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HOW OUR HELP LINE WORKS
For those seeking addiction treatment for themselves or a loved one, the AddictionBlog.org helpline is a private and convenient solution. Caring advisors are standing by 24/7 to discuss your treatment options.
Calls to any general helpline (non-facility specific 1-8XX numbers) for your visit (IP: 45.23.169.109) will be answered by American Addiction Centers (AAC) or a paid sponsor.
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How to STOP enabling my drug addicted husband

In terms of addiction, enabling has a negative connotation. It refers to a dysfunctional way of helping someone else in such a way that hurts the enabler and the person they think they are helping. In the article, “8 Signs You are a Co-addict“, we discussed many types of enabling. Whichever type you engage in, there are consequences to each.

So, how can you end the enabling and move towards a healthier relationship…a healthier you? We review here. Then, we invite your questions at the end. In fact, we try to respond to all legitimate questions or comments with a personal and prompt response.

Are you ready to hear the truth?

Some women will post on my blog about how they want to stop enabling their husband’s addiction. Their posts seem so desperate and so imminent. I know what they are going through because I have been there; I was married to an addict, too. So, I spend time and energy crafting a heartfelt and realistic response. I try to address their needs and personalize the advice for them and then … weeks will go by and … nothing. Months and … nothing. Some of these women never reply.

I thought about this for a while and tried to put myself in their shoes. When they are reading online for answers and posting their frustrations and their stories they are usually in a crisis situation, either the addict is binging on drugs, disappeared, or done some other inexcusable act. Just because they are posting on my blog does not mean that they are ready to hear what I have to tell them.

When I explain what is most likely to happen or what will help them in the long run, they do not answer back because that is not the answer they were looking for. Most women are not ready to hear that they need to change. Perhaps telling their stories just helps them purge all of their anxiety or they still believe I can tell them how they can fix their partner.

STOP enabling

When I was married to an addict, the only advice I hoped to hear from my therapist and from other support people was that I could do “X,Y, and Z” and that would help me fix my husband and his addiction. I wanted to know that living with an addict was possible, and that he could change. When people suggested I had issues or that I should leave my husband I was mortified. I thought I could not live without him so I continued on the same path hoping something would happen that would change him.

Twelve years passed and nothing happened.

I still wanted to fix him, until one day an event forced me to fix myself. It was like I was tuning out all of the advice I needed to hear until one day I heard it because I was ready to listen.

My husband was not forcing me to enable him; I was taking it upon myself to help him because I felt bad for him and I loved him. I realized when I did things that I knew made his addiction and life easier, even if it was acting crazy so he could feel justified to abuse drugs more, that I was not only enabling him but hurting myself. If he ever had a chance to stop using drugs, I had to realize it was not going to be because of me.

Most enablers already know that being married, having children, and responsibilities are not enough reason for an addict to get sober. But, they still think one day they will say something and the addict might all of a sudden realize they are.

It’s about boundaries

Most addicts have no boundaries. An enabler eventually loses their own boundaries and their lives become convoluted and controlled by addiction. Enablers lose their identity and do not understand why they keep on doing what they are doing. So, how can you pull yourself back up to stand on your own two feet?

Start empowering yourself!

How to stop enabling a drug addict?

To stop enabling a few things need to happen:

  1. You need to make a commitment to change.
  2. You must commit to stop your part in enabling 100%, not just some of the time.
  3. You must stop negative patterns and behaviors and replace them with positive ones.
  4. You need to get support from someone with experience and someone you trust to help you.
  5. You need to stop enabling him and start empowering you.

Enablers feel the illusion of control when they help their partner. Once you let it go, you can stop trying to fix and control your partner, take that energy, and fix yourself. You can start asking yourself the questions:

  1. Why am I allowing this person and his addiction control my life?
  2. Why do I not feel good enough about myself to want to be treated better?
  3. Why am I so afraid to leave?
  4. Why do I have fears of abandonment, of being alone, of standing on my own two feet?

If you focus on you, there is less of a chance you will have the time to focus on him. If you change your life and start doing things that bring back your self-confidence then it is less likely you will want to repair him.

Addiction is a selfish condition because it usually involves the complete attention of more people than just the addict. It can draw in the wife, the children, the parents, and the friends if you allow it. Nevertheless, enabling is a choice even though it does not feel like one. The best way to stop enabling is to learn your enabling behaviors and make a conscious choice to STOP.

Need some help?

We invite you to leave your questions in the comments section below. We do our best to respond to each person individually and promptly!

Leave a reply

Trudy
Sunday, April 19th, 2015

I am reading your book "Hope Street" and I find myself connecting with everything you experienced. I was an enabler for years but didn't know it until I read this page of the 10 enabling signs. Wow. I can't believe all the things I've done to enable his behavior. I've bailed him out of jail a couple times. I've paid his fines for him with my own money. I most recently went to NA meetings with him. I didn't realize I was exhibiting the behavior of an enabler. All this time wasted. I've known him 25 years. We have 4 children together. We were married and then divorced. We got back together 4 years ago because he completed his first intensive 6 month rehab program. He was clean for 2 years after that and then everything went down hill these last couple years. I asked him to leave the house 2 days ago. He's at his mother's house and she's taking him to an inpatient rehab on Monday. I wish him luck. I don't want to be an enabler anymore. All I ever wanted was a husband who was there for me. I figured if I let him go now, God will send to me someone who is good for me. I'm a work in progress. It feels kind of lonely without him here but when he's here it's been hell lately.
Amanda Andruzzi I
Monday, April 20th, 2015

Trudy, Thank you so much for sharing with us. I am happy that you have found my book useful. So many times, I insisted that I was "helping" my husband as you probably see many times in the book but in actuality I was perpetuating my own sick behavior and need to control him and his addiction. It is a role we get sucked into without even realizing it. I hope you get to the end, where you will find some hope for this confusing state you must be in right now. You love him and you can't picture life without him but then again you cannot continue life with him. It is a feeling that no one will truly understand unless they have been there. You hate the person you love, there are no other words to describe it. I hope you take this opportunity with him gone to get the help for yourself. Enabling can spill over to other areas in life and unhealthy patterns can continue if we don't heal and learn from our mistakes. It is hard to say that we are wrong for what we do as enablers because deep down all we really want to do is help the addict. But because things become so convoluted, we lose sight of everything and cross so many lines that we cannot remember the person we were before the addict affected our lives. That is why it is so important for you to take the time you need, away from him, to work on your own issues, insecurities, and fears so that you will not repeat the same patterns. The loneliness fades as you become enlightened and pick up the pieces of the person you were and put them back together. I hope the articles here can help you as well as the book, I would really like to hear your thoughts when you finish Hope Street. Please keep your head up, keep me posted, I am here to help! Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict
Trudy
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

Thanks Amanda. I will definitely keep you posted about "Hope Street." And thanks for your encouraging words. I will stay strong and start focusing on myself for a change.
shana
Friday, May 22nd, 2015

I've just stumbled across this site - I'm sitting here now and my BF has gone on a binge again. Its been going on for years, he take cocaine and drinks, although not every day - sometimes he is sober for a few weeks. But then binges again - i can't get hold of him .. he spends all wages on it. I'm based in the UK. When we first met i must admit that i used to do the same, but as time has gone on and i have got older, i have stopped and want to try and sort out my life. I feel guilty about this, as feel like i encouraged it at the beginning. I feel depressed a lot and have stopped work for a few months due to stress. I feel like I'm in a cycle and its never ending. After each binge i say to myself i will leave. But never seem to do it. i feel to embarrassed to tell F&Family, so lie about things being good. I must be an enabler, i wanted to save him - but perhaps that isn't possible! hard facts to face.
CM
Saturday, May 23rd, 2015

Thank you Amanda for your blog, I have found it very helpful to read. My brother and his wife are seemingly both addicted to drugs and have 3 kids at home with them. My family is at a loss of what to do because they deny everything. I want to follow your advice about not being an enabler and leaving them alone but I can't stop trying because they still have kids around their home. Any advice?
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 26th, 2015

CM, It is different if children are involved. You cannot just leave the children in this situation, you can help the them and not the parents. I would stop howling them and take the children if that is a possibility or make a call to family services. If they come into the home, they can drug test (via hair sample which goes back a year) and mandate the parents into rehab. The children are the most important thing here and someone should step in on their behalf. If the family can get together and do an intervention with the help of a specialist, that might help. If the family can get together and take care of the children or take them out of the home, this cannot be healthy for them to be raised by two addicts. Do not enable them but as they fall apart make sure someone is there to take care of the children. This is an awful situation, usually there is at least one sober parent but when both parents are using you could only imagine what those children see and have to live with. This situation is one where the family should get together, step in and take the children out, that is not to say help the addict, taking the children is not enabling, it is simply saving the kids. I hope this helps. My thoughts are with you and those children. Kerp me posted. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
Just Me
Thursday, June 4th, 2015

i too have finally left my drug-addicted husband...after 10 long years...took me awhile to finally decide on that but i did it...finally...if i may place my blog site as well...
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, June 24th, 2015

Shana, Thank you for sharing. You have every right to grow out of that lifestyle and straighten out your life without feeling like it is your fault for encouraging him. I would advise you to move on and let go but it sounds like you are not at that place yet. You cannot save, change, fix, or repair another person or their addiction. Once you realize that you can start focusing on you and helping yourself. There is hope. There is a way out of this. I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, of my journey with an addicted husband. Every emotion, every feeling, every hopeless thought you are having I was able to write down and share with the world, in the hope that it would help others. I would keep reading the other articles I have written here as well so you can try to come to terms with enabling and addiction and understand what you are really dealing with. I hope this helps. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, June 24th, 2015

Just Me, I hope things are going will for you. I really believe you made a great choice for your future and I hope you are able to grow and heal. Keep me posted, I am here to help. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
sara
Thursday, August 20th, 2015

how did you finally stop the cycle? did you leave him? is he still an addict?
Amanda Andruzzi
Thursday, August 20th, 2015

Sara, Yes, I left and he is still an addict to my knowledge. You need to get your life together, learn self-love, and care about yourself again so you can focus on you. Please pick up Hope Street, it is my memoir of my life with an addict. It will really help you. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street www.hopestreetmemoir.com
Matty
Wednesday, September 9th, 2015

Hi there, I see this appears to be more targeted at women struggling with this issue, but I found your post quite helpful and wanted to ask if you could offer any advice on my situation. I am engaged to be married to the most amazing woman I've ever met, we're currently booking things and making plans for the wedding mid 2016, the issue however, is that I am having some trouble NOT going home after work each day and smoking a bit of marijuana, and my fiancee's addiction is wine. We've been together two years and it's been amazing, and for the first 10 months together, I didn't smoke at all, but my partner has apparently been quite hooked on wine a few years now (I had also previously been a heavy marijuana smoker before we got together). We both work full time, keep things organised etc, but we have both gained weight since getting together, and my partner is now being asked if she is pregnant occasionally!! one of the many issues with all this is that I'm still extremely attracted to her and constantly just wanna be close to her and tell her how amazing and sexy she is, but because of how she feels about herself, she now actually gets angry at my compliments and at me suggesting anything sexual wise etc... We constantly talk about starting the week fresh, no alcohol, no green, but one hiccup and one of us will quickly be talking about having a drink/smoke once home..the problem is that we both have our addictions that kinda get that "pay-off" when the other person says "I don't mind if u smoke/drink tonight" so we're effectively enabling each other...I just love this girl so much and hate seeing her so unhappy with herself, especially when I still think she's a goddess...any advice would be eternally appreciated! Thank you
Confused mt
Wednesday, November 4th, 2015

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 8. He does pills pot meth cocaine alcohol uppers downers anything he can get his hands on. I thought I could fix him and fell in love. 4.5 years ago we had a little boy and my entire outlook changed. My husband got cancer and went thru chemo. It was horrible but he was healed. Then went to prison for 2 years. Then I made him leave last December. I was tired of the up and down, the abuse, no money, him not working I was numb and TOTALY finished with him. Then in September I got a phone call that changed everything. He had a massive heart attack. I realized I still lived him but dont know y. I went to hospital and his much older sugar mama girlfriend was there so I left. He is healing and we visit on the weekends. Now I feel sorry for him, I buy him groceries sometime, I miss somethings, I mostly hate that he says he loves me and wants to come home but has a girlfriend. I almost want to forget everything and let him come home do we can b a family again. But then he does something stupid and I'm like y do I even love him? Please help!
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, November 18th, 2015

Matty, It is hard to stop using a substance when it works in your relationship with the other person and enabling is going both ways. What you are both doing is using these substances to cope with life and we all do that to some degree. You are both very functioning people but spending your life drinking and using marijuana on a daily basis is no way to live, especially if you want to start a family. What I would suggest is therapy with an addiction counselor to help you find other coping skills. I have 3 children and I volunteer my time to help other co-addicts on top of work and finishing my Master's degree so when things get rough I don't pop a pill or use a drug, I go to the gym, meditate, do yoga, or sometimes just stop and breath. I see a therapist to help me through the rough stuff but am armed with skills to help me when I am struggling. I have never had a substance abuse problem but I lived with someone who did and enabling was my specialty. I changed and so can you, but you should focus on your own issues and help each other change. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, November 18th, 2015

Confused Nut, He is keeping you involved in his life because that is what addict's do. They draw others into their addiction and it is not fair to you. If he is using and has a girlfriend, then you have to ask yourself what you expect to happen. If he comes home, he will just have a comfortable place to live while he uses more. I would get yourself unstuck to this person by moving on with your own life. This is something that takes work and is not always easy but can definitely be done. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
jennifer
Friday, December 4th, 2015

I need help understanding boundaries. I've been working a program for codependents. I can understand now when I am focusing on me v/s when I am controlling him. BUT when he does something I am not ok with, what do I do about it? I recently started just clearly saying "Something bothered me & I need to get it off my chest so we can deal with it.. (explaining what he did & how I felt) ... If I'm going to trust you I need that not to happen again.". He typically gets really angry, then tries to make it all about him & his stress. What do I do next? And what do I do when it happens again anyway?! That's my biggest confusion. If I allow my boundaries to be crossed, aren't I enabling? But I can't stop that from happening if I'm not controlling him. ??? Is the only answer to leave?? Thanks in advance.
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, December 4th, 2015

Jennifer, If you have boundaries and he is constantly crossing them, staying is just like saying it is okay. If your partner is an addict, this is something you cannot control and you will never have a healthy relationship with him. Addiction is selfish and irrational so trying to coexist in this situation and be happy is not likely. Counseling for both of you would be great but not if he is an active addict. Enabling is not going to help you or him but how do you stay in the relationship with someone who constantly makes bad decisions? You can't is the answer because you will always have inner turmoil and never be able to fully trust or enjoy that person because they are addicted FIRST and in a relationship LAST. Their priority is addiction. Your priority needs to be you. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Bobbie
Thursday, December 17th, 2015

How does the enabler realize their own behaviors? My husband has been in an out of prison for last 8 years, gone longer than home. In and out of rehabs for last 8 years as well. I try to leave always go back, I know I deserve more. I just graduated nursing school on 12-15 so that took attention away from him. I don't know I am lost, he is yet in another sober living 1.5 hours away. We can't even communicate anymore.
Michelle
Monday, December 28th, 2015

This is an amazing site and much needed. I have been with my alcoholic husband now ex-husband as of 2010 and back together again to make it work only to be completely let down and he is now worse than he's ever been. It would take a ton to explain all I've been through but jail, suicide attempts, not working for years and me supporting him, and all the while he continues to threat me like dirt. I went through Celebrate Recovery and really learned so much and worked through so much crap that I had been harboring since childhood. Well two months ago I did it I set my boundaries and made up my mind and communicated to him that this is what I have to do and will do. He likes to leave for days and drink and then come home drunk and mean and sick for days... No more. Well he did it again after 2 weeks and I told him I'm moving to evict you. That started the downward spiral of him drinking every single day since before Thanksgiving and not giving a crap about my feelings, rules, etc... And in the state of Nevada I have to evict like he was renting from me... Crazy. So right before Christmas 12/23 to be exact he was moving his stuff out and got pulled over and is now sitting in jail for DUI, open Container and illegal Lane change. He called me to bail him out and I said "NO" but now he wants me to pick him up tomorrow after his court appearance where they will let him go till his court date for sentencing in 2 to 3 months. I am at a loss for what to do, I feel like if I don't help him move the remaining stuff out he will continue to be here! I'm just angry and feel that darn codependent side of me coming out again. I did so well with the eviction and sticking to my boundaries only to have him get arrested and thrown in jail again. Please help and and all words of wisdom as harsh as they may be... I need it! Thank you!
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, December 28th, 2015

Bobbie, Ask yourself why you feel you are still in this relationship. What are you getting from enabling him? When you realize you are enabling someone you have to look within yourself and realize that this has to do more with you than with the person. You can love someone but if the relationship is not healthy then you should walk away. The fact that you've been in the relationship and he's been gone more than with you is a good indication that you were on the right website and hopefully the information that I have here will help you.we all have our own story and I stayed for 12 years but each of us come to a point where we need to move on and that happens only in our own time. Keep searching for answers, read the 35+ articles I have written here by clicking on my name next to my picture and you will find great resources to help you. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Trudy
Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

I enabled an addict for over 20 years. Please don't end up like me. 4 kids later and they have no good father figure in their lives because I was too weak to let go of this toxic man. I last posted here on Apr 19th and fell back into the same ole routine of giving him chance after chance. It wasn't until I bought a house 2 months ago that I started to realize how much better I do without him. He was with me during the closing of the house but I searched for the house and made the down payment all by myself and my God of course. God kept telling me to leave him with all these hints that I kept ignoring. He finally got a job after we moved in the new home because I told him I was tired of taking care of a grown man. But of course that was short lived. He never paid child support his entire life! We have a 24, 23, 18 and 10 year old. What do I need him for exactly? He was just taking up space and making me and the kids miserable. My sons almost beat the crap out of him one night. And the last straw was him stealing $50 from my oldest. She was livid. I blame myself for thinking he would change. He then stole from my brother who lives in a rooming house. Before we moved to the new home I told him it was for a trial basis. I was already stressed over the buying process so I didn't need his added stress. After he stole OUR daughter's money that was it. He had to go. The difference this time around is I feel it in my soul that I won't take him back. I don't miss him at all. In fact I get angry when he contacts me. He texts me from different numbers trying to get me to respond but I told him during our last phone conversation to never contact me again. He said he wouldn't but he still is. I guess he's not taking me serious because I always took him back. But being a first time homebuyer has made me wake up to all the things I can do with my life if I set my mind to it. There are dreams I still have that I can make happen but I can't with him bringing me down, taking me backwards. I had to let him go so God can send me someone meant for me who cares about my happiness. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yes it gets lonely but I was lonely with him around so I may as well be alone for a while and work on a better ME. I was so jealous seeing other couples building lives together while I build alone. I know we all have to learn this lesson until we GET IT. And once you get sick and tired too and realize all the great things you can accomplish without that weight on your shoulders, you'll be so happy you finally let go. The worse thing you can do is worry about him having a roof over his head. He will find a way trust me. Put yourself first and think about how you deserve so much better. Thanks again Amanda for having this forum for us to share.
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, January 8th, 2016

Trudy, You had your AhHA moment. I am so happy to hear that you are there and YOU ARE THERE! You are sick and tired of riding the merry go round. We all have different time limits and different thresholds to tolerate things so that is why there is no magic answer it is simply when you get it, you get it. You wake up, have a spiriual awakening and realize the peace and happiness you can have without the toxicity in your life. Good for you. I am so happy for you. Please keep me posted. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Judith
Monday, March 14th, 2016

I am a recovering addict whose partner is using drugs still. I had two months up clean cos I left him, and then I missed him so much and felt like there was no way is use again, so I got back with him. I ended up using again. I seem to stay clean when he's not around but then I miss him and feel lost without him and even though I know I get triggered when I'm with him, I take him back again only to use again the day I see him. I can stop using while he's not here but when he's here I can't say no even though I desperately hate it and don't wanna use. I've begged him to stop so many times cos I can't stay clean and be with him but he says he will when he's ready but I mentally and internally cannot handle using anymore but he won't stop. So I say he's triggering me. But I can't leave him. I feel so depressed and lifeless and can't function without him and I end up begging him to come back even though he treats me quite aggressively most times we see each other. I need help. I can't stop using while I'm with him. He treats me like crap at times, yet I can't stay away from him. I feel like I can't live without him. Please help me.
Becky
Tuesday, March 15th, 2016

Hi I've been with my partner for 14yrs he is a herion addict and was when I first got with him I wasn't a very confident person all them years ago and I allowed him to control me and treat me like rubbish for years. I then fell pregnant with our son at this point he was coming and going every time he left us it made me become a stronger person to witch he liked about me and would come bk and stayed clean for a little while each time and then he would start using again every now and then then his addiction would take over his life again. It's been like this for years. Then one day I turned round and told him that's it I've had enough I want nothing to do with him and I didn't for 10months I was strong and stood by my word. Then the letters started coming from prison and there questions I wanted the answers to so I went to see him and and fell in to the trap again of loving him so much and thinking this time we Gona be a proper family when comes out. Well everything was all good for 4months he had even lowered his self off his methadone and was attending drug groups and was doing best I've ever known him to do. Then he met a girl at the groups that was a user and 8yrs younger then him and she flirted with him made him feel like the best looking bloke in the world for him to then leave me and his son before Xmas for. It felt like my world had fallen apart. And hit me hard this time cause in my head I thought we were getting somewhere cracking the drug problem. I still did not give up cause I wasn't prepared to lose what I had fought for all these years. But this time it feels harder and I've lost all my confidence again and is now on antidepressants I get panick attacks when the thought of going to work incase he goes out to meet this girl again. I don't go out anywhere I don't talk to my family much now I do anything to make him happy I feel like I'm fighting with myself with my head and my heart. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen to make me think I'm not doing this no more. Why can't I let go I want to but can't. I've lost myself and is finding it hard to be bk to that strong person I once was. XXXX hope all this makes sense xxx
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, March 15th, 2016

Becky, This all makes perfect sense to someone who has lived with or loved an addict. I would definitely seek help because it sounds like with your confidence he also took your self- love, independence, and ability to see clearly. I understand wanting to mend your family but there is a point where there is no going back because it is hurting you to the point that you are becoming sick. That's an indication that this relationship needs to end. The problem is most of us do not want to give up because we are scared of what else is out there for us. We don't know if we will ever be happy again so we stay with something that is familiar. I can promise you that there is something else out there because I have been where you are, married with a child and together for 12 years. That is why I wrote my memoir, hope Street, to give other people insight, help them feel understood, less alone, and give them the courage and the hope to Move on. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Robyn
Wednesday, March 16th, 2016

Hello, I am the mother of a 26 year old son. He is my only child. I love him with all my heart. He is an alcoholic and drug addict. His use has been problematic for about 6 years. He pounds vodka and whiskey straight. He uses meth, pot, whippets, and other drugs. We have set him up in a mobile home, a college dorm room, our house, 2 separate apartments, and 2 stints of 30 day treatments. He has 3 DUIs. Currently, he is serving a 30 day detention for his last DUI. He is due to be released on April 3rd. He does not currently have a job, although he does work most of the time. We pay all of his bills. He recently ran up my credit card $1500 on alcohol, whippets, and items he probably traded for drugs. I just learned that he is evicted from his apartment because they found pictures he had taken of himself using drugs. My husband and I will be traveling to his town to retrieve his car, motorcycle, and all of his property so that we don't lose it. We have paid for most of it. My dilemma is that I'm sure my son will want to come home to our house while he figures out his next move. We've asked him to consider long term treatment but he refuses. Do I let him come here this one last time, or let him figure it out? He has no resources. We are broken and exhausted. Thank you for your advice.
Andrra
Thursday, March 17th, 2016

My husband has crohns disease and crohns arthritis. He has been an awesome provider. Very physical job. He is now beat. Somehow in the past 6 years he has been buying painkillers of the street. Too much money, years and brain cells have been argued about. What do I do?
Amanda Andruzzi
Thursday, March 17th, 2016

Robyn, I know you are at the end of your rope and because it is your child you feel you cannot give up on him. The feelings you have are ones I never hope to share because having a child who is an addict is the most painful experience, however, there are things you can do. By paying his bills and supporting him, you are actually enabling his addiction. You are making it possible, if not easy for him to comfortably continue his addiction. When someone needs help for a mental illness you they don't always know what is best for them. If he has no consequences to his drug use that drastically change his life then he has no real reason to stop using. When he gets out, he still has home, food and everything he needs and fighting his desire to use drugs will not be necessary because addiction is much stronger than you know. His brain has shifted and he probably has some underlying issues which no longer give him the ability to make the right choices. If you continue to enable him, expect more of the same. He will never hit his rock bottom or come to the conclusion that is life is unmanageable on his own. Most addicts need to fall without rescue before they go for help. Sometimes cutting them off financially is the only way. to have them deal with their addiction. I would seek counseling for you both so you can make informed decisions that may help him instead of making decisions based on being scared, and other emotions. You are not helping him or you. I know letting him go on his own is a risk because our fears of what will happen are real but things are not changing with the status quo so something needs to change. I would cut him off financially and not allow him back into my home and let him know how much I love him but will no longer watch him destroy himself. I would let him know my door is always open when he is ready for long term recovery and then Let Go and Let God. Al-anon will be really helpful for you in this situation. He needs help getting down to the reasons he uses drugs in the first place; underlying mental illness, depression, anxiety, chemical imbalances, trauma, etc. and deal with the root cause through therapy with an experienced therapist that won't be fooled by the lies addict's tell. The money spent on his lifestyle, I would switch gears and put it towards rehab, long term care out of your home, therapy, and other alternative treatments. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Thursday, March 17th, 2016

Andrra, In my other work, I help people heal and recover from chronic illnesses naturally. I know firsthand that there are healthier ways to deal with Chron's and arthritis. In fact, if he were to have a multi-faceted approach, he would probably be able to reverse his conditions with lifestyle, diet and therapy, so do not let him tell you he needs the painkillers. He is an addict and addicts say and do whatever they need to in order to keep using. I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you what might help you and has been more effective than just continuing on the way things are. You need to create boundaries, like you will no longer stay together if he continues to use and does not seek treatment. Please read my other articles here, especially Zero Tolerance for Addiction: Help for Families. Clicl on my name Amanda Andruzzi near my picture and they will all come up. You have to stick to your boundaries or he will know you are not serious and he can go right on using. He is not going to just make changes, so the rational person, you, needs to. Even if we argue but we stay in a situation we know is toxic for you and for him, this is enabling. If he refuses to get help, then I would focus on getting help for you so that you can move on. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Lynn
Monday, March 28th, 2016

I'm a first time reader of this blog and have learned a lot already. My boyfriend is an alcoholic- a severe one. He's gone into full-blown DTs more than once. He's also extremely institutionalized and has no true idea of his own identity. I feel sorry for him a lot of the time, but every time he half-ass detoxes, or I have to rush him tote ER for his withdrawals, I become resentful because he's doing this to himself repeatedly and doesn't consider how it affects me. I have made a commitment to cease all enabling behaviors. I just don't know where to start. The next time he goes in DTs, do I just call ambulance and stay home while he's in the hospital? I won't give him money, but I do occasionally buy him a beer because I'm so sick of his antics I just don't want to deal with it. Do I tell him, firmly but with care, that theses are the boundaries I have set up- or do I just slowly begin implementing these changes until he starts to get the picture. I don't know what do... Any advice is appreciated.
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, March 28th, 2016

Lynn, I think you seriously need to ask yourself what you gain by being in this relationship. I would say 100% that you need to let go and move on with your life. What you are doing is the definition of enabling. You are on a cycle of co-addiction that is not going to change unless you do. You can't save him or make him change so your only option is to make changes with yourself. Have you been to therapy? Al-anon? Support groups? Read Hope Street? This blog is a great start, try clicking on my name and all of my articles will pop up. Amanda Andruzzi Hope street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
Tammy
Thursday, March 31st, 2016

I'm new to this...seeking advice that is. I'm at the end of caring about and for my husband. His choice to use meth.pot and pills is effecting my way of existing. I want help for myself...to become self supportive and feel safe. Any suggestions,advice or comment will be valued. Thx
Kate
Saturday, April 2nd, 2016

Thank you for this blog - I'm new to it, but already finding it helpful to read (if not a little painful to see myself as an enabler, when all I want to do is help so my husband and I can get our lives back to "normal"). My husband has been struggling with alcohol abuse for about a year and a half, and now is moving towards abusing prescription anxiety meds. He's not yet ready to admit that he's an addict or has a *real* problem with substance abuse. He lies constantly about how much he is using, and I never can trust what he's telling me to be true - this is all very new to me, only in the past 6/8 months or so have I been aware of the problem, and I'm still just realizing the frequency of his lies about using. He also suffers from anxiety and depression. Last summer he went into inpatient treatment for a short time (my suggestion), and he is distrustful of me because of that. I guess my question is...at what point are my behaviors enabling, and at what point are they what I need to do in order to keep him safe. I know that one of the issues that causes him to drink (at least this is what he's told me that he and his therapist have determined) is the fact that I try to control his addiction and "catch him" when he's abusing. I do do this...I search for liquor bottles and try to monitor his behavior at night to see if he is drinking or taking meds. I know that his drinking and taking pills is dangerous, though, so I wonder if it is irresponsible for me to just ignore this behavior and let it continue. I would like to convince him to go into treatment, but I think maybe that is enabling, too? By not letting him make his own decision to go? And lastly, I've just discovered that he is abusing anxiety meds. He has a psychiatrist and I would like to call him and let him know that this is going on - I worry about drug interactions and overdosing. I feel like that is a responsible action....but I also worry that it may just be enabling again, treating him like he can't take care of this himself, and could really damage trust between us. Or worse, just cause him to stop seeking any treatment at all. I'd appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks!
Jennifer
Tuesday, April 5th, 2016

Thank you for your article Amanda. I am struggling right now with being an enabler. My fiancé had a problem before we started dating, that he didn't tell me about until I realized there was something wrong during our first year. Then we thought he cleaned up and he got on a program for a year, he proposed and we found out we were pregnant. We finally had our baby girl in December, we bought a home and I find out he's been using and messing up almost the whole time he was off the program. We have a little baby, a new home we've been living in for two weeks and now I am at a loss for what to do at this point. I'm truly lost.
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, April 5th, 2016

Tammy, The advice here is to do just those things in steps. Start gaining your independence emotionally, financially and then physically. It doesn't have to happen over night but you need to understand more about your part in this and how to break the cycle. You need to gain the tools to help you get out of this and stay out. Therapy, reading the other articles I have written here, reading my memoir Hope Street, joining al-anon or other community support groups will help you have your AHHA moment and get to a place where you will be able to move on. Don't give up and certainly don't stop here. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Michele
Wednesday, April 6th, 2016

I have been on the roller coaster with my ex. He has done crazy things and I continue to enable get him off the streets etc. Even him disrespecting me, cheating accusing me of doing what he is doing etc continues every time. I am ignoring calls and emails and I think he feels I'll always be there. I feel I need to be done. We had been together 25 years the last 4 struggling w/addiction. It feels like letting go of family. I seem to keep reminding myself of all the bad. I just want him to go away and get better. I want the strength to do it. I don't trust myself , any advice will help. Thanks.
Eimy
Sunday, April 17th, 2016

I neep help I'm married for 2 years going on 3 years this September and im tired of my husband doing drugs (crack) and drinking every single day from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep. I'm tired of it it's not healthy for me or my 4 kids (boys) I be telling him he needs to stop but he tells me it's not my business. He does not work he does sometimes he does tattoos and haircuts and thats how he buys the drug if he don't have no money he ask me for money all the time if I don't he calls me all kinds of name and get a bitchy mood with me. He uses my van which I still pay monthy car payments for it to give rides to his friends and the money he gets for gas he buys his drug and YES I'm the one who puts gas he waste it giving rides.. I was working and I had to leave my job because he was bitching about taking care of my kids I only have one with him but I have total of 4 kids but thats not all I was paying him to watch them. He charges me for everything if I have to run to the store I have to pay him to watch my kids.. Even to pick them up at the school bus stop. In some point I have to pay him to have sex with me. I'm tired. What can I do? I love him but I guess he don't he hurt me in so many ways I sometimes think he got married with me just to so call home cause when I meet him he had no where togo. Need help!# please
Katrina
Sunday, April 17th, 2016

I really found your article very helpful. I am living this and know I have been an enabler. You are right, it's a very hard change. Do you have any other resources? One question I have is the issue of keeping things a secret. I have held this in for a long time. I have tried not to embarrass him so I have been enabling. He agrees I need to talk with others. I started seeing a therapist and have opened up to two friends that he doesn't know or know well. But I been hinding this from my family and close friends. What should I do in that area? I will listen and appreciate your help!
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 18th, 2016

Michelle, I am glad you feel that it is your time to move on. It is not your job or responsibility to take care of someone else, especially when they are not taking care of themselves. It is like losing family but even toxic family relationships should not be continued. You are not able to have the life you want and it is time to start doing what is right for you. If you can't trust yourself then that in itself is an issue that you need to be dealing with. You need to focus on you and what issues you have so that you can be a healthy and happy person. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 18th, 2016

Eimy, I am not sure that you ever had a healthy or happy relationship so I don't understand what you are holding on to. I am also very concerned that you pay someone who is high on crack and alcohol to pick up your children and watch them, especially when one is his. I don't mean to criticize or judge but not only would you be better off without him but I cannot understand why you would love someone who treats you so awfully and you have to pay to keep in your life and to have sex with. You are a mother of 4 children and you are not doing them any good by being with a person who smokes crack and is around them. Please re-evaluate this situation and I would recommend a restraining order because it sounds like this man is not only toxic to you and your children but a horrible person. What you need to work on is your self esteem and realizing you can be independent and you will be better off on your own. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 18th, 2016

Katrina, Thank you for sharing. I do believe there is a toxicity to this type of relationship and secrets. I always shared this problem with family but definitely played it down for many years. Until you change, are able to move on, get real support and be honest with yourself, your situation will stay the same. You need to be honest with what is really going on and how much you want a happy and healthy life which you CANNOT have with an addict. Have you read Hope Street? It is a memoir I wrote of my life as the wife of an addict, other than that, you can click on my name in this article and 38 others will appear, all regarding how to help you! You have to do the work, learn the tools and commit to moving on no matter what and then and only then will you be able to get through the pain to the other side. That is what Hope Street is about. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
leaving isn't an option
Sunday, May 1st, 2016

I can't even begin to explain my situation. I'll try my best to give the shortest version possible. I'm in a commited relationship. We've built our lives together. To me leaving has never been an option. Sounds stupid, I know. But I'm starting to resent her. She does terrible things like steal and lie to her family and pretty much ever job she's worked for. It's gotten so bad that she only has one person in her family that still talks to her and tries to look out for her. He even gave us a place to stay while we were going through a rough patch and she's constantly doing shady things to him....she claims that she'll do anything for me and for us, but the only thing I've ever truly asked from her which is to pretty much stop doing drugs and stealing from the people she claims to love, gets tossed under the rug and isn't talked about again until I bring it up. It's always an argument. And she'll always cry and say that I'm attacking her when in reality I'm just trying to make sure she doesn't lose the ONLY people she has including myself. At what point do I say enough is enough? I can't live the rest of my life trying to fix or turn someone into a better person who just doesn't see the Bad in their actions. I don't want to turn away from her....at this rate I'll probably be the only person she has left in this world As well as homeless if and when he finds out. I also can't stand the thought of being labeled a Bad Person by association. Am I wrong in hoping she'll change? Am I wrong to think of the person I'm supposed to spend my life with this way? Is it even possible for me to look at her in future and not see a shady person?
Amanda Andruzzi
Thursday, May 5th, 2016

leaving isn't an option, if leaving isn't an option than I am not sure how I can help you, help her. The number one rule for addicts is that you cannot help them change, you can only change yourself. I learned that after 12 very difficult years with a high functioning addict. I think you are enabling her and I know because I have been there but if you are not willing to leave the only thing I can recommend is to detach from her with love and go about your life trying to make yourself better. Perhaps stopping all of the enabling and the support you give her will allow her to hit rock bottom and make the decision to change on her own. If she doesn't want to make the change, which she does not, then there are not many ways for you to help her, I would recommend helping yourself instead. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Carolyn
Sunday, May 29th, 2016

I am sick of feeling worthless, not loved and being told that I'm the one that's the problem. My partner has binged on cocaine for years which has affected me mentally and since our second child was born it was getting better but I'm always worrying "when will he do it again" I have recently had a hysterectomy and this has affected my ability to cope with normal tasks and find it hard to cope in different situations and shout a lot in the house. I have asked my partner to help and support me which has now given my partner an excuse to go on a binge. I think that by confronting him about how his binges affect us all but it just makes things worse and now tonight he has left the house. I honestly don't know what to do anymore but want better for me and my children!
tammy
Monday, May 30th, 2016

I have left my addicted husband. I had no set plan ahead of time. I am wondering if there are programs available that can help me emotional ly and.financial ly. I reside in florida. Any feed back will be.valued. thank you Amanda
Susan
Wednesday, June 1st, 2016

my husband has been in a 28 day rehab 4 times. The last one was last June. I just discovered that he is taking a drug that was prescribed for sleep at night during the day. At first he lied and then he admitted it. I am terrified of living on my own - but at the end of last rehab I said one more time and I am out. I think I should seek the advice of a lawyer - financially things are not perfect - but are they ever. I am the total enabler - the reason for his use is he is going on a trip to Ireland. I questioned this trip right from the beginning. I am going to seek advice from a lawyer - should I pay behind his back or pay from our joint account?
Mellisa
Sunday, June 5th, 2016

My spouse is an addict. He's been to rehab multiple times. 30, 60 and 90 day programs. And his relapses are like clock work; I know and see the signs before he even knows or will admit. I've tried everything with him it seems. I'm a recovering addict myself. Since my last relapse I've started college to become an addiction support worker, moved out of our home together (because of his relapses). I've been trying to help and support him in his recovery being apart but it doesn't seem to be helping. He's good for 30-45 days then uses again. I get people relapse, however it's always anticipated with him. Do I just wipe my hands of this relationship in hopes he gets better? Even after all the steps I've taken am I still enabling him by trying to be understanding? I feel like I've come a long way from where I used to be with enabling him and worrying about him. I don't lose sleep anymore if I am aware of his using, before I wouldn't sleep or anything. I'd be obsessing about his well being before my own. I suppose I still am worried about his a little before my own. I just don't know how to completely stop or when to say enough is enough.
Deborah
Monday, June 6th, 2016

My husband abuses me everytime he gets drunk or high off powder. I refuse to support his addiction. I have prayed, I have cried and he threatens me if I try to leave. I love him but I love myself more. How can I help him before he kills me or himself
Jennifer
Tuesday, June 7th, 2016

Hello. I found this site and needed some advice. I am a christian women so I try to put my trust in God but I feel as though at this point I need some professional advice from someone who understands addiction and being with an addict. My husband and I have been together since I was 15 in an now 28 and we have two children together and a step daughter. We both started out partying a lot and he became and alcoholic. I eventually had to put him in jail because of him being abusive towards me from alcohol. After that we have our lives to the Lord. I would always come back to him after so much bad stuff he had done to me. As we grew in our faith some things changed but he switched from alcohol to marijuana. The effects were different but in a while new aggravating way. He would sneak around and lie so he could go smoke, he would be like day and night and a couple times had gotten so mad he pushed me down and sometimes more ( never punched me). I would scream holler and degrade him. I even cancelled our first wedding because of marijuana! I would take the kids and leave but then he would sucker me in and it’s almost as if I would forget why I was even mad? I almost started to convince myself.. it’s not all that bad. Every time I would leave he would beg and be done for two months then go right back again. The latest thing that happened was a came back the day after fourth of July 2015. He stoped for 2 months and Then while I was on the phone with him when he said he was going to one place, I caught him going somewhere else and I knew it was to smoke. So not only did he lie but he also ended up drinking that night! I tried to make it work but all the while I kicked and screamed was mad every day. Because he was high all the time I didn’t even want to have sex and since I didn’t trust him it made for some big problems which brings me to now. He pushed me down. I did get physical first but it was because I was defending myself. It was in front of the children and it was a mess. I chose to leave but have done this millions of times. He keeps telling me you don’t leave your husband you don’t do this and again I feel sick about it, I feel like I want to go back but when i am there I am miserable! I want to crawl in a ball and sleep all day and I turn into an angry mother. He keeps making me feel bad about leaving and then I feel like what if he meets somebody else who accepts him for him and I end up all alone? Why do I feel bad when I leave but literally tear him to shreds when i am around him. Im sorry this is so long….I have been dealing with this for awhile and it is weighing on me. This is just a snippet of my story…,please help.. I also want to add that he is not a bad person.I know I portrayed him as a monster right there but there are other things his does that are wonderful. He tells me I am beautiful all the time, he spends time with the kids when he can, he still works a hard working job, and the funny thing is is i know he loves me, he is a completely functional marijuana addict EXCEPT He can not live without it. Iove this man with all my heart. I sometimes wonder if the only reason he is loving and caring is because he is high? We have gotten in our worst fights when it's become physical when he has been trying to quit. How can I show him I stillove him but can not live this way. I am miserable more than not but still want to work on thia! Is such a sick twisted mess!!
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, June 10th, 2016

Tammy, that is okay that you did not have a plan. I am unaware of your situation but I am not that familiar with Florida and its financial assistance system. If you have children I am sure you can apply for medicaid and welfare but if you are on your own I am not sure what financial help is available. I would say as for some support from your family and friends until you can figure things out. Also, I would join an al-anon group or any support group in your area. They are all free and may really help you focus on you. Please don't give up. I had to find my way on my own and it was scary but it forced me to do it. You will grow and learn and you will do it too. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, June 10th, 2016

Carolyn, You are caught in the vicious cycle of addict and co-addict. He leaves and you threaten to leave and then he comes back and things get worse, then better, then worse and this continues. I have been in this cycle and I know the only way out is to leave it, make a change for you. If you read my articles here, they will help you as will my book, Hope Street. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, June 10th, 2016

Susan, I do not know the specifics of your situation or your financial situation. An addict can get angry and spiteful so I would make sure that you are calm and have all your ducks in a row before you tell him. If that means consulting a lawyer on your own first then that might be a good idea. I would get a plan and then serve him with the divorce papers. I really hope you go through with this because you have no idea how happy you will be in the future, not right away but definitely in the long run. You are making a decision that will seriously change your life for the better. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, June 10th, 2016

Melissa, I am so glad to hear you are actively in recovery. This is a great place to be but if you don't work on your issue with this man, you are at risk for relapse yourself. People, places and things are important in recovery and although you can give back and help others, you cannot force someone, as you probably already know to get help. He will be ready when he is ready and not a moment before. It sounds like you are not moving on with your life fully and won't while he is still in your life. The key to stop enabling is sometimes just to let the person go. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, June 10th, 2016

Deborah, If you love yourself more, then you have to stop worrying about how to help him and help yourself. Being abused is a serious threat to your life, physically and emotionally. Ask yourself if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and then make sure you think this through because this person, this addict you see may stick around forever (even if there are times of sobriety) and it might rear its ugly head even after you think it is gone. You will be emotionally tortured in the times you are not physically and so I ask you, is this the life you want to live? I know, I lived it. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, June 10th, 2016

Jennifer, How wonderful can he be when he is pushing or shoving you, especially in front of your children? How great can this marriage be for your if you are angry all of the time and the children have an angry and depressed mother? You can leave someone if they are doing something that they refuse to change, especially if that something is drugs and addiction. You are going to be upset when the person you love lies and is high all of the time. Being lied to is not something that makes you feel beautiful and loved. Actually he is just like any other addict, words but no actions. When you are a Christian family you don't leave at the first sign of trouble, but if you are hurting the ones you love, you should do anything to stop that. He is hurting you and won't stop and in turn, you are hurting your family with being angry and unhappy. That won't ever stop unless he stops getting high and lying. Your choices are to go back and continue more of the same cycle or stay gone and break it. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
meshelle
Sunday, June 19th, 2016

This really helped me. I have been with my fiancé for eight years and have tried everything to get him to stop. At t he sane time when he made me feel bad I would encourage it so he wouldn't be upset or make the day bad. I know it sounds pretty pathetic but other than his addiction I feel like he is my sole mate and love him so much. I naturally am very controlling or try to be. But really have never been in controlling of anything. This has made me realize I have to look in the mirror real hard and start making repairs thank you
No name
Monday, June 20th, 2016

I can't stop taking cocaine I've tried I need it don't feel like eating or spending time family just want be alone an get the happy flowering feeling from the coke. But day after tired as can't sleep all Night and makes me down til I take again. I know it's a sin I'm Muslim but I can't live without it an I feel paranoid wife is cheating on me I see things in my head. Help me
Poor Sue.
Saturday, June 25th, 2016

This is my !st time writing about this. I've been married 23 hrs and didn't know what I was getting into.We have 4 kids.To make a long story short. I'm at a crossroads, I don'r want him here anymore but the stress over the decades I believe has contributed to me having Multiple Sclerosis. Now I feel stuck in this situation. Ive quit smoking 3 months ago and am trying to concentrate on my health and not his addiction. If anyone has and advice for me I'd love it!. P.S. He won't leave.
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, July 1st, 2016

Meshelle, You have the illusion of control but you are not controlling anything, in fact things are really out of control but by trying to keep him in line you don't have to admit that you should leave. Sometimes the hardest thing to face in all of this is ourselves in the mirror. Don't give up on you, let go of him. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, July 1st, 2016

Poor Sue, You can make him leave, you can call the police and let them know the situation and that he is a drug abuser and you have children in the home. Unfortunately it won't be pretty but if you want out then it can be done. You deserve peace and happiness and the ability to be a mother to your children without the constant struggle of an addict in the home. You have to make the decision to do something and then make a list of the steps you need to take so that you can get there; then make sure you are prepared to execute them! Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, July 1st, 2016

No Name, Stop hiding and come out and tell your wife and family. You need help, right away because those lows you feel will only get worse and you will need more and more cocaine. You need to detox and then get stable with the help of doctors, therapists and people who will care for you until you are mentally stable enough to go home. Don't continue to fool yourself that people don't know you are an addict anyway, they probably already do. Reach out for help now before it is too late. What you are doing to your brain, your health may not be reversable. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
joanne
Tuesday, July 12th, 2016

How do you stop enabling someone who threatens to hurt you in some way(verbal and physcological,and physical)?He won't take no for an answer and forced me to borrow large amounts of money and then complained when he paid only part of it back?
Carmen
Wednesday, July 27th, 2016

This is all very new to me. My husband confessed his drug addiction to me 2 weeks ago and says he needs help getting clean. Little did I know this has been a problem for 3 years now. My biggest anger and frustration come from the fact that we have 2 small children, 3 yrs old and 9 months. So while I have been conceiving and caring for babies he has been using drugs and lying to me for years. He doesn't seem to see the "big deal" considering he has been a functioning addict. He still has a job, a home, and a family. I kicked him out when I found out for fear that his unpredictable and often violent nature coming off of drugs could be dangerous and detrimental around my children. I am insisting that he get into a rehab asap but a lot of damage has already been done especially to our marriage. Every day is a constant battle to keep him away and focused on finding a rehab. I would just like to know if I am doing the right thing distancing him from me and my kids and what to expect in the near future. Will he ever really be "better"?
Dixie
Friday, July 29th, 2016

Hi. I am new to this blog but have already found supportive and helpful information. I am also married to a drug addict. My husband is a doctor and utilizes lies and sneaky behavior to obtain the drugs "legally" through his practice. He uses often and I have caught him at it so many times over the past 3 years. He is still able to work and function on a daily basis....but the lying. He constantly lies to me in order to separate himself and be alone to use. I've asked him to seek therapy, short term rehab, long term rehab....he animatedly refuses. He says that he can stop if he wants to and there isn't anyone out there that will be smart enough to help him. He believes he is better and more intelligent than any therapist available to him. Every couple of months I catch him using...I explain how detrimental it is for his health, his career and his family (we have no children though). I've come to the point where I just don't get emotional about it anymore. I realize that he has to change because HE wants to....I've asked him so many times to get help, but I guess he won't until HE thinks he needs it. I used to freak out, cry, beg for him to stop....but then I thought perhaps that type of behavior is justifying his addition. He thinks he deserves it because he "wife is nuts"....so now I find that I am very calm, detached and matter of fact about it. Regardless, it isn't helping. He is still using and I caught him again yesterday. I will not take second fiddle to a drug addiction. How can I make him understand that? Do I have to leave him? Present an ultimatum? I'm scared of what it will mean....
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, August 1st, 2016

joanne, If there is violence or even the threat of violence, you get out of the living situation, the relationship and go to the police to obtain an order of protection. You cannot live under the assumption that he won't go through with those threats. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, August 1st, 2016

Carmen, It was all new to me too and I had no understanding of what addiction really is or means for a person's future. It is all up to him, unfortunately and he won't do it unless he really wants to. You are doing the right thing by giving him an opportunity to get help because without treatment, he may keep going in circles. Have you read Hope Street, if not, please try to or at the very least keep reading the articles and stories of others in my section of articles. It is going to be a hard road either way, but there are are no guarantees and the only advice I give is that you have to go with your gut right now. You know when things are not right and don't let him convince you otherwise. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Renee
Wednesday, August 3rd, 2016

Amanda, thank you for this blog and for your consistent willingness to reply and provide guidance for these many folks in dire need of it. Hoping you can afford me some of the same. :) I'm 7+ years sober and active in recovery from alcoholism. My spouse of 2+ years (known him for 5+) was originally a sober member of a recovery community but has relapsed several times and has no program at the moment. His opiod addiction is medically managed at the moment with suboxone and has been for years, under a doctor's supervision. But his mentality remains fundamentally that of an addict. Last year we welcomed his 15 year old son to our home. Husband got full custody because child's mother is a train wreck and is across the country. Child is difficult -- tough teen stuff and some acute attachment disorder issues which make it tougher. The stress has been a lot for both of us (no other kids). Husband, because he is an essentially unrecovered addict, has succumbed to smoking pot on occasion. This jeopardizes his union job as well as destroys the trust and respect between us. It renders him a hypocrite with respect to his son, who desperately needs his father (a long overdue role). Here's my question. But for the son, whom I love and have managed to have a positive impact upon (I'm really the only solid adult this kid has ever known), I would have already left or kicked husband out. My sobriety is not in peril, as it exists independent of the actions of others based on my daily maintenance of my spiritual condition. I am just over it with husband; I have exhausted my personal wellspring of hope for him. But there's the son. I have no legal rights over him, but I am his life raft. Do I stay in an unhappy marriage for a couple years in the child's interests? Any interruption to the family unit would be dire for this kid, he's had so much of it and his counselor is working hard to patch it up. I think I can do that, but I WILL enable husband if we are cohabitating. That's just how that goes. So ... which devil do I choose? Husband has been in and out of the program most of his adult life so he knows exactly how and where to get help if he chooses. He is not choosing to now and makes no promise at the moment that he will.
Sharon
Thursday, August 4th, 2016

Hi. I've been married to my husband for 32 years. He has been an addict for at least the last 20. I have come to terms with the fact that I enabled him for years hoping things would change but they've only gotten worse. Now I know it is time to leave. My problem is that I don't have a dime to my name. I had breast cancer treatment last year and have been unable to find work. I really want to leave and start a new life. Any suggestions?
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, August 8th, 2016

Renee, Thank you for sharing with us and I am happy you are able to maintain your sobriety. Spirituality is definitely something that is needed to keep your recovery in check. I hope I can give you some useful advice. You cannot sacrafice your sanity, happiness, and well-being for an addict but I can guarantee that you can gain custody of his son if you want to fight for it. I think what you are willing to sacrafice for this boy is very noble. I woud feel the same way. If you can insist on custody he might just let you have it and if you legally go for custody, you might get it based on the fact that he is old enough to decide where he wants to live and because his father is an active addict. The choice is yours but I think you would both (son) better off without him. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, August 8th, 2016

Sharon, If you have been married to him for that long than you have half of whatever you both have. If he lost everything due to addiction that is another story but you are entitled to have of the assets. If that does not help then it is time to go to family and friends for support. Sometimes putting yourself out there and allowing people who love you to help you through this time is hard to do at first but it might be just the catalyst you need. Being around supportive people is not what you have experienced in your household so having healthy, loving people around you might help you get through this and help you get back on your own two feet again. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Rock-ME-Hard Place
Tuesday, September 6th, 2016

After more than 20 years, this will be the first time i tell anyone my story. My husband chooses drugs over me, his children, his pets, and our home. I say choose because he has quit on a couple of occasions when significant, negative life events happened without any signs of withdrawal. I'm not exactly sure what drugs he uses but it involves those copper scrub pads. He is over 65 and not wasting away so i dont think its crack or meth, but i could be wrong. I am the breadwinner of the family. He only receives a very small SS check and does an occasional handy man job. I've endured his behavior for years to protect the children, or so i thought. They are damaged because of him. I want him to leave, or die, but he won't. I make just enough money to keep a roof over our heads at this point and am in debt up to my eyeballs. The kicker is that i work from home so if i would leave, i would lose my job plus my son has recently needed to move home and there are pets to consider. His abuse is verbal and environmental. He says things that are so vile and hurtful on a daily basis. They cannot be unsaid or unheard. It's like a game to him, like he could go further than saying things like digging up my dead mother and selling sex acts on her. If he doesnt get what he wants, he flips the breaker and turns off the electricity and takes away my dog. He has also put salt in my soda bottle and sprays chlorox all over the bathroom because I'm allergic to chlorine. He gets in debt to his dealer, or so he says, and uses that to extort money i dont have from me to keep us safe. Tonight, i sit here after enduring 3 hours of being berated with so many vile insults, being in the dark and heat, without my only friend (my dog), with the little food i scrimped for rotting in the refrigerator, with heart palpitations due to the stress, and my job in jeopardy. I didnt cave and risk bouncing the rent check as i have done so many times in the past for him. He turned on the breaker, gave me my dog, and said i "won" this time, whatever that means. I'll keep my knife and my dog by my side tonight and if a dealer shows up, i will gladly point them in his direction. Thanks for listening. That alone is invaluable to me at this point.
Renee
Tuesday, September 6th, 2016

Thank you for the feedback! Husband has come to a place of willingness and will leave Friday for a month of treatment at Cumberland Heights, where they will detox him from suboxone and work specifically on relapse prevention. The minute he expressed willingness to go my heart softened and I realized that he can recover -- because anyone CAN recover. Often people don't; that doesn't mean they CAN'T. I have and I watch other people recover every day, so I know it is possible. With willingness, open mindedness and honesty RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. But if you're loving someone who lacks one or more of these critical elements, there will be nothing but pain ahead. Before he agreed to go, I had prepared divorce papers and given him a copy - preparing them was hard but it made it "real" for him in a way my words did not. Now that he's agreed to get help, I will wait for six months after his successful completion of the 30-day program to decide whether to file. What I know is that I'll be fine either way: with him or without him, I will be okay.
joanne
Wednesday, September 7th, 2016

How can I stop enabling my husband when he threatens me if I don't give him money?He gets really crazy mad and violent and abuses me mentally and won't stop until he gets what he wants!
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

Rock me, Please know that the dealer will come after him and if you insist or file an order of protection then the addict will no longer even be in your home. I know it is scary, I have been where you are but you deserve peace, a better life and so do your children. It seems he only detracts from your life and your household and you have to support him. Wouldn't life be easier if he left? You can do this if you want to, though it may not be easy, you can. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

Good for you Renee. I do hope things work out for the both of you but as you said and most importantly, either way you will be okay. Amanda
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

joanne, Do you want to continue on this way? If you don't do something to change things, then they will stay the same. I know exactly what you are going through, the mental and verbal abuse is horrifying but you have choices; you can stick to your boundaries and tell him you will not support his addiction and/or you can leave and extricate yourself from this situation. If he knows you are not going to be intimidated, then he will move on to someone else he can intimidate. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Jo
Friday, September 16th, 2016

Such an amazing read. Married for a year and a half now, and have discovered my husband is using meth/ice. I say discovered because he doesn't yet know that I know. His behaviour hasn't been quite right for a while now. And you know women's intuition is a powerful thing. I did some snooping and found his glass pipe in a small bag with a short straw and bits of sponge and some empty baggies. He goes to the bathroom and takes forever, but I hear his torch lighter clicking away. His eyes are nearly always glassy. We work together and he disappears to the bathroom up to 3 or 4 times a day during work. I know what he's doing. I have since found his stash, he lies about why he's late home when he leaves before me and gets home after me. He never has money and I'm usually left with all the financial stuff. Rent bills food. Im so hurt by this especially since he knows my ex was a heroin addict and everything I went through with him. I sometimes think I'm emotionally done, I feel exhausted and numb. And I don't even know how to begin to tell him I know. I don't even do drugs, but it seems I sure know how to find men that do.
Tany
Friday, September 16th, 2016

Hello, I am married now 2 years, I had been feeling lonely in the marriage for sometime now that I went to a counselor on how to talk to my husband on things that could have been fixed, like spending more time with me, being intimate and attending family functions. It's like pulling teeth to get him to go anywhere and most of the time he says "no you go ahead and have fun" so I discussed these things with him and he said he'd try and work on them. Not even a week later I walk in on him snorting OxyContin, he looks good on paper, great job, nice house all the hoopla. I've asked him if he has a problem and he denies it, and says it's just recreational, but after looking around the house I found muscle relaxers and Xanax too and approached him about those too, straws in the garage and his car. I've asked him to get help, and help for us and says we don't need it that he can stop on his own. All love, trust and respect went out the door when I saw that. How he thought I was going to be ok having to watch him do that I don't know?! I have separated myself from him and still nothing, then he tells me he will go as far as going to marriage counseling but that's it, I badly want kids and now he says he doesn't. There is no family involvement, his family stopped talking to me after our wedding and he wants nothing to do with mine. I'm at the point of divorce and ready to sign papers this has all been in about a month and a week now since the incident and I don't think we can get back to a normal life. What's your advice?
Tanya
Friday, September 16th, 2016

Hello, I am married now 2 years, I had been feeling lonely in the marriage for sometime now that I went to a counselor on how to talk to my husband on things that could have been fixed, like spending more time with me, being intimate and attending family functions. It's like pulling teeth to get him to go anywhere and most of the time he says "no you go ahead and have fun" so I discussed these things with him and he said he'd try and work on them. Not even a week later I walk in on him snorting OxyContin, he looks good on paper, great job, nice house all the hoopla. I've asked him if he has a problem and he denies it, and says it's just recreational, but after looking around the house I found muscle relaxers and Xanax too and approached him about those too, straws in the garage and his car. I've asked him to get help, and help for us and says we don't need it that he can stop on his own. All love, trust and respect went out the door when I saw that. How he thought I was going to be ok having to watch him do that I don't know?! I have separated myself from him and still nothing, then he tells me he will go as far as going to marriage counseling but that's it, I badly want kids and now he says he doesn't. There is no family involvement, his family stopped talking to me after our wedding and he wants nothing to do with mine. I'm at the point of divorce and ready to sign papers this has all been in about a month and a week now since the incident and I don't think we can get back to a normal life. What's your advice? I have also sought out the help of counselors for advice on addicts and even my priest at church and the answers are all the same. Unless he's willing to change there's nothing I can do.
Denise
Tuesday, September 20th, 2016

I swear to god I don't know where to start, I have been with my husband 10 years married 6 we don't have any children together, in fact we don't have anything together , honestly in my heart I know this is not healthy for me, I am jus thankful to GOD that I can admit that this is no good for me I know ( truely know ) that he's not gonna stop , unless He except his addition , take it to God and believe he can change ( and do it )but I do t see that happening no time soon it's now been 11 days since I saw him, he changed his cell number to keep me from calling him jus knowing I would fuss , so guess it gotten to the point he don't want to hear the fussing and I'm sure he don't , because the truth don't need any support , I fast and pray to God for certain things , I have to be honest I KNOW my husband is not gonna stop and in due time he will wind back up in prison, no I'm not one of those who don't want to hear the truth , I'm one of those that's looking for support to help me get pass this and the funny thing is that I feel he's having and living in with another women, why dose that bother me so much ? ( I wouldn't know ) so because I know all of theses things , someone please help me and give me some encouraging words I have to get out of this but I swear to you I don't know how my feelings are do caught up,I'm here crying and wondering everyday while he don't have a care in the world, I calls him and text him so many times in one day that I loose count, and he never answers or respond I need help so bad so if anyone feel they can support me , please do I'm so broken hearted right how can he go all of theses days without seeing or talking to me , why am i the only one crying , hurting and seems that he has jus removed himself from my life completely , please anyone I need guidence I don't deserve this and I would think all the times he's went to jail I was right there for him even when he got out no matter how long it was I was there , I am so hurt and confused help me please
Jo
Tuesday, September 20th, 2016

Well, I did it. We were arguing about money, and him trying to justify where all his pay goes. I asked him, how much do you spend on drugs each week? Well! That was it. He flew into a rage, took off his wedding ring, said i'm out of here. You don't know what you're talking about. I told him I had found his pipe and his drugs. Where? Show me! I had to explain that is found them a few days earlier. Then more yelling about going through his stuff. Then an angry admission that it's not that bad, he only uses it every now and then. Then off he goes in his car. Later he throws his kit at me with a pipe and empty baggies in it and says is this what you want. Next day at work I get an apology, and the same old, I don't use that much, I don't have problem. I'm not addicted. Then off to the bathroom he goes, and returns with glazed eyes. He's in quite the chipper mood. But how's he lighting up when the pipe is at home? On further inspection when I get home, it's not even the same one that I found previously. Then when he gets home he says proudly I'll smash it with a hammer, you'll see I don't need it. So this he does. He must be feeling so happy and smart to have pulled one over on me. That was just the first step. Things are going to get messy, I just feel it. He got so angry telling him I knew, how's he going to be when I tell him that wasn't the pipe I found, and I know he's still using during the day. Now I have to pluck up the courage for the next step.
shona
Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

Yep i am the biggest enabler out there !!! I believe his crap his promises i need a back bone i love him so much he is not only my husband but my best friend he isnt always using gets clean & our life is amazing then relapses. Easily led. I am such a pushover i feel like dirt on his shoe. We only got married 2 wks ago and he has relapsed already. These should be the happiest days of our lives :( im so so devestated. Only for my babys id be dead im not cut out for this erractic life. Im so weak. I need to tell him to leave i do say it & then tell him to stay because im a coward & dunno how to be without him & dont want him to suffer ha how ironic. I need some wise words im keeping this all inside me like a caged animal :(
LISA
Tuesday, October 4th, 2016

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS TO A CRACK ADDICT. TOM WAS MY JR HIGH SWEETHEART. WE HAVE LOVED EACH OTHER SINCE I WAS 11 YRS. OLD. WE HAD A ONE NIGHT FLING BEFORE HE WENT INTO THE NAVY. HE WENT HIS WAY, I WENT MINE. HE ENDED UP MARRYING A WOMAN HE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE AND BECAME EXTREMELY MISERABLE IN THAT MARRIAGE. SOME COWORKERS TURNED HIM ON TO COCAINE THEN CRACK. HE DIVORCED AND AFTER 19 YRS OF A BAD MARRIAGE, I DIVORCED. HE FOUND ME AND WE STARTED DATING, THINKING IT WAS FINALLY OUR TURN FOR HAPPINESS. WE HAD A GREAT FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE, NO PROBLEMS...UNTIL HE DISAPPEARED. I THOUGHT HE HAD BEEN KILLED. I FINALLY FOUND OUT ABOUT HIS ADDICTION. HE HAS WENT INTO REHAB 5 TIMES. HE IS A VETERAN AND HAS GONE THROUGH THE VA ECT.... HE LEFT ON CHRISTMAS EVE 3 YRS AGO..... HE HAS WASTED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WE DESPERATELY NEEDED FOR OUR FAMILY. HE HAS BEEN IN JAIL FOR UP TO 3 YEARS. I STAYED BY HIS SIDE, MY FAITH SAYS "FOR BETTER OR WORSE". HE CAME OUT OF JAIL 5 MONTHS AGO. WE PUT OUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER AND HE FOUND A GREAT PAYING JOB, GOING TO CHURCH, MAKING PLANS AND GOALS, GOING TO BUY A HOUSE..... HE CALLED ME ON HIS WAY HOME FRIDAY NIGHT, ASKED WHAT I WANTED TO DO FOR THE EVENING. I SUGGESTED WE GO BOWLING WITH THE KIDS AND TO DINNER. HE STATED PLAYING AROUND SAYING HOW BAD HE WAS GOING TO BEAT US AT BOWLING. THIS WAS 5:30 PM. AT 6:30 I CALLED HIM TO CHECK AND MAKE SURE HE WAS OK OR THAT HE DIDN'T GET CAUGHT IN TRAFFIC. HIS PHONE WAS TURNED OFF. MY HEART SANK. I JUST GOT A TERRIBLE FEELING HE TOOK OFF AGAIN AND HE DID!!!! HE TOOK OFF WITH MY CAR. SO, I MADE UP MY MIND, THAT IS IT!!! I WENT LOOKING IN ALL THE PLACES I HAD FOUND HIM BEFORE IN CRACK ALLEY HOUSTON AND SATURDAY NIGHT I FOUND MY CAR. HE HAD GIVEN IT TO THE SAME DRUG DEALERS FOR DRUGS THAT HE GAVE IT TO BEFORE. I PULLED INTO THE STORE PARKING LOT AND RAN UP INTO MY CAR, OPEN THE DOOR SCREAMING AT THEM TO GIVE ME MY CAR. THEY GAVE ME MY KEYS AND SAID THEY TOLD TOM TO GO HOME BUT HE WOULDN'T. I SCREAMED AT THEM " I DON'T CARE ANYMORE ABOUT TOM, GIVE ME MY KEYS.' I TOOK OFF, MY MOM BEHIND ME IN HER CAR AND ......I WAS SO RELIEVED. TOM HAS CALLED ME TWICE BEGGING TO COME HOME. I SAID NO!!!! I SAID I WAS FILING FOR DIVORCE AND WOULD NOT ENABLE HIM ANY MORE. I WAS NOT GOING TO HELP HIM, PICK UP HIS PIECES, WAIT FOR HIM OR CRY ONE MORE TEAR FOR HIM. I WAS GOING TO PUT ME FIRST. HE TRIED PULLING THE MANIPULATION CARD, BUT I TOLD HIM TO JUST STOP. I LOVE THIS MAN MORE THAN.....ANYTHING AT ONE TIME. NOW I LOVE ME. I AM FILING FOR DIVORCE THIS WEEK. I MADE HIM SIGN THE PAPERS WHEN HE GOT OUT OF JAIL TO SHOW HIM HOW SERIOUS I WAS. I TOLD HIM ON THE PHONE, IF YOU WANT YOUR LIFE..IF YOU WANT ME...IF YOU WANT YOUR KIDS, YOU HAVE DO CLEAN UP YOUR LIFE ON YOUR OWN. YOU HAVE TO WANT IT FOR YOU MOST OF ALL. NO ONE CAN WANT IT MORE THAN YOU. I REFUSE TO PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD ONE MORE DAY. MY KIDS HAVE SUFFERED, MY FAMILY HAS SUFFERED, MY FINANCES HAVE SUFFERED AND I HAVE SUFFERED SO VERY MUCH . I CAN NOT COUNT THE TEARS I HAVE CRIED OR THE SCREAMS I HAVE YELLED AS I HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS HELL. I HAVE EVEN WANTED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE, THE PAIN IS SO EXCRUCIATING. NO MORE. I HAVE TO GET OUT WHILE I STILL HAVE LIFE IN ME TO LIVE. THIS IS TOM'S PROBLEM AND ONLY TOM CAN FIX IT. HE HAS TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM AND HE NEVER WILL IF I AM THERE TO CATCH HIM EVERY TIME!!!! I PRAY THIS IS RIGHT, I PRAY I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING. I JUST KNOW I CAN NOT DROWN WITH HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. AND I DO, I LOVE HIM WITH EVERY CELL IN MY SOUL!!!! MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU.... LISA
LISA
Tuesday, October 4th, 2016

DENISE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU REALLY ARE NOT ALONE. I HAVE BEEN THERE, HELL I AM THERE. BUT I AM STRONGER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN. YOU HAVE TO GRAB EVERY BIT OF STRENGTH YOU HAVE AND MAKE HIM CLEAN UP ON HIS OWN. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE. THERE IS A MAN WHO WILL TREAT YOU YOUR REAL WORTH. BE STRONG LOVE, LET HIM FALL. FOCUS ON YOU!!!!!! EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT. I KNOW THE TRUE HEART BREAKING STRUGGLE!!!
Shirley
Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

I have decided i can't live like this anymore, after my partner has went thru yet another one off his 'phases' 4 in 2 years. I have always made excuses for his behaviour. But this time I just feel let down and wonder what the future holds for me and our kids. I have made the choice that if he doesn't get proper help, then I can no longer have any relationship with him. The hard part is our 2 small children, where do I start. i have no trust in him to put kids first and make sure their okay. He will smoke drugs and take drugs and drive.
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

Jo, Tanya, Denise, Shona, Lisa, & Shirley, one thing that all of you have in common is that you love an addict. The situation may be different but the framework is the same. An addict and the illnes of addiction is selfish, self-centered, sociopathic, manipulative, pathological, and toxic all rolled into one. And the one major thing you all have in common is that you've lost yourself. I am thinking about starting phone and online support groups in the near future so if you would be interested please let me know. Until then I wrote Hope Street so that I could help you, all of you understand better what you are going through and what you I need to do to get yourself better and out of this situation. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Lori
Thursday, October 20th, 2016

I know I am an enabler but honestly don't know how to stop. Each time i try i find myself just justifying enabling in a whole different way. My husband and i have been married for 8 years . WE have lost our living situation three different times during these years of marriage. I have always been the income provider and now we are in seperate homes renting rooms seperately. I sneak him in my room a lot at which i know I am enabling him. I feel i need to cut him off until he chooses to get clean but then he lies and manipulates me that he is working a program and there i go again enabling him. I feel so dumb for doing it but stuck in this cycle . Sometimes i think its me who needs the help more than him. I just dont want to live a drug filled life anymore. I dont use drugs and just want boring normal.... Work...come home....eat dinner...watch tv and on weekends visit grandkids and family......this up and down i am losing who i am.....my confidence is shot and its all my fault. I cant blame anyone for me being an enabler. I need help.
Amanda Andruzzi
Thursday, October 20th, 2016

Lori, I am glad to hear you say that you are the one who needs help. He needs help but a very different kind. Half the issue with co-addicts is that we don't think it is us who is the problem or part of the problem. We think if we can just change the addict, we will be okay too but if our life depends on another person's condition, then that is a problem. If you need help, get it, ask for it. Find a support group, people that you trust who can support you, therapy, and try all of the steps I have written about in this blog in my 40+ articles here. Don't give up, you can have normal but you have to change. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
It's time
Saturday, October 29th, 2016

Thank you for sharing! It's time to make a change for my children (both under 4) and for me. My eyes have finally been opened and I am able to see things for what they really are. Thank you!
Anne
Tuesday, November 1st, 2016

I am now starting to feel like a fool. My addict spouse played me over and over and I was so naive I let him. All of the scenes keep playing in my head now and I am upset at myself for being an enabler and losing everything. He is in jail now and has been substance free for 6 months. Says he has hit rock bottom and does not want to go back to using. I don't know how to trust this? The bad scenes keep popping into my head like PTSD. I hate myself.
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, November 1st, 2016

It'sTime and Anne, There comes a point when you open your eyes and realize your contribution to the situation. He would not be able to manipulate you if you were not enabling. You have to learn to break the cycle. That is what I am here for; to help you do just that. Amanda Andruzzi
lynn
Monday, November 7th, 2016

Thank you for doing this.. this is the only thing I've read that makes sense. I feel so selfish by shutting the door on his when everyone else (including his "friends) has!
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, November 18th, 2016

Lynn, It is not selfish to take care of yourself especially when you are at the point of drowning. If this relationship is causing you harm how can you take care of anyone becaue as a co-addict I know you sure aren't taking care of yourself. The guilt will fade when you realize that enabling an addict really only prolongs their addiction and if you leave they may hit bottom or end up doing the same thing they did to you to someone else. Either way, it is not your fault. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
April
Monday, November 21st, 2016

I've been married to a meth addict 13 years. I've left and he always begs and swear he is clean. I came back for the last time 3 days ago. He said he'd been clean 6 weeks but told me the truth today less than a week. He has always lied about using but he is finally telling me and himself the truth. This is the last time I will deal with this. I'm so tired.
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, November 21st, 2016

April, You should be tired of this. When you are ready for this to stop I am here. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Leigh
Sunday, November 27th, 2016

I have been married for 13 years and for the last 6 years my husband has been a cocaine addict. For a year and half his addiction was extreme, but most the most part he has done it sporadically. (i think ;). The one thing about our situation which is incredible is he has NEVER told ANYONE about his addiction and I have NEVER told ANYONE about his addition. It's all very secret. We have large home/ cottage/vehicles/ doing well financially but our marriage is a sham. Loveless/ sexless and hurtful. 3 kids 10 and under. I just caught him again doing the drug. I told him last time he would have to leave if he did it again .......and he's still here, .... making chilli right now ! and helped our son with guitar practice earlier. He's no angel. Paranoia, anger, no patience and switching blame to me is constant but my kids adore him he's a fairly good dad. He's here never gone and drives to lessons / cooks /cleans....etc. I almost feel numb - definately stupid. It's just not bad enough to blow everything up and get a divorce - but I have serious doubts that time will fix what is going on. I read some posts about enabling and I realize I am probably doing that. Mostly by letting him stay here. I think I need to get help. But I'm so scared to tell anyone and have our reputation / kids reputation ruined. (He know's this). I am in my mid 40's haven't had sex in about a year now - and I'm miserable. Oh he's also an alcoholic - still finding empty vodka bottles hidden in walls etc. We have settled on drug tests. It worked for a while until I realized he had ordered opiate drug tests., oh there was the stored up urine for tests too. Yup....I'm an idiot! Oh and just today he finally admitted it has been the handy man who has been supplying. Yes .....'it's amazing I can even leave a reply to this blog with my level of intelligence! Think I am going to seriously start reading about how to help me/ go to some classes and focus on myself for a while. Slightly concerned about the money. We are not hurting but have to some day put kids through school and I'm sure he has spent thousands. Has his own business so no boss or demands ever put on him. Life is good for him. Ahhh - don't know what to do. But feels good someone might read this. :)
Christina
Tuesday, December 6th, 2016

Thank you for this website. I'm posting because I'm four months into separation with my husband of 5 years due to marijuana addiction. We have a 4 and 2 year old. I tried to get him to quit many times which always resulted in lies. So I stopped trying after a point and promised myself if he ever hurt the children I would leave. One night he made hash cookies and mixed up the cookies with the children's. Thank God I was the one who are the cookie, not the babies, but that was enough. I called the police and filed for divorce. His time with the kids has been supervised and now his hair follicle levels are zero. I am contemplating going through with the divorce or not. He never went to any drug treatment, he just quit on his own. He has used God to help him quit. My problem is his lack of ownership, he blames me for putting the kids through this and him through this. He says he wants addicted he just likes it. He has never really apologized to me. He says I don't trust him because of my past issues and does not own how he caused the problem. Those facts tell me I should not take him back as he still has the addcits mentality? Should we try counseling? I could care less about him in my life, but missing half of my children's lives for 16 years while they are with him is heartbreaking.
Tanya
Tuesday, December 6th, 2016

Leigh- I was in the same boat except no kids and instead of cocaine it was OxyContin and benzos, and, muscle relaxers. I had no idea and we'd only been married for 2 1/2 years. But he still got his work done, errands, chores around the house and so forth, a great job, nice car, nice house, I still felt lonely in the marriage. No intamacy, we hardly went out for a date, things I though we could work on, until I walked in on him snorting that stuff. I pleaded he get help, so he could stop I have it some time but he didn't budge, I found text messages between him and dealer and found pills all throughout the house. I filed for divorce and moved out, part of me feels free, I don't have to worry about coming home and seeing him dead on the floor, he's not my responsibility any more and then there's a part of me that does worry about him and still wants to go back because I feel guilty in a way for turning my back on him. But I wasn't happy and I had to do what was right for me. There's no good that will come out of living with an addict no matter what and I've realized that especially having a really good friend that went through this mess, she went back 3 times after all the Im clean stories. It's a bunch of BS and unless they truly want help they have to do it for themselves. They have to hit rock bottom before they even realize they have a problem, which is what numerous drug counselors told me. Protect yourself and your family. I worry to but I'm gonna manage and make it. Starting over isn't all that bad, change is good in these situations.
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, December 6th, 2016

Leigh, Where does holding in this secret get you? Maybe outside things look good but I know you are dying inside, just going through the motions, resenting your situation and being the only sane person in your marriage. Sometimes for things to get better they have to get worse. The thing you don't want to let go of is the exact thing you need to in order to make progress and heal your family. I can't guarantee he will get better but I can guarantee that you and your children will be better off either way; they get their dad back, sober or he he leaves and the toxicity of the addiction is gone and you and your children can be free and heal and find a new normal and even be happy. Secrets and enabling only eat away at you and allow the addict a free pass to keep using. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, December 6th, 2016

Christina, if you don't want to be in a relationship where your partner gets high all the time then you have every right to do something about it. Don't let him intimidate you or make you feel guilty that you don't want weed in your home or your children's parent to raise them being high all the time. He won't get 50/50 custody with his history and you need to do what is right for you too. You have the right to be happy so that you can be a better parent. More spouses should follow through with their boundaries like you did instead of enabling an addict. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Sarah
Sunday, December 11th, 2016

To make this as short as possible, am I enabling my husband more by trying to control when he gets his meds, or to let him take them and be out and suffer the consequences?
Caro
Saturday, December 17th, 2016

information about alcohol and drug addict
donatella
Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

Hi, I still don't understand what I should do to stop enabling; I AM more than ready to get going as am fed up with his lies. please i need help to go through this hard situation; have two very young daughters and it is very hard
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, December 21st, 2016

Sarah, Yes, you are enabling by trying to control his addiction in any way. You have to do what is best for you and I don't think it involves managing someone else's medications. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, December 21st, 2016

donatella, get support for yourself in the form of therapy, Al-anon, and enlist friends and family first. The next step is to become educated on addiction and enabling which you can find in my articles. Then you have to stop your enabling behaviors; maybe all at once or little by little but you need to come to a point where you are okay, even if the addict is not. This is about your health and well-being and your girls right now. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
HeIsTheLoveofMyLife
Thursday, December 29th, 2016

I am a recovering addict who is clean but am married to an active addict and we have three children ages 5 and under. He abuses his anxiety and pain pills and drinks moderate amounts of alcohol. He has a bad back problem as well as anxiety but he snorts his pills, takes too much, runs out early, is an asshole and can't cope when he runs out. He lies. He denies his use until I have so much proof he can't deny it; but still only fesses as little as he has to. He has told me he would stop and either did for a while and failed or just hid it more. He has relapsed so many times. I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe him. I realize I've enabled him to use again by not enforcing my boundaries. I kicked him out in spring of '15. He stayed with friends and started going to meetings. We got back together and had our third child who is now 10 months. I'm obviously trying to give him another chance to recover and spare our children, him, and myself from the pain of separation. I told him yesterday that I've failed in my recovery as a codependent and have let his shit slide and that I have to draw the line. I gave him a deadline of the end of the month of January (he may have misunderstood me and thought I meant the end of this month, December) for him to clean up, get back to meetings, tell his sponser, accountability partners, his family, etc, or I would have to make him leave again. I slept late today as I was up very late reading articles and comments here and crying for feeling disappointed and sad that I may have to kick him out again and he really may never be clean and I and my children may never get to have him be clean and healthy. When I got up he was on the phone with his sponsor. He finished and told me he had called HR at work and told them he was in recovery and needed to be allowed to miss part of his shift once a week to be able to attend meetings. He flushed his whole prescription of pain meds he had filled yesterday and said he was going to be sick for three days and asked me to be patient with him for three days. I don't know if this will work for him. I've told him he is the only person who can do this. I am determined to work on just me and to follow through with not enabling him. That may end up meaning I will have to make him leave. I wrote to my sponsor and told her what was going on and that I am going to talk with my mom to explain to her how badly I need to get back to my meetings and I know once I ask she'll take care of the kids so I can go. I feel sad and happy. I feel scared. Things need to change. I don't know how they are going to change or exactly what is going to happen. But I am going to follow through and do my part. I'm going to do the right thing. I'm going to use my logic, not my emotions. It will still hurt. But I am in recovery, and I will own my recovery. I am scared.
L
Monday, January 2nd, 2017

I found out on 23rd December that my husband of 2 and a half years is addicted to cocaine and has ran up massive debts. I am devastated and feel so stupid as I didn't have a clue. We've been together for 16 years and we had recently started trying for our first baby and I feel that he has taken this away from me as I can't bring a child into this mess. He says he will do whatever it takes and wants help but won't talk to me about anything. He gets upset and feels extremely sorry for himself and tries to put some of the blame on me. He has also taken overdoses and keeps telling me I'd be better off with someone else. I'm so angry with him and sick of his temper. I love him and want him to get better but I just don't know if it'still possible as I think he is still very much in denial. He has been referred to an addictions centre so we are still waiting for the appointment to come through. Life really does sucks at the moment and I hope I'm not wasting my time trying to support him.
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, January 2nd, 2017

TheLoveofMyLife, Thank you for sharing here. I know you are scared but you will find comfort in knowing you are doing the best thing, the right thing for you and for your children. You, as an addict in recovery must know that this is on him; he has to do this for him, on his own terms and not for anyone else. You are going to get through this either way, remember that. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Carol
Sunday, January 8th, 2017

I have a serious problem. I am codependent. Married to alcoholic for 35 years. Nothing has changed. He cannot be trusted, lies, steals and will never change. I am 65 years old and this life is taking on a toll on me. Why do I live this life? I need serious help.
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, January 18th, 2017

Carol, It is never too late to change your situation and leave. If you have become addicted to him and your life in some way, I know leaving is hard but I can assure you what you have been dealing with for 35 years has been much harder. If you are serious about getting help then don't wait. Get a therapist, a support group, join Al-anon and confide in friends and family for support. Do it now, don't wait. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Shannon
Thursday, February 2nd, 2017

I need help . My husband is a "functioning " addict if that's what you call it . He goes through periods of being clean then binges and spends all our money on bills. I try to take all the money and keep him from it but he is now demanding he won't be " rationed" his own money. I had a health crisis recently and I am not able to just leave because of money and literally no where to go . I realize that he will never stop unless he wants to but how do I pay bills with him like this ? I feel stuck. Giving him access to money just enables him more and I can't save to leave . I'm desperate I need advice. Please help. How do you keep a man away from his own money ? When it should be going to the household. I just need to find the help to just let go but also need to survive with 2 children.
Kathy
Thursday, February 9th, 2017

I met my Husband on Jan 1st, 2015, he said he was Seperated, from his wife, and was getting a Divorce. He ask me to Marry him, on February 14, 2015, and I said yes. We got married, only 10 months after we met. He used to do Crack COCAINE, and some street drugs, told me he hadn't done that in 20 + years, and would NEVER do them again. I believed him. Well I found out he was doing street drugs again and Crack COCAINE again. His Daughter told him to tell me, the truth. He did, because his Brother he was doing it with, committed Suicide. We lost our Rental, we lost our Business, and became homeless. 10 months later were still living between Friends, and my Parent's. I don't TRUST him. He lies alot. I sometimes think he's a CON artists, because of all the things he was able to talk me into. He is a very controlling, Jealous Man. He complains about me being on Facebook, and always ask who I'm talking to. I feel that I've started to be controlling to him, in the since that I always want to know where he is, who he's communicating with. It's Exsuhusting. Help. My Family won't talk to me, my Daughter's won't let me see my Grandkids or Them. No one has respect for me anymore. It really hurts my Husband. It's extremely hard on me, and it is causing martial problems. My Family knows I'm in a bad situation. What can I do
Danielle
Saturday, February 11th, 2017

My name is Danielle I am a mother of three amazing boys and a 16 year old daughter that came into my life when she was three when I met her father. I have been with the father of my kids for almost 13 years now and for a long time we were happy and I thought there was nothing in this world thatcould have come between us. Boy was I wrong.... For the past 3 years he has used prescription drugs. He has lost jobs, we have had to move multiple times, and we barely get by financially week to week even tho he brings home close to $1000 a week. I have recently found out that he is also using crystal meth. My two oldest have found his empty baggies and pipe he uses to smoke it. I am finally realizing that I am his enabler. I tell myself he has to work and cant go to work having withdrawals so I give him more money. When things get really bad and I threaten to take the kids and leave he promises to change but it never happens. I have always chosen to stay because I am scared he will get worse if the kids and I leave, that he will feel like we are abandoning him. I am also scared to leave bc of our 16 year old daughter she has already lost one parent bc they chose drugs over her. Her father has had custody since she turned 5 and bc we r not married I have no legal rights and dont think he would allow me to take her with me. I dont want to leave without her or want her to think I am leaving her behind bc I don't love her. My mother has found out about his recent drug use of meth and is threatening me that if I dont get her grandsons away from their father and come stay with her she will have my kids taken away. I have already been battling severe bouts of depression this past year and feel like I am drowning with no way to get back to the top for air. I need some advice and have no one close to turn to. Please help
Disgusted, tired and alone
Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

I could write the whole story out but it sounds so familiar to the ones I've already read on here. Married 16 years to an addict who's been an active, high functioning addict for at least 10. We've lost vehicles, our house has been in foreclosure, he's went to jail, facing prison, lost jobs. The list is long. I love him. Always have. But I'm so tired. I don't leave because of money. Plain and simple. I have no one else to rely on. I work but make the bare minimum. No college education. Nowhere to go and can't afford a house on my own. I have three kids. They adore their dad but are picking up on the fact that things aren't right. My life is hell and I feel stuck. I love this man from the depths of my soul but I hate him too. I hate him for destroying something that could be amazing. We tried rehab. He got kicked out. We tried outpatient. It didn't last. I've asked him to go to counseling. He never does. The man I fell in love with, doesn't exist anymore. I still love my husband but I don't think that's enough. I want out and I wish there was more help for women like me. I can't make it on my own with three kids so I stay and our lives are miserable. We have no assets so. Blew his 401k. Have lost everything else. He's even pawned my jewelry and everything of value that was mine. Stolen from the kids. I feel sick just writing this. Yes, in my heart I am done. But financially, I am stuck.
Madeliene
Tuesday, February 28th, 2017

Can a spouse be arrested due to his wife's drug use?
Fruzsina
Saturday, March 4th, 2017

Hi there, My husband has been smoking hashish on and off since we met. He knows I hate it and only agreed to get married and have children if he stops. When he has a spliff he will most definitely goes back for more and of course, he does it in secret. He's known not to pay our rent for 2 months to feed his habit.He used to apologise when I found his drugs but not anymore. I don't want an apology, I just want him to care enough to stop. I would leave him but we just moved to Sweden and I still have no job to support myself and our two children. I was even thought about telling his sister and ask her to have a word with him as they are close, but unsure if it is a good idea. Please tell me how to stop enablin him and what else can I do. Thank you!
hax
Sunday, March 5th, 2017

hi I been wiz my husband for 13 yrs n have a daughter 6yrs.when I married I never know he was a drug addict after a yr in I found out.we moved from home country for 6 yrs to work abroad every was fine never used drugs or anything since we had our daughter n came back life came hell he start again lies excuse.we had money issu I went back to work leaving my daughter wiz him n his mother when I came back it was worse.that was in 2012 .all I work I put in own business so I depend on him to live so ever time we argue he black mail me not giving me my expenses he say he not addict he denied every time he take methadon every so he get energy to work so every 2 or 3 month he relapsed then arguments lies denial false promised now when I comfort him he say it nothing to do wiz me he does hurt me when he doing drugs.now that my bad is bedridden am at my dad place ,still he never happy everytime he put me down emotionally n mentally am drain he take out his frustration on me.I look after my dad my daughter school shopping cooking he just look after the business when he home am stress I just down know how his mood will be.he want everything to be perfect when he is not always verbally abused me n my family. it two week he left I found out he took drugs again he say I need to help him but I try so many time but every time same thing happen.I want him to leave me alone but because of the business we r connected .really fed up can't take it anymore we r building our own house but already told him I won't move in wiz him n he ask to give him a room upstairs so he can see our daughter.It will be the same routine again.please help i dont have any income no one to help if i go back to work n my dad to look after.he not living wiz me but i wanted my own house i work hard to expand the business n he wont give me the house alone I know I can divorced him n earn half but my daughter will loss all we work so hard tocearn really don't know way to do
Maria
Sunday, March 12th, 2017

I tend to minimize everything. People point this out all the time. The state is going to put a restraining order on my husband because I can't seem to. He spent all his money on crack and he won't be able to survive on his own. I fear for him. I am the enabler. I know this. I feel like there is a death in the family. I'm going to lose him. But he's not the person I thought I married. I've allowed this for 23 years. I will allow the restraining order to be done by them because it lasts longer. I'm sad I have to give him up. This all happens in 2 days. Then what? I don't know. I have 4 kids. My husband and I grew up together basically. He's all I know.
Tenn
Thursday, March 23rd, 2017

Thank you for this great blog. Its been very helpful. I have neen married for little over a year to my drug addicted husband. I have managed to minimize arguments by simply letting him be. We have a peaceful life however he is controlled by drugs and alcohol. It use to be worse when he was younger. I am though tired of seeing him throw away his life. I feel i am throwing mine away by being married to him. I think about divorcing him all the time. He is afraid that i will leave him. I have suggested we get him help but he is resisting.
Tanya
Saturday, March 25th, 2017

I am so lost. My husband has to smoke pit or drink alcohol otherwise he's mean and angry. I have no clue how I'm an enabler. I just feel sad and stuck. Sincerely, Tanya
Stephanie
Wednesday, March 29th, 2017

Hi, im Steph and I just need some advice. Me and my fiance have been together for 15yrs & we have a 14yr old daughter. We are both recovering addicts. I have been clean for 14yrs and my fiance has only been clean for about 3yrs. About a month and a half ago, he relapsed so I took our daughter & dog and left for a month and a half. He only used for a week and then stopped but I stayed away for a while. I just recently came back about a week & a half ago and everything was fine for about 4 days and now all a sudden he seems to look high again but I'm so unsure if he's really getting high. Usually I can tell 100% but this time I'm just not sure. This is the 1st time I ever was unsure. I just can't trust him because of this last time he relapsed so I'm not sure if he's still using or if it's just me. I want to leave again but I don't have anywhere to go and I don't make enough money to get my own place. I think I'm going to buy a at home drug test. I just feel like something is not right. If he is still getting high, I don't want to enable him but I'm not sure if he even is. I'm so sad and upset and so is my daughter. We are a really close family. He is my best friend and my daughter is really close with her father too. Do you have any advice?
scar
Saturday, April 1st, 2017

I have a friend who has been in a relationship with a meth addict for almost 10 years. she lies to him, steals from him and decieves constantly. she has severe mental illness because of the drug and rarely ever leaves her parents house-where they all live. Her mother is also a severe addict who enables her daughter and literally commits fraud to keep the addiction going. she was almost sent to prison a few years back for a huge scandal she pulled while working for a bank. This woman is very smart and can jump through any hoop to get money and power. she has financially abused her husband of many years and put his mom into debt once for a scam she pulled on her. He has a head injury from his labor job and is a bit slower so she took advantage of that. My friend and her moms husband support the entire family on their paychecks. Neither the mom or my friends girlfriend work and haven't for over a decade. My friends girlfriend (whom he calls his family and also his fiance) is permanently cracked out- sunken cheeks and skinny as a rail. she has pick marks literally covering her arms and spends hours in the bathtub rocking back and forth mumbling to herself. My friend supports her children from another marriage. I lived with them for a time years ago when I was going through serious health and mental health problems which left me in between jobs. I stayed with them to avoid homelessness and bought food for them. I woke up every morning, cooked her children breakfast, and walked them to school. Finally I called her out on her neglect as she was in her hidey hole either sleeping from a binge or currently on one. she had no control over her bladder and wet the bed frequently. she was hospitalized for respiratory failure at one point and nearly died. she hates him to have any female friends and it took years for her to accept them. These days I think she isn't in love with him, but keeps him around for the money so she dosen't care as much when he talks to me. But whenever I'm in town, miraculously she loves him again and suddenly he has to spend time with her. His phone has turned up missing among other items and they have intentionally stolen his money more than once. What's crazy is that he is sober. He dosen't do drugs and lives a fairly productive life with working full time. He claims to love her and that they are his family, but I have no doubt in my mind that they would drop him if he was no longer deemed useful. Her mom is EVIL and shepards vulnerable people to do her bidding- she literally reminds me of queen ursula. Meth changes people, often permanently. Just today he told me that he is signing her name onto his bank account for the first time. My guts turned. I freaked out and told him not to do it, but he said that she isn't going to do anything bad and shes quote "had the ability to ask for money this whole time, now she can just go get it without having to ask me". Ugh. What's worse is that he actually sees it as his duty to support her family, and her. I told her today that he is enabling her but he will refuse to admit it. He's actually a really amazing and talented person and it blows my mind that he dosent go out and find better for himself.
Shannon
Thursday, April 6th, 2017

Hi. My husband started smoking pot a year ago and it quickly escalated to a $1000-$2000/mo habit. That's a lot of pot. Additionally, the man I once knew has disappeared, as he is simply a ghost most of the time. The lies, the covering up, the coming clean then lying again - this is on endless repeat. A couple months ago I joined a couple local al-anon groups which have helped me to focus on myself instead of what he is doing or not doing or if he is lying...etc. One thing I was sure of was that I was NOT enabling him. Why? I wasn't giving him money for pot, I wasn't driving him to buy it, I wasn't saying it was ok. But what I've come to realize only in the last week is I am emotionally enabling him. This takes the form of things like not telling him when I'm annoyed with how he smells or calling him out on unacceptable behavior because I'm afraid to rock the boat or get into an argument because inevitably, it leads to him lying and me challenging those lies. Or, I'll avoid having friends over for fear they will smell something (fear they will judge ME!); or worse, I'll avoid family get togethers because he won't want to be there (because he won't be able to smoke) and then I'll have to answer questions about "where's my husband?" In each of these examples, I'm taking responsibility for his drug abuse and his emotional reactions. This is making his addiction comfortable and easy because in his mind, if I'm not upset, he's A-OK. My confusion is this: in al-anon I am learning to let go and let god, to work on me, etc. I understand and am trying to work on those concepts. Much of that has led to more inner peace for me but that letting go has also given him the idea I'm ok with things. I am not ok with things! I've just stopped busting his balls about it. Also, I don't believe for one minute that by confronting him he will change. I want to confront him because I don't want to live with a drug addict anymore - this is no life for me. I have mad respect for women who stick it out for years and decades. Sorry - I don't want that to be my story in 5 or 10 years. (Note: we do not have kids together, but we do each have kids and all of them are out of the house now.) How do I know when it's time? How do I make the move?
Amy
Saturday, April 8th, 2017

I am so lost. My husband is in active addiction. I thought he was finally being honest with me. Then I found out he put his prescription DOC into my coffee, twice without my knowledge. I'm hurt, heartbroken, and although he says he's sorry, he's still downplaying the severity of his actions. I know it's a result of the drugs. We have 5 children together. I don't know how to set boundaries. I've finally stopped threatening to kick him out just to scare him into quitting but I don't know how long we are supposed to "hang in there" while he supposedly tries to quit. It's an awful cycle and I feel so isolated. I'm just at a loss :(
Sharon
Monday, April 10th, 2017

Hi my name is Sharon my husband of two years does drugs, he's been doing drugs since he was 26 years old and now he's 46. I been doing drugs for ten years and I'm 44 now. I'm afraid to be alone but I'm miserable in my marriage because of the drugs.I love my husband I think he loves me. I don't do drug unless less he does it. he triggers me to do it what can I do I'm afraid to be alone I have no one else please help.
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 10th, 2017

L, What is happening now? I apologize for missing your post. If you do not focus on you and let him go so that he can deal with his own addiction, this cycle will continue. You have to detach from him with love. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 10th, 2017

Shannon, Get ready because if you do decide that you are leaving you will be surprised at just how resourceful and strong you can be. You need support from other people both emotionally and even if it is temporary financially. You can save some money in a secret stash to get yourself going but eventually you will receive child support and will have to find a job that can help support you and your children. But don't let this stop you, if you make the choice, everything you need will find you. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 10th, 2017

Kathy and Danielle, Why don't you just leave? Easier said than done right??? I have been in your situation and I do know that part of the problem (not the actual use of drugs) comes from you. You are lacking self-love and self-confidence and the fear is crippling you. It took me 12 years, marriage and a child to realize that my husband was not going to change and I was only helping him use and keep up his facade. If I didn't go I was only hurting myself and my child. Danielle, you can absolutely gain custody of his daughter, they won't leave her with an addict and she is old enough to choose who she wants to live with. Don't fear that either, he cannot and probably won't even want to or be in any shape to take care of her. You have to go to court though and prove he is unfit, an addict and that won't be hard to prove. But the fear will stop you, don't let it, feel it and do it anyway. You are worth more than this and deserve a happy life. I wouldn't say this unless I had been in your shoes. The fear of leaving is so over-exaggerated in our own heads, it is the fear of staying that should be much more prominent. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 10th, 2017

Madeleine, Can you be more specific? You cannot be arrested because of someone else's drug use. However, if your kids are exposed to this and you don't protect them, they can be taken away. Disgusted, Tired and Alone, If you keep saying you are stuck, then you will be. If you look for a way out, you will find it. Have you read Hope Street? I had no resources when my con-artist, drug addicted husband left me holding the bag with debt up to my neck and a child but I wanted out and I found a way. There is help, you just have to search for it. Fruzsina, By telling his sister you are enabling him because you are getting involved in his addiction. Walk away, work on you and your happiness with your kids, regardless of what he is doing. And then start something for yourself, get support in a group and then focus on the end goal, being financially independent. You can do a lot when you truly want to. I promise you. Hax, If you are resourceful enough to run a business, probably running everything yourself because it sounds like he is not helping, then why can't you be on your own with your child. You have family, you have your intelligence and you obviously can run a business, get out, as fast and as soon as you can because if you don't this won't stop. Maria, Life or the court has stepped in and is telling you, forcing you to know something else. If he is all you know, I get that, you are just perpetuating the cycle and don't know a way out. This is your chance to change, to find a new life with your children. He is an addict and their is no relationship to be had with him. Tenn, Why do you stay? What are you getting from him that you can't have on your own? when a spouse is addicted and won't get help, it is your job to take care of yourself. Tanya, you can kick and scream about it but as long as you stay with him after you make threats then you are enabling. I was that way, I call it the non-enabling enabler. You don't cover up his abuse but you don't leave either. Stephanie, PLEASE UNDERSTAND ONE THING, IF SOMETHING DOES NOT FEEL RIGHT, TRUST YOUR GUT! You don't need a drug test, you know and he knows, he is just using so he will lie and manipulate. He can be your best friend but right now he is not in recovery and you should know what an active addict will do to continue his abuse of drugs. You can walk away you may just need a little time to get your things in order and make a plan. You need to stop confronting him, you know, he knows and deep down he knows that you know! Scar, Unfortunately there is not much you can do. He is hell bent on being with her. Although if it were me I would report her to the authorities because of her addiction and what she does to those children. This is a sin. To watch their mother like this. It can be an anonymous call but it should be done. Those kids should not be in that house. As for your friend, you can let him know that you love him but that you cannot watch him do this to himself and that you prefer not to discuss things that have to do with his enabling. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 10th, 2017

Shannon, You can leave anytime, the only time to make the move is when you are ready and know that when you leave you won't look back. By not leaving you are enabling him because you don't want to be with an addict, BUT you are staying with an addict. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 10th, 2017

Amy, He put drugs in your coffee?? You are responsible for 5 children and you have to worry about being drugged or maybe he will drug them next. I am a mother and it was rough but I had to leave because of my child. I think once you tune him and his lies and addiction out, you will be able to understand that this is not a situation you should be in regardless of if he is the father of your children. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 10th, 2017

Sharon, Please get some help for yourself. You are not just enabling him, you yourself are an addict. You need to get away from him, find a detox and rehab for yourself and then venture out into the world sober. It won't happen with him or this way. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Dawn
Tuesday, April 11th, 2017

My husband is addicted to coke for years like 20 way before I met him. He is beginning to digust me..He has hurt me by ripping my glasses off my head. Not allowing me to talk and having to 2 watch him sleep for days..Im buying a house if he does not come that will be fine.#65andstillusing
Sarah
Tuesday, April 11th, 2017

Due to my health, My boyfriend is our sole income. He is spiraling further and further into addiction. He only works enough to buy crack and alcohol and apparently his dealer has extended him credit. I am terrified. He says he wants to be clean but that there are no agencies that will help him and even if there were we cannot afford for him to not work. Well, he hasn't paid rent for months. There's no food in the house. There's no clean laundry. He doesn't care. What can I Do? How can he get help while keeping us whole?
Stead
Wednesday, April 12th, 2017

5 years of digging him out, supporting him and loving him. A year clean and out of the blue he vanishes without a word, without clothes or money. The phone I gave him...probanly sold. He could be dead. But it's been 10 days now. I deserve better. I cant live his life for him...his choices are not mine to make or even influence. Yet I miss him. I miss us. I'm worried for him. He deserves better. He doesn't think so. So I guess I carry on with my life thankful for the good times and pray he will find some self love. But...i chose life...i chose me, even though I feel guilty for that...he made a choice and now so have I.
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, April 12th, 2017

Dawn, Sarah, Stead, You have to make a decision, continue living this way because that person will not change or make the change yourself. When you decide that you can commit to making a change that is when a whole new world will open up for you. Until that time Everything you do with this person will be contributing to the vicious cycle. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Sharon
Thursday, April 13th, 2017

My husband been addicted to drugs for 20 years my question to you can I show him your website can he also read these stories for himself or am I just enabling him. or are these stories just for me, to help me.
Maire
Thursday, April 13th, 2017

Hi Amanda I have searched and searched the net for help and I came across your site. It's only now that I realise I've have been enabling my partner with his addiction. I have been with my partner for 7 years and known him as a best friend for over 25 years. He is 51 and I am 44. He has smoked marijuana for the best part of 35 years. I always knew he smoked it, and never seen it as a problem until we got together. I didn't realise how much he smoked, all day every day. I have begged him to stop, he always promises but never quits. We have a 4 yr old daughter who is the light of our lives! When she was born he promised to stop but it has never happened. We struggle financially and have been since we got together. We have had no money and he still smoked! I have borrowerd money continually over the last 7 years. We have had terrible rows, I am at my wits end and have no one to turn to. It breaks my heart to think I may have to leave him but my daughter and I deserve better. She loves her daddy so much and it hurts me so much when I think of taking her away from him, I don't know what to do. I feel trapped. Tonight he has again promised to quit, I am going to give him this last chance
Sam
Friday, April 14th, 2017

Hi I felt inspired by the honesty displayed in your article. I myself have spent years trying to fix my husband and again had the disappointment of finding out he has gambled 16k and has been taking coke. He admitted the gambling but still not the coke even when faced with the evidence. The gambling was another caught out situation then caught out again and so on. My question is about combined addiction - can someone change? Can they do so by treating 1 addiction and no addressing both?
Tina
Sunday, April 16th, 2017

I have been married 10 yrs this yr, and today I told my husband if he was not going to rehab then he had to leave. He has called me several times high out of his mind and it's killing me inside. My husband also suffers from mental disorders and is not a self reliant person. I fear he will die either way. If I enable him or not, and it has been incredibly hard to say I can't watch him kill himself. So far I have stuck to my script the only way we can fix this if you go get help. I will not bring you there and baby sit you, you have to do this for you. A few months ago we lost some one to over dose some one who was like a sister. I had really hoped this would be his turning point. I don't use, I barley drink, but he used my sorrow from the loss of my friend (I wasn't speaking to her because of relapse) to guilt me into enabling him. I guess I'm writing because the guilt how did you cope. Did you fear the worst for him? I do not want to continue this life, I can not continue this life. I feel sick, tired, and I'm over killing myself to support someone who doesn't seem to care. I just don't know how to not feel that guilt.
Phyllis
Sunday, April 16th, 2017

I want out, I'm 49 years old I'm not in love anymore. I'm too old and ashamed to go back home I just feel stuck and ashamed to run home to my parents I can't face the questons. I just wish I could afford to live on my own.
Arianne
Thursday, April 20th, 2017

My husband is a cocaine addict and he’s recently been reaching out for help. He’ll be good for a month or 2 then relapse. I work night shift so at times he’ll stay out till 7am. He tells me it’s because he’s out doing Coke but he’ll never admit to anything else. I’ve screamed, argued, cried, begged, and calmly talked to him about how his behavior is affecting our family and it’s always the same promises. He’ll do good for a few weeks then relapse. It’s a viscous cycle. I’ve found out from this site that I am an enabler, I hardly fall through with my threats and there is much responsibility that I am carrying, but i figuired that this is how most of our relationship has been anyways. We recently reached out for help to my parents and they are supportive, but my husband relapsed yesterday and I’m just sad and drained. I need answers, I need guidance. Im scared we are not gonna make it through this and it scares me that I could possibly be dealing with this hurt my whole life with him… you mention setting boundaries but I need more clarification, for example. If he stays out late again he needs to leave the house. How realistic is that? I just feel so helpless, is appreciate any advice.
Maya
Friday, April 21st, 2017

I am married around 6.5 years, I have came to know recently that my husband is in tabs addiction from 2015. Now, I as I was planning to take a baby, should I stick to my plan or I should wait until he recovered from his addiction.
Maya
Friday, April 21st, 2017

I am married around 6.5 years, I have came to know recently that my husband is in yaba addiction from 2015. Now, I as I was planning to take a baby, should I stick to my plan or I should wait until he recovered from his addiction.
Jennifer
Saturday, April 22nd, 2017

So my husband and I have known each other for years. We both come from broken alcoholic families. We bonded. Drank together for the first 6 years of being together. I quit and it took several years for him to quit. We have been dry for 10 years. Two years ago my husband's job sold .. same job different owners. He had been under alot of stress. New expectations. Well he was introduced to meth. He has begun to binge regularly. Not coming home for days. Then showing up. He is the money maker. I am so terrified to leave. I also have problems with my heart and have an anxiety disorder all my life. At this point I don't have a job. I know that's my first start. I know the answer is leaving. Everyone just hopes for a happy ending. Does anyone have one of those? Do addicts ever get better? The harsh reality is drugs are everywhere. His hook up was the owner of an Electrician co. So sad. How do people operate daily and be so addicted. My husband goes to work everyday and continues to pay all the bills. But when will that end. He has been late several times. He runs the business. I am naturally a co dependent anyway. I was told by a therapist years ago. Is it little steps on bondaries or just jump?
Mandeep
Thursday, April 27th, 2017

M very frustrated and sad too . can u tell me how I can stop my husband from having drugs. I came to know last week about his addiction but he has no idea that I knew his secret. Is there something available like some tablets that I could put into his meals and whenever he goes to take drug that medicine stop him to take with reaction. Please answer
Hope
Friday, April 28th, 2017

In 2009 I found my soulmate. He was charming, beautiful and full of a raw energy that matched my own. It wasn't long before we fully integrated our lives and began our journey together. Two years went by and he confided his 20 year addiction to prescription drugs to me and his desire to quit. He was sincere and I promised him I would not let him fail. For two years I fought with him and tried to fend off the dealers. Things were getting really rocky and I felt like I was going clinical at this point, so I gave him an ultimatum. Get in a program or I am going to leave. I finally confided in his sister; should I leave I wanted someone in his family to know. This series of events was what finally got him in a methadone program to curb his appetite and to help him heal. I felt like I got my life back. No more dealers less lies. I was sane again. I married him in 2013. We bought our house and every stick of furniture in it in 2014. We no longer were lapsing on bills. We got our stuff together and we were so happy. He was working the program at the clinic and by late 2015 he was so close to being completely out of the program. I was so proud of him. Early 2016 he relapsed. My world was rocked. I began noticing the signs again; the money, the lies, the mood swings, and even his facial gestures. There was no question, I lost my husband to his addiction again. My friend my soulmate, my husband, my speed freak. Things were getting out of control again and I demanded for him to sign a release of information at the clinic with my name on it and we started couples counseling. In counseling I began discovering I can't help him. I can't cure him. I can't control this part of my life and I should accept that. In one of my weaker moments I confided this to his sister and she told his mother everything! I have never seen him break so badly. He is devastated she knows about his weakness his addiction. He believes I had a role in divulging this information to his mother. He holds it over my head as a betrayal. He revoked the release at the clinic and now I can't track his progress. I am depressed. I hate my life right now. All I do is sit and stew and the rage and the burning in my chest gets hotter every day. I am angry. I want to give up and give in. He swears I betrayed him and I feel betrayed too because he revoked the release that I had threatened him with divorced over. We are at an stalemate. I asked him if this meant he wanted a divorce he said no. I know this rage is just fear fueled by codependcey. I am so scared of giving him a divorce ultimatum; I don't want one. Plus I don't want to end up in a single mother working 60+ hours at my decent paying job to keep us in the style of living my son and I are used to. I don't want to loose my dogs or my house. I am out of new ways to look at this. New ways to take care of me to distract me from this madness, grow my inner strength and still nuture my marriage. The only thing I can think of is to read codependent no more again in hopes it will help. I really need a fresh pair of eyes on this.
Jackie
Sunday, April 30th, 2017

I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman, and I have set boundaries for myself when it comes to my husband. I won't stay if he is using, and I couldn't forgive myself if I ever pretended nothing was going on. But I always go back. I love him dearly and will do anything I can to help him if he wants it, but I continuously end up feeling betrayed and helpless. He is my everything.. I know how wonderful he is when he's sober. I know he is not himself when he isn't. I've told him all of this many times and feel like he hears me, but I know it does no good if he doesn't want to get better on his own. I know his addiction has no cure and this will be a lifelong struggle for him, and for me if I choose to stay with him. I just don't know what i should do if I have nothing else.
Donna
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

How do you find the strength to leave when you have pushed everyone away and are completely alone? I have scrolled through the stories, and I live all of this pain and torture. I am so angry with myself for staying. The money, my pride, hopes dreams, all gone. I keep everyone at a distance because I am too ashamed to allow anyone to see what is really happening. I am a professional woman, educated, and responsible for so many people's livelyhoods, but I feel like a fraud. My husband is an addict, and hid it from me until his habit became too costly to hide. By the time that I woke up and faced reality, years had gone by. I have no children, my parents are gone, no siblings, and only casual professional acquaintances in whom I can not confide. I am overwhelmed, and just need to take control, but how? His habit has consumed everything.
Mikel
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Hello, I read your article and it makes so much sense. I am enabling my partner but I don't know how to stop. I am, like most people here, writing this reply because I am in a crisis. My partner has been using meth on and off for two years on a regular basis. Right now, he is using on the other room. I hate it that he is and I am so mad beyond belief. Finally, I am starting to hate him more than anything. We got engaged about a year ago. I feel like that was one of the most foolish things I have ever done. We've been together for seven years, and I just thought it was the right thing to do but I don't think it is now. We went to a couple's therapist and that helped us understand his addiction, but now he feels like he can tell me when he is high on meth and I just feel like I can't do anything to help him. Tonight I told him that rehab seems like the only option for him, but I am a college student working part time and I have no money to pay for it. Neither does he, nor his family. I like the ideas of going to Al-Anon meetings, maybe they will help me understand more this problem. He says that because I don't do any drugs that I don't understand, and frankly, I don't want to understand. I think I understand enough, but who knows-maybe I am wrong. I love him, but I wish most days of the week that I have never met him. Is that bad? Do other people feel this way? I am really losing my mind here, between my mom and her cancer two year battle, school, work, and him being an addict I am overwhelmed. I would leave him, but I have two cats and the area that I live you really can't find any place to rent, as it is less than 2% of the rental market. In addition I can't incur any more expenses, as I just got accepted to the university down the street from my apartment. How can I stop enabling him. I feel used.
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Sharon, This site is for you, it is to help you focus on yourself and get yourself better. Showing it to him will only aggravate him because I am sure you have told him how you felt on many occasions. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Maire, Have you read Hope Street? If you keep telling him you want him to stop but you stay with him, why would he stop? Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Sam, I am glad this article inspired you. This is something we should not be ashamed of. However, if you are trying to figure out how to get him in recovery, that is not going to work. He has to want to get help, for all of the issues that make his life unmanageable and difficult for those around him. From my experience, the partner usually wants the person to change more than they do and that is just not the way it works. The ONLY thing you can do is make changes for yourself and create boundaries and if he crosses them, you have to follow through. An addict needs to know that with you there are consequences to his/her actions. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Tina, You are doing the right thing and handling this the correct way but just because you leave doesn't mean this all just goes away. You HAVE to work on YOU! You have to get help to support you through this too. Please read Hope Street, it is the only way I can show you that I understand and I know how hard it is but also that there is HOPE. Don't give up...on YOU. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Phyllis, This is temporary, all of this will end in time. If you go home to your parents, that will be temporary too until you can afford to be on your own. It is okay to ask for help and to accept it. I was very humbled after I left my addict ex-husband and it was the best thing for me. Please pick up Hope Street if you can, you may need to see there is hope and that this is just a journey to get you to a much better place. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Arianne, Please pick up my book Hope Street if you can. Right now you are enabling him and setting boundaries means for example that if he does not enter rehab by a certain date that he will have to leave the home and then when he does not, you make him leave. If he has no consequences to his actions why would he ever stop. We want so much for them to get better but the enabling just actually makes it easier for them to use. You take care of everything and when they mess up, nothing changes. I know you are tired, believe me I understand firsthand that is why I wrote Hope Street and have this blog! There is hope that is what I am here to tell you. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Maya, I would recommend allowing him to deal with his recovery and be in a better place before even thinking about bringing a child into this. A child only makes things more difficult for an addict to focus on themselves and their recovery. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Jennifer, You have to do this your own way, the way you are comfortable with or you will just keep going back. You have to find strength and pick yourself up before you can walk away. You are strong but if you don't believe that and you don't get the right help (al-anon, therapy, support groups, reading materials, etc.) then how are you going to change. If you don't change then why would he? I would recommend dealing with your anxiety issues (i have them and deal with them naturally) and getting yourself to a healthy place, finding a source of income and becoming independent, not only would it help you leave but would do wonders for your self-esteem and co-addictive issues. You have to start somewhere, so here is a good place. Glad you came! Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Mandeep, NO, there is nothing you can do to stop his addiction, like secretly giving him drugs to stop his high. That does not sound healthy so I would recommend getting the help for you and setting boundaries that you keep to with him. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Hope, Codependent no more is a good start, have you read Hope Street? It is my memoir of my life with an addict and I wrote it specifically about loving an addict. I wrote it to let you know you are not alone, I get it and to give you hope. I think you know the answer to your own questions but sometimes it takes another person, a little push and a fresh pair of eyes to get you to open yours wide enough to really see what is in front of you. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Jackie and Donna, You are looking at things one way and I am here to tell you there is another way. You can have a great life, you are not alone but you have to close one door so you can see the other door open right in front of you. I thought the same things, I was going to be alone forever but that was only because I looked at my life through my addict's situation. I had to stop that way of thinking and start living for me. Easier said than done but that is why I wrote my book, Hope Street, and have this blog here, to help others get their Hope back. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Mikel, You are not stuck, you are only stuck because you are putting obstacles in your way. If you want it bad enough, you will find a way and it will be better. As co-addicts we make excuses to stay because we think leaving is harder, creating real boundaries is more difficult, but it is not. we just want an excuse not to leave deep down. The only way you can help him is by helping yourself. You can't go to couples counseling and work on a relationship when he is actively using. His addiction comes first and ALWAYS will unless he wants it not to. This will be a lifelong struggle so I recommend reading Hope Street so you really know what you are dealing with. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the deo book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/+8
Serah
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

I need to end my relationship it's destroyed me once and I loss 17kgs cuse I self sabotaged my self an stopped eating for 3 months in self hate an to scared to talk. I went home to Nz came bk 14weeks later thought I was strong enough to fight for him but he's got worse and says this thatand that but something has to change - the mother is at her whits end and doesn't have a clue wat to do anymore she's tried 9 rehabs one on one as well and he will not go let him go surfing overseas but waves not good enough righT now and it's heart breaking seeing the u killing us! Please any help in Australia this has to stop
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Arianne, I apologize as I think my comment to you was not posted. I do want to address the fact that if you do not create boundaries that you actually stick to then why does he ever really have to change? It is like when you're dealing with a child and you tell them not to do something or they will be punished and you don't punish them and they keep doing that thing over and over again because they know that what you're saying is just words. Do you know what this point that you can make anybody else change or two for them what they will not do for themselves. As co-addicts we tend to do things for the addict that we don't even do for ourselves and that is part of the problem. We think our lives would be worse off without them but how much energy and life are they sucking out of us that we wouldn't be better off focusing the attention on ourselves and other family members. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

Serah, No matter where you live drug addiction looks the same. It may be a connection but as the loved one of an addict we can't let it define our lives, who we are. You do have to let go and let the addict live out their addiction until they decide it is time especially if you have tried everything. The only advice I can give is to work on you, heal, apart from all of this. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
anabel
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017

thank you so much for this. I'm on my path of understanding this on my own and was searching the internet for an assurance that I'm doing the right thing. I always did ask myself why don't I love myself more to understand what he was doing wasn't right and just leave but it is guilt and loving him. But thanks for this post. I'm going to save It to keep myself on track of just let him be and focus on me and our daughter.
Lyla
Sunday, May 7th, 2017

I have been with my partner 6 yrs, we have a 4 yr old daughter. He is an alcoholic, drinks beer every single day, between 8-12 at least, he is also on methadone, and takes prescription pain meds, but he takes his entire prescribed monthly amount in less than a week. And he's not supposed to take pain meds at all with methadone. I decided to split the money so he can see how he spends his, and he is supposed to pay half of bills. He does not pay any of his half though, actually he contributes nothing to the household, and he actually has snuck my debit card and has taken several hundred dollars out of my account in one month, and also "borrowed" cash. I am also paying his doctors fees which he uses to get his pain meds. My question is, since he is clearly unable to pay any bills (and we work together and make the sane amount of money) am I enabling him by continuing to pay all the bills? I feel that I am, but if I don't, then my daughter won't have a roof over her head and electricity. I'm very angry about it all, but I don't see a way out. I can't kick him out, because he had this home before we got together and the mortgage is in his name.
Lost myself
Monday, May 8th, 2017

Hello. I have been with my partner for almost 13 years, we met when we were in HS and has fell in love since. When we met , he was already hanging out with an older crowd and was doing meth. I didn't think much of it bc at that age, I saw it as any other drugs we "experimented with". Fast forward to when I got pregnant at 22, he was still smoking and dealing. He was on meth the day i gave birth and couldn't even focus. The happiest day of my life will always be etched with that ugly memory of him being so high in the delivery room. Still, I stayed. He got arrested when our baby was only 3 weeks old which left me to go to work full time while taking care of her with the help of my parents. When he got out of jail with the promise to change, my parents allowed him to stay with us. It was fine for about 2 years and then of course he reloaded. But YET I stayed &I worse, I hid it from my parents knowing they would kick him out. At that point I told myself I didn't ant to be the one to break our family up. That he'll getthru this. That he HAS to change and he WILL! When our daughter turned 5, I came home from work late and there he was mad as sh*t that I was late. (I GUESS I SHOULD ALSO MENTION THAT THROUGHOUT THE DRUG USE I HAVE DEALT WITH BEING ACCUSED OF CHEATING ALL THE TIME WHICH I NEVER DID---BUT HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAS BUT YET I TOLD MYSELF IT WAS HIM ITS THE DRUGS). anyway, a fight broke out between us and he had a razor blade and threatened to kill himself. That's when I said ENOUGH. Kicked him out of the house--told my parents everything and that was it...or so I THOUGHT. It was hard--we lived so close together have mutual friends and the weak person in me was livid when I found out he was dating casually so soon. I tried my best to keep busy with work and everything but I couldn't stay away. Every night I dealt w my daughter asking why daddy didn't stay with us anymore... my mind was all messed up! I still let him see his daughter under my supervision and boy, did he fool me. The promises kept coming and yes of course I fell for it. He told me all he needed was his family back and then he'll stay sober. He PROMISED! I convinced myself that to be happy again I was gonna try to work it out. Bc what kind of mother would I be as well if I didn't give it a chance right? Well now we are living together in an apartment and it's been about almost a year of going forward and taking 5 steps back. He's good then he isnt. And I'm staying bc of a lot of reasons. If I let him leave his will I pay for this apartment? If I let go, do I really deal with the "I told you so" from my parents? Yes I work I work VERY hard but with him helping me pay w rent (WHICH I HAVE TO FORCE OUT OF HIM NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT I ALWAYS HAVE TO GET TO HIS CHECK FIRST BEFORE IT GETD BLOWN ON GOD KNOWS WHAT)---my only option would be to go back home. What if he gets sober and gets with someone else and treats them so good? What would thatdo to me? That would break me so bad. I don't know what to do. This sounds very very shallow even admitting this but I'm mostly scared to let him go because I'm scared he'll find someone else. He was my first and only love. I don't know if I'll ever find someone else. It's because he is such an amazing man when he's sober. A great father. But completely opposite when he isn't. He's distant, irritable, mean, and he cheats. I guess what I'm saying is--what if? What if the moment I leave again he finds someone else so fast? And loves them the way I longed to be love by him? What if he changes for HER?! Why am I not good enough? At this point, I don't know if I'm ready to leave I can admit that. I take it in because it tears me up thinking of all these what ifs. How does someone get sober for about 2 weeks or so and then just go back? It's like dealing w a Dr. Jekyl and mr Hyde personality. Why cant he see that on his own? How dodoes he realize it and just doesn't care? Or does he really not see how different he is sober and not? It breaks my heart because our daughter loves him to death. And I have never bad mouthed him to her..in fact, I always make excuses for him and always tell her to love daddy and be patient with daddy. But lately, I can see ME losing it. IM irritable and it gives a bad perception to my daughter because in her eyes, I'm mad for nothing. She's 7 now and isn't getting any younger. Sooner or later I know she's gonna realize everything. Will she hate me for staying or leaving her dad? I don't know what to do here. :(
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, May 8th, 2017

Anabel, Lyla, Lost myself, Thank you for your comments and I am glad that this article was here to help you in anyway and hopefully resonate with you and what you are going through. I highly recommend reading my book, Hope Street, because I wrote it when I was in the midst of a similar situation, with my ex drug addicted husband and our daughter. It is really important for me not to tell you what to do however, I can give you my experience, educate you on co-addiction, and give you insight as to what you are dealing with. I have use the term Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to describe my ex-husband many times because it was the only way I could describe to people his behavior. Once you are ready to get better yourself and to move on from this, I can be here to help you but until That time, you will keep going in circles with this person until you break the cycle. That's why I wrote Hope Street, to help you understand that I know what you were going through firsthand, and to show you the light at the end of the tunnel. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
T
Monday, May 8th, 2017

My husband has been on a don't care attitude with me for a while. It came this year February 2017 that he been smoking crack and weed from his close cousin. I'm still shocked and I still haven't told him what I know. His behavior is out of control and I been finding knotted up plastic like it was crack in it. I'm so consumed with trying to catch him in the act insteAd of telling him what his cousin shared with me about him. I just want to run and take my children far away from him. I'm mentally exhausted.
Skye
Tuesday, May 9th, 2017

Hi I have moved out from my husband and taken the kids. He blames me and says that I want to be single when no, I want my husband but I don't want an addicted husband So what do I do now? Ignore him, talk to him? It just goes through one ear and out the other
Sheryl
Friday, May 12th, 2017

Thank you. I dont think I have a problem with being alone, but I do feel pity for him. But I'm at a point now that I no longer care; I care more about myself. I wil miss my funny husband, but I'm not helping him if I don't change. I have to help myself first, create my own sanity. Does leaving the spouse help the spouse? Cocaine is a selfish drug. And leaving the addict appears to be the same. I guess we’re all responsible for ourselves. We’ve been married for 6months, together for 4years. I think he thought if we married, he had something to live for then convinced me he’ll never go back. He’s been trying to stop on his own, but that last for a few weeks at a time, then he binges for a few days. I don’t want to be that person who to allow 5, 10 or plus years go by as the enabler, full of stress and sadness.
Annie
Saturday, May 13th, 2017

Thank you for this wonderful article. My partner has been on and off heroin, in rehab before I met him and was clean almost 4 years just before he met me. He had just started smoking heroin again weeks before we met in January 2016. He told me used to use heroin but was clean now. In July he moved in with me & didnt tell me because he thought moving in with me & my children would stupidly give him the responsibility and desire to change. It didn't!! In September 2016 he told me he'd relapsed but played down how serious it was and I believed him. He then got help and support from a drug worker and was on subutex but by Xmas 2016 had stopped taking them and relapsed again!! I didn't find out until February 2017 at which point I kicked him out devastated thinking he'd never change. He's proving to me that he is taking it seriously this time. He says he's got a different mindset & attitude to getting clean and his voice and honesty are convincing me so far. I'm meeting his councillor with him in a couple days as he wants me there to hear everything & ask any questions I have. He's being much more loving & is really trying with all he has to save our relationship. What's it like to be on subutex? Can a person still live a functioning normal life & relationship? What's it like as the addict comes of it? Is home detox a good idea or just so painful it causes relapse? Any honest thoughts anyone has even if they sound harsh I would really really appreciate. Thanks for reading all this Annie
Diane
Sunday, May 14th, 2017

He has been smoking meth for 4 years. I just gave him the choice of rehab or I was calling the cops, when he said "go ahead call the cops" I did. he left before they got here. Then came back, then on the advice from his lawyer checked himself into rehab for 3 days to detox. Today he checked himself out and I don't know where he is. What are my enabling behaviors? He is most likely facing charges but we havent heard anything yet from the sheriff or police.
Tanya
Thursday, May 18th, 2017

Hi, I have just read your article on how to stop enabling and wow. I have being enabling my partner without even knowing it. What an eye opener. My partner is an ice addict, I have been trying to help him. So I thought I was but I've have been enabling to continue using ice. Just a week ago there was an incident where I jas to involve police and get a restraining order on him. So since then there has been no contact but now I see that as a good thing cause Iam no longer enabling him.
Mary
Friday, May 19th, 2017

Hello what a great blog. My husband had back surgery 6years ago. He was given pain killers. He has a very physical job and could not do it without the pain killers. I accepted it till the day I found out he was having an affair. It lasted 3 months and if this woman husband didn't call me to tell me he probably would still be with her. I at that point 3 years ago that not only was he an addict but cared only about the drug and not his family. I have been putting up with it for 3 long years because of my children but can't take it anymore. Help
Kathy
Friday, May 19th, 2017

My 38 year old stepson is addicted to pot and gambling. My husband and I have watched him cycle through losing all his money on a bet, getting evicted, depressed & then saying everyone would be better off if he were dead over & over again. My husband feels sorry for him and tries to fix (or enable) things. Tony has a job during the football season picking up and dropping off the "cards" to the bars who participate. Last year he took all the winnings and gambled them away. My husband loaned him the money to pay it back allowing him to still be able to have this job this past year. When Tony has a crisis his dad, Bob, makes deals with him like, I will pay this month's rent if you go see a counselor. His dad asks a friend he knows to be Tony's counselor. Tony goes one time and says he is going to go again and then never does. Bob has done the same thing with Tony going to a AA group. Tony goes and gets what his Dad said he would give him and never goes again. His dad asked a friend of his to give Tony a job. Tony went to apply and when they asked for a drug screen he just got up and left. Tony was evicted again a few months ago and is living in a one room shop where he makes tee-shirts. He has access to a toilet but no shower. He posts on Facebook: Will trade tee-shirts for food (I believe for his Dad to see and feel sorry for him) and his Dad tries to have Tony over at least once a week to feed him good food and send left overs. I've said nothing to that but knew inside my heart my husband is back to enabling. But now his son wants to shower over here. I said I was not comfortable with that and needed to draw a line or boundary or limit on him being over at our house and in meeting Tony's basic needs. In fact, providing a shower for him just makes it easier for him to stay in the situation he is in. My husband just felt he couldn't tell Tony that and it would hurt him too much. So I did. I was to the point but not mean. I said I was not comfortable with him showering here. I liked that our 3 grown children were out on their own and enjoyed the freedom and privacy of this stage of my life. I told him it is not my job to provide you showers and that was a basic need he needed to fulfill. I said i felt it would be enabling him. I told him he has made choices that have brought consequences that I don't feel like fixing for him. That was his job. I then ended with "Please find somewhere else to shower. Planet Fitness is only $10 a month." I received a text back, "Please don't text me again. We have nothing to talk about." I told him that was a deal. He stays away from my house and i will not bother him at his." (I didn't say stay away from your dad.) Well, the next night he sent a copy of my text to my 28 year old daughter in California and added, "I feel like everybody would be better off without me." She contacted my other daughter (25) in town to check on him. Molly called and texted him by phone. No answer. She went to his shop and his car was there. She pounded on the door and called his name over and over again. She called her Dad (my husband) in tears not knowing what to do. He called and texted and then went over there. Bob went and found the manager of the building and they had someone come from another town with a master key to get into Tony's room. Bob and Molly (and I at home) were all waiting and hoping he was alive. My husband said, "I didn't know what I was going to see when they opened the door and it was dark and we could see his body laying there." He hadn't attempted suicide. My husband cried and stayed for 3 hours and then came home and made sure he told me that Tony said my text to him was what put him over the edge. I'm just going to say it. I think Tony is a huge manipulator. I try to set a boundary and say no about something and he tries to turn my husband and daughters against me by making it look like I am cold and cruel and drove him to want to kill himself. If you knew me, I am very compassionate and kind overall but I am very guarded toward Tony and careful because I can't trust him. If you are "too nice" he will try to get all he can from you. Anyway, my husband wants him to set up a counseling session with the same counselor. I say he needs inpatient treatment and had asked Bob to do a Christian Family Intervention but he did not even respond to my suggestion. That means no. Now the daughter in California is upset with me. My husband was upset with me and my daughter here in town and I aren't talking. We're not talking about it or fighting but I she doesn't know how to say no either because would never want someone to think she was mean. She has loaned him her car, money, let him shower at her apartment, picked up tee-shirts for him, etc. Neither my husband nor daughter are well-versed in enabling. I have a Master's Degree in Family Counseling (but never sought a job in it) and took classes in drug and alcohol use and abuse. I've had it. Now I'm not just against him showering here, I'm against him being in my house at all. I don't even want to see him. (There are many more issues with the mother of his child. He picks his 14 year old son up and asks him to go get him a bottle of water, or left-overs, or tissue paper from his Mom's house. She put a stop to it and he says he hates her for it because she denied him water. And he is not paying his child support. Says he needs every penny yet heard him talking to his gambling buddy about his most recent bet!) It's just crazy. My husband tells me I don't love Tony. I've had it! I think about how I could get away from all of this. I've asked my husband to get help for enabling. He didn't like me suggesting that. It's like if I said it then he didn't want to do it. Now what. When you take a stand Tony tries to turn your world upside down and nobody seems to have the backbone to stand up against him but me. Nobody seems to see how sick and wrong this all is. Sorry this is so long but it seemed like you were willing to take the time to read and answer. Do I have to leave my husband to get away from all this?
PJ
Monday, May 22nd, 2017

I know I have been a enabler. I husband been using for the last 14 years He just lost his job .we have a house I don't want to move out of my house . I do things like bring him food .smokes he says nothing to me it is hard .but I don't want to live like this any more. He says he is sorry .i don't feel married any more. He just a car .he was in treatmentJan
Christina
Monday, May 22nd, 2017

Hello, thank you for posting this. I'm reading through the comments, etc and I know I'm not alone in my situation. I'm on my second marriage, blending 5 kids (now 24, 19, 16, 14, 10) today's actually our 7th wedding anniversary and I'm struggling with a mind/heart battle. My husband was a recovering addict when we got together, clean for about 3-4 years.. we married, bought a house and are raising our family the best we can. I started to feel like he was using again about 3.5 years ago, of course he lied and manipulated me into thinking I was the crazy one. Last sept, the proof fell out of his pocket. Since then, the devil has been let loose. He is a completely different man.. and I don't recognize him anymore. I know that I need to get out of this situation, but have excuses as to why I cant. (Don't want to break up the kids, can't afford to live on my own, our house isn't ready to sell, etc.. etc..all the way down to the fact that I have 2 pit bull dogs, that I'll most likely have to get rid of (which breaks my heart) but trust is gone. Things he says or does is unattractive. He has "friendships" with women and give them time that he should be giving the kids and i. I know our marriage is non existant. I know our friendship is lost. We have rarely gone 24 hours without an argument of some kind. In all honesty it's just so difficult to take the plunge. To take action. (By the way, I've been down this road before. My ex husband is a meth/heroine addict and is currently in prison-father of my 2 children) I know the routine, I know the outcome, I know I'll be ok... but it's very tough to stick with a decision. I appreciate knowing that you are in support of women that have or are going through things you've seen yourself. Thank you for that. I'm going to check out your book as well. Best regards.
Jacqueline
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2017

i need help please my husband is 43 n has been addicted to meth since he was probably late teens early 20's we have been together for almost 13 years n he has been only clean from meth 3 years of out relationship n then relapsed n was back on it he went to prison for meth in 2010 n got out a year later n went straight back on it n has stopped for as long as maybe 8 mo n now he's back on it again I continue to stay with him cause I love him with all my heart n think he may finally kick this but hasn't I have 3 kids he has 1, I have a daughter 23 and 2 sons one 20 n 17 and the boys live with us n we have 4 grand children he has one by his daughter which he doesn't see because of his continue drug use n my kids are very tired of it as well we all are his mother is a very BIG part of enabling him if he doesn't come home he goes to his mommas n she babies him n just sweeps it all under the rug I let him have it I tell him how I feel n that we all know he continues to yes meth even though when u ask him he says he's not but it has took its toll on me n the kids where I cannot deal with him like this anymore but I don't know where to start I need help
Maria
Wednesday, May 24th, 2017

Hi Ive been married for 11 years. My husband had drug adiction problem bfore I met him! When I met him he was not using drugs and I guess I was not well inform about the drug situation n I was complete sold out for his way of be a nice person! So first years he start drink... I had a stroke n things got really bad for 2 or more year... but then with some help he got better! I tought we could have a normal life... long story short about 2-3 years he start again on drugs meth... iam sick n I was not ready to leave him I started put bounderies n I decide leave him! He is involved with bad bad people.. selling drugs and on business of stealing. He has been threatening me n I was afraid to leave him! Next week I am moving to my own place! He is really mad! N I don't know how to keep him far away from me! I tried. Before leave him... but I was not successful! Iam afraid of him do something to me or my family! Afraid about the. Af guys around him... they hate me bcauz I had to call police many time to keep them away from my house! Police is not helping me! Is a lot going on... my question for you is? How can I get help to myself.. where should I go bcauz iam really hurted n not knowing what to do! I tried cora n many other people to help me! Is not working! They did not have a psicologist to help me! Police can do nothing anymore! Even though they know he is involved in selling n car jacking! Iam having health issues n he even was taking my medicine for pain tô Sell... I had to ask the doctor to prescribe another medicine even though work less so I can handle with my muscle pain. Iam 49 years old n not capable to go try my life in another city. Iam stabilize here with my own business. And iam from Brazil but I cant go back bcauz of the violence there! I am a victma of violence there 2 family members killed... he abuses me a lot emotionally n I don't want anymore to live like that! I loved him a lot... but there is no more love! Iam tired of feel sorry for him n tried help him... I figure out I was enable him big time. Iam ready to leave all I think all day is to be free n away from him...
SHELLY
Thursday, May 25th, 2017

I find myself in this situation, when I never in a million years would have pictured myself here. It is so easy to tell myself I KNOW what I should do, and I KNOW I myself need to make changes. I ask myself your listed questions daily, and I just want to slap myself. Why am I allowing him and his choices to have power of me and make me feel so worthless when I know deep down I am a priceless human being. I have been an amazing wife and woman but his selfishness has controlled my life for 5 years. When hes clean and sober a month here or a month there I see the person I fell in love with and it gives me hope. But my fear is.... when do I know when to say Ive had enough? I took my vows seriously, but when is it time to say no more and put myself first? He needs help, so I feel guilty for trying to focus on me, but because of him I need help too. He has made me lose my spark and my will power. I feel like Im at my breaking point with no one to talk to because I dont know anyone who can relate to me or my problem.
Trish
Thursday, May 25th, 2017

my husband has an addiction to vicodins and when we don't have them for six months he's is fine but when he is able to get them he wants me to go and bring him to fill it. I get such a stomachache what's yor advice
Debbie
Friday, May 26th, 2017

Smoking marijuana every 4 hours, sleeping, playing video games until 2am everyday. Thats what I've been experiencing for the past year and a half. Secrets, lies, manipulation,being blamed for his behavior etc. I'm at the point and dont think I can make it on my own. Im lonely cause doesn't communicate with me and we are never intimate cause hes either passed out from the drugs everyday.
Renae
Friday, May 26th, 2017

This has been very helpful, thank you. Two days ago my new partner (6 months) had a bad car crash after binging on valium. His daughter confided in me that he has had this addiction for 20 years and has taken almost a bottle a day, but most of the time he is so high functioning that he fools everyone around him, including Drs & work collegues, everyone loves him! but those who really know him are hurting, angry, sad, fed up & confused about what makes him do it. His house and life seem so 'together', so clean and tidy, but if you look a little deeper you find some very strange things in his home from his last binge like cups in the oven with old food in them, reading glasses and old pill bottles in the dishwasher, and practucally every drawer, bag, box has old empty pill boxes/bottles (codeine, valium & endone). I'm now aware of this addiction and how destructive it is, I'm aware of how I have been manipulated by him at times. Two of his past girlfriends tried to contact me to warn me but because one of them would like to get back together with him I refused to believe her about it all. I don't believe I have knowingly enabled him in his habbit as yet. We live 3 hours drive apart so that is helpful in some ways for me, but it allows him to binge after work with no one knowing the truth.. He is so desperate for attention, sometimes like a black hole! One evening we had a 10 hour phone call, I was exhausted! He has no boundaries. I have some weak ones, but I'm aware I need some guidence with boundaries here. I don't want to give up on our relationship but I'm beginning to understand that really it isn't a true relationship because he isn't just the nice man I fell in love with at the start, he is also equally a very destructive person who refuses to see how his constant lies and dangerous binging is hurting everyone around him. He lies about things he doesn't need to. Tied to the shame he fells, he lies to make himself sound more, better, bigger, richer than he is. Given that we are three hours apart and that his daughter (age 22), parents and siblings are all completly fed up and exhausted do you have any advice becides run?
Arlys
Tuesday, May 30th, 2017

We have an adult married son, who was an addict, using Marijuana as his drug choice. He was in treatment years ago and had been well for a time. Started using alcohol and this seemed to slip back into pot. According to his wife he has been using again, but this time he is going back and forth from alcohol to pot and now meth. He says he isn't using but we have been down that road before. His wife is a typical enabler, telling him he needs to stop or she will leave. But she is there when he comes home from work every day. I have encouraged her to go to AlAnon. She says she was going to go and told him so. He said, "why are you going I have stopped using". So she says she doesn't dare go because he will get angry with her. She seems to feel that my husband and I can tell him to quit using and he will. I wish it was that easy. My husband warned him about the dangers of using meth and told him he needs to be aware of the lawful conseguences if he was ever picked up while driving. And told him we wouldn't be able to bail him out if he did get into trouble. We have reached out to both of them, took them out to lunch and things seemed to be fine. Not living in the same house as they do I don't know about anything that goes on in it. I know they both need to get help at this point. I have told them if they need any mental or physical support we will be there for them. But as I see it the wife needs to take the first hard step.
Geena
Tuesday, May 30th, 2017

I'm 8 months pregnant and have never felt more lost than I do now. I would say my partner but we haven't been together for a while we don't live together or connect like we used too. When I met him he was on drugs I didn't realize how big the problem was at the time though. I did take them occasionally but now that I'm pregnant I have completely cut them out and obviously expected him to do the same but he hasn't. He's addicted to Valium and on Mother's Day I found out he was on heroin. He has since stopped heroin but Is back on Valium now. He's saying I'm paranoid and it's all in my head that's I think he's taking them but he lies all the time about taking them and then a few days later admits he has. Ive felt bad for him because I want him to have a life with his daughter but I can't see any way he can be now because literally every week we are going over the same argument and nothing's changing. His mum knows all about it aswell and he's living with her but she just ignores the problem and acts like there isn't one. I've spoken to her about this but she just says aww he will be a good father but I don't want him any where near my daughter because he can't stop taking drugs. I feel guilty for stopping him from seeing her because I don't want him to not be part of her life but I don't see how I've got a choice now because he's pushed me to doing this all he does is lie I don't trust him anymore. I really don't know what to do. I think I should tell the midwife about his drug taking and go from there? This article makes so much sense to me I had a feeling I was part of the problem. Now I realize I need to put my foot down and do something about it so thank you so much
Anon
Thursday, June 1st, 2017

Don't forget the rx's given by the states now permitting legal marijuana usage. My husband has one and its tearing our family apart. For three years now his "medicine" has been draining our savings but he suddenly NEEDS it and of course is so pleased and has become a legalization advocate. Legalization of marijuana is ruining my life. It gave my addict a legal excuse to reactivate his addiction to drugs. He had almost 30 years of sobriety prior to states legalizing marijuana for recreational and medical usage. It makes me feel sick inside. I know he's just sick with addiction but its overwhelming that my state co-signs his addiction. I feel shut out by our government and everyone around me. I feel like no one really understood what was at stake; they couldn't really understand it unless they lived with an addict....and they still don't unless they live with an addict. It is HELL.
Marina
Wednesday, June 7th, 2017

My name is marina. My husband is addicted to that synthetic marijuana. It has consumed his life time and time again. Every time he gets sober he begs me to take him back and I do knowing that nothing has changed and its just a matter of time before he goes back to it. I have no other help other than him. He watches the kids as I work because without him doing this I would have no one to watch my kids. When he goes on his binges I dread that call from county jail saying he's there so I pick him up from wherever he is at and bring him home so we can avoid that situation. I am tired. I have doing this for almost 6 years. I'm only 26 but I am mentally emotionally and physically tired. I want to leave him but I know he will never let me be happy. If I let him go out and do his thing and get locked up again then Im screwed out of a job because I have no one to watch my kids. I need to get out of this. Please any advice would be helpful.
Bobbi
Thursday, June 8th, 2017

This year will be 15 years of myself and my children living with my husbands addiction. I have given him chance after chance and watches him continue to go back to his addictions. I have recently asked him to leave the house because of his addiction. Now he is telling me I don't love him because I won't stick with him in his hour of need. I know that I love him but I don't want to anymore, I'm tired of being hurt. How can I do this with love? Is there any way to make the changes without making him feel like I don't love him?
april
Saturday, June 10th, 2017

I have been married almost 4 years to an addict I knew he had problems with drugs when we met and has gotten better as time goes He will go thru cycles of getting completely sobor then go back to doing something here or there He has never put us in a financial problem and doesnt do it in front of the kids but it bothers me He will do great for a little while This last time he was completely sobor and got a kidney stone He had never been in so much pain before then dr perscribed loritabs of which I asked him if it would be a problem he said he was in pain the next day he passed the stone and was feeling better but continued to take them I asked that he thro them away he didnt so i flushed them. He didnt confront me until the next day and accused me of being controlling and wanting to argue then told me it didnt bother me at work while he was taking them of which it did He told me he was just having fun it wasnt a big deal and hasnt spoke directly to me all day. He is a great father but when it comes to me he is bad about showing affection he makes smart remarks about comments I make about loving him I dont know what to do I love him and am a christian woman I have supported him and invited him to church I have never made him feel bad about doing anything I have tried to support him in recovery I dont feel loved
Shania
Sunday, June 11th, 2017

I'm 17 and my partner is a lot older then me. We been together for almost 2 years. When we first got together he had nothing and was basically living on the streets with no money. I couldn't see him on the street as I started to fall for him. I got myself the money I needed and got us a flat together and then he got him self a job we were doing fine till couple of months later. He met this women at work who took drugs and he started taking it. He was taking it all the time spending all of his wages and left us with no money. He promises me he won't take drugs anymore but if he goes out with work mates he tells me and swears to me that he won't do drugs but he does end up taking drugs and trys and hides of from me. The worst thing about it all is when he lies and betrays my trust that really hurts but he still Carry's on taking drugs. I love him and I can't see myself with out him but the way he treats me is so disrespectful. When he takes drugs he becomes violent and ends up going mental. He hurt me serval times as he gets angry and nasty on alcohol. He has an addiction to alcohol he has to drink every day. I feel like what am I doing wrong I gave him back his life. Iv payed for our new home and all the furniture I always pay for food shopping and other things we need but all he spends his money on is alcohol and drugs. He goes to work all week and then leaves me on my own all weekend and stay out all weekend. I feel like what's the point in this relationship but I love him and I can't help that and I don't have the courage to leave him. I really don't know how I'm coping with all of this at my age. Iv lost weight and my hair falls out due to him causing me stress all the time. He dosnt allow me to see my mates and haven't seen them for a year. He says I control him but if I was controlling him then he wouldn't be out all weekend. I really don't know what to do I hate being a alone and I love him. Everyone says to leave him but its not that easy. Someone please help me and give some advice please
Mina
Monday, June 12th, 2017

My husband has been taking crack cocaine for most of our married life 25 years approx he pays for his own habit as he works but I can no longer be with him as it is embarrassing an my children even though they are grown up are effected by his behaviour . I want him to move out of our family home but he won't leave an I can't kick him out because his name is on the tendency please can you help
Mel
Monday, June 12th, 2017

I didn't marry my addict boyfriend. But I love him. I did the right thing by kicking him out because I have a teenage son. But why can't I get angry? Why do I love a crackhead?? No one understands. My life has been consumed with making sure he's clean. I get anxiety going to the grocery store even though he's not here anymore. Do support groups help?
karen
Tuesday, June 13th, 2017

My husband has been lying to me about his drug use for years and we have babies. I have caught him stoned when he is caring for our children and has driven drunk so many times it makes me sick to think what he could do. I try so hard to get him to stop, but every time I think I am successful I find out he is hiding things form me--he tells me it is all my fault--he is verbally abusive and has a family history of drug abuse. He is a good father otherwise and I do not know what to do--but I can not do this alone anymore. He is very mean to me--he lieske all the time to me--its li he is acting...
Debra
Saturday, June 17th, 2017

My husband is fifty years old.13 years ago we lost everything because of his meth use. He cleaned himself up for several years now we are right back to where we were all those years ago. He's angry violent mean pariniod I spent the last four days confronting him and have been reduced to a shell of the woman I thought I was. I can't go down this nightmare again I feel completely alone and no one to turn to. He's isolated us to the point that I can't even spend time with my grandson without him making it an issue. I need help for myself before I just completely loose myself.
Cheri
Sunday, June 18th, 2017

I'm having a very hard time with the enabling and caring about myself…I go without, food included so he has his beer and cigarettes…I drove to work worryong if the gas that I have in my car is going to get me there…he manipulates me to get what he wants…I know I'm very co dependent but it's only because I'm scared of what will happen when he doesn't get his way. I appreciate you reading this.
Jenny
Sunday, June 25th, 2017

I have been with my boyfriend 20 years. When he was 27 he got addicted to oxycotton for 2 years. He finally went to a doctor on his own and I helped him make it threw the withdrawal which was very hard. He was there for me threw my seizure disorder for 2 years and then brain surgery which left him caring for me like a child until I recovered 6 months later. He was strong support. We have a strong relationship but I thought he was acting different with no attraction to me(kissing and sex) because of my surgery he's very routine and we had stopped kissing because my mouth lost muscle making me incapable of kissing him romantically, I was too insecure. I just found out he has been on suboxone for 2 years. I am 43 now and want a life with him(marriage and children)I am not sure he wants that also. He won`t talk to me about it. I have no friends to go to just family. I don`t know where to start without him. What can I do and what is the right answer? He is not family oriented very private counseling and meetings will not happen. When I told him I knew he told me it was none of my business and I have no right to judge him I can fuck off and everyone else in the world. I never was judging him and told him that. There is too much history to go through everything. Please give me advice as to what to do where to make friends and actions i should take. We have 4 ferrets like my children I don`t know know what to do with them if I leave. I doubt I can find a roommate okay with me letting them run around the house. I don't know if he could either he does love them and tskes care of them to. They are given run of the house for an hour a night without that their lives will change it's a double edged sword, leaving isn't easy as it sounds,
Sarah
Monday, June 26th, 2017

I have been married 15 years to my drug addict husband. I have been in counseling a couple times, but I still fall short of getting him out of my house. I pray every night for the strength to have him removed from my home. I don't even care about material possessions anymore. I feel at peace when he is not around, so I can only imagine if he wasn't in my life at all. Would you suggest a counselor that deals with addiction to help me? I feel like I have lost my identity. I do not have any friends or family in my area to offer support and only one friend knows what I am going through. Any encouragement is appreciated. Thank you for listening and caring.
Dee
Monday, June 26th, 2017

My story is a bit more complex, but I desperately need advice, and advice from a biblical perspective please. I am married, have 3 children from a previous relationship and am disabled, and on medication for chronic pain which is my husbands addiction. I became suddenly paralyzed 2 years ago, had to stop working as a result, as well as send my kids (now ages 10,12 & 14) To live with their dad. My husband has been in and out of work for years, even to the extent of me having to work intermittently to financially help, causing further irreparable damage to my spine. I literally suffer pain physically and emotionally daily, which is very obvious to my husband. When I was healthy, I often was the one working and paying everything although he was capable but just lazy, but now that I'm physically unable to bring in income, he rarely holds a job, and when he is working he throws it in my face. He has been taking my pain medication, stealing it, and often asks that I allow him to sell it to compensate for "my expenses" since I'm not bringing in money. We recently got saved, he as well seemed to be all in, but would instantly get caught red handed going in my purse to steal from me. I'm talking about every chance he gets... even if I'm driving he'll sneakily open my purse by reaching his hand to the backseat. He's broken down and admitted of his addiction, but does not stop lying, stealing or actively trying to change. My issue is twofold, he is continuing in this behavior with no sincere attempt to get a job with health benefits. That's another thing; I am paying all my medical care out of pocket and he isn't stepping up to the plate, either with looking for a job that has benefits and keeping it, or taking steps to help our marriage financially and addiction wise. The other issue is that I need to have a home for my children which is safe, free of constant arguing and based on a healthy foundation, and this can't happen under these circumstances, much less the fact that we have literally no money ever anymore. Am I wrong for expecting him to pick up the slack while I'm gravely ill, stepping up as the husband and father to rectify these problems, and bring our family back together? I've taken him to get saved, pray for and with him, have always been supportive during all of this; not putting him down or making him feel inadequate. And now that I'm walking in Christ, he seems uninterested in building his own relationship or applying the principles to our lives/marriage. He loves me truly, is a great step father and active in the kids lives, but he is not taking any progressive steps to change our circumstances, marriage or himself. My kids always ask me when I'll finally have my own home again, why I don't ever have money or improvement, while people our age are buying houses and planning for their future. We have absolutely nothing! I don't want to get a divorce. Please help!
Tessa
Wednesday, June 28th, 2017

I met my husband 5 years ago, we got married and have a beautiful daughter. When I was pregnant I was noticing he wasn't looking the same... super pale, skinny, dark circles under his eyes, and always passing out on the couch because he took too many of whatever he could get, a few times falling asleep while standing up. I felt alone, especially with just having a newborn baby. I was so confused why he was changing because at the time I knew nothing about him being addicted to anything. I then realized what was going on, and I also realized his family... (my father in law , brother in law, and sister in law) were all providing him what he wanted because they also are into it. I separated from my husband for 5 months, we got back together because he looked like he was doing a lot better... we agreed on stuff like peeing on a stick twice a week, keeping track of his money, stuff like that. But I've been lied to a million times after that. I feel so betrayed by his family and him. They all lie and encourage him to lie to me about the pills because they don't want me knowing that they gave him anything. I've forgiven them, tried moving past it all, only to get stabbed by them again and again. I've burned bridges with so many people because of my husband, calling them and making sure they stay far away from him or I'll get the cops involved (mostly just trying to scare them.) i felt like that was me trying to help him. I feel like I have to baby sit him. He has such a good heart deep down, but drugs have taken over. He's a lot better then what he use to be, and looks a lot better, but I know he still does it, and he lies to my face. I can't tell you how many times I've cried to him and begged him. I love him so much, but I feel like this isn't healthy for my daughter and I anymore. I have my happy moments with him but I feel alone at the same time. I'm always examining him when he gets home from work making sure he didn't take anything. No one understands what I'm going through. There's so much more that has happened, but you got the short story that explains a lot.
Sel
Sunday, July 2nd, 2017

So I came across this as I decided to google how to deal with a husband who's on drugs...funny because as I was reading this I literally felt like I was reading something out of my life...I've been married for 7 1/2 years and I have 3 kids...I have been dealing with my husband and is drugs from day one...he stopped went back and touched worse then stopped then went back and I think hit rock bottom...he has been outta my life for 2 months now he will call here n there asking to speak to the kids but he doesn't admit he has a problem nor does he even care to ask how we are doing...I feel like a huge boulder has been lifted off of me even tho he left me and the kids one day with absolutely nothing btw...but thank god I have a very supportive family and once day wen I'm back on my own two feet without him I will know I made the right decision...as of now I'm scared shitless but I know I'm not alone someone out there knows wat I'm going thru!
Debbie
Monday, July 3rd, 2017

My hubby accidentally overdosed on meth a month ago..we been going through financial problems which pushed us apart.. I wasn't very nice to him..so he told me he felt I disappointed him..so he started using Feb he'd disappear for 2-3 days each month till May which he died..I can't handle the guilt I feel for treating him so cold distant..I blame myself it's unbareable pain.. after he died I found out he had a double life on Craigslist personals...having sex with strangers & groups of people..I'm so devastated.. I feel like I failed him
Lily
Tuesday, July 4th, 2017

Hello, Yes my husband has a drinking problem & it has been in his family for generations but he kept it a secret from me till after we were married. I only met his parents & family twice before we got married I thought that was odd but he came up with some pretty good reasons plus we got married very young at least I was so I was pretty nieve he was 3 years older than I was. Never the less when I found out being so in love with him he was such a caring good man I would not have married him told me about his family & said he never would want to be like them & I beleived him.Well now if I say any thing the fight is on so I never bring it up I use to when he first started but it has been now around close to 20 years . I have learnt to just stay quiet & on my own doing what I like which is gardening . He complains alot about any thing & every thing & I just ignore it I find it better.I don't know if I am don't the right thing I just know that fighting back at him just makes it worse so yes I am lonely but it is better than being yelled at & put down all the time , Verbal abuse is very hurtful & I have a temper where I can say some hurtful things & I do not want to do that,Please respond back to me with any advice if you feel that what I am doing is not right cause I don't cater to him Yes I am sad I cry but I do alot of praying which helps me personally.Thank-you for rerading my note & hope to hearfrom you & if you have any ideas for me I would appreciate them . I am open minded. Sincerely Lily.
Melissa
Friday, July 7th, 2017

I have done the hard part I'd thought and made my pill addicted hisband leave, he only cones over to stay with my 13, 10 year old so they aren't in house alone at night, as my daughter is old enough to sit but I don't like them being alone. Anyway as he cone to watch them he also showers eats and does his laundry here but there is no change in his going to detox as he says he will. I an struggeling to decide if I should completely cut him off my home as he lives j n a camper at his uncles property I feel as his wife if I should let him do laundry eat and such here as he does not help me financially only grabs sone grocery items on occasion. Its been 10 months since I discovered the addiction and I don't know what to do feon here. Please help I'm ready to do what's neccessary
Heather
Saturday, July 8th, 2017

I have been with a heroin addict for only a month and a half. How do I help him... Let him go.. ?? I spend 60 to 100 a day and lost my job. I have kids and a home to pay for. I am now late on rent and I can't abandon him. Yes my kids are fed and taken care of. He doesn't use around them. He is mean to me after he gets it or the money most of the time. It's so early in this relationship. I just wanted to help him. Help me.. advice!!!
Carmen
Sunday, July 9th, 2017

My husband relapse after 16 years clean, I took his cellular because I was paying for it. I'm going to take his car out of my insurance. I'm also going for a legal separation. He call for treatment recently but is doing drugs again. I want to confront him, and kick him out of the house, he is not eating and he is diabetic lost 30 pounds..
AMANDA
Tuesday, July 11th, 2017

I am a struggling mother of two girls who recently discovered that my husband of 8 years has an addiction to cocaine and alcohol. I found out in the worst way right after the birth of our second daughter, when I came home from the hospital to a very unstable and abusive person. The man I loved and planned another child with verbally attacked me when I question him about missing money in our account its like he snapped and didn't come home from work until about 4am and I put him out the next day. At first I was so angry I just cut him off and tried to focus on taking care of the kids after the first few days of not hearing from him I began to pack up his things. While cleaning out his closet I discovered around 20 beer bottles hidden in his closet. I lost it and began to cry this was the third time in four months I had found massive amounts of alcohol hidden in his truck , under bathroom sink and closets. When confronted he always said I've been stressed about the baby coming and working a lot I will quit ,I'm sorry I don't wanna lose you, then again and now again. Later that week he came by the house to talk. I asked him to help me financially and he couldn't as expected. He has always had issues keeping money in his pocket but in the past year his whole checks seemed to disappear and I noticed him coming home from work later and later. His excuse was because he had used his money for a hotel room in which I later discovered that was a lie. When he was there he asked me to please come home because he was really sick with a cold and I felt bad and offered him to come home. He left that afternoon to get his things and didn't come back . the next morning I got a message from a guy online that my husband was hitting on his wife via facebook, it broke my heart. My husband has never even looked at another women in the whole time we have been together. this was just the beginning of the web of lies that was about to unfold. He denied everything of course then when caught he told me he had gotten drunk and was angry at me because I don't respect him as a man. I then stopped talking to him for a few more weeks. I knew he had told me he was going to stay at a friend's house so I contacted that friend and in communication with him discovered more lies and began to lose my own sanity chasing him down thinking he was cheating on me. through communicating with his friend I began to suspect the cocaine use because he would disappear, call me at all hours of the night and finally confessed. The morning he confessed I was laying on the couch with my newborn its 330 AM and he called and woke us up. He was crying hysterically and it scared me he told me his friend's that he had been hanging out with got him hooked on cocaine got in his head and made him lose his family. He began to tell me about all the money he has spent( up to $200 weekly) and all the lies he had told covering his lies which included doing drugs on the job( cocaine,pills,acid and alcohol ), not coming home and lying about home much he was making in which made me responsible for most of the bills while I was pregnant. I was In complete Shock! I had no Idea my loving, caring and affectionate husband could ever do drugs like that or even do that to me or our babies! As we continued to talk He was driving to my house and when he got outside He told me" 'I'm outside can I come in"? I told him NO and he began to cry harder and harder. He finally agreed to leave if I would give him a bottle of water , So I opened the door and put it outside. He started to leave and then came back and told me that he couldn't find his wallet and had no gas to get back home and he had not eaten. I felt bad for him and gave him money because I didn't know anything about drug addiction I helped him to buy drugs and I know because when he left I didn't hear from him again for days .After that I went through a period of insanity I had a complete nervous break down I even had to have my family stay with me and help me with my kids. He disappeared so I had no money to support us so I had to go to social services pay my bills. His mother would help me buy diapers, wipes and formula which helped but he refused to help me more than a couple hundred dollars he began giving me every week which wasn't much. I then began to pick myself up and prepare to go back to work from maternity leave to support my girls. I applied for welfare and child support(still pending) and heart broken went back to work. His mother agreed that she would temporary keep our kids while she was out of work for the summer to help me. Once I started focusing and researching about addiction and attempting to self heal is about the time he decided to move home with his mother and get help. His mother hesitantly agreed to let him stay there with conditions to attend AA and help pay for his kids. He started showing up in church with me and going to AA. and after two weeks when I didn't let him come home he relapsed and started lying and not attending AA and smelling like alcohol again. I felt guilty! I always feel guilty! I'm always the blame for everything. I wasn't ready to let him come home yet I wanted us to get counselling, Besides I have to protect my girls from the fighting and abuse so I wanted to make sure it wouldn't happen again if he came back. I guess I made the right decision although it hurt me. Its been three months since he's been gone Its been still a off and on again battle to get any help from him to support our girls and one lie after another. He found a new job closer to our house and was so excited because it meant more money and a opportunity to get away from his drug habits and bad friends. I wasn't as excited as he wanted me to be because more money meant more drugs in my mind and like I thought I was right. I just caught him attempting to buy cocaine last weekend. I am so disappointed and hurt! I've contacted an attorney and after arguing with his mother who is now enabling him by letting him live there fully knowing he is not clean, coming in and out all times off the night and not requiring him to get help I cant let my kids stay with her. She has now turned against me and made this about me chasing him and he don't want me, but that's only because I'm the one who always finds out everything and its an excuse. I have no where to turn! I have begged, threatened, fought and pleaded with him to quit even took the kids away with no luck. At this point I'm slowly trying to move forward as a single parent coping with the fact that I lost my best friend and husband , the person I trusted and the father of my two girls. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I have no idea how to get through this.
Lisa
Thursday, July 13th, 2017

I have been married to a drug addict for 10 years, we have been together for over 12 years. We have 2 beautiful kids, 10 and 2. He has abused me in every way possible. I don't know what to do. I spend most of my time just trying to appear normal. I just want out. My kids love their father. I don't want to hurt them. We have been through so much already. I feel so alone.
Losthope
Sunday, July 16th, 2017

I have tried so hard to stop enabling. I've held him accountable. He says he's made drug counseling appointments and his excuse is I didn't remind him or they didn't call to remind him. I continue to remind him it is NOT I or the counselor offices responsibility to remind him of his commitment. I'm at a loss. The broken promises and the best is, " well I've made it 32 days now I don't need a counselor". Please help me it's been 20 yrs of this
Truly
Wednesday, July 19th, 2017

My husband has always drank a lot but is not abusive. He has had one affair I know of but suspect others. He has always been secretive about things. We separated after his affair and after six months went to counseling and six months later were back together. That was 1 1/2 years ago we have been back together. I thought he had been acting strange or secretive but couldn't explain. I don't question him. I don't like confrontation and he always turns things around and I become the blame. The other day while we were on vacation he told me he got us cocaine to use for fun. We don't even smoke pot. After we separated we got separate bank accounts and he gives me money for bills. I've notice that seems to be getting less and he seems to have less money. Anyway I told him No to using cocaine and he said well he was going to. We never discussed and I knew he was hiding it and using. I suspect he was before and is still. I don't know how to approach and honestly as much as I love him I can't trust him and I think I need to end our marriage. But should I try to save it? I will not stay married to a drug user or a cheater but I can't trust him to stop.
L.J..
Thursday, July 20th, 2017

Our son is a heroin addict, as is his girlfriend of 8 years. He wants to stop. He has a successful business and an extended family who love him dearly. Though each time he tries to stop, she drags him back down with some made-up drama. Last time he got clean, he told her she had to also, if they were to stay together. She used her trump card...'If you leave me I'll kill myself'...knowing his only sibling killed himself just after they began dating. We are not ignoring the fact our son is sticking the needles into himself. Or the fact we are grappling with our own element of enabling, for part of us is terrified he'll also die if we cut off ties. We are having major troubles with how to deal with his girlfriend. She is a highly intelligent young woman, with absolutely no empathy for anyone besides herself. Throughout their relationship she's managed to isolate him from friends, is controlling his bank account, and is now calling his recent home 'theirs.' He apologizes for asking her for petrol money for his work car for heavens sake! While she sits on her backside eating junk food and gossiping on her phone...grrrrr! Where is the line between caring parents & interfering parents? We're concerned he's confused love for her with love for the addiction he shares with her. He's like (is?) an abused spouse...and we don't know what to do, how to help (and yes, he's asked for our help...is infact staying here with us now, while she stays in his house) and simply want our son to be happy, heroin free, and to experience the utter joy of being truly loved. At our wits end. Don't want to enable...unsure where the line is between enabling & abandonment. Need a perspective from outside this horrid reality...please.
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, July 21st, 2017

I want all of you to know that tonight I have read each an every one of your stories. I want to help all of you in any way that I can but I have to be honest (which I know I can do here) that I have gone through a very serious issue with my child. She needed major surgery and it did not go well and required another surgery. I have, in turn, not been able to hear your stories as often as I usually do. I am still here though and although I am not able to answer all of you individually as I usually like to do I will respond to all of you here. You are all more powerful than you realize. You feel weak and defeated but not many people can or have put up with as much as you have and are still here to write about it so don't forget that. I have also learned through my recent experience with my child that life is precious and that no matter how dark things get, the light will come again. These are all situations that are temporary and can change if you have the strength and the courage to change them. You are not going to be able to change them by changing the addict but you can always change them by working on you and by making changes in your life. Do not be afraid, do not let the fear you feel cripple you but let it be the fire and catalyst in making those changes that will bring you through this situation and out on the other side. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Shanta
Saturday, July 22nd, 2017

I am dealing with a spouse with a cocaine addiction and I know I am enabling him by giving him a home to come home to after he gets high. I am trying to hang in there hoping that he will want to get help but that's not happening. So I am stuck with the thought of asking him to leave our home. What should I do
Kathy
Saturday, July 22nd, 2017

I got married on Oct 24 2015. We only knew each other for 9 months. He was in a hurry, to purpose, and get Married. He was still married, and he told be he was a recovering COCAINE addict and also said he wasn't living with his wife. He hid from his kids for 9 months, started seeing them just before we went to Vegas to get married. Anyways he started doing COCAINE again 2 Months after I married him. He hid that from me until after his Brother committed Suicide. His daughter forced him to tell me the truth, because he lied to me when I first ask him if he was drugging again, and he said I only took one hit off the pipe, because I was mad at you. Then his kids told me there Dad was living with there Mother, when he told me he was living with a buddy. He told me do many LIES, I don't trust him anymore. We rented two houses, and had to move because he lost his Business, and used our Business Monly for his, and his Dead Brothers drugs. I used to tell him that I didn't understand why him and his Brother had to be together all the time, and id ask if I could go along with them, places and he would scream and hollar at me, and make me feel like it was my fault, that we were arguing. He always told me that he was going to leave me when we fought. When we wounderstand get into an argument, he would leave me for an hour, or so. Then come back. He wanted me to put everything in my name because he doesn't have good credit. I had good credit, so he had to have a Cadillac Escalade, and had me put it in my name. Along with the lease for our Rental, which we have been Three car payments behind for the last year, and behind on our storage and all of our Bills. We were homeless for 14 months, and had to live with my parents, a friend, and for a while he stayed at his Daughters and I stayed with a friend. I have been through so much with this man, that I don't know what to do. My Family don't trust him, or like him, so it alienates me from them, and My two oldest Daughters haven't talked to me, for 13 months, and won't let me see my Grandkids. What should I do. We are living in a camp ground, for now. He started his Business again, and it's not that dependable yet, and still not caught up on our Bills, but he wants me to start looking for a house to rent. I don't want to, because I'm uncertain that we will be able to pay our BILLS, and pay rent. I don't TRUST him, and I certainly don't Live him like I used to. What should I do. PLEASE HELP ME.
Michelle
Saturday, July 22nd, 2017

What resources do I have to make him leave
Jo-Ann
Sunday, July 23rd, 2017

My husband is a habitual user. He disappear every weekend. i know he doing drugs & came back the next day different. I am from the Philippines. We have 4kids & pregnant. I can't deal with him anymore. We don't have both jobs. I so desperate with my life. I can't think anymore.
Sarah
Sunday, July 23rd, 2017

First of all I just want to say thank you for this blog post. I feel pretty new to this whole enabling addiction thing so it was so crazy how everything you said I could actually relate to. I noticed no one has commented since 2015 so I hope you're still able to see this.. When I first met and started dating my husband he was only 7 months clean. Obviously that scared the hell out of me b/c I've never dealt with anything like that in a relationship. But there was something about him that I immediately fell in love with (as corny as that may sound) so I just knew I had to give him a chance. That turned out to be the best decision of my life. Fast forward to 4 years later and we are married, have our first home and first baby girl. He's been clean for 4 years now but about 6 months ago I started to see a change in him. He sees an addiction doctor and he started prescribing him Klonopin for anxiety. Now both me and my husband can be pretty socially awkward and get anxiety. We just don't like being around large crowds or anything like that. So I didn't think anything of it about him getting this medicine and to be honest, I had never even heard of it until he got it. But once he did, everything changed. He was abusing the pills, taking over 4mg MORE than he was supposed to. He would fall asleep in front of family and friends, be in slow motion, etc. more times that I can count. For a few months I just held everything in and would cover for him by lying to his mom that he was taking it the right way. I knew deep down it was wrong but like I said before, I didn't know anything about the drug and honestly, he only did it on the weekends so I always just let it slide. But that always led to the same exact arguments over and over again. He was becoming so emotionless. He didn't care about my feelings or what I was saying. I cry right in front of him about how he makes me feel and all I get is eye rolls or smart comments lashed back at me. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. He started acting very resentful towards our daughter which I just couldn't even fathom how that could be since she is so perfect and by far the best thing to ever happen in our lives. So I ended up telling his mother everything he had been doing and I then wrote his addiction doctor to tell him what this medicine was doing to him. I won't go into much details there but let's just say he was/is NOT happy about that. I felt so scared of what he was going to do and although I knew I did the right thing I found myself regretting it b/c I didn't want to lose him. So I went to his appointment with him and I was the one who suggested to his doctor that he still get them. I knew I was enabling the situation yet I didn't stop. His doctor lowered his dose to only 15 pills a month now (which I don't believe he should even have) but I hold onto them now. Today we had a dinner/movie date night and it was the first time since the appointment that he asked for them. I thought we were doing fine without it and thought maybe they can just stay there for emergencies or if he really needs it. So I gave him his pill and he asked to take 3 of them bc he claims "1 does nothing". I refused to give him 3, however I did give him 2 of them. He didn't pass out or make a fool of himself but every time I even know he's on them it just puts me into the worst mood ever and I get very mean. So instead of enjoying our date night and having some alone time afterwards we end up arguing. And as I'm laying in bed next to him while he sleeps- I stumbled upon your post and am starting to finally realize that I am a big anabler. Instead of being a good wife and taking care of him- I fear that it's only making things way way worse. I really don't know what to do (or maybe I do but I just need someone to lay it out and tell me). I have NEVER met this side of him since when we first met he was 7 months clean. I'm scared to know if this version of him is the real one or if it's just addiction, and the man I met 4 years ago is deep down there somewhere. I keep waiting for something to happen or change to make me feel hopeful that he'll do better. After reading your post, I just know it's time to put an end to this all. Sorry for such a long post. I have no one to talk to about any of this (which is another enabler aspect of me) so i thought it would do me good to write a post and since he isn't seeking help for himself then maybe I'm the one who needs help for me first. P.S *Oops I just realized that all the newer comments are at the bottom. I also would like to add that he’s been on suboxone since before I ever met him which i don’t even know much about whether that’s good or not. But I’m also scared as to what will happen if he wasn’t on them since everything has been going on.. He also, of course, doesn’t believe he has an addiction or problem with the klonopin. He truly thinks he “needs” it and that it helps him. I don’t see how that can be if he only took them on the weekends. He saved them up so he could take more at a time yet he claims it’s bc the 2mg does nothing for him. I know that’s due to him building his tolerance up to them. I’ve just never dealt with anything like this before. I constantly catch myself crying or thinking about what all would happen if I left him. What about our daughter? I do not want to lose my husband. I imagine life without him in it everyday and I immediately just get sick to my stomach. He’s the only person I feel truly comfortable with- he knows me inside and out. And I thought I knew him too but I just don’t know what to think or believe anymore. He used to be the sweetest man ever and made me feel so beautiful. Now he does nothing. I tell him how unloved I feel from him and he just gets irritated and aggravated. He claims he loves me but just doesn’t do good with talking about his feelings and emotions. But i know that has to be a lie b/c he USED to be that guy! I understand all relationships lose that “butterfly” stage, especially when you have bills and kids and responsibilities, but I think back to when this all started and it was the time he got this medicine. The one medicine that, to him, actually “works” and makes him feel normal. But in my eyes he just turns into a zombie, and then just angry and miserable and mean throughout the week when he doesn’t take it. I know I was and still am enabling his addiction and I hate myself for doing that. I’m just so worried that if I stop that he will leave me or worse- resort back to heroin. I couldn’t imagine him ever doing that but if he doesn’t get drugs prescribed to him legally then what will he do if he feels he needs them so badly? I guess that’s how I justify my actions because I feel this way I can at least monitor him.
Margie
Sunday, July 23rd, 2017

I want to leave my husband because if his drugs abuse but he have a daughter, not our his daughter, iam afraid he will take her from me, so I continue to stay with him which I hate doing so I can stay with his daughter, please give me advice what I should do the daughter is 15 years old
Kinzy
Tuesday, July 25th, 2017

I am 46years old and a mother of 4. My 2nd husband of 8 years is addicted to marijuana. We are separated forseveral years at the beginning of our marriage due to infidelity, but we have since reconciled and have been back under the same roof for over 2years now. We have one 7 year old daughter together. He has been an addict since I met him 12 years ago.Before the girls and I moved back in with him, he played down his addiction and made it sound like it was something he had dealt with. There was nothing further from the truth! In order to create his own space, he, graduatecreated a "man cave" in the garage of our new home. It is now fully functional with music, tv, laptop, and even a/c. To be honest, some nights he stays up ALL night in that garage...on a typical day, he is in there about 6 to 8 hours a day! He works a full time, highly demanding, well-paying job during the day. I'm at my whit's end because I'm so tired of this and I don't know what to do! His actions are so clear that the weed takes priority over EVERYTHING and he will defendand feed his habit at all cost! He comes home from work to a hot meal every evening and asks me to put his plate in the microwave because he need to go"unwind" first. Then he does not come out of the garage until about 2 hours later. He eats and the will fall asleep. Sleep for about 2 hours, then go back to his garage...this happens over and over all night. Most of the time it's just the girls and me doing everything without him. I'm feel like a single mom like before we got back together...only difference is I'm not paying all the bills myself now. There's SO much more but that's a quick run down. I'm just not sure what to do at this point.
Momma crab
Tuesday, July 25th, 2017

I married my spouse knowing that he smoked and I never thought it was a big deal - boy I was dumb. He is crabby all the time , my fault he says I am his good mood medicine. He has depression , his smoking starts the minute he gets out of bed and stops when he goes to bed! The latest incident was that my son is in boot camp and he asked he doesn't bring anything, we have fought for 3 weeks about this. He doesn't agree! I feel so stupid! But it's his problem I cannot fix him!!! He has to want to fix him! He's been smoking since 15 and he is 51 now! I am loosing hope and compassion
amy
Tuesday, July 25th, 2017

I have been with my husband for 14 years..I am an enabler..I have been with him since I was 19. We have 2 children together Ava 11, and Robert 9.. I have been the bread winner all 14 years.. I accept it because he has narcolepsy..I love him..I'm in love with him..but I know I deserve more..he is addicted to heroin..I'm finding needles around the house..we fight all the time became of it... looking back he has been an addict the whole time...I always think he will get better..but it only gets worse...my question is..is the only salutation kicking him out?
Margaret
Saturday, July 29th, 2017

My husband lost his Suboxone script a little over a year ago. He started using and I didn't know the signs. It was only after he had stolen a week's pay after Christmas that I realized. He hasn't worked since he started using. He steals money from me then blames me saying I planned on a fight to make him use. Insanity! He has stolen thousands leaving me buncing checks and ruining my credit. I fear if I let him stay I will eventually lose everything. I've tried kicking him out. He won't leave . I've begged pleaded screamed hit threatened. I've tried understanding and helping. He is on methadone but still using stealing and lying. We both have children to other people. His daughters mother is a homeless jobless junkie. If I divorce him he will lose his klgirls to a grandparent most likely which is fine for the younger two but not for the oldest. She has been treated like Cinderella since she was old enough to change diapers. Only now getting custody to her father and I in the past 2 years has she been able to be a kid again. She had lived so much in her mere 13 years. I do everything I can for her. I love her as of she was my own and she begs me to adopt her so she will be safe and cared for. (She knows of her father's use) If I divorce him she would be taken from me and prolly end up with her grandmother. Moved yet again to another unstable household. I am stuck. I don't know what to do. I can't adopt her because her biological mother would never give up rights just to be spiteful. ( And she hasn't seen child in over a year) if I divorce she will be put in another bad situation. If I stay I will eventually lose everything I've worked so hard to build for myself and son. D9 I have any options to kick him out legally without filing for divorce?
Dawn
Monday, July 31st, 2017

My fiancé is a meth user and has been using needles I think since December of last year. He goes back n forth saying he's been clean. When I know it's a lie. I feel crazy ALL the time. And blames me for everything. I have left before and he said I made it worse then he said he was clean. I've seen him go through DTs. But then notice the same behaviors showing back up. Then found needles again. He said he would go get help but then it's my fault cuz I don't set up the appointments. I know what I should do but I'm so worried and a little scared as well. I love him with every piece of me I just don't know anymore. I'm sooo broken down.
Elizabeth
Tuesday, August 1st, 2017

My husband and I have been married for 20 years and I love my husband dearly. I desperately want to help him and I'm ready to hear whatever I need to hear at this point you know I've had to leave my home with my kids and my grandson and I told him that I would not return unless he went and got the help that he needed and he refuses he tells me that I don't love him that I treat him badly he tells me all kinds of ugly and nasty mean things. Am I doing the right thing by telling him he has to get help before he can have his family back?
Jo
Friday, August 4th, 2017

My husband has smoked Crack on and off for 24 years. He was clean the first five years of our 16 year relationship. I filed for divorce again after a five day disappearing binge. Hw returned, wouldn't accept thw papers and now he has 62 daya clean. He doesn't want the divorce and says he is fine now. His reckless life with drugs tereifiew me. He is also waiting on an inheritance that is caught up because of the divorce. He sounds like he has years clean but won't discuss issues. Basically says don't you see the change. Help....jo
Sherrie
Sunday, August 13th, 2017

Hi Amanda, I have just finished reading Hope Street thank you for sharing your experience with addiction and co-addiction, my sister is in a similar situation you were once in. Her husband of 11 years who has been addicted to something or other though out there 20 year relationship has been on crack for the past two years. It has finally gotten to the stage where he has stopped coming home quit his job takes all the money from their account and owes money to a lot of people. She has kept this secret until now, at some time or another my family and I have all questioned HER sanity her health has deteriorated and she has developed a hoarding obsession and the whole time he has been telling everyone she is mental and that's the way it looked. I feel terrible that she felt she couldn't talk to us and kept his secret to protect him. I'm not sure how this is going to end he has been home once in the last week since texting her he was leaving her for his girlfriend. I think my sister is relieved he's left and says she is only sad for their 14 year old son. As she is now hearing a lot of stories about what he's been lying to her about over the years the cheating the girls the motels the gangs etc I know it is far from over. But I really hope she has reached that place where she can finally move on and get on with her life. You are an inspiration and I hope my sister can come out the other side of this regain her confidence and her life as you have done.
Iris
Monday, August 14th, 2017

Hi. What is your advise about staying in the relationship while I learn to empower myself? My husband doesn't want to quit using nor does he want to leave his friends. During a conversation this morning he stated: You're making my using bigger than ir is - he uses 4 times a month he says. He said he is going to get me to try it. - he'll can freeze over before that happens and even if it does it still won't happen. Ivw thrown in the towel in trying to keep him away from his friends and trying to help him. He says maybe he will stop and in the meantime im stating to learn how to do things that make me feel good and happy. So what do I do about the relationship? I teeter between staying and going. I feel like a single woman in the relationship because I do everything on my own anyways. There is lover between us. This us undeniable. Can me big and feeling empowered sway him to the clean side or us leaving the way? I am a relationship coach and one would think I would know how to handle this addiction but I don't. I appreciate your thoughts and support. Love iris
Jenelle
Saturday, August 19th, 2017

Hello, i found this site because my BF of 5 years has recently come clean with me about his addiction to cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana. The drinking we both enjoyed doing together a beer here and there in moderation on my end. Then i started noticing when we had liquor in the house he started taking a few shots here and there. I confronted him about it and it seemed to mellow out. Enough to throw away the booze entirely. I never knew about the cocaine though. He hid that from me. I found it a total of two times but he admitted to using for a year. This last time i found it and made him leave the house we share. He wants to seek therapy and over come his addictions but i dont think he wants my help. Im confused because i support his decision amd would only consider staying if he revieved help, well both of us really. I just dont know what my part in this is supposed to be? I would happily live a completely sober life style if it meant having my healthy, happy, and loving boyfriend back. I just feel so lost.
Lori
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017

I left my alcoholic spouse 14 years ago. It hurt. A lot. It took a while for me to realize it, but a few months later I looked back and saw that for the first time in years I had a savings account instead of living in fear of not meeting the bills. I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and didn't have to avoid going somewhere that his drunken, lewd behavior might embarrass me. I could go to work and not worry about what he was doing while I was gone or whether I would come home to the sweet drunk or the angry drunk. The day I left I told him that I could no longer feel anything for anyone, not even myself, and I had to remove myself from a situation that was so draining I felt my only options were to leave or do away with myself. I chose to leave/live. I think that I had finally realized the truth: addicts "love" their addiction so much they can't love anything/anyone else. That doesn't mean they enjoy it. That means they nurture it, protect it, align with it against anyone who would try to damage it, sneak and lie and cheat and steal for it. All the things you would expect a spouse or parent to do for a spouse or child, the addict will do for his addiction. It is his/her first priority and there is no room for a relationship with anyone else except to find someone who can be used as a means to an end (money, a place to live, etc). He/she will go to rehab if it keeps the employed, functional spouse around to care for him and his addiction. It's like having an affair with a bottle (syringe, pill bottle, whatever). "I swear I love you, bottle, more than anything. I only stay with my spouse because of the money I can get from him/her so we can keep seeing each other and I can give you a place to live. But I really love only you." If you would have no problem leaving a partner who moved his mistress into your house and insisted you had to let her live there so he would be happy, you should be able to get yourself together and be able to leave the addict and his "mistress" the addiction. No matter how good you are to him/her, no matter what you have done in the past, no matter how many years you have put into the relationship, you can't "fix" him and you can't afford to throw good years after the bad and stay. Don't worry about what will happen to him/her. Addicts can always find someone else willing to keep them. Heck, they usually already have an escape plan already in place. Someone they've cried to about how you "don't understand" them. Just in case you get the courage to leave. And I can guarantee that once he/she charms their way into another bed and board they won't worry about how you're getting along at all. He/she might try to keep you strung along as their escape plan in case the next one figures them out before they get a chance to find a new person to suck the life out of, but don't mistake that for real caring. They are just not capable of that.
Sarah
Thursday, August 24th, 2017

I am keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.
Amy
Sunday, August 27th, 2017

My fiance is an addict. I am an enabler. Which in turn feels like I have the bigger problem. I am not so afraid to be alone as to what will happen to him when I choose that path. I am scared. I have kept his secret for fear of how others including his family will feel about it. He has disappeared for days and weeks at a time as I sit back and make excuses for his absence. I feel like if I reject him he will sink further into his hole. Yet I know it has to stop. I have allowed him to depend on me for everything, basically crippling him from taking responsibility for himself. I still love him but I know the time has come to make a choice since I already laid out the ultimatum the last time. I don't know how to do it and now that I am realizing I have to I am scared. Scared for his future but also a bit scared of him. Its like pulling everything from under his feet. What do I do?
Rochelle
Tuesday, August 29th, 2017

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I'm almost free. He has been gone for 7 months, back to pick up the rest of his things. Tried talking his way back but I'm not going for it. He's leaving again at end of the week and I will be so glad because I wil never let him back in my life again. Even though I understand what may have triggered all of this, I don't give a damn cause this s?&!t is crazy and so am I for putting up with it for 10 years. Now I just don't give a damn. I'm done with him. He's nuts.
Casey
Tuesday, August 29th, 2017

Thank you for this article. I need to hear ALL of the things you mentioned and I know I need to hear them often. I've read books and articles, I've talked to therapists and trusted friends about the life I've lived for too many years. I'm not a stupid person! I'm educated, responsible, A devoted mother, successful and capable, yet I'm weak unsuccessful and very incapable when it comes to handling my husband's addictions. For 12 years I worked and raised our children while my husband lost himself in cocaine and alcohol. Days and even weeks would go by and I had no idea where he was. Eventually he would come home. He'd apologize profusely, cry, make promises and every single time, those promises were a dead end. I was scared and ashamed. Many people in our community thought I was a single mother because my husband was just never around. Never involved and because I was so embarrassed by the way my marriage and life had turned out, I didn't make friends. I didn't want to explain why my husband was always gone. I didn't want people to think I was in a bad situation and I most certainly didn't want anyone to think my kids were in a bad situation! I overcompensated with my kids in order to hide the fact that they had a coke head, alcoholic father. I made sure they had the best of everything, I got them involved in as many extra curricular activities as their little hearts desired and made sure I didn't miss one second of any of it, I through them elaborate birthday parties and volunteered for everything I could that they were involved in. Looking back, I believe it was my way of avoiding my sick life at home with my sick husband. The cycle continued for 12 years until he came home to an intervention in our living room with several of our friends and a drug counselor who was ready to take him to rehab if everything went as we'd hope it would. Long story short, he completed rehab and was sober for more than 10 years. He found great friends who loved him and held him accountable. They were great role models for him. Good fathers and husbands, hard workers and just good, solid people. He grabbed the reigns and completely transformed his life. For 10 years things were everything I'd always prayed they would be. We had a solid marriage, awesome friends, we were involved in our community and built a respectable reputation for ourselves in our community. We were living a life I took a lot of pride in. I was proud of him and so grateful!! Today, after 10 years of sobriety, my husband is once again using. He's developed a nasty addiction to OxyContin. Once again I'm faced with the lies and all of the ugly things that go along with loving an addict. The big difference this time is that I'm now an empty nester. I don't have children to raise who will fill my hours and bring me joy when life doesn't seem all that joyful. This time, I know I need to handle our problem much differently than I did 10 years ago. I can't be quiet about it because I'm afraid our kids will hear, I can't protect him by keeping it a secret so people won't judge. I know I DESERVE a clean husband. I know I DESERVE to have a man who chooses me over a high. Articles like the one you've written are helpful. I need to hear those things but I need to find the strength to follow through.
Mel
Friday, September 1st, 2017

Hi there, I am writing because I need some help. My husband was an addict for 5 years before we got together, we dated before his addiction also when I ran i to him and he told me of His issues I tried to help. He called one day and said he wanted to be sober and away from the life he was living and asked if he could stay with me. I agreed under the condtion of no drugs. We started dating shortly after of course and after 3 months I recieved an odd phone call and came hime to an obviously high boyfriend. We went to counceling after a month and our tgerapist said "I either let him do it or he will do it behind my back"...music to his ears im sure. So after enabeling for 3 months and thousands of dollars later O had enough, he I threatened and he finally went sober for 9 months and said "I just have to get it out of my system, this will be the only time, I will write a contract to you, Im starting a new job so I wont ever be able to do it again(because of random drug tests) so I allowed...9 months and a baby girl later, married and pregnant again...with another urge to get high, last time, have to get it out of my system, we have another baby coming I wont be able to ever do it again (mind you random drug tests at work turned out to be only if you get hurt tests) so I was upset but eventually allowed it. So again today a year later we look at houses and the excuse on the way home is, "we are going to have a financial responsibility to this house, this is the only time I can do it, labor day is monday so I have 3 days and it will be out of my system by the time i go back to work in case i get hurt, I will write a contract, I want to do it one last time and leave it here at this hpuse and not take it with me to a new beginning. Im afraid of i dont let him, he will do it at the new house behind my back and it will never end. What do I do :(
Seirra
Sunday, September 3rd, 2017

I need someone to talk to... My husband is a meth addict and i try not to enable what he does. He throws a fit threatening to hurt me scares the kids and i usually let him go do whatever. Plz help
Camelia
Friday, September 8th, 2017

My husband is an addict am literally tired of being in this relationship..I left job love this man more than my life.. I always had fear of losing him..but now it's like I need some support and motivation so that I can become strong and just leave him
Monique
Friday, September 8th, 2017

I married a drug addict about four years ago but I had absolutely no frame of reference and I didn't learn until we moved into our own house a year and a half ago that he had been regularly using up until deciding to marry me and he wasn't regular in his use for over two years. But he would binge use and those were trying times but doable because at least he would return to his "normal" self as I had gotten to know him (not knowing it was his second time in his life trying to be sober. He had been sober for almost seven years then relapsed for a couple years before meeting and marrying me). Now that he is regularly using he is also regularly drinking and he is a different person who I do not like nor am attracted to. I hate how stupid he is and how he never dies what he says. But he did for those first two and a half years. I'm so angry because I married him because I could tell he was an honest character and I had just gotten out of a sixteen year marriage with a compulsive liar and Sec addict who controlled my life by making me believe I had to do better for him to stop his behavior. He was a sorry man and I was thrilled to finally be done with him. But now with this husband I am finding our marriage slipping into the same pattern for me where I keep being a fool for hope that he will quit and we can finally build a future together but then lie after lie and I'm slowly dying inside and going crazy because I never know what's going to happen any given moment because he will snap or not at something I say or do and then won't explain nor apologize in a way that I know he knows what he's apologizing about and his it affected me. My threshold was already low because of being in bondage for sixteen years before this marriage. Only two years to build my self esteem was just barely getting to a believable improvement in myself before it has now been almost completely damaged to worthlessness again.
Darlene
Saturday, September 9th, 2017

My fiancé of 6 years was a pill addict due to all the surgery she had(befor I met him)I never had a clue he was addicted till almost a year after we were together,never knew the signs of one,Life was complete hell when I found out,I lost trust for him,started to realize when he was having withdrawals by reading online,1 year ago a family member got him in The suboxin program,To me I felt it wasn't good enuff but everyone said it would help get him down to where he needs to be,I haven't seen a change whats so ever,he abuses them by taking more than he is prescribed claiming his legs hurt his back hurts his knee hurts,all BS to me!!!I am now 5 monthes pregnant and am thinking of my unborn little girl who will have to see this and I don't know if I want to be in this relationship,it's not fair to her not me,I love him but I've seen his temper when he doesn't have his crap..I don't have anyone to lean on for advice,so I hold things in,I am at wits end!!! I hate to be mean and unfair with our unborn baby,but I don't even want his family around her or me,his brother is a heroine addicts and smokes weed all day,his dads wife is a pill addict,his daughter and her boyfriend smoke weeks among other things,I just can't do it,I can't allow her to be in this kind of environment,I feel I need to do what is best for her right now,any advice is appreciated
Charlotte
Monday, September 11th, 2017

Hi I have read your article and some of the comments I have been with my partner for 8 years we have one 5yr old girl and another one on the way my partner is addict to cocaine and weed for 4 years im at the point now where in just waiting to come home from work and find him dead on the floor, he has stolen from me multiple times and stolen my credit card and maxed it out and won't help to pay it off he has also got out loans in my name that I have to pay back he promises me that he is going to get help but never does no one on my side of the family knows as they all love him to bits and i am worried that they wont beleive me if i tell them the truth also dont want them to be dissapointed in me. His family know but constantly find excuses for him and his mum even gives him money to enable him to get more. Our little girl knows nothing about what he's doing but does notice when he is on it as he acts very strange. I am starting to realise that I can't help or fix him as he doesn't want it and have asked him to leave as I pay all of the bills on my own and feel that he should leave as I have worked hard for what we have but he refuses to leave and am stumped at what to do he knows I won't turn it into something dramatic for our daughters sake but he won't let me go. Any advice would be appreciated
Charlotte
Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I want to stop enabling my husband but I do not know how. The money I give my husband he gives back to me but he takes the rest of his money and smokes crack with it. I am in the process if buying a house and doung it secretly from him. If I had the money right niw I would pack up and move far away from him but I do not have the money to do that right now. I love my husband but his addiction is causing me to fall out of love wirh him. What do I do.
Melissa
Sunday, September 24th, 2017

OK, so after being in this marriage for seven years, I finally realized the only way, was to remove my daughter and I completely out. It has been a nightmare to say the least. The longer I stayed the worse it became. He would stop for a few months here and there, periodically. However each time he returned to using, the situations would become worse than the time before. It became very dangerous to stay any longer. Now, my daughter and I are 600 miles away from him, he cannot physically do harm. I have turned to the Lord first and foremost along with alot of study on substance abuse, addiction, narcissistic sociopaths, etc. However nothing gives you more experience on how this terrible weak state of mind begins to consume you and everything around you, than living it first hand. I find myself in prayer daily. I also still find myself wanting to, not go back. However still loving this man dearly and still having the desire to want to help and fix his problem? Where to go from here????
Looking for answers
Monday, September 25th, 2017

A week has past since I made my addict boyfriend of 6 years move out of our home. This has been one of the hardest decisions of my life I find myself extremely worried about him all hours of the day & night. He was never bad to disappear but I worry now that it will get worse instead of better. I know that I was his enabling him & this was hard to come to terms with. I am now fighting with the decision that i made for him to leave after his drug dealer showed upat out home in a Saturday morning. Am I being selfish by my decision? Most of his family think I'm a horrible person cause now he is struggling with this in his own. Any advice would be appreciated.
Kathy
Wednesday, October 4th, 2017

I’m at the point where I want a Divorce. I want my husband to leave my home today. I’ve spent years forgiving him for the same stuff over and over. He just want leave. I’m in school and can’t support myself just yet. He is holding that over my head to stay here. What do I do? I’ve told him I want a Divorce and want him and his drugs out of my house and my life.
Stephanie
Wednesday, October 4th, 2017

I am 34 weeks pregnant and have known my husband was using for nearly a year, I am also a recovering addict with 2 1/2 years clean and started originally using with my husband many years ago which makes things even more complicated. After I had undeniable proof that he was back to using, I had hoped that that would give me some leverage or some sort of control over the situation especially with a baby on the way.. months go by, I'm trying to control the situation but am enabling more than anything. Things progress as they tend to do in addiction and he's getting further and further from getting clean. Starts selling things. Money is always missing, he keeps taking chances with the legal system, our relationship is declining fast. So yesterday finding our tv gone. I'm fed up, I realize what im doing is not working. And that the only thing that might get him to do anything, make changes is going to have to be huge.. so I saw him before he left for work, told him I was leaving, he seemed not concerned just like ok.. and as he's gone I packed up my life and my soon to come daughters life in garbage bags and left. Now, I think reality is hitting him, he's saying I'm running away and leaving the problems for him to fix, im not being accountable for my own flaws.. just generally making me out to be the bad guy. I'm scared to death that he's going to end it for good which I don't want. I did this to help us and our future. And im struggling internally if I did the right thing or not.
ehunuki
Friday, October 6th, 2017

How do u help an addict wen they suffer with mental illness and demand and abuse u I feel that I helped because I am tired off the driving around scabing money off people its tecttic
Mrs Jones
Friday, October 6th, 2017

i love a man how is addicted since last 7 years.Now we are going to marry. Arrangments for marraige are done.But since last 4 to 5 months he has again start taking drugs(Cocaine and meth) and he is also involved in a woman in his office(2 years older than him).he replace me with her.He has no time for me.its me who is making effort to talk to him,date and calls.After my many calls he respond but showing that he is to busy with his co-workers and with his parents.But when is checked his mobile,it shows that he is in contact with that lady.Please reply on my email id
Deborah
Sunday, October 8th, 2017

Hello everyone I read a lot of stories we have a lot in common. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. He's been struggling with a cocain addiction since 2011 went to jail for 3 years got out back on drugs. I done everything from putting him out to cutting him off from even trying to go to rehab with him even tho I'm not an addict. I don't lost our home because when he's high he will mess up the house and everything I work hard for. I stayed because I thought and prayed he could get better and things would change. We have two kids together our daughter is 7 and our son is 1. I'm 25 and my husband is 27. He's facing charges right now of demestic violence and injury to a child because he bit her on the wrist because she was trying to protect me. I hope they will send him to rehab vs prison. I feel sad because my daughter trying to protect me and I should have stayed away from him till he got it together. Was just trying to have a family night at the movies if I knew he was using I would have never been around him. Now cps is involved and he has a 2 year restraining order out and his visits will be supervised. All I can do is pray for him pray he gets better. I learn that I can't change him or make him stop using he has to want it. He can go to rehab all day everyday but it's going to have to take him to want it and for God to help change him. I'm a believer that the lord will turn him around he might have to hit rock bottom but I know in my heart he will have a testimony and I will too. I pray for each and everyone of you if you man is abusing you please get out and if you have children leave before something bad happens or cps take the kids. We love these men's but they have to love themselves for them not to do the drugs and get help. They have to want it all we can do is pray for them don't talk down on them just pray. I'm praying for everyone that's going through it it's not a good feeling at all. The lord can turn it around things keep happening because we be trying to change them and fix them so god be like I can't do anything to help if you going to stand in the way let god and let god. I'm praying for everyone and their love one
Adriana
Thursday, October 12th, 2017

My husband is a meth addict he leaves whenever ever he wants and comes back when he's coming down I'm tired if this situation .. His cheating with drug addicts he steals our hard earn money I'm tired of calling the cops and they don't help I just want him out of my life😣
aida
Wednesday, October 18th, 2017

Well written article in codependency. Fading out codependecy is a process. It doesn't happens overnight. Important precursors to stop the nightmare of codependency is to explore self care, self love and self forgiveness. In my case, choosing good habits such as organic nutrition, daily movement (cardio) exercise, awareness of spending fun-quality-time with someone I care (my kid, or a friend) and registering for a course or topic I am interested in learning, have been necessary steps to achieve some detachment slowly but surely from the addiction drama or the addict partner. I am not there yet where I want to be. But I have faith I will be 100% independent some day. That's my goal.
Tresa
Wednesday, October 25th, 2017

Should i stop trying to tex him or call him.im so angry ive been traped in his crazy world for years hes only sober for 3 to 4 monthes at a time cause i worked with him i left him and got back with him 5 monthes ago we renewed our vows. And 2 days ago he went to warsh his truck and never came back he stayed at his daughters with a crakehead friend of hers his daughters does drugs also .alote of crap happen there my husband ended up spending all his money in 2 days today .should i stop calling him and texing i feel like ive been living a lye and our vow renewed was a big ass joke.help
Felicia
Thursday, October 26th, 2017

This is something that I really needed to see. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. we have two beautiful daughters. Our oldest H has a disability and was just diagnosed last year and she is 3.5 years old. Our youngest Z is turning 7 months next week on Halloween. My heart hurts because I know that I am slowly falling out of love with him because he keeps choosing his addiction over his family. He does cocaine and he snorts it from what I know but he is constantly lying to me about it. money will disappear out of our joint account and when I question it of course he gets defensive because when his direct deposit hits that's clearly money he worked for but whenever I see an atm withdrawal I cringe because there is no guarantee that the money will be spent on positive things. its heart breaking, and frustrating to the point it makes me sick. I am 24 and he is 27. I feel alone. I already feel like a single mom. Don't get me wrong he is a great dad but at times he can be absent. The last thing I want is for us to not be together but I feel like I'm being dragged into this mess with him. But whenever I need to take action I go numb and see our history flash before my eyes. I remember falling in love, going to different places, talking about plans, remembering the birth of our girls..and then I come back to earth and remember what he's doing. im lost. and I wish someone could give me the yellow brick road to a different situation but I know ultimately it comes down to me.. - F
Anabel
Thursday, October 26th, 2017

Hello ladies, i am writing as a little light of hope for some of you. Ive to have been married for almost 5 years to a man addicted to meth. We have an awesome 3 year old daughter who thinks the world of her dad. I have dealt with him leaving, cheating, all the same stuff most of you have gone through but this article has the begining steps to start over. The fact that you ladies are even searching for help or even someone to talk to is a big step. There is help every where. I turned to a church that i was not awear had a program called celebrate recovery that helps with co dependency.... my first step was turning everything over to God... when i say everything i mean everything, i gave him my trust that he would handle everything. Over the course of a year, a lot of praying and talking to other women with similar situations, He has put us in a better place. I found a faith based rehab which is called John 3:16 (for anyone in the arkansas area interested) and my husband has finally decided to change his life. Now it is to early to say he has changed and every thing else but the fact that he is there is amazing! God has put me in a job where i am able to support us while he is gone and he keeps blessing me left and right and i truely believe it is because i am putting all my faith in God alone. I give all the thanks to Jesus Christ for what he has done in our lives. This article should open your eyes that we have been enabling our partner without really realizing it but now that you know you have a co dependecy issue what are you going to do about it? Do not just sit at home and keep crying about your situation, make some kind of change. look for programs in your area like Celebrate recovery (which is in alot of areas in the US) put yourself out there to actually make a change and most importantly count of God. Turn to him, let him know how you feel and open up to him. Hes always been there. I am praying for all you, i know how tough it is but a scripture that always kept me going was James 1:2-6 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of you faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."
Amanda Andruzzi
Thursday, October 26th, 2017

To all of you I have not answered; I am sorry that I had a life circumstance that took me away from this blog and helping all of you. My daughter had to have a major surgery, that did not go well and it was a long road but as all things go, they get better with time, patience and a positive outlook. I want you to know that although I can not answer all of you individually, I have just read all of your stories and not one of you have gone unnoticed to me. I do not usually make blanket replies but there are so many posts that I think I can say something to all of you that will resonate. When we choose, either consciously or subconsciously to allow a person to infiltrate our lives who is sick then their reality becomes our reality. We will search for answers and do everything we can do and beyond to help a person that simply refuses to help themselves and we are left with nothing. We cannot fool ourselves into thinking this is for love, this has to do with our own issues. We have either become tainted by, seduced by, and/or addicted to the person and their troubles. We are mistaking this drama for an intense love when in fact real love is nothing like this. Love is about trust, faith, respect, caring, and feeling safe and wanted by a person, which is downright the opposite of a relationship with an active addict. An addict puts their drug of choice first and you cannot compete. Once you accept that, you have to start taking responsibility for the situation you allow. There is no straight answer on how you should handle your situation but the key is this; you must change what you are doing and how you are doing it. For some this means leaving or asking the addict to leave (or having the police escort them out), for others it means emotionally letting go and living their life again despite what the addict is doing, for some it means an ultimatum and intervention but for most it means moving on. It is difficult to become spiritually and emotionally healthy while being in a relationship with someone who is clearly not. I was just like you and now I know what the difference really is. It really was about me. I used my husband's addiction to hide behind. I was ill too, an enabler, and I was not happy with myself so I stayed and used his addiction and my "love" as an excuse to stay. I was never going to get better unless I started to focus on me and create my own reality, not the one that someone handed to me. Look at this situation as a learning experience, a way to grow and become a better person, more enlightened and a person who appreciates and loves life. That is what the opportunity is for you here. Don't stay in the cycle, break it! Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Michelle
Saturday, October 28th, 2017

Been together for almost 12 years and married for three years now and have been enabling my husband, he has a math problem and has also been cheating the whole time. There of the so-called honeymoon stage and then later on that day it can be fighting. Part of me wants to walk away and part of me wants to stay, so depressed most of the time crying a lot I just don’t want to make the wrong choice. I am devoted to my vows but when is too much too much? Been waiting for a sign from God to tell me what to do I just don’t know .
Sarah
Saturday, October 28th, 2017

How to stop being an enabler: Stop enabling. Yeah okay, great advice.
Kim
Sunday, October 29th, 2017

I am crying reading this. We were suppised to celebrate our 25 wedding anniversary this month. Instead, we are making monthly trips to family court to folliw up whether he is still attending rehab and counseling (no). I have never used the word ENABLING, and always thought I was SUPPORTING him, assisting him, with guidance. I cannot do it anymore. I am mentally and physically exhausted... and worried fir my kids. Hr is their father...
christina
Monday, October 30th, 2017

I'm living with a basic husband i work he does nothing I don't have money to get a apartment i live paycheck to paycheck i have to pay all the bills i want to get my own place but how if I have no money for security deposit and a month rent please is there some one that can help me it's been 4 yes now
Leigh
Tuesday, October 31st, 2017

Hi, Well my husband has replased after the longest time clean he has had in years. He was clean for almost 6 months. We have been testing him so i know i'm not being lied to. He finally admitted he used coke again this week. I could tell from his rude behavior. I feel numb right now - no tears. Not even the energy to fight. I asked him to leave for the night telling him its over. But i know i can't do it. I just can't deal with the humiliation of having it end. I've told his mom, i've told his sister, still he doesn't seem to be accountable to anyone including me. What can i do???? i should i support him again? What is the end going to look like for me and my kids. If i'm going to divorce is there something i should do to officially record that he is an addict. I'm sure he will be a massive jerk when we get a divirce so i will need proof. I frel sick. Amanda - i hope your daughter is recovering well. I'm sorry to you have to hear all this self inflicted abuse and disfunction when your daughter and you have to live through a tramatic ill ess with no choice in the matter. You must be a kind compassoionate person.to be able to respnd to these comments. L
Jackie
Sunday, November 5th, 2017

How to let him go without pain
Yolanda
Friday, November 10th, 2017

My husband is an addict and from what I've read in your article so far I'm a enabler, co-addict and I'm tired. When is it time to let go and move on? Is answering his calls after he has messed up not a good idea? Is taking him food and clean clothes doing too much of he ask? I don't know when to cut him off. As his wife I believe that the vows "for better or for worse in sickness and in health" means stick it out. When is enough enough to say I'm done and not feel like I'm not honoring my vows. I'm so confused. I want to take back control of my life but I want my husband and or marriage. Help?
Jill
Tuesday, November 14th, 2017

Hello. I have been married for 17 years. My husband injured his back 13 years ago, and he has been on prescription pain pills since. Over the years (like 9 years ago)he has tryed other prescription pain pills" off the street" from people or friends he knows to help with his pain. He also smokes marijuana several times daily, beginning in the morning with his coffee and cigs. Just recently I found an Arbys wrapper in the garage ( a tin foiled topped wrapper) with burn marks and ashes on it...? I brought it to his attention, and he ripped it out of my hand, and became very angry "that I would accuse him of doing something wrong" I looked it up online and I beleive it is black tar heroin.. I confronted him again, and he tells me to ask my 16 and 18 year old kids if they know what it is, or "maybe their friends" left it here. My kids looked at it and didn't know what it was, my daughter said it looks like incence that was burned. So since then, he has called me every name in the book, and even became so angry, he tryed spitting on me, although he missed. I do drink a couple glasses of wine after work while i cook dinner, and now hes calling me an alcoholic fat $$s, who is crazy and that I have lost my mind and went crazy for coming up with this new finding. Just a couple hours ago he texts me that it was prob chain saw oil and dust in that wrapper from blades he had wrapped up. I DO NOT believe him as there were clearly ashes in the wrapper. Long story shortened, I feel like he is robbing me of a good marriage. His life is focused on pills, and fentantyl patches, always counting them to make sure he has enough. Almost daily he wakes up miserable, due to not taking pills during the night, and waking up in pain. However, this is the time he is most verbally abusive, and I have to hear of the things that I do not do right. He is happiest when he gets home from work, when his pupils are pin point, and he looks high. He has 22 year old people come over , here and there for half hour at a time (he is 45). I asked him why he is talking to a 22 year old, and he snapped it was his friend, and that I should get some(because we recently moved). SO TODAY, i told him, I am done with this lifestyle, and can not do this anymore. He keeps telling me I've snapped, and had gone crazy. Please help me..thank you.
mel
Tuesday, November 14th, 2017

I've been with husband for 9 years going on 10 next year. We got married this year after we were married everythingwent down hill. He wasn't acting the same his attitude changed he was always mad. He was never home at night and out with friends and he always gets mad at me for small little things.last month I noticed something how he ddint sleep at night and his wedding ring dissapered and some of our stuff dissapered too. I then started searching through his drawers and found what I was afraid it was. I was right he was on something. My husband has a very bad temper how do I approach him of this. I asked him before but he would denie and get upset. How do I approach him now that I've seen the evidence.
Gayla
Wednesday, November 15th, 2017

I left my addict crack cocaine..he still tries to contact me and etc. He showed up at my house Saturday evening and he was drunk and pupils dilated. I ask him to leave and he would not, so I called cops. I found out he stole a car from dealership he was working at and sold his cell phone and went on a drug binge. There is two felony warrant charges for him and stolen car. He is on the run and living on the streets..he is calling me from different places and blaming me. He says I set him up Saturday night. That he just wanted to stay at my house to sober up but I am too selfish to do this. He said it is my fault he stole car and went on a binge. So the least I can do is help him out. He said it's cold outside..he has no home to go to and etc. And cops are looking for him because of warrant. Did I cause him to relaaspe? Should I have let him stay at my house? Help.
Maria
Wednesday, November 15th, 2017

The father of my 2 kids has always had a problem with alcohol and also used marijuana. I used to drink with him as well but never felt the weed and alcohol to be a problem. It wasn’t until he wanted to go drink with friends frequently while leaving me behind with our first daughter that we started having problems. He pushed me a couple of times but never punched or hit me. He would still leave to drink. After many years of heavy arguing he finally stopped going with his friends to drink as much. We agreed on once a week and as long as he was home by 11pm. He did very well until we had our son. He started using spice for about a month but it was so bad, he acted like a zombie and would ask people for money. He even tried selling his gaming devices but I stopped him. I took him to a hospital where he got anxiety meds to stop the withdrawals. He promised me he would not touch spice anymore but continued to drink heavily anytime he had days off , he would drink until he passed out and blacked out. He maybe drinks twice a week but can go weeks withou drinking when working. He works 10 hrs away and he is now gone 1-2 months at a time because we were saving for a down payment for a home and other items for the house. He wanted a break but his boss told him no so he got anxiety and started using spice . It’s been 10 days since I notIced the symptoms of him spacing out on the phone and not knowing what day it is. He stopped watching football and playing his online games because he is too high on spice I’m sure of that. Don’t know what to do since I’m a 10 hr drive and also work and take care of the kids. I’m trying not To call him anymore because it feels like I no longe exist to him when I do call him. I’m not sure there’s anything I can do, I spend my days in bed just sad and not wanting to do anything at all. Any suggestions ?
Dee
Tuesday, November 21st, 2017

Hello Amanda, this is my second time posting. I posted last when you were going through the tragic surgeries with your daughter, and for that, I pray she is doing well now. I recently got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after being completely disabled for almost 3 years. I also have Degenerative Disk Disease, and am literally crippled in pain 24 hours a day. I have no family AT ALL other than my husband (the addict). My issue is much more complicated because I'm severely ill and can't physically care for myself. I'm unable to drive, work, don't yet have disability benefits, and have absolutely no support system other than him. Although we recently had a very serious conversation, and he promised me that he would try to change, admitted that he was ashamed of stealing and asking me for my medication, I've learned that he is still lying to me about it. He doesn't steal my medication any longer, only because I keep my bottle literally inside my bra at all times, but he will ask me daily to give him some. If I don't, he acts like a brat, threatens not to "be there for me" and says not to ask him for anything when I need it, which I know is just a manipulation tactic. I've recently found the strength to just say "no" and not give in. But because of his addiction, he rarely works. He's in and out of jobs, will pay the bills for a few month's, then just lay in bed for 2 weeks, force me to sell enough of my medication to pay our rent or we would be kicked out obviously, then throws it in my face that he's been paying it for so many month's. I thought a husband was supposed to care for his family, and take on whatever burden necessary if his wife physically can't. My problem is that I physically can't just "build my confidence and leave". It's much bigger than that. If I could work and were healthy, this would have stopped a long time ago. I've never been the type of person to deal with a man treating me less than my worth, and have had absolutely no trouble leaving and pulling my life together in the past, with three young children. I physically can't do anything about my circumstances as far as resources or moving in with someone. My husband has to drive me to all my doctor appointments, carry me from the car to the bed, cook and clean after me, and is my caregiver. How do I get him the help he needs because that is the only way to resolve this. I wish Imy only problem was him being an addict, because I'd just find a place to stay and leave. How do you leave when you're completely bedridden and have no family or friends to turn to for emotional or financial support?
Carla
Tuesday, November 21st, 2017

Amanda, though it seems unbelievable, I was in a 35 year relationship/marriage and was basically clueless about my husband's drug use. My husband was always irresponsible with money and employment. I just thought him lazy. His time was difficult to track because he was a truck driver, but there were many hours where he disappeared to spend time with friends...against my wishes. Two years ago, after 30 years of marriage, I divorced him due to his irresponsibility and neglect to his family. Nine months after my divorce, which he fought to every pitiful end, acquaintances came forward to reveal that my ex had been using marijuana and possibly meth most of my marriage. I was floored. Since the divorce, he has spiraled to the point of living out of his car and being penniless. He constantly puts a guilt-trip on me and begs for support. I have given financial support and accommodations over the last two years while divorced from this man. I recently cut all financial support, but I let him use my shower and eat my food. I just want it to all stop. I feel mentally unwell and can't move into a healthy relationship with another man, and I really want that. I am 53 years old and I feel as if time is running short to find happiness. How do I let go of a man I loved who can't seem to take care of himself? He is the father of my children. I can't seem to find any peace. Currently, I am considering moving away from my home town, my family, and even my young adult children in order to get distance from my ex. I do not want to move if any other option is available, but he won't go away. My heart is broken, but mostly my mental health is wearing me down.
Tiffany
Friday, November 24th, 2017

I am so hurt. I have been with my fiance for 6 years. He and I are both prescribed xanax. We are very different taking them. He has taken up to 30 at one time.. He has broken up with me for the 7th time because he wants me to give him mine and also says if i dont I am being selfish. He says if I go off of them then he will. I have decided to do so .but he wants me to help him by giving him what he was prescribed.. But he would act mad or start arguments to say he needed more. This cant be love. He says im selfish for not helping him and its not love if i dont help him. His family blames me for him being on them because I should love him enough to let them go and yet he chose to leave me because I wouldn't give him what he wanted. I think if I go off them ..would he really? I have borderline personality disorder and suffer from depression and anxiety and see a psychiatric. He is prescribed xanax with suboxone.. How CAN a doctor do that legally? Do I let him go after 6 years and I get told he left me for being selfish and ignorant..he has been incarcerated over and over the whole 6 years and i left once and then went back. I have lost me and feel so insecure and very hurt. He cant REALLY love me.
Mel
Saturday, November 25th, 2017

7 long years of marriage to a husband who had a coc problem in the beginning...I helped him stop...atleast I thought I did...I didn’t know anything about drugs so I didn’t realize how serious the problem was...after 2 years of being clean he became addicted to prescription pills...after helping him stop that I was visiting my parents out of state I come back to find him hooked on heroin...after helping him stop that and thinking we were finally making positive moves and moving forward he become hooked on crack...it’s been 6 months since I kicked him out...he left Me with nothing no car No home no money ...thank god I have a wonderful family who have taken me and my 3 kids in...I just got a job and I’m doing what I have to do and it feels soooooo damn good to know I have taken positive steps forward when all he has done is bring me down and make me fall back...to all you out there who know what I have been through just remember your here on earth for a reason and it’s not because of a person who has a problem and wants to blame you...none of it is your fault ...it never was
Amanda Andruzzi
Thursday, November 30th, 2017

Michelle, Sara, Kim, Christina, Leigh, Jackie, Yolanda, Jill, Mel, Gayla, Maria, Dee, Carla, Tiffany & Mel, I want to answer you all individually but I think that I can address all of you to some degree together. You are asking questions about what more you can do to help and change your significant other/situation. I know that Dee has a very dissimilar situation where she is not physically capable of taking care of herself but for everyone else, do something different. Whatever it is you are doing, feeling, putting out there, taking inside, holding on to, is NOT working for you and not helping your situation right? So the only thing I can say is that you have to change the only thing you can; your behavior, your thought process, your outlook, etc. Positive thoughts, meditation, counseling, support groups, prayer, positive affirmations, and anything else you can do to further your own healing and situation regardless of what the addict is doing, is really all you can do. Dee, you may not be able to physically leave, but you can work on your own perspective on the situation. You can try using some natural therapies that might not only help your mental but also your physical conditions. You should try meditation and there are some amazing natural herbs that can research. http://www.raysahelian.com/multiplesclerosis.html is a great start to help you realize there are alternatives to pain pills. The key is to look to the positive and power through adversity because if you give up; you give up on life. I recently experienced a very serious issue that was life threatening and I refused to give up or give in and I researched and tried every single thing I could find and it took a long time but now I know that I can conquer anything with the power of my thoughts, my mind, with natural and western therapies. It was a collaborative recovery but anything is possible and the minute you tell yourself you can't, then you can't. Please, to all of you, do not give up on yourself. You are strong and being with an addict is proof of that so do whatever you need to do for YOU right now to create a better life for yourself. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Renee
Friday, December 1st, 2017

My husband is on cocaine he does it with his brother's I don't think he will ever stop as long as he stays around his family. I'm at the end of my ropes ready to get a divorce. We have been married going on 9yrs next Month I don't think we are going to make it. He is starting to discuss me
Leigh
Saturday, December 2nd, 2017

Renee, My husband is also a cocaine addict ( currently recovering). He has told me having the cocaine drug tests has been a deterent. I test him periodically and i do it knowing ge will be negative but seems to satusfy some accomplishment forr. Told him he has to leave if he tests positive. Just a suggestion. They lie lie lie. Itssooo hard. At least a drug trst has some truth. They are expensive however.
C
Saturday, December 2nd, 2017

I have had depression since I was 12, and severe anxiety for over 10 years. I have been on Prozac for 16 years (recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder), and have been on anxiety medication for 10. Since I've been married to my husband, he steals my anxiety mediation every month. Leaving me with barely any to get through my next doctors visit, which I have to pay $300 for. Everytime I ask him, he lies straight to my face. Stone cold lies. Of course, I know when he takes them because he turns into a completely different person. He will lie until I have to break him. It could be hours, days or months. This man is wonderful. I really do love him. He is an exceptional father, and does everything for us. I just can't take the stealing and the lying. He says he will change everytime. I've threatened to leave. I don't know what to do anymore. Someone help...
Carina
Sunday, December 3rd, 2017

I don't wanna enable my partner. I don't wanT to keep let ting him leave me for months at a time and sleep with women and do drugs drink ignore our kids. But I don't wanna move on either I don't wanna see a life without him. I don't know how to live with that. I feel like if I get over him I lose my family and if I stay and keep letting him come back when he says he wants to get better I lose my happiness too. So either way I don't get to be happy
Marcia
Monday, December 4th, 2017

I'm not really sure what to say.. I just know that I need help. Im am 100% sure that I am enabeling my husband. He is such a good person and is hurting so bad that I feel like I'm abandoning him when I vowed for better or worse. But I'm going on 8 years of marriage and 7 years of knowing my husband has a problem. We have 3 kids and they are 8,6 and 3 and are starting to really resent me for my flip outs. I can't bare to tell them What is really going on. I do feel I know what I have to do but leaving s ema like it would be so much more painful than just trying to sweep it under the rug. In the meantime this hasn't worked for me... my husband and I have become very distant and I feel extremely lonely in my marriage. Like I said... I'm not sure what I'm writing... I just figured if I actually reach out to someone... it's a baby step in the direction of what I need to do.
Leah
Wednesday, December 6th, 2017

Hello, I realize that I have made a very poor choice of jumping into a relationship too soon. My boyfriend seemed like the nicest guy. He is hard working and does his best to support his family. He is an alcoholic. I even caught him with crack once. He promised me he'd never do it again but I realize that most likely its a lie. In fact yesterday I talked to him about it and he said its ok to do crack once in awhile. Now I am seeing signs of him becoming too comfortable in our relationship in a negative way. He will tell me to shut up and I justify it by telling myself that it doesnt happen all the time or everyday so its ok. When I try and tell him the truth he tries to shut me up by yelling at me to SHUT UP! He demanded me to shut the fucking lights off this weekend. He over spends the money because he doesnt have self control. I am a stay at home mom and we have one child together and she is 5 months old, I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he has two children from a previous reIationship. So I depend on him with the finances. I was suppose to finally work a job this week and because of his poor money handeling I didnt have enough gas money to go to my job training. I have tried to justify his negative behaivor with his sickness with alcohol addiction. I have tried to be positive and ignore his drinking problem. But now I feel like he doesnt care about my feelings or insecurities that his drinking and drug use gives me. I also have PTSD from having a very toxic childhood from my parents drug and alcohol use. I even lost my mother to drug overdose. I have told my boyfriend multiple times about how I feel. In the beginning he'd promise to stop and now he says there is nothing wrong with him. I have no family that live in the same state as me. But I have my best friend and she has begged me to leave this relationship. I am in denial of being in an emotionally abusive relationship even though he has domestic violence record and his ex girlfriend took it upon herself to call me to tell me he would hit her. My boyfriend has not hit me or threatened me. I dont feel afraid of him but I feel emotionally drained. Yesterday I felt confident about leaving this relationship. I called family shelters and even set up a time to speak with somebody at a domestic violence place about resources and planning. But the moment my boyfriend came home I felt guilty and crazy. What if I am overreacting? How will my school aged kid feel about leaving her school. My biggest fear is the regret I will feel when I leave and I start to miss him. Or how sad and depressed I will feel when he moves on to another relationship. I just dont want to feel empty and lonely and depressed. But I also want to feel free. I want to raise my kids differently. I want control over my finances and life. I keep tricking myself into believing that I am the bad guy and I am overreacting. How can I keep myself in check during this moment of trying to move on?
Hopeful
Thursday, December 7th, 2017

Hi Amanda, I hope you can offer some advice as I don’t really know what to do. My fiancé and I are due to get married next year. We’ve been together 2 years. I knew he used to do cocaine when we got together but he told me he stopped and he didn’t need it anymore and I believed him. I never knew what to expect from someone who did cocaine as I’ve never been in a situation like this before. So like I said I believed him. He had a blip around xmas our first year together and he told me, and because he told me I thought that was it and it would be the last time. I told him and made it clear I was against it and couldn’t stand the stuff and he knew this. I told him if he ever done it again I would leave it. So anyway time went on, and all of a sudden I noticed a change in him and he admitted to me he started using again and smoking marijuana too once he had been caught out by me. I’m adamant I want to leave him but I love him. And he has told me he will change for me because I’m his life, he has started searching for counciling and therapy sessions because he doesn’t want to do it anymore. Do I believe him? How can I help him? I won’t stand for it. I’m 100% not an enabler, But I want to stand by him and help him because he’s never had anyone to support him. What can I do? I don’t want to risk getting married and him being addicted a few years down the line. Please offer advise even if you think I don’t want to hear it. It is 100% Much appreciated.
Angela
Sunday, December 10th, 2017

For almost 6 years I have been on a rollercoaster with a bipolar addict. He will sober up for brief periods and then go on a binge of drugs or alcohol when stress hits or a mood change.Just when I think we are making strides...he makes the selfish decision to use again. It's killing me inside. I have never been the number one priority. Everyone and everything else has. I pray every day for him. He just falls deeper into a depression. We were married, but not anymore. We live in separate homes. I have continued to stand by because I love him and do feel badly for him, but right now I am feeling badly for myself. It's a very lonely life with him since his addiction is back in full force. Please advise me. I don't want sugar coating...just honesty. Thank you and God Bless.
Leigh
Monday, December 11th, 2017

Hopeful, You are not yet married and don't have kids with him yet so think very carefully about your next steps. One thing i can garantee you is you will be lied to - no matter how open honest you tjink he is being. Tjis situation is probably alot worse than you already know. Cocaine addiction is a serious problem and it will rip your life apart - i know from my husbands experience. It does something to their brains that makes them ruthless liars and manipulative. Willing to do anything to keep using in secrecy. Its revolting. Good luck
Rcd
Sunday, December 17th, 2017

I have been with my husband for about 18 years, there has always been a substance issue. First it was alcohol, but that was “my fault” because I worked so much. Then after multiple domestic violence situations he stopped drinking. Now this past summer I found out he was using heroin. I have been believing all his stupid stories of tapering off and weaning, I feel ashamed writing this but we are always broke because I give him money so he won’t be sick, I make excuses to our kids 12 and 14 about why he is the way he is, I don’t want to leave because I pay the rent here and he doesn’t even have a job but I’m afraid to ask him to leave, sometimes I find myself daydreaming that he passes away because it seems that is the only way out of this
Lorelei
Tuesday, December 19th, 2017

I just found out that my husband is shooting up cocaine while I'm at work and he's responsible for our two month old baby. He had an allergic reaction to something in the drug and lied to me, saying it was something he ate. I discovered the truth when I went through his phone. What do I do? Take the child and leave? I'm so angry that he would put our baby son in danger. Please help, any advice would be great.
Leigh
Friday, December 22nd, 2017

Lorelei, What a terrifying realization that must have been. It is even more disappointing when husband lets down your children even more so than yourself. Create some rule boundary now regarding his drug use. And make SURE you follow through with it otherwise he will continue to abuse your support and trust if he sees you don't follow through. So make sure it is something you WILL do if he uses again. You can order drug tests online. Good luck.
Jackie
Friday, December 22nd, 2017

Hi a very good Blog,quiet informative. My problem is my addict husband,whombo divorced and remarried is a high functioning addict. People do not believe its him they thinks its me. I am seperated now and filing for another divorce he is sexually,verbally,violent and emotional abusive. Crack-cocaine n alchol his drug of choice i am a minister of God. Forgave n forgiven enough is enough. They are perfect liars!
ria
Saturday, December 23rd, 2017

my husband is taking heroin daily from an year, always fighting with me what should i do so that he will stop using it i want to make his life safe plz show me the way
Maria @ Addiction Blog
Monday, December 25th, 2017

Hi Ria. I'm really sorry to hear the struggles you and your husband are going through. I suggest you take a look at this article for ideas. How to help your husband with drug addiction = http://drug.addictionblog.org/how-to-help-your-husband-with-drug-addiction/ Additionally, you can always join Nar-Anon. These support groups help family and friends of addicts recover from the effects of living with an addicted relative or friend. Other helpful resources: American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator for seeking treatment facilities in the United States
Sarah
Sunday, December 24th, 2017

I'm seeing a guy its a new relationship not been seeing him long he wants me to help him get clean and has asked for me to support him. I know nothing of crack and heroin addiction so I am feeling a bit like I'm useless and can't help him and its hurting me because he has took valuable things from me and my daughter and I don't know what to do
Bailey
Monday, December 25th, 2017

Dear Amanda, my boyfriend is addicted to opiates. He keeps telling me he'll stop after Christmas or after New Year's, he took a sleeping pill tonight to sleep. I think it's feeding his addiction, I keep telling him not to and it'll ruin what we have. He says he loves me but he just needs to sleep. What should I do?
Dianne
Thursday, December 28th, 2017

This whole article is me. Is it wrong for me to not want to leave him? Like the article says I love him but hate him at the same time. He is addicted to grass, suffers from depression and anxiety. He is on meds but they are not doing what they are suppose to do. He doesn't tell everything to family doc as he thinks he is getting better. Ha. So far from the truth. He was seeing a phyciatrist but stopped as the quack lost his licence. I'm going to get your book to see if it helps.
Holly
Saturday, December 30th, 2017

I have been dealing with this for 7yrs now and have heard all the excuses, apologies, tears begging etc that one can hear and I keep giving him another chance and he promises to go to rehab, meetings etc says he hates himself. I don't know if I am staying for him,myself,or the kids. I do know that my feelings have changed towards him I love him yes but my heart is cold. I have know him since we were 8yrs old and we're always best friends which makes it hard. I have got self help books, addiction books, books about understanding your loved ones addiction but I don't understand myself. I have no support system so I am lost and I have never reached out like this but this past event has opened my eyes. I do not want to leave him but fear that's the only choice.
Dianne
Saturday, December 30th, 2017

Hi. This whole article is about me and my husband. He is an addict, suffers from depression and anxiety. Is on meds but not working as they should. Family doctor no help as husband doesn't tell him everything. Was seeing physiciatrist but stopped because quack lost his licence. Great doctor eh, and he is the one that got us all into this mess. I will get your book now I know about it. I need help.
Star
Sunday, December 31st, 2017

Hello, like your blog says, I am in crisis and im seeking out help right now. I love my husband more than anything. 15 years ago he was in a horrific car accident which left him in constant pain and on a life long path of pain meds. When we first started dating he was prescribed methadone for his pain and i thought it was absurd. once we got married he switched to Percocet and started taking the entire bottle within a week. since we were married in 2013 it has been the same thing every month. we have tried everything from hiding the pills and locking them up but he somehow finds them or breaks in and takes them all. my marriage consists of 1 week of having pills and having a happy husband and 3 weeks of him sitting on the couch in pain and calling sick to work. I dont know what to do. everything else in our life is great, its just these stupid pills! and the pain that will never go away! i feel like every doctor just wants to give him more pills and there is no where for either of to get the help we need. its so frustrating :(
Amanda Andruzzi
Sunday, December 31st, 2017

I want to address all of your separate situations but I will try to answer or at lease advise each of you through some blanket advice that will hold true for all of you. Does your relationship feel good and free and loving or are do you feel ashamed, guilty and have to hide what really goes on to others? An addict will lie all of the time, straight to your face and promise you anything you want to hear. they can't help but lying because they don't want to stop using and they don't want you to go and the drugs change their ability to be like you and me. If you even feel like you are being lied to or that something is not right LISTEN TO THAT FEELING! They will do anything to convince you that you are overreacting or crazy but the truth is, you are under-reacting. If this relationship is something you are questioning, then maybe you need to take a step back and think long and hard about if you want it to continue. The only way to make a real change is to make it yourself and stop depending on them to change because more than likely they won't. That is not to be negative and say that no one can change but I can tell you this; if you have to urge them, force them, it probably won't stick for very long. Amanda Andruzzi
Tanya
Tuesday, January 2nd, 2018

I left mine divorced last year and as I look back I thank my past self for leaving because I knew he wasn’t going to change. And I wasn’t going to continue to enable him. I moved into an apartment and now I’ve bought myself a house and also proved to myself that I don’t need a man or him for that matter to be happy. Yes I loved him and still think about him but I’ve moved on and I am out of that toxic unhealthy relationship. Just like they have to want to change so do you. Stop making excuses for them.
Lori
Sunday, January 7th, 2018

I have been living with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I know he does coke. And three times since we've been together he stayed on all night came home and told me he got into crack. He said he was going to get help but of course never has. I find myself never trusting him constantly watching his every move. He's always stuffed up and blowing his nose. Found Hollow pens with white powder in it and little baggies with white residue hidden in the car and his coat pockets. He tells me he's not a big drug addict I seem to think he is. And that I have problems with trust. 2 years we've been together he's never once showed me his paycheck he gives me money towards the bills but I have no idea how much money he's keeping or how much you spending. But he always seems to be broke. In my head I know I need to end this. But my heart won't let me do it
Ann
Wednesday, January 10th, 2018

I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for almost 4. I knew he was an addict in recovery when we met and I instantly fell in love with his spirit and love of life. He made me feel special and he was always so affectionate towards me. He made me feel loved. Then he relapsed. Then he started lying to me. Then he started stealing from me. He finally admitted that he had been using meth on/off for almost 3 years. His previous DOC was cocaine. He went to treatment, this wasn't his first time, but first time since we were together. He started telling me he wanted to change, that this time was different and he knew the tools that could help him stay clean. At almost 60 days clean, he relapsed again. I was devastated but still allowed him to come home, still supported him. He continued to relapse and not come home like his previous patterns. More lying and stealing. I had reached my limit. I changed the locks and told him he couldn't come home. I didn't answer his calls to let him in the house, made him stay away for over a week. He says he hasn't gotten over that. I feel terrible for the things I have done in reaction and response to his addiction. I know the principles of Al-non and CoDa but yet I still can't lovingly detach and know when to show empathy. I finally said it was over and that I couldn't do this anymore. He made plans to leave, to go across the country to a sober living environment. That he would let me go and heal. I am having so many second thoughts. I don't want this marriage to end. But I just don't know how to rebuild trust, how to rebuild such a broken relationship. Should I just let him go and move on?
Leigh
Friday, January 12th, 2018

Anne - Yes. Let him leave.
Cth
Monday, January 15th, 2018

10 years together, 6 years married, 3 beautiful children (12yo, 4yo, 9 month old baby). Struggled for 10 years on and off until the good times no longer stood out. The bad cycles became closer and closer together. Every morning, holiday, weekend, vacation I spent alone with 3 children bc he was too dope sick to be with us. My story is the same as yours... his lies, manipulation, money draining, stealing, mood swings, viotile emotional abuse and behavior. Finally, my last straw, he did not get up for Christmas morning. He missed his kids do presents. I hosted a beautiful dinner for his whole family and he never left the bedroom. He was in there crying and sweating with fever and sickness like every other recent weekend and special event when he was away from that sick city he’d go to everyday to get drugs. My husband was stolen from me by drugs. Started with legit prescription to pain pills for work injury and spiraled out of control. We went through counseling, meetings, doctors, therapy and everything. I finally realized I was enabling him to not have to participate in real life. I made excuses for him, denied my gut instincts, it took 3 weeks after he failed a drug test for him to admit he had a problem. He’s living at family members, begging to be a better man, and showing up everyday to be the best dad and “husband”. A natural planner by nature, I am just taking one day at a time, new for me. But I’ve been so lonely these past years with him right in our house, I would rather be alone and happy than be married to an addict and feel lonely. My focus is the kids and myself for once. I actually think I am not only saving myself, I am saving him. This has forced him to acknowledge the problem and seek serious health. I have nothing but hope for him, and still love the man he was and is under the addiction, but I will not go back into that marriage.
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, January 17th, 2018

Thank you for the last few posts and sharing your stories. I am inspired every time I hear that someone has mustered up the courage to leave and respect themselves by putting their life first for a change over an addict’s addiction. Thank you. For me personally leaving was the absolute best thing I ever did. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Evelyn
Sunday, January 21st, 2018

I am just like the person who wrote the article. I do want to stop enabling my husband. He is not going to change, and nothing I do will help, only continue to enable, unless I do something. I want to thank you for writing this article, because it really woke me up as far as what I was doing. I have to work through the fears of what will happen if I stop, such as my husband being on the street with no home to go to, etc. I am asked to fund drug sprees, and I am tired of it, and become afraid. Thanks again for writing the article. i am hoping I can find someone to help me to be accountable, someone who has been through all of this. Thanks again, Evelyn
Mina
Monday, January 22nd, 2018

I have lived with a addict for over 25years. He took heroin for about 20 years and is clean of heroine for nearly five years but is on methadone but he has took crack cocain for 25 years now he takes it occasionally when he has excess money this still effects me and our 3 grown up daughters we tell him it has a negative effect in our lives emotionally but he just says sorry and he will try again. Iv told him I’m going to live him but never do wer would wego we all live together and have no extra finances to move .
Sonya
Wednesday, January 24th, 2018

It’s interesting to hear your take on enabling an addict of a love one. What if a person is doing al he or she can in empowering oneself and their addict continues down that path of self destruction? Not every mate, family member or friend to an addict is an enabler. When my husband is high or binging and then experience his psychosis withdrawals, I leave the room to sleep in another part of the house. According to the Holy Scriptures, if I feel unsafe, I have grounds to separate but meanwhile I have to continue walking in my faith and truth. He is accountable for himself. And if i ever feel unsafe, I will leave, hopefully he will see the need to seek professional help. I’m active with my spiritual family, which he’s always included, go to the gym weekly, and maintain a healthy outlook of focusing on daily and weekly goals to accomplish. Thus far I’m feeling great, but my addict is still stuck. I don’t have a fear of being alone. I’ve addressed my issues in therapy years ago, whatever they could have been, so I’m clear on what i deserve and should have out of this life. So what else is your next suggestion if enabling isn’t the underlying issue of person dealing with a love one who’s an addict?
Kira
Thursday, January 25th, 2018

You're article describes me and how I feel to a T . Thank you it makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone and I can do something to change myself.
Mercedes
Saturday, January 27th, 2018

I am new to this game. I have been with my husband for 15 years, and just a week ago had my suspicions and found his stash of meth. I couldn't believe my eyes! We are both drinkers and I knew when I met him that he dabbled in drugs in his younger days. I to dabbled with pot before I had children. He has off and on smoked pot, but quit entirely when he obtained his current job. It is a good job and he makes great money. In the last few months he started smoking pot again, just a little here and there and I allowed it as it was not a daily occurrence. Recent changes in behavior made my instincts flair and I decided to start searching for what he could possibly be hiding from me. That is when I found the meth. At first honestly I didn't even know what it was, I actually had to do my research. I finally got the nerve to show him what I had discovered and he claimed he does not have a problem and it was just something he had tried a couple of times. I flushed it and told him to get rid of anything related. He seamed honest and sincere and we agreed we would work through this. The next day he had stated that the supply he had was not just his he was holding for a friend and needed to replace that friends portion. The next day he had stated that he had done so. Because I don't trust that, I once again went searching and found a new supply in a different hiding place. I rigged the hiding place to see how long the supply has been touched and it has been each day. I am now at a place that I don't know what to do. I just ordered your book and am hoping it will help. We have one daughter (his biol daughter whom I adopted and have raised since she was one) left at home. She will graduate next year. Do I stick this out until she is out of school instead of up rooting her and moving on? I have a lot to think about. This article has really helped and I hope to fix me instead of worrying so much about him.
kim
Saturday, January 27th, 2018

My ex-husband is a alcoholic and a crack addict, I made the mistake of letting him stay here because it was cold and he is in poor health...he doesn't pay any money even though I asked him to pay 400. A month, he eats my food and refuses to pay any money, he works but all his money goes for crack and beer and cigerates...recently I have come home from work and he has his crack buddies here... He has treated me saying he will take a sludge hammer to everything I own if I kick him out. Everything I have read says I have to get an eviction notice which cost money that I can't afford.. what can I do he won't leave and I'm really a nice person who can't put someone out in the cold.. it's getting bad my nephew came to visit for a couple of days it was hell cause my ex acted terrible yelling and my nephew was so upset he cut his visit short which embarrassed me so bad...when he gets drunk which is every day he is calling me terrible names and treating me...I can't deal with this anymore...I should have never let him in we have been divorced since 2006.can someone please give me advice...
Chelsea
Sunday, January 28th, 2018

My boyfriend of more than 3 years woke me up in the middle of the night a week ago to tell me that he's been doing cocaine and lying to me about it for 3 years and that's it's starting to get worse and scare him and he needs help. He has had problems with addiction since he was a teenager. He first started using cocaine about 7 years ago and it destroyed his relationship at the time and his chance at getting to raise his then baby girl. He stopped but then he relapsed over and over. When I met him he told me none of that at first but when I found out I told him that I would not start a relationship with someone abusing drugs and he said he would quit, which he did, or so I thought. He relapsed a couple times in the first year but would come home and tell me and we would talk for hours with many tears and holding involved. Life moved on and we had a beautiful daughter who is now 1 year old. And now here he is coming to me telling me that he has continued to do it on and off our whole relationship and has lied to my face without even a flinch, because as he tells me, he is an excellent lier thanks to both his childhood and his training while in the navy. I want to help him, I don't want to enable him. I love him and he is a great father to our daughter and to his three other daughters that we get every other weekend. He battles with terrible depression and all of his friends do one drug or another and he refuses to sever those ties because he says his friends have always been the ones who have his back since he was never able to rely on his family. He says he wants help bit at the same time he pushes me away. He admits to his problem and says he's trying but he says it's so easy for him to get and he gets so bored so easily and that's when he starts to think about it and then the thought doesn't leave him. I walk on pins and needles at home because of his anger and outbursts. I don't want this life for our daughter or for myself but I know that he is and can be a great man if he can find a way to control this. I've told him that's he's not alone and that I'm here but that if he doesn't take steps to get better that I won't be...that he has to try. I'm in the process of getting him health insurance so he can see a doctor and get on antidepressants and to see a therapist or counselor. I'm trying but during the whole process I feel sick to my stomach, the trust is gone, I worry when ever he's not home, when ever he goes to the bathroom or to the basement. I worry constantly about everything where I feel myself sinking into depression. I just don't know what more I can do. I need hope that this can get better.
Kate
Wednesday, January 31st, 2018

Im still numb from yesterday— the day my 2 adult boys , my daughter in law ,myself and my drug addicted husbands parents decided to attempt an intervention. we all showed up at my house unannounced to confront and show him proof that we know what hes beenndoing for years that had affected his 2 grown boys and is now starting to affect our 10 and 12 year old still at home w us . He blamed me said i got everyone believing its a drug problem that causes his outbursts and breaking things but its having to live w me ..and a fee chooce vulger words.... its me now that will need the help now nit him . My 2 older boys begged cried for their dad to admit and get help because they love him ... he admitted to using “sometimes” but insists has it under control and can stop if needed. Hes 50 years old .. cocaine, and meth is choice . up f 3 or 4 days straight and my 12 year old daughter confused as to why dad doesn’t function like us mom ? whats wrong w him ? hes forgetful about everything and swears never said or i told him that . His parents did get him to pack up clothes to stay w them so they can try to help him , whatever he agrees to that is . Now that hes out i feel so bad for my kids , im the bad mom now .. their dad works 24 days away so when he did come home for 14 they would get so excited— they adore their dad. please help me
Charne
Saturday, February 3rd, 2018

I been married 8 years and my husband may have been drug free 1 year in total. He's been to countless detox,and 14 days a 1 month treatments on and off of suboxin, cant kee a job and im tired . He wont commit to a longer treatment to treat his whole self and I don't have no more to give
Elle
Sunday, February 4th, 2018

Hi Amanda! I can relate with your story so much. I have been married to a drug addict for 12 years. We have three beautiful children. The years of lies, financial destruction, and just not being there for me and our children has taken its toll. Like some of the other posters, I too am a Christian. I have tried and cried and prayed and stayed until one day I just couldn’t anymore. I finally made my husband leave our home. It has been over a month now that we have been separated. This has definitely been an eye opener to him. He is currently clean and doing group work and meetings, while living with a friend and seeking employment. He has been extremely remorseful, telling me how much he loves me and wants to change and be the husband and father we have always wanted. I am just a little confused as how to proceed. I am terrified to let him come back, just to end up back in the cycle again. Yet I also feel hesitant about a full immediate divorce, due to my faith, our kids, and his willingness to seek help. I think the only thing to do is wait....Not let him back any time soon, and just see what he is capable of. But this place of limbo is very confusing. I know it is for me, but it’s also very confusing to my children and to him too. Not knowing what the future will or should bring is a scary place. I am definitely open to advice! Thank you so much for what you are doing, and taking the time to help others through the benefit of your experience.
Jocelyn
Monday, February 5th, 2018

I have finally told my husband to leave. We have been together for twelve years. He is an alcoholic, uses marijuana and is on narcotic prescription drugs. He drive with my kids under the influence and I kicked him out. I told him he needs to get help. I also told him I have n answer for him as to when he can move back in. This is the question he keeps asking. I am thinking I should file paperwork to show that he endangered our children. My 11 and 16 year knew he was slurring his words. My 16 year old actually drove instead of my husband driving because he could tell he was under the influence. I am not allowing my husband to be in the house, drive the kids or be alone with them until he has several months of sobriety. I am not sure if I should make this legal. I am afraid in the next couple of days he’s going to start getting nasty and try to come home.
Ana
Tuesday, February 6th, 2018

You gave me the exact thing I needed to hear and that I’ve been needing to do and this gives me a lot to change within myself. To be more confident and get back to who I am inside.
stacey
Wednesday, February 7th, 2018

I have been very certain for several months that my husband has been using meth. I have asked him and showed him questionable evidence for my asking and every time he denied it and got very defensive. I have been an emotional wreck and at a loss for what to do. It was just 2 days ago that I had undeniable proof in my hand and confronted him with it. I told him that I understand it's not easy to just stop cold turkey and that I I'm trying to be patient and compassionate. I cannot get on the Merry-Go-Round of waiting and believing that he will quit for me and our kids. I need advice on what to do. I am ready to get myself back and stop caring about whether he gets clean or not. Please help. Any advice?
Dee
Thursday, February 8th, 2018

This comment is for many of the women who have posted questions about leaving their husband, or have already done so and are unsure whether or not to allow him back into your lives. The very first thing ALL OF YOU need to research and truly understand is addiction. It completely changes the addicts brain and has absolutely nothing to do with love. They will always be an addict, whether or not they are sober now or have been in the past. Addiction is a disease, and unfortunately you cannot love it away. An addict will go to absolutely any length to obtain their drug of choice without a glimmer of concern for anyone/thing. It is NOT your fault, nor can you "fix" him. You can support him throughout recovery in a healthy manner, but the addict must truly be committed to sobriety, and that doesn't mean that he is simply because he said so. Every successful recovery program will advise couples to completely separate during the first few month's, without even so much as a phone call for up to 60 days. This is because they need to be fully focused on themselves, with no outside distraction, or familiarity which may trigger their brain to use. I highly advise each of you who are contemplating on leaving your spouse to do so. This doesn't have to be permanent, and you can support them in positive ways, however a change MUST occur on your side if you truly want to help him. He will not just stop. He will find better ways to hide his addiction and continue using and lying. That is a very sad, but true reality for every addict. Their brain has been wired to crave the drug, and there is nothing you can physically do to change that. They must get professional help and you must create solid boundaries which you will keep, no matter how much they began or promise. Always remember that the person you love is not the person talking to you in regards to their addiction, so don't take their comments or behavior personally. Distance yourself and definitely your children, set clear boundaries, obtain counseling for yourself, and only support healthy behavior. Do not accept anything they say at face value, regardless of who they used to be, because they are still an addict and require lifelong treatment. I wish you all the best. God bless!
lbb
Saturday, February 10th, 2018

I wrote here for advice over a year ago. I was in a toxic cycle of abusive behavior and addiction at the hands of my fiance. Eventually, even though I set boundaries, it exploded into something I could not deal with. He grabbed me by the throat until I could not breathe. I told him to leave and never come back. I had PTSD after this. I felt like I was a spectator in my own life and nothing around me seemed real. My fiance worried that I could report him to the police and he would go to prison. I debated this in my own mind for months. I felt he should pay for what he did but I did not want to ruin his entire life. It was my choice not to report him. It was a choice I made NOT LIGHTLY. We are now separated. He has taken it upon himself to quit drinking, get a job, get a car, and work on himself. Actions speak louder than words. If the addict in your life wants to change, he/she will figure out how. There is nothing you can do to make them. I am still emotionally wounded and cautious with my fiance. I have told him, in no uncertain terms, I can always decide to file charges against him later - in my state we have 3 years statute of limitations. I told him to do what is good and right for himself and maybe someday we can heal together. But we need this time apart now.
Amanda
Saturday, February 10th, 2018

My husband is buying pot after being clean of heroin for 1 year. I caught him and he flushed it and said he'll never do it again. I found pot again after he promised me and its half a pound. He says he got it for free and hes giving it back, which i know is a lie. And than I looked on his phone and found out that he was planning to invite a dealer in our apartment to cook crack. He says hes not doing it now because i caught him. He's only sorry if i catch him. I don't trust him. I don't know what to do. We broke up 1 year ago and he moved with his mom to a different state. 6 months later i moved to be with him but When I got here, he was smoking pot. He said he was a changed man. Hes working now. We got an apartment. He says the stress of money is making him turn to selling drugs. I don't know what to do. I don't believe him. We broke up a 100 times, and got back together. I dont have parents to talk to about this or anyone. I been praying to see what to do. I feel if i leave he will stop but i told him if i do i am not coming back. Am i doing something wrong. Am i stupid. I want it to work but i dont know what to do.
Sherrie
Thursday, February 15th, 2018

I just need some advice. My husband is the soul provider for our family. We have been married for 4 years, together for 6. We have 2 children and without him I basically have nothing. I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to really. I have tried to set boundaries. I tell him that more than anything, I refuse to be lied to. I understand he has an addiction and that's hard to overcome. I am more concerned with how easily he can lie to me and feel no remorse when I get hurt. That's when it becomes"my problem" because I keep looking for things to have a problem with. His response when I confront him about his pill addiction, he responds by saying that he's a grown man and can do what he wants. But the kids and I are the ones who suffer. He will said it makes him sick and he will spend the rest of the day and the bed...and all night...and all of the next day. He doesn't think I should be hurt. He "had"to lie to me about where he was going and what he did because he didn't want me to "freak out over nothing." Because to him, it's not a problem. I should also mention that our situation is extremely complicated. A month before we got married, we had a house fire in which I lost my two sons. They weren't his, but he had connected with them and I know that was very painful (not even close to the actual description of our feelings) for both of us. He sank into his addiction further and I started working two jobs 7 days a week. I tried to ignore the problem for a while. I would talk to him about my concerns, but he was always in some kind of pain that caused him to "need" them. Now I have several health issues that I'm dealing with of my own. I thought his problem was better. He kept telling me he wasn't doing any pills and I believed him for a while until I started seeing evidence. Now the trust is completely gone, the pain is unbearable. Not just for me, but also our 4 year old daughter and 1 year old son.i hurt for them because they deserve a better father. Sure, he goes to work and I mostly control the money so he can't spend that much, but he finds other ways to get money and he can also get them for free from on e of his "friends." The problem is that due to medical reasons, I can't work. I also can't qualify for disability yet. I can't just walk away. I have nowhere to go, no way to get there, no money. Without him I think my kids and I might suffer more. I just wish I knew what to do or how to get help.
Tami
Friday, February 16th, 2018

My husband has a drug problem sometimes he admits when he goes too far the other times he’ll get nasty and defensive that I’m crazy he’s not on anything I’m married a little over a year it’s my second marriage his choice of drug is herion I have 3 children he has 1 when he uses he’s hyper sweaty we can tell instantly this has been going on 2 years I’m with him 3 he’s had a problem since he was a kid, I’m lost I’ve thrown him out but then I take him back he’s cheated he lies and when he’s on it he’s verbally abusive if you don’t go along with his tone his quick to pick fights then he’ll crash and sleep for hours and hours where sometimes he can’t drive home from work and sleeps on side of road... I love him but this is destroying me my older children don’t live with me they are in college but they don’t like what he’s about he’s a good guy big heart but this drug takes over and that’s all people see his family is no help and think they had enough they’ll come over if he gets really bad but nobody helps me I have my mom to living with us and she’s had enough this is not healthy I walk on eggshells which person I will get that day I don’t know what do to anymore he got high 2nt and won’t admit it my son won’t confront him he’s 20 feels I need to throw him out and stand up for our family
Heather
Saturday, February 17th, 2018

I need help!!! Please email me back. I know i need to move on and leave I just don't know how to make my heart stop. I fell for someone I thought was finally ready to fix his life and he did for a long time. We met in 2013 he went to jail. He got out I got pregnant with our daughter. He changed his life. We got a rent to own home, he started up his own little business in summer of 2015 something changed he wasn't acting the same. Money was different. Then I found out he was on drugs again. We broke up. A month later I went to pay my rent money but there hasn't been a payment since the beginning of 2015. He used our rent money and wrote me fake recites. Took the notices off the door and told them my number was disconnected. I owned 4900 dollars if not the eviction was on its way! What!!!! I lost my home and now I have a court ordered eviction on my record. I cried for months I felt like a zombie. But I had to move. I found a nice apartment and I was getting back on track. We stayed separated for about a year and a half and I was finally self happy but I was alone. God never sent anyone in my life. I was at the top of my happiness and no one came for me. Well there was one but to many head games nothing happened sometimes I feel like I made the stuff up in my head. In Oct 2016 his mom calls me and said he got in trouble can he stay with you until everything with court is over. I said sure I couldn't let him live in empty houses. He got in trouble; it was only suppose to be a minor thing most likely only going to go to jail for a few months. I stayed head strong while he was there sure we had sex and stuff but I wasn't going to let my heart go there. He got a job and I seen the same change in him like the first time I fell in love. Even my parents was impressed with his changes they actually talked me into giving him a second chance; I finally did in Feb 2017. It was just like before we was building our life's I thought a few months in jail I can hand that we had forever. We wanted to extend our family. In June 2017 everything fell apart but worse!!!! My apartment complex found out about him kicked me out after they said his crime wasn't a minor thing it was a felony. After that I moved into a shit box place. Then one day I found him detoxing on my bathroom floor!!!! Turns out the whole time I gave him another chance he was back on drugs. This time I was shocked. He had a job money and everything! He even passed his court ordered drug test. They even let him off early because he was passing all of them! I was so pissed I drove him back to his mom's and said I was done! You ruined my life and lied long enough. Few days later a pregnancy test was taken and sure enough it said yes! What the hell I was this close to getting him out of my life and now his going to be a father to my second baby. Not even a month later in July he was sentenced to prison for 2years but he might get out sooner could file in 6 months for early release. I thought maybe this baby is our second chance. So I stayed and he was doing really well in prison. Going to drug classes taking GED and a man up class. Told me he was going to marry me after I seen the change in him. Then Dec2017 not even a month we can file for his release he get kicked out of his drug class. And moved to a new prison. And it's Feb 2018 he was caught smoking pot in the prison bathroom about to get locked down for either 30 or 90 days. Oh he got caught right before the judge read his release as soon as he found out the judge denied the release and now he has to spend the whole 2 years there. And I just had our son at the end of Jan. Said he smoked because he basically gave up on the idea of getting out early and upset cause he missed the birth of our son. I told him time and time again if he screws up this time I am walking away forever. I just didn't think it would happen while he was still in prison. And finding out he's in there the whole time. I figured he was going to get out and then screw up I was almost counting on it. I broke up with him but I have no clue what to do. I know my life was happier without him but it's hard to take that step after turning away. I so desperately wanted us to be a family. I was willing to wait those two years on a huge "what if" bases. You would figure it would be easier to walk away from someone not only in prison, that still does drug, but it's not and my biggest fear is what if this was it. I mean come on I was alone for a year and a half at the top of my game. I was taking care of my daughter, apartment and bills all on my own. Working on my physical appearance. Even started going to college. had a wonderful job. I felt pretty and amazing. But I felt so lonely and the only person that came into my life or I should say back into my life was the drug addict; that not only fooled me once.. twice.. but three times. They say the love of your life comes after the mistake in your life and when you least expect it. I thought he was the last person to come back into my life and it turned out to be the only one that came into my life. When we are good we are fantastic I'm talking my best friend soul mate type feeling. We are so much alike its like I had a twin. But when he's on drugs it's like a completely who the fuck are you person. Now I know the right thing to do is walk away and find me again. face it he's going anyway for another year and a half but it's like my mind is screaming at me to just pick up the pieces in my life and move on but it's like my body is paralyzed and won't move!!! I don't know what to do!!! All I have ever wanted in life was a family to call my own and a love like my grandparents. They went threw a lot of shit in their life But stayed as one for over 50 years. I want that!!! It's like my life is in a circle of problems just keep going around and around. Help!!
Kristine
Sunday, February 18th, 2018

I have been with my husband since I was 16. We had our first child in 1991. When we were 17. To this day after thousands of dollars spent on rehabs. He has never gotten better. He is a daily crack user. He steals money from me. I work. But he does not. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him but I cant live like this anymore. Please help I know that his drug of choice, crack cocaine will always be his first love, and unfortunately for him will always come first before his children and wife. But it is him who is missing out on the most precious times in life. Our daughter who will be getting married in a few months and our boys who will be graduating from school. I am not going to let him take any of that away from me. I have and always will be here for my children. Unfortunately because of the choices he has made for himself he probably will be in jail by the time graduation time comes for the boys and our daughter might not have her father walk her down the aisle. A once in a lifetime gift you can give your child. But that’s his choice… But really who actually suffers him or them. They do, they might not say it out loud, but you can see it in there eyes. You can read it by their expressions. Pay attention to them, screw him.
AL
Monday, February 19th, 2018

My husband was clean for six months and just left to binge. He is a cocaine binge addict. Does great and then binges. I told him six months ago that if he messed up again I would kick him out so here we are. In struggling with it even though I know its the right thing to do. Its very cold outside and I know he will be on the streets. We don't have money for rehab program but make too much for it to be free. Any suggestions? Thanks
Stacey
Tuesday, February 20th, 2018

Hi all so glad that I found this site. I am married to a husband who is using crack cocaine and has been using for the past 2 years. We have been married for 10 years no kids and I have come to the end of wanting to put up with his addictive behavior. Like many others our finances have been turned upside down he's lost 3 good jobs back-to-back and I had to stop paying on credit cards and loans just to keep a roof over my head. I am now in the process of having his vehicle voluntarily repossessed because I cannot afford the payments. I have even started divorce papers last week and planning to file them with the next 2 weeks. It really hurts me to my heart that this is what our marriage has become but I refuse to be hurt any further or to be part of his enabling crew. I have lost myself along the way having suffered a bad acne breakout from all the stress which is finally under control. I remember barely having money for Thanksgiving and Christmas and did not receive anything on my recent birthday. I now realize that I love myself enough to walk away and live a good life. I can take care of myself. I have a good paying job and I am a beautiful person inside and out. I am standing strong and taking my life back guys. I am praying for all of you who are going through similar situations just know that you too can walk away. God is able and he will never leave us nor forsake us.
Praying for every man
Tuesday, February 20th, 2018

Addiction is not a disease! The enemy will try to convince you of that to leave your spouse. The devil is there to kill, lie, and destroy, your marriage, family everything you have. Fully seek the Lord and he will guide you. Stop being blinded and you will find your peace with Jesus. Its amazing! My husband has found the his peace with God and is a completely different person. Our husbands are filled with guilt and shame they don't know if they just give all that to the Lord they will be healed. HEALED.... The Lord is with you, do not give the enemy the chance to take your whole family. Seek Jesus and stand firm to fight against the evil ones schemes. This is real ladies, look it up. Look around you and you will see more and more how God is watching over you. pray for your family to be healed and protected. Dear Lord heavenly father I pray you give every wife, mother, father, daughter, sister, brother the comfort their hearts need from you. May they be overwhelmed with this prayer to finally cry out to you and let go of their situation in your hands. May you bless their families by putting them in the right places to find someone to show them the way to you and to see you in every situation. I pray for all the men and women that are lost Lord, may they come to you and know that your love is more then just something we say. May they feel Your presence in such a calm and peaceful way that they won't be able to ignore you any longer. In Jesus precious name I pray, Amen.
Leigh
Thursday, February 22nd, 2018

AL - do you have support? You need to find one person to talk to. Iy will help. Also set some boundaries with husband and let him know what they are. My husband clean from drinking & cocaine for 5 months now, but i am fully aware of relapse possibility. Im constantly suspicious and he agrees to random drug testing, Praying fot every man. Completely do not relateto any of yourcomments.. If it helps you to 'believe' then do it but don't negate your own accomplishments and strengths to get through your tough times.
Cece
Sunday, February 25th, 2018

I am so afraid if I call it quits and stop ..my son will die
Praying for every man
Monday, February 26th, 2018

Leigh how about you try it Gods way and then get back to me. Because until you give him full control of the situation you will keep going in the same circle. I'm not saying that if a woman is being abused to tough it out but if anyone is sick of being tired of their husbands leaving, cheating and lying... And your not going to leave him then what could you lose by turning to Jesus? Being married is a covenant we made to God, that we will be there in sickness and health. Yes our husbands have made wrong decisions but if you get ill, would you want him to leave you when you need a miracle?God is real, Jesus Christ is real. His love for us as his daughters is so real. When will you stop fighting it and turn to him. Let him show you what he can do in your life. We should be here uplifting each other instead of raining on other women that need encouragement. My story is not to through in anyone's face its to show you that God can help and do it all, he just needs you to pray and ask him.
Dee
Thursday, March 1st, 2018

Amen! I bet you've witnessed your fair share of miraculous blessings of mercy, as have I. I share in your views and belief in the power of healing through the Lord and you are doing the right thing by sharing the truth, however most of these women are in desperate circumstances spiritually themselves in which they are fully unaware of. I know for my husband and I, it took finding and connecting with an incredible group of people who love God with all their heart's and believe in making disciples of other's, which the bible preaches. But, this type of spiritual warfare is not for the common person to try to fight alone. Regardless, you are correct in saying to lay these burdens before God and to surrender yourselves, but these women need much guidance and education on how the spiritual realm works. I didn't want to "preach" on a website where I'd be met with people who don't know the Lord, not for the sake of persecution, but because I felt it would fall on deaf ears. I won't deny my God however, and I come in agreement with your prayers for each and every woman on this forum who's battling addiction, confusion, strongholds, and generational curses. May God guide you all and provide you the faith and strength needed to save your families.
Debby
Sunday, March 4th, 2018

I know I'm an enabler but I have no Idea how to break away easy. I'm also in denial because I don't want to believe that it's happening all over again.
Mrs unknown
Tuesday, March 6th, 2018

I felt like I am reading about my life. I am nowhere near the 12 years but it’s getting too much for me. I can see that it’s harming me and my son a lot. My husband just disappear for few hours and take drugs which is once in a week or maybe twice in a week maximum. I am so deep down in this thing that I am struggling to make both ends meet and my job only won’t be able to take care of the bills anymore. Did I mention, my husband got recently unemployed, therefore, I am the sole earner of the house. I can’t get the courage to leave him and it’s getting too much for me. Any advice would be appreciated
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, March 7th, 2018

Sonya, Enabling takes many shapes and form. If you are unhappy and you want your husband to change and he doesn't what message does standing by him regardless of his inability to make a change? It sends the message that he can continue to do whatever he wants and you will stand by him and by all means if you won't leave because of your faith, then that is fine, it is just not going to change unless you do something to change your situation. I find that leaving is usually the best route. It frees you from the daily grind of addiction and forces the addict to be on their own and realize that their addiction has consequences. It is your life, faith and your decision, obviously, I only advise from my personal and professional experience. Amanda Andruzzi
Amanda Andruzzi
Wednesday, March 7th, 2018

I want to address all of you personally but there are just too many. I know all of you have your personal stories but I like to pull them all together and make apparent the similarities. In one way or another you are all not happy, scared, living in constant anxiety and fear right? every story has its own twists and turns but the results are usually the same. Dee, it looks like you have read my other articles because you have a clear distinction between the PERSON WE LOVE AND THE ADDICT. They are in fact two different people and you cannot take personally every little thing they do to you because it is all part of addiction. DRUGS COME FIRST, ALWAYS! if you can understand that then you can understand that they will do or say anything to get it while keeping you at bay. However, the part that will not let you go and does not want to lose you, is also the manipulative, self-involved addict and those promises are still not the person you love. In fact if you met the person when they were in their addiction then you may not know who that person really is. they don't even know who they are when the addiction takes over and they lose the ability to make good or healthy decisions. I hope you all think about your situations and keep reading here so that you can find a way to help yourselves. You need to worry about you because worrying about and helping the addict just does not work after a certain point. for many of you who have commented that this helps you, I am glad because I know, firsthand, what all of you are going through and the feelings you are experiencing. When I give advice it is coming from that place and I am telling you what works not what I have heard works but what I have done and conquered myself. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Janine
Thursday, March 8th, 2018

Hi im from the uk.. i have been with my partner for 12 years i have 4 children i have been an enabler and i still am i feel so stuck i feel down depressed and really dont know what to do i want to be strong i want to be able to leave my relationship but everytime i kick him out i get so down and feel helpless i really love him but theres nothing i can do to stop him. He was addicted to heroin for years then went to jail twice and everything thing was fine untill hes started to take crack he constantly takes it doesnt eat properly or sleep and drug deals for his habbit he also takes benzos on top wenever he can get them he says i make him do at as i am constantly accusing him wene hes out and making him down he makes me feel so helpless as i love him so much i am just so down i wish i could just stop my crazy head from kocking him oit and then asking him well begging hom to come back is there something wrong with me he says i have biplolar i dont think i do i feel like its never ending. I have read through your story and comments and i can relate to them all i just wish i could be strong.
Amanda Andruzzi
Thursday, March 8th, 2018

Janine, It sounds like you are caught in a cycle of co-addiction and it like being crazy. You are up and down and find strength, then lose it. It is what I call a vicious cycle. You can get off but you have to be the one to change, not HIM. He will or won't get sober and at this point all you do to control him actually makes it worse for both of you. You need to start by figuring out how you can break the cycle, either with an experienced therapist or going to an al-anon meeting, continuing to read the articles here, reading my book, Hope Street, and doing everything and anything to commit to changing the way you deal with the addict. At this point you are addicted to the addict, the drama and the roller coaster of highs and lows. It can become addictive, believe me!! Get off the roller coaster and commit to changing yourself. That is the only way out. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Vicki
Wednesday, March 14th, 2018

My husband is a drug addict and we have kids our relationship is toxic and I hate waking up everyday trying to make it through another miserable day knowing my husband is just going to tell me more lies so I buy into his bullshit and I always do. I hate myself for loving the person he once was but isn't now and it doesn't make it any better than 98% of his family is addicts and give it to him and he won't stay away from those people. I always tell him I'm gonna leave but never do although I want too I'm just scared what should I do?!??
Shawn
Wednesday, March 14th, 2018

How to have my wife pulled over on her way home from work because she is buying drugs on her way home
Ronda
Thursday, March 15th, 2018

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 yrs this ya and we have been raising 7 children together.. my 3 daughters from a previous marriage, our 2 boys 12 and 10 and most recently 2 babies we got custody of together! I found out my husband was using cocaine and made him leave our home and refused to let him back unless he got help! He agreed to getting help and started an out patient rehab in early Dec. he wanted to come home and I allowed him to do so on Christmas Day! This only lasted 30 days! He was going to his meetings and his IOP 5 days a week but his anger towards me was getting unbearable and I asked him to leave the home again! He has since said he wants a divorce and that he doesn’t love me anymore! That hurts but honestly I don’t want that relationship ever again and am doing everything I can to work on me and support him in his recovery. He has agreed to take a over the counter drug testing before any visitation with our children and until last week that was working well! 2 weeks ago our youngest son said he dropped them off at their cousins house so he could go to the bar. Our son said when he got back he was too drunk to drive and slept on the couch! When I learned about this I called his IOP counselor to inform her. His next visit he didn’t bring a test claiming he didn’t have any money for one.. I told him he shouldn’t have spent his money in the bar and the boys wouldn’t being going with him unless he found a way to pay for a test and that I was not paying for it for him! Which brings me to yesterday.. he came to pick up the boys and take a test...he FAILED! It was positive for cocaine. He tried to argue the test was wrong and I gladly expressed my willingness to let him retake a test but he had more excuses.. no money and his parent wouldn’t lend him $20 so he asked me again and again I told him I am not paying for it for him! I again called his IOP counselor to inform her and left another message with the info! I learned today he took me off the list for his counselor to legally be able to speak to me and when I asked him about this he said because we aren’t together anymore! I’m doing my best to keep our marriage and his recovery completely separate! I don’t talk about our marriage and am doing a lot of healing and learning with the help of forums like this! I am continuing to support him in his recovery as much as I can with the limited abilities I have. I can call and leave a message to inform them if his actions I just won’t get a call back! Am I making the right decision? Should I walk completely away from him and the situation? At this point I’m not crying over him or losing sleep but I do miss him! I know he has a very long road a head of him and I’m content without being his passenger anymore in his addiction! I welcome advice to empower myself!
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, March 16th, 2018

Vicki, Leave! Don’t say you are just find a way to do it. Shawn, just call the police When you know she’s driving home with drugs in the car. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Debby
Friday, March 16th, 2018

I've been with my husband for 16 years and gone through this problem with his addiction to meth over and over again. I'm very tired. I have told him to leave multiple times and I just can't seem to bring myself to calling the police especially in front of my kids. I don't know what to do because he won't leave and is completely ignoring what I say.
Amanda Andruzzi
Friday, March 16th, 2018

Debby, You don’t have to do it in front of the kids. Make sure that the kids are out of the house, at school or with friends or family and call the police because if you don’t he won’t leave. He needs help and you can’t do it anymore. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
amanda
Thursday, March 22nd, 2018

what if you are a sober addict and you have noone else but your husband,the addict, and you know he loves you but you also know he wont get sober. He will die without me and i love him but i need to learn how to get better and love myseld and not be so codependant. i have no where to go and i am not wnating to leave but i am misserable. What do i do?
Emily
Friday, March 23rd, 2018

What do you do when they give you no option? My boyfriend is an addict. His drug of choice is meth. It was really bad for a year and a half. He did jail time the summer of 2017 and something clicked. He got enrolled in school and seemed to be doing well. It has almost been harder now, he professes his love for me and I sit here with no trust. He still continues to drink and smoke marijuana. He just recently started going out more since getting his license back. His friends are all addicts and not trying to be sober. Staying out all hours of the night. Last night my boyfriend took adderrall. He acts just like he does on meth. He refuses to leave and I can't take it. He says I have to evict him. Is there anyone familiar with MN laws? I don't have much money. I need emotional support. I turn into a control freak, I don't like myself. I was so happy go lucky before him. Now I worry the second he steps out of the house. I have been with him since December 2015 and seen him in jail 3 times, 2 of those extended periods of time. He has been in two rehab programs. Spent countless amounts of my money. I need advice. Thank you.
Rebecca
Friday, March 23rd, 2018

Reading your story, feels very much like my own. I'm not sure when my husband started exactly, bit I know I have been aware of it for almost 13 years. Seems insane to say it out loud. #1 I love my husband and I don't want to abandon him or lose him. #2 we have 6 children. #3 I cannot continue to live like this anymore longer. I don't know what to do. He won't leave, I have no means or desire to remove me and my children from our home. He refuses help, he can stop on his own. I don't want to do something that will negatively effect things, like a restraining order. I don't know how to go about
Danielle
Sunday, March 25th, 2018

I am sort of confused with my whole situation. My husband is a type of addict that gets high every few weeks. I know that it does not justify him using. We have been together since we were in middle school and got married with three kids now. When we married I had no idea he was using Crystal Meth. Through out the years his behavior changed and became unbelievable. He became both physically and emotionally abusive. He was arrested recently when he last hit me and before that he had an affair with another woman. I now believe that I am enabler. I was always there to pick him when he fell. He will not admit to me that he still uses but I knoe he does the signs are all there. I am at the point of just giving up snd taking my children to start a clean and healthy life style.I use to cry and beg for his forgiveness when we would argue and now I just get mad and walk away. He keeps telling me things are getting better but i feel like the cycle is at the beginning again were he is masking his usage and we go in that circle again. I feel guilty at times for wanting to leave but he needs help and I am not helping.
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, March 26th, 2018

Amanda, If you don’t want to leave and he won’t get sober than all you can do is detach with love and take care of your needs before his. It is not going to be easy but you are not going to leave so that is a choice you have made and you won’t be ready until you are. Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, March 26th, 2018

Emily, Rebecca and Danielle, You have to be ready to make a change. You need to start taking care of yourself because worrying about the addict obviously hasn’t helped the situation. All you can do is offer support if the addict chooses to go into recovery and that is it because anything else you do to help them while they continue to use is enabling. It is time to get emotionally healthy, on your own and make changes because you are not happy and if their addiction was okay with you then you wouldn’t be looking for help. The help you need comes from within and with support from others you can make a change. Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Crystal
Tuesday, March 27th, 2018

My boyfriend has been doing drugs ever since I met him. At first I was choosing to deny it because I didn’t want it to be true. He lies and has stolen money off of me several times and then he apologizes and I believe he has actually changed. He has talked about going to rehab several times and about getting help but that is where the conversation ends. He denies that he has a problem. I have threatened to leave him but I always feel bad about that because he has literally no one else. The drugs and his addictions have pushed everyone else away even his family. I was going to leave him until I found out I was pregnant. I thought he had changed because we were going to have a kid. He seemed like he really had changed and wanted to change. But I recently found out that he has been lying to me again and that he is out doing drugs again and he is using the money we have been saving for our house to fuel his addictions again. I don’t know what to do. His is a problem because I can’t support a child on my own and I know he has no where else to go or no one to turn to but I don’t want to keep enabling him by pretending it’s okay so we don’t fight anymore. He knows how strongly I feel about the issue and he continues to lie and do it even though I’ve done everything to tell him how bad it hurst me. I love him and don’t want to lose him but I’m starting to think that is my only option because I would rather never see him again than have him using and drinking. If he isn’t out using drugs he comes home every night after work and gets super drunk. I can not remember the last night where he hasn’t drank I’ve asked him to not drink for just one night to prove he could actually do it but he always comes up with an excuse why he has to or that he will stop another night.
Bev
Wednesday, March 28th, 2018

I need help ASAP my partner is addicted to speed and chooses that over us , my daughter has started to notice how he has changed , I love him but I ended it today can’t cope anymore , he threatens to do such horrible things . He’s downstairs at minute and I’m actually worried what he will do next ! He is not interested in us anymore and just couldn’t care less that we over , I’m scared to leave as this is my home too
Adkin
Friday, March 30th, 2018

I am an enabler of an adict. He wants a divorce we have two wonderful children, he OD in front of one. Now he will not talk to me. My heart is thinking what’s in the best interest and welliof our children. He will not seek treatment. Now I feel I have to get the courts involved! It’s just finding the courage to do so.
Kathy
Saturday, March 31st, 2018

My husband is addicted to Vicodin. I feel loat
Kathy
Saturday, March 31st, 2018

My husband is addicted to Vicodin. His moods are so extream now.. when he is happy it's bliss but the mood takes a turn it's hell. He has become so open about it now he will tell me all about his pills and when he does not have them. It confuses me most times and the funny thing is that when he talks about it I feel like it's his way of progressing though his addiction. I have put my life on hold it feels like, and I became so wrapped up in his world that mine has completely fallen apart. I sometimes can't picture my life without him . I know i enable him but do not know any other life. My mom is an addict and has been my whole life. Is it awful to feel like I'm the most qualified to care for my husband because of this? I don't want to know the truth so i pretend all is wonderful and as long as I can keep up the illusion of a great marriage the marrige is well ... the marriage is great! But this life takes a toll and I am older and so tired and I'm staring to realize this is going nowhere.. I'm just stuck on repeat.
Dianne
Sunday, April 1st, 2018

I just read about enabling. I’m not sure if I’m even an enabler? I’m very confused, although I do know I feel as though I’m addicted to his addiction. Always thinking about it, se he yards behind my back like I don’t know and lies about it. It drives me nuts and hurts me emotionally. I’m and aware that this shouldn’t bother me....his choices and behavior. But it does and we have continued to fight and argue even after 25 years of marriage. When I think he’s using (out never usually in front of me, because he says he respects me). So I say wh n your out I will not be home wh n you come home. But I get angry that he says Indont need to do becaus he quit. I’ve lost all my trust. I do love him and we have managed to stay together. He lies and I say okay or I don’t believe you and we fight. Just not sure wher to start. Am I an enabler or codependent? Will probably never get him to tell the truth. So do I just live with him thinking he’s pull the wool over my eyes? Thank you
Rcd
Monday, April 2nd, 2018

I posted on December 17th about my husbands addiction to heroin. I joined a Nar-Anon Family support group. It really helps, I advise anyone struggling with a family member or a loved one to try it. My husband was arrested last week due to getting physically abusive when I asked him to leave if he wanted to continue using and not seek help. The next day at the court house I took out a restraining order and then his mother did a Section 35 which basically forced him into treatment, so he is committed there form 30 - 90 days. Honestly, this has been the most relaxing week of my life, I have decided that I am not going to take him back. I really hope he gets clean and does better but I don't want him back in my life. The scars from this are just too deep and I don't believe I can get over some of the things he has put my children and myself through. I love him, I probably always will, but I can't trust him and I haven't liked him for a very long time.
Leigh
Wednesday, April 4th, 2018

My dh clean from alcohol and cocaine for 6 months now. I test regularly so i can say that with confidence. But i still find i don't understand why he did that and shockingly for so long(6 yrs) sometimes i forget what we went through. Then something reminds me and i'm angry and confused. My first question is crack and heroine a worse (uglier) addiction than cocaine? Why do i think that? Also he didn't use everyday - always had a job and no ones knows still. I think i'm trying to salvage some of his behavior. Still hurts the mental abuse, the lying, the fighting my kids were subjected to and the waste of money$$$$$$. Still frustrated. l
Dorothy
Sunday, April 8th, 2018

My husband has been clean on and off for years from heroin. Now he is in a methadone program and is working. But occasionally I see him nodding off later in the day. Here's the kicker, his mom deals heroin and he feels the need to visit her every day. How can I stop this.i don't know what to do.
Someoneswife
Monday, April 16th, 2018

I am marriage to a addict he’s addicted to everything... I have left him many times since the last 10 years and every time I left he got better and then went back to it and becomes abusive, aggressive,empty’s bank account , takes everything from me and our children and I always forgive him because I blame the addiction and not him . But I don’t trust him I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I love him and he’s a wonderful person when he’s not on drugs but through out our marriage he’s been on. How can I completely stop , walk away forever and stop forgiving him? he doesn’t work Doesnt care for friends he has no one . He crys tells me everything I need to hear to stick around but I’m tired HOW DO I STOP CARING . How do I move on
Amanda Andruzzi
Monday, April 16th, 2018

Crystal, Bev, Adkin, Dorothy, Dianne, rcd, Leigh, Yes you are all enabling and co-addicted to an addict. which means that you put their addiction, problems, and issues above your health, happiness and life. I have been there and I can tell you that that emotional roller coaster is hard to get off of. and never second guess yourself, if you even think your partner is using Dorothy, he is! Your gut is almost always right and the addict will lie while looking you in the eye with a straight face. even if the addict recovers Leigh, doesn't mean that you can or have to just get over the past. The things an addict does hurts and it is not easy to get over but for you, for your own sanity and health you have to and that means you have to do the work to heal. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Elizabeth
Thursday, April 19th, 2018

I have been with him 8 years, married 2 years and have discovered in the last year my husband is smoking meth and having sex with men. I am beyond sad and hurt about this and although I feel very confident leaving him is the best decision, I am having a hard time doing it! This is where you want everyone to tell you what to do but you don’t listen because they all say walk away and don’t look back. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Selena
Friday, April 20th, 2018

Im at a loss here and dony know what to do... Im ready to listen and need your advice. My husband has relapsed for his second time now. I 100% support his decision but I cant quite wrap my head around on what boundaries there should be. He sleeping constantly and just wants to lay on the couch and not deal with anything. Im finding this extremely difficult to just watch. Is this the norm? Should he still just get up and deal with life. Im a stay at home mom so i was always doing most of the cooking and cleaning and that doesnt bother me. He is also laid off right now and while hes at home he has started doing renovations to the house which have come to a hult, not because of the addictiom but because of lack of knowledge on how to get it done and we are expecting a experienced professional to come in hopefully sometime next week. This morning was day 2 of him sleeping for 2 days straight and b.c i mentioned to one of his friends that he had still been sleeping he got extremely angry with me and said that i shouldnt be telling his life story. This i feel was an extremely exaggerated statement and it just blew off from there with him telling me ots my fault he was doing them and that i pull him down and that i need tp get my life together and get a job. That all leaded me to telling him that only a drug addict would say those things and that its just not true and okay. Now I realize i shouldnt have said what i said but im just trying to be 100% honest here with what is happening and get some real advice. I dont know anyone in this same situation and dont know what else to do. What i should do?or how to deal with this? Please help me.
Jenn
Sunday, April 22nd, 2018

As I was reading your article it was my situation almost exactly. My husband of 17 years became addicted to pain killers about 6 years ago. Now he has moved to snorting herion/phentinol(not sure of that spelling). Anyway, so at first I didn't think it was a major issue but then he lost his job, started pawning all of our boys and my stuff. I thought if I gave him money he wouldn't pawn anything but that never changed. My oldest is 18 and my youngest is 11. My 11 year old have sensory processing issues but was getting much better until his dad started doing all of this. I know that it would be in our best interest to leave. I am at my breaking point and I don't want to put my kids through this anymore. I am a strong person and work full time. I wanted to leave last year but first of all he kept telling me he was going to change and stupid me believed him. Secondly, I cannot save money for a down payment on anything because of him. I am at a total loss when it comes to going. I know it is not healthy for my children and myself. I try to make things better for them but it always backfires because I cut my husband off money and he just pawns their stuff after I get it out. I have kept some stuff in my car at a friends house but occasionally it has to come home and it is gone the minute I turn my back. I am just not sure what I should do next. I have called the police but because we are married I cannot do anything about what is taken and pawned. When will it end?!?!
Robin
Monday, April 23rd, 2018

Hello. So..........of course i am desperate for advice. thats why i am on here.........lets just start with......im 29. husband who has been a drug addict since he was 13. and has lived a lifestyle of lets say......not normal according to society. but he has made effort to stop. he has stopped a lot of activity that was not good for him nor. but still has the bad habbit. as his wife......how do i help him. i dont want to leave him. i know i cant make him stop. i know that. only thing i can think or or know to do is pray for him. try not to make a big deal of things too much to where it turns to an argument. i do sometimes bring it up and yes not in the calm way i should but only cause i hold it in for so long........he has so much potential. very smart. and honestly has a heart of gold and has always tried to do people right. what would be the best advise you have for my situation. im so sad watching him do this. it breaks my heart. and honestly i know he is shamed of it. and hates that he does it himself.
Kenni
Monday, April 30th, 2018

I was married to an addict for 15 years. He ruined my life. I enabled him to the max. Getting involved with him was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I had no beginning of a clue how addicts were and what addiction was. It was to heroin. He did unspeakable things that I have a very difficult time falling my head around. One day I had had enough. I left with nothing but the clothes on my back. With nothing. I had nothing. He took everything from me. I still am not officially divorced. I am pretty sure he will not sign. Looking back I realize just how sick my whole relationship was with him. They don't change. Give up trying to change of fix them. You will only lose yourself and exhaust yourself in the process. Get out. M ov e on. Save yourself. I am going to need therapy for a long time.
Sharon
Thursday, May 10th, 2018

Good evening! My husband has a drug problem, after 8 months, I finally took the car from him is this the right thing to!
Lauren
Thursday, May 10th, 2018

I recently learned my husband has been smoking meth and opiates for the past 3 years, we have been married for just over four years and my oldersst child his. So most of my marriage and all my son's life he has been on drugs. He got caught by mother and finally admitted it after weeks of asking. This is his third relapse on meth. He did it as a teenager and then cut it out cold turkey. But he has recently admitted that he used other things just wouldn't say what during the 9 year "sobriety" everyone thought he had. I didn't have a clue. I thought he was clean the whole time, I have no experience of drugs. He has agreed to go to inpatient rehab but says it's for me and the kids because he doesn't need it to get and stay clean. He says he needs to be home with a family that loves and supports him. I wanted him to go to teen challenge but he reduses because it's religious and he can't smoke cigarettes. He tells me he loves me and wants me to give him another chance. I want to believe him but my family is saying he is just manipulating me and I should leave for me and my kids. I'm afraid at this point even if he does inpatient he won't take it seriously because he doesn't think he needs it and just wants to make me happy. Can I believe that he wants to get and stay sober for us or is he just manipulating me?
ellena
Friday, May 11th, 2018

i want to really appreciate what dr. zaki did for me by post this comment here for people to know how good this man is and how grateful i am. i am 34 and i have been in a relationship with this guy for a year and seven months i really enjoy the time we spent together despite people dont no we are gay but it was a secret date. i found out he was date a girl from the college i was very upset and i convince him but he refuse and still want the relation to go on but i was every jealous so we breakup around August but at a time i was okay but after few weeks i really miss him so i try to win him back he refuse so i need a help so i contacted a spell caster Dr. zaki who help me and we are happy again now. if you need his help just contact him and drop your number he will even call you am happy now. is email is dr.zakispellhome@gmail. com
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 15th, 2018

Elizabeth and Selena, Have you read Hope Street? Honestly it is the best way I can relay to you that as hard as it is to leave the addict alone, you have to. It is not your fault, your responsibility and you cannot change this person. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 15th, 2018

Jenn, It will end when you leave, that is the cold, hard truth. You will be able to restore some sanity to your household and provide your boys a more stable environment. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 15th, 2018

Kenni, good for you. you met your breaking point and you knew you didn't want to live this way anymore. that is a hard thing to do, I know. You are going to be okay and thank you for sharing your courage here with others. Robin, I would like to think that this is not a place where people are so desperate they come for advice but a place people come for comfort, sound advice, to help others and to share their stories. It really sounds like you need help for you because you know you can't change him so coming here, we try to support each other to get healthier. If you know you cannot change him and he has not gotten clean for most of his life, then you are going to have to accept the fact that your husband may always be an addict. If you cannot accept that, then YOU have to do something to make a change. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Amanda Andruzzi
Tuesday, May 15th, 2018

Sharon, You can take the car but it won't stop him from doing what he is doing. Lauren, if he goes just for you, then he is not ready to stop, he is just placating you. The only way to know is to see what he does in time, to see if he stays sober. There is no magic crystal and we can't know what will happen but an addict usually has to come to the decision that they want to get sober not just because they get caught. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
Jennifer
Saturday, May 19th, 2018

Hi there, my partner has had a problem with crack cocaine. After a long and arduous few years he finaly went to rehab for 3 months which was realy hard on me and our 2 children (and of course him). I always said that if things got bad again he'd be back to his mums again. When he came out he was like a different person and everything was amazing....for about 2 weeks. Then from then on things just slowly but increasingly weren't great. But nothing specific. And then he tells me one day that he's relapsed but he was realy upset about it and I gave him my support and sympathy. He went to an NA meeting the next day and was working on his recovery again. And he's started lieing to me about where he's been -he said he was round a friends but he tells me he was round a girls apparently instead (I beleive he wouldn't cheat on me but why lie?!?!) And he's been very moody and not very nice until last night when he says he just wants to do it one more time and thats it (he hasn't got any money, I've got all the money) I didn't give him any though. All this time I've been giving him sympathy and trying my hardest to help because I know he's worth it and I love him.....I feel like i shouldnt give up on him and i know im not perfect either. Things arnt as bad as they were before he went to rehab but am I enabling him?? Im nor happy but I just don't know what to do!!! Please please give me some advice. Thankyou.
Georgie
Sunday, May 20th, 2018

I need to Stop my Narcissist boyfriend from continuing to communicate with his Alcoholic friend who is in rehab and has a husband and two children. Ever since he started communicating with her again he started to mentally and emotionally abuse me for the past 2 months. Her facility and doctors counselor have all told her he is part of her problems but yet she is a major part of his problems as well. I have exhausted myself to the point I can no longer take this abuse. He stated to me when she is out of rehab they are going to start a life together and her husband and children wait for her healthy happy return to them. I myself will be counseling to help sort out why my bipolar boyfriend has turned so quickly to communicate with her . Please I’m looking for so direction in my life. Thank you and God Bless!

About Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.