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Parent of drug addict help: Top 10 truths to help parents

I am the mother of an addict

I am the mother of an addict who is currently incarcerated.  He is a 22 year old young man that I know for a fact is sweet, kind and intelligent, musical and sensitive. Yet he is now a convicted felon who will spend the next 4 years in prison on a felony conviction for possession of a controlled substance.

Beginning when he was 19, my son has been in long-term rehab on four different occasions, for a total of almost a full year of days. He has embraced sobriety, only to lose it again several months later. He has done this multiple times. He has been rushed by ambulance to the hospital more than once. He almost bled to death and he has had overdoses and seizures. He spent a few days in a psychiatric hospital when he became suicidal. He has been saved by Jesus and lost his faith, joined a church, attended AA, NA, MA, and CA and seen psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors in an effort to understand his behaviors. He has been arrested multiple times. He has fallen down, and gotten up, over and over and over again.

As a single parent who left an alcoholic and drug addict husband when my two children were young, I vowed to myself that I would make a better life for them, and I didn’t drink at all as they grew up. I tried so hard to be a good parent, making their well being my number one concern. My daughter has matured into adulthood and is happily married with a child on the way. She seldom drinks at all, doesn’t use drugs at all, and has a stable and healthy lifestyle.

My son’s addiction

My son’s addiction started in high school, with what at the time I considered to be “normal” experimentation with alcohol and marijuana.  I never expected then that his alcohol and drug use would escalate into full blown addiction and that it would progress over the years all the way to intravenous heroin and meth use.

As my son’s descent into serious addiction took over and his life became a roller coast ride, I jumped on the ride too, and have been through all the ups and downs right alongside him. I have cried, yelled, talked, prayed, pleaded and begged. I have had more sleepless nights than I can count, and I have put myself in perilous circumstances more than once on his behalf. I have spent countless hours, almost all my money and all my energy into trying to save him from himself. I have attended Al-Anon and rehab family sessions galore. I have spent my weekends driving to visitations and embraced new thinking along with him. I have read and read and read every book and article on the subject I could get my hands on. I have considered at length every approach to recovery, from AA to Rational Recovery, from faith-based to non-secular, to medically-assisted to pure self will and determination, in an effort to find the key to my son’s condition and to his recovery.

Parents, trust your instincts

I would advise any parent of teens, if you are beginning to suspect a problem, trust your instincts. Pay attention to what your child does more than what they say. Trust is important between a child and parent, but don’t let your love for your child dissuade you from ignoring the facts. If a problem becomes evident and your child is still a minor or under your roof, address it immediately. This is the time to be the parent your child needs with rules, expectations and consequences. If they are a young adult and out on their own, your approach will be different, but be upfront with your concerns. As much as you want your young adult children to consider you a friend, it is more important that they are made aware that their addictive behavior has become noticeable to others.

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10 Truths for the Parent of an Addict Child

You may find yourself reading here today because you are just at the start of that roller coaster ride, or maybe you are already deep into it, looking for answers. I don’t have the answers. But after all of it, I have learned a few hard lessons. From these lessons, I have compiled a list of truths. I wish I had read this list a few years back and taken it to heart. Maybe things could have turned out differently.

    1. Your actions and parenting are not what caused your child to become an addict. Perhaps there are things that you would do differently if you had it to do over. But keep in mind, at the time you made what you thought were the right decisions. Don’t waste your energy and affect your own morale by going over and over the past and endlessly second-guessing yourself.
    2. You can’t fix your child’s addiction. Only your child can find the answers to their sobriety. You may provide your child with self-help books, spend every dime you have sending them to rehab, find support groups for them within your community or much more. But none of that will get them clean and sober and on the path to recovery, until they have hit their own personal rock bottom and are ready to recover.
    3. What you believe your child’s rock bottom to be and what they believe their rock bottom to be can be very different. For you, their dropping out of school or college may seem a tragedy. For them, especially when they are actively using, it may be but a blip on the radar. For you, one trip to the hospital due to an OD may seem a nightmare that you never want to endure again. For them, it may take even more severe consequences for them to reach bottom.
    4. Telling a child that “if they loved you” they would get clean and sober “for you” will never, ever work. It’s not that they don’t love you, it’s that they are an addict.
    5. And along those lines, don’t for a moment believe that your child, who surely does love you, is not capable of lying to you, stealing from you and more when in the grips of their addiction.
    6. Bailing your child out of trouble caused by their addiction is not protecting them. It is enabling them to continue their addiction without consequences. Facing consequences for their addictive behavior early in their addictive behavior, for example, the loss of a job, an eviction, or a bad credit score, could be an effective lesson for them, and help them face that they have a problem.  Yes, they eventually will have a mess to clean up. Let them learn that.
    7. Bailing your child out of jail if they should be arrested is not always the right thing to do, even if every fiber of your being is in torment at the thought of them being incarcerated. Chances are very strong they will survive the experience, even if you leave them there for quite a long time, and the reality of spending days or even weeks in jail may be just the hard slap they need. Likewise, hiring expensive lawyers may or may not minimize the impact of criminal charges but it will not increase your child’s likelihood of recovering from their addiction.
    8. Telling your child you love them unconditionally is always right. Telling them you don’t like and won’t condone or support their behavior when they are actively using is also right. Addicts can be more manipulative and cunning in their drug seeking behavior than you would like to believe your child capable of. It’s OK and appropriate to tell your child that they cannot use your car, take your money, or jeopardize your home, health, or well being in any way. You may even reach a point when you need to tell your addict child they are not allowed or welcome in your home any longer. Protect yourself, your health, your finances, and your assets.
    9. Loving your child isn’t always enough.  Your addict child will hurt themselves, harm themselves, and cause themselves more pain that you can imagine, and all the love you have for them can’t prevent it or stop it. They may lose friendships and relationships with other family members and with you and alienate everybody. They may lose everything they have and cause irreparable havoc from their drug use. You will still love them, even when they are at their worst. In their own guilt and shame they may have a hard time believing that you love them and they may push you away. Always let them know you believe they have the ability to recover.
    10. There is always hope. In your child’s darkest hour, they may find what they need. Never give up on your child.

Just for today

My son is now 4 months clean, via his arrest and incarceration. He writes to me that being imprisoned has allowed him to feel freer than he has in a very long time. He no longer has a needle in his arm and he is clear-headed and focused. He is reading and writing with a vengeance. He has the courage to face what is ahead of him and the belief that there is a path of growth and recovery for him. He accepts full responsibility for his current circumstances. I continue to pray for his well being, love him with all of my heart, and believe that he can find and stay on his path to recovery.

Are you the parent of an addict? How has your child’s addiction affected you and your family? Do you have truths to add to this list?

Leave a Reply

613 Responses to “Parent of drug addict help: Top 10 truths to help parents
eva
8:49 am December 2nd, 2010

oh my, i salute you for being so tough to face this trials alone. it’s really hard i know that because im a mother of three. my eldest is boy and 17 yrs old now. he’s not an addict thank god but starting drinking and smoking. but as a mother the fear is always there, we always want the best for them but sometimes they don’t see it. i hope and pray that your son will be free from all of this…God bless you

6:33 pm December 6th, 2010

What I’m reading here is that children diagnosed with the disease of addiction must do the work of recovery themselves. I also salute you for the questions, time and hope that you have while you watch your child battle addiction. Your real and honest insight comes from the hard road of experience. Thank you for sharing.

Jessica
10:16 am December 31st, 2010

my brother is deeply addicted to so many substances i dont even know all of the drugs/alcohol he is on. my mother is done with him, i am stuck as the ‘golden child’ and under alot of pressure to maintain that status. my mother thinks that when he is reaching out telling us that he feels unloved, untrusted, and uncared for, that he is just giving us a guilt trip and she said she doesnt care anymore (i care though). i have matured much faster than other teens as i have had more stress and family issues that caused me to do so. i am still only a teen but its sad that i know about all the different kinds of alcohol and drugs there are, including slang terms for them. i will never touch any of the things he is on, but i cant help him because he doesnt want to quit…he is extremely gifted, smart, talented, but makes the most stupid impulsive decisions. i cant make him stop, but i just forced my mom to call him back and assure him that she does love him…but she does NOT have a way with words…she told him straight up that he cannot come over today and that she doesnt care about his ‘guilt trip’ (a.k.a. feelings). my brother has been to jail countless times, hospitals, lost just about every job in the city, and there is just no stopping him. thankfully he doesnt have a car nor a drivers license but he has ways of getting around. he isnt allowed to stay here because 1. my mom doesnt trust him, 2. he is listed as a child molester because his ex girlfriend lied about her age and told him she was 18 when she was actually turning 18 in a month (the judge let him go but it stayed on his record) and although i am his sister and he would never do anything like that, i am under age and he is not allowed to see me unless my mom is home. it makes me sad that he has just given up because he doesnt want to stop, and tomorrow is new years but he said he would just be a burden if he came over, that we dont really love him or care about him or trust him (well we dont actually trust him but we do love him and i care about him) and that theres parties to go to but he’d call. he wanted to come over but my mom said no, so i told him shes tired and he took it the wrong way and now thinks his mother is too tired to see him. it kills me but i know the only thing i can do is assure him i love him and do not approve of his behavior.

Angry dude
12:54 am April 14th, 2011

If u taught ur children rite maybe they wouldnt do drugs. smoking pot is not a drug most of a way to pass time n make the user more stupid than he or she already is. maybe if the mother or father wasnt a addict then maybe the child wouldnt turn to drugs. YOU ARE TO BLAME

Cathey Gray
6:23 am June 26th, 2011

I am shocked at the comment above my, written by ‘angry dude’. How could you possibly place the blame on the parent? I raised 5 children and only 1 chose to go off the right path and choose a life of destruction using meth. Yes, she’s a meth addict. This is truly one of the hardest things a mother will ever face. At first I stayed so depressed thinking there was something I could have done when she was growing up that would have made a difference now. The truth is…she’s making her own choices. I cannot be her enabler any longer. As bad as it’s tearing me apart, I have to allow her to make her own decisions and there will definitely consequences she’s going to have to face. Right now, she’s in violation of a 3 yr state probation, but she thinks she’s about all that and can get away with whatever she wants to do. The saddest thing is I know that either my child will eventually face years in prison or OD….one or the other. I love her, though, more than words can say. My heart grieves for her, but my trust is in God whom is the only way she’ll every overcome her addiction. I’m here to support other mothers experiencing a bout with a child on drugs. To others, I’d say, don’t be so judgmental. Ultimately, our children must make their own choices…..some are good…some are bad. Unfortunately, some of us have children that have chosen the wrong path. Yet, we don’t have to lose our faith that some day they will recover. Nothing in the world could ever make us stop loving them. Nothing can heal this hurting we have deep down in us. Once we know they’re going to be okay…..that hole will heal. But, we can rest assured that we, as parents, didn’t make their decisions….they chose the path they’re own. We just have to let them know we love them…..however, not be an enabler….but, just love them.

Single Dad
8:44 pm July 11th, 2011

WOW – My guess is that Angry Dude is not a parent but a problem himself, everyone should just ignore his post. I am a single parent and have devoted my life to my kids, I taught them that drinking, smoking and drug use is bad. My eldest is clean and sober but my youngest is doing heroin. I love her more than words can describe and it is killing me living with this and watching her go through all that she is going through. I thought she had stopped but found out she started again. I am at a loss of what to do next.

Debbie
2:18 pm August 6th, 2011

I am a mother of a drug addict, and I’m not sure where to start to help him. He’s been using for years, and has been in rehab several times. I know that I’ve enabled him, as well as his wife, but now I’ve stopped taking his calls, and I feel really depressed about doing this. We talked everyday, and it sounded like he was doing ok, only to find out that he’s been stealing things from his house, including his kids toys, just trying to get money. I’ve never heard so many stories about why he needed money, but I always gave in. He can’t keep jobs, and they’re now going through bankruptcy. My daughter in law and my grandchildren are staying with friends until he goes into detox, which will be today, then they will go back home. It’s very hard on all of us, and yes, I do blame myself. I know that he has chosen this, but as a mother, I can’t seem to get my mind around that it’s not my fault. I’m going to go to NA meetings, and would like to know if anyone else has gone to them, and if so, has it helped? I also want to take my grandkids with me. They are 11 and 8. Is that a good thing to do? They know that daddy has a drug problem, but they really don’t understand what its all about. I’m really down, and need some help on if I’m doing the right thing by not talking to him. Thanks to anyone who is in the same situation. Debbie

Linda Hanson
9:51 pm August 7th, 2011

I think it is important to let him know that you will not give him money or enable him in any way to get drugs. You might acknowledge that in the past you had done those things, but seeing his life in shambles has caused you to detach with love. He may be a person who HAS to lose it all before getting help. Remember, HE must WA NT help. It is the only way. It must be his decision. His addiction is a private matter and does not belong to you. But I also don’t feel it is really a “choice”. People use drugs to block painful memories, become addicted by being prescribed narcotics for injuries, some people just try it once and are hooked. I mayself was a heroin addict for 30 years. I stopped because I moved out of the area where I was involved, and started life anew. I have heard of others who, once they had removed themselves from their junkie friends and dealers, were able to make it on their own. I don’t feel the children belong at the meetings. They are too young to understand and it can be very depressing I’m sure. Not a good environment. They need lots and lots of love and attention and happy times. Yes, you can say daddy is “sick” but I would wait until they were older to explain. It sounds as if he has hit the bottom of the barrel..selling his kids toys? But make no mistake, detox is just the first peepy step and junkies sometimes go to detox because their habit is out of control but it does not mean he won’t be back at it when he gets out. You can judge his progress by what he does. Junkies are also master manipulators so everything he says may not be true. I pray that you will find peace and that your son will be well again. Linda

A Mothers Love
7:49 pm August 11th, 2011

I feel for all the parents out there that are going through the ever so long process watching their children struggle with addiction and recovery. We are only at the beginning and struggling every day wondering when the next relapse will be. It has destroyed my sons life but he doesn’t see it. He tells us what we want to hear and we want so bad to believe him but we know the number one thing an addict is great at is lying. I just want him to stop but I know he has to make that decision on his own. Where has my child gone???? I want him back in the worst way. There are so many children out there going through the same thing. it has to stop. I just don’t know how to live with an addict. But i refuse to kick him out and have him on the streets. There has to be a better program out there that tells them they can stop and they can make that decision and stick to it instead of all the NA programs that tell them they are powerless. I know NA helps with group support but really wish they could have a more positive and motivating message. I wish everyone luck with their family members and my only message is to stay positive, there’s always hope. Never give up on your precious children – I know i never will.

lucy
8:10 pm August 15th, 2011

It is so hard to read over and over again about sons and daughters who are addicts. My son is 21 and has been an addict since he was 17- he has been to rehab twice- refuses to go again andjust does not see he can’t do this on his own terms. He has stolen from us been kicked out twice and always finds a nice family to live with. I know he wants to be clean and sober and not live the dark life of pills but the addiction trumps all. He newest plan is to go to collgere in florida and have his grandmother co sign for a college loan- no one else int he family will do it and he has my mother right where he wants her- believeing in him. It could turn out great but I highly doubt it. My other two sons have had it and my youngest is beyond resentful. I set my boundaries after the intervention in May did not work. I am done moving forward and trying to stay positive. Even though you know logically that it is not your fault as a mother or parent- emotionally it really gets to you – even after you set your boundaries. You mourn for the child with the bright eyes and who has so much potentia- handsome, smart and loving. If you saw my son walking down the street you would have no idea of his addiction. He looks like a college student. I wish we had more answers- I know he has to hit “his” rock bottom but I just wish there was another approach that a year in rehab and the 12 steps. I am thankful for at least an option that may work but I just wish there was another approach.

Oh and that the drug companies and doctors would take some ownership for the perscritpion drug epidemic that is so rapid among high school and collgere students!

I am trying to keep the faith but it is very hard to on a daily basis

DJ
1:15 am August 21st, 2011

Our son too is addicted to heroin and at this point I can’t even count how many rehab places he has been. He is currently in rehab again and luckily when he can make a phone call, its only for 5 minutes. There is a plan a head for him to go to a half-way house and of course he has no money to pay (400.00 per month). On one hand 400.00 is worth paying so he is not at, near, or around our house. My initial thought is to agree to pay for X number of months and then leave the rest to him. Any thoughts on this plan? The thinking is, if this is “it” should we (again) give a leg up. He claims he has a job lined up for when he gets to the half-way house. Is any of it true? Who knows? We are in the midwest and the rehab location is in FL.

DJ
6:52 pm August 21st, 2011

To Lucy,

ditto

CP
12:08 am October 31st, 2011

I am so lost in my sadness over my son’s addiction. I’ve just finally come to terms with and admitted to myself that he has a drug problem. As this is the child who every night would come into our room and say “Goodnight, I luv u mom and dad” – even til recently – I feel like I have lost him to these drugs he is using. I know I can’t make him see that he has a problem….it is so painful watching this child I love so dearly self-destruct. He is 19 years old and using “Spice”… still legal in our state and ruining lives. I am glad I found this site tonight because at least I am not alone in this. Everything you have posted you feel is exactly how I feel.

LRC
4:45 am November 14th, 2011

My dtr is 25yrs old. She is a kind, beautiful, loving person-but can also lie, steal, and become violent when under the influence. She has wrecked cars I bought for her, stolen my Dad’s car, been on the street homeless, and taken the worst drugs possible. She has likely prostituted herself. She has been in inpatient rehab, in jail many times. She has many yrs of accumulated debt/collectors/lawsuits, etc that I can no longer keep track. She can no longer get a job, people in this area know her. I no longer give her any money or help of any sort. She calls me frequently, but I do not spend time in person with her. I cannot let her be around her young brothers. I did my best raising her, but genetics are powerful-her father died at age 50 of drug overdose. My father is an alcoholic. I love her dearly, but I am powerless to help her. All I can do is love her, and offer encouragement for her to get help. The rest is up to her. There is hope, there is always hope until the end. But it is hard to feel hopeful most days. To “angry dude”, there comes a time to quit looking to blame others and take responsibility for your life. Then there is hope. To all the parents-it is painful, but there comes a time to stop the craziness and let our adult children own their lives.

11:01 am November 14th, 2011

Dear LRC, Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel for you and all the other parents on this post. I hope that you can feel some peace in the middle of all this pain.

Barbara
3:49 am November 19th, 2011

I would like to start a support group -not like aa-but just for single moms of drug addicted children-i think as a mom who has been going through the process for 14 years it could me very helpful-even for me-having been through countless re-habs, sober houses, therapy groups-thinking its about time to come up with a better support group. I love my son to death, but can’t live with him any longer and don’t want to attend or plan his funeral

LRC
12:54 am November 20th, 2011

Thank you for the kind words. I saw my dtr in the grocery store today-I had not seen her since Mothers day. She looked awful. Lost weight, skin not looking right, she has an infection in both eyes (prob conjunctivitis), a small lump on her neck…I tried to do a mini exam on her right there (I’m an RN), but she said she had to go. We hugged and I told her I love her. I try to keep these feelings at bay, but seeing her this way brings so much pain. I want to empty all my accounts to get her into a rehab unit-but I know she won’t go, and even if she would agree, unless it comes from within her, there’s no point. I know in this country we value autonomy and self determination-but what if it just leads to destruction. She is a beautiful person, but this damn disease is killing her. Oh, and to those who do not think it is a disease-you have not lived this nightmare. To Barbara-I am so sorry, when I saw you said you’ve been gong thru this for 14yrs, I thought, wow, that’s a long time. How do you hold on to hope?

Barbara
5:49 am November 20th, 2011

You keep going, praying, being positive and hope one day they will know what they have to do-the other side of that is your fear, anxiousness, the feeling in your gut that turns you upside down and inside out that you one day might see you child laying on the sidewalk -like the people you see” that you don’t really want to see” -that’s what keeps you fighting for the hope he might figure it out one day-in the mean time I have another son that is very supportive. For any parent that has a drug addict child-my heart goes out to you and your family-of all the things I have done in my life-this is by far the most heart wrenching-to all that might read this-I really believe that there is hope in any child

Carrie
3:27 pm December 1st, 2011

I am the mom of a 21 year old intrevenous heroin addict. He is currently sectioned to a detox for 21 days. I spoke to him yesterday and he sounded so happy. I feel that I keep myself very detached from him because my little sister has been an addict for 14 years and I got so sick of the lies and destruction from her, I almost feel like it is impossible for one to get clean. I love him so much and I cry every night, but I always tell him how much I love him and how much I miss that prescious, smart beautiful little boy. I just want him back, but his girlfriend that he sooo in love with is addicted to perks and he doesn’t see anything wrong with that…therefore, he will keep going back. It is a vicsious circle. :(

Darlene ONeill
7:11 pm December 2nd, 2011

Should I tell my 37 year old daughter’s counselor about all the negative things that my daughter has done over the years with her addiction to percoset and alcohol?? She has been abusive to her children, partying all night, kids missing school, arguments with her landlord when she is high to the point where her landlord wanted to call child protective services. Should I betray my daughter and mention all these type of things? She will hate me. Please help me.
Thank you.

6:54 pm December 3rd, 2011

Hi Darlene. Thanks for your question. I think that you know the answer to your question already. Although you are in a difficult position, you still have a responsibility to your grandchildren and your daughter. If you know more about your daughter’s behavior and think that becoming honest about it can help her or her children, I think that you would be doing the right thing to tell her counselor about her actions. What is hidden will be revealed in time.

Barbara
5:58 am December 17th, 2011

Hi all, the holidays are here for all of us! Wishing you the best and know what this time of year brings. The last 6 weeks have been great for us as a family-moved my son bank into a sober environment -he is doing really well( as far as I know). I have had to distance myself and stop asking so many questions-mostly for my own well being-at 29 I told him this was his last gift and he had to make it on his own. My life has come back into some order-my house is safe-I can finally sleep at night! Don’t know if any of you have been there-but I have had to let go and hope to god what I have taught him as an early child and young adult will finally sink in. Happy holidays to all

Denise
10:42 pm December 23rd, 2011

Thanks, Barbara, for your good wishes. My own daughter is now 23 years old. I have been living with her addiction for 9 years (that I know of). Have been through things that I never thought I would see, much less in my own home. Have survived things that I never thought I could.

Forums like this one are invaluable. We need to know that there are others who are just like us. And that we all can survive.

For support, I really recommend looking for a local Al Anon group, especially if there is one that focuses on parents. If there is none near you, there are some good phone meetings and on line groups.

It’s hard to remember this all the time, but if we don’t take care of ourselves, there will be no one to help our addicted children or anyone else in our family.

Peace and strength to all.

Michele
8:02 pm December 27th, 2011

I have a 20 year old with drug addiction and dual diagnosis of mental health. He is also facing criminal charges for using a stolen credit card. He is currently in his 4th rehab and I’ve moved him to Florida for the first time to try and remove him from this drug induced environment he keeps going back to when he leaves rehab. I feel like he needs to be in a long term environment where he can get help and begin to find himself but we only get 28 days and then he is out on his own. I’m hoping that moving him to Florida away from all his “toxic friends” will help him, but I know I won’t be able to keep him there forever…. I just can’t do this anymore with him, it’s been two years and I’m exhausted… any advice as it’s more than just drugs!

CL
3:30 am December 28th, 2011

Michele,

If you haven’t looked into Covenant House in Orlando, it may be an option as they have a young adult residential program.

Hope this helps.

Barbara
6:02 am December 28th, 2011

Thank you Michele and Denise,
Wow, I know the feeling of confusion, lost, why, how could this happen, what’s going to happen and how is this going to end and how do I fix it. Unfortunately, we as parents can’t fix it-we can love, show support and try and guide-we can never remove them from toxic situations-because they are there own toxic situations-no matter where you move them to or put them into to until they want to do it themselves it won’t ever change-I have been on this path for now seriously 14 years that I know of-it could have been longer-as I age-it hastens the process-I have been through many programs, therapists, councelors, mentors, friends, doctors and exhausted my family -I can say that it does start to get better- if they truly want to change-but they are also artists of lies, theft and breaking your heart over and over again-the road to recovery is bumpery than anyone has ever been able to put into writing-wish you well-god speed

Michele
3:27 pm December 29th, 2011

Thank you Barbara, the line you wrote about being an artist of lies rings so true in my mind. That I am wrapping myself around the fact that I have to stay strong and basically told him last night, you are the only one who can save yourself. It is your choice, he is regretting his decisions and wishing he would have made better choices but I kindly reminded him, I’ve heard this all before and that real changes need to be made for himself and it’s not easy. That life is not easy and all my love for him isn’t going to change that he is a drug addict and that he can make a choice but the right choice will be the one he has to live with for himself. We have had him in therapy for over 12 years for mental illness and he is a master of telling them what they want to hear. I told him, please stop apologizing to me as those are empty words, my love for you will never lessen but the bridges are burned with trust and that only his actions can rebuild or keep them like that. His Dad has never had to deal with any of this and now he’s in Florida getting a 101 on drug addiction and I see his hope and I can’t warn him, I can only tell him, look he will tell you what you want to hear, you can’t fix him… If he could be fixed by someone else I am sure I would have been successful by now, but I know only he can do this. I love him, God how I do but I can’t save him….

maggie
12:43 am December 30th, 2011

my son is 18 and a addict is drug of choice is pills he been doing them for about 3 years we did drug programs nothing helps he almost die in january cut his arm right down to the bone wrecked every car i owned everything he say s is a lie got arrested for dui still hasn t stop steals wat ever he can when he s high wrecks the house want s to fight i am so sick over him but i m also tried he s on probation n has to drug test next month i m hoping he comes up dirty so he can t get no drugs maybe it will help i no i can t i love him so much i cry all the time i m afraid to come home i never no wat he ll b doing it is so hard

Deb
11:57 pm January 5th, 2012

CL or Anyone, please- do you know of any good rehab program for adult males (29) yrs old? No inusrance, and my bank account has been drained down to a dollar. I get pd every 2 wks a fairly good salary, but have had to cash my 2500 ira, everything to cover bill. My son wants help -there just doesn’t seem to be alot of available resources in NE that have track record success. Nor on online unless you have 10 k to spend. I don’t. I have a dollar for us to live on for 8 days and I make too much for even food pantries. Please- make suggestions for rehab programs U might know of. This would be his 2nd time around and is also now on Methadone tx as well

Hope
8:39 pm January 6th, 2012

I have a 22 year old daughter that has been a heroin addict for the past 3 years. She has overdosed and gone to emergency five times. The first time she overdosed she was left laying in a park after her boyfriend shot heroin in her arm, Had he not called 911 she would have died. She has lied, stolen from and manipulated us to get her drugs. We had to kick her out of the house in order to get her to even agree to try a rehab program. She finally agreed to try rehab last year and completed an in house program after 3 mos. She was healthy and seemed well, but started using again within one week. She can no longer live in my home because she has stolen so much from us. I have been told by my ex and my current husband that this happened to her because I allowed her to have too much freedom and was not a good parent while I was a single mother during her Senior year in High School. Having this on my conscious has caused me to want to do whatever I can to help fix her situation. There are so many nights I don’t sleep with worry I will receive a call that she is dead. I cry all the time when I think about her situation.I can only hope that she will reach her darkest hour and want to help herself change her life I thank you so much for sharing the 10 truths, it has certainly helped me.

1:50 am January 7th, 2012

Hi Deb. Try searching the SAMHSA treatment directory for local treatment centers near you. You can select treatment options by state or zip code, or do a nation wide search on their database.

Bernita
2:01 pm January 17th, 2012

My son is a three time cancer survivor. Had a brain tumor when he was 6 years old. then he had AmL Luekemia about 4 years later. And another brain tumor a few years after that. Now he is 18 years old and oh my God. Hes on drugs I don’t know where he is. He was in collage and in high school. Senior Hes in trouble with the law. I struggle with getting a lawyer. He keeps on getting in more and more trouble. He says he doesn’t want my help. He says I help him to much. I know hes going to go to jail. My son is only 83 pounds. So hard to let go.

4:50 pm January 17th, 2012

Hi Bernita. Your son is probably experiencing an incredible amount of pain, as well as neural damage to his brain from the cancer. My heart goes out to you and him, as you try your best to navigate what is best. Would a support group like Al-Anon help you?

LRC
6:19 pm January 17th, 2012

Deb and Hope,
Deb, have you looked into any programs thru your state? There are programs that will pay for inpatient drug treatment if your son meets their criteria and is willing to go. Call your local Medicaid office for more info. You can also call your local Crisis unit, a local hospital social worker, or detox center-they will all be able to point you in the right direction. Don’t spend your last dime on treatment. You might also check with local homeless shelters-some have free programs for people who want to get better. His desire for treatment is the key here. Hope-remember, you did the best you could raising your child. You probably did a great job. Guilt and blame do NOTHING for you and your adult child. It keeps you “stuck” and unable to move forward. Counseling or Al Anon can be of great help to you. Try to keep perspective, your child is making his own choices. You have NO control over what she does now.
My daughter is now in jail-4 felonies, res burg, theft, meth possession. Stole from my elderly, frail father in the middle of the night. I found her car, saw his wallet inside and called the police. It sounds harsh, but she is now relatively safe in jail. I love this kid, but she is 26yrs old yesterday. I am not a religious person, but every day I ask God to walk with her. I also remind myself that it is out of my control. You have to let go and let God, so to speak.

Christmas from Hell!
12:46 am January 20th, 2012

Just before Christmas I found out that my soon to be 18 years old daughter is drug addict. The shock, devastation, grief, scare… I am not even sure why my heart didn’t stop that night, but since then I am at lost, complete mess. There was a hint of that or this, but I guess disbelief or not wanted to admit the real problem finally found the real truth. After the initial shock I took her to doctor , who are also our Church Pastor being shame and all I told him my worries and suspicions. And truth be hold, the test showed …She is not only smoking weed, but using crystal meth, some kind of cocktail mix ,heroin and something called” Chasing the dragon” This is once a very bright child, who are Silver Champion medalist in our Province of Wrestling and went all the way to be the best 4th in the country in just short 5 month of wrestling. Who had so much potential . Big dreams….. Who used to counsel other children about drugs and all. The one who were Baptise at age of 14. Who always was so careful with money, then the steeling start, lying, coming home high…! I am a single mom on disability , did all my best to give her everything forgetting about myself. What did I do wrong? Where did I fail her?….I am total mess ! I am right now speed educating myself about drugs, desperately seeking and searching help. I am not ready or willing to wait till she heat the rock bottom as I am afraid that she wont have strength to get up or seek help. Nor I want to kick her out of house as I have no strength physical or emotional or financial to have another funeral as I am scare that will find her in ditch dead. She just come back home after 5 days of being who knows where doing who knows what. And probably will sleep again for 16-20 hours straight. I am scared to death for her well being. Where do I go from here? What do I do?

Linda
5:46 am January 24th, 2012

I am reading your posts… it is a profoundly sad situation. My youngest is a heroin user. He has been near death 3 times, that I know of. He watched his father die and has not let him go. My son turned his back on his children 2 years ago. He is 24. I heard that he uses DMT. He is homeless and far away from me. I found out my other son is using heroin also. He is a motocross racer and has severe damage to his spine and hip. He has had multiple concussions and has brain damage.
He is 26. My son’s fiance` called to tell me that he admitted to using the drug. Both held their father in high esteem though he was a hard drinker and could be quite brutal. My youngest has brought up suicide many times, my 26 yo. has only recently brought it up. They don’t speak to each other very often. I have checked the local community to seek help, but the resources are depleted due to
spike in need. I am numb, and do not feel well as I have recurring C-Diff. I have enabled them both to my own detriment. I know that both are in tremendous pain emotionally and physically. I am numb and probably a bit stunned. Thank you for listening.

Lynda
11:28 am January 31st, 2012

The stresses of society is why some of these young people turn to drugs and yet society can not find it in their hearts to help them.

I also have a destructive son who just seems to want to do nothing other than take drugs. He wont listen to any guidance from me (which is extremely frustrating) and yet I cant go anywhere for help either as these so called ‘experts’ keep saying, he needs to want to help himself before we will help him. So he just keeps on wasting away. Oh dear is this the society we want? I feel so powerless.

Michele
6:37 pm January 31st, 2012

So very hard, it does seem like a waste to see our beautiful children with so much life in them go down this path, right now my son got out of his 4th rehab started back on the drugs again and now we have him in a sober living facility, he seems to be doing well but again, he has to want to get better… I know that is hard to hear but if he could do it with all I’ve tried he would have been clean already but he said I just can’t say NO…. now he is just starting his first step in the 12 steps, which is the first time he has done that even after the 4 times in 30 day rehab! So maybe he wants it now? I don’t know only time will tell and I can continue to pray for his safety and pray for all of your children as well

Linda
11:29 pm February 7th, 2012

My heart just aches for each and everyone here. I wish I didn’t completely understand where all of you are coming from. I too am a mother of a drug addict. My beautiful boy will be 22 next week. He began smoking weed and drinking at 12 years old. Through the years the pills made their way into his life. Now at almost 22 he’s a hard core opiate addict. We ALWAYS practiced tough love and ALWAYS made him accountable for his actions knowing that eventually the consequences would someday take their toll. We approached the whole situation with our eyes wide open. He was kicked out of our home years ago, but he always had some other family believing his tales of being brought up in a horrible home with terrible parents. Someone was always there to rescue him because they believed his drug induced lies, they felt so badly for him and it did nothing but cause his addictions to escalate. Here we are all these years later with our pockets much emptier and our son is none the better for it. We all wish, hope, & pray their “rock bottom” would come much sooner rather than later. Knowing that one day or night we will get a knock at the door or the phone will ring that our precious children are either in jail or dead is something we all live with every minute of every day. All the while alanon/naranon is telling us this is a disease, I don’t buy it. If addiction is a disease then we all have it. Everyone is addicted to something, shopping, food, smoking, intercourse etc. etc. God knows we’ve been around the block for many years when it comes to drug addiction. We’ve read all the books, done all the research. I just can’t swallow the fact that substance addiction is no different than having a legidimate disease like diabetes. I AM powerless to stop this, but my son is not. He has the ability to stop this so called disease. The people with diabetes can not. I love my son with every cell of my body and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to make it all better. But, all I can do is wait patiently and let my child find his own way and give it over to God.

Barbara
5:00 am February 13th, 2012

Linda, no he does not have the power to stop this, it is a disease just like all others. Do you really in your heart believe that this is what he wants from his life and think that he really wants to hurt you and your family- you are his life line-you have to keep fighting and believing in him-if you give up so will he

Linda
5:16 pm February 13th, 2012

We have forced our son to rehab through interventions, threats etc. We just couldn’t live with the fact that he was killing himself and we could not sit idly by and do nothing to stop it. Big lesson, it did nothing but empty our pockets. We would set up sober living and he would refuse to go. Once out of rehab he was back to the same old destructive behaviors. It took us years and thousands upon thousands of dollars to finally learn that no one can help Jake except Jake himself. He is 6’4″ and can’t weigh anymore than 120 lbs. He looks like a walking corpse. He is virtually homeless, sleeping from couch to couch with so-called friends. His unemployment checks will stop coming soon. We KNOW he cannot last much longer. Still, he has not hit the point of surrendering. Not forcing him into rehab once again doesn’t feel right in the heart. Although, my rational brain tells me he has to want to get clean and stay clean himself. It is a good possibility that I will loose my child before he surrenders. We are desperate people and there is nothing we can do with our desperation except trust in God. I know all of you know the feeling. God Bless each and every one of you.

M Moore
4:28 am February 14th, 2012

i’m glad to know that i am not alone in this my daughter is a drug addict who has stolen from our home hurt her family with lies you’re stories help me see there are more out there like me who need help dont know what will happen now hope she sees this is not the way

Linda
2:39 pm February 14th, 2012

My beautiful 28 year old daughter is a Meth addict. She started using at age 16. I thought she had beat this 7 years ago. Just found out that no..in fact she had just gotten very good at hiding it. the jobs lost..always something. No money, ?? Her husband of 3 years left her, lost yet another job. So many lies that have come to light…
she just left a 7 day rehab/depression clinic. she left happy, alert and ready to beat this. Well within 3 days out..i am seeing what i think are the same signs..of using again. The stories are not adding up..

I took her to the grocery store, bought some food, stopped and put gas in her car and armed her with 3 packs of smokes. could i loan her 20? No I said, I am sorry but no cash will be given to you, need food I am there.

then yesterday, just 2 days after I saw her, she is crying on the phone. Hates herself, her life..all of it. I said call your group..talk to someone? She siad to me..i can’t i screwed up and I can’t. Then hung up..I called back..she said to me. Mom i love you it is me i don’t love and to please leave her alone.

OMG..just don’t know now what to do. My husband says leave her be..let her work this out. How can i leave my only daughter in dispare like this.

does anyone know..
I am just

Lynda
10:10 pm February 14th, 2012

Has anybody had any success with Toughlove? I am attempting to enforce this on my son at the moment and was wondering whether someone had a positive experience from using this strategy?

Linda
11:43 am February 15th, 2012

does anyone else feel this lost? this ..how can I say it…like I am in a pit with no way out?? I feel like I have lost who I am with all of the ups and downs of dealing with a addict. The drama, the lies, no sleeping…will this be the day she either OD’s, Kills herself out of drepression or is arrested?? Seems like all the joy is gone from my life, only worry and concern left!

I am just so tired..so worn out.

Linda
6:13 pm February 15th, 2012

Lynda,
We’ve been practicing “tough love” for years. In theory I think it would work wonders. Although, EVERYONE has to be on the same page. For them to hit rock bottom they have to of lost everything and everyone (so they think). Our problem is wishy-washy grandparents and some old family friends (not friends anymore obviously). They all agree to the plan of action, then when things get really bad they come and rescue him time and time again. Right now we’re going through it with Grandma. Our son is calling saying he is cold, hungry and homeless and he needs help. She cannot help herself and gives him money (how dumb can she be?). He plays her big time. I see him posting on facebook and he doesn’t even have a computer, or anything else for that matter. Obviously, he’s not homeless. He just wants money for drugs.
For tough love to work everyone that otherwise would help him MUST be on the same page. Consistency is the key. Make your set of rules for yourselves and stick to them no matter what. Some families are stronger than others. Apparently, my son’s grandmother as well as those old family friends will not be happy until my son kills himself through his drug use. I hope this helps. God bless you.

LRC
5:43 pm February 16th, 2012

My dtr stopped by yesterday-she is not supposed to come to my home, but she did anyway. She looked so awful, skinny, skin color not right, so sick looking. She also looked like she was under the influence of something (she is a meth addict, alcoholic, and other drugs). She of course denied using-so I sent her away. I felt ill that day. It is better if I don’t see her. To those who are just starting out on this awful journey-get a counselor, a good one. They will help you find your own way to set boundaries and deal with the guilt. Guilt does no one any good. Talk to others, you’d be surprised how many people have similar stories. Don’t spend your last dollar on treatment-it is unlikely to help. The addicts themselves are the ONLY ones who can make a change. As parents, we are powerless. I tell my dtr I love her, and I will stand by her, but the rest is up to her. I have become sort of emotionally distanced over the years. A person cannot live being in that emotional turmoil all day, every day. The best thing you can do is get help yourself, become educated about addictions (and ways the addict will manipulate you), and stay strong. If they do get help and get better, you can then be there for them.

Linda
5:55 pm February 16th, 2012

To the other Linda,
We all feel that loss, that waste. My suggestion is to get to some Nar Anon or Ala non meetings. There you will be taught to live a happy functional life despite our drug or alcohol addicted loved ones. There we are taught not to create a crisis, but to also not prevent one from happening. It is not a magic bullet, but it somehow makes our lives manageable. Please LInda, find the joy that does exist in your life again by going to the meetings. 1 meeting will not even scratch the surface. Stick to it and eventually you begin to see that life during and after drug abuse is possible. I did. That doesn’t mean I am not worried, scared and disappointed, it just means I know what to do with those feelings now. Linda B.

Michele
7:14 pm February 16th, 2012

Linda,
I understand how hard it is, I can tell you that I see a therapist every week and she helps me to let go a little bit of that fear. It’s a hard thing to love your child with all your being but cannot save him/her. I want to fix his problems but I know he’s an adult now, there isn’t a band aid and kiss on the booboo that is going to fix this. It’s all consuming at times because you just want them to hit rock bottom, you keep waiting thinking it will be this time and he will get his life together, and yet it’s not. I can only tell you that you can love them without enabling, look for a counselor to help you or a support group… and remember that this is their choice and only they can make this right… no matter how much you want it, it will never change them. Which doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it is their own needs they are thinking about, not what we as parents need them to do!

Linda
12:19 pm February 17th, 2012

Thank you everyone…I will do that. See about a group meeting/counselor. I know I need to do something, this is tearing me apart. I have lost all the joy I used to have for life..and just go day by day thru the motions. Work, pay bills, work and sleep.

Linda
7:58 pm February 17th, 2012

Just when I think I’ve got it all together something big and horrible hits and I’m back in that pit again. First I go through the anger, switch to feeling sorry for myself, fear, with a little more time I convince myself that I am powerless and put it all back into perspective again. I have come to see this pattern over the years. In an odd sort of way it helps knowing what happens in what order. I am a very strong and determined woman, but sometimes it all gets the better of me. We are human. The looming question as to “why” never leaves us. Hardest part is not to let ourselves be defined by what our children are doing. Others judge us that we must of been bad parents. Our drug addicted children tell others we were bad parents so they can gain allies. When I’m in that pit I DO believe I was a bad parent. I’ve allowed my son to convince me that if it wasn’t for me that he would have a happy family. He’s convinced me as well as his grandmother that I am the evil one and that I lie about his drug use and everything else for that matter. When my sanity returns I KNOW I was a very good mother, I DID NOT cause this. I KNOW I could of been the world’s worst mother and I still wouldn’t of been responsible for his drug use. My mother in law chooses to believe a drug addict over me or her own son. We’ve never ever lied to her, but still it’s somehow easier for her to believe that I was responsible, not her grandson. It’s tough, but I will go on. I have to keep myself together for the day my son surrenders to the horrible addiction. I know that won’t be anytime soon, he’s got his grandmother in his corner. Hopefully in the meantime he doesn’t hit his rock bottom by loosing his life. Stay strong ladies. Someday your children may need you to help them kick this demon.

Michele
1:57 pm February 18th, 2012

I want to share something with you all so you know this is not your fault! My mother is a drug addict and an alcoholic. I grew up with cocaine, pot, pills, and drinking. Trust me I had a time in high school where I was wild and felt invincible and “dabbled” in drinking and smoking pot. However I realized I wanted more in my life and I didn’t want to escape to somewhere else to deal with the pain I felt inside. Living with a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) parent who was cheating herself by escaping in this drug life. I had a very hard time growing up and as a “girl child” it was not the safest place for me to be in our family. Do not let your children blame you for their decisions now. There are a lot of people who have had crappy childhoods and have grown up into successful strong people I made a choice to go to college, I had a family early on which wasn’t planned to begin with but I am happy I have three beautiful sons 20, 18 and 15. I have been married to an alcoholic, abuser, divorced, and found the love of my life. We have been raising these boys together for 14 years in a loving, stable, drug and alcohol free home. I’ve let my son’s express themselves however they chose to in their rooms, clothing and music. My oldest son was a challenge even as a baby I knew there was something inside of him that scared me. I don’t mean scared like I was afraid of him, I mean scared like this is going to be his life’s challenges. We started counseling for him on and off since the 3rd grade. He was diagnosed with being Bipolar, ADHD and now possible BPD. He started snorting pills when he was just 15 years old, then the pot, then the drinking, then the Xanax, then huffing, then it was anything and everything he got put in front of him from cold medicine to cocaine! He has an addictive behavior and he also struggles with low self esteem and finds those accepting him to be escaping in the drugs also. I’ve been told his lies go as far back to he was born a crack baby! Should I be upset that he says that? No because I fought my demons as a teenager (never did any hard drugs) and I chose therapy and making a healthy loving home for myself. I asked for help when I was younger because I wanted more in my life and there is so much more living our own children have to do. But this is not your fault, that your child/my child are drug addicts. It is inside of them and the sooner you can separate love and guilt you will realize the demons inside of them are what they have to fight. I will support my son’s fight with every breath, as long as he wants to fight them.. what I will not do is fall into that pit with him. You can offer love as it’s unconditional, I’ve said I love you when he says I hate you! Because in those moments you may or may not see in your children they do love us… they just don’t love themselves….

LRC
11:26 pm February 19th, 2012

I loved Michelle’s comment that no matter how much we want it, we can never change them, and that they do love us, but they don’t think about us, just themselves. I need to remember that when I am feeling upset about the situation. When I’m expending all this emotional energy worrying and fretting about her-she’s out there doing what she does, and I don’t really come into her radar until she’s in jail, homeless on the street, etc. Then it’s oh Mom, please come see me, please help me, put money on my books (which I will never do). I have lived a life without drugs or alcohol, just worked, took care of kids, helped my parents. I have a daughter who does drugs, steals, gives her body for drugs…sometimes I want to move and not give a forwarding address. In a way, somedays I just don’t care. It is too painful too care.

Linda
12:09 pm February 21st, 2012

LRC..i know what you mean about wanted to move aways with no forwarding address.
My daughter says she is atteneding NA meetings, says she is seeing her shrink..but..maybe just too many years of lies i pray she is doing what she says. I do pray for that!

In the meantime, I did something for me yesterday. I went to my own meeting, pulled out and dusted off my daily devontional..and spend a little time relaxing just for me!

LRC
4:10 am February 23rd, 2012

Linda,
I am so glad you did something for yourself! I know this is an addiction blog-but look at our posts-we worry, fret, feel sick, etc. for our adult children’s decisions of which we have no control. When your dtr tells you she is going to NA, seeing her psych-that is good, but I totally understand you not being too excited. You’ve probably experienced this-but my dtr will call and tell me is doing this or that (going to an AA meeting, going to enroll in school, getting a job, etc.) and gets upset when I don’t sound excited and delighted. Telling me those things are meaningless until I SEE big changes, that LAST. The rest is just talk…hard to erase years, and years of lies and good intentions that are never realized. I’ve been irritable this week in part from seeing my dtr looking so awful, lying to me…so I think it’s time for a massage or something (just for me).

Linda
11:32 am February 24th, 2012

Well you are right…the back and forth is meaningless. and i keep getting my hopes up…my fault! My dtr signed up for a 10 day outpaient session…dealing with depression and drug addiction. Very excited about it but with the price of gas going to move into a new motel closer. I speak a lot with her ex husband, to make sure we keep each other updated and don’t let her play one against the other with lies. Well..she found out we check out the stories with each other, and of course we should. We have both been lied to and given so much money this last few years why would we not??
she got angry, almost like a child throwing a tantum..hates him, hates me..wants nothing to do with us! Is not going to go to her therapy..why should she as she said she was doing it for us anyway.
All i could reply yesterday in as calm and a voice as i could…is honey know I love you. The therapy is for you, not for me. It is a way, a start for you to create a happy drug free life for you. I am sorry you hate me, sorry you don’t want to talk to me again..just remember I love you.
Whew…lots lots more went on..but you get the idea. So yet another night of no sleep, did she go check into the motel or did she go use? Is she safe, dipped to 22 degrees last night with snow coming..is she warm? All the thoughts and concerns going thru my head right now.
BUT..i will leave her alone, i will let her find a way. And this TOUGH LOVE is the hardest thing in the world i have ever done!!!

Linda
12:16 pm February 27th, 2012

DTR totaled her car on Friday night. She caused the accident. Was she ‘high’ she says no. Saturday spent most the afternoon with her yelling at me because i would not drop what i was doing and take her to the tow yard. She needed things out of car and NOW. Finally took her saturday evening..my god if the car is any indication of her mind..total mess. Old food, wet clothes, trash and more trash!
Got her things, back to motel and visited for a bit. She is starting the 10 day out patient program for drugs/depression on Monday.

Sunday afternoon..get many many texts..can’t live anymore, taking all my pills, good bye mom..and so on and so forth.

Then sunday night the phone calls start. I don’t care, don’t love her. She can’t be alone anymore, please come and visit with her.Crying, screaming, pleading, begging…acting like a 3 yr old. NO I said..you need to just calm down and work thru this, you have phone number of NA, of the emergancy mental health line. Make some phone calls..talk to them. I am not running over there to hold you hand.

So she ended up walking over the the place she starts therapy with monday am..they were not quick enough in helping her so she walked out. They and thank goodness, called the local PD and she was escorted back. Last i heard from her, she was being admitted.

this was so hard..this weekend. She needs to accept the help, quit fighting it all. The drugs, the depression, the mental problems…all of it
all i can do i pray, and try to keep my own sanity together. I know in my brain i am doing the right thing, know i was a good mom..and none of where she is at is my fault. But in my heart???? cracking that is for sure.

LRC
4:05 am February 28th, 2012

Oh gosh Linda, reading your post I can almost literally feel the pain. What I think when I read this is you know your daughter could be gone when you get up the next morning. When I say gone I mean dead. People who aren’t/haven’t gone through this are shocked when you say these things, but it is the truth, and you’ve come to know it everyday. The reality of how close we are to saying goodbye is right there, all the time. It doesn’t mean we feel no hope, there is hope, just a little. When I read your post, I can feel that you are right in the middle of something you have no control over-you just get to feel all the pain, fear, and desperation. You could go get her, take care of her for the night, but what would that accomplish? They are so good at using us, at pulling at our love for them to get what they want. I usually stay somewhat disassociated from my feelings, but there are times when I feel that kicked in the stomach feeling. Sometimes I get a sudden feeling that she is dead. I am happiest when she’s in jail. My dtr is sick I know. But I also know that she chose this path, she chooses to keep walking this path-unless she takes another path, life will continue this way, until something horrible happens. Linda, I think your heart isn’t cracking anymore, but is just broken. I wonder if the best thing we can say to our drug addicted kids is “no” to any request, unless it is a request to drive them to inpatient rehab.

Linda
3:26 pm February 29th, 2012

Yes LRC it is a daily thought in my mind..is this the day she kills herself. Between the moods of Meth Addiction and the severe depression I wonder. she hates herself, hates what she has done and in a small way I am sure hates the pain she has caused everyone, me her husband, her friends.

I get nightly texts how lonely she is, scared and can’t be alone. No reason to get out of bed let alone live.
so yes every morning i wake up wondering is this the day I get the phone call from the PD?

The facility released her sunday at midnight told her to come to sessions on monday am. She never made it her Therapy on monday. Tuesday she said she went but was 6 mins late, they told her she must make a commitment to wanting the help to be on time.so they sent her home. Is this the truth..who knows.
this am she did text me and said well it is 8:55 i am here and heading into the session.

I am still sticking to my tough love actions, right or wrong they are what I can live with (I hope)..I will make plans with and follow up with those plans. But I will not drop everythng and run when she crys, I will not let her run my life and i will not be at her beck and call. I will give her groceries,but never cash.

My heart is broken, my stomach in knots all the time. My husband is not speaking much to me right now, upset with the situation. (she is his step daughter) So I have never felt more alone in my life.
But I keep plugging along doing what I can to survive and pray daily that she survives and comes out on the sunshine side of it all. But the thought never leaves me..will she?

Michele
3:03 pm March 1st, 2012

Seems like we are all struggling, my son just got put back into acute treatment to detox and now they are looking for a long term facility that will work with him on what he gets for social security disability. He agreed to do a 90 day program, but who knows if that will work… he’s doing spice now at his “recovery” house so he was kicked out…. Never a dull moment

LRC
11:52 pm March 1st, 2012

Linda,
Sounds like you’ve set some good boundaries with your dtr. I don’t think outpt therapy works too well. My understanding is meth addicts need more like a year of inpatient/residential. And of course depression comes with not using meth, and will last a long, long time so that has to be dealt with too. I don’t think I could handle my dtr calling or texting every day like that-I would ask her to stop. Why go thru that agony every day? I rarely talk to my husband about my dtr anymore-she is also his stepdtr and he doesn’t have much connection to her. She’s not allowed to come to our house (although she hasn’t always honored this request), so he doesn’t see her.
What a terrible thing to feel so alone…anyone you can reach out to? Of course there’s Alnon, but a good counselor can be very helpful. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger right?

Hope
9:38 pm March 2nd, 2012

Linda, wow I also feel your pain. My daughter is 22 and has been going through the drug court program the past year for a heroin felony charge and has been in and out out of jail and rehab for the past 3 years. She was recently sentenced to a Half Way house to stay there until there was a bed available at a rehab center for patients with no insurance and she is now AWOL from the Half Way house. They called me Monday looking for her, she was suppose to drive to her court review and never showed up. She did text me that night to tell me she was OK. I told her to turn herself in as they already had issued a warrent for her arrest, but I got no response back. I have been an enabler, I have always helped her when she asked mainly because I feel so bad for her living this terrible life. But as this goes on, I learn and realize I am only doing her harm. She can’t stay in our home, she has stole money, cameras, video games from her little brother, even my husband’s wedding ring. It’s a terrible journey for any parent to have to endure. But the best advice I feel that I have heard from these postings are to love and encourage your loved one to get help and treatment but don’t enable them to use and to always have hope that some day they will get better. You also need to try to remove yourself from the situations they cause by their drug use, the car wreck towing company fees, bank overdrafts fees, putting money on their jail card so they can make calls – what was I thinking?? My husband always says to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. God Bless all of you.

LRC
2:02 am March 3rd, 2012

Michelle,
What is Spice?

Michelle9
6:19 am March 3rd, 2012

Just one of the top jwh brands…..trust me/seic with original
and now i spend cold lonely nights w/o my fiancee. jwh made him a zombie

Michele
8:29 am March 3rd, 2012

Spice is legal bud, synthetic marijuana, in our state it’s illegal but still legal in many states, you can buy at smoke shops and gas stations.

Linda
6:19 pm March 5th, 2012

well i would love to once just say things were calm..but…wishes are just that, wishes!

Saw Dtr on thursday night, thing seems to be okay. then sunday we were supposed to do a few things, drive her to storage..
she called..can we do it later or maybe just come over and hang out, I did not have a good night she said. Okay…well i go over.

She had cut up her arms very badly..one that should have gotten stitches. Said she just got so down and only thing that makes her feel better..cutting or getting high. so mom aren’t you proud of me i did not get high??

came home and just cried and sobbed! My husband of course gets upset with me when i get upset over my daughter…but..guess i have not developed that heart of steel yet?!!!!

But I am working very hard at putting that distance between me and the results of her..car accidents, bills she did not pay, paying for things she ‘needs’..
I mentioned a long term drug/mental health facility I hear promising things..NO WAY is what I got. So ..she will need to go thru this alone.

but most of all..I want to thank you..thank you for this site, for your stories, for listening to me and giving me a place to put down all the pain i am feeling…for helping me know it is NOT my fault and I am NOT along. Thank you all ….

Linda
7:54 pm March 5th, 2012

Linda,
Soooo tough. All of our stories are different, but in the end just the same. I doubt very seriously if any of us truly develop that heart of steel. These are our children and we love them no matter what. We would have to hate to have that heart of steel I think. All we can do is put our faith in our God as we know him. The burden is too great to endure without that, at least for me.
Easier said than done, but please try not to let this consume you. You still have a life to live despite the actions of your daughter. We are all here for a purpose and if we’re consumed with our children’s poor choices then we cannot fulfill our purpose. As for me, I give back to my community and country through charity work. Doing for others in need helps to fill the void I feel. The void is loosing my self destructive son to drug abuse and being helpless to save him. That’s not to say that I don’t fall into the pit of despair every now and then. Naranon and alanon meetings do help A LOT as well.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

LRC
8:16 pm March 5th, 2012

Linda-oh my gosh, the stories on this post are so awful. I can only imagine your dtr wanted you to come over to “see” the cutting she had done. Why else? I don’t know much about cutting, but I do know it adds to the difficulty of the problem. I am so sorry you are going thru this awful stuff. You never get a heart of steel, but you can learn about the addictions in a clinical manner-and keep some emotional distance at least most of the time. If you let down a little, the pain comes flooding at you and it is overwhelming-so closing that door, at least temporarily, is important to survive each day. This post has been helpful to me too-there are so many of us going thru the same things.

Linda
12:32 pm March 9th, 2012

I wish everyone a wonderful weekend. i am praying and praying for a calm one!

Sherry
11:03 pm March 11th, 2012

Linda,
I read your posts and I know exactly how you are feeling. I have two adult sons addicted to heroin. One is in treatment for the second time. He’s been there one week now. The good thing about this time is he called the rehab, waited the 9 weeks for state funding to come through, and checked himself in. I’m hoping that since he wanted treatment this time that it will work. His brother probably needs to be there too, but he won’t admit he has a real problem. I know the anguish of fearing that phone call that says your child has died. The thought of losing one or both of my children to drugs is sometimes so unbearable that I think it may drive me crazy. All I can do is pray that they will be protected until the day comes that they can stay sober. I know how alone you feel because my sons are my husbands stepsons and he is not being supportive at all at this point, so I feel I am in this on my own. We just have to keep going, one day at a time.Sometimes one moment at a time.

Linda
6:17 pm March 12th, 2012

Sherry,
I also have 2 sons with drug issues. One perscription drugs (hillbilly heroin), last I heard he smokes the pills. He may be shooting them up by now. And the other meth. Anyone who has not walked in our shoes just can’t understand the roller coaster nightmare we’re going through. My meth addicted son I rarely hear from. The other keeps us going constantly. One day he wants nothing whatsoever to do with me and the next he’s saying, “Mommy I love you”. The Mommy I love you part always comes first because he wants something from me. The end of our conversations always end up with Mom I hate you, F U, name calling etc. because I am not giving him what he wants. He spends so much of his energy trying to gain allies. The way he does that is to tell people incredibly horrible things about us. They feel sorry for him because he’s got such terrible parents. Before you know it he’s got people hooked into supporting him. His latest ally is his 82 year old paternal grandmother. Now my mother in law believes I am the devil himself. After 35 years of being nothing but good to her and never ever lying to her in any way, she believes a drug addict over me. CRAZY! Granted, my son is so charming and convincing. He’s a master manipulater. Our oldest non drug using son is in disbelief that other family members would actually believe that we were bad parents. I fully understand why they call this a “family disease”. Over the years of our 2 son’s drug addictions has completely ripped our families apart. Even if both my boys were clean tomorrow the scars left behind can never be repaired. If our son’s die from this they will all blame us for not supporting them and we will blame them for supporting them. We have any trust as well as respect we may of had in our extended family members. It’s just horrible.

Marisa
12:32 am March 13th, 2012

My 20 yr old son just got out of his second rehab since Nov. He is a heroin addict among other drugs. He seems to be ok now. He got a job and went to one NA meeting the day after he got out of rehab. Now he doesn’t want to go to the meetings because he says they are depressing and he wants to put it all behind him. I have people telling me since he lives here I should make a rule that he go to meetings and others tell me it has to be his decision. I don’t know who to listen to. I’ve started going to AlAnon but am new to the program. Any advice would be appreciated.

5:06 am March 13th, 2012

Hi Marisa and All,

I wanted to weigh in here. You might want to set up a “contract” with your son. You’ll need to create limits for what he can and cannot do while staying with you. And then consequences for breaking those limits. If he uses again, for example, he also loses the privilege of staying in your home.

You can think of it like you are operating a halfway house, if you choose: creating a structured environment for his recovery. You can drug test weekly. You can require that he go to meetings, either 12 step, or psychological treatment, or self help programs like Rational Recovery or SMART Recovery. There is more to addiction recovery than 12 step. Some halfway houses or aftercare settings require daily attendance at meetings. You’ll need to decide what structure is best, and stick with it.

The contract can also outline rewards for clean time.

Just some ideas here. Please let me know if you would like more.

Best,
Lee

Linda
5:08 am March 13th, 2012

Marisa,
My son went to meetings right after rehab as well. He said the same exact thing as your boy did, they are depressing. He also said he had all the tools from rehab that he needed and he could do it all without the meetings. Guess what……………very soon after he was right back to using again. So much for he knew what he needed to do. I think the meetings give them support from people who REALLY understand them. The support of a sponsor gives them that 1 on 1 that they so desperately need. In my opinion, living in your home, meetings should be the most important criteria for being able to live with you. Just my opinion.
Linda B

Marisa
12:27 pm March 13th, 2012

Lee & Linda,
Thank you for the helpful comments. I’ve just got to be stronger with my decisions. My son has always been very sweet and loving, even when he is using which makes it all the harder to say no. Hopefully by attending more AlAnon meetings and reading more on this subject I’ll get stronger. I just finished a great book “Setting Boundaries with You Adult Children”. Now if I can do what I know I should. Again, thank you for your opinions. They back up what I know to be true in my heart.
Marisa

Sherry
1:59 pm March 13th, 2012

I had one of my sons drug counselors tell me that he could not think of one person who got sober or stayed sober at home – atleast in the beginning. Out of rehab they need to be in a halfway house. Of course there is relapse there too, but there is accountability there that will not exists at home. You may think you will set boundaries, but as their parent we give in too easily, the house manager or owner won’t be that easy on them. They know that one person using puts everyone in the house in danger. My oldest that has been in rehab for 9 days now wants out now that he has finished detox. I said no I won’t pick you up. He may find someone to some get him, but it won’t be me. They will never get better if we don’t start saying no and mean it.As far as meetings, some are better than others so they may have to look around. Also, most of the treatment centers have outreach meetings in many cities which are more like the small groups that they attended during treatment. They can just talk in these meetings about whatever they need to talk about. Check with all the treatment centers in your state and see if they have an outreach program in your area. My sons like those better than NA, also check on Opiates Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous – there are many groups, they just need to find one they like.

Sherry
2:20 pm March 13th, 2012

Linda,
I’m so sorry for all you are going through with your family. No, it is not fair and you don’t deserve the treatment you are getting. It is a heartbreaking sorry and I will pray for you and your family daily. I’m not sure about the hillbilly heroin, but if it’s oxycontin, the formula was changed a while back making it impossible to shoot. If they try and get it to a liquid state to shoot, it turns into a sticky substance. This change was made to keep people from shooting it. This was the time when heroin starting becoming more popular. So, be cautious, mine told me it was oxy for a while, when it was actually heroin. They thought oxy sounded better. I don’t want to scare you, just prepare you.I will pray for the best. My heart goes out to you.

LRC
4:40 pm March 13th, 2012

Marissa,
Just my opinion here…you son needs to go to the meetings, but it is his decision. It is important that he have support, but he needs to do the work, you can’t do it for him. After years of trying to help my dtr, I am now of the opinion that they “own” this disease. It is kind of like diabetes-you can put all the healthy choices on their plate, teach them about managing their blood sugars, but ultimately it is up to them to follow the treatment plan. Going to the meetings for your son is part of the treatment plan. He is making excuses to not go. My dtr’s excuse is that she is not believe in God. So, she would rather destroy herself than believe in a higher power-ridiculous. It is an excuse. I would agree with Linda, set boundaries and stick to them. Best wishes, Lorraine

Marisa
8:37 pm March 13th, 2012

I agree he needs to go to meetings. He became a born again christian when he was 15 yrs old, so I know he believes in God. I’ve asked him to go to a Celebrate Recovery meeting with me tonight. He said he would. It is christian based. He’s been to several NA meetings in the past and even got a sponser but has lost interest in the place. I’m praying he will be comfortable at the new place. Thank you to everyone for the feedback. Please keep him in your prayers!

Marisa
11:32 am March 14th, 2012

LRC, You were so right about his decision and him doing the work. We went to what I thought was Celebrate Recovery (the place I picked) and it had changed to something different. Much older people with completely different issues. I need to focus on setting those boundaries at home as Linda said and stick to them! I’m still a work in progress, living and learning!

Linda
2:56 pm March 14th, 2012

Been reading the above from all of you…and like listening to myself.
My daughter after the last 7 day rehab went to one NA meeting (drepressing) and to only one group thereapy session (boring) and refuses to go to one on one.
She is now moving out of the motel, just too expensive she says into a room with a freind of hers. They are so cool, and like family mom!
LOL..except he rents rooms in the basement as crash pads…
Her ‘best’ friend is a recreational meth addict she says..
But she will be just fine, she knows what she has to do to stay clean.

I pray it will work, but doubt it. to me I am just hearing another one of her fairy tales that i don’t beleive!

Marisa
1:49 pm March 15th, 2012

Sherry, I am going to encourage my son to look for other outreach programs. If he doesn’t do it, should I look for him? He has been clean for 40 days and is working now,(something he has not done for more than a few days in the past). As you said about setting boundaries, I think I can but always give in way too easily. Hopefully AlAnon and prayer will help me to be stronger. It is so hard when you love them so much!

Sherry
2:51 pm March 15th, 2012

Marisa, I know they always say the addict has to do it for themselves,and maybe it is wrong, but I think I would look for the outreach programs myself. So happy to hear your son has been sober for 40 days.I know the programs work if the addict does the work. One of my sons was doing great about a year ago as long as he sayed in the program but as soon as he stopped working the program he went right back to using. I know he still is using. He says not much but I think they probably about twice what they say they do. My other son checked himself into rehab on March 3 but they checked himself out after 10 days. He said he was finsihed with detox and that’s all he needed. He thinks he can do this on an outpatient basis. We all know he can’t. So tired of all of this, sure would love to get my life back. I guess I said all of that to say this. Don’t give an inch. Set the boundaries and stick to them. If you don’t think you can do it with him living at home then get him in a halfway house. If you give in just a little it will be out of control in a heartbeat. You’re so right, it is so hard when we love them so much. We only have to make sure we do not love them to death.

Marisa
3:15 pm March 15th, 2012

Linda
We are all in the same situation it seems. Their fairy tales are our nightmares!
Lee,
I’m leary of setting up a contract of boundaries because I feel like I won’t stick to it and make things worse. Maybe when I feel stronger. I’ve read a whole book on it and prayed everyday for the strength to say no to him, but I still give in. So far he is doing well and drug free but I live in constant fear he will use again.

3:45 pm March 15th, 2012

Hi Marisa. It sounds like you have some self-awareness about what you can do and cannot do. And that is healthy.

Perhaps if you cannot set the limits, find a halfway house that can. I was in treatment for 30 days, and then stayed in a halfway house for 9 months. 12 step meetings and weekly psychological group therapy was mandatory. I could not go home because I was already an adult and did not want to live in the dysfunction of my parent’s lives. So, a halfway house really helped me.

Marisa
11:37 pm March 15th, 2012

Sherry,
My heart and prayers go out to you for having two children to deal with. I will be looking for programs to try. He will go if I ask him to, just because he feels bad for what he has put us through. He really feels he can do it on his own but I know he needs help. If he won’t get into some program I will definitely look into a halfway house. He is doing so well now I don’t want to discourage him by sending him to a halfway house . The first sign of trouble I will have to. I would also love to get my life back!

Rhonda
1:22 pm March 20th, 2012

My cousin has struggled through recovery. I finally found Freedom Farm Ministries and he seems to really enjoy it. He hasnt been there long, but seems really excited to be there. It is christian based and they keep them busy in the community it is a year long program and I found a church that would help us with the money for it. They also help them find jobs later to pay for it. Hope this helps some of you. I did alot of leg work to find help but the Lord helped me in a very short time.

mary
1:50 am March 25th, 2012

I’m reading through all of your stories and comments and my heart is just breaking- for all of you. 10 months ago on May 30th 2011, I lost my son to addiction. I am still searching for the same answers that all of you are. Even though my son is gone, I will not allow his death to be in vain, I will carry on to support others who are going through what we endured for 12 years. My son’s addiction began as a dependency to oxycontin following a terrible car accident when he was 19. He returned to a seemingly normal life of work, friends, etc…until the bottom dropped out at age 28 when he lost his job. HIs addiction spiraled out of control until he nearly died of a heroin overdose. He embraced rehab and was doing very, very well. We will never know why after 6 months of sobriety he chose to use heroin while in rehab and die alone in his room of a massive overdose. My prayer for each and every one of you is that you never have to experience this side of addiction. Keep fighting the fight, not just for the addict in your family but for yourselves. Find comfort and surround yourself with those you love, who you can draw strength from. God Bless you all.

LRC
7:41 pm March 25th, 2012

Mary,
I am so, so sorry. I think this is all of our worst fears realized, I know it is my worst fear. How do you cope? How to you make sense of this? What do you do to heal? I know unless something changes, this will be the outcome for my dtr. People say to stay hopeful, and I do have hope, just enough to keep me from falling apart. Sometimes I think everything I did while raising her is meaningless, like it wouldn’t have mattered. I am so angry at times for the things she does that go against everything she was taught as a child (like stealing, shoplifting, etc., etc.) I don’t need to elaborate on the other things she likely does, most of us know too well. Thank you for sharing your story, I have so many questions for you. My wish for you is to be able to find joy again, despite this horrible tragedy.
Best wishes,
Lorraine

Marisa
8:30 pm March 25th, 2012

Mary,
I’m so sorry that you had to go through every parents nightmare. I will keep you in prayer. God Bless you!

jack
5:26 am March 26th, 2012

Jail is the only possible help an heroin addict has. Mandatory detox and it is not pleasant. Not at all. It is hardcore. Nobody wants to go back and most will go to great lengths so they don’t; especially if parents don’t “help” them when there inside. The inside is a very good way to hit rock bottom……….

Linda
11:02 am March 26th, 2012

Mary,
I am so sorry to hear of the death of you Son! that is a horror none of us ever want to go thru. Thank you for your prayers and support, and I also pray for you!
I ran into a friend I have not seen in 2 years..and as always she asked about my daughter and I her son. Her son while recovering from a gunshot in Iraq, became addicted to oxycontin. I then told her of my daughter and her meth addiction. Like on here, stories are all different, and yet the same!
So much can happen in such a short time..and just goes to show no one is safe from what addiction in your family does!
My heart goes out to her, to each and everyone of you on the blog..without this blog i surely would have gone insane with it all.
I thank you, and I pray daily for you!

Sherry
2:58 pm March 26th, 2012

Mary,
I don’t think I can say anything that you haven’t already heard, I just want you to know that I too am so sorry for all you have had to go through. My heart breaks for you. I think all of us wonder ever day if this is going to be the day we get that worst of all news. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for your support of other parents that are coping with life with addicts. May God through His unending mercies grant you a peace that passes understanding and fill your life with people to hold you up and bring you comfort. I will pray for us all today.

Linda
4:51 pm March 26th, 2012

Oh Mary, we can imagine your pain, but cannot truly understand. My deepest sympathies for you and your family.
I suppose all the questions we have as to “why??” things have turned out like they have may never be answered. I guess that’s ok. We just need to trust in God and be at peace with that. What else can we do?
Having 2 sons with addictions gives me even greater chances that I will someday receive that horrible call or open the door to the same tragedy as you have. It’s a terrible way to live knowing that at any time it could happen. You’ve realized our worst fear. Even though you are just words on a page and I don’t know you personally I honestly feel my heart breaking for you. May you find the peace that you deserve in God’s loving arms. Linda B

Michele
6:28 pm March 27th, 2012

What Linda just wrote is so true. I will never give up hope that my son can beat this, but I am not turning a blind eye either! I fear he will be gone before me and my life as I know it will STOP…. I often have the Why’s and that is something that I am struggling with, even after all this time. I just hope there is still hope out there…. I want to hear a good story.. a story of success….. to many tragedies instead……

Shannon
6:10 pm March 29th, 2012

I have read through all of the stories on this page and my heart breaks for everyone. In our family we have lost two young men and one young lady to the drugs they chose. They all passed away wthin a year, so it has been hard on everyone in the family. All six of the parents did everything they could to help their children, but it all came down to the choices the adult children chose.

My own son started using meth in his teens. He put us through so much worry, struggle, cost us lots of money for attorneys, bail, commisary because he ended up going to prison a couple of times.

At 23 he was released from prison and moved back home. He applied for job after job but was turned down due to his felony record. We finally put him into business for himself and did pretty well for almost 7 years. He would drink a little, but no drugs. Then he hired a meth addict, and the man offered him some. One time and he was totally hooked.

Everything changed. He became violent, started stealing from us, and we kicked him out of our home. From there the drug use got worse, and he even walked away from his business.

Not sure what to do next, we were through enabling him, we went to a county sponsored program that was suppose to court order an adult into at least a diagnosis. I filled out the forms to get the court order and put down that at one time he had high blood pressure. The nurse came out and told me they couldn’t help him because of the high blood pressure. I explained that it had been more than a year since I had checked it, and since then he had lost 40 pounds on the meth, so I didn’t even know for sure he had it.

I started to argue with her because my son really needed some real help. She told me she was going to speak with her supervisor and came back with a list of 9 hospitals. She said I had to call the hospitals and if I could find a room they would help. 8 of the 9 hospitals had criteras that in no way fit a drug addicts problems, like you had to be over 65, finally the last hospital told me they had a room, however he would have to come through the emergency room. Thrilled, I ran to the reception desk and told them I had found a room, and they would take him through the emergency room,at which I was told they don’t do that. They would not take him through the emergency room. I believe one of the big problems is we, the parents of drug addicts, do not receive any help from our government communities.

My son was just arrested for drug possession of less than 1 gram of a controlled substance. Our understanding DA offered him 10 years in prison if he didn’t have a jury trial, and threatened him that he would probably get 20 if he had a trial. His court appointed attorney doesn’t act like she is going to fight for him, so I do not know what is going to happen.

I love my son so much, and I am helpless. The panic and saddness is more than I can handle. I do not understand why our court system does not see these addicts as people who need help, but think caging them like animals in gang infested prisons is the answer.

When my son isn’t on drugs he is a caring, sweet, generous, hard working young man, but the meth is stronger than he is, and pulls him in away he can not resist.

I pray all of you find peace in your situation. It is not your fault they are on drugs, it is their own choice. It is my hope that somehow they will develope a program for the addicts, and not just lock them away like animals. 12 months in a rehab prison with the help they really need would be nice.

LRC
3:53 am March 30th, 2012

Maybe as parents we should all take a look at Jack’s post. He sounds like he has experience from the other side of our stories. Our kids are manipulative-like getting us to bail them out, put money on their books when their in jail, begging us to visit, begging us to take their calls (which are expensive from jail), begging you to let them come home because it will all be “different” from now on. Then it all start again, the lying, the stealing…putting themselves and sometimes you in danger. So Jack, I am glad you posted. My dtr will say “Mom, I’m sorry I’m a drug addict”. What a cop out-it is like me saying “well, sorry, but I’m just an enabler” and continuing the same behavior. She is responsible for her addiction, just as I am responsible for how I react to it. Love isn’t enough to battle this problem. We love them into the grave.

Linda
12:20 pm April 8th, 2012

Easter. Just brings on the flood of memories long past! I am working today, just to keep myself busy.
Remembering my beautiful daughter…as a toddler, a young girl and even a teenager. Remembering her as she was.
I just finished Beautiful Boy, heart wrenching book and as with all the stories i hearand have read so close to home.
I saw a counselor finally last week..something i have known I needed to do, but so very scared to do it. Afraid not of being judged, not of telling this story, but of cracking the very very thin shell that keeps me together..keeps me functioning and living each day. I know with my intellegince I need to let it out, to talk to someone..but don’t want to lose control.
I will be starting attending the local Alalon meetings on Thursday nights, a dear friend and parent of a addict is going with me. Weds i start a belly dancing class..hoping i can laugh outloud for a while..the thought of 50 plus women doing this makes me smile at least.
I know i need to start taking care of myself…to stop waking each hour to check my phone and wonder how my daughter is..is she high, is safe. Today I know she is alive, as she filed her unemployment claim which gives me a little peace.
So…this is the week of those changes…most likely 2 steps forward and 1 back is what i truly expect. LIke with all of us, it is a long hard battle.
So on this Easter Day with all the memories flooding back I am doing all I can to remember this, and this is the hardest thing for me to remember..I cannot cure it, I cannot control it and most of all I did not cause it..
God Bless to all, and I am thinking of each of you today.
Linda W

Linda
6:04 pm April 9th, 2012

Linda W.
Easter was difficult for me as well. Outside on a beautiful spring day watching our little grandson hunt for eggs brought back so many memories of Easter egg hunts done so long ago with our 3 sons in this very same place, So cute, full of life, and excited. This year only 1 son was here. I did feel some pleasure watching my son with his son. Generally my youngest son at least calls to yell at me on holidays. Nothing this this holiday. My husband asked, “would you rather be yelled at on a holiday”? I thought about it for a second and said yes. It’s so sad I’d rather be screamed at than not hear from him at all. Everyday is hard, holidays are torture.
Linda W., I love the way you explained the very thin shell and afraid of cracking it. I know the feeling, but never knew how to put it in words.
Does anyone else feel like they are mourning? I so much feel like I’m mourning 2 deaths (2 of my 3 sons). The feelings are exactly the same as if someone has died.

Marisa
10:28 pm April 9th, 2012

Linda, May God bless you also! Your decision to go to AlAnon is very good. It will help you more than you can imagine.Take care of yourself and let God take care of your daughter. He will if we turn it over completly to Him. I’ll be praying for you and your daughter!
Marisa

Sherry
2:22 pm April 11th, 2012

You are so right. Holidays are very difficult. My husband won’t allow either of our sons in our house and has refused to speak or see them for the past 3 months, so Easter was difficult. I went to lunch with my sons, my daughter and her baby went to spend the day with the baby’s dad’s family and I’m not sure what my husband did at lunch. It was just so sad for me that we couldn’t all be in the same place at the same time. I couldn’t help but think back to the times when all the kids were young and things were so different. I thought about all of you that day and said a prayer that everyone was safe and one day soon would be healed of this disease of addiction.

The thin shell analogy is also so true.. I have often thought that and that we are all holding on by a very fine thread and at any moment something could come along and snap that thread. I think that could be one reason I haven’t gone to any counseling. Afraid of snapping that thread and falling apart. It could all just unravel, and then I just don’t know.

I do think we are all in mourning. We are mourning the loss of all the hopes and dreams of what we had for our children. We are mourning the loss of the life we wanted them to have, we are mourning the loss of the child that is missing right now. We know that person is inside the addict, but we can’t reach them right now. I think we are also mourning the loss of our own life. I know I feel as though my life has been stolen from me. This is not the life I ever thought I would have. I guess it’s just one moment at a time.

Hoping everyone has a good day. Stay strong.

Camille
3:44 pm April 11th, 2012

Thank you for writing this. I needed to read it.
My son is now 20, and has been troubled for many years. I have friends with younger children who dont understand why I made the choices I made, so I always feel that much worse of a parent, and am always going over what I did wrong. I never allowed the behavior in my home, and had him sent away as a teen for drugs and destructive behavior, – but that was harder on me then him I believe. He went to a boarding school for teens with behavioral problems, which helped both of us at the time. When he came back, as soon as he turned 18 he ran away to live with his dad. He did graduate high school, with my help and encouragement. But since has done little. He swears he will always smoke pot because it is the only thing that makes him feel better, but then falls into deep depressions. His dad died in his sleep a few months ago at the age of 43. He had lived a life of drugs, fighting and excess drinking. My son remained at that residence, because he didnt want to stop smoking pot to move back home with me. My friends dont understand how I could make that choice. As if it is not hard enough, they try to get me to see that I should let him back home, but they dont understand how awful it is when he is there. Which makes me question every decision I have made even more. Which makes me go over and over in my head – where did I go wrong? And what is wrong with me that I wont let him back home like this?

Yesterday I was in the middle of oral surgery at the dentist, and I was pulled out of my chair by the secretary at the dentist office. My husband told me to get to the local hospital ASAP. He asked if I could drive. I said I could if he just didnt tell me what was going on. I knew just from what hospital he told me to go to something happened to my son. So I drove not knowing if he was alive or dead. He was alive, thank God. He had ingested over 30 pills, and was found in the basement of the home where he is staying unresponsive. He was open to going into the crisis center, but when I asked him about his drug use, he sees no connection, and doesn’t understand why I suggest he stop.

I dont know what to do anymore. How do you let go? I cant, and I dont think that is the right answer. So I looked on the internet and found your words, and this is exactly what I needed to read, need to hear. I am so happy that you shared this with me, and I know it will help not only me but many others as it appears to have.

Thank you

LRC
4:02 pm April 11th, 2012

Sherry (and everyone),
We are definitely mourning. My dtr called from jail the other day-I hand’t heard from her for several weeks so I was relieved she called. I am so happy she is in jail. Since she got out of jail in Feb she has just been doing lots of drugs (meth, alcohol, etc.), stealing and who knows what else. So she got caught shoplifting, was found to be driving a stolen car with stolen items in it. Another felony. It is frustrating they keep letting her out. So it sounds weird that I’m happy she’s in jail right? Not to people like us. You mentioned you are afraid of counseling-I definitely recommend you find a good counselor and go, it can be a tremendous help. There is a bood called “When our Grown Kids Disappoint Us” (recommended by my counselor). It would be good to read. We mourn the loss of what we’d hoped for our kids. Lately I’ve been finding humor in this whole thing; if you look you can actually find humor in a sort of twisted way. Can’t cry about it all the time. Just have to let it go and give it to God. And counseling-it helps.

Linda
4:06 am April 12th, 2012

It helps so much to communicate with others who fully understand what we’re going through. nar anon, al anon, this venue etc. are a huge sources of support. Friends and family who have never walked in our shoes just can’t understand this horrible life that we live everyday, They call this a family disease, oh boy do I get that. Throughout both of my son’s addictions it has torn our families completely apart. Seems like everyone has an opinion and everyone is so quick to point the finger at us as parents. It’s a nightmare of a life all the way around. Although, when we take control of our emotions and give it all up to God we can have a happy and productive life despite the nightmare that looms in the background. If we don’t do that then drugs destroy us as well. God gave everyone free will and he will not take it away. Our children must exercise their free will to rid themselves of this demon just as they exercised their free will to get in this mess in the 1st place. Unfortunately, no one can do it for them.
God Bless each and every one of you.
Linda B.

Marisa
12:25 pm April 12th, 2012

Linda B. How true your words are! It is a big step to give it all to God, but the best one you can take. Thank you for sharing. God Bless you and everyone going through this nightmare.

mary
12:17 pm April 15th, 2012

Just want to say……I am so grateful for this blog, a place where we can all go to express our feelings, our condolences and give support to those who are experiencing the living hell that no one other than the loved one of an addict can truly understand. THANK YOU ALL for your kind words of hope and support following my story which was posted on 3/25. Linda asked: how do I cope? the love of family, friends and my faith for sure. Michelle, I hear you! How about some stories of encouragement! I have one: 40 year old husband, father and heroin addict. Hit his “rock bottom” at a family get-to-gether where he od’d in front of his wife and kids. He is now 2 years clean, has recently begun to share his story with others in hopes to provide light and encouragement to those who are suffering from addiction. I pray everyday that our loved ones can realize a life free from this horrible disease. Bless you all, be well.

pam
9:38 pm April 15th, 2012

I feel somewhat better that I found this blog…..I sometimes feel that I am the only one going through this…and I so blame myself……My husband and I were good parents… not the best parents but I know we weren’t the worse by any means….It seens that all around us have children who are doing well and succeeding and it just reinforces my anguish….

Linda
5:44 am April 17th, 2012

Pam,
Even if we were the world’s worst parents it would not justify our children’s actions. Example: my daughter in law was brought up by addicted parents who neglected their children, used their children’s ss#’s to get credit and didn’t pay (these kid’s credit was ruined before they were 13 years old), dumped their kids off on anyone who would take them, the parent’s drug addict friends raped their children……..I could go on and on. My point is my daughter in law is the most wonderful young woman, mother, and wife. She was smart enough to know that she did not want to be like her parents. This poor girl was raped, neglected, and didn’t have the bare necessities in life growing up. She took the bull by the horns and took control of her own life and became a beautiful woman inside and out. Then, there’s people like us who gave our children nothing but love and support (maybe too much) and we have children who are just a mess. If my daughter in law grew up to be like her parents she would at least have an excuse. What’s our kid’s excuse? That we weren’t perfect? I say, fooey on that.
It took me quite some time before I stopped blaming myself for my son’s addictions. Although, my addicted sons still blame me. I don’t listen to that anymore, it doesn’t get to me. I KNOW that I was a more than adequate mother. None of us are perfect, but my sons never endured anything earth shattering other than me giving the normal, run of the mill discipline and setting boundaries.
Pam, please rise above it all and see it for what it really is. This is not your fault. Your child’s choices are just that, your child’s choices. Do not take responsibility for their actions. This is the hand we were dealt. It’s horrible, devastating, embarrassing, and most of all heartbreaking. As terrible as it is we NEED to make choices as well. Make the choice to have a good and productive life despite our children’s addictions and our helplessness to fix it. Giving it over to God will take the weight of the world off your shoulders.
Mary, thank you for that wonderful story. Stories like that give us all hope that someday our nightmares may be over.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you ladies.
Linda B.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

pam
11:30 am April 17th, 2012

Linda……oh I do pray lots and I thank you for your words……

Camille
5:56 pm April 18th, 2012

I just finished reading through all of these posts, and am so happy I took the time to. Sadly, I no longer feel alone. My son, after OD’ing last Tuesday, allowed himself to be committed to a psych eval. He then had a change of attitude and decided not to participate. They wanted to put him back on meds to moderate his behavior, and he decided he didn’t want to – started arguing with him, so they released him. He has since decided he is fine. I know many of you have much stronger drugs, but he is very depressed – has always had a chemical imbalance has always self medicated with pills and pot, which makes him feel worse, so he self medicates more… When he did live at home, I wound up crying every night, and my husband, his step father, has already said no matter what he is never allowed back. He would fight, scream, destroy things. All the same things you all have been through I am sure. And yes he is a sweet kid also – and its so hard to not see him as a child still. So in your stories I recognized so much – the cursing at the end of the conversation if it doesnt go his way, the worry, the phone calls. I thought for sure after being brought back to life it would be a wake up call for him. I do still pay for his phone because I want to know he is alive, but I dont know if thats worse because I get all those calls, I need help, dont you love me, I dont want to live anymore, my life is your fault. The good news for all of you? Every years I am sure I have the Worst Mom of the Year Award wrapped up. It is like eggshells that you try not to crack, I totally relate to that. If I yell and tell him to grow up, no one wants to go to work everyday, life is tough – is that going to be the one thing that sets him over the edge? Will that be what kills him? Will those be the last words I ever say to my son?

@Sherry – I like what you said about how we are all in mourning – we are.

Thank you all for sharing so much – you have to understand this has been a big help for me. I have been going through this with my son for 6 years.

Infinite
4:44 am April 19th, 2012

My son is a fugitive, felon heroin addict. The police and us marshals have come several times this week. I don’t know if he’s alive. I do know that angry dude needs professional help. God bless you all. (even a.d.)

Linda S
11:54 am April 19th, 2012

Camille,
I know how it feels for them to ‘hit bottom’ well in your mind it is hit bottom. Say they want help, beg for the help. the joy you feel..and then the pure despair when they back out. My daughter has done it so many times to me…I have lost count.
She can do it she says..can stay clean on her own. Does not need NA, one on one therepy non of it! So as of today, she is 30 days sober..do i celebrate. NOPE..i am sure even tho i pray it will not happen that in time she will start using again. She takes her meds for depression, but just how long will that last. Many many suidide attempts over the years….

Like you , i pay her cell phone. Only contact i have and only way of knowing she is alive. Even when i do not hear from her I can check the activity on the phone. My mother and Husband both tell me to stop..to stop paying that. I just cannot do that yet. I will not give her money, I will not let her move in, I will not run and hold her hand everytime she has a crisis. In this way I feel I am stronger and working on me. But I cannot yet turn off that phone.

I wish i could say it gets easier…just have not gotten there yet. Group meetings, therepy and this blog have helped me so much. Talking to others so i don’t feel like I am so alone..had helped most of all. Praying and knowing I have no control and her choices are just that her choices..nothing I caused. That was the eye opener for me..I am not at fault!

pam
4:37 pm April 19th, 2012

Camille……what you wrote?….as I read it I thought I wrote it except for a few details….

Colleen
2:44 pm April 20th, 2012

Hello all. I’ve been reading this page off and on for 9 months. Off when I myself was in denial about my sons addiction. My son is currently in jail for larceny/using a stolen credit card. In July of 2011, he flipped a car i had just bought for him (2 months after high school graduation) Car burned down to the ground. Called from police station and told they were waiting for blood alcohol to come down. I thought he was drunk. Boy, was I wrong. When I picked him up – 12 hours after the accident, he still was high, violent, I couldn’t believe what i was seeing. We took him home and I thought well that is a good learning experience for him. It wasn’t. The court process for that accident JUST culminated in sentencing last week – almost 9 months after the accident. Since that time, he was caught stealing from his dad’s home in December, 2012. He stole from my husband in the same month (jewelry that he pawned at pawn shop). We kicked him out, my parents took him in. In January, he broke into my parents home and stole $3000. My dad kicked him out. He said oh mom, I have learned from this experience – i want to get myself back on track. So I stupidly went broke putting him a ratty motel for two months. My dad thought he was doing better and took him back in. This past weekend, he was arrested for stealing out of my parents neighbors cars. We found 6 wallets, GPS devices, MP3 Players, you name it in his car. All the while I am saying you’re a drug addict! To which i would get angry denials – I am NOT a drug addict Mom. Get out of my business. I am 19 years old. Baby your daughter, but stop babying me. Two days later, he’s in jail. Now he’s facing a felony and I guess the next step is a rehab that I know won’t work unless he wants it to. HE called from jail and now admits to being a drug addict, but I think he wants out of jail. I don’t know how all this time I have been so gullible to believe all the lies. But i finally have smartened up. He’s been in jail since Monday, and his court date isn’t until next wednesday – so he will sit there. No bail this time. No attorney. I am really at the end of my rope. He’s ruined my marriage, our lives, HIS life. What will it take for him to wake up here? I wanted to give second chances and benefit of the doubt, but that only enabled him. I broke into his facebook. All the times he would ask me for $5 bucks for a movie? Drugs. All the time he said hey mom, could I get 10 for gas so I can get to work? Drugs. Where is the kid that used to run around with the Barney doll and sing along with Blues Clues? He’s gone, for now anyway and I guess now I just have to hope he’s coming back someday, because I really miss my son.

Linda S
11:36 am April 23rd, 2012

tough Love. this Blog, Group Meetings…all are helping. but it still is the hardest thing I do…each and every day. And each time i have to flex my ‘skills’ it eats at me, as a mother we only want to help. We want to shelter, support and care for our children. so it is hard when we say NO and yet for my own self perservation, marriage and sanity NO is what i must say.
Daughter called last night, drama in the house she lives in (which is a house full of users by the way) but mom she tells me over and over I am staying clean and just hang out in my room. Okay…but no effort to find a job, no NA meeting, forget counselors they are for losers..but staying clean with Meth,Heroin all around you?
Anyways..back to my thoughts..sorry. Can she move home, she just needs to get out of there, they are stabbing her in the back and she hates it. I say NO not a good idea.
She says FINE and hangs up on me! I then text her and say I am sorry she does not like what I say and hangs up, but i have not seen a lot of improvment on her side. I get back..thanks mom I will be find I will take care of myself.
So…do I feel guilty. YES. Do I feel like it was the best thing i could do. YES. Is it eating me up and was I able to sleep last night..NO.
Just wanted to get that out…wanted to say I pray each day for my daughter that something helps her see the light…gets her out the right path of staying cleanand getting to a normal life (whatever that is). I am just tired today I am thinking..feeling a little unsure of myself..
thank you all for listening, thank you Francis for this blog and a place to jot my thoughts!
Linda W

Camille
11:35 am April 24th, 2012

Linda S, exactly. Congrats on your Daughter being 30 days sober!
All these stories have familiar pieces. I understand Pam and am sorry for what you all are going through. The hardest thing is not doing anything. Seeing other kids going to college and making good choices. I have not found a counselor yet. It after reading your stories I started looking for one it seems like that is a common help. I am praying for all of your stories, thank you

Linda S
12:45 pm April 24th, 2012

colleen, I so understand what you are going thru. We all do on this page! It is a hard thing to do, and having my daughter almost ruin my marriage, my life and my sanity i have decided to take it back. To learn to tell her NO and to live my life as happily as i can. Has this happened..no but slowly but surely i know it will. It has to and I must live my life..not hers.

Al alon and Na alon are all helpful. the Therepist i saw was good, but for me a group is better! do this, do it for you! And find something, anything that makes you smile again and embrace that!

Prayers for you and know you are not alone!

Linda B
5:57 pm April 24th, 2012

I think all of us moms go through a period of denial. We don’t want to believe that this is true, not our sweet babies. We want to believe our kids lies. After awhile the proof is in the pudding and we have no other choice but to believe. That’s when our mourning and our desperation begins. Our jobs as mothers was to protect our kids and make it all better. How do we just turn that off? I don’t know about the rest of you, but that was the most difficult thing for me to do. I felt like I just couldn’t sit here and let this all happen, I had to do something. So, it took me quite some time to realize that I couldn’t fix it and make it all better anymore. Although, I did not just sit here. I actively sought out others like me, nar-anon, al-anon. I actively educated myself about drug abuse. Doing these things empowered me.
Yesterday on my son’s facebook page he posted, “Thinking about taking an adventure with the spirit molecule today. Hmm well if u know wat I’m talking about then lemme know it just so happens to be abundant around here this time of the year. :D” I googled it, it’s a powerful hallucegin in the same class as LSD. I have no clue why I’m still his friend on facebook. He knows that I would google this stuff. He’s actually gotten to the point of not caring what we think anymore. We’ve finally proven to him that we don’t believe his lies anymore. I guess he figures, what the hell. This just goes to show me that there’s nothing he won’t put into his body. He’s an oxy addict and now he wants to do sycadelics?????? The next step for my son is to wind up in jail or worse. Sometimes I pray for him to go to jail. At least in there he can’t use and he’s being controlled.
God help us all.
Linda B.

Sherry
8:27 pm April 24th, 2012

It’s so true, we are all the same. A few details may be different, but basically the same. It’s also true that at least on this blog we know we are talking with people who truly understand. I have friends and family who I know care and are sorry for what is happening, but they don’t really understand how I feel. Just wonderful to be able to express feelings and thoughts and know the people reading it are shaking their heads in agreement and understanding.

So let’s all agree that we won’t give up on our kids , ourselves, or each other. For the past couple of months the minister at our church, Max Lucado, has been speaking on a series entitled” You’ll get through this”. Each Sunday we all recite these words:

Sherry
8:32 pm April 24th, 2012

Sorry pressed enter too soon.
The words are:

With God’s power, I’ll get through this. It won’t be painless. It won’t be quick. But God will use this mess for good. I won’t be foolish or naive but nor will I despair. With God’s help I know I will get through this.

We just hang on, as long as there’s life, there’s hope.

Grace, peace and blessings to you all.

LRC
8:43 pm April 24th, 2012

My dtr is in jail, with two outstanding warrants for two other counties. I’m hoping she goes to prison where she can get some help-from someone else. I don’t want to visit her anymore, take her calls, go to court, or anything. I am so tired. You have to let it go a bit at a time…I feel at the end, like I’ve given it all up. Someone on the post said they still pay for the cell phone so their child can still call. It sounds like the last thing you’re hanging on to, and if it helps you sleep at night, I say keep the phone. Sooner or later it will go too. Most days now, I honestly feel I’ve given up hope. I don’t know if this is good or bad, just is.
I feel for everyone on this post. Who ever expected kids would end up this way? I have a 12yr old son and a 9yr old son. If they start down this same road, I plan to come down fast and hard. No way I’m doing this again.

Colleen
11:50 am April 25th, 2012

Went and saw my son in jail on Sunday. For the first time in probably over a year, he was sober. He SEEMS to be thinking clearly now, is scared to death and doesn’t know what’s coming. He has been in jail now for 11 days. I was contacted by the jail asking some questions about him, and the representative I talked to told me that son would probably be released tomorrow on a personal bond. So I told my son that his father and I are willing to put him in rehab, although my ex husband doesn’t believe it will work. My ex only wants to pay for 14 days and I told my son this. My son started to cry and said he needs more than 14 days. This is something new, because up until now all we have got is angry denials about being a drug addict. I don’t know if I should feel this, but I have a small glimmer of hope. I told him that after successful completion of rehab, he would go to a halfway house for at least 4 months. I don’t know if they will release him tomorrow on personal bond or not, but if they do, we are going to attempt to give rehab a shot. Wish us luck. I wish there was a fast forward button in life.

Rhonda
4:25 pm April 25th, 2012

Collen – Try to get him in a Christian based facility “Freedom Farm Ministries” is one we tried and we have heard many good results – my cousin really enjoyed it. Talk to churches they do help people with these problems. Hope this helps!!!

Linda B
5:41 pm April 25th, 2012

Colleen,
All I can say is be cautiously optimistic. I have been down this road. Everyone says that set backs are very common. As for my son, he was doing great for a couple months after rehab and then right back to his old ways. We pretty much begged him to go to a sober living house and he refused, that was a year 1/2 ago. I’m not saying this will be the case with your son. Just have your mind and heart prepared for it in case it does happen. Be hopeful, but guarded. That’s my opinion anyway.
Sherry,
I’ve often thought how it seemed our pastor was talking just to us during church services. Without him knowing what was going on in our lives his sermons would apply to us personally. Coincidence or devine intervention? I dunno, but whatever it is I’ll take it.

Our oldest son is getting married on June 30th at our home. I’m nervous and apprehensive about it. This will be a time when the extended family will be all together for the 1st time in a long time. There is bad blood everywhere between us all. There are 2 sides, those with us (tough love) and those against us (enablers). Our family is such a mess and it’s all due to our drug addicted kids. I can’t help but to feel resentment all the way around. I resent our son for putting us all in this position in the 1st place. And, resent my mother in law for seemingly stabbing us in the back and I feel as though she’s helping to kill my child. To be honest, I feel like scratching her eyes out. Please know I am a rational and non violent person. But, when it comes to this I feel like a mother hen protecting her chick. I will need all the prayers I can get on that day. I keep repeating to myself, “your job is to be polite”. Hopefully I can pull it off. I have to. I would hate myself for messing up my son and daughter in law’s special day.

mary
1:44 am April 27th, 2012

Linda B, just be there for your son and future daughter in law. Make their special day all about them and YOU and the love and pride that you feel for them. Don’t let the enablers in your family poison and ruin this for you. When my daughter got married 2 years ago, my son was at his all time low, living on the streets, addicted to heroin, stealing from our home when we weren’t there, it was a horrible, horrible time. No one in the family knew about his addiction, and I went to great lengths to hide it from them. There were lots of questions about where he was, why wasn’t he at the wedding- and honestly, I was terrified that he would show up high with his unsavory friends. I was equally terrified that he would once again burglarize my home while we were at the wedding. It’s so hard to do, but we all have to focus our energy on our healthy children, our spouses, our relationships and most importantly ourselves.

Michele
8:53 pm April 27th, 2012

Haven’t been on for awhile, but I read Camille and thought, this is my son… there is hope though.. he’s now in a long term residential facility in Pensacola FL called Lakeview. He says he wants to use still all the time but he also knows he has to make a stand for his sobriety at some point in his life. I don’t know if this it the time but I pray everyday. I hope we all find peace… and our children find their way through the darkness….

Colleen
3:03 pm April 30th, 2012

Cautiously optimistic – yes, that’s how I feel. I want so much to believe what he tells me and always have. I saw him in that jail, he looked so little at innocent (all 6 foot 4 of him) and it pained me to the core, but I still didn’t get him out. Now I see him in rehab, and he “seems” good, but i know seeming isn’t anything. Actions speak louder than words – and I know everything he has said to me over the past couple years has been in an attempt to manipulate, deceive or to gain money from me. He knows he will be going to a 3/4 house following rehab for four months. He hasn’t said anything negative about that, so we will see how that goes. He did ask me about the car on Saturday when I saw him and that made me mad. He was bought a car for his graduation, which he flipped and burned to the ground last July because he was on Xanax and God knows what else. When he got home, he was Oh, Mom – I’ve learned my lesson I will never take another pill again. Recently, I got into his facebook and found messages to someone one MONTH after that accident looking for drugs. ONE MONTH! He wrecked another car this past February, but we are not sure (and probably will never know) if that was due to the bad ice storm, or if it was drug related again. After all of that, I FINANCED a car (used) for him because he had himself a full time job and seemed to be doing well. After he was arrested, I had to go tell his manager that he had a drug problem and was in jail. IT was then that she told me he had been good as far as she knew, except for the fact that the wednesday before he got arrested, he was in the parking lot of his employer in the running vehicle passed out for 5 hours. They tried to wake him up and couldn’t. This in the vehicle he promised me he would never drive while on anything. Even got mad at me for suggesting that he would. It makes me sick when I think about it. So now, the car is being driven by his sister, who deserves it and that is eating him up inside. WHen he asked about the car – I said well you have ruined the opportunity three times that we gave you with vehicles, so I’m not wanting to discuss the car at this time. He said “then I guess I will get my own car then.” Ok, go ahead! That’s what you should be doing at 20 years old – not expecting your mother to do it for you. It’s like a game he plays, threatening things that don’t threaten me. Yelling at me to make me back down. Lying to me to get me off his back. I do so hope that this is the end, but I’m so sad to realize it may not be.

Linda B
5:49 pm May 2nd, 2012

Yes, we’ve all made the mistake of believing our children’s lies over and over again. I actually made the mistake of believing in my boy during and after rehab as well. I think it takes quite some time after sobriety for reality to set in for them. They have been so used to lying and manipulating, old habits die hard. I know that even if my son gets clean that it will take years for me to trust him again. Years of actions, not words. Someone once told me that if a drug addict has their mouth open to always know it’s a lie. They only have 1 mind set, get drugs, get drugs and they will do whatever they must to get drugs. What a horrible way to live.
It’s been at least a month since I’ve talked to my youngest son, even longer for my middle son. That automatically tells me that they have someone on their side and don’t need me. Grandma to the rescue I’m sure.
The below link is the Karpman drama triangle. This triangle helped me and my husband sooooo much to put it all into perspective. Makes so much sense. Please go to this link and read all about it if you already haven’t.
http://www.therapyideas.net/triangles.htm
I sure hope you ladies all have a wonderful day.

Mark
11:57 pm May 8th, 2012

I’m not sure where to start. My wife and I have struggled with are 27 year old sons drug problems since he 13. Matt was released from jail in mid february and lives with us once again. His last sentence was 3 yrs. for armed robbery of a gas station. A prior sentence related to drug use cost him 7 months in prison. We live in an established suberb and my wife and I were active in his upbringing. We were active church members, cub scout and boy scout packmaster and den mother, cyo basketball coach, baseball coach 11 yrs. and fortunate enough to be able to take nice family vacations. We did everything together. Matts first drug use was pot. Concerned yet understood that kids may try this. It was more serious when he was suspended as a junoir in high school and required to go to rehab before he could return to school. Upon his return he quit school within a few weeks. I was devestated. I am a union carpenter and my wife has a good job with her bachelors degree. The embarressment within our social enviroment was awfull. Matt got his ged and I helped him get in the carpenters union. They drug test us and after a few years the juice he would use to hide the drugs didn’t seem to work and they eventually booted him out after he failed a few tests. The drug use and the money we spent on rehab, wrecked cars,house payments, the drugs themselves, laywers, child support payments to our grandaughter, has torn us apart. My wife, as a loving mother wants so badly to believe him when he says he is getting better and wants us to help him cover his expenses. I would prefer to put him out on the street so he can find his bottom. We have spent approx. 160,000 dollars on our sons lies and deciets over the last 14 years. I love him but we need to say no to him. He is a good carpenter who makes 20 dollars an hour but pays no bills and uses every penny to get high (he has been a heroin user for years) and is scamming us for money two days after payday. He has over the years stole every elctronic device we’ve had, used our credit cards to buy the dopeman what he wants, steals any money he can find within our house. I have to sleep with my wallet under my mattress at night. There is so much more I could say but for those of you living this hell you know what it is like.

Denise
3:08 pm May 10th, 2012

Regarding Cautious Optimism: They say “There are no atheists in foxholes.” I say “There are no treatment-resistant addicts in jail.”

My daughter was just released from jail to a six-month program. If the court orders it, the court pays. I hope it works. But I wouldn’t bet the ranch on it.

Been there, done that, don’t need the t-shirt.

LRC
4:11 pm May 10th, 2012

Mark,
I was shocked reading your story. Your son seems to suffer very few consequences for his drug use. I can understand how you got to this place, because you have hope, and you love your son. But you have done enough-it’s time to get him out and get your life back. Alnon and counseling will help. You really need to get him out of your home, for good.

Linda S
11:35 am May 11th, 2012

Mark,
I have been where you are with my daughter….raising her “right” doing all i could to help support and FIX her mistakes as I called them.
Finally thru this blog, thru Alnon an couseling and a couple of wonderful books and a lot of prayer I have learned. She is a 29 yrs old adult and I have done all I can. I still love her, but I am taking back control of my life, getting joy and laughter and building my life back and most of all building back my marriage (her stepfather)
She is 90 days clean, has moved away (out of state) and text i got monday was mom, I am happy, healthy and seeing life with a clear brain for the first time since I was 16! I pray and will always pray that this continues for her, she stays clean and happy and my prayers include each and every mother and father out there going thru the problems of adult addicts.
Blessing on all of you!

Sherry
2:02 pm May 11th, 2012

Mark,
I’m so sorry for all that you live with. There is not one persons on this blog that doesn’t understand exactly how you feel. That is what is so wonderful about this blog. Finally to be able to talk and know there are people who are shaking their heads yes, they really get it. So, after saying that, your son can’t continue to live with you. I have two heroin addict sons. Both were told they can’t live at home. Took a few months of being out of the house, but on Monday of this week, one of them managed to get himself a sponsorship in a rehab and is there now for the next 30 days and the other one is working on getting into a different rehab. Maybe this is what happens when we learn to say NO and really mean it. I don’t know if the rehab will work for them this time( they have both been before), but this time they are putting themselves there because they really have no other options, This is an awful disease that you can never surrender to. I pray for you all.

Linda B
6:50 am May 12th, 2012

Sherry hit the nail on the head, ” this time they are putting themselves there because they really have no other options”. Once they’ve run out of ALL their options they have no choice but to fix their own lives. My prayers are with your boys to succeed Sherry, and you. I’m still waiting for that day when my 2 sons run out of all their options (grandma the enabler). Not only do our drug addicted children need to take responsibility for their own lives, but we do to. We must live a happy productive lives despite our children’s lifestyles. We were once the all American, functional family too. 2 out of 3 of our sons are drug dependent. What the hell happened? I know everyone has seen those commercials on TV about talking to your kids about drugs etc. We did all that. We did everything we were supposed to do. I now throw things at the TV when those absolutely ridiculous commercials come on the TV now. And, I refuse to invest 1 more dime on these self destructive kids. If they want it for themselves then they will find a way to make it happen. No more throwing thousands and thousands of dollars out the window anymore for nothing. I love my sons for than my own life. If there was anything I could do to make this all go away I certainly would. Over so many years we’ve finally learned that all the money in the world won’t fix it, all the love and understanding won’t fix it. The only thing that will fix it is themselves.
Mark, I strongly urge you to seek help to help yourself if you already haven’t. In a previous post I added a link about the Karpman triangle. It helped me emencely. It has helped me to leave the triangle and not to get sucked right back into it again. Please go to this link and really study the info there http://www.therapyideas.net/triangles.htm
I pray that everyone here finds peace and happiness.

mary
12:16 pm May 13th, 2012

On this Mothers Day, I pray for all moms and dads who are dealing with the agonizing disease of drug addiction. Mark, our love for our children gets in the way of making the “right” decisions, epecially when those decisions are the hardest and most painful.Your son’s story is almost identical to mine- I spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to help my son get clean, dealt with the same family and social issues that you are dealing with. The harsh reality is that until that switch in their brain clicks and they say “ok, enough”, the vicous circle will continue. I recently read “We all Fall Down” by Nick Scheff. It really helped me understand my son as an addict. Perhaps it will help you too.

Linda B
6:21 pm May 15th, 2012

My good friends son has been incarcerated a few times with court mandated rehab. A kind man took him under his wing once out of jail the last time, gave him a job, set him up with a car and a place to live many, many miles away from the friends he did drugs with in the past. He’s back in jail once again. He’s ruined his life AGAIN. I was informed of him being back in jail on Mother’s Day when I was depressed anyway. This news hit me so hard. I was so hopeful for this kid. I couldn’t help my own and just wanted to see something positive happen with another addict close to my heart.
My son’s girlfriend is in rehab and according to her father she’s doing well. Apparently my son tried to call her at the facility and they would not let her speak with him. I have tried and tried to convince this girl not to associate with my son. He will just drag her down. In the past she never listened, hopefully this time she will. I do not feel optimistic for this girl. So sad.
I NEED to see something good happen to an addict I know. I NEED to see that recovery is possible on a personal level, somewhere, somehow. I feel as though my hope is just disappearing. I can’t seem to hang on to it. I’m afraid without hope I don’t know where I’ll be.
Apparently, I need a meeting. Mother’s Day and the bad news has sucked the life right outta me. I’ve tripped and fell, now I got to somehow get back up. I KNOW all of you “get it”. I rarely talk to anyone about this. It’s somehow comforting to know I have somewhere to go vent and have complete understanding. Thanks You everyone.

Michele
8:03 pm May 17th, 2012

Linda B…. I’m with you as well in the NEED to find Hope in all of this, my hope is fading and I just want to see someone succeed and do well! My son is in a long term facility but I don’t trust he’s doing anything but going through the motions and not digging deep to change. He turned 21 yesterday… I am realizing he’s spent the last 3 years in and out of rehabs… I just don’t know how to see a light at the end of this long long tunnel!

Linda S
11:49 am May 18th, 2012

Linda B.
We all know how you feel right now..this roller coaster of emotions takes it toll on all of us. yes I just want to hear someone that beats this addiction! So far I have not heard that good news yet.
My daughter has moved out of state, just a clean start she says. Been 90 days clean…prayers are still flying but I don’t think i will ever beleive she has beat it. History has not shown me that yet. but the best thing I can say about her movinig (for now) i don’t get the daily phone calls, the need money, need gas, need food. She said and I agreed..time to stand on her own and figure it out. She is 29 been using off and on since 16 yrs old! This last go around was after 3 yrs of being clean.
My prayers for all the parents out there, for our own sanity and joy and to get our lives back. My prayers for all the ‘children’ trapped in the addictions of their choices.

Michele
9:02 pm May 21st, 2012

I just wanted to share this with you all. My son who is 19 wrote this for his older brother who is in treatment. It’s just beautiful
http://soundcloud.com/superherosidekicks/brother1

Linda S
1:22 pm May 22nd, 2012

Michele,
thank you for sharing this! It is a wonderful song with a powerful message..he will never give up. Made me cry..but then again so much does..most of all it was touching and so love filled!

Linda B
4:40 pm May 22nd, 2012

Michele, I listened to the song. Made me cry. My oldest son has lost all hope in his addicted brothers. Breaks my heart. He’s getting married next month and he doesn’t want either of his brothers in attendance. Can’t say as I blame him. You never know if they will cause a scene or not. The day will be bitter sweet for our family. So happy and proud of our oldest son, but so sad and disappointed for our other 2 sons. It’s been so many years of this constant struggle, when does the roller coaster finally stop? Maybe never I’ve come to realize. We must make the best of our bad situations. That’s all we can do.

pam
1:59 pm May 28th, 2012

I wake up everyday and I cry about our son…and my relationship with my husband is deteriorating…if only he would just talk about it…I think about leaving him because I just cannot stand it…..

Linda S
11:39 am May 30th, 2012

oh Pam…i so understand! I am past the crying about my daughter each day. But my family wants nothing to do with her, my mother and my husband (her step father). It is hard, I have no one to talk to!
I know how you feel..alone and lost!

Ken
6:17 pm May 30th, 2012

Thanks, good luck.

Linda B
3:02 am May 31st, 2012

Oh Pam I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve seen many in our situation loose their marriage. Although, I’ve seen just as many where the marriage became much stronger. I guess it can either make or break it. Counseling and/or nar-anon meetings would help you both so much. I felt my marriage slipping away at one point and the meetings helped so much and they still do. You and your husband are going through so much horror with your son. Neither of you can afford to loose any more. Please be proactive in seeking out help.

Jim
3:45 pm June 1st, 2012

Mark, I’m right there with you, brother. My son’s going to be 27 in July, if he lives that long. He’s been on and off since his teens. Joined the Navy at 19 only to being booted out this year for drug overdose induced seizures. It’s such a terrible waste. Know though that none of this is your fault, all of it is his decision. Unfortunately part of the problem is the more immersed the addict is in drugs the more skewed their thinking becomes. I love my son unconditionally but I can’t stand the addict. I hope and pray every day but I hold a healthy sense of skepticism for any resolution. I think fathers see it differently sometimes, I am fortunate that for the most part his mother and I are on the same page. She is suffering greatly and wish I could do more for her but she needs to go to Al-Anon and get with other Mom’s in the same struggle.

Sharon
11:49 pm June 8th, 2012

I feel like I’ve been hit in the head with a bat. My 19 year old son was arrested last week for cocaine. I truly never saw this coming. He has been a sweet, respectful child all his life. Never had any trouble more than a traffic ticket, now this. He has such a bright future ahead of him and I’m mourning the possible loss of the future, as well as a possible prison term. Never in my life did I think this is what his life and mine would come to. I am a single mother doing the best I can for my child. Last year I was laid off from my job of many years and to get a job to support us I had to take a evening shift position. Since that time I have noticed a change in him. He would stay out very late and I wouldn’t know who he was with. He has never known his father, so my father stepped in to fill that role all his life. Two years ago we lost my father to leukemia and I beleive I underestimated how that experience hurt him. I guess I was caught in my own grief and struggling to help my mother. How do I help him? How on earth do we get through this? I’m scared to let him see exactly how much this has devestated myself and our family until he can get treatment. Sorry for rambling but all this is finally sinking in after a week.

Rita
4:14 am June 10th, 2012

My 33 year old daughter has told people that I was a heroin addict and sold her young body to pay for it. I have heard this from two people, and I am so sick I don’t even know how to deal with it. I don’t do drugs. If I know she told two people, how do I know she didn’t tell everyone we know?

Michele
12:18 pm June 13th, 2012

Rita,
I know that can be hard to hear, my son told people he is a crack baby and that is why his addiction is so bad and why “he’s messed up” he’s told people his biological Dad was murdered to get attention. I know it is hard to hear but it is just their way of seeking out attention so they can manipulate their way into peoples thoughts and maybe get something out of it. It’s hard to hear those kinds of things that are said, but honestly you know the truth and the people who know you also know that is not what is real. I’ve said to my son, why do you say things that are not true about your family. We love you and want only the best in your life, he always says his standard reply “I don’t know” There will be so many challenges with your addicted child that my thoughts are to pick and choose my battles and although those words I’m sure hurt, you have to know your daughter is sick and needs to find help. I have a 21 year old who’s been in rehab 5 times already, almost died of drug overdose 3 times, is a cutter/burner with scars all over his arms, has mental health issues since he was a young child and struggles with who he really is in his own life. I have realized sometimes it’s easier for them to live in a “made up world” then reality because reality for them probably sucks! That is why my son says he loses himself in drugs so he doesnt feel anything “real” My son as of today is currently living in a long term facility, he struggles with his mental health, his addiction and also the affects of his prior drug usage. He is walking a long, long road but I pray everyday he see’s the light and wants to build himself a new life. I know I can’t walk this road with him and make him do the right thing, I can only love him for I am his mother and in life or death he will always be a part of me and I will always be a part of him. Best of luck in your struggles Rita, but don’t let her words bring you down to a place of pain.

Linda B
2:16 am June 20th, 2012

As usual the drama comes in waves. We don’t hear from our youngest son for a couple of months then it’s instant upheavel. He was flopping on a friend’s couch for a couple of months. The friend and his wife began having marital problems because my boy was there. As much as the friend wanted to help my son he was faced with either helping him or loosing his wife and kids. The friend called me up out of the blue to ask if he could come and talk with my husband and me. We agreed. He brought our son with him. I was shocked. I did not think our son could look any worse and he sure did. He’s completely emaciated, can’t weigh more than 130 pounds at 6’4″. His clothes are all tattered, dirty and just hanging off of him. Just pityful. It was all I could do to not break down in tears. They both swear he’s not using any drugs except for marijuana. We could see that this was not true at all. My son insists he needs the weed for his back pain which we do not believe he has in reality. Long story short, they wanted us to take my son in. We once again suggested rehab and he got hostile about it as usual. He says he’s beyond rehab, been there done that. He says he just needs a safe place to stay and he’s fine. yada, yada, yada………same ole thing. We refuse to take him in without rehab. The next night got a call from the friend once again. Another long story short my son “sort of” said he’d go to rehab (was faced with nowhere to go). Well, don’t ya know, good ole grandma stepped in again and bought him a motel room for the night instead. So much for rehab. He doesn’t need it now Grandma came to the rescue once again. Grandma just doesn’t get it, she’s killing her own grandson by her kindness. We cannot convince her of this. She thinks we’re the world’s worst parents because we won’t take our hostile, abusive, crazy, stealing son in our house without him being clean. She thinks we’re the ones killing him not her. If he was faced with homelessness he would go to rehab. She won’t let it get that far. We haven’t heard from our boy since. We’re just spinning our wheels. When something happens to our son we’re going to be pointing the finger at her and she’s going to pointing the finger at us. It’s a hellava life.
Anyone else having the same issues with extended family as we are? I just don’t know what to do other than just throw my arms up. I am powerless to save my son’s life.

pam
2:59 am June 20th, 2012

well how do you not feel the pain…I really need some sort of counseling to help in not feeling that my son’s life will not improve and that the lives of my husband and me are over…..I wonder how I can feel any kind of joy anymore….

Linda S
7:36 pm June 20th, 2012

I was there! I was slipping into such a depression Pam! I went to Counseling. I started to read as much as i could about Addicts and their families. I go to Al-alon meetings, Nar-alon, I started talking to friend about my daughter. Being more open about the pain, getting it out there instead of “hiding the horrors” from everyone and pretending it was okay. and most of all I pray, and i start each day with a prayer a freind sent me.
Now after 6 months I am better. I am still not back to where i was, my husband still says I miss your laugh honey to me all the time. I cannot find much to laugh about or be happy about, but i no longer feel my life is over!

Linda S
7:42 pm June 20th, 2012

Oh Linda B! I know the roller coaster of dealing with these kids of yours…it never ends does it! You are standing strong in your actions and I know that is the best you can do for you, and hopefully for him. I wish like you do his Grandmother would see that..they must hit bottom with no way out before they can start the slow struggle to the top.
I have ridden that roller coaster for so many years now I am working on just watching the ride and riding it anymore. My daughter is doing better, she and her husband and working hard at fighting her drug addiciton and building their marriage. I wish them all the best..but I for now can only stand back and watch and wait…

Linda B
7:54 pm June 20th, 2012

Pam,
Drug addiction is a progressive disease. In other words, it won’t get better, only worse. Without our drug addicts desiring a better life for themselves it will all end in something bad. This is reality. Your husband and yourself NEED to come to this conclusion and have a happy, productive life despite it all. You will always feel the pain. But, you need to learn how to re direct it in a sense. Yes, please actively seek out counseling. You do not have the power to change your son, but you do have the power to change yourself.

pam
6:55 pm July 31st, 2012

any news from anyone??? we’re not doing so well here…….

Sherry
1:47 am August 1st, 2012

I have some encouraging news. After 2 1/2 times in rehab and 2 rounds of IOP, one of my sons is doing very well. He is almost 90 days sober. He’s living in a wonderful sober house, getting weekly counseling and lots of support from his housemates. He has started his own Heroin Anonymous group and will have the first meeting this Saturday. He speaks weekly at an opiate group. He will start his new job next week, working with troubled adolescent boys. Hopefully, all of this will continue for him. The change came for him when he decided that he was tired of drugs and his life. He picked up the phone and called the rehab and checked himself in. My other son finished a 6 day detox and is now on day 11 of a 35 day stay in rehab. Praying for the best for them both. There was a time when I didn’t think any of this would ever happen, but for today, everything is good and looking up. I hope this brings some hope to everyone. I pray for us all.

Linda S
11:16 am August 1st, 2012

Pam…how are things…post sounded very down?

Sherry: good news on your sons very good news. pray it continues and knowing they still have long road ahead!

My daugter got her 60 days clean award last week. She and her husband seem to be doing well. She has (they) have gotten hit hard the last few weeks with regards to money, but seems to be handling it better. Of course I KNOW she has a long way to go, and I know that 60 days clean and straight does not mean it is all better. But for the first time she is admitting…there is not a day goes by she does not want to get high..but she realizes that her life, her husband and her family are the very most important to her. She is tired of the drugs and being in the pit. so she fights it!!

My husband (her stepfather) still will not speak to her, will not allow her in the house. My mother says her name with such loathing. I have a hard time beingin the middle of all this, and more important a very hard time understanding the way they thing. My husband is sober 21 years from the bottle. My month is active in her church and a “christian”. Yet neither one of them will forgive and understand. So as always I am alone in this.

Linda B
6:28 am August 2nd, 2012

Pam, yes I have news too. Also, let us know how things are going for you.
My youngest son’s unemployment ran out. He said they only gave him 2 days notice with a letter. This is actually pretty halarious, but sad. He was on unemployment for 2 years. He’s got a twisted way of thinking. He had 2 YEARS and never even attempted to get a job (of course). Needless to say, he wound up homeless, begging borrowing and stealing. He’s also 9 month AWOL from the Army. One night he ended up on our front porch carry blankets. He was yelling and cussing at us. Somehow it was our fault he was in the pickle he was in. He threatened to go to a family who has taken him in and believed his lies in the past if we didn’t take him in. We told him to go ahead. OMG, was the hardest thing I ever done turning my pityful homeless child away. Apparently, his enabler family has had enough of him too and wouldn’t take him in. He ended up telling us he wanted to go to Detox. I drove him there and he was so beligerant and disrespectful to me. Left him there along with $2,500.00 and he completed the 7 days. He went from there to a publicly funded rehab (We refuse to pay anymore). He lasted a few days and got kicked out for being uncooperative etc. He was about 40 miles away from his own town and called us to come and get him. We refused. We told him to go back and beg for forgiveness and it was high time he took control of his own life. He did not and ended up back here somehow where no one whatsoever would give him a roof over his head. In the meantime I had another rehab set up just in case. Well his enabler family took him to a religious ranch for men who want to find the Lord and clean up their lives without our knowledge. I spoke with the “Ranch” and there is no counseling, no 12 steps, no drug treatment at all. They say that once they become born again all the rest will follow. And, they needed $350 per month from us to house and feed him. HaHa right! This family who has enabled him for years dropped him off there and told them his parents would pay. NOT! After a week or so we came up with the plan that we would match dollar for dollar what this enabler family would pay. We knew they wouldn’t pay anything because they’ve never reached into their pockets before and we knew it wouldn’t happen this time either. We’ve tried and tried to help this kid 10’s of thousands of dollars later we’re no better off. Our new attitude is, he got himself into this mess he can get himself out. It’s time he take control of his own life. I know this all sounds very cold and mean. After 3 times in detox and rehab and having this family that always takes him in and allows him to continue his drug lifestyle we’re done. He’s got to want this for himself or it doesn’t work. Traditional counceling, rehab etc. hasn’t worked. Maybe this will, who knows. If he’s got to be addicted to something we can certainly live with him being addicted to the Lord. We know the only reason he’s there is because he has nowhere else to go. We do not believe he will take any of this to heart. As a matter of fact he’ll probably get thrown out of there too. Obviously, we don’t have a very good attitude about any of this. The bright side, at least I know he’s somewhere safe so I can sleep at night. So the saga continues. In the meantime our middle son got his girlfriend pregnant and she’s only 16! They ran away to Montana, came back, tried to get us to fund an apartment etc. for them. We refused and came up with an alternative plan that they refused and are gone again. They are on their own too. Life is CRAZY! Thank God for my oldest, responsible level headed son who is an awesome husband and father.
Sherry, I’ll be saying a prayer for your boys and family.
Linda S., It just may take some time for your mother and husband can begin to trust again. Drug addicts dig their holes so deep that trusting for a long, long time is next to impossible. Sounds like they may be protecting their own selves for now.
Take care of yourselves.

Jay
12:14 pm September 28th, 2012

Hello everyone,

Two days ago I got a text from my mom’s husband that my sister was arrested. I knew right away it had something to do with her heroin addiction. She began using heroin when she was 16. Now she is 24. I am so very upset about this as she faces 19 felony counts and one misdemeanor. I do my best not to blame my mother and yet I am torn. I grew up in an awful environment. My mom had me when she was 16. We spent our lives going from man to man. All of them abusive in one way or another. On her 7th long-term relationship she had my sister. I was 12 at the time (she was born on my birthday). I took care of her most of the time as my mom began man hopping again. When I was out on my own, my mom called me and told me she couldn’t get through college because my sister and my mom’s current boyfriend were fighting all of the time. At this point my sister was 12. I knew my sisters father to be a decent man although not a great parent. My mom told me she had two years left for her RN. I suggested my sister live with her dad for those two years. We knew it would not be ideal but when my mom got out of college she would have enough time to guide my sister and correct any minor issues. Four years went by and when my sister was 16 she started using. My mom never finished college (is still getting her 2 year RN to this day). I took my sister in when she was 18 and turned my house into a lockdown and de-toxed her myself. After 3 months of her being sober my mom came and picked her up on her way to her next husband. After some time my mom called me and told me she didn’t contact me because my sister ran away. Recently I found out my mom bought her a plane ticket back to where she got addicted in the first place. I was floored. Later my sister moved back in with my mom and I moved down with them to keep an eye on them. My sister was clean again, attending college full time and working full time. She earned good grades and was helping mom pass her classes too. Later I heard from my sister that my mom was blaming her for not passing her classes. Some time passed and my sister told me she was moving out of state with some guy she met because she could not handle the blame game anymore. I didn’t want her to go but since she is an adult she has her own life. She got addicted again. My mom kept asking me if I thought she was using. After a few visits from her my wife and I agreed that she was using again. We talked to my mother about it and told my mom not to send her money anymore. Mom kept sending her money. On the last visit my sister told me that she had told mom she was using again a year ago. My sister told me that during my mothers man hopping one of my mom’s husband molested my sister. Another husband beat my sister. It reminded me of my childhood. My sister does not have her court date yet and my mom is telling me how hard she tried to raise us right and claims my sister is this way because of her fathers side of the family (genetics). I don’t know how to handle this. How do I handle my mom? How do I help my sister? My sister is 24 but has the mentality of a 14 year old (literally). I think she will be torn apart in prison. Her bail is $40,000.00.

Linda B
5:22 pm September 30th, 2012

Dear Jay,
It’s a rough road we travel with drug addicts in our lives. I don’t know if you read the entire page but, over and over again I’ve recommended ALANON and/or NARANON meetings. Please go, and go, and go. Read the literature. Get involved with it. It will help so much. Also, know that you cannot help your sister. She can only do that herself. You can guide her in the right direction when and if she decides she wants that help. God knows I’ve tried forcing my son into sobriety. It’s only a temporary band aid. None of this is probably what you want to hear. Once again go to meetings, it will change YOUR life.

Tanya
3:30 pm October 1st, 2012

Hello,
I have recently started this journey with my daughter. We knew something was going on with her – but never expected heroin. She finally opened up to us in June on a Thursday. On the following Monday she started counseling. It was going good for a bit then she relapsed. She fianally asked to go inpatient. So she started inpatient 2 weeks ago. Seems to be doing well there. All her emotions are coming back and she’ happy one min and sad or mad the next – not sure what we’re going to get when she calls or we see her. Any advice on this journey would be welcomed. Our family is here to support her but I know it’s up to her to find her way. It’s so hard though. I’m scared for when she gets out that she will relapse.

Tanya
4:44 pm October 4th, 2012

My daughter is in rehab – been there 18 days. She seemed to be doing pretty good. Now that she’s not using she has alot of back pain – which is what got her using in the first place. She calls crying and wants to leave. I want her there!! She is threatening to just walk out or do something to get kicked out. She gets so dramatic! Says all the other girls are talking about her and mean to her….. I try to tell her to just stay away from them and that she’s not there to make friends – she’s there to get the help she needs. How do I get her to stay when she is so unhappy?

Sherry
9:23 pm October 5th, 2012

Tanya, I’ve been where you are now. I have two sons that are heroin addicts. One is 5 months sober and the other is 3 months. They both went to rehab 3 times. Two things I will say. First, you can’t make her stay if she doesn’t want to. You can encourage her, refuse to pick her up and talk to her counselor for advice. Most of them say they are going to leave, but they never do. Some may walk out, but most don’t. Second, if she is going into a sober house in the same area as the treatment center, then it is important that she make friends in rehab. If she stays in the area, then she will need the support of others in recovery when she gets out. Hang tough. This is no easy feat. But never, never surrender to this disease.

Lynda
5:50 am October 6th, 2012

My son (who is a drug addict with severe depression) has been hospitalised for the past 7 weeks with psychosis. He’s getting worse in the mental health facility and has already attempted to take his life. He’s extremely depressed and not engaging with the Drs so they just conclude ‘they cant help him’. There about to release him soon and I’m worried because of his extreme depression he’s going to top himself when he comes out. I personally have no faith in the mental health system here in Australia, Drs seem to just use the old excuse ‘he not engaging with us’ as a get out clause. Their only solution is medication and even that hasnt been effective. They refuse to help him with therapy or even drug conselling. I’m so disappointed with the systems as a whole. If that cant help him, what can?

Jay
1:36 pm October 6th, 2012

Hello Tanya. That is an issue with rehab facilities. They can walk out. My sister did three times. After that I locked her up myself in my home. She is in pain. Back pain is on of the symptoms of detoxing from heroin. You could let your daughter know or better yet show her that she can detox under lock and key in prison like my sister is. Take her to the prison and tell her this is the next step. Be blunt. I wish I was. Another thing to find out is the real reason she started using. I know you said back pain but there are better and less costly medications for that. If you can get to the root of the matter, it can be used to aid in her recovery. Good luck :)

Linda B
12:15 am October 8th, 2012

Tanya, They do have pain meds that are non narcotic. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do if she walks out of rehab. If she just doesn’t want to be there or any other rehab, then she really isn’t ready to change anyway. I’ve been through this a several times and I wanted my son to get help more than he did. Once my son finally hit bottom, homeless, pennyless, and no way to do his drugs did he really want help. He asked for it, he begged for it. The hardest thing I had to do in my life was turn away my homeless child. But, a few nights on the streets is what finally did it. He’s been in a Christian men’s home for 3 months now. He’s a different person. He’s finally taken responsibility for all he’s done. He can’t tell us enough how much he loves his family and how he now understands the damage he’s done. He WANTS to be exactly where he is and plans on being there for at least a year. He is becoming a scholar of the bible and he recognizes exactly what in that book pertains to his own life. I certainly hope he continues on this path. Traditional rehab was a waste of time for him. 12 step meetings were a waste of time for him. Us pushing him to get help was a waste of time for us. I am now seeing the fine young man that I always knew was inside of him in recent days. I am very careful not to get my hopes up and I am guarded as far as trusting him. It will take all of us plenty of time for healing from 10 years of his lying, cheating and stealing as a result of his drug use. We are praying that this is the time that the healing can actually begin. Only time will tell. I realize this type of program is not for everyone and I never thought it would be for my son either. Hey, if it works and this is what speaks to his addiction then I’m all for it.

fc
4:00 am October 11th, 2012

I am the mother of a 22 year old addict who started using at about 15 and was first hospitalized for drugs at 16. I’m familiar with so many of these stories. I did find Alanon and some of the parent groups offered at rehab to be very helpful. This year though, Al anon wasn’t enough anymore and I am now seeking Nar-anon meetings. I’ve even thought about starting a Nar anon meeting just for parents of addicts.

Parents of addicts face a unique set of challenges. Sometimes our children are clean and healthy, then we want to be real parents again. We want to support and nurture them. The answers to our problems are not easy or simple.

I do like the 12 step groups when people are supportive and honor each other, not trying to cross talk or give advice but to give loving experience, strength and hope, or just to listen without judging. It’s always ok to laugh too. It’s ok to feel safe.

We can get so paralyzed with fear and guilt and desperation we feel we don’t deserve to live. These are our kids, after all. Our hormones tell us to put everything on the line to save our children! This is very hard.

Linda S
1:19 pm October 12th, 2012

concerned! My daughter has been off meth for 5 months now. She was attending group every day for 2 months. Well her husband had a great job opportunity and he took it, that means no insurance for 120 days, so no more group and counselor visits. she is also alone all day, as he used to come home at lunch, but job is too far away to do that. Her mental health is bad, panic attacks, memory loss, anxiiaty..all normal from coming off a 12 yr meth addiction.
My concern..and now why i am writing you. Her moods are getting bad again, her sleeping habits are bad again. Her husband keeps tight rein on the money, but said he either lost 40.00 or?? She has had no luck finding a job, and only needs part time work he told her. 10-15 hrs a week to help with groceries and to get her out of the house. Is she using again? Is she close? I don’t know. Like in the past i am putting it all in Gods Hands, and reminding myself daily..I did not cause this, I cannot cure, this and I cannot control this!!!
Just achy today…like i said Concerned!!!

Kathy
3:09 pm October 12th, 2012

My daughter is 24 and is in prison for forgery and drugs (left last week for is there for 14 months). If I could change anything I did, it would have been to call the police when I knew her and her boyfriend were dealing pot 3 years ago. She was not doing hard drugs then, and just maybe she would not have started doing oxycotin and heroin if I would have gotten her busted. I know heroin and oxycotin are very addictive, and very hard to quit. When she started shooting up heroin and meth., I spent six months chasing her down and calling police. Finding a drug addict is much harder than you think. They hide so good and contact with the parent is the last thing they do. I spent many hours and days hunting her down, calling police, the police sending her to jail, my daughter going to court and getting out, getting out and doing more heroin and meth, and finally after four felonies and 3 misdem, and violating probation she got put in prison. In prison now, she is safe but I know I can not enable her at all when she gets out. Being an enabler with a drug addict is the same as taking away treatment for your child who has cancer. It will kill them. Marijuana is the gateway drug and a child or adult who has an addicted personality will move on to harder drugs which may kill them. I am lucky my daughter is still alive as she had many close deaths in the emergency room. Have zero tolerance to illegal drugs(always) and alcohol if they get wasted everytime they drink (like my daughter). Addiction! It causes hell in families.

Tanya
4:54 pm October 12th, 2012

How do you go about getting your child into a halfway house? My daughter is due to get out of inpatient rehabb in 10 days. I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to come home. I don’t think she’s ready and she still needs more structure than what she’d get at home. Is there any way to get her into an Oxford home without doing the interview process since she is inpatient right now? If she has to come home before going there I’m afraid she may start using again. SO SCARED!!!

6:47 pm October 12th, 2012

Hi Tanya. You can search for halfway houses by zip code using SAMHSA’s treatment locator tool: http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/. Otherwise, talk to a licensed clinical social worker or addiction specialist and seek a reference to a halfway house in your area. Many inpatient treatment programs arrange halfway house as part of their aftercare program. Can you also contact the residential treatment center that is hosting your daughter and ask for help?

Linda B
10:33 pm October 12th, 2012

As always, life with an addict is very chaotic and fluid, ever changing.
My son is sitting in a Christian men’s facility right now putting all of his faith in a girlfriend of 4 years who is also an addict. She had gone to rehab before my son did. She was bound and determined to never use again and she vowed to help Jake find the road to sobriety as well. I knew it was just talk at the time and yes, she’s began using again. Not only that, she’s seeing her ex boyfriend too. She’s making a complete fool of my son, playing both sides of the fence. Her mother and I keep in contact from time to time to compare notes and find out what’s true and what’s not. Today was a very enlightening conversation between us. Her mother found out from me that her daughter was sneaking to see Jake at the facility, which she has lied about. Among other lies she’s told. I found out that she’s not being true to my son while on his journey and seeing her ex boyfriend behind his back. These 2 are toxic to one another. Their entire relationship is based on lies and drug use. I can’t get my son to see that is not the foundation for a good and functional relationship. If I tell him she’s using again and worse, she’s seeing the ex, he will not believe me and accuse me of trying to break them up. As a mom I want to scratch her eyes out. As the mom of a drug addict I don’t know which way to turn. This girl’s deceit knows no limits and I know this is nothing new, but my son believes in her. I suppose I need to just keep my mouth shut and eventually find out for himself. Although, I would much rather him find out while he’s got the support system where he’s at then after he get out. This news WILL certainly push him over the edge and he’ll want to use again. What to do……..what to do.

Maria
3:06 am October 15th, 2012

I am the mother of a 23 y.o. daughter, she shoots up Meth. She has had drug/mental health issues since the age of 14. She has lived away from home, in one form or another, on and off since age 16. I mourn all the years without her, but part of me is relieved I didn’t have to deal with her addiction first hand for awhile. She lived at home for 10 months recently, what a nightmare, it is amazing how one becomes so numb to all the chaos. The first time in dealing with “Spiders” all over her body, I didn’t know what was going on, she was so convinced and convincing. Boils and abscesses “popping” in her spine and mouth, “scabies” that were most likely her imagination. She had several very sporadic jobs in the first months, then nothing. She went through cycles of activity, going out, not coming home, then sleeping for days and eating huge amounts of food. I have been her strongest advocate, I can truly say I have done all that I can. We spent over 150 thousand dollars on her in the early years of theraputic boarding school, wilderness treatment, psychiatric hospitals, & several recent rehabs…. All I have are the bills and second mortgage to show for this. I said I would not get to the point of “kicking” her out, but that day did come. A month ago, I reached my limit, one too many visits by the paramedics and trips to the emergency room. We have little contact now, she of course blames me. I get so tired of the addict’s view of themselves as the victim! She had never been verbally abusive, well she’s making up for lost time. I believe that it is the drugs speaking through her, but it is still so hurtful to hear “you are worthless as a mother and human being, burn in hell”. THIS IS NOT THE DAUGHTER I KNOW, and I am so scared that she will never get it together. I feel I try to balance on a fence, waiting to fall on the side of hope and recovery, the other side, death. Thanks for listening. M

Mary L
6:32 am October 17th, 2012

Just discovered this site. Read all the posts – cried, gasped, felt the agony of all the things I read. They ALL could have come from me. I know how you all feel – I feel the same things. Guilt – like I’ve failed at the one thing that’s more important to me than anything – a happy, healthy, child who becomes an adult, and “lives happily ever after”. There doesn’t seem to be stories of a “happily ever after” for any of them. Humiliation – mostly in the looks from people who have no idea what life with an addict is like. Who really cares what they think anyway? Still, those looks – like they’d NEVER let something like that happen in their homes; like they feel so sorry for all you have been through; like they have all the answers. Does anyone really have any answers? Anger – being lied to and manipulated, and having things you thought meant the world to you stolen and turned into a quick high, only to realize you’d trade all those things in a heartbeat for a way out of the nightmare your life has become. And then, there’s the first time you realize when you pull into the driveway of your own home you’d rather be ANYWHERE else. What’ll it be today? What kind of lies or BS will you have to sort through? What will be destroyed or gone? And my favorite – Where will you ever find the money this time? But yet you go in anyway, and it starts all over again.
All these kids – good kids – without dreams or hope or any chance of a future. I just can’t allow myself to believe there’s no hope. I’ve prayed – asked God to show me the way, even though I know it’s so little about me, and so much about the drugs, and the loser friends, and the depression. And I know in my heart there’s a way – but how to find it? I know I can’t make it happen. And it seems the prayers will never be answered – at least not the part with the return of the bright-eyed little boy who’d run to you with that big smile, and the “I love you mommy!” Yet, every now and then there’s a glimmer – something that makes you feel in your gut that the little boy you love so much is still in there – SOMEWHERE – lost and struggling (just like you) to find a way out.
So many of you say keep praying – “Let go and let God” – don’t give up hope. I REALLY struggle to keep anything that remotely resembles hope in my life now. Clearly counseling of some kind would be the right move. But again – where to start, how to find a place that can really help – not just send you a bill (or respectfully request payment at time of service) and schedule your next session, or worse – fill you with false hopes and dreams of restoring the life you desperately want back, with no REAL advise how to get there?
I don’t blame myself – but I realize that many of my decisions have been bad ones – even though I thought they were the best I could make at the time. And I am angry that it’s so difficult to find meaningful help for a problem that so many parents and kids share. Yes KIDS – whatever the age, these young people are NOT adults – not by any stretch of the imagination – and sadly, it doesn’t sound like many of them will live long enough to ever experience that part of their lives. They seem to be stuck in that horrible junior high school thing where everyone who’s “old” doesn’t understand anything, and doesn’t know how hard things are, and of course where their friends are the most important part of their lives, and protecting that bond takes priority over making the hard decisions or telling themselves no when the fun and excitement of yes is so much more appealing.
I came here hoping for an answer – a new idea of what to try – a chance for a way out. Is there anything that REALLY works? I know there’s not a “magic pill” – and God knows my son has checked them all out to make sure! I’m going to keep looking – but would certainly appreciate hearing of anything that worked – even if only for a short time. I’ll check the web sites listed in your blogs, and thank you for your help and words of encouragement. I’d like to offer the same to all of you. I won’t give up – but am realistic enough to know I may never find my way either. I sure hope some of you do! All of our kids deserve the “happily ever after” part of this mess. If one of us finds it – there’s hope for us all…

Marisa
2:01 pm October 17th, 2012

Well said Mary L. It’s hard to put into words for me , but you have said exactly how I feel. My 21 yr.old son has been struggling for over 3 yrs now. He has been under the care of a Dr. for 4 months who has him on Suboxone, Lorazapam,and Prozac. All this has done is keep him off heroin. Now we struggle with side effects of legal drugs. He did ok until the Prozac,which has his feelings all over the place. He needs counseling but doesn’t like meetings. He’s been to 2 rehabs, one costing 15,000.00 dollars, the other state funded as we have no more money to spend on his recovery. We have resorted to keeping him home, took his car away, a sort of rehab at home. I know we can’t keep this up indefinitely. Any suggestions on counseling preferably one on one would be appreciated! I pray constantly for his freedom from this nightmare and will never give up hope. I know the Lord has plans for him or he would not still be here.

pam
4:49 pm October 17th, 2012

very well said,Mary……..expecially the part about the humiliation of other people thinking that it would never happen in their home……

Linda B
11:46 pm October 17th, 2012

Mary, I’m so glad you found us. Even if there’s no fixing our kid’s and our lives here, just venting and knowing there’s others for support is helpful.
As for now, my youngest son is doing quite well for the past 2 months in this Christian ministry home. The ministry struggles for money for food, utilities, etc. Today I went to Costco and bought $200 for food to help support 9 men in just this one house (they have 20 houses). My son stays there for free, so the least I can do is buy some groceries to help out and I am happy to do it. Much to my surprise studying the bible and living by the word is something that I never in a million years thought my boy would be receptive to. He WANTS to stay, he WANTS to become a better human being. He’s never once asked to come back here. I am shocked. As I’ve said before, traditional rehabs X 3 has had little to no effect on him. Meetings, 12 steps, sponsors etc. were of no use to him. This is the 1st time he appears to be committed and serious. We’re living day by day and to be honest waiting for it to all blow up once again. That’s what we’ve been programmed to expect year after year. For many years our boy did all the usual addict stuff, cussed us out, blamed us for everything, lying, stealing etc. etc. etc. Now, he can’t tell us enough how he loves us and wants to be a part of our family once again after he’s earned our trust. I have never before heard these words from him. Part of me is very skeptical, but the other part of me wants to believe so badly. At least for now I have my 22 year old 6’4″ little boy back who loves his mommy. For this I am so grateful. If anyone here is from California I would be happy to give you the name of this ministry or others for both men and women. Although, they must be willing to go there on their own accord and I believe already detoxed.
Peace to all of you.

Mary L
11:22 pm October 18th, 2012

I’m so VERY HAPPY for you. I’ll pray for a lasting answer for your family! My son – also 6’4″, and will be 22 in a month – starts detox today! Maybe this time will have a better conclusion. He seems sincere, actually wanting to make a change. Hopefully this time, it’ll be a change FOR LIFE! If not – I’m afraid he won’t see 23…

pam
5:16 pm October 19th, 2012

Good luck and prayers to all……..

Linda B
6:34 pm October 19th, 2012

Prayers are with you and your family Mary for positive and lasting results. Him wanting to make a change is the first step. Keep us posted on his progress and try not to dwell on what’s happening with him. Take some time for yourself and live your life. This is his deal, not yours.

Lynda
11:11 am October 20th, 2012

Michelle, your youn son’s recording for his brother was truly beautiful, I couldnt help crying as I was listening to it. Thanks for sharing it with us and I hope his older brother finds it inspirational and uses it as a motivation for recovery.

Rose
10:35 pm October 29th, 2012

I’m having a moment today – I started going to Al-non because I wanted to kill myself. As a parent I was the one that was sucidal. Today I think its funny that I was so miserable that I wanted to kill myself. After finally reaching out I am shocked that everyone has the a different version of the same story. So much brokeness in our familes and communities because of drugs. I am the mother of a 36 year old herion addict. She has been experiencing problems since about 13. I’ve done everything right and everythingn wrong and nothing has made a difference. She even shot up right in front of me and I told myself watch so that you will hate her and walk away but I didn’t hate her – if anything I felt such sorrow and sadness for what she had become. But today its all funny to me. You see this is a national tradegy and no one is doing a damm thing about it. Drug addiction along with the influx of drugs into this country is an act of terror initself to our way of life. And guess what – nothing is done about it. We do things for AIDS and Cancer and all other problems but what do we do for Drugs. Nothing. Its a billion dollar business for the rehabs. Look at the methadone clincs which by the way should all be shut down. Getting Subxone for your addict child cost a fortune. The Cartel has thier drug suppliers making home deliveries. Honestly this is insane. What a joke it all is. Its not logical. As parents we can’t fight this battle alone. Do we tell an aids patient hey we love you but you got to figure it out. No we dont. The addicts are treated like crap by parents and the public alike. We are dsigusted that someone was too weak to protect themselves yet we protect everyone else that cannot protect themselves. And here we are all trying to hold each other up and to help each other get through it all. It seems nuts and it is nuts. There is very little hope overall. And that’s the reality of it all. As parents we are doomed. Our lives have been hijacked and we are day by day caught in a limbo state of mind. They say the addict stops growing when they start using. Well so do we as parents. Our lives are stunted and most of us never recover, Some things work, some don’t. Do tough love but hey you risk you kid dying. And many do. Or they disappear never to be seen again. If you love your kids how can you stand by and do nothing. Listen we are at war – and we are dealing with this all wrong. We need to get drugs off our streets and out of our communities and out of our country. Its actually that simple. And it really does start with pot – we need to turn back the clock on that lie. Also our society is a pill pooping impatient socieity. Just see all the commericals on TV for medicine for that and this. Where does it stop. I have finally come to the end of my rope. After 22 years I am the one that is hitting rock bottom and I want off this ridiculous merry go round. My daughter isn’t even who I remember. She is just a shell. Inside she is gone.Our drug addicted children and the Zoombies. I work hard to keep a shell alive. Now that is insane. In the animal world the weak are left behind. We as humans fight for those that can;t fight for themselves. There is no answer, But I am over it all. I have to live my life now. 22 years is too much. I will always love my daughter but she is broken and she will always be broken even if she gets off the drugs. Our worlds and views are now completely opposite. We share nothing and she contributes nothing it seems. I beleive in God but this notion that he can heal, well I think people heal by seeking truth and doing the hard work of behavior modification. But most are not going to make it and they will lose the battle and the loss will extend to the entire family. I know my message seems hopeless but its not that. It just my humble opinion.Ultimately we each have to decide what we can really live with. Eventually you get to a point that it is about your own survival.
Blessings

pam
4:44 pm October 30th, 2012

Well, you just about covered it all, Rose. I understand completely. I know I have to live my life but how do I disassociate myself from my son. I just wish my husband and I could have done things differently so this might not have happened to him. But what would we have done???? Please take care of yourself, Rose. I still pray everyday because I feel so helpless that I would be able to change the situation.

Linda B
7:10 pm October 30th, 2012

Oh dear Rose…………….you are right, it is hopeless. Drugs are everywhere and the “war on drugs” is apparently a lost cause. But, WE cannot be hopeless. There is hope for our own lives and how we live it. There is hope that someday our kids may take control of their own lives and desire to live it for the better. As far as God healing, I believe he does that by consuming our problems when we give them over to him to release the burden from ourselves. I’ve said this before, God gave us all free will and he will not ever take that away. Our kids used that free will to do their 1st drug. We use our free will to take ourselves to the pits of hell. I’ve given my burdens over to God and have excercised my free will to live a good and productive life. That is not to say I don’t fall, I certainly do. But, once again I have to use my free will to climb out of that pit of hell. We all have much to give to our neighbors, community, country and the world. I have dedicated my life to helping others. This gives me a purpose. Putting others, people I know as well as strangers, ahead of myself seems to help fill that void of the loss of my child. Amazingly, not dwelling on my own problems makes me a much happier person. There are many, many in need. Them I can help. My son I cannot. He can only help himself. So it seems, he is trying his best right now to help himself. After repeated rehabs that didn’t help at all he is now in a Christian program for men who have the desire to change their lives. Much to my surprise he’s embraced it all. He too has given his burdens over to God and he is so full of love and remorse. He stays in the program as long as he needs. He doesn’t have any plans on leaving anytime soon. In retrospect, I am glad that I didn’t loose ALL hope. Only time will tell. Rose, I am not a church goer. But, God is a huge part of my life. Without him I would of been suicidal myself. Keep going to meetings. They will help you so much. It also helps me to know that I am not alone in my sorrow and that so many of you have said things that have really helped in MY recovery. Bless you all.

Lynda
11:01 pm October 30th, 2012

Yes Rose we are fighting an uphill battle against a sick society and a corrupt government who really has no will to do anything other than please and met every demand of the rich and elite. They dont really care about the drug issue because it mostly affects working class and the marginalised societies – pretty much, those that dont have the power. And if by some small chance the rich or elite become addicts they can afford to send them to the best rehabs as exorbitantly high costs. Yes Rose it sickens me to.

Rose
3:51 pm November 1st, 2012

Good Morning and thank you all for your encouragement and sharing of hearts. I continue to go through growing pains this week and its painful. I against my better judgement put myself in the middle of a situation, again, involving my daughter in attempts to prevent her from being homeless. Now most will see I am once again enabling or rescuing but the truth of the matter is that I am doing what I can so that the mess that will be dumped at my door is at least smaller. You see when I don’t intervene I am then overwhelmed to the point of despair with my daughters problems. I have come to realize this week that I have been desperately trying to manage her life so that my life does not become any worse than it already is. However it is impossible to manage anything in this world especially things that are 100% out of our control. This morning at 6am she called and told me that I don’t have her back and that I am ruining her life and chances and that I am judgemental and well it went on and on. And I had to laugh because it become so crystal clear that I am responsible for stepping into the toxic waste that she creates. So from this day forward I must disengage from all things connected with her and mostly for my sake to tell the truth. I am so aware today that no matter what I do for her it wont make a difference. And that only she and her God can make a difference. I have been spinning my wheels for years under the guise that I am a loving and caring Mom in helping her but I now see that even though I do love her a great deal my “helping” has done nothing more than made my own life a complete and total mess. I guess the trick now is how to seperate myself while still being loving. This is the task at hand. I must learn to protect who I am and not continue to compromise my own personal values. If I decide to help her financiallly at any point I must do so as though it is a gift and not have any expectations nor worry about how the money is being used. I have to give and then release. That is the only way to help otherwise I should give nothing. I cannot give advice ever even if she ask. Instead I need to say I hear you and good luck with everything. If she or someone dealing with her tries to drag me into her problems I need to say I’m sorry but it is not my doing nor my responsiblity. There have been times that because of pride I have cleaned a mess up so that folks don’t think our family is trash. I have to get rid of pride as it relates to her. Although I certainly could have done a better job at some things overall I did a commendable job in raising her. I taught her from a young age about the perils of drug use and so forth. I was appropiately candid and a loving mother. And I was even a tough Mom. But she took even the smallest of reasons to experiment with drugs and then once she was hooked it was everyone elses fault and she has done nothing but thrown lies and fantasy and illogical thinking at us and I especially have taken it. As parents we do feel responsible and we also take on our childrens disappointments very personal. We want to be loved by them and we want to protect them. Sometimes in these endeavors we mess up and kids that have a tendency to addictions will use all these things to mess with our intelligence and common sense. We all know that most of these kids are really bright which baffles us parents even more – yet they use that intelligence to manipulate us 24 hours a day to the point that we lose our own personal identities and common sense prespective and we become these desperate depressed low self esteem parents grabbing at anything to change the situation and save our children from the clutches of addiction. What we don’t often get is that many of them like the drugs and have no intention of recovering. Sure some do when they hit thier rock bottom which is never what we think rock bottom is for them but overall its alot more kids that don’t recover and that;s the truth. Even if they stop thier addiction thier personalities remain impossible to deal with. And thier brains never really recover. So in the end even if they make it out they are always cracked and we remain viligent forever. That it itself is just heartbreaking. Today I have hope but not for her instead for myself. I have to release her completely and turn the attention to myself and the things I have to work on and fix that are now broken because of addiciton. I will not blame her anymore or judge her anymore and I will not try to control her anymore or fix her or save her. She will no longer be my responsiblity and I will not put myself in the middle of her problems ever again. Today I have learned a very important lesson in this toxic parent – child dance. That in my desperation to help her I have created a monster not just in her but in myself. I hope that in destroying my own monster that somehow it will at least take away the power of her’s. If not then I will not do battle with her’s or anyones for that matter. I will attend to my own life and only assist others through an orgaization but never on my own. I am not strong enough yet to honor my boundaries yet. My prayers will always be with all the parents who suffer and with all the lost children and I will keep some hope tucked into a corner of my heart always but please don’t tell anyone…..

Eliana Stern
11:35 pm November 7th, 2012

Addiction is caused by a variety of factors, some genetic and some environmental.

There are messages that you can send your kid to help them develop the desire for recovery. There may be messages you are sending your kid without realizing it that your child is using to justify their addiction.

I don’t believe that just detaching and walking away from the problem is appropriate when it comes to a parent-child relationship. There is a delicate balance between detaching and engaging that we must walk as parents to show our children how valuable they are without sacrificing our own sanity.

Every parent wants their child to have the best chance at recovery. Never give up on your kid!

pam
5:43 pm November 13th, 2012

Unfortunately, I used to think like you, Eliana, but now Rose makes much more sense to me….I wish not but it is so….

Jim
1:33 pm November 15th, 2012

I agree with Eliana, it’s very easy to get discouraged. I am there almost every day. Sometimes a text will set me off either way, that I am being manipulated or that recovery is just around the corner. In any event I can always choose, with my adult addict, how I can react, relate or recover. Sometimes one day at a time ,breaks down to an hour, or a minute or less. I use this mantra, if it helps anyone, “it’s a disease, like any other the treatment or not is at hand”. For me it makes it easier to detach. Causes frankly in my opinion are irrelevant. It is what it is, treatment/recovery is at the hands of the person afflicted. I say to my son often, “nothing changes, if nothing changes”, and you have to change. Peace, Jim

Linda S
3:06 pm November 15th, 2012

Jim, i agree with what you wrote. The change is in the hands of my daughter and her recovery is 100% up to her. She was clean for 5 months, slipped up once. but this time instead of feeling like why bother she is a loser and keep using, she got angry at herself and went right back to her meetings and now is clean for 2 months. It is a day by day, hour by hour recovery…and my saying to myself over and over is always. I did not cause it, I cannot cure it and I cannot control it !!!

Linda B
5:24 pm November 15th, 2012

Rose, very well said.
Our kids KNOW we love them deep down in their souls. Our love for them does not have to be on the condition that we succumb to their demands, manipulations etc. If they were to recover from their addictions, in the end they will respect us for not getting sucked into their insanity.The more they use and abuse us, the more they will use and abuse, taking it further each time. One of the lines I give to my son, “I love you so very much, but you must take charge of your own life. I will not make things easier for you nor will I make them harder”. For now he is free of drugs and thinking much clearer. The boy is grateful that we have taken this stand. He now feels empowered because we gave that power completely to him. This is a good thing. God bless each and every one of you.

Rose
6:11 pm November 15th, 2012

After 22 years I have not been able to walk away but lately I have had to have much stronger boundaries in order to survive and in order to have any relationship with my daughter. Just last night at 3am I got a call from her that she needed someone to pay for a taxi home and she ended up in the ER with a horrible asthma attack. Since it was not drug related I helped her get home. But if it had been drug related I would not have helped her. She is starting to see that I am changing which is giving her pause in the choices she makes. She may fall again but if she does she is starting to understand that she alone will have to pick herself up. I tell her all the time that I love her and that I always will. But I am also telling her that I need to take better care of myself and that I will actually be putting myself first over her needs. Also that I choose to live my life void of drugs and bad behavior and that if she wishes to have a relationship with me she needs to do the same otherwise we will not be close. I have had to do the same with my brother who at 52 has a meth problem. He now knows that he cannot call me when he is high and he knows I will cut him out completely if he goes on a drug high rant with me. He recently shared that my stronger boundaries actually helps him.
I have been through hell and back with my daughter time and time again. Its taken me to the point of rock bottom in my own life. Today I am choosing life and choosing myself. That does not mean I don;t love her anymore or that I may never help her anymore however I will not sacrafice my own life anymore either. I have known many addicts and I don’t believe in the diease labeling of such. I feel it is more a behavior issue and a character flaw within people. Also if you look and believe in the diease of addiction and compare it to other illness why are not addicts doing all they can to heal as are with convential illness. You see I think that labeing just gives addicts more permission to use just like I don’t support relasping. Again just tells them hey its okay to relaspe or that relaspe is part of recovery. That’s just a complete falsehood set up to take the pain away from the families dealing with them. That is my own opinion after years of dealing with this and years of studing this destructive elment in our society. In any event each person must find what method for survival works best for them, In the past it was always to stand by her side at all cost but today its too stand at my own side and to get out of the way of her and God’s journey and instead attend to my own relationship with God and with myself. And yes service to others that is truly appreciated and makes a difference can help us feel like we are giving rather than service to our sick addicted children who only throw all gifts away. We need to find ways to lessen the power of drugs over our lives and maybe then they will take notice enough to think clearly and want that change for themselves.
Blessings to all.

Linda B
5:14 pm November 16th, 2012

Rose,
Myself, I don’t buy into addiction as a disease either. I’ve often heard that it’s a disease just like diabetes is. The diabetic did not make the choice to be diabetic. The addict did however make the choice to begin using. I know they did not choose to be an addict, but by even using the first time it opened them up to addiction. As for my son, he was taught that. Therefore, he chose this lifestyle. Now kicking the habit is the issue. A person cannot kick being a diabetic. In my opinion labeling addiction as a disease removes all responsibility from the addict. Oh, he can’t help it, he’s got a disease, NONSENSE. This also opens us parents up to giving into their manipulations and lies because they can’t help it. Nar-anon and/or al-anon believe in the disease theory which is not for me, although, they do have much to offer as far as taking care of ourselves. This is only my opinion and I do not expect anyone to agree.
My son for the moment is doing well. Although, I approach him very cautiously, but optimistic. I cannot completely open myself up to him. I assume it will take many years of sobriety and honesty from him to slowly become the mother to him I long to be. Trust will not come easy for me nor my husband. Drug use over the years has robbed us of our precious child. Drug use steals from us what should be a given after lovingly raising and guiding our children. Even after they are clean our mistrust remains. We have been programmed to expect chaos.

Linda B
6:29 pm November 19th, 2012

The holidays are upon us once again. I’m dreading it, as I’m sure most of you are too. The past 2 Thanksgivings have been a nightmare. My sons shows up talking a good game and both times has ended up storming out of the house angry and unreasonable. Prior to these 2 years we did not see him at all. This year he’s been sober for months and is begging to come home for Thanksgiving. He says over and over again how grateful he is for the family he has and how he wants to make amends for all the hell he’s put us all through. I so much want to believe in him, but he’s fooled us before many, many times. I have told him that I refuse to walk on egg shells in my home at any time and especially the holidays. I refuse to have yet another holiday ruined. He has taken all responsibility for his actions. Still, I cannot bring myself to believe in him. What do I do, refuse him or give in and just see how it goes? It’s a shame, this kid has me running so scared. Any suggestions?

Rose
10:01 pm November 19th, 2012

Hi Linda-
I am in agreement with you on the diease concept. So many people wish to argue that with me but it makes no sense. Sometimes I think that we are fed this so that we have something to blame it on or make something else responsible because it can be so painful for most parents to deal with the truth. As parents we can so easily blame ourselves or ask ourselves whether we messed up or not. I use to feel responsible for many years but once I got to the point of having done everything possible then I realized that she always had a choice. God gives all free will. Some choose great things and some don’t, Its not that they are bad but they may not be as healthy as others. In hindsigh I can know look at the past more honestly and I can see where things started to unravel. At the time I did not see it clearly so I did the best I could with the information and tools I had at the time. Kids should not experiment. That’s another excuse people manufacture that kids will experiment. Well no not all do. And the ones that do make themselves very vulnerable to a horrible life. We teach that addiciton is a diease and that relaspe is part of healing and that its acceptable to experiment and even to allow our kids to find thier voice and so forth. Honestly knowing what I know now that;s all a bunch of falsehoods. As for Al-non I take what works for me and leave the rest there. There is alot that I do not agree with and that’s fine. There are things that I can learn from the program but until I see or feel differently I will honor the conclusions that I have come to on my own journey.
Also I don’t need the gentleness that comes from all the labels. I like to confrront and with truth head on. In some ways programs offer a safe haven so that we can rest before another crisis. My feeling is that each person must figure what they can live with. Some people can do okay living with addiction. I am not one of those. I need my personal space to be without toxic drama. I’d rather pay for an apt for my daughter not because I am enabling her but because I don’t want her in my space. I can live with that.Take care, God bless and Happy Thanksgiving. I am today grateful that I am learning to find ways to be joyful even when there is chaos all around me.

pam
12:01 pm November 20th, 2012

I do think some diabetics “choose” to be a diabetic when they choose to eat unhealthy, not exercise, use tobacco, etc…..As far as alcoholism/drugs I do think it is a disease – a disease in the brain, somthing in the thinking that wants and craves the drugs for whatever reason…If you could change the thinking which is a physical part of the brain, I suppose you could change the life….God bless all in this Thanksgiving week…

Sherry
4:32 pm November 20th, 2012

For those having a tough time with the question of disease or not a disease, please watch a dvd entitled Pleasure Unwoven. The person in the film is a M.D. who is also a recovering addict. It is a wonderful tool and explains very clearly addiction and what happens in the addicted brain. It is well worth the $20 or so for the cost. I have loaned my copy out many times. Watch it and then watch it again. Sending out prayers and hugs to all dealing with this issue. My two sons are now 5 and 6 months sober (heroin) and doing better than they ever have. Praying it continues.

Rose
8:18 pm November 20th, 2012

I did something different this week. My daughter called and was very depressed about a love interest This had been a toxic relationship and also inappropiate. I have not supported it because of those things. Anyhow the partner was cruel again and drinking and hurt by daughter a great deal. So once again they broke up and my daughter said she was done. About a week later my daughter was no again in denial and very depressed. She had not left her room, eaten or gotten up from bed for 48 hours. I called her and she was so rageful and angry blaming others for ruining her chances at true love. That is what she believed. Anyhow she was so despondent and insane and I just listened and then told her that if she felt much worse that maybe she could check hereself into a hospital. I told her and loved her then hung up. I prayed for her and that’s it. Usually my typical response would have been to call all over town and talk to mental health hosptials and to have arranged for her to go somewhere and so forth. I would have wasted hours on this looking for a way to ease her pain and suffering and so forth. But I did none of it and I am so grateful that I learned this type of compassion from Al-Anon. Anyhow a few days later she texted that she knew I had prayed for her (which I had). She thanked me and said she was feeling much better and things seemed more clear to her understanding. So you see we don;t always have to spin out of control and try to do things. Her recovery, her life, all of it is her choice. I can only stand near to love her but not to do for her what she can do for herself.
I am encouraged that focusing on myself rather than her will be not only me healing but her as well.
Blessings to all!

Dale
6:07 pm November 23rd, 2012

So glad I found this place. My son is in jail was found breaking in to someone house has been dealing heroin… He is 33 yrs old not a child anymore but still just as painful when we went through this when he was 19. I feel he is so broken he will never come back from this and yet I know as long as he is alive he has a chance. being here helps, Thank you all… my heart goes out to each and everyone one of you.

Linda S
4:39 pm December 6th, 2012

Oh how i so dislike the holidays!
Went to visit with my son Thanksgiving..had a wonderful relaxing time. Came back to find out my daughter relapsed and was using Meth again. She quit her job, her excuse is she can’t work without getting high and she does not want to be high anymore. but now all the mental health issues is coming up, the detox again and my consent worry. what if her husband leaves her like he did before…how will she make it survive? I cannot support her, she cannot live with me unless I ended my own marriage. and this i will not!!!
Does the worry concern ever stop…is there ever any peace for us parents?? 29 years old and been using since she was 16! I am tired and to be honest not sure i can take this anymore. Working long hours to pay off loans family members co signed that she ran from..just tired!

Trinity
7:18 pm December 8th, 2012

My 31 year old son has a long history of drug abuse. I allowed him to live with me since Feb of 2012. He worked and did well and then the drugs started again but he went deeper into because he was manufacturing and using meth. I was finding all the things used to manufacture meth inside and outside of the house and his room smelled like chemicals all the time. I warned him repeatedly if he didn’t stop and get help I would evict him and that if I found anything else on the premises I was calling the cops. I decided to have him evicted anyway because I couldn’t take the madness any longer and last Monday he came home and left again and I noticed he went down the side of the house and then left with a guy in a truck. I went outside to look around and found a duffel bag behind the bushes with Coleman Fuel, Sudafed, cold packs, lithium batteries so I called the cops. He came rolling in an hour later and didn’t know I had called the cops. They found syringes and a little less than a gram of meth on him. He was arrested for manufacturing meth and possession. I am racked with guilt that I called the police on my son but I was afraid he would blow himself or my house up. If the DEA had determined my house was an active Meth Lab, it would have been quarantined and cost us thousands of dollar to have it decontaminated. They couldn’t say for sure he mfg in his room but they found evidence that he was mfg in my outdoor shed. When they searched his room they found more syringes and I’ve since learned he was shooting up about every four hours so he was on it bad. He went from 160 lbs to 123 lbs when booked into jail and he’s 6 ft tall. Again, I was watching him die right before my eyes so I felt I had to do something. This is so painful, I can’t stop crying, I feel like rat snitch. Anyway, after 5 days I bonded him out with a court ordered bond that he be released to the custody of a drug recovery home and must complete the program. Any violation and he goes back to jail. I don’t think he wants recovery and will more than likely bolt but when they find him he’ll do a lot of time in prison and they will find him. What a nightmare.

Trinity
9:10 pm December 8th, 2012

Linda, my heart goes out to you. I’ve know what my son’s addiction has done to my family. My daughter will no longer speak to me because she says I’ve put my son above everyone else in the family.
My husband has Alzheimer’s so he really doesn’t understand how I feel or what has been going on over the last 6 months. Sometimes, I don’t feel like living anymore, I’m so beat down. Two children that hate me for different reasons but it hurts deep. I’m guilt ridden about calling the cops on my son but I really felt I had no choice because even if the eviction had taken place he would have continued to make and use meth, he would have been calling me for money because he had no place to live or no food to eat and probably ended up dead so maybe I saved his life but that’s up to him. Ironic how they always have money for the drugs but no money to provide a roof over their head or food. Things will never be the same but I wasn’t the one breaking the law, he was.

Lynda
12:50 am December 9th, 2012

Dear Trinity, you definitely did the right thing and I know its hard for you. I too had to evict my son (because of continual drug use on my premises) so I understand what your going through. And yes I constantly feel guilt even though I know it is for the best. I guess they’ve just got to learn to take responsibility for their own actions even if they make mistake after mistake along the way. My thoughts are with you and I hope things improve soon.

pam
1:39 am December 9th, 2012

Trinity….You did the 1 and only thing you could do…I also am so tired of it all and cried most of yesterday…Went to yoga today and the meditation was on letting go of everything out of our control…And for today it helped but tomorrow is another day but I will try so hard to remember to be grateful for the good in my life…Trinity, I pray and hope for the best for you and your family….

Denise
2:01 am December 9th, 2012

Rose: It sounds like you are now in a really good place for yourself. You are right. It is so very hard. I have been in this toxic dance for 10 years, almost half of my daughter’s life (she’s almost 25 now).

Some times it has been easier to detach than others. Right now we are not in touch and I miss the child I had. The hardest times are when I see a glimpse of that child returning. It’s so hard to accept that glimpses always end.

Good for you for being strong at last;

Rose
7:33 am December 10th, 2012

Trinty – I also called the cops on my daughter years ago when I allowed her to stay with me and I caught her doing herion. She could not believe that I did it and cried out for me not to let the cops take her. I did it anyway and let her stay there until they let her out. Honestly I’d rather have her in jail then free doing herion. The jail time helped – she stayed clean (not sober) for almost 5 years.
As for the debate about the diease aspect. My opinion is mine, everyone has one. But regardless it really is not relevent to what the loved ones are going through. If its a diease it does not lessen the pain and suffering that these addicts are causing the rest of us. I don’t think we should excuse them because it might be an illness. That’s hogwash. All this nonesense is just to try and make us feel better. The truth is addiction is horrible and destructive and most of the damage cannot be reveresed ever. Some make it out and really turn thier lives around more don’t. The way I see it our entire society and goverment is losing the war on drugs big time. As parents we need to do all we can but even then it might not be enough. If I had to do it all over again I would have never gave my daughter money or paid her rent or gotten her out of all the situations. I would have been much tougher a long time ago. Instead I wanted to help her, protect her, love her but in enabling her I screwed up. The result were two broken lives not just one. I should have locked her up while I still had control of her but once she turned 18 it was all over. I had lost her for the time being. I’ve been at this game for 22 years. It does not get easier or less painful but I am learning to live my life with joy regardless of the choices she makes. If she is sick she can decide to get well. Period. She is not my responsibility, I love her so much but today I am choosing to love myself more and first. I work my program in Al-alnon which has saved me. I am the one that hit rock bottem and I wnated to die just a few months ago. Today I want to live. Today I no longer let her problems consume me or my time. I am nice to her and love her but I don’t allow her to manipulate or do I allow her to infect me or my life with her choices. I tell her I love her all the time. But I no longer try to control or cure her. That’s her job whether she is sick or not. I might help her with rent or a bag of groceries or a haircut but she cannot live in my house and I will not give her cash nor will I pay for everything like I did before. She can get food stamps so thier is not reason for her to strave. There are shelters everywhere. Let her feel the pain and consequences of her choices. If she can live with that then that’s her business. I recently read “My Beautiful Boy” by Sheff. I would recommend it to all parents. I also read the book his son wrote about his struggle with Meth. That was hard to read but I forced myself. I look at both my daugther and my brother both who have had serious challenges with drug use. Both of thier lives suck and until such time they stop doing drugs life will be horrible. None of us need to feel quilt for that. It is thier choice diease or not. As strange as it sounds I actually feel more love for my daughter than ever before. But instead of being angry and actally have compassion but that does not mean that I have to take care of her. I pray for her daily, go to my daily alanon meeting and do all I can to take care of myself. For now things are calmer and she seems okay, I realize that might change anytime and if it does I will deal with things but I will do so with new wisdom and courage and a newfound trust that God is in charge of her and that they will eventually work it out. I no longer need to get it the way of that.
May God bless you all and provide each of you with comfort and grace and a clear path out of the misery and suffering from loving an addict.

SK
11:55 pm December 30th, 2012

Has anyone ever “baker acted” their child? (mandatory mental evaluation). Did it help? I feel helpless like I should do something before something bad happens but don’t know what to do.

Sue
1:17 am December 31st, 2012

The USA has lost the war on drugs. In our local newspaper recently, I read an article that told readers that death by OD was at an all time high in the city that houses our state capital. As I write this tonight, a friend’s daughter is facing homocide charges for delivering to someone who OD and died. My son is facing 10 years in prison and hasn’t bothered to even follow through in getting a public defender, which is a violation of the bond conditions he is to follow after fencing over $125,000 in stolen property. He is also on probation for burglarizing our home and taking over $10,000 in items that were passed down through our generations. My son looks years older than he actually is, hasn’t worked on anyones payroll for years, relies on charity, public assistance and the money he can get from selling foodstamps or stealing whenever the opportunity presents itself.

I’ve initiated contact with the police on several occasions believing that he is better off in jail than dead, and any guilt I had for making those calls is long gone. He either needs to sit or will die. As I said, he is on probation and recently was taken by ambulance to the ER after on OD. The police were called and I’d assumed that since this is a violation of his probation, he’d be returned to jail, but that didn’t happen. I’m not sure anyone really cares anymore, because this problem is so huge. I’ve had him arrested twice, and gotten him incarcerated on a probation violation but it seems that unless I do, no one else does. And I have to ask myself, to what end? He continues to use regardless of the consequences.

I went through a very dark time with all of this and I no longer have the capacity to love unconditionally. I will only allow him into my heart and life again when he is drug free. And you know what? If he OD’s and dies, it’s not because of what I need to do to protect myself, it is because he is an addict and cannot control the disease. This is heartwrenchingly sad, but true and I will not allow him to ruin my life too. I liken this is Alzheimer’s Disease, which is described by loved ones as the disease of two deaths. First the lost of self and awareness, the second the lost of the body. His body lives, but Heroin is always first and foremost on his mind.

God bless you all. My wish for you is to not loose yourselves to an adult child’s addiction. You cannot control it, you can only control yourself.

pam
12:55 pm December 31st, 2012

Oh, Sue, it is all so heartbreaking especially at this time of the year when all is magnified…I also am so tired of rearranging my life for my son….I know that when he was inpatient this summer, I remember the counselor repeating not to lose your own life over the life of your loved one when you have tried so hard to help that person…2013 is a new year and I look forward to it but I also know that I will know the fate of my son and I am scared to death over that….Good luck and God bless your own life and all others who suffer as we do…..

SK
1:34 pm December 31st, 2012

Is there any way to get jails and prisons to offer truly beneficial addiction treatment to those incarcerated? They all say that they do, but this is B.S.

Jim
7:11 pm January 2nd, 2013

Dear Sue, I was very touched by your story and I am so sad you have to face this. It is absolutely true, you have done all that you can. I too believe the system sucks. Even for those with means putting your child in rehab 5-10 times only to see all your money gone, your hopes destroyed and your future dark. Thank you for your blessings and kind words, I’ll keep you and your entire family in my prayers. Jim

Lynda
12:01 am January 3rd, 2013

We are living in the age of BS. SK. Mental health services say they provide life skill support, drug counselling and CBT therapy but that is also BS. The only thing Mental health provide is medication and most clients will give it up as soon as they step out of the Acute care setting.
I so yearn for governments that do more than just duplicity but the question is how do we get them to be more accountable to the public especially when everything centre’s around budget deficits.

Linda B
2:10 am January 5th, 2013

Addiction is epidemic. No way to know just how many. There just isn’t a simple answer. When we were kids using drugs was taboo and left to the low lifes. The only homeless were concentrated on skid row. Now experimenting with drugs and alcohol is socially acceptable to a point. Now, homeless are everywhere, even in small towns. Back then all the social programs were not in place, now they aren’t. What’s wrong with this picture? The norms have changed and we have to ask ourselves why and when. Rehab doesn’t work, All the therapy in the world doesn’t help. Education in schools isn’t effective. Education at home doesn’t mean a hill of beans. The changes in social attitudes has not served us well, teenage pregnancies, drugs, lack of respect for authority etc. etc. etc. is just out of control. Maybe we ought to be concentrating on the causes as a whole society because the treatment of the devastating symptoms sure isn’t working.
Thinking back in the day when everyone was was accountable for their actions and the bad deeds weren’t blamed on guns, parenting, or society etc. for the most part it worked, not perfectly, but it worked. Now, everyone has a scapegoat to blame their actions on and it is accepted as valid. As for me, I’m my son’s scapegoat and so many people just blindly accept it. Sad, so sad.

Sue
3:13 pm January 5th, 2013

Well, I haven’t cried in a long time over my son, but your support and empathy brought tears to my eyes especially knowing that it comes from people who really understand. Even thought parents of addicts are all around us, it’s a lonely existence. It took a long time for me to get over my feelings of shame and guilt because so often the first thing people say is “where were the parents?” Fortunately, I never had guilt over my parenting style, I loved, nurtured and respected that boy without coddling or making excuses for the things he did, I always held him accountable. I did geel guilty about the not knowing. How could I live with someone as addicted as him without seeing it? That still baffles me. Looking back, there were signs, but looking back does me absolutely no good.

Looking forward I think about our mental health and substance abuse system and services. They are inadequate, but that’s nothing new and quite frankly, these systems don’t respond to persons who are addicted like they did 20 years ago. Responsibility is placed squarely on the persons shoulders, and offers of service are made, but are not impassioned, offering a service without connecting with a person doesn’t really open a new door. But that is reality and that takes me back to who really cares? The system is overwhelmed with addicts, volunteer organizations and homeless shelters are as well. Families are turning their backs and people are dying. So what can we do?

I, for one, am considering organizing a support group for parents of addicted children. That is something I can do with conviction and passion given my background. It may not do a lot for our addicted children, but who really knows? Right now our motto is “Say No to Drugs” and I bet we all said it, I didn’t have the knowledge or a place to turn to truly understand what addiction looks like and how I could have responded, so if it can give even a few parents a sense of community, I believe that this make a significant difference.

Amy
1:56 am January 11th, 2013

I have two young adults who are addicted to heroin. One is trying to get sober & the other is trying to avoid getting caught by the police.
I would love to start a program in my area for parents like us. It is so hard. You don’t realize how many other parents are in the same situation. Instead you suffer in silence and shame.
I went to a meeting in October (the only one this group has had so far) and there were about twenty five parents there. Every single parent there had a heroin addict for a child. EVERYONE of them! I left that meeting with a new attitude about the addiction. “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it”… this is my new motto.
My boys do not live with us any longer. They are no longer welcome at our home, having stolen anything they could sell. Since we asked them to leave, my oldest daughter has moved back home now that the drug addicts are gone. My house is filled with peace. I worry about my boys, don’t get me wrong, it is just not in my face on a daily basis.
It is so hard to have no one who understands to talk to. I have tried to talk to other parents, but most don’t really understand addiction. They think you did something wrong. They think that if you keep your kids busy enough it will not happen to them. They are so wrong!

Donna Wheeler
4:21 pm January 11th, 2013

My son is 23 and a diabetic and an iv drug user. He has had 9 surgeries to drain abcesses or tissue from infected sites where he shoots up. He has just about driven me insane. The sweet, kind, loving child I raised only exists when he is trying to con me or family members out of money.

Trinity
9:05 pm January 11th, 2013

I made my son leave my home 3 days ago after finding 6 syringes and a meth pipe in his jacket pocket. After bailing him out of jail 1 time for mfg meth and possession he was arrested again on another mfg meth charge and possession of paraphernalia. Stupid me bailed him out again because he vowed he go into rehab. That never happened and now I’m in the hole $3500 and he has continued to use meth and as Amy said at least it’s not in my face everyday now. He has no intention of stopping and if he doesn’t show up for his court dates I’ll be held responsible for the $35,000 if they can’t find him. It’s a mess and I enabled but not any more. I should have left him in jail the first time but addicts are career liars and a parent wants to believe they will stop the addiction madness but they can’t. Either he’ll die or get arrested again or he’ll run. If he runs, at some point they’ll find him and then he’ll spend 30 years in prison. They say the addict has to hit bottom and the bottom is different for everyone. Truth is, I don’t think there is a bottom for my son. It’s very sad and pathetic to watch my son killing himself but it is what he chooses and I will no longer worry about him or help him.

Rose
8:30 am January 12th, 2013

Happy New Year to you all but then again as parents of addicts it seems every holiday and every new year is stressful, frusterating, heartbreaking and so on. We all have the same story more or less, and our families are broken beyond repair quite frankly. As tough and fearless as I have become I feel for yet another lie. My daughter who had been out of state for about 8 months asked to borrow money to come home for Christmas. She said thanksgivng had been so lonely and she really needed to come home. She said she was working and that she would have her work send me her check. I believed her which is laughable now – so here she was on Christmas Day and the minute I laid eyes on her I knew I had make a terrible mistake. I was so excited to see her as I had no even seen a picture of her in the entire time. But what I say was a strung out criminal. She came to our house and its been the worse time ever. First of all she had an abcess explode in our guest bathroom/bedroom and that was just horrible. I walked in on her one day accidentaly and almost passed out from the horror of her body. She has abbcess scars and needle marks throughout her entire body! Her legs look like someone shot her with a machine gun. I guess since all her veins are collaspsed she now shoots up in her muscle areas. She swore she was clean but not only did I find a needle in her suitcase but found one of my spoons from my best set hidden in a jacket pocket. She swore she did not know how it got there. There was several days that she went crazy and disappeared overnight and then we discovered that she had stolen $80 in change from our vacation savings. She also stoled money I had given her to get a bus pass since she does not drive or have a license. She also never paid her previous roomate for the utilities and spent that money ($180). This was the icing on the cake. In 20 years we have spent close to$400K on her and for what. I told her that if she continues to please do us all a favor and just kill herself. I meant it and I don’t even feel bad for saying it. I feel no quilt or shame or responsiblity or pity or anything. This is not my daughter. I buried her years ago when the sweetness left her face. I have buried her time and time again in my mind – but she keeps coming back and each time its worse and worse. She is a criminal and can’t tell the truth at all anymore. I liken her to all the other addicts who are the walking dead in my opinion. As for our Goverment they gave up long ago. I think they want this kids to die and for the families to fall apart. Otherwise more would be done about this insane problem especially with Meth and heroin, REhabs are nothing more than a rip off, its a billion dollar business and it does not work. So here we are desperate parents and we just about kill ourselves to help our kids. I say forget it. We have to stop this. There is an answer but if they don’t want to help themselves then we should not help them at all. Or baby them. Or believe thier lies and so forth. Yesterday my daugher left and moved into a shared situation I told her that she can never come home again. I told her that she interferes with my recovery and my serenity and my abiity to grow so therefore she is not welcome here. I told her that if she blows this new living arrangement that she can go to the local rescue mission for all I care. I told her if she comes here or harrass me that I will obtain a restraning order. I really don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. Naturally I hope she makes it but she is going to have to do it on her own from now on. I will not feel one bit guility if she does not. I figure this is all between her and her maker. If she’s broken she can get fixed but it isn’t going to be on my time or dime anymore. She will have to earn our trust and respect. WE are not longer just handing it to her because she’s our daughter. We all overdue for our kids and that’s why they can’t do for themselves. Our society is fostering handicap worthless dependent people. Its not okay. The drugs coming into this country is not okay. The mental health system is not okay. The lack of goverment and leadership with this problem is not okay. None of us want to be enablers or co-dependents but if we are responsible we fight and do what we can with the tools at our disposal but here’s the thing. The majority of young people who do these drugs that make it are so so few. Most will not. Most families won’t survive this emotionally or financially. I say cut your losses and get back on track with your own life. Until they feel the pain of having nothng and nobody they will not lift one finger to help themselves. My heart goes out to all of you. This illness is devasting to not only the addict but those that love that addict. We have to forget about them and change ourselves and live to have joy and happiness regardless of what our kids are doing to themselves. WE have to have some measure of protection for ourselves. WE have to have strongere boundaries. WE can’t for one second let down our guard. I recently did and it blew up in my face once again. I will not continue to be held hostage by this situation. God Bless each of you and comfort you as you battle this situation. I think more parents need to come together and form locals support groups. Together maybe we can at least save ourselves.

Alison
11:10 am January 12th, 2013

I lost my daughter on the 30th November 2012. I got a phone call at about 6.30am from an paramedic to say that Amber had died. They were concerned for her 3 children, twin girls of 7 and a little boy of 8. She died next to them and the little boy couldn’t wake her up.
My life turned into your worst nightmare on this day.
I rushed to her home and luckily the kids had been rescued by a relative. I live 3 hours away. Amber had a bad heart, but until this day I didn’t know that she was living a secret life. We never seemed to get along, she would constantly attack me and push me to my limits, something that started from the time that she was 14. I just thought that she was a difficult teenager. She was asked to leave home at 16 and like many parents on here, she told countless lies about me to get what she wanted. At 16 she was addicted to panadeine forte. An Indian doctor thought it okay to give her 10 boxes at a time. When I talked to mental health, they sent me away saying that Amber was 16 so they weren’t able to discuss her with me. I honestly thought that she overcame it. By 18 she was using Speed but supposedly gave up with she was pregnant. She had a little boy, followed by twins. The multiple birth caused a rare form of cardiomyopathy, but Amber would have been okay had she not of abused her body, Until November the 30th I had no idea that she was now addicted to Oxycont, meds for pancratitus. The pancreatitus was spasmodic, but a doctor whom didn’t seem to care administered oxycontin like lollies. I had no idea that she was taking a packet of mersyndol a day. I honestly don’t think that the codeine addiction had ever stopped. I had no ides thatt she was selling oxycontin or using it to control others to steal for her. I had no idea that her sister whom had suffered a head injury was also addicted. Amber had given it to her for head aches after a fractured skull. I had moved away and only received texts when they wanted money. A friend of theirs had died from suicide and I was asked to give them space. I sent them money thinking it was for the kids food. In the past 6 weeks I have found out that Amber was also sedating the kids with catapresss. My daughter whom was the most delightful child had become a monster. The kids were living in filth. No bills had been paid and my daughter with the head injury was too terrified to mention anything to her mum and by this time needed the oxycontin that Amber so keenly gave her sister.
I keep asking why didn’t I travel to see them. I honestly thought that they were okay together looking out for each other. I didn’t feel that I would be very welcome when they never answered my calls.
I am so traumatised and keep wondering if I could have saved her if I had known and could have at least tried to help her. I never got to say goodbye and don’t know how to feel right now. I am so disturbed by the way that she treated the kids. They stayed with me for a few weeks and are now living with their dad. It will take them years to recover. Amber couldn’t manage to take them to school. All the signs were there, but were hidden from me. Somehow the system also overlooked this. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I am so angry.
I now have to deal with the other daughter and get her off the drugs. I will do whatever it takes to get her over this.
This site has helped me, so many families have been through the same thing. I am blaming myself for not knowing what was going on. My son stayed there 3 months ago and didn’t notice a thing apart from the house being dirtier than usual and is beating himself up for not knowing either.
Talking to Amber on the phone recently you wouldn’t have know that there was anything wrong. She was very clever and kept me away to prevent me from finding out things that I would have not accepted. I can forgive her for her addiction. I can’t forgive her for supplying medication to others and helping with their addiction and I can’t forgive her for her careless regard for her childrens safety.
I am wondering what is so wrong with our world, that these kids can’t face living without artificial substances. I know that Amber had a great childhool with lots of love. I wouldn’t have changed the way in which she was brought up.
I know that my life will never be the same, but I will certainly try and make sure that my other daughter looses her addiction, even if it means a jail sentence. I will make sure that my grandkids have every possible chance to get over the things that they have seen and experienced. Things that kids just shouldn’t have seen.

Tammy
2:47 am January 14th, 2013

Hello
Our son is addicted to H as well as prescriptions medications. He is recently coming from rehab. His expectations of us are unrealistic. He wants trust overnight, something we cannot give. We want him to account for his actions and where he spends his money . He feels like he is in jail. He is 22 years old and has been using for a few years now. He moved back home a few months ago and we wrote a contract saying that if he used in our home he would have to leave. Of course that happened and he moved out. He decided a week or so later to go to rehab. He is now out of rehabs and back home, but feels like he is on lock down. I am not sure what he means exactly. I tried to to I to him about it last night on the way to a meeting. He just gets defensive and won’t talk. I have asked him what he thinks is realistic and he won’t say. Is there a list of common expectations from the addict as well as the ones living with the addict. Any experience, strength, or hope is welcome.

Rose
6:29 pm January 14th, 2013

Dear Tammy-
This is going to be a difficult time so the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and start attending Al-anon meetings as often as you can. Also read Sheff’s book “My Beautiful Boy” as well as his son’s Nic Sheff’s book “Tweak”. These will help you understand what you will be up against. Here’s the thing. With these drugs any short term rehab will do nothing. Once these kids are on these types of drugs they need at least 9 months to a 1year and even then the sucess rate is low but it is higher the longer the program. My heart goes out to you as I know just how hard this thing is to deal with. Ultimately you did not cause it, you can’t control it and you cant cure it. He will have to be the one to make the choices and right now he is already trying to manipulate you by stating he is in lock up. You must stay very strong. You cannot trust him. He needs to understand that he must earn everything (trust, respect, etc.) and that nothing will be giving to him easily. At this time he should not have access to money either if possible – if he is not in a out patient program then he needs to do meetings daily. Best of luck and know that this is between him and God and that you can pray for him but don;t try to protect him or enable him or get in the way of what he must learn. Don;t cover for him ever. Don;t get mad, stay calm always but insist on truth only. God Bless.

Rose
6:41 pm January 14th, 2013

Oh Allison I am so sorry for these tragic loss. In my mind I have buried my daughter time and time again but I can;t imagine what it might be like if she actually overdosed. I think my feelings would be mixed. Partly it would be so sad that someone destroyed thier life in this manner but partly I would be relieved that the suffering does not have to continue. And it is suffering for not only the addict but all those that love and surround them. The thing I would tell you is that it is not your fault at all. You need to know that and believe it. Addicts are usually highly intelligent people and they become masters at living a double life. Not even an expert would have known if she was that good at hiding it. And what if you did know. You could have done nothing. People cannot be controlled. They can be punished if they are put in jail but otherwise they can’t be controlled. It is a choice they make and it becomes an addiction and subsequently an illness. There are alot of broken families because of drug addiction. Addiction is out of control in our society both legally and illegally. Yet our goverment refuses to say or do anything about it. There seems to be no answers but I will say that the most important thing now is that you take care of yourself and that you try to have honest loving compassionate dialouge with your other daughter and hopefully she will do what she needs in order to beat down her addiciton. Long term programs are the best. Most cities have city sponsored ones that don’t require huge amounts of money. They won’t be lush but they will be effective. Also God works for alot of people if they believe in God. Just remember to not become co-dependent or enable. Try Al-anon meetings to provide you with better coping and communication skills. Loving any addict or alcholic is very hard and you can lose yourself completely if you are not aware of your own flaws. WE all have them but they can be magnified when we are dealing will addictions. May the Lord comfort you and may you find peace somewhere on this journey soon. Hang in there. Again not your fault at all. She made the choice. Most important is the well being of those children. Be well

bb
5:34 pm January 15th, 2013

I needed this reminder today. I’ve been on this road since Jr. High days and he is rapidly approaching 21. I keep banging my head against the wall with my ex husband. He doesn’t help much–says he will and then has excuses. I’ve been called an enabler for giving him a place to stay–but no one knows what they would do in my circumstances. I’m setting firmer boundaries, reassuring him of unconditional love and trying to take care of myself and my other child.

Thank you for your wise words. Makes me feel less alone.

pam
8:21 pm January 17th, 2013

Just wondering if anyone knows any pros or cons about Teen Challenge……I have a friend whose son might be going there….and she knows that her son has to do the work but she’d like more information…..Thanks and hoping everyone is feeling some peace…….
Tammy, you asked a great question about expectations about your child living at home because of all of the problems….Your son is 22 and mine 28……I also would wonder about that…

Susan
5:36 pm January 21st, 2013

Tammy – Maybe it’s just me, but I would question his motive for going to rehab. So he contracts with you to not use in order to live at home, violates and doesn’t like the consequences. He goes to rehab, but there is no attitude adjustment? If that’s correct, he’s far from recovery. It may be that the next time he uses, going to rehab or not, he needs to face the reality of what it’s like ot lose the warmth and comfort of his home and family. After my son burglarized our home, I told him that when he got out of jail, he was on his own. It’s amazing how resourceful addicts can be, that was 6 months ago and he has yet to become homeless. I hope that this doesn’t sound judgemental, that was not my intent. I just hate to see another parent manipulated into believing that their child, an addict, is taking steps toward recovery for reasons other than the fact that they really want to recover.

Barbara
9:21 pm January 22nd, 2013

Pam,
Teen Challenge is an excellant program. It not only helps to get
them through detox, but it addresses the reason they are on drugs to begin with. They also teach them how to handle every day life when they are released.

Rose
5:03 pm January 23rd, 2013

I would like to add that addicts are extremely resourceful and master manipulaters. My daughter is homeless again and somehow after attacking me for not helping her she has managed to find a couch here and there. I had lunch with her yesterday and she looked fine, better than me actually. When my daughter needed to fool me she talked nicely about the bible and god and recoverey and I fell for it but then she would never really go to meetings or do real work towards recover or go to church or anything, Its all BS if they don’t actually commit and do what they agree to and give it 150%. Be careful and be mindful of thier tricks. They have alot of them.

end of my rope
9:42 am January 24th, 2013

I am the youngest of 4 children and in my early 20’s. My eldest sister is addicted to Rx pills. I had my suspicions early on but stupidly decided to turn a blind eye. Her addiction became horribly obvious about 6 months ago when she moved back into my parents house with the rest of my siblings and I. Since then she has lost her boyfriend, most of her friends, her job, car, apartment, she steals money and “barrows” our cars, steals my mother’s Rx pills, my parents have bailed her out of jail, we’ve called the cops on her, as you can see the list is very long and I wont bother you with the rest. I had to move out of my parents house and drop out of school in order to physically be away from my sister-unfortunately i cannot afford to live independently and go to school. Her theft and physical violence have escalated to the point where I specifically am not safe. I have told my parents time and time again that they cannot help her unless she wants to be helped yet they still believe that letting her continue her behavior will somehow help her . My parents can’t afford treatment–not that she would go– but they refuse to kick her out. They seem to think that if they ignore her behavior it might somehow stop. She keeps using my family, draining us physically, emotionally, and financially, if anyone has any advice as to how I can make my parents understand that their actions are in the end only hurting her please share!!! I am at the end of my rope and only want to help my parents see the error of their ways

mari
6:46 am January 25th, 2013

Dear “end of my rope”, just as you can’t control the addict’s behaviors, you can’t control what your parents are doing at this stage. They may just have a “longer rope” than you. The best thing, is for you to take care of yourself. Addiction becomes a family issue/disease in that it effects everyone, but we all have different levels of tolerance. It is actually healthy that you are fed up, sooner rather than later. My 23 year old daughter is an meth addict, and it is heartbreaking. I have and still do some of the things your parents are doing, but i did reach a point, where it was either her or I. Your parents will get there, but it has to be their journey. Nara-non is a good program, check to see if there are meetings in your area, and see if your parents will go also. Ala-non is also an option, its a matter of finding the right group. Take care of yourself,

Susan
11:11 pm January 25th, 2013

Dear End of Your Rope ~

Is it possible that your parents are fully aware of the extent of your sister’s problem, but aren’t willing to kick her out in case she died? My in-laws supported my brother-in-law 100% for 10 years while he drank himself into dementia. They kept saying that they would never forgive themselves if “something happened,” but could never see the forest through the trees. They believed he drank because he was depressed about the failure of his third marriage and without their help he would probably commit suicide, what they refused to acknowledge was the contibution they were making to a much slower death. I could never understand it, until I saw myself through their eyes while I inadvertantly supported my sons Heroin addition for 3 years. When I finally really opened my eyes, I was shocked, absolutely and completely.

Your folks know that you are a survivor and they aren’t worried about you in the same way. You are much stronger than your sister and you will survive this. You say you are in your 20’s and in school so turn to student counselors, check into grants, go to local social/human services organizations, but don’t go back unless you are really desperate. You are in the best position to know what your gut is terlling you about your personal safety.

Good luck and God Bless.

Donna Wheeler
9:09 pm January 28th, 2013

Honestly, if you can get your child to go to Teen Challenge and they sincerely want to quit it is their only hope. All else that I have seen fails. My son refuses to go. God bless all of you!!!!!.
God Help Us All!!

mari
5:05 am January 29th, 2013

I feel so humbled to re-read the posts of all of the supportive parents and loved ones on this site. All of the stories are heartbreaking and familiar at the same time. For me the 12 step programs are not a be all, end all fix. But I do identify with the ideology, of the 3 C’s = “YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT, AND YOU CAN’T CURE IT.” This resonates with me, deep in my soul, I know as parents we think we did something wrong to cause this…. Look back in your loved ones family, on both sides, there is addiction, I am sure of it it. This is a genetic disease/problem, they are wired from the beginning. It is so sad and I hope they get it together! But we can only, hold our breath so long. It is time to take care of ourselves, and be the best and happiest that we can be, and only hope for the best for them.

Linda S
3:20 pm January 29th, 2013

as a mother of a 29 yr old meth addict..she has been using since she was 16. My daughter has a long long way to recovery, but she is working hard at the at recovery.
The BEST thing that ever sunk into my brain and helps me so much…is the 3 C;’s Mari wrote. I did not cause it, I cannot Control it and I cannot cure it!!!

For me a mother, I am happy to sleep thru the nights and know that it is out of my hands

It hurts to breath
5:30 pm January 29th, 2013

My heart goes out to each and everyone of you whom have opened up and posted here. We don’t realize how strong we are until being strong is all we have left…..My son is an addict, he is 23 yrs old. I’ve been down every road imaginable with him just about. He’s been in jail several times, dwi, possession, felony, shoplifting, etc. I have forced him into rehab I believe about five times (can’t remember), very expensive. I have refinanced my home that was two years from being paid off, twice to pay for rehab, attorney’s fees, court cost and restitution for him damaging property. He has been left at the end of my driveway (couldn’t stand/walk) by a stranger that found him downtown beaten up and loaded on drugs. His best friend (2 years ago) didn’t wake up one morning due to mixing drugs, my son was called to the hospital and had to notify his parents. He has stolen from everyone in the family, lied, you name it he’s probably done it. I’ve tried tough love, christian rehab, state rehab, put him out of my house, cut off the money, everything……nothing is working. He can’t keep a job (currently unemployed). My heart is distroyed. I can’t sleep. I can’t find any peace in my heart or happiness. I feel that what happens to him happens to me. If that makes any sense. I’m terrified beyond discription that if he goes to jail for a long period of time, inmates will hurt him. I was told by high priced attorneys and court appointed persons of stories of what happens when a young, skinny, helpless male gets jail time. I’ve had many phone calls in the middle of the night regarding my son (not good), to the point I turn my phone off when I go to bed now. I’m terrified I’ll get the one phone call that someone tells me my son is dead. I’m terrified. I know that I can’t “fix” him but how do I get through my days with all this worry? I’m financially ruined at this time. I will soon be 50 yrs old and every waking moment of my life is wrenching from my son’s addiction. I will never give up on him and would give my life for him but I don’t know how to deal with this. I cry alot when nobody is aound. I can’t realy talk to friends, co-workers, family etc. I appreciate everyones openess, it helps knowing I’m not alone. God Bless You All

Susan
11:13 pm February 1st, 2013

Dear Hurting,

You say you would give your life for him, but the irony is that you already have. He’s ruined his life and now he is ruining yours. You son sounds so like mine, however, mine is now 29 and I have had to distance myself from him. I fully expect him to die from his choices and in fact have protected my heart and life in looking at it this way: he is not the son I raised, he is an addict and criminal, someone I hardly know anymore, the son I raised is dead, now his corpse walks among us and is almost unrecognizable to me. I grieved a long time over this loss and will grieve again when he finally passes, but you know what? I will survive because I let myself experience it, I quit worrying about him every minute of every day and I let go because I couldn’t change it. I went on antidepressants and began taking time to take care of myself and it’s working.

Taking care of yourself is NOT giving up on him. He’s on a self destruct course and you cannot change that, only he can.

And finally, don’t even get me started on the legal system. First of all those people who said those things to you were wayyyyyyyy out of line. I know many people who’s young adults have done jail time and not a one of them has been violated. If you are a hard core criminal and actually see prison time, I suppose you might, but having said that, my son committed innumerable crimes: burglary, theft, possession of $125,000 in stolen property and he just got 5 years probation, so if you live your life worrying about that and enabling him to avoid prison, you are slowing spiraling out of control along side of him.

Please get support where ever you can, there are clinics where you pay if you can, quit paying for him to get better, pay for yourself!

mari
4:02 am February 4th, 2013

Dear I Hurts to Breathe-
Please go back to the beginning of this blog on 11/30/10, Ten truths for the parent of an addict child, it is helpful. I know how you feel, about never giving up, but maybe you need to look at it as never losing hope. We can’t make anyone do something that they don’t want to, so you can try and try with your son, but it has to be him, that gets so sick of what his life has become, that he needs to change it. It is impossible to not worry, but you have control over how you let that worry effect you. Please try to take better care of yourself, as moms, we are so focused on care-taking of others, but at some point, our kids need to be responsible for themselves. Do some reading, try and ala-non or nara-non meeting, therapy or just a long nap. You are worth it.

pam
6:19 pm February 4th, 2013

well said mari!!!….On the way to a hearing for my son’s dui with me driving….he tried to ream me out for all of his problems being my fault…my nagging, my threatening to send him to juvenile in the past (btw I never said that) and on and on and on…..I know better to react to his verbage with other words because it would never end but his words pierce me like a dagger….My husband and I tried to do our best as parents always being there for him but how do I rid myself of the guilt that I feel?????????

Tired John
6:53 pm February 4th, 2013

I am a father of an addict. I am experiencing all 10 of your experiences and totally agree with you. At this moment my son (22) was evicted from his apartment. I WILL NOT give him access to my home. He was approved in SS system and I am his payee to allot rent food and telephones. Every visit I pay his rent buy him smokes and put 40$ of his money in his pocket. My heart breaks more everry time I see him. But when I do visit, It brings me closer to God for how fortunate I am. I know I am just enabling him and puting off the enevitable but I know I can’t redirect him. After expressing this somehow I feel better already for at least today. THX

Jim
7:50 pm February 4th, 2013

Thanks Tired John, I am right there with you. Hope, charity and love is all we can give, the rest is up to them. My son finally got it after I quit enabling. I was very lucky to have his mothers full support. One day at a time for me.

pam
11:02 am February 9th, 2013

just wondering if anyone can give me any suggestions about drug testing my son on a random basis…..what kind of tests are there available and how to administer them….thanks very much…..

Pam
7:24 pm February 9th, 2013

Dear parent of a drug addict:
I too have a son who has been an addict for over ten years. he is only twenty seven. His story is errily similar to the one above. My heart goes out to your family and of course to your son. Our lives can be consumed with the addiction of our dear children if we allow them to be. The terrible truth is that they stop when THEY want to, and not before.
Godspeed to us all. May we have the wisdom and self control to let them fall and the love to love them no matter what…

Elizabetih
1:14 am February 10th, 2013

I am right there with all of you.. so glad to be able to “talk” with others feeliing the same thing i’m feeling right now. My 30 year old daughter had everything going for her… and she threw it all away on drugs. First meth and then Oxy… she has done it for so long she has blown all of her veins on her arms and hands… She is now a month clean (again) and I do have hope for her but I am just so ANGRY at her and for all the strife and worry she has caused this family.
I have said some really terrible things to her out of anger here lately… the lying, the stealing. Not only did she steal money from us but she actually pawned my wedding rings!!! I told her I would never forgive her… and said some other things I probably shouldn’t have. It’s just I am so tired… so I understand what you are saying. It is sheer exhaustion and hurt. My heart is actually broken after so many years of dealing with this.
Pam, I know that they do have the drug testing kits at CVS and have thought about looking into that myself.

ladybug
1:21 pm February 10th, 2013

I need help. I have a 40 yeard olf son living with me, hasn’t worked in 5 years, has become increasing anti-social, either sleeps for days or up all hours of the night (or worse leaving at 2-3 a.m.). Two weeks ago found out that he had stolen my credit card and charged $3000 in one month. Kicked him out, found empty pill bottles and lighters hidden in his room. He has had serious health and emotional problems all his life. Now he has crashed at my 80-year old mother’s house and is making her miserable. HELP.

David
1:00 am February 11th, 2013

He died from OD 3 years ago,mage 20. I miss him so much. I believe he thinks I hated him when I love him always. I feel I wasn’t as good a parent that I thought I was and that i took too many sure and short cuts that gave him too much leeway to fool us for years and years. I replay years of conversatiobs and shallow cries for help through his seeming happy laughter, being a good student. always respectful, always kind, great sportman, a great brother and son and friend, loyal always and yet he was probably suffering and sad for most of his teen years without us knowing.We attibute the occassional odd situation to teenage bevaior. Boy, did we mess up. He tried I know to overcone. we helped. Not enough. We followed advice that I believe ultimately hurt. I miss him. I lovehim. And I can’t tell him knowing that he hears me. I have many lesson to share. Most of all ge compassionte. Listen to his/her needs first. Lsten to hat us being said and nit said, not just the words orcsentences, but the behavior. Don’t dismiss what you don’t understand. Act when signs appear. Don’t delay.

Rose
12:40 am February 12th, 2013

I dont know what breaks my heart more. That our children have been taken from us through addiction or that so many beautiful loving caring parents are living in hell.
After 23 years nothing has changed, not really. Even with me no longer enabling. I feel trapped with no where to run. It is hard to accept this existence when we both had so much potential to share our gifts with the world. She a talented musician and writer and me a creative soul with passion and boundless energy. Instead she walks around talking to herself looking distant and beaten down blaming the world for her bad choices and I just fade into life with no goals or plans or anything. My life is disorderly in all manner – I am just existing day by day wondering when it will stop so I can finally get some rest. Her addiction caused god given gifts to stay hidden among all the dystfunction, lies, deciet, bad behavior, manuipulationa, confusion and so on. If you love an addict your are screwed unless you can somehow keep it seperate from your life. But most of us cannot – no matter what it seems to find a way to attach itself to our everyday life and then we are doomed. So lets just get real. Very few make it – most do not. If we value ourselves we need to remove ourself from the destruction otherwise we will go down with the sinking ship and trust me it is sinking. I know it feels cruel and selfish of us to consider such a thing but why are we throwing away our own life to save the life of someone who does not care. Its just stupid and we lie to ourselves everyday damm minute. We can’t save them. But they can save themselves. Ultimately we have zero control, zero power and well we can only change ourselves. I don’t have answers. I just know that we are all exhausted, broke, hopeless, angry and our dreams have expoded into the abyss! Good luck and God have mercy on us all.

mari
5:40 am February 17th, 2013

I am strong and I am not. Out of site, out of mind. My addicted daughter just turned 24 and this now has been 10 years of hell, with emotional problems and addiction. It is SO HARD, as a mom, and so counterintuitive to turn our backs on our kids. “Pleeese mom, can I just stay on your couch for one night? I don’t have anywhere to stay, I don’t have money, I am hungry.” Sound familiar?, sound like a manipulation, a guilt trip? probably all of the above, but it is so SAD that it comes to this. Who would have thought, when you first held that little baby, that it would be like this?! Tears roll down my face as I write this. I know what the right thing to do is, not let her stay here, but it hurts to think of the alternatives. But I have to remind myself that she chose to leave rehab, for the 5th, 6th time? She can sure find places to stay when she leaves! I am so tired of hearing ” I am trying so hard, you don’t know” , REALLY ? I think, stop TRYING and just do it!

Tired John
4:15 pm February 18th, 2013

Update. After a week in jail spent day trying to get a new place to live to put him up. Found cheap motel, paid up a week and of course he “checked out” a few days later and called me to come and get him and help him find a new place. Shut off my phone and now he’s angry at me. Which is GREAT! Am at peace & really haven’t thought much about him in 12 hours. Phoenix is warm and I don’t care what dumpster he’s sleeping behind. Maybe he will find bottom there and will call in a couple months and tell me about God, a new job, a car and renewed relationship w/ his son. Probably NOT. But a Dad can only pray and dream.

pam
6:04 pm February 18th, 2013

All such familiar thoughts…..We cannot “fix” the addicted….The only thing we can do is be there if and ONLY if they choose to fix themselves…..We cannot lose our own lives in the process because that helps no one or no thing…..Peace for today……

Linda B
8:17 am February 19th, 2013

Dear, dear parents,
I have not posted here for quite awhile. More disappointments here and I’m getting tired of listening to myself. I suppose I’ve decided to just go on with my life without my 2nd and 3rd boys. I have to. I have the most amazing husband, eldest son, daughter in law and beautiful grandson. Our financial situation is good. We travel, I do a lot of volunteer work, I live on a beautiful ranch. I am blessed without a doubt. I spend my days forcing my mind to only think of all the wonderful blessings in life I have. But yet, there is a huge hole in my heart. Damn it! My sons were all planned and I gave my life to them all. They ALWAYS came first. Their childhoods were what every little boy dreams of. Now this is what we get for all of our love and efforts. Right now tonight, my attitude is, I will be happy and content with the blessings I do have. They are on their own. I guess I’m in an angry phase. Ya know what? It’s what’s working right now. I am bound and determined to close those holes in my heart. Yes, I’ve lost 2/3 of my children, That 1/3 that I’m left with is of great quality and I am so proud of him. My grandson needs a grandmother who is loving, nurturing and very involved. Laying around feeling sorry for myself has gotten me nowhere. I don’t want my grandson to remember me as being self absorbed immersed in constant pity parties. My oldest son & daughter in law deserve a mother. Most of all my precious husband deserves a functional wife. I WILL rise above it all. Sons #2 & #3 you are all on your own. May God bless them.
Hopefully I can keep up this attitude even when the chaos rears it’s ugly head once again because it always does.
May you all find peace & happiness within yourselves.

pam
6:18 pm February 19th, 2013

Thanks, Linda B., for your thoughts…..I think you are doing the right thing for the blessings in your family…..there is only so much we can do…..There was once a time when I thought “if only this,” if only that,”and that if only this happened, it could be fixed but I now finally know that it cannot be fixed without him moving forward on his own…..So many of us have given so much…………

Rose
7:11 pm February 19th, 2013

Heavenly Father – First and foremost we praise you with all our hearts. With that said we fight everyday to trust you and to accept “life”. Those of us on this post have broken hearts and we remain confused and feel abandoned as we fight so hard to try and understand the cruelty and destruction of drug abuse. Lord I ask that you would comfort each parent here – I feel like they are my brothers and sisters and I feel thier pain like it was my own. What about you Lord, you love us and you must feel our heartache. With an expectant heart I ask that you allow us all to find our faith and peace even with the toll that drug abuse has taken. I pray that you would shower us all with your supernatural power to heal and that you would recover and restore our children today in the name of Jesus. We all are learning about ourselves through this process – I am sure we have all made some bad decisions in our primitive attempts to help and save our kids. Regardless of whether we enabled or not we have all done the best we could with the knowledge and tools at our disaposal. Please dont leave us so confused and so heartbroken. You gifted us with these beautiful children then evil took them away even as we held on as tight as we could and tried our best to protect them. Please lord in the name of Jesus won’t your lighten our load and heal the sickness of addiction throughout our families and through this nation. Drugs are everywhere. It is heartbreaking so see so many talented and beautiful beings fall into this very deceitful trap. Show us the way out, all of us. Tell us how we can help each other so that our hearts are not so very burdened to the point of illness to us as well. Help us to stay of sound mind and body and of good health so that we may lift each other up as we experience this most painful journey. I ask for all in the name of Jesus that would you shower a group healing to all our children and to our nation and that you in your power destroy all the drug cartels and any other person that has had a hand in allowing these poisons to become so readily available to so many innocent children. Thank you heavenly father, thank you Jesus and thank you Holy Spirit – Amen

Pamela
4:28 am February 20th, 2013

I can’t find anywhere to put my 27 yr old daughter she is a meth user she has no ins and we are at a loss of what to do , we buried our 17 yr old son 5 yrs ago his was shot to death wrong place wrong time now we are so scared we may loo anther child can any one help us
Thank You Pamela

Marisa
4:33 pm February 21st, 2013

Rose, Thank you for the beautiful prayer! AMEN!!! As a christian I know He is our only hope.

Rose
5:24 pm February 21st, 2013

Hi Pam-not sure what area you are in but see what city sponsored rehabs might be available if she is willing. Or try a behavioral hospital – however that will cost money more than likely. There is always help if she wants it. But if you are trying to protect her from herself that might now work out – it has to be her. I lost a brother the same way as you lost our son. It scares us to lose anyone else. But in the America will live in today we can only do so much. Years ago you could put someone in a facility without thier permission if you thought they were a danger to themselves. Not anymore. You can also try county mental health – they can hold folks for 48 hours observation. That might help get her diagnosed or lead to another resource.
Good luck and God bless.

pam
5:49 pm February 21st, 2013

Rose…that is a very beautiful prayer…..Thank you…

Linda B
6:09 pm February 22nd, 2013

Rose, thank you for that. Amen.
Got a call from my #2 son’s girlfriend’s mother yesterday. Apparently, they are homeless and living in some shack somewhere. My son is dirty and gross, and looks like your typical homeless person. Both of these kids came from good families that gave our kids all the opportunities life has to offer. Both bright and beautiful kids. How in the heck did things get this bad? They would rather be homeless than take the help all of us parents are willing to offer to clean up their lives. Such a waste. I do not blame myself anymore, I’m long over that. But, I can and will blame. I blame society and my sons themselves. Society because the drugs are so readily available and my sons because they were stupid enough to get themselves involved in it. Now that they’ve gotten themselves in so deep they can’t seem to get themselves out of the lifestyle no matter what we as parents do. We’ve all thought about the day when we get that call or knock at the door that our babies are dead. It haunts us each and everyday. Whether or not we keep our kids at a safe distance or not, we will always have that in the back of our minds. This is no way to live. I’ve tried to completely 100% detach from them, fall out of love to protect myself from this nightmare. Ain’t happening. So for now, I go about my daily life forcing myself not to think about it and focusing on the many blessing I have. That’s all any of us can do.
Pamela, there are many free rehabs out there. I was unable to find free detox though. She has to be willing to go to these places.

Just another mother
2:48 am February 24th, 2013

I struggle with just how much to worry about my 3 sons who are meth addicts, along with other drugs. It’s been such a worry for so long that I feel myself getting a little calous to it. That sounds like I don’t care but I’m just tired of worrying and hurting for them.

Our sons have been involved for more than 10 years, have all lost beautiful wives and two of them have darling children that are deprived of having good fathers and we as grandparents, don’t get to see our little grandchildren often anymore. They can’t keep jobs because they steal from their employers or just don’t bother to go to work. They take advantage of people who they can live with for short periods of time. They have stolen from us and everyone else they know. One of them goes to jail Tuesday and I hope he will be there long enough to make a lasting impact on him. We will hear the sentence on Tuesday. He has been through rehab once and was in drug court for 18 months as well, and started using again.

Another one , his twin brother, OD’d three weeks ago and was saved in the emergency room. The third one is so paranoid and schizophrenic that he’s pretty well checked out of the real world. And it’s my understanding that even if he gets off the drugs he may never get better.

I guess my biggest frustration is that there really is nothing I can do. Even if I had the money to send them to a fantastic rehab center chances are they would start using again when they got out. It’s even more difficult because they are brothers and have a love hate relationship. They love each other when they are doing drugs together and hate each other for doing drugs.

And to top it all off, their oldest brother, our oldest son, is a cop. Imagine our family get-to-gethers. Tonight I’m feeling pretty negative.

We also have 3 daughters who are just wonderful. Our youngest daughter lost her 27 year old husband to cancer last August and it caused her a lot of pain to see her brothers killing themselves with drugs when her husband was fighting for his life.

I really appreciate being able to read your posts -it helps to know I’m not the only one dealing with this. And it helps to be able to vent. We don’t talk about it much at home unless their is an emergency or tragedy because it’s so awful.

My heart goes out to all of you and I want you to know that I get on my knees every night and pray for my children and for all who are battling this horrific modern day plague, the addicts and their families. I’m also very grateful for those who try so hard to help addicts beat the disease. They are an amazing breed of people.
May our Heavenly Father bless us all.

Susan
7:23 am February 24th, 2013

Pamela… Look hard and dig – Dig to find help, and then fight like heck to get your daughter the help that she needs – It is out there, even without insurance… Be persistant… Call local and state agencies, ask questions – Beg for help. BEG. Has your daughter been in the hospital for drug related issues? Does she have any legal issues? My 26 year old son is a heroin addict – He is alive today because of the help that I have found by being persistant – and – desperate. My son has a long way to go in his recovery, but he is alive and on the right path, thanks to my finding professionals that cared enough to listen to me and to help. There is hope. Find help.

Mary Jones
9:54 pm February 24th, 2013

I am the mother of an addict. We have just uncovered dark truths regarding what length she will go to so she has her drugs. She has lied to everyone including a young man who was deeply in love with her. She is selling herself and traveling into areas at nite that I wouldnt go to in the daylight. We are numb from all the new news. We had multiple incidents before….trips to the hospital with multiple overdoses. I am now at the point where loving her is not enough. I almost cant be around her. She is at and NA meeting right now with her dad and tomorrow she starts an intense oupt program. But I worry and wonder if anything will be enough. I am devastated and guilt ridden. I am sad…beyond sad

Elizabeth
4:30 pm February 25th, 2013

Mary Jones, please do not feel guilty… remember the three C’s… you did NOT cause this. I truly understand what you mean about the dark truths… it was the same for me. It’s as though these things could not be possibly something your child is doing… as though they are total strangers. You are taking positive steps now for her and I am hopeful that she will get well… ultimately it is up to her and I pray she will take this opportunity you are affording her.
Your sadness is something I am also going through now. Many dark truths are coming out here as well in my own situation with my daughter. Please hold onto your hope!

Rose
5:21 pm February 25th, 2013

It is a real shock when things start to unveil themselves. Is some respects a strange calm envelops you, like the calm before the storm. Each parent has to dig deep within themselves to determine to what degree of war you can engage in. And it is a war. One that you fight for often alone and without weapons. I found strength in these posts and in God and in Al-Alnon but my daughter after 22 years is still an addict and now mentally ill. I am fairly certain I will never see the real daughter but a small part of me reserves hope and faith that perhaps God in his supernatural abilities will rescue her. I no longer cannot although I sure gave it 500%.Sadly it was not enough and if anything so much of me died trying to help her. For some families they make it out and thier children turn thier lives around 100%. I am not sure why some make it and some don’t. Money does not help – actually it can hurt as you then spend on keeping them safe which actually just enables them. But its hard – the line between doing all you can and doing the wrong things. I have made many many mistakes in the name of fighting for my daughters life. Today it was all for nothing – she is gone in soul and spirit and more like the walking dead. But maybe one day…..its tragic. But I am thinking that perhaps collectively we can do more than just share our stories. There are so many of us just on this post. What about the slew of millions that dont even know about this blog/post. Perhaps its time we all band together and start a real serious public conversation about this epidemic affecting our families, communities, cities and country. We have a President who should be addressing this problem and giving priority to the drug problem in this country. One would think it is important as having a country full of addicts can’t be a good thing. At least we could try to force our goverment to help all of us and or help the addicts directly by having better programs that really address the problems. Also why is the drug trade left alone to infect our country like this. Terror comes in many ways and I don’t know about you but I feel like I have been liviing in sheer terror for 22 years. I have not felt safe for myself or my family. Drug use opens the door to all kinds of problems including putting at risk innocent families and friends. Why do we not have severe punishment for anyone that sells drugs. These people are evil yet it seems then are not afraid to do what they do. Fear is what is needed unfortunately. The human spirit left to its own devices can be very destructive. I believe in freedom for all but certainly we need to put this problem to rest. Its been this bad since the Vietnam war when herion and other drugs were easily brought into this country. Also having such a bad enconmy is making some folks do some horrible things for money. It seems even people who appear to be normal and decent are so desperate that they are selling drugs. And shows on HBO and SHOWTIME who promote dealing in drugs likes its an acceptable option are not doing anyone any favors. Our entire culture is sick and I don’t think we should continue to sit around and accept it. Perhaps part of the fight for our children needs to start on a different level. I’m just saying…..

leslie
11:31 pm February 25th, 2013

My daughter is a heroin addict. It is frustrating and debilitating knowing there is nothing we can do to make her stop usimg until she is truly ready to be honest with herself. She ince was clean for almost a year, buy the boyfriend that claimed to love her, who also taught het how to do this drug, brought it back into her life again. Now she is 18 and i feel helpless. She wont go to in patient rehab and she still hangs out with trouble makers. How long has your son been clean for? I hear heroin is the hardest drug to stop using. What kind of rehab is he doing? I pray each night that the next morning i will have my daughter back.

pam
6:46 pm February 27th, 2013

Well here’s what just happened…..The probation officer came to install the device for 1 year of house (our home) arrest. First gave a drug test and she found suboxone and cocaine ( I thought it was just maybe alcohol at this point)…..he denied the cocaine and said his “friend” gave him the other….was inpatient rehab this summer for 3 weeks and now I realize it was probably just to avoid jail for the dui’s…I just don’t know if I can go on with this anymore….Seems he has been extra hostile to both my husband and me lately….The officer said he could go to jail instead of being in our home and he said that he can’t stand us and would rather be “on the street”…I don’t think he meant that but his life is bringing both of us very down…I feel that my life is over…Right now I fear leaving our home because I don’t know what might transpire…Would 1 of those “friends” come in to bring Lord knows what???….By the way, Rose, I did submit an email to the White House about the drug epidemic and how it is not only affecting families but all of society….Maybe everyone should so this…..whitehouse.gov

Linda B
10:45 pm February 27th, 2013

When my son is not using his family means everything to him. He calls constantly and wants to see us all the time. He’s pleasant and open and honest. When he’s using he rarely calls and when he does he reads things into the conversation that were never said nor implied. He’s in a sense, paranoid.
I have slowly seen the phone calls get less and less and our conversations became more and more strained. My first clue. Several days before his birthday in Feb. he called wanted to come and spend a couple days with us for his birthday. The day before his birthday he said, “never mind”. He said his back was hurting and didn’t feel like going anywhere. My 2nd clue. Yesterday I got a phone call from Walmart pharmacy saying his prescriptions were ready. He’s doctor hopping again for drugs. My 3rd clue. He still doesn’t realize how transparent he is.
Our son was clean for about 6 months. He was at a Christian program and doing fantastic. Then, an old friend (not one of the good ones) since kindergarten told him he could come live with him and he had a job for him working on a ranch taking care of horses and cattle. Right up his alley. He was raised on a ranch with horses and cattle. We tried and tried to convince him that it was not a good idea and he should stay in his program, we did not feel he was ready. Not only that, we knew this particular friend was not any good for my son at all. He’s never listened to us before, but still, we felt as though we needed to go through the motions anyway. We knew it would all fall apart. Obviously, it has.
Sometimes I feel like that 6 months of sobriety hurt us more than it helped us. Being able to have a normal relationship with our boy again was like heaven. He’s just such a wonderful person, so loving and caring. Just another reminder on how it could be, how it ought to be. Now here we are, right back in hell.
He’s 23 years old, a grown man. But still, his maturity level which has been stunted by all the drug use is somewhere around 15. He’s made his choice. He set himself up for failure. We were and are powerless to change that. The hope he had given us is just a teaser to torture us. That is our life. The life of loving an addict.

Pamela
6:27 pm February 28th, 2013

Thank you Susan , and to all the loving parents on this page . I will never give up on any of my children as you will never give up on yours. Yes they drain us of all the love,hope, faith, money, and energy we have and yet somehow we as parents find a way to refill ourself s for the next go around . I have read the top of this page for over a week it has helped me. Reading your post have also helped . I am not alone. I also met with long time recovering addicts hoping that they could help me help my Daughter and what I walked away with was something unexpected. Stop trying to save and rescue someone who does not want to be saved or rescued .Our children made a choice to do these drugs no one held a gun to their head and said take this or I will kill you. And they are not going to stop until they and only they make the choice to stop and get help . From their exsperance they said yea as long as their family gave they would take and take . Now looking back they feel like thy could never give back what they took from their family and I am not talking about possessions and at the time they ( our children ) don’t care they don’t care about us , they don’t care about themselves !! It’s all about the drug and only the drug. Now don’t get me wrong they did not say stop loving your child which for most of us are young adults . And I am not talking about addicts that have only been clean for a few months not even a few yrs I mean many many yrs and it was painful to hear and it was flat out exhausting. Only when we stop enabling them and it may take awhile , it might take going to jail even going to prison living in an alley behind a dumpster and yes as I do not want to type this some of our children will die. Now most of you might not know I have buried a child 17 yrs old my baby boy . The one who was doing everything right , was planning on joining the military , ROTC in collage , he was almost there and One night visiting his girlfriend in not a not so good neighborhood one that we beg him to stay away from went to a convenience store to get them a couple of sodas for the drive out to our house and was walking to his car and some gang member needed to make his bones picked my son to be his mark. So when I say some of us might end up with a death of a child I do not say it without soo much pain in my heart , I wish I did not know what that exsperance feels like but I do and I was not very compassionate to the recovering addicts that said death . Because they seen their friends die from overdoses and family members who just could not go on. They had no ideal what it was like for me as a parent . But then I realized I did not know what it was like being an addict . Only a parent of an addict and then something else happen. I now seen I was an addict I was addicted to getting my baby girl HELP at any cost , my health , here daughter take , my money here’s all I got for now , a roof over your head even if its just a night or two because at least I will be able to sleep tonight knowing you are safe within feet of me I will protect you and I will find help for you and I will fix you if it’s the last thing I do

Pamela
6:41 pm February 28th, 2013

Well I am sorry I was not finished and press the wrong thing. I now know that what I took away from the meetings was not what I went to them for . I went hoping they could help me help my daughter and what I found was something I did not expect . I have to surrender to the fact that I can not fix my child. I can give her helpful numbers to where SHE can get help when and if she is ever ready and I can love the person she once was , but sadly is no longer . I will no longer give her a place to stay and I will no longer give her money. I will give her all the prayers I can give and will not give myself to that drug . See I have other children and grandchildren who needs a healthy loving person to turn to when they need me . So I went looking for one thing and these people gave me so much more from the other side of the fence

pam
5:18 pm March 1st, 2013

Pamela….what type of meeting are you going to…I need to go also….Thanks

sue
7:52 pm March 4th, 2013

I worry that I am just setting out on this journey – with a son who is dabbling and losing it more often than not. Your words are helpful – I wanted you to know. This whole thing is very bewildering – I wish there was a way to stop drugs: they appear to be more and more accessible. Anyway, thank you for giving me a sense of not being alone……because I actually feel very sad.

Sherry
2:17 am March 5th, 2013

Every pharmacy has at home drug tests and they are accurate. One word of caution – put food coloring in the toilet so they can’t dilute the urine sample, make sure the water is turned off so they can’t get water from the sink or tub. Be sure you check the temp of the sample to be sure they haven’t used a substance other than their own urine. don’t give them any warning that the test is coming and if they say they can’t “go” right now don’t let them out of your sight until they can. I had to do this many times when my two sons were using. One has been sober for 10 months and the other for 8 months.It is my constant prayer that they stay that way.

Rita
7:44 am March 9th, 2013

I am afraid of my kid. I feel like I am out here alone. Help, please.

gayle
6:02 pm March 10th, 2013

I am the mother of a 20 yr old daughter who is addicted to heroin. She has been in 4 inpatient programs, jail multiple times for one posession arrest in which the court gave her so many chances to get help, even allowing her to be in inpatient rehab and a recovery home all of which were to no avail. She continued to use and thankfully was arrested because of a warrant due to her not complying with the courts and sent to prison for 5 months. I was so thankful that she was found and arrested. Better than the alternative which is losing her forever. When she was released from prison, I allowed her to come home. It lasted one day. She left the house after meeting with her parole officer and realizing that her parole restrictions were easily manipulated. I didn’t see her for 4 days. I found myself a wreck once again worrying if I would ever see her alive. I did contact her parole officer to let him know that I feared she had been using. She has found someone to stay with. She won’t tell me who or where she is living. She does keep in contact with me through texts so at least I know she is still alive. She came over yesterday for a brief visit and I can certainly tell that she is using. I want to call her parole officer again, but she’ll just blame me if she lands back in jail for meddling in her life. When do I stop meddling? I feel like I would be giving up. If there is a way I can keep a wall between her and heroin I would do anything. I never want to give up! I love her so much and I want to help her. I have enabled her in the past, and I don’t want to make the same mistakes. Not doing anything feels like giving up.

Rose
4:26 pm March 11th, 2013

Hi Gayle-
Please find an Al-Anon meeting and try to go at least a few times a week if not more. They have helped me alot. They won’t fix your daughter but they will help you have your own life. I was at the point that I wanted to die after dealing with my daughter for 22 years. Its been hell. I was beat down, broken, depressed and could not accept that my daughter was choosing herion over everything. Now I realize that I can’t save her. I can only love her, pray for her and accept her as she is. I limit my time with her. I don’t give her money. I do however pay for her room rental. For me I must know she has a safe place and roof over her head. Many say I should not do but she is also mentally ill now and I can’t leave her on the streets. I have done it before and it hurt her more. Not every person hits bottom and goes up. I have left my daughter in the streets and she has many times hit bottom and she does not get better. So for me its better that she is in a safe home – each parent needs to figure out what they can and can’t do and what they should and should not do. Its not that black and white although the experts will say it is. However it is important to have rules, strong boundaries and an ability to still have your own life and not let thier’s infect your happiness. This takes practice, support and committment. I have prayed for all families that deal with this day in and day out. It is not right but it is the world we havve allowed to be created. Not enough people are demanding that this problem be dealt with – so it is growing by meets and bounds each day and the real terror is that we are losing our children to drugs thanks to the powerful drug cartels and to our goverment who squanders our tax dollars on testing frogs to see how high they hop instead of fighting the influx of drugs being allowed into our country.
God Bless.

Linda B
6:15 pm March 11th, 2013

Gayle,
There is nothing you can do to help her. She has to do that for herself. One day hopefully she will. Focus your energies on yourself. You need your life back. Attend Al-anon and/or Nar-anon meetings. Believe me, each and every one of us have been in your shoes. Focusing all of your time and energy trying to “fix” your daughter or manipulate her situation is useless. It just brings you to hell. Our children’s choices belong to them and we cannot change that. But, we can change our own outlooks. God be with you.

gayle
8:38 pm March 11th, 2013

Rita, I don’t know your situation, but if you feel your child is a danger to you or him/herself then maybe you should contact the police. I have learned to realize that if your child is using they are not themselves and that being locked up in jail may be the best thing for them. It is not an easy thing to contact the police regarding your own child but (as someone wisely said to me) you have to be the “brick wall”, or the face of truth to them.

gayle
9:13 pm March 11th, 2013

I should call her parole officer, I think?!! I am just afraid that my constant meddling is only giving her reason to deflect blame on me and that if I step back and let her see that she is doing this all on her own then maybe she’ll “get it” this time. Here I go again, trying to figure out how it all is going to “go down”. It’s these times when I wish someone would hold my hand and guide me. I don’t want to do the wrong thing. It is taking me so long to release control. Control that I never had!!!

leslie
12:36 am March 12th, 2013

You are not alone. I have been where you ar. It’s tough to see your kid spiral out og control anf there is not much you can do about it. I told my daughter if she comes home high she is going to jail. Not in my house. Not anymore. I will not allow her to terrorize me in my house. It’s been tough but we will overcome this with love, faith and prayer.

amy
7:33 pm March 12th, 2013

I have for awhile known that my son was doing some kind of drug, but not sure what. I thought pills, pot and alchol. I was right about all that but then also learned that he is shooting heroin, and smoking crack. I have never had so many emotins to deal with all at once. I am mad, sad and scared. I have always been able to help the people in my life but now I am powerless. I am glad I have stumbled on this web site I have run off the 10 things to help me survive this and am going to read it everyday I feel weak. I only hope that he can do what he needs to for himself, I know this is the beginning of a very long road and its not going to be fun.

I understand what you have so say
4:57 pm March 15th, 2013

I wish that this didn’t hit so close to home for me. I could have written this myself.
I recently started a blog for families in recovery.

thanks for your blog, it is always helpful for us mothers of addicts to know that we are not alone.

Elizabeth
4:58 pm March 15th, 2013

My daughter is now clean for 2 1/2 months (for the 3rd time) and I am just holding my breath. I fear that unless she gets help for her depression she will relapse as she has done in the past. I am working on myself now… so many horrible feelings and I am afraid to let my guard down. I cannot seem to forgive. It is early in the game, I guess but honestly I don’t think I will ever trust her again… EVER.

just another mother
4:58 pm March 15th, 2013

I have a wise friend that told me she was ready to give up on her son when her daughter called her to repentance. Her daughter told her she can’t give up and that she needs to be the lighthouse for her son because no matter how far out in the stormy seas he gets he will be looking back to find her.

This gave me a different perspective. Instead of thinking I should fix my son, which none of us can, I now feel at peace with the role I play in his life. Just being grounded for him is a huge thing. He needs to know that I love him and that I’m here but I won’t participate in his drama or enable him. With this perspective I am not powerless – I can do that for him.

Rita, I feel your fear and pain and I wish for you the best. If he gets violent or steals from you please report him. My opinion is that the sooner you do something to stop him in his tracks the better. Don’t let it go on and on.

Marie
5:33 am March 18th, 2013

First of all I absolutely must (even though I doubt what I say will ever reach him) address “angry dude”. I know it is futile as until 3 1/2 months ago I too would have thought the same thing…

There is no way (or very difficult) to UNDERSTAND and not be judgmental of “those” parents of “those” kids that have drug problems. UNTIL one of your kind gentle loving children is using drugs.

Although it seems an eternity ago that I was judging (other parents and their druggy kids) it seems even longer now that the tables have turned. It is sooooo easy to Judge – I have learned so much and realize for the first time that sadly it can (really) can happen to ANYONE’s kid…..

I couldn’t relate to the “stoners or their parents(who I judged to surely be terrible parents. I was so clueless and heartless as to what those parents might be going through especially as “My Kid” had it ALL going for him and therefore (in my mind) would never (even remotely) in a million years come close to beig a drugy much less addict.

My son really did have it ALL going for him (according to society) until only 6 months ago He was a 4.3 student being recruited for his sport to UCSD, UC Davis and a US Military Academy(which I will not name out of respect for the military and especially that academy -7% acceptance rate). He had spent time with us as well as his really great friends.

I don’t say this to make anyone else to feel bad … I say this to emphasize the fact that even though he HAD all this. Last semester he lost it all to drug: according to him his old group of “freinds” are nerds and suck ups, those that are doing collegiate sports are “try hards” (as he has since quit his sport and rejected all offers to play at collegiate level. AND although I thought his last semester grades were unbearable(2.25) I just got his 2nd semester progress report — ALL F’s!!! and a note that he may not be able to graduate!!! What???

So don’t Judge!!!

My son just started an out patient rehab program. He has been in treatment for only 4 days (the longest days in my life) and already I have learned so much about him, myself, drugs, manipulation and enabling) it is crazy. I have learned how my son has ruled our house (not meanly but rather manipulatively) I have realized that at times we do not tell him “NO” to keep the peace. I have also realized how unknowingly I have been enabling him and how very difficult and sometimes seemingly impossible not to enable him. I have learned it has become second nature to cater to him in order to keep the peace.

Anyway its late and like I said it has been the longest 4 days of my life. My new motto is simple: Love, hope, faith & understanding. Keep the strength and follow your gut. Know you are not alone. Share your story as it somehow bring comfort/hope/peace to someone that is going through something similar……

Marie
12:04 am April 5th, 2013

wow angry dude…you may want to work on why you are so angry instead of lashing out at Parents that are doing the best they can.
Sounds to me it is easier for you to insult those around you rather than taking a goood look at YOURSELF! Maybe you are afraid of what you’ll see and or maybe it is just too painful for you to look inward however you need to realize that comments like you made…are only hurtful and that it serves no purpose other than getting out your own hate and anger… why???? take the log out of your eye before pointing out the splinter in anothers.

linda
3:17 am April 12th, 2013

I dont want to burst any bubbles but my addicted son is 30 he was in jail for the fourth time last year sober for 6 months in hail 3 at home. cried appologised hugged me told me everythng I wanted to hear .He was on house arrest till 24 th of december stole my christmas presents money and hart and left that night while I was making cookies for his children who are in foster care. I believe now there is no ammount of time being clean that will help if they dont want to get help.And even loosing his 4 kids didn t change him or his wife.

just another mother
1:57 pm April 12th, 2013

Linda, Your experience is a reality we all have to think about. I feel like I got some more good advice recently. I was told to see these children as they can become and treat them as tho their addiction is temporary. Also, if we even had a thread of hope we should treat that frail thread as a golden chain. Hope is a powerful tool and projecting that can give strength to those who are wanting to be well and it can soften our hearts. Giving up is a sad state of being.
We need to all hang in there and we can pray for our own inspiration for ourselves and for our families. God wants us to all succeed and will touch our hearts for good if He is the resource we put our faith in.

leslie
4:32 pm April 12th, 2013

I am so tired if my daughter’s addiction! I have tried everything. I took her to detox because she cried and said she wanting to stop using and wanted to be clean and sober. She walked out. Tried ti get her into rehab and she wint gi. She stays clean for a week or two and primises she is done. She pawned the laptop we got her for schiol just to get high. She sleeps all day and is gine all night. I’m tired if t he lies, empty promises and hypocracy. I’m desperate. I dont want my youngest child to live a life of addiction. I want to see her succeed and love life the way she was meant to. I know i cant make her get clean. I just wish she would stop once and for all and be normal. I’m tired of not knowung if i will see her alive again. I’m scared and very tired of the emotional rollercoaster she has strapped us in.

just another mother
5:09 pm April 12th, 2013

#2 at the beginning of this Blog says: You can’t fix your child’s addiction. Only your child can find the answers to their sobriety. You may provide your child with self-help books, spend every dime you have sending them to rehab, find support groups for them within your community or much more. But none of that will get them clean and sober and on the path to recovery, until they have hit their own personal rock bottom and are ready to recover.

I think this is true and when you finally hand it to them to deal with you will be free of it. I don’t know how old she is and that’s a huge factor but if she is over 18 she has all the resources that any adult has to stop the addiction. You can’t do it for her. I’ve been going through this for almost 15 years with 3 sons and after all these years of going through all you are I’m finally at a place where I’ve let them take over their own lives. It’s hard to hand it over to them but there is no reason for you to share the addiction with them. You need to be ok. Focus on all the good around you and let that go with her. She made the choice and now it’s hers. YOU can’t fix it.

linda g
6:54 pm April 12th, 2013

I have been at this for years and let me tell you one thing you should have written in stone these kids will tell you anything you want to hear blame you for their addiction sell your eyeteeth for their next fix and pull your hart strings so hard through guilt it isnt even funny. I have come to find that you cant justify enabling them by making the excuse that if you dont give them a bed in winter and dont at least feed them they will die. They need to fall and fall hard dont help them hurt themselves mine went to rehab and open door and even jail he made it look like he was trying all at my expense just make them understand the real world is out there love rhem but dont feed the addiction and maybe it will turn your way no food no money no bed .

brent bailey
6:02 pm April 13th, 2013

i am 42 and have had so many seizures and been to so many treatment centers ive lost count.plz remember he doesnt want to live like that.it is not his fault.there are things happening in our brains that doesnt think like other people.plz consider a personal relationship with god because after 27yrs im still here and i have tried everything.if he truly wants to quit plz think about it.he needs you and all the prayers people can say.plz take care if you dont you cant help him.godspeed

keelyn
6:21 pm April 14th, 2013

Brent, thanks for your words. People think addicts are weak and selfish and don’t care if they’re addicts. My son is in such mental pain. He just can’t process little things that most of us do automatically everyday. What he’d give to be able to wake up early go to work or school, shop, cook his dinner, etc. He’s intelligent but has trouble compartmentalizing and gets mentally overwhelmed and withdraws reaching for any drug available. He’s 22 and in his 3rd rehab. The first 2 were old fashioned 12 step. He’s now in CA at an alternative sober house and spends his weekdays at a facility that focuses on the source–lots of 1 on 1 and testing. Don’t know what will happen. I thought I’d be relieved that he’s safe and getting help but I’m worse than bfor and don’t know why. I keep crying. He started with pills at 19 and progressed to everything but meth. For the first time he recently said he needed help. Being somewhat of an empath, I am a target for manipulation and enabling so I’m glad this time he’s at a place 3,000 away. It’s got to be the worst for the mom to practice “tough love”. I never could. A guy very close to my son and I overdosed when he was 25. His mother had cut ties with him and she regrets it terribly eventho she knows it probably would have happened eventually. There’s a book called “Inside Rehab” and there’s an excerpt on “to let go or not to let go”. Reading this has made me feel better about not being able to let him go. There’s really no right way. It’s what you need to do at the time. I pray that time won’t come. Good luck, Brent-I have an inkling of what you’re going thru cuz of my son and good luck to all of us seeing our love ones struggle.

gayle
6:21 pm April 15th, 2013

I am thankful for this site and the support that comes with it. I just heard an interview with David Sheff on public radio. (Fresh Air broadcast) He is the author of Beautiful Boy (which I cried all the way through) now wrote a book called Clean. I haven’t read it yet. The interview confused me but also empowered me at the same time if that makes any sense. Wondering if anyone else heard this interview (you can google it) and what your thoughts are. God bless all the parents, sons, and daughters dealing with this awful disease.

linda g
2:25 am April 18th, 2013

I tossed my son out ten days ago he was never tossed out before I fell for the quilt and drove myself crazy He called his sister a few days later asked if he could stay he is now in her cold damp basement but went to the dr and got meds to make him sick if he uses The rules are tough and he knows she dosent play about he has been straight a week now When he asks me for anything I say no Ive gotten mad FINALLY no more lies enabling him to use me no more stealing from my house no more tears I finally am breathing a sigh of relief and broke my addiction to his bad behavior, I love him but cant give in just an observer in the background.

linda g
2:31 am April 18th, 2013

even if the jails offer some minute trearment the addict will come out and do what they want to my son had me take him to open door meetings 3 times a week told me what I wanted to hear only to find he was getting his drugs there hmmmmm what to do? nothing let them fall they decide to get help they will

stephen
11:50 pm April 18th, 2013

My stepson is 26 years old, he as a baby girl of 6 month, he is a drug addict, been convicted a lots of times, never got jail time, escaped warrants for two years, had an accident on a freeway while under the influence and killed a man in that accident, got charge and a dismissal of a manslaughter. he is currently under supervise probation for 2 years for possession, as to pay numerous fines which he doesnt, has to hold a job which he doesnt. he recently got evicted of where they live and of course knocked on his mom door. And of course regardless our fights about it, she took them in promising it will be for couple of days (its been 7 so far), I insisted to not have drugs in the house. But two days after moving in, he was high at the house, my wife found a bag with seringes inside and a pipe, we confronted him, and it endup with me phisicaly kicking him out. (you have to understand that i have a 3 years old and a 5 yeaars old and if they got hold of those seringes i can only imagine the possible nightmare). I have been patient with him and my wife denial, but I am at the end of my rope and i am afraid to do something i will regret, like considering leaving my wife.

linda g
5:45 am April 19th, 2013

there is some hope my son has been on soboxone and is acting like the son I used to have. Still toigh love he has started to think like a normal person and is making his own good dicisions. Thank God I see a small light at the end of the tunnel flickering but still afraid to believe its real. The Dr said there is a 60 percent recovery rate on this new treatment. I am praying my boy is in that 60 percent.

keelyn
4:34 pm April 19th, 2013

Hi, Linda. My son did subs but they can cheat. I made him take it in front of me and I would check his mouth after 5 min. but there were times that I couldn’t be there and he ended up using again. Subs are great for tapering off the dope and helping with the cravings but the underlying problem is still there and u can get addicted to subs and the withdrawal is worse than the opiate withdrawal. My son then got the vivitrol shot which I would recommend to anybody who wants to get off heroin or any opiates. You have to get it from a shrink-I think. We don’t have medical insurance for it but the doctor got it for free thru the company that manufactures it. Suboxone is part bups and part naltraxone. Vivitrol is just the naltraxone part so it’s not addictive. I hope the subs work for your son cuz i know people who were in that 60% and I certainly don’t want to bring a cloud over your relief. I just want to give you my experience with subs so u can keep and eye on your boy and be aware and know if the subs don’t work, there’s an alternative where they can’t cheat cuz it’s in their system for a month after the shot. But it only blocks opiates and my son turned to crack and benzos cuz he couldn’t blur out his problems with heroin.That’s why he’s in rehab now. Let me know if you want anymore info on our experience with the shot or suboxone. and i have my fingers crossed that the subs work for your guy.

Rita
6:51 pm April 19th, 2013

Linda, I am praying with you. Good luck to you and your son.

mari
2:46 am April 21st, 2013

Don’t let your guard down! This is what I want to say to parents. I love my addict, she is currently in rehab for the 9th time. I want to feel that this is “IT”. How long do the manipulative behaviors last? She wants me to visit and she “love” me so, but, “can you bring me ……” There is a catch, does she want to see me or does she need me to buy her “black leggings from Target”? I get so tired, 10 years of this, ups and downs, back and forth. This is a disease, I know it must be, I raised good kids, the other is doing great. Part of me wants to feel for the addict, part of me is pissed off. This is such a terrible dilemma we have to deal with. I don’t know what the answer is, but know you are not alone.

linda g
3:23 pm April 22nd, 2013

I am going to take my son to the dr tomorrow and will ask about the Vivitrol he is doing the sebox strips right now he is supervised but we dont make him take them he is homeless and suffers when he steps away from whoever is helping him. He was suffering trying to detox cold turkey so we gave him a little help I cant let him be with me here at home because he knoes I love him and enable him I am detoxing in a way by having hardly no contact with him he hates me right now but seems to be staying clean to prove I am wrong about him being an addict, If you love them you need to let them fall hard. Ots tougher on me than him. god bless us all everyone. thanks for your support and help

Michelle
9:31 pm April 22nd, 2013

As a parent of two grown adults, both having gone through years of addiction, you couldn’t have said it better. Thank you

leslie
4:33 am April 24th, 2013

You are absolutely right Marie. Can’t let our guard down. Cops and paramedics just left my house with my daughter. She was so high when she got home. Then we fimd out she pulled a knife on the boy she was with this afternoon. Third time this happens. Cops were not going to take her until ahe said she was going to kill herself. I hated seeing that. The way they strapped her down and took her. Buy she needs this. She’s 18 and so haed to make her stay in rehab. She already walked out of detox as soon as i dropped her off. I’m so scared she is going to kill herself of an overdose like so many of her friends. I pray each day she will have the strenght to stay away from drugs and she wont, she cant. Hope this time this works. I dont want to see her like ghis anymore

Trinity
1:01 pm April 24th, 2013

My son is a meth addict and last Thursday I bailed him out of jail for possession of meth. He had about 2 grams on him at the time time.
That made the 3rd time within 5 months I’ve bailed him out of jail (all felony charges) and each time his programmed response was he’ll never use again and will seek rehab. Tuesday night he shook the bottle (manufactured meth) in his room in my house. All the cook houses he used have been busted. He hadn’t finished the process (gassed it off) and a coke bottle was full of chemicals and he was passed out on the bed and syringes were on the bed. I could have called the cops which I did the first time it happened and that was a nightmare. I almost lost my house and I wasn’t going to go through that again so I disposed of the chemicals and threw him out Wednesday morning. I told him once again he has allowed meth to hijack his brain and last night, he made the decision to embrace the meth monster as his family so in essence he chose the devil over his own family so there is nothing on God’s earth I can provide for him any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m unconventional when it comes to religion. God can stand for good orderly direction or whatever it means to to each of us and the same with the devil. However, whatever evil power exits on this earth, Meth is spawned from it

I will share the email I sent to him last night. Trust me folks, this is my last rodeo with this man. He is 32 years old and he will die unless HE CHOSES to change.

Once again, you’re allowing your brain to be hijacked by meth. I asked you if you were going to use again if I bailed you out this last time and automatically the answer was no which is a lie and then you had the audacity to manufacture in my home yet again. Last night, you made the decision to embrace the meth monster as your family so in essence you chose the devil over your own family so there is nothing on God’s earth I can provide for you. I can’t watch you 24/7, it’s not my job and when you have the liberty of freedom there is nothing more important to you than shaking the bottle. The old saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink is very true. Maybe one day when you’re thirsty enough, you’ll get yourself some help. No matter what, any kind of treatment is better than no treatment at all so you need to think hard about that.

As you know, you cannot stay here anymore. You are a man, and most men inherently are warriors. For instance, men who join the service are ready to die for their country and nothing can change that conviction inside of them. They will fight to the death. You are a prisoner of the meth devil, and the warrior inside of you is prepared to die and nothing will change that which is why you must find another battle ground where and you and the meth devil can wage your war and fight to the death. I’m not quite ready to die yet and you have put me and my husband in harms way too many times and taken advantage of our sacred ground, therefore, I cast you out.

I have nothing else for you, no money, no more phone calls to agencies to get you help. If you want help, you must do it on your own. I tried to be supportive and helpful over the last 4 days, you perceived it as bitching but I saw what was coming long before you. I truly was trying to help you but all I did was enable you again

May God have mercy on your soul,
Ma

gayle
2:52 pm April 24th, 2013

Mari, I know exactly what you are talking about. My daughter is in treatment for the sixth time and every time I hope this will do the trick. I helped her find the treatment center (2 1/2 hour drive from where we live) told her I would take her there and the rest is up to her. I sometimes feel like i am her personal secretary and shopper. I sometimes feel like a pawn in her game to avoid getting into trouble with her parole. I’m not sure if this is all a way for her to avoid going back to jail because she has tested positive for drugs since she’s been out on parole. All I can do is pray that if her intentions are not to get clean that God throw a wrench in her plans. I don’t think she is done using. I don’t hear sincerity in her voice. She seems to need me to do something or buy something for her all the time but never wants to have an open and honest conversation about the drug use. So as usual i run around doing her arrands because I love her. I tell myself that i will not enable the drug use but i will enable recovery. Not sure if i’m doing it right, i do a lot of praying and do what is in my heart. Regardless of her intentions she will be clean for a while and I know that any amount of time clean is good.

keelyn
4:04 pm April 24th, 2013

Linda, Ur son needs to detox bfor he can get the shot. My son did it at home with the help of meds prescribed from the md. It was very rough but he did it. Probably better to do it at a facility,tho. That way they can’t give in when the detox gets really bad. He also didn’t like the shot-it has side effects like decreased sex drive (too bad!) and it also blocks alcohol but it’s better than overdosing. U can get it for free. I can give you the name of the company who manufactures it if you need it. U also have to be careful to get the following shots on time or a little early cuz as the shot wears off, they are very susceptible of overdosing cuz their systems are clean. Good luck with it. I hope he gets it.

gayle
6:23 pm May 2nd, 2013

well the sixth time was not the trick. I just found out she has left the treatment center this morning. Here comes the pain and worry and sadness all over again. I don’t know where she is. She is in a very big city and the treatment center is not in a good area of the city. She’s done this before. She knows if she’s caught that she’ll probably go back to jail. That’s what I am hoping for once again…that she will go back to jail where I know she can’t use and where I know she’s alive. I am going to try to get to a meeting. I know I need to for my own sanity. I’ll never stop loving and praying for her. I have to give her to God and trust in His plan for her life.

Susan S.
2:27 pm May 7th, 2013

I am truly thankful that I found this link this morning. I have been off work for a few days and once again my son, who is 32 and living with my younger brother, is in the hospital. This is the second time in a year he has gone to the ER for mysterious stomach problems including nausea and severe pain. The last time they sent him home with meds and said it was a virus. This time they are doing tests.
Of course, I am sure he is not telling the doctor that he is addicted to pain pills and that we are pretty sure he is doing meth and always his pot.
But my situation is different and drives my guilt to a stronger extent. I left my sons father when he was almost 16. I stayed in the same city for some time but then moved to another and was gone for nearly 15 years. Of course I visited and my son and his older sister visited me and I also paid child support above and beyond what was expected even creating an education fund for him.
But right after the divorce even before I moved, he started getting into trouble and then drugs and drinking started. His dad tried to keep up with it and I even thought of moving him to where I lived but every time he visited he would get into really bad trouble there as well.
He was in and out of jail by the time he was in his early 20’s and then he just dropped out of our lives when he got out of jail one time. None of us heard from him for over 12 months. He was literally thrown back into our lives by an accident that could have killed him…he was thrown through the windshield of a car that was flying down the highway and crashed. Of course, alcohol was involved. They called his dad and after his recovery he went home to stay with him and his new wife. That is when the pain pills came along and with them the addiction.
Needless to say he has lived with numerous ‘friends’ and family never held a job for more than a few months at a time, has had professional, spiritual and every kind of emotional assistance we could offer. But I do not think he has yet hit his rock bottom.
Plus, I have had my own issues with addiction in my life. My mother was mentally ill and my father left my brother and me with her to survive when we were just little. I didn’t even start to drink until I was in my forties and have always worked hard all my life, despite any issues with life.
My daughter has a good life now. She is married and has two children. My son has children as well but that is another story and I don’t even know if they will be in our lives at all.
I love my son but I do not trust him. I have forgiven myself for any mistakes I made in brining him up but I think he still blames me for a lot. Thank you all for the things you have shared in this post. We all want to be proud of our children in life and I suppose for me, as I am growing older, I want to know that my son will be ok in this life when I am gone. Honestly, I am not sure what will become of him if he doesn’t get on track and take responsibility for his life.

leslie
3:31 pm May 7th, 2013

I know the fear you are feeling right now. I’m so sorry. My daughter finally completed rehab last week. Her miod swings are still very apparent and she’s tearing my family apart. I want her well and away from all the bad influence. So hard when they are adults. I hope my daughter stays clean and focused on her recovery. I am so tired of worrying that she might go back to using and die. I hope your daughter is safe and returns to you. My prayers are with you. Hang in there.

gayle
5:57 pm May 8th, 2013

Thank you for your prayers. She did call from a pay phone on Saturday and told me she was going back to the treatment center that night but hinted that she needed money. Of course I didn’t even let her ask. No way was I going to provide her with money when I know that it was going to be used for drugs. She said she would call me again Saturday night and I didn’t hear from her again until today (Wednesday). This time she didn’t seem to want anything but just to let me know she is going to go back into treatment whether it be the same place (if they even let her back) or a different place. I told her she is choosing this life and that she won’t have a better one unless she wants it for herself. I didn’t freak out when she called like that last time and I hope that made her realize that the ball is in her court. I went to a parent al-anon meeting last night and It did wonders for me. I got so much love and support. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. We can’t give up hope! We just have to know that God loves them and that in all honesty our daughters are reaching out to Him, they just don’t know it yet.

Trinity
7:22 pm May 8th, 2013

Wow Susan, your post is exactly what I’ve endured with my son. It was like reading about myself and very ironic how similar our circumstances are. My son is primarily a meth addict but certainly doesn’t hesitate to seek pills if they’re available. My son is looking at a long prison stretch. He’s accumulated 5 felonies within a six month period; 2 manufacturing meth and 3 possession of meth along with 5 shoplifiting charges. He’s currently out on bond but he’s not going to walk once he has his day in court. Because of all the failed attempts at rehab and his continuing drug use I’ve come to the conclusion there are only two ways he will ever stop using. Prison or death by meth. My heart is with you and everyone who has an addict child. They’re unable to be productive members of society and their addiction takes its toll on the family unit as well, many times robbing us of joy and happiness in our own lives. It’s so sad but I must say I no longer worry or fret like I used to. My son is also 32 but has the mindset of a reckless teenager and chooses not to man up and do the right thing so I no longer allow his choices to turn my world upside down.

Keelyn
8:09 am May 9th, 2013

Linda, Ur son needs to detox bfor he can get the shot. My son did it at home with the help of meds prescribed from the md. It was very rough but he did it. Probably better to do it at a facility,tho. That way they can’t give in when the detox gets really bad. He also didn’t like the shot-it has side effects like decreased sex drive (too bad!) and it also blocks alcohol but it’s better than overdosing. U can get it for free. I can give you the name of the company who manufactures it if you need it. U also have to be careful to get the following shots on time or a little early cuz as the shot wears off, they are very susceptible of overdosing cuz their systems are clean. Good luck with it. I hope he gets it.

mari
3:00 am May 10th, 2013

Hi all Mom’s , Dad’s and Loved Ones-
It looks like we are all in the same “boat”, the sinking Titanic. WE DID NOT CAUSE THIS. This is a disease, it has it is strongly related to genetics. We made mistakes; like all parents and caregivers do, it is unavoidable. Please don’t blame yourself, it just happens, like diabetes, depression, severe asthma… that is what we are up against. Can we stop the onset of these diseases????…. NO.
So, who are we to think that we can stop, or control ADDICTION? If you look at it in these terms, it makes the whole process easier to comprehend and handle. Take that pressure off of yourself. Remember… YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS, YOU CAN NOT CONTROL THIS AND YOU CANNOT CURE THIS. Let yourself off the hook, and let them try to heal themselves. Be there but don’t destroy yourself in the process. I am sorry for all of the pain that we all have, please take especially good care of yourself, because that is all that we can really control in life. PEACE to all.

Steve
2:41 am May 14th, 2013

Really, PARENTS! WAKE THE HELL UP! I am a parent of a 29yr old son. Heroin. Oh yea, mom and dad got divorced, went to private schools, never fit in. Too f….ing bad. Done everything in the world for this kid. You CANT do enough for an addict. They will LIE to you! They will lie to Grandms and Grandpa! Let them go to jail or die how they choose! Yes, I may regret saying this at a later date in my life, but if I felt this way 5 years ago, I wouldnt begoing through all of this crap today!!

Steve
2:46 am May 14th, 2013

Really, I hear some replys as to “In trteatment for the 6TH time” Thats NOT treatment. 1,2 ,3 strikes you are out!! Let them go. Dont ever pay for a 6th treatment! Why are we SO STUPID???

gayle
3:04 pm May 14th, 2013

Steve,
I am the one with the daughter in treatment for the sixth time. Thank you for your comments. I am not paying for her treatment. She is getting her own assistance for that. She is there by her own choice. She is an adult. I did not force her to go. I do hear what you are saying and it is true…how can a 6th time be treatment? it’s really not, she knows the game…she may very well be manipulating the situation. But isn’t that her choice to make also… to continue to get clean, then use, get clean, then use? Bottom line is while she’s there the drug is out of her body and who knows when she will decide to stop this cycle. Some of us have different experiences and situations than others so please don’t judge with harsh words that hurt. This site is a place to find help and support. I do appreciate your comments but I could have done without the “so stupid” part. I hope that your son gets better too. I can tell that you are hurting too.
God bless

leslie
3:17 pm May 14th, 2013

Steve,you are absolutely right! My kid had it all. All the attention, the best everything, both mom and dad at home happily married and she still chose this path. She was in pschyc for 10 days because after acting irrational and violent i called the cops and she said the magic words “i’m gonna kill myself”. 4 days after she got out she was high. Tried to tell us otherwise. Did not comply with the court and did not attend chemical dependency group and admitted to the judge she was high. She will be in jail for 15 days to detox. I was advised not to put money on her books and not to accept any calls from her. It’s killing me but i refuss to be played and lied to. Tough love. I dont want my kid dead and i’m not going to spend my life savings on her. She needs a good dosd of reality and to really be honest with herself. I pray for her every day but that’s all i can and will do. If she straightens her life out, GREAT! If not…… It’s her choice. I love her but i will not give in to the addiction and the drama and heartache

7:51 am May 16th, 2013

Gayle. Well said. I support you and your daughter, and your belief in hope and possibility to get well. Your kindness, understanding, and tolerance are present in your words and I am so glad that you continue to comment on this blog post. May you have peace today, and rest knowing that your daughter is a part of a larger plan (that we don’t control!). Much love. Lee

Linda B
11:15 pm May 16th, 2013

Steve,
I DO feel the same. No more wasting money on a bottomless pit for us. If our boys want treatment bad enough they will find their own way. That too is their choice. The constant drama and heartache and money out the window has made us cold and callous to the situation. I certainly admit that. I love my sons more than my own life, but that doesn’t help a thing either. Since we’ve done this so long I think we just get too exhausted to put anymore effort forth. Not to mention, nothing we do helps anyway.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with their child being an addict. Most of the time we’re blinded by our love and commitment to our kids to “not” help them. I think we all essentially go through the same steps, but just at different times and lengths. Just like our addicts, we too need to find our own ways. No one is “stupid”, we’re just lost too.

mary
9:31 pm May 19th, 2013

I have been a subscriber to this blog for 2 years now, ever since my son Karl overdosed on heroin in November 2010.
The stories of overwhelming fear and frustration that we feel for our children resonate to our very core- but so does the ever powerful love that we have for them and the hope that they will return to us one day, happy, healthy and free from the grips of addiction.
I commend each and every one of you for the courage that it takes to stand up and fight this disease- for it is a disease, not a habit. We are no different from the parents who’s children are battling cancer- God bless them- it’s just unfortunate that there aren’t enough support groups for people “like us”. We, the parents, are the face of addiction too. We’ve been given a front row seat to watch our kids destroy themselves. Even though my story does not have a happy ending, I will continue to read your posts and pray for you and your loved ones. I will continue to work in my community to bring awareness to the need to support and love the families that are facing this disease and campaign to stop the insanity of drug use and addiction among our precious children. This I do in memory of my son Karl 4/11/80-5/29/11.

ann
6:19 pm May 21st, 2013

than you for what you have written. im in the middle of hell with my son. anything i can read is so very helpful.

Lisa Hannigan
4:16 pm May 23rd, 2013

My son has been clean 3 months except for being in the hospital and given pain meds. He has been diligent the last 3 times about not relapsing after these hospital stays. In addition ot being an addict, he also has a rare medical condition with loads of side effects. He is always going to the doctor and it is making my life nuts having to be available to drive him everywhere, including meetings and the doctors. Should I get him a car or is that just inviting trouble? This is the longest he’s ever been clean, but I’m afraid having a car will trigger him to go get drugs. Also, not having a car means finding work is really hard. OUr bus system here is horrible. Thank you.

Kate
6:13 pm May 23rd, 2013

Everthing you wrote has been my story too. I have come to the same conclusions. It seems to just be in them. I hope and pray that someday my 22 year old son wants to be clean more than he wants comfort from drugs. It is up to him now. I will love him always. His mental illness takes him down paths even he does not want to go. Family, friends and people in his life that don’t understand and don’t care will continue to say things like it is there falt and the stima goes on.In my heart I know how he trys and fails. Still it is in my heart to help him in health anyway I can. And I will

Elizabeth
2:21 pm May 28th, 2013

Lisa, I can certainly understand your dilemma with being undecided about getting him behind the wheel. Is there a friend who would be willing to go with him to his meetings, etc? (A non-addict friend, of course!) I know I was also uncomfortable with my daughter driving again until just recently. The other option is if you do get him a vehicle you could home drug test him just to make sure he is still on the right path. I know it is difficult to have to be available for him… I went thru the same thing. I missed a lot of work due to my daughter’s indicretions. I hope your son stays clean and congrats on his 3 month mark!

KD
3:00 pm May 29th, 2013

I felt comfort after finding this blog and reading the many entries that echoed my life. My husband and I kicked our 17 soon-to-be 18 year old son out of the house last night. (We kept his cell phone also.) He recently got off probation and started using marijuana that same night. He said it was to prove the PO was wrong in saying that one becomes addicted to pot. I was very upset and let down because I had attended his probation graduation and was so proud of him. This was in April and now it’s May and I find he’s been lying to us and using probably all along. My husband didn’t want to kick him out, but I told him we can’t continue to enable him. So now I’m feeling very bad knowing my husband silently resents me and knowing that I may never see my son again. I know that it’s in my son’s hands, but like you all have stated, it hurts like hell nonetheless. I just hope he comes to his senses sooner rather than later.

ann
11:51 am May 30th, 2013

This site s so helpful. My son has been on Suboxene for 6 months now along with seeing a doc and therapist. I think hes doing good, but since his visits were stretched to monthy I feel like something is off. I confront him and he gets mad. He is working and seems to be ok, but I cant shake my feelings. What can I do but hope and pray hes doing the right thing? Would love to here from some parents about subs. ugh!

Pickler Gal
6:22 pm May 30th, 2013

I knew I wasn’t alone in this battle….sure hard to be a parent of an addict. I know she won’t get help until she helps herself but i went ahead and did the commital papers on her yesterday. I won’t stand by and watch as my kid kills herself. I’m not sure if it was right or not. She hates me today. But meth is her baby at this point…..

Rita
5:24 am June 1st, 2013

I have read the posts. I never thought my daughter would reach this point, but, she has gone beyond it. She is violent. She hurt me (physically) tonight. I want her out of my house, and, I don’t know how/ I think if she lived with anyone else, they would kill her when she gets like this. I don’t know what to do.

Rita
5:26 am June 1st, 2013

What kind of drug does this to you?

just another mother
1:27 pm June 3rd, 2013

My son got out of jail on the 28th of May – he was there 3 months. So far he’s quit everything. He doesn’t use alcohol, tobacco or drugs – he is clean and sober and we all love him. It’s been hard, especially the tobacco but he seems pretty determined so we are hoping it will be good this time. He’s 32 and this is the first jail time he’s served and he says he won’t go back. We need to pray for all these people and their care-givers. They can’t do it alone. I sincerely pray for all of your loved ones. This is such a horrible plague.
Ann, I suggest you get a drug test for your son. Make him prove he’s doing good.
KD, my son told me that the most debilitating thing you can do to an addict is take away his cell phone. He said that is worse than taking his transportation. So, you did the right thing in my opinion.
Hang in there. I feel your pain.

keelyn
2:38 pm June 3rd, 2013

Ann, I wrote about subs here. They can cheat. They didn’t work for my son, neither did the vivitrol shot (which did provide relief cuz I didn’t have to worry about him overdosing on opiates). He wasnt’ ready to give up drugs,tho, and used benzos to block his pain. Trust your instincts, I hear clearly in your words that you know something isn’t rite. My son is now in sober living after a month in rehab and is doing great altho the real test will be when he enters the real world and I worry about that. Ask me any questions you mite have about subs. My son took them for almost a year. They do work for some so that’s the good thing.
I also want to reach out to anyone here who has lost their loved one to this horrible, gripping disease. I have trouble with the “enabling-letting go”conundrum we face. Is there anyone out there who can share their experience and feelings about what they mayb would have done differently and/or what they feel was the rite and only option for them at the time? I know we all have to do what feels rite for us individually but I would greatly appreciate any input on this painful aspect of “living with/or letting go” of the addict who we would give our lives for . Thank you and my tears flow for all of you who have had to feel the ultimate devastation of this relentless disease.

leslie
9:13 pm June 3rd, 2013

Rita, like you, i never thought that my daughter could reach the points she did. We all knew when she was high. She would be rude, extremely violent, disrespectful and just nasty. We did kick her out of our home 3 times. We changed the locks, turned her phine off stopped enabling her and even went as far as calling the cops in her. Which by the the way, was the best thing we’ve ever done! With the help of the court we made sure she was there long enough to withdraw. She is a heroin addict. I hate saying that about my daughter but it’s true. After spending over 3 weeks in jail she is not sober and going to group therapy 3 times a week, drug testing 4 times a week and still seeing her psychologist. We are so happy but so very nervous. We cant spent 24 hours right next to her but i think she has finally admitted to herself that she needs help. It was very hard for me seeing her go through all this drama. She even spent 10 days in psych for telling a cop she was going to kill herself. That didnt even help. Unfortunately, as parents, we are helpless until they decide for themselves that enough is enough. I keep praying tjat this is it. That i will finally have my daughter back. That i will not spend another night windering where she us ir if she is still alive. You need to be string, keep your faith, pray and get as much support for yourself as possible. Don’t be afraid to send her to jail. Something has to click in her head. I rather see my daughter in jail than having to plan her funeral. Praying for you and your daughter.

Rita
2:52 pm June 5th, 2013

Thanks for the encouragement. I guess I have been in denial, that she would wake up and realize what she is doing to herself and to me, and fix her problems. Today I’m out of hope, and beginning to understand that I am the one that will have to start the change. I have felt so alone and ashamed of what has been going on. I keep all of you in my prayers, also.

CL
4:07 am June 8th, 2013

My son is 23 and an addict. He steals and lies constantly. He has stolen from his younger brother numerous times. The most recent was today. As a mom I am struggling terribly today to know the correct way to deal with all this. Where can I go for help?

Susie Hess
12:32 pm June 9th, 2013

Oh my God! We are in the middle of our son’s addiction. It is his 2nd trip to rehab. This is how I feel. I just found out he stole some things from me and I was so angry. One was a video camera that had videos of his daughter when she was two. She is four now. He is addicted to heroin, prescription and I suspect he has used meth. Thank you for your wisdom and sharing. What I struggle with is feeling shallow for wanting to protect our stuff instead of his life. I feel that if I kick him out he may die.

Susie
1:24 pm June 9th, 2013

I was replying to original article not realizing so many of you had written your own stories as well. I read some of the posts and it seems that we have all experienced so many of the same feelings: sadness, fear, shame, guilt, and at times just being lost ourselves. I admire those of you who have had the courage to send your child to jail. I have thought about just to get him off the streets. Like I said my son is on 2nd rehab. We are hoping he will go on vivatrol when released to help him. We pray it will. I cannot imagine going through this by myself as a single mother. My husband and I have to learn to be on the same page. I have told him our son cannot come live with us any longer. He is more hesitant about that. Our son was home three weeks from first rehab when he used again and stole vrom us again.

just another mother
1:42 pm June 11th, 2013

I so agree with you who have said you don’t want to enable their children and I agree that we need to distance ourselves from them so they can feel the full repercussions of what they are doing without us softening the blow as they say.

And in doing that it helped me to keep in mind what one of our Ecclesiastical leaders counseled: he said “show confidence in the individual and not be judgmental … [treating] it as temporary when an addicted family member is struggling with addiction setbacks. “Surely they merit our steadiness, patience, and love—and yes, our forgiveness.” We are the lighthouse they look back to see when they get into those ugly stormy seas.

“We need to bear in mind that people can change. They can put behind them bad habits. They can repent from transgressions. …

“… We can help them to overcome their shortcomings. We must develop the capacity to see [our kids] not as they are at present but as they may become.” Craig A. Cardon

I hope this helps you too. To treat it as it is temporary and to see them as they may become impressed me and changed my way of thinking to a more hopeful and positive mindset.

My son has been out of jail two weeks and has a job he worked at for13 hrs yesterday. when he didn’t call me to come and get him when I thought he should have i got a sick lump in my stomach. I prayed to Heavenly Father to know if he was ok and got a distinct feeling that he was fine. It calmed my fears and when he got home he was ok – he’d just worked a lot of hours and was tired and hungry. I love tired and hungry – I can deal with that! Hang in there all of you. I know what you are dealing with.

keelyn
6:09 pm June 11th, 2013

My son went to primary rehab(28 days) for benzos. Naively I thought that was enuf time and he was cured with outpatient help. He hated outpatient, stopped going and relapsed. He wouldn’t touch benzos so got addicted to oxy and vicodin which, of course, led to shooting heroin. He then went on subs, that didn’t stick so he got vivitrol shot. Thank god I didn’t have to worry about heroin overdosing but he turned to benzos again and crack. We-I’m a single mom but his dad, who can’t deal with him but does pays the rehab bills-got him back into rehab. My son finally hit his bottom and asked for help. He went back to primary rehab and is now at a sober house in LA, 3000 miles away. He is 2 months sober and is so happy. Being in a different location has made a big difference and he doesn’t want to come back, not even for a visit. He’s happy, healthy. The real test will be when he goes into the “real world” cuz he surrounded by sober people now. I hear it’s cool to be sober in LA which is great. I’ve gone thru hell and back with his addiction but I never gave up and he thanks me every call for my love and emotional support. Knowing u love them is so important, he said he felt so alone and the only one in the world who “got him” was me and this helped him thru some agonizing times. Don’t know what will happen but I can sleep for now. Vivitrol and subs do work,I think my son just wasn’t ready to give up numbing himself. He didn’t get cravings on the vivitrol. One bit of advice is that 28 or 30 days of rehab isn’t enuf, they need to be away from the drugs for months. My son will be in sober living for at least 6 months.

Delma Bowick
1:44 am June 14th, 2013

this site looks like it may be able to help in some way thank you

Delma Bowick
1:48 am June 14th, 2013

My son has been an addict since he was 16 years old he is now 34 has a son and a veninous ex he has only been out of jail for 2 weeks and has used what can I do some one please advise .Iam 58 years old now can`t do this any more.

Truth and Opinion
12:07 am June 23rd, 2013

I myself am a recovering addict. It all started when I was a Freshman in high school (about 14 years of age) with the use of alcohol and marijuana. I always swore I wouldn’t move on to Hard drugs.. but time took its toll and in 12th grade at the age of 17 I began using xanax, cocaine, Molly (MDMA) and binge drinking. Never ceasing to go to school or work messed up, high as a kite and not being able to do anything without being under the influence. I was fired from 2 jobs and broke the trust of many family members and friends, via stealing while under the influence of Xanax. I’m now 18 years old, (Birthday being August 29) and from September 2012- February 2013, I was arrested 3 times. 1. Paraphernalia 2. Possession of Cannabis 3. Possession of Cannabis, Possession of Controlled Substance and Driving with a suspended license. I was in jail from 2/15-3/27 and in the end the conviction of my case had adjudication of guilt and 18 months probation. I am not saying I’m perfect, but I am dead set on my road of recovery, and while it’s been hard to quit drugs cold turkey and I have been stupid here and there, I can honestly say I don’t need drugs to live my life anymore, I have become familiar with sobriety, which is a dramatic change because even from the beginning in 9th grade, I HATE BEING SOBER. It was a complete and utter waste of time in my opinion. While an addict is always an addict, and one slip up can make them fall right back into the fiery depths of the lifestyle of a drug addict, EVERYONES case varies from the next, there are underlying reasons as to why someone decides to do drugs. Insecurities, childhood issues, peer pressure, etc. can all relate back to the way a parent handles different situations.

I know that I am the sole inhibitor of the addiction I let control my life, BUT anyone that says the parent has no role in a child becoming an addict at such a young age is ignorance. The slightest moves you make can and will control this. With drugs being in school at such a high rate, it’s ALL around and very easily accessible. You can google pills to see if they are Narcotic, and learn how to cook up just about any drug you wish. Household items can be used to become high, as simple as airduster, whipcream, cough medicine, hell if someone is ridiculous enough they could even drink your rubbing alcohol and get messed up (at a price though of course)

Point I’m trying to make is, the things your teach (or dont teach) your children can have a more serious effect than you would think. Especially when raised in a broken home. Your father teaches you how to be strong, stand up for yourself, turn down things you are un-interested in. Without a fatherly figure, things can become hard for a child. A mother typically teaches coping skills, love and compassion, sociability, Without a good mother role, you can feel neglected, socially awkward and just plain not loved, which can lead to drugs.

Parents and the atmosphere you grow up in have A LOT to do with whether a child is more or less likely to turn to drugs at some point in their life.

The child has the final say so.. But the family setting can be a make it or break it kind of deal.

If you have multiple children and one feels more neglected than the others, If you’re a single mom and continuously are introducing new men into your child’s lives. Are these step parents accepting and loving? Do they abuse your child mentally or physically? (Just because something doesn’t happen around you, or behind closed doors doesn’t mean it did not happen)

All in all, I have lived a messed up life. Your child hood really helps determine what kind of person you grow up to be. Most drug addicts experienced some sort of trauma or increasingly dramatic event such as physical, mental or $exual abuse as a child. I can no entirely blame my parents, because it was me who chose to do drugs and go down the destructive path I did. But I can say, that my parents constant arguing, divorce at a young age, an emotionally and physically abusive step father, emotionally abuse step mother, feeling of neglect from my father, constant insecurity of not being good enough ever from Step parents as well as parents and much more did not help me turn away from drugs.

As a parent you need to find that lukewarm center of Overly strict, and loose parenting, If you’re too strict the child will indefinitely want to rebel, if you’re too lose, they won’t give a crap and do what they want.

My generation and the generations to come are looking to be a damned generation for America. Most of everyone I know is on drugs, Doesn’t have priorities, an alcoholic, etc. And that is not limited to just punk kids. Even my military friends have severe drug issues (probably worse than my non military friends). Drug addiction is a serious illness, And when it comes down to it someone CANNOT and WILL NOT change until they are ready. Whether their rock bottom is a small arrest with a slap on the wrist, or going to prison for the uptenth time for a gradually increasing sentence.

Our children are who we nurture them to be.

Linda Jim
9:58 pm June 26th, 2013

I have a question if you could send me a reply I would greatly appreciate it.
While your son was in councelling did he go through a time of think the people helping him were against him, out to get him, or just plain didn’t like him and really didn’t want to see him get better? Also did he ever think they were not equipt to help him?
I have someone who is saying those thinga after just 4 months in a rehab program. All the family and friends believe them,,but I know better.
Please email me a reply.
Thanks. It’s greatly appreciated.

keelyn
12:29 pm June 28th, 2013

Don’t know if ur post was for me but, to Linda Jim, my son never liked counseling and always said it doesn’t help. He’s seen many therapists. He never thought we were against him or didn’t want to see him get better. It sounds like the person u are talking about is paranoid. My son’s drug was heroin and I never saw any paranoia but maybe it’s different with cocaine or meth. It might just take longer to leave his system and also -did he use for many years? Or mayb he’s not ready and is resentful and wants out. I hope not for your sake. When my son first went to rehab at 19, he didn’t take recovery seriously and wanted no part of outpatient or meetings. Now at 22, he is approaching recovery with an openness. still doesn’t get the meetings or therapy but is willing to go since it’s part of the whole process. He’s 6 mos sober with a 10 day relapse after the 2nd month when he was home between rehabs.

Elizabeth
1:23 pm June 28th, 2013

Linda Jim… from my experience my daughter was in counseling too for rehab and she kept saying, “These people aren’t like me… some of them live on the streets, etc,, don’t have job, etc” and I would tell her, “NO, you ARE just like them!” Since she was always what I call a “functioning drug addict”… always held a job, etc she thought she was above all of this… not so! I think that part of accepting rehab is having to accept what they are and the things they have done and that’s the hardest part of all. When she finally stopped denying her past was when she started to get better. She is 7 months clean and counting… I keep praying and hoping she will continue to heal and keep on the right path.

just another mother
2:31 pm July 1st, 2013

If I can chime in this might be helpful to you. I have three sons who are meth addicts. One of them is very paranoid. The other two are not. It may just be something that shows up more predominately in some than in others. I have been told that it may not ever go away even when he gets off the drugs but again, each one is different.

Elizabeth
8:13 pm July 1st, 2013

I have also heard or read that it does sometimes take a year or even two before the drugs are totally out of the system; that it can take that long for the serotonin levels to level out. I truly believe this and my daughter says she does too as she still has days where she physically feels under the weather for no reason. I agree though that everyone is different.

Delma Bowick
11:31 pm July 2nd, 2013

Is it bad not to like your child when useing can’t stand to even look at him, where is my big fat cuddley baby boy I want him Back.

Elizabeth
2:17 pm July 3rd, 2013

Oh, Delma… I felt the same way!!!! I have not been able to look at baby pictures of my child since all this started years ago… I felt guilty for not liking my child either… but I think it is normal and will take a lot of time for us… this history they have is fresh in our minds but hopefully time will heal. .. I have to believe that.

just another mother
5:36 pm July 3rd, 2013

Delma, Don’t worry, you are normal. It’s really the drugs you hate not your son but he’s the one who keeps taking them so it’s easy to blame him. He’s very ill. drugs are to an addict like air is to us. It’s inconceivable. My addiction was diet Coke and it was dang hard to quit that so I can’t imagine how hard it would be to quit other addictions. Hang in there and love him. That’s about all you can do.

keelyn
9:19 pm July 3rd, 2013

My daughter’s x boyfriend was in jail and his mother sent him a letter saying “where is my son. I don’t recognize u. U are not the child i had and I don’t want to know you the way u are. I will open my arms to my son if he can come back to the sweet boy he was bfor drugs.” He was so hurt by this and said to me ” Can u believe she doesn’t think of me as her son?” tears in his eyes in the visiting room at jail. He was released a few weeks after and I picked him up and drove him to a place where he could stay for the first night after being out. I got a call the next morning–he was gone. His mother will regret this forever. He is stil ur son, ur looking at the disease. I know it ‘s hard to take when they steal, lie etc. but ur son is still there. Don’t feel bad for resenting him tho. God only knows, it’s natural to act out sometimes and ,yes, hate, but ur son needs ur love ultimately. I am so sorry for all of us.

ann
10:35 pm July 3rd, 2013

Keelyn,
Thank you for your remarks. I am feeling much better about my son. None of those funky feelings. I think Im so used to having to worry and over think and just really study him, that I need to give him a bit of a break. I would like to know how they cheat on the subs so I can look for this. He is working and going back to school to finish his degree in the Fall so I am thankful for this, but lord knows he can stumble again. He really loves his therapy and all the docs he sees. When I talk to them they say he is doing great, should I trust that. Geez this just sucks. My friend just lost her boy to an overdose and another is reaching out to me because her son is doing drugs, its tragic. So again give me some clues on the cheating. I do see my son take his meds and am wondering how he could cheat. thanks so much :0)

keelyn
8:04 pm July 5th, 2013

The film has to be placed under the tongue and stays there until it dissolves-few minutes. My son would stand in front of me, put it under his tongue and then move it to his cheek or in his lip. Then would show me under his tongue and say it was gone. I found out after he was sometimes tearing up pieces of paper the same color as the subs and cutting it up and pretending it was the meds. I was clueless. There is a market for them and he sold some to guys who wanted to avoid withdrawal. I will ask him more about it when i talk to him but I have to be careful, he doesn’t like when I talk about addiction wanting me to move on. Like he wouldn’t be happy if he knew I was on this site. He’s doing so well for now and he just wants me to think of the future and happy thoughts–if it were only that easy!! He also was wary of subs cuz they are addictive and supposedly the withdrawal is terrible -worse than heroin so he wasn’t fully committed. Then he asked for the shot which has no opiates in it and cures cravings but then he turned to benzos and crack which aren’t blocked by the subs. I think then he hit his bottom and asked for help.

pam
9:15 pm July 7th, 2013

Truth and Opinion…..If the mother has not been the best person for her son, is there anything you think can be done to change how the son feels?

sheir
10:03 pm July 8th, 2013

I have a 19 year old son who is struggling with addiction. He has 5 misdemeanor charges and is facing trial for a felony toward the end of July. He does not work and is an endless vicious circle way of living. TODAY he will not be allowed back into his home. We wrote down the rules of the home and the rules were broken the very next day. I am praying for the courage to keep this tough love commitment of kicking him out . Its hurting my other four children and myself. I will put him Gods care. He was searching for rehabs, but I feel it was basically to appease me and the courts. If he really wanted to be there , he would be there not out running with his “friends” again. He is a very sweet , handsome, extremely intelligent, and loveable young man when he is clean. But a selfish devil child the majority of the time.I will attend his trials, I will visit him in prison. I know some day this will all be a memory. Is there anyone out there with some encouraging words?

Cathy
3:13 am July 10th, 2013

I have a 20 year old daughter. This is a tough one because for several years, she has been sick. I am to the point where I don’t know if she is sick from ” being Ill” to sick from all the meds the doctors have her on. She suffers constipation which triggers migraines. Severe migraines which landed her in the hospital over 35 times last year. The doctors ended up prescribing monthly doses of narcotics which she eventually became addicted to. She has OCD and who knows. She was getting additional narcotics from friends and boyfriends. She is now on Suboxone daily from a methodone clinic to keep her away from narcotics. She’s on a bunch of other meds and feels awful. She won’t listen to me or any advice. She blames me for not curing her. I have spent about 40,000 dollars trying to help her and live with constant verbal abuse. She has smashed most of my furniture. I want her well and at the same time, I am done with taking this on. I cannot fix her and want her out of my house. I don’t know what to do next.

keelyn
1:24 pm July 12th, 2013

Cheating at bups can have serious consequences and bad indications. I know from experience. Keelyn

just another mother
4:24 pm July 12th, 2013

Cathy, I feel so bad for you and for her. That is such a terrible way to live. I wish I had a fix–I don’t, but know that my heart goes out to you. Don’t lose hope, she can change. You are an angel.

Shari Locke
7:29 pm July 15th, 2013

All I can say is Thank You…My daughter is 2 weeks into a long term rehab…she spent 1 full week in jail…I have so many doubts and constantly second guessing every decision over the last 3 weeks. Your story sounds similar to mine…I have 2 children also my other child is married and has a very healthy lifestyle. I love my daughter more than you can imagine and the pain is so deep. I spent this last weekend putting all of her things away…There is no instruction on this sort of thing and we have no answers…so I feel truly thankful for reading your web site today…Thank you.

ann
10:03 pm July 16th, 2013

keeyln,

Thanks for the sub info. Geez life use to be so easy. Now my stomach gets that pit in it everytime the phone rings. My son seems to be doing good, but I cant help but wonder. Does anyone regain the trust they use to have in their child? I ride my sons tail all the time. Questioning him and so on. I have pulled back a bit , dont want to, but I am trying to trust his docs and him. Wish you lived near so I could lean on you everytime Im stressed :0). My son has appt next week to see doc. They are tapering him off the subs. What next?? I guess I will just have faith and keep my fingers crossed. Thanks again and good luck with your child.

Becky
3:12 am July 17th, 2013

I have a 24 year old son battling addiction and the lifestyle. I haven’t talked to my son since march 12, 2013. Trying the tough love approach, it’s killing me. Been doing this for 7-8 years now and just don’t know what to do any longer. I recently heard he may no longer have a place to live and am praying this will force him into rehab . I don’t know what to do so I’m doing nothing and feel worse than ever. Anyone have any advice??

camille nicotri
9:56 am July 17th, 2013

this was so true and written from this mothers heart: I truly understood her words and felt her pain!

ann
3:26 pm July 17th, 2013

Becky,
I wish I had some advice. Im sure you have done all that you can. My son is an addict too, he is doing good now, but i know how easy it is to relapse. Not sure if I can handle another round of it. I cant imagine 7-8yrs of it. You must be worn out. The only advice I can give you is not to shut him out of your life by not talking to him. You certainly do not need to give him a place to live or money etc……but god forbid something happens to him. You would never forgive yourself. I say this because 4wks ago my friends son accidently ovedosed. She was on the outs with him, while his father wasnt. Ofcourse both of them are beside themselves, but she REALLY is since she had washed her hands of him. Just let him know you love him . I pray he will get into rehab and be fine.

keelyn
1:00 pm July 18th, 2013

Ann, I asked this blog to give u my email address so we can get in touch more frequently. Hope it’s not against their rules. I think the fact ur son wanted the subs is a step in a good direction. When he goes off the subs, drug test him at home. Tell him this at the doctor’s office ( mayb u can say the md wants it) so he knows it’s gona happen randomly. If he relapses(hope not), see about the shot. U mite also ask the md about getting a Narcan kit which is nalaxone administered nasally and it reverses overdosing on opiates. I kept this kid handy altho I never had to use it. I read a mom’s post. She lives in NJ and said that her son went to rehab in FL and then got an apt and was sober for 18 mos. I rote her to ask how he was doing and did she have any advice for me. She rote back and said her son missed home and moved back to NJ in 2004, he overdosed in 2005. Her original post wasn’t dated. She stressed 2 things-if possible, don’t let ur son come back to where he used and where there’s life, there’s hope. She said tell him u love him every time he calls and that ur there for him and u believe in him. Jump on any spark of his wanting to recover as hope. My son said he’d never go back to rehab after the first-he was 19, saying he could stop by himself. I think when he finally realized he couldn’t go it alone, it was a turning point. I have researched lots of sober livings in different parts of the country if u want suggestions. Hang in there, I know exactly the pain ur going thru, it’s always there-awake or in our dreams. Praying for u.

cindy stockl
3:11 am July 22nd, 2013

im a 47 yr. old mother of a 27 yr. old daughter that has a alcohol and prescription addiction. I have raised her son since he was 4 months old ( now the sweetest 6 yr. old ) his dad had been introduced in his life when he was a year in a half old and now has custody of him and lives with his daddy and is a very happy boy under the circumstances. I and my two other daughters and husband has been on a roller coaster with her, some very frightening moments and many times of her being in jail, detox, rehabs, and hospitals. I have come to my rock bottom just these past couple of months ago when she relapsed again and told her she will not be living in my home anymore. My daughter is now in California with my mom that tends to enable her. I get a phone call wanting to know if I would think about having her live at my home again cause she has nowhere to go when she comes back to Texas she would be homeless. NO! is my answer I cant stand to be on this roller coaster anymore. My mom thinks I’m heartless and has given up on her. But that’s not what I feel I have decided to stop rescuing her and to be able to focus on me (selfish? I don’t think so) my mom has enabled her and can’t see what we all have gone through. I hurt, I’m sad. I love my daughter always have I just cant do it anymore and my mom just doesn’t understand.Any comments would be appreciated.

Kathy
6:46 am July 22nd, 2013

My story is a long one but I will try to make it short. My first husband died from drug addiction in 1982. Am now happily married 10 years to a good man. My 43 year old son is a drug addict and has used drugs of all kinds since he was 14. Pot is a drug that I know now that he uses daily but he has used many dangerous street drugs and now seems to be into hydrocodone off the street. It seems impossible that he is still functioning. He has had two wifes and two women he has lived with. We have four grandchildren — all of them have different mothers. I am writing to say that since the 1980’s I have gone to support groups including Al-Anon and Families Anonymous. The last couple of years I have struggled to keep my own mental health from causing me to not want to be around anymore. I have had 5 weeks of depression treatment that helped me a lot. BUT despite a tough struggle every day to keep myself from enabling or getting too sad or crying or whatever over the last 30+ years of my life and even still going to meetings and other groups every week, I just can’t seem to pull myself out of the pit of despair I am in. Please help me. Kathy

Mike
3:43 am July 23rd, 2013

Our 30 yr old daughter is an addict. For how long, we don’t know. We first admitted it to ourselves a little less than 2 years ago. She was pregnant with her second child at the time. She was snorting Xanax and taking other pills at the time. We finally kicked her out. She was 5 months pregnant when we did this. After a month or so, she agreed to counseling, though she never would admit to using. They started her on methadone and continued it until our grandson was born. He was born with a major heart defect that required open heart surgery when he was 3days old. All research points to her Xanax use as the cause of his heart problems. That seemed to sober her up. Thank god he is doing ok, though he will have to have follow up care his entire life. She began dating another scum bag, (her third in a row) about six months ago. He was on probation after doing 2years for trafficking. It became apparent she was using again. We would find suboxone wrappers and when we confronted her, she would always say they were someone else’s. 4weeks ago her boyfriend was arrested for DUI, possession of paraphenalia, possession of a controlled substance and now has violation of probation added. He had been driving her to work, but they seized his car. We let her drive my truck one day, and the next day we found her rig (syringes, spoons and tourniquets) under the drivers seat. We kicked her out that day. Luckily, she is letting us care for both of her kids. She is or was until today, living with various drug addict friends. Today she informed us she has no where to live and asked to come home. My wife and I are standing firm that she can’t come home until she gets treatment. It has been so horribly hard to think of our daughter being homeless but we feel this is a way to make her hit bottom and to seek help. We are trying to stay strong for the babies. At 60 yrs of age it is hard to get back in the momma and daddy roll for babies, but we can do it. If not for the babies, we could cut all ties to her, but as much as we want to do that, we can’t. I just hope and pray she finds the help she needs. But she has to want it. We can’t force it on her.

Kathy
5:28 pm July 23rd, 2013

to mike,
I guess all our stories are similar. I wonder if we will be taking care of the new little one just born as his mother is also a user as is my son. I am 65 years old and my husband is a bit younger but I feel I would do care for my grandchildren if it meant they would have a better life or their parents were not doing good parenting. Today I feel better. The weather is beautiful and I took a long walk with our dog. All that helps. I am retired and it seems harder to not think about my son than when I was working. Last night I cried and had a “small” meltdown but today feel renewed and will keep on working on my own life and what I need to do for me. I guess I realize I’m going to have bad days when I just cry but I’m going to put up a little sign on the cupboard door that says “Tonight or tomorrow will be better and if it isn’t I can handle it.” It’s OK to feel but the sad feelings can be so hard to take care of.

Kelly Rupp
1:07 pm August 12th, 2013

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! My 22 year-old son isn’t incarcerated but has been arrested and is in denial. He tried out patient for a short time, has gone to a short term in-patient facility twice and has been to the hospital twice. He knows he is the only one that can choose to change but does not believe he can be helped by any treatment facility or group. I love him but his life is wreaking havoc with mine and his dad’s. I pray and trust the Lord will help but don’t know what to do in the mean time. I pray for you and your son.

mari
5:04 am August 14th, 2013

It is very evident that we all, love our kids very much, it is the terrible DISEASE OF ADDICTION that we hate. It’s like that old movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, our kids have been replaced by people we don’t even recognize anymore. How many lies and manipulations can we take? It just doesn’t seem fair sometimes, friends kids are going to college or getting their first jobs. I’m hoping my daughter will stop selling herself for drugs and get back into treatment for about the 10th time. Having dealt with this in some form or another for almost 10 years, I am able to say to her no she can’t come home again, it doesn’t work, it doesn’t change anything. These kids/young adults needs to suffer the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES for their actions. If we continue to step in, fix it, rescue, what will they learn from it? When will they hit this legendary “bottom”? Just some thoughts, and though I feel this way and am focusing on taking better care of ME I still wake at night sometimes and just cry for all that has been lost, but also for all that is possible. Keep Hope alive.

just another mother
1:06 pm August 14th, 2013

Great advice Mari – I agree with what you said. I’m going into this for the 17th year with what has become 3 of my sons. One is in recovery now, thankfully – I never thought I would be able to say that. The other two think they are still functioning while they are using. When they get to the point when they realize they can no longer function because of the addictions then they will know it’s time to get help. I don’t know when that will happen but I have learned that any help we give them goes directly or indirectly to drugs. I know now it doesn’t help to pay their electric bill or buy them groceries because that leaves what little money they do have available to buy drugs.
Hang in there and have hope – it is absolutely essential that you believe that someday it will get better. See them as they can become and treat the addiction as though it is a temporary illness.

Linda
2:05 pm August 16th, 2013

My son is an addict. He was in rehab, left too soon. He is a sweet kind person, but he’s addicted to heroin. He is in jail right now..” I feel I need to be here right now”. Probably the smartest thing he’s said in months. Although it tears my heart to pieces I know that at least he is off the street and not using. I love and pray for him. What more can I do?

Kim
10:06 am August 18th, 2013

Hello, I am a mother of a 22 year old heroin addict. This has been going on for over 3 years now. She gave her daughter just over 2 years ago. When I say she gave her up, I mean CPS removed her from my daughters custody and my daughter has done nothing to try and get her back.

My daughter was a good girl growing up. Her high school sweetheart started doing drugs at the end of high school. For the first few years after his addiction started, she tried everything she could to stop him. When she couldn’t change him, she joined him. They haven’t been together since they lost their daughter.

I am a little ahead of the game when it comes to not enabling an addict. I was a drug counselor until 2009. I became a drug counselor because both of my parents and several of my sibling are addicts. Drugs have been a major part of my life because I have always lived with the consequences of the addicts around me.

I know what to do and not do when dealing with my daughter. I sit back and wait to get a call that she is no longer with us. She is homeless, pan handles for money, sleeps wherever she can, has sores all over her body, is dirty all the time, and is starting to lose her teeth, and sometimes I won’t hear from her for weeks. Even though I know that there is nothing I can do, it has taken away my quality of life. I no longer enjoy life. I look for reasons to get past this and move on, have been in counseling for 2 years myself because its taking everything I have to find something worth living for.

I know there is hope, because I have seen it first hand of how people can change.. My fear is that she will never make it to that point..

Thanks for letting me vent!! Just had to get it out somewhere..

Wife of Mark 5/8/12
2:33 am August 22nd, 2013

Hello Sisters and Brethren,
We still visit occasionally to catch up a bit… Rose: good to see you keeping the faith; Linda: glad that your emotional separation from sons 2&3 still gives you the peace to count your blessings. Other Lindas (there are a lot of you, ironically): thanks for sharing and caring. Trinity:praying for you… your coexistence with the penal system is about to begin… no fun. Mary L, from 10/17/12, you could have been writing the story of MY life. The driveway hesitation: I know it so well! and Keelyn: huh, learned more about suboxone from your posts than the medical websites, thanks. And for the rest of you in our sad society of broken children and lost dreams, I will keep you in my prayers. It is said that misery loves company, but the truth is misery is a lonely place and while I would not wish this life on anyone, there is comfort in knowing we are not alone in our struggles. Bearing another’s burden makes our own load feel lighter.

Mark felt like we should submit an update. Sorry to say, since Mark’s desperate post more than a year ago, our son stole that wallet that Mark slept with under his mattress, took one of our vehicles and was found asleep in it 2 days later with a gun on his lap. Sentenced again (for 5 years) for the possession of the gun, clearly against his parole, but given an opportunity to serve only 6 months in a correctional treatment facility instead. This is how messed up our kids are, folks… did the 6 months, released and using again nearly as soon as he hit the street. Reported for mandatory drug testing only once (failed) and thought he’d just skip any other appointments. I don’t think he thought they’d come looking for him in our cozy little suburb, but he had to leave the suburb to go find drugs and that’s where they caught up with him for a minor traffic violation. The judge imposed his remaining sentence of 4 years. Chance of early release after 18 months, but under probation, so once again, he will be subject to drug testing and community control (conditions that sorely interfere with his drug use, so I have to wonder if the effort and lawyer fees will be worth it.) By the time he is out of prison this time it will be the better part of 10 years spent behind bars. The pain of this realization is mind numbing.

May I say a bit about the alternative of prison? Some of you fear this as much as the middle of the night phone call we hope we never get. My son actually looks healthier when he is incarcerated. I don’t doubt that prison has saved him from years of daily drug use and maybe death on the streets. On the down side, it’s a hard life in its own respect… dehumanizing. Culturally, worlds apart from life outside and hard to shake. He watches prison reality shows constantly when he’s home. It is what it is, but maybe not as bad as the alternatives.

As for us, Mark and I, we’ve been down this road before. Our lives become oddly (and blessedly) normal again when our son is incarcerated. We’ve never kicked him out… his absence is of his own accord and we always know where he is spending the night. A bit more cynical but hopeless? No. Maybe this time he will want something in his life besides drugs when he gets out. Prayers for perseverance and an opportunity to find joy to all of you.

lindaloo
5:55 am August 23rd, 2013

I know you love and support your son and will do anything to help them mine was in jail for a year came out told me everything I wanted to hear and its a year later and he is in jail for theft and is using if your son is in jail let them figure out how to go on when they gwt out by themselves dont help them to death like I did I hope he does great though I have been at this for yrars and cant enable mine any more jail will save mine for a while.

Sharon carter
10:59 pm August 23rd, 2013

I am the mother of a 23 year old active drug addict. He broke into our home today for the second time this week, but it was armed and the police arrived. He told them that he was homeless and needed help. I don’t know if he was escorted out, or they left him, but nothing we know of is missing, today. On Monday this week, he “broke in”, took a check and forged it for $150. He also took a valuable gold coin that had been a bar mitzvah gift of his. He apparently was watching the house and waited for me to leave today. I am in the anguish, again. He has felonies and is facing some serious time, if and when he shows up in court. I am powerless, and as was expressed by this mom on the blog, nothing I do makes a difference.
I entered on google-“son is an addict and broke into our house”, and this blog came up. It is so comforting. I’m scared of him and for him at this point. I think God for taking care of him, however that may be.

lindaloo
6:58 am August 26th, 2013

welcome aboard sharon my son is a user I enabled him got him out of jail etc. If I knew then what I knew now he would rot in jail sober than let him steal everything I had all money possesions etc. He and his girl lost my 4 grandkids who I will probably never see again and now was with another girl who is an addict and lost her 3 kids. Dont fall for the lies and crap jail is a safe place for them and they wont get shot breaking into a strangers house bless u all hang on and hope

leslie
12:38 am August 31st, 2013

I owe my sanity to this blog!!! If it wasnt for the stories and experiences of others on here, i wouldnt had had the strengh to call the cops on my daughter. first time wd called the cops they took her to mental health because she said she was going to kill herself. Spent 2 weeks there. But it wasnt long enough fod her to get completly sober. After just 3 days back home she managed to use again. Her drug of choice, heroin. She was so high it was scary. She flipped when i called hed on it. Kicked me off her bed. She was so high she called the cops on herself. The cop was just going to make sure everyone was calm but she flipped again. Called the lady cop all kinds of names. She was taken into custody and spent 4 days in jail. Thought it was over. 2 days later she was high again. Again, I called her on it against my husband’s request. But i hate to see her fall apart and behave so poorly. And to be honest, i am so scared of her when she is high. She spit in my face. I called the cops. This time she spent 2 weeks in jail. She was put in drug court. Saved her life so far. She attends group sessions 5 times a week and has a one on one session once a week. Drug tests 4 times a week. Has to report to court every monday. If she has a dirty test they take her into custody on thd spot. Thank God the jail experience was rotten. She is doing very well. She made the choice to stop using and get her life back together. She will be 19 next month. Has been clean for almost 6 weeks. Our sweet girl is almost back to her own self. She started college classes this week. I cannot stress enough to all of you to be strong enougb to let your kid go to jail. It saves lives!!! I do keep praying every day that she stays clean. I hope and pray that all of you can find the same strengh from this blog that i have found. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

keelyn
5:15 pm September 2nd, 2013

Leslie, can you get her on subs? or better yet the vivitrol shot. It blocks opiates so they can’t feel the high. I got the shot for free but I had to go through a shrink and my insurance didn’t cover the visit. My son will be 6 mos clean in 2 days. The vivitrol helped in his recovery(maybe kept him alive) but his sobriety really came when he decided he had enough,when he started doing crack, just fell apart and hit his wall. He ran out of options and gave up which, to me, is key to getting clean. It took a lot of drugs and horrible times and luck to stay alive to get there. And there’s always the threat of relapse but he is in as good a place as he can be now. And I thank God every day. Someone who lost her son told me “hope is so important. as long as they’re alive, keep that hope” This has helped me many times.

Lynn
10:19 am September 3rd, 2013

thank you so much for posting this i cried throughout the entire reading.I am the mother of a beautiful 26 yr old daughter who is a heroin addict.I have been going through divorce for the past three years and at the same time become estranged from my daughter who has said the most awful things to me and about me.I blamed myself for her condition and feel guilty for having to limit my interaction with her.I am afraid for her everyday and pray that one day she too will hit her rock bottom.

jemima
5:37 pm September 8th, 2013

I found this blog while looking for anything on the web to give me answers…..and to tell you the truth I don’t think I need an answer other rather than a way to become invisible when my 31yr old drug addicted son come knocking at my door….and I know its going to be a word-fight and at the end I will be the loser and give him money just to get some peace in my life for a few hours. He’s been to rehab 3 times before the age of 21….have been to jail as many times…cost me my life as I am becoming a hermit because I’m ashamed of the way he is….rude, untidy, doped always……and I am a teacher. O my God how will I survive this! I can’t run no more!
We all think where / what did we do wrong! But really I’ve tried and tried….I have to fight this thing alone and am at my lowest point now

Lorene
2:40 am September 21st, 2013

I have read at least half of these “feeling sorry for mom” stories. Sorry, I am a grandmother going thru sad addition of a 22 yr. old young man suffering from addition…..he is the result of poor parenting in the developmental years. Parents… children are like wet cement…everything you do leaves an impression! I am fed up with martyr mothers…. you did not wake up one morning to an addicted child!!! Where did you fail. … The tendency genetically to addiction can be liked to the tendency to diabetes. if a child shows the tendency to being diabetic, early on help is given So. if compulsive / addictive personalities are in your family, learn about addiction early. Did any of you stop to think of the addicts life….a car without brakes on a down hill road!

Tanya
5:08 pm September 23rd, 2013

My daughter was doing so well with recovery. Almost made her 200th day! Then she relapsed. We’d suspected it, but finally confirmed it with her. She told me the other day that she was ready this time to get back in with her sobriety and going to fight it this time even harder. She’s been to rehab one time. HUGE melt down the other night and misunderstandings happened. It was awful. She hasn’t talked to me since. I’ll talk and she just ignores me. I’m hurting so bad. I do everything I can for my kids. We have said before that if she’s using she can’t stay with us. Not that I’d ever kick her out – even though I know that that is what I’d need to do. I’ve been making her pay a minimal amount for rent and she’s been keeping up with it. The other night paid my husband and then later during the fight wanted it back since she was going to move out. He wasn’t going to give it back and I told him to just give it back and let her go. I was so tired of fighting – and she was in no shape to reason with anyone. I’m just so confused – I so want to be there for her as I have always been her biggest supporter. But she gets so hurtful when she gets in these moods. I just don’t know what to do. I know I’m not alone – but it’s so hard!

Tanya
4:11 pm September 30th, 2013

Things seem to be going a little better. My daughter contacted her counselor to get back in with her today. I think that is a great starting step for her. She is also agreeing to let us take control of her money and bank account. She confided in me last night that she is going to miss being high because it is such a great feeling when the body goes numb. I just don’t get it. And I guess I never will. I’m feeling better today because she is reaching out for help again and doesn’t want to live like this anymore. I want to be optimistic, but something in me this isn’t the last time. I know it’s going to be a life time problem for her, but I see others who have gotten clean and stayed clean. I hope she will find her way to do the same.

Gayle
2:44 am October 2nd, 2013

Lorene I must say in response to your post that the feeling of guilt as a parent of an addict is what, if you read these posts, all of us go through. Unfortunately we cannot control another human being and their choices regardless if they are our children or not. And with heroin it just takes one time. So what good does it do anyone to throw around blame. We are parents of addicts and with that unfortunately comes hurt, worry and fear. This is why we go to al-anon meetings and to sites like this to gain strength and support. Everyone has their story but burden of responsibility and recovery is on the addict themselves. As parents we cannot do it for them or turn back time to “stand in front of the bus” for them, and that is why it hurts us as parents. I believe I can safely say that most of us as parents are not in despair because of our own lives and what the addiction has done to us, but we are grieving for our children. We love them unconditionally and would take on their burdens if we could. It is obvious to me that the parents who post on this site truly love their children. We are here to help each other.

Shari Locke
3:30 pm October 2nd, 2013

Gayle I love what you said it was beautifully written! Thank you!

Gayle
1:45 am October 5th, 2013

I’ve had a realization this past “episode” that I cannot carry on a relationship with my daughter as long as she’s using. I will not call her or try to find her to make sure she’s okay. I’m not giving up, I will always love her and pray for her and will receive her with open arms if she is living a clean life. I had to tell her this as I spoke with her on the phone while she was and currantly is in the hospital for right sided endocarditis (inflammation of the heart valve) due to a staph infection from using with needles. She can make a full recovery if she stays in the hospital and receives antibiotics for the full 4 weeks. She’s still 3 hours away and I was able to visit with her two times before I decided that I won’t visit her again until she is living a clean life.
See… She had to have a picc line put in for the antibiotics and shortly after they put the picc line in she took off from the hospital and used. The hospital called the police and so did I and believe it or not… They found her!! She went back to the hospital. The hospital basically had a babysitter with her at all times, but here’s the unbelievable part…for a week after that I found out she had been using in the hospital by having drugs delivered to her room by way of ordering out from a local restaurant!! She is pretty much on “lockdown” now…no visitors, no food delivery, no phone and a babysitter and bathroom with the door open. All this time I have been in complete despair thinking I’m definitely going to lose her so I better do everything I can to make sure she’s okay. The first time I went to see her (before the picc line) I just held her and caressed her head like she was a baby in my arms again and I just cried while she slept. (I thought she was a little too out if it for her just having had 1mg of adivan) now I know it was more than that. And it’s all clear now why I could hardly have a conversation with her on the phone. The second visit was after the picc line and when all the other things came to light. I got a wake up call (thanks to my dad). I can’t keep coddling her. I have spared her the consequence of losing our relationship if she uses. She crashes and here comes mom to make her feel better, just good enough to go out and use again. There is no relationship now anyway…this is not my daughter…this is the drug. It is so very hard to let go but when I realized what I am doing is not helping her and may be hurting her, i can do it. I trust in God and I still have faith and hope that she can overcome this by His grace. I believe I have hit my own “rock bottom”.

Donna
1:58 am October 6th, 2013

I too am the parent of a drug addict. My son was about 14 when I realized he was smoking pot. During his high school years he went to live with his dad and I would have him for the weekends. I started noticing a difference in his appearance and motivation. By the time he was 23 he was addicted to heroin. He was arrested and was given the opportunity to attend drug court…which he did not graduate from and now has a felony. The only people he knows are his associates from drug court…none of whom I know to be sober. He was working and living with his girlfriend in a Dysfunctional relationship. When they would fight, he would come home. He is now 27. A few weeks ago he came home high on heroin. (I now know the signs quite well) Although he tries to tell you he only smokes pot. He continued to lie and make up his usual stories. And I havent seen him since. I know he and his girlfirend gave up their home because they couldnt afford it. I know he is on his last leg with his job due to late arrivals and the girlfriend was laid off. I think they are just sleeping in her car. I can’t go by more than 30 minutes without thinking about him and worrying,,, but at the same time I am so angry. I just don’t know how long I can continue with this emotional roller coaster, but I now know that I have to stand my ground and not let him back unless he is sober, and gets rid of his cell phone and pc so he can’t easily communicate with his current group of friends. He has always been a kind, shy and reserved person and where I used to see remorse, I now see that he is resigned to this life of his and he no longer displays remorse. He just seems depressed and is quieter than ever. I just have to continue to pray that he will hit his bottom before he dies, and I pray to give me strength to be strong.

Cindy Stybe
4:51 pm October 6th, 2013

I was grateful to come across this article to today. My 25 year old daughter has been struggling with her heroin addiction for 5 years. Like most addicts she has been to jail,
rehab several times and hospitalized for overdosed and to detox.
Recently after 30 days in rehab within 24 hours of returning back home to her boyfriend (also an addict) who had just completed rehab, both have relapsed.
Her phone has been shut off and I have had no communication with her in over 18 days.
She has never isolated me from her life, know bad how her addiction has gotten.
The Al Anon meeting are just not feeling the void of fear and guilt. Please give me any advise you can.
Cindy

bzgma
9:33 pm October 6th, 2013

just found this blog………wish I found it years ago, it is so hard for us to understand all the horrible consequences of being parents, childern, siblings, spouse of an addict. We love them, they love us and yet look at the havoc in our lives….so many possible causes or reasons…I have a 30 year old son who just cant stay out of jail, prison. He does his time, finds Jesus, stays clean for even years and yet never cuts the ties to his “former”life. He gets out and goes right back to the mindless life of an addict, alcholic and gets back in to trouble with the law….why cant he learn? Two years ago he went to prison and left an pregnant woman behind. This addict woman tried to kill the baby with her drugs and drinking until she found a resource to try to sell the baby….I went thru hell trying to save the child. Now I am raising a toddler all on my own and my son is back in prison. So what hope is there when the drugs and drinking is more compelling that this little boy..

gayle
3:50 pm October 8th, 2013

To Cindy…My heart goes out to you. I do know what you are going through. I have been there. I do know what it feels like to go to a meeting and still feel the emptiness and fear, but I would keep going. It took me a while to get myself to go. I tried different meetings until I found one that happens to be an al-non meeting that is for parents and that has been a blessing because as parents, there are many different layers of emotions that we feel. If you can’t find a parents al-anon meeting, keep going and try to connect with the ones that are parents. And keep reaching out here! I am struggling just like you. I have my good days and bad. I have days when I fall back into desperation in trying to save my daughter, and I have days when I am strong and know I am not in control and I give it over to God. We all are in this boat together. For me…just writing about the pain and craziness of being a parent of an addict is healing, and reading the posts of other parents helps me to gain perspective and realize that I’m not alone. It really is a different life when your child is an addict and it is good to surround yourself with people who understand.

Shari Locke
4:25 pm October 8th, 2013

Gayle…Your story is so similar to mine. I remember spending 3 nights in the hospital with my daughter caressing her head and crying. It is now 3 months later and she has relapsed again. I do know that God is in control.
Cindy…I understand about Al Anon not feeling the void I have the same experience. I have no answers. I do tell my daughter that I love her, I believe in her (sometimes I don’t) and I try very very hard to remain positive!

Deb
12:02 am October 13th, 2013

As I read this-I too have a 33 year old addicted son-for the past 17 years he has been off and on in rehab. I finally have said no more-I have taken up for him while he has stolen from us -kicked him out of the house today. Found needle in his room-he started back with heroin which will eventually kill him. He comes from a loving very close family. We have all tried everything. Now it is up to him and God. I can no longer help him. It is so hard to finally face the fact that we cannot help our children unless they want it. What kind of demons they must be facing. what is so sad…my Mom and Dad are in their 80’s and they might not see him healed. His brothers are married with families and homes-he is missing so much of life. He goes to court on Tuesday-please pray God puts him where he needs to be. Nothing else seems to work,.

Shari Locke
1:41 pm October 14th, 2013

Deb…I will pray for you, your son and your family.

leslie
8:37 pm October 14th, 2013

Deb,
You and your son will definetly be in my prayers. I know what a horrible feeling it is when you find needles un your kid’s things. All i kept thinking is how and where i went wrong. And then i found this blog. It has been a life saver for me. My 19 year old daughter has been clean for 81 days. every day i pray that she atays in the right track this time. I always have that fear that she will cross paths with an old friend who will peruase her back to drugs. But i also have faith and hope.

Lisa
11:48 pm October 15th, 2013

My 22 year old son is addicted to opiates. He recently spent 90 days in rehab and was sober for almost 6 months. He has relapsed and relapsed hard. Lortabs, Clonipin, Xanax, Meth and cocaine. And that’s just what I know of. His 6’5″ frame is frail and his face is covered in sores. My heart is broken and my life is consumed with fear, guilt, insomnia and an inability to focus or smile. I miss my child and I grieve for him! I would do ANYTHING to save him, but am slowly coming to the realization that I can’t . I feel so alone and feel like nobody can possibly understand my pain. But here I see that so many people do get it. I feel guilty because I silently and privately pray that his rock-bottom would just hurry and get here, even if it’s JAIL. At least in jail he is somewhat “safe”, sober, he’s eating, he’s got a bed and and a shower and toothbrush…all of which he does not care about right now. Right now..it’s all about the drugs. I’ll pray for you all…please pray for my baby boy. Thank you.

katie's mom
4:18 pm October 16th, 2013

I am the mother of 25 yr old alcoholic and drug addict. I believe that alcohol has now become her drug of choice due to availabliity. When she was growing up, she was thmost loving, sweet girl . I had 2 older sons and was single , so most of her life, it was she and I against the world.She was everything to me!! I am so so heartbroken to look at her now and wonder where my daugher went inside of that body that kind of looks like her. Her brothers, stepdad and I did an intervention when she was 21. It definitely was the ” elephant in the room” until my daughter in law said at Christmas ” anyone watch that show intervention?” Wow, we all noticed but no one was talking!! Anyway 6 rehabs later and 2 children born into her mess. It isn’t over!!! I never dreamed it would get this bad!!! My son has questioned whether the intervention was wrong. I assure him that we did what we thought was right. It surely wouldn’t have done any good to keep ignoring. it. She got sober for a while after the first time had a baby with an abusive man. That was a horrible toxic relationship with physical an emotional abuse. He now has custody of the 3 yr old and told her she can see him if whe will come alone and have intercourse. She relapsed,. She got back with the abuser after the second rehab and surprise,, the abuse started again and the subsequent rehab.Rehab again in another town. She did well, met a decnt guy and got pregnant. She was sobr and excited about the baby but 6 wks after he was born relapsed again. The dad had found a new girlfriend.. The spiral has speeded up tremendously since then. Rehab 2 more times, then a 3/4 house that she got kicked out of. Six weeks ago , went to a long term but just heard yesterday, she was caught trying to break into the offices an stole money from the counselors purse >( Of course she lies so much I think she believes her lies) ” She didn’t do it” I used to at least the person she would someitmes talk to you because she doesn’t lt anyony else into her life. She has had good people as friends but she slams the door on everyone.. She love her sponser she had just 4 months ago and now wont even talk to her. Her one friend she has left, called me and believes my daughter has a mental illness ( this friend is also a addict ,clean for 2 years)
I can no longer see any glimpse of the daughter I knew, She has disengaged. I didnt save her from eviction, or bills . I did take her to rehab and will help her a little if she is working on sobriety.It was her choice to go to the long term. The only time ( except this rehab) I saw her happy was while she was in rehab., She would thrive there but cannot funcrio in te real world. I know it isn’t my fault but I feel such guilt.I so think she has some mental illness as it runs in my family and there have been several suicides , but it is immpossible to get help or even evaluation. How do you distinquish if it is all due to addictons, or if there is an underlying mental illness diagnosis that is getting missed. A friend of mine went through this and it took nine years befoe they discovered her daughter has a borderline personality disorder aa a primary diagnosis and thery were finally able to deal with that. The substance abuse has declined.
I am grateful to find this blog! Al Anon has helped tremendously and counseling. I have a terrible time accepting that it is what it is. I love my daugter, I remember when I used to hope she would go to college—Now I just hope she stays alive!!

katie's mom
2:43 am October 17th, 2013

I just reread my note and wow– I needed to use spell check!! In the short time( sev hours) she JUST got back from the long term treatment and has already tried to steal her friends wallet and walked to the ” gas station”. Her friend that she is staying with — and I both believe she bought vodka already!!! Here we go again!! She is spinning such a fantasy tale for herself about where she really is.!!! She states ” of course i’m staying clean as she has vodka hidden in her purse”. I have GOT TO DETACH and quit hoping for anything.

JoniVee
4:38 pm October 24th, 2013

Hi, everyone! I just discovered this post and have read several of the comments. I need to tell you all – hang in there, take one day at a time and if there is life, there is hope. My son (a sweet kid with a heart of gold – like your children!) has been a heroine addict for almost three years. Things escalated this past summer when he contracted Lyme Disease and, through that, Bell’s Palsy. He was hospitalized for six days. While in the hospital, I discovered needles in his backpack and in his room (intuition is a real thing). His father and I had thought he was an intermittent drug user (which we know now is non-existent: you are either a drug user or not, there’s nothing intermittent about it) and had enabled him. We confronted him about his drug use and realized that it was much worse than we thought. As the summer progressed, we came to realize that he was actually a middle man between his so-called friends and dealers and was being rewarded by the dealers with “free” heroine. He was arrested once, but has been expunged due to community service. We started taking notice and things got so bad, that he attempted to commit suicide by overdosing. At one point, he told us he hated his life. I started making inquiries about rehab. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to do it or not – he was so afraid – and so were we. The bottom line is this: he went into rehab, de-toxed, was given Vivatrol, came home and is now 72 days clean. Keep in mind that he had to make the committment and he did. After 21 days of rehab, he was enrolled in Intense Out Patient treatment for six weeks, got another VIvatrol shot, got a full-time job and attends NA meetings EVERY NIGHT. His father and I have put a tracker in the car, monitor his cell phone usage, monitor his money (he is paying us back for the thousands of dollars he cost us) and helped him to get a job. It takes a lot of time and energy to keep track of a 22 year old, but he told us that he does not mind – he feels better, sleeps better, can think better and wants to show us that he can be the person we raised him to be. It helps that he has a boss at work that understands his past and is mentoring him. He has a sponsor as well. I know there is no guarantee that he will continue his sobriety and I worry every day, but so far so good. We know we are very lucky right now. None of us asked to have a drug addict in our family, but the fact remains that we have them. As parents, we just need to do our best for ourselves. I am praying for you all – those who have active addicts and those who have recovering addicts. Knowledge is power – reach out, find out – and you will help yourselves. God bless you all!

michelelf2
11:30 pm October 26th, 2013

Mari, “It’s like that old movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, our kids have been replaced by people we don’t even recognize anymore. How many lies and manipulations can we take? It just doesn’t seem fair sometimes, friends kids are going to college or getting their first jobs.” I feel the exact same way.

I share many of your stories, and am wondering what to do next. I was the first to turn my son in at the age of 16 when my son dropped out of school (where I teach) and began to threaten me. I was advised to press charges for communicating a threat, so I did. He was put on probation, but it didn’t do a thing. He just got meaner, so I made him move out at 17…He was pushing for it so he could live with his girlfriend. For several years they lived in various places, but never asked me for help, and I did not give it. I later found out that he had been convicted of felony drug charges, but was only put on probation. He only confessed this to me when he was facing other federal charges. He went to prison for 8 months and I let his “now” wife live with me. They were 22 at the time. Just before he got out, I helped her find an apartment and said I would pay for 3 months rent to give him time to get on his feet. She worked and had her own vehicle. I thought I was helping them get a new life started. haha It wasn’t long until they were both back on drugs, (I don’t know that she ever stopped, I just hadn’t seen the signs because we worked different hours) and he was in trouble again. She was arrested with him, but he took the plea and she got off. He got probation AGAIN, but had to serve 5 more months in Federal prison for probation violation. I took her to a 10-week nondenominational Free rehab, and she went to live with her relatives in Florida when she got out. I did go visit her a couple of times while she was there. She is like a daughter to me and I love her very much, too. When my son got out of prison, I picked him up from prison and her up from the airport. They weren’t home 3 months and everything fell apart again, only this time my sister’s family and I were included in the thieving. My son was arrested again for B&E, and talked my mom into bailing him out by promising to go to rehab. I sent my dtr-n-law back to Florida, and took my son to rehab. He was there for about 7 months and doing wonderfully. I was so proud of him; he was even mentoring newer residents. He came home in April, but had to turn himself in because the DA was charging him as an habitual felon. His lawyer said it would look better on him if he was out and working and doing well. So, I bailed him out for the 1st time. It wasn’t a high bond for some reason. He had just gotten out of rehab and looking so good; I wanted to give him a chance to prove himself. He got a job and was so proud of himself, but he ran into some old friends. Then his wife came back and the week of May 22nd, they left for a couple of days (evidently on a crime spree) and I found out they were arrested for B&E, and all the other charges that goes with it. Only this time in two NC counties and one SC. My son is still in the first jail and I am praying he will only get 7 years this time….My heart is broken, yet again. As for my dtr-n-law, this is the first time she has done jail time and she has now spent 6 months going through the first two counties and is now in SC. She is miserable and says she does NOT want to be this person and truly wants to change. The issue is, she has two years probation and needs to get out of jail to find a job and start paying restitution, but the SC jail system takes a lot longer to process through. She doesn’t even have her 1st appearance until Dec 19 and that is just a roll call court. The magistrate told me it could be over a year before she goes to trial. Her family is too poor to get her out and I want to bring her home so she can begin her probation. I have set it up for her to have free counseling once a week and she has agreed to that as well. I really think she means it. I am stepping out on faith and praying between me and the support I have in place for her, she will get strong so when my son finally gets out of jail she can be there for him. My family is not supporting me in this decision, but unbiased Christian friends believe it is the right thing to do. Please pray for us.

Joni
1:26 am October 27th, 2013

The top 10 truths are so painfully true. It has taken me 4 years of my daughter’s addiction journey to learn them. It has been real painful to cut my daughter off. Drug addiction has taken me down a journey that I wish on no one. I have learned to separate the disease from the person for myself and family’s survival. Drugs destroy not only the user but all who are connected to the user. I pray daily for my daughter. My prayer is that God takes her where he needs too, that she stays safe and he makes me strong enough to deal with the outcome and not try to change the plan.

kim
6:09 am October 29th, 2013

Hi all, I am the mother of a 32 year daughter that is a drug addict, at first I thought this was only happening to me, but let me tell you my eyes have been opened in the last several months. My daughter entered detox for her first time 4 months ago for opiate addiction, it was supposedly rapid detox, so not the truth!!!! At this time she lost custody of her daughter, went to jail on several driving offences, was bailed again and finally had her other 2 children taken away, has violated probation and is now in our county jail , I have learned today that she is doing opiates, crack and meth. I am letting her get her head clear in jail and talking with her probation officer to see if long term treatment is a possibility through court. It breaks my heart that she is in jail but I have come to terms that maybe I need to give her a big dose of tough love!!!! My heart and prayers to everyone on this post that is dealing with this!!! I was very pleased to find this post and so sad at the same time that there are so many parents experiencing this.

Kim
2:44 am October 30th, 2013

The top 10 truths is exactly what I needed to hear. My 24 year old son has been using since he was 13, it has been 11 years of tears, worry, sleepless nights, shame, guilt, anger, and so many more emotions. I am so tired of crying and I just want peace and joy in my life. Right when I thought I could give it to God and trust in his timing I find out my 20 year old is using and guess what, he has a child. I will put my trust in God. I will continue to read these stories so that I do not feel alone. There is a warfare going on and I know my Father in Heaven will win this battle.

Monica
9:10 pm November 4th, 2013

I will pass the top 10 truths to my mom. My 26 year old daughter is currently in jail for all the things you mentioned about your son being incarcerated for. She may be out on the streets as soon. My mom wants to buy her a bus ticket, if she is released, back to our hometown. I don’t feel that would be a good idea, but, also don’t want my daughter homeless. She has lost permanent custody of her two children, and married into a gang family just for the fun of it, I guess. Did not attend this wedding. So many lives affected. I feel she should not come here to harass her children and family. Does anyone have some useful words of wisdom? God bless.

Barbara
4:59 am November 6th, 2013

Choose Faith over Fear. Keep it simple. Practice the 12 steps even if your loved one (addict)isn’t. Stay in the moment and don’t worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Pray constantly and specifically. Hope for the best but always prepare for the worse. Breathe and walk away. Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. Don’t cross the invisible line of supporting your addict and enabling your addict. All these clichés that are now a daily if not hourly part of me. Forgive yourself for all the wrongs that addiction forced you into because of their lying and manipulation. My loved ones addiction has even taught me to lie and manipulate and I will no longer tolerate any of that. That is my biggest boundary. You have to fight the addiction as much as the addict does. We all get swept up in what I call the tornado..spinning and spinning and no way out. That is the insanity of it all. Nothing will ever change unless something/someone changes. Let the change begin with you. Do not allow the addiction to win. Because on this life long road of recovery there will probably be many pot holes…some deeper than others..but that unfortunately is part of recovery. Celebrate the sober times and remind your addicted loved one that they are capable of great things, have proven it through their times of sobriety, and have battled demons that only we have glimpses of and at times are loved ones have won that battle. Never give up hope. Do not give in to fear. This is my daily thought process. I love my addicted son. He is a beautiful human being that unfortunately has a disease. He is nineteen and I have accepted the fact that his sobriety is on shakey ground right now..but it is HIS sobriety. He knows what to do, he just has to want to do it. By the grace of God, I see changes and maturity in him that wasn’t there when he was in the throws of using. he has had a few quick set backs, but then he seems to pull himself out of it. I don’t know what his bottom is and neither does he. I guess if things go bad again, I expect it will be much worse than prior to getting sober, but it is up to him to decide when he is completely done with his drug of disaster. I only pray that he lives through it. Until then: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference, God Bless each and every one of you and all of your addicted loved ones. Addiction is a disease but unlike cancer it does not have to be a life sentence.

One More Mom
5:28 pm November 6th, 2013

One more mom here to join the group! Marijuana has stolen the peace in my family. Our two oldest sons use it. Our 18 year old has used it since he was 13. For a long time we didn’t know because of the lies and manipulation. In February he had SPECT scans showing that he has brain injuries. We think it was from playing football when he was 13. He claims he needs the MJ to stay calm and function. So, off and on we have enabled thinking that he would use less and less as we worked through his problems. Not so! It is now worse. He wants to use it daily, every hour. He becomes very aggressive if we don’t do what he demands. This is all very scary to me. But I have to not show my fear to him anymore and not do what he demands. As of today my husband (his dad) and I will not enable. I will keep you posted. God Bless all of you and let’s pray for each of us dealing with this horror.

ann
9:02 pm November 8th, 2013

Barbara,

Wow! You just really helped me out with your words. My son is 23 and on subs…weaning off and seems to be doing good, but ofcourse I worry every second of every day! Choice faith over fear, perfect! Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing, such words I needed to hear. I am a constant worry wart and its starting to take its toll on me. From now on I will say these things to myself. All your words are just perfect! Thankyou so much for sharing them. : 0 )

Barbara
7:25 pm November 12th, 2013

One More Mom…I will pray for you and the battle that I know all too well of enabling. It is easy to slip into the role that addiction has created for us. Take care of you. As long as we fix things, cover up things, and finance things, nothing will change. Why should it? The addiction is getting everything it needs. You don’t have to throw your son out, you can still support him in healthy ways, by seeking help for yourself and researching iops or rehabs and checking with insurance so that you have a plan in place when your addict is ready. Also attending Nar-anon meetings is a great support. Sometimes the drug use is just the symptom of the disease and when the drug takes hold our addict no longer knows how to cope with life so they use. In a good iop or rehab the addict will be evaluated and hopefully they will learn coping skills to deal with anxiety, depression and or any other mental health issue that may be going on. God Bless you and your family.

Laura
11:11 pm November 14th, 2013

Thank you so much for your post. My 25 year old son is recently been arrested again and is a heroin addict. I’m so fearful and it’s so helpful to know that I’m not alone in my fears and worries. I will keep a link to your post on my desktop. It will help me get through this. Blessings to your and your son. I hope his path remains clean and you both have the future you have dreamt of. Love

Barbara
3:59 am November 15th, 2013

Ann

I will pray for your son. I am happy that I am able to help. Stay in the moment and don’t panic. We are survivors and this too shall pass. When and if my son ever reaches his 1 year sobriety I have promised him I would get a tattoo. My first. It will definitely say “My Faith Is Greater Than My Fear”. I never wanted a tattoo before but now I’ve never wanted something more other than my son to be sober, happy and healthy. God Bless you and your son and never stop believing or hope. For whatever reason we are all going through this and something good has to come from it all.

One More Mom
6:17 pm November 17th, 2013

We gave in that same day that I posted we wouldn’t enable. It was horror. We got out of the grocery store. It was all “normal”. My husband was driving. I was in the passenger seat. My son in the back. He started yelling and saying that he could just throw himself in front of traffic if we didn’t help. My husband and I froze at the red light. It was so scary. My husband just drove to a dispensary and gave him all the coins that were in the car. My son got off and got a dose of marijuana “to calm down”. It has been pretty much that way since. My husband and I went to a priest. The priest said to give him love. And in the meanwhile to continue enabling but not more amounts than has been because we don’t know what can happen if we just suddenly stop. He wants us to try to have him go to talk to him. We made the appointment for him but we don’t think he went. This is very, very, stressful. He always asks for more and we don’t give more, so it gets ugly. It’s all very confusing because he has the mental issues and regular antipsychotics are supposed to be bad for him. We know this from a gene test that he had. So, that’s one reason he doesn’t want help from regular doctors and says that he can only have the natural stuff–marijuana. But marijuana can cause all these problems–I believe that is the cause. It’s not like he gets all that better with it. He wants more and more of it and sleeps a lot, can’t go to school or work or learn to drive–just sleep and hang out. He’s also out of touch with reality claiming that he is god the father, god the son, and also himself. But at the same time he seems to be manipulating us. How frustrating!!! God Bless, and thank you, Barbara. Will keep you posted.

Barbara
12:31 am November 18th, 2013

I have just found out that my 25 year old son is addicted to pills. My 29 year old son i incarcerated due to his addiction to heroin and I know that he wa intrumental ingettng my younger son into this nightmare. Ihave had everything of value in my home stolen, I have given him money and basically thougt that he was not the one doing it. I know tht th older one had stolen tings from me and his brother but could notface the fact that he too was doin this. He came clean to me today with the help of one of his friends that has gone through being addicted andgetting clean. His girlfriend didn’t understand and left him even though they had been together for 6 years. She said that she could not stand up and help him, so that has made everything worse. He has agreed to check into detox tomorrow and I am looking for a good rehab away from this bad environment and his friends. I have been a single mom for 10 years and his father is goingto stand behind him as well as his adopted brother to hlp him through this as we, as his support system, hope to be able to get him through this. My heart is breaking but I have to be strong for him and for myself. Does this pain ever get better?

One More Mom
12:50 am November 19th, 2013

I pray for you and your family, Barbara. I wish I could come up with a miracle solution to all this pain that we are all experiencing. I just can’t believe there is nothing to help us. Couldn’t our collective creativity and good intentions in the name of parental love come up with something brand new, effective, and wonderful to save us? As of this moment, we have the power of love and God’s grace to lean on. Hope we find solutions in the meanwhile.

barbara
4:27 am November 21st, 2013

One More Mom,
I hope this post finds you and your family having some peace. I see that there are a lot of Barbara’s on this post. I know all too well of the manipulation, horror, and fear of your child harming themselves. My faith temporiarily faltered and my fear kicked in and my son, 19, has recently relapsed and is now in detox. I went to see him tonight for a psychodrama family group session, only to find him very angry, sad and frustrated to find himself back to square one. The guilt, hopelessness, and shame compounds our addicted loved one with each relapse. I left right after the break, our break was not a peaceful one, to say the least. He was placing blame on me and everyone but himself, but the good news is that he stayed. It is heartbreaking to see your child so upset and feeding over the negative energy that they fill their minds with. I pray for him. I too am guilty of succumbing to the addict. The last couple of days I have been doing some soul searching and realized that when I help my son when I know he is using I am only allowing the addict in him to thrive no matter what all my good intentions are. When I finally am able to completely cut myself off from the addict then my son (the beautiful one) will have a better chance of survival. No wonder why my newly sober again son is angry. He has every right to be angry with me. I am co-dependent and sick as well. I can no longer obsess over whether he is using or not, whether he is going to meetings or not, whether he gets into trouble or not. With each relapse, I find myself writing my son’s obituary in my head. I have to stop letting the disease in. I understand that your son has the medical issues as well. That is hard. I don’t know if you or your husband know this but marijuana today is a lot stronger than the stuff they had when we were younger. Also, marijuana is not always pure, more times then not it can be laced with zanax or other drugs. I suggest doing a random drug test once in awhile to see if any other drugs show up positive. I am no expert, but there are no physical withdrawals from pure marijuana. But if you are going to fund his marijuana use then I would suggest you make him earn it. Mow the yard, vacuum, etc. The problem with our children today is their sense of entitlement and our tendency to overcompensate because of life’s hurts and trials. Life is tough why can’t they cope? They can’t cope because the disease wants to consume and kill them. I think when I can truly let go, take care of myself and protect myself and my finances my son will finally be able to start his road of recovery without his mama’s help. Tonight I made what I consider huge leaps when I walked away from my son, without a tear in my eye, and did not look back. Peace be with you!

One More Mom
8:22 pm November 21st, 2013

Peace be with you Barbara and all on this blog. I feel that my son is in some horrible stage where he may kill himself or us. We have told him that he should earn the money by doing chores. But when he wants the money it gets very ugly and I don’t even remember about chores anymore. He hardly does anything at home. It’s a sick cycle of terror, using, eating, sleeping, stress, using, eating, sleeping, and on and on. He won’t accept he has a problem that anything else can solve but marijuana. We have called the police a few times before this stage of using threats. Now he says that if we call the police it will be too late by the time they come because he will die. That is what paralyses me at the moment. My husband thinks that as long as we don’t feed the anger he will calm down. He only calms down with marijuana or if it’s the time of the night when the dispensaries are closed already. Everyday I pray that he will accept he is addicted and that he sees that he is just not functioning as a normal person, but it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen because we are not letting it happen. But I’m afraid of death tragedies. I just don’t know how to do this thing. So, if we don’t give money, he might kill before the police arrives. If police arrives before that, then he might get crazy with the police and what if they shoot him. I just don’t know how much I can take in tragedies. What if he kills me, I think of my 15 year old…I even think of my dogs. I wonder why there can’t be a peaceful solution. I was considering just giving him as much as he wants and see if he hits bottom. It sounds horrible but I’m desperate for something that will make him realize his addiction without causing a tragedy, Peace….

Karla
10:45 pm November 21st, 2013

My daughter is 33 and has been on drugs for over ten years. It is about to completely do me in and it has truly torn our whole family apart….I just don’t know what to do.

leslie
9:37 pm November 22nd, 2013

To One More Mom~ my daughter threatened suicide all the time. She’s a heroin addict. But i knew if she didnt get help she would die anyway like so many of her friends. It hurt me so much to have to call the cops but my husband and i were truly scared of her. She was extremely violent. Our pets would hide when she would start screaming, ranting, and raving. I finally had enough. She went into her room and i quietly called the cops and told them she was high, we were scared for our safety and she was threatening suicide. That did it. She had no clue they were coming until the cop knocked on her door. She started getting violent with them. It took 3 cops and 2 EMT’s to strap her on a gurney. They took her to a mental hospital with a 3 day hold. Those 3 days were the most calm and wonderful days we had had in a very long time. This wasnt her bottom though. But at least she was alive. Let me tell you, calling the cops for help is the first step to getting help for your son and the rest of your family. He is manipulating you and playing on your fear. I was there too. This blog has helped me gain my strengh. But just because something works for some of us, doesnt mean it will work for every one. My daughter has been clean for 125 days. She is back in school and has a job. I still worry every second of the day. But she’s alive and slowly coming back to being her self again. She is enrolled in drug court were they keep a very closd eye on her. Starts with group counseling 5 days a week. One on one twice a week and drug testing 4 days a week. She is in transition and going just 3 days a week and still testing 4. It’s been a life saver. My prayers are with you. I can feel your pain and desperation. Hang in there! With God’s help we can all get through these times.

barbara
5:39 am November 26th, 2013

One More Mom,
I know the fear of your child dying or killing/harming others all to well. I think they truly want to die because they hate the way they are living but don’t know a way out or are too scared to try. I finally got over the fear of what could happen and realized that doing absolutely nothing or removing myself from him when he was like that was the best thing I could ever do. I soon got over the fear of him harming me, and became afraid for him. I learned to recognize that there is a huge difference. I never had to call the police, but when there were moments of clarity I would explain to my son that I could not allow him to threaten to harm himself and if that was truly how he felt then he had one of two choices, go to the emergency room or I would commit him. I still have proof of his threats to take his own life saved on my texts messages and he knows that I will use that proof to save his life if I have too. He no longer threatens suicide because he knows that he will be committed. He now is able to talk to me rationally most of the time about his fears, sadness, guilt, anxieties and paranoia and yes, substance induced psychotic tendencies. As if I didn’t already know and witnessed that. All of which stems from substance abuse and with each relapse it gets worse. You and your husband have got to stop. If you don’t nothing will ever change. If you are frightened for your safety and your younger child’s then kick him out. I have made my son leave when he has threatened to harm other people. You have the right to feel safe in your own home. They call it Tough Love not because it is meant to be mean …it is because it is the hardest thing for us as parents to do. I learned something the other night in Psychodrama, which is family group counseling. The doctor there is a recovering addict with a son who is an active user and she has never relapsed, herself. She tells herself that “It is not my circus and not my monkies”. meaning there is nothing she can do about whether he uses or not. There is NOTHING that we can do to stop them from using. They have got to want to stop, they have got to suffer the consequences of their actions, and they have got to just become sick and tired of being sick and tired. My son just out of detox , again, is finally angry with himself and not others. He is sick of being sick and doing this to his body. He told me tonight that all he wants is to find happiness and that the only reason he is still on this earth is because he wants to live and not die. God Bless You all. Do what you have to do to make your lives as normal as possible and ignore his tantrums. Give yourselves a break, you are exhausted and nothing is changing. Do something different. Take on a hobby…I know you are thinking this woman is crazy…I’m not. They need to understand that you are going to get well whether they want to or not. Take care of you.

Karla
2:40 pm November 26th, 2013

My 33 daughter is going to her second rehab today. She got angry and walked out of the first one (which was court ordered). There is a warrant for her, but she says if she goes to this one and serves her time she won’t have to go to jail again. We have been on this “ride” for over ten years and I am so very tired of it all. She has stolen from us, lied to us and heaven knows what else. She has two children, her oldest son lives with his dad and her youngest daughter lives with her dad too. I have allowed her to almost break us financially and we have told her over and over again that there is no more money and she cannot live with us. I have prayed and prayed and I just hope that she gets things straightened out, because she is the only one that can do it.

Karla
2:43 pm November 26th, 2013

My question is, what do you do if your child does not have anywhere to live and it’s cold outside…. That just breaks my heart.

8:45 pm November 27th, 2013

Hi Karla. It might help to talk about your concerns with someone else that has experience. Have you tried Al-Anon or Narc-Anon as support groups? Have you spoken with an addiction family counselor or licensed psychologist who specializes in family therapy? These are good places to start to gather suggestions and direction. I pray that you and your child can find peace and harmony in this difficult time.

katies mom
3:32 pm December 4th, 2013

I just want to say thank you for this site. My roller coaster ride with my daughter continues. Don’t see the vodka use as much but believe she has switched to pills. The lies continue and she pretends everything is ” just fine”. I think I know the signs of her relapse coming better than she does. My goal right now is to do my best to ” let go and let God”.. I cannot take the stress of trying to figure out “what next” or waiting for that dreaded phone call. I have started turning my phone off at nights .I wish I could have hope and that this story would have a happy ending but I don’t even want to hope and be disappointed.

Linda
3:50 am January 16th, 2014

My 28 year old son has been using drugs for the past 13 years. I believe he has only been clean for 2 of those years. The past almost 2 years he has gone on to do heroin. It has been horrible and as I have researched, common behavior for a heroin addict. Lying, stealing, manipulating ……… all things coming from a sweet loving caring son. I don’t know if what I am doing now is right. My heart is breaking. I have not spoken to him in almost a week. If he comes over I will call the police and have him arrested for trespassing. He told me he wanted to get help and I have TRIED to help him all I can. But when he didn’t get the help he needs when he said he would, I had told him I would cut him out of my life. Two of my other children don’t speak to him and my other daughter is the only one that talks to him. She is getting all the guilt trips now………how no one will help him and how we don’t love him. That is so far from the truth. We love him so much. We just don’t want him to keep living his life as an addict. He has no job, little money and no place to stay. Now I find out his past girlfriend is pregnant. THAT I can deal with, but how can he be a father with his life such a mess. I want to know I am doing the right thing. I want to know what I can do…..if anything. I am so alone in this. My other children deserve better. I am such a mess….all I can do is sleep and force myself to go to work. I don’t want my son to die.

When Rock Bottom is Death
2:23 pm January 26th, 2014

“Blaming the parents,” written by “Angry Dude” is a classic response of the drug addict: to blame others for his behaviors. We also had a son who had developed a drug addiction. Looking back I realize that our son had been deceiving us for months before we finally figured out that we had a serious problem. In fact, all our children had been deceiving us because all of them had been using, sharing, helping, and providing for their younger brother. The siblings provided a role model of behavior, while at the same time providing a network of older friends that were also providing, sustaining, enabling, and urging him along. He created an identity for himself around drugs, with dreadlocks, tattoos, and piercings and became the cool dude with his peers.
A good friend once told me that “it’s easy to deceive the people who love you the most.” In other words, it is easy for our children to deceive us because we love them more than anything in the world. We need to trust and believe in them. But when the evidence becomes overwhelming we must face the sad reality that our children need the drugs more than they need us, and they are willing to do anything to get them. It becomes a matter of their survival over yours.
How long should you fight for their lives? In my opinion, until it hurts too much. After years of deception, theft, verbal abuse, suicidal threats, and chaos, we finally said, “enough is enough.” When we felt compelled to lock our bedroom doors at night out of fear, or to keep a weapon under our pillow in case he lost it in a drug induced rage……..in other words, when we moved from protecting our son to protecting ourselves, it was time to cut the apron string. The costs to our relationships, our relationship to ourselves, the relationship between us as spouses, our relationship to the rest of our children. and the the relationships between the children, were becoming too great. We hit our rock bottom.
Our son did not make it. By the time he was 22 he was a full blown junkee, a heroin addict, who was unable to survive. He went AWOL, alienating himself from all his friends and family. He hit rock bottom hit rock bottom and overdosed a few weeks ago.

gayle
5:51 pm January 27th, 2014

“When rock bottom is death”….I want to express my deepest and heartfelt sympathy in the loss of your son. I also want to Thank you for your sharing your story even in your time of grieving. It is the unfortunate reality of addiction that some will not hit their bottom and survive. I am in the process of accepting that in my heart, and your sharing is comforting to me. I have placed my daughter in God’s hands, I do not know what He has in mind for our lives, and I have stopped trying to control the outcome. I never had the control in the first place. I also have to put MY life in HIS hands.
God bless you and all your family. May your son be at peace and rest with our Lord.

Michele
9:46 pm January 27th, 2014

I am so sorry to hear about your son. You and your families are all in my prayers. My son is waiting to be tried and will be going to prison; we just don’t know for how long. My daughter-in-law just got arrested Friday night and will now be going to prison most likely. Watching both of them go down this road for the past eight years has been heart breaking. Our only consolation is that they do not have any children to suffer through this. Keep your head up and take one day at a time. Blessings

Suzanna Hess
7:06 pm January 29th, 2014

Our 23 year old son is in rehab for the 7th time and have been told that he is not following the program. He may get kicked out. We have been told that he needs to hit rock bottom. That is our biggest fear that his rock bottom may be death. That thought is so overwhelming for me!! It is so damn hard. I want my child well. I want him healthy.

Another Scared Parent
7:25 pm January 29th, 2014

My Son has been on a downward spiral for some time we have tried all the usual stuff with counseling, school help, anger management, Family counseling, all to find out that the entire time he was using some type of substance. First the defiance’s seemed to be adolescents and that is how it goes. The defiance’s got progressively worse and I seemed to only make matters worse every time I would call him on one of the bad choices like not listening to teachers, giving the police problems, Bad language in front of his younger siblings or disregard of house rules or just flat out disrespect to me, his mother or anyone. We went down this path for several months (seemed like years) until one of his close friends called and told us he is into things and he needs help. (I would like to really thank that Friend whether my son knows it or not He is a true friend unlike the ones he is with currently) We reached out and got help and after it was all said and done off to rehab he went. A year later he is now 17 and we are back at square one. Only now our tool box is less due to age. He has walked away from school and continues to be defiant. About one month ago he went to one of the counselors he saw in the past and expressed the need for help because he has done Heroin. They contacted us because of his age and things went completely downhill from that point. We have tried to get him to seek help and stay with school until the other week when we learned that he has been cutting school and finally just walked off. We were told due to his age they cannot do anything so now he will be officially dropped from school. I have confronted him on this issue only to get the “you do not know me and you do not rule me”. I informed him that living in this house is a privilege and driving our cars is one as well. Only to find out that he has been driving High for some time by his own words. I have finally told him that I cannot tolerate this and he is not welcome in our house while using drugs of any type. He has walked out to be with the friends that are on this same path. I have canceled his phone and other things only to find out they have been restarted by his mother. I understand her need to try and make sure he is safe, and wanting him to come home but the truth is that only he can make the decision to stop and get help. The hurtful truth that you as a parent cannot help is quite overwhelming and just down right hurts. I believe in my heart that he can accomplish good things and I truthfully wish he comes to the conclusion that he needs help but I cannot enable this anymore. I know his younger brother and sister are very distraught over the entire mess. Any way thank you all for listening I pray that you all find and have peace with your situations and I pray that all of our loved ones someday understand that we do love them and that they find their way before its to late. Thank you all

Suzanna
1:26 pm January 31st, 2014

To another scared parent – that sounds so much like our son. He is 17. You can get him into rehab involuntary I think. He needs help and the sooner the better. We found out when our son was 22. I knew something was wrong but my mind did not go to heroin. He is now in rehab for 7th time and still not following program. He is checking himself out because he wants to see his 5 year old daughter. My heart breaks for both but mainly her because children are the innocent victims. He admitted last night that only a month ago he was homicidal and suicidal. Our granddaughter is missing her dad and her mother is the one telling our son he needs to come home. She is not educated on the issue. The one thing a drug addict wants most is a cell phone. We will no longer help him get a cell phone. Good luck with your son.

Another Scared Parent
3:48 pm February 5th, 2014

Thank You, we are trying to use every tool available to us. Although it feels like we are fighting this with our hands tied behind our backs. We have reached out to every agency with in our state only to get the he does not qualify. I would like to know what does? But they don’t give you that information either. We can not have him arrested the only thing we can do is list him as a runaway and keep trying to get him to check himself in. The laws are really sketchy at best when it comes to this. God forbid you kick someone’s cat or dog and you’ll be arrested but when you have a child that is in need of help they seem to look the other way. It is so frustrating that you end up getting really depressed. We are still hopeful that he will finally come around and see that he needs help. One of his old friends sent a private massage that he knows he needs help and he has mentioned it several times on social media that he is going to go back to rehab. At this point we can only hope. You are so Correct about the cell phone. Every time I cut it off he finds a way to contact his mother who turns it back on. He continually uses the excuse that you will not be able to get ahold of me. But when it off he surely can get ahold of her. I am hopeful that all of us can find some hope I know just typing this out to you all helps me and gives me hope. Thank you all I truly hope all of our loved ones finds that one thing to help them recover and move on with LIFE.

When Rock Bottom is Death
6:16 pm February 13th, 2014

To Another Scared Parent
I understand that you might feel the need to expedite the process of bringing your son to rock bottom, but I also think it’s important to honor and respect the choices and needs of the mother. As a mother, I desperately need contact with my child……it is the umbilical cord that keeps us connected. Keeping the phone operational also offers an additional benefit of providing a way of contacting him for employment.
I also feel that notwithstanding that your perspective about parenting are different from the mother’s, I believe it is extremely important to express support for the choices of the Mother. For example, one way of handling this situation is to explain to him that given the importance of the phone as a means of communication, that you will support her decision. Children caught in the middle end up with their hearts torn into pieces. Molly

Another Scared Parent
4:13 pm February 19th, 2014

I hear you, but the fact is he is using the phone to sell and corrupt others on this no respect and an easy why to make money to support his own habit. My final straw was when two individuals showed up at my house searching for him because he sold they’re younger sister some. I have to worry about the safety of his younger siblings and us as well. I will not and cannot tolerate this from anyone including my own son. The other week he came home and said he was going to get help only to wash, eat, change cloths and slip out the back. His mother was so disappointed, which brings the whole house down. She tried repeatedly to get ahold of him with no answer. Yester day she told me she cut off his phone and it was not two hours later he contacted her asking for the phone to be turned back on. I applaud her decision not to turn it back on until he shows that he deserves to have the privilege. He will always have our love but we cannot walk him down the path he must choose the path and we can only hope it is the right one to get him the help that he so desperately needs

Struggle for Survival
2:49 pm February 21st, 2014

What my experience, coupled with the learning I have gained from these forums, is that living with an addict is complete anarchy. We are placed in the diabolical situation of struggling to protect the lives of those addicted while simultaneously protecting ourselves (family, siblings, friends, and even those we don’t know) from the behaviours of our drug addicted children. It’s like walking a tight wire because you know that every direction you move could potentially result in tragedy. The sad reality is that there is nothing that the addict will not do to get what he or she needs to survive. There in no moral or legal compass guiding their behaviour. Their desperation and compulsion keeps them alive. In fact, neuroscience research has demonstrated that it is virtually impossible for one to avoid addiction if one has this predisposition and is exposed to alcohol or drugs at some point in life, triggering a compulsion to use as strong as the compulsion to flee a from any threat to one’s life. Although innocently inherited, the addict will do anything to procure his/her tools for survival. And, as you are discovering, nothing you do or don’t do will change the outcome. Nor are you to blame. You can help provide the tools for change, the addict’s denial provides an overwhelmingly difficult barrier to overcome. An addict’s unwillingness to share information about his use create further barriers to treatment. Our son denied his drug use until he died. Even on his deathbed, in the presence of the Coroner, his drug addicted girlfriend denied that he used drugs. The fact that I can now wave the toxicology tests over his grave are of little consolation. And, after they are gone, there is nothing but the pain and bitterness of failure, and years of unrelenting grief and helplessness.

Suzanna
11:34 pm February 21st, 2014

To Another Scared Parent and Molly: This is all hard. None of it is easy. Our son got kicked out of rehab again. He is in Florida. We are in North Carolina. The first think he asked for was a cell phone. We said no and then he said he would steal a phone. He is using manipulation. His dad today bought him minutes for a track phone or something like that – he did not ask me first. He said he needed to communicate with our son since we are so far away. I don’t know if he did the right thing. I would not have done it. He may use it to get get drugs I don’t know. His dad does not know either. It puts a wedge between people when parents are not on the same page. As parents we try to do what is best and it is not always the best thing really but we do it out of love. He is in a halfway house. We have no idea if it is a good one. We are paying for it as he does not have a job. He just got kicked out last week. My son seems so callus that he does not care that he is tearing us apart or that he is causing problems between us. He only cares about himself. My husband will learn if this does not work out. I pray for peace one day and for a life that is worth living. Our life in the last year has not been worth living. We don’t enjoy the little things we used to enjoy but we are slowly trying to get there.

Michele
1:52 am February 26th, 2014

Struggle for Survival, Suzanna, & other parents

I have been going through this nightmare of a life for 7 years now watching my son’s life spiral out of control. Thank God he has been in jail now for 9 months and is clean again. He just got sentenced to 27-45 months with 9 months parole means he will do 18-36 if I am working it out correctly. I thank God for this sentence since it could have been much, much worse, but I also thank God for getting him off the streets where he is safer. I pray he will learn from this and make much better choices in the future.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all. It is so hard to live through this lifestyle.

Blessings

Michele

morgandonna
12:15 pm February 26th, 2014

i write as a grieving mother of a beautiful addicted daughter who lost her struggle with the demons of alchol and pills. Only 3 days ago i saw her for the last time before she was found dead in bed by a friend. Please take every chance you have to hug your child and tell them you love them. I know that we can not love addiction away for if we could this page would not exist.I do think that finding the grace to show love even when they have hurt you deeply is our only hope for peace of mind for ourselves. My girl was only 29 years old but had been using drugs since about 15 years of age like many parents I believed she woul grow out of expermenting with drugs.She just became better about covering up her use until she had lost everything and could not keep up the lies and false image any longer.If you suspect drug use get pro active and bring other things into their lives find the things that they would like to do and reward them with activities that they need to be sober for spend time with them and make it what THEY like not what you think is good for them.The book get your loved one sober alternatives to nagging pleading and threatening by robert j meyers is great.Ihate that many of you may feel this awful grief and loss but do not give up hope many do change their lives and remember that even if they can not they do love us.

Gayle
10:23 pm February 26th, 2014

To morgandonna,
I want to express my deepest most heartfelt sympathy for you. I said a prayer for you when I read your post. I could feel the love for your daughter in your words and I’m so sorry that you have to say goodbye…at least for now. I pray God is holding your beautiful daughter in His loving and healing arms and holding your heart with care and love. We never know what God has planned for us or our children. We just have to love, forgive, pray and hope. Even hope in the loss of a child that He can take our suffering and turn it around for the good. You have shown that in just the act of sharing your story in the very midst of your grieving there is still a life that we have to live as long as we are here on this earth. We are called to bear each others burdens.
My daughter is 21 and is a heroin addict with no sign of intention to stop at this point. I live with the fact that her chances of surviving this addiction are not very good at all. I don’t know what will be. I am just drawing closer to God.
I pray for God to bless you with peace, rest, comfort and healing.

Cindy
1:02 am February 28th, 2014

It’s so painful to watch these beautiful children suffer from this horrible demon. Two days ago my daughter lost her battle after over a year of soberity.

My daughter is 25 and has been in and out rehab and detox so many times that I have lost count. She was doing so well and lately just can’t seem to get bAck on track.

I have had to set tougher boundaries to protect myself being a single parent and she’s an only child her addiction as any of you can imagine has nearly destroyed me.

It has become increasingly more difficult to watch her and see that she herself know longer has the engergy to fight this horrible drug.

I believe she has hit her bottom and just has know energy or love for herself to keep going.
My heart breaks for all of us that are living through this each day and watching are loved ones.

Shame on anyone who would believe for a minute that if they could turn the clock back that they would ever choose this life. I promise you none of them ever thought for a moment that it was going to destroy them like this.

God bless us all

MDP
3:15 pm February 28th, 2014

My 27 yr old dtr is currently in prison in one state and will be transferred to another prison in another state. She has 3 felonies against her at this point. Addiction is truly the devil. I found her via a news clip posted about her arrest. Bi-polar disorder runs in my family. She has been in and out of treatment for 15 years. The emotional devastation is unreal. It has affected generations. Grandparents, parents, siblings, cousins, grandchildren, friends, acquaintances and innocent by-standers . She is branded with tattoos stating who she belongs to. Her beautiful skin is ruined. It is horrifying and terrifying. We just stay away. All we can do is hope and pray for her and protect ourselves. We do not give money or take phone calls anymore. My heart has been completely broken, but, I have to keep going forward. We cannot allow her to be around her siblings. So, we pray that she comes full circle and that we don’t have to bury her, although, sometimes it feels like she is already dead.

Lora
12:51 pm March 3rd, 2014

I’ve been up all night reading everyone’s posts. I started looking for helpful sites last night hoping to find answers to my questions. You all know nights like these when you can’t sleep because everything your child has said and done and everything you have said and done is repeatedly rolling over and over in your mind like the nightmare it is. Trying to do the RIGHT thing without anger or contempt. Robbing you of sleep once again. Playing out in different formats of maybe I should have said or done, or not said or not done until you just have to find a way to do something productive to make the nightmare stop….My daughter is 34. She has used some type of self medication since she was probably 15. In her teen years it was just marijuana or occasional alcohol. She got pregnant at 16 and stopped those all through her pregnancy until her baby was about a year old. She got her GED then started college immediately while working full time as a CNA in a nursing home. She had nearly 2 semesters of college before her high school class graduated. She was also a very competent mother to my grandson. I was extremely proud of her and she was proud of herself. During her CNA career she injured her back. This was probably in early ’97. Of course she was put off work and given pain meds for a few weeks. The doctor told her she should change jobs to avoid fuirther back injury. So she did. She stopped taking the pain meds without any problem and chose to be treated by a chiropractor. About 2 years later she started having leg and hip pain. She’d sometimes fall or trip because her legs went numb. After months of tests she was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Hoshimotos Disease. The treatment was Lortabs, muscle relaxers, anti imflammatories and thyroid meds. She couldn’t work, had to have help with housework and caring for her son. Eventually she went to work in a group home for developmentally disabled individuals. She worked hard and continued with college. Also about this time she started using meth. That ended after a few months when her boyfriend got arrested for meth possession and went to prison for 2 years. Of course she told everyone she had no idea he was into meth. That’s when the opiate abuse started. She’d take her months supply of Lortabs in just a few days then be buying them from anyone who had them to sell. By 2003 she had lost jobs, been evicted twice and at 24 was sleeping with a 16yr old. Still being a functional parent at this time except for not having a job.. I let her move in with me. I was recently divorced, working and loved caring for my grandson. That’s when I realized how serious her opiate abuse had become. She’d fall asleep smoking. So I taught my grandson how to get out a window and get help. She couldn’t wake up to make his food somedays. So I taught him at 4 yrs old how to safely use the microwave. Fortunately he was the ideal child, the type that always wanted to follow the rules. I watched as he learned to depend on her less and less. When I wasn’t working he was with me. When I was working I called to check on him constantly. All this time my daughter is denying her drug abuse, telling her son she is seriously sick, she has these diseases. I learned years later he was terrified she was dying. We lived in a small farming town where everyone knew everyone and kids could safely roam around town or play in the school yard. I worked just down the street in a convenience store so my grandson was in and out of the store frequently plus everyone in town kindly kept their eyes on the kids.I knew he was safe. My daughter met an ex con straight out of prison who somehow dazzled her with his stupidity. They moved out on their own and got married 6 months later. He was controlling at first then later abusive. I watched as my grandson got put on the back burner most days because his mother had to keep hubby happy. I tried to point this out several times but I was told to mind my own crappy life. Soon my daughter and hubby were continuously fighting, breaking up, going back together. They were both using all kinds of drugs. They caught their apartment on fire by passing out while cooking and my grandson, doing as I taught him, climbed out the window, got the firmen next door and saved them. He made the lfront page of the local newpaper. They got evicted. She would go stay nights someplace with husband leaving her son with me or other relatives. One night when my grandson was 10 he snuggled up to me and said, “Memaw I know Mom would rather be with Larry but it’s ok because I have you.” There were tears in his eyes. They divorced after 2 years, Thank God! Through the years my daughter has somehow continued her drug addiction without ever getting arrested. Has passed Social Services investigations including drug tests 6 times. Each time she’d test positive for marijuana but Social Services doesn’t think that’s a problem. She’s been evicted more times than I can count, moved in and out of my home more times than I can count and hasn’t worked in over 3 years. she taught my grandson it was ok to smoke pot. It can’t hurt you. He started smoking it and taking pills at 12. She always found a boyfriend to help support her in between living with me, until 2010 her luck ran out. She and her son were homeless. I had moved to a nearby town a couple years before this. I begged my grandson to come live with me. He wouldn’t, didn’t wanna leave his school and his friends. At this point he was 13 an above average student, never missed school., had his girlfriend living with him, she was 12. (Girlfriend later became pregnant at 14, miscarried at 8 weeks) He stayed at a friend’s house and my daughter stayed at one of her pill supplier’s homes. She eventually overdosed twice there. The second time she was begging to come live with me again but my grandson was refusing to live with her. Someone called Social Services, they forced my grandson to live with me. And of course daughter promised she was never going to abuse pills again. That was 2010. Three years of total chaos later they’re still living with me, she wound up near death in ICU due to kidney failure. I was on vacation in Florida. My grandson was at home with her but he had to work, his second girlfriend is pregnant. My daughter spent 2 weeks on life support, a month in the hospital. At this point she’s admitting to her years of addiction, she understands why her son doesn’t respect her, she knows how terribly she has hurt herself and everyone else in her life and she’s very willing to go to treatment. That was in December. Doctor’s now declare her disabled. She got a government susidized apartment, doesn’t have to pay rent, has filed for disability, promised everyone that her going to be a grandmother is all she needs to stay off the pills. “She is not having her grandchild grow up around drugs.”. At the baby shower last month I was told by 4 people that she had asked them for pills. One of them was her sister. I’ve had pills missing. The baby was born a week ago beautiful and healthy. Baby Mama is a good girl, no drugs or alcohol use ever. Baby Daddy hasn’t smoked pot in a few months, wants to be a perfect parent so far. Saturday the kids and baby are at my door upset because Baby Mama’s pain pills are missing. I stopped giving my daughter and grandson money years ago. I’ll only help my grandson with transportation when necessary and he’s always welcome to eat or sleep at my home. I only help my daughter with transportation to doctor’s appointments, grocery store,etc. I don’t know what to do. These kids need a chance to make a life without drugs or untrustworthy people around but I don’t want them living with me. Neither one are 18 yet, girlfriend turns 18 in May. They can live on their own then. My daughter’s addiction has ruined our family connections for years. I’ve begged her psychiatrist to order her into rehab. I think she has her psych convinced I’m trying to ruin her life. She’s told lies about me for years. I wish she’d get arrested so I could tell the judge of her history. I tried discussing her treatment options with her present boyfriend, who’s an improvement over her past ones, but he is convinced I want her to be in pain and just don’t understand why I’m treating her so badly. Why can’t he see I don’t want to plan a funeral for my child? ….. Writing all this isn’t going to solve the problems but it’s 7;30 am and I might be exhausted and drained enough to sleep now. If you’re reading this I appreciate finding a place to vent. I sympathize with all of you. Living this nightmare with our precious babies is unbearable. So I’ll once again give it up to my God and hope you can too. God Bless You All!

Marye
9:49 pm March 4th, 2014

My adult son has been addicted for many years to pain killers. He one day called me and begged me for help, I sold an retirement annuity and paid for him to go to detox, then let him come and live with me for about a month to recover, big mistake, He slowly stole and pawned all my jewelry pieces that were priceless when I wasn’t home, by the time I discovered them missing it was too late to recover them and he had moved back to his own house, when confronted he denied. I did call police and he was arrested, spent couple of months in jail, then released to rehab and probation. within a couple of months he broke probation by failing drug test and I had started to see signs in his personality, he becomes agitated, defensive. Well he was arrested I gave him money through the jail system so he had food other than jail food, he sent me emails telling me how sorry he was going to be a changed man.I bailed him out of his overdrawn cking acct , paid his car ins. Well the judge reinstated his probation home from jail one wk and I know he is using again, personality, has gone through his disability ck in a couple of days. This time I am taking advice and when he goes to jail again which I hate to say will happen I will not be sending him money, I will not bail him out of his overdrawn acct or pay his ins. His phone is on my plan I will be shutting it off. I have been told that I have only been enabling him now I have finally realized this is what I have been doing. Cannot do it anymore, I love him and pray he will learn and recover one day and I will then be here for him.

Why it's so easy to be deceived by the ones we love?
11:49 pm March 6th, 2014

So, why is it so easy to be deceived by the ones we love? The same reason it is so easy to buy into the stories our drug addicted children tell us. As long as we need their love more than we want their healing, we will continue to be deceived by their stories.
I remember an incident when my son was at the end of his thirteenth year, going from grade 8 into grade 9. When I confronted him about a hookah pipe I discovered in this knapsack, he reacted in desperation pleading me to believe that it was not his. He explained to me that a friend at school had begged him to put it in his back because he was terrified what his parents would do if they found it. He swore up and down that it wasn’t his and refused to tell me whose it was because he didn’t want to “fink out his friends,” a socially suicidal act. Well, being the good mother that I am i did the correct thing and called the principal expressing my concern that there was a “new student” who was using drugs at the school and told him the story about my son with the hookah pipe. Looking back at that story today, I realized that he must have laughed until he cried. Now that my son is dead and buried after overdosing a few months back, I can now see clearly the ways in which I was manipulated. I wanted so desperately to believe him that I did. The truth was just too painful. Fortunately, it didn’t take long for me to catch on. In retrospect, it frightens me to think about how long he had been deceiving me. If only I would have known………

Pamela Meyer describes lying as an agreement. There are two parties: the liar, and the person being lied to. Watch this fantastic version of Ted!

http://www.ted.com/talks/pamela_meyer_how_to_spot_a_liar

Marye
7:24 pm March 10th, 2014

why we are so easily manipulated, it is so true because we want to believe. I am past that stage I hope and I am 99% sure that my son is back on drugs judging by his behavior and stories I am hearing from my grandson about things he is doing. The 1% wants not to believe but I will not be manipulated and lied to again. God help him, because I cant and he needs to help himself. He is good at manipulating and has even learned how to beat the legal system and illegally pass drug tests, some of the methods sicken me. I have talked to his probation officer who said they will get him if not today, tomorrow or next wk he will slip up. I hope before he kills himself, I would rather see him in jail.

Another Mother
9:44 pm March 11th, 2014

I have three adult sons who are meth addicts. There was a time, not that long ago, that I was convinced they would all three die of overdoses. As of now, one son spent 3 months in jail and has been out of jail for 10 months. He and his wife and little girl have moved back together, they have a nice apartment, they both work full time and seem to be doing fine. My son is still under court ordered counseling and drug tests. When that is complete I hope he stays on this path and doesn’t fall into that nasty lifestyle again.
A second son has been clean for about 3 months. We put him in the behavioral unit at the hospital for 4 days, he got clean from the meth and is still clean. His previous employer hired him back under the condition that he would attend intensive outpatient drug rehab and submit to drug tests twice a week. They are amazing people to do this for my son. So far, so good.
The third son has 5 warrants out for his arrest and has not been caught yet. His goal in life is to be a rock star and continue with the lifestyle he’s become accustomed to for the past 15 years. His influence on his brothers scares me. He was primarily responsible for introducing the other two to the world of hell on earth. He is always kind to us, his family, when we see him but we don’t see him too often. I have helped him financially and with groceries in the past when I was fairly sure he was clean but now he’s surely using he knows that I won’t give him anything but kindness so he doesn’t ask.
When the first son was arrested I asked him what the most effective punishment would be for an addict and he told me that if they were to lose their phone that would inhibit their drug use significantly. I wish I’d known that many years ago when I was paying for their phones.
I hope this gives some of you hope. I never believed that two of my three sons would get off meth. I didn’t think it was possible considering the statistics I’ve read, but they have. I can’t say they will stay clean but it sure is nice to see them as they once were. They are happy and productive. I can hardly believe it. I know we can only thank God for this miracle. Our prayers are being heard. It didn’t happen in my time line but in His and maybe there is hope for our third son as well. I believe there is hope for your children – hang in there and try to be the light house they need to see. No matter how far out in tumultuous seas they get they will be looking back for you. You don’t have to come down to their level, in fact, they don’t really want you to. Be who you are and who they loved as a small child. Maybe someday they’ll long to come ‘home’ again.

Leslie
11:22 pm March 16th, 2014

So after almost 6 months if being clean, my daughter once again manged to destroy everything good she had created for herself. She was in an intensive outpatient program which required her to drug test 3 times a week, group sessions twice a week and a one on one counseling once a week. She was doing great!! Back in school and loving the new friendships she finding. Had a job she loved and things at home were wonderful. Then one day she met a guy a work, a customer, that somehow swept her off her feet. A month later she moved in with him. He has a 2 year old and a very nasty and jealous ex girlfriend. All this new life style brought her stress she didn’t need. We still thought she was doing good. This guy promised us he was making sure she completed the program. All lies, but we didn’t know this then. She moved back in after not being able to deal with his ex girl friend and his mother. 3 days later we could tell she was back to using heroin. Erratic and explosive behavior. Disrespectful and nasty. We found out she quit going to counseling and hadn’t drug tested in over a month. She was so violent one day, I called the cops. Because she quit the court ordered program, she already had a bench warrant. She’s in jail. Her 5th time in there. It breaks my heart. Our youngest child. She will have to be in there until May 5th. We’ve thought what we should do to help her get out of that terrible place but we know that is the best place for her right now. We were taking her phone calls and I went to visit her couple times. But she is so nasty and disrespectful still. I’m told it will take at least 30 days for the heroin to be out if her system and her emotions to level out. I hope and pray this is the last time she is in jail and that she will once and for all kick this terrible habit. I don’t want to have to plan her funeral. Thanks to all of you who share on this bog. It has been my sanity. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you who carry the burden of having your child be an addict. I hope to soon wake up from this horrific nightmare

Deborah
6:41 pm March 28th, 2014

I found great comfort in reading this entire blog today. My 22 year old son has been arrested for the 5th time. He lies so much to me I’m not even sure why this time. He was on 2 years probation for pointing a bee bee gun at a group of teenagers and holding them at gunpoint. All he had to do was live quietly, go to work, go to drug court and counseling and all his legal troubles were going to be gone. No – instead he rents an apartment with a pot head, lies to his parents, begs for money for “rent” when in fact he was funding a drug operation to sell pot. He and his roommate have now been caught, the plants were found, his probation is violated, he was kicked out of drug court so his orginal sentence will now apply. All this after thousands of dollars of fines, bail, fees, counseling co-pays, drug tests, laywers, to the tune of $11,000. When will it stop? This 22 year old grew up with sports, equipment, two divorced parents who loved him and despite their relationship issues – provided a home, support, love and the necessities he needed. He started hanging around potheads at 13 and drinking. His drinking progressed to the point of blacking out each party he went to. Blacking out and throwing up. His father said “boys will be boys”. Well the boy is now an alcoholic. He started smoking pot at 14, was found with it at school at 15, was suspended at 16 for selling it. He was finally thrown out of school and had to attend a troubled evening school to finish his senior year and graduate. After he graduated – he went on to smoking pot all day, partying with friends and barely working. He was put in jail for a weekend when he “staged a robbery” of his father’s house. We still don’t know the true story on that – drug debts we assume. The father had him arrested for punching a door. He got off that with $500 for bail and $2000 for a lawyer. He was then arrested one year later for dui – pot again in the middle of the afternoon. That bail was $1500 to get him out and another $3000 for a lawyer. $500 in court fees and surcharges. Shortly after, they got him again for chasing after a bunch of college boys and pulling a bee bee gun on them. Another $2500 in bail to get him out, and another $850 in court fees to get it reduced. He did 34 days in the county jail for that and was sentenced to drug court. He did great in drug court, did an entire year no messing up. Then he tangled with a girlfriend, lost 2 jobs, got evicted, found to be growing pot and living not where he was supposed to be living – a probation violation. All this and hundreds of dollars of counseling co-pays and drug testing ($2500 to be exact) rent money he needed, scamming me for more money every other week. (This I know is enabling him!) Just last week he asked me for $500 to use on “commissary when I turn myself in” – I gave him $300. What I didn’t know is he went to his grandparents for $200 – so now he has $500 and he didn’t turn himself in. They ended up issuing a warrant for his arrest today – I thought for just the probation violation – oh no – he lied and never told me he has been caught cultivating and selling pot now too. This now is a felony vs. a misdemeanor. I have decided I will not bail him out. He is 22, he has no job. He can get a public defender and wait in jail for his court date. Then when he is sentenced he can do his time. Someone told me this is bad – its going to be 3-5 years in a state prison. And last, I have his grandparents on the phone telling me . . . . “this is my fault, I need to bail him out, I have not been a mother to him, he is a GOOD BOY!” So I ask you – what to do. This son does not call me, does not with me a happy birthday, he ignores his younger brother and my husband. The only time he calls is when he needs money. He lies to me every call he ever does make to me when he does call for money. I struggle with the guilt that he has turned out this way – but I also get angry when I think these are his choices and I’ve helped all along the way everytime he got in trouble to get another chance. I am now $11,000+ in debt over him. When is the time to turn your back on your own child?

Struggle for Survival
11:41 am April 18th, 2014

Deborah,
As long as we buy into the belief that addiction is due to some moral failing that can be overcome by willpower, threats, bargaining, contracts, then we assume responsibility and guilt for the actions of our children. Addiction is a disease. Our children didn’t set out to destroy their lives. When they tell you they are clean or make other promises, they want to believe that. Denial is part of the illness. When I finally realized there was nothing more I could do, or any one could do to help him, I realized that it wasn’t him I was negotiating with. He was gone. In his place, was another human being that I did not know or want to know.
On the last day that I saw my son, he was visiting us on the pretext of coming to thank us for all that we had done for him. As he was leaving, I noticed he had two extra bags that I didn’t see when he arrived. I asked him to open them. They were full of all the things he had stolen from our house, only a week after we had completely helped him with a new apartment, rent, food, money, moving, etc. I was devastated. After that time, he never contacted us again and cut off ties with his entire family, mother, stepfather, father, stepmother, and four brothers and sisters, and all his friends, moving in with a drug addicted woman. He disconnected his phone, his email, and we had no idea how to reach him.
But nor did I want to. By this time he had totally destroyed all our trust in him. We knew there was nothing to do but wait. By this time I had lost all hope. I never believed I would ever see him alive again.
In fact, even after he died, he were only notified because his official next of kin could not afford to dispose of his body. Had our contact information not been recorded in his police profile (in our constant attempts to locate him), we would never have been notified that he had died at all. By the time the police had contacted us, the Coroner’s office had already done their autopsy, and they recommended that we not identify him, but accept the identification process that had already taken place. It was a brutal ending. The most painful moment in all of this was signing the permission papers for the cremation process, for the very little baby that I had given birth to, only 22 years earlier. The truth is that we lost him at 14 years old. The addiction process had already taken over his brain. There was no solution 8 years ago when that process started. Who knows what bizarre effects the mixture of all these substances have on a developing brain? No one knows and no one knows how to stop the process. You can throw all kinds of money at treatment centres, assuming of course you have a willing participant, but one trigger when they get out, and they can be back where they started in a heartbeat, as Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death has evidenced.
Amidst all the shame and stigma associated with drug use and addiction, its difficult to stand back and recognize that you did not give your child this disease, any more than any other parent gave their child cancer, diabetes, or any other life threatening illness. Our children are victim’s of the times, the unfortunate consequence of politics, war, the reckless and negligent prescription writing practices (predominantly of older male physicians), and a burgeoning underground economy of narcotics that is filling the opioid void as the governing medical bodies struggle to stop the carnage that they have created. You are not responsible. You are a victim of the times.

Marye
2:10 am April 27th, 2014

My son is an adult addicted to pain killers, stole precious valuable jewelry from me after I took a loan to pay for him to go to detox. He was arrested was released on probation with 3 mos or inhouse rehab and random drug testing, he remained drug free about one month failed drug test and arrested, He overdrew on his bank acct (he is on Disability SS for back injury) I covered that, I repaid amscott and other bills he ran, he was reinstated with probation, with random drug tests and court appointed counseling, well I knew he was back on drugs within two wks after his release he naturally denied it, manipulated the system where he passed drug test, well it has caught up with him, I received a letter today from state atty that he has violated his probation, telephone call to state atty told me he failed 2 drug tests and has not been attending counseling also found out he was attending the AA meetings and forging their signatures. There is a warrant out for his arrest. He has again depleted his bank acct and has hocked several items including his TV and has not paid his bills, this time I will not pay off his debts, I cannot keep enabling him he will have to face the consequences of his actions. I am not a young person and all this stress is having affects on me. My other children have told me I need to let go and let him hit rock bottom and I finally believe they are right, it will be tough but I have to be strong. I will have a sigh of relief when he is arrested because than I will at least know he will be drug free and not worry about him overdosing. Thanks all for letting me vent, it helps.

Maggie
8:13 pm April 28th, 2014

How do I get to the point of not enabling? My son is 45 years old, and has been abusing prescription drugs for 5 years. I have gone through hell trying to help him. He has lied, stolen, lost any relationship with his sons, brother, relatives and friends. I’m all he has left. I found my husband dead 7 years ago. He had a heart attack and died in his sleep. I can’t imagine finding my son dead, or receiving that news. I just left him at the house he is staying at, refused to give him a ride, because he wasn’t sober. Hardest thing ever, and 1st time I’ve done that. Now I’m full of guilt. I know that I can’t insure his safety, but confronting him is breaking my heart. Does it get easier? Where do I get help? I feel broken.

Marye
2:56 am May 2nd, 2014

well since my last post my son has been arrested for violation of probation. He has pawned his computer which w’t’as his baby and tv, he was considering pawning his truck but never did He is now calling and saying he is a piece of sh** states he does not even like himself. He might be facing prison time. He admits he has a serious problem and he feels he needs long time rehab which I agree but cannot afford it and now it is out of my hands. I swore I would not accept phone calls and noT give him jail pay but have this terrible guilt if I don’t. part of me is relieved he is in jail, at least I know he is not on drugs . But God help me I have having a hard time with this and I feel I have lost my son.

Troubled
7:24 am May 2nd, 2014

I’m so relieved to find this blog. I was feeling so alone. People say that they understand, but if they’ve never dealt with this it’s impossible. There is a feeling with this that you can’t put into words. My son is 24 yrs old. He’s been in and out of jail for the past 7 years. I thought that he was trying to fit in with the bad company he kept. Well, I soon found out that he was exactly like them. I thought that he was using drugs. I soon found out that the drugs were using him. He’s stolen from my son, and myself. We’ve bailed him out of jail often. Then, he robbed the company that he worked for. All on video mind you. By this time, I was tired. This last time he was placed on probation. We went to court to talk to the judge for this purpose. He stated that he was ready to live right. He has a son that I just adore. His ex decided not to let any of us see the baby anymore. She’s been arrested a few times too. My son was arrested while on probation for theft. He missed his probation app. I took him to court and waited in the parking lot for him. He came out, and said that they were going to reset the date. Well, he finally went and turned himself in to his probation officer. He’s now locked up. My other son went to get his phone frone the probation officer. I was able to get into his messages. I thought that I was reading a crime novel. He’s been lying since he’s been out. He called me once, and he was asking me to put money into his account. He did work the whole time so I used his money. He was playing that innocent role again then I silenced him. I told him that I’d go often into his phone. He was speechless. He told me that he had to go, and that he loved me. He’s always said that he loved me, but he stopped showing it. His dad , and I are separated. We’re in different states. My middle son is in the military, and I told him that I wanted to kick my son out once he’s out of jail or prison. He doesn’t want me to. He says that he is stupid, and would be found dead on the street. But, the child that I gave birth to has fallen for another god. The God that he once served had been replaced. I’m going to fight for him, but I have got to fight for me too. He matters to me, but I no longer matter to him. I haven’t disclosed the name of the drugs baca use there are a variety of them mostly prescription drugs. I used to hold my phone waiting for his calls from jail. Always afraid of what he might tell me. Now, I don’t even answer all of his calls. I been in the gutter with this son of mine. My husband and I still have a very good friendship. I haven’t told anyone about some of the horrible things I’ve been through with him. I don’t have a solution to this madness, but after reading those messages, I have great insight into the person I call my son. I now know what I’m really dealing with. You’ll never here it out of their mouths. They lie about lying. I’m no longer horrified of him going to jail. I’m like most of you, better there than on the street. One more thing. I work with police officers, and it had to set there while they flashed my son, and his friend’s face across the television. His father, and I both are in law forcemeat. The judge told us not to blame ourselves. His father, and I are both very present in his life ad always. I’m now working towards the road of recovery. I need to recover from years of mental anguish, lots of betrayal, and the kidnapping of my son (by means of drugs). I just hope that one day he’ll be set free! Until then, may God bless all of us and all of them. Thank you all for sharing!

Leslie
9:54 pm May 3rd, 2014

Reading posts as I sit waiting to visit my daughter in jail. Yeah, my 19 year old in jail due to drugs. She’s been here almost 90 days. She gets out on Mother’s Day and my husband and I are very nervous. We hope and pray this is the last time we go through this. It doesn’t get any easier. This heroin addiction took my daughter’s best 5 years of her life. We’ve gone through so much! But I thank God she is I’m jail rather than dead from an overdose.

Anita Petts
12:18 pm May 14th, 2014

All I can say, is that you must set boundaries. If you don’t, both you and your child will suffer. You will become a codependent and no matter what you do, it won’t help your child. Remember your child has made choices and as a result, there are consequences. You can’t change that!

Shari Locke
3:06 pm May 14th, 2014

I was curious about an update on your (Francis Rivers) son. You posted in 2010 and at that time he was incarcerated. Just wondering how your doing and how he is doing.

karla
4:34 pm May 15th, 2014

My 31 year old daughter has been fighting a meth addiction for approximately 10 years. She had been in re-hab and seemed to be doing so well. They then let her transfer to an Oxford House and I helped her find a job and everything was great….Well, she walked out of her job after a week and apparently started using again because she had a dirty UA at the Oxford house. The former were all terms of her probation, which she has now violated. She will be going back to jail. I sometimes think this will never end. I told her that I was done playing this game with her because I cannot continue to do it emotionally or financially. She has just got to dig herself out of this horrible hole on her own. That sounds so uncaring to me, but I have absolutely tried everything else. I will always love her with all of my heart!

Korey
3:08 am May 22nd, 2014

Thank you for sharing parts of your story. I believe my 19 year old son is in the beginning stages of addiction. I am scared for him…but I am trying to get to the point of letting him hit rock bottom..it’s hard

Waiting for Rock Bottom is a Death Sentence
1:06 pm May 23rd, 2014

Korey,, are you familiar with Dave Sheff’s book, Beautiful Boy. His position is that waiting for an addict to hit bottom is a death sentence.” We lost our son a few months ago, waiting for him to hit rock bottom. The problem with that theory is that it ignores one of the most defence mechanisms: denial. The rewiring of the brain tells the addict distorts their ability to reason, judge, anticipate, and alters the ability to evaluate the cost/benefit ratio of the substance of behaviour. Emotions become distorted causing the addict to deceive themselves about how bad things are.
In other words, the addict loses the capacity to make reasoned decisions. It is reasonably foreseeable that given this reality, the addict will hit rock bottom without realizing he is anywhere near death’s doors, as our son did.
I am starting to question the legitimacy of having the addict declared incompetent to force the into treatment before the disease has taken hold. What do others feel about this?

Marye
3:57 pm May 23rd, 2014

My son is presently incarcerated for violation of his Probation, He failed drug test plus failed to go to counseling he was sentenced to do, This is his second violation of probation and his arraignment date is set for June 5, Have no clue where it go this time. Probation and random drug testing not working, He has put himself in a horrible financial state, I had in the past pulled him out but can no longer do it financially. Its a mess. I cannot afford private rehab for him and he needs long term rehab. to get the help he needs. I have called the Salvation Army who have a wonderful program and have written the judge presiding over his case asking no begging her to court order the Salvation army which would put him on top of the list. I am praying that this will happen because I think it is his last chance. I agree with Karla statement that I am done playing this game, cannot do it emotionally or financially anymore. I am not a young woman and this has aged me considerably. I pray every day and night that this will finally be the beginning of a new life for him, but it is up to him and whether the judge is willing to order it.

morgan
4:08 pm May 23rd, 2014

As a mother who lost my daughter to addiction I have to say that rock bottom is a death sentence.This has got to be the stupidest theroy for treatment ever. When a person is diganosed with any other disease do we use this rational about treatment,no medical help is offered in a way that the patient can become comfortable with and educated about how to live with their disease.Yes sometimes they do not follow medical advice and die also but we do not put moral judgement so heavily on those people as we do addicts.All current drug treatment methods regardless of how the addict gets into it have the same sucess and relaspe rates.If you have a child in your home using drugs read the book get you loved one sober by Robert J Meyers. Iwish I had this advice when my daughter was a teenager maybe she could surived the disease.When will people of this country stand up for equal treatment and proven results for their loved ones?Stop blaming yourself or other influences and accept that this is a disease and no one choices it,it is progressive and will get worse when nothing is done.That requires you to do anything in your power to find a treatment option that will work for your addict. As with any person realize that all your effort may not work but at least you can know you did what you could,ultimately it is an addicts responsibility to get well but most need treatment and an extended sobriety to realize it.I pray for every parent out there and the children also that there will be a natonal effort to end this epidemic.

Peggy
11:36 pm May 27th, 2014

As I sit here reading these posts, my meth-addict grandson is out on the deck talking to someone on his cell phone. Today he lost his job. Why? Because he’s down the rabbit hole, yet again… It got really bad back in December and we sat down and had a heart-to-heart and I told him that he had until the end of January to get into a treatment program or he couldn’t live here anymore. He did it – went through treatment – was actually clean for two whole months and I saw glimpses of my grandson. Then he found a job and went back down the rabbit hole after about two weeks. I am so incredibly tired… He’s not a child – he will be 28 in September. At this point, as much as I love him and want to encourage him to pick himself up and try again, I also want to tell him to leave. I am in my 60’s and want to be planning for retirement. I also want off the roller coaster because, at least for today, I feel like I just can’t deal with the ups and downs and twists and turns anymore. I’m tired of giving… housing and shelter, money, transportation, all of it… but most of all… I’m tired of giving emotionally. I’m tired of going to sleep wondering where he is and if he’s okay, tired of going to work trying to focus on my job and wondering what he’s doing and what the mood will be when I get home from work, tired of planning meals and shopping for groceries only to find out he “isn’t hungry” this week, tired of deciding not to plan meals only to find out that he’s starving because he’s climbing out of the hole this week, tired of cleaning up the tweaky messes around the house… Okay… maybe I’m just tired and the sun will actually come out again tomorrow…

keelyn
3:05 pm May 28th, 2014

“Waiting for Rock Bottom” and Morgan said it perfectly, thank you for your sad, heartfelt words. You endure the worst pain. I had posted here awhile ago and asked if anyone who lost someone could comment on “to let go or not” and you have addressed that, unfortunately. I am so sorry. I’ve felt guilty about enabling my son. I tried hard not to but it didn’t feel right and I couldn’t do it, it went against my whole being. Your words make me feel better about the whole “tough love” conflict which so many therapists push and push. I just couldn’t do it and I’ve wondered at times, if i am too weak or soft. At one point his dad wanted to give him a couple month’s rent and then he’d be on his own. That would have been like putting a 10 year old out on the street. Yes, how can an addict whose brain receptors have been impaired and frazzled, be left to make life decisions and choices and survive? My son’s in sober living now. Was clean for 8 mos and the relapsed 3 times in 2 months. He’s still in sober living but is heavily monitored now. He hasn’t been home in over a year and he can never live here again. He told me something that I never heard before. Each time he relapsed, he was given consequences which became more serious with each relapse. My son told me the burden and pressure of the consequences can cause relapse. The addict is so overwhelmed by what will happen if he uses, that he uses to escape from thinking about it. Has anyone ever heard of this? A consequence being the cause of relapse? He said it’s talked about in meetings and it’s well known among addicts. i have gone to countless meetings, read books, webs, talked to counselors, therapists but never knew this. Once again, I am so sorry for you who have felt the ultimate loss from this hideous disease.

Powerless, helpless, and lonely
12:18 pm May 30th, 2014

Keelyn, don’t be too hard on yourself. Have you seen the series “House.” It’s about a brilliant doctor who develops an addiction.It’s really helped me understand that an addict will say and do anything to get drugs and there is nothing, absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop this from happening. There is nothing positive about addiction. I have never looked back (granted it’s only been 7 months since our son overdosed and died), and said, “Oh, well there were some wonderful life lessons I gained along the way.” There was nothing positive in the experience.
I also wanted to comment on the extreme loneliness of this journey. In the beginning stages of addiction of a child, no parent really knows what is happening. Behaviours that are equally consistent with those of common adolescent “acting out,” are difficult to differentiate from behaviours that evidence addiction. Denial by the family is a common manifestation in these early stages as they attempt to manage the problem on their own. When I went through this journey there was no one willing to discuss the substance abuse issues their children were having because they were doing what everyone does, trying to manage the problem before anyone else found out. Interestingly, at one point along this journey after I installed a key stroke software on my son’s computer so we could really monitor what was going on, I discovered that all his friends were dealing and using. So, I did what I thought every good mother should do and I called some of the parents of these friends to let them know what I had learned. To my shock their response was consistently, “we heard your son has a problem but our son is honest with us. We know he doesn’t use drugs.” WOW!
Our next course of action was to contact our local drug treatment centre. We couldn’t get our son in for diagnosis and treatment. He was in denial. So, they wanted to get us in for treatment. In case you didn’t know the statistics show that 1 out of 4 kids with addictions have a family member with a substance abuse problem. Their objective was to treat the parent with the addiction, of which we didn’t have. We felt resentful of their attempts to direct treatment towards us. We also felt suspicion about our role as parents with everyone whom we tried to speak with. And, even if we were successful in finding someone for our son to speak with, the rules of confidentiality were always used against us preventing us access to the information that as parents we might have used to protect him.
As every parent knows, adolescent boys don’t talk to their parents. As every mother in this forum knows, they aren’t going to voluntarily sign up for treatment. The reason we keep sustaining them (or “enabling them: as the blaming and shaming would like to say) is because we justifiably believe that they won’t survive without us. And who wants the blood of your own child on your hands?
It’s really a diabolical situation: First, unless they threaten to commit suicide we have no power to commit them to a psychiatric ward because death is not “imminent.” Even though death is likely, highly probable, and almost certain once the addiction process has taken hold, we are powerless over our children. Secondly, all of the helping agencies can’t help us at all, and instead deny us the information we need to help our kids. Finally, even if you are fortunate enough to have a treatment centre available to you, you can’t force your child into treatment against their will.
Powerless, helpless, and lonely is how every parent feels along this path. My heart goes out to all of you.

Elizabeth
12:55 pm May 31st, 2014

Keelyn, I am so sorry to hear about your son. I am praying that this time will be “the charm” for him My daughter has been clean for 1 year and 5 months now (yes, we count, don’t we?) and I actually asked her about your question concerning consequences and relapse. She tells me no, it is not true; simply an excuse that she has heard from other addicts as well. She feels it is simply a case of not taking full responsibility for the addiction. I just wanted you to know her opinion, coming from one who has been there. There is always hope- at one point I really thought our daughter was lost to us. Just holding our breath that this will last and she will not relapse. My thoughts are with you both.

keelyn
2:48 pm June 3rd, 2014

Elizabeth, thank you so much for your words. It means so much to have someone thinking of my son and myself, someone who has been down the same road and knows just how I feel. This sharing of information and bond we all have is something I looked for in meetings and sessions and lectures but I only found it here. I am so happy for your daughter and you and I pray that she will stay strong and clean. I was hoping my son’s explanation for using was legit, once again I wanted so much to believe in a concrete reason he relapsed, something I could wrap my head around and understand. My daughter said he’s trying to manipulate me but my x pays for all my son’s rehab, sober living, therapy, etc and I have no say in anything. He has complete control and decides all the consequences, I would never even bring in my opinion, it might make things worse. I’ve been thinking that addicts use because they’re addicts, simple as that. Maybe that’s not why they first started but it’s what it becomes. Part of their brain has been retooled, they get impulses and they respond without thinking about anything else. Im also thinking that the way out is through distance from the use. Every day clean is a penny in the mental bank for the receptors to heal and one more day away from the habit and toward living without. Therapy and trying to “get to the root” and the “why” can come later. Right now my son is a month clean. He said he is just concentrating on keeping clean–not thinking about his future or trying to reach his goals which he wants so badly. He said keeping busy is key at this point. One bit of info, my son was living in his current SL house. He would get rides to work from counselors and was drug tested 1-2 times a week. He got heroin by ordering it online, like you would on Amazon. The drugs would be delivered to him at work and then he would shoot up in his job’s bathroom. My son often gave me the line ” I deleted all my sources from my phone” or ” my source moved away so I can’t get any drugs.” So shocking to think it’s a click away to score and to think that addiction is so powerful, that someone will take a substance and put it into their vein not knowing where or who it came from. And he was drug tested so often, he was caught within days. So hard to comprehend. Again, Elizabeth, and everyone else, thank you for your support. You are all in my thoughts as well. God help us all.

Patty
12:52 am June 7th, 2014

My 26 year old son and his father (my ex husband) were arrested a few days ago on meth charges. My son has been struggling with alcohol and drug issues for over 10 years. The news posted his picture on the tv and his mug shot was in the newspaper. The shame and guilt of this is so overwhelming. How do you move forward? How do we live our lives in peace and let them go?

Moving Forward.............
11:16 am June 14th, 2014

Patty,
What is shameful is not that your son and ex-husband are both suffering from addiction, but the way our society treats addicts. What is criminal is not the behaviours of an addict who is struggling with a terrible disease, but a criminal justice system that treats the behaviours associated with the same as crimes. What is shameful is the failure of our society to provide the support, rehab, and support for opiate addiction that the “addict” so desperately needs. As long as we buy into the “stigmatization” and allow ourselves to be shamed and blamed, we feed into the system that is failing our children. Push the blame and shame right back across the table where it belongs. It’s not yours. Even if you gave birth to a child with a predisposition to addiction, you did not responsible for society’s problem with drugs, the war in Afghan, the increasing availability of drugs in our society, and the failure of our society to deal with the problem. Blaming the addict, or the parents of the addict, is wrong.
After losing our son to an overdose last fall, I think the best advice I can give is the serenity poem, to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The addict is not your son. The addict is someone who you have no control over. They will do anything to get what they need to survive. In a sense, they are not dissimilar to cannibals in their willingness to consume those around them, notwithstanding that they are their own blood and flesh.
There is no limit to the devastation that an addict will create in your life. If you don’t create the boundaries to protect yourself, they will destroy you, betray you, steal from you, manipulate others against you, and turn your world inside out. They will take every last cent of your wealth and are willing to jeopardize your reputation, and your emotional and physical security, as they become dealers to support their habits (with grow operations and meth labs for example).
Even if we saw our son walking down the street today, we would drive right on by. We would ever let that person back into our lives again. We said goodbye to our son many years ago. There was nothing we could do.
You are not to blame. The shame and guilt don’t belong to you.

cathy
4:13 pm June 22nd, 2014

I am the mother of a 40 year old drug addict. he lives over 2200 miles away, but we do text and talk on the phone daily. It’s the weekend and once again, he doped, is going to lose his room where he lives because he spent all of his money on dope. Surprisingly, he has a good paying job, but i see that ending if he keeps doing this. He stopped using for over 2 months, sounded very positive and actually almost caught up on his bills. Then he started again about a month ago. now he is threatening to kill himself and blames me for him not being able to do it. I have been enabling him financially but i see that i cannot help him by doing this. He attended a few NA meetings but i think he did it for me, not himself. He also has a car, has slept in it when he uses all his money for drugs. Now he says he will hang himself because he can’t live like this.

Kara's mom
3:15 am June 25th, 2014

I am so glad I found this!
My daughter has been having issues since she was 15- started hanging with the wrong crowd, left home to live with her addict father and has been on a steady downward spiral since then. She turns 18 in 10 days. I have been beside myself during the past 3 years, the ministry of children wouldn’t help, the law wouldn’t help- according to them- 15 is old enoughtfor her to make her own choices. Her father assaulted her on one of his binges, she had to come back home then, but ran away due to the boyfriend that came into her life, my story has so much more detail but the bottom line is that I need a place to vent, and get other opinions. Kara is a classic abuser, but denies everything, she lies like no tomorrow- she sold everything she had, and she is cutting her arms and is skinny and she just gets angry when I say I want to help her, I am beyond frustrated. It is sooo hard to let her go and mess up more, I am at my wits end and need advice on how to deal with her.

Molly
10:43 am July 4th, 2014

A Poem in Memory of our Son who would be 23 years old today:

I was so young on that first day
You knocked upon my door
Offering me something
I had never seen before

You took me up and let me see
A different side of reality.
When my spirit soared
And my heart was filled
With an angel’s love
Hitherto concealed from me.

The places that you took me,
And the good times that we shared
Induced me to believe
That you really cared.

You came in different packages
Wrapped up in pretty bows
But then suddenly abandoned me
And left me in my lows.

Desperate in my misery
Alone in my shame
I never really understood
Your silly little game.

Scheming with your lies,
Denial and deceit,
You pulled me in and left me
With the wolves at my feet.

I was lost and broken
I was far too hurt to cry
You clipped my young wings
Before I could fly.

You took away my family,
You stole away my friends,
I watched my body waste away
As my life came to an end.
You took me up

katies mom
11:09 pm July 17th, 2014

My daughter’s addiction is destroying me as well as her. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning anymore. 7 or rehabs , this time 5 months clean but right back at it. She had the best job she had ever gotten and why oh why does she deliberately destroy everything!!!! I can’t take anymore!!!

Tara
5:37 pm August 13th, 2014

My son is an addict. To the truths I would add “You will do things wrong, give yourself a break you did them for the right reasons.” THis is not an easy path, not one any of us would have chosen. In the 4 years I have travelled this journey I have come to a place of serenity and peace I never knew but also experienced depths of grief and pain I never knew existed. I have done so many things wrong, and each time I examine those things I realize I did them out of sheer love for my child. So I forgive myself and move on. I try better next time. I enable a little less, encourage a little more. For all of us on this journey, give yourself a break, we are fighting a monster that is ruthless and relentless, the stakes are too high to beat yourself up.

Shari
2:43 pm August 19th, 2014

Thank you Tara for your comment it reminds so much of the place I’m in with my daughter.

Marye
11:52 pm September 7th, 2014

My son has been incarcerated since April and is due to be released in 2 wks. He states he has learned a lesson but I have doubts. He has lost everything that mattered his computer his home, his SS checks stopped (he is disabled) so he is coming home with no income. I am very unsure of him coming to live with me until he starts receiving his checks again because last time he came to live with me he stole and pawned all my jewelry. But I can’t let him live on the streets. I plan on getting an application for him to hopefully go to the Salvation Army rehab program. I have been told it is an excellent 6 month program. A probation officer told me that the drugs are out of his system physically but takes a year to 18 months to get it out of your brain. I pray every day that this is going to be the start of a new life for him. He claims it is. but have heard this before. If he messes up again next step he has been told in Prison. I pray each day and night for him. This site is wonderful, has made me aware that I am not in this alone.

Kathy
12:12 am September 17th, 2014

I have been on the rollarcoaster ride of a meth addict for over 10 years. My son is 29 and a meth addict he has gone to the dream center this morning and I don’t know what to do. I have lived so long being afraid of my son and what is going to happend now I always gave into him out of fear I have tried and tried to get him clean it would work for awhile but the addiction was strong and always won in the end. I am happy he is at the dream center and I pray he stays and get the help he needs but in the family there are a lot of hurt hearts my sister is mad because I threw my son out last year and wouldn’t help him my dad is tired of the rollarcoaster I pray that my son ShAwn will stay and get the help he needs he looks like death he is skin and bones Jesus please help Shawn please thank you

Lisa
6:32 pm September 19th, 2014

My son got a Vivitrol shot (naltrexone) in rehab last summer. 7 months later he relapsed on one bag of heroin. He went for his Vivitrol shot and was surprised (?!) to learn he could not get his shot after using one bag. He thought you had to be using regularly. Long story short, he relapsed full blown. He met people at IOP and they all became drug buddies. This is like the millionth time he relapsed and I am suffering from such a deep depression, I got laid off from my job for “poor performance” because my mind was always on him or he would show up at my job looking like the poster child for a “junkie.” He tried to get meds from the doctors I work with, his PCP dropped him due to 3 failed drug tests. This summer he went back to start Vivitrol again. They did a “rapid detox” using buprophenine shots for 3 days and then 3 days later the vivitrol shot. He questioned the doctor saying that 3 days wasn’t long enough and was told it was. He was so sick, he had to be hospitalized for 5 days. Now he is severely depressed and thinks he is going thru PAWS (post-acute withdrawal). He won’t listen to me that this acute withdrawal. The post-acute will happen in about 6 months and he’ll have cravings despite the vivitrol. That’s what made him buy that one bag of H last summer 7 months after he started the vivitrol shots. The one thing he refuses to do is get a sponsor. HE’s into NA meetings now, but that will wear off right around the time the post-acute withdrawal begins. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Everything has to be locked in a safe or carried on me. Last time he managed to grab the car keys and remote starter (which I bought so he couldn’t steal my car in the early morning hours while I was still sleeping or after I went to bed to go buy heroin. He racked up so many possession charges, paraphernalia charges, violation of probation, that I have lost count. I go back and forth between compassion and hate. He is being emotionally abusive to me, but if I kick him out he says he will overdose when the vivitrol shot wears out and die. I love him like crazy and hate this stupid addiction. HE has told me he can’t believe he made such a stupid mistake one minute and then blames me for not warning him about heroin (I did when he was a freshman in high school). This is such hell, we are both so depressed that I am actually wishing for death for both of us except that I have 2 dogs that I rescued and would never put them back in a shelter. They are my only reason for living. I can barely take care of them, my son does literally nothing anymore. He lays in his bed all day, won’t call a therapist or a psychiatrist to help him. I’ve read on many posts that clonazepam helps with PAWS, but it needs to be prescribed of course. He looks awful, friends tell me I look like I’ve aged 10 years in the past year, and I’ve spent over $10,000.00 paying for lawyers and fines so the “wreckage of his past” can go away. All my retirement accounts have been cashed out to pay for his fines and lawyers. It as occurred to me that this is not going to end. I am a recovering alcoholic. I went to rehab 6.5 years ago and never relapsed. I went to AA meetings constantly for 5 years but don’t even go there anymore because people won’t stop asking how he is doing. Nar-Anon did nothing for me. I have a therapist now, but need a psychiatrist to prescribe effective antidepressant meds. I can’t let go of my son because he was born with a congenital condition and he’ll die from that if he doesn’t take his meds daily. Every time he goes thru withdrawal, he has to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. He’s had to take his emergency meds for that so often, his “Obamacare” won’t pay for it anymore. While death used to scare me, it now sounds so peaceful. This is pure hell. If I killed myself, my Catholic religion tells me I’ll go to hell if I commit suicide, but I am in a living hell that won’t go away. I’ve even offered to pay for a place for him to stay, but he is unnaturally attached to me at 28 and is afraid to leave home. He says he’ll die if he does. I thought parenting would end a decade ago, but it’s never going to end. I’ve modeled recovery for the past 6.5 years, went to meetings, got a sponsor and had to do a lot of things I really didn’t want to do, like get a sponsor, and do the 12 steps, etc. I didn’t like any of it. I didn’t think it would work for me, but it did. I don’t even know how. All I know is that you have to stick with it, shut up, and do as your told and it works. He only wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I know I can’t fix him, but since getting that vivitrol shot too soon and winding up so sick, he is angry, depressed, and repeatedly emotionally abuses me. I can’t even move to get away from him because he has ruined this house by punching walls, vomiting and urinating in his bedroom, and filling the garage and basement with trash. One time I got an insurance check for a garage fire and he stole all $10,000.00 of it. I had a flood in the basement and he stole all $7500.00 of that. I am broke and I am broken.

Elizabeth
1:05 pm October 6th, 2014

Im a single mom with 4 sons. My 19 year old has been addicted for several years. For most of this time i turned a blind eye to it. With no family in this state for support i felt i truely am all he has. Ive talked to him about his addiction on occasion, usually when i felt he was smoking in or close to the house. Ive been dealing with a custody battle, of his younger three brothers, on and off for several years as well. I am angry that i could loose his brothers, to his step dad, because of his addiction. 3 months ago i told him he needed to leave the home, that i could no longer support him being here with his addiction, that his choices/addiction is putting the family in jepordy and cant allow it any more. I found a friend to take him in. Its now time for him to leave there as well. 90 days later and he is still using, though he says he cut down alot…..but using is using in my book. He asked to come back home. He recently got fired frombhis job. Of course he claims he was fired for actions he didnt do, stealing. He has lied to me many times and thinks i believe his lies. I left an abusive alcoholic husband 5 years ago. I never thought id have to deal with someone elses addiction. Having my son move out was torture. I know its what i had to do to protect the well being of his minor brothers. Telling him he cant come back, after three months, was just as hard if not harder. He has made some positive changes in his life like started taking classes and got a drivers permit. Im very proud of him for that, and told him so. Those were not reason i had him leave nor requirements to back home. He is still with this other family, who now believe im doing wrong by him. They already told me he cannot stay there for much longer. Probably best for him since they too have an addict in the home. I want to help my son in any way i possibly can. I know he’s angry with me and probably doesnt understand that my choices are reactions to his choices. He has gone to rehab and was on probation when in high school. He started up again shortly after rehab and probation ended. I dont know what to do for him. I dont want him on the street. I feel taking him back now will only bring a world of issues and trouble for the family. He was born with a heart condition. He tells me he doesnt smoke to be social, he does it to numb himself crom his life. My cear is he may be using something stronger or will soon start. He has had a couple of rough spots in b life….i feel like he wants to play the victim and find sympathy from everyone instead of focusing on the positives and good inhis life. He’s been counseling for over 8 years….i feel he has his counselor fooled from his lies. I asked if he’d be ok if i went with him, to counseling, and he said thats fine. I want to lay it all out there, on the other hand i dont want to take away this safe place from him…if the counselor gets a wake up call and gets down on him as well. I feel lost. Unless he is willing to accept help, admit his problem, i know all i can really do is just love him. I dont know where to turn from here. Any suggestions on where to send him, if he’ll go? I have no money to pay for help. He doesnt have insurance and just lost his job……to me he has found rock bottom…..after reading the facts above….my guess is he’s still falling.

gayle
5:11 pm October 6th, 2014

Elizabeth…I am sorry that you are going through this painful journey with your son along with another battle involving your other sons. I know what it’s like to deal with multiple challenges on top of having a child who is an addict.
It truly is a journey (or process) that is different for everyone. Some parents are strong from the beginning and some need a little training….but there’s no “cookie cutter” answer that works across the board. I cannot tell you what you “should” do. I can only share my own process.
I know God has graced me with strength to make some very hard choices with my heroin addicted daughter. I’ve had to tell her she can’t come home….4 years ago…..in that time I always wanted to make sure she was safe and had somewhere to go….so I really didn’t “let go” and help her see the consequences of her using. She would always back herself into some kind of a corner and I would always do a little something to cushion the blow…whether it would be calling treatment center after treatment center to get her in….or even letting her come back home a few times thinking “maybe she means it this time”. It never helped her.
She has now moved almost 2000 miles away last February and is still using. She says she wants to stop but has not checked into treatment…there ARE places she CAN go….she is basically homeless (bouncing around from friend to friend) with no job or insurance. I’ve given her numbers and resources….(even wondering if that was right–my process–) but it is up to her….when she’s ready…she’ll go….She’s just not ready. It breaks my heart as a mother, but I have no control over her choices….so I have to let go of the notion that I ever had control….I never did. The only thing I can control are my choices….and I’ve made some mistakes…I’ve been so depressed and I just didn’t want to live with the pain anymore….so what could I do….PRAY…I made a prayer book dedicated to my daughter…I say these prayers every day….and believe me…when I think about all that has happened in the last 4 years…God has seen me and my daughter through some VERY difficult times. I don’t know what the future holds…I’m sure there will be more rough times ahead…and I’m sure i’ll make mistakes…but i’ll keep praying…that’s what I CAN do. I too have younger children to care for…so I have to be strong for them…they deserve a mother too.
There are plenty of places that offer free or low cost services…if your son has been in the legal system…I’m sure he’s aware of that. SAMHSA.gov is a place he can find resources to find those places….hopefully he’ll do the work to do that. There is only so much we as parents can do….unfortunately, we can’t “want it for them”….the have to want it themselves.
God Bless and I’ll pray for you and your son

Jill
4:58 pm October 7th, 2014

I have spent the morning reading through all these posts. It is like reading my own story over and over again. I understand what each one of you is saying and it has re-affirmed my faith in God and in myself for what I am capable of as a parent. Thank you to all for sharing…it is hard to do, but I think it makes you feel better when you know you are not in this alone. It is agonizing watching your children suffer. Both my sons are addicts. My oldest has been in and out of jail and rehab most of his adult life. He is currently in rehab again. My youngest is heading to rehab again this week (court ordered so he can get his son back-my grandson, that because of the drugs my son was using, I have not seen in almost a year). I have done everything I thought I should do. They have used me and have played the “I love you Mom” and “I am sorry Mom” game too many times. I am still broken hearted and probably always will be. Their actions have caused family rifts and I don’t know that they can ever be repaired. I have to stand firm in my faith that they will find God and He can help them in their struggles. I can no longer help. I wanted to again thank everyone for the candor and honesty. I live in a small town and there are no support groups around here, so I feel blessed to have found you all! It is sad that we all have to suffer so, but we can have each other’s backs and shoulders to cry on. Thank you

Noreen
10:25 am October 24th, 2014

My son, 19′ has been incarcerated for a year now an will be for the next 3 years. I am the one that had him arrested. I was petrified he would end up in the obituaries like many, many of his friends. My heart is swollen and ever present of a deep piercing pain. Like your son. He was an over achiever as a child and this was a blindsided grenade to my life and his two siblings. I a trying now to keep our family whole. To encourage his recovery and be open minded to the future. He will be a convicted felon when he comes home as well. A scare before he has even started to really understand life at all. Thank you for you post. I agree with it all and think it will help others in our position. This alas does not help the ever present ache I wake to each day and rest my eyes to, if and when it is even possible, each night. If I can help any other parent I would love to. I know…I need so much still myself. Brightest Blessings to you and yours.

donna
4:53 am October 29th, 2014

To all the broken-hearted parents on this site re-read the 10 truths and do not let yourselves become despondandt. Speak honestly to all of your family and do not try to soften the harm that addiction brings to families. The best advice I heard to talk to my addicted daughter was SAY WHAT YOU MEAN BUT DON’T SAY IT MEAN.You know that your child is more than an addiction and they need to believe it themselves many drug users have negative beliefs about their abbility to cope w/out drugs and they need to find there way out and it may take many attempts. There is no one program that works for all do not insist that they can only follow what you think is the right treatmeant if they will go to any type of counseling support and encourage it.

Robert
7:13 am November 6th, 2014

My daughter is an addict and heroin is her drug of choice. We currently are telling her daughter at age four that your mom is maKing bad choices that’s why she cannot live with you. When is it time to tell her the truth? She sends very aggravated with our current strategy.

Jill
3:16 pm November 6th, 2014

Robert – telling your granddaughter @ age 4 that her mom is making bad choices IS the truth. I don’t know at your granddaughters age if I would tell her much more than that. She is so young and probably very confused about what is going on and why she cannot live with her mom. She may have been exposed to a lot more than you think. Counseling may be an option. I would reassure her that her mom loves her and try to provide a loving, stable environment. Hope that helps, Robert. Good luck and God bless!

donna
5:45 pm November 6th, 2014

At a young age i don’t think a child understands bad choices.The truth is that her mother is mentally ill and drugs are making all choices. I would tell her that her mother is sick and she is trying to get better on her own and that you hope she will.Addiction is a mental illness and needs to be treated as such.Her mother is not a bad person but a sick one and still loves her.

babs
3:48 am November 24th, 2014

Thank you for sharing…..my youngest son is an addict. Most days I can be happy but sometimes I think about him and the life he has decided to live and it hurts to the core of my being. We have also run the course of rehabs, hospitols and incarceration….now the only thing left is to live each day and pray that he hits the rock bottom that you speak of….I am going to read your post every day to remind me that there is truly nothing more that I can do! Again..thank you and by the way…Angry Dude is one angry dude!

Pat
10:05 pm January 13th, 2015

My son put himself into detox and rehab again. This is probably the 7th or 8th time….I’ve lost count. He cries and says “why do I keep going back”? I know he doesn’t want to do this, but he doesn’t keep the will to stop. He was actually clean for a year.

I will not let him move back into the house and have sent him out of state. He has been out of state for over 3 years. I told him this time around he cannot come back after he has several months clean.

My question is, What do I do when he gets out of rehab? After all of the other rehabs, I have always helped him financially to get back onto his feet. He stays clean for some time, but then goes back. Should I stop helping financially altogether now? I’m guessing I should. I just feel like he should get some reward to help him if he IS staying clean. If he wants to move into a sober living facility should I help with the expense. My gut tells me no….no more.

12:44 pm January 16th, 2015

Hi Pat. At this point I would advise you to get into counseling yourself. It can help you tremendously in helping him stay sober and not be enabling. It’s great to be able to take a step back and look at the situation, it can help you make right decisions.

keelyn
5:24 pm January 16th, 2015

Hi, Pat, my son has detoxed numerous times. Been in rehabs 3 times and sober living for 2 yrs. His last relapse was 4 mos ago which was caught immediately because he is in sober living. He went back to rehab for 45 days. If we didn’t help pay for the sober living, he wouldn’t be alive now. He has not been near his home state for the 2 years. I have learned that it takes months for the brain to begin to repair, until then, most can not make healthy decisions. He is doing well now and has a very supportive group of friends who are sober. he is drug tested 3 times a week and has to attend meetings. This is keeping him alive. Every time he calls me I freeze hoping he hasn’t relapsed but this is the safest scenario for him now. Next step is he will move out to an apt. with other sobers guys and get a job but it’s too soon. He’s a heroin addict(what a hard thing to type) and he’s 24. I’m just telling you my story. I often think, ” if he died now, would I feel at peace with how I handled his addiction” . This helps me make my decisions regarding his support and care. He is in a house called Palisades Bluff and they take insurance. Huge, huge group of sober young people in LA.

hopeless
8:18 am January 20th, 2015

make all dope addicts read this stuff we parents have to live with. no light at the end of the tunnel.

Elizabeth
4:21 pm January 28th, 2015

Hello
I have a 21 year old step son who is addicted to more than one kind of drug. He has a heart of gold but has always had a lisp when he speaks. I think this issue has caused him much grief as far as fitting in with the cool croud so he hangs out with the wrong croud not to mention growing up he comes from a broken family and has a Mother that never instilled anything like rules or boundries in his life. He currently resides in her home and she pays the bills but resides somewhere else because Mom is tired of him and does not know what to do. I do not hold fault against her I just wish she would try harder to help her son. My husband receives text messages qute frequently like this morning he received 19 texts between the time frame of midnight and six Am from his son talking in circles and I believe that some of his conversations sound like he could become violent because his mind is completely fogged. He has been evaluated twice by the state and they let him go. I ask the state of WA do you not have any room for one more child. Can anyone help me I really hate to see this happen to this young man. Praying for Trevor daily

11:47 am January 29th, 2015

Hi Elizabeth. Does he go to counselling sessions? I believe he needs some professional psychologists help to be able to deal with his inner pains. The point of behavioral treatment is that the root causes that compell using different substances are uncovered, and then the person it thought how to cope in ways other than drug abuse. I’d also suggest family treatment, since you are all afected by this sissue and need to lear how to act and when to act. You should all be there to support him…and his mother should stop enabling him by paying for everything. Good luck to you! Thank you for taking care for this boy, Elizabeth.

keelyn
1:12 am February 1st, 2015

Oh,Elizabeth, I feel so bad for him and you. Texting 19 times is such a cry for help. I recognize the fear, panic and confusion in his reaching out, unfortunately, from first hand experience. He needs to be in a safe place. You could take him to an emergency room if you think he’s going to hurt himself. At least they can detox him while you explore the next step. Maybe you could go to AA or NA meetings to get information on what is available by talking to other parents or group leaders. Or call a local therapist to find out your options. There is a Washington Recovery Help line. Did you try them? The addict feels so lonely, depressed and isolated and , of course, their thinking is like swimming through molasses. He sounds so desperate but his texting for help is a step– he knows he can’t control his life. I am sending prayers for Trevor and you and his family.

Regina
4:43 pm February 10th, 2015

As I read your story and 10 truths I know that I have been through every scenario and emotion that you mention and then some. My son had been incarcerated for a 3 month span this time along with a childhood friend. He told his friend he had had enough and wanted to live again. The day after he got out he passed away from an overdose. My only solace is knowing that he is no longer in ANY kind of pain anymore….and the fact that I know he knew how very much I love him. Always love love love them.

Jill
6:01 pm February 10th, 2015

Regina – I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. You have the absolute right attitude in knowing that he is not hurting anymore and he knew you always loved him. Prayers to you and your family

katie's mom
6:20 pm February 10th, 2015

Regina, I am so so sorry for your loss. My daughter continues on this never ending rollercoaster ride.I know if it does not stop, she also will be gone. The fear sometimes is overwhelming and the sadness. She has never yet had a life with any meaning but pain. I do try to continue to let her know how very much she is loved no matter what. If I could take all this away, I would but it is her story. I am not good at detaching but I continue to try. I can’t imagine what you are going through right now and my prayers are with you.

Shari
8:43 pm February 11th, 2015

Regina I’m so very sorry for your loss.

Lynne
8:58 pm February 11th, 2015

I love my 33 year old son very much. All of the “truths” are sadly accurate. My son became severely addicted to pain killers and Benzodiazepine following a car accident several years ago. He graduated to morphine and klonopin and anything else he could get his hands on. Sadly, I did not know of his addiction nor did I realize the severity of his addiction as he did not live with us. The family got together for an afternoon barbeque and we knew right away he was addicted, face down in his plate, too stoned to keep his head up. I researched about 50 rehabilitation centers and found a holistic center in Florida where we flew down together. Although he at the time had insurance, it cost me all my savings $25000.00 but this rehab saved his life. Afterwards, my son had mood swings on his return and struggles as he came home and depressed. After a couple months, he decided to move to Virginia. His cousin lived there. He actually did well for two years. We would talk about his new start, how well he was doing, had his own apartment, great job, money in 401K. A year ago, a minor car accident and hospital visit gave him the opportunity to regress. He was on disability, refused, even with much encouragement to get himself back on track. He took a bottle of pills sending him to psychiatric unit. He did this a couple more times. His bills piled he has lost his job and recently came back to NJ to stay with my sister. I told him he could not live with us as I knew of his mood swings and I couldn’t go through the stress. While at my sister, only back two weeks, he took a bottle of Flexoril and my sister called 911…he is now being discharged tomorrow front the hospital. My sister, who was warned of his addiction, and not to do this, will not allow him back. Now he has no place to go. My husband is on permanent disability for Cardiac and hypertension. He is diabetic and in poor health. It truly pains me as his mother. I grieve and pray that he will see the light. I don’t know what’s to come. My daughter, hard working, raised by same parents the same way successful, so I wish I could understand. I know helping my son will not help him. Its just so so hard. I pray every day, in tears.

BRIDGET
7:24 am February 21st, 2015

GOOD MORNING I am writing on behalf om my sister. She has two sons that are on drugs. the one smokes dagga, and the other is sniffing cocaine. She is a single mother, and does not have the finance to send her boys to rehab. I am desperate is there anyway that you can help or could you refer me to a center that can. PLEASE CAN YOU HELP US.

karin
12:53 pm February 28th, 2015

It is so hard to watch your child self destruct my daughter is an addict and doesn’t want any help. I have tried to talk to her about rehab if not for herself to do it for her daughter

12:31 am March 12th, 2015

Hello Bridget. There are several things you can do to help those boys. Yes, addiction treatment can be pricey, but it doesn’t have to be. SAMHSA has a particularly helpful online search tool. The SAMHSA substance abuse treatment facility locator can be used to find local addiction treatment facilities that offer payment assistance options, sliding scale fees, and treatment designed for young adults. You can start here: https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/

Tina
2:22 am March 17th, 2015

Your advice really helped me. My son is a heroin addict, he is 31. I started a blog recently as my therapy. If you would like to read, here is the link.
http://tinagarza.typepad.com/my-blog/

Sophia
11:31 pm March 23rd, 2015

To everyone here who is suffering due to their child’s addiction, know that you are not to blame. It IS a journey – albeit a painful one. My daughter is 26, has had substance abuse problems since her teen years when I, too, thought it was just the usual “experimentation” phase. She has lost her two children to child services, for which my husband and I did foster care for 18 month. She is presently married to a drug dealer, the father of my granddaughter, and they are both using again – Meth, although both are denying it – everyone can see it. It’s amazing the world of denial that addicts can live in, and expect us to believe. I am watching my grandchildren go down the same path as last time. Social Services is involved, but until a drug arrest happens, there isn’t much that can be done. The system is tragically broken and the children of addicts are the ones who pay the price. Sending my heart-felt support and blessings to all of the parents here on this blog. Knowing that we are not alone will give us strength.

Karie
6:44 pm April 18th, 2015

Awesome info, just what I needed to read this morning. My 17 year old daughter is an addict (meth) and i too have done rehab four times and many many weekends and nights in group therapy, NA, AA meetings. I thought she had hit her rock bottom, but I was wrong. She has been gone for 4 days this time on a binge. Thank you for the words of true wisdom, they were greatly needed today.

Leslie
6:02 pm April 20th, 2015

My daughter is 20. Seems like she has left all her addictions behind her for now. Next month it will be a year since she was released from a 6 month stay in jail. She has a job now and seems pretty “normal”. She no longer has much contact with the same people than she did before. Or so we think. I worry every day that something will trigger a relapse. When do you stop worrying? When can you sleep all night without thinking she will fall into the addiction once again. I worry the most the day she gets paid. Try to pry and ask what she has been doing with her money. I don’t want to be a pest but I feel the need to count her pennies to make sure no money goes for drugs. When do I stop worrying?? She has been to rehab 3 times and spent time in jail 4 times. I hope and pray all this is behind us but as soon as I would think this, she would relapse. I need to stop worrying and see the positive in her life but I can’t seem to. I don’t want her spending her life in that awful roller coaster of a drug life. She dropped out of college just after her 2nd semester. She has said this time she will finish school and be successful. But I know the drugs are stronger than her will. I hope and pray all that is behind us. At this time, I don’t dare let my guard down.

Deb
12:21 am April 28th, 2015

My son is 40 yrs. old. He has been in and out of prison for drugs and alcohol related issues. He has had severe head trauma, a PSYCHOTIC break, in and out of hospitals for withdrawals. He can’t get a job cause he’s a felon, and now he is homeless and will move in with us when he’s released from the hospital. I love him dearly, but have decided that if he continues with the drugs and alcohol, he will not be living with us. Knowing he could be homeless if I put him out…. I will probably never be right again.

KKing
6:40 am April 28th, 2015

You are right. Nothing parents can do will ever get their child quit. It HAS to be their choice. Addiction is not something another person can cure. It is the one disease where the victim holds the cure and that is his will to quit. Thanks for including that; now what?! I feel helpless because I don’t think my child will ever want to quit. he LIVES to get high.

Kim
8:19 pm May 6th, 2015

I just found this site today. I have two grown children with drug and mental health problems. I have been fighting my daughters addictions for over ten years. She is waiting right now for a bed at her 10th rehab. My son has been using for the last five years and is finishing a three month rehab stint right now. I have lost all my savings, my home and many of my personal things due to decisions I made while trying to help them. My daughter has had three children by three different fathers. Two of those children live with their very loving and good fathers and her youngest was adopted by family friends. My sons two children live with their mother and he sees them every week. My daughter was top of her high school class, graduated from college with honors and was so beautiful that when I was with her I would actually see people turn around to look at her. At age 23 she started dating a drug user and my life has been a nightmare since. She is now 36. She has never had a real job. She is on disability now but it doesn’t pay enough to live on. My son started smoking pot in high school and then in his 20s he moved onto pills and cold medicine. He has been in jail three times now and has a felony. He is also smart, funny, kind and loving when sober. I am so tired of all this, but don’t know what to do besides get up every day and enjoy my grandchildren and friends and faith as best I can. The advice I would give to people is if you suspect your child is using , jump on it immediately and look for treatment. Everything I have done for my kids has been out of love, but I made many mistakes with the constant enabling and trying to fix everything for them. Best wishes to us all.

monica
10:54 pm May 19th, 2015

My 22 yr old son is a heroin addict. God help me
I am starting to hate him

molly
2:17 am May 21st, 2015

Monica,
It’s not your son that you are experiencing the feelings of hatred toward. Rather, it is the drug that has taken over your son’s live. What you hate is the helplessness you feel, and the growing awareness that nothing you do feels like it makes a difference. Any mother who has traveled this journey is well aware of the failures of the system, and the overwhelming sense of powerlessness we feel in our capacity as mothers, with the responsibility for keeping our children safe. Every one of us comes to a point in our journey where we move from protecting our children to protecting ourselves from our children. It is without a doubt the most painful journey a mother can face.
No one in the medical field would dream of sending a child home to die with any other life threatening disease. But when there is drugs involved, our society turns its back on us, making it a morality issue. If only you as a mother hadn’t enabled him, if only you as a mother had been stronger, tougher, meaner, smarter, wiser, ……if only you as a mother had been less than human, and if only you didn’t need his love, then just possibly you could have provided the objectivity and capacity to discipline that would have saved him. That’s the message society sends to us as mothers. It’s a painful journey and there is no one who will thank you at the end of it and tell you what a great job you did. No medals, no salary, and no gratitude. It’s just pure love that keeps us in the game until we can’t take it anymore, when our own survival depends upon us Letting Go and Letting God. And the sad thing is that even God can’t win against drugs.
No wonder you feel like you hate this journey. We all hate it Monica. All we can do is acknowledge our mutual suffering and embrace the pain that comes with loving our children. My heart goes out to you.

Jill
12:42 pm May 21st, 2015

Well said Molly. We struggle in a way no one understands unless they have been there. Your statement “Every one of us comes to a point in our journey where we move from protecting our children to protecting ourselves from our children” hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your wise and insightful comments. May God be with us all and comfort us in our journey.

katie's mom
3:42 pm May 21st, 2015

Very well said Molly!! I could NEVER have imagined what this journey was like. I can’t talk to any friends or family that haven’t been there because I feel that they look at me as a bad mother or are saying ” her kids are just losers” . Sometimes I just want to scream – It could happen to any of you!! It there were not support of other parents that I know in Alanon or sites like this one, I would go crazy. . God bless all of us and all of the victims of this disease. I do NOT believe our kids would choose to live this way if they knew how deep they would have gotten involved.. I pray that society and medicine will change their views and fight this disease and its toll on society and lives..

molly
11:10 pm May 21st, 2015

I think it’s crucial to remember that we still live in a man’s world, and most of us are still protecting ourselves from impaired masculine power, dealing with the violence that men perpetrate against women and children. Most of us will never know what is driving our children’s addictions because of the privacy laws that protect the perpetrator, and prevent mothers from getting the information they need to help their children. Mother blaming is still a significant source of disconnect from the societal problems that are driving our children’s addictions. Putting the blame for our children’s addictions on Mother’s is a fatal attribution error serving only to direct the attention for the real causes of addiction: angry and violent men who take out their frustrations on Mother’s and their children. Men who are willing to use their own children as a tool to get even when the women who abandoned them.
The significant majority of divorce applications are filed by women who are unwilling to put up with the abuse any longer. But when they do stand up, they are met with a huge resistance from men who still believe that they are entitled to power and control over women and children. “I will not be told what to do by a woman, or by a court or law.” These perpetrators, as Jackson Katz discussed in a Ted Talk, ” aren’t these monsters who crawl out of the swamp and come into town and do their nasty business and then retreat into the darkness.” They are the men in our lives: our grandfather’s, husbands, lovers, brothers, and son’s, and friends of son’s who are all colluding together to maintain the status quo, to prevent us from being heard and acknowledged.
How many of you Mother’s are dealing with the addiction’s of your children all by yourself? How many of you are raising children whose fathers refuse to co-parent in a responsible and caring way? How many of you are struggling to preserve the relationship that a child has with a parent who is abusive, non-cooperative, stonewalling, and alienating you from your own children, leaving your children torn apart with issues of betrayal and fear of being abandoned by father’s for failing to choose sides. How many of you have children who are exposed to this terrible modelling by the fathers to our young sons, who then internalize their father’s hatred back at the the mother’s who are doing everything in their power to save their children? How many of you have been told that you are to blame for your child’s drug addiction and that you alone can pick up the pieces of their broken lives. Society’s problem with childhood addictions is rooted in male privilege and entitlement, with men modelling behaviors that demonstrate their belief that power is absolute and non-negotiable. I am speaking about largely absent fathers who refuse to model a cooperative approach which is in the best interests of their children.
And then, we as mothers are directed by those who tell us not to speak badly about their fathers, and how important it is to continue to nurture a relationship with their fathers, no matter how corrupt, how violent, or how revengeful they are. What a schizophrenic world it is for our children who are raised with mother’s who afraid for their lives and afraid for the lives of their children, and who are not allowed to talk about it. All of this is very much reminiscent of the early Freudian days when our society refused to acknowledge both the extent and the devastating impact of childhood sexual abuse. Women need to start talking about what’s happening here. It’s time for us to stop the carnage. It’s the impaired relationships between men and women that need to be addressed, and most specifically the violence against women and children that needs to be dealt with.

Rhonda
10:17 pm June 10th, 2015

wow I am reading all these comments and it is nice to know that I am not the only one going through this … here is my story my son has been on hdhd medicine since a toddler always something that was wrong i have went through meeting and group homes and boys homes thinking it might help ..well now that he is a adult he has been homeless for 4 years and now living back with me with close attention from the doc he is not taking his pills like he is suppose too he is 22 now i see him drinking behind my back stealing and hiding the evidence all over the place he is not to smoke in the house and he does so last night i took pic of everything in the room he has a disease and i cant help him with it he has bi polar he drinks when i am gone so last night i told him he has to stay on the couch and clean up his mess in the bedroom and he lost his privacy so far today he has been angry and he tells me that he don’t want to live and that i don’t understand him … i told him well if u don’t care for anyone but your self u need to go back out on the streets because again it is me taking him to all his appointments i don’t know what else to do he is grown now i cant make him do anything i do love him but i cant deal with the lying and the stealing what is the right way and what are my rights to get him out of my house????

Diana
7:13 pm June 23rd, 2015

I’ve recently had to tell my 24 year old son he cannot come back home. He has a severe addiction and the only other place he has to go are with friends who have the same problem. And I use the word friends loosely. It’s killing me to know that I could be endangering him but he refuses to discuss rehab. Am I doing the wrong thing by making him leave? I just can’t handle seeing him that way and I’m concerned about people that may be coming over when I’m not home. But mostly I’m just worried about that dreaded call that could come saying he has had an overdose?

arlene
6:31 pm July 7th, 2015

My drug addicted daughter has taken up with a man even the police call dangerous. Each day I care for her abandoned children while thier Dad works. Im blessed to be here to help soothe them. And am so grateful that they have dad, me and dads family to learn normalcy. I see those broken hearts each day. And sometimes I hurt so much I cannot breathe. Im wisowed and have no one I can lean on

Gail
12:57 am July 17th, 2015

I have a mid-30s son who is abusing drugs and alcohol. I have been living this nightmare for almost 20 years now. We have been through 6-8 rehabs (I’ve lost count), 3 suicide attempts (that I know of), he has lied to us, stolen from us and broken our hearts. His Dad and I are divorced and I quit enabling him about 5 years ago. We live in different states so I don’t see him often. He cannot hold a job and recently when I asked how he gets money for drugs (meth) and alcohol, he told me that he “loans” his car (which his Dad bought him) to drug dealers in exchange for drugs. I’m hearing these stores now because I told him I wanted the truth and tried of all the BS he’s given me over the years. He’s had guns to his head, had the Hells Angels after him for sleeping with one of the main guy’s daughter. I’m just flabbergasted and don’t want to believe any of this. Unfortunately, his brother and Dad still live in the same town as he does so he has put them and their families in extreme danger associating with these people. I could be too although I do live in a different state. He has just sucked all the life out of me at this point and has done things to our family that shouldn’t be done. Even though he is my son and I love him and want to emotionally support him, am I wrong to want to disassociate myself from him and his lifestyle until he quits this life of drugs and alcohol? I need some advice………………….tired of so many years of stress.

Joanngela
10:35 am July 30th, 2015

We all suffer with pain,finding away to deal with it is all that matters,takeing one day at a time,one situation at a time,you have your whole life to worry about if your an addict or not ,you are what god wanted u to be,

Gabriella
2:51 am August 5th, 2015

I am still living this roller coaster of a ride with my adult son. I am in unbearable pain. And every waking moment is focused on my son. My daughters are angry that I live and breathe for my son. I run at every beckon call for my son. I recently heard two people I am close to that their adult children went into rehab and now can’t help myself feeling envious. Am embarrassed feeling this way but i want it to be my son getting help as,well. My husband says I am wrong to be envious. I can’t stand this pain.

Karen
4:28 am August 14th, 2015

I am addicted to opiates (mostly strong painkillers, but also heroin). I’ve learned quite a bit from reading the things on here written by so many parents who have been tortured by people like me. I’m sorry for all of you. Believe me when i tell you that you’re not the only ones suffering. Your addicted children suffer in ways you can never fully imagine unless you’ve been there. I sincerely wish thorough healing upon you and your children. I do have a short story and i would really appreciate some honest feedback.
Earlier today i called around to several local treatment centers, seeking help. I do not currently have insurance or employment, so treatment options are limited. Anyway, i finally found a residential center with an open bed for me. I was informed i would need $200 up front and then i could move in and start looking for a job after i detoxed and got settled in, at which point i would start to pay $150 per week. I thought this sounded like a decent arrangement. I also spoke with a current resident who spoke very highly of the care she was receiving there.
So i called my mother, very confident that she would gladly pay the small sum of $200 to get her daughter started on the road to recovery. She refused, stating that that i need to “really want it” I was sobbing, telling her how much i want and need to go to rehab. She then said “don’t get discouraged, just go find a job,” and then i’d be able to send myself to rehab.
Let me again reiterate that i never asked her to foot the entire bill, only to pay the initial $200 intake fee (which she has more than enough money to cover).
So now, i feel very hopeless and extremely unloved. I was ready to go to treatment that very second, but now i feel so huet, broken, and defeated that im wondering what the point is. Im thinking that when i do have the $200 for treatment, that ill probably just go shoot up a bunch of drugs so i don’t have to feel this pain anymore. Itself pretty awful to feel like your own mother doesn’t love you enough to pay 200 lousy dollars to help me out of what truly is a life and death situation.
So my advice to any parents or loved ones of addicts reading this is to not stop loving your kids. Dont give up on them.
I truly do understand “tough love” and not enabling addictions, and i never resented those actions. But i just really don’t get refusing to assist in your child’s recovery, even if they’re not actually a child anymore.
On a side note- i have never come crying to her before, literally begging for her to help me get into treatment. I did, however, complete 6 months of inpatient treatment 1 time prior and only managed to stay clean for about 2 years following my completion. So maybe that’s why?
Any feedback or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Julia
3:24 am August 21st, 2015

My 47 year old son pstd desert storm alcoholic takes many via mental meds. In and out of mental hospitals. Tried to damage one parent with physical harm. His other parent has become enraged defaced my pictures, left threatening texts. I have contacted via, congressman, rep. And no help. Even taking him to court for elder abuse. They have called police on me telling them I’m stalking, taunting and harassing them. Don’t know what to do just got out of hospital from heart attack from the stress. His other parent supports him and doesn’t want charges pressed.

LaCe
5:28 am August 21st, 2015

Hi Karen- maybe if you go at this from another direction. We will no longer give our adult son $ directly- did that too many times only to have it used to feed his addictions. Your Mom has lost trust in you- you cannot fault her for that. I am sure she loves you very much. Why not try this- ask her if she will go with you to the facility and pay the $200 directly to them. This might ease her mind and give you this chance. It sounds like a good opportunity. I wish you well on your journey to health.

sam
9:41 pm August 22nd, 2015

My brother has been taking drugs at a young age n countless times over the years he tried to hurt my family. he has stole my mothers plates,pots n pans n her money.stolen my games n shoes.stole my dads money, business products to sell them.when confronted he lies keeping his inosense, trying to hurt us just because we acuse him eventhou it is evident he did so.but time after he admits to it etiher wen he is high or just confesses.he trying to change but always fails.went to rehab only wen we had to call the police after he tried mto kill my dad n me.he did 6mths there but two months after he calm back he stil is agresive.recently i put a restaining order against him because he tierd to run over me n my pregnant girlfriend.then pulled a machet on me.threatning me that will kill me.now my baby is born n that same day he wasted 3000dollars calling my family he needs them,id say he is looking for attention,after my family couldnt go see him because it was late n taking care of my new born.2 days later he attempted suicide.i see it as a way he want my family not to be mad at him since he is using again.he has terrorized my fam for yrs n he always says he is d victim.my fam built him a house,paid 4rehab,he cnt get a job so he wrkd in the fam business but he steals so he had to be let go after millions of chances,dad got him a car which he hurry sold so not to wrk because supposingly he says he has depression, yet he expects my fam to pay for his bills.i feel he is selfish n killing my family slowly.he always promised he wil change but he manupulates them,by liying n using church as an excuse yet right after he wants to hurt us,…can anyone diagnose him…ive done so but would want a second opion.he is a compulsive lier n manupulator,suffering from paranoia,n being a pychopath

Tammi
7:20 am September 7th, 2015

I have had to get a restraining order against my 29 year old addicted son this past month. I have enabled him to hide with his addiction until I just couldn’t watch him slowly killing himself anymore. When I started knocking on his door telling him, “I can’t do this anymore” his drinking and drug use got worse, and the violent outburst became daily. I stood my ground that I wasn’t going to let him hide with his addiction in my home any longer. I went to court and got a temporary restraining order, and told him to go to detox and mental health services. He came knocking on the door drunk the day before the court day to make the restraining order permanent. I knew what I had to do, I faced the judge, and my son who was also there. He didn’t think the judge would grant me the restraining order. My whole body was shaking, and the judge said, “I notice you are shaking, is it because you are afraid of your son”? I paused momentarily and then I replied, “I am afraid FOR my son”. The judge granted my request for one year. My son checked into the hospital the same day, apparently he doesn’t like living on the streets. Five days after being in the hospital the social worker called and asked if he could come home. I said no, and my son is now looking for a sober living facility. I don’t know what the future holds for him, and I am still afraid for him, but I am at peace in my home. He knows what he needs to do to take control over his life. For years I have carried his addiction with me, and was a prisoner in my own home. Tough love is hard! I felt guilty for not realizing I was only hurting him more by letting him hide in his room and hope he will change. I finally see the light! I am at peace, and I hope he finds his peace! We shall see what this year brings, and I will continue to stand my ground, and move forward myself, because I too need healing after living with his addiction for so long. The guilt is diminishing with each small step I take, and I feel stronger, and stronger everyday that goes by that I finally made the right decision to let go, and realize he has to pick himself up, and take control of his own life. I can’t do it for him, only he can do it for himself.

Linda
3:00 am September 21st, 2015

I’m a mother of a 22 year old son, who is a heroin for IV user. It’s been about three years now. He’s recently tried meth also. I’ve tried taking him to rehab, he refuses. He has lied, stole, robbed people, burned every bridge he had for options. I’ve brought him to my recently married husband’s farm over five times, he flips out on me, bullies me, demanding to his 14 year old brother, disrespectful to everyone. He has recently been evicted from my parents home and they put a protection order against him. Yet my mother still gives him money, feeds him, takes him to get his fix. Then calls me and badgers me cause I’m his mother. He has been sleeping outside for 8 days now, is very sick with the flu cause of reason and chilly outside. Refuses to go to homeless shelters or soup kitchens, he has too much pride. What do I do as his mother? Am I wrong for not allowing him back in our home? I feel guilty because he is my son but he is also 22 years old………

morgan
6:00 am September 27th, 2015

Do not feel guilty for your sons choices, guilt is a useless emotion for both of you.You did not cause his drug problem and you can not fix it. If he wants to have a relationship with you then he needs to speak to you respectfully and if he is not able to do that tell him to contact you when he can. He is an adult and can continue in his current lifestyle if he chooses to but can not expect you to support that. As his mother who loves him you can not help him on a path that may destroy him,it is extremely difficult to talk to someone who is mentally ill (which addiction is) but you have to remember his reality is not of a normal person. Always say what you mean but dont let anger make you say it mean.Get your mother to go with you to a family counsler so you can discuss what the issues in the family are and how you can all move forward together.Ask your son if he would speak to a counsler and maybe if you approach this as his choice he will try it. But no matter what he does do not feel it is your fault or you failed him in any way because that is not true.

kim
12:25 am September 29th, 2015

In may my son agreed and wanted to go to Rehab for the drug addiction. He has. Herion and pain pills. He came home 31 days and was unbelievable it was like having my son back again. .. he did well until 30 days after at that time he started smoking weed.. he was warned we don’t agree with him nor support any drugs . He recently found a job and is working in New York But Has traveled home a couple times as to which he relapsed with the pain pills we sit him down after he became back available and calmly explained. We are not supporting him letting him live with us while he us doing drugs. It has put so much stress on our marriage .he will be back home in 3 weeks his job there will be done and he will be working closer to home. And as he continues to break the rules we have as he has been doing… we have considered telling him he us 23 and needs to move out.. is this the right thing to do.. just don’t know where to go with him on this . He is becoming distant again from the outside and again has shut off communication with his old friend

cindy
10:59 pm September 29th, 2015

I am just now entering into this tough battle. I have recently found out that my almost 21 yr old daughter is an addict. What all she has done I do not know. I do know she is addicted to pills and has shot up because I saw the mark on her arm. She dates a drug addict. If course she denies everything. I need support more than ever from someone who has went through this. I told her when she was ready to get clean I would be here to help her. All I know to do is give it to God and pray I dont lose her.

Kelli
7:03 am October 5th, 2015

My son is 17 turning 18 this month he has been in outpatient but never in for 30 are longer he is using pills and pot he is trouble know with the law he fell asleep at the wheel I don’t know what to do he needs treatmeat but he is so mean to me should i force him he will be 18 in 3 weeks and u can’t make him then I’m just so scared.

marie
3:25 am October 10th, 2015

I have written here before my son is an addict uses pills which he is now shooting up, over the past few months he is progressively getting worse. He spent 4 wks in the hosp on a vent and I thought this would be a wake up call, I contacted our congressman who is a vet advocate, my son is a vet on disability. They arranged for him to go to detox and rehab straight from the hosp and my son refused. He has been selling all his possessions because within 2 days of receiving his check for disability it is gone. He then wants me to give him money, tells me he is starving, well I will no longer enable his habit, he I understand is being evicted from his rental home, and he will probably be living on the streets but I have no recourse, I cannot enable him anymore, he is a grown man, will not contact me anymore so I have no idea what his current status is. I have told him when he is truly ready to come clean I will be here to support him. Its hard but I have to be strong. Addiction is a horrible disease, it destroys families, it destroys the person using.

donut
6:58 pm October 18th, 2015

Just be mindful that the words the incarcerated child may be a ruse to gain enough empathy from the parent to unspokenly set up an expectation to have a home to return to and fall once again in an addiction pattern.

Tammi
3:39 am October 19th, 2015

Hello Marie, I am writing you because I can fully understand what you are going through. My son came to my house drunk and high on drugs today. He blames me for all his problems, and is in total denial. I told him to leave or I would call the police. He left angry of course, but that is his problem. I love him to death, but he has to love himself enough to change. I can only pray, and take care of me. I know another woman whose son was an alcoholic, and she told him she didn’t want to see him until he was sober. She didn’t see him for 8 years when she finally got a knock at her door, and it was him. He is sober, working, and has a family of his own now. I told my son today not to come back to my house until he is sober. I told him I love him, but I don’t want to see him until he has gotten the help he needs. I also told him he will never be moving back in with me, so he will understand that is not an option. I want him to be a part of my life, but I don’t want to see him like this anymore. I am like a broken record with my words to him, and I will continue to be strong, and not give in to him no matter how much it hurts me to be this way. I know I am doing this because I love him, and that is what keeps me strong.

Guilty Junkie
11:44 am October 22nd, 2015

To all of the heart broken parents at a loss of what to do in regards of your child’s addiction, I truly do feel for you. I am not a parent of an addict, but an addict with parents clueless and careless of what I’m doing. I’m seventeen, moved in with my boyfriend two hours away from my parents when I was sixteen, and started smoking pot when I was thirteen, drinking and doing pills when I was fourteen and fifteen, doing coke, molly, and inhalents when I was sixteen, and (as I constantly regret) started smoking meth a few months before I turned seventeen.
Being somewhat of a general voice for young addicts, I just want all of the parents here to understand that your child DOES love you, and most of them feel extremely guilty for the things they do and how they’ve ended up and we can only wonder where we ever went wrong. We don’t blame you, we don’t blame anyone for our actions even though we want to desperately put our addiction off on someone or something else. As a meth addict, I don’t WANT to steal things or sell my possessions or act like I no longer care for anything other than drugs. I didn’t realize the person I was becoming or how it effected others or that my priorities no longer mattered until it was too late, and neither did your child. I regret so many things in life due to drugs that I can’t take back. But you need to know it’s NOT the person, it’s the addict. I can only hope that your children fully recover one day because no one deserves to live like this.

Elizabeth
8:14 pm October 23rd, 2015

As the mother of a former addict, I am actually writing today to ask if anyone has been able to deal with the anger you feel/felt towards your child or loved one as a result of their behavior and actions due to drugs or alcohol. My daughter is 3 years clean this coming January, and instead of feeling relief and joy, all I feel is anger toward her and what she put our family through. I feel as though I will never have a trusting, solid relationship with her. I cannot forget the years of worry, terror, anguish., etc she has put us through. I am still suspicious of her every move, watch her like a hawk, lash out at her for the least little thing. She is getting her life together and I should be happy, but I cannot seem to let it go or forgive her. Not sure if therapy would even help me at this point.. I feel so far gone and am consumed with anger and of course, guilt for being angry. Any suggestions?

chris
9:01 pm October 26th, 2015

enjoy each day, look back to the days where I am. my son is sought by the law for parole violation and his fiance is gone due to OD. he is suicidal
I would love to trade places with you. she made it. Gives me hope.

hopeful mom
4:27 pm October 27th, 2015

So many of are suffering and your story is just one of so many. Sunday, my 17 year old daughter came to me and told me she has been taking heroin for 10 months. I had no idea. When she told me I hugged her and told her I love her and we will get through this. Inside I am so scared and sad and angry all at the same time. She told me she wanted to tell me for a long time, but didn’t know how. We are a drug free – alcohol free family with no history of it. This was a complete shock to learn. It is also a shock that there are very few places to take a teenager with an addiction, there are only two in my state and they do not take girls only boys, which makes it even harder. I am desperately trying to find help. She wants to be clean, she is fighting to be clean. We are doing intervention and empathy therapy right now as of Sunday the moment she told me. We are scared not only for her but for us but we are going to give it a try. I have prayers for all who are struggling and suffering through this. God be with us all.

hopeful mom
4:37 pm October 27th, 2015

@Guilty Junky you sound like my baby girl. I read your post and tears filled my eyes. I don’t know if you are my baby or not, and that doesn’t matter, you touched my heart. We are both on this site posting about an addiction that you want to overcome and I want to help you overcome. Your parents love you so much and will continue to love you. If you are really serious about getting clean and staying clean, we are here, open arms, open heart. I can only offer love, hope and support the rest is up to you. Stay strong, stay focused and know how much you matter to everyone.

JM
1:19 am October 28th, 2015

I wished I had come across this page two years ago. First let me say that there is a light and for the most part I have finally come into it. It took a laundry list of dreadful events to get here but I think and will never say for sure, that at least it isn’t near as bad as it was.
It started with a prescription, a demeaning boyfriend, general low self esteem and being a follower. I have gotten my wedding rings out of pawn shops on three occasions, paid of two drug dealers, been threatened by a pimp, ai rconditioner and chainsaws pawned, credit cards stolen on three occasions to the sum of 20 plus thousand dollars, bank account stolen from, money stolen, three overdoses, an infection that almost cost her a limb, two courthouses and two vacations to get her away from the situation……duped every single time thinking I could fix the problem. After her section, she stayed clean I think for the most part but last week, another 300 dollars missing from my account. She says it was a mistake but I am angry. I am angry more so now because during the full blown addiction, I felt she really had no choice, she was avoiding getting sick. This time, I felt she totally had the choice. I am very resentful about still having to keep anything of value under lock and key. I am angry that after everything I did, the places I went, the danger I put myself into she could so easily turn around and do it again. She will be 31 next week and has had to start her life over basically at an 18 year old level. I had no support from my husband, my son or even her father during the height. I never really got an apology or even an acknowledgement of what I went through. My health declined, my sleep declined etc. My bitterness, anger and resentfulness is what I have a problem with now. Is it possible to let go of all of that? Will I ever trust her again? The rollercoaster ride is the worst. So many times I had thought it was getting better, only to be slapped in the face again and again.. If I throw her out, she really has NO place to go. Any advice or experience dealing with the resentment would be helpfl. Thanks and I wish you all luck and health in this horrific journey

Tammi
8:40 pm October 31st, 2015

Whether it “Gets better” or not is up to our addicted children. My son is 29 and thinks I don’t care, because I got a restraining order on him and kicked him out of our home. I told him, “I do care about you, and until you get help for yourself you will not realize I am doing this because I love you”. He may never change, but I will always love him. I don’t like what he is doing, but I am here if he ever decides to make better choices for himself. Me being angry with him will only cause me health problems, and it won’t help the situation. I let go of the anger, because it is partly my fault for enabling him to take advantage of me over the years of “HIS” addiction. Material things don’t matter in this, only my son’s well being matters. I can only say, “Don’t be an enabler, if your child is an “ADULT” make them face the world, and learn to stand as an adult. There is no easy way out of addiction, be tough, be strong, be loving, but don’t give in to their demands. You set the demands, and if they want to drink, do drugs, and argue with you tell them you love them, go get help, and shut and lock the door. I have learned the hard way too like many parents. I took back the control of my own home, and life. What our “grown” children decide to do with their lives is up to them, and them alone. Let go of the anger, find peace within yourself about the situation, and move forward. In my opinion, my child seeing me wallowing in depression, anger, and guilt will only fuel the fire of his addiction. If you love your adult children and they are actively using drugs and/or alcohol throw them out, make them deal with the real world. You can’t save them, only they can save themselves.

Belinda
12:00 pm November 2nd, 2015

Yes, Im on that point of giving up on my brother in prison. He is draining my elderly mother for money every day. We all know what he is doing with the monye, so that will stop today. How do you deal with one in prison making your life hell out here for money? What can we do to stop this, he worked his way to the prison doors and now “we as a famiy, do not care’, please he is making me sick.

Angie
3:10 pm November 3rd, 2015

I believe I’m at the beginning of a roller coaster ride though I pray not. My 19 year old daughter is about to enter first rehab for heroin. I have suspected for so long but finally found proof and confronted her. She says she can’t stop on her own I told her I would help by getting her into rehab. One of the hardest things for her will be avoiding the influence of her using friends. Her best friend uses and they use together. I hope she can be strong and think if herself for once. She says she does not want to feel this way and she is willing to get help. I hope they can teach her about the importance of changing her people places and things in order to stay recovered from this destructive drug! Thanks for all of your comments, I agree with each one though I have had trouble gping by them at times.

Lost Mom
6:57 pm November 4th, 2015

I have been sitting here for hours reading what some have wrote. and I see what is going on in my life from what you have said. I pray that someone can tell me if I am doing the right thing or not.. I have a long story but will make it short at this time. I have a 25 year old and she has a child he is special needs and i love them. My daughter was once the best you could ask for, now I feel she is on meth, denies she has done any thing wrong. She came in to some money took my grandchild and moved away the money was gone in no time and she is back in my home. I am moving out of state and she in now on probation for driving with out insurance and less than an oz of pot.. She called her dad and got her first payment on her fines and the next week she didn’t go. Now on Friday she has to report and have her money, and has not made a dime nor has she tried. If she ask to do work around the house or something I would help her but she don’t. She had stole just about anything of value from my home (10,000) made a report of all that was missing with the police. When ask she says she didn’t do it. I don’t want to just hand over 80.00 to her Friday so she can continue not to work on cleaning up this mess she is in. I know when she goes in they will put her in jail . My son who is 12 wants to move to the new state like now he cry’s all the time and he hates his life here because of what she is doing to us. But I have been letting her get away with it do to my grandchild, he never ask to be put through all this. So do i give her the money and keep her around or do I just throw my hands in the air and let it to the Lord to show her the way.

Tammy
1:05 am November 5th, 2015

I’m a single mother of one. I divorced his father when he was 2 because he was an addict. I was able to raise my son without help from his father in middle class neighborhood. I held two jobs for awhile when he was small and then went back to school to complete my second associates degree. His father was in and out of his life throughout his life. My son started using alcohol and drugs 10 years ago. I have been through many of the same things posted in this blog. He started with alcohol and pot at the age of 14, which I put him in an outpatient program immediately. By the time he was 17 he had escalated to cocaine. He forged checks from my parents checking account, they didn’t want to press charges because it was their grandson. He had an option…treatment or jail. Of course he choose treatment and of course I found one of the best rated in the country. He did really well when he got out. He found a job and then another one. He worked 2 jobs for a long time. He has always been a hard worker. Then he started his own business, which because he was spending more on prescription drugs than he could pay his employees. He started dating a girl who has spiraled his entire life. He has been on and off with her for 2 1/2 years. He has been charged 3 times for retail theft. Lost 2 great jobs and began using herion and crack. He recently stole my credit card. I pressed charges because this was the 2nd time he has done it and it was my way of saving his life. He is in jail right now because of my charges. He wanted to go to rehab before he knew I was pressing charges. Now I’m having a hard time if I should continue with the charges because this is his first felony or drop them so he can go to rehab. I know he won’t get the help he needs in jail. Anyone have any advice?

Ann
1:04 am November 12th, 2015

My daughter is 39 years old and has been in trouble since she was 14. She drank for 20 years and finally “beat” her alcoholism by changing to a prescription drug addiction. Now that she is uninsured and prescription drugs are hard to find, she has turned to meth. My beautiful girl has grown old looking and haggard. She does not have a job and is currently trying to get disability. She always used to be a hard worker. Now it seems that stealing is an easier way to get what she wants. She recently was caught stealing a car, but they plea bargained her charges down to misdemeanor attempted car theft. She has three years probation ahead of her with no intention of following the rules. Her boyfriend is a convicted felon who has been a drug trafficker. His parents are also convicted felons. I am trying to steel myself to the fact that she has chosen this life for herself. When she was placed on probation,we told her that her boyfriend was not welcome on our property because she was not going to break probation with our blessing. We had a terrible fight and I have not heard from her for two weeks. I know how she thinks and if I try to contact her, she will think that she has “won.” I don’t know if we are doing things right or not. It is so hard to know what to do. She has been arrested and been in jail several times. It doesn’t seem to bother her. She tries to sneak drugs in and just ” takes life easy” behind bars. Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated.

missy
6:13 am November 12th, 2015

So many heartbreaking situations.My son is 30 and has been an addict for many many years..I think he started using in High School.The last few years he has been an Iv user.He has lost everything he has ever had his wife,car,everything except afew pieces of clothing .And is currently living in a tent.I have talked cried screamed everything begged him to go get help ,tried to get him help everything I know to do.The homeless situation is pretty new only 2 weeks.before this I was paying rent electric bills the whole 9 yards .Thought tough love was maybe the answer so when he got evicted he moved to a motel where I agreed to pay half the bill and he was to pay the other half.Worked for awhile then found out the people running the motel were as bad off as he and I was pretty much supplying money for all their habits. He moved out and my mother gave him money to rent another apt.and he decided to buy a tent to live and blow the rest of the money on drugs .I am pretty much at whits end.I am an emotional basket case I go between being so mad at the decisions hes making to crying like a loon at a drop of a pin.I want to open my door to him(what kind of mother lets their child sleep in a tent in the cold in November) to getting mad and saying these weren’t my choices.I begged him for 2 days not to do this the whole time him saying Mom let me be me and you do you.I want to save him before it’s too late but he refuses to open his eyes to the dangers he’s putting his self in. I’m afraid they’ll find him frozen to the ground like a stick.But I just don’t know what else to do.I talk to him daily and some days he talks of rehab and others he says he’ll never stop so just back off.There’s no lower to go other than death and I just want to reach out and do something but what??? there is no answers and at times I feel so lost in what to do or even say.It’s like we are all living on the edge of a clift and the rocks are crumbling more and more at each passing day

Ann
1:25 am November 13th, 2015

Will our children ever comprehend the pain that they have caused? I hear so many of my friends talk about their frustration with their children. They aren’t going to college, or they are working in a convenience store, or they are dating a blue collar worker. Sometimes it takes everything I have to yell at them “Are you crazy? Do you know what I would give to have those concerns about my daughter!” How about “is she going to prison, is she doing drugs, is she hanging around other users, is she going to DIE?????” People who have not been through this don’t have a clue. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I so desperately want my daughter back.

Somewhere in Alabama
2:49 am November 13th, 2015

I was just about to purchase a mobile home for my daughter and this helped me decide not to do it, yet. I’ve already bailed her out of jail though. :-(

Ann
2:39 am November 15th, 2015

We are all hoping that my daughter will be caught for violation of probation and thrown in jail. We all believe she will be safer and will have a harder time getting drugs. I stay up at night worrying about her. The weather is getting cold and I am so afraid for her. She tends to walk aimlessly when she is high and we fear for her safety. At the same time, we don’t fool ourselves that we have any influence over her. The drugs are her priority right now. I worry about what she is doing to find the money to pay for them.

Ann
10:04 pm November 16th, 2015

Somehow it feels better to see that other parents are going through this same kind of hell that we are. I wish I could see light at the end of the tunnel, but at this point I truly don’t. We have had to detach ourselves from our daughter to salvage ourselves and the rest of our family. Sometimes it just seems like a bad dream. How could this happen to our beautiful, loving daughter? But then again everyone else feels the same way. She thinks that things are wrong with us, not her. The paranoia is nightmarish. When she was with us, she was constantly taking our things, turning off our electronic appliances because they were “watching her,” checking my cell phone and screaming at me that I had stolen her contact list, smashing cell phones, running over them with her cars, taking the SIM cards out of them and trading them between phones so no one could spy on her stealing our money and credit cards. We are stressed not seeing her, but it is less stressful than it was when she came around. I pray that all the people we love will come back to us and salvage their lives and relationships. I am finding comfort reading what others have experienced. Most people cannot comprehend the pain of going through this. Some say their children would never do that because they were better parents than that. It doesn’t work that way. I have four great children that live normal, happy lives. What is different about my oldest? I wish I knew.

Kathy
11:54 pm November 20th, 2015

Hi I’m new here. I’m having a very hard time dealing with my 19 yr. old’s drug use. We were scheduled for an intervention tomorrow, and I actually cancelled it because it is just too hard for me. People are not real happy with my decision, and I’m feeling like a jerk. I just wasn’t sure I could put him out on the street, because I really don’t think he’ll go to another rehab. He’s been in four, but only completed one. This is so hard.

Jean
1:39 am November 24th, 2015

I have been dealing with my daughter for the last 15 years Numerous rehabs, smart, beautiful intelligent girl Everything and everyone she touches she hurts I can not believe I am actually responding to this post because I am numb I am 64 worked as an RN for 40 yrs and will retire in 6 months It is now time for me I have become frank with her She always yells and says I will just go away and you will never see me again You know what, that is ok Oh yes, I love her with every heartbeat She is a heroin, and anything else she can get her hands on addict

Serene
4:30 pm November 28th, 2015

Angry dude is uneducated. Let us just ignore his hateful words. I am a sister of a drug addict. Her choice besides lot is crystal meth. She is 42 and had a good size record with the law. She has been admitted to hospitals when the cops pick her up but as an addicted adult. She feels there is nothing wrong and denies the use though sometimes she has leaked it out and it has been confirmed by the doctors. She is not mentally losing touch with reality. Is there anything we can do for an adult addict, homeless on the streets? I am just inquiring.

Toni
1:27 am November 29th, 2015

I just found this blog today and started reading. The last message before me felt like I had already been here and written that, except that ours is a son who has been using drugs for at least, fifteen years. He also has been in and out of jail, rehabs, counselling etc. He has completely alienated all his siblings. He is now living in a motel which his boss pays for and takes the rent out of his paycheck. He has a fly-by-night job with no benefits because his boss will tolerate his drug use. He has had a few good jobs and lost them. He also has a lot of debt which he never intends to pay. In the last month, we have found out that he is now using heroin and he has used it in our house. He just recently stole three large tools from us and pawned them and stole a chain saw from his one remaining friend who has stood by him since they were little boys. My heart is breaking tonight as we have banned him from our home now. We have six young grandchildren and it is not fair to our other children to allow him back in and run the risk of him doing something around the children. Christmas is coming and I have no idea where he spend it. All I can do now is pray….even though he has told me not to waste my prayers on him.

David
6:27 am December 11th, 2015

You parents made your own fucking bed now you can sleep in it. Get over it.

E
3:11 am December 16th, 2015

I’m glad I found this blog. I am writing about my younger brother who is a heroin addict at 25. He said he started with codeine prescribed to him after getting wisdom teeth removed and it progressed from there. My mom and dad have been telling me all about the ordeal they’ve been going through for the last couple of years. They are retired and deserve to enjoy their golden years but instead, they are dealing with this every day.

He got caught by the police buying drugs then and has been in several rehabs since. He lost his job and his girlfriend in the process. He’s not capable of holding down a job or maintaining a relationship anyway. The one month facility didn’t work and neither did the two month one. He relapsed both times fairly soon. He went to a state facility for a 9 month period but ran away after 2 months because he needed antidepressants and counseling which this state facility wasn’t providing. He has suicidal thoughts and has been saying for a long time that he’s depressed but he always refused to get help until he got caught by the police. Now he just wants to get high so he could take his own life. He talks about wanting to die all the time. He already OD’d once and has gone to the hospital a few times due to either drug use or suicidal thoughts. My parents refuse to enable him and have been keeping his money from him and his cell phone, with his agreement. He knows he has no self control when it comes to the drugs. Luckily, he’s not violent and hasn’t stolen from my parents yet but judging by the way things have been going, I think that anything is possible. He’s now waiting to be put into the next rehab facility by the court.

Sometimes, I feel like it’s hopeless. He doesn’t seem to want to get better and doesn’t want to change his attitude. Everybody’s trying to help him but he won’t help himself. I can’t believe the things my parents tell me about him because that is not the brother I knew in the past. He’s smart, sensitive and has a good heart but he just doesn’t love himself at all. I’ve been down the road of deep depression though never drugs and I’ve tried to help him as much as I could by sharing my story, insights and what worked for me but it seems like it went in one ear and out the other. He told me his rehabs told him the same things I did so I guess me reiterating what they said probably won’t work. I was hoping to make some kind of difference in his life. I guess depression combined with drug addiction is a different kind of monster. I’m not sure what to do or how to help my parents. I have a toddler and another baby on the way so my time and ability to help him are limited. I don’t want to lose hope but him giving up on his life makes me feel less hopeful each day and very sad for him.

Susan
7:08 am December 16th, 2015

Thank you for your article. I am the mother of my daughter who is an addict. Our journey began when she was 16 years old. She is 32 years old. After 10 years of mostly estrangement, knowing only that she was living in Mexico she contacted my niece last July and relayed she was clean and ready to turn herself in to face alleged legal charges in the U.S. She did follow through and was arrested incarcerated for 3 months and was recently released to a half way house pending her legal charges. My sister and I have raised her son now age 10 since he was a few months old. While I am so proud of her for getting sober and turning herself and grateful she is safe and in recovery I am overwhelmed with a flood of emotions that have surfaced. I am also angry, resentful and have lost my own life balance of own recovery since her return. I am exhausted from being the main person she contacts and feel like I am in a movie rerun that I can’t be in this time. Like many parents of addicts I have paid for rehabs co-raised her son and jeopardized my own health with the hope she would hit her bottom. While I have prayed for her return and recovery I am not sure that I can sustain my own health and cope with becoming hopeful and having her leave again. If she leaves this time she will face up to 10 years in prison and up to a $250,000 fine. Any thoughts as to how you took care of yourself or stepped back from your loved ones addictions and or recovery would be helpful. Thank you to everyone for sharing your experience strength and hope!

donna
5:41 am December 17th, 2015

Response to David’s comment ,You kids made your own fucking bed now you can sleep in it. Now to the heartbroken parents, no one is responsible for another persons choices.You gave them your best advice and examples for years but how they wish to live is not your choice.Don’t take on useless guilt,expect respect and give them respect to live as adults without taking on their problems.

Rich
7:26 am December 29th, 2015

We/ I am gettn toward wits end w a 20 year old child that I know is using coke. I also know it is self medication, a band-aid. This child on-loads on my spouse, a spouse who is very sensitive. The child is relatively productive, but insecurity- in my opinion- is the impetus for the ‘opiate high’. I am not sure how much more my spouse can take; not sure how much reflecting I can take. I was no angel, but had some common sense and direction and drive…not inlike the effected child. Maybe I am just venting, but I am fearful of a late night deputy call, or worse. Thoughts ??

Mischelle
12:07 pm December 29th, 2015

My son is also facing a 4year prison setance.
After ready your post, I have hope that he will return to our family and his 9mo old son.

Thank you and God bless

Snow
5:13 pm January 3rd, 2016

Brief history 36 year old son multiple drug and alcohol use starting at age 16.I literally pulled him through high school. The list I’m sure you are all familiar with– multiple arrest and jail time starting at felony theft at age 17. I recently pulled his arrest/charges record he has over 80 charges. Also has 2 daughters that live with his mother in law (his wife’s an addict also) 3 brothers all doing well no drug use whatsoever rarely drink.
I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on rent,hotel rooms and paying a buddy over the years. The jail loves to release him at 1159pm when its 14 degrees outside. The cycle is always the same, jail time for usually 6 months to a year gets super clean and buff reads lot of books and returns the normal son he was before drugs. He gets out no where to go no hope for a job no car (double fatality wreck years ago that blood work showed shockingly he was clean for that brief moment) He does ok for about 3 months then gets frustrated at his lot and goes back to what he knows.
Last year he was the best ever so I helped him for the first time in years got him a place to stay got a friend to hire him within walking distance where he lived. I paid the rent to the landlord for 6 months up front in advance I gave him 2 months worth of expense money a small amount per week.—– He didn’t make it 3 months quit his job because a buddy had a better job in construction (seems like construction is the number one fake job) and had another buddy to move in with (who would let a multi felony drug addict move in — the answer another drug addicted felon) Ended up same old story drugs another theft arrest wrecked his new girlfriends car (by himself no one injured- I found out about it when the girls dad showed up wanting to know what I was going to do about paying for her car!) The dad also had his phone where I found nothing but messages about meeting people to try to buy drugs or sell gift cards, apparently being a drug addict is a lot of work!
He went back to jail for over a year same story as before “ready to never go back to jail”. This time his mom who has recently found religion (not a bad thing) decided to let him move in with her and her husband and he could live there till God heals him. Well got a text yesterday he has to be out by the end of the week shockingly he is partying and using again.
I say all this just to say and only parents that have dealt with this understand I still love him down to my soul he will always be my son but————————- I think I’ve had enough. The son I once had is long gone and has been I don’t even know who this person is and quite frankly I don’t like him at all. I awful even saying that but I’m sure I’m not alone.

Sandra
4:44 am January 6th, 2016

I have a daughter with mental problems and drug addiction. I don’t know what to do. She’s out in the streets she’s only 21 years old. I feel that theirs nothing I could do to help her. I tried for years. I would love to get her out of the streets. She’s been trying to get help and no one will help her. What should I do?

melanie
6:41 am January 14th, 2016

Hi ther ive come across your article and im writing this with tears flowin ,which btw is a 3/4 a week occurance these last 3years! Anyway your story is shockingly similar to mine , right from the start . Itoo left my two young children then aged 6&10 two lovely clever happy boys ,who was becoming aware of ther dads addictions and distruptive in the home behaviour. We live on a big home estate & it was tough leaving him after 12years of comom law man&woman co’habitin together, me 11years younger and no family or friends atal around ,when i had my 1st beautiful son Malcolm known as mal aged just 16!! with Macaulay beautiful son no2 4years later.I chose to stick around and alow if either ever chose to visit ther dad they could , we all 3 our (or sadly was) very very close, they both left school with 9+gcses & a diplomar apiece
1in sports the other in Art/Design ,to then, Malcolm ,complete carpentry Nvqs . since growing up to now aged 23&19 whilst macaulay (youngest)is a very quiet thoughtful photograpy student with a steady 2year relationship with his equaly minded girfriend,Never had any trouble hes a lovely boy(Man),Who has had to endure his older brothers demise then rise then demise over the last 3years.He never knew how bad things was ie what drug or the fact he was intravanusly dangerously injecting & regulary overdosing but he wasnt living at home so i hid it, the same as i ve hid it from everybody the extent of my living hell,Nobody knows hes a Heroin Addict apart from myself ive too rode & still ride , the rollercoaster that Only we feel the pain of the bumps an the Near( &Gettin Nearer )Death Experiences!si Mal now has been living at home the last 2years hes never stole and apart from loud abusive outbusrts whichwas before his heroin addiction,when had a valium addiction,but like his heroin addiction is now,he was clever at not ever steppin the line ,as hated the way his dad had become and was adamant he was never gonna be him,so the irony hes actualy worse than his dad was (drug wise} is killing me slowely.People known hes a obvious drug use going on but hes always been differant behaved with differnt drugs theyve never known exactly what drug.and his generation is the norm here for weed smoking after work/gym and coke/uppers maybe at weekends or special ocasions.so not to much emphasis,Yet through our tight bond he did tell me everything but retracted what wed discussd the next day or so i knew and now i feel i neede to get help as its worsenin hes looking at me deperatly hes lost yet another job, he spent the last 3days clearly not on heroin,makin positive plans an whist admitting to “Now evidential” events how hes not a drug addict and spending hours groomin and askin me how well hes lookin ,which he doesmost times,to tonight so randomly Yet again usin.Clearely on heroin Clearley left or Not hard to find syringe in the bathrom Where he goes in quiet an normal an comes out lokin like satan loudly convincing himself hes had nothing,,he realy believes this btw i believe.Im not a gulible nieve mother,i lost my brother from similar drug behavior ,ie he died a non-addict and was told by my gp ther more percentage of heroin deaths here in the uk,ive a large circle of friends im tiny 5ft weighing in at 7stone lol,42yrs old but im tough and will die if i dont die before for my boys ,But my shield has more than crumbled away i feel i need to act but now built a codependant on each side relationship up ,dont know how, im terrified im going to lose him hes mylittle boy that ive gave my life love too 23years ago and i cry for him like hes alredy dead now,i know i did my best and dont for a minute doubt the unconditional love i dished out,infact i believe it added to his need to abuse downer hard drugs later on,as i shielded both them both from any pain on any aspect so they never had to deal with consqencies , i still stupidly after sobre day 3 of angry,to running him to here or ther so no punishment .im enabling him i know, but in a never waking nightmare of paralysed to help .Sorry if this sounds mixed up vocabulary or side tracked of the subject but im writing and if i stop to reread il start the rollercoaster of denial again with him tommiorow ,so please have a dig through it lol and if can make sense of even a sentence of my absoute desperation to give me some advice on what or where we go from here ,or do i wait for him to die.i dont want to through him out ,i do tell him to leave the home the actual hours hes incoherant as i cnnot bare to see or hear him, but most same nights he cones back and quietly goes to bed /sleep. im fine with tht and usualy very seceretly releved id also now sleep,he home.Help the Spartan as we often refer to ourselfs my mates and i ,Well shes f@king (pardon the french) crumbled ! i ache with sorow x Melanie xxx

Tosha
2:45 am January 19th, 2016

Tosha
My son Travis was the quietest sweetest most intelligent and beautiful boy I ever saw Even though he was never a great student His teachers and counselors loved him and recognized that he was indeed way above average in intelligence
around 14 someone gave him percoset for headache and his cousin got him smoking pot
from that point He didn’t want to go to school and when he did he slept a lot in class but would wake up take a test and get 100% without studying at all with all the school troubles his father (my ex-husband) was no help and all and take him out school early etc (he loved his kids but did nothing to help prepare or train them for adulthood and fought every good thing I tried to do for my kids)I got him in a computer school to get his diploma and he only had to go from 8am to noon everyday and in few months he would have his diploma We had shared parenting and when Travis was at his dads he never got him up for school or made him go.. I actually offered to pay my son 20 dollars every fri when he went to school every day which I did for months because my son and his father would lie and say he went to school..finally I got a letter from computer school said Travis had missed 80 hours of school and would soon be kicked out if he didn’t return
I brought travis back home I hoped for good because his father had developed a serious prescription drug abuse problem also I wanted travis to stay home and go to school..that nite
Travis said he was doing oxycotton OMG I was mortified..and scared the next morning I got him up for school and he refused to go…to school at this point he was already 18 and I said if you don’t go to school then Im kicking you out and you can no longer live at home because I have two other teens who have to go to school and function properly I want you to go in treatment and get help and I will help you Travis refused for almost 3 years Travis and his dad called me couple times a week for food money or money for ciggerettes because his dad got check from retirement and blew over 1500. in 3 or 4 days? I rarely gave my son money but did take him food on a lot of occasions because I didn’t want him starving to death (I hoped he would get to bottom of well and snap out of it)so I was an enabler but I tried everything to tell him to put in job applications get employed and go get his ged..Nothing seemed to work I yelled screamed begged and pleaded for him to get help and one time actually took him to hospital and he wouldn’t get out of the car and said mom I only take pills once a month Travis talked about being extremely depressed (prolly from drug abuse and no job and no hope because he wouldn’t do anything or let me help him change his situation In sept 2015 I called him one nite and he was crying on the phone that he just wanted to come home…I said Unless you get help or drug treatment and a job you cant come home and stay up all nite being unemployed and terrorize me and your brother and sister they still have to get a diploma and function as productive loving human beings He said that’s right they are more important than me (I said no..they aren’t more important but they cant have you living here and doing drugs and asking me for 20 bucks a day while you do nothing constructive for your life I continued to talk to Travis and tried not yelling at him (that didn’t work)and was doing my best to give him hope(he seemed so hopeless and depressed)I took him to dentist in nov (he had let his teeth rot out)? He came out to car with dirty clothes on..I said travis why didn’t you bathe and wash your clothes..He said oh mom its alright..(.He didn’t even care about personel hygiene.).to have a couple teeth pulled and bought him some grocerys that he could eat with his bad teeth..I brought him food at least once a week and since he refused to go to my familys on thanksgiving I brought him a bunch of food from my sisters house..
His father used him as a puppet to try to get food or money from me..which is unforgiveable
dec3 2015 My youngest boy broke his ankle in gym so a week after that I had to take him to bone doc to get his cast on and I got a call from my ex sister in law while we were at the doc crying on the phone and I knew my son was dead before she even said it because of the way she was crying My beautiful 20 year old good hearted good looking smart son was found dead slumped over the computer table on dec10th 2015 even though I haven’t received the toxicology report yet when they did the autopsy there was no natural cause of death so it is very likely a overdose on what ever drugs he took.My children and I are completely devastated by Travis death and the pain has left its mark on our hearts If any of you have a child doing drugs and are in similar situations please get them help before they turn 18 it is the only hope you’ve got to save your child from the destruction of drug abuse and self destuction
apparently he was taking muscle relaxants

Tosha
2:51 am January 19th, 2016

Tosha
My son Travis was the quietest sweetest most intelligent and beautiful boy I ever saw Even though he was never a great student His teachers and counselors loved him and recognized that he was indeed way above average in intelligence
around 14 someone gave him percoset for headache and his cousin got him smoking pot
from that point He didn’t want to go to school and when he did he slept a lot in class but would wake up take a test and get 100% without studying at all with all the school troubles his father (my ex-husband) was no help and all and take him out school early etc (he loved his kids but did nothing to help prepare or train them for adulthood and fought every good thing I tried to do for my kids)I got him in a computer school to get his diploma and he only had to go from 8am to noon everyday and in few months he would have his diploma We had shared parenting and when Travis was at his dads he never got him up for school or made him go.. I actually offered to pay my son 20 dollars every fri when he went to school every day which I did for months because my son and his father would lie and say he went to school..finally I got a letter from computer school said Travis had missed 80 hours of school and would soon be kicked out if he didn’t return
I brought travis back home I hoped for good because his father had developed a serious prescription drug abuse problem also I wanted travis to stay home and go to school..that nite
Travis said he was doing oxycotton OMG I was mortified..and scared the next morning I got him up for school and he refused to go…to school at this point he was already 18 and I said if you don’t go to school then Im kicking you out and you can no longer live at home because I have two other teens who have to go to school and function properly I want you to go in treatment and get help and I will help you Travis refused for almost 3 years Travis and his dad called me couple times a week for food money or money for ciggerettes because his dad got check from retirement and blew over 1500. in 3 or 4 days? I rarely gave my son money but did take him food on a lot of occasions because I didn’t want him starving to death (I hoped he would get to bottom of well and snap out of it)so I was an enabler but I tried everything to tell him to put in job applications get employed and go get his ged..Nothing seemed to work I yelled screamed begged and pleaded for him to get help and one time actually took him to hospital and he wouldn’t get out of the car and said mom I only take pills once a month Travis talked about being extremely depressed (prolly from drug abuse and no job and no hope because he wouldn’t do anything or let me help him change his situation In sept 2015 I called him one nite and he was crying on the phone that he just wanted to come home…I said Unless you get help or drug treatment and a job you cant come home and stay up all nite being unemployed and terrorize me and your brother and sister they still have to get a diploma and function as productive loving human beings He said that’s right they are more important than me (I said no..they aren’t more important but they cant have you living here and doing drugs and asking me for 20 bucks a day while you do nothing constructive for your life I continued to talk to Travis and tried not yelling at him (that didn’t work)and was doing my best to give him hope(he seemed so hopeless and depressed)I took him to dentist in nov (he had let his teeth rot out)? He came out to car with dirty clothes on..I said travis why didn’t you bathe and wash your clothes..He said oh mom its alright..(.He didn’t even care about personel hygiene.).to have a couple teeth pulled and bought him some grocerys that he could eat with his bad teeth..I brought him food at least once a week and since he refused to go to my familys on thanksgiving I brought him a bunch of food from my sisters house..
His father used him as a puppet to try to get food or money from me..which is unforgiveable
dec3 2015 My youngest boy broke his ankle in gym so a week after that I had to take him to bone doc to get his cast on and I got a call from my ex sister in law while we were at the doc crying on the phone and I knew my son was dead before she even said it because of the way she was crying My beautiful 20 year old good hearted good looking smart son was found dead slumped over the computer table on dec10th 2015 even though I haven’t received the toxicology report yet when they did the autopsy there was no natural cause of death so it is very likely a overdose on what ever drugs he took.My children and I are completely devastated by Travis death and the pain has left its mark on our hearts If any of you have a child doing drugs and are in similar situations please get them help before they turn 18 it is the only hope you’ve got to save your child from the destruction of drug abuse and self destruction

(steve) a broken, tired, scared father searching for HELP!!!!
6:06 pm January 19th, 2016

PLEASE HELP WITH ANY ANSWERS,PREYERS,OR ANY ADVICE…. I have a daughter thats turning 22year old in about a week. She an Angel, thats falling faster and faster by the day. Her mom left us when she was 11yrs. When she was starting her femal changes as well as middle school. Her mother has seen her maybe twice in all thesr years. Left a message on her 16th birthday from jail. She had a tough time with her mom deserting her. This might of been a good thing in the since,that since she left. She has spent most of her years in jail for numerous arrests. Had another kid, Angels little brother.she seen once. That kid was taken away from her mother. I kept her busy in different activities and sports through the years. She always thrived in what ever she decided to do. I couched her for years in softball. I wish i could go back and enjoy those priceless times agin. What were going through now is unbearable, and full of the worst fear, and pain i ever experienced!! I take care of my mother who lives with me. I also have taking care of angel the best i can. Six months or so ago is when this crippling HELL started. She got with this prediter boyfriend who was slupping her prescription pills, whith put her knowledge. Then he would make situations happen.making angel think she was going crazy. Anyways durring the rime he wad around. She lost her job of four and a half years, at a supermarket. Quite school. She has two yrars of collage studing nursing. Half way done allmost. Also lost her car she was buying on her own. He ended up leaving her. Stranded in a motel room. After stealing her tax return around 2000.00 since then angel has had several mental incidents that are distoying everyone and everthing. Shes violent with her nana. Which fiur days ago went too hospital by ambulance.she physically attacked her. Kicked our front door in 6 times. Broken all kinds of things in the apartment. Which shes not aloud to reside anymore. BUTT the police havent helped at all . making us let her back in the apartment eveytime. They been at the house 30or40 times in 2 mo.well after not charging her for asult on nana.they would even give a temp restainig order for grama whos infear of her life at thid point. The next day angel comes bsck kicking the front door once more. Then she thougj a brick into the kitchen window. Police. Agin werent going too do anything. I had too put her under citizens arrest. For them to take her finanly.sshe goes to court wed. Tommorrow. These insident have gotten my mother and i evicted from are home of 9years. I want them too make her go into a drug treatment place. Incare 30days at the least. How can i do that? The crisrs center sent us aeay twice. She tested. Possitive for three drugs in her system. Shes lost hundred lbs. Cutd herself. Shes. Going too end up dead.weve lost almost everything and dont want to loose her too. Shes a great loving person that has changed into a dark demon or possesed evil person. Please help anyone…

donna
8:36 pm January 19th, 2016

Steve when she goes to court talk to the judge.Also get her to go to a counsler in addition to any treatment they order.Also get support for yourself it is a tough road ahead

Snow
10:55 pm January 22nd, 2016

Reading all these sad stories makes me wonder do these addicts ever think about all the pain they have caused. It is like you were forced to ride a roller coaster that you would never choose.

Naisa
11:14 pm January 23rd, 2016

I loved your story. My the lord deliver your son from his own prison. Nothing is impossible for God. I raised my son protecting under my wings. I trusted very few friends to let him to spend the night. When he was a high school freshmen he said that he smoked marijuana for the first time with a friend that I thought was good because the family was good and members of a baptist church. My son even went to church with them. And this friend introduced marijuana to my son. This all was confessed by my son when he was 18 and really started to use marijuana . My son is freshman in college , smart and sharp with a goal of becaming a lawyer and was arrested last night with marijuana . I am waiting for his liberation from county jail. Zero bound. The only thing I have being doing is to pray to the almighty God to deliver my son from the chains of sin . I trust the Lord with all my heart, my soul and my mind and He will give my son salvation.

Gail
11:34 am January 24th, 2016

Hi there
I have been on a similar journey to yours, only my son is almost 31, some days i cry when he is down and other days when it seems like we may have turned a corner we actually smile together.
But i have been at that turning of a corner so many times only to be brought back down to earth with the reality of his addiction, we do talk and yes he has tried every trick in the book to get money from his family, pleading he needs it for electric, gas, food etc.
I now deal with his finances which he is quite happy to let me do at the moment ! This deal was made so i could make sure he always had light, heat and food in his belly but mainly so he would stop harrassing yes harrassing his 80 year old nana who is a very strong determined lady, who has tried to help without giving him an easy ride ! But i suppose he took this kindness and support beyond any grandparents love, he still phones his nana and genuinely loves her but the addiction sometimes makes him irritable and he spits his dummy out if he doesn’t get what he wants or my mum is continually on his case to stop the life he is living. She lived in different times and i dont think she fully understands his addiction as i didn’t until recent years.

we had a chat a few weeks ago as we often do, where he told me he was taking illegal highs drinking to excess having intrusive thoughts, jumping out in front of moving traffic i am sat here devastated that my beautiful hearted boy would want to hurt himself and endanger other innocent lives.

I have spoke to my husband who has been in my sons life from the age of 3 he has supported him in every way his whole life he still runs about after him dropping him food off if he needs it but i think his step dad duties are being pushed beyond repair as are mine as his mum sometimes.

I have two other children who are fully aware of there brothers addiction but it has affected their relationships, its heartbreaking because family is everything.

Take care of yourselves and each other
Gail

cbyrd
1:36 am February 2nd, 2016

My daughter died of a Meth overdose and I it is so hard to get over the guilt. I should have tired more. I should have done more. I should have told her I loved her more. I should not have relocated even if her friends made it hard on me to sleep at night as they were criminals and drug addicts. I wish I could go back in time. Her father died of a drug overdose at 40 and she died at 33 years old.

Tammi
1:09 am February 8th, 2016

I am so so sorry for the loss of your daughter, there is nothing I can say that will ease your pain, or your guilt. Our children don’t have a clue what there drug abuse does to those around them. Everyone has turned their back on my son, and he is slipping further and further into his addiction. At this point I know there is nothing I can do to help him, and I let go. Whatever happens to him will be his choices. I can’t stop the course he is on only he can. I am sure if he dies I will live with guilt too and wish I did more, but there really is nothing more I can do to help him.

Tammi
7:14 am February 11th, 2016

It has been a blessing to me to write my thoughts down here. My son is in the hospital tonight on a 51/50 hold for the second time in the past three days. I will sleep great tonight knowing he is in a safe place. We will see what the next two weeks bring us, and pray that he will see he desperately needs help and take it.

Sherry
11:48 pm February 11th, 2016

I too have a child addicted to drugs she is only 14 and using I am on my way to get a court order for detox and rehab.

Lisamarie
10:20 pm February 13th, 2016

I am a single mom to 5 boys. My two oldest (17 &16) smoke marijuana and I just found out they are taking Xanax bars. My 16 yr old has been on outpatient therapy on and off for 2 years now. He spent 2 weeks at a residential rehab in 2015. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I feel like that is going to be my future. I don’t know what tondo to help him. He is not going to school, this is the second year he is repeating 9th grade classes. The guilt is terrible. I feel like I have done everything to help him, but he doesn’t want to help himself. I have three younger sons. I don’t want them around this. I have thought about sending them to their father, however they don’t have a relationship with him and he was a marijuana user ( I don’t speak to him now so I’m not sure ). I feel like I failed my son.

Tammi
7:47 pm February 14th, 2016

The family court system may help you place your underage child into rehab. When they are over the age of 18 it becomes much more difficult, as they are considered “adults”. Call and ask the center where your son went for outpatient therapy. They may be able to give you suggestions that will help. I made my son a ward of the state through the family court system, so they could place him in a rehab when he was 16. He was there for one year. He had group, family, and individual counseling, and he got his high school diploma. It took me 3 hours on buses to get to where he was for one hour visits and family counseling twice a week. When he was released back to me he got a job and was doing well for about four years. Unfortunately he slipped back into his addiction, and refuses to get help. Many, calls to the police in the past year and begging them to get a Mental Evaluation Team (MET) to evaluate him has finally happened. I haven’t had any communication with him since he was placed in a mental hospital for the second time in a three day period last week, but I am hopeful that he is realizing himself that he needs help.

Char char
11:25 pm March 10th, 2016

Every word you wrote here I’am now going through and so exhausted my son bugs me to take my car when I tell him no he cries and cries and aggravates me til I’m exhausted sometimes afraid of his anger when I tell him no. My son is going through an anger counseling program ,and a probation was wondering why probation hasn’t drug tested him at all. Was thinking should I say something to them. I fear every day he is going to hurt some one or himself or wind up in prison .

Linda
7:51 am March 19th, 2016

So, I feel so completely inspired to write this, because I am at a loss as to what is happening here. I found that there is an actual addiction vaccine for heroin, cocaine and a few others. Sorry, meth was not among the vaccines. One of the scientists (Kim Janda) at Scripps Research Institute, has developed the vaccine, but the pharmaceutical companies won’t give him the funding to carry out the research. It’s been found very successful in rat studies and some human studies as well. Unfortunately, ,the loss of profits for meds such as Suboxone, Methadone and Antibuse are keeping Big Pharm from funding further research. Please keep write your Congressmen and Senators and insist that further research be funded, and don’t let big Pharm con you into believing these vaccines don’t work They do, and just might save the lives of ourc children.

Janette
8:07 pm March 21st, 2016

I lost my son to drug addiction 3 years ago. I will never be the same person and have many regrets for things I can now see enabled him! He was my only son and my best friend!! I feel like I will never know true happiness again! And now I am struggling with a daughter who seems to be going down the same path!! I do not think I could ever survive losing another child…there are also grandchildren that I feel responsible to protect!! I am not able to live my own life and cannot imagine living this way for one more day!! I’m sure I am making mistakes but dont know what to do!!

Cathy
6:25 pm April 2nd, 2016

Thank you for sharing, I too am a mom with a son who is battling addiction. I know how it all goes…the ER visits, lying, steeling and the desperation they live with looking for the next pose of relief, in fact recently had to start CPR on my son while waiting for the paramedics! It’s going to be a life long battle for him I see that and it breaks my heart. I love him deeply and know him to also be kind, talented, creative and loving. I see so many struggling with this!

Brenda
3:51 pm April 8th, 2016

my son is in rehab for 2nd time at 22. I’ve used tough love kicked him out. Spent thousands of Dollars on him. Now today he has a drug charge.

sherry
4:36 pm April 8th, 2016

Hi I got a court order and my 14 year old daughter was escorted to rehab for 10 days and she has been drug free for 35 days and is happy i went to court and had her placed in rehab she sees an addiction counselor once a week and she knows that every time she uses she will be sent back until she is 18 she was using weed molly meth she even tried heroin we are preparing to move to a new province for a hopefully fresh start because most of her friends are still using and she wants to leave them behind and start fresh and continue with treatment I am so thank full for a place to vent and i wish all the best and god bless you all on your journey with your children no matter their age they will always be our babies

Frances
12:43 am April 11th, 2016

I just found this blog and have been reading some of the comments. I have a 28 year old daughter who is a drug addict. She was arrested about 2 years ago and is in drug court to serve her time. After 3 rehabs and ridiculous amounts of money she is starting to straighten out. It has taken its toll on me and my husband. My husband is another story. He is an alcoholic that is disabled from a hunting accident. Basically has checked out of life and most of the clean up is done by me when it comes to the emotional baggage that drug addiction gives a family.
Right now I am feeling very low. I just read a letter my daughter wrote to me several years back about when she started lying to me. It was before the drugs and it involved a friend who taught her how to manipulate her circumstances to get her way.
This dark feeling seems to never really go away. It is always lurking around waiting for me to become vulnerable to the thoughts that make me sad.
There is no one to confide in. No Al-Anon close by. The support group I go to is 30 miles away. So here i sit just wanting to vent. Thank you for letting me say how I feel. Sometimes that is just what I need.

shellmatt
4:01 am April 11th, 2016

I was laying in bed one warm summers eve when my daughter came in and said, “Hey mom I used heroin 6 times.” I almost fell off the bed and things haunt bee the same ever since. My 31 year old daughter began shooting heroin at 27 years old and is now 31. I cannot believe she is still alive. She is so beautiful, had a great job, in nursing school, 2 beautiful little children and a new home.Stress came over her and she began hanging out with older men whom gave her money for favors. She had been on Oxo for 2 years for a kidney ailment, her doctor prescribed these drugs to her. She decided that bags of heroin would be much cheaper. She has been in and out of rehabs, went, escaped, left, stayed for a little time, and come home only to use again. This last episode put her out on the streets for weeks at a time with different addict, men, whom feed her drugs, alcohol, sex, and more drugs.As we speak on her now she is in rehab in NY. She co,plains that all the people there are crazy, not realizing she is one of those people. I thought she might get scared straight. She is not even aware she has just lost full custody of her 4 year old son. Her daughter is also with her fathers family. I went to feed her cat and noticed how cold her condo was and there was no more cable I see everything of my daughter deteriorating and falling apart, no matter what I and her father have done to help and support her. It is truly the mist devastating thing ever. I HATE HEROIN. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. IT HAS TAKEN MY LITTLE GIRL. I DONT FEEL LIKE SHE WILL MAKE. IT. I HAVE PLnned her funeral. This is just a very short condensed version of her addiction. I have been told by counselors and support groups that I am enabling her to DEATH. Please know nothing anyone else tried to do for the addict won’t help. Love and support is all you cn do and pray to the good lord Jesus. AMEN
THIS HAS BEEN A COMPLETE DRAIN ON OUR FAMILY, WE HAVE PAID ALL HER BILLS, HER CHILDREN CRY AND ASK WHY MOMMY IS SICK AND WHEN WILL SHE BE HOME, HER FATHER HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK,AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON. I AM MAD, ANGRY, GUILTY, PISSED, HURT, SAD, WORRIED, AND EXHAUSTED.

Tammi
7:12 am April 12th, 2016

My son told me today he was sorry, I said, “for what”? He said, “for a lot of stuff”! He says he is going to go to the police and get in a program for homeless people. I don’t know if it will be today, tomorrow or next week, but at least he is thinking and talking about reaching out for help. It is a glimmer of hope for me, and him. Time will tell, but I believe I did, and I am doing the right thing by making him stand on his own two feet or not. The choice is his, and his alone, but he knows I love him, and I am here for him.

michele
5:32 pm April 16th, 2016

my son went into a detox program he’s a heroin addict for the past 5 years he was clean for 30 days when he got out of the rehab place he told me he was going to a three-quarter home he need $125 and his bridge card which was $200 I believed in him and I should know better.I have never given this kid cash for his drugs I was really believing that he was going to a three-quarter home and I haven’t heard from him in 2 days.

ANGELA
8:01 pm May 23rd, 2016

Remembering sean dortch you tube is a video of my smart, talented, goodlooking boy whose choices were good until college. My son was a actor, model, graduated from all AP classes in a engineering program in High School. I watched him go from respectful, smart, ambitious, responsible to loved by all to barely passing school, blowing money he had saved from acting and commercials, He stopped listening and I could not believe it when at 19 I found out he was drinking, smoking pot, and trying other things. He would not go for treatment and denied having any issues. He was 24 when against many peoples advice he co