How to STOP enabling my drug addicted husband

A practical guide on how to stop enabling a drug addict. With a section at the end for your questions or comments.

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In terms of addiction, enabling has a negative connotation. It refers to a dysfunctional way of helping someone else in such a way that hurts the enabler and the person they think they are helping. In the article, “8 Signs You are a Co-addict“, we discussed many types of enabling. Whichever type you engage in, there are consequences to each.

So, how can you end the enabling and move towards a healthier relationship…a healthier you? We review here. Then, we invite your questions at the end. In fact, we try to respond to all legitimate questions or comments with a personal and prompt response.

Are you ready to hear the truth?

Some women will post on my blog about how they want to stop enabling their husband’s addiction. Their posts seem so desperate and so imminent. I know what they are going through because I have been there; I was married to an addict, too. So, I spend time and energy crafting a heartfelt and realistic response. I try to address their needs and personalize the advice for them and then … weeks will go by and … nothing. Months and … nothing. Some of these women never reply.

I thought about this for a while and tried to put myself in their shoes. When they are reading online for answers and posting their frustrations and their stories they are usually in a crisis situation, either the addict is binging on drugs, disappeared, or done some other inexcusable act. Just because they are posting on my blog does not mean that they are ready to hear what I have to tell them.

When I explain what is most likely to happen or what will help them in the long run, they do not answer back because that is not the answer they were looking for. Most women are not ready to hear that they need to change. Perhaps telling their stories just helps them purge all of their anxiety or they still believe I can tell them how they can fix their partner.

STOP enabling

When I was married to an addict, the only advice I hoped to hear from my therapist and from other support people was that I could do “X,Y, and Z” and that would help me fix my husband and his addiction. I wanted to know that living with an addict was possible, and that he could change. When people suggested I had issues or that I should leave my husband I was mortified. I thought I could not live without him so I continued on the same path hoping something would happen that would change him.

Twelve years passed and nothing happened.

I still wanted to fix him, until one day an event forced me to fix myself. It was like I was tuning out all of the advice I needed to hear until one day I heard it because I was ready to listen.

My husband was not forcing me to enable him; I was taking it upon myself to help him because I felt bad for him and I loved him. I realized when I did things that I knew made his addiction and life easier, even if it was acting crazy so he could feel justified to abuse drugs more, that I was not only enabling him but hurting myself. If he ever had a chance to stop using drugs, I had to realize it was not going to be because of me.

Most enablers already know that being married, having children, and responsibilities are not enough reason for an addict to get sober. But, they still think one day they will say something and the addict might all of a sudden realize they are.

It’s about boundaries

Most addicts have no boundaries. An enabler eventually loses their own boundaries and their lives become convoluted and controlled by addiction. Enablers lose their identity and do not understand why they keep on doing what they are doing. So, how can you pull yourself back up to stand on your own two feet?

Start empowering yourself!

How to stop enabling a drug addict?

To stop enabling a few things need to happen:

  1. You need to make a commitment to change.
  2. You must commit to stop your part in enabling 100%, not just some of the time.
  3. You must stop negative patterns and behaviors and replace them with positive ones.
  4. You need to get support from someone with experience and someone you trust to help you.
  5. You need to stop enabling him and start empowering you.

Enablers feel the illusion of control when they help their partner. Once you let it go, you can stop trying to fix and control your partner, take that energy, and fix yourself. You can start asking yourself the questions:

  1. Why am I allowing this person and his addiction control my life?
  2. Why do I not feel good enough about myself to want to be treated better?
  3. Why am I so afraid to leave?
  4. Why do I have fears of abandonment, of being alone, of standing on my own two feet?

If you focus on you, there is less of a chance you will have the time to focus on him. If you change your life and start doing things that bring back your self-confidence then it is less likely you will want to repair him.

Addiction is a selfish condition because it usually involves the complete attention of more people than just the addict. It can draw in the wife, the children, the parents, and the friends if you allow it. Nevertheless, enabling is a choice even though it does not feel like one. The best way to stop enabling is to learn your enabling behaviors and make a conscious choice to STOP.

Need some help?

We invite you to leave your questions in the comments section below. We do our best to respond to each person individually and promptly!

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.


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  1. Thank you everyone of those questions i said yes too. My life is chaos because of me in trying to figure out who i am beacuse i have been defined by him for so long

  2. My husband occasionally takes ADHD tablets when he is going for a night out or if he doesn’t have enough energy (long term issues with Anxiety and insomnia) He has taken drugs recreationally since the day I met him. We have two young kids so I hoped they would be enough motivation to stop but no. His rate of use has definitely reduced over time but I cannot stand it. We have huge arguments each time because he denies and lies. He will even get pharmacy drug test kits and they come up negative then he acts so smug. But surely he has just figured out a way to use that will come up negative? I keep threatening to leave him-that doesn’t work either but I am at the point now where I don’t want my kids exposed to his erratic and illegal behaviours anymore. His parents have no clue and they would die if I told them-I’m note protecting them as it would be so hard for them to hear. So I’m coping with all this on my own and I’m over it. I don’t go and pop pills to make myself feel euphoric because I hAve responsibilities so why should he get to do that just to feel good?

  3. I have been with my husband for 7 years and married 2 years, we have 2 daughters together and I have a daughter from a previous marriage, for the longest time I was in such denial & did not want to believe it. When I started to see the truth it was like someone kicked me in my stomach and took all the air out of my body. then his drug use was pushing me away further & further and yes I did the unthinkable & stepped out of my relationship and I regret every minute of that but it gets brought up every other day. I hate he started using METH a few years ago he started using the needle & he was so mean and hateful he would tell me things like ” I don’t love you anymore ” he is always telling he will never stop using because he enjoys getting high & YES I know that is a BIG SIGN LIKE WAKE UP he is telling you he will never change. I love him so much and when he has normal days where we are talking & laughing I take those hours for granted because I never get a whole day with him like that. well speeding up the process because I could write for days, last year in April 2018 we had got into a domestic argument never did he hit he just shoved me & of course we were fighting about him using and him throwing in my face that I had cheated on him 2 in a half year ago I was so upset and angry and lashing out and telling him how sorry of a person he was but I was so broken but not broken enough to leave but that resulted him to go to prison for a year because he was already on probation & been in trouble so many times before and he kept getting slaps on the wrist & tbh I really thought that if he was sent to prison he would wake up and realize our girls are not there I wasn’t there but even when I took our girls to visit him the screaming & crying didn’t even make him flinch because he was using in there also. now that he has been home he is going down the same road and but worse our girls want to just spend time with him but I am making more and more excuses for him telling our girls daddy just doesn’t feel good just be quite & let him sleep my middle daughter just yesterday went in our room & kissed her dad on the head and said I just want you to get better & I love you it truly broke my heart ! I always say I am going to leave but I am so scared because how am I going to do I have burnt every bridge in my family there is no turning to my family I don’t know what else to do. I love him so much but I want our girls to grow up in a positive home & not have to always be worried about their dad and asking why doesn’t daddy feel good why wont he go with us or where is my dad. Don’t get me wrong he is a good dad when he is awake and alert but those days are getting shorter and shorter and further away.

  4. My husband and I were a couple of rebel teenagers. There were so many red flags that pointed to a lifetime struggle with alcohol, pills, weed but I didn’t see it at the time.

    Friends since high school, married at 23, currently pregnant with our first child at 26 and I’m finally at the point where I just don’t care for my husband anymore. How terrible is that? I love him but I don’t care to be around him or care to have him involved in my life in any way.

    We’ve been together for 7 years… I never imagined my life going this way and I wish I would have cleaned up my act before marriage. Had I sought wisdom earlier… I would have known to run. I certainly don’t want to bring a child into this mess. I don’t care what my husband does so long as it isn’t in my home, around me or the little one we having coming… I don’t trust him though. Drugs in my home is inevitable. I don’t believe in breaking the marriage covenant so my only option is separation. The hard part will be having to leave our home if he refuses to leave.

    Do I hope for change? Sure, there’s always hope. I don’t think it’s healthy to ever give up the idea of hope. However, it is unhealthy to keep hope and a close proximity at the same time. In my situation, hope is better kept from a distance.

    1. Hannah,
      I hope you someday realize that you and your child need to have peace and be away from a person like this.
      I know you are willing to separate but someday you might want to move on and file for divorce.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street,

  5. About 5 years ago, my husband relapsed on meth after being clean for 10 years. At first, his relapses were off and on. He would use once a week and then not use for weeks at a times. The usage has become more frequent over the years. Recently, he almost lost his job and was suspended for 3 days. I thought this would possibly help him pull it together. For a week and a half it worked. I started to see a glimpse of my old husband again, the one I love and adore. Of course, that bliss couldn’t last for long. He’s back to using again. I’m so mad at myself for thinking that he might just change this time. I’m a fool! Does he think I’m stupid? I know he’s twacked out of his mind on meth. He lies straight to my face. I don’t like the person he becomes when he’s using. How do I detach? I’ve tried so many times and I always fail. He doesn’t always use daily. I keep holding onto hope that he kicked the habit once, he can do it again. He never seems to stop for longer than a month. This is literally destroying me. How can I stop enabling? Please, I need help. I’m scared, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m so conflicted! I just don’t understand why he loves the drug more than me.

    1. I read your story and I felt your pain I have been with my husband for 10 years yet we just married in December I am a recovered addict 5 years clean my husband has been on and off the wagon for the past 3 years but I married him anyway. I am losing my faith and I find myself completely broken. How could this happen did he not mean the vows we wrote together? Our children are devastated and I find myself frozen in this hell he has been my best friend since we were kids I do not understand how he could choose a sack of dope over me? I relate you and pray your husband finds his way back to you. I am from a small town that knows everyone and everyone’s business it doesn’t matter where I go I get to hear how proud everyone is of us for getting our lives back on track I am fighting this battle by myself I try to shield the kids from his drug use but I fell ashamed and embarrassed I have lived the past 3 years trying to control everything so he has no more excuses to use my heart is broken and I feel like a fool I know deserve better than this but how do I leave someone I spent a lifetime on?

  6. Sam, I could literally copy and paste your story as my own?
    My husband is a heroin addict, I’ve been “helping” him now for 3 1/2 years. I realise that I’ve been enabling rather than helping and I too am weary with this life. So much so that two days ago I asked him to leave, knowing full well that I have put him on the streets. He has isolated himself from everyone in his life, his friends and his own family. He has me, that’s it! I have packed his things taken them to his parents who haven’t had anything to do with him for 2 years and taken his keys from him. I’m racked with guilt and still stupidly hoping that this is the final act that will shock him in to positive action. I love him so much and it has broken me to do this, is anyone else in this situation?

  7. Self Care – This is just what i need to hear today, I have immersed myself in my partners addiction and i am mentally and physically exhausted. I cannot focus on anything else but bad behavior, it all seems to be my fault, all the arguing and he is not happy because of the way i treat him. He is angry at me all the time. So long as i bow to him everything is fine. He does puts everything i say and do down in a very cleaver way, im broken. It is a cliche that i love him but deep down in there is a good man, i met him once.

    This past weekend he went missing for the night, he will not tell me where he was, only that i need not worry he was fine. This has kept me up at night and broken any trust i have for him. you cant imagine what is going through my mind about where he was, who he was with and what he was doing. We have not slept in the same bed for the second week now.

    After reading this blog about self care, it hit a note with me. I DO need to take care of myself and you blog affirmed it. Last night i told him that until he can tell me where he was, who he was with and what he was doing, there could be no us anymore. He told me thats fine because he is not telling me. I walked away and went to bed, this morning he is angry and not talking to me.

    I have been invited to a party this weekend and i would normally have said no because i have been trying to support him in his recovery but he keeps falling off the wagon and so i guess he is not ready to recover. Im going to go on my own to this party (not to spit him, he will think that is why i am going) but to care for myself, to surround myself with people that care about me and make me happy. I have realized that my life has been on hold for the past 5 years coping with his alcohol and now cocaine addiction. I have been on a keep fit regime as a start and now im going to go out on my own.

    1. I’m living the same night mare over and over, nothing but feeling like a roller-coaster of emotions for last 3 yrs. Everything I read about addiction I’m living and I’m so exhausted and trying to be strong around our teenage son is another battle as I’m sure everyone can relate . I find myself ready throw in towel and next few days that strong feeling to stand up and move forward slowly went away and exhaustion set in.

  8. I recently found out my husband is using cocaine and meth. He binges using them. He has also started drinking a lot more than usual so I’m thinking that could be binging also. I did speak with my husband about this when I found out and his excuse was he is just using it for work. Of course I knew this not to be true. I love him very much however I do not want to raise my daughter in this lifestyle nor do I want to be a part of it. I know we would be better off. I’m very confused where to go from here.

    1. Erin I’m in the same boat as you and I had to leave. The only difference is my husband swears he’s clean and stopped and continues to lie about everything so I don’t know what to believe. Good luck.

  9. Well my wife has a 25 year old son who does nothing at all. He sleep rarely and just sits around all day smoking and leaving cigarette butts all over the front and backyard. If not that then he will be in the bathroom for about an hour at a time a few times a day. He won’t clean up after himself, mom does it for him. He rarely gets talked to about anything. We have the wife’s sister and husband living with us with their 2 young girls. We have the wife’s 20 year old son and 16 year old daughter also living here. Well the 25 yo gets to do meth in the house, because I have found his pipes many time and have smashed them , but the wife just ignores it. We argue all the time about him and no one in the house can stand him.. He sits on the couch all day getting high while we are gone, we know this because the house stinks all the time. Everyone goes to their rooms when arriving home because he is home. The wife treats him like a baby, so he is able to do what he wants. We can never have company over and the kids don’t bring over their friends because he is home. The last time the young girls had friends over the 25 yo started cussing and acting stupid and the wife asked us to leave him alone even though some were about to smack him around. Anyway the situation at home is horrible, mom always protects him even though he disrespects her and everyone else in the home. He will not go to rehab, why? because he can do what ever he wants here, so why go? Am I right? His Dad really has never been in the picture, so he is no help , he is also an addict himself. Life’s here is bad for all, but we have to put up with it. There is so much more to say, But not enough time. Don’t know what else to do. Any suggestions? Thanks, Step-dad

    1. J,
      It sounds like you need to seek some therapy for you and your wife so you can be on the same page that her enabling is not helping anyone but actually hurting you & the her son.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street,

  10. My husband is addicted to cocaine. He has been married before and both him and his ex wife went to prison for criminal activity related to drug use in the past. He no longer has custody of his children and neither does she . He started using cocaine on our honeymoon and has accused me of cheating nonstop while abusing cocaine. I am a registered nurse do not use drugs and do not cheat on my husband. Most recently he cut the cables on the car batteries so I was unable to go to work because he thought I was cheating after binging on cocaine for a week. The fighting started because I was going to work overtime and wanted to make sure I got enough sleep. I find myself moving money around too so that there is money to pay the bills when he is being irresponsible. I do not go for therapy and I feel like I am at a breaking point.

    1. Joann,
      your breaking point needs to be breaking away from this relationship. It sounds like he has never truly been clean or in recovery and you are not going to be able to do anything to change that. Please read Hope Street, I think you need to understand further what you are really dealing with.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street,

  11. I discovered a few weeks ago that my spouse has been stealing adderall from my son and me. We both have ADHD and have prescribed adderall along with other non-stimulentt medications for treatment. Instead of bringing what I discovered to her attention, I just removed the medication from plain view and put it in a lock box with only me having the key. Somehow, I have become the bad person because I didn’t speak directly to her about it first. I really though I was helping her to avoid embarrassment, but apparently I did this the wrong way. Are there any guidelines for the best way to handle this type of thing? Should I have spoken to her about this first? Fyi…this is not the first time this has happened and I did mention this to her years ago and believed it to have stopped.


    1. FreedomNeed,
      Yes, you should talk to her about it but no you did nothing wrong. You have every right to protect your pills from someone who is stealing and abusing them.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street,

  12. Wow these stories are so hard to read. I left my husband last month who tested positive for cocaine and meth which he denies using meth. He did cocaine he said the last 10 years but he stopped and relapsed only once. His life is so dysfunctional and his two kids are so out of control with behavioral issues. I don’t know if he’s really clean and of course he’s going to hide it. Is there a way to believe he’s really clean ? He says to test him but I know he takes stuff to beat drug tests which he’s done in the past for job testing. So confused of what’s real and what’s not!

    1. Mimi,
      And if you stay the confusion will continue as the addict puts up smoke and mirrors to deflect what they are doing.
      It is just the nature of addiction and when you are a co-addict, it is hard to ever feel sane. You become engrossed in the lies
      and trying to sort them out so much that you lose yourself & end up sad, lonely, miserable & feeling powerless. It is time to
      make a change and only you can make that change.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street,

  13. my fiance is a drug addict he is now sleeping with other men and now has another woman pregnant.. I am in counseling but now my problem is I saw him do all this in front of my eyes it hurts I am still in that crying stage but I love him or I am just embarrassed by him I am all confused I know the right thing to do but it’s so hard

  14. So my husband and I have been together for 5 years. He was in recovery when we met and has been until I suppose about 6 months ago, relapsed on meth. He began going out every night, not coming home, I didnt know who he was with and of course to him it was all my fault because I was confronting him on it and it started a fight. Well I decided to move out and packed my things, I went to stay with my mother lastnight and went to our house this morning to get ready for work. There was 2 girls in my home and my husband wasn’t even there. I had questioned him about cheating with both of them and denied it in the past. So one of them left him a note for when he came home, she was talking sexual and said she loved him. I have been a mess, just dont understand how he could do this to me. Now he wont even respond to my calls or texts. So I guess I was used, duped, and i look like an idiot. Makes me wonder if he ever did care. Before he relapsed he was such a great man. Im just in pain, shock. And seems like no one cares and he is obviously got a new woman so he has no reason to contact me. WTF? Just feel so alone.

    1. I am reading your story and although mine is different I wish I could be your ear to help eachother…… THERE IS NO VIRTUE IN TOLERATING TOXIC BEHAVIOR.

    2. oh my gosh you are not alone Ashley. I don’t know if I will ever find this blog again but my husband is on meth and HE is the one barking all the commands, being rude and hateful, using meth and abusing me verbally. The meth makes them uninterested in anyone or anything and especially me. He packed his things and was leaving. I should have thrown him out but I am exhausted mentally and tired from all this. The NERVE!! I thought if my spouse and I could even have sex together we might bond, but NO because he says I told other people due to paranoia, he has cut himself off from me completely. You are not alone. Things wont work with other woman. until his actions can match his conscience he wont rest. I feel for you. pray. thats what I am doing in the face of this monster that has come into my home. You are not alone. I am suffering in my home. (seattle)

    3. Jaz, you are right, there is no virtue in tolerating toxic behavior and Ashley I truly believe as this happened to me too that he is doing you a great favor in the long run. This forces you to leave and move on with your life. You will get through this and you were not duped because you were with him for love and you can never regret that but you can now choose to love yourself.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street,

  15. The main problem I face is not just that my spouse wiped out my savings and insisted I don’t need a job (I’ll get one soon, don’t worry), but that his parents (mother especially) completely enable him. He was just arrested for drugs tonight and she merrily bailed him out. He took money from me to go get food, obviously blew off every plan we had today, no “i’m sorry”, just a bunch of gibberish about how unfair police are. I understand now that even if it doesn’t happen for a long time, or even at all, I need to start thinking about and preparing for my next move. I’ll never stop loving him, but I’m not the worthless person he acts like I am. He prefers his parents to me because they support his addiction, and he knows I never will. If this behavior doesn’t end, I will end it. I’m giving this thing 18 more more months to turn completely around. Unlike him, I’m not a full of shit, lying scumbag.I do what I say and I say what I mean.

  16. I need a plan I can stick to my fiancée of 6 years has been on and off herion and benzos I am the bread winner he has been depressed and negative impacting my family for our whole relationship ruined my credit I’m trying to rebuild and going through a depressed state myself that has made me feel dependent on him I lost my job of 4 years and had to take a job making more money but bad hours I’m working second shift 1-11:30 pm or later he is responsible for watching my son and picking him up from school I feel trapped by the fact he is using enough not to hold employment and go through detox when he is out but does not use enough to seem intoxicated it’s like he just stays normal enough for me to not to leave I paid for our car but it’s in his name and his name was added to my bank accounts when he was working and sober for 2years prior to the last 9 months we are supposed to buy our home from family freinds I have hidden his addiction no one who knows me knows he is addicted je has his family fooled to believe hr is in recovery not that they support him emotional or in any way I feel trapped I have two older children and 1 near middle school with special needs I don’t live near my family and they have no clue that I have been hidding his self medication I am a enabler I need help

  17. My husband is a heroin addict. He manipulates me with the I love you terms and terms of shame when I say his story or lies are wrong….yet he always knows how to reword things to make me give him money for dope. To top it off he is on suboxone to help detoxify from heroin but then makes this suboxone responsible of my own because if hes broke the control comes in when he says “well if I don’t go to clinic I need to use, so I need money either way”.
    I’m trapped and feel like dying would make his life easier and I’d live in peace.

  18. Wow reading this really hit home I have been with my husband 23yrs we have 5 kids. My husband is a meth addict we used to be so happy we did everything together as a family had dinner every night together. And now our family is broken. I am inabler And I don’t know how to stop husband has become very verbally abusive everything is my fault please help me in setting boundaries My kids and I are hurting they have to hear there father call me names and even witnessed violence. I have asked myself all the same questions I just read in your blog. He has told my kids if I make him leave 5gen they won’t see him for a very long time cause he’s going back to California he thinks we always trying to steal from him he’s very short tempered don’t play with kids no more hno family time or day trips please help me help myself and him

  19. Im always worried, i wonder if today’s the day he going to OD. He’s mean, & It gets worse as everyday goes by. I barely know who he is. Idk what to do? I feel like im all alone.

  20. Hi Amanda, my partner of 6 years is getting or maybe addicted to cocai e I’m guessing for some months now ..its been really hard to accept this and he says he wants to change but I honestly dont see it pr maybe he just cant ..I cry ans cry trying to figure out how I can be a help for his recovery without enabling him ..I’m always worried for him and we fight and argue and I’m lost on how i can help him ..I need some advice

  21. Leave. Leave just as fast as you can – like your life depends on it. All the advice you are researching on the Internet is giving you the same gas-lighting, half way coddling thing that addict is giving you when you go home. Make your plan and leave as soon as possible – like your life depends on it. Because it does.

  22. Hi my partner has been doing coke for 2 years now. We have two kids an it’s been hell he blames his addiction on me. I really convinced myself that I’m helping him when i choose to stay. So many times I know, I feel I need to leave but don’t. I believe if I do leave an take the kids he will only get worse. I’m scared I’ll actually loose him to the drug. About a year ago his best friend committed suicide. An that’s the same friend who got him hooked on it. Now he spent all out money an drove us in debt because of this addiction. We also lost close friends. He became super sloppy messy unreliable paranoid uncontrollable frustrated an angry. Just not a good person to be around. I try talking to him he’s very open an honest so whatever I tell him he points back at me on how I lied to him in the beginning of our relationship before kids I did something that I still can’t forgive myself. And uses that as an excuse for his addiction. Now we’re living in a studio going on his 3rd year of addiction an I found a glass pipe. I asked him about it an now he’s smoking it. He says he wants to stop but it’s hard that I can’t say anything because I don’t know what he’s going through I never been through it. That addiction it real an hard. He leaves his mess all over I have to clean it up before my 3 yr old sees it. He stopped for 2 days an spent time with us an it was so nice. He couldn’t stand being home so we were out doing stuff. Then last night he was just irritable I noticed him pacing his body language was off. He asked me to get some movies so I did an got mad I didn’t get a good one I seen him go straight to his phone. And I already knew he left an came back he told me he picked up an he asked if he can please just do it one last time. I looked at him only if he can feel my pain only if he knew what he was doing to me instead of being selfish only if he knew how hard it was to bite my tongue. I shut the door an played back down couldn’t sleep thinking about how I cam help him how I can gain control of my life. I’ve been enabling him. Keeping kids quite cause because of his paranoia. Making excuses for his behavior. Kids woke up at 8 I opened the door he was still up hitting his last hit. I seen the smoke. Anger sadness filled my blood my son was looking for me. I had to tell him wait so he wouldn’t come into bathroom where his dad was doing crack. For the most part I feel numb I’ve cried so much that now I just need to take action. For my kids
    Please honest truth please help

  23. Is there a way to contact you directly? I am really ready to get this over with I’m abt to waste the last couple years I have left of my 20s he thinks I don’t know he’s still using
    It’s obvious please please let me know

  24. I have read every story so no one will go unanswered. What I see here and what I have experienced myself when I was married to an addict is that the sober partner is the one doing the worrying, praying, supporting, caring and just about everything else while the addict does whatever they want. I hope you can read my book, Hope Street, and also glance at one another’s posts because you will start to see a pattern. It just goes around and around in circles. They behave badly, use and abuse, we threaten, they cower for a moment, we forgive and hold all of the anger we have in & then they use again. You have to jump out of the cycle and do something different if you want things to be different. If you truly want to help, detach with love and let the person know they need help and you are leaving if they are not in a serious recovery program. You can’t force it but by staying you certainly are sending the wrong message.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

    1. I have just found this, I’m in the U.K. and have just (literally two days ago) kicked my husband out. He’s a chronic heroin addict but won’t admit it to himself or to me. He’s been on methadone for over 3 years and has been stable but recently became chaotic. My step father took his own life in September and it triggered my husbands relapse and significant decline in his mental health; my own too. I needed him to support me through the grief but I didn’t realise how badly he was coping. It all came to a head 2 days ago and I said I couldn’t keep going like this anymore, it’s been years of the same manipulation and lies and me enabling because I’ve never know what to believe from him. He’s a good man and I love him with all my heart, putting him in the streets has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I’m not convinced yet that it was the right thing to do. I’m terrified every time I leave the house that I’ll see him somewhere,suffering. I’m also terrified that I’m going to get a call one day saying he’s dead. I’ll never be able to forgive myself but I just couldn’t carry on the way things were?

  25. I called the cop on my husband because his addiction to PCP got out of control and he started to abuse me mentally he was so verbal abusive and he started to threaten me and my children then attempt to take his life. . Once he was in custody I went thru his phone lots of porn websites, pictures of his privet parts and that he had reached out to some of his ex girlfriend. His behavior had been out of control for a while for a long time, I am the bread winner of the home and he as shame me, disrespected our marriage. Now he is in jail and said he needs help and that he loves me, not to turn my back on him that he was sick that he was not in his right mind that he is willing to change. But I don’t know if I believe him anymore because his done this before. He make feel guilty, and it works. I don’t want to feel guilty as if I did something bad and he is in jail because of me.

  26. This blog really put things into perspective for me and my family. I feel like my husband is cheating, when in fact he is, with drugs. Does it make sense to say I’m very lonely, emotionally? I have started this self journey discovery pathway because I DON’T focus on ME! I put all of my energy into him and what he is or is not doing. Not anymore! Furthermore, I set a couple of small boundaries, but he gets around them and I end up “giving in” because he says he doesn’t have any lunch money for work. Things like that. Take, take, take, that’s all he does. Suggestions please, he’s dragging me down, but he’s not going to win! I love me and my kids more! Thx for listening!

  27. My husband has been smoking meth for the last 2 years. He refuses to get help and says he can quit on his own. He has tried to quit and cannot. I have 2 small children and feel that I’m out of options with him and my next step is divorce.

  28. My husband is an opioid addict. He has been ruined us financially. He is also very abusive, mostly verbal and mental but on the fine line of physical abuse as well. (if you count shoving as abuse) I want a divorce but our church is trying to counsel us and make us work it out, because he has cried to them that he doesn’t want a divorce. I know they may mean well, but unless they are willing to let him live with them, give him access to their bank accounts, and let them abuse their wives, I don’t think they should be weighing in. I see divorce as my only option to protect myself from further abuse and financial ruin. He is using my religious beliefs for his benefits to keep me in the marriage. What should I do?

  29. My partner is a functioning alcoholic that drinks whiskey every night and has for 35 years. In the morning he takes adderall, oxycodone in the afternoon,comes and starts drinking then takes xanax before going to bed.On the weekends, he takes additional adderall in the evening to jack up again. I call him my partner because we were married at one time but I was actually able to make myself leave after the verbal abuse became unbearable. After a year of being separated/divorced he started pursuing me again and did such a great job at convincing me he had changed. So much so, I eventually moved back with him. He can be such a wonderful, loving, caring and thoughtful man. He’s responsible and never ever misses a day of work and has been at the same job for 35 years. He’s stable in every other way but the booze and the pills. He will even admit to having a problem but will do nothing to stop. He knows it causes problems with us. He knows that after 5:30 p.m. he’s in no shape to have a decent conversation. But once he’s beyond that 3rd drink all bets are off. To make matters worse, I myself am on prescription drugs. Adderall. In 2011 I was in a motorcycle accident which resulted in permanent brain damage. I’ve gone to neurologists and psychiatrists and the outcome is the same, in order to stimulate the damaged part of my brain, I need this drug. Without it I become a vegetable. I do not get out of bed, I do not function. The damage done by the wreck has changed my personality completely so much so that I don’t know myself at times (if that makes sense). I have brief glimpses of who I use to be and how successful I was but all that was wiped away and I’ve been trying to rebuild from scratch for 7 years. He didn’t know me until after the wreck so all he knows is me being flighty and unable to focus and easily distracted and yes, making irrational stupid decisions. He uses my being on adderall against me. He calls me a speed freak, an idiot, crazy, he even tries to convince me I do things, steal things, lie and just don’t know I do them. He says no one else will have me. Calls me nasty names. One day he tells me to get out, the next morning he’s sorry. I don’t know who to believe, him or me. I keep hoping one day it will hit him that he’s got a serious problem and that he will seek help and we can live happily ever after. No one else in my life sees me as he does. No one. I’m a real estate agent and clients entrust me to guide them through a huge financial transaction and I’ve never lost 1 client and they’ve never said anything that would lead one to believe I was anything but caring, thorough, focused … I’ve sought counsel over and over and the the outcome has been the same. He’s never going to stop is he? He and my parents are all I have and they are 76. I have no children. When my parents are gone he’s all I have and if I leave, I have no one. Is there any way to reach him?

  30. My husband is my childhood sweetheart, we reconnected in 2012 & was married in 2016 on his birthday he had hid this addiction from me my understanding is he has had it for over 20 years never seeking help he always plays victim to others and it i feel as if im the bad guy.. I truly love this man and dont want anything bad to happen to him…what can i do..

  31. My husband will not stop asking for my pain meds if I don’t give in he will steal them I don’t know what to do he has already been to rehab he went in for alcohol he still does it to please help

  32. I beenwithmy husband for over 38 years and I’ve been married to him for 14 years and I’ve been dealing with his addiction and it’s so hard for me to let go and I’m trying so hard to let go and stop being an enabler and I just can’t do it it’s very difficult for me because I love him so much but I know that is hurting me in the long run

  33. So does this mean the only thing to do is leave? my new husband was supposedly sober for 5 yrs well the night after our wedding I found a baggie on the floor he insisted it wasnt his so a week later made him take a drug test. It came back negitive so I apologized well several weeks later I found more baggies empty in his wallet. Again did a test a week later and negative so I ended researching and finding out how quick coke last in your system. So I ordered a hair test, well it came back positive for medium user. the cutoff was 500 mg he was over 2300. Still he says he doesnt use and ordered ANOTHER test. He admitted to doing coke about two yrs ago but I see all the signs now. Idk what to do we just got married three months ago and this all came crashing down on me. We have a child each from previously relationships. Idk what to do he has slipped in the past alot apparently but it was yrs of him supposably being clean. please anyone help is the only way out of this to leave? is there hope? he agreed to go to counseling but were newly married is it worth the fight?

  34. Hi I came across this forum because my fiance and father of my 4 kids is an addict to meth. We had everything together and started going downfall when he started using drugs. I now live with my mom and it has been a stressful journey to getting here. I thought too I could help him because I was the only who seemed to care about his addiction more than his family. I thought I could help him but realized I can’t and it breaks my heart that my children’s father ended up like this and lost everything

  35. my husband shoots up pain pills. He used to be a good man and trusting and loving person until he started this downhill spiral. I would have never in a million years he would cheat on me but he did with a friend on mine. He straightened up for a few months begging me to not leave him. Stopped drugs and swore he would never cheat again He loved me with all his heart. Well now 6 months later he’s back into drugs horribly stopped taking his anxiety medication and became completely physco. Oh and he joined a wives who want to — dating website. His profile read I am fun not pushy most of you girls will enjoy being around me Absolutely no relationships, I am married, not particularly happy , no kids. I want to meet and eat, or down with anything. He brings nothing to the marriage, has no job, drug addict who cheats and is not happy in his marriage. He sleeps all day when he doesn’t have money for drugs and the minute he wakes up he is calling me at work trying to make some excuse to get money. I tell him to leave and he says he has no where to go. Why because he has no job or money. He will never admit he has an addictive behavior and get help. He is out of town helping one of our friends and I emailed his profile to him said disappointed but I know the truth of how you feel and I received no response He will try and turn this telling me I’m a bitch and don’t trust him and I’m snooping. I have been a good wife and trusted him with all my heart I put him first and do everything for him. That’s why it took me 2 years to find out him and my friend were hanging out behind my back. This drug addiction has taken a toll on his health. Breathing issues, skin rashes, blood infections, you name it we’ve been to the hospital. I got him on suboxone and when he got his prescription he sold it for pain pills. I am just tired. The only reason I have stayed to prevent him from dying. I have taken your advise and I am moving forward with what I want to do. We will see if he returns because I have not heard a word from him in 2 days. He knew he was going up to our friends house so the other day he spent the whole day in bed detoxing and takes the few subs he saves, so he makes them believe he is some saint. But this is what he does when he is backed into a corner of lies, he retreats and plays silent, turns his phone off.

  36. Why? Is it that he blames it in on his addiction. I been with my husband for 10yrs and just recently found out his been cheating on me all this time. Even with my best friend on the day i was in the hospital having his son. He says I should forgive him, to let it go, and move on. I just can’t!

  37. My husband has a cocaine and alcohol addiction and I have begged him to get help. He has given our life savings away, which cheated on me and got the other woman pregnant and had an 8 1/2 month affair. I have been married to him for 16 years almost. I do not know what to do and how to confront him to say that if he doesn’t stop and get help and go into rehab I am going to leave him. How do I go about doing this? I need help.

  38. I need some advice. Im a 38 yesr old women who has been with my boyfriend for 2 years we have a 2 month old baby and 3 young kids from.his previous marriage on the weekends. When i met my boyfriend he was going through a serious custody battle and the judge asked for random drug tests. So my boyfriend was clean for our first year and half together. I didn’t even know he ever did meth. I don’t do any drugs or never did. I consider my self a pretty “normal” person. After the judge gave custody of the kids full time to ex wife (we only got weekends) he became depressed. The typical meth behavior started. Gone for days, quit his job, no sleep, burning through money. I finally figured it out. He was even arrested for possession once but the DA dropped charges. He promised he would get clean that he could leave it. We were back to normal for a few months. I thought I was handling it but recently found meth at home and all the same behavior started again. Its 3am and he brought some weird guy to the house and said he needed money for gas. If i could pick up and leave i would. I own my home, i have a baby here and run my business through my house. I feel bad that he will be homeless if i tell him to leave. He isn’t going to work anymore so he doesnt have the means to get an apartment. Im worried for his kids, he wont be able to see. What happens when he shows up for money? His family doesnt kmow. Should I tell them? I havent told a soul in the world about whats going on because I so embarrassed and i love him and want him to get better and not be judged by my family if he can beat this. I know im enabling him. Do i just need to grow a pair and just kick him out and have no contact? Please advise.

  39. I can’t believe I’m writing a post. I feel so lost and I’m such a weak person, unable to leave a husband who turned to opiods 5years ago, then slowly moved through narcotics, to kratom. We went through heavy withdrawal numerous times, less, hidden pills, hidden plants, hidden pot, hidden kratom. Him taking my daughters adhd Adderall pills until I said no more. And since then we saw a therapist and when we were released from care, he went back to kratom. I found out, I said I can’t anymore, but he finally agreed to go to rehab. So he is in, realizing lots of things, at last. He is a narcissist whom manipulated me all these years. He is a good financial provider for us but unhealthy in other ways.
    So while he is in treatment, outpatient, he was told to stop taking everything, no alcohol, all chemical substance. In New Years eve, he told me he is going to have a drink and I shouldn’t say anything to the rehab leaders. He had no issues with alcohol and they shouldn’t limit him. He will start normal drinking activity right when he is done but he will not touch kratom. But I can’t tell them.
    Am I an enabler? What to do???
    He will not give up his control for the rehab people. He said he gave up a lot already.
    Thanks for reading, if anyone. It felt good to write.

  40. My husband is fighting his addiction to opiates he has no help to stop and has awful withdrawal
    symptoms. I beg someone to support me I am a Carer for him.

  41. I have been married to my husband for 12 years but we’ve been together off and on for 23 years. We have 5 kids together. He is an alcoholic, and abusive. Mainly verbally and emotionally but has been physically before as wel. He uses the excuse that he hasn’t actually hit me and that he doesn’t drink all the time to justify him not being an abused or an alcoholic. He’s broken promises to me, flaked on me, is absent even when he’s home because he sits out in the garage, drinks, smokes and talks on the phone with anyone and everyone but us. I can’t get through to him. I know I’m enabling him but I can’t afford to leave and care for 5 kids and I don’t trust him with the kids. I am worried if I divorce him there is no proof of his alcoholism. He has a history of getting drunk when he’s watching the kids to the point where I don’t leave them at home with him at night anymore. During the day he’s usually fine. At least if I stay with him I can monitor what he does but if I leave, I worry the judge will give him partial custody and the kids will get hurt under his care.

  42. My husband is a drag delar . And addicted , he doesn’t hit but he doesn’t maintain the social life with me with family and spend 2 /3 nights outside . No concern for family, I Ve no babies .

  43. I have been dealing with alcoholism for almost 35 years (husband now ex). One of the things that made it so difficult/frustrating/confusing/upsetting,etc,. etc., for me was the enabling/co-dependent accusations by some. I have never made excuses for my then husband, I have never felt that I was afraid of being alone if I acted on leaving my husband, and so on and so on. I believe these labels are SO damaging to the individual that is just trying to understand what the heck is happening to his/her life…never had an education on what is alcoholism, how to deal with an alcoholic, or anything related to alcoholism. VERY VERY LONG STORY short…I had people in my life telling me everything from “how can you leave him”…”get him help and you two will have such a beautiful relationship”…”he can live with us”….to…”how can you stay with him”….”how are you allowing him to drink”…and here’s a great one directly from a family member….”no wonder he’s an alcoholic being married to you”. On top of all of this craziness we also hear how we are enabling the situation. It becomes SO outrrageously confusing (that’s putting it mildly) that one is now trying figure out how we are so messed up….well heck it must be me?…am I the cause of the alcoholism? Had I had the opportunity to talk with someone that explained the alcoholic, their manipulative manner, end everything involved with dealing with an alcoholic….and….had the opportunity to discuss expected next steps for me…I would have been SO MUCH BETTER OFF!!! I could write a dissertation on this subject. So hard to put in words. PLEASE all of you out there talking about enabling and co-dependence….make sure these labels are reserved for those that REALLY are living up to the meanings of these words. Please make sure you know what your talking about because this isn’t a “one term fits for all” situation and can majorly add to the severety of the situation!!! Just because I happened to be married to an alcoholic and dealing with the MASSIVE amounts of emotional, mental, financial, and physical undertakings/abuse does not mean that I am enabling the situation!!!

  44. I am not sure where to start. My husband is and addict. I worry about my daughter not having him in her life if I leave. But also I am not sure how to leave finacally.

  45. Hi! I was over two years in a relationship, he was sober until he got out of probation and started using again without me to know.
    At first I thought he would change, we tried many times
    He used to call me names when he was angry, he yelled at me, he pushed me and was so mean to me.
    He disappeared for many days and came back asking me for help and another chance.
    He cameback so skinny weighting 120 pounds, days without eating and sleeping. He started smoking weed and then Chrystal meth and cocaine.
    He cheated on me so many times and one day I found out he went to hotel and called friends, men to have oral sex but he swear he never had sex with them and I excuse him because I thought the drugs made him do it, I forgave him but that hurt me so deeply, I felt useless, insignificant as a woman.
    I took him twice to rehab, one for a month in April this year and another time in September
    Until a month ago I thought he could change because he was going to church, I was pregnant and had my baby in November 23, I called him to the transition home but he never answer because he left without tell me, he new our bevy was coming anytime but he decided to leave.
    He calle me day after my baby was born from a hotel, and I go out about it because a called him back after a missing call but he told me he called me from a gas station…. until that day I just open my eyes an realize he will never stop telling me lies, I have the feeling that he is using drugs and cheating on me again.
    He is gay or bisexual, this is the reason I don’t want to go back with him,he says he loves me but he is gay
    He call me once a week about the baby and keeps telling me he loves us but I don’t believe him. Will he change?

  46. I have gone through the emotional turmoil of being married to a marijuana addict. The absences, disappearance, income drainage, verbal abuse, and more recently physical abuse. I did enable for seven years without being aware. And I happened to meet some friends who encouraged me to keep away from him, this was really hard to accept, but I had to(with their help) leave with the two kids we have. I have stayed in a place for just about two weeks now. After blaming and shouting everyone down, saying they are the reasons for my leaving and denying his addiction, he’s pleading with me now to come back, saying he’s changed and ready to be a new man, which I have heard before, He started seeing a therapist, after everyone involved insisted that he did. I had never attempted to leave him, tho I had made empty threats. This time, I hope my leaving had given him a wake-up call, and he’s truly ready to change. But how can I ascertain that within two weeks, I have been away for two weeks now, and on his call recently, he cried and told me he is a new person and has realized his mistake. I’m torn between given him a last chance, and then for good if he ever goes back, or giving a long term separation (which will be hard), or just letting him go completely. I have lost a lot of myself in these seven years, given up who I was, exposed my children to fear and abuse. I kind of know that the best may be to have a long time separation, just to see how things turn out, but I really need the courage to do so,hear experience of those who have attempted to go back to their partner after separation, and have some confidence that I am taking the right step.

    1. Marijuana?? Seriously?? He’s doing something other than pot, honey. .bc weed makes people happy. It can actually be a good thing. I see nothing wrong with weed. .it’s the hard DRUGS that are scary. Weed shouldn’t even be considered a drug.

  47. I know this is an old blog but I’m hoping it is still somewhat active. I wanna commend you for how strong you are. I have been with my daughter’s father for almost 14 years. Since we were 16. Nothing has changed but I don’t know why I haven’t left. I honestly have tried to justify it. My main scare is what if I do leave and he changes. And he treats a new girl better than me. And he starts a new family and leaving our daughter abandoned?

  48. My husband and I were addicts for 15 years. I’ve been clean 5 years because I went to an in-patient rehab for 6 months moved 2 hours away from my home town. A year later my husband showed up at my doorstep begging to have his family back. I told him no leave go away then he came inside we talked I said if you even or thinking about staying here there are going to be rules rule one is there is to be no drugs or alcohol none he promised like he always has we’ve been together 20 years he did good about the first year and then I could tell he was getting high on meth again couldn’t prove it though it’s been 5 years and I started doing some investigating and I’ve been finding meth everywhere in his truck in the house. I just don’t know what to do and also he’s cheating on me and also he’s abused me physically and my 12 years old son. He only did that one time it was back in March of 18 I went and got a PFA filled it out but then chickened out because he is the sole income provider. I am disabled I cannot work so if he leaves I will have no way to support myself I do not know what to do because boundaries to me means get out of my house that’s a consequence what other types of consequences can he have that will even matter? And I’ve told him this is the best we’ve ever had it he makes so much money at his job and we’re living good why would you want to throw it all away I don’t understand and I don’t know what to do I’m getting hold of a lawyer sometime in the next week or two all I know to do is pray

  49. Hi Angela,
    I am in a situation like yours, and I too dont know what to do. Its like living with Jekyll and Hyde, and I hear myself telling my friends stories, and if they were telling me what I was telling them, I’d tell them to leave. Its like its become normailty. Like its normal that I found viagra in his belongings, and to my knowledge he doesnt use them when we have sex. Its normal that he’s got a secret calculator on his phone that looks like a calculator but hides photos. No its not normal, but i’ve become desensitised to everything when it comes to him. I cant even question him for fear of his retort….. its a no win situation. And now its also affecting my job because I am meant to travel occassionally, but I dont trust him to look after our child, who is also 5. Last time I was away from the house early, she couldnt wake him and she got herself breakfast… she’s 5…. I dont need that on my conscience!
    I have no answers, I just wanted to say you arent alone.

  50. I wanna make sure im doing the right thing. my boyfriend of12 years has a drug addiction. We have live together for 5 years and share a 5 year old son. he is a good man, but these last five years have been a living hell. like an up down roller coaster. what do I do

  51. My husband, I have recently found smokes crack. Since we have been together he has smokes pot, never with family and never in the house. I learned to live with it, since it’s not effecting the way he parents or works or treats me or the family. Then I found out he has been lying for the past 9 months or so and smoking crack. He does it every 2 weeks or so, and when I found out he swore he would quit and that it was just for release on the weekends or something along those lines. Now he goes about 30 days and swears he is clean but I find out he has been lying and smoking it in the basement when we sleep every other weekend or so. He works, he is a good husband and dad (although a little lazy sometimes) he loves me and spends money on me and the family. Am I crazy that this is a deal breaker? I do not do drugs and have wine every so often so I don’t understand the addiction part. I want honesty and I want him to quit, how do I do this? He says he willand feels bad when I get upset I don’t know what to do, I feel like I am going against my own morals for him. Am I crazy?

    1. I just found out my husband of ten years is a meth addict and spends all night talking to escorts. He wouldn’t even admit to any of it until I threw all the evidence at him. He is a great pretender. I feel like my entire marriage is a sham. We have an 8 year old daughter. He says he will.change but I feel like he will just get better at hiding it. I cant leave him because I love him.

  52. Thank you and I agree and want to do the work to transcend my inner wounds. I am in the 14 yrs now of finding proof and yet not believing it’s enough proof to validate my concern or shall I say I have been wanting to believe that and no longer am able due to his behavior and other circumstances.He has never used or admitted his addictions in front of me, he is addicted to hiding literally everything about himself so my ? is how do I get over the need for solid evidence that he is using (many diff addictions) or the hang up of thinking I need that to finally make the break. I think I know, do the inner work and what he does is irrelevant. I just wanted to acknowledge this “hang up” which is fear keeping me stuck for so many years of the same excuses, neglect, and lies. Thanks for your help and concern, Meredith

  53. Hello. I divorced my husband almost a decade ago because of his drinking. It has gotten progressively worse over the years… He’s been to rehab four times already with his last stint in Betty Ford. He remained sober for nine months and relapsed last month, tonight he’s on his fifth relapse episode He’s managed to keep his job but he works a condensed work week so he has 3 to 4 days off each week and that’s when he will drink… My problem is is that he is a type one diabetic and I am constantly checking up on him to make sure that he is back on track before work. Since his relapse is, he has not reached out to any kind of sponsor and actually has been quiet lazy about his recovery… The first time he did not want to make too much of a deal about it and he got back on track quite easily but it was just a matter of days before I noticed the wheels spinning and the sneaky behavior return. I don’t live with him but we have always been best friends.
    He lost his 23 yr. job from Intel because of calling off so frequently and he is approaching 50 years old, has already taken his first leave absence with his new job because of his last rehab but they were fully supportive of him. My gut instinct is to let him suffer the consequences of his drinking, whether it causes him to lose his job or not. I feel like next time he doesn’t answer his phone, I should just call the police and tell them that he’s A type one diabetic and an alcoholic and let them do their thing. What do you suggest? also, I’m a nurse. I’m am certain that the severity of his relapses will cost him his life, very soon. Last week after a full day of drinking, his HR was a steady 145-155 and his BP was 174/100 and his blood sugar was 455. Human bodies can not sustain these vitals for long. I have saved his life on more than one occasion. I’m out of answers. I’m scared. I’m tired. I’m heartbroken. We have two beautiful grown kids together. They have learned to take one day at a time. What a mess. I need help.

  54. Hi,

    My husband is a cocaine addict and I don’t know what to do, I am currently living apart from him with my sister however my sister has told me I need to stop all contact with him until he is sober for a year atleast and I am really struggling to do this as he has no support from his family they are the ones who have got him to the point where he is now, his mum has taken drugs her whole life and he is staying with her atm, his brother is a heroin addict and his father is a recovered alcoholic who doesn’t really see or talk to my husband as he fixed his life and had his own family. I don’t know if me still giving him the support over the phone and seeing him once a week is going to help him or make him worse. He has said he’s been sober for 2 weeks now, the longest in 2 years but he’s really dependent on me because it genuinely seems like I’m the only one that wants him to get better, his mother doesn’t care… she took him to a crack den because she wanted some weed knowing full well he’s got a cocaine addiction. Please can I get some advice please I’ve left and told him I’m not going to stay with him until he’s sober for atleast 6 months but I have been speaking to him on the phone regularly, ordered him books on recovery and sending him locations of CA meetings etc brought him some Chinese herbs which have been known to help curb cravings etc … am I enabling ?

  55. i recently married a man that had a past meth addiction. he said he never would go back there….and then i found the meth in a cabinet. he now says he has stopped, but how can i know?

  56. Hi there… How do I recognize how I’m being an enabler? I don’t know what to stop or change in how I’m actively playing a part of his addiction.

  57. Good morning. I’m married to an addict with a really good heart. There’s nothing my husband wouldn’t do for me even when he’s high. It’s so hard for me to leave him because I love him so much. I know it’s time for me to move on because I feel like I’m using drugs as well. I’m starting to get sick on a regular basis because I’m so worried about him. Please give me some advice. I’m ready to hear the truth. Thank you

  58. When you have invested all the years, have kids, houses, investments together, it becomes very difficult to leave the person. Even though that would be the most appropriate thing to do to get things in track.
    I’m married to a marijuana Addict. He will use it even when he is in charge of looking after the kids whilst I am out at work.
    I have laid boundaries in place but he doesn’t respect them and continues on this path. He will quit for a while if I get really angry and threaten to kick him out, but then start using again. He tells me marijuana is not a drug and he uses it to relax. I have some people telling me leaving him over marijuana use is not needed. How do I stick to my boundaries when I kick him out?

  59. I don’t know how much more I can take. We’ve been married since 2007 and have 5 beautiful daughters (13,11,7,5,& 4) he does NOT WORK, DOESN’T CLEAN UP AT HOME, HE CONSTANTLY STEALS FROM OYR GIRLS AND ESPECIALLY ME. I am the only one who works therefore all the bills are on my shoulders and yet he still will steal money outta my wallet when I’m asleep. Hes even taken the rent money order and cashed it himself somehow, didn’t say anything about it obviously…our apartment manager was about to hand me an eviction notice for failure to pay and that’s when I found out he never turned in the money order. When I confronted him he cussed me out and threw what money he had left from it at me and said “here you go you fucking stupid ass bitch”.. I was going to pay to get my car tags renewed (they were due Nov 2nd) but instead I had to replacet the rent money he stole($150) Now I don’t know what to do about my tags and I only have one car which gets me to and from work..our PGE bill is at $700 because he kept running it full blast in the summer months and never paid anything on it at all…it originally was at $950 and I’ve been trying my hardest to pay it but I only make minimum wage. I wish I could get a second job but then my girls would go hungry and be dirty… I still have all the “stay-at-home mom” responsibilities like cooking cleaning, laundry, doctor appointments, school. He refuses to work, get sober, or help me in any kind of way. He demands that I have sex with him because that’s “my job” as his wife. If I say no he will wait until I fall asleep then proceed to do as he pleases …countless times I have been woken up to him on top of me. He has cheated on me numerous times as well (not that I care I just wish he would find someone to move in with so he can finally leave us alone) I’ve begged and pleaded to him to move out and let me move on and his response everytime is that he IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE..I SHOULD GET THE F OUT(he is head of household on the lease and says the apartment is his and I have to pay HIM rent if i want to live there) I feel trapped. I am drowning in bills because of him and don’t know what to do. Everyday he wants to be joy-riding in my car but won’t put gas in the tank…he screams at me that I’m stupid, I’m worthless, I’m a dumbass bitch, Im not a good mom…. he used to beat me up before even when I was 5 months pregnant with our 3rd daughter. He sends text messages to my phone telling me he hopes I crash and die omw to work because he’s sick and tired of me . when I told him I wanted a divorce he said he would make sure to get me for alimony and child support(he says he’ll make sure he gets custody of our girls) I don’t have any family or friends to turn to and i dont know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks and God Bless

    1. Caro,
      You don’t have to be afraid of this man. He has every aspect of the cycle of domestic abuse. If you look up online the domestic abuse wheel online it will show you exactly what he is doing to you. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Your worthwhile and a good person. It is against the law what he is doing. I would recommend that you wait until he is gone to go to your nearest domestic abuse shelter. They have many advocates and will keep you and your children protected from him and will help you even move to a new place and get a protection order against him for you. You need time away to heal and take care of you. This is your chance to be free. I know it’s hard, but don’t fall for his lies again. If you ever hear him say he’s sorry he promises to never do it again and then is real nice to you after and then it happens again that’s the cycle of domestic abuse happening all over again. How much longer do you want to go through that? Call your local police and ask for help to get there. They will take care of everything. This will save your life.
      Take Care

  60. I’m with a guy who has an addiction.. he refuses to let it go n he thinks he dont have a problem.. I dont know what I’m doing to enable him.. I’ve tried to go out with friends just to get any but then he has it in his head I’m cheating so then I dont go.. we fight all the time but as I read the article I feel stuck.. I want to leave but I dont.. how do I stop enabling him? How do I know what I’m doing to enable him?

  61. Erin, Michelle, Suzie, Lori, Rebekah, Samantha, Finn, Dana, Alexus, Shannon T. Julia, David, Chris,
    I am sorry to say that I cannot answer you all individually but that I have read each and every one of your stories. I do understand and what I can say is that any excuse you use to “not leave” is just an excuse because you know deep down that it is the best thing for you and quite frankly for the addict. You cannot save them from themselves, they have to be ready, willing and able and you cannot force that although God knows we have all tried.

    So with that, I want to say that if you are thinking of leaving, then you will be ready when you are ready to leave and if you leave before you have had enough, then unfortunately, you will go right back. YOu have to start applying the first step, admitting you are addicted to an addict and then applying self-love, self-respect and energy towards healing your own issues that allow you to remain in this situation. It’s not easy and I am not preaching something I know nothing about, I do know and I have been exactly where you are; an enabler, lost myself, addicted to and in love with an addict.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  62. I am a long term heroin addict, I’m also successful in my career. I met my wife when I knew I wasn’t in a fit state to have a relationship but she seemed to adore me and stood by me and we married three years ago. I admit one of the reasons she appealed to me was her tale of helping a dear friend out of this horrific addiction and hoped she could do the same for me.
    Instead, it became apparent that she wanted access to the same drugs I was using and despite my saying ‘this really isn’t a good idea’ she persisted and we are together today.
    If I mention NA she says it’s a cult and I’m way too smart to fall for their ‘scam’. When I try to take a break using subutex she lobby’s hard for return to the norm which I obviously concede because I’m a drug addict.
    I’m not saying my wife is evil and it’s all her fault but she comes from a good family whereas I’m from a broken home. I make good money in finance but got into £25k of debt this year due to drugs because I’m an addict. The weird thing is that she’s using everyday but isn’t physically dependent and says that I’m just weak, it’s mind over matter etc.
    I want to live, I’ve traveled round the world and all my friends have kids but I won’t until I sort this problem out. When I bring it up she says I didn’t marry someone to be their counseller but their lover. We haven’t been intimate in a very long time. I’ve had it, I want to check into rehab and free myself of this insidious illness but she’s still having the time of her life. I sometimes think that the easiest way out is to just to end myself as I thought someone loved me but really wanted a taste of the lifestyle which being from a posh area she’s no idea of. I have my faults, too many to list but she spends all my money on junk! £2.5k in a week on junk is serious and I take her away to Thailand, Miami etc but without the drugs it doesn’t matter. I’m on the edge and feel I deserve it as welll. Despite clocking up 14 hour days (she doesn’t work) this is my punishment for wanting quick fixes. It’s not one way, horrible husbands mistreating their wives. I’m going and I’m leaving my estate to my sister as at least she’s tried to help. Thanks

  63. My husband works and spend all his money on drugs and it got vad cause the first time in 20 years he put his hand on me. How can i stop it when he takes his pay check and spends it on drugs and doesnt help with bills.

  64. Hi Amanda,
    I have been married for 10 years, my husband used cocaine before we met, and when we met, but I could see what he was like without it, not long after we got married he saw a dr, and stopped using, totally for a couple of years and life was good. Not long after the birth of our daughter he started using again, irregularly, but then more regularly, yoyo effect. He has had 4 affairs that I know about, not because he told me, but because I had a gut feeling and I took action to find out. He has accused me of having affairs, and almost got himself into some kind of psychosis about one person, literally was awful. I havent cheated btw.
    You may wonder why i’m still here, but I make excuses and I hang off the good times. But I’m done, i’m exhausted, lately he has been going out and staying out, doesnt answer his phone, clearly high. And I think also getting high at work, but I believe (and this is just a gut feeling) that he’s taking valium to come down so I dont notice he’s high, as I can always tell, even if he’s only done a little bit, or he thinks its worn off, I can tell…. so he’s been coming home from work, eating and falling asleep, but not normal sleep, if I wake him he’s groggy and disorientated and sleeping like 14 hours.
    We moved house for a fresh start, and i’m currently living in a half finished house, because his focus is not on us. I am a prisoner, I am not on social media because he doesnt like it, I cannot go out because I cannot rely on him to look after our child, I cannot stay away with work because last time I did I found he’d been doing coke while looking after our child.
    I dont know why I should leave my home, but I can’t see another way of getting away as I don’t think he would go.
    What are my first steps please?

  65. What if the addict becomes so upset that you the (enabler)refuse to buy or support them they destroy the house break anything they can get there hands on and threaten to hit you or destroy everything you have your house , car, job ect

  66. This blog post spoke so much to me and what I am currently dealing with in my marriage. My husband abuses over the counter medication to get a high and he drinks excessively when he is alone (the drinking is harder to hide from me). He doesn’t think he has a problem because he isn’t using any illegal drugs (even though he has snuck in pot before) and that it is only to have “fun” not because he “needs” them. I’ve been at my wits end for a while now. I found out about his ongoing issues three years ago, but he had apparently done them our whole six years of marriage. I am at a loss of what to do. I keep trying to stay and help him, help him come up with ideas to help avoid his temptations, help take care of him, still be a loving wife. But his job is now at stake because of his choices, and he says it’s my fault for why he does the things he does, because I nag him too much. Right now we have separated and we both intend to divorce, but I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. It all came about because of a bad argument we had this week. But it threw me over the edge. I’m now worried about our 9 month old son and how this will affect his life and if I am making the right choice. But I still love my husband and I am worried that he is going to spiral out of control if I am not there to keep some balance.I know from this blog that I need to be the one to change now, but I’m not sure what to do exactly. Any advice would be appreciated.

  67. Hi all, it seems this is an old post but maybe someone still monitors it. I am married to an addict , opiates for the most part. I have kept his secret from my family and friends for years, because I knew my family would want me to get out while I can . I was afraid of being judged too. I was embarrassed with all I’ve put up with. My husband kept telling me he was going to get clean next month, next month, next month. He always had many excuses which sounded valid that right now was just impossible to stop. I have obviously been the only one paying the bills and the majority of his habit with my hard earned paychecks while he’d sleep until 2 in the afternoon. He would Randomly go to work. Take months to finish a simple job . He had a court date that would’ve released him from drug court in which he missed . He has been on it for over 5 years faking his drug tests . He was technically on the run for 10 months. The stress I endured during these months was unbearable, every time he left the house I was terrified he’d get pulled over and arrested . All of the times he wouldn’t answer his phone . He had a warrant out in which the police came to my parents house looking for him. To make a long story short – he detoxed himself to turn himself in , to look good for drug court and show he has been clean . Which obviously he hasn’t . However – now that everything is out in the open I realize how toxic this has been . He has been a drug user for 15 years . On and off . In and out of jail. So I hate to say it but I have little hope of him staying clean . I’ve recently found out he was stealing from my dad, and bragging to people that I pay for everything . All I wanted was a partner. Someone to want to support me when I need it . But anyway – he’s in jail until the end of November . I filed for divorce. Am ready to never support a man , or date someone with history of drug addiction again. That may sound cold but I’m done . I just want to be happy with just me!! So I’m moving on but still can’t help but feel sad at times or guilty . Other times I feel empowered, free and strong . If I’m going to be in a relationship it will be with someone completely different . I guess I’m just looking for some emotional support . Any kind words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated . Thank you !!

  68. I agree with you about setting boundaries and I wonder how you suggest handling a recurring situation. I do not want to be around my loved one when they are using but often I cannot plan or foresee when they show up high with frequent bathroom trips during our hangout. It’s so hard when you are around the addiction and not your loved one.

    How do you suggest dealing with these situations? Do I excuse myself kindly and directly or stick around for our original plan (coffee date, a walk, watching a movie, whatever) when it just leads to frustration on both fronts?

    I know the 12th step of a sponsor is to not try to convince a sponsee of anything when they are using. Or to tell sponsees “I do not take calls when you are using by you are welcome to call me back when you are sober.”

    But do these same rules apply for family members? What if being alone means she overdoses alone?

    So again, back to my original question: Do I just persevere through a hang out or kindly and directly excuse myself? It’s a grey area I find myself in too often.

  69. Hi Amanda
    This site is amazing and reading everybody’s similarities about their addicted spouses helps honestly.
    I knew my husband before he went to jail we had mutual friends. He ended up in jail for the next 5years and I stuck by him. He was so sweet so “loyal” and I thought no man can keep this act up for so long but had my friend tell me that they have nothing in jail and that it’s easy to keep the act up considering I was all he had. When he was released we married and I fell pregnant straight away. All of a sudden he was on Facebook and messenger chatting to every girl, he was gone all night until the next day WITH MY CAR and he smashed it and hasn’t paid for repairs I have also gaven him and his mother thousands. After I gave birth it only got worse he didn’t want to be next to me he still disappeared and I had severe post natal depression. He was working but then when I fell pregnant a second time he stared to slack off. I also went out one night only to come home and find my one year old home alone in his cot, doors open lights on and he still wouldn’t come home. I then gave birth and he wasn’t even present he also called me up a day after and yelling and screaming for his pay after we agreed I’d take over the finances because he wouldn’t help at all and I had to catch up a few grand on rent. He’s stolen from me like thousands and he would go buy food for himself and leave me and my son starving WITH MY MONEY. He is on bupe and I only realised a few months ago he was on ice it scared me because he became abusive physically emotionally and mentally he’s hit me while I was pregnant, after giving birth and when I was holding our daughter who was a few months old. We eventually had to leave to our parents because he lost his job and I refused to financially keep supporting us especially that he was always on the internet doing webcam with other girls and sending photos of himself and private parts. I got my own place and started living separately but then he kept insisting I had to help him take him to work (with his brother which he has also slacked off on) and get his bupe because a wife is supposed to help but an hour and a half everyday and after work to take him to score I would pick him up and drop him off the children and I were restless we were spending no joke about 3 hrs a day in the car and he refused to use public transport. He expects me to keep putting petrol and it’s hit $2 a litre $50 every few days I was spending cause he’d become possessed and threatening and I’d breakdown and was scared to see him incase he’d hit me again. Last time I left I didn’t care he then showed up at my door and I gave him another chance after setting ground rules. He agreed then a week later it’s back to the basics and he refused our agreement saying I’m being unfair and taking advantage of his kindness because he tells me he loves me and I admit I’ve been harsh at stages but I’m drained. I’ve left again because he went mental when I didn’t pick up my phone we religiously divorced and now he keeps calling. How do I get away? Do you think he’ll change with me cause he says he will and he won’t admit that’s he’s on ice I’ve seen it and he’s thrown the satchets on the floor what if my son picked it up? Do u think he would be better with another girl cause that would hurt… what do I do? Please help.

  70. My husband and I have been married for two years and we have two children. Our first year of marraige was great we had our own place, money, things; but then one day my husband was raped by two men on his way home from work. Ever since then he has been addicted to Xanax and will not work and spends all of the money that he does get on drugs. We now live with my parents and is really taking a toll on me. I love my husband with all my heart. We’ve been together for a total of 6 years and I could never imagine being apart from him but I’m starting to question if I made the right decision marying him. I don’t know what to do. I want to make him stop taking Xanax but his ptsd is so bad that he can hardly leave the house without taking it. Please give me some advice

  71. I’m married to a meth addict and my 20 year old daughter is a meth addict and I’m scared of being alone so I just deal with all the problems that come along with meth addicts and him always accusing me of cheating.

  72. Hi to ever one on the page .Im looking after my nefu who is diabetic 1 and has bean using crack coca . We I think that’s what it is . I needed to help him and support him so he can get his life sack . Please help me if you can I’m great fully for any advice that will make me understand and help him

  73. read your article……100% correct 20 years of helping my 39 year old son… has a beautiful 22 month old son……now in a co dependent relationship with a heron addiction……lazy mom… heart
    broken……..had temp custody 1 1/2 years……..beautiful baby, smart as a whip, kind , sings/dances
    smart as a whip……………….system fail me……mom abuses my son….he has to do everything…or else……cps involved no help……mom plays system well………my daughter and I did teach that baby every thing ……..drug mom takes credit…….my son won’t leave her…..says can;t trust her w/baby MY ADVISE DON’T ENABLE IN THE BEGINING IT GETS WORSE

  74. I need help. I have been in a relationship with an addict for 14 years. I moved out a year ago because I could not take living in that environment but still enabled him for the last year. Now I had no choice but to move far away. In hopes that he would sober up it has only been 2 weeks and he is continuing to use. My problem is that he still has my dog so I am trying to get him up here before I cut all ties. There has been a lot of abuse physically and mentally. He. Redd help but I can’t save him. I know his dealers numbers and I am just not quite sure what to do.

  75. Jennifer,
    Have you read Hope Street? If not please pick it up. I really need you to understand that this is more about you and a void in you that he is filling and less about being in love with him.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  76. Hello Amanda,

    I’m happy I found your article tonight. I’m really in the thick of it. My husband is bipolar 1 with psychosis. His dad died of stage 4 lung cancer in December of last year. I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in January of this year. My husband, Chris, has had two psychotic breaks since and his mind is so far gone. We’ve been together 8 years and I love him so much. We never really fight or get into arguments over stupid stuff. But, the last few months have been awful. Now, we think he’s doing meth. He yells at me, flips me off, tries to make me angry and use it as an excuse to leave at nighttime, I could go on.

    I’m a huge enabler. I always end up in codependent relationships or abusive ones. We are yelling at each other everyday, he’s sleeping on the couch (when he comes home), I want to hold him so bad but at the same time, I know this isn’t working! I look forward to reading more.

    Thank you

  77. Jayne,
    why are you supporting his drug habit? why would you give him cash? It sounds to me like you are in love with someone who is only in love with drugs and it is time for you to make a change.
    start implementing self-love and self-care and that would mean that you don’t have the time or energy to support a person like that.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  78. I am about to give up on the man o love cause of his drug habit and now o am feeling alone in this relationship and he has came to person i don’t know and i feel like i am not loved or wanted if i don’t got the cash to support him in his drug habbit so can you please give me advice on what to do.

  79. Scared,
    Please seek treatment immediately, I am less concerned with your relationship than I am with your addiction to meth. I truly believe that you must first deal with your own addiction through treatment before you even begin to dissect your relationship. Self-help first. You can’t think about a relationship when you yourself are using.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  80. Krystal, Melissa, Renee, Briana, Michelle, Amy, Margi, Vee, Jenn, Amy, Melanie, Nicole & Ashley,

    If you have not, please pick up my book, Hope Street. This blog is great, but I wrote that book not to make money but to give back from my own experience and I know by reading each and every one of your stories that my book will help you feel understood and give you inspiration. You are all stuck in one way or another and this blog, Hope Street and hopefully my own experiences will give you the boost you need to get unstuck and start worrying about you more than you worry about the addict. They are not doing okay and that is a given but I know firsthand that all of you are not doing okay either. And you cannot change an addict, recovery cannot be forced or it won’t stick! So if you find yourself in that cycle of an addict making promises that they never keep and you making threats you never follow through on then I am here to tell you things won’t ever change until you do something different.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  81. Cisco,
    we learn time and time again that enabling is any action to make life manageable for the addict so they can continue to use. We also know definitively that it does not help. You are doing the right thing but going to therapy is not going to cure her, she has to admit there is an addiction and seek treatment herself. You cannot shelter her from her addiction, she will find a way to use if she wants to but you can not support her addiction. You are only there to support her recovery and that is all that you can do. the lines blur very easily so be careful and set boundaries, clear boundaries.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  82. I recently found out my husband does meth. We had a child together about a year ago and he took on the responsibility of my daughter that’s now 6. I feel lost and hopeless. I now have the full responsibility of the children and bills, though he keeps promising the money will come even though it has been over a year that the money has not come. I love my husband very much and Devastation does not begin to describe how I feel. I want to help him. I cannot figure out how to take care of myself and the children. I feel stuck and have the option to move in with family which is a distance away. I do not want to abandon my husband. The lies have finally stopped (for now) and now it’s all apologies and remorse. I do not know if I’m helping him more by staying or by leaving. I also do not know how to explain his absence to my six-year-old daughter.

  83. I have been with my husband for 9 years, we have a 3 year old daughter. Most of our relationship he has abused drugs, on and off, and I would do them too until things got totally out of control binge using, not sleeping for days. Until 1 year ago I got completely sober. He still uses them in spurts, he will get some, I’ll find out and he will quit. I know he loves us, and he does take care of us with whatever we need. But he cannot break his addiction it seems. I am tired of being with someone I constantly have to worry about when will be the next time he breaks, and wondering why he can’t stay sober. But we have gone through so much together, good and bad, and have such a strong friendship, I don’t know what to do.

  84. Hi,
    My husband is an addict who had stopped taking drugs and was clean for a few years … and this was without having gone through then12 steps. He then started out drinking beers, saying things like why can’t he just be allowed to have a beer or too with his friends. Right now I realise that I should have simply said, “because you’re an addict!!!!” but I allowed myself to be manipulated into enabling him. It has escalated to him drinking hard liquor and he simply doesn’t know when to stop when he starts drinking. A couple of days ago, after a family bbq, he left at 4 am and when he eventually came home, after ignoring all my messages, he refused to take a drug test and said he used cocaine and got upset because I wanted to test him. I feel so helpless and stupid and I need advice. Please help me.

  85. I don’t know where to start and it’s going to be long I’m sorry. I finally got back together with a person I’ve been in love with for 5 years. I knew he smoked weed but didn’t know about anything else. Well I ended up lying about some stupid stuff and lost his trust. I went through hell for things I did and things I didn’t do. Now everything is worse and falling apart. We’ve been together almost 9 years now. I love him with all being. I’ve gotten him out jail paid his fines and started smoking meth with him. I have smoked it the last year now and i decided two days ago that I’m done with it. It hurts me to see him flirt with women and talk sexual to them and to see that he’s trying to find a single woman with low standards. Last year he left me for a woman and that’s why I started to smoke because I felt he would leave others alone and how wrong I was. He’s gone right now and we’ve had a big fight and I’m back at his place because i have no where to go. My dad is tired of the moving back and forth where I can’t go back to his house for comfort or stability. I’m lost. I’m so much in love with my boyfriend have been for 14 years now. But it hurts when he’s gone for hours it hurts when he talks to women it hurts when he’s mean. I’m not perfect and I’ve done some nasty things to these women that he can’t leave alone for some reason and I’m ashamed of that but I was hoping he would see how all of this is truly killing me inside. I’m tired of fighting and the other day we was fighting and he head butted me in the face. It’s been 3 days now and I’m still sore. I don’t believe he ment to because I believe he blacked out. But the name calling the meanness the flirting the roller coaster I wish would stop. It’s very painful to me because he used to be a great person before i lied to him and kept lying for fear of him getting mad. I never cheated on him but he believes I had because I lied. My last relationship I had to lie all the time because that person had brain washed me and when I was saved from it it stayed with me and I didn’t mean for it to and I can’t get my boyfriend to understand that. Now I don’t know what to do, I have no where to go. We have no kids but 4 dogs. I am chasing the man he used to be because I know he’s still there I see him sometimes come out and smile at me… But I’m scared I’m going to lose him if I leave. I’m scared if I leave and he actually gets better and he becomes his old great self that he will be mad that I just gave up and will not want to be with me. I’m scared and don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he even sees how much pain this is causing me or if he even cares. He says so much and does so much that hurts me and later says he’s sorry but still does it like I did when he never would trust me again. I don’t know what to do or say. I’m tired of being alone I’m tired of hurting that i want to kill myself sometimes because I think he’ll be happier without me. But we can’t leave each other alone because we do love each other. But I feel the only way is to die because it wouldn’t hurt like it does when we aren’t together. I’m lost and we both need help. These tears are old this feeling is unbearable for me I’m having bad anxiety right now because I don’t like to be by myself and that’s all I’ve been the last 4 days was by myself. I need help please

  86. My husband has been a addict to cocaine for a few years now …I still love him but when do you know you have to finish the relationship.

  87. It is obvious we all share the same feelings or similar ones. Its crazy cuz i read these stories and i am like LEAVE! But u cant. Im still with my husband. I am in the process of getting my own things together because i refuse to blame myself again, the stomach twisting worrisome nights, missing out on fun so i can watch a grown man, letting my kids witness this….. Its not fair to them. They are not unaware to what is goong on! I dont hate him. But how much of yourself can u give before u dont even know who u are?? Im a shell. I have my humor n whatnot… But i am not outgoing like i used to. I dont have as many friends. Scared to be around others cuz of embarrassment or fear of ehat he might do. I wish him well. But i have completely given him my all! No more! If he cant give it back… Well he doesnt get special treatment. To me i feel this will be the only way he helps himself. We all have to be strong. And i read one that the girl didnt want to go back to mom n dads! No one wants to be criticized. But if it means u n ur kids have a safe place to go n a fresh start… Well take advantage of it. It hurts. Im right there with u. I UNDERSTAND. But we deserve to feel good too. Right? I signed up at the gym. In hopes of feeling great. Building confidence. Thats why i wanted to find a blog. People going thru similar situations. To be strong for each other.

  88. I don’t know what to do or who to run to. I feel ashamed. I don’t want to lose my children. I feel stuck. I’ve asked him to leave so many times and he won’t. I don’t want to involve the police or children’s aid. How do I do this? I can’t move back to my parents because I don’t need to hear the lectures or the reminders of how much of a “loser” their father is. I do love him but I know that I need to leave for him to get better. I know I’m enabling his disease . I know I’m not helping him because if that were the case. He wouldn’t make the choices that he does. Please point me towards a direction to sanity…

  89. It’s been a rough year. I worked in billing and worked for several substance abuse facilities. I’ve read patient’s profiles and have heard some horrible stories. Addiction is a disease that destroys everything and everyone around it. Despite all my knowledge I entered into a relationship with an addict in recovery. He was in treatment for heroin and meth abuse. He was born with a heart defect and later had a stroke due to bacteria build up on his heart’s wall. Permanent damage to his motor abilities such as speech and balance, but he used the minute he could walk again. I met him after he recovered from the stroke and was in treatment for his addictions. Things were very bumpy from the start, but I wanted to believe he could beat this with my help. It’s probably the hardest life lesson I’ve had to face to date. It’s been almost 2 years and I just caught him…. again…. using in our bathroom. He promises everytime to change and he knows it’s his fault. My mental health has declined and I continue to stand by him. It’s finally too much for me to handle and the pain of seeing him go on binges is killing me slowly. Trust me I have pushed him to seek help, attend meetings, get a sponsor, an emergency plan…. but to no avail. He’s constantly going up and down on this rollercoaster of addiction. I know he loves me, but I’ve decided that it’s time I do what must be done. I have to let him go and hit his bottom. I feel so helpless and cruel for having to do this.

  90. I have been with my husband for 12 years. He has great qualities but a big drinker. He doesn’t drink daily but regularly. At times he gets real drunk and turns to hard drugs. Which puts us in a financial problem. Multiple duis. He got a hardship license 2 years ago and is still doing the same thing. He will realize hes messed up and stop drinking for a little while… Things will be great then back to it. I live my life in worry. Always worried about whats next. I believe he thinks since i have always stood by his side and not followed thru with my threats that i am not going anywhere! I read a lot on this site. I know im ready to walk away. We have 2 daughters that deserve so much more than a mom who holds back on fun activities cuz i have to stick around to babysit him. Im over it. I know what i need, want, deserve, and expect!!! Its so hard walking away. But there comes a time qhen u have to live for u. Not let ur life revolve around what hes got going on. I have felt so lonely for so many years. And im tired of it. I guess im hear to get support. Im surrounded by alcoholics in my life so i really dont have many people to turn to. To anyone reading this. Thanks for listening. Any advice or support im all ears.

  91. I’m disabled with a terminal illness and thought I was getting a husband/caregiver but it turns out he was hiding an addiction from me. The day I found his pipe he acted like I was nothing and I realized that I was.. To him. From then I’ve hair tested him, and found out he was still using(massive amounts). I kept him in the house and told him he’s getting clean. He claimed he Didn’t need that and that he’s not “addicted” to it. I can’t be sure if he used or not at the house, there’s a lot of property here, but I’ve become pregnant… 6 months along now, and I’m stressed by him constantly telling me how much pain he’s in(I happen to be dying from a progressive chronic pain disease, a hereditary neuropathy, and never complain so it’s hard to hear), he comes home for the weekend and sleeps the entire time only waking to use the bathroom and eat junk food and if I need him for something he has the worst attitude. He constantly yells at me for no reason, blows up, acts agitated at everything I say and do, and blames me for everything. I can’t say for sure if he’s still using, he says no,( DOES IT SOUND LIKE IT TO YOU? He’s one of those act normal users) but turns out I have no idea who he really is so I feel I’m at a disadvantage, especially since I knew nothing of methamphetamines before this, I now assume everyone around me is a tweaker just to be safe. I plan on testing his hair again, I’m certain it’s been 3 months since the last one but I don’t have the money for another one right now… As I’ve miraculously become pregnant. It’s no longer only me he’s stressing and if he’s still using and lying to me about it, I’m done. Will that help him? I don’t believe it’s worth trying to get him to quit if he doesn’t care enough to care about me and the baby. Why should I help him at this point? I try to keep him away from his meth friends but he thinks I’m the enemy for it. I try to tell him it’s because I care about him but he doesn’t get it because drugs. I’m so tired, literally. When he visits it’s so exhausting emotionally, and when he’s gone it’s hard physically and emotionally. I can’t seem to get a break. I need a caregiver, and I feel I should just leave him. I need someone level headed and experienced to tell me this is in fact the right thing to do. I know it is for me and my unborn child, but if we could all 3 benefit that would be ideal. I don’t hate him, I don’t think, I resent him for a lot of things but I still care for him when he’s gone…lol maybe I’m just attached and need to just quit him cold turkey. I can beg my mom to help me until I can figure something out? I don’t know what to do. I know what I want to do, but time travel is not possible to my knowledge. But I must do SOMETHING. I hate to say it but I ignore it now. I can’t technically prove he’s using but it sure feels the exact same.

  92. I have been with my significant other for 13 years. He was my first love from the time I turned 15. He has always had drug and alcohol problems since he was 15 ranging from heroine, pills, hallucinogens and uppers. I knew this but thought he would get better and honestly I was not doing so well myself. I had career goals though and aspirations for a family. We got married in 2012 and he went to jail for felony DUI in 2013 the week of our one year anniversary. I thought things would be better then. He seemed to hate me because I was constantly on him about his drinking or his friends, but wouldn’t let me go. I was 23 and in my third semester of nursing school. I went to see him every day even though he would barely talk to me. Then right before he got out a year later, he got in trouble and put in lockdown and told me he just didn’t realize until right then how much he loved me… I was so hurt and mad. I had spent a year running to the jail every day while in school and letting him drive me nuts. I left him that day. When he got out of jail he was relentless and I still loved him so we were still spending time together. The day my divorce was final I found out I was pregnant. He was excited, I was terrified ha. We got back together though never remarried. For whatever stupid reason about once or twice a year I would do LSD with him at a concert out of town.. naively thinking that was the only time and the only substance he was doing. Not that it was ok. I stopped in June of 2017 and have not looked back and I thought he had done the same. In August 2017 he had a hemorrhagic stroke from cocaine use. I was oblivious to the fact he was using. After two months of recovery and his memory being gone and lasting anywhere from 4-15 minutes, he had a shunt placed and was back to normal. It was a miracle he was alive and even crazier he had no disabilities. He swore off drugs and we set about the next year with our baby boy optimistic and moving forward. I am now almost 7 months pregnant with our second baby boy. It has been almost exactly one year since his shunt was placed and he just told me yesterday he had used cocaine again… He told me because he was afraid he was going to die. I lost it. I dont know what to do… stay and try to move forward… again… make him seek professional help or leave. I dont believe he wont use again. He is defensive and said I was overreacting and he wished he had never told me.

  93. Amanda Andruzzi,
    I have confronted my wife about it right off the bat. I also cut her off financially and had given warning to her family about the situation. My daughter, who is 18 has also been warned not to give her mother any money. My wife has threatened me with divorce regarding my reaction and game plan to her drug use. She said I treat her like shit and a f***ing druggy. My reply was if I don’t do anything she would die from her addiction and if I grant her the divorce she would die from her addiction, I am at a lose lose situation and her life is on the line. I also let her know that I love her very much.

    She has agreed to see a shrink, but I don’t know if she is saying that just to apples me or if she understands the severity of the situation. Only time will tell if I’m doing this right or not.

  94. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for more than 6. I recently found out that he has been taking pain pills since 2006 and smoking weed everyday since he was 14. I knew about the weed but I did not know about the pain pills. He has been lying to me our whole relationship and now the deceitfulness and betrayal is strong. He is telling me that he is done taking the pills and just stopped taking them but then when I look in his car or around the house I find them. I am truly at a loss because I still love him, I always will. However, I don’t love him like I use to; I feel no emotional attachment to him. When he comes home from work, my anxiety rises and I just want him to stay at work. I am debating on leaving him now due to the fact of he will not stop the drugs all together. He loves smoking weed and will always do it he said. He also is against getting help or talking to anyone (including me). I am worried about him and where he will go and I want to make sure he is ok, but at the same time I am loosing myself in all of this.

  95. When me and my husband got together 10 years ago he was perfect, did not smoke cigarettes was a.single dad and worked a great job. Since then he has had a addiction 7 times with drugs ranging from cocaine, meth and crack. He has abused me mentally and physically. After the 5th time I told him to get out and he went missing for 6 weeks and I finally found him in a crack house. Our oldest son still talks about this. We had a new son last year and when he was 4 months old my husband started using crack and pawned the little that we had and quit his job. I got him to go to rehab and it lasted 1 day. He got clean and that lasted 4 months and now he is back to using crack and he sees nothing wrong with it. We live with my mom and she pays all our bills so I just can’t leave him and I’m afraid that if I kick him out he will get killed or.kill himself and my children will miss their daddy
    I need help!

  96. Your article really spoke words to me. I have been married to my husband for 2 years, we have been together for 6. I recently found out that he has been addicted to Oxi and smokes weed everyday. I knew about the weed however, not the pills. He told me he had been taking them for 13 years and smoking even longer than that. He has lied to me since before our relationship started. I have helped him in any aspect when he didn’t have enough money for bills, or getting him the little things he really enjoyed for his “munch” snacks. After the whole Oxi situation I am literally broken, no longer trust him and personally hate him because of all of this. He has “told me” he has stopped taking the pills however even though addiction runs in his family he will not stop smoking the weed. I still love him and always will love him, but am defiantly thinking of leaving because I am not happy and don’t feel any emotional attachment to him anymore. On top of it he is completely against getting help, talking to someone (even me).

  97. I am 34 years old and I have been in a marriage of 14yrs. 16 years total we have been together. And I’m am struggling with my husband who is a Addick to crack cocaine. He has been doing this drug since the age of 13. I find myself very lost at this point because I can’t deal with the different personalities he come with when he is at erge. We have two daughters and they are older now to where I stay stressing to him he need to make a change. For some reason he is starting to think that I’m cheating over him and I’m not he is accusing my family of being behind it and not letting him no. It’s really creepy. I love him so much to where I even went to the point of telling him I’ll take a lie detector test. But he didn’t won’t to do it. Our bond was always to the max. Every one wonted to have a love like ours. But now since I have been stressing to him we need him to get his life together are I’m leaving he has started to act out in different ways when he do get high. He keep me up all night try to start a arugment and all kinds of things. Right now I have came to the point to where I’m so in love that I find it hard for me to walk away I pray and ask God for healing for you to take the taste away but things seem like it’s getting worser as the years go by. I’m hoping that one day he can come to his senses but I’m not seeing it in person but wishing on a star! I love him and I no he loves me as well, but what to do with love if u can’t see eye to eye with the one u expected to spend your whole life with. I’m so lost for words and my life story can probably sale and make a hit. I have been on a rooler coaster ride and it hurts when u have giving someone all of you and stood by them through it all and they won’t do whatever it takes to keep it. Am I being selfish I ask my self at times because I’m asking him to give us his all? Because I no it’s not easy and I have upheld him in his actions for a long time because I no it’s not easy to let go once u have been doing a drug since the age of 13 but I had faith and hope in my soul mate we are one. I’m just feeling like I’m losing are has lost my best friend. I cry at night at times because I wonder why me! But at the end of the day it’s hard trying to move on from someone u been with damn near half of your life. My mind say I need to move on because it don’t seem like things will get better but my hear saying different.

  98. Cisco,
    It is time to stop enabling your wife, regardless of the article or its intended audience. If you wife has offered your daughter drugs then it is time for extreme action. Enabling your wife is what you are doing by not confronting her and offering her help or asking her to leave. that is an unsafe environment for your child and that is where as parents we have to draw the line.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  99. Kit, April & Natasha,
    Thank you for sharing your stories. I know that you are here for help for the addict but I am here to help you. That help is rooted in focusing less or not at all on the addict and changing the focus onto you. You have to start your own recovery and that usually involves letting go emotionally and working on self-love, self-respect and working towards the life you desire with or without this person.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  100. I posted above you Natasha. I have been waiting on that change for 26 years. It has never come. I’m not saying your boyfriend won’t change, but take it from me the odds are against it. Like you I analyze every move and search and follow. What good did it do? They just lie and sneak some more. That trust you are losing I have completely lost and it is a devastating thing. We’ve been together so long, the thought of being without him is scary. But, the thought of continuing like my life has been for 26 years is terrifying.I miss my old husband and have wanted him back for years. What I want is irrelevant if he doesn’t wnat to change. Like you I also blamed the people he hung out with, cursed quite a few of them out too, but the fault lies with them-my husband and your boyfriend. Doesn’t matter where you go or change your scenery, they will find it. Take it from someone who has wasted 26 years. The odds are it will just get worse and you will lose a lot of the woman you are and could be.

  101. I am dealing with my wife that has been doing meth since June.she had been clean for 19 years before then. When I confronted her on it she made it sound like it’s not a big deal and that she has only done a couple of times. I know better, my daughter said that she has done it quite a few times and my wife has offered her some too.

    My question is can I use this advice or is my situation different because the roles are reversed?

  102. My boyfriend has been staying up all hours of the night not sleeping in bed he has not slept beside me in bed at night in a long time and when I get up in the middle of the night some times he’s not even home I know hes eather doing drugs or selling drugs I’m starting to loose my self consintrating on him wondering where he is and what he’s doing I’ve been finding Krystals of drugs around the house and I found him at a trap house he never wants me around him should I just leave my relationship I feel like we just fight now I love him and don’t want to leave him but I feel I should but I don’t want to I want my boyfriend back I miss the old him he’s changed he says I feel like make him a prisoner in my own home but leaves me I also know that I make him feel that I’m being Krazy by how I been acting lately I go out and look for him some times when he’s not home I’ve found him at meth heads houses and sitting in the field across the street from our home way late at night like why does he want to be out at these places in the middle of the night rather then home in bed with me I really don’t know what to do I told him if you want to keep doing what you are doing you can keep doing it but I can’t be with you I feel that being apart is the only way but I really don’t want that but I feel like he’s not going to stop. I’m so stuck right now I’m trying to focus on moving from my house out of this crazy neighborhood in to a community that not so ghetto I live in a neighborhood that’s full of drugs and drug dealers people are starting to come to my house asking for him he jump up and leaves in a second I can’t get him to see where I’m coming from I try and he just thinks I’m trying to be controlling I love him but I don’t know what to do any more

  103. I have been waiting for him to change for 26 years and it me I have to change. It’s like I hit a wall and said no more. I’m tired of my life being about negativity. I joined a gym and started asking myself what do want to do instead of worrying all day about what is he going to be like when he gets home. So much time, energy-wasted. If he doesn’t want to change, I can’t do anything about it. Financially I am not in a position to leave-yet. I just want a life that I choose instead of the one I’ve allowed to take over. It’s all about his addiction and all the effects of it. If I could leave, I would do it today. I’m not making excuses to stay. I’m disabled and financially everything is tied up in the property we own jointly. I’m 52 now and a job is out and I have a daughter who is just married. I am alone and isolated-one of the side effects of living with an addict. Right now I’m stashing any money I can and am trying to figure out a way to be on my own. I won’t burden others with this.

  104. It sure is nice that you talked about how addiction is a selfish condition because it usually involves the complete attention of more people than just the addict. I’ve seen my nephew slip off the wagon every now and then, and the family thinks there’s a relapse on the horizon. This is something we wouldn’t want to see so I’ll be sure to work with his wife to look for reputable addiction services that can help the family out.

  105. To all of the posts I have not had a chance to answer in the last 2 months,
    thank you for sharing with us. I want to address all of you by addressing your co-addictive behavior with the addict. In life there are no guarantees. We cannot control anyone or the decisions they make but we can take back the power over our own lives. We can decide to make a change and do it regardless of what the addict is doing. You are co-addicted but just because the addict is stuck, you can decide you don’t want to be anymore. It is not something that happens overnight but as you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will eventually start to gravitate towards the “what ifs” like What if I leave and have peace in my home, life and with my family? or What if I could be happy again and enjoy the things I used to love or meet a new person who could really share a life with me? Those are the “what ifs” that start the journey of recovery for a co-addict. the fear of leaving is crippling and eventually that becomes replaced by the fear of what will happen if you don’t leave. You have to make a commitment to let go and focus on yourself and that happens for everyone differently and at a different point but it will happen and what makes me understand that is you are here, asking questions, searching for answers. It took me 12 long years and I wanted to share my joy with the world of what life was actually like WITHOUT THE ADDICT and that is why I wrote HOPE STREET and I hope you have a chance to read it. I wanted to help all of you with the experience that I had and let you know that the FEAR OF LEAVING MY ADDICTED HUSBAND, although it felt real, was what kept me in the relationship too long and then when I had to get out for my own sanity and safety, it was the absolute best thing that every happened to me. You are stronger than you realize, remember that and if you think leaving is hard, you have no idea how hard your life is now dealing with the addict and how much easier it will be to let go.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  106. What can I do too stop enabling him? If he can’t find his suboxin on his own and I don’t help him it is pure hell. I can’t live like this anymore, he sells everything we own while I am at work, he constantly lies to me, and he refuses to go to rehab. Please help, I do love him however I can not do this anymore.

  107. I am 52 and have been marries for 26 years to an addict. None of the addictions have been as bad as the meth he is currently snorting and smoking. I thought as we got older(he is 64) that he would have to stop. He is a functioning addict. At home though he is either crashing or using. It’s amazing how I have talked myself into believing that it would change. My focus has been on him and his addiction for 26 years. I am exhausted and just want a normal life. I am disabled and it makes it very difficult to even imagine trying to leave although this is what I need. He is emotionally blank, digging at his arms(they look awful), his teeth are rotting out and he looks 75 or older. I just want a life without his addiction being the center of everything. Fear is all that is stopping me because this life is misery. Wish I had the financial means to leave.

  108. Today my husband and I are supposed to be celebrating our anniversary…I ran to Walmart for a few groceries and I noticed his truck was gone out of the driveway. Proceeded to the store with a bad feeling in my stomach. Called him from the store to see what groceries he wanted and could hear him in his truck. Said he’d be home in 20 min. Two hours later he arrives. I had a cup and drug test kit sitting on the counter. I asked for a sample and he said he couldn’t pee right now. This has been going on for about a year now. I do NOT want to enable him. He has a great job. We have no kids but a dog who’s like our child. I have no family or friends in this state. Considering leaving but where do I go? I’m tired of the lies. He refuses going into treatment…says he’s cutting way back. Not good. What can or should I do?

  109. I have been married to my best friend for 23 years he was such a good man father step father hard worker but for the past 3 years he has been smoking meth he will smoke it stay up for days on the computer then crash he is hateful and rude wen he isn’t smoking it he also has an addiction to pain pills .I have fussed and begged for him to stop I have threaten to leave but nothing works it’s like he doesn’t care or knows I won’t cause I keep saying I will and I never do I’m scared to I don’t know how to start over but I can’t keep living like this we have been homeless many times over his addiction cause all our money goes to drugs he doesn’t work anymore I started working trying to keep us up my youngest son is 16 and has had to grow up fast my oldest son is in prison due to meth I have 3 granddaughters that are my happy place but I won’t let them come over much due to his meth I feel trapped and lost my depression has gotten bad and panic attacks .I just don’t know what to do and noone to talk to cause I have isalted myself from people cause I’m so embarrassed of him I’m just lost at this point

  110. My husband has been sneaking and lying for about 2 years and buying pills from a drug dealer and he has a friend that helps him get them I have tried everything to open his eyes he has a problem he just got sneakier I’m thinking of divorce now

  111. I have been with my husband for 10 years we have two children 8 year old boy and 6 year old girl he has been an addict since I met him I did not know till I was 5 months pregnant with our son as I felt betrayed I had no choice but to try to make things work between us as I thought he was getting better he was just getting better at hiding it from me he in the past used to physically abuse me now a days it is just mental abuse and he is started to do it with my son now as well two days ago he took off for 24 hours on drugs and other addiction that went along with it he has done this often in our relationship the problem is he is a great liar he can make you believe him even when you know the truth he has no room for change and has admitted he never wants to stop doing drugs I do not know what to do as my children are getting severely damaged from all this and as well as myself I am not the strong person I used to me which makes me feel guilt I can not be stronger for my children because all these years he has told me I am nothing no one will ever want me yet I do everything for him and make his life easier now I am starting to get resentful I spend my every moment taking care of him and I have lost myself any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you

  112. I stopped enabling my husband, and just started focusing on me and the kids. I continued to do things for him as normal as far are laundry, making lunches, etc.. But I shut him out emotionally and told him that until he got help, or realized that he needed help my plan was to save money and leave him when my oldest daughter who is a senior graduates. For a few weeks he continued doing the drugs, but once he had realized that my daughter and I would not include him in our daily lives and he started feeling like a roommate instead of a father and husband, he started to wean himself off the drugs. He has been sober now for a few months. I have my husband back, things are going great! Do I think he won’t relapse? Of course I know that is a possibility, but if he does he knows now that I am not going to stand around and let the walls crumble in again. We don’t talk about it, I don’t beat him up about it, I just try to do my best to show him what we have, and what we had before the drug use. I wish the best for all on this page, and thank Amanda for her guidance. Amanda your book helped me through a very tough time. I did not experience half as much as you did, but I feel it prepared me to stand up and prepare to move on. You are truly and inspiration.

  113. So I have been with my husband for 12 years. 6 married. He was a addict when I met him. He got in trouble with drugs and went to prison. After getting out is when we married. He was clean and stayed clean for awhile. The last 4 years have been a total roller coaster. He is a great dad and good husband BUT I know he uses every so often. I dont even ask anymore cause I get lied too! When I have confronted him to see his phone he makes up some stupid stuff and I usually go off then the teuth comes out. He can NEVER just be honest. Always grips me to the core before be truthful. I do love him and love our family and I do worry what he will do if I leave but I am so over it. Love or not I dont want to do this for 12 more years. I feel like I have spent my late 20s and most if my 30s for drama and lies. I am completely defeated right now. Please give me advice! Thank you

  114. My Husband left me heartbroken, this made me sick and my problem became very very difficult and it made me almost gave up but after the love spell from Dr. Osita, my relationship was restored instantly. My Husband reconcile with me and he has started acting completely different, I feel happy once again, and like never before. It felt so good to have my Husband back again, my daughter will be happy now Thanks to Dr. Osita for your wonderful love spell done. Please email him if you need any help in your relationship. (drositamiraclespell@gmail. com). Thank you.

  115. I’ve spoken to a lawyer and have the paperwork to file the divorce. We have been married for 5 years and have a 4 year old son. My husband has not worked since June 2017. I have paid every single bill during this time. I bought him a car, he traded it in for a car he couldn’t afford so it’s been repossessed. He refuses to leave our home and says legally he has every right to live here. Does he???
    Do I have to finalize a divorce to get him out? Our son is traumatized by the fighting. My husband has stolen around $8,000 over the years by taking my debit card to the atm while I was sleeping. Ive since stopped that from happening again.
    I want to trust that he’ll run to the grocery when we need something, but he takes MY car and stays gone for hours, sometimes all night.
    Since I pay for our phones, I’ve been able to finally hack into his texts messages and saw that he was with a hooker not long ago. He refuses to admit it. He lies pathologically about everything. He is now completely in over his head in dealing and selling drugs. It used to be weed and xanex that he was addicted to, but now it’s adderral.
    I’m at my wits end. I now lock my wallet, keys and anything valuable in a large safe I just bought.
    I just want him to move out bc the fighting is hurting our son. Now my son kicks and hits me and loves his father very much and I know he loves me too, but he’s modeling this disrespect towards me and I don’t know what else to do. I’ve disconnected his phone and told him to pay for it himself. I am trying my best to stop all enabling behavior, but I don’t know how to get him to leave the house! I can’t move right now. I’ve given him deadlines and he’ll leave for a few days and then says all the right things, rehab,na,etc. And is right back in like now.
    I honestly can’t live like this anymore bc I know it’s shaping my son and not in a positive way.
    I appreciate your time and will be looking for your response as I’ve lost myself and need someone to help me put together a plan.
    I love my husband so incredibly much, but he has hurt me to the point of no return with all the lies and his inability to admit that he’s a drug addict, in fact he says i’m the addict bc I drink a glass or 2 of wine most nights, but i’m never impaired while my son is with me or drive with my son after having wine. He is just manipulating me and i’m a shell of who I was when we first married.
    Thanks again so much for reading.

  116. there’s a lot of typos And now I see what you mean by doubling up I wish I had a ghostwriter in it didn’t sound like gibberish coming out of my mouth in my head it sounds clear I don’t know what to do the real question is how can he have me arrested think nothing of it twice I’ve never Hurt physically anybody Why does he let her pass I think this is truly unjust and bias and I must be nothing to him in truth I have no relevance when it comes to his feelings cause my feelings don’t matter at all.

  117. Having some issues, of course, I knew that I’m the CO defendants I’ve been here for 30 years my husband decided
    to start using when the yongest child was 4 At least that’s what I think. He’s a concrete contractor or was at 1 point anyway We had a beautiful house had just had finished remodeling lost it to an arm and an impossible loan repayment. Needless to say Life I rolled downhill We clung to an existence trying to pay the Rent houses kept getting smaller less adequate finally wound up in AR .V. On the side of a river I was working I don’t know what he was doing I do remember him working I can see this getting around in his Shed i.e. Not around his family avoiding playing when I called the ostrich. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore he threw a battery at my head we had just gotten back from a Festival the children and I, Some Argument started … The kids are driving me crazy I felt like an island and there is 3 sharks circling my life everyday 3 to softer and feel meaner than hell’s sharks however it wasn’t their fault I allowed it. I turned around and walked out the door through all make camping gear back into my truck move to the nearest campground I stayed there before this all the Kurds he begged me in pleaded to make me why we couldn’t be together what was wrong why we couldn’t continue how come I wouldn’t have intimacies With him anymore. He had decided I was gay where is I wasn’t wanting any sexual attention But he didn’t see that he didn’t understand what it really was sucked in one him to touch me anymore Because he had begun to repulsed me. Anyway I expected him to come to me and say I’m sorry I’ll do better all change out fix it I’ll stop. This scenario had already happened 7 8 9 10 times before in the last 10 years never any change of course it didn’t help that I was always In the state of accusation of his Doings always looking around to see if I could Find a clue evidence my soapbox to start in on him when he claims you know you drive me to it if you wouldn’t get on my case I would stop if it wasn’t so much pressure on the time the kids argument you yelling I would be up to stop. Open a way he never showed up at the lake the campground he brought the kids that’s what he did he left them with me I didn’t leave him I left them they were all too much for me anymore I need to spread my wings I’d been with my husband for as long as I could remember was 21 when I met him he had just turned 21 we had gone through drug addiction already at that time and by Find a clue evidence my soapbox to start in on him when he claims you know you drive me to it if you wouldn’t get on my case I would stop if it wasn’t so much pressure on the time the kids argument you yelling I would be up to stop. Open a way he never showed up at the lake the campground he brought the kids that’s what he did he left them with me I didn’t leave him I left them they were all too much for me anymore I need to spread my wings I’d been with my husband for as long as I could remember was 21 when I met him he had just turned 21 we had gone through drug addiction already We already play that game as a team I ultimately want a pregnant having our 1st son I was Clean,
    I don’t think he was or at times he was. That little boy grew up started walking and we started using together again we moved from that town and move could remote farmland became very happy he went to building things Were good no more Drugs. Somehow endurance prevailed and We did well as a family We bought a house we have some horses we rode the mountain and then the call came we need you to come take care your grandparents we moved to California where in the story starts all over again my husband Was a contractor We now live by the side of a river and I haven’t been able to handle its I can’t take anymore , Alternately you find me at a campground with 2 boys and fan TV movies is almost like a vacation but of course that Had to end I worked hard state in a friend’s basement found little house made the deposit clung to this house for dear life for 5 years then one day my sons daughters taken from him and not allowed to see him anymore she’s only 1. My Youngest son is fraught again point .I’m robbed For my savings By what I thought was a friend and I had tried to be an honest person sometimes it’s hard to do that I did this what work I could to support the household Which included my niece my 2 sons my eldest cents girlfriend and baby my youngest son and his girlfriend and me traveling all over the country not overcame my house one day in 2016 about September mean the husband had been separated for a long time and I never really got over thing we were still friends interacted on many occasions Christmas birthdays use my laundry ate my food . The crucial point here is he was living with me and I was living in a house he was living in the RV
    @ A KOA , The same when my son was working at the eldest his supervisor just so happen to live next to my husband and at this point my husband is decided that have completely abandoned .. Him and Left him completely to his own demise she starts dating this She-Devil and at this point I Have no clue until I’m looking at Facebook and here posted Upon this she Devils post The words O Just can’t wait for you to meet …..,! For moving our RVF to this most beautiful Property up in…! Needless to say my response to this was that’s my husband And that’s my dam RV!
    Things went from Badd to worse I Tried to kill myself Because in the middle of all this me and my husband had started seeing each other again even though he’s with this other Thing that he’s involved with. He He says he doesn’t want to hurt Me for make my mental health any worse he was gonna do what a fright for the family and for me this lasted 2 weeks 3 maybe and And I have caught him with her again He says she’s my friend I can be with her if I want you have no right to tell me I can’t be with my friend. I become completely destructive I damage her track I Destroy a bunch of his clothes Ultimately getting him evicted from where he’s living she’d fired from the Koa… . I try to Sabotage Her any chance I get meanwhile me an the Husband have still been seeing each other His charming to me when he wants to be flirty makes me feel good tells me he loves me says is not her be with her anymore that is not could you just give me any more back-and-forth back-and-forth back-and-forth semi times I can even think I’ve wanted from the hospital 4 times now psychiatric Ward and in between that he had me arrested for unlawful entry and assumed domestic abuseHe writes a letter saying I’ve never touched him which I didn’t he claims that I swung a level around and try to break things I would have never done that I did Chase her up the stairs caught her in a room but I never touched her I pushed on the door and it bent in kind of twisted this was a remodel I knew better than breaking the door despite what he thinks I never would have done it was she now claims this bruise on her arm it’s something I had done to her just then ultimately Impossible because Bruises don’t work like that . I tell the place he has just on him both under the influence… I’m A rested book on unlawful entry and domestic abuse big bond was a court krapp trying to figure things out he claims hes with me and every time I turn on his back with her he has some bizarre loyalty to her couple months ago I’ve now been living in another town and he lives up on a farm with her for the last 9 months but the other month he had gone to court park 75′ from my house had her in the truck but had said he was coming down to take me to the hospital Never bringing up the fact that he had to bring her to court omitted and declared and deceptive I approached the car I’m feeling horribly sick at the time of course I go into a A belligerent tyrant I get in the truck for some stupid reason I get out of the truck I’m yelling at her he turns to her and says call the police 6 cop cars on me in with any minutes I’m put into a padded room basically naked my P TST All of my syndromesOn high alert I had overdosed on lithium hoping he would care enough to take me to the hospital leaving her to our own Interests entertainment whatever just a way. He never sways his loyalty away from her constantly defending her making sure that her feelings are always considered 1st claiming she was there when you left me. She and I have been through things you’ll never understand they’ve known each other 6 months how in blue blazes did somebody bond that tightly other than over drugs in 6 months when I live with this man for 24 years it’s like it never happened it was totally A figment of my imagination. It’s always constantly dismissing how I feel pushing it out of the way saying he doesn’t want to talk about it I shouldn’t dwell on her peace with me at here and there I can’t see leave him alone and he ought to want to leave me alone but he doesn’t He’s playing her To the place he lives is where he works this is what she Lives and works to finally has find her Frustrating and difficult so I’ll be around all the time because she knows that I’m in the picture and she won’t leave it Alone either she doesn’t wanna be the 2nd person in the picture just like I is the wife don’t wanna be a heart of a Third.
    But ultimately in the last couple weeks she’s claimed shall take no more from him and they’re broken up he comes and sees me has threatened that he loses home job , This frightened him because he doesn’t wanna live with me and there’s no room anyway he wants to do his thing because he’s not look with me so long that I’m not really part of its life I’m just something he is entertained By something that he enjoys to diddle with manipulate mislead deceive And destroys me Total betrayal This is something I feel every other day every other week every other month at 1 point even told me that she would be dying and then I just needed to Chill out she’d be gone soon enough she has cancer. This is all bull trap just a way for him to be trapped by her for more she is misled him lies deception her own malice Manipulations controlling. She says she’s ultimately very done moves to a different place doesn’t Anything more to do with him she was done she moved out. He comes suspense of night with me she calls constantly texting threatening abusing words telling him that she will put his dog in with the other dogs in the main kennel. We rushed to the foundation save his dog. Go back to the hotel more calls more threats more malicious words from her has on the phone Reding every text responding I don’t get this respect I get silence ghosting and hang UPS. He goes back to the foundation again comes back to the hotel respects the foundation the next day works doesn’t call me doesn’t text me I don’t exist again I’m nothing forgotten his trash that he doesn’t need anymore feeling so incredibly non existent and I keep taking and wanting to be with him calling him texting him begging him to try to be better than me 2 days ago she thrust A large rock at his head takes another one and throws it at the back of his leg cutting his The back of his knee bruising him From his thigh To his shin I hadn’t seen this that day I call the cops she claims that nothing ever happened she never touched him she said they argued that nothing ever happened my husband has pictures of his leg and his head He tells the owner of the property she is and believing it does not take any action. I can’t get through to him I won’t answer my son asked him why won’t you talk to mom he says which she up here did she come here I had never been there I have a restraining order because of Him calling the cops on me in her claiming injured by me. They give her a restraining order for 2 years I’m on probation that 2nd time I called the police I had violated My probation! I ask him why he won’t call the police on her he says it’s not for me to worry about it doesn’t matter I shouldn’t think about it there not anything similar and have nothing to do with each other I don’t know what has been through I don’t know how is been living I don’t walk in his shoes I don’t know what he knows he’s Known this woman a year and a 1/2 My 25 years have no bearing on him at all like it never happened there’s no loyalty for me is the respect for me , It’s like some kind of disdain but he won’t stay away from me always throwing in my face you left me! I ask him why he won’t call the police on her again leave it alone don’t ask it’s not about you-you don’t need to worry about it I ask why do I go to jail for doing Something far less not as dangerous not as psychopathic She’s scary she throws heavy things and she hits him and he won’t have her arrested… I don’t think it’s fair and I say so why should I go and be held accountable for my actions but She’s Above this punishment she is exempt. I find it insulting adjust I don’t understand how he can the trainee again over her even after she’s hurt him and tried to break his Leg with a big rock through one in the back of his head this could have killed him. But still he won’t do it you won’t call the police on her it’s been 2 days time is running out she is sexually harassed and told him if he did not sleep with her in her bed every night that he was kicked out tell him you have to tell me where you are every hour I don’t trust you I need to keep your time card Clear where you are at all times my husband says to her you have no control of where I am and where I go you’re not my boss call the boss and ask says he gets into his truck and leaves come to see Me and our children and grandchild. A he text me finally 11 o’clock tonight says to me don’t even ask if you bring up the subject again about me having her rested I will not talk to you again screaming the phone cuts out hour later I get a few texts He Says that I only talk about myself After telling me he says he’s going take me to storage His next text is I’ll call you sometime tomorrow the blow off again I respond with there you go that’s how relevant I am to you you’ve already forgotten do you tell me taking somewhere. No more correspondence from him I’m writing this now letting it out knowing that you know all the right words that I should be listening to for hearing a writing down myself I already know all the tricks It’s just another day same old game always played Lies Deceit and manipulations never an answer never any feeling I really ever matters says to me he can’t deal with my mental health has not able to give me the help I need not willing to be there when I need him doesn’t care if I cried or how I feel it’s all too much for him he wants me to be quiet not to talk about anything in the past let it go he says I have.

  118. My once fiancee and I have been together for more than 3 years. He is an addict, and I have enabled him to my and his own detriment. He has received treatment and sought treatment periodically throughout this time period. His pattern is always the same as has been mine. I am ready to allow the relationship to end.

    He has once again disappeared and stopped all communication which is indicative of active use.I know I should simply accept what is and let him be. It has been 48hrs without a word. I do love him and know I cannot save him. His family is in denial of his use and actively enables him. He has used me as his alibi for disappearing in the past, and I feel this may be the case again,though I have not seen or been in contact with him. Do I contact them to inform them that he has been missing for 2 days or do I just let go?

    I am not sure if such contact is an act of codependency. I am worried. I would like to know if he is at least alive. In case he us truly missing I would like them to know that he is not with me and leave it at that. I truly do not want to continue in our destructive relationship. What do you suggest?

  119. My bf was a herrion Attic TIL his cousin died he stopped cold turkey then picket it up once more and then went to meth then starting popping pills that had the same side effect as meth I would see him hiding them and would find them what do I do been with him for 4 yrs and I nag and get mad and it just makes it worse

  120. I have a bf that’s addict it started with herion then his cousin died he quit cold turkey did it one last time when we’re together then was on meth bad stoped doing that then switched to pills! Have found them in a box looked it up horrible side effects it was just like meth no joke

  121. I am not sure what I am looking for but i want to tell people my story. Well I will start from the being I loved my husband since I was 12 years old. I would see him opening door for woman how he treated his mom. I know one day he would be my husband. Well at 17 i got with. We lived in a small town everyone in town told me he not who I thought he was. I stayed with him . I was 18 in high school I found out we wpuld have our frist kid. I found out after that he had a problem he got help before we had our baby. Well he started doing great in life he was a boss at work we got married had a other kid together everything so perfect for years. But about 3 years ago. He told me he never loved me he would hit me and was do rude thing to me I didnt understand what happend to my husband. I cryed for months then i got up one day and said I am not doing this I told him to get out then. He left and he asked for me back told me he had cancer I took him back to take care of him it was a lie but he did seem sick. Well a year went on and he was never home he said he hates me so that way he didn’t want to be home. Well I had to leave him for the last time he of. In front of my kids. I moved in with my mom. Then he just got so bad he didn’t look like him any more. I tryed to talk to him I was crazy I tryed to take his kids way the cops told me I had to have proof that he was on drugs. So all I could do is pray my kids was self when he had them he went to jail got out I let him move in then woman wpuld be at my house when I was at work I kicked him out. He went back I’m now he is looking at 10 years in prison. I love my husband but part of me will never forgive him.

  122. I’m ready to take back my life I’ve been with an addict for seven years but its only gotten out of control in the last 3 1/2 years when he started using heavier drug it has consumed him3.5 years and me too! I realize reading this I have been enabling for most of that time. I once loved him more than life but now I feel like i just want to move on i feel like i cannot do this anymore! I need help!

  123. I am at this exact point which you have written about.I have been with my husband for 17 years dated 10 years married 7 years I’m 33 started dating him when I was 16 . I have never been with anyone else. He is the Father of my children all I know is this man. I just realized yesterday that I feel the way I do because I have been trying to help him while actually he was do what he wanted to. For me this is something I saw my Mother do dealing with my drug addicted Father to an extent because some of the things my Husband does my Father never did. I am alone both parents deceased no Grandparents no Friends no Family an since my parents passed myself an my sibilings don’t talk. Looking for my next step to be my best step.He has been the sole provider for our family which creates a big problem financially I don’t know which way to go. He has taken the car an been gone for about 3 weeks. I just don’t know how to crawl out of this hole I’m in.

  124. I am sitting here in tears right now because I have known for years that I was an enabler. I met him when i was 15, got married at 19 and split up for a bit because of his drinking. When he sobered up we got back together and it was good for awhile. Then he started drinking again and somehow i let myself get sucked back in. Well here is my crazy reasoning why it was worth it. I have severe anxiety and depression. My anxiety has made it impossible to drive or work. I am almost 30yrs old and do not have a license. My depression made me think that i just couldn’t live without him. Then there is the fact that i have seen him sober up before. So i had it stuck in my head that he can do it again. That it may just be worth the wait. Now here is the hardest part. We just had our first child. So now i am a jobless mother with no license. He isn’t physically abusive. It did happen once about 8 years ago but hasn’t hit me again. Ya how great does that sound. I am just lost right now. I love him but know that I can’t do this anymore. But how can i get out? I have tried medication for both anxiety and depression. Seen many therapists to try and over come my issues. But nothing works. So now i am stuck think how can i raise my child without him but at the same time I know that his behavior when he drinks will scar her. He gets extremely verbally abusive. I know i can’t allow her to grow up around that. What do i do? Honestly what do I do??? I feel like such a failure as a mom for not being able to overcome my issues so I can leave him and provide a good life for her. I know it has to be done. But i don’t know how to do it with my current circumstances. Any help or advice is welcomed.

  125. This has given me the answers i already knew . And helped me to try to have some peace with this situation . Sometimes you just need some justification . That your not losing your mind and you deseve better . Its a hurtful journey . But i know better for me in the long run . Thsnk you for this truthful post

  126. My husband has been battling crack and cocaine addiction I have been living in fear cause my basement apt is empty and he has people coming in there and getting high I need help to get him out every time I have called police he stops and start back again I need help to get him out I live in new york

  127. Before marrying my husband, I knew he was a drug addict before. He told me everything about his past and saw that he was already clean and changed for the better. We were together for 3years + before we got married. Afterwe got married, it so happened he had lost his job because his company was closing down. He was trying to look for another job but didn’t find any. Also, I found out I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy, he was there but we always argue and fight. I had my doubts of him using drugs again but he made me believe that it was my hormones changing since I was pregnant. I kept crying throughout my pregnancy because of his actions and kept it by myself. Now, that I delivered the baby, I keep noticing him going out and even not coming home. He tells me he will be sleeping in his mother’s house until one day I caught the paraphernalia’s he was using for drugs. All my doubts made sense and I was really right about them. I made him leave my parents’ home because this is where we currently stay with our newborn baby. I told my parents and his family and my closest friends about the situation since I could no longer handle it anymore. What hurts me now is that we have a newborn baby and our marriage isn’t even on its 1st year yet. Everytime i look at my baby boy, i cry because i couldnt take the fact that he may not have a father to grow up to. I love him with all my heart and i want him back if he shows that he really is willing to change. But most of the people around me are telling me to give myself a break and just accept the reality that even though he will change, it would just be temporary and will be back on doing drugs. For now, we are not communicating anymore and we are living separately. Im just so hurt that he didnt even think about me and our newborn baby. I still cry at times when im alone but i also force myself to stop because i dont want to let my parents see me crying. I need your advice on what i should do next.

  128. My husband is an alcoholic who refuses to get help it has been getting progressively worse and I don’t know what to do. We work for his family business and his drinking has left me having to make excuses for him to his dad at work on numerous occasions and his parents are in denial about his addiction. I feel trapped between all of them if I take the kids and leave I have nowhere to go and also won’t have an income to support us….I just feel so alone I can’t talk to my husband about it because he flies off the handle whenever I tell him he needs to get help and it when he gets angry it makes me nervous. Am I enabling him?

  129. My fiance has been smoking pot for a long time and has made promise after promise to stop and hasn’t. When I was pregnant with our son he promised to stop and did. After our son got here he started smoking again. We have had many fights over his promises being broken and it seems to be getting worse. I have given up on fighting with him because I am not his mother and should not have to tell him what he is doing is hurting our family. The situation has gotten so bad that he has stolen money from my bank account( we have separate accounts) from my wallet, and has been pawning our tv’s and game systems just to have money for his next fix. What do I do?

  130. I feel so frustrate my husband doesn’t show any sign he wants to change his behavior with drugs every day he gets worse. He thinks he can control it but hasn’t happen.

  131. My husband is on 30 day renewal schedule 40 drugs…Narco…Adderal…Clonazepam…due to accidents and surgeries. etc. He just had both knees replaced also. IF HE takes responsibility for his meds he is out of them before the end of the month…IF HE gives them to me to disperse on a daily basis he will go looking for where I have hidden them and take
    some and when they are missing he Denys he has found them and I end up thinking I didn’t count them correctly OR OR? which doesn’t make any sense as I don’t take these drugs so
    where else could they have gone and we end up arguing. IF HE takes more than he should he might stay up all night and not be aware of stuff he has done…like cooking on the stove and leaving it on till the house is totally smoke filled and I wake up…I am afraid due to his doing this he might burn the house down and kill all of us…I need help in handling. OUR PROBLEM…my husband has had multiple addictions and HAS overcome his alcoholism…and his gambling addiction…I think we could be successful with this problem but I don’t know the right steps to take. I am willing to go to a support group…he will not want to go to one however …thank you very much! Marlene

  132. I have been trying hard to disconnect from my heroin addicted husband. He recently got further out of control and crashed 4 times totaling my new car. I need help learning how to cut him off. I’m going to CoDA and I’ve learned skills I need that extra push to finally say I’m done. All this is crazy.

  133. Hi Amanda,
    I am reading your book Hope Street, I just received it. I cant believe how much this sounds like my life. Every page, every word…it’s me. I am an enabler I admit it. And he is a drug addict in every way. Thank you for making me feel not alone. And God Bless you for your strength. I am only at the beginning pg.9 but omg everything is so true. I will write again and let you know how I am doing and what I am going to do to change me.

  134. Im a wife of an ice addict with a 5 year old and a 5 month old. we no longer share a bed and I do not trust him with anything. I answered your 4 questions and the answer to all of them was about my children and wanting them to have a father. I will have to sell our family home and im very frightened what impact separating will have on my 5 year old. I know he will not change, this has been going on for too long. please help me as im lost with what to do

  135. I have been married for 5 years to my husband who was an addict before I met him and not knowing anything about that I didn’t think I would ever have to endure it. We have two beautiful boys and a precious rescue dog. My husband has went down hill a lot since marriage. Once when I was pregnant with the first boy and at that time I knew nothing about the drug or the behavior. It left me very confused and very sad because he disappears when he is using and has no contact. At that time we were living with his parents while building our first home. The stress I believe got to him, but after learning about this addiction and seeing it happen again and again I realized it was what he just did. It was his go too. His dad is always there for him to bail him out to help him to talk with him. As am I. He will quit and then in the beginning it seemed he would go down hill every 3-4 months. He stopped for a whole year and I thought this was it! He did it! Everything is better. Recently he used again and the same process of him crying and telling me he was sorry and didn’t want this life took place. Of course I felt for him and was scared for him, but I was to the point where I didn’t want to live like that anymore. The worry and anxiety just aches in my heart and now that we have two kids I felt this was wrong for them to have to see it and see the stress and the depression this drug brought. He did did people out of his life, focused on school to finish his PhD and we started to hangout more as a family. The weekend after all this was amazing. I thought finally…but then a few days later he didn’t come home. I knew what was going on, but I still hurt from it and I still searched for him. I was scared he was dead somewhere…but I knew what I had to do. My brothers came and got me and the boys. My husband finally came out of his drug and reached out to me..I refuse to go back until I’ve seen progress, but I lay here wondering if him going to counseling or rehab or whatever will he really stop?? Will he fall off again 6months..a year?? I just want it all to go away and it breaks my heart to see him torn up and just want to give up because we left so he would get help, but I feel so guilty for leaving..I feel like I did the wrong thing. Then again I know if I go back I risk feeling this way once again and I just don’t know what to do. He says he will stop, but don’t they all??

  136. My boyfriend and I have a son he’s just tired a year old. My boyfriend is addicted to weed a lot of people think I sound crazy when I say that or they don’t believe me they say he has to be on something else and he’s really not it’s just weed. We’ve been together almost three years and he’s been doing it on and off since the longest he’s been sober is a little over 6 months or so this past time he’s been doing it for 3.5 months with a full week he was clean in between our cars been broke down we have no cable or any of that to do at home and while I work a full time 2nd shift job he’s at home with our son all day so by time I come home from work he’s mad and mean and goes straight to the car for hrs smoking he has sold things stolen money from me (steals money from me) and promised 872443 times he was done he has quit before that’s what keeps me hopeful but I just feel like he doesn’t even care about me anymore because he keeps doing it he’s a lovely father and I’m so grateful he can at least watch our son while I’m gone but other than that he makes our lives miserable we’re stuck in a hole and stuck between leaving him or waiting bc I know he could get sober again I just don’t understand why he hasn’t yet and or how to help him do so…I also don’t understand what makes him smoke in the first place I don’t understand why he goes back to it he has pretty bad anxiety and he’s an obsessive person has adhd he just can’t handle weed and he knows that he apparently wants to quit but doesn’t and I don’t understand if he apparently love me so much why does he do this I have to hide my money and it’s just sad I can’t even trust my boyfriend whom I used to trust with everything whom I’m supposed to trust with my life with my freaking wallet or he’ll ask for money and say and swear and promise it’s the last time and then he’s done but it obviously hasn’t been he will literally search the whole house until he finds my money gets mad punches holes in the wall etc I just don’t know what to do bc everyone is so pro weed now a days and laugh at me when I say it’s addictive or say I’m dumb when clearly my boyfriend is an example on legs…. thank you!

  137. Hi I have written once or twice. Last time in February this year. Since then life has gotten worse. I’m still here, mostly because I have no where else to go. And our daughter is getting married in November this year. Im planning her bridal shower and making her centerpieces, which will be in September. I feel stuck, hopeless and tired of living like this. Sometimes I feel strong and I can deal with the day, I have a 17 year old son who helps me and is always here for me. I also have an 11 year old son who is attached to me. I try to spend as much time as possible at the pool or just somewhere with him. My older son has his own car so he goes when he wants. He is thank God an extraordinary son. No drugs. Nothing just a good hearted person. He hates his father and wants him to leave. That’s why he doesn’t move out like my daughter did when she was 14, then moved back in when he went to jail. Then right back out when he came home. Anyway he rents his car out for drugs for weeks. Doesn’t work and I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help. Im trying the best I can. I had a job…he got me fired.

  138. I’m so stuck!!!!! So I’ve been with my husband 6 years, married 2. I’m an addict, clean 4 years 3 months. Checked myself into rehab. My husband is an addict too and went to jail and got clean. I stayed sober and he has dabbled In drinking but that was it. I was in active addiction for over 17 years, so I know the signs of drug use, and last December I started seeing those signs. I sat my husband down a couple times over a few days to let him know that I notice his behavior changing and asked him to just talk to me about what was going on… he straight up lied to my face. I shouldn’t of been surprised but I was cause we have always been so very honest. I told him I knew he was doing drugs and that I could tell. He said no. I told him that I knew something was different. And he blamed it on the fact that he started fighting again and got into a bad fight with some guy. I tried to believe him. 3 days later I found drugs in his pocket and I lost it. I left him. Moved out with my three kids (from a previous marriage) and moved to my grandmothers house. Left for 6 months. The first month he wouldn’t leave me alone. This may be started emailing me . Things seemed different. But they weren’t. Well for a month they were great. We aren’t living with each other and he is still doing drums but keeps telling me that he needs me to help him. I can’t help him. I don’t know how. I have given him an NA pamphlet and let him know our insurance covers inpatient and outpatient rehab but he wants me there with him, around him. Like a damn babysitter or something . I have three kids to take care of and I told him he needed to chose me or the drug life. He said he needs my help to get clean I don’t know what to do. I feel like he is just manipulating me because he wants my attention. I do t have he energy to deal with his addition. Am I being a bad wife or person for just cutting him off. I also need to protect my sobriety for me and my children. I just need guidance. He is driving me insane he says things to me like we are married, it’s through thick and thin, you need to be there to help me through my rough times….. I just can’t stand to even be around him or look at him when he is high. He is doing meth coke and alcohol…. ugh! I’m so lost!

  139. I’m following up to my post a few months back (Phyllis, I hope you see this). My husband (of 11 years) is still using crack cocaine after 3 years, I’ve only known about his drug use since early 2017. He chooses NOT to seek help after my family and I have tried to help him countless times after he’s asked for help – he’s in denial BIG TIME. He is only working day labor jobs after losing so many career jobs in the past year and has NOT and will NOT pay any bills since November 2017. He stays away from home days, weekends on end. I decide that I love myself too much to suffer any further mental abuse (his name calling, disrespect, hallucinations, and accusations are UNREAL) (I’ve been embarrassed by his mental status of him being high countless times and the police has come to my home at least 6 times because of the state of his being high). The love I had for him is NO MORE, I felt like I had been married to a monster for the past year, not knowing who he is anymore. I have officially filed my divorce in June 2018…I went to court July 13th (he chose not to show up), no kids are involved so we qualify for a (no-wait) Mutual Consent divorce…but because he chose not Answer to the Complaint or show up in court…I had to file a Request for Default which gave us a new court date of Oct 13th (a 90-day wait) to see if he will Answer or show up. The Judge informed me that a new law kicks into place October 2018 whereas the other party does not have to show up in court and the divorce will automatically be granted. So the good news for me is I will receive my divorce before the end of 2018 (thank you Jesus). Also, our lease ends the end of August 2018 and have received approval for a new apartment. My credit has suffered because I had to let go of a few loans and credit cards but thank God I was able to get a lot of things in order in my name and have started rebuilding my credit and will continue to do so and work on me going forward. This tragic life event has definitely made me a stronger woman (I’m 50) and I desire to live my BEST life because I work too hard to achieve success in anything I do. I hope this encourages someone to let go of the nonsense and move forward because YOU deserve the BEST life possible. I pray that my husband gets the help that he needs or else he may end up dead or just an old man who gets high (he’s 53).

  140. I just want to know how to get him out of the house. He only pays the water bill every three months, and thinks that is doing something. Can I have him removed. I have called the cops on him a few times when he came in at 4 am 3 days after the fact. I am in my 60’s and ready to be done with him. Everyone thinks we have a perfect marriage, but that is far from the truth!

  141. Found this article quiet interesting. Been married 3x and i never had a addict before. Being that this is something he hide by perpetrating its just alcohol after 3 24oz beers but eyes bulging me thinking he cant drink has turned into actually returning home smelling like pcp unresponsive and very confident in himself to show up in such a state. (Turn off ) i guess i enable by trying to control the situation but the more i try 2 it gets worse . my husband says im just complaining so i began searching web. Why i have 2 put up with such behavior??? Then he goes do u love me lol im like do u love urself???? Then he gets upset accuses me of judging but if u do crack head stuff u a crack head. Ive removed him from my home because i no i deserve better and i no that behavior is unhealthy. I pray all the time 4 him and me im just curious on what should i do cause he hasnt admitted he has a drug problem his family knew about it and his 1st wife left him behind it things i learned after i said I DO thanks 4 listening please share opinions anyone

  142. In a total state of confusion. Left the first husband of 12 years due to his drugs. Years later, I remarried. Then the first husband dies in association with drugs. Now it appears my current husband is a user. What am I to do?

  143. Pat,
    I feel for you. My husband was also a cocaine and alcohol abuser- for over 6 years. It got very bad at one point. I thought I was going crazy. So many lies and so many signs that when I look back now i’m Amazed how stupid I was. People think it was denial. But honestly there were times it didn’t occur to me he was high when he would look me in the eye and lie. When he was caught he would blame me for doing cocaine because he claimed we never had sex and he needed to feel happy?#!%!.
    So he has been clean for 9 months. Regular drug testing and i’m Keenly aware of his behaviour now. Things have definitely improved in terms of calmness in our home – but marriage still struggles. He is finding socializing difficult. Most of his friends were drunks like him and no one has much to offer when sober. But the biggest problem I have is his lack of remorse and inability to appreciate or recognize the pain suffering and trauma he caused me. I force him to sit and talk about it every couple of months and he stares at corner of room with arms crossed and acts like a defensive dick. I find it very difficult going forward. I never told anyone about it either. And he has never been in a position where he needs to take responsibility to me in the presence of anyone else. I think that is important. I get no signs of true redemption from him.

  144. Hi, I have finally decided to legally separate from my husband. We have a four year old child and have been together 8 years. It is very hard but I had to do what was right for my son. My husband has been addicted to adderal and the alcohol for many years now he has not been able to hold a job. In fact the last job he had ended because he was caught snorting adderal in the bathroom. He stays out most nights and sometimes I have no idea where he is. Because of his job loss I could not afford daycare and he agreed to be a stay at home dad to our son. He has done a terrible job and still continues the drinking, recently CPS was called on him because our child got out of the house while he was passed out on the couch and I was at work. When our son got out of the house I decided to stay because I loved him and he promised it would never happen again, it happens three more times within a two week period. Once CPS became involved I decided to leave because I don’t want our son to end up in foster care. I stayed out for two months and waited to file for legal seperation in hopes that I could eventually return home and we could be a family. He is just unwilling to cooperate with CPS and admit any fault. He is not doing anything to change his life. So now we are legally seperated. I do want us still to be able to reconcile at some point, do you have any advice for me? How can I handle this situation he doesn’t want to admit he has problems and seek help. Sometimes I blame myself too because I was a big enabler when he had to have his adderal I would give in and give him money because I felt sorry for him. Then when he would be coming down off of all the adderal he would ask for alchohl and again I would give him money. We fought so much about him getting sober over the years but when he would decide okay I’m going to be clean it would last only a week at most and then he would be searching for adderal again. I just don’t know what to do any more with him I wish I could fix him. It’s hard to try to fix someone that really doesn’t want to change. My heart hurts I guess our Son barely sees his father anymore, because CPS has put in place only supervised visits which my husband does not agree to. He thinks I’m just a bitch for agreeing with CPS about the supervised visits. I just don’t trust my husband and the people he hangs around with.

  145. I am ready to move forward and help myself stop enabling my husband from doing drugs. He’s been clean for a few months now and he’s out doing drugs now. I want support to move forward. Thank you

  146. I have been with this man for 30 plus years. He drinks tequila every single day. He gets loud, I read above it’s time to change ME. I go out with him , basically like a big babysitter. He is very disrespectful, he comes on to other woman, telling me to go **** myself etc. Telling women their beautiful. Besides that he has a huge drug problem and was clean five and a half months , used again now we are back to only two weeks of him being clean. I want to live in a nice quiet place, and be happy. Not to much to ask. I have stood by this man through his worse. And he treats me like garbage, unless I have money. I just read above, oh yes what an enabler I am…I can be sick, and will just go with him to the club, as if I need to babysit 24/7 and our children are grown. I pray that god will change this man and give me the strength, money and happiness that I need to move on. I pray to god if this man doesn’t chqnge, please remove him out of my life not through death and let him see what I personally went through for this man, or to treat me with the utmost love and respect.. I made a vow as of July 1st, my enabling stops. Tomorrow is a new beginning. Please pray that I can continue to be strong . I need money, so that I can support my disabled daughter and myself to start a new beginning. He has ruined my house, and my life. I want to hear the truth, unlike others who you say won’t respond. I need your response. Thank you very much, for any advice.

  147. I am shocked to see so many comments on this post and am in tears. It is so sad to see so many going through this. It’s not easy to be on the other side of the addiction, and to not take it personal.

    I’m in the process of leaving my husband. My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years and my son is 15 1/2. We had everything, we were really young parents but we had a lot of help and owned a beautiful home, nice things, good jobs.

    I think the drug use started 6 years ago. I threatened to leave over and over again, packed up my things multiple times, stayed with my parents but he would convince me that he was going to stop. But he would just hide it better each time and get better at the lies.

    The last time I was on my way out the door. I told everyone that cared about me what was going on. I had help, i was getting an apartment and things were looking up for me. Then I stayed because he wanted my help. I thought because he was asking for it and willing to do anything that it was real this time. I made him go to drug counceling and na meetings. I monitored him a lot, made him get rid of all his contacts.

    Eventually he made me actually think I was the crazy one. He lied so much it was insane. I had no idea what was real and what was lies anymore. He was really driving me mad without a care. I found his stash among other things that he was doing and he continued to deny it. I did a lot of research on what i found before confronting him so he couldn’t just make me think I am crazy. His symptoms alone were a dead giveaway, and I was just naive. He left to stay some where else lastnight and I honestly for the first time do not care what he is doing. I just want out and to get me and my son out of all of this.

    I told him that I want nothing more but for him to get better and I am not going to ever hate him. He messaged me today and came clean a little and told me he would help me get on my feet if i need it, and I told him that things will get better for him when hes ready for it. And that i will help him but we can never be a family again.

  148. I want a divorce.My marriage was over b4 it began. My husband is a alcoholic & cocaine user. I didn’t know this B4 we got married. His addiction is out of control. We have nothing together. No bank account,no kids, no house,no vehicle,no sex,no nothing just problems. I’

  149. This is my property my parents left me i want my husband to leave but he want what should I do? Thank you in advance.

  150. It has been a while since you have wrote this article. Thank you for taking the time and putting your own struggles out there. My wife has a drug abuse problem and I am classically enabling her to continue. I have told myself time and time again that I need to stop covering up and helping her get high. I found the steps you covered above very helpful and encouraging. Thank you

  151. My husband has been to 2 rehabs and part of an Iop. Hes been back 3.5 months. I had filed for divorced. Gotten my own place. I’ve been the only one working for a year. When we were separated last year him and his ex slept together and lived together. I didnt know that until he went to the second rehab. I’m a Christian and have 2 kids. I just wanted a complete family. Hes been lying to me and not doing everything else but still smoking weed although I begged him and insisted he quit. I j
    Had him move to his mons. He isnt trustworthy of being awake in the mornings. He says he wants sex and for me ri love him. I’ve stopped saying I love you. When he lied to me about smoking weed in April it finally after all these years broke some bond in me between us. I dont hate him. But I dont want that life. I’ve very much been ab enabler in the past. I feel suffocated. If we get divorced his step dad has a nasty lawyer that will come after me. I dont have money. We lost our house our car and all our belongings etc due to his addiction. I pay for an apartment a car and everything for the children and me. How do I end it without him being a user again? Or should I try to make things work for the family? I have no friends not really connected to my family thanks to everything. I just want me back. I lost myself years ago. J want a normal happy life for my kids. All my husband and I do is argue or him wanting to be physical when I cant even say I lo e uou. I’m severely uncomfortable and there is no trust. I’m becoming stronger living on my own but this relationship is breaking me and has been for years. I cant be broken for my kids sake

  152. Me and my wife are addicted to drugs. Today she ready to leave because we enable each other. We are home owners with a morgage.

  153. I’ve just recently discovered my husband has been using crack. I caught him in a dirty motel with a crack headed prostitute. After that he said he was sorry and I let him come back home. He was still doing the same things, staying out all night, cursing me out in front of our kids, he lost his job so all the bills were on me, he stop paying attention to our boys and just recently he went in to my 18 year old daughters room and urinated on her while she was sleep. She woke up in a rage a called the police, while waiting for the police they were passing each other in the hallway and he elbowed her in her chest. She told the police what he did and they charged him with felony assault because he assaulted me a few years prior and tryed to attack my daughter which is not his biological child also, so this is had s second offence. He went to court last week 6/6/18 and they reset it until 7/24/18. He has been calling me to have someone bail him out. I really feel bad that he has to go through this but I know if he gets out nothings going to change. I’m in the process of selling his broke down cars so that I can put a deposit down on a new place. Am I doing the right thing, he’s my husband and I still love him despite all that he has done to me.

  154. I’ve kicked my husband out many times due to suspicions of him using again. He says he doesn’t feel stability in our home because of that reason. He doesn’t get that I’m looking out for our son. He recently came clean about using a few times. My concern is if he’s using in our home. I will not risk losing my son. He feels he’s a functioning addict since he has a job and all. Yet, he takes a few days off every so often because of his addiction. I don’t know what to do. I will not throw him out again. I want him to know that he can not bring it in the house. What are your suggestions about making sure that stays in place?

  155. I’ve known my Husband nearly 27 years. We got married on his birthday 1/17/18. He has a colostomy bag now for 2 years after colipasing and a coma for weeks. He has mental illness afraid to sleep with me. It was all moving then one day the lies, staying away, looking phones, ect….. Now he has been gone 2 weeks. He has admitted he wants help but when he decides. I stop going trying to convince him to come home. I stop financially supporting him. He lives in one of our cars in some drug infested apartments. I want help to completely let him go and not continue to be his crutch. Thank you so much

  156. I’ve always suspected that my husband wasn’t telling me things and we’ve been married for 5 years almost and we have two beautiful children.. everytime I use to hear or put two and two together id confront him he would cry and scream at me and tell me if he was an addict then we would have no money but the thing about him is that he is so smart he knows exactly how much he should spend on his cocaine every week and he had been doing this for so long before I was even with him so I use to doubt myself and think it was me going crazy it was me being too strict..but miraculously last week I found out and heard it with my own ears what’s going on but at this point he thinks I dont know anything and that im still believing all the bullshit he feeds I’m literally goif crazy because I want to tell him everything but at the same time I want to be smart about it what should I do

  157. Hello I’m not sure if your still responding to these but it’s worth a try. I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 5 years we have 2 kids together and I’m pregnant with our 3rd.. I have been dealing with his addiction from the begging but sadly it was hidden from me till I was 8 no the pregnant with our first son. It started with pills then went to heroin. We moved states to try and get a fresh start and so he could clean himself up. He did really good for almost a year. Then all of a sudden he would be gone weekends and not come home. Come to find out he had switched drugs to meth. He uses for days at a time doesn’t sleep and start hallucinating and getting very paranoid. It got to the point where he cut his wrists because he wasn’t clear on what was real and what wasnt. I kicked him out of our home in January and he’s been doing good staying clean. Said he was done And loved us and wanted his family together so I was going to move back to our home town to be back with him. Alot has went on within a month time that has really got me down. And all of a sudden he starts using again. Tells me he’s been using for two weeks (I’m in another state so I’m not around him at all times) so I told him he needs to go to a rehab center and get clean and get help with this if he wants his family. He found a rehab center but needs me to tale him there. (Keep in mind I’m not sure where his mind is) he needs to go to two sunday church services for them to accept him. I planned on taking him to both services which are a hour an a half away. But then he picks a fight with me last night says he’s done with me. And doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Then turns around today and apologizes for it. Says he’s sorry and he didn’t realize who he was talking to and if I can still take him Sunday to the church. What do you think I should do? Should I make him do this on his own to make sure it’s something he’s really going to do? Should I help him get in? Even tho I’m not in a good place myself emotionally? I’m just so lost. I don’t want him to think I’ve given up but it’s like how much will I allow him to say and do to me.. for him to just say sorry and me forget the argument and always help him.. Please help my mind if you can.

  158. Yvette,
    Walk away, leave and don’t look back. It sounds like it is time to really hone in on you and what you are doing to put yourself second and these men first. You can leave if something is not healthy and if a husband is dishonoring his marriage and vows.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  159. Maralee,
    there is not much you can do when someone is told they will die but continues to kill themselves. You need to detach with love and focus all of this energy on yourself and your sanity, health and well-being.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  160. Hi Amanda, this is my second marriage and my husband number two is an addict. My first husband was also an addict. I don’t know what it is about me that seems to attract men with drug problems. Husband #2 didn’t display any signs of being addicted to crack, I didn’t know it until I married him and he began to stay out and spend up all of our money. We’ve been married now for 4 yrs and it’s gotten worse. I just begun to get my life back after my first husband left me and now this is happening to me. I just don’t know what to do.

  161. My husband was diagnosed with stage for decompose psoriasis of the liver he had to quit drinking this is been hard he is now an alcoholic and has been relapsing every other week I don’t know what to do it’s not just because he’s an alcoholic that I want him to quit but it can literally kill him he tells me it’s none of his business and he has to deal with this by himself what do I do it’s affecting my life also

  162. Mindy,
    If you say you want him to stop using drugs and he says he does not have a problem then you have a long road ahead of you if you don’t start changing things on your end. Enabling is doing anything to make the life of an addict’s easier so that they can use. So, if he has a newborn and you take care of that child because he cannot then you are taking over his responsibility to be a parent, if he takes your money, that is enabling and so on. If you say you want it to stop or you will leave and you don’t, that is enabling. An addict won’t just change and decide one day they want to stop, usually their life becomes unmanageable, so the sooner you can stand out of the way and go on with your own life and not help him, the more likely that will happen sooner.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  163. Gaye & Maris,
    I am glad you are at the place of leaving and focusing on yourself. It is not easy, it is very difficult but anything that is great takes effort and hard work right? You can work towards the life you want, especially when you now know what you don’t want. Don’t give up, don’t ever give in, you will be able to make it through anything after this experience.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  164. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We were friends first and had a very solid relationship. Then about six months ago he started using meth. At first he hid it well on top of the fact I’m pretty naive to drugs but he is just getting worse and wise. I feel he is out of control. We used to spend all of our time together and enjoy every second now I never see him he will be gone for 2 or 3 day. We just had a baby 2 months ago and I really thought having him would help my boyfriend but nothing has changed he just spinning more out of control everyday. I’ve finally taken control and have my money and his money which he doesn’t work so all the bills are left up to me. But I finally braved up and took care of them and stopped letting him go get a drink and check my balance and it be zero ten minutes after I got paid. I love him and I want him to get batter. I know that I enable him but I’m not sure all the ways that I do. I want him to get help and have brought it up but he says he doesn’t have a problem. He’s a complete different person than he was a year ago and it breaks my heart. I’m so lost. Please help me.

  165. The book got here on Friday night n I start read on Saturday.. I can’t put to book down I have to finish I can’t believe someone out there experienced what Iam going though n survived… iam mad at myself really down for pure up with all I’ve been through… I decide bfore I start the book I was done and now … Iam 100% positive! But really hurts n is not easy!

  166. Thank you, it took 15 long years to leave my husband and his addiction. I divorced both him and his drugs, I had to find myself again and guess what! He’s still in his active addiction so even divorcing did not change him. Now I am stronger and wiser and more confident since I left and I don’t have dark circles under my eyes anymore from being up all night with worry, now I sleep like a baby

  167. Maria and Nico,
    None of this is easy and it really helps to be heard and understood. That is why we are all here. There is no perfect scenario when living with or loving an addict but what we eventually figure out is that
    we have to make our own scenario, one that works for us. Getting out of the situation is usually the first step. We relearn how to be happy, stable, calm and have peace in our lives but that is not easy.
    The worrying about someone else’s problem leaves us slowly and in time and we replace that, hopefully, with caring for ourselves and our own well being.
    You deserve to have a happy life and have healthy relationships and we need to know that and have to relearn how to do that. We have relearn how to love ourselves and put us first. It is a process but
    it will come and you will find joy and gratitude in finding YOU again.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  168. Hi Amanda! I will read your book ASAP! I am going throw a divorce after 12 years of marriage no kids! Thanks Lord! My still on papers husband!!! Since we marriage has problem with addiction.. when was not with drugs was with alcohool… he was a sweet heart person for few years after he got better from drinking! But then 4 years ago he start using drugs n I got sick again… first time I had a mild stroke n got depressed!!! Almost died!!! Now iam having muscle pain! And I work cleaning houses… I have a small business with him… well I’ve been trying leave him for 2 years already n always would find a way to stay! I moved 3 times without him n I accept him to move back with me!!! I was not ready!!! Now I came to the point! I can bear this suffering anymore I thought I could help him praying and waiting for a miracle… did not happen! Then I figured out… he can change bcauz he does not want to!!! Nobody can help him!!! I was enabling in many ways… now iam stand on my ground n not doing so he became really frustrade… and all we do is fight when we are around each other! His mom enables him till this day!!! N want me to do too! So now I have to person to handle with!!! I said no no!! To her request! She still calls him my baby!!! Sometimes she stick up for me… but she does not understand I can’t be driving him till 2 or 3 am after long day working! He is owner of the biseness too! So now the problem is … I’ve been finding so hard come to a final splitting of the bissiness! I take care of everything bcauz he became messy n bills was all over the place!!! So he blame me n call me control person!!! Iam to the point of just move wsy n let him have everything… but I owe some money bcauz of him!!! Yes I bailed him out once and iam paying for that… I did not know what I was doing calls enabling!!! I could figure out some not all!!! So Iam going to read the book to get some more info! That will help me!!! I can’t afgord a lawyer right now… any tip to me??? Also iam looking for a therapist… somebody to help me bcauz of the emocional abuse… I was not ready bfor but these few moths I’ve seen I do not deserve n I don’t need to live like that! IAM constantly in pain n not living my life at all! I stop doing what I liked n just working to pay bills! No vacation for 4-5 years! So I just now had the courage to not allowed him to even come here! He helps me few days with the job right now I have just one helper and can’t do the big days just me e one other helper!!! He is really mad bcauz I even had to involve a third part to ask him to leave my place!!! And I’ve been retaliated by his words n attitudes!!! Has not been easy for me!

  169. so after 20 years and many stints of sobriety with my husband i have finally cut ties. the addiction will never change. this will be the fourth relapse the fourth time ive called it quits. the biggest difference this time is that i have filed a domestic violence charge. when he was picked up for incident he was arrested not only for domestic violence but a methamphetamine charge among many other drug charges that he had on his self at time of arrest. in the same day i filed for an epo/dvo which was granted. after being charged he accepted all drug charges with a guilty plea and a no contest for domestic violence. he was given a plea bargain for charges and has a mandatory 6 months rehab or jail time with 6 months sitting on shelf if any further violation plus more jail time and all charges being fully enforced. since then i have been trying to move on. we have an special needs adult child together. the hardest part of leaving was standing on my own and the responsibility that comes along with having a special needs child and realizing that in all reality that i will never have support from him in any form for our child. i am filing for divorce and custody at this point and have a long battle to ensue. i have reached out to several advocacy groups to get into counseling to try to help with the ptsd of this whole situation to no avail. being in such a small community there is no narc anon meetings or alanon. beginning self love after many years of being an enabler and sacrificing myself to try to help him has been the hardest. learning i was also in a codependent, narcissistic/empath relationship on top of the addiction has taken its toil on myself and my child. but now the abuse start again in forms of passive aggressiveness taking from his child and me. financially and material goods of all sorts. i am glad the dvo is in place and on top of that part of his plea deal was no contact with me for the next 2 years. in all of this our child suffers the most which breaks my heart that i allowed this. but one step at a time i have put measures in place to end this i am not only protecting myself from him but him from me as well because my enabling has only prolonged his addiction

  170. Georgie,
    You cannot stop your boyfriend from doing anything, if he is doing this and he is not a good boyfriend to you then you have every right to leave him. You can not accept his behavior by ending things with him if he continues to disrespect you but you can’t make him do anything.
    Keri, It is time for you to tell him that if he uses then you will no longer allow him in your home or your life. You love him but will no longer support or be a part of this life with him. It is okay to stick up for yourself and it is okay to set boundaries. You can love someone from a distance and not allow them to tear you apart from the inside out. It is time for you to break free from this life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

  171. Jennifer, YES you are enabling him. It is a hard realization to come to but if you are not setting boundaries and sticking to them, like 100% drug free or you are not allowed to be around me and our children, then you are not giving him any consequences. He can use because you won’t really leave him or make him go. And now he is even telling you he wants to and passive aggressively wanting you to give him money to do it. It is time for you to stay strong and stop making excuses for his behavior because doing that does not help him or you or your kids.
    Keri, It is time for you to tell him that if he uses then you will no longer allow him in your home or your life. You love him but will no longer support or be a part of this life with him. It is okay to stick up for yourself and it is okay to set boundaries. You can love someone from a distance and not allow them to tear you apart from the inside out. It is time for you to break free from this life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

  172. I need to Stop my Narcissist boyfriend from continuing to communicate with his Alcoholic friend who is in rehab and has a husband and two children. Ever since he started communicating with her again he started to mentally and emotionally abuse me for the past 2 months. Her facility and doctors counselor have all told her he is part of her problems but yet she is a major part of his problems as well. I have exhausted myself to the point I can no longer take this abuse. He stated to me when she is out of rehab they are going to start a life together and her husband and children wait for her healthy happy return to them. I myself will be counseling to help sort out why my bipolar boyfriend has turned so quickly to communicate with her . Please I’m looking for so direction in my life. Thank you and God Bless!

  173. Hi there, my partner has had a problem with crack cocaine. After a long and arduous few years he finaly went to rehab for 3 months which was realy hard on me and our 2 children (and of course him). I always said that if things got bad again he’d be back to his mums again. When he came out he was like a different person and everything was amazing….for about 2 weeks. Then from then on things just slowly but increasingly weren’t great. But nothing specific. And then he tells me one day that he’s relapsed but he was realy upset about it and I gave him my support and sympathy. He went to an NA meeting the next day and was working on his recovery again. And he’s started lieing to me about where he’s been -he said he was round a friends but he tells me he was round a girls apparently instead (I beleive he wouldn’t cheat on me but why lie?!?!) And he’s been very moody and not very nice until last night when he says he just wants to do it one more time and thats it (he hasn’t got any money, I’ve got all the money) I didn’t give him any though. All this time I’ve been giving him sympathy and trying my hardest to help because I know he’s worth it and I love him…..I feel like i shouldnt give up on him and i know im not perfect either. Things arnt as bad as they were before he went to rehab but am I enabling him?? Im nor happy but I just don’t know what to do!!! Please please give me some advice. Thankyou.

  174. Sharon, You can take the car but it won’t stop him from doing what he is doing.

    Lauren, if he goes just for you, then he is not ready to stop, he is just placating you. The only way to know is to see what he does in time, to see if he stays sober. There is no magic crystal and we can’t know what will happen but an addict usually has to come to the decision that they want to get sober not just because they get caught.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  175. Kenni, good for you. you met your breaking point and you knew you didn’t want to live this way anymore. that is a hard thing to do, I know. You are going to be okay and thank you for sharing your courage here with others.

    Robin, I would like to think that this is not a place where people are so desperate they come for advice but a place people come for comfort, sound advice, to help others and to share their stories. It really sounds like you need help for you because you know you can’t change him so coming here, we try to support each other to get healthier. If you know you cannot change him and he has not gotten clean for most of his life, then you are going to have to accept the fact that your husband may always be an addict. If you cannot accept that, then YOU have to do something to make a change.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  176. Jenn,
    It will end when you leave, that is the cold, hard truth. You will be able to restore some sanity to your household and provide your boys a more stable environment.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  177. Elizabeth and Selena,
    Have you read Hope Street? Honestly it is the best way I can relay to you that as hard as it is to leave the addict alone, you have to. It is not your fault, your responsibility and you cannot change this person.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  178. i want to really appreciate what dr. zaki did for me by post this comment here for people to know how good this man is and how grateful i am. i am 34 and i have been in a relationship with this guy for a year and seven months i really enjoy the time we spent together despite people dont no we are gay but it was a secret date. i found out he was date a girl from the college i was very upset and i convince him but he refuse and still want the relation to go on but i was every jealous so we breakup around August but at a time i was okay but after few weeks i really miss him so i try to win him back he refuse so i need a help so i contacted a spell caster Dr. zaki who help me and we are happy again now. if you need his help just contact him and drop your number he will even call you am happy now. is email is dr.zakispellhome@gmail. com

  179. I recently learned my husband has been smoking meth and opiates for the past 3 years, we have been married for just over four years and my oldersst child his. So most of my marriage and all my son’s life he has been on drugs. He got caught by mother and finally admitted it after weeks of asking. This is his third relapse on meth. He did it as a teenager and then cut it out cold turkey. But he has recently admitted that he used other things just wouldn’t say what during the 9 year “sobriety” everyone thought he had. I didn’t have a clue. I thought he was clean the whole time, I have no experience of drugs. He has agreed to go to inpatient rehab but says it’s for me and the kids because he doesn’t need it to get and stay clean. He says he needs to be home with a family that loves and supports him. I wanted him to go to teen challenge but he reduses because it’s religious and he can’t smoke cigarettes. He tells me he loves me and wants me to give him another chance. I want to believe him but my family is saying he is just manipulating me and I should leave for me and my kids. I’m afraid at this point even if he does inpatient he won’t take it seriously because he doesn’t think he needs it and just wants to make me happy. Can I believe that he wants to get and stay sober for us or is he just manipulating me?

  180. Good evening! My husband has a drug problem, after 8 months, I finally took the car from him is this the right thing to!

  181. I was married to an addict for 15 years. He ruined my life. I enabled him to the max. Getting involved with him was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I had no beginning of a clue how addicts were and what addiction was. It was to heroin. He did unspeakable things that I have a very difficult time falling my head around. One day I had had enough. I left with nothing but the clothes on my back. With nothing. I had nothing. He took everything from me. I still am not officially divorced. I am pretty sure he will not sign. Looking back I realize just how sick my whole relationship was with him. They don’t change. Give up trying to change of fix them. You will only lose yourself and exhaust yourself in the process. Get out. M ov e on. Save yourself. I am going to need therapy for a long time.

  182. Hello. So……….of course i am desperate for advice. thats why i am on here………lets just start with……im 29. husband who has been a drug addict since he was 13. and has lived a lifestyle of lets say……not normal according to society. but he has made effort to stop. he has stopped a lot of activity that was not good for him nor. but still has the bad habbit. as his wife……how do i help him. i dont want to leave him. i know i cant make him stop. i know that. only thing i can think or or know to do is pray for him. try not to make a big deal of things too much to where it turns to an argument. i do sometimes bring it up and yes not in the calm way i should but only cause i hold it in for so long……..he has so much potential. very smart. and honestly has a heart of gold and has always tried to do people right. what would be the best advise you have for my situation. im so sad watching him do this. it breaks my heart. and honestly i know he is shamed of it. and hates that he does it himself.

  183. As I was reading your article it was my situation almost exactly. My husband of 17 years became addicted to pain killers about 6 years ago. Now he has moved to snorting herion/phentinol(not sure of that spelling). Anyway, so at first I didn’t think it was a major issue but then he lost his job, started pawning all of our boys and my stuff. I thought if I gave him money he wouldn’t pawn anything but that never changed. My oldest is 18 and my youngest is 11. My 11 year old have sensory processing issues but was getting much better until his dad started doing all of this. I know that it would be in our best interest to leave. I am at my breaking point and I don’t want to put my kids through this anymore. I am a strong person and work full time. I wanted to leave last year but first of all he kept telling me he was going to change and stupid me believed him. Secondly, I cannot save money for a down payment on anything because of him. I am at a total loss when it comes to going. I know it is not healthy for my children and myself. I try to make things better for them but it always backfires because I cut my husband off money and he just pawns their stuff after I get it out. I have kept some stuff in my car at a friends house but occasionally it has to come home and it is gone the minute I turn my back. I am just not sure what I should do next. I have called the police but because we are married I cannot do anything about what is taken and pawned. When will it end?!?!

  184. Im at a loss here and dony know what to do… Im ready to listen and need your advice. My husband has relapsed for his second time now. I 100% support his decision but I cant quite wrap my head around on what boundaries there should be. He sleeping constantly and just wants to lay on the couch and not deal with anything. Im finding this extremely difficult to just watch. Is this the norm? Should he still just get up and deal with life. Im a stay at home mom so i was always doing most of the cooking and cleaning and that doesnt bother me. He is also laid off right now and while hes at home he has started doing renovations to the house which have come to a hult, not because of the addictiom but because of lack of knowledge on how to get it done and we are expecting a experienced professional to come in hopefully sometime next week. This morning was day 2 of him sleeping for 2 days straight and b.c i mentioned to one of his friends that he had still been sleeping he got extremely angry with me and said that i shouldnt be telling his life story. This i feel was an extremely exaggerated statement and it just blew off from there with him telling me ots my fault he was doing them and that i pull him down and that i need tp get my life together and get a job. That all leaded me to telling him that only a drug addict would say those things and that its just not true and okay. Now I realize i shouldnt have said what i said but im just trying to be 100% honest here with what is happening and get some real advice. I dont know anyone in this same situation and dont know what else to do. What i should do?or how to deal with this? Please help me.

  185. I have been with him 8 years, married 2 years and have discovered in the last year my husband is smoking meth and having sex with men. I am beyond sad and hurt about this and although I feel very confident leaving him is the best decision, I am having a hard time doing it! This is where you want everyone to tell you what to do but you don’t listen because they all say walk away and don’t look back. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

  186. Crystal, Bev, Adkin, Dorothy, Dianne, rcd, Leigh,
    Yes you are all enabling and co-addicted to an addict. which means that you put their addiction, problems, and issues above your health, happiness and life. I have been there and I can tell you that that emotional roller coaster is hard to get off of.
    and never second guess yourself, if you even think your partner is using Dorothy, he is! Your gut is almost always right and the addict will lie while looking you in the eye with a straight face.
    even if the addict recovers Leigh, doesn’t mean that you can or have to just get over the past. The things an addict does hurts and it is not easy to get over but for you, for your own sanity and health you have to and that means you have to do the work to heal.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer:

  187. I am marriage to a addict he’s addicted to everything…
    I have left him many times since the last 10 years and every time I left he got better and then went back to it and becomes abusive, aggressive,empty’s bank account , takes everything from me and our children and I always forgive him because I blame the addiction and not him . But I don’t trust him I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I love him and he’s a wonderful person when he’s not on drugs but through out our marriage he’s been on. How can I completely stop , walk away forever and stop forgiving him? he doesn’t work Doesnt care for friends he has no one . He crys tells me everything I need to hear to stick around but I’m tired HOW DO I STOP CARING . How do I move on

  188. My husband has been clean on and off for years from heroin. Now he is in a methadone program and is working. But occasionally I see him nodding off later in the day. Here’s the kicker, his mom deals heroin and he feels the need to visit her every day. How can I stop this.i don’t know what to do.

  189. My dh clean from alcohol and cocaine for 6 months now. I test regularly so i can say that with confidence. But i still find i don’t understand why he did that and shockingly for so long(6 yrs) sometimes i forget what we went through. Then something reminds me and i’m angry and confused.
    My first question is crack and heroine a worse (uglier) addiction than cocaine? Why do i think that?
    Also he didn’t use everyday – always had a job and no ones knows still. I think i’m trying to salvage some of his behavior. Still hurts the mental abuse, the lying, the fighting my kids were subjected to and the waste of money$$$$$$. Still frustrated. l

  190. I posted on December 17th about my husbands addiction to heroin. I joined a Nar-Anon Family support group. It really helps, I advise anyone struggling with a family member or a loved one to try it. My husband was arrested last week due to getting physically abusive when I asked him to leave if he wanted to continue using and not seek help. The next day at the court house I took out a restraining order and then his mother did a Section 35 which basically forced him into treatment, so he is committed there form 30 – 90 days. Honestly, this has been the most relaxing week of my life, I have decided that I am not going to take him back. I really hope he gets clean and does better but I don’t want him back in my life. The scars from this are just too deep and I don’t believe I can get over some of the things he has put my children and myself through. I love him, I probably always will, but I can’t trust him and I haven’t liked him for a very long time.

  191. I just read about enabling. I’m not sure if I’m even an enabler? I’m very confused, although I do know I feel as though I’m addicted to his addiction. Always thinking about it, se he yards behind my back like I don’t know and lies about it. It drives me nuts and hurts me emotionally. I’m and aware that this shouldn’t bother me….his choices and behavior. But it does and we have continued to fight and argue even after 25 years of marriage. When I think he’s using (out never usually in front of me, because he says he respects me). So I say wh n your out I will not be home wh n you come home. But I get angry that he says Indont need to do becaus he quit. I’ve lost all my trust. I do love him and we have managed to stay together. He lies and I say okay or I don’t believe you and we fight. Just not sure wher to start. Am I an enabler or codependent? Will probably never get him to tell the truth. So do I just live with him thinking he’s pull the wool over my eyes? Thank you

  192. My husband is addicted to Vicodin. His moods are so extream now.. when he is happy it’s bliss but the mood takes a turn it’s hell. He has become so open about it now he will tell me all about his pills and when he does not have them. It confuses me most times and the funny thing is that when he talks about it I feel like it’s his way of progressing though his addiction. I have put my life on hold it feels like, and I became so wrapped up in his world that mine has completely fallen apart. I sometimes can’t picture my life without him . I know i enable him but do not know any other life. My mom is an addict and has been my whole life. Is it awful to feel like I’m the most qualified to care for my husband because of this? I don’t want to know the truth so i pretend all is wonderful and as long as I can keep up the illusion of a great marriage the marrige is well … the marriage is great! But this life takes a toll and I am older and so tired and I’m staring to realize this is going nowhere.. I’m just stuck on repeat.

  193. I am an enabler of an adict. He wants a divorce we have two wonderful children, he OD in front of one. Now he will not talk to me. My heart is thinking what’s in the best interest and welliof our children. He will not seek treatment. Now I feel I have to get the courts involved! It’s just finding the courage to do so.

  194. I need help ASAP my partner is addicted to speed and chooses that over us , my daughter has started to notice how he has changed , I love him but I ended it today can’t cope anymore , he threatens to do such horrible things . He’s downstairs at minute and I’m actually worried what he will do next ! He is not interested in us anymore and just couldn’t care less that we over , I’m scared to leave as this is my home too

  195. My boyfriend has been doing drugs ever since I met him. At first I was choosing to deny it because I didn’t want it to be true. He lies and has stolen money off of me several times and then he apologizes and I believe he has actually changed. He has talked about going to rehab several times and about getting help but that is where the conversation ends. He denies that he has a problem. I have threatened to leave him but I always feel bad about that because he has literally no one else. The drugs and his addictions have pushed everyone else away even his family. I was going to leave him until I found out I was pregnant. I thought he had changed because we were going to have a kid. He seemed like he really had changed and wanted to change. But I recently found out that he has been lying to me again and that he is out doing drugs again and he is using the money we have been saving for our house to fuel his addictions again. I don’t know what to do. His is a problem because I can’t support a child on my own and I know he has no where else to go or no one to turn to but I don’t want to keep enabling him by pretending it’s okay so we don’t fight anymore. He knows how strongly I feel about the issue and he continues to lie and do it even though I’ve done everything to tell him how bad it hurst me. I love him and don’t want to lose him but I’m starting to think that is my only option because I would rather never see him again than have him using and drinking. If he isn’t out using drugs he comes home every night after work and gets super drunk. I can not remember the last night where he hasn’t drank I’ve asked him to not drink for just one night to prove he could actually do it but he always comes up with an excuse why he has to or that he will stop another night.

  196. Emily, Rebecca and Danielle,
    You have to be ready to make a change. You need to start taking care of yourself because worrying about the addict obviously hasn’t helped the situation. All you can do is offer support if the addict chooses to go into recovery and that is it because anything else you do to help them while they continue to use is enabling. It is time to get emotionally healthy, on your own and make changes because you are not happy and if their addiction was okay with you then you wouldn’t be looking for help. The help you need comes from within and with support from others you can make a change.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  197. Amanda,
    If you don’t want to leave and he won’t get sober than all you can do is detach with love and take care of your needs before his. It is not going to be easy but you are not going to leave so that is a choice you have made and you won’t be ready until you are.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  198. I am sort of confused with my whole situation. My husband is a type of addict that gets high every few weeks. I know that it does not justify him using. We have been together since we were in middle school and got married with three kids now. When we married I had no idea he was using Crystal Meth. Through out the years his behavior changed and became unbelievable. He became both physically and emotionally abusive. He was arrested recently when he last hit me and before that he had an affair with another woman. I now believe that I am enabler. I was always there to pick him when he fell. He will not admit to me that he still uses but I knoe he does the signs are all there. I am at the point of just giving up snd taking my children to start a clean and healthy life style.I use to cry and beg for his forgiveness when we would argue and now I just get mad and walk away. He keeps telling me things are getting better but i feel like the cycle is at the beginning again were he is masking his usage and we go in that circle again. I feel guilty at times for wanting to leave but he needs help and I am not helping.

  199. Reading your story, feels very much like my own. I’m not sure when my husband started exactly, bit I know I have been aware of it for almost 13 years. Seems insane to say it out loud. #1 I love my husband and I don’t want to abandon him or lose him. #2 we have 6 children.
    #3 I cannot continue to live like this anymore longer.
    I don’t know what to do. He won’t leave, I have no means or desire to remove me and my children from our home. He refuses help, he can stop on his own. I don’t want to do something that will negatively effect things, like a restraining order. I don’t know how to go about

  200. What do you do when they give you no option? My boyfriend is an addict. His drug of choice is meth. It was really bad for a year and a half. He did jail time the summer of 2017 and something clicked. He got enrolled in school and seemed to be doing well. It has almost been harder now, he professes his love for me and I sit here with no trust. He still continues to drink and smoke marijuana. He just recently started going out more since getting his license back. His friends are all addicts and not trying to be sober. Staying out all hours of the night. Last night my boyfriend took adderrall. He acts just like he does on meth. He refuses to leave and I can’t take it. He says I have to evict him. Is there anyone familiar with MN laws? I don’t have much money. I need emotional support. I turn into a control freak, I don’t like myself. I was so happy go lucky before him. Now I worry the second he steps out of the house. I have been with him since December 2015 and seen him in jail 3 times, 2 of those extended periods of time. He has been in two rehab programs. Spent countless amounts of my money. I need advice. Thank you.

  201. what if you are a sober addict and you have noone else but your husband,the addict, and you know he loves you but you also know he wont get sober. He will die without me and i love him but i need to learn how to get better and love myseld and not be so codependant. i have no where to go and i am not wnating to leave but i am misserable. What do i do?

  202. Debby,
    You don’t have to do it in front of the kids. Make sure that the kids are out of the house, at school or with friends or family and call the police because if you don’t he won’t leave. He needs help and you can’t do it anymore.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  203. I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and gone through this problem with his addiction to meth over and over again. I’m very tired. I have told him to leave multiple times and I just can’t seem to bring myself to calling the police especially in front of my kids. I don’t know what to do because he won’t leave and is completely ignoring what I say.

  204. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 yrs this ya and we have been raising 7 children together.. my 3 daughters from a previous marriage, our 2 boys 12 and 10 and most recently 2 babies we got custody of together! I found out my husband was using cocaine and made him leave our home and refused to let him back unless he got help! He agreed to getting help and started an out patient rehab in early Dec. he wanted to come home and I allowed him to do so on Christmas Day! This only lasted 30 days! He was going to his meetings and his IOP 5 days a week but his anger towards me was getting unbearable and I asked him to leave the home again! He has since said he wants a divorce and that he doesn’t love me anymore! That hurts but honestly I don’t want that relationship ever again and am doing everything I can to work on me and support him in his recovery. He has agreed to take a over the counter drug testing before any visitation with our children and until last week that was working well! 2 weeks ago our youngest son said he dropped them off at their cousins house so he could go to the bar. Our son said when he got back he was too drunk to drive and slept on the couch! When I learned about this I called his IOP counselor to inform her. His next visit he didn’t bring a test claiming he didn’t have any money for one.. I told him he shouldn’t have spent his money in the bar and the boys wouldn’t being going with him unless he found a way to pay for a test and that I was not paying for it for him! Which brings me to yesterday.. he came to pick up the boys and take a test…he FAILED! It was positive for cocaine. He tried to argue the test was wrong and I gladly expressed my willingness to let him retake a test but he had more excuses.. no money and his parent wouldn’t lend him $20 so he asked me again and again I told him I am not paying for it for him! I again called his IOP counselor to inform her and left another message with the info! I learned today he took me off the list for his counselor to legally be able to speak to me and when I asked him about this he said because we aren’t together anymore! I’m doing my best to keep our marriage and his recovery completely separate! I don’t talk about our marriage and am doing a lot of healing and learning with the help of forums like this! I am continuing to support him in his recovery as much as I can with the limited abilities I have. I can call and leave a message to inform them if his actions I just won’t get a call back! Am I making the right decision? Should I walk completely away from him and the situation? At this point I’m not crying over him or losing sleep but I do miss him! I know he has a very long road a head of him and I’m content without being his passenger anymore in his addiction! I welcome advice to empower myself!

  205. My husband is a drug addict and we have kids our relationship is toxic and I hate waking up everyday trying to make it through another miserable day knowing my husband is just going to tell me more lies so I buy into his bullshit and I always do. I hate myself for loving the person he once was but isn’t now and it doesn’t make it any better than 98% of his family is addicts and give it to him and he won’t stay away from those people. I always tell him I’m gonna leave but never do although I want too I’m just scared what should I do?!??

  206. Janine,
    It sounds like you are caught in a cycle of co-addiction and it like being crazy. You are up and down and find strength, then lose it. It is what I call a vicious cycle. You can get off but you have to be the one to change, not HIM. He will or won’t get sober and at this point all you do to control him actually makes it worse for both of you.
    You need to start by figuring out how you can break the cycle, either with an experienced therapist or going to an al-anon meeting, continuing to read the articles here, reading my book, Hope Street, and doing everything and anything to commit to changing the way you deal with the addict. At this point you are addicted to the addict, the drama and the roller coaster of highs and lows. It can become addictive, believe me!!
    Get off the roller coaster and commit to changing yourself. That is the only way out.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  207. Hi im from the uk.. i have been with my partner for 12 years i have 4 children i have been an enabler and i still am i feel so stuck i feel down depressed and really dont know what to do i want to be strong i want to be able to leave my relationship but everytime i kick him out i get so down and feel helpless i really love him but theres nothing i can do to stop him. He was addicted to heroin for years then went to jail twice and everything thing was fine untill hes started to take crack he constantly takes it doesnt eat properly or sleep and drug deals for his habbit he also takes benzos on top wenever he can get them he says i make him do at as i am constantly accusing him wene hes out and making him down he makes me feel so helpless as i love him so much i am just so down i wish i could just stop my crazy head from kocking him oit and then asking him well begging hom to come back is there something wrong with me he says i have biplolar i dont think i do i feel like its never ending. I have read through your story and comments and i can relate to them all i just wish i could be strong.

  208. I want to address all of you personally but there are just too many. I know all of you have your personal stories but I like to pull them all together and make apparent the similarities. In one way or another you are all not happy, scared, living in constant anxiety and fear right? every story has its own twists and turns but the results are usually the same.
    Dee, it looks like you have read my other articles because you have a clear distinction between the PERSON WE LOVE AND THE ADDICT. They are in fact two different people and you cannot take personally every little thing they do to you because it is all part of addiction.
    DRUGS COME FIRST, ALWAYS! if you can understand that then you can understand that they will do or say anything to get it while keeping you at bay.
    However, the part that will not let you go and does not want to lose you, is also the manipulative, self-involved addict and those promises are still not the person you love.
    In fact if you met the person when they were in their addiction then you may not know who that person really is. they don’t even know who they are when the addiction takes over and they lose the ability to make good or healthy decisions.
    I hope you all think about your situations and keep reading here so that you can find a way to help yourselves. You need to worry about you because worrying about and helping the addict just does not work after a certain point.
    for many of you who have commented that this helps you, I am glad because I know, firsthand, what all of you are going through and the feelings you are experiencing. When I give advice it is coming from that place and I am telling you what works not what I have heard works but what I have done and conquered myself.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  209. Sonya,
    Enabling takes many shapes and form. If you are unhappy and you want your husband to change and he doesn’t what message does standing by him regardless of his inability to make a change?
    It sends the message that he can continue to do whatever he wants and you will stand by him and by all means if you won’t leave because of your faith, then that is fine, it is just not going to change
    unless you do something to change your situation. I find that leaving is usually the best route. It frees you from the daily grind of addiction and forces the addict to be on their own and realize that their addiction
    has consequences. It is your life, faith and your decision, obviously, I only advise from my personal and professional experience.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  210. I felt like I am reading about my life. I am nowhere near the 12 years but it’s getting too much for me. I can see that it’s harming me and my son a lot. My husband just disappear for few hours and take drugs which is once in a week or maybe twice in a week maximum. I am so deep down in this thing that I am struggling to make both ends meet and my job only won’t be able to take care of the bills anymore. Did I mention, my husband got recently unemployed, therefore, I am the sole earner of the house. I can’t get the courage to leave him and it’s getting too much for me. Any advice would be appreciated

  211. I know I’m an enabler but I have no Idea how to break away easy. I’m also in denial because I don’t want to believe that it’s happening all over again.

  212. Amen! I bet you’ve witnessed your fair share of miraculous blessings of mercy, as have I. I share in your views and belief in the power of healing through the Lord and you are doing the right thing by sharing the truth, however most of these women are in desperate circumstances spiritually themselves in which they are fully unaware of. I know for my husband and I, it took finding and connecting with an incredible group of people who love God with all their heart’s and believe in making disciples of other’s, which the bible preaches. But, this type of spiritual warfare is not for the common person to try to fight alone. Regardless, you are correct in saying to lay these burdens before God and to surrender yourselves, but these women need much guidance and education on how the spiritual realm works.

    I didn’t want to “preach” on a website where I’d be met with people who don’t know the Lord, not for the sake of persecution, but because I felt it would fall on deaf ears. I won’t deny my God however, and I come in agreement with your prayers for each and every woman on this forum who’s battling addiction, confusion, strongholds, and generational curses. May God guide you all and provide you the faith and strength needed to save your families.

  213. Leigh how about you try it Gods way and then get back to me. Because until you give him full control of the situation you will keep going in the same circle. I’m not saying that if a woman is being abused to tough it out but if anyone is sick of being tired of their husbands leaving, cheating and lying… And your not going to leave him then what could you lose by turning to Jesus? Being married is a covenant we made to God, that we will be there in sickness and health. Yes our husbands have made wrong decisions but if you get ill, would you want him to leave you when you need a miracle?God is real, Jesus Christ is real. His love for us as his daughters is so real. When will you stop fighting it and turn to him. Let him show you what he can do in your life. We should be here uplifting each other instead of raining on other women that need encouragement. My story is not to through in anyone’s face its to show you that God can help and do it all, he just needs you to pray and ask him.

  214. AL – do you have support? You need to find one person to talk to. Iy will help. Also set some boundaries with husband and let him know what they are. My husband clean from drinking & cocaine for 5 months now, but i am fully aware of relapse possibility. Im constantly suspicious and he agrees to random drug testing,

    Praying fot every man. Completely do not relateto any of yourcomments.. If it helps you to ‘believe’ then do it but don’t negate your own accomplishments and strengths to get through your tough times.

  215. Addiction is not a disease! The enemy will try to convince you of that to leave your spouse. The devil is there to kill, lie, and destroy, your marriage, family everything you have. Fully seek the Lord and he will guide you. Stop being blinded and you will find your peace with Jesus. Its amazing! My husband has found the his peace with God and is a completely different person. Our husbands are filled with guilt and shame they don’t know if they just give all that to the Lord they will be healed. HEALED…. The Lord is with you, do not give the enemy the chance to take your whole family. Seek Jesus and stand firm to fight against the evil ones schemes. This is real ladies, look it up. Look around you and you will see more and more how God is watching over you. pray for your family to be healed and protected. Dear Lord heavenly father I pray you give every wife, mother, father, daughter, sister, brother the comfort their hearts need from you. May they be overwhelmed with this prayer to finally cry out to you and let go of their situation in your hands. May you bless their families by putting them in the right places to find someone to show them the way to you and to see you in every situation. I pray for all the men and women that are lost Lord, may they come to you and know that your love is more then just something we say. May they feel Your presence in such a calm and peaceful way that they won’t be able to ignore you any longer. In Jesus precious name I pray, Amen.

  216. Hi all so glad that I found this site. I am married to a husband who is using crack cocaine and has been using for the past 2 years. We have been married for 10 years no kids and I have come to the end of wanting to put up with his addictive behavior. Like many others our finances have been turned upside down he’s lost 3 good jobs back-to-back and I had to stop paying on credit cards and loans just to keep a roof over my head. I am now in the process of having his vehicle voluntarily repossessed because I cannot afford the payments. I have even started divorce papers last week and planning to file them with the next 2 weeks. It really hurts me to my heart that this is what our marriage has become but I refuse to be hurt any further or to be part of his enabling crew. I have lost myself along the way having suffered a bad acne breakout from all the stress which is finally under control. I remember barely having money for Thanksgiving and Christmas and did not receive anything on my recent birthday. I now realize that I love myself enough to walk away and live a good life. I can take care of myself. I have a good paying job and I am a beautiful person inside and out. I am standing strong and taking my life back guys. I am praying for all of you who are going through similar situations just know that you too can walk away. God is able and he will never leave us nor forsake us.

  217. My husband was clean for six months and just left to binge. He is a cocaine binge addict. Does great and then binges. I told him six months ago that if he messed up again I would kick him out so here we are. In struggling with it even though I know its the right thing to do. Its very cold outside and I know he will be on the streets. We don’t have money for rehab program but make too much for it to be free. Any suggestions?

  218. I have been with my husband since I was 16. We had our first child in 1991. When we were 17. To this day after thousands of dollars spent on rehabs. He has never gotten better. He is a daily crack user. He steals money from me. I work. But he does not. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him but I cant live like this anymore.
    Please help

    I know that his drug of choice, crack cocaine will always be his first love, and unfortunately for him will always come first before his children and wife. But it is him who is missing out on the most precious times in life. Our daughter who will be getting married in a few months and our boys who will be graduating from school. I am not going to let him take any of that away from me. I have and always will be here for my children. Unfortunately because of the choices he has made for himself he probably will be in jail by the time graduation time comes for the boys and our daughter might not have her father walk her down the aisle. A once in a lifetime gift you can give your child. But that’s his choice… But really who actually suffers him or them. They do, they might not say it out loud, but you can see it in there eyes. You can read it by their expressions. Pay attention to them, screw him.

  219. I need help!!! Please email me back. I know i need to move on and leave I just don’t know how to make my heart stop. I fell for someone I thought was finally ready to fix his life and he did for a long time. We met in 2013 he went to jail. He got out I got pregnant with our daughter. He changed his life. We got a rent to own home, he started up his own little business in summer of 2015 something changed he wasn’t acting the same. Money was different. Then I found out he was on drugs again. We broke up. A month later I went to pay my rent money but there hasn’t been a payment since the beginning of 2015. He used our rent money and wrote me fake recites. Took the notices off the door and told them my number was disconnected. I owned 4900 dollars if not the eviction was on its way! What!!!! I lost my home and now I have a court ordered eviction on my record. I cried for months I felt like a zombie. But I had to move. I found a nice apartment and I was getting back on track. We stayed separated for about a year and a half and I was finally self happy but I was alone. God never sent anyone in my life. I was at the top of my happiness and no one came for me. Well there was one but to many head games nothing happened sometimes I feel like I made the stuff up in my head. In Oct 2016 his mom calls me and said he got in trouble can he stay with you until everything with court is over. I said sure I couldn’t let him live in empty houses. He got in trouble; it was only suppose to be a minor thing most likely only going to go to jail for a few months. I stayed head strong while he was there sure we had sex and stuff but I wasn’t going to let my heart go there. He got a job and I seen the same change in him like the first time I fell in love. Even my parents was impressed with his changes they actually talked me into giving him a second chance; I finally did in Feb 2017. It was just like before we was building our life’s I thought a few months in jail I can hand that we had forever. We wanted to extend our family. In June 2017 everything fell apart but worse!!!! My apartment complex found out about him kicked me out after they said his crime wasn’t a minor thing it was a felony. After that I moved into a shit box place. Then one day I found him detoxing on my bathroom floor!!!! Turns out the whole time I gave him another chance he was back on drugs. This time I was shocked. He had a job money and everything! He even passed his court ordered drug test. They even let him off early because he was passing all of them! I was so pissed I drove him back to his mom’s and said I was done! You ruined my life and lied long enough. Few days later a pregnancy test was taken and sure enough it said yes! What the hell I was this close to getting him out of my life and now his going to be a father to my second baby. Not even a month later in July he was sentenced to prison for 2years but he might get out sooner could file in 6 months for early release. I thought maybe this baby is our second chance. So I stayed and he was doing really well in prison. Going to drug classes taking GED and a man up class. Told me he was going to marry me after I seen the change in him. Then Dec2017 not even a month we can file for his release he get kicked out of his drug class. And moved to a new prison. And it’s Feb 2018 he was caught smoking pot in the prison bathroom about to get locked down for either 30 or 90 days. Oh he got caught right before the judge read his release as soon as he found out the judge denied the release and now he has to spend the whole 2 years there. And I just had our son at the end of Jan. Said he smoked because he basically gave up on the idea of getting out early and upset cause he missed the birth of our son. I told him time and time again if he screws up this time I am walking away forever. I just didn’t think it would happen while he was still in prison. And finding out he’s in there the whole time. I figured he was going to get out and then screw up I was almost counting on it. I broke up with him but I have no clue what to do. I know my life was happier without him but it’s hard to take that step after turning away. I so desperately wanted us to be a family. I was willing to wait those two years on a huge “what if” bases. You would figure it would be easier to walk away from someone not only in prison, that still does drug, but it’s not and my biggest fear is what if this was it. I mean come on I was alone for a year and a half at the top of my game. I was taking care of my daughter, apartment and bills all on my own. Working on my physical appearance. Even started going to college. had a wonderful job. I felt pretty and amazing. But I felt so lonely and the only person that came into my life or I should say back into my life was the drug addict; that not only fooled me once.. twice.. but three times. They say the love of your life comes after the mistake in your life and when you least expect it. I thought he was the last person to come back into my life and it turned out to be the only one that came into my life. When we are good we are fantastic I’m talking my best friend soul mate type feeling. We are so much alike its like I had a twin. But when he’s on drugs it’s like a completely who the fuck are you person. Now I know the right thing to do is walk away and find me again. face it he’s going anyway for another year and a half but it’s like my mind is screaming at me to just pick up the pieces in my life and move on but it’s like my body is paralyzed and won’t move!!! I don’t know what to do!!! All I have ever wanted in life was a family to call my own and a love like my grandparents. They went threw a lot of shit in their life But stayed as one for over 50 years. I want that!!! It’s like my life is in a circle of problems just keep going around and around. Help!!

  220. My husband has a drug problem sometimes he admits when he goes too far the other times he’ll get nasty and defensive that I’m crazy he’s not on anything I’m married a little over a year it’s my second marriage his choice of drug is herion I have 3 children he has 1 when he uses he’s hyper sweaty we can tell instantly this has been going on 2 years I’m with him 3 he’s had a problem since he was a kid, I’m lost I’ve thrown him out but then I take him back he’s cheated he lies and when he’s on it he’s verbally abusive if you don’t go along with his tone his quick to pick fights then he’ll crash and sleep for hours and hours where sometimes he can’t drive home from work and sleeps on side of road… I love him but this is destroying me my older children don’t live with me they are in college but they don’t like what he’s about he’s a good guy big heart but this drug takes over and that’s all people see his family is no help and think they had enough they’ll come over if he gets really bad but nobody helps me I have my mom to living with us and she’s had enough this is not healthy I walk on eggshells which person I will get that day I don’t know what do to anymore he got high 2nt and won’t admit it my son won’t confront him he’s 20 feels I need to throw him out and stand up for our family

  221. I just need some advice. My husband is the soul provider for our family. We have been married for 4 years, together for 6. We have 2 children and without him I basically have nothing. I don’t have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to really. I have tried to set boundaries. I tell him that more than anything, I refuse to be lied to. I understand he has an addiction and that’s hard to overcome. I am more concerned with how easily he can lie to me and feel no remorse when I get hurt. That’s when it becomes”my problem” because I keep looking for things to have a problem with.
    His response when I confront him about his pill addiction, he responds by saying that he’s a grown man and can do what he wants. But the kids and I are the ones who suffer. He will said it makes him sick and he will spend the rest of the day and the bed…and all night…and all of the next day. He doesn’t think I should be hurt. He “had”to lie to me about where he was going and what he did because he didn’t want me to “freak out over nothing.” Because to him, it’s not a problem.
    I should also mention that our situation is extremely complicated. A month before we got married, we had a house fire in which I lost my two sons. They weren’t his, but he had connected with them and I know that was very painful (not even close to the actual description of our feelings) for both of us. He sank into his addiction further and I started working two jobs 7 days a week. I tried to ignore the problem for a while. I would talk to him about my concerns, but he was always in some kind of pain that caused him to “need” them.
    Now I have several health issues that I’m dealing with of my own. I thought his problem was better. He kept telling me he wasn’t doing any pills and I believed him for a while until I started seeing evidence. Now the trust is completely gone, the pain is unbearable. Not just for me, but also our 4 year old daughter and 1 year old son.i hurt for them because they deserve a better father. Sure, he goes to work and I mostly control the money so he can’t spend that much, but he finds other ways to get money and he can also get them for free from on e of his “friends.”
    The problem is that due to medical reasons, I can’t work. I also can’t qualify for disability yet. I can’t just walk away. I have nowhere to go, no way to get there, no money. Without him I think my kids and I might suffer more. I just wish I knew what to do or how to get help.

  222. My husband is buying pot after being clean of heroin for 1 year. I caught him and he flushed it and said he’ll never do it again. I found pot again after he promised me and its half a pound. He says he got it for free and hes giving it back, which i know is a lie. And than I looked on his phone and found out that he was planning to invite a dealer in our apartment to cook crack. He says hes not doing it now because i caught him. He’s only sorry if i catch him. I don’t trust him. I don’t know what to do. We broke up 1 year ago and he moved with his mom to a different state. 6 months later i moved to be with him but When I got here, he was smoking pot. He said he was a changed man. Hes working now. We got an apartment. He says the stress of money is making him turn to selling drugs. I don’t know what to do. I don’t believe him. We broke up a 100 times, and got back together. I dont have parents to talk to about this or anyone. I been praying to see what to do. I feel if i leave he will stop but i told him if i do i am not coming back. Am i doing something wrong. Am i stupid. I want it to work but i dont know what to do.

  223. I wrote here for advice over a year ago. I was in a toxic cycle of abusive behavior and addiction at the hands of my fiance. Eventually, even though I set boundaries, it exploded into something I could not deal with. He grabbed me by the throat until I could not breathe. I told him to leave and never come back. I had PTSD after this. I felt like I was a spectator in my own life and nothing around me seemed real. My fiance worried that I could report him to the police and he would go to prison. I debated this in my own mind for months. I felt he should pay for what he did but I did not want to ruin his entire life. It was my choice not to report him. It was a choice I made NOT LIGHTLY. We are now separated. He has taken it upon himself to quit drinking, get a job, get a car, and work on himself. Actions speak louder than words. If the addict in your life wants to change, he/she will figure out how. There is nothing you can do to make them. I am still emotionally wounded and cautious with my fiance. I have told him, in no uncertain terms, I can always decide to file charges against him later – in my state we have 3 years statute of limitations. I told him to do what is good and right for himself and maybe someday we can heal together. But we need this time apart now.

  224. This comment is for many of the women who have posted questions about leaving their husband, or have already done so and are unsure whether or not to allow him back into your lives. The very first thing ALL OF YOU need to research and truly understand is addiction. It completely changes the addicts brain and has absolutely nothing to do with love. They will always be an addict, whether or not they are sober now or have been in the past. Addiction is a disease, and unfortunately you cannot love it away.

    An addict will go to absolutely any length to obtain their drug of choice without a glimmer of concern for anyone/thing. It is NOT your fault, nor can you “fix” him. You can support him throughout recovery in a healthy manner, but the addict must truly be committed to sobriety, and that doesn’t mean that he is simply because he said so. Every successful recovery program will advise couples to completely separate during the first few month’s, without even so much as a phone call for up to 60 days. This is because they need to be fully focused on themselves, with no outside distraction, or familiarity which may trigger their brain to use.

    I highly advise each of you who are contemplating on leaving your spouse to do so. This doesn’t have to be permanent, and you can support them in positive ways, however a change MUST occur on your side if you truly want to help him. He will not just stop. He will find better ways to hide his addiction and continue using and lying. That is a very sad, but true reality for every addict. Their brain has been wired to crave the drug, and there is nothing you can physically do to change that. They must get professional help and you must create solid boundaries which you will keep, no matter how much they began or promise.

    Always remember that the person you love is not the person talking to you in regards to their addiction, so don’t take their comments or behavior personally. Distance yourself and definitely your children, set clear boundaries, obtain counseling for yourself, and only support healthy behavior. Do not accept anything they say at face value, regardless of who they used to be, because they are still an addict and require lifelong treatment. I wish you all the best. God bless!

  225. I have been very certain for several months that my husband has been using meth. I have asked him and showed him questionable evidence for my asking and every time he denied it and got very defensive. I have been an emotional wreck and at a loss for what to do. It was just 2 days ago that I had undeniable proof in my hand and confronted him with it. I told him that I understand it’s not easy to just stop cold turkey and that I I’m trying to be patient and compassionate. I cannot get on the Merry-Go-Round of waiting and believing that he will quit for me and our kids. I need advice on what to do. I am ready to get myself back and stop caring about whether he gets clean or not. Please help. Any advice?

  226. You gave me the exact thing I needed to hear and that I’ve been needing to do and this gives me a lot to change within myself. To be more confident and get back to who I am inside.

  227. I have finally told my husband to leave. We have been together for twelve years. He is an alcoholic, uses marijuana and is on narcotic prescription drugs. He drive with my kids under the influence and I kicked him out. I told him he needs to get help. I also told him I have n answer for him as to when he can move back in. This is the question he keeps asking. I am thinking I should file paperwork to show that he endangered our children. My 11 and 16 year knew he was slurring his words. My 16 year old actually drove instead of my husband driving because he could tell he was under the influence. I am not allowing my husband to be in the house, drive the kids or be alone with them until he has several months of sobriety. I am not sure if I should make this legal. I am afraid in the next couple of days he’s going to start getting nasty and try to come home.

  228. Hi Amanda! I can relate with your story so much. I have been married to a drug addict for 12 years. We have three beautiful children. The years of lies, financial destruction, and just not being there for me and our children has taken its toll. Like some of the other posters, I too am a Christian. I have tried and cried and prayed and stayed until one day I just couldn’t anymore. I finally made my husband leave our home. It has been over a month now that we have been separated. This has definitely been an eye opener to him. He is currently clean and doing group work and meetings, while living with a friend and seeking employment. He has been extremely remorseful, telling me how much he loves me and wants to change and be the husband and father we have always wanted. I am just a little confused as how to proceed. I am terrified to let him come back, just to end up back in the cycle again. Yet I also feel hesitant about a full immediate divorce, due to my faith, our kids, and his willingness to seek help. I think the only thing to do is wait….Not let him back any time soon, and just see what he is capable of. But this place of limbo is very confusing. I know it is for me, but it’s also very confusing to my children and to him too. Not knowing what the future will or should bring is a scary place. I am definitely open to advice! Thank you so much for what you are doing, and taking the time to help others through the benefit of your experience.

  229. I been married 8 years and my husband may have been drug free 1 year in total. He’s been to countless detox,and 14 days a 1 month treatments on and off of suboxin, cant kee a job and im tired . He wont commit to a longer treatment to treat his whole self and I don’t have no more to give

  230. Im still numb from yesterday— the day my 2 adult boys , my daughter in law ,myself and my drug addicted husbands parents decided to attempt an intervention. we all showed up at my house unannounced to confront and show him proof that we know what hes beenndoing for years that had affected his 2 grown boys and is now starting to affect our 10 and 12 year old still at home w us . He blamed me said i got everyone believing its a drug problem that causes his outbursts and breaking things but its having to live w me ..and a fee chooce vulger words…. its me now that will need the help now nit him . My 2 older boys begged cried for their dad to admit and get help because they love him … he admitted to using “sometimes” but insists has it under control and can stop if needed. Hes 50 years old .. cocaine, and meth is choice . up f 3 or 4 days straight and my 12 year old daughter confused as to why dad doesn’t function like us mom ? whats wrong w him ? hes forgetful about everything and swears never said or i told him that . His parents did get him to pack up clothes to stay w them so they can try to help him , whatever he agrees to that is . Now that hes out i feel so bad for my kids , im the bad mom now .. their dad works 24 days away so when he did come home for 14 they would get so excited— they adore their dad. please help me

  231. My boyfriend of more than 3 years woke me up in the middle of the night a week ago to tell me that he’s been doing cocaine and lying to me about it for 3 years and that’s it’s starting to get worse and scare him and he needs help. He has had problems with addiction since he was a teenager. He first started using cocaine about 7 years ago and it destroyed his relationship at the time and his chance at getting to raise his then baby girl. He stopped but then he relapsed over and over. When I met him he told me none of that at first but when I found out I told him that I would not start a relationship with someone abusing drugs and he said he would quit, which he did, or so I thought. He relapsed a couple times in the first year but would come home and tell me and we would talk for hours with many tears and holding involved. Life moved on and we had a beautiful daughter who is now 1 year old. And now here he is coming to me telling me that he has continued to do it on and off our whole relationship and has lied to my face without even a flinch, because as he tells me, he is an excellent lier thanks to both his childhood and his training while in the navy. I want to help him, I don’t want to enable him. I love him and he is a great father to our daughter and to his three other daughters that we get every other weekend. He battles with terrible depression and all of his friends do one drug or another and he refuses to sever those ties because he says his friends have always been the ones who have his back since he was never able to rely on his family. He says he wants help bit at the same time he pushes me away. He admits to his problem and says he’s trying but he says it’s so easy for him to get and he gets so bored so easily and that’s when he starts to think about it and then the thought doesn’t leave him. I walk on pins and needles at home because of his anger and outbursts. I don’t want this life for our daughter or for myself but I know that he is and can be a great man if he can find a way to control this. I’ve told him that’s he’s not alone and that I’m here but that if he doesn’t take steps to get better that I won’t be…that he has to try. I’m in the process of getting him health insurance so he can see a doctor and get on antidepressants and to see a therapist or counselor. I’m trying but during the whole process I feel sick to my stomach, the trust is gone, I worry when ever he’s not home, when ever he goes to the bathroom or to the basement. I worry constantly about everything where I feel myself sinking into depression. I just don’t know what more I can do. I need hope that this can get better.

  232. My ex-husband is a alcoholic and a crack addict, I made the mistake of letting him stay here because it was cold and he is in poor health…he doesn’t pay any money even though I asked him to pay 400. A month, he eats my food and refuses to pay any money, he works but all his money goes for crack and beer and cigerates…recently I have come home from work and he has his crack buddies here… He has treated me saying he will take a sludge hammer to everything I own if I kick him out. Everything I have read says I have to get an eviction notice which cost money that I can’t afford.. what can I do he won’t leave and I’m really a nice person who can’t put someone out in the cold.. it’s getting bad my nephew came to visit for a couple of days it was hell cause my ex acted terrible yelling and my nephew was so upset he cut his visit short which embarrassed me so bad…when he gets drunk which is every day he is calling me terrible names and treating me…I can’t deal with this anymore…I should have never let him in we have been divorced since 2006.can someone please give me advice…

  233. I am new to this game. I have been with my husband for 15 years, and just a week ago had my suspicions and found his stash of meth. I couldn’t believe my eyes! We are both drinkers and I knew when I met him that he dabbled in drugs in his younger days. I to dabbled with pot before I had children. He has off and on smoked pot, but quit entirely when he obtained his current job. It is a good job and he makes great money. In the last few months he started smoking pot again, just a little here and there and I allowed it as it was not a daily occurrence. Recent changes in behavior made my instincts flair and I decided to start searching for what he could possibly be hiding from me. That is when I found the meth. At first honestly I didn’t even know what it was, I actually had to do my research. I finally got the nerve to show him what I had discovered and he claimed he does not have a problem and it was just something he had tried a couple of times. I flushed it and told him to get rid of anything related. He seamed honest and sincere and we agreed we would work through this. The next day he had stated that the supply he had was not just his he was holding for a friend and needed to replace that friends portion. The next day he had stated that he had done so. Because I don’t trust that, I once again went searching and found a new supply in a different hiding place. I rigged the hiding place to see how long the supply has been touched and it has been each day. I am now at a place that I don’t know what to do. I just ordered your book and am hoping it will help. We have one daughter (his biol daughter whom I adopted and have raised since she was one) left at home. She will graduate next year. Do I stick this out until she is out of school instead of up rooting her and moving on? I have a lot to think about. This article has really helped and I hope to fix me instead of worrying so much about him.

  234. You’re article describes me and how I feel to a T . Thank you it makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone and I can do something to change myself.

  235. It’s interesting to hear your take on enabling an addict of a love one. What if a person is doing al he or she can in empowering oneself and their addict continues down that path of self destruction? Not every mate, family member or friend to an addict is an enabler. When my husband is high or binging and then experience his psychosis withdrawals, I leave the room to sleep in another part of the house. According to the Holy Scriptures, if I feel unsafe, I have grounds to separate but meanwhile I have to continue walking in my faith and truth. He is accountable for himself. And if i ever feel unsafe, I will leave, hopefully he will see the need to seek professional help. I’m active with my spiritual family, which he’s always included, go to the gym weekly, and maintain a healthy outlook of focusing on daily and weekly goals to accomplish. Thus far I’m feeling great, but my addict is still stuck. I don’t have a fear of being alone. I’ve addressed my issues in therapy years ago, whatever they could have been, so I’m clear on what i deserve and should have out of this life.

    So what else is your next suggestion if enabling isn’t the underlying issue of person dealing with a love one who’s an addict?

  236. I have lived with a addict for over 25years. He took heroin for about 20 years and is clean of heroine for nearly five years but is on methadone but he has took crack cocain for 25 years now he takes it occasionally when he has excess money this still effects me and our 3 grown up daughters we tell him it has a negative effect in our lives emotionally but he just says sorry and he will try again. Iv told him I’m going to live him but never do wer would wego we all live together and have no extra finances to move .

  237. I am just like the person who wrote the article. I do want to stop enabling my husband. He is not going to change, and nothing I do will help, only continue to enable, unless I do something. I want to thank you for writing this article, because it really woke me up as far as what I was doing. I have to work through the fears of what will happen if I stop, such as my husband being on the street with no home to go to, etc. I am asked to fund drug sprees, and I am tired of it, and become afraid. Thanks again for writing the article. i am hoping I can find someone to help me to be accountable, someone who has been through all of this. Thanks again, Evelyn

  238. Thank you for the last few posts and sharing your stories. I am inspired every time I hear that someone has mustered up the courage to leave and respect themselves by putting their life first for a change over an addict’s addiction. Thank you.
    For me personally leaving was the absolute best thing I ever did.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  239. 10 years together, 6 years married, 3 beautiful children (12yo, 4yo, 9 month old baby). Struggled for 10 years on and off until the good times no longer stood out. The bad cycles became closer and closer together. Every morning, holiday, weekend, vacation I spent alone with 3 children bc he was too dope sick to be with us. My story is the same as yours… his lies, manipulation, money draining, stealing, mood swings, viotile emotional abuse and behavior. Finally, my last straw, he did not get up for Christmas morning. He missed his kids do presents. I hosted a beautiful dinner for his whole family and he never left the bedroom. He was in there crying and sweating with fever and sickness like every other recent weekend and special event when he was away from that sick city he’d go to everyday to get drugs.
    My husband was stolen from me by drugs. Started with legit prescription to pain pills for work injury and spiraled out of control.
    We went through counseling, meetings, doctors, therapy and everything.
    I finally realized I was enabling him to not have to participate in real life. I made excuses for him, denied my gut instincts, it took 3 weeks after he failed a drug test for him to admit he had a problem. He’s living at family members, begging to be a better man, and showing up everyday to be the best dad and “husband”.
    A natural planner by nature, I am just taking one day at a time, new for me. But I’ve been so lonely these past years with him right in our house, I would rather be alone and happy than be married to an addict and feel lonely. My focus is the kids and myself for once.
    I actually think I am not only saving myself, I am saving him. This has forced him to acknowledge the problem and seek serious health. I have nothing but hope for him, and still love the man he was and is under the addiction, but I will not go back into that marriage.

  240. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, married for almost 4. I knew he was an addict in recovery when we met and I instantly fell in love with his spirit and love of life. He made me feel special and he was always so affectionate towards me. He made me feel loved. Then he relapsed. Then he started lying to me. Then he started stealing from me. He finally admitted that he had been using meth on/off for almost 3 years. His previous DOC was cocaine. He went to treatment, this wasn’t his first time, but first time since we were together. He started telling me he wanted to change, that this time was different and he knew the tools that could help him stay clean. At almost 60 days clean, he relapsed again. I was devastated but still allowed him to come home, still supported him. He continued to relapse and not come home like his previous patterns. More lying and stealing. I had reached my limit. I changed the locks and told him he couldn’t come home. I didn’t answer his calls to let him in the house, made him stay away for over a week. He says he hasn’t gotten over that.

    I feel terrible for the things I have done in reaction and response to his addiction. I know the principles of Al-non and CoDa but yet I still can’t lovingly detach and know when to show empathy.

    I finally said it was over and that I couldn’t do this anymore. He made plans to leave, to go across the country to a sober living environment. That he would let me go and heal. I am having so many second thoughts. I don’t want this marriage to end. But I just don’t know how to rebuild trust, how to rebuild such a broken relationship. Should I just let him go and move on?

  241. I have been living with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I know he does coke. And three times since we’ve been together he stayed on all night came home and told me he got into crack. He said he was going to get help but of course never has. I find myself never trusting him constantly watching his every move. He’s always stuffed up and blowing his nose. Found Hollow pens with white powder in it and little baggies with white residue hidden in the car and his coat pockets. He tells me he’s not a big drug addict I seem to think he is. And that I have problems with trust. 2 years we’ve been together he’s never once showed me his paycheck he gives me money towards the bills but I have no idea how much money he’s keeping or how much you spending. But he always seems to be broke. In my head I know I need to end this. But my heart won’t let me do it

  242. I left mine divorced last year and as I look back I thank my past self for leaving because I knew he wasn’t going to change. And I wasn’t going to continue to enable him. I moved into an apartment and now I’ve bought myself a house and also proved to myself that I don’t need a man or him for that matter to be happy. Yes I loved him and still think about him but I’ve moved on and I am out of that toxic unhealthy relationship. Just like they have to want to change so do you. Stop making excuses for them.

  243. I want to address all of your separate situations but I will try to answer or at lease advise each of you through some blanket advice that will hold true for all of you. Does your relationship feel good and free and loving or are do you feel ashamed, guilty and have to hide what really goes on to others? An addict will lie all of the time, straight to your face and promise you anything you want to hear. they can’t help but lying because they don’t want to stop using and they don’t want you to go and the drugs change their ability to be like you and me. If you even feel like you are being lied to or that something is not right LISTEN TO THAT FEELING! They will do anything to convince you that you are overreacting or crazy but the truth is, you are under-reacting. If this relationship is something you are questioning, then maybe you need to take a step back and think long and hard about if you want it to continue. The only way to make a real change is to make it yourself and stop depending on them to change because more than likely they won’t. That is not to be negative and say that no one can change but I can tell you this; if you have to urge them, force them, it probably won’t stick for very long.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  244. Hello, like your blog says, I am in crisis and im seeking out help right now. I love my husband more than anything. 15 years ago he was in a horrific car accident which left him in constant pain and on a life long path of pain meds. When we first started dating he was prescribed methadone for his pain and i thought it was absurd. once we got married he switched to Percocet and started taking the entire bottle within a week. since we were married in 2013 it has been the same thing every month. we have tried everything from hiding the pills and locking them up but he somehow finds them or breaks in and takes them all. my marriage consists of 1 week of having pills and having a happy husband and 3 weeks of him sitting on the couch in pain and calling sick to work. I dont know what to do. everything else in our life is great, its just these stupid pills! and the pain that will never go away! i feel like every doctor just wants to give him more pills and there is no where for either of to get the help we need. its so frustrating 🙁

  245. Hi. This whole article is about me and my husband. He is an addict, suffers from depression and anxiety. Is on meds but not working as they should. Family doctor no help as husband doesn’t tell him everything. Was seeing physiciatrist but stopped because quack lost his licence. Great doctor eh, and he is the one that got us all into this mess. I will get your book now I know about it. I need help.

  246. I have been dealing with this for 7yrs now and have heard all the excuses, apologies, tears begging etc that one can hear and I keep giving him another chance and he promises to go to rehab, meetings etc says he hates himself. I don’t know if I am staying for him,myself,or the kids. I do know that my feelings have changed towards him I love him yes but my heart is cold. I have know him since we were 8yrs old and we’re always best friends which makes it hard. I have got self help books, addiction books, books about understanding your loved ones addiction but I don’t understand myself. I have no support system so I am lost and I have never reached out like this but this past event has opened my eyes. I do not want to leave him but fear that’s the only choice.

  247. This whole article is me. Is it wrong for me to not want to leave him? Like the article says I love him but hate him at the same time. He is addicted to grass, suffers from depression and anxiety. He is on meds but they are not doing what they are suppose to do. He doesn’t tell everything to family doc as he thinks he is getting better. Ha. So far from the truth. He was seeing a phyciatrist but stopped as the quack lost his licence. I’m going to get your book to see if it helps.

  248. Dear Amanda, my boyfriend is addicted to opiates. He keeps telling me he’ll stop after Christmas or after New Year’s, he took a sleeping pill tonight to sleep. I think it’s feeding his addiction, I keep telling him not to and it’ll ruin what we have. He says he loves me but he just needs to sleep.
    What should I do?

  249. I’m seeing a guy its a new relationship not been seeing him long he wants me to help him get clean and has asked for me to support him. I know nothing of crack and heroin addiction so I am feeling a bit like I’m useless and can’t help him and its hurting me because he has took valuable things from me and my daughter and I don’t know what to do

  250. my husband is taking heroin daily from an year, always fighting with me what should i do so that he will stop using it i want to make his life safe plz show me the way

    1. Hi Ria. I’m really sorry to hear the struggles you and your husband are going through. I suggest you take a look at this article for ideas.
      How to help your husband with drug addiction =

      Additionally, you can always join Nar-Anon. These support groups help family and friends of addicts recover from the effects of living with an addicted relative or friend.

      Other helpful resources: American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT)
      Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator for seeking treatment facilities in the United States

  251. Hi a very good Blog,quiet informative. My problem is my addict husband,whombo divorced and remarried is a high functioning addict. People do not believe its him they thinks its me. I am seperated now and filing for another divorce he is sexually,verbally,violent and emotional abusive. Crack-cocaine n alchol his drug of choice i am a minister of God. Forgave n forgiven enough is enough. They are perfect liars!

  252. Lorelei,
    What a terrifying realization that must have been. It is even more disappointing when husband lets down your children even more so than yourself. Create some rule boundary now regarding his drug use. And make SURE you follow through with it otherwise he will continue to abuse your support and trust if he sees you don’t follow through. So make sure it is something you WILL do if he uses again. You can order drug tests online. Good luck.

  253. I just found out that my husband is shooting up cocaine while I’m at work and he’s responsible for our two month old baby. He had an allergic reaction to something in the drug and lied to me, saying it was something he ate. I discovered the truth when I went through his phone. What do I do? Take the child and leave? I’m so angry that he would put our baby son in danger. Please help, any advice would be great.

  254. I have been with my husband for about 18 years, there has always been a substance issue. First it was alcohol, but that was “my fault” because I worked so much. Then after multiple domestic violence situations he stopped drinking. Now this past summer I found out he was using heroin. I have been believing all his stupid stories of tapering off and weaning, I feel ashamed writing this but we are always broke because I give him money so he won’t be sick, I make excuses to our kids 12 and 14 about why he is the way he is, I don’t want to leave because I pay the rent here and he doesn’t even have a job but I’m afraid to ask him to leave, sometimes I find myself daydreaming that he passes away because it seems that is the only way out of this

  255. Hopeful,
    You are not yet married and don’t have kids with him yet so think very carefully about your next steps. One thing i can garantee you is you will be lied to – no matter how open honest you tjink he is being. Tjis situation is probably alot worse than you already know. Cocaine addiction is a serious problem and it will rip your life apart – i know from my husbands experience. It does something to their brains that makes them ruthless liars and manipulative. Willing to do anything to keep using in secrecy. Its revolting.
    Good luck

  256. For almost 6 years I have been on a rollercoaster with a bipolar addict. He will sober up for brief periods and then go on a binge of drugs or alcohol when stress hits or a mood change.Just when I think we are making strides…he makes the selfish decision to use again. It’s killing me inside. I have never been the number one priority. Everyone and everything else has. I pray every day for him. He just falls deeper into a depression. We were married, but not anymore. We live in separate homes. I have continued to stand by because I love him and do feel badly for him, but right now I am feeling badly for myself. It’s a very lonely life with him since his addiction is back in full force. Please advise me. I don’t want sugar coating…just honesty. Thank you and God Bless.

  257. Hi Amanda, I hope you can offer some advice as I don’t really know what to do.
    My fiancé and I are due to get married next year. We’ve been together 2 years. I knew he used to do cocaine when we got together but he told me he stopped and he didn’t need it anymore and I believed him. I never knew what to expect from someone who did cocaine as I’ve never been in a situation like this before. So like I said I believed him. He had a blip around xmas our first year together and he told me, and because he told me I thought that was it and it would be the last time. I told him and made it clear I was against it and couldn’t stand the stuff and he knew this. I told him if he ever done it again I would leave it.
    So anyway time went on, and all of a sudden I noticed a change in him and he admitted to me he started using again and smoking marijuana too once he had been caught out by me. I’m adamant I want to leave him but I love him. And he has told me he will change for me because I’m his life, he has started searching for counciling and therapy sessions because he doesn’t want to do it anymore. Do I believe him? How can I help him? I won’t stand for it. I’m 100% not an enabler, But I want to stand by him and help him because he’s never had anyone to support him. What can I do? I don’t want to risk getting married and him being addicted a few years down the line.
    Please offer advise even if you think I don’t want to hear it.
    It is 100% Much appreciated.

  258. Hello,

    I realize that I have made a very poor choice of jumping into a relationship too soon. My boyfriend seemed like the nicest guy. He is hard working and does his best to support his family. He is an alcoholic. I even caught him with crack once. He promised me he’d never do it again but I realize that most likely its a lie. In fact yesterday I talked to him about it and he said its ok to do crack once in awhile. Now I am seeing signs of him becoming too comfortable in our relationship in a negative way. He will tell me to shut up and I justify it by telling myself that it doesnt happen all the time or everyday so its ok. When I try and tell him the truth he tries to shut me up by yelling at me to SHUT UP! He demanded me to shut the fucking lights off this weekend. He over spends the money because he doesnt have self control. I am a stay at home mom and we have one child together and she is 5 months old, I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he has two children from a previous reIationship. So I depend on him with the finances. I was suppose to finally work a job this week and because of his poor money handeling I didnt have enough gas money to go to my job training. I have tried to justify his negative behaivor with his sickness with alcohol addiction. I have tried to be positive and ignore his drinking problem. But now I feel like he doesnt care about my feelings or insecurities that his drinking and drug use gives me. I also have PTSD from having a very toxic childhood from my parents drug and alcohol use. I even lost my mother to drug overdose. I have told my boyfriend multiple times about how I feel. In the beginning he’d promise to stop and now he says there is nothing wrong with him. I have no family that live in the same state as me. But I have my best friend and she has begged me to leave this relationship. I am in denial of being in an emotionally abusive relationship even though he has domestic violence record and his ex girlfriend took it upon herself to call me to tell me he would hit her. My boyfriend has not hit me or threatened me. I dont feel afraid of him but I feel emotionally drained. Yesterday I felt confident about leaving this relationship. I called family shelters and even set up a time to speak with somebody at a domestic violence place about resources and planning. But the moment my boyfriend came home I felt guilty and crazy. What if I am overreacting? How will my school aged kid feel about leaving her school. My biggest fear is the regret I will feel when I leave and I start to miss him. Or how sad and depressed I will feel when he moves on to another relationship. I just dont want to feel empty and lonely and depressed. But I also want to feel free. I want to raise my kids differently. I want control over my finances and life. I keep tricking myself into believing that I am the bad guy and I am overreacting. How can I keep myself in check during this moment of trying to move on?

  259. I’m not really sure what to say.. I just know that I need help. Im am 100% sure that I am enabeling my husband. He is such a good person and is hurting so bad that I feel like I’m abandoning him when I vowed for better or worse. But I’m going on 8 years of marriage and 7 years of knowing my husband has a problem. We have 3 kids and they are 8,6 and 3 and are starting to really resent me for my flip outs. I can’t bare to tell them What is really going on. I do feel I know what I have to do but leaving s ema like it would be so much more painful than just trying to sweep it under the rug. In the meantime this hasn’t worked for me… my husband and I have become very distant and I feel extremely lonely in my marriage. Like I said… I’m not sure what I’m writing… I just figured if I actually reach out to someone… it’s a baby step in the direction of what I need to do.

  260. I don’t wanna enable my partner. I don’t wanT to keep let ting him leave me for months at a time and sleep with women and do drugs drink ignore our kids. But I don’t wanna move on either I don’t wanna see a life without him. I don’t know how to live with that. I feel like if I get over him I lose my family and if I stay and keep letting him come back when he says he wants to get better I lose my happiness too. So either way I don’t get to be happy

  261. I have had depression since I was 12, and severe anxiety for over 10 years. I have been on Prozac for 16 years (recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder), and have been on anxiety medication for 10. Since I’ve been married to my husband, he steals my anxiety mediation every month. Leaving me with barely any to get through my next doctors visit, which I have to pay $300 for. Everytime I ask him, he lies straight to my face. Stone cold lies. Of course, I know when he takes them because he turns into a completely different person. He will lie until I have to break him. It could be hours, days or months. This man is wonderful. I really do love him. He is an exceptional father, and does everything for us. I just can’t take the stealing and the lying. He says he will change everytime. I’ve threatened to leave. I don’t know what to do anymore. Someone help…

  262. Renee,
    My husband is also a cocaine addict ( currently recovering). He has told me having the cocaine drug tests has been a deterent. I test him periodically and i do it knowing ge will be negative but seems to satusfy some accomplishment forr. Told him he has to leave if he tests positive. Just a suggestion. They lie lie lie. Itssooo hard. At least a drug trst has some truth. They are expensive however.

  263. My husband is on cocaine he does it with his brother’s I don’t think he will ever stop as long as he stays around his family. I’m at the end of my ropes ready to get a divorce. We have been married going on 9yrs next Month I don’t think we are going to make it. He is starting to discuss me

  264. Michelle, Sara, Kim, Christina, Leigh, Jackie, Yolanda, Jill, Mel, Gayla, Maria, Dee, Carla, Tiffany & Mel,
    I want to answer you all individually but I think that I can address all of you to some degree together. You are asking questions about what more you can do to help and change your significant other/situation. I know that Dee has a very dissimilar situation where she is not physically capable of taking care of herself but for everyone else, do something different. Whatever it is you are doing, feeling, putting out there, taking inside, holding on to, is NOT working for you and not helping your situation right? So the only thing I can say is that you have to change the only thing you can; your behavior, your thought process, your outlook, etc. Positive thoughts, meditation, counseling, support groups, prayer, positive affirmations, and anything else you can do to further your own healing and situation regardless of what the addict is doing, is really all you can do.
    Dee, you may not be able to physically leave, but you can work on your own perspective on the situation. You can try using some natural therapies that might not only help your mental but also your physical conditions. You should try meditation and there are some amazing natural herbs that can research. is a great start to help you realize there are alternatives to pain pills. The key is to look to the positive and power through adversity because if you give up; you give up on life. I recently experienced a very serious issue that was life threatening and I refused to give up or give in and I researched and tried every single thing I could find and it took a long time but now I know that I can conquer anything with the power of my thoughts, my mind, with natural and western therapies. It was a collaborative recovery but anything is possible and the minute you tell yourself you can’t, then you can’t.
    Please, to all of you, do not give up on yourself. You are strong and being with an addict is proof of that so do whatever you need to do for YOU right now to create a better life for yourself.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  265. 7 long years of marriage to a husband who had a coc problem in the beginning…I helped him stop…atleast I thought I did…I didn’t know anything about drugs so I didn’t realize how serious the problem was…after 2 years of being clean he became addicted to prescription pills…after helping him stop that I was visiting my parents out of state I come back to find him hooked on heroin…after helping him stop that and thinking we were finally making positive moves and moving forward he become hooked on crack…it’s been 6 months since I kicked him out…he left
    Me with nothing no car
    No home no money …thank god I have a wonderful family who have taken me and my 3 kids in…I just got a job and I’m doing what I have to do and it feels soooooo damn good to know I have taken positive steps forward when all he has done is bring me down and make me fall back…to all you out there who know what I have been through just remember your here on earth for a reason and it’s not because of a person who has a problem and wants to blame you…none of it is your fault …it never was

  266. I am so hurt. I have been with my fiance for 6 years. He and I are both prescribed xanax. We are very different taking them. He has taken up to 30 at one time.. He has broken up with me for the 7th time because he wants me to give him mine and also says if i dont I am being selfish. He says if I go off of them then he will. I have decided to do so .but he wants me to help him by giving him what he was prescribed.. But he would act mad or start arguments to say he needed more. This cant be love. He says im selfish for not helping him and its not love if i dont help him. His family blames me for him being on them because I should love him enough to let them go and yet he chose to leave me because I wouldn’t give him what he wanted. I think if I go off them ..would he really? I have borderline personality disorder and suffer from depression and anxiety and see a psychiatric. He is prescribed xanax with suboxone.. How CAN a doctor do that legally? Do I let him go after 6 years and I get told he left me for being selfish and ignorant..he has been incarcerated over and over the whole 6 years and i left once and then went back. I have lost me and feel so insecure and very hurt. He cant REALLY love me.

  267. Amanda, though it seems unbelievable, I was in a 35 year relationship/marriage and was basically clueless about my husband’s drug use. My husband was always irresponsible with money and employment. I just thought him lazy. His time was difficult to track because he was a truck driver, but there were many hours where he disappeared to spend time with friends…against my wishes. Two years ago, after 30 years of marriage, I divorced him due to his irresponsibility and neglect to his family. Nine months after my divorce, which he fought to every pitiful end, acquaintances came forward to reveal that my ex had been using marijuana and possibly meth most of my marriage. I was floored. Since the divorce, he has spiraled to the point of living out of his car and being penniless. He constantly puts a guilt-trip on me and begs for support. I have given financial support and accommodations over the last two years while divorced from this man. I recently cut all financial support, but I let him use my shower and eat my food. I just want it to all stop. I feel mentally unwell and can’t move into a healthy relationship with another man, and I really want that. I am 53 years old and I feel as if time is running short to find happiness. How do I let go of a man I loved who can’t seem to take care of himself? He is the father of my children. I can’t seem to find any peace. Currently, I am considering moving away from my home town, my family, and even my young adult children in order to get distance from my ex. I do not want to move if any other option is available, but he won’t go away. My heart is broken, but mostly my mental health is wearing me down.

  268. Hello Amanda, this is my second time posting. I posted last when you were going through the tragic surgeries with your daughter, and for that, I pray she is doing well now. I recently got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after being completely disabled for almost 3 years. I also have Degenerative Disk Disease, and am literally crippled in pain 24 hours a day. I have no family AT ALL other than my husband (the addict). My issue is much more complicated because I’m severely ill and can’t physically care for myself. I’m unable to drive, work, don’t yet have disability benefits, and have absolutely no support system other than him. Although we recently had a very serious conversation, and he promised me that he would try to change, admitted that he was ashamed of stealing and asking me for my medication, I’ve learned that he is still lying to me about it. He doesn’t steal my medication any longer, only because I keep my bottle literally inside my bra at all times, but he will ask me daily to give him some. If I don’t, he acts like a brat, threatens not to “be there for me” and says not to ask him for anything when I need it, which I know is just a manipulation tactic. I’ve recently found the strength to just say “no” and not give in. But because of his addiction, he rarely works. He’s in and out of jobs, will pay the bills for a few month’s, then just lay in bed for 2 weeks, force me to sell enough of my medication to pay our rent or we would be kicked out obviously, then throws it in my face that he’s been paying it for so many month’s. I thought a husband was supposed to care for his family, and take on whatever burden necessary if his wife physically can’t. My problem is that I physically can’t just “build my confidence and leave”. It’s much bigger than that. If I could work and were healthy, this would have stopped a long time ago. I’ve never been the type of person to deal with a man treating me less than my worth, and have had absolutely no trouble leaving and pulling my life together in the past, with three young children. I physically can’t do anything about my circumstances as far as resources or moving in with someone. My husband has to drive me to all my doctor appointments, carry me from the car to the bed, cook and clean after me, and is my caregiver. How do I get him the help he needs because that is the only way to resolve this. I wish Imy only problem was him being an addict, because I’d just find a place to stay and leave. How do you leave when you’re completely bedridden and have no family or friends to turn to for emotional or financial support?

  269. The father of my 2 kids has always had a problem with alcohol and also used marijuana. I used to drink with him as well but never felt the weed and alcohol to be a problem. It wasn’t until he wanted to go drink with friends frequently while leaving me behind with our first daughter that we started having problems. He pushed me a couple of times but never punched or hit me. He would still leave to drink. After many years of heavy arguing he finally stopped going with his friends to drink as much. We agreed on once a week and as long as he was home by 11pm. He did very well until we had our son. He started using spice for about a month but it was so bad, he acted like a zombie and would ask people for money. He even tried selling his gaming devices but I stopped him. I took him to a hospital where he got anxiety meds to stop the withdrawals. He promised me he would not touch spice anymore but continued to drink heavily anytime he had days off , he would drink until he passed out and blacked out. He maybe drinks twice a week but can go weeks withou drinking when working. He works 10 hrs away and he is now gone 1-2 months at a time because we were saving for a down payment for a home and other items for the house. He wanted a break but his boss told him no so he got anxiety and started using spice . It’s been 10 days since I notIced the symptoms of him spacing out on the phone and not knowing what day it is. He stopped watching football and playing his online games because he is too high on spice I’m sure of that. Don’t know what to do since I’m a 10 hr drive and also work and take care of the kids. I’m trying not To call him anymore because it feels like I no longe exist to him when I do call him. I’m not sure there’s anything I can do, I spend my days in bed just sad and not wanting to do anything at all. Any suggestions ?

  270. I left my addict crack cocaine..he still tries to contact me and etc. He showed up at my house Saturday evening and he was drunk and pupils dilated. I ask him to leave and he would not, so I called cops. I found out he stole a car from dealership he was working at and sold his cell phone and went on a drug binge. There is two felony warrant charges for him and stolen car. He is on the run and living on the streets..he is calling me from different places and blaming me. He says I set him up Saturday night. That he just wanted to stay at my house to sober up but I am too selfish to do this. He said it is my fault he stole car and went on a binge. So the least I can do is help him out. He said it’s cold outside..he has no home to go to and etc. And cops are looking for him because of warrant. Did I cause him to relaaspe? Should I have let him stay at my house? Help.

  271. I’ve been with husband for 9 years going on 10 next year. We got married this year after we were married everythingwent down hill. He wasn’t acting the same his attitude changed he was always mad. He was never home at night and out with friends and he always gets mad at me for small little things.last month I noticed something how he ddint sleep at night and his wedding ring dissapered and some of our stuff dissapered too. I then started searching through his drawers and found what I was afraid it was. I was right he was on something. My husband has a very bad temper how do I approach him of this. I asked him before but he would denie and get upset. How do I approach him now that I’ve seen the evidence.

  272. Hello. I have been married for 17 years. My husband injured his back 13 years ago, and he has been on prescription pain pills since. Over the years (like 9 years ago)he has tryed other prescription pain pills” off the street” from people or friends he knows to help with his pain. He also smokes marijuana several times daily, beginning in the morning with his coffee and cigs. Just recently I found an Arbys wrapper in the garage ( a tin foiled topped wrapper) with burn marks and ashes on it…? I brought it to his attention, and he ripped it out of my hand, and became very angry “that I would accuse him of doing something wrong” I looked it up online and I beleive it is black tar heroin.. I confronted him again, and he tells me to ask my 16 and 18 year old kids if they know what it is, or “maybe their friends” left it here. My kids looked at it and didn’t know what it was, my daughter said it looks like incence that was burned. So since then, he has called me every name in the book, and even became so angry, he tryed spitting on me, although he missed. I do drink a couple glasses of wine after work while i cook dinner, and now hes calling me an alcoholic fat $$s, who is crazy and that I have lost my mind and went crazy for coming up with this new finding. Just a couple hours ago he texts me that it was prob chain saw oil and dust in that wrapper from blades he had wrapped up. I DO NOT believe him as there were clearly ashes in the wrapper. Long story shortened, I feel like he is robbing me of a good marriage. His life is focused on pills, and fentantyl patches, always counting them to make sure he has enough. Almost daily he wakes up miserable, due to not taking pills during the night, and waking up in pain. However, this is the time he is most verbally abusive, and I have to hear of the things that I do not do right. He is happiest when he gets home from work, when his pupils are pin point, and he looks high. He has 22 year old people come over , here and there for half hour at a time (he is 45). I asked him why he is talking to a 22 year old, and he snapped it was his friend, and that I should get some(because we recently moved). SO TODAY, i told him, I am done with this lifestyle, and can not do this anymore. He keeps telling me I’ve snapped, and had gone crazy. Please help me..thank you.

  273. My husband is an addict and from what I’ve read in your article so far I’m a enabler, co-addict and I’m tired. When is it time to let go and move on? Is answering his calls after he has messed up not a good idea? Is taking him food and clean clothes doing too much of he ask? I don’t know when to cut him off. As his wife I believe that the vows “for better or for worse in sickness and in health” means stick it out. When is enough enough to say I’m done and not feel like I’m not honoring my vows. I’m so confused. I want to take back control of my life but I want my husband and or marriage. Help?

  274. Hi,
    Well my husband has replased after the longest time clean he has had in years. He was clean for almost 6 months. We have been testing him so i know i’m not being lied to. He finally admitted he used coke again this week. I could tell from his rude behavior. I feel numb right now – no tears. Not even the energy to fight. I asked him to leave for the night telling him its over. But i know i can’t do it. I just can’t deal with the humiliation of having it end. I’ve told his mom, i’ve told his sister, still he doesn’t seem to be accountable to anyone including me. What can i do???? i should i support him again? What is the end going to look like for me and my kids. If i’m going to divorce is there something i should do to officially record that he is an addict. I’m sure he will be a massive jerk when we get a divirce so i will need proof. I frel sick.
    Amanda – i hope your daughter is recovering well. I’m sorry to you have to hear all this self inflicted abuse and disfunction when your daughter and you have to live through a tramatic ill ess with no choice in the matter. You must be a kind compassoionate be able to respnd to these comments. L

  275. I’m living with a basic husband i work he does nothing I don’t have money to get a apartment i live paycheck to paycheck i have to pay all the bills i want to get my own place but how if I have no money for security deposit and a month rent please is there some one that can help me it’s been 4 yes now

  276. I am crying reading this. We were suppised to celebrate our 25 wedding anniversary this month. Instead, we are making monthly trips to family court to folliw up whether he is still attending rehab and counseling (no). I have never used the word ENABLING, and always thought I was SUPPORTING him, assisting him, with guidance. I cannot do it anymore. I am mentally and physically exhausted… and worried fir my kids. Hr is their father…

  277. Been together for almost 12 years and married for three years now and have been enabling my husband, he has a math problem and has also been cheating the whole time. There of the so-called honeymoon stage and then later on that day it can be fighting. Part of me wants to walk away and part of me wants to stay, so depressed most of the time crying a lot I just don’t want to make the wrong choice. I am devoted to my vows but when is too much too much? Been waiting for a sign from God to tell me what to do I just don’t know .

  278. To all of you I have not answered;
    I am sorry that I had a life circumstance that took me away from this blog and helping all of you.
    My daughter had to have a major surgery, that did not go well and it was a long road but as all things go, they get better with time, patience and a positive outlook. I want you to know that although I can not answer all of you individually, I have just read all of your stories and not one of you have gone unnoticed to me.
    I do not usually make blanket replies but there are so many posts that I think I can say something to all of you that will resonate. When we choose, either consciously or subconsciously to allow a person to infiltrate our lives who is sick then their reality becomes our reality. We will search for answers and do everything we can do and beyond to help a person that simply refuses to help themselves and we are left with nothing. We cannot fool ourselves into thinking this is for love, this has to do with our own issues. We have either become tainted by, seduced by, and/or addicted to the person and their troubles. We are mistaking this drama for an intense love when in fact real love is nothing like this. Love is about trust, faith, respect, caring, and feeling safe and wanted by a person, which is downright the opposite of a relationship with an active addict. An addict puts their drug of choice first and you cannot compete. Once you accept that, you have to start taking responsibility for the situation you allow. There is no straight answer on how you should handle your situation but the key is this; you must change what you are doing and how you are doing it. For some this means leaving or asking the addict to leave (or having the police escort them out), for others it means emotionally letting go and living their life again despite what the addict is doing, for some it means an ultimatum and intervention but for most it means moving on. It is difficult to become spiritually and emotionally healthy while being in a relationship with someone who is clearly not. I was just like you and now I know what the difference really is. It really was about me. I used my husband’s addiction to hide behind. I was ill too, an enabler, and I was not happy with myself so I stayed and used his addiction and my “love” as an excuse to stay. I was never going to get better unless I started to focus on me and create my own reality, not the one that someone handed to me.
    Look at this situation as a learning experience, a way to grow and become a better person, more enlightened and a person who appreciates and loves life. That is what the opportunity is for you here. Don’t stay in the cycle, break it!
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,
    published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  279. Hello ladies, i am writing as a little light of hope for some of you. Ive to have been married for almost 5 years to a man addicted to meth. We have an awesome 3 year old daughter who thinks the world of her dad. I have dealt with him leaving, cheating, all the same stuff most of you have gone through but this article has the begining steps to start over. The fact that you ladies are even searching for help or even someone to talk to is a big step. There is help every where. I turned to a church that i was not awear had a program called celebrate recovery that helps with co dependency…. my first step was turning everything over to God… when i say everything i mean everything, i gave him my trust that he would handle everything. Over the course of a year, a lot of praying and talking to other women with similar situations, He has put us in a better place. I found a faith based rehab which is called John 3:16 (for anyone in the arkansas area interested) and my husband has finally decided to change his life. Now it is to early to say he has changed and every thing else but the fact that he is there is amazing! God has put me in a job where i am able to support us while he is gone and he keeps blessing me left and right and i truely believe it is because i am putting all my faith in God alone. I give all the thanks to Jesus Christ for what he has done in our lives. This article should open your eyes that we have been enabling our partner without really realizing it but now that you know you have a co dependecy issue what are you going to do about it? Do not just sit at home and keep crying about your situation, make some kind of change. look for programs in your area like Celebrate recovery (which is in alot of areas in the US) put yourself out there to actually make a change and most importantly count of God. Turn to him, let him know how you feel and open up to him. Hes always been there. I am praying for all you, i know how tough it is but a scripture that always kept me going was James 1:2-6 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of you faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

  280. This is something that I really needed to see. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. we have two beautiful daughters. Our oldest H has a disability and was just diagnosed last year and she is 3.5 years old. Our youngest Z is turning 7 months next week on Halloween. My heart hurts because I know that I am slowly falling out of love with him because he keeps choosing his addiction over his family. He does cocaine and he snorts it from what I know but he is constantly lying to me about it. money will disappear out of our joint account and when I question it of course he gets defensive because when his direct deposit hits that’s clearly money he worked for but whenever I see an atm withdrawal I cringe because there is no guarantee that the money will be spent on positive things. its heart breaking, and frustrating to the point it makes me sick. I am 24 and he is 27. I feel alone. I already feel like a single mom. Don’t get me wrong he is a great dad but at times he can be absent. The last thing I want is for us to not be together but I feel like I’m being dragged into this mess with him. But whenever I need to take action I go numb and see our history flash before my eyes. I remember falling in love, going to different places, talking about plans, remembering the birth of our girls..and then I come back to earth and remember what he’s doing. im lost. and I wish someone could give me the yellow brick road to a different situation but I know ultimately it comes down to me..

    – F

  281. Should i stop trying to tex him or call so angry ive been traped in his crazy world for years hes only sober for 3 to 4 monthes at a time cause i worked with him i left him and got back with him 5 monthes ago we renewed our vows. And 2 days ago he went to warsh his truck and never came back he stayed at his daughters with a crakehead friend of hers his daughters does drugs also .alote of crap happen there my husband ended up spending all his money in 2 days today .should i stop calling him and texing i feel like ive been living a lye and our vow renewed was a big ass

  282. Well written article in codependency. Fading out codependecy is a process. It doesn’t happens overnight. Important precursors to stop the nightmare of codependency is to explore self care, self love and self forgiveness. In my case, choosing good habits such as organic nutrition, daily movement (cardio) exercise, awareness of spending fun-quality-time with someone I care (my kid, or a friend) and registering for a course or topic I am interested in learning, have been necessary steps to achieve some detachment slowly but surely from the addiction drama or the addict partner. I am not there yet where I want to be. But I have faith I will be 100% independent some day. That’s my goal.

  283. My husband is a meth addict he leaves whenever ever he wants and comes back when he’s coming down I’m tired if this situation .. His cheating with drug addicts he steals our hard earn money I’m tired of calling the cops and they don’t help I just want him out of my life?

  284. Hello everyone I read a lot of stories we have a lot in common. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. He’s been struggling with a cocain addiction since 2011 went to jail for 3 years got out back on drugs. I done everything from putting him out to cutting him off from even trying to go to rehab with him even tho I’m not an addict. I don’t lost our home because when he’s high he will mess up the house and everything I work hard for. I stayed because I thought and prayed he could get better and things would change. We have two kids together our daughter is 7 and our son is 1. I’m 25 and my husband is 27. He’s facing charges right now of demestic violence and injury to a child because he bit her on the wrist because she was trying to protect me. I hope they will send him to rehab vs prison. I feel sad because my daughter trying to protect me and I should have stayed away from him till he got it together. Was just trying to have a family night at the movies if I knew he was using I would have never been around him. Now cps is involved and he has a 2 year restraining order out and his visits will be supervised. All I can do is pray for him pray he gets better. I learn that I can’t change him or make him stop using he has to want it. He can go to rehab all day everyday but it’s going to have to take him to want it and for God to help change him. I’m a believer that the lord will turn him around he might have to hit rock bottom but I know in my heart he will have a testimony and I will too. I pray for each and everyone of you if you man is abusing you please get out and if you have children leave before something bad happens or cps take the kids. We love these men’s but they have to love themselves for them not to do the drugs and get help. They have to want it all we can do is pray for them don’t talk down on them just pray. I’m praying for everyone that’s going through it it’s not a good feeling at all. The lord can turn it around things keep happening because we be trying to change them and fix them so god be like I can’t do anything to help if you going to stand in the way let god and let god. I’m praying for everyone and their love one

  285. i love a man how is addicted since last 7 years.Now we are going to marry. Arrangments for marraige are done.But since last 4 to 5 months he has again start taking drugs(Cocaine and meth) and he is also involved in a woman in his office(2 years older than him).he replace me with her.He has no time for me.its me who is making effort to talk to him,date and calls.After my many calls he respond but showing that he is to busy with his co-workers and with his parents.But when is checked his mobile,it shows that he is in contact with that lady.Please reply on my email id

  286. How do u help an addict wen they suffer with mental illness and demand and abuse u I feel that I helped because I am tired off the driving around scabing money off people its tecttic

  287. I am 34 weeks pregnant and have known my husband was using for nearly a year, I am also a recovering addict with 2 1/2 years clean and started originally using with my husband many years ago which makes things even more complicated. After I had undeniable proof that he was back to using, I had hoped that that would give me some leverage or some sort of control over the situation especially with a baby on the way.. months go by, I’m trying to control the situation but am enabling more than anything. Things progress as they tend to do in addiction and he’s getting further and further from getting clean. Starts selling things. Money is always missing, he keeps taking chances with the legal system, our relationship is declining fast. So yesterday finding our tv gone. I’m fed up, I realize what im doing is not working. And that the only thing that might get him to do anything, make changes is going to have to be huge.. so I saw him before he left for work, told him I was leaving, he seemed not concerned just like ok.. and as he’s gone I packed up my life and my soon to come daughters life in garbage bags and left. Now, I think reality is hitting him, he’s saying I’m running away and leaving the problems for him to fix, im not being accountable for my own flaws.. just generally making me out to be the bad guy. I’m scared to death that he’s going to end it for good which I don’t want. I did this to help us and our future. And im struggling internally if I did the right thing or not.

  288. I’m at the point where I want a Divorce. I want my husband to leave my home today. I’ve spent years forgiving him for the same stuff over and over. He just want leave. I’m in school and can’t support myself just yet. He is holding that over my head to stay here. What do I do? I’ve told him I want a Divorce and want him and his drugs out of my house and my life.

  289. A week has past since I made my addict boyfriend of 6 years move out of our home. This has been one of the hardest decisions of my life I find myself extremely worried about him all hours of the day & night. He was never bad to disappear but I worry now that it will get worse instead of better. I know that I was his enabling him & this was hard to come to terms with. I am now fighting with the decision that i made for him to leave after his drug dealer showed upat out home in a Saturday morning. Am I being selfish by my decision? Most of his family think I’m a horrible person cause now he is struggling with this in his own. Any advice would be appreciated.

  290. OK, so after being in this marriage for seven years, I finally realized the only way, was to remove my daughter and I completely out. It has been a nightmare to say the least. The longer I stayed the worse it became. He would stop for a few months here and there, periodically. However each time he returned to using, the situations would become worse than the time before. It became very dangerous to stay any longer. Now, my daughter and I are 600 miles away from him, he cannot physically do harm. I have turned to the Lord first and foremost along with alot of study on substance abuse, addiction, narcissistic sociopaths, etc. However nothing gives you more experience on how this terrible weak state of mind begins to consume you and everything around you, than living it first hand. I find myself in prayer daily. I also still find myself wanting to, not go back. However still loving this man dearly and still having the desire to want to help and fix his problem? Where to go from here????

  291. I want to stop enabling my husband but I do not know how. The money I give my husband he gives back to me but he takes the rest of his money and smokes crack with it. I am in the process if buying a house and doung it secretly from him. If I had the money right niw I would pack up and move far away from him but I do not have the money to do that right now. I love my husband but his addiction is causing me to fall out of love wirh him. What do I do.

  292. Hi I have read your article and some of the comments I have been with my partner for 8 years we have one 5yr old girl and another one on the way my partner is addict to cocaine and weed for 4 years im at the point now where in just waiting to come home from work and find him dead on the floor, he has stolen from me multiple times and stolen my credit card and maxed it out and won’t help to pay it off he has also got out loans in my name that I have to pay back he promises me that he is going to get help but never does no one on my side of the family knows as they all love him to bits and i am worried that they wont beleive me if i tell them the truth also dont want them to be dissapointed in me. His family know but constantly find excuses for him and his mum even gives him money to enable him to get more. Our little girl knows nothing about what he’s doing but does notice when he is on it as he acts very strange. I am starting to realise that I can’t help or fix him as he doesn’t want it and have asked him to leave as I pay all of the bills on my own and feel that he should leave as I have worked hard for what we have but he refuses to leave and am stumped at what to do he knows I won’t turn it into something dramatic for our daughters sake but he won’t let me go. Any advice would be appreciated

  293. My fiancé of 6 years was a pill addict due to all the surgery she had(befor I met him)I never had a clue he was addicted till almost a year after we were together,never knew the signs of one,Life was complete hell when I found out,I lost trust for him,started to realize when he was having withdrawals by reading online,1 year ago a family member got him in The suboxin program,To me I felt it wasn’t good enuff but everyone said it would help get him down to where he needs to be,I haven’t seen a change whats so ever,he abuses them by taking more than he is prescribed claiming his legs hurt his back hurts his knee hurts,all BS to me!!!I am now 5 monthes pregnant and am thinking of my unborn little girl who will have to see this and I don’t know if I want to be in this relationship,it’s not fair to her not me,I love him but I’ve seen his temper when he doesn’t have his crap..I don’t have anyone to lean on for advice,so I hold things in,I am at wits end!!! I hate to be mean and unfair with our unborn baby,but I don’t even want his family around her or me,his brother is a heroine addicts and smokes weed all day,his dads wife is a pill addict,his daughter and her boyfriend smoke weeks among other things,I just can’t do it,I can’t allow her to be in this kind of environment,I feel I need to do what is best for her right now,any advice is appreciated

  294. I married a drug addict about four years ago but I had absolutely no frame of reference and I didn’t learn until we moved into our own house a year and a half ago that he had been regularly using up until deciding to marry me and he wasn’t regular in his use for over two years. But he would binge use and those were trying times but doable because at least he would return to his “normal” self as I had gotten to know him (not knowing it was his second time in his life trying to be sober. He had been sober for almost seven years then relapsed for a couple years before meeting and marrying me). Now that he is regularly using he is also regularly drinking and he is a different person who I do not like nor am attracted to. I hate how stupid he is and how he never dies what he says. But he did for those first two and a half years. I’m so angry because I married him because I could tell he was an honest character and I had just gotten out of a sixteen year marriage with a compulsive liar and Sec addict who controlled my life by making me believe I had to do better for him to stop his behavior. He was a sorry man and I was thrilled to finally be done with him. But now with this husband I am finding our marriage slipping into the same pattern for me where I keep being a fool for hope that he will quit and we can finally build a future together but then lie after lie and I’m slowly dying inside and going crazy because I never know what’s going to happen any given moment because he will snap or not at something I say or do and then won’t explain nor apologize in a way that I know he knows what he’s apologizing about and his it affected me. My threshold was already low because of being in bondage for sixteen years before this marriage. Only two years to build my self esteem was just barely getting to a believable improvement in myself before it has now been almost completely damaged to worthlessness again.

  295. My husband is an addict am literally tired of being in this relationship..I left job love this man more than my life.. I always had fear of losing him..but now it’s like I need some support and motivation so that I can become strong and just leave him

  296. I need someone to talk to… My husband is a meth addict and i try not to enable what he does. He throws a fit threatening to hurt me scares the kids and i usually let him go do whatever. Plz help

  297. Hi there, I am writing because I need some help. My husband was an addict for 5 years before we got together, we dated before his addiction also when I ran i to him and he told me of His issues I tried to help. He called one day and said he wanted to be sober and away from the life he was living and asked if he could stay with me. I agreed under the condtion of no drugs. We started dating shortly after of course and after 3 months I recieved an odd phone call and came hime to an obviously high boyfriend. We went to counceling after a month and our tgerapist said “I either let him do it or he will do it behind my back”…music to his ears im sure. So after enabeling for 3 months and thousands of dollars later O had enough, he I threatened and he finally went sober for 9 months and said “I just have to get it out of my system, this will be the only time, I will write a contract to you, Im starting a new job so I wont ever be able to do it again(because of random drug tests) so I allowed…9 months and a baby girl later, married and pregnant again…with another urge to get high, last time, have to get it out of my system, we have another baby coming I wont be able to ever do it again (mind you random drug tests at work turned out to be only if you get hurt tests) so I was upset but eventually allowed it. So again today a year later we look at houses and the excuse on the way home is, “we are going to have a financial responsibility to this house, this is the only time I can do it, labor day is monday so I have 3 days and it will be out of my system by the time i go back to work in case i get hurt, I will write a contract, I want to do it one last time and leave it here at this hpuse and not take it with me to a new beginning. Im afraid of i dont let him, he will do it at the new house behind my back and it will never end. What do I do 🙁

  298. Thank you for this article. I need to hear ALL of the things you mentioned and I know I need to hear them often. I’ve read books and articles, I’ve talked to therapists and trusted friends about the life I’ve lived for too many years. I’m not a stupid person! I’m educated, responsible, A devoted mother, successful and capable, yet I’m weak unsuccessful and very incapable when it comes to handling my husband’s addictions. For 12 years I worked and raised our children while my husband lost himself in cocaine and alcohol. Days and even weeks would go by and I had no idea where he was. Eventually he would come home. He’d apologize profusely, cry, make promises and every single time, those promises were a dead end. I was scared and ashamed. Many people in our community thought I was a single mother because my husband was just never around. Never involved and because I was so embarrassed by the way my marriage and life had turned out, I didn’t make friends. I didn’t want to explain why my husband was always gone. I didn’t want people to think I was in a bad situation and I most certainly didn’t want anyone to think my kids were in a bad situation! I overcompensated with my kids in order to hide the fact that they had a coke head, alcoholic father. I made sure they had the best of everything, I got them involved in as many extra curricular activities as their little hearts desired and made sure I didn’t miss one second of any of it, I through them elaborate birthday parties and volunteered for everything I could that they were involved in. Looking back, I believe it was my way of avoiding my sick life at home with my sick husband. The cycle continued for 12 years until he came home to an intervention in our
    living room with several of our friends and a drug counselor who was ready to take him to rehab if everything went as we’d hope it would. Long story short, he completed rehab and was sober for more than 10 years. He found great friends who loved him and held him accountable. They were great role models for him. Good fathers and husbands, hard workers and just good, solid people. He grabbed the reigns and completely transformed his life. For 10 years things were everything I’d always prayed they would be. We had a solid marriage, awesome friends, we were involved in our community and built a respectable reputation for ourselves in our community. We were living a life I took a lot of pride in. I was proud of him and so grateful!! Today, after 10 years of sobriety, my husband is once again using. He’s developed a nasty addiction to OxyContin. Once again I’m faced with the lies and all of the ugly things that go along with loving an addict. The big difference this time is that I’m now an empty nester. I don’t have children to raise who will fill my hours and bring me joy when life doesn’t seem all that joyful. This time, I know I need to handle our problem much differently than I did 10 years ago. I can’t be quiet about it because I’m afraid our kids will hear, I can’t protect him by keeping it a secret so people won’t judge. I know I DESERVE a clean husband. I know I DESERVE to have a man who chooses me over a high. Articles like the one you’ve written are helpful. I need to hear those things but I need to find the strength to follow through.

  299. Thanks for the words of wisdom. I’m almost free. He has been gone for 7 months, back to pick up the rest of his things. Tried talking his way back but I’m not going for it. He’s leaving again at end of the week and I will be so glad because I wil never let him back in my life again. Even though I understand what may have triggered all of this, I don’t give a damn cause this s?&!t is crazy and so am I for putting up with it for 10 years. Now I just don’t give a damn. I’m done with him. He’s nuts.

  300. My fiance is an addict. I am an enabler. Which in turn feels like I have the bigger problem. I am not so afraid to be alone as to what will happen to him when I choose that path. I am scared. I have kept his secret for fear of how others including his family will feel about it. He has disappeared for days and weeks at a time as I sit back and make excuses for his absence. I feel like if I reject him he will sink further into his hole. Yet I know it has to stop. I have allowed him to depend on me for everything, basically crippling him from taking responsibility for himself. I still love him but I know the time has come to make a choice since I already laid out the ultimatum the last time. I don’t know how to do it and now that I am realizing I have to I am scared. Scared for his future but also a bit scared of him. Its like pulling everything from under his feet. What do I do?

  301. I left my alcoholic spouse 14 years ago. It hurt. A lot. It took a while for me to realize it, but a few months later I looked back and saw that for the first time in years I had a savings account instead of living in fear of not meeting the bills. I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and didn’t have to avoid going somewhere that his drunken, lewd behavior might embarrass me. I could go to work and not worry about what he was doing while I was gone or whether I would come home to the sweet drunk or the angry drunk. The day I left I told him that I could no longer feel anything for anyone, not even myself, and I had to remove myself from a situation that was so draining I felt my only options were to leave or do away with myself. I chose to leave/live. I think that I had finally realized the truth: addicts “love” their addiction so much they can’t love anything/anyone else. That doesn’t mean they enjoy it. That means they nurture it, protect it, align with it against anyone who would try to damage it, sneak and lie and cheat and steal for it. All the things you would expect a spouse or parent to do for a spouse or child, the addict will do for his addiction. It is his/her first priority and there is no room for a relationship with anyone else except to find someone who can be used as a means to an end (money, a place to live, etc). He/she will go to rehab if it keeps the employed, functional spouse around to care for him and his addiction. It’s like having an affair with a bottle (syringe, pill bottle, whatever). “I swear I love you, bottle, more than anything. I only stay with my spouse because of the money I can get from him/her so we can keep seeing each other and I can give you a place to live. But I really love only you.” If you would have no problem leaving a partner who moved his mistress into your house and insisted you had to let her live there so he would be happy, you should be able to get yourself together and be able to leave the addict and his “mistress” the addiction. No matter how good you are to him/her, no matter what you have done in the past, no matter how many years you have put into the relationship, you can’t “fix” him and you can’t afford to throw good years after the bad and stay. Don’t worry about what will happen to him/her. Addicts can always find someone else willing to keep them. Heck, they usually already have an escape plan already in place. Someone they’ve cried to about how you “don’t understand” them. Just in case you get the courage to leave. And I can guarantee that once he/she charms their way into another bed and board they won’t worry about how you’re getting along at all. He/she might try to keep you strung along as their escape plan in case the next one figures them out before they get a chance to find a new person to suck the life out of, but don’t mistake that for real caring. They are just not capable of that.

  302. Hello, i found this site because my BF of 5 years has recently come clean with me about his addiction to cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana. The drinking we both enjoyed doing together a beer here and there in moderation on my end. Then i started noticing when we had liquor in the house he started taking a few shots here and there. I confronted him about it and it seemed to mellow out. Enough to throw away the booze entirely. I never knew about the cocaine though. He hid that from me. I found it a total of two times but he admitted to using for a year. This last time i found it and made him leave the house we share. He wants to seek therapy and over come his addictions but i dont think he wants my help. Im confused because i support his decision amd would only consider staying if he revieved help, well both of us really. I just dont know what my part in this is supposed to be? I would happily live a completely sober life style if it meant having my healthy, happy, and loving boyfriend back. I just feel so lost.

  303. Hi.
    What is your advise about staying in the relationship while I learn to empower myself?

    My husband doesn’t want to quit using nor does he want to leave his friends.

    During a conversation this morning he stated:

    You’re making my using bigger than ir is – he uses 4 times a month he says.

    He said he is going to get me to try it. – he’ll can freeze over before that happens and even if it does it still won’t happen.

    Ivw thrown in the towel in trying to keep him away from his friends and trying to help him. He says maybe he will stop and in the meantime im stating to learn how to do things that make me feel good and happy.

    So what do I do about the relationship? I teeter between staying and going. I feel like a single woman in the relationship because I do everything on my own anyways.

    There is lover between us. This us undeniable. Can me big and feeling empowered sway him to the clean side or us leaving the way?

    I am a relationship coach and one would think I would know how to handle this addiction but I don’t.

    I appreciate your thoughts and support.

    Love iris

  304. Hi Amanda, I have just finished reading Hope Street thank you for sharing your experience with addiction and co-addiction, my sister is in a similar situation you were once in. Her husband of 11 years who has been addicted to something or other though out there 20 year relationship has been on crack for the past two years. It has finally gotten to the stage where he has stopped coming home quit his job takes all the money from their account and owes money to a lot of people. She has kept this secret until now, at some time or another my family and I have all questioned HER sanity her health has deteriorated and she has developed a hoarding obsession and the whole time he has been telling
    everyone she is mental and that’s the way it looked. I feel terrible that she felt she couldn’t talk to us and kept his secret to protect him. I’m not sure how this is going to end he has been home once in the last week since texting her he was leaving her for his girlfriend. I think my sister is relieved he’s left and says she is only sad for their 14 year old son. As she is now hearing a lot of stories about what he’s been lying to her about over the years the cheating the girls the motels the gangs etc I know it is far from over. But I really hope she has reached that place where she can finally move on and get on with her life. You are an inspiration and I hope my sister can come out the other side of this regain her confidence and her life as you have done.

  305. My husband has smoked Crack on and off for 24 years. He was clean the first five years of our 16 year relationship. I filed for divorce again after a five day disappearing binge. Hw returned, wouldn’t accept thw papers and now he has 62 daya clean. He doesn’t want the divorce and says he is fine now. His reckless life with drugs tereifiew me. He is also waiting on an inheritance that is caught up because of the divorce. He sounds like he has years clean but won’t discuss issues. Basically says don’t you see the change. Help….jo

  306. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and I love my husband dearly. I desperately want to help him and I’m ready to hear whatever I need to hear at this point you know I’ve had to leave my home with my kids and my grandson and I told him that I would not return unless he went and got the help that he needed and he refuses he tells me that I don’t love him that I treat him badly he tells me all kinds of ugly and nasty mean things. Am I doing the right thing by telling him he has to get help before he can have his family back?

  307. My fiancé is a meth user and has been using needles I think since December of last year. He goes back n forth saying he’s been clean. When I know it’s a lie. I feel crazy ALL the time. And blames me for everything. I have left before and he said I made it worse then he said he was clean. I’ve seen him go through DTs. But then notice the same behaviors showing back up. Then found needles again. He said he would go get help but then it’s my fault cuz I don’t set up the appointments. I know what I should do but I’m so worried and a little scared as well. I love him with every piece of me I just don’t know anymore. I’m sooo broken down.

  308. My husband lost his Suboxone script a little over a year ago. He started using and I didn’t know the signs. It was only after he had stolen a week’s pay after Christmas that I realized. He hasn’t worked since he started using. He steals money from me then blames me saying I planned on a fight to make him use. Insanity! He has stolen thousands leaving me buncing checks and ruining my credit. I fear if I let him stay I will eventually lose everything. I’ve tried kicking him out. He won’t leave . I’ve begged pleaded screamed hit threatened. I’ve tried understanding and helping. He is on methadone but still using stealing and lying. We both have children to other people. His daughters mother is a homeless jobless junkie. If I divorce him he will lose his klgirls to a grandparent most likely which is fine for the younger two but not for the oldest. She has been treated like Cinderella since she was old enough to change diapers. Only now getting custody to her father and I in the past 2 years has she been able to be a kid again. She had lived so much in her mere 13 years. I do everything I can for her. I love her as of she was my own and she begs me to adopt her so she will be safe and cared for. (She knows of her father’s use) If I divorce him she would be taken from me and prolly end up with her grandmother. Moved yet again to another unstable household. I am stuck. I don’t know what to do. I can’t adopt her because her biological mother would never give up rights just to be spiteful. ( And she hasn’t seen child in over a year) if I divorce she will be put in another bad situation. If I stay I will eventually lose everything I’ve worked so hard to build for myself and son. D9 I have any options to kick him out legally without filing for divorce?

  309. I have been with my husband for 14 years..I am an enabler..I have been with him since I was 19. We have 2 children together Ava 11, and Robert 9.. I have been the bread winner all 14 years.. I accept it because he has narcolepsy..I love him..I’m in love with him..but I know I deserve more..he is addicted to heroin..I’m finding needles around the house..we fight all the time became of it… looking back he has been an addict the whole time…I always think he will get better..but it only gets worse…my question the only salutation kicking him out?

  310. I married my spouse knowing that he smoked and I never thought it was a big deal – boy I was dumb. He is crabby all the time , my fault he says I am his good mood medicine. He has depression , his smoking starts the minute he gets out of bed and stops when he goes to bed! The latest incident was that my son is in boot camp and he asked he doesn’t bring anything, we have fought for 3 weeks about this. He doesn’t agree! I feel so stupid! But it’s his problem I cannot fix him!!! He has to want to fix him! He’s been smoking since 15 and he is 51 now! I am loosing hope and compassion

  311. I am 46years old and a mother of 4. My 2nd husband of 8 years is addicted to marijuana. We are separated forseveral years at the beginning of our marriage due to infidelity, but we have since reconciled and have been back under the same roof for over 2years now. We have one 7 year old daughter together. He has been an addict since I met him 12 years ago.Before the girls and I moved back in with him, he played down his addiction and made it sound like it was something he had dealt with. There was nothing further from the truth! In order to create his own space, he, graduatecreated a “man cave” in the garage of our new home. It is now fully functional with music, tv, laptop, and even a/c. To be honest, some nights he stays up ALL night in that garage…on a typical day, he is in there about 6 to 8 hours a day! He works a full time, highly demanding, well-paying job during the day. I’m at my whit’s end because I’m so tired of this and I don’t know what to do! His actions are so clear that the weed takes priority over EVERYTHING and he will defendand feed his habit at all cost! He comes home from work to a hot meal every evening and asks me to put his plate in the microwave because he need to go”unwind” first. Then he does not come out of the garage until about 2 hours later. He eats and the will fall asleep. Sleep for about 2 hours, then go back to his garage…this happens over and over all night. Most of the time it’s just the girls and me doing everything without him. I’m feel like a single mom like before we got back together…only difference is I’m not paying all the bills myself now. There’s SO much more but that’s a quick run down. I’m just not sure what to do at this point.

  312. I want to leave my husband because if his drugs abuse but he have a daughter, not our his daughter, iam afraid he will take her from me, so I continue to stay with him which I hate doing so I can stay with his daughter, please give me advice what I should do the daughter is 15 years old

  313. First of all I just want to say thank you for this blog post. I feel pretty new to this whole enabling addiction thing so it was so crazy how everything you said I could actually relate to. I noticed no one has commented since 2015 so I hope you’re still able to see this.. When I first met and started dating my husband he was only 7 months clean. Obviously that scared the hell out of me b/c I’ve never dealt with anything like that in a relationship. But there was something about him that I immediately fell in love with (as corny as that may sound) so I just knew I had to give him a chance. That turned out to be the best decision of my life. Fast forward to 4 years later and we are married, have our first home and first baby girl. He’s been clean for 4 years now but about 6 months ago I started to see a change in him. He sees an addiction doctor and he started prescribing him Klonopin for anxiety. Now both me and my husband can be pretty socially awkward and get anxiety. We just don’t like being around large crowds or anything like that. So I didn’t think anything of it about him getting this medicine and to be honest, I had never even heard of it until he got it. But once he did, everything changed. He was abusing the pills, taking over 4mg MORE than he was supposed to. He would fall asleep in front of family and friends, be in slow motion, etc. more times that I can count. For a few months I just held everything in and would cover for him by lying to his mom that he was taking it the right way. I knew deep down it was wrong but like I said before, I didn’t know anything about the drug and honestly, he only did it on the weekends so I always just let it slide. But that always led to the same exact arguments over and over again. He was becoming so emotionless. He didn’t care about my feelings or what I was saying. I cry right in front of him about how he makes me feel and all I get is eye rolls or smart comments lashed back at me. Finally I just couldn’t take it anymore. He started acting very resentful towards our daughter which I just couldn’t even fathom how that could be since she is so perfect and by far the best thing to ever happen in our lives. So I ended up telling his mother everything he had been doing and I then wrote his addiction doctor to tell him what this medicine was doing to him. I won’t go into much details there but let’s just say he was/is NOT happy about that. I felt so scared of what he was going to do and although I knew I did the right thing I found myself regretting it b/c I didn’t want to lose him. So I went to his appointment with him and I was the one who suggested to his doctor that he still get them. I knew I was enabling the situation yet I didn’t stop. His doctor lowered his dose to only 15 pills a month now (which I don’t believe he should even have) but I hold onto them now. Today we had a dinner/movie date night and it was the first time since the appointment that he asked for them. I thought we were doing fine without it and thought maybe they can just stay there for emergencies or if he really needs it. So I gave him his pill and he asked to take 3 of them bc he claims “1 does nothing”. I refused to give him 3, however I did give him 2 of them. He didn’t pass out or make a fool of himself but every time I even know he’s on them it just puts me into the worst mood ever and I get very mean. So instead of enjoying our date night and having some alone time afterwards we end up arguing. And as I’m laying in bed next to him while he sleeps- I stumbled upon your post and am starting to finally realize that I am a big anabler. Instead of being a good wife and taking care of him- I fear that it’s only making things way way worse. I really don’t know what to do (or maybe I do but I just need someone to lay it out and tell me). I have NEVER met this side of him since when we first met he was 7 months clean. I’m scared to know if this version of him is the real one or if it’s just addiction, and the man I met 4 years ago is deep down there somewhere. I keep waiting for something to happen or change to make me feel hopeful that he’ll do better. After reading your post, I just know it’s time to put an end to this all.

    Sorry for such a long post. I have no one to talk to about any of this (which is another enabler aspect of me) so i thought it would do me good to write a post and since he isn’t seeking help for himself th