Thursday September 21st 2017

Trusted Helpline
Help Available 24/7
1-888-882-1456
PRIVACY
GUARANTEED

How to STOP enabling my drug addicted husband

In terms of addiction, enabling has a negative connotation. It refers to a dysfunctional way of helping someone else in such a way that hurts the enabler and the person they think they are helping. In the article, “8 Signs You are a Co-addict“, we discussed many types of enabling. Whichever type you engage in, there are consequences to each.

So, how can you end the enabling and move towards a healthier relationship…a healthier you? We review here. Then, we invite your questions at the end. In fact, we try to respond to all legitimate questions or comments with a personal and prompt response.

Are you ready to hear the truth?

Some women will post on my blog about how they want to stop enabling their husband’s addiction. Their posts seem so desperate and so imminent. I know what they are going through because I have been there; I was married to an addict, too. So, I spend time and energy crafting a heartfelt and realistic response. I try to address their needs and personalize the advice for them and then … weeks will go by and … nothing. Months and … nothing. Some of these women never reply.

I thought about this for a while and tried to put myself in their shoes. When they are reading online for answers and posting their frustrations and their stories they are usually in a crisis situation, either the addict is binging on drugs, disappeared, or done some other inexcusable act. Just because they are posting on my blog does not mean that they are ready to hear what I have to tell them.

When I explain what is most likely to happen or what will help them in the long run, they do not answer back because that is not the answer they were looking for. Most women are not ready to hear that they need to change. Perhaps telling their stories just helps them purge all of their anxiety or they still believe I can tell them how they can fix their partner.

STOP enabling

When I was married to an addict, the only advice I hoped to hear from my therapist and from other support people was that I could do “X,Y, and Z” and that would help me fix my husband and his addiction. I wanted to know that living with an addict was possible, and that he could change. When people suggested I had issues or that I should leave my husband I was mortified. I thought I could not live without him so I continued on the same path hoping something would happen that would change him.

Trusted Helpline
Help Available 24/7
1-888-882-1456
PRIVACY GUARANTEED

Twelve years passed and nothing happened.

I still wanted to fix him, until one day an event forced me to fix myself. It was like I was tuning out all of the advice I needed to hear until one day I heard it because I was ready to listen.

My husband was not forcing me to enable him; I was taking it upon myself to help him because I felt bad for him and I loved him. I realized when I did things that I knew made his addiction and life easier, even if it was acting crazy so he could feel justified to abuse drugs more, that I was not only enabling him but hurting myself. If he ever had a chance to stop using drugs, I had to realize it was not going to be because of me.

Most enablers already know that being married, having children, and responsibilities are not enough reason for an addict to get sober. But, they still think one day they will say something and the addict might all of a sudden realize they are.

It’s about boundaries

Most addicts have no boundaries. An enabler eventually loses their own boundaries and their lives become convoluted and controlled by addiction. Enablers lose their identity and do not understand why they keep on doing what they are doing. So, how can you pull yourself back up to stand on your own two feet?

Start empowering yourself!

How to stop enabling a drug addict?

To stop enabling a few things need to happen:

  1. You need to make a commitment to change.
  2. You must commit to stop your part in enabling 100%, not just some of the time.
  3. You must stop negative patterns and behaviors and replace them with positive ones.
  4. You need to get support from someone with experience and someone you trust to help you.
  5. You need to stop enabling him and start empowering you.

Enablers feel the illusion of control when they help their partner. Once you let it go, you can stop trying to fix and control your partner, take that energy, and fix yourself. You can start asking yourself the questions:

  1. Why am I allowing this person and his addiction control my life?
  2. Why do I not feel good enough about myself to want to be treated better?
  3. Why am I so afraid to leave?
  4. Why do I have fears of abandonment, of being alone, of standing on my own two feet?

If you focus on you, there is less of a chance you will have the time to focus on him. If you change your life and start doing things that bring back your self-confidence then it is less likely you will want to repair him.

Addiction is a selfish condition because it usually involves the complete attention of more people than just the addict. It can draw in the wife, the children, the parents, and the friends if you allow it. Nevertheless, enabling is a choice even though it does not feel like one. The best way to stop enabling is to learn your enabling behaviors and make a conscious choice to STOP.

Need some help?

We invite you to leave your questions in the comments section below. We do our best to respond to each person individually and promptly!

Photo credit: Staurt Beard

Leave a Reply

240 Responses to “How to STOP enabling my drug addicted husband
Trudy
4:30 am April 19th, 2015

I am reading your book “Hope Street” and I find myself connecting with everything you experienced. I was an enabler for years but didn’t know it until I read this page of the 10 enabling signs. Wow. I can’t believe all the things I’ve done to enable his behavior. I’ve bailed him out of jail a couple times. I’ve paid his fines for him with my own money. I most recently went to NA meetings with him. I didn’t realize I was exhibiting the behavior of an enabler. All this time wasted. I’ve known him 25 years. We have 4 children together. We were married and then divorced. We got back together 4 years ago because he completed his first intensive 6 month rehab program. He was clean for 2 years after that and then everything went down hill these last couple years. I asked him to leave the house 2 days ago. He’s at his mother’s house and she’s taking him to an inpatient rehab on Monday. I wish him luck. I don’t want to be an enabler anymore. All I ever wanted was a husband who was there for me. I figured if I let him go now, God will send to me someone who is good for me. I’m a work in progress. It feels kind of lonely without him here but when he’s here it’s been hell lately.

Amanda Andruzzi I
11:39 pm April 20th, 2015

Trudy,
Thank you so much for sharing with us. I am happy that you have found my book useful. So many times, I insisted that I was “helping” my husband as you probably see many times in the book but in actuality I was perpetuating my own sick behavior and need to control him and his addiction. It is a role we get sucked into without even realizing it.
I hope you get to the end, where you will find some hope for this confusing state you must be in right now. You love him and you can’t picture life without him but then again you cannot continue life with him. It is a feeling that no one will truly understand unless they have been there. You hate the person you love, there are no other words to describe it.
I hope you take this opportunity with him gone to get the help for yourself. Enabling can spill over to other areas in life and unhealthy patterns can continue if we don’t heal and learn from our mistakes. It is hard to say that we are wrong for what we do as enablers because deep down all we really want to do is help the addict. But because things become so convoluted, we lose sight of everything and cross so many lines that we cannot remember the person we were before the addict affected our lives. That is why it is so important for you to take the time you need, away from him, to work on your own issues, insecurities, and fears so that you will not repeat the same patterns. The loneliness fades as you become enlightened and pick up the pieces of the person you were and put them back together. I hope the articles here can help you as well as the book, I would really like to hear your thoughts when you finish Hope Street. Please keep your head up, keep me posted, I am here to help!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Trudy
3:05 am April 22nd, 2015

Thanks Amanda. I will definitely keep you posted about “Hope Street.” And thanks for your encouraging words. I will stay strong and start focusing on myself for a change.

shana
6:52 pm May 22nd, 2015

I’ve just stumbled across this site – I’m sitting here now and my BF has gone on a binge again. Its been going on for years, he take cocaine and drinks, although not every day – sometimes he is sober for a few weeks. But then binges again – i can’t get hold of him .. he spends all wages on it. I’m based in the UK. When we first met i must admit that i used to do the same, but as time has gone on and i have got older, i have stopped and want to try and sort out my life. I feel guilty about this, as feel like i encouraged it at the beginning. I feel depressed a lot and have stopped work for a few months due to stress. I feel like I’m in a cycle and its never ending. After each binge i say to myself i will leave. But never seem to do it. i feel to embarrassed to tell F&Family, so lie about things being good. I must be an enabler, i wanted to save him – but perhaps that isn’t possible! hard facts to face.

CM
6:35 am May 23rd, 2015

Thank you Amanda for your blog, I have found it very helpful to read. My brother and his wife are seemingly both addicted to drugs and have 3 kids at home with them. My family is at a loss of what to do because they deny everything. I want to follow your advice about not being an enabler and leaving them alone but I can’t stop trying because they still have kids around their home. Any advice?

Amanda Andruzzi
1:02 pm May 26th, 2015

CM,

It is different if children are involved. You cannot just leave the children in this situation, you can help the them and not the parents. I would stop howling them and take the children if that is a possibility or make a call to family services. If they come into the home, they can drug test (via hair sample which goes back a year) and mandate the parents into rehab. The children are the most important thing here and someone should step in on their behalf. If the family can get together and do an intervention with the help of a specialist, that might help. If the family can get together and take care of the children or take them out of the home, this cannot be healthy for them to be raised by two addicts. Do not enable them but as they fall apart make sure someone is there to take care of the children. This is an awful situation, usually there is at least one sober parent but when both parents are using you could only imagine what those children see and have to live with. This situation is one where the family should get together, step in and take the children out, that is not to say help the addict, taking the children is not enabling, it is simply saving the kids. I hope this helps. My thoughts are with you and those children. Kerp me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

Just Me
5:27 am June 4th, 2015

i too have finally left my drug-addicted husband…after 10 long years…took me awhile to finally decide on that but i did it…finally…if i may place my blog site as well…

Amanda Andruzzi
7:37 pm June 24th, 2015

Shana,
Thank you for sharing. You have every right to grow out of that lifestyle and straighten out your life without feeling like it is your fault for encouraging him. I would advise you to move on and let go but it sounds like you are not at that place yet. You cannot save, change, fix, or repair another person or their addiction. Once you realize that you can start focusing on you and helping yourself. There is hope. There is a way out of this. I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, of my journey with an addicted husband. Every emotion, every feeling, every hopeless thought you are having I was able to write down and share with the world, in the hope that it would help others.
I would keep reading the other articles I have written here as well so you can try to come to terms with enabling and addiction and understand what you are really dealing with. I hope this helps.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
7:43 pm June 24th, 2015

Just Me,
I hope things are going will for you. I really believe you made a great choice for your future and I hope you are able to grow and heal. Keep me posted, I am here to help.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

sara
3:19 pm August 20th, 2015

how did you finally stop the cycle?
did you leave him? is he still an addict?

Amanda Andruzzi
5:25 pm August 20th, 2015

Sara,
Yes, I left and he is still an addict to my knowledge. You need to get your life together, learn self-love, and care about yourself again so you can focus on you. Please pick up Hope Street, it is my memoir of my life with an addict. It will really help you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Matty
2:33 am September 9th, 2015

Hi there, I see this appears to be more targeted at women struggling with this issue, but I found your post quite helpful and wanted to ask if you could offer any advice on my situation. I am engaged to be married to the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, we’re currently booking things and making plans for the wedding mid 2016, the issue however, is that I am having some trouble NOT going home after work each day and smoking a bit of marijuana, and my fiancee’s addiction is wine. We’ve been together two years and it’s been amazing, and for the first 10 months together, I didn’t smoke at all, but my partner has apparently been quite hooked on wine a few years now (I had also previously been a heavy marijuana smoker before we got together). We both work full time, keep things organised etc, but we have both gained weight since getting together, and my partner is now being asked if she is pregnant occasionally!! one of the many issues with all this is that I’m still extremely attracted to her and constantly just wanna be close to her and tell her how amazing and sexy she is, but because of how she feels about herself, she now actually gets angry at my compliments and at me suggesting anything sexual wise etc… We constantly talk about starting the week fresh, no alcohol, no green, but one hiccup and one of us will quickly be talking about having a drink/smoke once home..the problem is that we both have our addictions that kinda get that “pay-off” when the other person says “I don’t mind if u smoke/drink tonight” so we’re effectively enabling each other…I just love this girl so much and hate seeing her so unhappy with herself, especially when I still think she’s a goddess…any advice would be eternally appreciated! Thank you

Confused mt
4:00 pm November 4th, 2015

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 8. He does pills pot meth cocaine alcohol uppers downers anything he can get his hands on. I thought I could fix him and fell in love. 4.5 years ago we had a little boy and my entire outlook changed. My husband got cancer and went thru chemo. It was horrible but he was healed. Then went to prison for 2 years. Then I made him leave last December. I was tired of the up and down, the abuse, no money, him not working I was numb and TOTALY finished with him. Then in September I got a phone call that changed everything. He had a massive heart attack. I realized I still lived him but dont know y. I went to hospital and his much older sugar mama girlfriend was there so I left. He is healing and we visit on the weekends. Now I feel sorry for him, I buy him groceries sometime, I miss somethings, I mostly hate that he says he loves me and wants to come home but has a girlfriend. I almost want to forget everything and let him come home do we can b a family again. But then he does something stupid and I’m like y do I even love him? Please help!

Amanda Andruzzi
3:05 pm November 18th, 2015

Matty,
It is hard to stop using a substance when it works in your relationship with the other person and enabling is going both ways. What you are both doing is using these substances to cope with life and we all do that to some degree. You are both very functioning people but spending your life drinking and using marijuana on a daily basis is no way to live, especially if you want to start a family. What I would suggest is therapy with an addiction counselor to help you find other coping skills. I have 3 children and I volunteer my time to help other co-addicts on top of work and finishing my Master’s degree so when things get rough I don’t pop a pill or use a drug, I go to the gym, meditate, do yoga, or sometimes just stop and breath. I see a therapist to help me through the rough stuff but am armed with skills to help me when I am struggling. I have never had a substance abuse problem but I lived with someone who did and enabling was my specialty. I changed and so can you, but you should focus on your own issues and help each other change.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:13 pm November 18th, 2015

Confused Nut,
He is keeping you involved in his life because that is what addict’s do. They draw others into their addiction and it is not fair to you. If he is using and has a girlfriend, then you have to ask yourself what you expect to happen. If he comes home, he will just have a comfortable place to live while he uses more. I would get yourself unstuck to this person by moving on with your own life. This is something that takes work and is not always easy but can definitely be done.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

jennifer
5:08 am December 4th, 2015

I need help understanding boundaries. I’ve been working a program for codependents. I can understand now when I am focusing on me v/s when I am controlling him. BUT when he does something I am not ok with, what do I do about it? I recently started just clearly saying “Something bothered me & I need to get it off my chest so we can deal with it.. (explaining what he did & how I felt) … If I’m going to trust you I need that not to happen again.”. He typically gets really angry, then tries to make it all about him & his stress. What do I do next? And what do I do when it happens again anyway?! That’s my biggest confusion. If I allow my boundaries to be crossed, aren’t I enabling? But I can’t stop that from happening if I’m not controlling him. ??? Is the only answer to leave?? Thanks in advance.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:07 pm December 4th, 2015

Jennifer,
If you have boundaries and he is constantly crossing them, staying is just like saying it is okay. If your partner is an addict, this is something you cannot control and you will never have a healthy relationship with him. Addiction is selfish and irrational so trying to coexist in this situation and be happy is not likely. Counseling for both of you would be great but not if he is an active addict. Enabling is not going to help you or him but how do you stay in the relationship with someone who constantly makes bad decisions? You can’t is the answer because you will always have inner turmoil and never be able to fully trust or enjoy that person because they are addicted FIRST and in a relationship LAST. Their priority is addiction. Your priority needs to be you.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Bobbie
4:48 pm December 17th, 2015

How does the enabler realize their own behaviors? My husband has been in an out of prison for last 8 years, gone longer than home. In and out of rehabs for last 8 years as well. I try to leave always go back, I know I deserve more. I just graduated nursing school on 12-15 so that took attention away from him. I don’t know I am lost, he is yet in another sober living 1.5 hours away. We can’t even communicate anymore.

Michelle
7:36 am December 28th, 2015

This is an amazing site and much needed. I have been with my alcoholic husband now ex-husband as of 2010 and back together again to make it work only to be completely let down and he is now worse than he’s ever been. It would take a ton to explain all I’ve been through but jail, suicide attempts, not working for years and me supporting him, and all the while he continues to threat me like dirt.

I went through Celebrate Recovery and really learned so much and worked through so much crap that I had been harboring since childhood. Well two months ago I did it I set my boundaries and made up my mind and communicated to him that this is what I have to do and will do. He likes to leave for days and drink and then come home drunk and mean and sick for days… No more. Well he did it again after 2 weeks and I told him I’m moving to evict you. That started the downward spiral of him drinking every single day since before Thanksgiving and not giving a crap about my feelings, rules, etc… And in the state of Nevada I have to evict like he was renting from me… Crazy. So right before Christmas 12/23 to be exact he was moving his stuff out and got pulled over and is now sitting in jail for DUI, open Container and illegal Lane change. He called me to bail him out and I said “NO” but now he wants me to pick him up tomorrow after his court appearance where they will let him go till his court date for sentencing in 2 to 3 months. I am at a loss for what to do, I feel like if I don’t help him move the remaining stuff out he will continue to be here! I’m just angry and feel that darn codependent side of me coming out again. I did so well with the eviction and sticking to my boundaries only to have him get arrested and thrown in jail again. Please help and and all words of wisdom as harsh as they may be… I need it! Thank you!

Amanda Andruzzi
2:49 pm December 28th, 2015

Bobbie,

Ask yourself why you feel you are still in this relationship. What are you getting from enabling him? When you realize you are enabling someone you have to look within yourself and realize that this has to do more with you than with the person. You can love someone but if the relationship is not healthy then you should walk away. The fact that you’ve been in the relationship and he’s been gone more than with you is a good indication that you were on the right website and hopefully the information that I have here will help you.we all have our own story and I stayed for 12 years but each of us come to a point where we need to move on and that happens only in our own time. Keep searching for answers, read the 35+ articles I have written here by clicking on my name next to my picture and you will find great resources to help you.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Trudy
5:49 am December 29th, 2015

I enabled an addict for over 20 years. Please don’t end up like me. 4 kids later and they have no good father figure in their lives because I was too weak to let go of this toxic man. I last posted here on Apr 19th and fell back into the same ole routine of giving him chance after chance. It wasn’t until I bought a house 2 months ago that I started to realize how much better I do without him. He was with me during the closing of the house but I searched for the house and made the down payment all by myself and my God of course. God kept telling me to leave him with all these hints that I kept ignoring. He finally got a job after we moved in the new home because I told him I was tired of taking care of a grown man. But of course that was short lived. He never paid child support his entire life! We have a 24, 23, 18 and 10 year old. What do I need him for exactly? He was just taking up space and making me and the kids miserable. My sons almost beat the crap out of him one night. And the last straw was him stealing $50 from my oldest. She was livid. I blame myself for thinking he would change. He then stole from my brother who lives in a rooming house. Before we moved to the new home I told him it was for a trial basis. I was already stressed over the buying process so I didn’t need his added stress. After he stole OUR daughter’s money that was it. He had to go. The difference this time around is I feel it in my soul that I won’t take him back. I don’t miss him at all. In fact I get angry when he contacts me. He texts me from different numbers trying to get me to respond but I told him during our last phone conversation to never contact me again. He said he wouldn’t but he still is. I guess he’s not taking me serious because I always took him back. But being a first time homebuyer has made me wake up to all the things I can do with my life if I set my mind to it. There are dreams I still have that I can make happen but I can’t with him bringing me down, taking me backwards. I had to let him go so God can send me someone meant for me who cares about my happiness. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yes it gets lonely but I was lonely with him around so I may as well be alone for a while and work on a better ME. I was so jealous seeing other couples building lives together while I build alone. I know we all have to learn this lesson until we GET IT. And once you get sick and tired too and realize all the great things you can accomplish without that weight on your shoulders, you’ll be so happy you finally let go. The worse thing you can do is worry about him having a roof over his head. He will find a way trust me. Put yourself first and think about how you deserve so much better. Thanks again Amanda for having this forum for us to share.

Amanda Andruzzi
9:45 pm January 8th, 2016

Trudy,
You had your AhHA moment. I am so happy to hear that you are there and YOU ARE THERE! You are sick and tired of riding the merry go round. We all have different time limits and different thresholds to tolerate things so that is why there is no magic answer it is simply when you get it, you get it. You wake up, have a spiriual awakening and realize the peace and happiness you can have without the toxicity in your life. Good for you. I am so happy for you. Please keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Judith
11:04 pm March 14th, 2016

I am a recovering addict whose partner is using drugs still.
I had two months up clean cos I left him, and then I missed him so much and felt like there was no way is use again, so I got back with him.
I ended up using again.
I seem to stay clean when he’s not around but then I miss him and feel lost without him and even though I know I get triggered when I’m with him, I take him back again only to use again the day I see him.

I can stop using while he’s not here but when he’s here I can’t say no even though I desperately hate it and don’t wanna use.

I’ve begged him to stop so many times cos I can’t stay clean and be with him but he says he will when he’s ready but I mentally and internally cannot handle using anymore but he won’t stop.

So I say he’s triggering me. But I can’t leave him. I feel so depressed and lifeless and can’t function without him and I end up begging him to come back even though he treats me quite aggressively most times we see each other.

I need help. I can’t stop using while I’m with him. He treats me like crap at times, yet I can’t stay away from him. I feel like I can’t live without him.
Please help me.

Becky
12:43 pm March 15th, 2016

Hi I’ve been with my partner for 14yrs he is a herion addict and was when I first got with him I wasn’t a very confident person all them years ago and I allowed him to control me and treat me like rubbish for years. I then fell pregnant with our son at this point he was coming and going every time he left us it made me become a stronger person to witch he liked about me and would come bk and stayed clean for a little while each time and then he would start using again every now and then then his addiction would take over his life again. It’s been like this for years. Then one day I turned round and told him that’s it I’ve had enough I want nothing to do with him and I didn’t for 10months I was strong and stood by my word. Then the letters started coming from prison and there questions I wanted the answers to so I went to see him and and fell in to the trap again of loving him so much and thinking this time we Gona be a proper family when comes out. Well everything was all good for 4months he had even lowered his self off his methadone and was attending drug groups and was doing best I’ve ever known him to do. Then he met a girl at the groups that was a user and 8yrs younger then him and she flirted with him made him feel like the best looking bloke in the world for him to then leave me and his son before Xmas for. It felt like my world had fallen apart. And hit me hard this time cause in my head I thought we were getting somewhere cracking the drug problem. I still did not give up cause I wasn’t prepared to lose what I had fought for all these years. But this time it feels harder and I’ve lost all my confidence again and is now on antidepressants I get panick attacks when the thought of going to work incase he goes out to meet this girl again. I don’t go out anywhere I don’t talk to my family much now I do anything to make him happy I feel like I’m fighting with myself with my head and my heart. It’s like I’m waiting for something to happen to make me think I’m not doing this no more. Why can’t I let go I want to but can’t. I’ve lost myself and is finding it hard to be bk to that strong person I once was. XXXX hope all this makes sense xxx

Amanda Andruzzi
2:31 pm March 15th, 2016

Becky,

This all makes perfect sense to someone who has lived with or loved an addict. I would definitely seek help because it sounds like with your confidence he also took your self- love, independence, and ability to see clearly. I understand wanting to mend your family but there is a point where there is no going back because it is hurting you to the point that you are becoming sick. That’s an indication that this relationship needs to end. The problem is most of us do not want to give up because we are scared of what else is out there for us. We don’t know if we will ever be happy again so we stay with something that is familiar. I can promise you that there is something else out there because I have been where you are, married with a child and together for 12 years. That is why I wrote my memoir, hope Street, to give other people insight, help them feel understood, less alone, and give them the courage and the hope to Move on.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Robyn
3:15 pm March 16th, 2016

Hello, I am the mother of a 26 year old son. He is my only child. I love him with all my heart. He is an alcoholic and drug addict. His use has been problematic for about 6 years. He pounds vodka and whiskey straight. He uses meth, pot, whippets, and other drugs. We have set him up in a mobile home, a college dorm room, our house, 2 separate apartments, and 2 stints of 30 day treatments. He has 3 DUIs. Currently, he is serving a 30 day detention for his last DUI. He is due to be released on April 3rd. He does not currently have a job, although he does work most of the time. We pay all of his bills. He recently ran up my credit card $1500 on alcohol, whippets, and items he probably traded for drugs. I just learned that he is evicted from his apartment because they found pictures he had taken of himself using drugs. My husband and I will be traveling to his town to retrieve his car, motorcycle, and all of his property so that we don’t lose it. We have paid for most of it. My dilemma is that I’m sure my son will want to come home to our house while he figures out his next move. We’ve asked him to consider long term treatment but he refuses. Do I let him come here this one last time, or let him figure it out? He has no resources. We are broken and exhausted. Thank you for your advice.

Andrra
4:44 am March 17th, 2016

My husband has crohns disease and crohns arthritis. He has been an awesome provider. Very physical job. He is now beat. Somehow in the past 6 years he has been buying painkillers of the street. Too much money, years and brain cells have been argued about. What do I do?

Amanda Andruzzi
1:12 pm March 17th, 2016

Robyn,
I know you are at the end of your rope and because it is your child you feel you cannot give up on him. The feelings you have are ones I never hope to share because having a child who is an addict is the most painful experience, however, there are things you can do. By paying his bills and supporting him, you are actually enabling his addiction. You are making it possible, if not easy for him to comfortably continue his addiction. When someone needs help for a mental illness you they don’t always know what is best for them. If he has no consequences to his drug use that drastically change his life then he has no real reason to stop using. When he gets out, he still has home, food and everything he needs and fighting his desire to use drugs will not be necessary because addiction is much stronger than you know. His brain has shifted and he probably has some underlying issues which no longer give him the ability to make the right choices. If you continue to enable him, expect more of the same. He will never hit his rock bottom or come to the conclusion that is life is unmanageable on his own. Most addicts need to fall without rescue before they go for help. Sometimes cutting them off financially is the only way. to have them deal with their addiction. I would seek counseling for you both so you can make informed decisions that may help him instead of making decisions based on being scared, and other emotions. You are not helping him or you. I know letting him go on his own is a risk because our fears of what will happen are real but things are not changing with the status quo so something needs to change. I would cut him off financially and not allow him back into my home and let him know how much I love him but will no longer watch him destroy himself. I would let him know my door is always open when he is ready for long term recovery and then Let Go and Let God. Al-anon will be really helpful for you in this situation. He needs help getting down to the reasons he uses drugs in the first place; underlying mental illness, depression, anxiety, chemical imbalances, trauma, etc. and deal with the root cause through therapy with an experienced therapist that won’t be fooled by the lies addict’s tell. The money spent on his lifestyle, I would switch gears and put it towards rehab, long term care out of your home, therapy, and other alternative treatments.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
1:22 pm March 17th, 2016

Andrra,
In my other work, I help people heal and recover from chronic illnesses naturally. I know firsthand that there are healthier ways to deal with Chron’s and arthritis. In fact, if he were to have a multi-faceted approach, he would probably be able to reverse his conditions with lifestyle, diet and therapy, so do not let him tell you he needs the painkillers. He is an addict and addicts say and do whatever they need to in order to keep using. I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you what might help you and has been more effective than just continuing on the way things are. You need to create boundaries, like you will no longer stay together if he continues to use and does not seek treatment. Please read my other articles here, especially Zero Tolerance for Addiction: Help for Families. Clicl on my name Amanda Andruzzi near my picture and they will all come up. You have to stick to your boundaries or he will know you are not serious and he can go right on using. He is not going to just make changes, so the rational person, you, needs to. Even if we argue but we stay in a situation we know is toxic for you and for him, this is enabling. If he refuses to get help, then I would focus on getting help for you so that you can move on.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Lynn
7:21 am March 28th, 2016

I’m a first time reader of this blog and have learned a lot already. My boyfriend is an alcoholic- a severe one. He’s gone into full-blown DTs more than once. He’s also extremely institutionalized and has no true idea of his own identity. I feel sorry for him a lot of the time, but every time he half-ass detoxes, or I have to rush him tote ER for his withdrawals, I become resentful because he’s doing this to himself repeatedly and doesn’t consider how it affects me. I have made a commitment to cease all enabling behaviors. I just don’t know where to start. The next time he goes in DTs, do I just call ambulance and stay home while he’s in the hospital? I won’t give him money, but I do occasionally buy him a beer because I’m so sick of his antics I just don’t want to deal with it. Do I tell him, firmly but with care, that theses are the boundaries I have set up- or do I just slowly begin implementing these changes until he starts to get the picture. I don’t know what do… Any advice is appreciated.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:51 pm March 28th, 2016

Lynn,
I think you seriously need to ask yourself what you gain by being in this relationship. I would say 100% that you need to let go and move on with your life. What you are doing is the definition of enabling. You are on a cycle of co-addiction that is not going to change unless you do. You can’t save him or make him change so your only option is to make changes with yourself. Have you been to therapy? Al-anon? Support groups? Read Hope Street? This blog is a great start, try clicking on my name and all of my articles will pop up.
Amanda Andruzzi
Hope street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

Tammy
8:03 am March 31st, 2016

I’m new to this…seeking advice that is. I’m at the end of caring about and for my husband. His choice to use meth.pot and pills is effecting my way of existing. I want help for myself…to become self supportive and feel safe. Any suggestions,advice or comment will be valued. Thx

Kate
11:25 am April 2nd, 2016

Thank you for this blog – I’m new to it, but already finding it helpful to read (if not a little painful to see myself as an enabler, when all I want to do is help so my husband and I can get our lives back to “normal”).

My husband has been struggling with alcohol abuse for about a year and a half, and now is moving towards abusing prescription anxiety meds. He’s not yet ready to admit that he’s an addict or has a *real* problem with substance abuse. He lies constantly about how much he is using, and I never can trust what he’s telling me to be true – this is all very new to me, only in the past 6/8 months or so have I been aware of the problem, and I’m still just realizing the frequency of his lies about using.

He also suffers from anxiety and depression. Last summer he went into inpatient treatment for a short time (my suggestion), and he is distrustful of me because of that.

I guess my question is…at what point are my behaviors enabling, and at what point are they what I need to do in order to keep him safe. I know that one of the issues that causes him to drink (at least this is what he’s told me that he and his therapist have determined) is the fact that I try to control his addiction and “catch him” when he’s abusing. I do do this…I search for liquor bottles and try to monitor his behavior at night to see if he is drinking or taking meds. I know that his drinking and taking pills is dangerous, though, so I wonder if it is irresponsible for me to just ignore this behavior and let it continue.

I would like to convince him to go into treatment, but I think maybe that is enabling, too? By not letting him make his own decision to go?

And lastly, I’ve just discovered that he is abusing anxiety meds. He has a psychiatrist and I would like to call him and let him know that this is going on – I worry about drug interactions and overdosing. I feel like that is a responsible action….but I also worry that it may just be enabling again, treating him like he can’t take care of this himself, and could really damage trust between us. Or worse, just cause him to stop seeking any treatment at all.

I’d appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks!

Jennifer
1:01 am April 5th, 2016

Thank you for your article Amanda. I am struggling right now with being an enabler. My fiancé had a problem before we started dating, that he didn’t tell me about until I realized there was something wrong during our first year. Then we thought he cleaned up and he got on a program for a year, he proposed and we found out we were pregnant. We finally had our baby girl in December, we bought a home and I find out he’s been using and messing up almost the whole time he was off the program. We have a little baby, a new home we’ve been living in for two weeks and now I am at a loss for what to do at this point. I’m truly lost.

Amanda Andruzzi
7:45 pm April 5th, 2016

Tammy,
The advice here is to do just those things in steps. Start gaining your independence emotionally, financially and then physically. It doesn’t have to happen over night but you need to understand more about your part in this and how to break the cycle. You need to gain the tools to help you get out of this and stay out. Therapy, reading the other articles I have written here, reading my memoir Hope Street, joining al-anon or other community support groups will help you have your AHHA moment and get to a place where you will be able to move on. Don’t give up and certainly don’t stop here.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Michele
2:29 am April 6th, 2016

I have been on the roller coaster with my ex. He has done crazy things and I continue to enable get him off the streets etc. Even him disrespecting me, cheating accusing me of doing what he is doing etc continues every time. I am ignoring calls and emails and I think he feels I’ll always be there. I feel I need to be done. We had been together 25 years the last 4 struggling w/addiction. It feels like letting go of family. I seem to keep reminding myself of all the bad. I just want him to go away and get better. I want the strength to do it. I don’t trust myself , any advice will help. Thanks.

Eimy
7:04 am April 17th, 2016

I neep help I’m married for 2 years going on 3 years this September and im tired of my husband doing drugs (crack) and drinking every single day from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep. I’m tired of it it’s not healthy for me or my 4 kids (boys) I be telling him he needs to stop but he tells me it’s not my business. He does not work he does sometimes he does tattoos and haircuts and thats how he buys the drug if he don’t have no money he ask me for money all the time if I don’t he calls me all kinds of name and get a bitchy mood with me. He uses my van which I still pay monthy car payments for it to give rides to his friends and the money he gets for gas he buys his drug and YES I’m the one who puts gas he waste it giving rides.. I was working and I had to leave my job because he was bitching about taking care of my kids I only have one with him but I have total of 4 kids but thats not all I was paying him to watch them. He charges me for everything if I have to run to the store I have to pay him to watch my kids.. Even to pick them up at the school bus stop. In some point I have to pay him to have sex with me. I’m tired. What can I do? I love him but I guess he don’t he hurt me in so many ways I sometimes think he got married with me just to so call home cause when I meet him he had no where togo. Need help!# please

Katrina
7:32 pm April 17th, 2016

I really found your article very helpful. I am living this and know I have been an enabler. You are right, it’s a very hard change. Do you have any other resources? One question I have is the issue of keeping things a secret. I have held this in for a long time. I have tried not to embarrass him so I have been enabling. He agrees I need to talk with others. I started seeing a therapist and have opened up to two friends that he doesn’t know or know well. But I been hinding this from my family and close friends. What should I do in that area? I will listen and appreciate your help!

Amanda Andruzzi
4:44 pm April 18th, 2016

Michelle,
I am glad you feel that it is your time to move on. It is not your job or responsibility to take care of someone else, especially when they are not taking care of themselves. It is like losing family but even toxic family relationships should not be continued. You are not able to have the life you want and it is time to start doing what is right for you. If you can’t trust yourself then that in itself is an issue that you need to be dealing with. You need to focus on you and what issues you have so that you can be a healthy and happy person.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
4:48 pm April 18th, 2016

Eimy,
I am not sure that you ever had a healthy or happy relationship so I don’t understand what you are holding on to. I am also very concerned that you pay someone who is high on crack and alcohol to pick up your children and watch them, especially when one is his. I don’t mean to criticize or judge but not only would you be better off without him but I cannot understand why you would love someone who treats you so awfully and you have to pay to keep in your life and to have sex with. You are a mother of 4 children and you are not doing them any good by being with a person who smokes crack and is around them. Please re-evaluate this situation and I would recommend a restraining order because it sounds like this man is not only toxic to you and your children but a horrible person. What you need to work on is your self esteem and realizing you can be independent and you will be better off on your own.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
4:51 pm April 18th, 2016

Katrina,
Thank you for sharing. I do believe there is a toxicity to this type of relationship and secrets. I always shared this problem with family but definitely played it down for many years. Until you change, are able to move on, get real support and be honest with yourself, your situation will stay the same. You need to be honest with what is really going on and how much you want a happy and healthy life which you CANNOT have with an addict. Have you read Hope Street? It is a memoir I wrote of my life as the wife of an addict, other than that, you can click on my name in this article and 38 others will appear, all regarding how to help you! You have to do the work, learn the tools and commit to moving on no matter what and then and only then will you be able to get through the pain to the other side. That is what Hope Street is about.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

leaving isn't an option
4:30 am May 1st, 2016

I can’t even begin to explain my situation. I’ll try my best to give the shortest version possible. I’m in a commited relationship. We’ve built our lives together. To me leaving has never been an option. Sounds stupid, I know. But I’m starting to resent her. She does terrible things like steal and lie to her family and pretty much ever job she’s worked for. It’s gotten so bad that she only has one person in her family that still talks to her and tries to look out for her. He even gave us a place to stay while we were going through a rough patch and she’s constantly doing shady things to him….she claims that she’ll do anything for me and for us, but the only thing I’ve ever truly asked from her which is to pretty much stop doing drugs and stealing from the people she claims to love, gets tossed under the rug and isn’t talked about again until I bring it up. It’s always an argument. And she’ll always cry and say that I’m attacking her when in reality I’m just trying to make sure she doesn’t lose the ONLY people she has including myself. At what point do I say enough is enough? I can’t live the rest of my life trying to fix or turn someone into a better person who just doesn’t see the Bad in their actions. I don’t want to turn away from her….at this rate I’ll probably be the only person she has left in this world As well as homeless if and when he finds out. I also can’t stand the thought of being labeled a Bad Person by association. Am I wrong in hoping she’ll change? Am I wrong to think of the person I’m supposed to spend my life with this way? Is it even possible for me to look at her in future and not see a shady person?

Amanda Andruzzi
2:10 pm May 5th, 2016

leaving isn’t an option,
if leaving isn’t an option than I am not sure how I can help you, help her. The number one rule for addicts is that you cannot help them change, you can only change yourself. I learned that after 12 very difficult years with a high functioning addict. I think you are enabling her and I know because I have been there but if you are not willing to leave the only thing I can recommend is to detach from her with love and go about your life trying to make yourself better. Perhaps stopping all of the enabling and the support you give her will allow her to hit rock bottom and make the decision to change on her own. If she doesn’t want to make the change, which she does not, then there are not many ways for you to help her, I would recommend helping yourself instead.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Carolyn
10:13 pm May 29th, 2016

I am sick of feeling worthless, not loved and being told that I’m the one that’s the problem. My partner has binged on cocaine for years which has affected me mentally and since our second child was born it was getting better but I’m always worrying “when will he do it again” I have recently had a hysterectomy and this has affected my ability to cope with normal tasks and find it hard to cope in different situations and shout a lot in the house. I have asked my partner to help and support me which has now given my partner an excuse to go on a binge. I think that by confronting him about how his binges affect us all but it just makes things worse and now tonight he has left the house. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore but want better for me and my children!

tammy
10:43 pm May 30th, 2016

I have left my addicted husband. I had no set plan ahead of time. I am wondering if there are programs available that can help me emotional ly and.financial ly. I reside in florida. Any feed back will be.valued. thank you Amanda

Susan
7:38 pm June 1st, 2016

my husband has been in a 28 day rehab 4 times. The last one was last June. I just discovered that he is taking a drug that was prescribed for sleep at night during the day. At first he lied and then he admitted it. I am terrified of living on my own – but at the end of last rehab I said one more time and I am out. I think I should seek the advice of a lawyer – financially things are not perfect – but are they ever. I am the total enabler – the reason for his use is he is going on a trip to Ireland. I questioned this trip right from the beginning. I am going to seek advice from a lawyer – should I pay behind his back or pay from our joint account?

Mellisa
11:14 pm June 5th, 2016

My spouse is an addict. He’s been to rehab multiple times. 30, 60 and 90 day programs. And his relapses are like clock work; I know and see the signs before he even knows or will admit. I’ve tried everything with him it seems. I’m a recovering addict myself. Since my last relapse I’ve started college to become an addiction support worker, moved out of our home together (because of his relapses). I’ve been trying to help and support him in his recovery being apart but it doesn’t seem to be helping. He’s good for 30-45 days then uses again. I get people relapse, however it’s always anticipated with him. Do I just wipe my hands of this relationship in hopes he gets better? Even after all the steps I’ve taken am I still enabling him by trying to be understanding? I feel like I’ve come a long way from where I used to be with enabling him and worrying about him. I don’t lose sleep anymore if I am aware of his using, before I wouldn’t sleep or anything. I’d be obsessing about his well being before my own. I suppose I still am worried about his a little before my own. I just don’t know how to completely stop or when to say enough is enough.

Deborah
12:54 am June 6th, 2016

My husband abuses me everytime he gets drunk or high off powder. I refuse to support his addiction. I have prayed, I have cried and he threatens me if I try to leave. I love him but I love myself more. How can I help him before he kills me or himself

Jennifer
4:52 am June 7th, 2016

Hello. I found this site and needed some advice. I am a christian women so I try to put my trust in God but I feel as though at this point I need some professional advice from someone who understands addiction and being with an addict. My husband and I have been together since I was 15 in an now 28 and we have two children together and a step daughter. We both started out partying a lot and he became and alcoholic. I eventually had to put him in jail because of him being abusive towards me from alcohol. After that we have our lives to the Lord. I would always come back to him after so much bad stuff he had done to me. As we grew in our faith some things changed but he switched from alcohol to marijuana. The effects were different but in a while new aggravating way. He would sneak around and lie so he could go smoke, he would be like day and night and a couple times had gotten so mad he pushed me down and sometimes more ( never punched me). I would scream holler and degrade him. I even cancelled our first wedding because of marijuana! I would take the kids and leave but then he would sucker me in and it’s almost as if I would forget why I was even mad? I almost started to convince myself.. it’s not all that bad. Every time I would leave he would beg and be done for two months then go right back again. The latest thing that happened was a came back the day after fourth of July 2015. He stoped for 2 months and Then while I was on the phone with him when he said he was going to one place, I caught him going somewhere else and I knew it was to smoke. So not only did he lie but he also ended up drinking that night! I tried to make it work but all the while I kicked and screamed was mad every day. Because he was high all the time I didn’t even want to have sex and since I didn’t trust him it made for some big problems which brings me to now. He pushed me down. I did get physical first but it was because I was defending myself. It was in front of the children and it was a mess. I chose to leave but have done this millions of times. He keeps telling me you don’t leave your husband you don’t do this and again I feel sick about it, I feel like I want to go back but when i am there I am miserable! I want to crawl in a ball and sleep all day and I turn into an angry mother. He keeps making me feel bad about leaving and then I feel like what if he meets somebody else who accepts him for him and I end up all alone? Why do I feel bad when I leave but literally tear him to shreds when i am around him. Im sorry this is so long….I have been dealing with this for awhile and it is weighing on me. This is just a snippet of my story…,please help..
I also want to add that he is not a bad person.I know I portrayed him as a monster right there but there are other things his does that are wonderful. He tells me I am beautiful all the time, he spends time with the kids when he can, he still works a hard working job, and the funny thing is is i know he loves me, he is a completely functional marijuana addict EXCEPT He can not live without it. Iove this man with all my heart. I sometimes wonder if the only reason he is loving and caring is because he is high? We have gotten in our worst fights when it’s become physical when he has been trying to quit. How can I show him I stillove him but can not live this way. I am miserable more than not but still want to work on thia! Is such a sick twisted mess!!

Amanda Andruzzi
2:16 am June 10th, 2016

Tammy, that is okay that you did not have a plan. I am unaware of your situation but I am not that familiar with Florida and its financial assistance system. If you have children I am sure you can apply for medicaid and welfare but if you are on your own I am not sure what financial help is available. I would say as for some support from your family and friends until you can figure things out. Also, I would join an al-anon group or any support group in your area. They are all free and may really help you focus on you. Please don’t give up. I had to find my way on my own and it was scary but it forced me to do it. You will grow and learn and you will do it too.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:37 am June 10th, 2016

Carolyn,
You are caught in the vicious cycle of addict and co-addict. He leaves and you threaten to leave and then he comes back and things get worse, then better, then worse and this continues. I have been in this cycle and I know the only way out is to leave it, make a change for you. If you read my articles here, they will help you as will my book, Hope Street.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:40 am June 10th, 2016

Susan,
I do not know the specifics of your situation or your financial situation. An addict can get angry and spiteful so I would make sure that you are calm and have all your ducks in a row before you tell him. If that means consulting a lawyer on your own first then that might be a good idea. I would get a plan and then serve him with the divorce papers. I really hope you go through with this because you have no idea how happy you will be in the future, not right away but definitely in the long run. You are making a decision that will seriously change your life for the better.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:51 am June 10th, 2016

Melissa,
I am so glad to hear you are actively in recovery. This is a great place to be but if you don’t work on your issue with this man, you are at risk for relapse yourself. People, places and things are important in recovery and although you can give back and help others, you cannot force someone, as you probably already know to get help. He will be ready when he is ready and not a moment before. It sounds like you are not moving on with your life fully and won’t while he is still in your life. The key to stop enabling is sometimes just to let the person go.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:00 am June 10th, 2016

Deborah,
If you love yourself more, then you have to stop worrying about how to help him and help yourself. Being abused is a serious threat to your life, physically and emotionally. Ask yourself if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and then make sure you think this through because this person, this addict you see may stick around forever (even if there are times of sobriety) and it might rear its ugly head even after you think it is gone. You will be emotionally tortured in the times you are not physically and so I ask you, is this the life you want to live? I know, I lived it.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:13 am June 10th, 2016

Jennifer, How wonderful can he be when he is pushing or shoving you, especially in front of your children? How great can this marriage be for your if you are angry all of the time and the children have an angry and depressed mother? You can leave someone if they are doing something that they refuse to change, especially if that something is drugs and addiction. You are going to be upset when the person you love lies and is high all of the time. Being lied to is not something that makes you feel beautiful and loved. Actually he is just like any other addict, words but no actions. When you are a Christian family you don’t leave at the first sign of trouble, but if you are hurting the ones you love, you should do anything to stop that. He is hurting you and won’t stop and in turn, you are hurting your family with being angry and unhappy. That won’t ever stop unless he stops getting high and lying. Your choices are to go back and continue more of the same cycle or stay gone and break it.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

meshelle
6:32 am June 19th, 2016

This really helped me. I have been with my fiancé for eight years and have tried everything to get him to stop. At t he sane time when he made me feel bad I would encourage it so he wouldn’t be upset or make the day bad. I know it sounds pretty pathetic but other than his addiction I feel like he is my sole mate and love him so much. I naturally am very controlling or try to be. But really have never been in controlling of anything. This has made me realize I have to look in the mirror real hard and start making repairs thank you

No name
2:25 am June 20th, 2016

I can’t stop taking cocaine I’ve tried I need it don’t feel like eating or spending time family just want be alone an get the happy flowering feeling from the coke. But day after tired as can’t sleep all Night and makes me down til I take again. I know it’s a sin I’m Muslim but I can’t live without it an I feel paranoid wife is cheating on me I see things in my head. Help me

Poor Sue.
12:43 am June 25th, 2016

This is my !st time writing about this. I’ve been married 23 hrs and didn’t know what I was getting into.We have 4 kids.To make a long story short. I’m at a crossroads, I don’r want him here anymore but the stress over the decades I believe has contributed to me having Multiple Sclerosis. Now I feel stuck in this situation. Ive quit smoking 3 months ago and am trying to concentrate on my health and not his addiction. If anyone has and advice for me I’d love it!. P.S. He won’t leave.

Amanda Andruzzi
10:30 pm July 1st, 2016

Meshelle,
You have the illusion of control but you are not controlling anything, in fact things are really out of control but by trying to keep him in line you don’t have to admit that you should leave. Sometimes the hardest thing to face in all of this is ourselves in the mirror. Don’t give up on you, let go of him.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
10:47 pm July 1st, 2016

Poor Sue,
You can make him leave, you can call the police and let them know the situation and that he is a drug abuser and you have children in the home. Unfortunately it won’t be pretty but if you want out then it can be done. You deserve peace and happiness and the ability to be a mother to your children without the constant struggle of an addict in the home. You have to make the decision to do something and then make a list of the steps you need to take so that you can get there; then make sure you are prepared to execute them!
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
10:53 pm July 1st, 2016

No Name,
Stop hiding and come out and tell your wife and family. You need help, right away because those lows you feel will only get worse and you will need more and more cocaine. You need to detox and then get stable with the help of doctors, therapists and people who will care for you until you are mentally stable enough to go home. Don’t continue to fool yourself that people don’t know you are an addict anyway, they probably already do. Reach out for help now before it is too late. What you are doing to your brain, your health may not be reversable.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

joanne
8:29 am July 12th, 2016

How do you stop enabling someone who threatens to hurt you in some way(verbal and physcological,and physical)?He won’t take no for an answer and forced me to borrow large amounts of money and then complained when he paid only part of it back?

Carmen
7:57 am July 27th, 2016

This is all very new to me. My husband confessed his drug addiction to me 2 weeks ago and says he needs help getting clean. Little did I know this has been a problem for 3 years now. My biggest anger and frustration come from the fact that we have 2 small children, 3 yrs old and 9 months. So while I have been conceiving and caring for babies he has been using drugs and lying to me for years. He doesn’t seem to see the “big deal” considering he has been a functioning addict. He still has a job, a home, and a family. I kicked him out when I found out for fear that his unpredictable and often violent nature coming off of drugs could be dangerous and detrimental around my children. I am insisting that he get into a rehab asap but a lot of damage has already been done especially to our marriage. Every day is a constant battle to keep him away and focused on finding a rehab. I would just like to know if I am doing the right thing distancing him from me and my kids and what to expect in the near future. Will he ever really be “better”?

Dixie
7:57 pm July 29th, 2016

Hi. I am new to this blog but have already found supportive and helpful information. I am also married to a drug addict. My husband is a doctor and utilizes lies and sneaky behavior to obtain the drugs “legally” through his practice. He uses often and I have caught him at it so many times over the past 3 years.
He is still able to work and function on a daily basis….but the lying. He constantly lies to me in order to separate himself and be alone to use.

I’ve asked him to seek therapy, short term rehab, long term rehab….he animatedly refuses. He says that he can stop if he wants to and there isn’t anyone out there that will be smart enough to help him. He believes he is better and more intelligent than any therapist available to him.
Every couple of months I catch him using…I explain how detrimental it is for his health, his career and his family (we have no children though). I’ve come to the point where I just don’t get emotional about it anymore. I realize that he has to change because HE wants to….I’ve asked him so many times to get help, but I guess he won’t until HE thinks he needs it.
I used to freak out, cry, beg for him to stop….but then I thought perhaps that type of behavior is justifying his addition. He thinks he deserves it because he “wife is nuts”….so now I find that I am very calm, detached and matter of fact about it. Regardless, it isn’t helping. He is still using and I caught him again yesterday.
I will not take second fiddle to a drug addiction. How can I make him understand that? Do I have to leave him? Present an ultimatum?
I’m scared of what it will mean….

Amanda Andruzzi
1:31 am August 1st, 2016

joanne,
If there is violence or even the threat of violence, you get out of the living situation, the relationship and go to the police to obtain an order of protection. You cannot live under the assumption that he won’t go through with those threats.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
1:36 am August 1st, 2016

Carmen,
It was all new to me too and I had no understanding of what addiction really is or means for a person’s future. It is all up to him, unfortunately and he won’t do it unless he really wants to. You are doing the right thing by giving him an opportunity to get help because without treatment, he may keep going in circles. Have you read Hope Street, if not, please try to or at the very least keep reading the articles and stories of others in my section of articles. It is going to be a hard road either way, but there are are no guarantees and the only advice I give is that you have to go with your gut right now. You know when things are not right and don’t let him convince you otherwise.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Renee
5:31 pm August 3rd, 2016

Amanda, thank you for this blog and for your consistent willingness to reply and provide guidance for these many folks in dire need of it. Hoping you can afford me some of the same. :)

I’m 7+ years sober and active in recovery from alcoholism. My spouse of 2+ years (known him for 5+) was originally a sober member of a recovery community but has relapsed several times and has no program at the moment. His opiod addiction is medically managed at the moment with suboxone and has been for years, under a doctor’s supervision. But his mentality remains fundamentally that of an addict.

Last year we welcomed his 15 year old son to our home. Husband got full custody because child’s mother is a train wreck and is across the country. Child is difficult — tough teen stuff and some acute attachment disorder issues which make it tougher. The stress has been a lot for both of us (no other kids). Husband, because he is an essentially unrecovered addict, has succumbed to smoking pot on occasion. This jeopardizes his union job as well as destroys the trust and respect between us. It renders him a hypocrite with respect to his son, who desperately needs his father (a long overdue role).

Here’s my question. But for the son, whom I love and have managed to have a positive impact upon (I’m really the only solid adult this kid has ever known), I would have already left or kicked husband out. My sobriety is not in peril, as it exists independent of the actions of others based on my daily maintenance of my spiritual condition. I am just over it with husband; I have exhausted my personal wellspring of hope for him. But there’s the son. I have no legal rights over him, but I am his life raft.

Do I stay in an unhappy marriage for a couple years in the child’s interests? Any interruption to the family unit would be dire for this kid, he’s had so much of it and his counselor is working hard to patch it up. I think I can do that, but I WILL enable husband if we are cohabitating. That’s just how that goes. So … which devil do I choose? Husband has been in and out of the program most of his adult life so he knows exactly how and where to get help if he chooses. He is not choosing to now and makes no promise at the moment that he will.

Sharon
2:11 am August 4th, 2016

Hi. I’ve been married to my husband for 32 years. He has been an addict for at least the last 20. I have come to terms with the fact that I enabled him for years hoping things would change but they’ve only gotten worse. Now I know it is time to leave. My problem is that I don’t have a dime to my name. I had breast cancer treatment last year and have been unable to find work. I really want to leave and start a new life. Any suggestions?

Amanda Andruzzi
3:24 pm August 8th, 2016

Renee,
Thank you for sharing with us and I am happy you are able to maintain your sobriety. Spirituality is definitely something that is needed to keep your recovery in check. I hope I can give you some useful advice. You cannot sacrafice your sanity, happiness, and well-being for an addict but I can guarantee that you can gain custody of his son if you want to fight for it. I think what you are willing to sacrafice for this boy is very noble. I woud feel the same way. If you can insist on custody he might just let you have it and if you legally go for custody, you might get it based on the fact that he is old enough to decide where he wants to live and because his father is an active addict. The choice is yours but I think you would both (son) better off without him.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:57 pm August 8th, 2016

Sharon,
If you have been married to him for that long than you have half of whatever you both have. If he lost everything due to addiction that is another story but you are entitled to have of the assets. If that does not help then it is time to go to family and friends for support. Sometimes putting yourself out there and allowing people who love you to help you through this time is hard to do at first but it might be just the catalyst you need. Being around supportive people is not what you have experienced in your household so having healthy, loving people around you might help you get through this and help you get back on your own two feet again.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Rock-ME-Hard Place
6:51 am September 6th, 2016

After more than 20 years, this will be the first time i tell anyone my story. My husband chooses drugs over me, his children, his pets, and our home. I say choose because he has quit on a couple of occasions when significant, negative life events happened without any signs of withdrawal. I’m not exactly sure what drugs he uses but it involves those copper scrub pads. He is over 65 and not wasting away so i dont think its crack or meth, but i could be wrong. I am the breadwinner of the family. He only receives a very small SS check and does an occasional handy man job. I’ve endured his behavior for years to protect the children, or so i thought. They are damaged because of him. I want him to leave, or die, but he won’t. I make just enough money to keep a roof over our heads at this point and am in debt up to my eyeballs. The kicker is that i work from home so if i would leave, i would lose my job plus my son has recently needed to move home and there are pets to consider. His abuse is verbal and environmental. He says things that are so vile and hurtful on a daily basis. They cannot be unsaid or unheard. It’s like a game to him, like he could go further than saying things like digging up my dead mother and selling sex acts on her. If he doesnt get what he wants, he flips the breaker and turns off the electricity and takes away my dog. He has also put salt in my soda bottle and sprays chlorox all over the bathroom because I’m allergic to chlorine. He gets in debt to his dealer, or so he says, and uses that to extort money i dont have from me to keep us safe.

Tonight, i sit here after enduring 3 hours of being berated with so many vile insults, being in the dark and heat, without my only friend (my dog), with the little food i scrimped for rotting in the refrigerator, with heart palpitations due to the stress, and my job in jeopardy. I didnt cave and risk bouncing the rent check as i have done so many times in the past for him. He turned on the breaker, gave me my dog, and said i “won” this time, whatever that means. I’ll keep my knife and my dog by my side tonight and if a dealer shows up, i will gladly point them in his direction.

Thanks for listening. That alone is invaluable to me at this point.

Renee
5:07 pm September 6th, 2016

Thank you for the feedback! Husband has come to a place of willingness and will leave Friday for a month of treatment at Cumberland Heights, where they will detox him from suboxone and work specifically on relapse prevention. The minute he expressed willingness to go my heart softened and I realized that he can recover — because anyone CAN recover. Often people don’t; that doesn’t mean they CAN’T. I have and I watch other people recover every day, so I know it is possible. With willingness, open mindedness and honesty RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. But if you’re loving someone who lacks one or more of these critical elements, there will be nothing but pain ahead.

Before he agreed to go, I had prepared divorce papers and given him a copy – preparing them was hard but it made it “real” for him in a way my words did not. Now that he’s agreed to get help, I will wait for six months after his successful completion of the 30-day program to decide whether to file. What I know is that I’ll be fine either way: with him or without him, I will be okay.

joanne
8:53 am September 7th, 2016

How can I stop enabling my husband when he threatens me if I don’t give him money?He gets really crazy mad and violent and abuses me mentally and won’t stop until he gets what he wants!

Amanda Andruzzi
2:25 am September 13th, 2016

Rock me,
Please know that the dealer will come after him and if you insist or file an order of protection then the addict will no longer even be in your home. I know it is scary, I have been where you are but you deserve peace, a better life and so do your children. It seems he only detracts from your life and your household and you have to support him. Wouldn’t life be easier if he left? You can do this if you want to, though it may not be easy, you can.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:27 am September 13th, 2016

Good for you Renee. I do hope things work out for the both of you but as you said and most importantly, either way you will be okay.
Amanda

Amanda Andruzzi
2:31 am September 13th, 2016

joanne,
Do you want to continue on this way? If you don’t do something to change things, then they will stay the same. I know exactly what you are going through, the mental and verbal abuse is horrifying but you have choices; you can stick to your boundaries and tell him you will not support his addiction and/or you can leave and extricate yourself from this situation. If he knows you are not going to be intimidated, then he will move on to someone else he can intimidate.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Jo
6:57 am September 16th, 2016

Such an amazing read. Married for a year and a half now, and have discovered my husband is using meth/ice. I say discovered because he doesn’t yet know that I know. His behaviour hasn’t been quite right for a while now. And you know women’s intuition is a powerful thing. I did some snooping and found his glass pipe in a small bag with a short straw and bits of sponge and some empty baggies. He goes to the bathroom and takes forever, but I hear his torch lighter clicking away. His eyes are nearly always glassy. We work together and he disappears to the bathroom up to 3 or 4 times a day during work. I know what he’s doing. I have since found his stash, he lies about why he’s late home when he leaves before me and gets home after me. He never has money and I’m usually left with all the financial stuff. Rent bills food. Im so hurt by this especially since he knows my ex was a heroin addict and everything I went through with him. I sometimes think I’m emotionally done, I feel exhausted and numb. And I don’t even know how to begin to tell him I know. I don’t even do drugs, but it seems I sure know how to find men that do.

Tany
12:01 pm September 16th, 2016

Hello,

I am married now 2 years, I had been feeling lonely in the marriage for sometime now that I went to a counselor on how to talk to my husband on things that could have been fixed, like spending more time with me, being intimate and attending family functions. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to go anywhere and most of the time he says “no you go ahead and have fun” so I discussed these things with him and he said he’d try and work on them. Not even a week later I walk in on him snorting OxyContin, he looks good on paper, great job, nice house all the hoopla. I’ve asked him if he has a problem and he denies it, and says it’s just recreational, but after looking around the house I found muscle relaxers and Xanax too and approached him about those too, straws in the garage and his car. I’ve asked him to get help, and help for us and says we don’t need it that he can stop on his own. All love, trust and respect went out the door when I saw that. How he thought I was going to be ok having to watch him do that I don’t know?! I have separated myself from him and still nothing, then he tells me he will go as far as going to marriage counseling but that’s it, I badly want kids and now he says he doesn’t. There is no family involvement, his family stopped talking to me after our wedding and he wants nothing to do with mine. I’m at the point of divorce and ready to sign papers this has all been in about a month and a week now since the incident and I don’t think we can get back to a normal life. What’s your advice?

Tanya
1:36 pm September 16th, 2016

Hello,

I am married now 2 years, I had been feeling lonely in the marriage for sometime now that I went to a counselor on how to talk to my husband on things that could have been fixed, like spending more time with me, being intimate and attending family functions. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to go anywhere and most of the time he says “no you go ahead and have fun” so I discussed these things with him and he said he’d try and work on them. Not even a week later I walk in on him snorting OxyContin, he looks good on paper, great job, nice house all the hoopla. I’ve asked him if he has a problem and he denies it, and says it’s just recreational, but after looking around the house I found muscle relaxers and Xanax too and approached him about those too, straws in the garage and his car. I’ve asked him to get help, and help for us and says we don’t need it that he can stop on his own. All love, trust and respect went out the door when I saw that. How he thought I was going to be ok having to watch him do that I don’t know?! I have separated myself from him and still nothing, then he tells me he will go as far as going to marriage counseling but that’s it, I badly want kids and now he says he doesn’t. There is no family involvement, his family stopped talking to me after our wedding and he wants nothing to do with mine. I’m at the point of divorce and ready to sign papers this has all been in about a month and a week now since the incident and I don’t think we can get back to a normal life. What’s your advice? I have also sought out the help of counselors for advice on addicts and even my priest at church and the answers are all the same. Unless he’s willing to change there’s nothing I can do.

Denise
5:23 am September 20th, 2016

I swear to god I don’t know where to start, I have been with my husband 10 years married 6 we don’t have any children together, in fact we don’t have anything together , honestly in my heart I know this is not healthy for me, I am jus thankful to GOD that I can admit that this is no good for me I know ( truely know ) that he’s not gonna stop , unless He except his addition , take it to God and believe he can change ( and do it )but I do t see that happening no time soon it’s now been 11 days since I saw him, he changed his cell number to keep me from calling him jus knowing I would fuss , so guess it gotten to the point he don’t want to hear the fussing and I’m sure he don’t , because the truth don’t need any support , I fast and pray to God for certain things , I have to be honest I KNOW my husband is not gonna stop and in due time he will wind back up in prison, no I’m not one of those who don’t want to hear the truth , I’m one of those that’s looking for support to help me get pass this and the funny thing is that I feel he’s having and living in with another women, why dose that bother me so much ? ( I wouldn’t know ) so because I know all of theses things , someone please help me and give me some encouraging words I have to get out of this but I swear to you I don’t know how my feelings are do caught up,I’m here crying and wondering everyday while he don’t have a care in the world, I calls him and text him so many times in one day that I loose count, and he never answers or respond I need help so bad so if anyone feel they can support me , please do I’m so broken hearted right how can he go all of theses days without seeing or talking to me , why am i
the only one crying , hurting and seems that he has jus removed himself from my life completely , please anyone I need guidence I don’t deserve this and I would think all the times he’s went to jail I was right there for him even when he got out no matter how long it was I was there , I am so hurt and confused help me please

Jo
6:20 am September 20th, 2016

Well, I did it. We were arguing about money, and him trying to justify where all his pay goes. I asked him, how much do you spend on drugs each week? Well! That was it. He flew into a rage, took off his wedding ring, said i’m out of here. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I told him I had found his pipe and his drugs. Where? Show me! I had to explain that is found them a few days earlier. Then more yelling about going through his stuff. Then an angry admission that it’s not that bad, he only uses it every now and then. Then off he goes in his car. Later he throws his kit at me with a pipe and empty baggies in it and says is this what you want.
Next day at work I get an apology, and the same old, I don’t use that much, I don’t have problem. I’m not addicted. Then off to the bathroom he goes, and returns with glazed eyes. He’s in quite the chipper mood. But how’s he lighting up when the pipe is at home? On further inspection when I get home, it’s not even the same one that I found previously. Then when he gets home he says proudly I’ll smash it with a hammer, you’ll see I don’t need it. So this he does. He must be feeling so happy and smart to have pulled one over on me. That was just the first step. Things are going to get messy, I just feel it. He got so angry telling him I knew, how’s he going to be when I tell him that wasn’t the pipe I found, and I know he’s still using during the day. Now I have to pluck up the courage for the next step.

shona
10:28 pm September 28th, 2016

Yep i am the biggest enabler out there !!! I believe his crap his promises i need a back bone i love him so much he is not only my husband but my best friend he isnt always using gets clean & our life is amazing then relapses. Easily led. I am such a pushover i feel like dirt on his shoe. We only got married 2 wks ago and he has relapsed already. These should be the happiest days of our lives :( im so so devestated. Only for my babys id be dead im not cut out for this erractic life. Im so weak. I need to tell him to leave i do say it & then tell him to stay because im a coward & dunno how to be without him & dont want him to suffer ha how ironic. I need some wise words im keeping this all inside me like a caged animal :(

LISA
5:37 pm October 4th, 2016

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS TO A CRACK ADDICT. TOM WAS MY JR HIGH SWEETHEART. WE HAVE LOVED EACH OTHER SINCE I WAS 11 YRS. OLD. WE HAD A ONE NIGHT FLING BEFORE HE WENT INTO THE NAVY. HE WENT HIS WAY, I WENT MINE. HE ENDED UP MARRYING A WOMAN HE DIDN’T EVEN LIKE AND BECAME EXTREMELY MISERABLE IN THAT MARRIAGE. SOME COWORKERS TURNED HIM ON TO COCAINE THEN CRACK. HE DIVORCED AND AFTER 19 YRS OF A BAD MARRIAGE, I DIVORCED. HE FOUND ME AND WE STARTED DATING, THINKING IT WAS FINALLY OUR TURN FOR HAPPINESS. WE HAD A GREAT FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE, NO PROBLEMS…UNTIL HE DISAPPEARED. I THOUGHT HE HAD BEEN KILLED. I FINALLY FOUND OUT ABOUT HIS ADDICTION. HE HAS WENT INTO REHAB 5 TIMES. HE IS A VETERAN AND HAS GONE THROUGH THE VA ECT…. HE LEFT ON CHRISTMAS EVE 3 YRS AGO….. HE HAS WASTED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WE DESPERATELY NEEDED FOR OUR FAMILY. HE HAS BEEN IN JAIL FOR UP TO 3 YEARS. I STAYED BY HIS SIDE, MY FAITH SAYS “FOR BETTER OR WORSE”. HE CAME OUT OF JAIL 5 MONTHS AGO. WE PUT OUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER AND HE FOUND A GREAT PAYING JOB, GOING TO CHURCH, MAKING PLANS AND GOALS, GOING TO BUY A HOUSE….. HE CALLED ME ON HIS WAY HOME FRIDAY NIGHT, ASKED WHAT I WANTED TO DO FOR THE EVENING. I SUGGESTED WE GO BOWLING WITH THE KIDS AND TO DINNER. HE STATED PLAYING AROUND SAYING HOW BAD HE WAS GOING TO BEAT US AT BOWLING. THIS WAS 5:30 PM. AT 6:30 I CALLED HIM TO CHECK AND MAKE SURE HE WAS OK OR THAT HE DIDN’T GET CAUGHT IN TRAFFIC. HIS PHONE WAS TURNED OFF. MY HEART SANK. I JUST GOT A TERRIBLE FEELING HE TOOK OFF AGAIN AND HE DID!!!! HE TOOK OFF WITH MY CAR. SO, I MADE UP MY MIND, THAT IS IT!!! I WENT LOOKING IN ALL THE PLACES I HAD FOUND HIM BEFORE IN CRACK ALLEY HOUSTON AND SATURDAY NIGHT I FOUND MY CAR. HE HAD GIVEN IT TO THE SAME DRUG DEALERS FOR DRUGS THAT HE GAVE IT TO BEFORE. I PULLED INTO THE STORE PARKING LOT AND RAN UP INTO MY CAR, OPEN THE DOOR SCREAMING AT THEM TO GIVE ME MY CAR. THEY GAVE ME MY KEYS AND SAID THEY TOLD TOM TO GO HOME BUT HE WOULDN’T. I SCREAMED AT THEM ” I DON’T CARE ANYMORE ABOUT TOM, GIVE ME MY KEYS.’ I TOOK OFF, MY MOM BEHIND ME IN HER CAR AND ……I WAS SO RELIEVED. TOM HAS CALLED ME TWICE BEGGING TO COME HOME. I SAID NO!!!! I SAID I WAS FILING FOR DIVORCE AND WOULD NOT ENABLE HIM ANY MORE. I WAS NOT GOING TO HELP HIM, PICK UP HIS PIECES, WAIT FOR HIM OR CRY ONE MORE TEAR FOR HIM. I WAS GOING TO PUT ME FIRST. HE TRIED PULLING THE MANIPULATION CARD, BUT I TOLD HIM TO JUST STOP. I LOVE THIS MAN MORE THAN…..ANYTHING AT ONE TIME. NOW I LOVE ME. I AM FILING FOR DIVORCE THIS WEEK. I MADE HIM SIGN THE PAPERS WHEN HE GOT OUT OF JAIL TO SHOW HIM HOW SERIOUS I WAS. I TOLD HIM ON THE PHONE, IF YOU WANT YOUR LIFE..IF YOU WANT ME…IF YOU WANT YOUR KIDS, YOU HAVE DO CLEAN UP YOUR LIFE ON YOUR OWN. YOU HAVE TO WANT IT FOR YOU MOST OF ALL. NO ONE CAN WANT IT MORE THAN YOU. I REFUSE TO PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD ONE MORE DAY. MY KIDS HAVE SUFFERED, MY FAMILY HAS SUFFERED, MY FINANCES HAVE SUFFERED AND I HAVE SUFFERED SO VERY MUCH . I CAN NOT COUNT THE TEARS I HAVE CRIED OR THE SCREAMS I HAVE YELLED AS I HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS HELL. I HAVE EVEN WANTED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE, THE PAIN IS SO EXCRUCIATING. NO MORE. I HAVE TO GET OUT WHILE I STILL HAVE LIFE IN ME TO LIVE. THIS IS TOM’S PROBLEM AND ONLY TOM CAN FIX IT. HE HAS TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM AND HE NEVER WILL IF I AM THERE TO CATCH HIM EVERY TIME!!!! I PRAY THIS IS RIGHT, I PRAY I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING. I JUST KNOW I CAN NOT DROWN WITH HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. AND I DO, I LOVE HIM WITH EVERY CELL IN MY SOUL!!!! MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU…. LISA

LISA
5:46 pm October 4th, 2016

DENISE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU REALLY ARE NOT ALONE. I HAVE BEEN THERE, HELL I AM THERE. BUT I AM STRONGER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN. YOU HAVE TO GRAB EVERY BIT OF STRENGTH YOU HAVE AND MAKE HIM CLEAN UP ON HIS OWN. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE. THERE IS A MAN WHO WILL TREAT YOU YOUR REAL WORTH. BE STRONG LOVE, LET HIM FALL. FOCUS ON YOU!!!!!! EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT. I KNOW THE TRUE HEART BREAKING STRUGGLE!!!

Shirley
5:50 am October 12th, 2016

I have decided i can’t live like this anymore, after my partner has went thru yet another one off his ‘phases’ 4 in 2 years. I have always made excuses for his behaviour. But this time I just feel let down and wonder what the future holds for me and our kids. I have made the choice that if he doesn’t get proper help, then I can no longer have any relationship with him. The hard part is our 2 small children, where do I start. i have no trust in him to put kids first and make sure their okay. He will smoke drugs and take drugs and drive.

Amanda Andruzzi
4:09 pm October 12th, 2016

Jo, Tanya, Denise, Shona, Lisa, & Shirley,

one thing that all of you have in common is that you love an addict. The situation may be different but the framework is the same. An addict and the illnes of addiction is selfish, self-centered, sociopathic, manipulative, pathological, and toxic all rolled into one. And the one major thing you all have in common is that you’ve lost yourself. I am thinking about starting phone and online support groups in the near future so if you would be interested please let me know. Until then I wrote Hope Street so that I could help you, all of you understand better what you are going through and what you I need to do to get yourself better and out of this situation.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Lori
12:38 am October 20th, 2016

I know I am an enabler but honestly don’t know how to stop. Each time i try i find myself just justifying enabling in a whole different way. My husband and i have been married for 8 years . WE have lost our living situation three different times during these years of marriage. I have always been the income provider and now we are in seperate homes renting rooms seperately. I sneak him in my room a lot at which i know I am enabling him. I feel i need to cut him off until he chooses to get clean but then he lies and manipulates me that he is working a program and there i go again enabling him. I feel so dumb for doing it but stuck in this cycle . Sometimes i think its me who needs the help more than him. I just dont want to live a drug filled life anymore. I dont use drugs and just want boring normal…. Work…come home….eat dinner…watch tv and on weekends visit grandkids and family……this up and down i am losing who i am…..my confidence is shot and its all my fault. I cant blame anyone for me being an enabler. I need help.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:11 pm October 20th, 2016

Lori, I am glad to hear you say that you are the one who needs help. He needs help but a very different kind. Half the issue with co-addicts is that we don’t think it is us who is the problem or part of the problem. We think if we can just change the addict, we will be okay too but if our life depends on another person’s condition, then that is a problem. If you need help, get it, ask for it. Find a support group, people that you trust who can support you, therapy, and try all of the steps I have written about in this blog in my 40+ articles here. Don’t give up, you can have normal but you have to change.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

It's time
3:48 am October 29th, 2016

Thank you for sharing! It’s time to make a change for my children (both under 4) and for me. My eyes have finally been opened and I am able to see things for what they really are.

Thank you!

Anne
1:41 am November 1st, 2016

I am now starting to feel like a fool. My addict spouse played me over and over and I was so naive I let him. All of the scenes keep playing in my head now and I am upset at myself for being an enabler and losing everything. He is in jail now and has been substance free for 6 months. Says he has hit rock bottom and does not want to go back to using. I don’t know how to trust this? The bad scenes keep popping into my head like PTSD. I hate myself.

Amanda Andruzzi
12:50 pm November 1st, 2016

It’sTime and Anne,
There comes a point when you open your eyes and realize your contribution to the situation. He would not be able to manipulate you if you were not enabling. You have to learn to break the cycle. That is what I am here for; to help you do just that.
Amanda Andruzzi

lynn
1:51 pm November 7th, 2016

Thank you for doing this.. this is the only thing I’ve read that makes sense. I feel so selfish by shutting the door on his when everyone else (including his “friends) has!

Amanda Andruzzi
1:11 am November 18th, 2016

Lynn,
It is not selfish to take care of yourself especially when you are at the point of drowning. If this relationship is causing you harm how can you take care of anyone becaue as a co-addict I know you sure aren’t taking care of yourself. The guilt will fade when you realize that enabling an addict really only prolongs their addiction and if you leave they may hit bottom or end up doing the same thing they did to you to someone else. Either way, it is not your fault.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

April
5:05 am November 21st, 2016

I’ve been married to a meth addict 13 years. I’ve left and he always begs and swear he is clean. I came back for the last time 3 days ago. He said he’d been clean 6 weeks but told me the truth today less than a week. He has always lied about using but he is finally telling me and himself the truth. This is the last time I will deal with this. I’m so tired.

Amanda Andruzzi
7:04 pm November 21st, 2016

April,
You should be tired of this. When you are ready for this to stop I am here.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Leigh
10:45 pm November 27th, 2016

I have been married for 13 years and for the last 6 years my husband has been a cocaine addict. For a year and half his addiction was extreme, but most the most part he has done it sporadically. (i think ;). The one thing about our situation which is incredible is he has NEVER told ANYONE about his addiction and I have NEVER told ANYONE about his addition. It’s all very secret. We have large home/ cottage/vehicles/ doing well financially but our marriage is a sham. Loveless/ sexless and hurtful. 3 kids 10 and under. I just caught him again doing the drug. I told him last time he would have to leave if he did it again …….and he’s still here, …. making chilli right now ! and helped our son with guitar practice earlier. He’s no angel. Paranoia, anger, no patience and switching blame to me is constant but my kids adore him he’s a fairly good dad. He’s here never gone and drives to lessons / cooks /cleans….etc. I almost feel numb – definately stupid. It’s just not bad enough to blow everything up and get a divorce – but I have serious doubts that time will fix what is going on. I read some posts about enabling and I realize I am probably doing that. Mostly by letting him stay here. I think I need to get help. But I’m so scared to tell anyone and have our reputation / kids reputation ruined. (He know’s this). I am in my mid 40’s haven’t had sex in about a year now – and I’m miserable. Oh he’s also an alcoholic – still finding empty vodka bottles hidden in walls etc. We have settled on drug tests. It worked for a while until I realized he had ordered opiate drug tests., oh there was the stored up urine for tests too. Yup….I’m an idiot! Oh and just today he finally admitted it has been the handy man who has been supplying. Yes …..’it’s amazing I can even leave a reply to this blog with my level of intelligence!
Think I am going to seriously start reading about how to help me/ go to some classes and focus on myself for a while. Slightly concerned about the money. We are not hurting but have to some day put kids through school and I’m sure he has spent thousands. Has his own business so no boss or demands ever put on him. Life is good for him.
Ahhh – don’t know what to do. But feels good someone might read this. :)

Christina
1:04 pm December 6th, 2016

Thank you for this website. I’m posting because I’m four months into separation with my husband of 5 years due to marijuana addiction. We have a 4 and 2 year old. I tried to get him to quit many times which always resulted in lies. So I stopped trying after a point and promised myself if he ever hurt the children I would leave. One night he made hash cookies and mixed up the cookies with the children’s. Thank God I was the one who are the cookie, not the babies, but that was enough. I called the police and filed for divorce. His time with the kids has been supervised and now his hair follicle levels are zero. I am contemplating going through with the divorce or not. He never went to any drug treatment, he just quit on his own. He has used God to help him quit. My problem is his lack of ownership, he blames me for putting the kids through this and him through this. He says he wants addicted he just likes it. He has never really apologized to me. He says I don’t trust him because of my past issues and does not own how he caused the problem. Those facts tell me I should not take him back as he still has the addcits mentality? Should we try counseling? I could care less about him in my life, but missing half of my children’s lives for 16 years while they are with him is heartbreaking.

Tanya
4:22 pm December 6th, 2016

Leigh-

I was in the same boat except no kids and instead of cocaine it was OxyContin and benzos, and, muscle relaxers. I had no idea and we’d only been married for 2 1/2 years. But he still got his work done, errands, chores around the house and so forth, a great job, nice car, nice house, I still felt lonely in the marriage. No intamacy, we hardly went out for a date, things I though we could work on, until I walked in on him snorting that stuff. I pleaded he get help, so he could stop I have it some time but he didn’t budge, I found text messages between him and dealer and found pills all throughout the house. I filed for divorce and moved out, part of me feels free, I don’t have to worry about coming home and seeing him dead on the floor, he’s not my responsibility any more and then there’s a part of me that does worry about him and still wants to go back because I feel guilty in a way for turning my back on him. But I wasn’t happy and I had to do what was right for me. There’s no good that will come out of living with an addict no matter what and I’ve realized that especially having a really good friend that went through this mess, she went back 3 times after all the Im clean stories. It’s a bunch of BS and unless they truly want help they have to do it for themselves. They have to hit rock bottom before they even realize they have a problem, which is what numerous drug counselors told me. Protect yourself and your family. I worry to but I’m gonna manage and make it. Starting over isn’t all that bad, change is good in these situations.

Amanda Andruzzi
10:07 pm December 6th, 2016

Leigh,

Where does holding in this secret get you? Maybe outside things look good but I know you are dying inside, just going through the motions, resenting your situation and being the only sane person in your marriage. Sometimes for things to get better they have to get worse. The thing you don’t want to let go of is the exact thing you need to in order to make progress and heal your family. I can’t guarantee he will get better but I can guarantee that you and your children will be better off either way; they get their dad back, sober or he he leaves and the toxicity of the addiction is gone and you and your children can be free and heal and find a new normal and even be happy. Secrets and enabling only eat away at you and allow the addict a free pass to keep using.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
10:12 pm December 6th, 2016

Christina, if you don’t want to be in a relationship where your partner gets high all the time then you have every right to do something about it. Don’t let him intimidate you or make you feel guilty that you don’t want weed in your home or your children’s parent to raise them being high all the time. He won’t get 50/50 custody with his history and you need to do what is right for you too. You have the right to be happy so that you can be a better parent. More spouses should follow through with their boundaries like you did instead of enabling an addict.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sarah
5:26 pm December 11th, 2016

To make this as short as possible, am I enabling my husband more by trying to control when he gets his meds, or to let him take them and be out and suffer the consequences?

Caro
10:10 pm December 17th, 2016

information about alcohol and drug addict

donatella
11:15 pm December 20th, 2016

Hi,

I still don’t understand what I should do to stop enabling; I AM more than ready to get going as am fed up with his lies. please i need help to go through this hard situation; have two very young daughters and it is very hard

Amanda Andruzzi
6:19 pm December 21st, 2016

Sarah,
Yes, you are enabling by trying to control his addiction in any way. You have to do what is best for you and I don’t think it involves managing someone else’s medications.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
6:21 pm December 21st, 2016

donatella,
get support for yourself in the form of therapy, Al-anon, and enlist friends and family first. The next step is to become educated on addiction and enabling which you can find in my articles. Then you have to stop your enabling behaviors; maybe all at once or little by little but you need to come to a point where you are okay, even if the addict is not. This is about your health and well-being and your girls right now.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

HeIsTheLoveofMyLife
11:50 pm December 29th, 2016

I am a recovering addict who is clean but am married to an active addict and we have three children ages 5 and under. He abuses his anxiety and pain pills and drinks moderate amounts of alcohol. He has a bad back problem as well as anxiety but he snorts his pills, takes too much, runs out early, is an asshole and can’t cope when he runs out. He lies. He denies his use until I have so much proof he can’t deny it; but still only fesses as little as he has to. He has told me he would stop and either did for a while and failed or just hid it more. He has relapsed so many times. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to believe him. I realize I’ve enabled him to use again by not enforcing my boundaries. I kicked him out in spring of ’15. He stayed with friends and started going to meetings. We got back together and had our third child who is now 10 months. I’m obviously trying to give him another chance to recover and spare our children, him, and myself from the pain of separation. I told him yesterday that I’ve failed in my recovery as a codependent and have let his shit slide and that I have to draw the line. I gave him a deadline of the end of the month of January (he may have misunderstood me and thought I meant the end of this month, December) for him to clean up, get back to meetings, tell his sponser, accountability partners, his family, etc, or I would have to make him leave again. I slept late today as I was up very late reading articles and comments here and crying for feeling disappointed and sad that I may have to kick him out again and he really may never be clean and I and my children may never get to have him be clean and healthy. When I got up he was on the phone with his sponsor. He finished and told me he had called HR at work and told them he was in recovery and needed to be allowed to miss part of his shift once a week to be able to attend meetings. He flushed his whole prescription of pain meds he had filled yesterday and said he was going to be sick for three days and asked me to be patient with him for three days. I don’t know if this will work for him. I’ve told him he is the only person who can do this. I am determined to work on just me and to follow through with not enabling him. That may end up meaning I will have to make him leave. I wrote to my sponsor and told her what was going on and that I am going to talk with my mom to explain to her how badly I need to get back to my meetings and I know once I ask she’ll take care of the kids so I can go. I feel sad and happy. I feel scared. Things need to change. I don’t know how they are going to change or exactly what is going to happen. But I am going to follow through and do my part. I’m going to do the right thing. I’m going to use my logic, not my emotions. It will still hurt. But I am in recovery, and I will own my recovery. I am scared.

L
4:48 am January 2nd, 2017

I found out on 23rd December that my husband of 2 and a half years is addicted to cocaine and has ran up massive debts. I am devastated and feel so stupid as I didn’t have a clue.

We’ve been together for 16 years and we had recently started trying for our first baby and I feel that he has taken this away from me as I can’t bring a child into this mess.

He says he will do whatever it takes and wants help but won’t talk to me about anything. He gets upset and feels extremely sorry for himself and tries to put some of the blame on me. He has also taken overdoses and keeps telling me I’d be better off with someone else.

I’m so angry with him and sick of his temper. I love him and want him to get better but I just don’t know if it’still possible as I think he is still very much in denial. He has been referred to an addictions centre so we are still waiting for the appointment to come through. Life really does sucks at the moment and I hope I’m not wasting my time trying to support him.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:16 am January 2nd, 2017

TheLoveofMyLife,
Thank you for sharing here. I know you are scared but you will find comfort in knowing you are doing the best thing, the right thing for you and for your children. You, as an addict in recovery must know that this is on him; he has to do this for him, on his own terms and not for anyone else. You are going to get through this either way, remember that.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Carol
6:27 pm January 8th, 2017

I have a serious problem. I am codependent. Married to alcoholic for 35 years. Nothing has changed. He cannot be trusted, lies, steals and will never change. I am 65 years old and this life is taking on a toll on me. Why do I live this life? I need serious help.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:01 am January 18th, 2017

Carol,
It is never too late to change your situation and leave. If you have become addicted to him and your life in some way, I know leaving is hard but I can assure you what you have been dealing with for 35 years has been much harder. If you are serious about getting help then don’t wait. Get a therapist, a support group, join Al-anon and confide in friends and family for support. Do it now, don’t wait.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Shannon
5:05 pm February 2nd, 2017

I need help . My husband is a “functioning ” addict if that’s what you call it . He goes through periods of being clean then binges and spends all our money on bills. I try to take all the money and keep him from it but he is now demanding he won’t be ” rationed” his own money. I had a health crisis recently and I am not able to just leave because of money and literally no where to go . I realize that he will never stop unless he wants to but how do I pay bills with him like this ? I feel stuck. Giving him access to money just enables him more and I can’t save to leave . I’m desperate I need advice. Please help. How do you keep a man away from his own money ? When it should be going to the household. I just need to find the help to just let go but also need to survive with 2 children.

Kathy
6:34 pm February 9th, 2017

I met my Husband on Jan 1st, 2015, he said he was Seperated, from his wife, and was getting a Divorce. He ask me to Marry him, on February 14, 2015, and I said yes. We got married, only 10 months after we met. He used to do Crack COCAINE, and some street drugs, told me he hadn’t done that in 20 + years, and would NEVER do them again. I believed him. Well I found out he was doing street drugs again and Crack COCAINE again. His Daughter told him to tell me, the truth. He did, because his Brother he was doing it with, committed Suicide. We lost our Rental, we lost our Business, and became homeless. 10 months later were still living between Friends, and my Parent’s. I don’t TRUST him. He lies alot. I sometimes think he’s a CON artists, because of all the things he was able to talk me into. He is a very controlling, Jealous Man. He complains about me being on Facebook, and always ask who I’m talking to. I feel that I’ve started to be controlling to him, in the since that I always want to know where he is, who he’s communicating with. It’s Exsuhusting. Help. My Family won’t talk to me, my Daughter’s won’t let me see my Grandkids or Them. No one has respect for me anymore. It really hurts my Husband. It’s extremely hard on me, and it is causing martial problems. My Family knows I’m in a bad situation. What can I do

Danielle
5:57 am February 11th, 2017

My name is Danielle I am a mother of three amazing boys and a 16 year old daughter that came into my life when she was three when I met her father. I have been with the father of my kids for almost 13 years now and for a long time we were happy and I thought there was nothing in this world thatcould have come between us. Boy was I wrong…. For the past 3 years he has used prescription drugs. He has lost jobs, we have had to move multiple times, and we barely get by financially week to week even tho he brings home close to $1000 a week. I have recently found out that he is also using crystal meth. My two oldest have found his empty baggies and pipe he uses to smoke it. I am finally realizing that I am his enabler. I tell myself he has to work and cant go to work having withdrawals so I give him more money. When things get really bad and I threaten to take the kids and leave he promises to change but it never happens. I have always chosen to stay because I am scared he will get worse if the kids and I leave, that he will feel like we are abandoning him. I am also scared to leave bc of our 16 year old daughter she has already lost one parent bc they chose drugs over her. Her father has had custody since she turned 5 and bc we r not married I have no legal rights and dont think he would allow me to take her with me. I dont want to leave without her or want her to think I am leaving her behind bc I don’t love her. My mother has found out about his recent drug use of meth and is threatening me that if I dont get her grandsons away from their father and come stay with her she will have my kids taken away. I have already been battling severe bouts of depression this past year and feel like I am drowning with no way to get back to the top for air. I need some advice and have no one close to turn to. Please help

Disgusted, tired and alone
6:42 am February 23rd, 2017

I could write the whole story out but it sounds so familiar to the ones I’ve already read on here. Married 16 years to an addict who’s been an active, high functioning addict for at least 10. We’ve lost vehicles, our house has been in foreclosure, he’s went to jail, facing prison, lost jobs. The list is long. I love him. Always have. But I’m so tired. I don’t leave because of money. Plain and simple. I have no one else to rely on. I work but make the bare minimum. No college education. Nowhere to go and can’t afford a house on my own. I have three kids. They adore their dad but are picking up on the fact that things aren’t right. My life is hell and I feel stuck. I love this man from the depths of my soul but I hate him too. I hate him for destroying something that could be amazing. We tried rehab. He got kicked out. We tried outpatient. It didn’t last. I’ve asked him to go to counseling. He never does. The man I fell in love with, doesn’t exist anymore. I still love my husband but I don’t think that’s enough. I want out and I wish there was more help for women like me. I can’t make it on my own with three kids so I stay and our lives are miserable. We have no assets so. Blew his 401k. Have lost everything else. He’s even pawned my jewelry and everything of value that was mine. Stolen from the kids. I feel sick just writing this. Yes, in my heart I am done. But financially, I am stuck.

Madeliene
5:46 am February 28th, 2017

Can a spouse be arrested due to his wife’s drug use?

Fruzsina
10:57 am March 4th, 2017

Hi there,
My husband has been smoking hashish on and off since we met. He knows I hate it and only agreed to get married and have children if he stops. When he has a spliff he will most definitely goes back for more and of course, he does it in secret. He’s known not to pay our rent for 2 months to feed his habit.He used to apologise when I found his drugs but not anymore. I don’t want an apology, I just want him to care enough to stop. I would leave him but we just moved to Sweden and I still have no job to support myself and our two children. I was even thought about telling his sister and ask her to have a word with him as they are close, but unsure if it is a good idea. Please tell me how to stop enablin him and what else can I do. Thank you!

hax
9:33 am March 5th, 2017

hi I been wiz my husband for 13 yrs n have a daughter 6yrs.when I married I never know he was a drug addict after a yr in I found out.we moved from home country for 6 yrs to work abroad every was fine never used drugs or anything since we had our daughter n came back life came hell he start again lies excuse.we had money issu I went back to work leaving my daughter wiz him n his mother when I came back it was worse.that was in 2012 .all I work I put in own business so I depend on him to live so ever time we argue he black mail me not giving me my expenses he say he not addict he denied every time he take methadon every so he get energy to work so every 2 or 3 month he relapsed then arguments lies denial false promised now when I comfort him he say it nothing to do wiz me he does hurt me when he doing drugs.now that my bad is bedridden am at my dad place ,still he never happy everytime he put me down emotionally n mentally am drain he take out his frustration on me.I look after my dad my daughter school shopping cooking he just look after the business when he home am stress I just down know how his mood will be.he want everything to be perfect when he is not always verbally abused me n my family. it two week he left I found out he took drugs again he say I need to help him but I try so many time but every time same thing happen.I want him to leave me alone but because of the business we r connected .really fed up can’t take it anymore we r building our own house but already told him I won’t move in wiz him n he ask to give him a room upstairs so he can see our daughter.It will be the same routine again.please help i dont have any income no one to help if i go back to work n my dad to look after.he not living wiz me but i wanted my own house i work hard to expand the business n he wont give me the house alone I know I can divorced him n earn half but my daughter will loss all we work so hard tocearn really don’t know way to do

Maria
7:10 pm March 12th, 2017

I tend to minimize everything. People point this out all the time. The state is going to put a restraining order on my husband because I can’t seem to. He spent all his money on crack and he won’t be able to survive on his own. I fear for him. I am the enabler. I know this. I feel like there is a death in the family. I’m going to lose him. But he’s not the person I thought I married. I’ve allowed this for 23 years. I will allow the restraining order to be done by them because it lasts longer. I’m sad I have to give him up. This all happens in 2 days. Then what? I don’t know. I have 4 kids. My husband and I grew up together basically. He’s all I know.

Tenn
1:36 pm March 23rd, 2017

Thank you for this great blog. Its been very helpful. I have neen married for little over a year to my drug addicted husband. I have managed to minimize arguments by simply letting him be. We have a peaceful life however he is controlled by drugs and alcohol. It use to be worse when he was younger. I am though tired of seeing him throw away his life. I feel i am throwing mine away by being married to him. I think about divorcing him all the time. He is afraid that i will leave him. I have suggested we get him help but he is resisting.

Tanya
1:30 am March 25th, 2017

I am so lost. My husband has to smoke pit or drink alcohol otherwise he’s mean and angry. I have no clue how I’m an enabler. I just feel sad and stuck. Sincerely, Tanya

Stephanie
7:28 pm March 29th, 2017

Hi, im Steph and I just need some advice. Me and my fiance have been together for 15yrs & we have a 14yr old daughter. We are both recovering addicts. I have been clean for 14yrs and my fiance has only been clean for about 3yrs. About a month and a half ago, he relapsed so I took our daughter & dog and left for a month and a half. He only used for a week and then stopped but I stayed away for a while. I just recently came back about a week & a half ago and everything was fine for about 4 days and now all a sudden he seems to look high again but I’m so unsure if he’s really getting high. Usually I can tell 100% but this time I’m just not sure. This is the 1st time I ever was unsure. I just can’t trust him because of this last time he relapsed so I’m not sure if he’s still using or if it’s just me. I want to leave again but I don’t have anywhere to go and I don’t make enough money to get my own place. I think I’m going to buy a at home drug test. I just feel like something is not right. If he is still getting high, I don’t want to enable him but I’m not sure if he even is. I’m so sad and upset and so is my daughter. We are a really close family. He is my best friend and my daughter is really close with her father too. Do you have any advice?

scar
7:19 pm April 1st, 2017

I have a friend who has been in a relationship with a meth addict for almost 10 years. she lies to him, steals from him and decieves constantly. she has severe mental illness because of the drug and rarely ever leaves her parents house-where they all live. Her mother is also a severe addict who enables her daughter and literally commits fraud to keep the addiction going. she was almost sent to prison a few years back for a huge scandal she pulled while working for a bank. This woman is very smart and can jump through any hoop to get money and power. she has financially abused her husband of many years and put his mom into debt once for a scam she pulled on her. He has a head injury from his labor job and is a bit slower so she took advantage of that. My friend and her moms husband support the entire family on their paychecks. Neither the mom or my friends girlfriend work and haven’t for over a decade. My friends girlfriend (whom he calls his family and also his fiance) is permanently cracked out- sunken cheeks and skinny as a rail. she has pick marks literally covering her arms and spends hours in the bathtub rocking back and forth mumbling to herself. My friend supports her children from another marriage. I lived with them for a time years ago when I was going through serious health and mental health problems which left me in between jobs. I stayed with them to avoid homelessness and bought food for them. I woke up every morning, cooked her children breakfast, and walked them to school. Finally I called her out on her neglect as she was in her hidey hole either sleeping from a binge or currently on one. she had no control over her bladder and wet the bed frequently. she was hospitalized for respiratory failure at one point and nearly died. she hates him to have any female friends and it took years for her to accept them. These days I think she isn’t in love with him, but keeps him around for the money so she dosen’t care as much when he talks to me. But whenever I’m in town, miraculously she loves him again and suddenly he has to spend time with her. His phone has turned up missing among other items and they have intentionally stolen his money more than once. What’s crazy is that he is sober. He dosen’t do drugs and lives a fairly productive life with working full time. He claims to love her and that they are his family, but I have no doubt in my mind that they would drop him if he was no longer deemed useful. Her mom is EVIL and shepards vulnerable people to do her bidding- she literally reminds me of queen ursula. Meth changes people, often permanently. Just today he told me that he is signing her name onto his bank account for the first time. My guts turned. I freaked out and told him not to do it, but he said that she isn’t going to do anything bad and shes quote “had the ability to ask for money this whole time, now she can just go get it without having to ask me”. Ugh. What’s worse is that he actually sees it as his duty to support her family, and her. I told her today that he is enabling her but he will refuse to admit it. He’s actually a really amazing and talented person and it blows my mind that he dosent go out and find better for himself.

Shannon
6:57 pm April 6th, 2017

Hi. My husband started smoking pot a year ago and it quickly escalated to a $1000-$2000/mo habit. That’s a lot of pot. Additionally, the man I once knew has disappeared, as he is simply a ghost most of the time. The lies, the covering up, the coming clean then lying again – this is on endless repeat. A couple months ago I joined a couple local al-anon groups which have helped me to focus on myself instead of what he is doing or not doing or if he is lying…etc. One thing I was sure of was that I was NOT enabling him. Why? I wasn’t giving him money for pot, I wasn’t driving him to buy it, I wasn’t saying it was ok. But what I’ve come to realize only in the last week is I am emotionally enabling him. This takes the form of things like not telling him when I’m annoyed with how he smells or calling him out on unacceptable behavior because I’m afraid to rock the boat or get into an argument because inevitably, it leads to him lying and me challenging those lies. Or, I’ll avoid having friends over for fear they will smell something (fear they will judge ME!); or worse, I’ll avoid family get togethers because he won’t want to be there (because he won’t be able to smoke) and then I’ll have to answer questions about “where’s my husband?” In each of these examples, I’m taking responsibility for his drug abuse and his emotional reactions. This is making his addiction comfortable and easy because in his mind, if I’m not upset, he’s A-OK.
My confusion is this: in al-anon I am learning to let go and let god, to work on me, etc. I understand and am trying to work on those concepts. Much of that has led to more inner peace for me but that letting go has also given him the idea I’m ok with things. I am not ok with things! I’ve just stopped busting his balls about it.
Also, I don’t believe for one minute that by confronting him he will change. I want to confront him because I don’t want to live with a drug addict anymore – this is no life for me. I have mad respect for women who stick it out for years and decades. Sorry – I don’t want that to be my story in 5 or 10 years. (Note: we do not have kids together, but we do each have kids and all of them are out of the house now.)
How do I know when it’s time? How do I make the move?

Amy
9:15 pm April 8th, 2017

I am so lost. My husband is in active addiction. I thought he was finally being honest with me. Then I found out he put his prescription DOC into my coffee, twice without my knowledge. I’m hurt, heartbroken, and although he says he’s sorry, he’s still downplaying the severity of his actions. I know it’s a result of the drugs. We have 5 children together. I don’t know how to set boundaries. I’ve finally stopped threatening to kick him out just to scare him into quitting but I don’t know how long we are supposed to “hang in there” while he supposedly tries to quit. It’s an awful cycle and I feel so isolated. I’m just at a loss :(

Sharon
6:50 am April 10th, 2017

Hi my name is Sharon my husband of two years does drugs, he’s been doing drugs since he was 26 years old and now he’s 46. I been doing drugs for ten years and I’m 44 now. I’m afraid to be alone but I’m miserable in my marriage because of the drugs.I love my husband I think he loves me. I don’t do drug unless less he does it. he triggers me to do it what can I do I’m afraid to be alone I have no one else please help.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:23 pm April 10th, 2017

L,
What is happening now? I apologize for missing your post. If you do not focus on you and let him go so that he can deal with his own addiction, this cycle will continue. You have to detach from him with love.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:26 pm April 10th, 2017

Shannon, Get ready because if you do decide that you are leaving you will be surprised at just how resourceful and strong you can be. You need support from other people both emotionally and even if it is temporary financially. You can save some money in a secret stash to get yourself going but eventually you will receive child support and will have to find a job that can help support you and your children. But don’t let this stop you, if you make the choice, everything you need will find you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:34 pm April 10th, 2017

Kathy and Danielle,
Why don’t you just leave? Easier said than done right??? I have been in your situation and I do know that part of the problem (not the actual use of drugs) comes from you. You are lacking self-love and self-confidence and the fear is crippling you. It took me 12 years, marriage and a child to realize that my husband was not going to change and I was only helping him use and keep up his facade. If I didn’t go I was only hurting myself and my child.
Danielle, you can absolutely gain custody of his daughter, they won’t leave her with an addict and she is old enough to choose who she wants to live with. Don’t fear that either, he cannot and probably won’t even want to or be in any shape to take care of her. You have to go to court though and prove he is unfit, an addict and that won’t be hard to prove.
But the fear will stop you, don’t let it, feel it and do it anyway. You are worth more than this and deserve a happy life. I wouldn’t say this unless I had been in your shoes. The fear of leaving is so over-exaggerated in our own heads, it is the fear of staying that should be much more prominent.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:57 pm April 10th, 2017

Madeleine,
Can you be more specific? You cannot be arrested because of someone else’s drug use. However, if your kids are exposed to this and you don’t protect them, they can be taken away.

Disgusted, Tired and Alone,
If you keep saying you are stuck, then you will be. If you look for a way out, you will find it. Have you read Hope Street? I had no resources when my con-artist, drug addicted husband left me holding the bag with debt up to my neck and a child but I wanted out and I found a way. There is help, you just have to search for it.

Fruzsina,
By telling his sister you are enabling him because you are getting involved in his addiction. Walk away, work on you and your happiness with your kids, regardless of what he is doing. And then start something for yourself, get support in a group and then focus on the end goal, being financially independent. You can do a lot when you truly want to. I promise you.

Hax,
If you are resourceful enough to run a business, probably running everything yourself because it sounds like he is not helping, then why can’t you be on your own with your child. You have family, you have your intelligence and you obviously can run a business, get out, as fast and as soon as you can because if you don’t this won’t stop.

Maria,
Life or the court has stepped in and is telling you, forcing you to know something else. If he is all you know, I get that, you are just perpetuating the cycle and don’t know a way out. This is your chance to change, to find a new life with your children. He is an addict and their is no relationship to be had with him.

Tenn,
Why do you stay? What are you getting from him that you can’t have on your own? when a spouse is addicted and won’t get help, it is your job to take care of yourself.

Tanya, you can kick and scream about it but as long as you stay with him after you make threats then you are enabling. I was that way, I call it the non-enabling enabler. You don’t cover up his abuse but you don’t leave either.

Stephanie,
PLEASE UNDERSTAND ONE THING, IF SOMETHING DOES NOT FEEL RIGHT, TRUST YOUR GUT! You don’t need a drug test, you know and he knows, he is just using so he will lie and manipulate. He can be your best friend but right now he is not in recovery and you should know what an active addict will do to continue his abuse of drugs. You can walk away you may just need a little time to get your things in order and make a plan. You need to stop confronting him, you know, he knows and deep down he knows that you know!

Scar,
Unfortunately there is not much you can do. He is hell bent on being with her. Although if it were me I would report her to the authorities because of her addiction and what she does to those children. This is a sin. To watch their mother like this. It can be an anonymous call but it should be done. Those kids should not be in that house. As for your friend, you can let him know that you love him but that you cannot watch him do this to himself and that you prefer not to discuss things that have to do with his enabling.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:59 pm April 10th, 2017

Shannon,
You can leave anytime, the only time to make the move is when you are ready and know that when you leave you won’t look back. By not leaving you are enabling him because you don’t want to be with an addict, BUT you are staying with an addict.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:02 pm April 10th, 2017

Amy, He put drugs in your coffee??
You are responsible for 5 children and you have to worry about being drugged or maybe he will drug them next. I am a mother and it was rough but I had to leave because of my child. I think once you tune him and his lies and addiction out, you will be able to understand that this is not a situation you should be in regardless of if he is the father of your children.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:08 pm April 10th, 2017

Sharon,
Please get some help for yourself. You are not just enabling him, you yourself are an addict. You need to get away from him, find a detox and rehab for yourself and then venture out into the world sober. It won’t happen with him or this way.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Dawn
5:30 am April 11th, 2017

My husband is addicted to coke for years like 20 way before I met him. He is beginning to digust me..He has hurt me by ripping my glasses off my head. Not allowing me to talk and having to 2 watch him sleep for days..Im buying a house if he does not come that will be fine.#65andstillusing

Sarah
9:10 pm April 11th, 2017

Due to my health, My boyfriend is our sole income. He is spiraling further and further into addiction. He only works enough to buy crack and alcohol and apparently his dealer has extended him credit. I am terrified. He says he wants to be clean but that there are no agencies that will help him and even if there were we cannot afford for him to not work. Well, he hasn’t paid rent for months. There’s no food in the house. There’s no clean laundry. He doesn’t care. What can I Do? How can he get help while keeping us whole?

Stead
12:58 am April 12th, 2017

5 years of digging him out, supporting him and loving him. A year clean and out of the blue he vanishes without a word, without clothes or money. The phone I gave him…probanly sold. He could be dead. But it’s been 10 days now. I deserve better. I cant live his life for him…his choices are not mine to make or even influence. Yet I miss him. I miss us. I’m worried for him. He deserves better. He doesn’t think so. So I guess I carry on with my life thankful for the good times and pray he will find some self love. But…i chose life…i chose me, even though I feel guilty for that…he made a choice and now so have I.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:50 pm April 12th, 2017

Dawn, Sarah, Stead,
You have to make a decision, continue living this way because that person will not change or make the change yourself. When you decide that you can commit to making a change that is when a whole new world will open up for you. Until that time Everything you do with this person will be contributing to the vicious cycle.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sharon
3:05 am April 13th, 2017

My husband been addicted to drugs for 20 years my question to you can I show him your website can he also read these stories for himself or am I just enabling him. or are these stories just for me, to help me.

Maire
10:23 pm April 13th, 2017

Hi Amanda
I have searched and searched the net for help and I came across your site. It’s only now that I realise I’ve have been enabling my partner with his addiction. I have been with my partner for 7 years and known him as a best friend for over 25 years. He is 51 and I am 44. He has smoked marijuana for the best part of 35 years. I always knew he smoked it, and never seen it as a problem until we got together. I didn’t realise how much he smoked, all day every day. I have begged him to stop, he always promises but never quits. We have a 4 yr old daughter who is the light of our lives! When she was born he promised to stop but it has never happened. We struggle financially and have been since we got together. We have had no money and he still smoked! I have borrowerd money continually over the last 7 years. We have had terrible rows, I am at my wits end and have no one to turn to. It breaks my heart to think I may have to leave him but my daughter and I deserve better. She loves her daddy so much and it hurts me so much when I think of taking her away from him, I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped. Tonight he has again promised to quit, I am going to give him this last chance

Sam
12:21 am April 14th, 2017

Hi I felt inspired by the honesty displayed in your article. I myself have spent years trying to fix my husband and again had the disappointment of finding out he has gambled 16k and has been taking coke. He admitted the gambling but still not the coke even when faced with the evidence. The gambling was another caught out situation then caught out again and so on. My question is about combined addiction – can someone change? Can they do so by treating 1 addiction and no addressing both?

Tina
6:18 am April 16th, 2017

I have been married 10 yrs this yr, and today I told my husband if he was not going to rehab then he had to leave. He has called me several times high out of his mind and it’s killing me inside. My husband also suffers from mental disorders and is not a self reliant person. I fear he will die either way. If I enable him or not, and it has been incredibly hard to say I can’t watch him kill himself. So far I have stuck to my script the only way we can fix this if you go get help. I will not bring you there and baby sit you, you have to do this for you. A few months ago we lost some one to over dose some one who was like a sister. I had really hoped this would be his turning point. I don’t use, I barley drink, but he used my sorrow from the loss of my friend (I wasn’t speaking to her because of relapse) to guilt me into enabling him. I guess I’m writing because the guilt how did you cope. Did you fear the worst for him? I do not want to continue this life, I can not continue this life. I feel sick, tired, and I’m over killing myself to support someone who doesn’t seem to care. I just don’t know how to not feel that guilt.

Phyllis
10:05 pm April 16th, 2017

I want out, I’m 49 years old I’m not in love anymore. I’m too old and ashamed to go back home I just feel stuck and ashamed to run home to my parents I can’t face the questons. I just wish I could afford to live on my own.

Arianne
3:29 pm April 20th, 2017

My husband is a cocaine addict and he’s recently been reaching out for help. He’ll be good for a month or 2 then relapse. I work night shift so at times he’ll stay out till 7am. He tells me it’s because he’s out doing Coke but he’ll never admit to anything else. I’ve screamed, argued, cried, begged, and calmly talked to him about how his behavior is affecting our family and it’s always the same promises. He’ll do good for a few weeks then relapse. It’s a viscous cycle. I’ve found out from this site that I am an enabler, I hardly fall through with my threats and there is much responsibility that I am carrying, but i figuired that this is how most of our relationship has been anyways. We recently reached out for help to my parents and they are supportive, but my husband relapsed yesterday and I’m just sad and drained. I need answers, I need guidance. Im scared we are not gonna make it through this and it scares me that I could possibly be dealing with this hurt my whole life with him… you mention setting boundaries but I need more clarification, for example. If he stays out late again he needs to leave the house. How realistic is that? I just feel so helpless, is appreciate any advice.

Maya
9:20 am April 21st, 2017

I am married around 6.5 years, I have came to know recently that my husband is in tabs addiction from 2015. Now, I as I was planning to take a baby, should I stick to my plan or I should wait until he recovered from his addiction.

Maya
9:21 am April 21st, 2017

I am married around 6.5 years, I have came to know recently that my husband is in yaba addiction from 2015. Now, I as I was planning to take a baby, should I stick to my plan or I should wait until he recovered from his addiction.

Jennifer
1:00 am April 22nd, 2017

So my husband and I have known each other for years. We both come from broken alcoholic families. We bonded. Drank together for the first 6 years of being together. I quit and it took several years for him to quit. We have been dry for 10 years. Two years ago my husband’s job sold .. same job different owners. He had been under alot of stress. New expectations. Well he was introduced to meth. He has begun to binge regularly. Not coming home for days. Then showing up. He is the money maker. I am so terrified to leave. I also have problems with my heart and have an anxiety disorder all my life. At this point I don’t have a job. I know that’s my first start. I know the answer is leaving. Everyone just hopes for a happy ending. Does anyone have one of those? Do addicts ever get better? The harsh reality is drugs are everywhere. His hook up was the owner of an Electrician co. So sad. How do people operate daily and be so addicted. My husband goes to work everyday and continues to pay all the bills. But when will that end. He has been late several times. He runs the business. I am naturally a co dependent anyway. I was told by a therapist years ago. Is it little steps on bondaries or just jump?

Mandeep
11:05 am April 27th, 2017

M very frustrated and sad too . can u tell me how I can stop my husband from having drugs. I came to know last week about his addiction but he has no idea that I knew his secret. Is there something available like some tablets that I could put into his meals and whenever he goes to take drug that medicine stop him to take with reaction. Please answer

Hope
3:58 am April 28th, 2017

In 2009 I found my soulmate. He was charming, beautiful and full of a raw energy that matched my own. It wasn’t long before we fully integrated our lives and began our journey together.

Two years went by and he confided his 20 year addiction to prescription drugs to me and his desire to quit. He was sincere and I promised him I would not let him fail. For two years I fought with him and tried to fend off the dealers. Things were getting really rocky and I felt like I was going clinical at this point, so I gave him an ultimatum. Get in a program or I am going to leave. I finally confided in his sister; should I leave I wanted someone in his family to know.

This series of events was what finally got him in a methadone program to curb his appetite and to help him heal. I felt like I got my life back. No more dealers less lies. I was sane again.

I married him in 2013. We bought our house and every stick of furniture in it in 2014. We no longer were lapsing on bills. We got our stuff together and we were so happy. He was working the program at the clinic and by late 2015 he was so close to being completely out of the program. I was so proud of him.

Early 2016 he relapsed. My world was rocked.

I began noticing the signs again; the money, the lies, the mood swings, and even his facial gestures. There was no question, I lost my husband to his addiction again. My friend my soulmate, my husband, my speed freak.

Things were getting out of control again and I demanded for him to sign a release of information at the clinic with my name on it and we started couples counseling.

In counseling I began discovering I can’t help him. I can’t cure him. I can’t control this part of my life and I should accept that. In one of my weaker moments I confided this to his sister and she told his mother everything! I have never seen him break so badly. He is devastated she knows about his weakness his addiction. He believes I had a role in divulging this information to his mother. He holds it over my head as a betrayal. He revoked the release at the clinic and now I can’t track his progress.

I am depressed. I hate my life right now. All I do is sit and stew and the rage and the burning in my chest gets hotter every day. I am angry. I want to give up and give in. He swears I betrayed him and I feel betrayed too because he revoked the release that I had threatened him with divorced over. We are at an stalemate. I asked him if this meant he wanted a divorce he said no.

I know this rage is just fear fueled by codependcey. I am so scared of giving him a divorce ultimatum; I don’t want one. Plus I don’t want to end up in a single mother working 60+ hours at my decent paying job to keep us in the style of living my son and I are used to. I don’t want to loose my dogs or my house. I am out of new ways to look at this. New ways to take care of me to distract me from this madness, grow my inner strength and still nuture my marriage. The only thing I can think of is to read codependent no more again in hopes it will help. I really need a fresh pair of eyes on this.

Jackie
3:22 am April 30th, 2017

I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman, and I have set boundaries for myself when it comes to my husband. I won’t stay if he is using, and I couldn’t forgive myself if I ever pretended nothing was going on. But I always go back. I love him dearly and will do anything I can to help him if he wants it, but I continuously end up feeling betrayed and helpless. He is my everything.. I know how wonderful he is when he’s sober. I know he is not himself when he isn’t. I’ve told him all of this many times and feel like he hears me, but I know it does no good if he doesn’t want to get better on his own. I know his addiction has no cure and this will be a lifelong struggle for him, and for me if I choose to stay with him. I just don’t know what i should do if I have nothing else.

Donna
2:58 am May 2nd, 2017

How do you find the strength to leave when you have pushed everyone away and are completely alone? I have scrolled through the stories, and I live all of this pain and torture. I am so angry with myself for staying. The money, my pride, hopes dreams, all gone. I keep everyone at a distance because I am too ashamed to allow anyone to see what is really happening. I am a professional woman, educated, and responsible for so many people’s livelyhoods, but I feel like a fraud. My husband is an addict, and hid it from me until his habit became too costly to hide. By the time that I woke up and faced reality, years had gone by. I have no children, my parents are gone, no siblings, and only casual professional acquaintances in whom I can not confide. I am overwhelmed, and just need to take control, but how? His habit has consumed everything.

Mikel
8:36 am May 2nd, 2017

Hello,

I read your article and it makes so much sense. I am enabling my partner but I don’t know how to stop. I am, like most people here, writing this reply because I am in a crisis. My partner has been using meth on and off for two years on a regular basis. Right now, he is using on the other room. I hate it that he is and I am so mad beyond belief. Finally, I am starting to hate him more than anything. We got engaged about a year ago. I feel like that was one of the most foolish things I have ever done. We’ve been together for seven years, and I just thought it was the right thing to do but I don’t think it is now. We went to a couple’s therapist and that helped us understand his addiction, but now he feels like he can tell me when he is high on meth and I just feel like I can’t do anything to help him. Tonight I told him that rehab seems like the only option for him, but I am a college student working part time and I have no money to pay for it. Neither does he, nor his family. I like the ideas of going to Al-Anon meetings, maybe they will help me understand more this problem. He says that because I don’t do any drugs that I don’t understand, and frankly, I don’t want to understand. I think I understand enough, but who knows-maybe I am wrong. I love him, but I wish most days of the week that I have never met him. Is that bad? Do other people feel this way? I am really losing my mind here, between my mom and her cancer two year battle, school, work, and him being an addict I am overwhelmed. I would leave him, but I have two cats and the area that I live you really can’t find any place to rent, as it is less than 2% of the rental market. In addition I can’t incur any more expenses, as I just got accepted to the university down the street from my apartment. How can I stop enabling him. I feel used.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:31 pm May 2nd, 2017

Sharon,
This site is for you, it is to help you focus on yourself and get yourself better. Showing it to him will only aggravate him because I am sure you have told him how you felt on many occasions.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:42 pm May 2nd, 2017

Maire,
Have you read Hope Street? If you keep telling him you want him to stop but you stay with him, why would he stop?
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:31 pm May 2nd, 2017

Sam,
I am glad this article inspired you. This is something we should not be ashamed of. However, if you are trying to figure out how to get him in recovery, that is not going to work. He has to want to get help, for all of the issues that make his life unmanageable and difficult for those around him. From my experience, the partner usually wants the person to change more than they do and that is just not the way it works. The ONLY thing you can do is make changes for yourself and create boundaries and if he crosses them, you have to follow through. An addict needs to know that with you there are consequences to his/her actions.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:34 pm May 2nd, 2017

Tina,
You are doing the right thing and handling this the correct way but just because you leave doesn’t mean this all just goes away. You HAVE to work on YOU! You have to get help to support you through this too. Please read Hope Street, it is the only way I can show you that I understand and I know how hard it is but also that there is HOPE.
Don’t give up…on YOU.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:36 pm May 2nd, 2017

Phyllis, This is temporary, all of this will end in time. If you go home to your parents, that will be temporary too until you can afford to be on your own. It is okay to ask for help and to accept it. I was very humbled after I left my addict ex-husband and it was the best thing for me. Please pick up Hope Street if you can, you may need to see there is hope and that this is just a journey to get you to a much better place.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:40 pm May 2nd, 2017

Arianne,
Please pick up my book Hope Street if you can. Right now you are enabling him and setting boundaries means for example that if he does not enter rehab by a certain date that he will have to leave the home and then when he does not, you make him leave. If he has no consequences to his actions why would he ever stop. We want so much for them to get better but the enabling just actually makes it easier for them to use. You take care of everything and when they mess up, nothing changes. I know you are tired, believe me I understand firsthand that is why I wrote Hope Street and have this blog! There is hope that is what I am here to tell you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:42 pm May 2nd, 2017

Maya,
I would recommend allowing him to deal with his recovery and be in a better place before even thinking about bringing a child into this. A child only makes things more difficult for an addict to focus on themselves and their recovery.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:46 pm May 2nd, 2017

Jennifer, You have to do this your own way, the way you are comfortable with or you will just keep going back. You have to find strength and pick yourself up before you can walk away. You are strong but if you don’t believe that and you don’t get the right help (al-anon, therapy, support groups, reading materials, etc.) then how are you going to change. If you don’t change then why would he? I would recommend dealing with your anxiety issues (i have them and deal with them naturally) and getting yourself to a healthy place, finding a source of income and becoming independent, not only would it help you leave but would do wonders for your self-esteem and co-addictive issues. You have to start somewhere, so here is a good place. Glad you came!
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:47 pm May 2nd, 2017

Mandeep, NO, there is nothing you can do to stop his addiction, like secretly giving him drugs to stop his high. That does not sound healthy so I would recommend getting the help for you and setting boundaries that you keep to with him.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:53 pm May 2nd, 2017

Hope,
Codependent no more is a good start, have you read Hope Street? It is my memoir of my life with an addict and I wrote it specifically about loving an addict. I wrote it to let you know you are not alone, I get it and to give you hope. I think you know the answer to your own questions but sometimes it takes another person, a little push and a fresh pair of eyes to get you to open yours wide enough to really see what is in front of you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:56 pm May 2nd, 2017

Jackie and Donna,
You are looking at things one way and I am here to tell you there is another way. You can have a great life, you are not alone but you have to close one door so you can see the other door open right in front of you. I thought the same things, I was going to be alone forever but that was only because I looked at my life through my addict’s situation. I had to stop that way of thinking and start living for me. Easier said than done but that is why I wrote my book, Hope Street, and have this blog here, to help others get their Hope back.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
4:04 pm May 2nd, 2017

Mikel,
You are not stuck, you are only stuck because you are putting obstacles in your way. If you want it bad enough, you will find a way and it will be better. As co-addicts we make excuses to stay because we think leaving is harder, creating real boundaries is more difficult, but it is not. we just want an excuse not to leave deep down. The only way you can help him is by helping yourself. You can’t go to couples counseling and work on a relationship when he is actively using. His addiction comes first and ALWAYS will unless he wants it not to. This will be a lifelong struggle so I recommend reading Hope Street so you really know what you are dealing with.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the deo book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/+8

Serah
5:08 pm May 2nd, 2017

I need to end my relationship it’s destroyed me once and I loss 17kgs cuse I self sabotaged my self an stopped eating for 3 months in self hate an to scared to talk. I went home to Nz came bk 14weeks later thought I was strong enough to fight for him but he’s got worse and says this thatand that but something has to change – the mother is at her whits end and doesn’t have a clue wat to do anymore she’s tried 9 rehabs one on one as well and he will not go let him go surfing overseas but waves not good enough righT now and it’s heart breaking seeing the u killing us!

Please any help in Australia this has to stop

Amanda Andruzzi
6:04 pm May 2nd, 2017

Arianne,

I apologize as I think my comment to you was not posted. I do want to address the fact that if you do not create boundaries that you actually stick to then why does he ever really have to change? It is like when you’re dealing with a child and you tell them not to do something or they will be punished and you don’t punish them and they keep doing that thing over and over again because they know that what you’re saying is just words. Do you know what this point that you can make anybody else change or two for them what they will not do for themselves. As co-addicts we tend to do things for the addict that we don’t even do for ourselves and that is part of the problem. We think our lives would be worse off without them but how much energy and life are they sucking out of us that we wouldn’t be better off focusing the attention on ourselves and other family members.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
6:28 pm May 2nd, 2017

Serah,
No matter where you live drug addiction looks the same. It may be a connection but as the loved one of an addict we can’t let it define our lives, who we are. You do have to let go and let the addict live out their addiction until they decide it is time especially if you have tried everything. The only advice I can give is to work on you, heal, apart from all of this.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

anabel
3:31 am May 3rd, 2017

thank you so much for this. I’m on my path of understanding this on my own and was searching the internet for an assurance that I’m doing the right thing. I always did ask myself why don’t I love myself more to understand what he was doing wasn’t right and just leave but it is guilt and loving him. But thanks for this post. I’m going to save It to keep myself on track of just let him be and focus on me and our daughter.

Lyla
6:43 am May 7th, 2017

I have been with my partner 6 yrs, we have a 4 yr old daughter. He is an alcoholic, drinks beer every single day, between 8-12 at least, he is also on methadone, and takes prescription pain meds, but he takes his entire prescribed monthly amount in less than a week. And he’s not supposed to take pain meds at all with methadone. I decided to split the money so he can see how he spends his, and he is supposed to pay half of bills. He does not pay any of his half though, actually he contributes nothing to the household, and he actually has snuck my debit card and has taken several hundred dollars out of my account in one month, and also “borrowed” cash. I am also paying his doctors fees which he uses to get his pain meds. My question is, since he is clearly unable to pay any bills (and we work together and make the sane amount of money) am I enabling him by continuing to pay all the bills? I feel that I am, but if I don’t, then my daughter won’t have a roof over her head and electricity. I’m very angry about it all, but I don’t see a way out. I can’t kick him out, because he had this home before we got together and the mortgage is in his name.

Lost myself
11:58 am May 8th, 2017

Hello. I have been with my partner for almost 13 years, we met when we were in HS and has fell in love since. When we met , he was already hanging out with an older crowd and was doing meth. I didn’t think much of it bc at that age, I saw it as any other drugs we “experimented with”. Fast forward to when I got pregnant at 22, he was still smoking and dealing. He was on meth the day i gave birth and couldn’t even focus. The happiest day of my life will always be etched with that ugly memory of him being so high in the delivery room. Still, I stayed. He got arrested when our baby was only 3 weeks old which left me to go to work full time while taking care of her with the help of my parents. When he got out of jail with the promise to change, my parents allowed him to stay with us. It was fine for about 2 years and then of course he reloaded. But YET I stayed &I worse, I hid it from my parents knowing they would kick him out. At that point I told myself I didn’t ant to be the one to break our family up. That he’ll getthru this. That he HAS to change and he WILL! When our daughter turned 5, I came home from work late and there he was mad as sh*t that I was late. (I GUESS I SHOULD ALSO MENTION THAT THROUGHOUT THE DRUG USE I HAVE DEALT WITH BEING ACCUSED OF CHEATING ALL THE TIME WHICH I NEVER DID—BUT HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAS BUT YET I TOLD MYSELF IT WAS HIM ITS THE DRUGS). anyway, a fight broke out between us and he had a razor blade and threatened to kill himself. That’s when I said ENOUGH. Kicked him out of the house–told my parents everything and that was it…or so I THOUGHT. It was hard–we lived so close together have mutual friends and the weak person in me was livid when I found out he was dating casually so soon. I tried my best to keep busy with work and everything but I couldn’t stay away. Every night I dealt w my daughter asking why daddy didn’t stay with us anymore… my mind was all messed up! I still let him see his daughter under my supervision and boy, did he fool me. The promises kept coming and yes of course I fell for it. He told me all he needed was his family back and then he’ll stay sober. He PROMISED! I convinced myself that to be happy again I was gonna try to work it out. Bc what kind of mother would I be as well if I didn’t give it a chance right? Well now we are living together in an apartment and it’s been about almost a year of going forward and taking 5 steps back. He’s good then he isnt. And I’m staying bc of a lot of reasons. If I let him leave his will I pay for this apartment? If I let go, do I really deal with the “I told you so” from my parents? Yes I work I work VERY hard but with him helping me pay w rent (WHICH I HAVE TO FORCE OUT OF HIM NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT I ALWAYS HAVE TO GET TO HIS CHECK FIRST BEFORE IT GETD BLOWN ON GOD KNOWS WHAT)—my only option would be to go back home. What if he gets sober and gets with someone else and treats them so good? What would thatdo to me? That would break me so bad. I don’t know what to do. This sounds very very shallow even admitting this but I’m mostly scared to let him go because I’m scared he’ll find someone else. He was my first and only love. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone else. It’s because he is such an amazing man when he’s sober. A great father. But completely opposite when he isn’t. He’s distant, irritable, mean, and he cheats. I guess what I’m saying is–what if? What if the moment I leave again he finds someone else so fast? And loves them the way I longed to be love by him? What if he changes for HER?! Why am I not good enough? At this point, I don’t know if I’m ready to leave I can admit that. I take it in because it tears me up thinking of all these what ifs. How does someone get sober for about 2 weeks or so and then just go back? It’s like dealing w a Dr. Jekyl and mr Hyde personality. Why cant he see that on his own? How dodoes he realize it and just doesn’t care? Or does he really not see how different he is sober and not? It breaks my heart because our daughter loves him to death. And I have never bad mouthed him to her..in fact, I always make excuses for him and always tell her to love daddy and be patient with daddy. But lately, I can see ME losing it. IM irritable and it gives a bad perception to my daughter because in her eyes, I’m mad for nothing. She’s 7 now and isn’t getting any younger. Sooner or later I know she’s gonna realize everything. Will she hate me for staying or leaving her dad? I don’t know what to do here. :(

Amanda Andruzzi
5:31 pm May 8th, 2017

Anabel, Lyla, Lost myself,

Thank you for your comments and I am glad that this article was here to help you in anyway and hopefully resonate with you and what you are going through. I highly recommend reading my book, Hope Street, because I wrote it when I was in the midst of a similar situation, with my ex drug addicted husband and our daughter. It is really important for me not to tell you what to do however, I can give you my experience, educate you on co-addiction, and give you insight as to what you are dealing with. I have use the term Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to describe my ex-husband many times because it was the only way I could describe to people his behavior. Once you are ready to get better yourself and to move on from this, I can be here to help you but until That time, you will keep going in circles with this person until you break the cycle. That’s why I wrote Hope Street, to help you understand that I know what you were going through firsthand, and to show you the light at the end of the tunnel.
Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

T
7:18 pm May 8th, 2017

My husband has been on a don’t care attitude with me for a while. It came this year February 2017 that he been smoking crack and weed from his close cousin. I’m still shocked and I still haven’t told him what I know. His behavior is out of control and I been finding knotted up plastic like it was crack in it. I’m so consumed with trying to catch him in the act insteAd of telling him what his cousin shared with me about him. I just want to run and take my children far away from him. I’m mentally exhausted.

Skye
12:51 pm May 9th, 2017

Hi I have moved out from my husband and taken the kids. He blames me and says that I want to be single when no, I want my husband but I don’t want an addicted husband
So what do I do now? Ignore him, talk to him?
It just goes through one ear and out the other

Sheryl
12:29 pm May 12th, 2017

Thank you. I dont think I have a problem with being alone, but I do feel pity for him. But I’m at a point now that I no longer care; I care more about myself.
I wil miss my funny husband, but I’m not helping him if I don’t change. I have to help myself first, create my own sanity.
Does leaving the spouse help the spouse? Cocaine is a selfish drug. And leaving the addict appears to be the same. I guess we’re all responsible for ourselves. We’ve been married for 6months, together for 4years. I think he thought if we married, he had something to live for then convinced me he’ll never go back. He’s been trying to stop on his own, but that last for a few weeks at a time, then he binges for a few days. I don’t want to be that person who to allow 5, 10 or plus years go by as the enabler, full of stress and sadness.

Annie
8:46 am May 13th, 2017

Thank you for this wonderful article.

My partner has been on and off heroin, in rehab before I met him and was clean almost 4 years just before he met me.
He had just started smoking heroin again weeks before we met in January 2016. He told me used to use heroin but was clean now. In July he moved in with me & didnt tell me because he thought moving in with me & my children would stupidly give him the responsibility and desire to change. It didn’t!!

In September 2016 he told me he’d relapsed but played down how serious it was and I believed him. He then got help and support from a drug worker and was on subutex but by Xmas 2016 had stopped taking them and relapsed again!!

I didn’t find out until February 2017 at which point I kicked him out devastated thinking he’d never change.

He’s proving to me that he is taking it seriously this time. He says he’s got a different mindset & attitude to getting clean and his voice and honesty are convincing me so far. I’m meeting his councillor with him in a couple days as he wants me there to hear everything & ask any questions I have. He’s being much more loving & is really trying with all he has to save our relationship.

What’s it like to be on subutex? Can a person still live a functioning normal life & relationship? What’s it like as the addict comes of it? Is home detox a good idea or just so painful it causes relapse?

Any honest thoughts anyone has even if they sound harsh I would really really appreciate.

Thanks for reading all this
Annie

Diane
4:01 am May 14th, 2017

He has been smoking meth for 4 years. I just gave him the choice of rehab or I was calling the cops, when he said “go ahead call the cops” I did. he left before they got here. Then came back, then on the advice from his lawyer checked himself into rehab for 3 days to detox. Today he checked himself out and I don’t know where he is. What are my enabling behaviors? He is most likely facing charges but we havent heard anything yet from the sheriff or police.

Tanya
3:02 pm May 18th, 2017

Hi, I have just read your article on how to stop enabling and wow. I have being enabling my partner without even knowing it. What an eye opener.
My partner is an ice addict, I have been trying to help him. So I thought I was but I’ve have been enabling to continue using ice.
Just a week ago there was an incident where I jas to involve police and get a restraining order on him. So since then there has been no contact but now I see that as a good thing cause Iam no longer enabling him.

Mary
4:45 am May 19th, 2017

Hello what a great blog. My husband had back surgery 6years ago. He was given pain killers. He has a very physical job and could not do it without the pain killers. I accepted it till the day I found out he was having an affair. It lasted 3 months and if this woman husband didn’t call me to tell me he probably would still be with her. I at that point 3 years ago that not only was he an addict but cared only about the drug and not his family. I have been putting up with it for 3 long years because of my children but can’t take it anymore. Help

Kathy
8:37 pm May 19th, 2017

My 38 year old stepson is addicted to pot and gambling. My husband and I have watched him cycle through losing all his money on a bet, getting evicted, depressed & then saying everyone would be better off if he were dead over & over again. My husband feels sorry for him and tries to fix (or enable) things. Tony has a job during the football season picking up and dropping off the “cards” to the bars who participate. Last year he took all the winnings and gambled them away. My husband loaned him the money to pay it back allowing him to still be able to have this job this past year. When Tony has a crisis his dad, Bob, makes deals with him like, I will pay this month’s rent if you go see a counselor. His dad asks a friend he knows to be Tony’s counselor. Tony goes one time and says he is going to go again and then never does. Bob has done the same thing with Tony going to a AA group. Tony goes and gets what his Dad said he would give him and never goes again. His dad asked a friend of his to give Tony a job. Tony went to apply and when they asked for a drug screen he just got up and left. Tony was evicted again a few months ago and is living in a one room shop where he makes tee-shirts. He has access to a toilet but no shower. He posts on Facebook: Will trade tee-shirts for food (I believe for his Dad to see and feel sorry for him) and his Dad tries to have Tony over at least once a week to feed him good food and send left overs. I’ve said nothing to that but knew inside my heart my husband is back to enabling. But now his son wants to shower over here. I said I was not comfortable with that and needed to draw a line or boundary or limit on him being over at our house and in meeting Tony’s basic needs. In fact, providing a shower for him just makes it easier for him to stay in the situation he is in. My husband just felt he couldn’t tell Tony that and it would hurt him too much. So I did. I was to the point but not mean. I said I was not comfortable with him showering here. I liked that our 3 grown children were out on their own and enjoyed the freedom and privacy of this stage of my life. I told him it is not my job to provide you showers and that was a basic need he needed to fulfill. I said i felt it would be enabling him. I told him he has made choices that have brought consequences that I don’t feel like fixing for him. That was his job. I then ended with “Please find somewhere else to shower. Planet Fitness is only $10 a month.” I received a text back, “Please don’t text me again. We have nothing to talk about.” I told him that was a deal. He stays away from my house and i will not bother him at his.” (I didn’t say stay away from your dad.) Well, the next night he sent a copy of my text to my 28 year old daughter in California and added, “I feel like everybody would be better off without me.” She contacted my other daughter (25) in town to check on him. Molly called and texted him by phone. No answer. She went to his shop and his car was there. She pounded on the door and called his name over and over again. She called her Dad (my husband) in tears not knowing what to do. He called and texted and then went over there. Bob went and found the manager of the building and they had someone come from another town with a master key to get into Tony’s room. Bob and Molly (and I at home) were all waiting and hoping he was alive. My husband said, “I didn’t know what I was going to see when they opened the door and it was dark and we could see his body laying there.” He hadn’t attempted suicide. My husband cried and stayed for 3 hours and then came home and made sure he told me that Tony said my text to him was what put him over the edge. I’m just going to say it. I think Tony is a huge manipulator. I try to set a boundary and say no about something and he tries to turn my husband and daughters against me by making it look like I am cold and cruel and drove him to want to kill himself. If you knew me, I am very compassionate and kind overall but I am very guarded toward Tony and careful because I can’t trust him. If you are “too nice” he will try to get all he can from you. Anyway, my husband wants him to set up a counseling session with the same counselor. I say he needs inpatient treatment and had asked Bob to do a Christian Family Intervention but he did not even respond to my suggestion. That means no. Now the daughter in California is upset with me. My husband was upset with me and my daughter here in town and I aren’t talking. We’re not talking about it or fighting but I she doesn’t know how to say no either because would never want someone to think she was mean. She has loaned him her car, money, let him shower at her apartment, picked up tee-shirts for him, etc. Neither my husband nor daughter are well-versed in enabling. I have a Master’s Degree in Family Counseling (but never sought a job in it) and took classes in drug and alcohol use and abuse. I’ve had it. Now I’m not just against him showering here, I’m against him being in my house at all. I don’t even want to see him. (There are many more issues with the mother of his child. He picks his 14 year old son up and asks him to go get him a bottle of water, or left-overs, or tissue paper from his Mom’s house. She put a stop to it and he says he hates her for it because she denied him water. And he is not paying his child support. Says he needs every penny yet heard him talking to his gambling buddy about his most recent bet!) It’s just crazy. My husband tells me I don’t love Tony. I’ve had it! I think about how I could get away from all of this. I’ve asked my husband to get help for enabling. He didn’t like me suggesting that. It’s like if I said it then he didn’t want to do it. Now what. When you take a stand Tony tries to turn your world upside down and nobody seems to have the backbone to stand up against him but me. Nobody seems to see how sick and wrong this all is. Sorry this is so long but it seemed like you were willing to take the time to read and answer. Do I have to leave my husband to get away from all this?

PJ
6:20 pm May 22nd, 2017

I know I have been a enabler.
I husband been using for the last 14 years

He just lost his job .we have a house I don’t want to move out of my house .
I do things like bring him food .smokes he says nothing to me it is hard .but I don’t want to live like this any more. He says he is sorry .i don’t feel married any more.
He just a car .he was in treatmentJan

Christina
11:39 pm May 22nd, 2017

Hello, thank you for posting this. I’m reading through the comments, etc and I know I’m not alone in my situation. I’m on my second marriage, blending 5 kids (now 24, 19, 16, 14, 10) today’s actually our 7th wedding anniversary and I’m struggling with a mind/heart battle. My husband was a recovering addict when we got together, clean for about 3-4 years.. we married, bought a house and are raising our family the best we can. I started to feel like he was using again about 3.5 years ago, of course he lied and manipulated me into thinking I was the crazy one. Last sept, the proof fell out of his pocket. Since then, the devil has been let loose. He is a completely different man.. and I don’t recognize him anymore. I know that I need to get out of this situation, but have excuses as to why I cant. (Don’t want to break up the kids, can’t afford to live on my own, our house isn’t ready to sell, etc.. etc..all the way down to the fact that I have 2 pit bull dogs, that I’ll most likely have to get rid of (which breaks my heart) but trust is gone. Things he says or does is unattractive. He has “friendships” with women and give them time that he should be giving the kids and i. I know our marriage is non existant. I know our friendship is lost. We have rarely gone 24 hours without an argument of some kind. In all honesty it’s just so difficult to take the plunge. To take action. (By the way, I’ve been down this road before. My ex husband is a meth/heroine addict and is currently in prison-father of my 2 children) I know the routine, I know the outcome, I know I’ll be ok… but it’s very tough to stick with a decision. I appreciate knowing that you are in support of women that have or are going through things you’ve seen yourself. Thank you for that. I’m going to check out your book as well. Best regards.

Jacqueline
2:27 am May 23rd, 2017

i need help please my husband is 43 n has been addicted to meth since he was probably late teens early 20’s we have been together for almost 13 years n he has been only clean from meth 3 years of out relationship n then relapsed n was back on it he went to prison for meth in 2010 n got out a year later n went straight back on it n has stopped for as long as maybe 8 mo n now he’s back on it again I continue to stay with him cause I love him with all my heart n think he may finally kick this but hasn’t I have 3 kids he has 1, I have a daughter 23 and 2 sons one 20 n 17 and the boys live with us n we have 4 grand children he has one by his daughter which he doesn’t see because of his continue drug use n my kids are very tired of it as well we all are his mother is a very BIG part of enabling him if he doesn’t come home he goes to his mommas n she babies him n just sweeps it all under the rug I let him have it I tell him how I feel n that we all know he continues to yes meth even though when u ask him he says he’s not but it has took its toll on me n the kids where I cannot deal with him like this anymore but I don’t know where to start I need help

Maria
9:32 am May 24th, 2017

Hi Ive been married for 11 years. My husband had drug adiction problem bfore I met him! When I met him he was not using drugs and I guess I was not well inform about the drug situation n I was complete sold out for his way of be a nice person! So first years he start drink… I had a stroke n things got really bad for 2 or more year… but then with some help he got better! I tought we could have a normal life… long story short about 2-3 years he start again on drugs meth… iam sick n I was not ready to leave him I started put bounderies n I decide leave him! He is involved with bad bad people.. selling drugs and on business of stealing. He has been threatening me n I was afraid to leave him! Next week I am moving to my own place! He is really mad! N I don’t know how to keep him far away from me! I tried. Before leave him… but I was not successful! Iam afraid of him do something to me or my family! Afraid about the. Af guys around him… they hate me bcauz I had to call police many time to keep them away from my house! Police is not helping me! Is a lot going on… my question for you is? How can I get help to myself.. where should I go bcauz iam really hurted n not knowing what to do! I tried cora n many other people to help me! Is not working! They did not have a psicologist to help me! Police can do nothing anymore! Even though they know he is involved in selling n car jacking! Iam having health issues n he even was taking my medicine for pain tô Sell… I had to ask the doctor to prescribe another medicine even though work less so I can handle with my muscle pain. Iam 49 years old n not capable to go try my life in another city. Iam stabilize here with my own business. And iam from Brazil but I cant go back bcauz of the violence there! I am a victma of violence there 2 family members killed… he abuses me a lot emotionally n I don’t want anymore to live like that! I loved him a lot… but there is no more love! Iam tired of feel sorry for him n tried help him… I figure out I was enable him big time. Iam ready to leave all I think all day is to be free n away from him…

SHELLY
6:02 pm May 25th, 2017

I find myself in this situation, when I never in a million years would have pictured myself here. It is so easy to tell myself I KNOW what I should do, and I KNOW I myself need to make changes. I ask myself your listed questions daily, and I just want to slap myself. Why am I allowing him and his choices to have power of me and make me feel so worthless when I know deep down I am a priceless human being. I have been an amazing wife and woman but his selfishness has controlled my life for 5 years. When hes clean and sober a month here or a month there I see the person I fell in love with and it gives me hope. But my fear is…. when do I know when to say Ive had enough? I took my vows seriously, but when is it time to say no more and put myself first? He needs help, so I feel guilty for trying to focus on me, but because of him I need help too. He has made me lose my spark and my will power. I feel like Im at my breaking point with no one to talk to because I dont know anyone who can relate to me or my problem.

Trish
11:03 pm May 25th, 2017

my husband has an addiction to vicodins and when we don’t have them for six months he’s is fine but when he is able to get them he wants me to go and bring him to fill it. I get such a stomachache what’s yor advice

Debbie
4:45 am May 26th, 2017

Smoking marijuana every 4 hours, sleeping, playing video games until 2am everyday. Thats what I’ve been experiencing for the past year and a half. Secrets, lies, manipulation,being blamed for his behavior etc. I’m at the point and dont think I can make it on my own. Im lonely cause doesn’t communicate with me and we are never intimate cause hes either passed out from the drugs everyday.

Renae
10:20 am May 26th, 2017

This has been very helpful, thank you. Two days ago my new partner (6 months) had a bad car crash after binging on valium. His daughter confided in me that he has had this addiction for 20 years and has taken almost a bottle a day, but most of the time he is so high functioning that he fools everyone around him, including Drs & work collegues, everyone loves him! but those who really know him are hurting, angry, sad, fed up & confused about what makes him do it.

His house and life seem so ‘together’, so clean and tidy, but if you look a little deeper you find some very strange things in his home from his last binge like cups in the oven with old food in them, reading glasses and old pill bottles in the dishwasher, and practucally every drawer, bag, box has old empty pill boxes/bottles (codeine, valium & endone).

I’m now aware of this addiction and how destructive it is, I’m aware of how I have been manipulated by him at times. Two of his past girlfriends tried to contact me to warn me but because one of them would like to get back together with him I refused to believe her about it all. I don’t believe I have knowingly enabled him in his habbit as yet. We live 3 hours drive apart so that is helpful in some ways for me, but it allows him to binge after work with no one knowing the truth..

He is so desperate for attention, sometimes like a black hole! One evening we had a 10 hour phone call, I was exhausted! He has no boundaries. I have some weak ones, but I’m aware I need some guidence with boundaries here.

I don’t want to give up on our relationship but I’m beginning to understand that really it isn’t a true relationship because he isn’t just the nice man I fell in love with at the start, he is also equally a very destructive person who refuses to see how his constant lies and dangerous binging is hurting everyone around him. He lies about things he doesn’t need to. Tied to the shame he fells, he lies to make himself sound more, better, bigger, richer than he is.

Given that we are three hours apart and that his daughter (age 22), parents and siblings are all completly fed up and exhausted do you have any advice becides run?

Arlys
1:54 pm May 30th, 2017

We have an adult married son, who was an addict, using Marijuana as his drug choice. He was in treatment years ago and had been well for a time. Started using alcohol and this seemed to slip back into pot. According to his wife he has been using again, but this time he is going back and forth from alcohol to pot and now meth. He says he isn’t using but we have been down that road before. His wife is a typical enabler, telling him he needs to stop or she will leave. But she is there when he comes home from work every day. I have encouraged her to go to AlAnon. She says she was going to go and told him so. He said, “why are you going I have stopped using”. So she says she doesn’t dare go because he will get angry with her. She seems to feel that my husband and I can tell him to quit using and he will. I wish it was that easy. My husband warned him about the dangers of using meth and told him he needs to be aware of the lawful conseguences if he was ever picked up while driving. And told him we wouldn’t be able to bail him out if he did get into trouble. We have reached out to both of them, took them out to lunch and things seemed to be fine. Not living in the same house as they do I don’t know about anything that goes on in it. I know they both need to get help at this point. I have told them if they need any mental or physical support we will be there for them. But as I see it the wife needs to take the first hard step.

Geena
9:54 pm May 30th, 2017

I’m 8 months pregnant and have never felt more lost than I do now. I would say my partner but we haven’t been together for a while we don’t live together or connect like we used too. When I met him he was on drugs I didn’t realize how big the problem was at the time though. I did take them occasionally but now that I’m pregnant I have completely cut them out and obviously expected him to do the same but he hasn’t. He’s addicted to Valium and on Mother’s Day I found out he was on heroin. He has since stopped heroin but Is back on Valium now. He’s saying I’m paranoid and it’s all in my head that’s I think he’s taking them but he lies all the time about taking them and then a few days later admits he has. Ive felt bad for him because I want him to have a life with his daughter but I can’t see any way he can be now because literally every week we are going over the same argument and nothing’s changing. His mum knows all about it aswell and he’s living with her but she just ignores the problem and acts like there isn’t one. I’ve spoken to her about this but she just says aww he will be a good father but I don’t want him any where near my daughter because he can’t stop taking drugs. I feel guilty for stopping him from seeing her because I don’t want him to not be part of her life but I don’t see how I’ve got a choice now because he’s pushed me to doing this all he does is lie I don’t trust him anymore. I really don’t know what to do. I think I should tell the midwife about his drug taking and go from there? This article makes so much sense to me I had a feeling I was part of the problem. Now I realize I need to put my foot down and do something about it so thank you so much

Anon
12:13 pm June 1st, 2017

Don’t forget the rx’s given by the states now permitting legal marijuana usage. My husband has one and its tearing our family apart. For three years now his “medicine” has been draining our savings but he suddenly NEEDS it and of course is so pleased and has become a legalization advocate. Legalization of marijuana is ruining my life. It gave my addict a legal excuse to reactivate his addiction to drugs. He had almost 30 years of sobriety prior to states legalizing marijuana for recreational and medical usage. It makes me feel sick inside. I know he’s just sick with addiction but its overwhelming that my state co-signs his addiction. I feel shut out by our government and everyone around me. I feel like no one really understood what was at stake; they couldn’t really understand it unless they lived with an addict….and they still don’t unless they live with an addict. It is HELL.

Marina
5:38 am June 7th, 2017

My name is marina. My husband is addicted to that synthetic marijuana. It has consumed his life time and time again. Every time he gets sober he begs me to take him back and I do knowing that nothing has changed and its just a matter of time before he goes back to it. I have no other help other than him. He watches the kids as I work because without him doing this I would have no one to watch my kids. When he goes on his binges I dread that call from county jail saying he’s there so I pick him up from wherever he is at and bring him home so we can avoid that situation. I am tired. I have doing this for almost 6 years. I’m only 26 but I am mentally emotionally and physically tired. I want to leave him but I know he will never let me be happy. If I let him go out and do his thing and get locked up again then Im screwed out of a job because I have no one to watch my kids. I need to get out of this. Please any advice would be helpful.

Bobbi
10:20 pm June 8th, 2017

This year will be 15 years of myself and my children living with my husbands addiction. I have given him chance after chance and watches him continue to go back to his addictions. I have recently asked him to leave the house because of his addiction. Now he is telling me I don’t love him because I won’t stick with him in his hour of need. I know that I love him but I don’t want to anymore, I’m tired of being hurt. How can I do this with love? Is there any way to make the changes without making him feel like I don’t love him?

april
11:58 pm June 10th, 2017

I have been married almost 4 years to an addict I knew he had problems with drugs when we met and has gotten better as time goes He will go thru cycles of getting completely sobor then go back to doing something here or there He has never put us in a financial problem and doesnt do it in front of the kids but it bothers me He will do great for a little while This last time he was completely sobor and got a kidney stone He had never been in so much pain before then dr perscribed loritabs of which I asked him if it would be a problem he said he was in pain the next day he passed the stone and was feeling better but continued to take them I asked that he thro them away he didnt so i flushed them. He didnt confront me until the next day and accused me of being controlling and wanting to argue then told me it didnt bother me at work while he was taking them of which it did He told me he was just having fun it wasnt a big deal and hasnt spoke directly to me all day. He is a great father but when it comes to me he is bad about showing affection he makes smart remarks about comments I make about loving him I dont know what to do I love him and am a christian woman I have supported him and invited him to church I have never made him feel bad about doing anything I have tried to support him in recovery I dont feel loved

Shania
9:05 am June 11th, 2017

I’m 17 and my partner is a lot older then me. We been together for almost 2 years. When we first got together he had nothing and was basically living on the streets with no money. I couldn’t see him on the street as I started to fall for him. I got myself the money I needed and got us a flat together and then he got him self a job we were doing fine till couple of months later. He met this women at work who took drugs and he started taking it. He was taking it all the time spending all of his wages and left us with no money. He promises me he won’t take drugs anymore but if he goes out with work mates he tells me and swears to me that he won’t do drugs but he does end up taking drugs and trys and hides of from me. The worst thing about it all is when he lies and betrays my trust that really hurts but he still Carry’s on taking drugs. I love him and I can’t see myself with out him but the way he treats me is so disrespectful. When he takes drugs he becomes violent and ends up going mental. He hurt me serval times as he gets angry and nasty on alcohol. He has an addiction to alcohol he has to drink every day. I feel like what am I doing wrong I gave him back his life. Iv payed for our new home and all the furniture I always pay for food shopping and other things we need but all he spends his money on is alcohol and drugs. He goes to work all week and then leaves me on my own all weekend and stay out all weekend. I feel like what’s the point in this relationship but I love him and I can’t help that and I don’t have the courage to leave him. I really don’t know how I’m coping with all of this at my age. Iv lost weight and my hair falls out due to him causing me stress all the time. He dosnt allow me to see my mates and haven’t seen them for a year. He says I control him but if I was controlling him then he wouldn’t be out all weekend. I really don’t know what to do I hate being a alone and I love him. Everyone says to leave him but its not that easy. Someone please help me and give some advice please

Mina
1:50 am June 12th, 2017

My husband has been taking crack cocaine for most of our married life 25 years approx he pays for his own habit as he works but I can no longer be with him as it is embarrassing an my children even though they are grown up are effected by his behaviour . I want him to move out of our family home but he won’t leave an I can’t kick him out because his name is on the tendency please can you help

Mel
3:47 am June 12th, 2017

I didn’t marry my addict boyfriend. But I love him. I did the right thing by kicking him out because I have a teenage son. But why can’t I get angry? Why do I love a crackhead?? No one understands. My life has been consumed with making sure he’s clean. I get anxiety going to the grocery store even though he’s not here anymore. Do support groups help?

karen
6:01 am June 13th, 2017

My husband has been lying to me about his drug use for years and we have babies. I have caught him stoned when he is caring for our children and has driven drunk so many times it makes me sick to think what he could do. I try so hard to get him to stop, but every time I think I am successful I find out he is hiding things form me–he tells me it is all my fault–he is verbally abusive and has a family history of drug abuse. He is a good father otherwise and I do not know what to do–but I can not do this alone anymore. He is very mean to me–he lieske all the time to me–its li he is acting…

Debra
5:18 pm June 17th, 2017

My husband is fifty years old.13 years ago we lost everything because of his meth use. He cleaned himself up for several years now we are right back to where we were all those years ago. He’s angry violent mean pariniod I spent the last four days confronting him and have been reduced to a shell of the woman I thought I was. I can’t go down this nightmare again I feel completely alone and no one to turn to. He’s isolated us to the point that I can’t even spend time with my grandson without him making it an issue. I need help for myself before I just completely loose myself.

Cheri
9:31 pm June 18th, 2017

I’m having a very hard time with the enabling and caring about myself…I go without, food included so he has his beer and cigarettes…I drove to work worryong if the gas that I have in my car is going to get me there…he manipulates me to get what he wants…I know I’m very co dependent but it’s only because I’m scared of what will happen when he doesn’t get his way. I appreciate you reading this.

Jenny
1:22 pm June 25th, 2017

I have been with my boyfriend 20 years. When he was 27 he got addicted to oxycotton for 2 years. He finally went to a doctor on his own and I helped him make it threw the withdrawal which was very hard. He was there for me threw my seizure disorder for 2 years and then brain surgery which left him caring for me like a child until I recovered 6 months later. He was strong support. We have a strong relationship but I thought he was acting different with no attraction to me(kissing and sex) because of my surgery he’s very routine and we had stopped kissing because my mouth lost muscle making me incapable of kissing him romantically, I was too insecure. I just found out he has been on suboxone for 2 years. I am 43 now and want a life with him(marriage and children)I am not sure he wants that also. He won`t talk to me about it. I have no friends to go to just family. I don`t know where to start without him. What can I do and what is the right answer? He is not family oriented very private counseling and meetings will not happen. When I told him I knew he told me it was none of my business and I have no right to judge him I can fuck off and everyone else in the world. I never was judging him and told him that. There is too much history to go through everything. Please give me advice as to what to do where to make friends and actions i should take. We have 4 ferrets like my children I don`t know know what to do with them if I leave. I doubt I can find a roommate okay with me letting them run around the house. I don’t know if he could either he does love them and tskes care of them to. They are given run of the house for an hour a night without that their lives will change it’s a double edged sword, leaving isn’t easy as it sounds,

Sarah
2:06 am June 26th, 2017

I have been married 15 years to my drug addict husband. I have been in counseling a couple times, but I still fall short of getting him out of my house. I pray every night for the strength to have him removed from my home. I don’t even care about material possessions anymore. I feel at peace when he is not around, so I can only imagine if he wasn’t in my life at all.
Would you suggest a counselor that deals with addiction to help me? I feel like I have lost my identity. I do not have any friends or family in my area to offer support and only one friend knows what I am going through. Any encouragement is appreciated. Thank you for listening and caring.

Dee
6:35 am June 26th, 2017

My story is a bit more complex, but I desperately need advice, and advice from a biblical perspective please. I am married, have 3 children from a previous relationship and am disabled, and on medication for chronic pain which is my husbands addiction. I became suddenly paralyzed 2 years ago, had to stop working as a result, as well as send my kids (now ages 10,12 & 14) To live with their dad. My husband has been in and out of work for years, even to the extent of me having to work intermittently to financially help, causing further irreparable damage to my spine. I literally suffer pain physically and emotionally daily, which is very obvious to my husband. When I was healthy, I often was the one working and paying everything although he was capable but just lazy, but now that I’m physically unable to bring in income, he rarely holds a job, and when he is working he throws it in my face. He has been taking my pain medication, stealing it, and often asks that I allow him to sell it to compensate for “my expenses” since I’m not bringing in money. We recently got saved, he as well seemed to be all in, but would instantly get caught red handed going in my purse to steal from me. I’m talking about every chance he gets… even if I’m driving he’ll sneakily open my purse by reaching his hand to the backseat. He’s broken down and admitted of his addiction, but does not stop lying, stealing or actively trying to change. My issue is twofold, he is continuing in this behavior with no sincere attempt to get a job with health benefits. That’s another thing; I am paying all my medical care out of pocket and he isn’t stepping up to the plate, either with looking for a job that has benefits and keeping it, or taking steps to help our marriage financially and addiction wise. The other issue is that I need to have a home for my children which is safe, free of constant arguing and based on a healthy foundation, and this can’t happen under these circumstances, much less the fact that we have literally no money ever anymore. Am I wrong for expecting him to pick up the slack while I’m gravely ill, stepping up as the husband and father to rectify these problems, and bring our family back together? I’ve taken him to get saved, pray for and with him, have always been supportive during all of this; not putting him down or making him feel inadequate. And now that I’m walking in Christ, he seems uninterested in building his own relationship or applying the principles to our lives/marriage. He loves me truly, is a great step father and active in the kids lives, but he is not taking any progressive steps to change our circumstances, marriage or himself. My kids always ask me when I’ll finally have my own home again, why I don’t ever have money or improvement, while people our age are buying houses and planning for their future. We have absolutely nothing! I don’t want to get a divorce. Please help!

Tessa
7:08 am June 28th, 2017

I met my husband 5 years ago, we got married and have a beautiful daughter. When I was pregnant I was noticing he wasn’t looking the same… super pale, skinny, dark circles under his eyes, and always passing out on the couch because he took too many of whatever he could get, a few times falling asleep while standing up. I felt alone, especially with just having a newborn baby. I was so confused why he was changing because at the time I knew nothing about him being addicted to anything. I then realized what was going on, and I also realized his family… (my father in law , brother in law, and sister in law) were all providing him what he wanted because they also are into it. I separated from my husband for 5 months, we got back together because he looked like he was doing a lot better… we agreed on stuff like peeing on a stick twice a week, keeping track of his money, stuff like that. But I’ve been lied to a million times after that. I feel so betrayed by his family and him. They all lie and encourage him to lie to me about the pills because they don’t want me knowing that they gave him anything. I’ve forgiven them, tried moving past it all, only to get stabbed by them again and again. I’ve burned bridges with so many people because of my husband, calling them and making sure they stay far away from him or I’ll get the cops involved (mostly just trying to scare them.) i felt like that was me trying to help him. I feel like I have to baby sit him. He has such a good heart deep down, but drugs have taken over. He’s a lot better then what he use to be, and looks a lot better, but I know he still does it, and he lies to my face. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried to him and begged him. I love him so much, but I feel like this isn’t healthy for my daughter and I anymore. I have my happy moments with him but I feel alone at the same time. I’m always examining him when he gets home from work making sure he didn’t take anything. No one understands what I’m going through. There’s so much more that has happened, but you got the short story that explains a lot.

Sel
5:25 am July 2nd, 2017

So I came across this as I decided to google how to deal with a husband who’s on drugs…funny because as I was reading this I literally felt like I was reading something out of my life…I’ve been married for 7 1/2 years and I have 3 kids…I have been dealing with my husband and is drugs from day one…he stopped went back and touched worse then stopped then went back and I think hit rock bottom…he has been outta my life for 2 months now he will call here n there asking to speak to the kids but he doesn’t admit he has a problem nor does he even care to ask how we are doing…I feel like a huge boulder has been lifted off of me even tho he left me and the kids one day with absolutely nothing btw…but thank god I have a very supportive family and once day wen I’m back on my own two feet without him I will know I made the right decision…as of now I’m scared shitless but I know I’m not alone someone out there knows wat I’m going thru!

Debbie
7:17 pm July 3rd, 2017

My hubby accidentally overdosed on meth a month ago..we been going through financial problems which pushed us apart.. I wasn’t very nice to him..so he told me he felt I disappointed him..so he started using Feb he’d disappear for 2-3 days each month till May which he died..I can’t handle the guilt I feel for treating him so cold distant..I blame myself it’s unbareable pain.. after he died I found out he had a double life on Craigslist personals…having sex with strangers & groups of people..I’m so devastated.. I feel like I failed him

Lily
9:27 pm July 4th, 2017

Hello, Yes my husband has a drinking problem & it has been in his family for generations but he kept it a secret from me till after we were married. I only met his parents & family twice before we got married I thought that was odd but he came up with some pretty good reasons plus we got married very young at least I was so I was pretty nieve he was 3 years older than I was. Never the less when I found out being so in love with him he was such a caring good man I would not have married him told me about his family & said he never would want to be like them & I beleived him.Well now if I say any thing the fight is on so I never bring it up I use to when he first started but it has been now around close to 20 years . I have learnt to just stay quiet & on my own doing what I like which is gardening . He complains alot about any thing & every thing & I just ignore it I find it better.I don’t know if I am don’t the right thing I just know that fighting back at him just makes it worse so yes I am lonely but it is better than being yelled at & put down all the time , Verbal abuse is very hurtful & I have a temper where I can say some hurtful things & I do not want to do that,Please respond back to me with any advice if you feel that what I am doing is not right cause I don’t cater to him Yes I am sad I cry but I do alot of praying which helps me personally.Thank-you for rerading my note & hope to hearfrom you & if you have any ideas for me I would appreciate them . I am open minded. Sincerely Lily.

Melissa
1:13 am July 7th, 2017

I have done the hard part I’d thought and made my pill addicted hisband leave, he only cones over to stay with my 13, 10 year old so they aren’t in house alone at night, as my daughter is old enough to sit but I don’t like them being alone. Anyway as he cone to watch them he also showers eats and does his laundry here but there is no change in his going to detox as he says he will. I an struggeling to decide if I should completely cut him off my home as he lives j n a camper at his uncles property I feel as his wife if I should let him do laundry eat and such here as he does not help me financially only grabs sone grocery items on occasion. Its been 10 months since I discovered the addiction and I don’t know what to do feon here. Please help I’m ready to do what’s neccessary

Heather
3:35 am July 8th, 2017

I have been with a heroin addict for only a month and a half. How do I help him… Let him go.. ?? I spend 60 to 100 a day and lost my job. I have kids and a home to pay for. I am now late on rent and I can’t abandon him. Yes my kids are fed and taken care of. He doesn’t use around them. He is mean to me after he gets it or the money most of the time. It’s so early in this relationship. I just wanted to help him. Help me.. advice!!!

Carmen
12:38 am July 9th, 2017

My husband relapse after 16 years clean, I took his cellular because I was paying for it. I’m going to take his car out of my insurance. I’m also going for a legal separation. He call for treatment recently but is doing drugs again. I want to confront him, and kick him out of the house, he is not eating and he is diabetic lost 30 pounds..

AMANDA
11:24 pm July 11th, 2017

I am a struggling mother of two girls who recently discovered that my husband of 8 years has an addiction to cocaine and alcohol. I found out in the worst way right after the birth of our second daughter, when I came home from the hospital to a very unstable and abusive person. The man I loved and planned another child with verbally attacked me when I question him about missing money in our account its like he snapped and didn’t come home from work until about 4am and I put him out the next day. At first I was so angry I just cut him off and tried to focus on taking care of the kids after the first few days of not hearing from him I began to pack up his things. While cleaning out his closet I discovered around 20 beer bottles hidden in his closet. I lost it and began to cry this was the third time in four months I had found massive amounts of alcohol hidden in his truck , under bathroom sink and closets. When confronted he always said I’ve been stressed about the baby coming and working a lot I will quit ,I’m sorry I don’t wanna lose you, then again and now again. Later that week he came by the house to talk. I asked him to help me financially and he couldn’t as expected. He has always had issues keeping money in his pocket but in the past year his whole checks seemed to disappear and I noticed him coming home from work later and later. His excuse was because he had used his money for a hotel room in which I later discovered that was a lie. When he was there he asked me to please come home because he was really sick with a cold and I felt bad and offered him to come home. He left that afternoon to get his things and didn’t come back . the next morning I got a message from a guy online that my husband was hitting on his wife via facebook, it broke my heart. My husband has never even looked at another women in the whole time we have been together. this was just the beginning of the web of lies that was about to unfold. He denied everything of course then when caught he told me he had gotten drunk and was angry at me because I don’t respect him as a man. I then stopped talking to him for a few more weeks. I knew he had told me he was going to stay at a friend’s house so I contacted that friend and in communication with him discovered more lies and began to lose my own sanity chasing him down thinking he was cheating on me. through communicating with his friend I began to suspect the cocaine use because he would disappear, call me at all hours of the night and finally confessed. The morning he confessed I was laying on the couch with my newborn its 330 AM and he called and woke us up. He was crying hysterically and it scared me he told me his friend’s that he had been hanging out with got him hooked on cocaine got in his head and made him lose his family. He began to tell me about all the money he has spent( up to $200 weekly) and all the lies he had told covering his lies which included doing drugs on the job( cocaine,pills,acid and alcohol ), not coming home and lying about home much he was making in which made me responsible for most of the bills while I was pregnant. I was In complete Shock! I had no Idea my loving, caring and affectionate husband could ever do drugs like that or even do that to me or our babies! As we continued to talk He was driving to my house and when he got outside He told me” ‘I’m outside can I come in”? I told him NO and he began to cry harder and harder. He finally agreed to leave if I would give him a bottle of water , So I opened the door and put it outside. He started to leave and then came back and told me that he couldn’t find his wallet and had no gas to get back home and he had not eaten. I felt bad for him and gave him money because I didn’t know anything about drug addiction I helped him to buy drugs and I know because when he left I didn’t hear from him again for days .After that I went through a period of insanity I had a complete nervous break down I even had to have my family stay with me and help me with my kids. He disappeared so I had no money to support us so I had to go to social services pay my bills. His mother would help me buy diapers, wipes and formula which helped but he refused to help me more than a couple hundred dollars he began giving me every week which wasn’t much. I then began to pick myself up and prepare to go back to work from maternity leave to support my girls. I applied for welfare and child support(still pending) and heart broken went back to work. His mother agreed that she would temporary keep our kids while she was out of work for the summer to help me. Once I started focusing and researching about addiction and attempting to self heal is about the time he decided to move home with his mother and get help. His mother hesitantly agreed to let him stay there with conditions to attend AA and help pay for his kids. He started showing up in church with me and going to AA. and after two weeks when I didn’t let him come home he relapsed and started lying and not attending AA and smelling like alcohol again. I felt guilty! I always feel guilty! I’m always the blame for everything. I wasn’t ready to let him come home yet I wanted us to get counselling, Besides I have to protect my girls from the fighting and abuse so I wanted to make sure it wouldn’t happen again if he came back. I guess I made the right decision although it hurt me. Its been three months since he’s been gone Its been still a off and on again battle to get any help from him to support our girls and one lie after another. He found a new job closer to our house and was so excited because it meant more money and a opportunity to get away from his drug habits and bad friends. I wasn’t as excited as he wanted me to be because more money meant more drugs in my mind and like I thought I was right. I just caught him attempting to buy cocaine last weekend. I am so disappointed and hurt! I’ve contacted an attorney and after arguing with his mother who is now enabling him by letting him live there fully knowing he is not clean, coming in and out all times off the night and not requiring him to get help I cant let my kids stay with her. She has now turned against me and made this about me chasing him and he don’t want me, but that’s only because I’m the one who always finds out everything and its an excuse. I have no where to turn! I have begged, threatened, fought and pleaded with him to quit even took the kids away with no luck. At this point I’m slowly trying to move forward as a single parent coping with the fact that I lost my best friend and husband , the person I trusted and the father of my two girls. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I have no idea how to get through this.

Lisa
10:23 am July 13th, 2017

I have been married to a drug addict for 10 years, we have been together for over 12 years. We have 2 beautiful kids, 10 and 2. He has abused me in every way possible. I don’t know what to do. I spend most of my time just trying to appear normal. I just want out. My kids love their father. I don’t want to hurt them. We have been through so much already. I feel so alone.

Losthope
5:02 am July 16th, 2017

I have tried so hard to stop enabling. I’ve held him accountable. He says he’s made drug counseling appointments and his excuse is I didn’t remind him or they didn’t call to remind him. I continue to remind him it is NOT I or the counselor offices responsibility to remind him of his commitment. I’m at a loss. The broken promises and the best is, ” well I’ve made it 32 days now I don’t need a counselor”. Please help me it’s been 20 yrs of this

Truly
10:08 pm July 19th, 2017

My husband has always drank a lot but is not abusive. He has had one affair I know of but suspect others. He has always been secretive about things. We separated after his affair and after six months went to counseling and six months later were back together. That was 1 1/2 years ago we have been back together. I thought he had been acting strange or secretive but couldn’t explain. I don’t question him. I don’t like confrontation and he always turns things around and I become the blame. The other day while we were on vacation he told me he got us cocaine to use for fun. We don’t even smoke pot. After we separated we got separate bank accounts and he gives me money for bills. I’ve notice that seems to be getting less and he seems to have less money. Anyway I told him No to using cocaine and he said well he was going to. We never discussed and I knew he was hiding it and using. I suspect he was before and is still. I don’t know how to approach and honestly as much as I love him I can’t trust him and I think I need to end our marriage. But should I try to save it? I will not stay married to a drug user or a cheater but I can’t trust him to stop.

L.J..
3:35 am July 20th, 2017

Our son is a heroin addict, as is his girlfriend of 8 years. He wants to stop. He has a successful business and an extended family who love him dearly. Though each time he tries to stop, she drags him back down with some made-up drama. Last time he got clean, he told her she had to also, if they were to stay together. She used her trump card…’If you leave me I’ll kill myself’…knowing his only sibling killed himself just after they began dating. We are not ignoring the fact our son is sticking the needles into himself. Or the fact we are grappling with our own element of enabling, for part of us is terrified he’ll also die if we cut off ties. We are having major troubles with how to deal with his girlfriend. She is a highly intelligent young woman, with absolutely no empathy for anyone besides herself. Throughout their relationship she’s managed to isolate him from friends, is controlling his bank account, and is now calling his recent home ‘theirs.’ He apologizes for asking her for petrol money for his work car for heavens sake! While she sits on her backside eating junk food and gossiping on her phone…grrrrr! Where is the line between caring parents & interfering parents? We’re concerned he’s confused love for her with love for the addiction he shares with her. He’s like (is?) an abused spouse…and we don’t know what to do, how to help (and yes, he’s asked for our help…is infact staying here with us now, while she stays in his house) and simply want our son to be happy, heroin free, and to experience the utter joy of being truly loved. At our wits end. Don’t want to enable…unsure where the line is between enabling & abandonment. Need a perspective from outside this horrid reality…please.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:27 am July 21st, 2017

I want all of you to know that tonight I have read each an every one of your stories. I want to help all of you in any way that I can but I have to be honest (which I know I can do here) that I have gone through a very serious issue with my child. She needed major surgery and it did not go well and required another surgery. I have, in turn, not been able to hear your stories as often as I usually do. I am still here though and although I am not able to answer all of you individually as I usually like to do I will respond to all of you here.
You are all more powerful than you realize. You feel weak and defeated but not many people can or have put up with as much as you have and are still here to write about it so don’t forget that. I have also learned through my recent experience with my child that life is precious and that no matter how dark things get, the light will come again. These are all situations that are temporary and can change if you have the strength and the courage to change them. You are not going to be able to change them by changing the addict but you can always change them by working on you and by making changes in your life. Do not be afraid, do not let the fear you feel cripple you but let it be the fire and catalyst in making those changes that will bring you through this situation and out on the other side.
Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Shanta
2:52 am July 22nd, 2017

I am dealing with a spouse with a cocaine addiction and I know I am enabling him by giving him a home to come home to after he gets high. I am trying to hang in there hoping that he will want to get help but that’s not happening. So I am stuck with the thought of asking him to leave our home. What should I do

Kathy
4:13 pm July 22nd, 2017

I got married on Oct 24 2015. We only knew each other for 9 months. He was in a hurry, to purpose, and get Married. He was still married, and he told be he was a recovering COCAINE addict and also said he wasn’t living with his wife. He hid from his kids for 9 months, started seeing them just before we went to Vegas to get married. Anyways he started doing COCAINE again 2 Months after I married him. He hid that from me until after his Brother committed Suicide. His daughter forced him to tell me the truth, because he lied to me when I first ask him if he was drugging again, and he said I only took one hit off the pipe, because I was mad at you. Then his kids told me there Dad was living with there Mother, when he told me he was living with a buddy. He told me do many LIES, I don’t trust him anymore. We rented two houses, and had to move because he lost his Business, and used our Business Monly for his, and his Dead Brothers drugs. I used to tell him that I didn’t understand why him and his Brother had to be together all the time, and id ask if I could go along with them, places and he would scream and hollar at me, and make me feel like it was my fault, that we were arguing. He always told me that he was going to leave me when we fought. When we wounderstand get into an argument, he would leave me for an hour, or so. Then come back. He wanted me to put everything in my name because he doesn’t have good credit. I had good credit, so he had to have a Cadillac Escalade, and had me put it in my name. Along with the lease for our Rental, which we have been Three car payments behind for the last year, and behind on our storage and all of our Bills. We were homeless for 14 months, and had to live with my parents, a friend, and for a while he stayed at his Daughters and I stayed with a friend. I have been through so much with this man, that I don’t know what to do. My Family don’t trust him, or like him, so it alienates me from them, and My two oldest Daughters haven’t talked to me, for 13 months, and won’t let me see my Grandkids. What should I do. We are living in a camp ground, for now. He started his Business again, and it’s not that dependable yet, and still not caught up on our Bills, but he wants me to start looking for a house to rent. I don’t want to, because I’m uncertain that we will be able to pay our BILLS, and pay rent. I don’t TRUST him, and I certainly don’t Live him like I used to. What should I do. PLEASE HELP ME.

Michelle
8:24 pm July 22nd, 2017

What resources do I have to make him leave

Jo-Ann
6:40 am July 23rd, 2017

My husband is a habitual user. He disappear every weekend. i know he doing drugs & came back the next day different. I am from the Philippines. We have 4kids & pregnant. I can’t deal with him anymore. We don’t have both jobs. I so desperate with my life. I can’t think anymore.

Sarah
8:24 am July 23rd, 2017

First of all I just want to say thank you for this blog post. I feel pretty new to this whole enabling addiction thing so it was so crazy how everything you said I could actually relate to. I noticed no one has commented since 2015 so I hope you’re still able to see this.. When I first met and started dating my husband he was only 7 months clean. Obviously that scared the hell out of me b/c I’ve never dealt with anything like that in a relationship. But there was something about him that I immediately fell in love with (as corny as that may sound) so I just knew I had to give him a chance. That turned out to be the best decision of my life. Fast forward to 4 years later and we are married, have our first home and first baby girl. He’s been clean for 4 years now but about 6 months ago I started to see a change in him. He sees an addiction doctor and he started prescribing him Klonopin for anxiety. Now both me and my husband can be pretty socially awkward and get anxiety. We just don’t like being around large crowds or anything like that. So I didn’t think anything of it about him getting this medicine and to be honest, I had never even heard of it until he got it. But once he did, everything changed. He was abusing the pills, taking over 4mg MORE than he was supposed to. He would fall asleep in front of family and friends, be in slow motion, etc. more times that I can count. For a few months I just held everything in and would cover for him by lying to his mom that he was taking it the right way. I knew deep down it was wrong but like I said before, I didn’t know anything about the drug and honestly, he only did it on the weekends so I always just let it slide. But that always led to the same exact arguments over and over again. He was becoming so emotionless. He didn’t care about my feelings or what I was saying. I cry right in front of him about how he makes me feel and all I get is eye rolls or smart comments lashed back at me. Finally I just couldn’t take it anymore. He started acting very resentful towards our daughter which I just couldn’t even fathom how that could be since she is so perfect and by far the best thing to ever happen in our lives. So I ended up telling his mother everything he had been doing and I then wrote his addiction doctor to tell him what this medicine was doing to him. I won’t go into much details there but let’s just say he was/is NOT happy about that. I felt so scared of what he was going to do and although I knew I did the right thing I found myself regretting it b/c I didn’t want to lose him. So I went to his appointment with him and I was the one who suggested to his doctor that he still get them. I knew I was enabling the situation yet I didn’t stop. His doctor lowered his dose to only 15 pills a month now (which I don’t believe he should even have) but I hold onto them now. Today we had a dinner/movie date night and it was the first time since the appointment that he asked for them. I thought we were doing fine without it and thought maybe they can just stay there for emergencies or if he really needs it. So I gave him his pill and he asked to take 3 of them bc he claims “1 does nothing”. I refused to give him 3, however I did give him 2 of them. He didn’t pass out or make a fool of himself but every time I even know he’s on them it just puts me into the worst mood ever and I get very mean. So instead of enjoying our date night and having some alone time afterwards we end up arguing. And as I’m laying in bed next to him while he sleeps- I stumbled upon your post and am starting to finally realize that I am a big anabler. Instead of being a good wife and taking care of him- I fear that it’s only making things way way worse. I really don’t know what to do (or maybe I do but I just need someone to lay it out and tell me). I have NEVER met this side of him since when we first met he was 7 months clean. I’m scared to know if this version of him is the real one or if it’s just addiction, and the man I met 4 years ago is deep down there somewhere. I keep waiting for something to happen or change to make me feel hopeful that he’ll do better. After reading your post, I just know it’s time to put an end to this all.

Sorry for such a long post. I have no one to talk to about any of this (which is another enabler aspect of me) so i thought it would do me good to write a post and since he isn’t seeking help for himself then maybe I’m the one who needs help for me first.

P.S
*Oops I just realized that all the newer comments are at the bottom. I also would like to add that he’s been on suboxone since before I ever met him which i don’t even know much about whether that’s good or not. But I’m also scared as to what will happen if he wasn’t on them since everything has been going on.. He also, of course, doesn’t believe he has an addiction or problem with the klonopin. He truly thinks he “needs” it and that it helps him. I don’t see how that can be if he only took them on the weekends. He saved them up so he could take more at a time yet he claims it’s bc the 2mg does nothing for him. I know that’s due to him building his tolerance up to them. I’ve just never dealt with anything like this before. I constantly catch myself crying or thinking about what all would happen if I left him. What about our daughter? I do not want to lose my husband. I imagine life without him in it everyday and I immediately just get sick to my stomach. He’s the only person I feel truly comfortable with- he knows me inside and out. And I thought I knew him too but I just don’t know what to think or believe anymore. He used to be the sweetest man ever and made me feel so beautiful. Now he does nothing. I tell him how unloved I feel from him and he just gets irritated and aggravated. He claims he loves me but just doesn’t do good with talking about his feelings and emotions. But i know that has to be a lie b/c he USED to be that guy! I understand all relationships lose that “butterfly” stage, especially when you have bills and kids and responsibilities, but I think back to when this all started and it was the time he got this medicine. The one medicine that, to him, actually “works” and makes him feel normal. But in my eyes he just turns into a zombie, and then just angry and miserable and mean throughout the week when he doesn’t take it.

I know I was and still am enabling his addiction and I hate myself for doing that. I’m just so worried that if I stop that he will leave me or worse- resort back to heroin. I couldn’t imagine him ever doing that but if he doesn’t get drugs prescribed to him legally then what will he do if he feels he needs them so badly? I guess that’s how I justify my actions because I feel this way I can at least monitor him.

Margie
7:53 pm July 23rd, 2017

I want to leave my husband because if his drugs abuse but he have a daughter, not our his daughter, iam afraid he will take her from me, so I continue to stay with him which I hate doing so I can stay with his daughter, please give me advice what I should do the daughter is 15 years old

Kinzy
3:08 pm July 25th, 2017

I am 46years old and a mother of 4. My 2nd husband of 8 years is addicted to marijuana. We are separated forseveral years at the beginning of our marriage due to infidelity, but we have since reconciled and have been back under the same roof for over 2years now. We have one 7 year old daughter together. He has been an addict since I met him 12 years ago.Before the girls and I moved back in with him, he played down his addiction and made it sound like it was something he had dealt with. There was nothing further from the truth! In order to create his own space, he, graduatecreated a “man cave” in the garage of our new home. It is now fully functional with music, tv, laptop, and even a/c. To be honest, some nights he stays up ALL night in that garage…on a typical day, he is in there about 6 to 8 hours a day! He works a full time, highly demanding, well-paying job during the day. I’m at my whit’s end because I’m so tired of this and I don’t know what to do! His actions are so clear that the weed takes priority over EVERYTHING and he will defendand feed his habit at all cost! He comes home from work to a hot meal every evening and asks me to put his plate in the microwave because he need to go”unwind” first. Then he does not come out of the garage until about 2 hours later. He eats and the will fall asleep. Sleep for about 2 hours, then go back to his garage…this happens over and over all night. Most of the time it’s just the girls and me doing everything without him. I’m feel like a single mom like before we got back together…only difference is I’m not paying all the bills myself now. There’s SO much more but that’s a quick run down. I’m just not sure what to do at this point.

Momma crab
6:59 pm July 25th, 2017

I married my spouse knowing that he smoked and I never thought it was a big deal – boy I was dumb. He is crabby all the time , my fault he says I am his good mood medicine. He has depression , his smoking starts the minute he gets out of bed and stops when he goes to bed! The latest incident was that my son is in boot camp and he asked he doesn’t bring anything, we have fought for 3 weeks about this. He doesn’t agree! I feel so stupid! But it’s his problem I cannot fix him!!! He has to want to fix him! He’s been smoking since 15 and he is 51 now! I am loosing hope and compassion

amy
11:47 pm July 25th, 2017

I have been with my husband for 14 years..I am an enabler..I have been with him since I was 19. We have 2 children together Ava 11, and Robert 9.. I have been the bread winner all 14 years.. I accept it because he has narcolepsy..I love him..I’m in love with him..but I know I deserve more..he is addicted to heroin..I’m finding needles around the house..we fight all the time became of it… looking back he has been an addict the whole time…I always think he will get better..but it only gets worse…my question is..is the only salutation kicking him out?

Margaret
8:02 am July 29th, 2017

My husband lost his Suboxone script a little over a year ago. He started using and I didn’t know the signs. It was only after he had stolen a week’s pay after Christmas that I realized. He hasn’t worked since he started using. He steals money from me then blames me saying I planned on a fight to make him use. Insanity! He has stolen thousands leaving me buncing checks and ruining my credit. I fear if I let him stay I will eventually lose everything. I’ve tried kicking him out. He won’t leave . I’ve begged pleaded screamed hit threatened. I’ve tried understanding and helping. He is on methadone but still using stealing and lying. We both have children to other people. His daughters mother is a homeless jobless junkie. If I divorce him he will lose his klgirls to a grandparent most likely which is fine for the younger two but not for the oldest. She has been treated like Cinderella since she was old enough to change diapers. Only now getting custody to her father and I in the past 2 years has she been able to be a kid again. She had lived so much in her mere 13 years. I do everything I can for her. I love her as of she was my own and she begs me to adopt her so she will be safe and cared for. (She knows of her father’s use) If I divorce him she would be taken from me and prolly end up with her grandmother. Moved yet again to another unstable household. I am stuck. I don’t know what to do. I can’t adopt her because her biological mother would never give up rights just to be spiteful. ( And she hasn’t seen child in over a year) if I divorce she will be put in another bad situation. If I stay I will eventually lose everything I’ve worked so hard to build for myself and son. D9 I have any options to kick him out legally without filing for divorce?

Dawn
5:09 am July 31st, 2017

My fiancé is a meth user and has been using needles I think since December of last year. He goes back n forth saying he’s been clean. When I know it’s a lie. I feel crazy ALL the time. And blames me for everything. I have left before and he said I made it worse then he said he was clean. I’ve seen him go through DTs. But then notice the same behaviors showing back up. Then found needles again. He said he would go get help but then it’s my fault cuz I don’t set up the appointments. I know what I should do but I’m so worried and a little scared as well. I love him with every piece of me I just don’t know anymore. I’m sooo broken down.

Elizabeth
8:49 pm August 1st, 2017

My husband and I have been married for 20 years and I love my husband dearly. I desperately want to help him and I’m ready to hear whatever I need to hear at this point you know I’ve had to leave my home with my kids and my grandson and I told him that I would not return unless he went and got the help that he needed and he refuses he tells me that I don’t love him that I treat him badly he tells me all kinds of ugly and nasty mean things. Am I doing the right thing by telling him he has to get help before he can have his family back?

Jo
8:06 pm August 4th, 2017

My husband has smoked Crack on and off for 24 years. He was clean the first five years of our 16 year relationship. I filed for divorce again after a five day disappearing binge. Hw returned, wouldn’t accept thw papers and now he has 62 daya clean. He doesn’t want the divorce and says he is fine now. His reckless life with drugs tereifiew me. He is also waiting on an inheritance that is caught up because of the divorce. He sounds like he has years clean but won’t discuss issues. Basically says don’t you see the change. Help….jo

Sherrie
12:51 am August 13th, 2017

Hi Amanda, I have just finished reading Hope Street thank you for sharing your experience with addiction and co-addiction, my sister is in a similar situation you were once in. Her husband of 11 years who has been addicted to something or other though out there 20 year relationship has been on crack for the past two years. It has finally gotten to the stage where he has stopped coming home quit his job takes all the money from their account and owes money to a lot of people. She has kept this secret until now, at some time or another my family and I have all questioned HER sanity her health has deteriorated and she has developed a hoarding obsession and the whole time he has been telling
everyone she is mental and that’s the way it looked. I feel terrible that she felt she couldn’t talk to us and kept his secret to protect him. I’m not sure how this is going to end he has been home once in the last week since texting her he was leaving her for his girlfriend. I think my sister is relieved he’s left and says she is only sad for their 14 year old son. As she is now hearing a lot of stories about what he’s been lying to her about over the years the cheating the girls the motels the gangs etc I know it is far from over. But I really hope she has reached that place where she can finally move on and get on with her life. You are an inspiration and I hope my sister can come out the other side of this regain her confidence and her life as you have done.

Iris
1:02 am August 14th, 2017

Hi.
What is your advise about staying in the relationship while I learn to empower myself?

My husband doesn’t want to quit using nor does he want to leave his friends.

During a conversation this morning he stated:

You’re making my using bigger than ir is – he uses 4 times a month he says.

He said he is going to get me to try it. – he’ll can freeze over before that happens and even if it does it still won’t happen.

Ivw thrown in the towel in trying to keep him away from his friends and trying to help him. He says maybe he will stop and in the meantime im stating to learn how to do things that make me feel good and happy.

So what do I do about the relationship? I teeter between staying and going. I feel like a single woman in the relationship because I do everything on my own anyways.

There is lover between us. This us undeniable. Can me big and feeling empowered sway him to the clean side or us leaving the way?

I am a relationship coach and one would think I would know how to handle this addiction but I don’t.

I appreciate your thoughts and support.

Love iris

Jenelle
4:20 am August 19th, 2017

Hello, i found this site because my BF of 5 years has recently come clean with me about his addiction to cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana. The drinking we both enjoyed doing together a beer here and there in moderation on my end. Then i started noticing when we had liquor in the house he started taking a few shots here and there. I confronted him about it and it seemed to mellow out. Enough to throw away the booze entirely. I never knew about the cocaine though. He hid that from me. I found it a total of two times but he admitted to using for a year. This last time i found it and made him leave the house we share. He wants to seek therapy and over come his addictions but i dont think he wants my help. Im confused because i support his decision amd would only consider staying if he revieved help, well both of us really. I just dont know what my part in this is supposed to be? I would happily live a completely sober life style if it meant having my healthy, happy, and loving boyfriend back. I just feel so lost.

Lori
9:18 pm August 23rd, 2017

I left my alcoholic spouse 14 years ago. It hurt. A lot. It took a while for me to realize it, but a few months later I looked back and saw that for the first time in years I had a savings account instead of living in fear of not meeting the bills. I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and didn’t have to avoid going somewhere that his drunken, lewd behavior might embarrass me. I could go to work and not worry about what he was doing while I was gone or whether I would come home to the sweet drunk or the angry drunk. The day I left I told him that I could no longer feel anything for anyone, not even myself, and I had to remove myself from a situation that was so draining I felt my only options were to leave or do away with myself. I chose to leave/live. I think that I had finally realized the truth: addicts “love” their addiction so much they can’t love anything/anyone else. That doesn’t mean they enjoy it. That means they nurture it, protect it, align with it against anyone who would try to damage it, sneak and lie and cheat and steal for it. All the things you would expect a spouse or parent to do for a spouse or child, the addict will do for his addiction. It is his/her first priority and there is no room for a relationship with anyone else except to find someone who can be used as a means to an end (money, a place to live, etc). He/she will go to rehab if it keeps the employed, functional spouse around to care for him and his addiction. It’s like having an affair with a bottle (syringe, pill bottle, whatever). “I swear I love you, bottle, more than anything. I only stay with my spouse because of the money I can get from him/her so we can keep seeing each other and I can give you a place to live. But I really love only you.” If you would have no problem leaving a partner who moved his mistress into your house and insisted you had to let her live there so he would be happy, you should be able to get yourself together and be able to leave the addict and his “mistress” the addiction. No matter how good you are to him/her, no matter what you have done in the past, no matter how many years you have put into the relationship, you can’t “fix” him and you can’t afford to throw good years after the bad and stay. Don’t worry about what will happen to him/her. Addicts can always find someone else willing to keep them. Heck, they usually already have an escape plan already in place. Someone they’ve cried to about how you “don’t understand” them. Just in case you get the courage to leave. And I can guarantee that once he/she charms their way into another bed and board they won’t worry about how you’re getting along at all. He/she might try to keep you strung along as their escape plan in case the next one figures them out before they get a chance to find a new person to suck the life out of, but don’t mistake that for real caring. They are just not capable of that.

Sarah
8:59 am August 24th, 2017

I am keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.

Amy
12:18 am August 27th, 2017

My fiance is an addict. I am an enabler. Which in turn feels like I have the bigger problem. I am not so afraid to be alone as to what will happen to him when I choose that path. I am scared. I have kept his secret for fear of how others including his family will feel about it. He has disappeared for days and weeks at a time as I sit back and make excuses for his absence. I feel like if I reject him he will sink further into his hole. Yet I know it has to stop. I have allowed him to depend on me for everything, basically crippling him from taking responsibility for himself. I still love him but I know the time has come to make a choice since I already laid out the ultimatum the last time. I don’t know how to do it and now that I am realizing I have to I am scared. Scared for his future but also a bit scared of him. Its like pulling everything from under his feet. What do I do?

Rochelle
8:38 am August 29th, 2017

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I’m almost free. He has been gone for 7 months, back to pick up the rest of his things. Tried talking his way back but I’m not going for it. He’s leaving again at end of the week and I will be so glad because I wil never let him back in my life again. Even though I understand what may have triggered all of this, I don’t give a damn cause this s?&!t is crazy and so am I for putting up with it for 10 years. Now I just don’t give a damn. I’m done with him. He’s nuts.

Casey
11:43 pm August 29th, 2017

Thank you for this article. I need to hear ALL of the things you mentioned and I know I need to hear them often. I’ve read books and articles, I’ve talked to therapists and trusted friends about the life I’ve lived for too many years. I’m not a stupid person! I’m educated, responsible, A devoted mother, successful and capable, yet I’m weak unsuccessful and very incapable when it comes to handling my husband’s addictions. For 12 years I worked and raised our children while my husband lost himself in cocaine and alcohol. Days and even weeks would go by and I had no idea where he was. Eventually he would come home. He’d apologize profusely, cry, make promises and every single time, those promises were a dead end. I was scared and ashamed. Many people in our community thought I was a single mother because my husband was just never around. Never involved and because I was so embarrassed by the way my marriage and life had turned out, I didn’t make friends. I didn’t want to explain why my husband was always gone. I didn’t want people to think I was in a bad situation and I most certainly didn’t want anyone to think my kids were in a bad situation! I overcompensated with my kids in order to hide the fact that they had a coke head, alcoholic father. I made sure they had the best of everything, I got them involved in as many extra curricular activities as their little hearts desired and made sure I didn’t miss one second of any of it, I through them elaborate birthday parties and volunteered for everything I could that they were involved in. Looking back, I believe it was my way of avoiding my sick life at home with my sick husband. The cycle continued for 12 years until he came home to an intervention in our
living room with several of our friends and a drug counselor who was ready to take him to rehab if everything went as we’d hope it would. Long story short, he completed rehab and was sober for more than 10 years. He found great friends who loved him and held him accountable. They were great role models for him. Good fathers and husbands, hard workers and just good, solid people. He grabbed the reigns and completely transformed his life. For 10 years things were everything I’d always prayed they would be. We had a solid marriage, awesome friends, we were involved in our community and built a respectable reputation for ourselves in our community. We were living a life I took a lot of pride in. I was proud of him and so grateful!! Today, after 10 years of sobriety, my husband is once again using. He’s developed a nasty addiction to OxyContin. Once again I’m faced with the lies and all of the ugly things that go along with loving an addict. The big difference this time is that I’m now an empty nester. I don’t have children to raise who will fill my hours and bring me joy when life doesn’t seem all that joyful. This time, I know I need to handle our problem much differently than I did 10 years ago. I can’t be quiet about it because I’m afraid our kids will hear, I can’t protect him by keeping it a secret so people won’t judge. I know I DESERVE a clean husband. I know I DESERVE to have a man who chooses me over a high. Articles like the one you’ve written are helpful. I need to hear those things but I need to find the strength to follow through.

Mel
12:00 am September 1st, 2017

Hi there, I am writing because I need some help. My husband was an addict for 5 years before we got together, we dated before his addiction also when I ran i to him and he told me of His issues I tried to help. He called one day and said he wanted to be sober and away from the life he was living and asked if he could stay with me. I agreed under the condtion of no drugs. We started dating shortly after of course and after 3 months I recieved an odd phone call and came hime to an obviously high boyfriend. We went to counceling after a month and our tgerapist said “I either let him do it or he will do it behind my back”…music to his ears im sure. So after enabeling for 3 months and thousands of dollars later O had enough, he I threatened and he finally went sober for 9 months and said “I just have to get it out of my system, this will be the only time, I will write a contract to you, Im starting a new job so I wont ever be able to do it again(because of random drug tests) so I allowed…9 months and a baby girl later, married and pregnant again…with another urge to get high, last time, have to get it out of my system, we have another baby coming I wont be able to ever do it again (mind you random drug tests at work turned out to be only if you get hurt tests) so I was upset but eventually allowed it. So again today a year later we look at houses and the excuse on the way home is, “we are going to have a financial responsibility to this house, this is the only time I can do it, labor day is monday so I have 3 days and it will be out of my system by the time i go back to work in case i get hurt, I will write a contract, I want to do it one last time and leave it here at this hpuse and not take it with me to a new beginning. Im afraid of i dont let him, he will do it at the new house behind my back and it will never end. What do I do :(

Seirra
11:52 pm September 3rd, 2017

I need someone to talk to… My husband is a meth addict and i try not to enable what he does. He throws a fit threatening to hurt me scares the kids and i usually let him go do whatever. Plz help

Camelia
2:23 pm September 8th, 2017

My husband is an addict am literally tired of being in this relationship..I left job love this man more than my life.. I always had fear of losing him..but now it’s like I need some support and motivation so that I can become strong and just leave him

Monique
6:13 pm September 8th, 2017

I married a drug addict about four years ago but I had absolutely no frame of reference and I didn’t learn until we moved into our own house a year and a half ago that he had been regularly using up until deciding to marry me and he wasn’t regular in his use for over two years. But he would binge use and those were trying times but doable because at least he would return to his “normal” self as I had gotten to know him (not knowing it was his second time in his life trying to be sober. He had been sober for almost seven years then relapsed for a couple years before meeting and marrying me). Now that he is regularly using he is also regularly drinking and he is a different person who I do not like nor am attracted to. I hate how stupid he is and how he never dies what he says. But he did for those first two and a half years. I’m so angry because I married him because I could tell he was an honest character and I had just gotten out of a sixteen year marriage with a compulsive liar and Sec addict who controlled my life by making me believe I had to do better for him to stop his behavior. He was a sorry man and I was thrilled to finally be done with him. But now with this husband I am finding our marriage slipping into the same pattern for me where I keep being a fool for hope that he will quit and we can finally build a future together but then lie after lie and I’m slowly dying inside and going crazy because I never know what’s going to happen any given moment because he will snap or not at something I say or do and then won’t explain nor apologize in a way that I know he knows what he’s apologizing about and his it affected me. My threshold was already low because of being in bondage for sixteen years before this marriage. Only two years to build my self esteem was just barely getting to a believable improvement in myself before it has now been almost completely damaged to worthlessness again.

Darlene
2:26 am September 9th, 2017

My fiancé of 6 years was a pill addict due to all the surgery she had(befor I met him)I never had a clue he was addicted till almost a year after we were together,never knew the signs of one,Life was complete hell when I found out,I lost trust for him,started to realize when he was having withdrawals by reading online,1 year ago a family member got him in The suboxin program,To me I felt it wasn’t good enuff but everyone said it would help get him down to where he needs to be,I haven’t seen a change whats so ever,he abuses them by taking more than he is prescribed claiming his legs hurt his back hurts his knee hurts,all BS to me!!!I am now 5 monthes pregnant and am thinking of my unborn little girl who will have to see this and I don’t know if I want to be in this relationship,it’s not fair to her not me,I love him but I’ve seen his temper when he doesn’t have his crap..I don’t have anyone to lean on for advice,so I hold things in,I am at wits end!!! I hate to be mean and unfair with our unborn baby,but I don’t even want his family around her or me,his brother is a heroine addicts and smokes weed all day,his dads wife is a pill addict,his daughter and her boyfriend smoke weeks among other things,I just can’t do it,I can’t allow her to be in this kind of environment,I feel I need to do what is best for her right now,any advice is appreciated

Charlotte
5:58 pm September 11th, 2017

Hi I have read your article and some of the comments I have been with my partner for 8 years we have one 5yr old girl and another one on the way my partner is addict to cocaine and weed for 4 years im at the point now where in just waiting to come home from work and find him dead on the floor, he has stolen from me multiple times and stolen my credit card and maxed it out and won’t help to pay it off he has also got out loans in my name that I have to pay back he promises me that he is going to get help but never does no one on my side of the family knows as they all love him to bits and i am worried that they wont beleive me if i tell them the truth also dont want them to be dissapointed in me. His family know but constantly find excuses for him and his mum even gives him money to enable him to get more. Our little girl knows nothing about what he’s doing but does notice when he is on it as he acts very strange. I am starting to realise that I can’t help or fix him as he doesn’t want it and have asked him to leave as I pay all of the bills on my own and feel that he should leave as I have worked hard for what we have but he refuses to leave and am stumped at what to do he knows I won’t turn it into something dramatic for our daughters sake but he won’t let me go. Any advice would be appreciated

Leave a Reply

About Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.

Trusted Helpline
Help Available 24/7
1-888-882-1456
PRIVACY
GUARANTEED