Monday November 24th 2014

Is drug abuse grounds for a Christian divorce?

Is Drug Abuse Grounds for a Christian Divorce?

I decided to follow my heart, experience, and understanding concerning this very difficult topic. There are many scriptures that support a wide variety of answers to this question, but as Christians, I suggest we must consider each scenario separately and spend much time in prayer to best evaluate the divorce question.

The short answer is: it depends.

God’s Intention for Marriage

Since God first instituted marriage in the Garden of Eden over six thousand years ago, I have to believe it is His intention that husband and wife live together until death.  Since God created marriage to be enjoyed by husband and wife, and it is His intention marriage be forever, this provides a sound basis to make every reasonable effort to achieve restoration and forgiveness in marriage before taking steps to dissolve a marriage through divorce.  However, the Bible does say that Moses allowed two reasons acceptable as conditions of divorce.

1. Sexual immorality (adultery)

2. Abandonment (physically leaving)

1. Sexual Immorality

Adultery Defiles and Corrupts

Jesus taught that adultery defiles and corrupts the one flesh union (Matthew 19). It becomes very difficult to ever trust a spouse once the deception and corruption of the marriage has occurred.

Physical, Mental, Sexual Abuse

I believe God never intended physical, mental, or sexual abuse inside the marriage relationship. I’m sure He is saddened by the sin nature of all man, and His preference is that no man or woman mistreat another. However, to think that God intended a spouse to endure such abuse is not understanding the love of God. God’s judgment will be harsh on any of those who mistreat others.

Drug Abuse Can Defile and Corrupt

Drug abuse and physical and mental abuse in many cases appear to have very similar consequence as adultery. Many times the family and marriage is in such chaotic disarray from these abuses that restoration is impossible (Having said that, I have seen some marriages restored after adultery, drug abuse, and physical and mental abuse. So it is possible to restore the marriage, but not often).

Hardness of Heart

Jesus told the Pharisees the reason Moses agreed to divorce for his people was because of hardness of heart. Marriage is a union of two becoming one and should take on the likeness of Christ and the Church. If one partner is abusive toward the other, or to the children, steps must be taken for the protection of all involved. Certainly, the abusive partner is not fulfilling their purpose of reflecting the image of Christ.

2. Abandonment

Free Will and God’s Will

God give us ‘free will’ and many people exercise their will against God’s directions and desires for their life. If a person chooses to leave and follow their addiction or mistreat their spouse and family, how can one be expected to expose themselves and family to the chaos that addiction and/or abuse brings.

Jesus Prohibited Divorce, but…

Jesus addressed the issue of divorce with the Pharisees in that he said he prohibits divorce for the many trivial reasons (other than sexual immorality) that were used so frequently in the first century, leading to widespread injustice, especially for women whose husbands suddenly divorced them and married another. Divorced women had to fend for themselves, which made it very hard for them to survive.

Sometimes you just have to move on

Being married to a wife who was previously married to a raging alcoholic, I have to say, “There is life after divorce.” My wife has served the Lord faithfully for many years and was able to rediscover the accepting love of Christ and move on with her life outside the chaos of her first husband’s addiction and abuse. She stayed trapped in an abusive marriage thinking God would judge her forever. She exposed her daughter and self to physical and mental abuse for years because of a well intended person from her church who told her she must endure the abuse, because it was God’s will that she stay married. Now, 28 years later, the abuse seems like a faint memory from a long ago past.

One last thought

I have counseled thousands of children and wives who have stayed in abusive addictive relationships. Many are still struggling from the devastation caused by abusive fathers and husband. Anxiety and fear have ruled their lives and only after many sessions have they been healed from the abuse of the past.

I conclude that drug abuse may be sufficient grounds for a Christian Divorce.

What do you think? I would love your feedback and opinions.

Photo credit: knowhimonline

Leave a Reply

212 Responses to “Is drug abuse grounds for a Christian divorce?
jessica
6:22 am August 18th, 2011

I SOME WHAT DISAGREE WITH YOU. HAVING SOME EXPERIENCE
WITH THIS I BELIEVE THAT IF YOU ARE NOT IN PHYSICAL DANGER
OR YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT IN ANY FORM OF ABUSE OR DANGER THEMSELVES MAYBE THE LORD WOULD ASK OF YOU TO BE LONG SUFFERING, PATIENT FULL OF MERCY AND GRACE FORGIVING . REMEMBERING THAT WHILE WE WERE YET STILL SINNERS CHRIST DIED FOR US. MARRIAGE IS FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE NOT THROWING IN THE TOWEL WHEN IT GETS TOUGH . MAYBE A SPOUSE HAS NO ONE ELSE WHO WILL BELIEVE IN THEM , WOULD NOT CHRIST DO THE SAME ? DOESN’T HE DO THE SAME FOR US DAILY NEVER GIVING UP ON US . RESTORATION AND RECONCILATION ARE ALWAYS POSSIBLE FOR CHRIST.

Dr Steve
5:34 am August 24th, 2011

Jessica,
I think we are saying pretty much the same thing. The real issue above is the extent of abuse. In my wife’s case, her first husband started over with a whole new set of abuse of his next wife and family and continued to abuse alcohol. His children are all impacted from both marriages. I contend not just physical abuse, but that abuse is abuse. Most people I see in therapy are still trying to overcome the emotional abuse from childhood. Many times 30 to 50 years later.

I think Christ is incredibly sad to see the abuse that people suffer. No questions He loves the abused and the abuser. I think the real issue is enabling. If one is not enabling, then staying with spouse and getting help – heading toward restoration and reconciliation is the best and intended direction for us all.

Sandra
12:12 am August 31st, 2011

I am married to an current alcoholic whom I found out after many years of marriage was also a drug addict. While I have chosen to stay in the marriage, I still have serious trust issues especially the the drinking is still going on. The drug use stopped because I put my foot down, walked out, and stayed gone until he proved to me he was clean and going to stay that way. He started drinking again but swears he’ll never do drugs again, which I find hard to believe. So is broken trust and doubt a reason to leave? I’ve done my best to give this mistrust to God and asked for His help to totally forgive my husband, but it is extremely difficult.

Bj
4:11 am August 31st, 2011

This article is interesting and so are the replies. I am a christian who did not find out my spouse was possibly an addict until after we got married. I have struggled with the questipn of divorce for a while. I had resolved to hang in there and trust God, however I recentlly found out that my spouse is not only using, but is using inroveinouslly now. I am concerned about healtj risks. I have watched our lives go on a downward spiral, my spouse is now a stranger. Wisdom vs. the law idk?

sroy
1:46 pm August 31st, 2011

The previous replies about being Christian and married to someone with a drug addiction show how heartbreaking the disease of addiction can be. It effects not only the addict, but thier family. The family is left feeling helpless over a situation they didn’t cause, can’t control and can’t cure. The family may be powerless, but God is not. Today there are solid Christian treatment programs that God is using to free addicts and thier families. Don’t give up. There is hope.

Michele
2:09 pm August 31st, 2011

I am in a very similar situation (husband addicted to drugs) and have done extensive about what my duties/rights are as a Christian wife. When is enough, enough, and when can I draw boundaries and stick to them while doing my best – through the strength of the Holy Spirit – to be a loving wife and honoring the marriage even when he is not?

This strife has been going on for almost 2 years, with trust issues and fear of what is going to happen next. The abuse if more emotional (not physical, but like Dr. Steve stated, abuse is abuse) as a result of his selfish desires. As a result, I am constantly hypervigilant and feel highly anxious at all times.

The abuse is more emotional because my husband is manipulative, a compulsive/chronic liar, and the fruit of his selfish motives do not result in love or love in the way that the bible calls husbands to love their wives (as Jesus loved the church). He will leave for 4 days/nights without calling (so who knows if he is being sexually faithful during this time), when he knows my requirement to earn back his trust is to do what he says, come back on time when he says, etc. We’ve done Christian marriage counseling but the reality is that I am doing all the work and he is not improving.

Dr. Steve Jackson, what do you think about the wife’s basic rights stated in the traditional marriage vows of “love, honor, and keep” as stated in Exodus 21:10-11 and explained articulately in the article by David Instone-Brewer in his analysis, “What God Has Joined?” I am very interested in your feedback.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/october/20.26.html

I have spiritually and mentally toggled with being patient and loving, remembering how Christ is with us (agreeing with Jessica’s posting above and remembering the vows, “in sickness and in health”), and finding the line between neglect/abandonment/emotional abuse as argued in Instone-Brewer’s article.

I think that drug abuse is not necessarily grounds for divorce in and of itself, but the aftermath or the effects from drug addiction can destroy the trust, respect, and love – the crucial foundation to any healthy marriage. The issue, then, would be the perspective taken on neglect and abuse (physical, emotional, etc.) as biblical grounds for divorce.

Been There
7:14 am September 10th, 2011

I naively married an addict unaware of his history. It’s been 8 years and we’ve lived apart for the last year. Two weeks before we separated, all of the extended family had a huge fast and prayer for him which culminated in his spiralling out of control, with a serious psychotic break that was dangerous and a subsequent arrest which put him into a long term recovery program. I was very grateful for God’s intervention at the time. While I’m forever hopeful he’ll get free from this bondage, I’m so grateful to live a life free of the abuse, neglect, insanity, betrayal, and constant drama. It’s such a relief. I love and care about this man but it’s wonderful to have peace and security in the home for me and the kids. I’m sure that a loving heavenly father wants us to be strong and to keep evil out of our homes. Our homes need to be sanctuaries, temples where the spirit can reside. We are the guardians of our homes. Having true charity for others includes having boundaries and standards that we maintain for our homes and families. God sets the example by setting high standards to return to live with him. I haven’t divorced my husband and I don’t know whether it will happen but I do know that I won’t allow abuse and addiction back into my home.

Help
11:53 am November 2nd, 2011

I am married to an addict, he has been to prison five times because of his addiction, and he still continues to use. Because he has so many felonies, it is impossible for him to get a job, even at the temporary services, and he uses this as an excue to coninue to use. He is no help in the marriage at all. I pay all bills, and run the household. He is not trustworthy to do anything, and then on top of that, I have to put any thing of value in a safe, becuase he will still the money I need to pay the bills, and then come home as if nothing ever happened. I am so tired….I have prayed night and day for the Lord to give me an answer to the question of divorce, becuase if I stay with him I am going to eventually lose everything that I have tried to build. I really do believe that he does not love me, he is just around for security and food. I do not know what to do. I have only been married for 7 months, and it is getting worse.

lorraine
8:27 pm November 11th, 2011

How about a husbband who uses drugs and violates certain things i.e uses his wife’s information to try to obtain credit for himself?

Lost
3:26 pm November 14th, 2011

I think alcholism and drug addiction is definitely grounds for divorce. And Lorraine, it is DEFINITELY abuse with what your husband has done. That shows a total lack of love and even human decency to do that and is criminal behavior, for which YOU will suffer the consequences, if he racks up bills on your credit that go unpaid. Any other person he did that to would throw him in jail. I know my Jesus and my God never said that marriage should endure lies, abuse of ANY nature, overlooking evil and criminal behavior, or mistreatment in ANY form. In the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend says that the Lord talks of limiting togetherness for the sake of binding evil. I believe that if we turn a blind eye to the behavior of an abuser of ANY type, and allow not only ourselves, but others, namely children, to be subjected to it, we are just as guilty as the abuser themselves.

deb
5:10 am December 11th, 2011

I left my husband 16 months ago on my first day of nursing school when I confronted him. He went crazy tore our beautiful house apart and then went to my mothers abd slashed my tired. Long story short he went to jail for a month and when he got out I took my two kids and left him. I only believe now after rehab and being forced to live in his parents basement that he is getting cleaned up. I rented out the house and put our stuff in storage so he would not be able to go there anymore and get drunk or high which I know he was doing cuz I caught him. Everytime he would deny he did anything. His family has not been supportive at all. His parents don’t call me and ask if me or my kids need anything or do his adlt sisters. He is working a lot now but my problem is that he says he loved me and these kids but leaves me withh all the responsibility of taking care of them. I am out of what waas a bad situation and don’t know what to do my family does not like him or his family at all. I am so scared to put myself back out there and he ruin me again. I believe in 2nd chances but lord knows I do not trust him. I am no longer afraid of divorce but I ust don’t know if its what I should do. I don’t trust him enought to get back into a living situation with him right now but want to give him another chance for my kids and that is the honest truth. I myself aknow that I am better off without him. He still trys to manipulate my emotions but I have changed me by giving him tough love which I started in the summer. He is self rightous and I hate that. He truly doesn’t desreve the kind of decent woman I am. What do U the readers think? Please let me know. Peace on earth

11:56 am December 14th, 2011

Hi Deb. I really feel the way that you are torn between trusting your instincts versus trusting your husband. You are doing a good job!!! Asking the right questions, and considering what is best for you and your kids. Keep it up!

I do think that keeping distance from your husband right now is wise. Perhaps you can require that he meet milestones in sobriety in order to build trust again…if you want to give it a second try. For example, ask that he go to 90 support group meetings in 90 days. And get a sponsor. Otherwise, I’d suggest that you go to Al-Anon and get the support that YOU need.

deb
1:52 pm December 14th, 2011

I am really suprised at how hard he is working now. But he does need to buy himself a new car so who is to say what will happen after he gets one. I have talked to theapists and many doctors that I work with and many people have different views. Almost al the physicans that are my friends say give it another chance cuz if u don’t then u will never know. I am not intersted in being remarried or having a man in my life to fill my. My priority are my daughters and I don’t want to take away the wholeness a family offers away from them. I am having a hard time getting past his families lack of regard for me and my childrens well being. His father actually told me to divorce him once, and I just couldn’t believe that. Almost as is saying leave us alone we are tired of this situation. Mind u he has a sister that just became divorced and we live in a small community and around us it ruins a families reputation. But that is what his crappy parents have said to me. One day in Apris he was supposed to pick up our first grader and never got up to go. I sent his mother to our house and he called the police on her. Her response to me was leave me alone, get out of my life, and I want nothing to do with u. As if I were not looking for help for HER son. I try not to subscribe to hate but I promise u these people are not good catholics. Oh and did I mention they go to church every sunday and their home is like a mini church. So what do my fellow bloggers think. I appreciate any insight u have for me. Thanks for taking the time to read all of my drama. May the lord be with you all and bring peace to your for your troubles. Deb

alexandria
7:34 am December 22nd, 2011

well I just read through all of the other post, my story is slightly different from all the others. My husband is a occasional drug addict. meaning he will about every 6 months leave for 2 or three days , sell his phone, he used to sell his car radio, take money from his last little check and dissapear. He says that when he starts drinking it makes him want to go out and smoke crack. My issue is that, we are both christians, he doesnt drink or he is not supposed to drink, we both read our bible and pray everday. since we have been married he has stopped drinking. Now he’s hiding it. My question is how do I forgive and when do i stop not trusting. that last time my husband did this binge he took our rent money, now we cant buy gifts for christmas , he lost his job, and so did I because I was so stressed out. he says he done this time. But now i just cant trust him. I dont want to kiss him, I cant stand him. Im trying to make it work but im scared that i dont have anymore mercy for him. I feel like he will do this again. I told him I cant handle this one more time. How do you forgive?

SeekingSerenity
9:21 pm December 28th, 2011

Hi everyone,

I have read the article and all of the responses to it. I am in exactly the same situation as everyone else. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have 2 children. Our daughter is 10 years old and our son is 4 years old. I noticed that my husband was acting strangely but I did not know what was wrong with him. I kept trying to talk to him but he would not talk to me. I reached out to his mother and his sister but they insisted that they did not know anything. His sister has been really nasty to me since early in our marriage and I have never understood why. My husband disappeared in July 2009. It was not until this disappearance that I realized that he had a drug problem and the extent of the problem. I used to love my husband dearly but I’m not sure if that is still the case. The man that disappeared in 2009 was not that man that I married and loved. I am financially capable of taking care of myself, the house, and the children. However, I was devastated by this whole ordeal. I have become a member of my churches drug and alcohol ministry and the kids and I are slowly healing from this. I believe that the Lord orders my steps but I just dont know what to do about this situation. The kids and I pray for him and healing for this situation every night. It has been 2 years and I still do not know where he is. However, He calls us and sends me text messages that says “love you guys” and “Love always” but he wont tell me where he is. He used to call me from his sisters house but she claimed she did not know where he was. Then he got a cell phone that is registered to a rabbi, and started calling me from that phone. I Googled the name that showed up on my caller id and found out the registered name was to a rabbi. Does this mean he is trying to get help? I dont know? I changed my cell number and then was forced to call his mother from it and then he suddenly had my new cell phone number. Again, his mom and sis claim that they dont know anything or where he is. His mother called and wanted my kids to visit with her for a few days but I refused because I dont feel that I can trust her. Its obvious that she is constantly lying to me. However, I told her that she is welcome to come and visit the kids at my house. She has been over to visit the children many times. In one of the last text messages that he sent me, I responded with its time from us to divorce you and move on with our lives. I told him that he needs to pay child support and then never contact me again. He responded with “sorry you feel that way…Love always. He wont admit that he has a drug problem at all. Again, I dont know what to do. It has been 2 years. The kids and I are recovering and moving forward. What should I do? Should I divorce him? We are not in any immediate danger but emotionally I feel stuck. Even if he got healed at this point I’m not sure that I could trust him. And after 2 years I’m not sure if I’m still in love with him but I will always love the person that he used to be, the person that I married. Any comments or responses are welcome.

Thanks,
SeekingSerenity

deb
9:02 pm January 4th, 2012

I am so so sorry to tell you that the time has come to move on. In my situation I am waiting for the other shoe to drop so as to no longer have a choice. Ur guy has made the choice for you. I’m sure the last two yrs without him have been hard but I bet more peacefull also. I know my time seperated has. Uhave already shown u can hold ur own and he has already shown that a family isn’t what he wants or can’t handle right now. He has not gotten the help he needs to get better and so that must ans ur question. It is ur life and if ur ok living in limbo then no one should judge. I’m telling u all u have to look at are actions not words. Words are meaningless and and free. Action requires work and energy and that is what u must watch. So all the I love yous don’t mean a thing. This is my perspective being someone that has a husband that has chosen to romance drugs before anything else. God bless and keep safe.

HurtingHeart
9:25 pm January 6th, 2012

A little over two years ago I found out my husband was doing things he shouldn’t be doing. He was drinking, doing cocaine and out partying with friends 3-4 nights a week staying out all night. I knew he was doing these things because he did them openly. He said that he could handle the “occasional high” and that he could do whatever he wanted with his money. I spoke with a divorce attorney a few days before our 10 year anniversary. I told him on our anniversary that things needed to change and I was sick of what he was putting me through. He promised to change and said that things would get better, and they did for two years.
Then a few months ago I noticed the cocaine triggers again. His behavior changed and he started showing signs of use (stuffed up nose, high energy level, dialated pupils, etc.) He started a new job and opened his own bank account. He gives me a small amount of money each pay period to pay the bills and said he’s lucky to have enough money for gas after he gives me the bill money. I found a bank statement of his and his checks are substantially larger than what he says and he is blowing a lot of money. He always lies and tells me he has things to do and goes out to buy his drugs. So he’s lying about money and where he’s going. He “runs up to the store” which is 5 minutes away but there’s always a huge traffic issue where he’s “stuck” for 30 minutes and can’t be home. It’s all an insult to my intelligence.
Is he physically abusive? No. Is he emotionally abusive? Besides the lying, no. Could he get by lying? Sure… I only know what to look for because he’s done it before. Is he hurting the family? Yes and no. Yes, by lying and sneaking around and harming himself. No, because you wouldn’t know (on the outside). So what do I do? Do I keep praying that he’ll stop self-destructing? Do I just ignore what he’s doing and pray he’ll stop eventually? Do I confront him and suffer the consequences (the yelling and screaming, threats of divorce, etc.)? Do I leave?
Besides the obvious lying problem, our marriage isn’t bad. Maybe I’m just fooling myself or I’ve learned to accept the hand I’ve been dealt. I want to do what God wants me to do… but does God want me to stay in this situation? It’s so hard… sometimes I just look at him, or hear one of his many lies and I just want to vomit. My heart hurts and I cry and beg God to help me. I just don’t know what to do…

deb
4:46 am January 7th, 2012

I love this blog and respond all the time. I’m so sorry ur heart is hurting. I will tell you that God does not intend for us to suffer, but suffering is just apart of being human. My mother always says “put up, shut up, or get the hell out. Right now I’m the hell out of there. So for you this is all a matter of how much you want to tolerate. Is your husband only romaning drugs and nothing else? Do you feel life he would be violent if he weren’t high and getiing his drugs? Eventually drugs will take over. All addict must have something tick in their heads before they realalize that they are powerless over the drugs. Start saving some money and fast. Get all of your jewlery out of your house and anything he could sell and make money from. Addicts can become very desperate and they lose their conscious in the process. Make sure u keep yourself and children if they are involved safe. Watch intervention. No cable? Rent the dvds at the library. God bless you

Kristi
2:16 am January 9th, 2012

To Hurting Heart: I read your post and just had to respond. You ARE being emotionally abused! Take a deep breath, don’t get defensive and re-read your post. If the consequences of you verbalizing your concerns with his cocaine usage are screaming and yelling – that is emotional abuse. Remember, in a healthy marriage, either spouse should be able to say “hey honey, it makes me feel bad when you do XXX” without being in fear of violence. “Besides the lying problem, our marriage isn’t bad.” I feel for you because I was there! God does not like liars. Revelation 21:7 NIV – notice the list of those people who will be sent to the fiery lake of burning sulfur includes “all” liars. There are some other pretty rotten people on that list, but the only word that got all in front of it was the liar. Dear one, we want to find a reason that we should hang in there because we love our husbands, but a marriage without trust is not a marriage at all. And let me ask you this: you mentioned children. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that its okay for a wife to be lied to? Do you want your son to grow up thinking its okay to lie to his wife when he grows up? May I recommend the book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick. It is a wonderful, scripture based book that helped me immensely. The first step is identifying that what is happening is not okay. The next step is removing yourself from the situation. I told my husband to get help or move out. He moved. I started counseling for myself. I surrounded myself with support in my church and with friends. Our whole church has been praying for my husband. I filed for divorce after 5 months because every time I saw my ex, he tried to justify that his drug use (that marijuana is okay because here in CA, we have the disgusting lie of medical marijuana). After I filed, he realized I meant business and he started seeing a counselor on his own. We are still separated and our divorce is still in process, but he is making more progress now then I saw when we were together. If it sticks, I may cancel the divorce, but if not then I will move on to make a healthy life for myself. Remember that addicts tend to have more in common with a tired 3 year old than a healthy adult. Establishing clear boundaries will have a better chance of working than giving them whatever they want to try to make them stop screaming and it will give you relief from the chaos so you can put your own heart and mind back in order. I came across this site because I needed to be reminded not to fall into the old traps that the addicts set for people who love them. My ex wants me back and it is hard to stay strong all the time. I miss being intimate with him and having his help around the house and someone to watch football with, but I need to keep the reality of his addiction in my sights. And I need to trust that God has a plan for me and its wonderful. Jer 29:11. God has a plan for you too, Hurting Heart, which may or may not include your husband; but for now you must keep yourself safe and healthy.

HurtingHeart
4:47 pm January 12th, 2012

Deb and Kristi,

Thank you for your words and posts. I’m beyond feeling defensive :) I have told absolutely no one (except God and this blog) about the problems in my marriage. I fear the emotions of friends or my church family… those looks of “awww the poor thing” or the changes in peoples actions and words to me and my husband; being shunned. If we stay together I don’t want people to treat him badly. I see the struggle going on inside him. When he’s high, he’s high… doesn’t have a care in the world. After he comes down I see the struggle, I see the guilt in his eyes and heart. That’s what keeps me around. Then the addiction kicks in and the cycle starts again.
I do have kids. They (and I truly believe this – if I didn’t, I would leave) have no idea. Dad is just Dad. He doesn’t yell and scream, he’s just a normal guy who grew up in horrible circumstances (which he stopped the cycle and doesn’t continue on with his children). He gets defensive (which I assume all addicts do) when confronted about the problem. The reason I don’t want to confront him is because I’m afraid he won’t choose me. He did last time…. or did he? If he leaves me, will he get worse? Or better? Will our children suffer if we divorce? Will God forgive me? I realize the pluses and minuses of getting a divorce. I understand what the Bible says. But am I supposed to be in his life to help him through and love him through it or am I supposed to be yet another disappointment…. someone who left him? Didn’t believe in him? Didn’t love him through thick and thin?
Kristi – I will read the book you recommended, thank you. I know that God has a plan for me. Right now I am safe, just not secure.

InLimbo
9:51 pm January 13th, 2012

Hurting Heart,

Your situation is eerily similar to mine. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We have two amazing children. They also have no idea. As you said, Dad is just Dad to them. Despite my depressed state at times, they have no clue there are any problems. My husband struggles with pills and unfortunately has injected at times also. He comes from a truly sad past and took himself out of it years ago but is still haunted by it all. People say I make excuses for him and that might be what I’m doing but I know he is a good man with a severe problem. How do I leave him. I have stopped talking to anyone about it a long time ago because I didn’t want them to think badly of him either.

His addiction started just prior to our marriage due to an injury and has been up and down ever since. He has been on Suboxone for three years now and I thought he was doing well until a relapse in July. He started selling his suboxone to pay for his “weekend” drug habit. This has sent me into a downward spiral. I can’t trust anything he says anymore and I’m always scared to confont him because as an addict he is prone to turning it all around and making the argument about anything but his habit.

Once the signals start (high energy, sweats etc.) I panic and can’t figure out what my next move is. I’m always making open ended threats of divorce knowing that I won’t go through with it. Constantly giving ultimatums to force him to clean up but It’s like dealing with a child not doing what he’s told knowing mommy won’t punish him so he does what he wants. I have gotten myself into my own addicted paths of checking his things and phone records. I’m constantly looking for proof, like it would make a diffrence if I have evidence. Either way it hurts the same.

I too see the carelesness when he’s high and the regret and suffering when he comes down. I know how much he loves me and our children but his drug addiction has become the other women in our relationship. The betrayl and lies are becoming too hard to overcome. I’m always saying that without his addiction we would have an amazing marriage/life. It’s so hard to know that and have no control over what happens. I fear for his health and if the day were to come when I have to explain to my children that Daddy got sick. I’ve tried everything, taking his phone, money, keys all of it. But after this last relapse I have learned that there really isn’t anything I can do. If he wants to use he will. It’s a sad and horrible disease and it’s one that the devil is winning.

My husband starts an intense bible study next week with our pastor and I pray that God will lead him into a life of morality because I can’t live like this anymore. I have to give it all up to Him and trust that he knows what to do.

FrogTN
1:10 am January 14th, 2012

HurtingHeart – your posts sound so much like what goes through my head everyday. Second guessing ever decision that I make, thinking I’m losing my mind. What will he do without me, what will God think, etc., but the point is I do not believe God wants this for us and the question will your children suffer if you divorce. Think about what your children will suffer if you don’t get them out of this situation. I don’t know how old your children are but I can tell you not only is my husband an addict but now both of my children are as well. Is this what you want for your children, do you think this is what God wants for you? It is our responsibility to teach our children right from wrong, choosing to stay so he continues down this road is not helping him and not helping you. I have decided after 28 years (only last 5 has my husband been an addict) to leave. He is not willing to get help and I can no longer stay. Trust me, leave him while you still care about him … the longer you wait like I have you will grow to resent your husband for what he has put you through. Good luck.

Deb
2:43 am January 17th, 2012

We are still seperated after 16 months, he just got a car, and I am expected to graduate from nursing school this may. He is telling me that he can no longer live with his parents because all they do is hound him with the wrongs that he has done in the past. I told him point blank that I don’t feel that he has reached any milestone of sobriety. Just this week I felt like he had been using at least twice, which probably means that he had been using all week. He said that he hasn’t been sleeping which is why his speech had been slurred a couple times and the reason he looked exhausted . I don’t trust him, but I would like to at least trust that he wants to be clean and sober. I am willing to work on the rest of the trust issues I have with him. I told him that if he can’t live with his mom and dad that he needs a half way house. His response is that he is not a ping pong ball. He was crying and telling me that no one wants him. I love him and really want him to be well for himself and kids. I don’t see it happening. What I do see is someone that is not living comfortably and still trying to manipulate me. I talked to his father today and told him that I would not be taking his son back, even if that is what his son is leading him to believe, or if their plan as parents is to make the situation as uncomfortable as possible so as to push him on me. It just wont work anymore.
These people have been horrible to me. They have showed no regard for me or my kids. We do not come from this kind of cultural community. So many people know what they have done to me as a way to retaliate for me not wanting to take their son back, and they still show me no regard. BUT what they do want is for me to take their son off their back so he can be my problem and not theirs. They think I am not on to all of this. My husband didn’t get up and go to work today. I have not heard from him even when I called and texted, he never responded. This is how I lived with this man for 8 years. I never knew what the next day was going to bring me. No one should have to live this way. I am asking God to lead me in the right direction. Every night before I go to bed I ask that the Lord guide me. I want my family back together so bad, but only if it’s going to be a different life. I have taken drastic measures in the last 16 months to ensure this, but I doesn’t seem like it is working out. If anyone can tell me what they think about this your comments would be greatly appreciated. I am a catholic middle eastern woman. My husband and I were both born and raised in the US. I still do not want to be divorced. I swear this guy is not giving me a choice. I love him. I know that his heart is good, but that it is being taken over by something powerful and dark. Doesn’t good always prevail? Why will the addiction deamon not leave my husband alone. I am so sad. I feel so miserable and I’m not even with this guy. I have taken all of the right steps. I have changed my behavior so that I may get better results and I always find myself back at square one. What in the name of Jesus do I do about this situation. I read something that said “God either says Yes, No, or Not Yet”. All I can come up with is either No or not yet. I can make a decision now to divorce him, but I am afraid he will harm himself and that I will shatter my kids hope of reuniting our family. We have a beaufiful family, but only on the outside, not on the inside. Drugs are the Devil and I don’t know what do do anymore. My heard can’t take anymore.

Trusting God
3:20 am January 18th, 2012

I first would like to thank you all for the courage of sharing your lives and experiences in this subject which is so hard to live and so hard to undertand for others… I was getting ready to go to sleep but my heart felt like i needed to do some research in this matter… Iam married to a drug addict/alcoholic, lived together for about 8 years, I accepted Christ in 2010 and decided to get married, since we were attending church regularly. Reading your stories touched my heart…. fear, not knowing what our next move should be, hiding, enabling, controling… it was hard for me to come to this conclusion, but all lwe can do, at least I did, i continued living with my husband and our now almost 8 year old daughter, giving him and our marriage to God, attended Living in Victory classes and learned that my idol should no be my husband, but the only one i should depend on, worship and live for is HIM, God!
Well, my husband accepted Christ in Feb 2011, got a sponsor , started to take medications for his bipolar disorder…. life was good…. one day, he decided to drink, lost control and broke into a neighbor’s house and stole jewerly… out of nowhere….
I was in shock, upset, embarrased ( still am)…but you know what, I trust my Lord, my Father, that He allows things to happen for a reason… not sure what His plans are, but I am certain that they are better than abything I could have thought for myself and my family.
My husband is currently in jail waiting trial. It took me a couple of months to really fogive him, but I did, but it does not mean that as soon as he gtes released he will come home… I did not bailed him out, i told him that he needs to pay the consequences to his actions, repent and look for God, because at this point of his life only HE can get that addiction from his life… I love my husband, he is an excellent father, husband, provider, but ovbously, his heart was not 100% for the Lord. Divorce crosses my mind, but you know what? I can not rush to make such decision, I am leaving all this in God’s hands… He will show me the way. Afterall, when I decided to marry my husband, besides the ovbous love we had for each other, I did it for God, because living in a relationshiop withour marrying, was a sin, and I am still waring my wedding ring, and will continue to do so, not for my husband, but for God, because the covenant, the commitment, the promise of marriage we did it to Him too.
Ladies, I pray for each of you, that God brings you comfort..Focus on him, use this time to get to know Him more, read His word and see what He wants you to be for His Glory

God bless!

cole
10:29 am January 18th, 2012

I am an addict and my husband as well. Meth is our main drug though weed and alcohol too. We are not your uaual meth addicts I am a bank teller and he a logger. I use every day in a year there is an average 3 or 4 weeks that I dont snort meth. 14 years of marriage 4 with out meth replaced by alcohol. 1child she is 9 I aam 36 . I no longer in love but still care I want a divorce I dont see any lther way .he thonks there is.
I want to honestlu do this right but am lost and I dont trust anypne. Help

deb
5:31 pm January 18th, 2012

Cole my dear u must follow ur instincts. Stay safe with ur child. U must realize that if u don’t get out and make changes ur child is at a higher risk for addiction. I know it is easier said than done but I promise it can be. Leave or get him out. Life will not work out this way. There will never be a successfull drug addict and there never has been. Its hard yes but God does not intend for u to live this life. Right now the darkness is winning. Please stay safe and get some help NOW. If you don’t you won’t live long enough to be with your child. I’m sorry its true. God bless.

InLimbo
1:51 am January 19th, 2012

Trusting God,
I just want to thank you so much for your post. Your clarity and calmness is pooring off the screen and has somehow given me a sense of relief. Your words have truly given me a much better exceptance of my decisions and just overall made me feel better. It’s not an easy lifestyle we live but it’s the one that has been given to us. I think I’m finally ready to truly give everything to God and trust in Him to lead myself and my husband in the right direction.

Again, thank you for posting. Your all in my prayers.

Dr Steve
3:36 am February 1st, 2012

Great discussion and sharing.
I hope you have all found something that has helped.

Sometimes sharing our heart, we can reflect back at what we have written and find our answer. What is right for one, may not be right
for another. Our life situations may seem much the same as others at times, but truly they are unique to our situation.

Trusting God is always the best advice one can give.

Using God’s wisdom and courage will get us through whatever we decide. Life is about decision. Many times those decisions can be very difficult.

Just remember He (God) will never leave us nor forsake us. He will always forgive us and guide us if we are listening.

Donna
4:51 pm February 2nd, 2012

I have been waiting on the Lord to give me direction on leaving my husband. He drinks and does drugs and I can not take the mental, emotional abuse anymore towards me or the kids. I have three children living at home, older one is not his and two younger are his. Before we got married he had taken Jesus into his heart as Lord and savior and went to church with me and the children. About 5 months after marriage he started drinking again( after 1 year sober) and also drugs. He is very emotionally abusive to my older son (11) and myself. When I try to talk to him it blames me or my son for his actions. I am verbally and emotionally put down all the time and he does not care id the kids here this. I want to leave and I want him to get help, but that will be up to him. He treats me horrible and has his family thinking it is me also, they are in denial. I just want to take my kids and wrap my arms around them and never look back. I have been praying and asking for Gods direction…waiting on what to do next.

Deb
2:01 pm February 10th, 2012

Donna you must take responsibility for yourself and your children. You can not make your husband treat you and your kids the right way, that is something he must want to do. I know I have been there if you have been following this blog than you will see. KNOW that there are no accidents. You must look look inside yourself and ask the hard questions. I am not saying to file for a divorce, but you will need to remove yourself and your children from this situation for both you and your childrens physical and emotional well beiong. I have to say that I don’t put any action past anyone, especially not someone that is altering their mental state by pumping drugs into their body. And this goes for anyone. My husband was abusing me verbally, stealing money, and jewels that can nevers be replaced. It took the divine intervention of God that brought me to the place that I am at today. We are still not divorced, but seperated for the last yr and a half and that is ok. I have been raising my kids with the help of my mother and sisters, and putting myselt through nursing school. Soon all will be well for me if he ends up in the picture or not. Never underestimate the power you have over your own life. Yes God is there to guide you and show the path to go down, but it is up to you to follow. I struggle every day with wheather I should take my husban back or not. Knowing I will never fully trust him. I will always look over my shoulder with him, but I believe that everyone deserves a chance at redemtion. You will not be able to have a fresh srart unless you destroy the wrongs that are happening now. Yes it’s hard, but it can be done by anyone. Suffering is part of human existance, no one is exempt. But I promise you not Jesus, Budda, or any other spiritual figure wants this for you or me. Stand firm and MOVE FOWARD. Peace be with you and yor kids.

so confused
4:40 am February 17th, 2012

Reading all this really has helped and I welcome any advice. My husband and I have been married for two years. When we got married he was clean and we moved across country. He wanted to try to get pregnant right away and we got pregnant on our road trip across country. The moment we arrived at our new home he turned in to a complete stranger. He dropped me off and left.he came back smelling like cigarettes. I was mordified he had not smoked the entire time we were together. In the coming months I was left alone almost every night I was scared and pregnant. If I was not pregnant. I would have left him then. During my pregnancy I caught him talking to old girlfriend s and finding naked pics of them on his phone. I never conciderd drugs since military gets drug tested that was untill after we brought our son home my husband started smelling funnny I searched our garage and found synthetic Mariana. I threatened to tell and get. Him and all of his friends drug tested. Since I have found containers from the fweed in my house twice in less than a years time. I have called the police once because he punched me but I drooped it so he would not loose rank because we need the money. Any friends I make he forbidden me to talk to. He gets off every day at five thirty and never comes home till after eleven. There is just so much wrong can’t even list it all. But just when I thought things could not get worse I found out he was abusing pills I always knew since we moved there he was drinking behind my back. I could not take it I packed up our son and left across country to stay with my parents. Now he says he wants to stay married but I need too live here. I already have a job lined up and my parents are more than willing to help me get my feet on the ground but I will need child support. I am unsure if I should give in so easily right now he is in our home with all my possessions God hates divorce but does he want his child to live like this and how can I raise a Godly son in that enviorment. My husband’s mouth is so voulgur. I know my church family is suspicious but I just don’t know what to do. I am very young my husband as well. I don’t know if I should hold out and pray for a change; while living miles apart and allowing him to run up even more finical debt meanwhile he is not paying a cent for our son. Or should I just bite the bullet and divorce him? I am so confused I still love him and want our family but I will have to answer to God about how I raised my son.

HurtingHeart
2:05 pm February 17th, 2012

So Confused,

First of all, I would like to say that I believe that you have done the right thing by leaving a bad situation. You are not only protecting yourself, but your son as well. I am/have struggled with what God wants in my life and my marriage. I am staying with my husband at the present but I also do not face the same challenges that you do. God dislikes divorce but God also dislikes a man who abuses and does not care for and love his wife as Christ loved the church.

Now, since you are apart from him, you should consider filing for a legal separation. This will help with custody issues with your son and will also address child support. It can then be brought to the militarys attention that you and he are no longer together. Filing separation papers will protect you, protect your son and can also help to return your items to you that are currently with him. The court can order local law enforcement or even the military police may be able to help you by escorting you to your residence to collect your belongings.

I will keep you and your son in my prayers and also pray that God will restore your marriage if that is His will. You have done the right thing by leaving an abusive situation. But please remember one thing (and I speak from experience). You cannot change him. Only he can change himself. You can support him and his desire to change, but until he is ready to make the changes for himself, he will never be sucessful.

deb
2:38 am February 18th, 2012

100% true. I couldn’t agree with hurting heart more. Sounds like you have been living like a hostage. I’m dead serious. I’m so sorry for all of the wrongs you have endured. I don’t believe that the Lord wants u and ur precious baby in that situation. If he did then he would have never given YOU the COURAGE to LEAVE this very sick and addicted man. Continue to live in your truth and know that the lord will lift you up to get through this no matter what happens. You are doing what he want. Don’t doubt it. God bless you.

In Gods hands
11:06 pm February 22nd, 2012

The topic of addiction is such a hard one. I feel for all the wives who are currently in these situations and facing this giant. Know that God is in control and releasing our husbands into Gods hands is about all we can do on our parts (as far as changing them). I am in the same situation. Married 10 yrs, 2 children. My husband is addicted to benzo’s. He is also lost and walked away from God several years ago. Throughout our marriage there have been bouts of prison terms and relapses. The last 4 years he has been in the contsant relapse cycle clean couple months than binge weekends cycle continues. Addiction and emotional abuse from my perspective always come hand in hand. Trust breaks down in this continous cycle. Leaving us with constant stress and anxiety. Sometimes letting go and letting God is what will finally release us from the bondage of our husbands disease. I have prayed on this and God has encouraged me to release him and let him go. That may be divorce in some situations for me that means seperating and laying down boundries. Addiction is a disease of the brain. the addict needs to want to first quit and follow through. I know God can reconcile any marriage. Be strong and seek the Lord for all direction but by no means stay in any type of abusive relationship.

Dr Steve
3:48 pm February 23rd, 2012

So Confused
I commend the strong support you are getting from these precious women who have made tough choices in the lives. Their advice is spot on Biblically.

No one enjoys having to make such tough decision. But sometimes letting go and releasing our loved one to God’s hands is the best and only healthy thing we can do. In return, we get to witness our own growth of maturity in faith through the process.

Best wishes and prayers

Adam
1:00 am February 27th, 2012

Yes i have a major problem with this. If someone was looking for a way out, they tend to seek after the answers that give them that reason and you have concluded that even though God hates divorce and says that it would only be for the hardness of your own heart that one would want to seek after it as GOOD. I tell you that my guess is that a lot of people seeking after divorce, have not done all they can to save the marriage first. I agree that if you are being beaten on. Probably a good idea to separate, and set some boundaries, There are always two sides to every story. Mediation is a great place to start.

In my situation. I am the one with a drug problem. I am clean most of the time and have done much work on myself and always seek to do better and be a great husband to my wife. But every 3 or 4 months i have a relaps. I hate that i do that for me and all who watch the pattern because when i am clean i concider as do others including my wife to be a strong Christian. The attack to a spiritual Christian is most often does not the same way to one who is a carnal Christian. My take is that a lot of carnal Christians are not worth attacking because they they just dont have real great Godly understanding. No matter how much they may appear to. When tested, All Gods true desires and messages tend to go out the window and arent recovered for quite some time if at all. The forgiveness and understanding of what God has truly done for them and asks us to do for others, just isnt there.

I think in conclusion the matter mostly depends on does that person under the gun want to repent. Change. Boundaries need to be set, but in a healthy way as to not have one person dictating to the other just how things are going to be because they said so and thier heart is so hard theyll walk in a blink unless one submits to strife stirring demands void of the trump of all scripture LOVE. Its love that changes the heart, for real. If that wasnt true why did jesus come in a way he did and all His commands pretty much go against what the flesh tells us is right. Jesus comands slaves to love their masters even if the master is not a nice one. I think he expects even more from someone who has made the desision on their own free will in front of witnesses and in an OATH that God actually says not to do but Hey. We do it anyways. LOL. Oh the flesh is week. I am one as human as all the others. I have met God in the spirit in a very big way. But man do i still struggle. sometimes.

My wife has abandoned me way way more than i have ever abandoned her in a very emotional way. To the point where i think i can call it abuse. So should i leave my wife because i have a hard heart. I have not done yet all i can, and i have done A LOT. Way more than she has, but somehow i always end up being the bad guy.

I love my wife with all my heart, and God has commanded me as husband to do so. Do i not follow the command God has given to me because my wife is not following the command she has been given. Repay evil with good is what the bible says. If you arent being truly loving because you are waiting for someone else to do all the changing. Than the chances of you being living in Gods Spirit of love probably arent there and in that case one might remove the plank from their own eye first before they think about seeking after something God says for one that he hates and for 2. Marriage is supposed to be sacred. What does that mean, around here. Not much and marriage among Christians is no different really from marrige among none Christians. Thats not good. There is a lot people claiming to after God srent even trying to get. Jesus also says that those who love me obey my commands. We cant earn our way to heaven and that it is a great gift from God. We should not deceive ourselves into thinking we can just do whatever we want and be foregiven. God sees the heart. Humans can be so easily swayed one way or the other depending on the situation.

Go ask some pastor what should i do to have a christian marriage. and build the foundation on God. You will get scripture. The truth. Now bring in your story. And watch how mans biaste usually runs the show from that point on. God no longer is as important as when someones own personal experiance gets in the way and they start teaching others. That to me is very scary and telling of the times we are in that are also written about. The days will come when people will turn from SOUND doctrine “the Bible” for ear tickleing. A form of Godlyness it says, But not real. I could go on and on. But in conclusion if love is not involved in your heart as Jesus loves and forgives you. There is a lot more to look at. please excuse my spelling, lol. What do you think?

Adam
2:56 am February 27th, 2012

Ps. Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven. I find that once people take on a role as counsilor or a place in the church as a pastor or elder. More cases than not the job can become about covering your own butt because God forbid one should give godd Godly direction to the flock and something goes wrong. People like to crusify. They crusfied Jesus for goodness sake. So if you are obediant to God and follow His commands and you get killed by your husband or your wife for that matter. Yes to all us here on earth it is very sad and tragic, but if we really are in touch with God we can rest knowing that one who would be so obediant to our Lord has absolutly nothing to worry about. But will be rewarded according to their faith. And FAITH is really what its all about. Faith and Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is love. How many of you that think you are giving a pretty good effort in and fail by Gods standards want to be given up on and treated like you arent even worth the love of the person who Swore to spend all of life together with? Do unto others as you would have done to yourself. Amen,

In Gods hands
7:36 pm February 27th, 2012

I don’t believe many of the posters here are first seeking divorce. I believe we all are seeking God first. As being the wife of an addict sometimes it is difficult to find othrs that are also in the same situation that are also trying to find Christian perspectives. Before taking any one elses advise we must all seek the Lords guidance for our own situations. My husband is not a beleiver in Christ which makes it much more difficult to allow our marriage to have a biblical foundation. Does that mean I love him less or that I do not follow Gods commandments absolutley not. Love covers over a multitude of sins for all. I know the Lords plans are different for every marriage in this blog. Does that mean we just let whatever happens happiens? No we have to seek Gods direction and put in the work. Healthy boundaries are something every marriage needs. Not so one can have control and dictate but so there is a mutual understanding of what could potentially hurt your spouse.or be disrespectful to the marriage. God commands that you should have no other Gods before me, a drug that has that much control over Gods children becomes the idol. It makes my husband very irrate angry vulgar and evil. I believe God wants us to confront situations in a loving manner and also I know he does not expect us to live in a situation that is abusive. Especially for the sake of our children. Time and time again I have confronted my husband to please seek counseling seek help. I myself have attended marriage counseling alone. Do I seek divorce no. I know God has plans and promises for my marriage. I know my husband will be delivered from the bondage. But I will follow through with a seperation to seek Gods healing and continued direction as my husband now has to seek change if he chooses. I will remain true to my vows and will never stop praying the intercessory prayer for my husbands salvation and delivernce from the hold of the world.

Dr Steve
9:02 pm February 27th, 2012

Adam,
You raise a number of issues. Too many for me to address in this forum. If you would refer to “Been There”, I think this lady expresses a balanced approach to a healthy Christian life. As you pointed out setting boundaries is important. I believe it is absolutely vital to be able to stop the chaos and to stop the patterns of behavior, so that any relationship can find harmony and love.

I have worked with so many spouses and adult children who have endured the issues of abandonment because of addictions, by a parent who was never home, or when at home created a tenseness that still haunts them today. In any one week, I have at least 10 clients who have anxiety, depression, or total chaos in their life; all who have an unresolved past with an addictive parent and the nightmare stories that are carried around.

Please understand, I have no knowledge of your family relationships or your behavior. This is not meant to be an indictment on you or anyone.

Some times it’s like I am there to help pick up the broken pieces of generation after generation of dysfunction because they were told to stay in an abusive marriage and don’t tell anyone about our family secret of addictions.

From your second set of comments it almost sounds like you are saying that if we are murdered by our spouse then that’s OK, because we refused to leave based on our vows, and ultimately God would rather have us honor our vows than to protect ourselves and children.

Is that what you meant?

A.Rivera
4:35 pm February 29th, 2012

ANYONE who thinks you can just put your spouse in a christian drug program is mislead. They cost thousands up front and anyone with an addicted spouse knows that extra money is not around when addiction is involved.And please dont say outpatient because getting them to admit there is a problem is bad enough much less getting them to go several times a wk to grouo.

In Gods hands
7:12 pm February 29th, 2012

Dr Steve
Thank you for that insight. It is such a factual statement for those who grew up with a parent that was an addict and for those who now have spouses that are also in addiction. Especially for those who are faithful followers of Christ it isn’t a discussed topic. God can lift the heavy burdens of emotional abuse associated with addiction. We have to only let him take the reigns open heartedly. With Gods help I will stop the cycle for my children. God is already moving mountains as we speak.

Adam
3:44 am March 1st, 2012

I think that when you know 100% that your life is eternal in heaven and you truly believe that. All that really becomes important is following Gods commands for us. If God was more concerned with our safety in earth, than His higher purpose. He wouldn’t have put the deciples in the predicaments he asked them to do. Which was ultimately risk their lives for something so much greater that most a lot of people don’t get and certainly wouldn’t advise as being a wise thing to do. Ok God says. Go to these hostile people and preach to them about me. They are going to eventually kill you, and the rest of your life as you know it on earth is going to be pretty much hell on earth. But God says don’t worry. Do what I command and I will take care of what NEEDS to be taken care of. What God sees as important is a lot

Dr Steve
6:13 pm March 1st, 2012

Adam,
In the bigger picture of the Gospel, I would agree with your comments and calling we all have as Christians.

But we are also called to be leaders and walk Christ like throughout our lives. Ultimately, if we measure our own behavior with the Fruits of the Spirit versus the fruits of the flesh (Gal. 5) and always ask ourselves “What would Jesus Do?” then we are on the right track.

He also teaches us to be responsible and accountable for our actions, that we are the Salt of the earth and the light of the world. His disciples went out in His name, being Christlike and ministering to a lost world. They lost their lives on behalf of Jesus.

Staying in a marriage that is abusive impacts many innocent people. To do nothing but take the abuse, because we are Christians, will continue the cycle of generational sin that will go to the 3rd and 4th generations.

I guess my passion for this topic is based on the years of counseling so many wounded, dysfunctional adult children that struggle to survive their life before getting to Heaven. Their parents did nothing to get better.

Many people never become Christians because they conclude “What kind of God would allow this to happen to me? I’m not interested in your God”.

Below is a link of a recent article on addictionblog.org that I believe describes the heart of those impacted.

http://alcohol.addictionblog.org/effect-of-alcoholism-on-children/

Thanks for your comments Adam. I think we both agree that we must seek help to change the patterns that cause so much pain to others if we are not able to accomplish that only with Christ. That Christ is working in us all to transform our minds and hearts to love one another as He loved the Church. We may just disagree on how to accomplish that goal. And that’s OK. It certainly challenges our own beliefs and as well as for other readers.

My prayers to all

tracy johnson
1:14 am March 2nd, 2012

I have lived with an alcoholic and drug addict for 30 years now. I continue to stay focused on jesus and what he would have me to do to encourage others and I am a prayer warrior for others. Just living in the same house I find it more and more difficult . I feel oppressed and depressed. wondering is this it? Is this the life I have to live to serve my Savior. If so, I guess God will say its enough when he says

loretta
10:01 pm March 2nd, 2012

My husband is a heroin addict. We had been together for 7 yrs, married for 2 of those yrs. and I was 6 months pregnant. We moved in with my parents to save for a down payment on a house. He spent all of our income on drugs. He will not take responsibility for us in any way financially or emotionally. He has neglected our son since he was born. This is not the person I agreed to love and cherish. There is no marriage left. I have been nothing but supportive, he has done nothing but lie and deceive. I am divorcing him, my heart is broken. Drugs are the only thing he is faithful to. I know God does not want this for us.

loretta
10:03 pm March 2nd, 2012

We had been together 7 yrs., married for 2 of those yrs. and I was 6 months pregnant when he started using.

Dr Steve
6:30 am March 3rd, 2012

Loretta,
Thanks for your comments.
It must be very hard for you to finally make that decision. I will pray for you both. God still loves your husband, but until he surrenders, he will most likely suffer the consequences of his actions.

Trusting God
1:48 am March 5th, 2012

I find very interesting all your postings since the last time I wrote…. I pray for all women in my situation and also for the husbands that I know are hurting and struggle with this evil thing called addiction…
But let’s not manipulate or misuse God’s word please. I love God and am learning everyday more about Him and His word… Only HE knows each one of us and our hearts, and as much as we tell others or apparent things, we sometimes end up involved in a life is not real.
The decision to leave your spouse, divorce your spouse or stay with your spouse is such a personal and so very important decision, that should not be taken slightly, but in any decision that we make we must have God and go to Him only for guidance…. HE does talk to us, but we have to be willing to listen.
God bless you all :)

Deb
1:45 am March 6th, 2012

I must say that for the last year and a half I have struggled with question of divorce. I have told you all that we have been separated for a while now. I don’t care to be married to him anymore, even though I still love him. He made being married to him so awful that I am crippled by fear. I don’t care for his mother, father, or sisters. So what the hell am I debating. How can I try to salvage a marriage that I feel like has almost reached a point of no return????????????????????????

Adam
8:04 pm March 7th, 2012

First off i am not trying to be argumentative here,but shed a bit light on my view what i know of the gosple and what i see on the earth.

First of all in my opinion, probably the same preety much as the world has always been. People don’t really do that great of a job of following God. We are our own worst enemies when it comes to that because we look most often to ourselves to solve the problems. ie. God gave the law to Moses. Even after miracles performed that were pretty amazing, and made believers in the our Mighty God. People within a seemingly very short period forgot that God was taking care of them even after He assured them He was.

My point is that somehow. Despite what God says he is doing just isnt good enough for most humans. We are not patient enought and are severly lacking in trust and belief. Its the human condition. Take up your cross each and every day and suffer for the THINGS of christ. God says marriage is sacred. I am guessing sacred means extra meaningful.

The gosple for most is extremly watered by the way we act on it, and beleive in it. Its become a sort of meshed up mosh. To fit our Christianity into the available resorces in the world today. Do we really believe that God will take care of punishing those who “deserve” punnishment.or do we take it probably a little more to the extrem of dealing and figuring it all out ourselves. I know that when i am living in the true. Meaning my heart is soft and humble altough always a bit doubtful wheather God is actually going to help Me. And when i take up this spirit although still human and trying to take things a bit into my hands, only moments later God reveals that He was already on it, and had taken care of it. God lets me know that he is in FULL control. I really didnt have to do a thing but be in the spirit to see Gods wonders.

All the times in the past i have tred to explain this sort of stuuf to my wife on my understanding of God….and how he works. I am trying to get her to see it my way, actually i believe it is His way, but try and tell her that, or others for that matter. My efforts are most always a tad in vain. I get nowhere, but people thinking i am nuts. And ive done tooo many drugs.. All the things people say when they cant understand. But i have done this many times now that i have written the letter i wish to be heard and then i dont send it. WOW. I was heard loud and clear anyways. Almost imeadiately my wife had taken on an understanding loving approach to all my complaints about her dealings with thing about me. If she had gotten my letter. She almost 100% would go the opposit way and the letter, even in good spirit made her less likly to be any resemblence of understanding. But God got the message trough loud and clear. This amazes me every time. This type of thing happens in my life all the time, and i shed a tear because i see my doubt in something i have no busness ever doubting. If God said it. We can count on it. The end.

In these times we know more than ever before, Im pretty sure by humans standards. about how to lable ones condition. How to lead them to a helpfull resource. Lawers, Dr’s, Counsilors, this drug that drug. In this case this in that case that. But what i see is that the world is just getting worse and worse.

Did Christ use wisdom in letting Judas be the money changer. I thought Judas was the theif. I am pretty sure Jesus knew this. But was he expelled, or thrown into jail. God does the opsit of what we would do in tough situations. When the deciples died for Christ. They died for His purpose. Same as in marriage. The purpose God has for His people is keep your word. If someone else brakes theirs does that give you permission to break yours? The bible says that if you are not for his purpose than you are against it.

My belief is that God changes hearts. Look at Paul. We would have had him put to death. God made Him a leader. Submission to God will is the best way to lead. Without it. He is not working in us and others as he pleases by our own invitation. I know how difficult this is. Man do i ever. I am the worst of the worst. But i get it. Obedience to the decrees of our Lord, with love in our hearts, believing what God is capable of and knowing we have been promised etenity in heaven.
What can harm us with God at our side. Who can harm our family when we believe In He who knows us all. We need only Believe. Generational sin Stops with whoever stops it. Many times it stops with the severly abused. And that persone will win many.

Dr Steve
3:18 pm March 8th, 2012

Well Stated Adam

Amen
4:47 pm March 8th, 2012

Amen, Trusting in God. Amen. My guess is that when you really have God your heart will really Change and what seemed impossible is made more than doable. The devil speaks too. Alot more than God. Those who know Him hear His voice. We most often chose not to listen because the louder voice “the Devil” also speaks a whole lot more, in my opinion. When we listen to that voice, we harden our own hearts, and separate ourselves from Gods Devine intervention. We all do it. some just keep doing it. We NEED to live in the Spirit of that what IS GOD. Love. Love doesnt seek to give up. If it did. We would all be doomed.

Child of God
1:27 am March 15th, 2012

after 19 years of marriage and 5 children together, i had left my husband and filed for divorce, he was very abusive, an alcoholic and would abuse meth,cocaine , oxycotin,vicodon, anything he could and believe it or not even food. He would binge eat. Our entire marriage he has struggled with one addiction or another.He was very controlling and jealous. and would go into fits of rage, and was arrested once for domestic violence for beating me with a red rider bb gun( which did not work, they did not get to the root of the problem ,his addictions.) after 19 years of the ups and downs of this i had hit bottom, i do not use drugs, but they were controlling my life,: i do not cheat, but im exposed to std s . he had numberous affairs , i was brought up catholic and was brought up that divorce was unforgivable.so i began to contiplate suicide. i just could not find the strength within to continue,i would pray for resolve,i felt very unworthy. i did not know what was the worse of the evils, staying with him, or going to hell. and i was even concerned for his soul, would i be condemding him for the divorce too….. I left and filed for divorce nearly a year ago. i had to start my life completely over, i had left with only the clothes on my back. and what i could get for my children….. but im happy and have finally some peace in my life,, but most important my children do too

lyn
2:58 am March 21st, 2012

I have been married for almost 10months and been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. We have a daughter who is 18months old and I am also 6months pregnant. My husband has been addicted to crack-cocaine on and off for aprox.10 years. I was aware of this problem as being “in the past” and saw no signs of abuse during our dating. It was when our daughter was born that I began to notice a difference in his behavior and catching him in frequent lies. Still though, when I confronted him he would tell me bits of truth, me not knowing the depths of his addiction until later. We were not living together, even though we had a child, waiting until marriage to do things “right’. I believed every word he said. His sorrys, the tears, his conviction to God. During this time I clung to the Lord and prayed endlessly. He asked me to marry him 9 months later saying that he had received “deliverance from God and that this was what he was being called to do.” I fully believe God can heal at a moments notice and thought that my husband had really been reaching out to God and was sober. I was so hopeful and trusting I said yes and one month later we were wed. It has been downhill since. On our ‘honeymoon’ my husband left me in the hotel all night while I was ill, didn’t return until the next morning, proceeded to drink and got physical with me. He got arrested for domestic violence. I felt so embarrassed I quickly wanted this episode to be over. I forgave him and wanted a fresh start. It wasn’t until I had fully moved into his house that I noticed the depths of his addiction. Violent behavior. Lies. We have been to counseling, I have reached out to his family. But I have become the perfect scapegoat to his problems. He lies and says we have “communication issues” that I have “anger/violence issues.” It breaks my heart to hear the lies he spews when I try to reach out for help for our marriage. There have been goodtimes and when he is sober he is a wonderful, charismatic man. But those times have been few and far between. He now blatantly does not come home some nights, calls me terrible names in front of our daughter and has put his hands on me several times. Pregnant and not pregnant. I have left the house several times to stay with family members but this is like a vacation for him to do what he wants. I will admit I have called him names/pushed him out of the way if he is coming towards me in a threatening way. I pray constantly and believe my faith has kept me hopeful. Waiting for the man I fell in love with to come back. Finally though, this last time he did not come home I told him he had to leave. He has been out of the house for almost 3wks and it has been peaceful and happy. I feel healthy. No drama. No yelling. No lying. No crying. I feel like me again. He has an open invitation to join us for family meals (which he has barely made an effort to attend) and is enrolled in drug counseling. Which I required for him if he wants to come back home. Our interactions have not been joyful. He picks fights with me, yells, spends family money foolishly, and today threatened to “beat my a**.” Becomes extremely hostile if I confront him on any issue whether it be me saying – please be more conservative with your spending- or -a family member said they saw you out late last night and you didn’t seem well-. I feel like I have been placed in a whirlwind of his messy life and want out. He is relentless in his lies and manipulation. I wish he would do better, get his act together and have a fresh start so badly. But I am emotionally drained, anxious and exhausted. I don’t believe God placed me on this earth to be my husbands punching bag. I am stuck and do not know what to do. I would love for things to work out but I see no end in sight. There is so much hurt, turmoil, distrust. No love. Should I call it quits or keep hanging in there? I fear I am setting a bad example for our daughter and do not want her thinking a relationship like this is normal. I am confused and fed up. I would love some words of wisdom from fellow followers of Christ Jesus.

Adam
5:29 am March 21st, 2012

Lyn. That sucks. Reminds me in some areas of my own marriage. It’s sad the people we can become when drugs are present. I assure you that your husband is getting away with nothing. God will corrrect, and convict if a man if God is who your husband is. And if not. You can win him over to Christ by your behavior. Lol. Not an easy task I know. But very true and a leap of faith in obedience to the Lord is what will make the impossible easy. The Lord will meet you there. And if not. Don’t stop cause rewards in heaven are being stored up for you.

My words of wisdom are find out what God wants you to do as a follower of Christ, and as a wife to a husband. And Do. And when it gets really hard. Call on Jesus name for every once of strenght to do the impossible. Keep obediance to God as your focus. Seek it with all your heart and mind. All your strength. And be patient. Find what joy in the Lord is all about. The Lord will meet you there.

Other stuff if that diesnt change your life. If no change. Set some strong loving boundaries. Tell him how it is. You need him clean. Long term.

Adam
5:53 am March 21st, 2012

Sorry miss send.

Long term. If he loves you. He will meet your demands. do not abuse this because then you accountable. He needs your respect. So its got to be loving and respectful. Tell him once he has done a good chunk then you will speak to him. Again. He is the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Firm but loving. Let him know what’s waiting. If you keep being good and respectful. Encouraging but firm. You’ll get your man back. He may make mistakes. His own guilt will get him if he is trying to put stuff over on you. Your niceness is like hot coals upon the head of someone taking advantage. If none of this works, God will take care of it in his own way. You just follow God. The God you know from the bible. In the Holy Spirit. Not the God people twist and turn to fit their own comfort. I’ve probably gone way too far. This is not my blog, but you did ask for Christian advise. Have faith. Act on your belief. Don’t pray for your husband to get better and cancel it out with conflicting actions to your prayer. Ask and expect. Because you are His child. For real. God is your daddy. Wow. All truth, or can be be. God bless your family. In Jesus name., let it be so.

help me
5:51 pm March 23rd, 2012

my situatin is a little different than most i’ve been with my husband for 4 years married for 2 my husband is a functioning alcoholic he has a good job and goes to work but at home on his nghts off he will sit in the recliner watch sports and drink a 12 pack! We have two children a 3 year old that is ours and i have a 6 year old from a previous relationship we barely talk at night when wer home usually he sits in his chair and im on the couch i go to bed alone practically every night we are not intimate but possibly once a week im 24 and he is 28 he went to rehab just before our son turned 1 we were engaged at the time and i stood by and supported him. I’ve become very angry as he also deals with anxiety and depression i want to love him bc hes my husband but i find myself hating him more and more each day. every couple months he tells me hes gonna quit drinking and go to meetings but it never happens if he does go it lasts 2 days at the most im exhausted from dealing with it all i have recently began looking for a councelor bc i feel like im a horrible person but i feel like staying is killing me! hes not physically abusive and he’s actually a good dad. I just started working before i was a stay at home mother for the last 3 yearsi work 6 days a week now and he constantly complains that my job is straining our relationship but i want to scream no your alcohol is i just dont know what to do anymore my family tells me to leave and his mother begs me to stay she prays for him everyday and always tells me hes going to change but i dont believe it ive caught him talking to his exgirlfriend on numerous occasions the last time was a year ago he swears nothing ever happened with her but i dont believe him. recently ive found that he has been watching porn on his phone which made me feel as though there is something wrong with me since he only wants to be intimate once a week and always tells me no or not now when i iniciate it. i dont think we were ever meant to end up together we started out as friends and ended up sleeping together a few times when i found out i was pregnant and told him he decided we should try to make it work but iv always felt that im the one making it work and hes just there not sure what advice you can give me but i need help ive recently started thinking about seeing a divorce lawyer ive thought of divorce more in the time we’v been married than ive actually been happy it sounds so pathetic when i say it out loud i know i said for better or worse but at 24 i feel like the whole world is on my shoulders and if i let it fall i will not only disappoint myself but everyone else i dont want to be miserable and unhappy for the rest of my life but im afraid of what happens if i leave can anyone help me??

Sara
11:38 pm April 9th, 2012

Reading through these posts, some of them could be excerpts out of my own life. I have been with my husband 12 years, only married for two. I knew from the start that he had issues with drugs and alcohol but I was so in love with him since I was a young girl that I chose to ignore them. His mother told me he would grow out of his problems and I hoped that our love and our children would help. But after this many years, although he has made some strides, they are very small in the whole scheme of things. I stuck by him through prison, through affairs, through many a separation, broken promises, broken furniture, broken hearts, and of course the lies. I’ve caught him looking at gay porn, most recently what appeared to be teens and when I told him I was concerned our children may have been exposed to it on our computer, he said “is it going to kill them?”. I have supported him financially through most of our relationship, especially the past few years. Even when he works, he gives me little money and then when his share is gone (usually after a weekend away from home where his car is parked at the bar for three days), he insists I buy his alcohol/drugs. When I refuse, he acts out. Last week he put four holes in the wall of our apartment because of a bottle of Jagermeister he bought on my debit card without my permission and I hid it and wouldn’t give him more money to buy another bottle. I have separate accounts from him due to his misuse of money. Otherwise we would be homeless and his answer to that is “as long as we have each other”. He claims to be a Christian and yet in twelve years we have never attended church together. I see our 9 year old twins starting to act out. They are afraid of their father as all he does is yell at them and is a horrible role model. My son told me last night that his father told him it was his fault that we fight- the day he said that we were fighting because he was scolding my son for taking a bath too long in the morning while he stood there with shampoo in his hair and when I told the boy to get back in the tub and rinse his hair, my husband came and told me to stay out of it, that it was none of my business. I’ve come to the conclusion he will never change, that he is God-less despite his claims and sometimes I even think he is soul-less. He refuses to leave our home or to give me a divorce and so I have stayed. I have nowhere to go as we live in a very small/over crowded town and there is just no place to move that is within my means unless I go to a shelter. So after the hole punching, which would have escalated had I not called the police, I have now filed for a restraining order. I have not seen this man sober for an entire day in well over a year. We no longer are intimate. I think he lost another job, and if he is not going to take care of his family and is going to make our lives harder then I just don’t see the point of him being there. I still struggle with if I should divorce him or not. I really do not like him but I will always love him. But he uses my love against me.

Sara
11:51 pm April 9th, 2012

I forgot to mention that he didn’t even call his children on Easter yesterday but when we discuss divorce, he uses custody as an excuse, stating he wants 50/50 custody and to pay no child support. He lives under the same roof as us right now and doesn’t even spend 50% of his time with the kids. They were on spring break last week and he didn’t even know it until Wed. night even though he saw them every day. One of the big things I worry about in living with an addict is the dangers of having drugs in your home with your kids. I worry about this often. I worry about police finding out what he’s doing and I also worry about our children getting their hands on it. I told myself for many years that this was my cross to bear and as long as he was willing to stay with me and try then I would as well but though he stays (at his convenience), he does not try. We went to counseling and he lied to the counselor. Denied doing drugs even though he went to prison for them and denied having a drinking problem. It’s hard to see when your whole family is addicts though. His own mother sat there and told me that anyone who takes xanex is weak, that it’s perfectly fine to do them for recreation but if you need them then there is something seriously wrong with you and you need to get over yourself. It’s all about self medicating to cover up your problems, stuff them all down, don’t talk about them, keep a smile on your face and don’t air your dirty laundry (which means don’t tell anyone your husband hits you or cheats on you). You can probably tell I am just fed up with this. The man I am currently married to is not the man I fell in love with. On our honey moon, he waited till I fell asleep, took the gas money I had in my purse for us to get home on and went to the bar and drank Jager until I woke up and discovered him sitting at the bar in our hotel. When I got mad, he threw beer bottles all over the motel room, there was broken glass in the jacuzzi in the room. I knew right then that I would regret getting married to him and I have. I feel that at 35 years old, I am getting too old to be married to someone who acts like a spoiled toddler and I am tired of living in a cramped apartment when we can easily afford a house where our son and daughter can have their own bedrooms. His solution is continue to blow hundreds of dollars a month and make our son sleep in the living room.

Trusting in God
8:01 pm April 11th, 2012

Sara I am sure most of us who have posted our stories can relate in one way or another. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I can totallly relate to your circumstances. God can definatley give you the strenght to get through all the confusion, doubts, unstableness in regards to your marriage. You can only account for you and your children esppecially with a husband that has a different set of priorities. And its unfortunate that they do not often see the bigger picture only the addiction. No one can really tell you what to do but offer up some encouragment and helpful advice. If you are currently seperated I think that is best for you and your children. It gives you time to seek God for answers/direction without the over whelming presence of your husband on drugs. It takes time to heal to trust to love. But God does answer prayers. Sometimes its hard to see past the current but I believe God allows the trials so we can learn to turn to Him. My husband is currently in jail and I believe it was God who allowed for that. Its tough to make decisions that can change the direction of what we thought life would be. But its not our will but the lLords. Remeber God has a plan for you and your husband. I will be praying for you to have a peace beyond your understanding through your situation.

scott needs help
5:31 am April 13th, 2012

The problem I am having is completely my fault. I am addicted to drugs and I am the worst husband to my wife and she has given me more chances in our marriage then I can count. We have been married for 3 and a half years and together for almost 5 years now. We have separated once before a couple months ago because I was caught by my parents stealing Dvds for cash to help support my drug habit on top after already being in trouble for embezzeling cash from my job and losing my job and all the financial stability we had which was barely surviving and borrowing money from my parents to keep up with bills. When she found out about the Dvds she separated from me and threatened divorce but it ended up that she took me back after I was living with my parents for a month and I felt like I was finally starting to get past my addiction until I thought she was going to leave me. I started stealing again and got caught shoplifting and my dad bailed me out of jail and I was home that night. The very next day my wife came over not knowing about what had happened and she started wanting to hang out and was being lovable towards me again. So I started to get back on track and we ended up getting back together and things were good for a while also I haven’t mentioned we have an 18 month old daughter and then I got a job making some money and it was enough to pay the bills life was finally getting back to normal. I am a Christian not a very good one though but I am struggling with addiction badly it has consumed and destroyed my life. God has been there through all my ups and downs. My wife gave me one more chance this time and I truly love my wife and daughter more then they will probably ever know. When we were separated the first time I really needed her but she was so angry and hurt by me from all the lying and wreckless spending and drug use she couldn’t be with me. For me I was completely destroyed and she didn’t support me at all. I cant blame her though because I pushed limits I know were there. She says I chose that over my family which is true I wanted to stop but I couldn’t I tried to get help and it takes so long to get in a lot of places. But for me there is nothing more impoortant to me than my family. It was just that I was powerless over my drug use and every day I felt horrible for treating my family this way. I don’t even know why I cant stop and for me I love my wife so much but from all the things I have done I never thought she was coming back but she did and my prayers were answered. When I started working again I was conversating with the employees there and almost everyone there was on some sort of drug. After only a few weeks I started doing pills and then I started running out of money again. My wife also started noticing a change almost immediately. I know everything that was at risk and when we would fight she would ask me if I was on drugs and I would lie because I was scared I was going to lose her. Things started to get bad fighting lying hardly ever home everything she didn’t deserve. Bills started piliing up and j couldn’t stop. So once again to try to keep everything going I stole money again got caught and lost my job and more charges of course. I was so scared that I ran before the cops got there and warned my wife that the cops might show up and told her what was going on but wouldn’t tell her where I was. I was scared I was going to jail and could never get out and lose everything along with my family. All I have ever wanted in this life my wife and child I thought everything was over. Finally I had to drop off the car to my wife and got my truck and when I got there I was greeted by my wife child asleep and I was a guy who was scared hoping for some kind of hope. I told my wife I wasn’t sure what I was going to do yet and she told me turn yourself in it is the right thing to do and then my wife got up from the bed came over to me kissed me probably the best kiss in my life from her and said I love you and said go see your child before you leave and decide what to do I did just staring at her and thinking to myself God please help me and I went back to my wife’s room and she said just know if you turn yourself in atleast you know we will be here for you and be able to see you and that we would be ok. So I left that night to decide and get some sleep I woke up the next day and my mom finally got a hold of me I was a mess and crying and scared finally ready to do the right thing. So my mom took me to turn myself in said she would bail me out and then I would get treated for my addiction and try to finally stop all this drug crape and start living a stable life for my family. I went to jail and I needed 250 dollars to get bailed out. So I’m thinking ok well I have a chance to get out and start going to treatment and stiicking to it finally be the man I want to be for my family so I was waiting to get bailed out and after I called mug mom there was no answer several times. Finally I called my wife and she told me that she didn’t think they were bailing me out they didn’t have enough money so I was waiting till Tuesday when I got paid thinking I could get my wife to bail me out but it didn’t happen. So by now I realized that I was completely abandoned and nothing I could do I was devastated. So Wednesday I finally got a hold of my mom and begged her to get me out I was litterally going crazy with fear and unworthiness but once my mom asked to get treatment and go to stay with them I agreed to get out of there plus I wanted the help. So I am going to leave the jail and on my way out I here a metal clanking hit the ground and didn’t think nothing of it turns out it was my wedding ring went back to find it and it was gone. When I got to my moms house I asked about my wife and they said she was upset and didn’t want to see me right now everything I hoped wouldn’t happen just came true not that I can blame her she has put up with a lot but I was completely destroyed unemployed no way to do anything about it and trying to recover thhrough treatment to be the man that she wants and I want to be. A couple days later I she finally agreed to see me to talk about everything and I told her everything and she said she want a divorce. I don’t know what to do except stay on the path to recovery but j don’t want divorce I don’t believe in it and on top of that I really need her right now and everything is just not getting any better except I stopped my drug use and I just started ttreatment I don’t want to lose my marriage but there is nothing I can do and I cant imagine life without her every time I need her for problems she has started to just leave me and I just want her to be there and work it out some how some way but I think this time it is to much for her. What can I do I trusdt God I pray but I need some advice to make everything successful again some body please give me their advice.

Stewart
1:41 am April 14th, 2012

I am a 28 year old female. I will be 29 in two months. I have been married to my husband for 7 and 1/2 years and together for 9. we have a 2 year old child.

My husband is addicted to any type of painkiller, xanax and to cocaine. He denies it. He admits it. It just depends on his state of mind at the moment. He has been actively using on and off (mostly on) for 6 years now. I have been with him through hospital stays, detox, methadone maintenance programs, NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery and a host of other things.

He still used.

This year he got a DUI and possession of sched. 2 felony narcotics charge for pills while he was out and driving around at 3am. He stayed 72 hours in lock up and then his parents bailed him out of jail. His car was impounded and they also got it out. He has to pay an attorney $4,500 to represent him in court to keep him out fo jail.

He stayed clean for about 2 weeks and then he used again.

You know….I try really hard. I do Al-anon and read the books and pray and talk to my pastor and stay and love him and take care of him.

I thought God wanted me to stay with him because I got pregnant while using precautions 3 years ago. I had left him for yet another relapse and been gone for 2 weeks when I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant.

I thought a baby would make him at least WANT to do the right thing.
I can’t……I just cannot bring myself to do it anymore. I want to be happy. I do not need another soul in the world to make me happy, but I do need safety and security.

I cannot bear another drained bank account or calling hospitals all night or looking to see if he is in jail when he disappears for a day or two days or three days.

I cannot bear to come home and find him face down in the carpet barely breathing because of too many pills. I WILL NOT allow my child to see something like that. I love him too much for that.

I WANT my marriage to work……I really do and I believe most of us do but I just cannot do it anymore. I want to be happy and live life.

I love my church and my pastor but I feel like I am going to be leaving the church because my husband and his family have attended the church since its inception 25 years ago. I will miss them horribly.

I just can’t do it anymore. I need peace and I cannot have it with him here. If that makes me weak, call me weak.

I still pray for my husbands deliverance from drugs. I pray daily.

I do not think my loving God wants me to be in a marriage that is emotionally and mentally abusive. The lies, the manipulations, the anger, the yelling…that is all abuse. I do not think my Lord wants me to stay in a place that I am scared to come home to because I am in fear of finding my husband face down on the carpet dead.

I’m sorry for all of you who are suffering the same plight. It’s hard and I’ve finally lost me resolve and my will to make it work.

I read something…it said,

“Do not judge my path if you have not walked my journey.”

I believe this with my whole heart.

Adam
7:32 pm April 17th, 2012

Scott. I too am in much the same boat as you. Been together with our wives the same time, been married the amount of time, We have both recently taken from our parents… I am 38 now and have been doing the struggle thing for waaaaaaaay to long. I have been a fool in so many ways i can tell you exactly how to get your family back.

I am in the process of doing the very same thing as i am going to tell you to do. My wife says now that its just too late, but i know if I do what i NEED to do and never, And i mean NEVER use again. Time heals all wounds. Its prooving time buddy. And not the quick fix. That just doesnt work. It can but if you are serious about nipping this in the bud, and really lovung yourself and your family. Make the big sacrifice NOW. Do it once and not twenty bandaids like me. Hey man i have put my all into some pretty good treatment centers. But there is nothing like going through all the seasons in a Christian mens treatment center. Teen Challange is where im thinking.

And most important. Stay. Your wife in time is going to see how well you are doing and she is going to miss you, and shell probably complain a bit or lot about money. And you are going to want to be the man. The hero. Save your wife from her pain. But dont do it. STAY. Chose you and life before your wife. She will respect that in the longrun, and the longrun is what marriage is all about.

I love my wife too more than i can really put into words and do my feeling any justce. It is more than a feeling. I act it when i am doing well. For me its every 3 months. Built it up. Tare it down.

Its no easy road man but if you give it all to God and give Him all you have now. There is no guarentee in life but that will give you your absolute best chance.

The kid thing is a killer. I too have an 8 year old son. I cant bare the thought of not seeing his first year of ball. I feel like i am going to puke every time i think about missing this and missing that. But over the past 5 years or so i have missed soooo much because i didnt do it right the first time and i really thought i had.

God, My wife. My son. They are my everything but i havent stayed clean yet and i do not enjoy the drug. I hate it with a passion. But it loves me. Most days the temptation trys to creep in there and i am way too strong. Buzz off. But let me tell you that if you are a man of God, The Devil wants to destroy anything that good has deemed good. Marriage is high up there on His list. Life will ware you down, and Satan will be waiting to drop the big one on your weakest day.

Fall on your knees grab onto whatever is there and pray and keep on praying until you have a break enough to go find some to vbabysit you for a while. Youll want to lie, Your mind will try its best to say your ok. That is pride. Do not listen. Talk someones ear off and reveal your most secret plot to get that drug and the feeling will go.

Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.

Find all the best scriptures that explain who you are in Christ and memorize them exactly how they are written.

You will get your loved ones back man. I have been reading a lot of the proverbs lately and see way way too much of myself on the foolish side. Take wise counsel man. Be humble and take direction. Its not easy but it will save your life. Ill be praying for you and your family. God bless you my brother.

Deb
4:02 am April 18th, 2012

My dear Stewart,

YOU are doing the right thing. You are a good christian woman and you have done right by your husband. I undersand you when you say that you want a life with someone that offers you protection and security. I too feel the samething. I left my house 19 months ago after my husband and I lost everything because his pain pill and alcohol addiction took him over. We have 2 daughters also. I have struggeled wtih divorcing him everyday since, and I still cannot come to a conclusion. Most of me wants to be free from this man. He has caused me so much pain and disappointment for what a husband is supposed to be. My prince charming turned into the prince of darkness. I’m with the last guy. Get on your knees and pray to the Lord, and he will continue to guide you in the right direction. I think you are making the best choice and that you are a good wife and mother and chiristian woman. Time will tell you if he is brought out of this darkness. Let him finaly try to save himself. You can be loving and supportive but you do not have to stay married or living together. The energy of your body is telling you that you are doing right and so is the universe. This too is God. My heartr goes out to you, because I can feel your energy through your words and I just want to say that I feel you sister friend. Peace and love be with you.

Deb
4:14 am April 18th, 2012

Also I would like to say that my husband is a recovering. He lives one mile from my daughters and my mother and sisters. The girls spend one night a week there. I still suspect he uses alcohol. He does not work the program. He has just begun pshycotherapy for depression. I am trying to do as much as I can to bring my family back together, but I also understand that it may not happen. During the first year I would envision us back togeher in a new place starting a new life. Now some of those visions have changed. I see my daughters and I living without him. I feel guilty I have begun to feel this way. I understand that recovery is a very difficult thing, but my husband cannot evern hold a job for longer than six months. You all can follow my posts on this site and catch up if your interested. I feel pathetic because I would stll like to try at my marriage. Although I have done a lot of trying. I take care of my kids with my mother and sisters. I allow him to be with his kids when he wants but I like to keep them structured as well. They don’t like being with him at his parents to much because their dad has a mood disorder and depression. I think he goes through something called cycling. So every 24 hours he goes through having depression. Then 24 hours later he is fine. It is because his internal clock is off. Light and dark therapy is recomendedd to treat this and psychotherpy. So that is where Im at. I do undersand his disorder and I still love him. My problem is that I don;t know if I could live a peacfull life with somone that behaves this way. So tell me what you all think. I would love and appreciate your perspective on my situation.

Ranj
9:52 pm May 22nd, 2012

Hi Deb,

Thanks for sharing so much of your life, its really helping me to know that I am not alone. I’ve been separated 2 years, 3 months and its decision time for me.
I’d given my husband and myself a 2 year guideline as something to aim for. To see where we’re both at. I have studied out the character of a fool through the proverbs which has really helped to identify the characteristics of such a person and balancing it against Wisdom, which God wants us to grow in. Last week I decided to study out the purpose of marriage. And in Gen2 it states that a man will leave his father and mother, be united to his wife and the two become one flesh. It just struck me, that since my husband started his drinking and deception, he stopped that from happening. The Oneness that God wanted us to have, could not happen – how could it? We weren’t on the same page, striving for unity and breaking strongholds. I saw his deception and drinking as a physical wedge between us. I’d been trying hard for 6 years to grow in understanding, patience, compassion and Oneness, completley losing myself and my confidence, while he has kept the wedge firmly in place. Ive grown incredibley as a person on my own, and I want to lead my children to Christ. God has given me strength and always provided, I believe I would not have grown if I’d remained in my marriage. Im realising that I never gave up on the marriage, he did by his actions, which always speak louder than words. Hope some of this helps, God Bless.

Deb
3:51 pm May 23rd, 2012

Hi everybody, So I gradufated from Nursing school on May 3. I waiting for the state of MI to give me permission to test for the boards. The entire month of april my husband was on a downward spiral. On Apr 30th he entered a rehab center and stayed for 2 weeks. He left there and 2 days later got on a plane and flew to FL for a sober living program. He is still there ans says he is doing great. He sounds happy, involved, and in touch with life again. He probably hasn’t been living since his late teens. I think my energy finally told this fool that I was finished with him and trying to save our marriage. I think what has to happen with addicts is that they have to want to stop. NO ONE can make them and that is what I was caught up in for so long. The feeling of letting him and the marriage go came natural after 20 months of separation and graduating from this intense program. Im not sure what clicked in his head and I don’t know if our marriage will work out. What I am trying to say is that I really just stopped myself from trying to save him. I started to accept that the pills and alcohol would kill him. As soon as these feelings came over me this guy decided he was gonna make a change. I stopped mourning my beautiful wedding, the business I lost, the house I lost, wedding photos, baby pictures, moments in the house with my kids. I just hardened a little. I started to accept that these things were part of my past and would not determine any part of my future. No one could tell me anything to make me feel this way. I would have moments of such extreme mental turmoil that I would be in physical pain. When it happened I just dealt with it. I cryed and cryed and cryed and talked and talked until I felt better. This was still happening in mid April mind you. Then when he had his last melt down on April 23, I just released him into the hands of God and this universe. I realized that I couldnt do anything more for this man. I stopped resisting what could possibly be the inevitable. When I did that something miraculous happened. He has been in treatment since Apr 30. I don’t miss him because I really didn’t have anything to do with him, but I am really happy for him. MY POINT IS TO ALL OF YOU FOLKS THAT ARE TRYING TO CONTROL THE ADDICTS IN YOUR LIFE, YOU NEVER WILL. THESE PEOPLE MUST COME TO THEIR OWN REALIZATION. I KNOW THIS IS HARD TO HEAR BUT IT IS THE TRUTH AND I SPEAK WITH A LOT OF EXPERIENCE.

I REALLY HOPE I HAVE HELPED SOMEONE OUT THERE. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME.. PEACE LOVE HARMONY. AND REMEMER GIVE IT TO GOD..

Tom
11:07 am June 2nd, 2012

I am a recovering drug addict. Its a disease that I can control but I did drugs 1 time this year and my wife left and filed for divorce. I had cravings many nights but this one night I gave in to the deviels temptation She is gone and is already seeing another man after only 2 weeks .i am devistated to the point of suicide if it were not for my kids

Deb
2:42 pm June 4th, 2012

Dr Steve, My husband relapsed while living in a sober living community in FL. He called me telling me that he had a moment of weakness on the beach and that he drank alcohol. When his therapist called me she said that he tested positive for cocaine. I’m not sure if I am supposed to care that he is still lying about the substance that he is addicted to cuz she has always said it is alcohol and pills. But on several occasions I have found out that his drug of cholce is cocaine. Im not sure why he can’t come out with the truth. He must view one drug more shameful than another. Right now I will not speak to him. I haven’t spoken to him since labor day and I have not let the kids talk to him either. I can’t wrap my head around this guy doing this in sober living. His therapist said not to talk to him because when I do it provides him with comfort. Do you agree?????

After being seperated for 21 months I feel like it is over. I try so hard not to worry about this man and the impact a divorce will have my my little girls, but I just don’t feel like he will overcome his disease and I just cant live that way. My babies and I are better off alone. I know that christ would not want this for us. It’s like everytime I think this man is doing the right thing and I put faith in him, he disappoints…….ALWAYS. I feel like the lord is telling me something. Sometimes I wish he would just go away never to be heard from again so this pain would stop. Or would it? Im blabbing. Dr Steve I would really appreciate your perscpective. I really feel like this is just not what the lord intended for me to live with, and that I must take my destiny in my own hands IM SO LOST

Dr Steve
4:36 am June 5th, 2012

Tough question Deb.
First congrats on completing nursing program. Very tough and certainly in your circumstance.

Not taking his phone calls is indeed a challenge. My guess is that his therapist knows him well. It sounds like to me if talking to you provides comfort, he may be as addicted to you as he is towards his drugs.

If you were to take his calls, I would keep them very short and simple. Get help from a therapist on how to do that.

Setting healthy boundaries right now is probably the best thing that can happen for both of you.

Letting him talk to his daughters with strong rules of what he can say and can’t say, with you on the phone with them could provide hope of a future relationship (whatever that might be) with his daughters. Girls need their dad (but only ones striving to be healthy). Unhealthy chaos is detrimental for your daughters; that will set life patterns of finding people like their father to prove to them and themselves that they are valuable and worthy.

If you find yourself struggling with codependency, then get help and don’t speak much with your husband. He will draw you in with your need to take care of him and your ability to feel sorry for him.

I’m adding you to my prayer list.
Be blessed. This too will pass.

Jessica
3:28 am June 6th, 2012

Wow, all these stories hit home! I am sitting here trying to hear the voice of God to tell me to leave because, it is what I want. Still not wanting to disappiont him or go back on the commitment I made to my husband, However due to the abuse and I mean abuse, physical, mental, spiritual, verbal, ahhhhh, I am going crazy! I have been with my husband for 16 years married 6 this year. I didn’t know the Lord prior to us, I believe God used my husband to bring me to him, I am just so uncertain what to do. I am unable to love on others because of the dysfunctional life I have. On top of all these things my husband is super jealous. I want to leave and believe there is something terriably wrong with me becasue I don’t but, something keeps me here. I am unable to read the word because I am so angry and I have a super hard time praying because I am angry. I get to walk around with anger while my husband says he doesn’t remember hitting me in the face or bitting me or calling me dirty names and being crule, because he drank to much and blacked out. All I do know is that the devil is no good and I hate that he can get someones attention with negative thinking, fake highs and evilness. I hope that those that share this life, can see the light and hope in all that GOD is because he is GOOD!

Sara
3:43 pm June 6th, 2012

Jessica,
Abuse is abuse. I have heard that excuse so many times. I was blacked out, I don’t remember. They act as if it didn’t happen because they don’t remember (or claim not to remember) it. Eventually, he stopped using that excuse and just loses his temper whether he’s sober or drunk or high.
I don’t believe the Lord wants us to be abused like this. I have been through all that and honestly the only thing that has kept it from getting worse is a combination of standing up for myself (I am bigger physically than he is and fairly strong- but this usually equates to me abusing him back) or leaving him or calling the police. That last one has caused some serious resentment against me from him and his family, even though they have called the police on him themselves. Usually he just breaks or destroys my things or punches holes in the walls or trashes the house and leaves it for me to clean up instead. Still abuse but not life threatening.
There are usually groups and shelters for abused women if you feel you need to leave or just need someone to talk to. I have also heard a lot about ALANON and NARCANON groups but I haven’t made it to one yet myself as my husband is against me going. At any rate, addiction and abuse, though they often go hand in hand, are separate issues and though addiction poses it’s own set of issues, abuse is the real issue here. If he is hurting you physically, it only elevates the issue but it should make it easier for you to get away from him. I wish you the best of luck. I know how it feels to be there. It’s not as simple or easy as many people think to just get out of a relationship like this, especially a marriage. God Bless.

Sharon
7:06 pm June 17th, 2012

I married my husband in 1979. Loving him as much as anyone could love another. He started using and it got progressively worse as each year went by. We had 2 children and I ended up basically raising them by myself as he was not able to parent them. He got straight for a year, went back out for a year and got straight. 17 years of bliss. Now I am looking to divorce him as he he is drugging again. He has moved out of the house and I am alone. Think twice all you young women. I thought he would stay straight forever and trusted him totally, he pulled the rug out from under me. I feel like a house dropped on me. I had no idea and do not know how long it has been going on. He has a 23 year old “friend” and I am 58 and getting ready to go thru a divorce.

jan
8:34 am June 20th, 2012

i have been reading this posts and although i am not an addict except with cigarettes, which is bad enough, i have seen many addictions. but anyone, who does mental abuse, physical abuse or lying, hiding things and selling items for cash has a serious problem. there are some illness that you just cant fix. marriage in sickness and in health, i agree. but drugs or a mental conditon are sometimes unfixable and especially if you have kids you must consider them first. no matter how much we love someone, they have got to want to change and mean it. and they need an open mind. we can only bring the horse to the water, we cannot force them to drink it. i would leave the person immediately and let them get help but realize that there could be someone else out there for you and just sticking with someone cuase you feel you might not find love again is a cop out. the person you love is gone after drugs. we can all find someone for us that is good for us out there. we just need to believe in that. i for one would never put my kids through any misery, i am gone. they come first.

Jen
3:30 pm June 22nd, 2012

WOW! I could have written some of these stories myself. I am married for 5 years now, together for almost 7. My husband has a drug addiction, his DOC is pot but he uses pain pills, alcohol, basically whatever he can get his hands on. We have 3 kids living with us, 2 of which are his. We have separated and gotten back together more times than I care to think about. About 2 years ago, he was leaving & staying gone for days at a time…I finally started to take my blinders off and realize he has a serious drug problem. We separated, then he failed a drug test @ work and was forced into an intensive outpatient program. He abstained from drugs for 20 months or so but was never in true recovery. He was angry, demeaning, blaming, lying…addict behavior but not using drugs. Finally he relapsed again in April…and May…and June. He is on his third relapse right now in as many months. He no longer lives with us, has been moved out almost 3 weeks now. He had come to me between the relapses in May & June and said he was ready for help. A friend had found a Christian treatment center and he applied, spoke with the director and had all his necessary lab work completed. A few days before he would have been able to leave, we had an argument and I told him to leave-that was his latest relapse and he has been going for the past 3 weeks. I feel like I gave him his last chance when we got back together 2 years ago, he chose not to work his recovery because he wasn’t ready..even though he told me he was working his recovery and WAS ready. I can’t believe anything he says. There has been emotional, mental and physical abuse on both of our parts at times in the course of the 7 years. I am scared to death to stay with someone like this, knowing this could very well be a life long struggle. Now that I am in my own recovery program (Al Anon and Nar Anon) I don’t know what to do. I enjoy the serenity and peace of not living with an active addict, or even an abstaining addict. I don’t know what God wants me to do, if he chooses sobriety again and treatment, do I stay with him? I know I would not live with him for a LONG time and I would need to see honest, long standing changes. What if he works his program and we are just two different people? He has used for so long of his life (started at 12, is now 28) I don’t know if he will be able to be clean & sober for a lifetime. I really feel in my heart that being with him is not best for me or my kids. The situation 2 years ago brought me back to the Lord, and I am forever grateful for that. Now I feel like being a Christian, I have more responsibility to stay with him. But do I?? I have given him every chance to change…and he hasn’t. I just don’t know what to do.

Victoria
6:38 am July 2nd, 2012

So here goes nothing, so many of your stories sound so similar to mine but yet mine is different in the fact that my husband stopped smoking week and started smoking synthetic weed…..it leaves him absolutely retarded but when i videotaped him to show him he refused to watch it….he is also huffing cans of air that you use to clean computers and what not. The worst part is we have 3 boys ranging from age 1 -4 and he does this in front of them….as a matter of fact he hides the cans in there rooms and smokes the synthetic weed in the shed out in the yard where there toys are kept. He has gotten almost gotten violent but threats kept it from getting physical. When I started working part time for my dad he purposefully failed a drug test for a job he was about to get hired permanently for that would have made a huge difference for us and than would not even try to get a job for almost a year even though i was pregnant and having severe complications partly due to the fact I barely had enough money to feed us.

He has isolated me and when I do have friends he is either so nasty to them or makes disgusting comments so that they don’t want to come around anymore and I lose them. My license got suspended because I had to let the car insurance lapse and than got pulled over while driving under a suspended license….but I had to go to the food bank. I am lucky I did not go to jail. Every time I get close to getting it back he ruins it so that I can’t. I can’t tell you how many jobs he has lost because of his attitude and I heard because of his addiction.

Family members have told me he was doing coke again…but I am not sure I just know he is lying to me everyday, taking money he knows is for bills and depriving me and my boys of any stability. We are constantly fighting and he has flat out told me he won’t quit. He says he works and provides for us so this is his right. It doesn’t matter what I say. We are both christians or at least I know I am. I have spoken to almost know one except the Lord about this because I am so afraid if his boss founds out he will fire him as his boss is a pastor of a very conservative Baptist church that is affiliated with our church. I have avoided going to church and been covering for him all this time but finally broke my silence. My pastor and his wife are supposed to come over to speak to us but I already know they are going to try and tell me I need to stay with him which honestly at this moment in time I don’t think I can do.

He is so emotionally/verbally abusive not to mention groping on me in front of people and in front of our children…he knows I hate it but says he can because I am his wife. I can get a divorce on the grounds of drunkenness but first I have to get my license, get a job so I can pay the bills and get him out. I have asked him to leave but he refuses to….

It has been 4yrs of this and my boys have been through so much that I don’t want to be the one to have to leave….we just moved in here in Feb 12 and this was supposed to be a reconciliation where he swore he quit and things would be different within a week he was huffing cans of air in front of my boys in there room :/ I have really struggled with divorcing him as I don’t believe in divorce except in cases of adultery but I know for a fact w/o evidence he has cheated on me at least 2x’s…one time was for a period of time….I don’t want my boys growing up thinking any of this is normal and or when they get in school starting drugs because they saw daddy doing it so it must be ok….

I know this is a spiritual battle but I am so tired of fighting it and while I believe in miracles I don’t believe anything is going to change without drastic measures….he has already told me I would have to leave and once I got a job I would have to save to get my own vehicle even though he doesn’t need to commute to work….he also told me if I tried to take the boys they would have to find a hole to put me in of course late he said he was just kidding but I am not so sure….he said it very matter of fact with no hint of humor….

Sorry for the rambling but honestly any advice would be greatly appreciated because other than talking to my sis who doesn’t understand what it is like living with someone with this kind of addiction and the Lord I don’t have anyone else that has lived it to talk to

Rose
1:51 pm July 4th, 2012

I am married to an addict. He is not only an addict to hard drugs (cocain) marijuana and g@mb1ing but also a pathological liar ..he doesnt seem to have feelings or love in his heart anymore he never cries but when I forgive him and try to get help (marriage councelling or rehab we have done both several times) he does very briefly become loving and I feel that he is senceir. That’s the scariest part..the senceirity of his promises and breaking of them so so shortly after, even within the same hour he has sworn to me not to do xy and z. Needless to say I have spent countless hours on the phone to landlords, bill companies, phone companies etc trying to sort out “missing money” and been stranded at the supermarket with a new baby having no money left in the account..he even stole my money for baby a couple hours after I had given birth and was in hospital, which I ha hid from him for that reason. Everytime I decide to deal with the pain and try to move forward and change my attitude to a loving forgiving one and focus on bettering mysel before finding his fault, I find something else out..recently that drug dealers r looking for him. Our cr has been smashed twice by people who are angry at him and I feel scared now too. I have spoken to him,and so had his family and councelors about the danger he could put his family in but although he is charming and seems remorsul and understanding, he will literally turn around the next minute and go get drunk at te pub, buy drugs, go through the house for money and he slept with another girl and has had several phone conversations with other women who I assume he’s also slept with, he has thousands of dollars debt from buying porn and various other debts.. I don’t feel he loves me and my heart is breaking all I want to do is focus on my beautiful daughter who never asked or deserved any of this! But I love him and Christ loves all of us and he believes in all of us, so all of us have it in us to be good…everytime he does something good now though I can’t help but to see it as manipulation, a lie, like a charming temptation with bad motives or selfish reasons..I’ve never in my life knowing him seen him do anything for anyone else without benefit to him or anything tht would leave him in a bad way to help another. What do I do? When is it a lost cause….

Sara
3:34 pm July 5th, 2012

Well I can relate to the post by Victoria because my husband also was using synthetic weed or “spice”. I know exactly what you mean by making him retarded. He was antisocial, sleeping a lot, going to the bathroom every five minutes to get high. And some of his friends also used it so even when he said he would quit, he was still using behind my back, even at work. So I asked him to at least not do it at home and a few days later I caught him smoking at the house. I confronted him and it didn’t end up changing anything at first. Then he went back to regular weed. Which I reasoned that it was at least healthier for him physically and it didn’t make him antisocial. He’s a high functioning pot smoker- a naturally high strung person who functions very well when stoned. He can fool anyone when he’s stoned. Anyway, I still wasn’t happy about the legal implications and the chance of him failing another drug test and losing another job. But I was praying for us and for him and giving it my all to make things work. But last weekend he left the house to go work on a truck for his aunt’s neighbor. When the mail came there was a letter from the courts in another county where he had been arrested in May on a warrant (from a domestic violence case he never took care of). He was working out of town, supposed to be at work the next morning at 5 and had been arrested downtown at 3am totally intoxicated. He spent some time in jail before his family bailed him out and drove several hours to get him. He never mentioned anything about any other charges but here was this letter in the mail from the courts. It was an intent to put out a warrant for him because he had been charged with possession of marijuana less than an ounce and hadn’t shown up for court even though there was a copy of the return receipt from the certified letter when they sent him the summons. He had hid it from me. When I called him, he was drunk, even though he had told me he wouldn’t drink that day and we were supposed to have a family movie night that night. It was only 1pm and he had only been over there a couple of hours. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me he had been charged with possession, he said he didn’t know anything about it. I told him “your signature is ALL over these papers” and he blew me off, said he’d come home and talk to me about it. Several phone calls and several hours later, I caught up to him in a motel room with his brother. He was passed out on the bed. I woke him and told him to come home with me, that I was upset because he had totally blown me off and that I was dead serious he needed to come home and talk to me and deal with this issue. I told him he was disrespecting me. He said he just wanted to sleep. I told him that he needed to talk to me first. He said he would rather nap. I told him that he was choosing a nap over our marriage and he agreed. So I walked out. He showed up briefly the next morning but I wouldn’t speak to him so he left. I didn’t see him again until Wed morning. His step mother called me on Monday night and said he had been spending every day out on the lake with his brother and a woman. He didn’t take the kids, he hadn’t spent time with them in over a week. She said she would send him home that night but he didn’t come home. He had been paid on Friday but he never gave me a dime to pay a bill or buy a grocery. In fact, his brother asked me to pay his phone bill and he would pay me back that day and I still haven’t seen that money either even though he makes more than twice what my husband and I make in one month. So I made up my mind and Tuesday I filed for divorce. I can no longer be married to someone I cannot trust or depend on even for the smallest things. I can’t keep raising my kids in a home where their father is an addict who puts us in danger and chooses everything else over us, who is Dr. Jekyl for days and then at the drop of a hat, turns into Mr. Hyde. I scraped together everything I had to pay the filing fee. I haven’t told him yet because I’m afraid he will fly off the handle and get violent or vindictive. I am just waiting for him to be served. Today is Thursday and he hasn’t been to work all week. I slept on the couch last night and when I was getting the kids up to get ready to go for the day, he said they could stay home with him today. I asked if he still had his job and he said “probably not”. My daughter chose to go to the summer program today instead of staying home with him and he says it’s because I have turned her against him by complaining about him the last four days. This is not true. She sees for herself what he does for one thing. For another thing, her choice has nothing to do with him. And finally, if he was so worried about how I raise the kids and what I say to them, I would think he would be more concerned with being home with us than with being drunk and high with his brother and another woman. I know I haven’t just given up. After several years of going nowhere, always being broke, being betrayed and abandoned, broken dreams and empty promises, I know that I have tried. I have done what I could to better myself and our situation and I often feel like I am trying to keep my head and my children’s heads above water and I have him dragging us down, drowning us. I will always love the Dr Jekyl side of him, the one who seems kind and sincere and loving. But I can no longer live with Mr Hyde and so I feel that he is the one I am truly divorcing. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be with someone who puts his family first, who takes responsibility and whose word means something. Someone who will show my children what a man is supposed to be like. But honestly if I am alone and single for the rest of my life, I know that’s probably what God wants and I would probably be happier for it. So there it is. I know I have a long journey ahead because he has threatened to drag me through courts and through the mud if I didn’t give him everything in the divorce and joint physical custody. But I didn’t do it because I know that is what is best for our kids because he is unstable and he should be held responsible for helping to support his children even though he has rarely done it throughout their lives. And I don’t know if he even has the motivation or means to follow through with a fight that ultimately he cannot win due to his domestic violence and drug charges. But it’s a fight I am ready for after all these years of fighting a losing battle against his addictions and his enabling family, and even enabling him myself. I am ready for fight for something that will truly help us all in the end. Maybe this is the rock bottom he needs to finally clean up and if he does, I will be there for him every step of the way if he asks. Otherwise, I need to have him out of our home.
Sorry this was so long!

In God's Hands
7:54 pm July 6th, 2012

So its been a couple of months since I Last posted. Does it ever just stay normal? I have been questioning myself this last week. My husband actually ended up doing some time 3 months and got out the end of May I felt it was a God send. My life seemed so easy without him and his addiction around. It was easy, no stress, no worries. Of course that was his rock bottom and as usual he made promises he has already broken like getting a job, going to meetings, cutting off contact with old friends. He stayed sober from his DOC~benzos but started smoking weed, drinking and this 4th used Coke. I keep questioning my logic and wondering why its so hard for an addict to just quit and be normal. I asked him to move out last nite after confronting him about his relapse. Its wasn’t his real drug of choice so I was going too far that’s according to him. That’s a sign of denial. But if a spouse thinks being sober is too much to ask. It goes to show what completley different pages, books we are in as the non_addicts. this situation has broghten me back to the Lord over and over all these years maybe this is Gods intention to keep my heart eyes set on HIM alone. Where there is no trust there is no stablity no security. I have tried to discuss us just living apart because we aren’t coming to the agreements we both. Made. While he was incarcerated but he is now trying to be vindictive saying I need to give him a 30 day notice and said as soon as he sells anything he bought, couches Tv etc. Its not fair to be in this type of controlling behavior. He has financially burdened me because his support isn’t consistent. But when I bring up the fact that I have worked full time 90 % of our marriage he calls me greedy? Its just a hard situation when you love someone but cannot accept there choices. I just have the hopes God put in my heart about his changing my husband but I also have realized his changing may have to be without me by his side and at this point that is ok with my heart. So I have to face the giant when I get home today and hope God gives me strength to follow through and. Not be afraid to choose to. Not be with an addict. This struggle is long and hard but it is up to US to break bad cycles and patterns for the kids involved. And pray that God does move through with His will.

Justin
1:37 am July 13th, 2012

My wife lost her job nearly 3 years ago and has not worked since. While working as an interior designer before losing her job she seemed to have changed completely. We met in college and were desperately in love for 5 years before getting engaged and married. We were each others best friends and did everything together. I worshipped the ground she walked on and would and did do everything for her the best I could. During her previous job she began going out at night with colleagues and drinking heavily. She got her first DUI in 2009. I bailed her out of jail and paid for an attorney for her. Things did not change. She continued the same behavior. 1 year later she got a second DUI. Again, I bailed her out and provided an attorney. We began marriage counseling and for a little bit things seemed better. She lost her job in early 2010. Shortly after her license was revoked. She was severely depressed and began visiting a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist prescribed ambien to help her sleep and another drug, which slips my mind at the moment to help with anxiety. The problem has gotten worse now as she drinks with the medication while I am at work. I am incredibly concerned as there is no way for us to communicate, because she is drunk and now does not remember our conversations the next day from the pills. I have tried to help in every way possible. I bought her a Vespa when she had no license so she could get around. I believed, stupidly, this would help with her depression. I cannot understand how we got here. We live a great life with a nice home and beach home even. We grew up in spiritual households and both believe in God. I feel emotionally abused and hardened as a person now. I know I am not explaining everything here, but want to know if anyone has gone through a similar situation. Thank you.

Deb
8:30 pm July 27th, 2012

Justin I am so sorry and feel your pain. Hope for the best and expect the worst. Hide the money and anything of value that is in the house. Understand that your wife is now morphing into someone that you do not know. Think of Harry Potter and Voldimort. She is someone now that you don’t know. Until she decides that she is ready to stop using you will not stop her. It has to get to the point where the using no longer works for her. Take my word for it You will not make her stop. You will go through all the motions of “Why am I not enough for her”. How come my love isn’t enough. Why is she choosing to use over me. They Always do. I repeat they always do. The relationship with drugs and alcohol is more important than anything else including you and kids if they are involved. It will take you time to realize. I have been separated for 2yrs and my husband has been in and out of rehab for 2 yrs and he keeps going back to drugs. I have finally decided that I will indeed not be taking him back. My divorce is not a matter of if only a matter of when. God Bless you and I hope this post help. Although the truth really really sucks.

Deb
2:05 pm July 31st, 2012

God does not want any of us to live a life of abuse and fear. Being with a drug addict is EXACTLY what that entails. I am suprised at how I am feeling about a lot of what has gone on with my husband. I feel some relief in knowing that I am doing the right thing in not taking my husband back. When I close my eyes and think about being intimate with someone I no longer see my husbands face. When that started to happen I knew that I was changing on the inside. I look forword to meeting someone that will treat me like a lady, a mother, a professionl. Love me and respect me. I am excited and sad at the same time. I hope one day that my husband and I will be abe to coexist in peace. I still have a lot of anger towards him especially right know because I don’t know where he is. I am so worried that I will get that dreadfull phone call. I hear so many people say this about the addicts in their life. I guess I worry about everything a lot of you worry about. I haven’t filed yet I will when my finances are in order. Anyway hopefully you all learn something from my journey in marriage and addiction as I do from all of your stories. Peace love and harmony.

Troubled heart
8:47 pm August 2nd, 2012

It’s so sad to see these posts. I too am struggling with a husband with addiction issues. I started to go to alnon and see my own therapist. We are going to see a marriage counselor together. He is not really into going to the counselor, but I don’t see any other option. What I’ve come to realize is that he doesn’t want to be accountable to anyone for anything. He was saved just a little over a year ago and has made some progress but it’s still just as hard to trust him today as it was when I found out he was an addict (just about 1 1/2 yrs ago). He went to treatment in Jan – stopped using then started to drink a little and use weed on and off with in 2 weeks of completing treatment. I don’t think he has used cocaine, which is his drug of choice. It’s maddening feeling stuck in this trap. I don’t want to get in Gods way of dealing with him, but it’s just so hard to not “mother” him in the sense that I’m worried about what he’s doing. Glad there is a board out here to talk about this stuff.

Sue
2:29 pm August 8th, 2012

These stories are so sad. I truly can relate to a lot of the thughts and feeling and experiences. My husband is addicited to coke. I am “stuck” in this. I am having a hard time getting out. I am always depressed. I have been to counseling, but I feel like I go in the same circles of what to do or not to do. I want to leave but we have a huse with a loan in myname. The deed is in both our names. I live in PA. I have thought to just leave many times but I have great credit can buy anything on credit. I have even thought to buy another house before just moving out , because I wont be able to afford paying rent and mortgage. I have thought about foreclosure and bankruptcy once I leave. then these seems so unimportant when I just need to get out. Can anyone give me some advice. ?

Alexandra
6:36 pm August 9th, 2012

I agree with jessica (first comment) I believe prayer changes things. I trust in god and not man. I believe you have to stick by your spouse and not give up on them. What would jesus do? Would he turn away from a person with a demon in him. Would he not cast the demon out? A drug addict needs help. So why would you turn away from the person you vowed to stay with in sickness and in health. I beleive the only way you can help the drug addict is by praying for them night and day if need be and trust that it will be done, better yet that it has been done. Declare victory! There is no pit too deep god can’t get you out of. none of us are free from suffering or disapointment but be not afraid but trust in him (god). We all talk about how we can’t trust our spouse, yet drug addict or not have we all not been disapointed by everyone in our lives, once twice or a few times before? This is why we are suppose to trust in no man, but god. IF we trust in god then we won’t pay too much attention to our feeling, like being disaponinted. Too much attention to our feeling can scar us and not help us heal soon like it taking up to 50 years to get over past suffering. Again trust in god,be patient, and meek. pray for your spouse and declare victory over him, and know that you know that the lord will give you the spouse you deserve.

Lynn
7:52 am August 16th, 2012

I am going through the same type of situation. I love my husband dearly, but he is on a path that I cannot get him to give up. He has issues with depression and anxiety, and is a chronic abuser of pot to the point where he will get high for days on end and he is on the verge of failing out of grad school (we’re both currently full-time students). He has become a compulsive liar as well, and he confessed to me about a year after we were married that he had cheated on me with 3 different women while we were dating but were on different sides of the world for 2 years (2 one-night stands and a 6 week fling). I was devastated, but I tried to extend forgiveness since he swore to me that he had done nothing in the 4 years that we were in the same place after the long distance relationship. Since that revelation we went through counseling, he had about 6 good months, and then proceeded to start a downward spiral that has lasted almost 2 years now. I feel like I’m drowning in the ocean, as though I have been knocked under by a wave and every time I try and resurface I get knocked under again before I can get any air. My husband makes all these promises but almost never follows through, it’s that whole “spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” issue. I cannot trust him and he seems to feel no accountability to me, he keeps saying that he’s gotta change for himself not me, but he’s not changing, that’s the problem. I don’t think that this is what God had in mind for our marriage, I have given him until the end of the year to deal with his addiction issues with professional help, and to make some genuine effort in getting himself together or else I will have no choice but to file for separation. I love him and I want our marriage to last, but I don’t believe that God is telling me to remain an enabler and crutch for his addiction problems indefinitely, some people in the church would have women believe that we are obligated by God to remain in a horrible marriage no matter what, but I don’t think that God wants us to be sacrificial lambs for the institution of marriage either when our husbands choose drugs and lies and dysfunction over us. I believe that a trial separation is a good idea prior to divorce in order to give them a chance to straighten up, but God doesn’t want us to be abused and/or neglected for our entire lives for the sake of marriage. Christ would forgive, but he would also command people to straighten up and stop sinning. I think that we should follow suit. Give them plenty of room to get better, but don’t give them a free license to continue to ruin our lives with their chaos and selfishness.

Lynn
3:30 pm August 16th, 2012

I’m in a quandry. I do not love my husband the way a wife should, I have tried. I DO love him in a different way, and pray for him and his salvation. My husband is an alcoholic. I do not stir up the pot, because his drinking can lead to loud arguing, and I’m afraid worse. He also watches porn, and has for years. At risk of being graphic, he has had a difficult time “keeping it up” for years and years. We have been married for 21, but 4 of those years have been spent separated. I was ill for a large portion of our marriage and couldn’t perform the way he wanted me to, and on a daily basis. Occassionally, he didn’t feel like having intercourse with me. I would fall asleep on him sometimes, because of the illness. I needed him to be loving toward me, but all he saw was what was below the neck, and above the thighs. He has no interest in seeking Christ in his life, nor does he have interest in anything else except his own needs. He does work to support the family. The example has been set for my sons. He has always felt that since he brings home the paycheck, it has been my job to take care of everything else, including raising the kids, and if need be, work outside the home. And since his paycheck would be bigger than mine, I would not be relieved of any responsibility. I now have 2 adult sons, and one teen. By the grace of God, and His mercy, they are turning out ok. I still have to keep them directed and focused, but that’s ok, so far they have not picked up a drink, but I do not know if they have picked up on the porn. Their father does not shield their hearts or their eyes, and shares things with them, but not porn, just other ungodly things. I have asked myself often “am I the cause of all this?”, and I have asked him if he drinks because of me. I believe he had a problem with both porn and drinking before we got married. We did not date long for me to have the chance to find out. I do not think this is something new. He has the life he wants, no responsibility at home when he is here (he travels often, and lives in another area most of the time), and I still take care of everything else until I find a full time job. The house I’m in with my sons is his. It is falling apart around me, but it is a roof over our head. For that, I am grateful. He has no desire to make things better, or to recognize there is a problem. He has no respect for me whatsoever, and never really has. So, am I contemplating a complete divorce instead of just separation? Yes. I have felt alone for years. He thinks everything is ok just the way it is. He will side with others, but not with me. He says we should be a team, he works for the income, and I work, and do everything else. That’s his idea of teamwork. He has abandoned us emotionally for years. Yet, I want to serve God completely and fully. It is not an easy decision, and I pray all the time over it.

amy
5:54 am August 17th, 2012

My husband was an alcoholic for years as well a drug addict . He quit drinking and drugging until his sister died. He used her death as a reason to start back up and has been going on and off ever since. My kids and I go to church and he mocks me. We have had our issues in the past and went to counseling with a couple of pastors and he never likes what he hears. He us verbally abusive but mainly to me. I stay because I love him and I know he can be better. I have seen have him at his best and his worst. I’m struggling now to stay because he is getting out of control. He lies all the time and then accuses me of sleeping around or having the thought to. I love Jesus Christ, my husband,and my precious family. I’m lost and confused and severely hurt by this man.

Lynn
10:23 pm August 17th, 2012

I am going to be blunt here, why are you women allowing your husbands to hurt you like this? And for so long? You deserve BETTER! My husband is lost in drugs and depression, and I am giving him a chance to change, but you must draw the line in the sand at some point and say to these men that they cannot keep doing what they are doing, God didn’t design women to be doormats for selfish men to walk all over. God didn’t tell Adam that Eve was there to be his concubine and housekeeper, woman was made as a valued and beautiful creation of God and ultimately we belong to God, not man, no matter what system has been set up via the institution of marriage. Jesus would never ever condone the treatment that we are receiving and he would not expect us to be slaves to our husband’s destructive tendencies. Be patient, kind, loving, forgiving, but draw your line in the sand and stick with it or else these men will suck the life out of you and leave you broken shells. We were not made to be their mothers and they are grown men, it’s time that they start acting like real men and not spoiled children. When Jesus said that God hates divorce he meant it, but keep in mind that he meant it in such a way that at that time men would divorce their wives on a whim and toss them out on the street to marry younger women, I look at how Jesus treated women directly and I do not see a Savior that would have tolerated any of this nonsense from addicted and abusive husbands. You don’t have to martyr yourself on the altar of marriage to be a good Christian, God sees what we all have to deal with and I for one think that he values us above the earthly institution of marriage. If your husband will change and commit to being a better man and partner then give him forgiveness and a chance to make things right, if he is stiff-necked and selfish then pray for guidance and strength and then file for separation.

Ruth
4:10 am August 21st, 2012

Read Martha Peace’s Book THE EXCELLENT WIFE . It will explain how to be a godly , loving ,submissive wife and also what a wife should do to protect herself and the children. God cares. We are all accountable.

Broken/Confused
5:21 pm August 22nd, 2012

Thanks Lynn I totally agree with you. I have been married for 2 months now and my husband started back drinking and smoking weed. It seems like all his old weed buddies have come back and his staying out late habits also. We are both in church and are christians. He isnt working right now and I pay all the bills. It really hurts after a long day at work coming home to a messy house and a husband that is ready to leave and stay out to 5a.m. Before he started smoking i didnt have any of these issues with him. I hurt so deeply because im stressed we are financially back up and he keeps talking about selling drugs instead of finding a real job that stresses me out even more because i just want to live entirely as God wants us to live.. Im trying to be the wife wants us to be, but im not getting the husband God told them to be. What should I do? Im tired of talking to him i sound like a broken record…..I feel stuck, left, betrayed,i could go on and on. Thanks so much for reading…

Sara
5:04 pm August 23rd, 2012

Ruth,
I’m sorry but I find it very hard to believe you have ever been in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic if you are suggesting a book that pushes a family dynamic from the dark ages. A book that has been said to actually ADVOCATE a co-dependent relationship? Submissive? Wouldn’t that be great ladies? To be able to depend on your husband to take care of you and to submit to him? Wouldn’t it be awesome to not have to take care of every little thing in your life because your husband is too high or drunk all the time to do anything for himself, much less for you or your children? I can no longer blame myself for his drug and alcohol use. No matter how sweet and submissive I have been, or how hard hearted, he still finds an excuse to blow off responsibilities to go get hammered. And then calls me every name in the book when I won’t drag myself and my children out of bed at 1 in the morning to go pick him and his brother up from the bar- when I am the one who has to work in the morning. I guess I should have just submitted and went to get him so he could call me a fat stupid piece of crap all the way home in front of the kids instead of on my voicemail. My bad Ruth.

fed up
3:36 am August 25th, 2012

My husband has been a drug addict for many many years. We recently just passed our 11 yr anniversary and it has been the worst 11 years of my life. My husband has been addicted to crack, marijuana, k2, alcohol, and other drugs I am not even aware of. I am at a point in my life where I feel like if that’s who he wants to be then fine, but get out of mine and my daughters lives. My children have been so devastatingly affected by all of this I feel like I am just as much to blame as he is because I have stayed. He has been to jail and rehab numerous times and every time he is a “new man” and very shortly after he is the same man. I am sick to my stomach at of stupid he thinks I am, the ridiculous excuses he comes up with that he thinks I believe but in reality I am just sick of hearing. I have grown so bitter and cold towards caring about what he does anymore except for the way it affects me and my children. I don’t know what to do anymore, it just seems there is no way out.

Shine
3:50 am August 28th, 2012

Honi,
You know what to do and you are selling yourself and your daughters out by believing these lies. Actions speak louder than words. Addicts have a fear, something so deeply rooted within themselves and do not want to face this fear. A lot of times they don’t even know what it is that they are afraid of, maybe the pain of the past, maybe resentment within…idk, but you have to be true to you and your daughters. No matter what you can not fix this within him, you only have control of yourself and have to make the decisions of what is true within your heart. If your man truely loved himself he would stay straight for himself and for your family. Please consider the larger scope of what your life together will be like in 1, 5, 10 years. Best case would be he cleans up, faces his fears and begs for your forgiveness and for you to return and live happy together. If you stay the bitterness is only going to grow and will break YOU and affect your daughters…Peace and may God guide you…

Sugarbaby73
9:39 pm August 31st, 2012

I have been married now for 6 months, and it have not been a pretty good marriage. I thought when I got married his addiction would change, but secretly it got worse. Do not get me wrong, I do love him, but he continues to abuse me in different areas. He gets drunk and then began to verbally, economic, emotionally, and blaming abuse. He has been using crack cocaine for many years, selling drugs, alcohol, and a disorder. I have prayed, stand faithful to him, even helped him overcome his demons. I am a minister, author, in college, and seeking to start my own business.

He receives a disability check every month, and he feels like he retired. The only thing he feels that is close to a job is ‘pill shopping.’ I am so tired. I have no strength to deal with him. I am now seeing a psychologist. I am at the end of the road. But the good thing about it I have peace about my daily circumstances. I just hate that he get drunk to put me down. He wants to live off of me, but do not seek to better himself. I really need advice from others because my next visit is in divorce court.

seekingGodswill
3:12 pm September 3rd, 2012

My husband & I have been married almost two years, we have 3 kids..his & mine. We have been dealing with his crack addiction for a year. I didn’t know about it when we married..he has been addicted for 13 years off & on. Our marriage sounds like a few of the other ladies, when he’s home he works, goes to church, reads & prays..then he may take a lot of money & dissapear for 3 days to weeks. I am trying to stay & be the supportive wife because I know the man I married is still there if he could/would only try to beat the addiction. I feel like I make excuses for him, but I know he has a lot of pain & regrets that fuel the addiction..I am currently trying to get him into counseling. I know most people will say I should walk away & get a divorce but I can’t. I have resolved that if I have to I will move out & raise my children but I will not divorce. It’s hard because I still love him with all my being & when I look at him I don’t see the addict..I see the man I know he can be, the man he is when he’s not on the drugs. I just don’t know what to do anymore because I’m tired of the pain, but I can’t give up on him. Any advice would be helpful..

Dr Steve
12:22 am September 4th, 2012

SeekingGodswill,

My experience tells me that you need to educate yourself about Codependency and setting boundaries.

Yes, you love him and are committed to staying with him, but setting and maintaining boundaries is the only way he will change his behavior toward you and the family. He must believe that you will leave if he doesn’t get help and that everything is on the line if he continues with his current behavior.

Also realize, he may choose his drug over you and the family.It’s hard to believe, but that choice is made everyday by addicts who refuse to get help.

Understanding Codependency is learning that we give love to receive love. We need healing in ourselves to be free of Codependency.
Dr Townsend and Dr Cloud are experts in Codependency and material related. Check them out.

Jen
7:02 pm September 4th, 2012

I haven’t posted for a few months, but I have been reading the posts others have been leaving. My husband decided to enter treatment at the Christian based facility a friend found and told me about and he has been there since July 10th. He seems to be doing well, since they are Christian based he even had to quit smoking cigarettes and that is the only thing he has struggled with an used a few times since he has been there. He has a job now and I think that helps him feel more like a “man” since the first 4 weeks he could not leave the house he is at. This past weekend we had to stop at the house he was staying at while he was gone in June to get a few shirts he left there, this was his dealer’s house. I was SICK in my stomach as I waited for him to come out and he was only in there 6 minutes. He told me it was difficult which is why he didn’t stay to talk to the guy very long and did not do anything while he was in there, even smoke a cigarette. He is struggling to forgive himself for things he has done in the past (had a car accident where a passenger died) but he realizes that God loves him and forgives him. He is working on himself and his commitment to the Lord is stronger than it has ever been. He has a long road ahead of him and I know we do as a married couple as well…but I can see that the Lord can do miracles IF people allow Him too.

Sugarbaby73
1:56 am September 5th, 2012

Drug facilities or rehab does work. I have been in and out of facilities for 2 1/2 years with my husband. At first he did not have any support system, but since he met me I have been by his side. True he stop smoking crack cocaine after 40 years, but he still struggle with acohol and cigarettes. I am really trying to look beyond his faults and see his needs after my last post. I am trustin in the Lord that his will be done. I still get tired, but to respond to his behaviors means I have not defeated this demon. Don’t get me wrong, he makes my stomach sick also. But I am trying to see him in a different way.

fed up
4:12 am September 6th, 2012

It is so disheartening to hear of how many women are going through the same thing, and a common thing seems to be that most of us did not know that our husbands were using before we married them. I am so disturbed by the lack of commitment to these relationships and marriages from the very beginning, how they can just enter into a marriage being completely deceptive…

I have decided to take my focus off of my husband and start going to al-anon meeting for myself. I need the support and need to be able to talk and listen to people who understand exactly where I am coming from. My daughters need me and need me to be healthy and I can not do that when I am constantly focused on him. For my daughters sake I hope my husband gets his stuff together, but if he chooses not to, then that is the decision he has made FOR HIMSELF, but not for me and my daughters. Stay strong ladies and seek support!!

new christian
2:36 am September 24th, 2012

I was saved in 2010 and have been trying to live a good Christian life with my husband of 7 months. What I mean by trying is I feel I am not being the best Christian I can be. I am constantly dealing with the struggles of my husband’s pain pill abuse, financial constraint being the only one with a job, and having to endure emotional/stress/heart ache on a daily basis. I have tried the ultimatum (change or I’m gone) with my husband but he called my bluff each time. He will be “clean” long enough for me to start feeling like this time he really has changed and this might work. He will go to Church with me, but I feel it is more for show than he wants to be there. When he relapses he does not go at all and gets angry if I go without him. Many of the stories above are my situation with my husband to almost a T. My husband was just arrested for the 2nd in less than a few months. I am sure this last charge is going to have him doing some time in jail. I thought loving him would be enough and if he loved me this would change. I believe the trouble he continues to find himself in, is God’s way of showing him he is off track. It only appears this works only for a limited time and he back to his old ways. I continue to support him financially and emotionally. Even though it is breaking me in all aspects. I just don’t know if I have anymore left in me to Trust that this time he will change. Divorce is an option I am looking heavily into. I want to be the best Christian and person I can be. But my husband’s dependency is controlling me and my life. And I feel like this is holding me back from God’s plan. Or is this God’s plan for me? Is divorce just the easy answer?

Deb
4:33 am September 28th, 2012

Well my husband has hit another bottom. 10 days ago he went on a drug binge in hopes of killing himself. He has been in an intensive care since he was admitted. I still plan to divorce him. I just got through my boards and got my RN license. I am happy about this, but again my husbands sickness has put a damper on this happy time. I am planning to divorce him. Im not sure if this is the right time, but is there ever really a right time?????? I have come to find out that he has been using drugs since he was 15, he is now 35. I wasnt to have a healthy relationship with him at some point if it is possible. Im thinking that my plans to divorce him need to be shelved until he is somewhat mentally and physically well. I know this is what I will do, but I have absolutely no desire to be married to this man. He is very sick and he made me very sick until I was able to get out. He has been in and out of rehab for 2yrs but it doesn’t seem to have helped. His mind is not right. We are thinking of comminting him when he gets out of the ICU. I believe that he needs an impatient psych facility that can meet some of his mental illness needs including addiction. Dr. Steve does such a facility exist. If I have him commitied then wouldn’t that just be for a short stay? I believe that he needs a long term care facility. Do you have a any suggestions? I would really appreciate anything the readers have to offer as well. As his wife I still have power over his care. I want to do the best thing for him.

LadyUltimate
7:42 pm October 2nd, 2012

I am learning that marriage is like the lottery. Very few win, but almost everyone plays the game. I have been married to an addict for four years. He has been an addict for 3 of those four. Our first year he was clean. He went away last May to a discipleship program to help him out. It was awesome! He was there until December of 2011. We experienced love and reconciliation and our marriage grew strong during that time. Now, not even a year out and he’s back at it! Drama, rage, helplessness, drugs, drinking, depression, etc. I have been praying and talking with other ladies who lift me up, but I am just plain sick of it. Ready to get out. Scared to stay, scared to leave. Feeling oppressed, depressed and above all- STUCK.

Dianne
3:19 pm October 4th, 2012

I have read several of your post but far from all of them. I have been with my husband for 20 years, married 15. We have 4 children together. When we first met we both drank heavily together. Then I became pregnant and that all stopped for me. He continued to use off and on, more on than off. But I did not go into this relationship blindly, I knew what I was getting myself into. My husband always provided for his family, that was never an issue back then. But he worked at a bar and after work would stay out all night and his drug of choice back then was coke and drinking. I spent many a nights crying and alone. Always on edge whether his was alive or in jail, worrying about the vehicle getting impounded, all that stuff. I use to try to block the door and hide his keys. I’ve always been the investigator..lol, trying find out who’s numbers he called, where he was at, checked his pockets and hiding spots. Then his mother became ill and eventually died of cancer. This changed him for 2 years. He went to meetings, let me get his paychecks, and did really well. Well then he injured his back at work and started taking opiates. There went our life once again. He started taking things and selling them, leaving again, got really defensive and emotionally abusive, and eventually I found out he was in jail for robbery after he had been missing for 3 days. My vehicle had to be recovered and he was in jail. His step brother put up the money to bail him out right after Thanksgiving so he’d be home for Christmas. While he was out he got clean, went to marriage classes through a church organization along with me and starting attending church. In May he was sentenced to 2 years. Those 2 years were as hard at times as dealing with the addiction. Being alone, raising 3 kids at the time by myself, and dealing with my oldest behavioral issues was so hard. But during those 2 years God supplied all of my needs above and beyond. But emotionally it was hard. When my husband got out he immediately knew it was a struggle to stay clean, they have access to drugs in prison just not as much, but he decided to go to a methodone clinic. He got a job with a friend at church and did really well ( not relapse free from cocaine but few relapses). Then before his 35th birthday he was at work and couldnt remember how to do his job, he started to lose sight in one eye and his arm wouldnt function. I thought “oh great he’s messed up and he’s taken a bad batch of something”. We took him to the hospital and they drug tested him because I think they thought he was high. NO DRUGS other than methodone. He had a stroke. They found two holes in his heart. Drugs had nothing to do with it. After the stroke it was like his addiction went into full effect. Hardily any days of sobriety. He was hooked on crack. He still struggles now. When I was younger it was all about him like I was obscessed and addicted to the addict, then I submitted unto God, then when he went to jail I put up a wall of you wont hurt me, now I am verbally abusive and I belittle him. He has been through a lot in life, emotional abuse, abandonement, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, and he is so broken inside. I say all this to make this statement: When we are with someone who has an addiction, especially drugs because they add a lot of elements, it is so hard to seperate the addict from the person. We can sometimes hate the wrong person. My husband will do anything for anyone, he’s caring, a hardworker, and loves his family but when he’s using he’s a liar, munipulator, and a thief. But God keeps telling me to fight for my marriage. I’m not saying this is the answer for everybody but I’m saying hear the wisdom of others but listen to the voice of God for your situation. Don’t compare yourself to others because you, your spouse, your marriage are all unique and never perfectly matched to anyone else. Seek and pray to God for direction and don’t let fear, frustration, or anger decide for you because emotions can confuse the truth. Be blessed, Dianne

confused
2:23 am October 14th, 2012

Me and my husband met when i was 13 i was pregnant by 14. My husband and i have now been together for 15 years and have 4 beautiful kids. My husband and i smoked pot when we met when i got pregnant at 14 i never have touched any drugs since that time my life had revolved around my kids. 5 years into our relationship we got married 2 months later he told me he was a meth addict and had Bern since the start. I was devastated everything that i thought was true had just been shattered. For the next 10 years i have been trying to save him. He has been to rehab 3 times multiple counseling church groups. He has never completed them, he has did finish a30 day stay in rehab but did not complete you patient. He had continued to use drugs for 15 years sometimes meth or pills or alcohol.when he is using ether pain i feel is unexplainable i try to trust him and do the Christian thing and support him. I am to the point that there is nothing left of me. I struggle with leaving because of the guilt and my kids. And when my husband is clean he is amazing. How do you know you are leaving for unselfish reasons?

Sugarbaby73
1:45 pm October 15th, 2012

I had another experience with him leaving the home not returning. He got his check on the first and came back home with nothing. I didn’t have all my rent money because I am unemployed, but in college. My daughter help me with the rent, so I owe her money. I finally got my check to pay my college classes, but the bank took my money from unpaid depts. I am so tired of this, now I have to go on a leave from school to get back on track. His drugs and drinking habits is detroying me and my daughter. He sits around the house eating, sleeping, drinking, and raging saying he is retired. I just need help. I am thinking of leaving him.

Dianne
2:32 pm October 15th, 2012

For me, and this is just me. I will never tell you have to get out or you have to stay because I believe everyone has a differant journey and path even if we have a hundred things in common. Bottom line is you are your own person and your marriage is unique to you, your husband, and your children. But I stopped listening to me about 8 years ago for the most part. I take in the advice of others but God is my final authority in every aspect of life. As much as I have wanted to leave off and on for years, God wants me to stay. It’s about not letting the enemy achieve his ultimate goal. He attacks families and mainly marriage. He attacks marriages thru temptations and strongholds. Marriage is suppose to be a representation of the bond of God to Christ and Christ to God and both being joined as one showing love for us thru God’s gift of His Son and the gift of Christ on the cross to save us from our sin. Our marriage as a union becoming one should represent that. But the enemy comes in and one or both of us peeks in that door even if just a small little temptation. And eventually that door is wide open with a free for all for the enemy. And he starts with one then it hits the marriage, the children, extended family, and friends. And thru one union being broken hundreds of lives are generationally destroyed. I’m not promoting any marriages of violence of physical or serious emotional abuse because that’s not God. But if God ever told me to leave I would leave but I’m not gonna leave because I feel tired or angry. God loves me and my children and if He wanted me out I would know it because He loves me too much. I have to listen to His voice over my own and others.

Sara
4:53 pm October 15th, 2012

My husband can no longer acquire spice where we live. At first he would just drink heavily. A few weeks ago he flung mustard all over our living room and kitchen when he was drunk and wanted to fight. Walls, ceilings, windows, furniture, appliances, everything. Then he bought a $100 bag of weed from a neighbor. I want to call the police and turn them in but I know it will all come down on my head in the end. My husband has a very good job right now making very good money and so I tried to get him to see what he was risking. He asked me to pee in a cup for him so he can carry it in his jockey shorts all day at work in case something happens and they ask him to pee. He works a dangerous job in a dangerous industry. I said I would not pee for him because I can no longer enable him. He said I was a piece of garbage and a horrible wife, that a REAL wife would try to protect her family and have her husband’s back. He fought with me on this for almost an entire day when he was supposed to be sleeping and going to work that night. I finally had to leave. Over and over he would ask and accuse me of not caring if he lost his job and not trying to help keep a roof over our heads. I feel like he should have thought about that before he bought the pot but he doesnt’ see it that way of course. He refuses to take responsibility for it. I feel like I am doing the right thing but he started to wear me down so I told him I would pee for him if he threw away the rest of his bag and that was out of the question of course. At the end I had to wonder if I really was a bad person even though deep down I don’t feel that I am. We are in the process of divorce at this time and though I often feel like this is not really what I want, times like that I feel like it is the right thing for me and the kids to get away from him, for him to finally hit rock bottom and see what he has lost. That night he didn’t wake up in time for work. He had been drinking and smoking pot all day and didn’t go to bed until a couple hours before he had to get up for work. I tried and tried to wake him but he would open his eyes and stare at me with this stupid blank stare, looking right through me and speak gibberish. He missed work and almost lost his job but he spent the next day smoking pot all day again. After so many years I know he will never learn. His family is all enablers, and addicts themselves and it seems like everyone he knows is like him so he doesn’t understand why I am so uptight. Especially since when we were young I would do many of those things with him and now I’m just an old fuddy duddy to him. He is fighting the divorce with everything he has at home but hasn’t lifted a finger for the courts so I will be divorced by default which is his way of saying this is all on me and he never wanted a divorce and he keeps telling me I am screwing up because I have a man who loves me and treats me better than anyone else. He may love me in his own way but of course he does not treat me better than anyone else. And I love him but I have to do this for all of us. The children and I will not be able to go forward in our lives as long as he does these things in our home.

confused
9:33 am October 16th, 2012

I know divorce is never easy but it is so confusing when you can not In Imagine your life with out somebody, but you also can not Imagine living this way for the rest of your life. He is being really and says he understand why i am wanting to leave but still doesn’t his addiction he just thinks he is doomed to be like this forever. I have tried to support him for years and have gotten no where. It makes me feel like i am not important enough.

Sugarbaby73
1:42 pm October 16th, 2012

First, my last post I stated that I am going to look at him in a different way but he continues to surprise me. The beginning of the month he disappeared again when his check arrived and smoked all the money. My daughter had to help me cover his bills. Let me remind you he do not want her living with us because her living with me stops the abuse. I have come to a decision his drugs, alcohol, and habits is his first love. I have tried to love him but he continues to verbal abuse me and my daughter, also continues to make threats. I am praying because this is really affected my life. I had to go on a 90 day leave of absence from school to get my life back on track – I have one more year for my bachelors now I have to put that on hold. I am running out of options. He do not help me, clean but eat, watch television all day, and continues to say he is retired. He only make 700 dollars a month from SS, and when he get medication from his doctor, he sells to his friends for more income. I live a different life. I just do not want the Lord to be mad at me with the decision I am going to make.

Katie
6:11 am October 20th, 2012

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 yrs. He had used before I meet him and was clean for several years. We went through all the pre-marrige mentoring through the church and had many of our friends, elders, pastors and fam. praying for us. If God’s will for us to be married. This was both of our 2nd marriage. I have 3 children from former marriage.
He had an drinking insident 2 weeks into our marriage. Not coming home for 1/2 a day. He was open and said he had began drinking 4 months prier to our wedding in March. He contined this cycle about every 2 weeks. Then started using crack/cocaine.
He went to a Christian rehab, and relasped 2 wks into it. He is a Chrstian who is seeking to change, but keeps going back. In Sept. of 2011 he went out of control, tried to drown himself in river, a Pastor of our church found him and took him to Salvation Army rehab center. After 10 wks in a 9 month program he left. I told him I wasn’t ready for him to come home, but he did anyway.
He has been in and out of work, stolen, pawned, lied, decived. We have been seperated for 9 months. I have been seeking counsel from pastor and christian friends, but my hard is growing hard towards him.
What are the steps that need to be taken. I don’t like the behavoir and the uncertainty and anxiety that being married to an addict brings! My whole family wants me divorce him. My pastors are believing God will bring His will about in His timing and seeing the fruit of my husbands actions, which i agree. **** In the mean time how can you tell if someone is really committed to change when they have done the…repeant, I am sorry deal, then a wk later you find he has fourged your name on a check, or stolen your credit card, or pwaned your kids computer or family jewles. I agree wit some of these posts,, it has been more peaceful with him gone these last 9 months. I don’t want to live in fear of, what now? how am I going to pay these bills!!! I home school my children, I didn’t think I was getting a 4th child when I got married. I know I have sin that Christ forgives and I have contiuned to show forgiveness and grace and love my husband.
Living out 1 peter 3 was a main thing I focused on for at least the last 2 years.

Summer
8:29 pm October 22nd, 2012

I have been married to my Husband since 2006. We have been together since 2004. We have two toddler children together. He is into selling weed, growing weed, and smoking it. I have tried to leave him so many times without success. Every time I try and leave, he emotionally manipulates me in staying or change only until he knows he won me back. I am so tired of this viscous cycle. I want out,

I can’t keep living like this. I fear for my children, I don’t want them growing up thinking this is the way to live. I also don’t want to risk them because of his lifestyle. One of the reasons why i have stayed is because of fear I am breaking my vows to God. I am so anxious to leave but don’t know where to start. I am also afraid that he will try to persuade me back and I give in to him. I have been handling our bills, clothes, and house supplies for the past 9 years.

He doesn’t help and when i do have extra money he asks for it. He hasn’t worked since 2006. When we had our first child he caused me to lose our place by getting us raided and I still took him back. I’m tired of being naive and risking everything for him, I just don’t want to cause sin by divorcing. We have tried counseling, therapy etc. no success. The other day I told him how I feel, told him when the lease was up that I would be seeking divorce again. He agreed that he needs to change but the next day he talks excitedly about wanting to grow plants, him doing that really made me decide to leave as planned in a few months. So I told him again how I felt and he tried to butter me out go out and by a card, candy and balloon like that will make me stay.

every time I take charge of my life and get up the courage to leave he tries to keep me with flattery. Other times its so bad that he will act like nothing is wrong, pretend that we never discussed these issues like everything is fine between us. . In the past his family was involved, they would treat me like I am the problem, like he could do know wrong and they know the things he is doing. When my family steps in to get him to stay away its like they are so wrong and need to mind their business. This is so unfair, not just to me but mostly to my children.

Feb 2012, I filed for divorce but let him talk me out of it. Too many broken promises. I feel like the only way he can’t easily knock on my door or try to come back in my life is if I move out of state or get restraining order if I was to make him leave now. The different times I did put him out, he would break through my window to get back in. I am starting to wonder if it is just weed that he is on. What kind of life is this to continue in? Please help, any advice is greatly appreciated. I will update in a few months.

Rae
3:18 am October 24th, 2012

My husband has been sober from drugs and alcohol for 6 months, praise God, but the battle of a peaceful home still continues. Nothing has changed except for that he is not using. Meaning he still has explosive anger. He name calls, gets in my face, he will grab my arms to turn me away if I am near him. We have two children. 2 and 4 months. This is a vulnerable time for the children being that the 2 year old is now picking up on behaviors and imitating. The environment at home is hostile and unpredictable. Sometimes things are great and our lives are looking up and then it blows up in my face. Literally. All I have is God to stand on. I understand that my husband is completely raw and has no coping skills because of his years of drug abuse. We have been in counseling for almost a year and a half. He is still angry and abusive…name calls, pulls children from my arms, yells. I am no longer attracted to him because of his behavior. I try to speak to him from my heart in honesty and it all gets thrown in my face…he believes I am attacking him and manipulating the situation. I feel my faith in God growing stronger and feel my marriage slowly slip away. I’m exhausted of his nit picking, nagging, anger, I’m never good enough attitude towards me. I’m beyond ready to turn a new leaf but my husband seems addicted to the drama and gets caught up in a psychotic cycle. I can’t do this anymore. I’m burnt out and feel as though if his explosive anger doesn’t stop it could greatly impact our children and possibly get him arrested (due to me calling the police on his abuse). To Katie above, I’m sorry, I have no advice for you. Addicts are exhausting. I feel your pain and will be praying for you and your family.

katie
4:54 pm October 24th, 2012

I would have to agree with Rae, flattery is a way for my husband to “win” me over to his sick schemes. I too have a sickness, my need to be loved and needed from a man. My only true source of love is from Christ. And until I become healed in Him, I will allow myself to be manipulated, but at the time I don’t see it. I am blinded by my own desire of love. So I am best without allowing myself to have contact of ANY with my husband. I need time to get renewed by the Holy Spirit and let my mind have a new “normal” God has use this to reveal to me my weaknesses and grow me.

Rae seek the Bible for wisdom, look up in the back of bible for the word “divorce” and look them up.
God does use all things to grow and strengthens us, if we choose to obey HIS WAYS. We can still have peace that passes understanding and joy even through the the hard times. He knows what we need in our life to grow us and mold us.
Hang in there sister!! It bites.
A restraining order may be needed if you and/or your kids are in danger. You are responsable for their safety.

Tab Benoit
7:43 pm October 24th, 2012

Rae – I am a male and went through the SAME thing. You gotta give him some time., sorry to tell you that, but it’s the truth. It took me about 1 year to finally get back to reality on things. The body is rewiring itself ‘back to normal’ mode and takes a while. I was just like him, I look back on it and SO-SO dang happy my wife stayed with me. I know it’s hard for you to be there day after day and not knowing what to expect next, but BELIEVE me, it will get better. I thought after I quit that is who I was, angry, explosive and on the edge with everything. About 8 months after I quit, things starting changing with me in a good way. About 12 months out, I was clam and laid back with stuff. Overall, just give him some time to let his body sort things out. He may not know it, but there is a lot of damage substances can do to our body, but we go on our merry ole way. Hang in there and God Bless. I 101% promise you it will get better. Ted

Christy
6:28 am October 26th, 2012

Wow, I see my own story reflected time and time again in these posts. I married my husband three years ago, but found out afterwards he was smoking pot. He told me he hid it from me because he knew I wouldn’t marry him if I had known. Great start.
Anyway, we have other issues but I’ll start with a bit about me.
I was brought up in a very controlling church (i.e. cult). As bad as they were, it has been my family which have so mercilessly controlled and manipulated my life to cause me to act and submit the way they deem fit. I walked out of that church at age 25, but only more recently started to understand the cult dynamics in my family (I’m now 30).
This matters because a) I easily succum to manipulation, and b) my family took a dislike to my husband and have tried to manipulate him into submission to their expectations. This was very painful to watch, and has caused me to do everything I can to protect him from them, whilst still having a relationship with them.
Problem is, I think I have been so busy defending him, that I never stopped to see what they saw, a man well versed in manipulation!
So, the Lord has been taking me through a process for a long time now, gratually establishing my self esteem, and opening my eyes to see what is going on around me.
Back to my husband, not long after we got married, he quit his job and lived off my income for about 18 months. I tried so hard to motivate him to find work but he told me it was his long service leave and that he deserved it. He blamed me for a whole heap of stuff around the wedding, but I now undersand that he was just manipulating me. He needs to start being accountable for his own mistakes and actions.
Well, it’s all started to spiral in the last few months. He’s not only refusing to hide his pot use, but he is actually doing it in front of me and blatantly telling me it’s okay, he is a good boy, and don’t worry about it. After reading all the posts above, I see he is trying to erode my morales to accept this rotten behaviour.
He refuses to accept he has a problem, let alone get help.
The effect on me, particularly given my background, is crushing. I can’t rely on him, I can’t trust him, he does nothing around the house except make a mess he jokingly tells me to clean up (except it’s not a joke because he won’t do it).
I’ve had enough. I want out. I believe God would understand my stance as he’s somewhat actively destroying our marriage. I believe his cheating (not with other people, problem is it is never with me) is grounds, however the manipulation and abuse he brings to the table defiles the marriage and erodes the trust and value of me to a similar level.
So, what on earth do I tell my parents? They are the only safe place I could go, but I see them as much of a danger as what my husband is. Truth is, he is the lesser evil so I’m stuck.
I’m seeking God because unless He does something, I’m stuck for good. The only blessing I see in it all is that I decided not to have kids because I didn’t trust that he would raise them the way I wanted while I was at work. That and the fact that I don’t believe I’m in a mental or emotional state that I could give a child what a child deserves.
God has taken me a long way since my cult days, I know He won’t forsake me now. I just don’t know if He wants to stand by me in my marriage, or in my seperation.

Jena
4:30 am October 27th, 2012

My husband has been addicted to perscription pain meds for 6 years. It consumed our marriage. He only spoke to me when he was begging for more. He would find his meds, take 20+ 10mg tabs per day and then scream at me when I confronted him. I hate pain pills and almost never drink.

We have the most beautifull 3 year old son. We had so much to live for. Beautiful home, 3 cars, great jobs . . . and everything has crumbled. I found him supplementing with street drugs and found him consistently drinking while driving with our son in the car . . . I had no choice but to leave him.

After I left he went downhill, no longer maintaining a functioning life at all. He started heavily drinking and eventually collapsed at his mothers house. He was taken to the hospital by the paramedics and placed in detox the next day.

Within 2 hours of getting out of the hospital I found him drinking. He is making his choices and they do not include me or my son.

He is in a program now and I believe that he might be sober. I am struggling with the destruction that he has left behind in our lives. I am seeking God as He is the reconciler of all things, but my husband does not seek Him.

My husband only talks about how this disease is what has caused all of this and how he was predispositioned to it. He lacks any form of accountability.

I want to move on with my life my heart is hard and I absolutely acknowledge that this is not of the Lord. How long am I supposed to wait for Him to become the man that Christ would have him to be?

Summer
4:55 pm October 29th, 2012

Sara, is it possible if we can email each other? Going through similar problems as you.

Sara
3:44 pm October 30th, 2012

Summer, I would be happy to email you but I don’t want to post my email address. Maybe Dr. Steve can help us out with that. It does sound like we are in very similar situations and anyone who hasn’t been there just does not understand why it’s so hard to just walk away and not look back or why it’s so hard to say no to them when they beg and plead and make promises. I am currently still not divorced and my husband is back to trying to talk me out of the divorce again. I am so lost and confused. I went to a counselor and he told me I needed medication for depression but that opens a whole new world of problems because #1- you can’t have meds in a house with an addict- they would take cyanide pills if they thought it would get them high. #2- I am the devil for trying to get help for myself, for having mental issues resulting from years of struggling with him and feeling like I am not important enough, and taking meds but he can self medicate every day of his life and that’s ok because he sees nothing wrong with what he does. He’s not the one with the problem. Recently he spent days telling me how concerned he supposedly was for me because I am obviously incapable of happiness if I can’t be happy with a man who loves me as much as he does and that I am some kind of sick person for making him responsible for my happiness. I am not making him responsible for my happiness but when you feel that someone disrespects you and plays with your heart then it definitely affects your ability to be happy. He’s happy, of course, because he gets to do whatever he wants, damn the consequences. Forget about responsibility or common courtesy. He says sometimes you have to step on people’s toes to make yourself happy even if it’s someone who loves you and who you supposedly can’t live without. What a selfish way to go through life!

Christal
5:57 pm November 3rd, 2012

I don’t know what to do….. The man I fell in love with and married has turned into an addict, which comes with lies, deciet, and so much more. It hurts too bad. I’ve done all I can do.

Christal
9:36 pm November 3rd, 2012

so, do I continue to believe God for my husband’s deliverance, and stay here? Or leave and see what happens? I’ve believed. He goes to church. Heck, he’s been to church high numerous times. He keeps saying “something happened, i’m changed, i know what i have to do…” And still it’s the same thing over and over. He gets his drugs mostly from his kids and parents (and more of his family). I’ve told him he’s going to have to stay away from them, but he don’t. I’m seeking wise council.

Summer
10:15 pm November 4th, 2012

Sarah, Wow I am going through the exact same thing. Depression from the whole situation being prescribed meds, This is so very disturbing and yes confusing. I haven’t gotten a reply back from Dr. Steve so I’ll keep waiting for his reply. Thanks for sharing your story, I can really relate to all you have said. I’ll pray for us all!

Summer
7:54 pm November 5th, 2012

Christal, If you have done all you can do and there is still no change I think its best to separate or divorce. I have done all I can in my marriage also so I will be filing for divorce very soon. It may take for us to leave them for them to take us serious.

Deb
9:16 pm November 6th, 2012

My husband is 58 days sober today and he is staying in a christian based rehab center out in Flint MI called Life Challenge. I am happy for him and will always care for him, but I know with out a doubt that I cannot be married to this man. WAY to much has happened. So I hope that helps some of you. PEACE and LOVE

CJ
5:04 pm November 7th, 2012

Wow..I am overwhelmed with the posts that I have read today….
I married my husband 15 years ago, after dating him for 8…(we were 12 when we got together.) We have practically grew up together and did everything TOGETHER….
Just like so many others, my story is so similar and yet different. We worked in the ministry together. We helped start a new church and traveled in ministry for almost 10 years. In 2005, he was at work (HVAC) and the ladder broke. He fell onto a concrete floor from the attic…
He became addicted to his pain pills. Since then, we have been through 4 detoxes together. (Him not me-just wanted to clarify)
We have 3 wonderful children…
In 2010, the weight was so heavy I could no longer stay…I left with the kids. Of course, it was after many years of emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse… When I left, our water and power had been cut off, we had our vehicles repossessed, and he had just spent over $2,000 on drugs the week before.
I am not an advocate of divorce…I hate it. I don’t even like the separation. But I can say that I truly did everything GOD commanded me to do as his wife, until my life and the life of my children were in jeapordy…I had already forbid him to drive with them, I wasn’t even leaving them alone at home with him.
I now know, he had been snorting cocaine, along with many other pills and doing meth. (Weed and alcohol was leisurely experienced.)
I think when you are in this kind of situation, you DO have to still show them the love of GOD. Even when you are hurting and MAD. I upset many family members by still honoring him as my husband even though we were separated. My goal is and was for him to look back, whether we reconcile or not, and be able to honestly say, I honored the LORD in every action and step I took, and therefore honored him. It wasn’t because he deserved it and it wasn’t because ne required it, but because as a child of GOD I want to always honor GOD even in this….I want HIM to find me faithful to HIS WORD.
I covered *M* even in his failure. I still do…I will not speak ill of him. I love him very much.
He went to a rehab clinic in 2011 and stayed 8 weeks. It was a long 8 weeks for every one. And although he has stated he would never go through this again, he still chooses to use….

I believe that with GOD, *M* can be a wonderful man. His heart is full of LIFE and love when he is not using. And I have encouraged him to take the time while we are separated to find out what makes him happy. TO pursue the gifts and talents that GOD has placed within him and RUN for GOD! I have told him that regardless of whether we work this out, I want him happy and healthy, and HOLY….And I want that for his goodness and well being.
I think we forget as spouses, that because we are in the situation, and hurt, why we were in love to begin with. I spoke to my dad, (a pastor) and asked him for guidance in this. His response to me was this: “Do you believe that GOD ordained this marriage? Meaning, when you married *M*, do you believe it was meant to be? That GOD had placed you here for each other?” And without hesitation, I said, “YES.” So his next question was this, “Do you think GOD changed HIS Mind?”
I still believe GOD ordained us…as a couple. And I am still living separated from him… I think when we are asking if it’s okay to separate, its not always permission to divorce. But permission to take the time to step away and PRAY and intercede for how GOD would like us to proceed. I hope that makes sense.
I just wanted to encourage those ladies who are asking GOD what to do, to continue to ask, seek and pray. It is not always THUS saith, but you will know and have peace with the decision GOD leads you with…
I want you to know that GOD is a faithful GOD. Even to redeem and restore your loved one (spouse) to HIS fulness as a GODly believer. And HE just might use you to plant a seed to do it…
My dad passed away in Sept of this year. Suddenly and unexpected. A devastating blow for us all, including my husband. And since his passing, *M* has been working to improve his life. And I believe the addict needs to do this for HIS own good.
And I agree with Adam, there is a time of proving. A time of showing the fruit that is growing within and we find that in the scripture. In Psalms 26:2, the Bible says, Examine me, O Lord, and prove me.
Colossians 1:10 says, That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;

As a child of GOD, I believe we have to be the example we want to see in others. I cannot ask of my husband to live or be something I am not first willing to do myself. (Just in case you are wondering, I am not an addict. I have never used drugs. Not saying that to exhort myself but just wanted you to know.)
I want to live so that I can show JESUS to my children, my husband and those who live in “my world.”
Let us strive to HONOR GOD in every action and word we do…
I pray you will receive this in love. For it is meant in love.

Sara
4:38 pm November 13th, 2012

Thank you, CJ. Your post was a blessing to me this morning!

Summer
11:49 pm November 14th, 2012

Update:

I finally got up the courage and separated from my husband today until I can get a divorce. took him off lease and gave him all his belongings. It is time to take back charge of my life and heal emotionally and mentally. No more feeling sorry for him. It’s time to give my all to God and my children. I will be blocking all calls and any pop up visits I know he will attempt to do. Good Bless you all and I wish you the best.

deb
10:40 pm November 21st, 2012

Hi all. I wanted to take the time to wish all of you addiction bloggers a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are all with the ones that you love and are at peace this holiday.

deb
10:41 pm November 21st, 2012

Hi all. I wanted to take the time to wish all of you addiction bloggers a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are all with the ones that you love and are at peace this holiday. Very best wishes to all of you in the cyber world. Deb

deb
10:42 pm November 21st, 2012

Oh yeah. Dr Steve. Thanks for creating a place where people can converse about this problem. Not everyone can relate, you know.

Mike
5:12 am December 2nd, 2012

I am a man and have a wife of 28 years who has been an addict for about 28 years. All of our children are grown now and I am fortunate that they all are OK. I feel that I have failed them and that I am weak.
We have struggled for many years and about 13 years ago I thought that finally she had got better after she was released from prison for writing thousands of dollars worth of hot checks. I thought that I could keep my own credit and bank accounts and could get by this way. She got back into pills (opiates). She attempted to get off of the pills by getting methadone treatments. After one of the treatments the clinic let her leave without checking to see if someone else was driving. She fell asleep driving on the way home and crashed into a bank of a creek head on at about 60 MPH. She was then air lifted to the hospital in critical condition. After multiple surgeries over the last few years she is constantly in pain and takes more pills that ever. She is now considered to be disabled. I found out that she is not only taking pills from her doctor but is going to multiple pain clinics (pill mills) and spending thousands of dollars on them. I think that she is probably dealing to get more. I have also found out that she took out atleast $50K in student loans and somehow forged my name as a co-signer on them. They all have defaulted and I have been told that the only way that I will not be held responsible is to file a police report. I am in my 50′s and this could brake me. It has destroyed my credit to the point that I cannot even take out a home equity loan for a house that is > 85% paid off. I have lived in fear and hurt for 28 years now and I struggle with the question of what God would want me to do.This is something that tears at me all of the time. I hurt and have always been able to adapt but now I’m finding myself edging toward clinical depression.

Sara
12:57 am December 5th, 2012

Everything seemed to be going fairly well. My divorce fell through, I got a letter from the court stating I didn’t serve him with an important paper and they would take no further action. Getting him served was next to impossible the first time so I took this as a sign that the divorce was not meant to be, at least not right now. That and the fact that he promised to get his crap together and quit smoking marijuana and well, you all know the script. He seemed to be doing decent. He cut way back on smoking weed but never really quit. He buckled down at work and we put some money in savings and started the process of buying a house (much needed since we have our pre-teen son and daughter sharing a room right now in our small apartment). We are half way to closing and today everything fell apart. He got drunk and high and forced his way into the neighbor’s house, was making sexual advances at her when her son walked in with a gun and made him leave. He left and came back, banging on her doors and windows (like he does when I lock him out) and trying to tear off her screens and yelling at her and her son, threatening them so she called the police. I came home at lunch and saw the cops in the driveway and called him and he swore he didn’t do anything and got angry with me when I didn’t believe him. They don’t send five cop cars to get someone who hasn’t done anything. I didn’t know what had happened yet. He began screaming at me not to come in the house and blaming me for the cops being there, telling me he wants all the money out of savings and will not buy a house with me and that he hates me and that I hurt him by not trusting him. After several voicemails repeating this over and over and calling me every name in the book, he went silent. Haven’t been able to reach him all afternoon, and I am stuck at work trying to put on a smile and pretend my life is not in crisis. The neighbor called me at work to explain and what am I supposed to say? I know I am his wife and I am supposed to stand by him but how can I stand by him when he’s doing this? She said it’s not the first time he has tried to do this and she is scared for her and her son and honestly I get that because I’ve been scared of him too. And what was going through his head when he was trying to get into her house and rubbing himself against her? We weren’t fighting at all, I have been on medication to keep myself calm and to be able to cope so I haven’t been losing my temper with him, just trying to keep my eye on the prize which is owning my first home and giving my children a decent place to live. I have so many emotions running through me right now and I am scared what is going to happen tonight when I get off work and have to go home with my kids.

Victoria
3:13 am December 9th, 2012

The day before Thanksgiving I called the police on my husband and his friend. The spending had gotten so out of control that I literally had no food to feed my children and bills like rent were not getting paid even though he told me they were. He was getting more and more money from his job but we were seeing none of it.

They (him and his friend) had also started smoking that synthetic marijuana in the house around my children. My oldest who is 4 was so angry all the time and my 3 yo was scared of him the only one not impacted as badly was my 1 yo.

I had to put up with being groped in private, in front of our children and in front of other people but the worst was when he did it in public with no remorse saying I was his wife and he could do what he wanted. He was verbally, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive to me and especially verbally abusive to out 3 yo because of a careless comment by his brother when he was born ? whose baby it was even though I had never been unfaithful.

The night before he stone cold sober told me he could put this kitchen knife in me and get away with it, I had been sitting at the kitchen table reading a book when he said this to me, than when I got up to get a drink out of the refrigerator and refused to kiss me while telling him to get his hands off of me, he picked up the same knife and laughingly said he would cut my lips off so he could have them to kiss whenever he wanted. I was terrified but could not show it or let him know. It wasn’t until the next night when he took the money I had for groceries for my kids and had verbally barraged my 3yo in the worst way possible that I said enough is enough.

He got arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia and criminal domestic violence. They could have chosen to fine him also for the paraphernalia the fines were upwards $30,000 later on I found out he had lied to me and gotten money from his brother after spending the money I had that was meant for groceries and bought drugs with that also.

I prayed so long and hard for my marriage and for things to change but eventually for the Lord to deliver me out of this marriage. If you could see my children now in the few short weeks he has been in jail you wouldn’t even believe the change in them. He got a slap on the wrist because he pled guilty to both charges and they chose not to pursue unlawful conduct towards a child charges because if they did they may have had to charge me for not removing them from the room before calling….if they had he would be in a lot longer….

I am a disabled vet who gets a small disability check every month and am limited in the type of work that I am able to do. Since having him arrested I have gotten an eviction notice and am now being forced to sell everything we own pretty much just to be able to start over. I am going to be able to get assistance with my lights and rent from a veterans organization but my landlord decided the neighbors being upset and the police being around didn’t look very good so even if I pay the rent she still wants me to leave.

All of that said I would do it again in a heartbeat. Something I said to him that never sunk in, the Lord gave you this family and he can’t take it away. Pray that it won’t be taking us permanently. The Lord knew this is now how I wanted my children raised and I never wanted them to think this was normal for families. They are young enough it will be a distant memory one day but for me it is going to take me a long time to get over the abuse.

What made it worse was his boss was a pastor and he was telling my husband what a horrible wife I was and what I needed to be doing. So he would than come home and try to use what the pastor had told him to manipulate me/guilt me into things. I had talked to the pastors wife and told her what was going on with the addiction and abuse and she said she was going to talk to him but I don’t believe it was ever addressed as when he found out I had my husband arrested he basically sat there and acted like I was lying about everything. He has still offered no help or support even though he worked with him for almost a year. My non-christian friends have done more to help me than this man and my christian neighbor…..

Every ones situation is unique and the Lord leads people depending on there situation. I truly believe that but nobody should have to stay with an abuser or an addict. If he doesn’t kill you the abuse will not to mention what it maybe doing to your children. I have seen that first hand.

Victoria
3:34 am December 9th, 2012

For those ladies who are experiencing abuse of any kind contact your local domestic violence shelter they have a lot of resources to tap into without you having to necessarily needing to go into the shelter and another great option is speaking to the victims advocate in your county which your local shelter can put you in touch with them.

My local shelter put me in touch with the victims advocate for the shelter who helped me do the paperwork for my protection order but also her co-worker does free counselling and if you can’t get to her as long as the abuser is not in the house she will come to your house. They can help you refer you to legal help and all sorts of ministries/churches that have assistance with bills ect. in your county. Every state has been given grants to help people pay there rent/lights but churches are also helping with that sort of thing, food banks, clothes ect…..

Your not stuck you have options and there are people that are willing and able to help you through this….abuse is separate from the addiction they just like to blame there abuse on the addiction and you are in the most danger when you try to leave even if he has never laid a hand on you so I would suggest putting together a safety plan for leaving.

Keep your eyes on the Lord and let Him lead you, He promises to show you which path to take if you are following Him and to never leave you are forsake you. That is most important above anything else.

Jen
3:46 pm December 9th, 2012

I haven’t been on here in awhile and just read all of the posts that have been done since I have. I am saddened to see so many people going through similar situations to what I have. Since I last posted my husband chose to leave the treatment center he was in (in Aug.) going to a sober living facility in the same town. Then in Sept. he came home from there, which I had a hand in and am now thinking was a mistake on my part..even though him being there really was not benefiting anyone but him so he didn’t have to deal w/the responsibility of having a wife & children to care for. Anyways, he came home in Sept. and decided about 3 weeks ago that he just doesn’t want to be married anymore. I am struggling. I stood by this man’s side for his addiction, abuse (which at times has gone both ways). Since becoming a Christian about 2 years ago I have tried so hard to make things work, to do what the Lord would want me to do. I am confused as to why now? Why when he had a few months of good recovery did he decide he doesn’t want to be with the one person who stood by his side through it all. I know his thinking is one of an adolescent. I know that I cannot change his mind. I have decided that I will not file for divorce. He chose to leave, there is nothing I can do to change his mind and I won’t even try. I pray for him every day, multiple times a day. He has now started drinking again since he moved out. (Again, don’t get how being with his family and sober was the wrong choice…being alone & drinking is better?). His heart seems to be hardened to me. He will ask me to pray for him and he has spoken to our pastor and knows this is not what the Lord wants for him, he told our pastor basically he was wasting his breath and that even though he knows the Lord does not want us to divorce he is doing it anyways. I cannot do anything but pray for him. I did all I could. I Have repented to him and the Lord for the mistakes I have made. I try to be supportive even now, telling him I am praying for him and that I still love him. I get ignored. I don’t know how to love him any different than I am now. I don’t know what will happen. I just know I will stand by my marriage vows and not forsake my husband as long as we are married. There is more peace in my home and I am relying more on the Lord to help me through. Maybe this was His plan all along. I am trusting Him…that He will comfort & provide for me & my kids. That He will send men to show my boys what a Christian man should be. God bless all of you! 2 Corinthians 2:19.

Summer
6:52 pm December 9th, 2012

God Bless You Victoria!

Lynn
10:59 pm December 9th, 2012

1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV
New International Version

“But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in PEACE.”

You are not bound to these people, you may want to do everything you can to help them, but if they choose not to get clean, that’s on them, not you

CJ
4:04 pm December 10th, 2012

I am praying for you all and your families!
thank you for sharing your life with me! Just know you are not alone! I will continue to pray for you!
Carrie

Waiting on God
9:23 pm December 29th, 2012

It’s a long story really but in short: My husband is an alcoholic. He has been for years (I suspected) but I started to confront him with proof in the past 3-4 years. We have been married for 18 years and were childhood friends. He hates being confronted. He lies all the time about how much he drinks. I find receipts, etc showing that he drinks all day everyday (starting in the morning). He can do this because he works for himself. I have a great job and I stay super busy. The girls are involved in sports and I run with them to practices, games, etc.all the time. I used to travel with my job (and I loved it) but I took another job so I wouldn’t have to go because my girls hated it when I would leave them with him. He is abusive mentally to me calling me terrible names like cunt, bitch, etc. He has become physical with me at times. I can make it on my own. I know it but I would have to give up a lot (the new house, etc.) I beg and plead with God daily to heal him. Two of our girls our teens and they are starting to hate him. I am sick of living like this. He doesn’t always contribute to the family finances. I often wonder if God even hears me?

Lynn
9:05 pm December 30th, 2012

It’s interesting, I have been on this feed for a few months and I’m amazed at the way that our marriages are under attack; just know that you are not alone. My advice to you all is to find a church that has a drug program/support service, it’s a great source of support. I myself reached the point last month where I had had it with my husband and his addiction and laziness (we didn’t even have rent money for December and he was spending his days high as a kite and not trying to help raise the money for rent) and I finally snapped, I took a swing at him during an argument and he called the police on me and under CA state law I was arrested! Thank God there was no mark left on him, he had jumped back and the blow glanced off of him, but I’ve been charged with domestic violence: battery, it’s a nightmare! I just finished grad school and I need to find a job and this is hanging over my head and I’m broke and desperately looking for work. My husband left me that night, and he has said that he wants a divorce. During this time I have had a lot of time to think and pray, I have remembered how wonderful our relationship once was, but it has been warped and torn apart by addiction, depression, and lies on his part, and codependence, anger, and critical bitterness on my part which eventually led to me actually making it physical and getting arrested. I have had to learn to accept the fact that while my husband has behaved horribly, I am no passive victim, I have contributed to the situation as well; though while he blames me for his addiction and depression right now, I know that that is not true, while I didn’t know how to handle the situation and accidentally added fuel to the fire, I didn’t start the fire, that’s on him, I’ve got my own things that I must face but I’m not taking the blame for his problems. I pray that we can work our problems out via separation instead of divorce, but I have to accept that I cannot change him, that must be God’s doing and he must allow God in (he’s not a Christian), but I have come across some things that have been helpful to my own heart that I thought I’d share with you all.

http://blogs.cbn.com/battlingaddictions/archive/2012/08/24/why-are-you-addicted.aspx

Here’s a good sermon for you as well (click on the Dec. 30th sermon)
http://www.livestream.com/calvarymonterey/video?clipId=pla_8dd57ae2-9d8f-4992-9e18-409f5648cba5&utm_source=lslibrary&utm_medium=ui-thumb

Another thing you may want to look up is “passive aggressive behavior”, not all addicts exhibit this behavior, but my husband has fallen into it, so learning how to deal with it may help you to learn how to counteract it before you snap and end up in a situation such as mine. God Bless You All!

Another good Biblical passage is Psalm 23, it has been a great help to me lately. Sometimes separation is necessary, in my case had we separated earlier we may have been able to work things out before we reached the breaking point like we have now. Please pray for me and my husband, the situation seems hopeless (he won’t even speak to me right now) but God is with us and sees our suffering.

Lynn
9:15 pm December 30th, 2012

An interesting part of today’s sermon (see my previous post) talked about loving and forgiving, but the pastor also pointed out that while you need love and forgiveness, you don’t have to allow someone to drag you down with them. God does not call us to do that, he calls us to love and forgive, but protecting ourselves is NOT sinful, when a man chooses drugs and destruction that means that he is rebelling against God and is neglecting and abusing his marriage, we are not called to allow him to bring us down as well. We cannot save them, we can love them, but we cannot save them that is God’s power alone and some people will never allow God to heal them and some will, but sometimes it is necessary to step out of the way and allow God to deal with them directly and protect ourselves through separation, we may be unwittingly enabling them and it’s very very easy to fall into codepedency with an addict. I plan on checking out Al-Anon, which is for people whose lives have been affected by the drug and alcohol abuse of their loved ones. Please protect yourselves and keep praying that God will reveal to you the way that you should go, and when he tells you to act, do it! I didn’t step out of the way when God told me to and a month later I snapped and got arrested.

Sara
5:06 pm December 31st, 2012

Lynn,
I feel for you so much right now. I know exactly what you mean by saying you snapped. I have been there too many times but I have been fortunate in that my husband doesn’t want the attention of the police because he often has warrants or some other unfinished business. I have learned to walk away and distance myself from him whenever it gets to that point and whenever it is possible. But that’s not to say that I don’t think it could ever happen again because I know that he could get me to that point again. I think my husband is back on spice again because I see a definite change in his personality again, a lazy and negative attitude, a distance from his family and dropping all responsibilities in favor of acting like a fool. That and frequent trips to the bathroom to hack and cough. My children were sadly the first to notice that he smelled of spice. I initially hushed them and brushed it off but as the days go on, I’m seeing they were right. We are weeks away from closing on our house and though I am doing it pretty much on my own (everything is in my name, etc) he could easily sabotage us by spending our closing costs that we have saved so I am treading lightly just trying to get through this and get into the new house. The police have shown up at the house looking for him. I know it’s only a matter of time. I hate what he’s doing to our family. Recently he and his brother drove drunk in a snow storm over the mountain to go to a bar. He spent the last of our money that wasn’t already allocated to bills, lied to me, drove his truck drunk and ran into a curb and messed up his wheel and then asked me to come get him from the bar. At first I said no but then I caved and loaded me and the kids up in my tiny car and drove over the mountain in the snow to get him late at night. When we got there, he refused to come with us. I snapped but I used my words and said I hated him and I wish he was dead. I prayed to God to forgive me for that but also, I do wish he was dead. Not my husband, but the person he becomes when he acts this way. I do wish that man was dead so I could have my husband back. I do hate that man. I am sorry if that is wrong. But what isn’t wrong about all of this?

Jennie
2:06 am January 5th, 2013

Hello everyone. Reading all of your posts, it is comforting yet sad to know I am not alone. Married 17 years, 2 children (15 and 11 yrs old) and to a normal-looking, hard working, little league-coaching OPIATE addict. In the last 5 years we have separated twice, gone to our pastor, to counseling, NA meetings twice, outpatient rehab a few times….. lots of broken promises. He lost his job, we’ve been in foreclosure twice, he has stolen and pawned our gold, cleaned out our savings and retirements accounts – including my 15 year old daughter’s college fund – and for awhile had to live on someone else’s couch after saying goodbye to his kids every night with tears in everyone’s eyes, all due to drugs. I prayed continuously, always looking for God to guide me. I took him back for ONE LAST TIME in December (for the 6th time in 5 years), after he said he had hit rock bottom. He is using again, just a few weeks after he promised and promised and begged and promised. I always think about Jesus saying to forgive 7 times 70, but there is a difference between forgiving and ACCEPTING abuse. At this point, I feel like believing his lies is equal to enabling him. I am going to file for divorce and try to get an attorney to make him move out. I still love him but don’t love my life and don’t want to teach my children that this is acceptable or normal in any way. Any feedback is welcome. I am no longer struggling with my decisions but am very sad and disappointed once again.
Jennie

Shannon
2:11 pm January 11th, 2013

Hi I am so glad I found this blog. I have asked God for an answer for my situation and I found 141 stories on this blog that are all in common with my struggle. I have been married to my husband for 11 yrs and he has had many addictions, we were kids at 20ys old so even though he was getting out of his 2or3rd rehab at that time I felt he would change and married him at the young age of 20. Today I”m 32 and he is still an addict. His addiction has progressed from weed to pills to cocaine now shooting Heroin for the past 4 years. So many things I have lost along the way, I can’t tell you what it felt like to see your husband walking up the road home without your car, or driving down the road and seeing someone else driving your brand new car that your husband loaned out for money, he has not worked more than 6 months at a job ever, he has never bout me a Christmas gift or birthday gift or anniversary gift in 11years, I still don’t have a wedding ring! If I wanted one I had to buy it myself. He has Hepatitic C , he has cheated on me with other girls that have used with him, he ran a dope house, and currently we have not been intimate in more than 6 months because the lies are so bad that I fear I may be at risk for some kind of disease from him sharing needles. I have been with this man for 19years in total since I was 14. I got started using drugs myself from being with him and have been sober now for many years. I have endured so many horrible things and have left countless times, each time I took him back out of love and somehow when I never thought it possible, it got worse. Through all these years I do have a success story. I stopped living for my husband years ago, got a personal relationship with god. Even though it was weak for many years it was still my lifeline. I had always kept a job, I finished nursing school as an LPN , and just this year I finished RN school. Last week for New Year’s Day my husband and I spent the night at my brothers to celebrate. In the morning I went to breakfast with my dad and my husband was supposed to pick me up after our meal, long story short. I didn’t see him until the next night so I had to break in my own house, and go on with no car no purse no money because he had grabbed them all for 2 days! I was literally stranded. That was the las straw for me! When he did come home I dropped him and his clothes off at a local hospital with a psychiatric floor that would have state funding for a rehab for him. I changed my number and have contacted the social service department of the hospital and told them I want no communication. It broke my heart because I love this man dearly. I would not wish addiction on my worst enemy it is awful. It destroys everything it touches like a fire. I have so much guilt from deciding to go on with my life and for him to find his help on his own but I know nothing else has worked and I have peace right now. I struggle with the thought of divorce because I am the type of person who always has hope that someone will change. Basically I had to come to terms with myself my heat my mind and god to decide one of two things: either I stay and I possible endure more of this and avoid a divorce so that I can keep being with my husband or separate and go through with a divorce. I have decided that I cannot live like this not one more day and I plan to file divorce so that I ensure that I will not go through this again. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I will always love my husband and I will probably always want to be with him but I cannot live like this anymore! God did not intend for me to live a life of misery and varying his burden. I hope that others on this blog find their way. I start counseling for myself in a week to take care of my mind and to work through the codependency. God bless

Shannon
2:21 pm January 11th, 2013

Jennie-
You are doing the right thing. I realized that if I really did love my husband then I need to realize that I am enabling him to use if I turn my head and do nothing. I love him enough to not do that for him anymore. You honestly could be saving his life. He may never understand that but it is a selfless gift of love that you are doing for him not enabling him. Just being with an addict has consequences. I think you are doing the right thing and I encourage you to continue to seek God throughout your difficult situation

Teri
7:18 pm January 23rd, 2013

I agree, I have been there and done that! For 33 years I felt as though I was sleeping with a drug and not a person, with a loaded gun(literally) and not someone who was supposed to love me….I left several years ago, am now remarried and my husband and I deal with more “normal” marriage issues. Things are not perfect and won’t be this side of Heaven, but at least we communicate without physical violence or turning to an illegal drug for ‘his’ comfort while I am left out in a state of confusion and the “doormat” syndrome! I, like your wife, can attest to how my past containing all the horrible abuse to myself and my children with my ex husband now seems like a distant memory. I would not know any longer what my reaction would be if someone were to raise a hand, OR A GUN to my head or even raise their voice to me….Jesus took action against the abuse of His Father’s House and their was also lots of action taken in many places in the Bible where abuse occurred. His death on the cross is pure evidence that the abuse in this world no longer holds us captive, only if we allow it! I believe God breaks the generational sin of these types of abuses by prompting the victim to act in a way that leads to safety. This speaks to our children that this type of activity does not have to be tolerated and it shows them a clearer picture of how to choose a spouse who will truly love them. I came from an abusive background as a child and just kept it going, and I clearly see some of that has rubbed off on my now adult children….I STAYED TOO LONG….but my oldest daughter is beginning to understand what living in that type of environment as she grew up can do to a person. Kids learn stuff like, “if God is love, why does daddy beat up mommy? Isn’t God a man? Does He expect me to go through life like this too?” and the list goes on and on unless someone steps out of the hamster wheel and starts to bravely make changes! I am not saying that if a spouse uses drugs, admits they need help and then agrees to adhere to getting that help, then I agree divorce is probably not the right answer, same holds true for a violent spouse. But, when there is no desire on the part of the abuser to get help, but to only control and manipulate, lie, steal, cheat and do whatever they can to continue in their life style, well, Jesus did talk about shaking the dust from your sandals and move on(paraphrased.) It’s hard when a person cannot be reasoned with, even though the effort has been made a million times over….sometimes you have to turn them over and let them deal with the real world without you in the picture.

Aliy Mayer
6:56 pm January 27th, 2013

While I agree with the majority of your points above, I respectfully disagree with your conclusion.

I preface this by saying, I did not have the time to read the 146 previous responses, nor am I an expert. I have an educational background in Addictions Counseling, a passion for studying theology, and I’m married to a $ex addict who is not in recovery. I’m actually in the process of writing a book about this very subject.

I would never suggest anyone stay in an unsafe or abusive situation. In what I term “mainstream Christianity” meaning the watered down version of Christianity that general society considers acceptable, there seems to be two options. 1) Stay married, live as married, and endure it. or 2) Get a divorce.

In the case of addiction there is a third plausible option that seems to be overlooked quite often. 3) Stay married but separate

I know how intolerable this can sound. You should always remove yourself from an unsafe situation. And unfortunately sometimes that becomes permanent. The thing that is often missed in this conversation is the fact that a marriage is between three people. You, your spouse, and god. While your spouses free will may be to turn his/her back on God’s will, that doesn’t change the fact that you made a promise to god to be faithful to this person to love them through better and worse.

You can love them and remain faithful with out living under the same roof, or enduring physical or mental abuse. Given the extent of the abuse or the behavior of the other party you may be asked to remain loving and faithful even though you never see them again.

Now, I would argue its very rare for an addict to be able to enter into a true Christian marriage in the first place. making the divorce simply a legal formality. But that’s a whole other conversation. My commentary above assumes the existence of a true Christian Marriage

Crystal
8:11 pm January 27th, 2013

My husband and I used drugs together at one point in our lives but now he has continued on his own . I cannot stand it anymore as he takes tylenol #1 in which costs us $10.00 everyday. Just last night less than24 hours ago he took 94 of the bottle of 100 tylenol #1. I don’t want to be married anymore he doesn’t think it is a abuse on me but it is abuse on our whole family. I am getting a divorce it has been going on for at least 13 years and I want more in life and we will never own anything with his addiction. I totally think drug abuse is grounds for divorce when the person will not stop!

Crystal
9:36 pm January 27th, 2013

This is to add to my previous comment because I have left out a lot of information. Although I say a divorce is imminent I am very sad. Mostly for our daughter and the fact she will face yet another break up,we’ve had many. I really am tired of the constant arguing and can relate to quite a few of you. I have thrown pill bottles at my husband when I see that they are empty yet again. I know it’s wrong but I am so very frustrated. I forgot to add that my husband is a compulsive liar and in one breath he will say he is going to stop then go do the exact same non sense! When I complain he makes like as if I’m at fault for what is happening. He will tell me that I’m repeating myself and he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. Lets be honest though. If he didn’t repeat all the wrongs there wouldn’t be anything for me to keep on him about,right? Well explaining that to him is like speaking to a wall. I have tried hiding his pills and giving him a set dose to help him get down from the high doses he is taking. I’ve tried pretty much everything but all has failed. I will no longer enable him to kill himself. Along with all of this he is Bipolar,borderline personality disorder and has ADHD. Tylenol#1 is not all he takes either. He is prescribed benzos and percocet. He is all out of the percocet so he takes a bunch of tylenol to compensate and I really don’t know how he is still alive. The amount of pills he swallows is astounding. He cannot sleep at night and takes sleeping pills and he will pop those all night. I don’t sleep either because I’m so upset all of the time. He will also be out of all of his meds by the 2nd week of getting his prescriptions if he is lucky only because I stop him. I know that it is all the pills he is taking that is causing him This is such a burden on me as I suffer from severe depression.. I’ve stayed with him mostly because I thought he is sick and the bible says in sickness and in health. I know that God doesn’t want this for me and my daughter but what to do??

Crystal
9:46 pm January 27th, 2013

I realized that I didn’t finish one of my sentences it should say; “I know that it is all the pills he is taking that is causing him not to sleep”.

Sugarbaby73
5:33 pm January 29th, 2013

It has been a journey for me married to an ex-drug addict, that’s right he informs me that he do not smoke drugs anymore. But the drug do not stop hunting him. It seems to me that in some cases we have to trust God. Some marriages I came to realize that God have nothing to do with it, we sometimes chose our own path in life. We marry without getting the okay with him. We cause our own grief, pain, and misery; now it is up to us to say “No More.”
Today I am saying, “No More.” My husband woke me up this morning saying that I tried to sacrifice him. This is bad. He paid for my phone bill and wanted his money back. When I told him that I didn’t have money, he believed that I was trying to get over on him. So I gave him $30 and drop him off at the store because he was cursing at me, screaming, and threating me. Because I gave him the $20 dollars he say I was trying to sacrifice him to make him us crack again. I am Done.

true
9:56 pm February 7th, 2013

God helped my husband and I with drug and alcohol problems, too.

Annie Paller
4:34 pm February 22nd, 2013

Praise the Lord. I so needed to read this. I have been in a marriage for 23 years and dealing with my husbands drug addiction and the devasting effects of it. He is currently incarcerated. During the 23 years of marriage he spent nearly half of it in rehabs or incarcerated. I warned him the last time he was incarcerated that should he choose to violate his state parole and end up in incarcerated once again, I was leaving the marriage. Needless to say, this is exactly what happened. He has been incarcerated now for two years during this time I have been tormented about filing for divorce. I was so confused about my responsibility as a Christian. I felt if I chose to end this madness and move on with my life and remarry that I would be living in sin. Reading this has confirmed what I felt in my heart…that the Lord would not expect me to continue in this marriage. I know He knows every wrong doing. He has seen our tears, heard our cries. He knows the brokenness of our hearts. Thank you for helping me to feel released and free to trust God with my future and not carry guilt or shame for wanting to do so.

Waiting on God
2:51 am February 26th, 2013

Dear God….I am still waiting. I am so tired of being the “c*&t’ I am sure you have something better for me.

Queen
6:50 pm February 27th, 2013

I am surprised to see that so many women are going through the same problems. I have been married several times to addicts and have left the marriages for the same reasons. I just figured that there was something wrong with me for picking the same kind of man. I don’t have the answers. I really don’t know at this point. Women have the hearts of God Almighty and we love and give until it hurts. I am praying for us all. God Bless.

joli
3:24 am March 5th, 2013

I will have to say, that had I stayed in the relationship I was in, I would have NEVER been able to experience the relationship I have with God. The drug abuse was bad, and was getting worse. I was so degraded that I asked God to take me home on more than one occasion. I wrestled with the idea of divorce because I was afraid. It was not what was taught to me. (This coming from someone who was pregnant before marriage and remained in the marriage for 22 years). God opened my eyes to see what I hadn’t been seeing and made it possible for me to get away from a relationship where blasphamy was spoken all of the time. I tolerated a lot, but when my ex started saying horrible things about God, that right there was not something I could live with. My relationship with God has been wonderful over the past year, and even though I have days that are hard and had to make some difficult choices, I have God and I am happy.

Sue Burke
12:30 pm March 5th, 2013

“The king will mourn, the prince will be clothed with despair, and the hands of the people of the land will tremble. I will deal with them according to their conduct, and by their own standards I will judge them. Then they will know that I am the Lord.”—Ezekiel 7:27

Holding on for dear life, as I have come to realize, is all this really is. Struggling to grasp and keep every inch of my sanity is what I have been trying to do. The enormity, the sheer and utter distraction is alarming, I feel like I am in a vacuum, the suction of all that is good slowly and surreptitiously draining from my body, heart and soul. The likes of which this woman has never felt or known before and does not like at all. I am not me. But I did not guess that I would be so aware of the moment that me would leave and the anxiousness would once again rear its ugly head and rob or replace the person I once knew myself to be. The agony and defeat, the emotionless, empty and lonely pit of despair is so great that my entire body writhes in anguish and pain.
I have been feeling this sensation throughout, trying to decipher how sadness can
locate itself in one’s muscles. But that is just the case. My calf muscles are twanged and spasm-like contractions occur randomly but frequently, by neck is stiff, my back aches and sometimes the pain is so crazy, I can hardly stand up straight anymore. I don’t take a pill, a drink or a joint. Maybe an Advil, but I suffer the pain, and work through it. I need to be alert and focus. I need to feel this pain to know that I am still here. And I know I will be okay, I will get through this, I will feel better, because I have faith. Because I have love and I know I will never be alone. My God will never forsake me, my all-knowing, all-loving, keeper of peace. A God of love, life, joy, compassion, kindness, self-control, gentleness, patience; all of the fruit of the spirit, I am desperately trying to adhere to, but am failing miserably. These fruit of the spirit, I have to remind myself, are the most treasured traits, so respectable, and so, it seems, unattainable for me, at least for now.

I am so distraught, and feel everything I have worked so hard in life to accomplish has been hijacked right out from under me. Addiction has robbed me of living a life full of happiness, when you are saddled up with an alcoholic or substance abuser of any kind, you essentially, lose your own life to it, as I have and I want so bad to be free from all this, get back to loving myself and another, fully, honorably and completely. I am faced with a decision, one I can barely bring myself to comprehend, let along make. But the time is nearing and my words are falling on deaf ears. (excerpt from a book I am writing)

Gina
12:54 pm March 7th, 2013

I have started a blog on this very subject. http://www.theneveraloneprincess.com

My husband has had various addictions through the years, and thus far, I have remained in the marriage. However; we have never had to deal with physical or verbal abuse of any kind. My blog discusses how we have gotten to where we are now (husband is in recovery) and what I did to cope while he was actively using. I pray that it is a blessing to anyone who reads it…if nothing else than to realize you are not alone.

Cat
3:51 pm March 25th, 2013

I just ready many of the posts on this blog. Even though I am very hurt to know that so many Christians are in the same situation that I am in, I am also comforted that I am not alone. I wanted to reply to every single post and give you all a group (((HUG)))
I have been married for 17 years this time around. I attract addicts unfortunately. My first husband was an addict and I left him. I ended up with another addict I knew it full well before I ever even married him but I just wanted to “help” him and his children. I have two boys, one from he first sand one from the 2nd. my husband is actually a drug addict. He does everything. He smokes cigarrettes too. I abstain from everything. I cannot stand drugs or alcohol and despise what it does to people even the second hand effects. Even though I am still married to my husband, We have not lived together for 7 years now. This being our latest separation. I have remained alone and have not dated or even looked at another man. Part of the reason because it is my second marriage and I knwo what the bible has to say about Marriage divorce and remarriage, second because I am afraid of falling in to it again, third because of my children. They are grown now. My first is married and I am going to be a grandmother m second is 15 and he is a God honoring God fearing young man. I have ignored my husbands problem all these years. I have seen him through the years he spends time with the kids when he is not in rehab or in jail. He lives with his parents. He cannot live alone he is like a small child who cannot handle life, never has been able too. Just recently 2 summers ago he asked me to come stay with us to be with his son. He asked me to give him another chance, I did he stayed here 9 months and I insisted that we kept it platonic and work on our issues and work through all the past pain and hurt. It was hard at first. It got easier, just when I was ready to open up intimatley and become vulnerable again he messed up and I found out he had been using in little amounts for weeks. Of course it is not simple as that nothing is, it is much more complicated but I had him leave. Just recently about a year after the last incident I decided to give him another try. He had worked through some of his legal issues and bought a vehicle for the first time in over 5 years with a mandatory breathalizer installed in it. I thought that weould help him stay sober but he was not working any kind of recovery plan. My support has always been the church. That is where my children and I get all of our support from. Well we tried him coming on weekends for about 4 months and I pushed myself to be intimate despite the fact I was not ready for that but I thought maybe just maybe that will do the trick. It did not…2 weekends ago he was over for the weekend said he felt sick and without telling anyone a word he left got a motel and started binging. I have said all that to say this…No matter what you do it does not get easier. I have left him so many times…In 18 years of marriage we have been living together a total of about 8 years and they have been broken up 3 years here 2 years there and another year over there. Nothing phases him…No matter what I do or how Id o it and I have doen everything, the intervention, the counseling, the alanon, the separation, giving him intimacy I cannot do anything only he can. I just hang on to God, I thank him every day that my children are in his ways, I stay sane and healthy for them and my grandchildren coming. I r fuse to live in a house with a person that chooses drugs and alcohol over the family. It is not easy, it is hard to be a single mom to two boys, it is hard to be angry and bitter sometimes, it is hard to be lonely but God will be there for you no matter what you do but remember always, You cannot change the person or do anything to make them change, the person does not drink because of you! it is not your fault, do not take responsibilities for their actions. IT is their actions. I know you are one…that is what hurts the most. When you got married you became one, everything they do hurts you…That is our cross…the thorn on our side…give it to God daily, stay in his word stay in fellowship and pray for your spouse when you can…Try to do it as often as possible…dont be ashamed to talk to others about your issues…it will help you to talk to people you confide in but do not talk about it too much…it will drain you and rob you of your time. focus on God you and your family and you will get through this. your spouse will have to shift the focus to God to get through this too. Pray for that.

Susan
3:17 am April 7th, 2013

This is at Been There, I related to her story about her alcoholic spouse and how she is handling this. I too entered into a marriage where I did not know he was a practicing alcoholic until after we were married, and I work in the field for heaven’s sake. This discovery about his drinking occurred after his son died in 2005. He continued drinking, making promises to quit, caught him lying and watching his behavior affect my two children. I am a Christian and made a decision to separate and move away. He went to treatment, stayed sober for about 2 months, then started drinking again. At this point I am not only taking care of a 80 year old mother, taking care of two teenage kids, but having to be a support to my sister who was terminally ill with cancer. As a result, I had a mental breakdown as I have history of anxiety/panic and depression. Finally after putting up with more lies, promises and chaos, he entered a relapse program, drank while going through program and kept feeding us with promises and breaking them. Then this past year, in Feb. I told him to pack up and leave. I am now separated again, having to once again pick up the pieces, feeling betrayed, angry, hurt and abandoned. He has made no effort to contact me other than if he needs something thats his, about his own personal concerns etc. I am not seeking a divorce, but I have to honestly say I am not sure I can ever trust him again. BTW, his sister is now dying of alcoholism, just like his mother did. This is all sad and all I have been able to do is attend alanon, keep going to church, pray and read my bible. What more can a person do?

Cat
12:11 pm April 8th, 2013

I am in the same boat. I feel so much for you, Susan, I have been separated from my husband for 7 years now and moved away. In the last 2 years I have tried to give it all I have (we are having a grand baby) but he just keeps going back! The lies the betrayal the hurt, If only they could feel it…

Susan
3:11 am April 10th, 2013

Dear Cat, thank you for the support. Wow, 7 years, that’s a long time to be without your spouse. I am feeling like a widow, I am thinking you can relate to that. I talked with my spouse and he is trying to convince me that he has been seeing a therapist, taking antabuse and staying sober and how sorry he is. I heard all of this before and told him that I will continue to pray for him, but the trust is gone. I am only waiting on God to heal this marriage and deliver my spouse from his drinking. I will also pray for you and your spouse Cat. It is so hard, but it is so nice to know we Christian women can support each other.

KLK
9:19 am May 4th, 2013

I currently seek a way out of a drug and alcoholic relationship. I’ve been married to the same man for 22 years. I learned he was a drug and alcoholic after the first year of our marriage. I have tried and tried to remain supportive, but the reality is that I have practically raised both of our children by myself with my husband right here in the home. I have been save and filled with the spirit since I was 19yrs old and now I’m 41 years old. I’m at the point of just taking a chance and voiding the whole thing. In the course of endurance, my husband has been involved with 2 women that I know of , while maintaining a substance abuse life style. I have also put my foot down and left a few times. He has left a few times also but we still keep trying. He has on and of been sober but he still goes back. Our relationship has been destroyed to the point of just existing. This last time I took him back he promised to not ever go to that lifestyle again. He started becoming more faithful in church. He has gone as far as teaching bible study in the church. I became very concerned about this. When I address the issue and told our pastor that it wasn’t the right thing and that I thought he needed more time to get himself together. The pastor stated let him come to me and I will address it if there is a problem. I was crushed! So recently he has started drinking and as we speak it is almost 430 am and he hasn’t made it home yet. This is someone that is teaching the word of God! I made a promise to myself if he went back into lifestyle no more for me! So my plans are to first notify the pastor/elder and let them know he can know longer do the bible study. And to ensure that all of his stuff is out of the house by the end of the day. I’d rather live without him than to suffer any more anguish behind such a terrible life !!!!!!

kathleen
10:13 pm May 27th, 2013

I am so thankful for finding this blog. I find our marriage in almost every one of these stories. But when I read ‘Adam’s’ comments, I finally identify with what the conflict in my heart has been. Christian friends advising divorce and warning me of the minimal chance of rehab and deliverance of my husbands, lieing, adulterous, drug and alcohol issues. But deep inside, as i keep praying for the Lord’s direction, my heart brings to me everthing Adam is saying about God’s plan for marriage and our Marriage Vows and how God never throws anyone away, never gives up on them. While i want to commit to that belief, i also believe in the need for boundaries and follow through. I know Adam mentioned not setting ridgid boundaries and not following through, however, i believe the consequence of the behavior chosen by the offender (my husband) will be of his choice and free will. My boundary is that everything is on the line unless he gets and commits to true Chrisitan help. He is already making the decision to do as little as he can get away with (in court) and using the fact that the court evaluation is what he is following, however, he is an expert at lying. Regardless if he goes through a 30 or 60 day program (which he has done before- years ago before we met) Apart from God, there will be no healing. He must heal himself before we can begin our restoration. I am here to love him (in my heart) through it and I know it will be a very long road if he chooses to really get clean, and honestly, i’ll be praying for my heart as well so it does not get hardened. But he does need to know that it is his decision on wether or not our marriage continues or not. Adam, I would really like your thoughts on this….Also, I really would like to know if you did enter into Teen Challenge, I have heard that is a great program, unfortunately, my husband does not think he needs that. Do you have any encouraging news on your end? thank you and God Bless

Dr. Steve, I have also agreed with your comments on maintaining clear and healthy boundaries. My husband is addicted to me. He plays on my vulnerability. He misuses my heart for God and my beliefe in forgiveness and ‘the greatest of these is Love”. After the last incident, I had his Pastor convey to him that i will no longer accept or be willing to engage in any communication with him unless he is within a treatment center. Two days later i received a test from him ” i know i’m not supposed to contact you but i want to anyway. I love you and miss you.: While his Pastor explained that he understood my husband’s need to connect with me, I replied with the result of that text showed me selfishness, putting his needs above mine and clear disrespect…which is at the core of addiction. I have blocked my number and my email, but yesterday, i received a voice mail from him from another number that i didn’t recognize…barely audible….calling me honey and saying he loves me and misses me…I am committed to my boundary. To him and his family and friends, who are all alcoholics (and i love them all dearly and pray for them) it looks like i’m being unkind or over reacting. Even as i have told them everything that has been transpiring. I have pleaded with them to stop enabling him, but they cannot stop the toxic rescue and victim behavior, i believe, because it would convict them too much. He is living with them in that environment, even though his Pastor urged him to find a non-toxic atomosphere. But he will not. He will not follow any advice that is contrarty to what he wants to do. His past is marred with the like behavior only they remained married and drugged and toxic for 17 years…i only realized that his sad story i was given at the beggining of the relationship was only half true. God has been faithful in revealing the truth to me and guiding my mind and heart during this journey. I struggle to hear his voice over the advice of others…but until i read this blog I couldn’t put into words so eloquently and spot on as Adam has. I would so appreciate hearing from you Dr. Steve as well. Bless you both, please keep me in your prayers, and our marriage and God’s strenght and wisdom and guidance.

Susan
5:30 am June 3rd, 2013

Kathleen,
I know that you were expecting a response from Steve, but I needed to let you know that I was and am still in the same place. My spouse has recently accepted Christ in his life and we have been separated for the second time due to his drinking. He is going to meetings, taking Antabuse and making and attempt to stay sober, although he knows I forgive him, he knows that I do not trust him and this is something that he needs to earn back. Now I know there is and always will be a temptation for my spouse to return to drinking, I also know that I am called to forgive him as Christ has asked us to do. However, I also know that at some point if me and my spouse reconcile and he drinks again, he will have to leave again. I guess it all depends on how serious your spouses problem is, did he commit adultery while using, and is he abusive. Seeking God is the best thing to do for answers on the next step. I know that I did a lot of praying and God has been showing me what I needed to do. I have not divorced my spouse, and I was not willing to give up on the marriage, but I also knew that if he wanted to have this marriage back, he would need to make some changes. My hope and prayer is that God will lead and guide you in this difficult time.

Kathleen
8:21 pm June 5th, 2013

Hi Susan,
Thanks for taking the time to write me. I’m sorry you are going through your situation as well. His adultery, private life, drugs and alcohol are a part of his life….is what I’ve found out. He kept it from me for the first two years of our dating and 6 months into our marriage. I t is all abusive. Non of the actions are acceptable. I’ve learned that I don’t know who my husband is, due to his false portrayal all this time. God has been very faithful to me in revealing everything. I believe that was to keep me from additional potential danger. My husband will need to heal and come to terms with his addictions, and that can only be done when he has fallen on his face to God in full submission. I will not allow him in the house and into my life with out that. I also need to work on my relationship with the Lord in terms of healing from the dishonesty and broken vows, it has effected me and I can see the effect in other areas of my life. So I will also need to work on seeking God’s face constantly and faithfully, healing. Only then will my husband and I be able to attempt to move forward together under God. Until then, I will love him as God loves him. But it will not be under this roof, and it will not be in an unhealthy, biblical way.

I ‘m so encouraged to know another woman of faith that is seeking God for the next steps and for daily strength and wisdom. I will be praying for your also Susan and for the healing of our husbands and marriages.
Bless you!

Hurting young woman
11:37 am July 9th, 2013

Hi Everyone

Thank you so much for sharing your story with the world ,It really takes courage ,I am a 25 years old and me and my husband got married last year(2012) 3 months after we got married ,he started using Marijuana and drinking alcohol,we are both born again Christians ,when i found out about the drug abuse ,I was so heartbroken and destroyed ,I kept praying that he will stop and things will get back to normal but It getting worse ,His smokes the marijuana everyday and drinks alcohol everyday.He lost his job and i have to wake up everyday and travel 1hour 30 minutes to go to work just so we can have money ,I am now pregnant and worry a lot about my unborn precious child ,I am the one who pays for everything ,we are now staying with his parents ,I am soo depressed and scared ,I feel like i have failed big time ,I don’t see him changing anytime soon ,he is such an emotional blackmailer and a manipulator ,I am scared of telling him when i am not happy or feel that i should tell him how i feel because i don’t know how he will react .I cant afford to take care of myself like i used to before we got married because my finances are very limited ,I cant pay my clothing installments anymore ..Is this the plan of God for marriage ?? he has been using for 7 months now and he is just so irresponsible ..I am very weak and i cannot pretend anymore I am just about to pack my things and go back home…

Cris
9:54 pm July 16th, 2013

@ Hurting young woman I too have been very weak with enabling my husband to use. Recently though I have set forth a plan that he get addictions counselling or my daughter and I move back to our home town. I moved for my husband to a different city where I don’t know anyone. It seemed as though moving changed him. Almost as if he knew there would be no friends to talk with when he behaved badly. I feel for you and the position in which you are in but hold your head up! I know it’s hard and easier said then done,right!? I don’t know you or anyone else on here but if you need someone to talk to I’m here. Just ask and my email will tell me if you post something. I will be a person for you to lean on. As fellow Christians we need to help each other as God intended. Remember although things seem tough at times God is always listening. I have one final thought for everyone. That is God may have intended marriage to be forever but there are always exceptions. I’m not here to tell people to leave their marriage but do seek help from a pastor if you attend church. He or she can help guide you in the right direction. Good luck and God bless you and everyone here who struggle everyday with your loved ones who are addicted.

Hurting young woman
7:50 am July 23rd, 2013

@ Cris thank you so much for taking your time to reply on my comment..i hope to hear from you soon.God bless you.

Carrie
6:34 pm July 24th, 2013

I have been married for just over two years and am currently pregnant with our first. I knew of my husband’s addiction before we were married, even breaking our engagement for a time. But I believed then, as I still believe, that God wanted us together. And when my husband had been sober for 11 months before we got married, I thought things would be OK. Unfortunately, they were not. In December 2011, I separated from him for about a month and lived with our pastor’s family. I went back home because we believed it would be easier for my husband to continue using without me around for accountability. Not that having me around in the past kept him from using, but he wouldn’t be able to hide it easily. Since he rarely has broken from a certain pattern of behavior while using, I can know fairly quickly what’s up. We had some boundaries set up that seemed to be working until there were times I wasn’t around. I went on a shopping trip with ladies from my church yesterday, and my husband went out and used. At least I believe that is the case since his pattern of behavior is the same as in past times of using. He’s not around and won’t respond to my calls or texts. When he comes home I will need to discuss new boundaries that I have in mind. Now I need to also be concerned about how this will affect our child, not just me. Divorce is still not an option I want to consider, but separation certainly is. I believe that my husband wants to stop using, but there is one thing in the way, and that is his pride. I believe deep down he knows this, but he’s not willing to accept it. I know I have struggled in the past with enabling and am still learning how to not do so while still loving my husband. I appreciate your prayers and all the stories you’ve shared. Many of you have gone through things a lot rougher than I have. I commend you for desiring to seek God’s wisdom in the midst of chaos and sometimes physical harm. Blessings to you all!

ME
11:23 pm August 16th, 2013

Lord Please hear this prayer. Please in the name of Jesus Deliver myself and the women who have expressed quidance and victory in this situation. Father we pray for our children that you protect them from this evil that they have joy and peace and that the sins of their father or mother does not hinder them or cause them to stumble. Father we asked for wisdom and guidance you know all things lord if we need to leave or move father open doors and make a way . Father forgive us if we have sinned against you in any way by staying and trying to do it in the way we thinks best and trying to love unconditionally. Let us do your will and die to ourselves reveal you plan to us dear lord. Protect us from evil and let you will be done . In Jesus name I pray Amen

Cindy
2:07 pm August 20th, 2013

I need help and advice. I was a single mom 30 years and raised four sons. I found Jesus 20 years ago. I remarried a Christian man? From our local church 8 months ago. I never knew he was a drug addict. I can relate to all these woman and what they have gone through. I am leaving him and I want a divorce. I don’t believe his vows before God were anything other than sincere, and so were mine. I am struggling spiritually emotionally and my health is failing too. He has been in and out of rehab over the course of his life 5 times, has made and broken all the promises. I have run the gamet of emotions.
My son only knows half the abuse and financial disaster. He says he will only support me in a separation until my husband is right before God. My relationship with the Lord is distant, although I know he knows my heart and my sin, and my desires for a glorifying marriage.
Do I stay in this marriage like some have? I am worried I will end up being responsible for debt and more destruction, because of his behavior. Would you woman who who have stayed years do it over again if you had to do it over again ? In my church some say stay, others say run for your life. Yes, what does God say? I think he hates divorce but still loves the divorcee.

W. Michael Thornton, Esq.
4:51 pm August 26th, 2013

Dr. Jackson,

Thank you for your very candid article on this matter. I am a family law attorney and some of the most confused and misguided clients I have are Christians who have been advised by people with good intentions to remain in bad marriages. It is easy to quote the obvious scriptures that prohibit divorce but I cannot believe our loving God would want His children to stay in unhappy, unhealthy situations.

Sincerely,

W. Michael Thornton, Esq.
Tampa, FL

Deb
4:51 pm August 31st, 2013

Hi all. I am not sure if I have updatd about where I am with life. So I am now a registered Nurse and work for a very big hospital. I still live with my mom and sisters and daughters, which is really getting tiresome. I have been sleeping on my mothers couch for 3 yrs. I have a King size bed in a storage unit. Yikes. I know. I filed for a divorce from the addict I married back in may, after my kids told me a story about their father taking them to a really bad neighborhood. He said he needed to pick up a set of keys. But I know it was to buy his beloved CRACK.. I literally filed for divorce the next day. I was separated for almost 3 years. I really wanted to give him a chance and I did. He chose his drug over and over and over and over again. He is now living in downtown detroit with a relative. I have told him some very raw stuff, mostly boiling down to your gonna end up dead. He is still chasing the drug. I give up. Today would have been my 11 year aniversary. I get to sit and sulk and deal with the pain. I cant express it to anyone here, or they will just judge me and say that I am pathetic. So I share with you all. ALLOW ME TO SAY THAT I REALLY THOUGHT THIS MAN WOULD CLEAN UP AND BE WELL. THAT HE DESIRED A NORMAL HAPPY LOVING FAMILY AS MUCH AS I DID. I WAS SO WRONG, AND I STILL CANT BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED. DR. STEVE TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON MOVING FWD, WHAT TO SAY TO MY DAUGHTERS WHILE THEY ARE DEALING WITH THEIR FATHER NORMAL ONE MINUTE AND NUTS THE NEXT. THEY KNOW HE IS SICK, BUT THEY DONT KNOW FROM WHAT. I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE DADDY ISSUES WHEN THEY GET OLDER, BUT i DONT THINK IT CAN BE AVOIDED. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

Jen
2:34 pm September 2nd, 2013

I have not been on here for awhile, life seems to be getting in the way with three kids and a full time job, but I was catching up on reading and felt compelled to post an update. My husband is back in treatment again at a facility about an hour from here that deals with dual diagnosis patients, which is what the Christian facility did not have he was at last year. They will be testing him tomorrow to get an accurate DX and hopefully be put on some medication. My DX? PTSD and maybe bi polar but we will see what they say. He is 12 days clean now and we are separated, have been since Nov. 2012. I am supporting his recovery that he is chosen again and I am realistic that it can take multiple times at treatment before an addict can “get it”. Yes, God can heal anyone in an instant, if He so chooses. However, the simple fact is that most people are not healed this way and they need to make a commitment to a different way of life. We all know God does not want our loved ones to live this way, we also know He gives all of us free will to choose whether we want to listen to Him or not. The longer a person uses, the more disconnected they are with God and others. I know my husband has a long road ahead of him in his recovery and I have not decided if I will allow him to return home after treatment or not, but I know that God is watching over all of us and that He will guide me. There is a reason why we are NOT divorced at this point and that when my husband had the chance to request this he did not show up to court. Continue to seek the Lord, continue to love the person that is addicted but still set boundaries for the behaviors that you will and will not be able to accept.

veronica
5:02 am October 21st, 2013

Im 34 yrs old i was divorced from my 1st marriage because of infidelity and physical and mental abuse we shared two kids. Then 10 yrs later re married and had 2 kids ages 1 and 2 yrs my husband is addicted to meth and refuses to believe it he is mentally emotionally and occasionally physically abusive im not a practicing christian anymore but still strongly believe in the bible and Jesus christ ive been so confused because some family members say no divorce i agree with that but only because i dont want that i love him so much but i know hes hurting me and my kids with his addiction more so because hes in such denial. Weve lost our home car money i live with my sister now he comes and goes good for 2 wks gone for 4 days getting high. For the last 6 mo its been like this. So u conclusion i agree with divorce but only if you truly want it but then again that could be my flesh speaking . If u can offer your advice feel free

Kathleen
5:36 pm October 21st, 2013

Dear Veronica,
I am sorry to hear of your situation.
One year ago this month I found my husband of 8 months was having and affair, supporting the other person, hiding his finances, she was in complete control of all his finances. Doing meth and drinking, and lying.
Because I had heard ‘rumors’ of his drug use previous to this, I asked him point blank and he lied to me. I believed my husband. I was later told by someone who truly knew the truth after he witnessed my distress over some of my husband’s behaviors. He still denied it. When I found out about the affair (while I was leaving for church that morning) In disbelief, I offered him the choice of calling her in front of me and calmly advising they have had an inappropriate relationship and it has ended. (she was also HIS bookkeeper) If he chose not to do that he had to leave our home. He chose to leave. 3 days later he asked if he could come back. As hard as it was I learned a lot in those three days. God revealed to me the truth of what has been going on in our marriage and his life. The story is too long to type out here, but it is now a year later, I still will not let him come home. After a year of more lies regarding getting clean of EVERYTHING harmful to our marriage I gave him one and only one condition. Check into a rehab and when / if he completes it successfully, only then will I consider counseling for reconciliation. He argued he didn’t need that. I kept my one and only boundary and told my Pastor and his that was my one and only condition. He can choose to go and try to redeem himself or he can choose not to go and therefore end our marriage. I told him I have nothing but time and it is his decision. He will have to be responsible for his action. A month later, the day my father passed away, after he came to my father’s house to say good-bye to him and promise to take care of me, he went on a binge of alcohol and meth and ended up on the side of the road at 4am pinned in his truck in a one car wreck. It was a very difficult situation for me not to just walk away from our marriage. I decided I would stay by original one condition and added that he may not contact me at all until from inside a treatment center. The courts charged him to go to an outpatient treatment center so he HAS to do that. He is in the middle of that program right now. I am also getting councell for all the trauma of the past year. I have stayed close to God because everybody else in this wolrd has their own opinion. But God knows the truth. I know that God is for marriage. I believe that He and He alone will let me know if it is wise to return to my marriage. Cut yourself off from your husband. Give him a choice and make him responsible for his own decisions. It is hard, but it is worth it. You must emotionally detach from him and he must feel that detachment. Continue to pray for him. Do not check in with him. God does NOT want you in THAT marriage. He did not intend this for you. Call the police if he comes over. Make sure he knows he’s not to contact you or come near you until he is inside a treatment center. Stand firm and watch the deliverance of your Lord. Be patient. Have Faith in our God.
P>S. this is not my first marriage either. It will be a long road, it has been and will continue to be for me as well, when and if he completes his class, there will be many many issues we will need to work through. If you are up to that and believe that God is for you and him maybe you should pray about it. Pls let me know if you have any questions or I can help sister. I love you! in Christ’s powerful name.

Susan
3:19 am October 22nd, 2013

Hello everyone, I have not commented on this post since June, so things have happened since that time. I allowed my spouse to come back home in July, and I thought he was going to follow through with sobriety after accepting Christ. He started out going to church, taking the antabuse, being real nice and it was almost hopeful, and once again, the floor fell through. He was not attending any AA meetings, started isolating in the basement again, old attitudes and behaviors towards us. Then one day I noticed he smelled of alcohol. I started “searching” old behavior for me, and low and behold, found his bottle. Then he made excuses..will never happen again..etc. His drinking started coming back from what I thought was some recovery. Then I looked at his checking statements and he never quit drinking while we were separated, it was all a lie. He had stops at liquor stores, bars, etc listed on the statements. When I confronted him about it, he got angry, packed his bags and left. So, here I am again alone and contemplating divorce this time as I still suffer from depression and anxiety and what happened with him this time around only put me back at square one with my mental issues and the kids are heart-broken again. I still take care of my elderly mother and she is upset about what my spouse is doing to us and has been doing. Now I am at the fork in the road. Since my spouse has left, he has not talked to me much and when he does it is usually because he wants something. I am so tired of it all as I have to pick up the pieces…again….and clean up the messes he has made every time he does this to us.

FamilyOverAddiction
9:49 pm January 7th, 2014

After being divorced from an alcoholic for six years, I was pleased to find some Christ-centered insight. I still struggle daily with my divorce. I have two children, ages 11 (boy) and 8 (girl). My kids were very young when my alcoholic (ex) husband started verbally/emotionally abusing me, and in some instances, physically abusing me.
I could not get any help with the abuse while I remained married or even living with my (ex) husband. I had been calling a local domestic violence shelter and I attended classes on domestic violence. I thought if I could, as a new mom, learn more parenting skills, I’d be better able to handle raising two young kids within an alcoholic/abusive home. The parenting class leader is the person who helped me realize I was in fact not living in “normal” conditions and she pointed me to all the red flags in my marriage.
As a new mother with no emotional support and no money, I delayed leaving my spouse, even after I stayed at a shelter for two weeks in 2007. Legal aid did step in and help me because my then husband served me with divorce papers when I was in the shelter. We tried to work on reconciliation for almost two years. I only wanted my husband to quit drinking, I told him I could deal with anything else. I could not handle the verbal/mental abuse, I could not handle finding him passed out every evening, I could not handle him urinating on the bed and couch daily. It was hard to be a confident new mom with all this going on, he did not reassure me, I could not help him either.
God gave me and my children patience, for we dealt with the drinking and abuse for many years. My divorce was final in 2008 and I’ve worked full-time for almost 5 years and own a home. Ex paid support steadily until the past few months, so it is a little harder to make ends meet but I never had to live a sinful life to support my kids. My point is, if you stay, God will be with you and your kids, though your husband may not support you or keep bills paid. If you leave, God is also with you, you husband may pay support, but God will be with you also to enable you to live right and take care of your kids. You may be better off mentally without the abuse. Be brave, do not make decisions based solely on comfort, for in abusive homes, there is always discomfort. Discomfort in the abuse if you stay, discomfort if you become a single parent because it is also much work.

patrick
2:56 pm January 25th, 2014

Well as a child of god I have some faults my wife puts up with many things and I her. From back injure addiction to pain killers from me to adultery from her. I have forgiven her several times I love her better or worse. For me and my addiction I’m am continually

patrick
3:23 pm January 25th, 2014

Addiction to pain kill for about 6yrs has been a nightmare just when I think I’ve broken the hold I started again. I am seeing counsel for this, from abandonment as a child to abuse my life has been in torment. It has lead to me being insecure and clingy and trying to mask the hurt with pain killers my wife has been there but is very tiers God bless her,I LOVE HER very much I am on the right road now I just pray she holds on a little longer. I know I’ll be worth it, I’ve started ready my bible( which have had for a couple yrs but never really read) from my heart. With God by my side I will make this happen and make my marriage what god intended total commitment.

Sue Burke
1:36 pm January 29th, 2014

My last comment was a page written from my heart, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit to purge my emotions. I am speaking to all the young men and women stuck in relationships of either addiction, alcoholism or abuse, GET OUT. Very few addicts change, even after sobriety. They just become dry addicts, still abusive, always craving, and always ranting and raving. Their brains are wired differently and the chemical changes that occur from long-term abuse are permanent for the most part. After almost 20 years, and putting every effort into raising three great kids, I am coming to the point where it would be best to fend for myself and put this relationship behind me. It is now making me physically sick, and for the past five years, my health is deteriorating from the stress and emotional upheaval. Last month my husband was arrested for pushing me into our back door. And once again, I pleaded for the DA to let him go. There is no sanity in living with insanity and the manipulation and unrest of addiction. Thank God, I have been strong and reliant on the Lord to guide me and with his Grace and eternal Love, I have the courage, the wisdom and the strength to face each day with new hope and renewed Faith. And I owe it all to Him. I may not divorce, but I may separate myself from the evil trappings of addiction. Please, if you are young and have the chance make the right to decision for yourself and your children, get help, get hope and get out. But first seek Him, He has the answers. If I had followed my intuition and what I knew I did not want to be married to, an addict, I would never have married in the first place. Single is safer and saner than marriage to someone who will never love you wholly and completely, cause the drink and the drug will always take a front seat, always.

FamilyOverAddiction
9:08 pm January 29th, 2014

That is great for you. I pray if children are involved they are able to thrive.

bubbles
2:17 am March 21st, 2014

I am a youth minister and got married @ 27yrs. Ld my husband was only 22yrs. Old. He lied goin into r marriage. Was kind, sweet, compassionate and everything u could think of in a man but all along he was dibbing in drugs and I never new it. After 6mo. Into r marriage he became this lying decieving monster. I then eventually came to christ about 5yrs ago. Now I minister for the gospel of Jesus Christ. Me and my husband has been seperated for 56rs now he says he doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t try to make it work for r marriage either. He plays games still, says he loves toget high on drugs, doesn’t tae respnsiblities for nothing or r child,had another child outside of r marriage and I still was tryin to work it out all becuz the church doesn’t believe in divorce, they also won’t elevate you in title if you divorce I won’t become a higher minister due to tilteship if I get a divorce which I as it makes you feel discusting or in the wrong for getting one. I think there is grounds for a divorce when you have faought for your marriage with fasting anf praying, stayin faithful doin what the bible says and yet no action from the spouse with improvement. I desire to b a wife and perform my wifely duties as a wife to a husband. I’m in this all alone and I desire companionship and have been for almost 6yrs now and nothing in return I’m getting older and so is my children and I don’t wana be married any longer to a man that won’t turn from his wicked ways and yet still having the love of drugs and adultery. Help has been all around him and yet he refuses to receive it so I jus don’t theink its fair to be any longer in this marriage I want out unless God performs a miracle.

GD
2:08 pm April 9th, 2014

The counsel I received from a pastor was similar he said to persevere. My husband continues to be irresponsible and reckless around my teenage grandchildren and younger grandchildren. I never know when I come home with them if the house will smell like marijuana. I have cried, begged and even compromised with him and nothing works. I continue to pray daily, hourly about this issue. I just feel myself become more and more distant from him. In addition to the marijuana he is taking a few pain medications daily for his back. Clearly he has a view addictions going here. I find myself fighting being so sad all the time unless I am serving at the church. He has lied to me so many times and my trust for him now is almost zero. We tried marriage counseling but the counselor asked that we put the drug issue on the back burner and work on communication first. He stopped going after second visit because he felt the counselor must not have had a problem with the marijuana otherwise she would not have tabled it. We have been married 24 years and he is 71 years old. We are both retired and no money worries. How sad is this at this time in our life? I pray for direction and clarity on this matter.

Anderson scott
1:39 am May 12th, 2014

Trust is the foundation that marriage and relationship rests upon, but when that bond is broken, it often remains that way.A spouse can forgive, but that painful experience will lurk in the offended spouse’s mind not wanting to let down its guards for fear that it could happen again,It’s never easy when a marriage or significant relationship ends, Whatever the reason for the split and whether you wanted it or not the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are plenty of things you can do to avert such difficult time and make the family reunion stronger again so to as to avert divorce and a broken relation,You can even learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

MIke
5:09 pm May 14th, 2014

I’ve been married for two years. I knew she drank and had problems. I never experienced alcoholism in my life, so what could I look for? How long does this last? I drank and stopped in one day, because I chose to stop 16 years ago . Never been back. We married and ten days later she was in a rehab for a month, then the true facts came out. Back and forth, lying , excuses. More drinking, more therapies. AA meetings and inappropriate contacts with men at these clinics. No sex (I think) just friendships that crossed the line. Men inviting her for “sober weekend getaways” and her denial or ignorance of what was going on. Protecting them and making excuse for them, rather than telling me the truth. Now she is taking my old pain pills. I live on edge and fear every day. My marriage is sexless and is simply an existence. I saw the signs and ignored them, thinking they would all miraculously be gone one day. I pray and see a few things go well them I find a new deception, a new occasion that was kept from me. There is no trust and no happiness. I know God hates divorce. I stay because God tells me to. That is my human selfishness talking. I try to see His reason for this. I wish I could go back and never be married, but life does not work like that. To live in distrust and fear of your own spouse is awful. It’s not the bad that I hate, it’s the lying and the deception. A trust less marriage is torment.

Tesa
12:36 pm May 18th, 2014

I want to say that I have been married 31 years, and have been dealing with my husbands addiction to one substance right after another our entire marriage. I have struggled tremendously because there is among believers to some degree this silent expectation that one stay married because God hates divorce. I agree with God, I hate it too. I hate that the person I committed my life to doesn’t have the same committment level as I do and has lied, even recently admitted to me that he had an affair while he was in another state for his job, and while that was 20 years ago, my heart is crushed. My house has been raided by drug task force in 2005, my husband took an unintentional overdose on xanax to keep from being arrested after he was pulled over by the police in our town for reckless driving in 2009. As recently as two weeks ago i went out to his car just to see if we needed to put gas in it and found a bottle of vicodin not prescribed to him. As I have been packing winter clothes away and getting summer stuff out I have found numerous emply pill bottles, some of which have a label with the name crossed out or scraped off. My husband admitted to getting some pills “from a woman he and his mother play cards with” and has no idea why I kicked him out! In addition to all of this the cardiologist tells me i have to reduce my stress!!! I absolutely love my job and the people i work for, I have only one stressor, my husband and years of living with his unwillingness to make any lasting changes. The drug addicts lifestyle is horrifically selftish, self centered and filled with lies and manipulation. His years of addiction are beginning to adversely affect my health mainly because it has been unresolved for so long! i finally made the decision to file for a divorce, I refuse to continue in this another day! This decision has been heartwrenching, however, I must move forward!!!

Kathleen
10:09 am May 20th, 2014

Dear Bubbles,
FIrst and foremost, So very happy that you have accepted the Lord as your Savior! You are free from the condemnation of the world, your are forgiven for your sins, past present and future. You are loved with a supernatural love by a Father who is indescribably magnificent! He Loves You! He’s Crazy about you! and He is here every moment of every day for you. I’ve read your post a couple of times and feel led to write to you. I’m sorry that your husband has not honored you in your marriage. Is he a Christian? Your husband has abandon your marriage, and he has committed adultery resulting in another child who apart from the Grace of God will be affected by his unhealthy lifestyle and behaviors. Both children will grow up with a distorted view of the Scriptural picture of a Godly Husband and Father and Man of God. I’m sorry, Sister that your church forbids divorce. That is NOT scriptural. If you need, I would be happy to explain more about what God says about divorce and why, as well as what Jesus says about marriage and divorce. Your husband is to treat you like Christ treats the Bride of Christ which is the Church (the Church refers to us. the Believers, the Children of Christ. The Body of CHrist.)
Yes, Scripture says God Hates Divorce, it also says there are seven things that He DETESTS:
Bear with me here, God’s Word is very clear :
The book of Proverbs is all about wisdom versus foolishness. Proverbs 26:25 says, speaking of the foolish person who rejects wisdom, “When he speaks graciously, do not believe him, For there are seven abominations in his heart.” A person who does not fear God does not have understanding, does not walk in righteousness, and has no regard for the truth. He may be pleasant, well-mannered, polite, gracious, and an interesting communicator, but the fool is full of deceit, holding seven abominations in his heart. Proverbs 6:16-19 explains what these abominations are, these seven things that God hates:

“There are six things which the LORD hates, Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, And hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that run rapidly to evil, A false witness who utters lies, And one who spreads strife among brothers.”

First of all, God hates haughty eyes. Haughty implies lifting or exalting oneself up, pride, arrogance, and being consumed with self. Haughtiness is driven by a disdain for others, an attitude of superiority, and a confidence in self corresponding to a lack of trust in God. Haughty is like Nebuchadnezzer looking over the kingdom which he claims he had built all by himself only to be given the mind of a beast so God could humble him (Daniel 4:28-37). Humility is the antithesis of haughtiness, for when we are humble, we care about others, we thank God for His provisions, we refuse to exalt ourselves, and we acknowledge God in all things (Proverbs 3:5-6). God hates haughty eyes that look down on others and refuse to look up to God.

Second, God hates a lying tongue. Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44), so it makes sense that God hates lying. Lying may seem like a trivial sin as compared to murder or adultery, but God does not view lying as trivial. He hates it. Lying makes love impossible, truth difficult to find, and relationships awfully hard to sustain. Lying breaches trust and creates an island out of a person. Lying to gain an advantage or to avoid harm only harms others. Those who are given to lying are likely also given to some other pattern of sin that they must lie to conceal. Liars use people; they don’t love them. Lying will lead us downward faster than we can imagine. The truth, on the other hand, will instantaneously set us free (John 8:31-32).

Third, God hates hands that shed innocent blood. God hates unjust wars, He hates murder, and **He hates it when we don’t do what we can to intervene and protect the innocent life. God hates laws that don’t protect the innocent and those who cannot defend themselves. God hates those who corrupt themselves so severely that the consequences of their own actions lead to untold suffering for others**. God wants people, churches, and nations who live with integrity and who can be beacons of hope for others, standing on behalf of the innocent. The fool cares not for the innocent life, but he will do whatever it takes for his own convenience and selfish gain.

Fourth, God hates a heart that devises wicked plans. It is one thing to engage in doing evil things, but God hates it when we even think about doing evil. He wants our thought lives to be honoring to Him, seeking His will and His kingdom, rather than plotting a way to do something wrong. We can avoid doing a lot of wrong things if we can avoid thinking about wrong things to begin with.

Fifth, God hates feet that run rapidly to evil. As believers, we have the capacity in Christ to choose the way of escape that He provides so that we need not give in to sin’s lure (1 Corinthians 10:13). We need to be those who fight the devil and resist Him by faith (Ephesians 6:10-13). The fool runs to evil at each and every opportunity given to him. He does not think about the consequences or about God’s will. We need to be like God, hating evil, rather than running fast to do it.

Sixth, God hates a false witness who utters lies. God already said that He hates lying and a lifestyle that spurns the truth and is totally untrustworthy. Here, He says that He hates those who say false things about other people. We need to be those who testify to what is true about God, His Word, and about others. False witnesses who wrongly defame the reputation of others are a great evil in God’s sight. We need to be careful of who we endorse lest we, thinking we are witnessing for the truth, are witnessing for what is false.

Seventh, God hates one who spreads strife among brothers. Hatred and division can develop in both families and in the family of God when just one person makes life miserable for others. We can spread strife by picking fights, by lying, by tempting, by teasing, and by just being difficult and having a bad attitude. Some people prefer contention and combat rather than peace and harmony. God’s will for His body, the church, is peace as much as depends upon us (Romans 12:18). The fool could care less about peace, creating interference and interruption for the work of God. God hates this type of attitude and action because of how massively destructive and distracting it can be.

From you story, my sister, your husband fits into all the criteria above. In addition, he has abandon you marriage to his addictions and adultress behavior.

Our merciful Lord, our Abba Father does not intend for you to remain in a marriage where continued abuse, abandonment and adultery live.
I’m sorry that you are part of a congregation that does not teach the grace and mercy of God.
God will not hate or punish you if you need to leave your marriage.Your situation is not ‘frivolous’ difference or change of heart. It sounds like you have been faithful to your vows and Scripture and your husband is refusing to get help. This is devastating to the children as well.
I am so thankful you have come to Christ. It is in Him you can stand firm. I lovingly suggest you find another congregation to grow in the Love, Grace, Truth and Mercy of our Heavenly Father. Your church may be telling you that you cannot get a divorce. But that’s not what God is saying. Your church may have their own rules punishing or penalizing those of divorce, but that is NOT what our Abba Father says. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am NOT PRO DIVORCE. I believe in the Holy Scriptures and I don’t believe in picking and choosing out of it for convenience. But the bottom line is it is God you have to talk to. It is He who will give you HIS peace about your decision. As difficult as it is, do not be influenced by other’s judgments and condemnation.
God will instruct you without WITHOUT condemnation. He is a God of compassion and understanding, of mercy and grace and unconditional love of you, of your husband, of your children. His love never changes. For ANY OF US. You are not choosing to consider divorce out of rebellion and disobedience.
Bubble, I’m so very thankful you came to Christ. I know this is not easy ( I do know, by experience) I was blessed to have Godly counsel and Pastors to help me with my thoughts of guilt and disappointment. But, that is not God’s nature. He loves you my dear Sister.
Spend time in the Psalms, read Psalms 92 over and over. Find joy in our Lord, talk with him constantly. Ask him for His Will to be revealed very clearly to you. HE will provide an answer for you Bubbles and you will feel NO CONDEMNATION or GUILT. You will feel compassion for your husband, you will pray for his healing while you wait to hear from Father God, you will pray for him while you are make your decision based on God’s word to you. Be still. Stand firm. Sing praises to Him. Thank Him that he hears your prayers. Then wait. God is faithful. He WILL show you what to do. I have often prayed, “Lord, I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on you” 2 Chronicles 20:12 He IS faithful.
But while you commune with our Lord, it is important that you protect you and your child from the abuse and abandonment. Seeking legal separation is Scriptural and I would encourage you to at least consider takng that step. It doesn’t have to lead to divorce, and in fact, it may be a wake up call to your husband. But you must make solid, firm, unwavering, healthy boundaries for both you and your child for both of your emotional health. I’m so sorry to hear about the condemnation from your church. Remember, Remember, Remember, 1Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.…Romans 8:1-2
I will keep you in my prayers Bubbles and your child and husband as well.
I will also be praying that our Lord brings faithful people to you who will not pass judgement but will pray with you during this trial.
I hope to hear from you again. God Bless you and your marriage Bubbles.
Love in Christ,
kathleen

VF
11:52 pm May 28th, 2014

My husband and I have been married for 21 years……ugh, sort of. We were divorced for four years, and reconciled four years ago but never actually remarried. Ever since we reconciled here been telling me that he stopped smoking weed, but I always catch him in a lie. I am getting weary and had a little emotion towards him. He also drinks and hides the bottles, but he thinks I’m crazy for thinking that he drinks too much. We have two boys one in high school and one in middle school….. just compound things he doesn’t provide for our family. He constantly works and business opportunities that are not fruitful, well I struggle to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. So frustrated and worn out…..

Stephanie
8:35 pm May 29th, 2014

I believe adultery is grounds for divorce and you should get out if you or your children are in physical danger. But when we get married we promise to stay to together in sickness and in health and for better or worse. Isn’t the whole premise of Christianity about unconditional love and forgiveness? I am married to an alcoholic and when he’s drunk he acts like a child and he is sometimes mean but he’s impaired and how can I say I love him if I leave hime like that. The Bible says our husbands can be won over by our gentle spirit. I get told all of the time my husband has free will and I understand that but God can cause all sorts of things to happen to break people and change them. He tells me if I believe what I pray I will receive it and He tells me nothing is impossible for Him. Yes, my life stinks sometimes but I believe God delivers and He will set me free in His time. He will finish the good work He started in my husband and He can soften a hardened heart .So with so much of the Bible telling that at anytime things can shift in my favor I am not ready to give up yet.

miss.mary
4:12 am June 29th, 2014

I will love to share my testimony to you all the people in world. I got married to my husband about 2 years ago we start having problems at home like we stop sleeping on the same bed, fighting about little things. He always comes home late at night, drinking too much and sleeping with other women outside. I have never loved any man in my life except him. He is the father of my child and I don’t want to loose him because we have worked so hard together to become what we are and have today.

Kay
12:09 am July 2nd, 2014

I believe it is good to try and stay in step with the Holy Spirit in your bad situation. I tried to remain in prayer and obedience to Christ through the duration of my marriage to drug addict. I would often hear the Lord ask me to stay and be patient. I was hoping my lifestyle would draw him to Christ. Well after years of dishonesty, no real regard for me, and all the emotional torment the Lord finally showed me a vision of me in a prision cell and I was crippled I saw the door open and I heard him say I RELEASE YOU. I know he released me into a season of separation, healing and freedom. I also know before I went to court for my divorce I could hear him telling me he could restore my marriage and by that point I wasn’t interested and had a hard heart toward him. God forgives us of our many mistakes on this earth… when I think back and want to feel guilty over my decision…. He tells me thing like… I lay it not to your charge…don’t look back… keep moving….he is in my care now… and many more assurances of His Mercy.

Melissa
9:04 am July 5th, 2014

My name is Melissa Pints from USA My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship.

Destroyed
10:42 pm July 18th, 2014

Addicts use our good will against us and their best interests. Enabling because of a codependency we have is not the answer. Until they feel the weight of their addition they cannot stop ever. My wife left us when I needed her most. She is an addict. I adore her and miss her every second of everyday. But I can’t let her destroy herself and our kids. Giving her things. Helping her. All makes what she is doing easier to do. So I am damned to hell every second of every day instead of being with my love.

It breaks my heart.

Broken
6:21 am July 20th, 2014

Hi. Ok, I’m just going to put this out there, mainly because I’m hurting soooo bad, do not know who I can talk to anymore (except my little ones) and their ears will never hear this stuff from me.
First and for most, yes I want to admit I have dealt with addiction to pills off and on for years. I know, I sound like I’m worthless like my husband feels, and he feels like giving up. I am a born again believer in Jeiua Christ, I DO have a relationship with HIM! I have done the rehabs, 12 step prgrama. Meetings. And very activitiy it our church .my husband is a good man, for the most part he is a “baby Christian. I by no means am I putting him down! I want our marriage to LAST! I’m torn! Even when I’m not having to take medicine he is degrading me about the house not being spotless and SOOO many things I don’t do right But to top it off he had a motorcycle acidwnt MANY years ago, bf I knew him. This caused him to have to have a hip fusion and will be in tremendous pain, seems as on know for life. Because the doctors say they can’t fix the problem. anyway, my pint is he is on STRONG medicine, I feel it affects how he treats so many others. Especially verbally. Plus he will not admit he has anger SEVERE anger issues! Sorry to vent. Just need some advice. My babies are my life. Thank tou for listening

Lorraine Reddy
12:33 pm July 27th, 2014

I have read most of the comments and can relate fully to most of the unjust unrighteousness ungodly treatment that most of the victims have been subjected to. I need the Scripture ref in the Bible for limiting togetherness for the sake of binding evil PLEASE!!!! This will free me and help me move forward towards my destiny in Christ. The greatest LlE of the enemy fr my children’s father ( he has never been a husband) is that I am allowing the enemy to have his way when I sleep in s separate room let alone leave the home ( which is on my name and paid for by me). This scripture will be a key to unlock more than thirty years of torture and imprisonment. Thank you and may every victim begin to enjoy the John 10:10 life and become VICTORS in Jesus name.

ann
5:13 pm August 18th, 2014

My husband and i are new christians and both have been married previously. I discovered yesterday that he is under investigation for drug trafficking and I have reason to suspect this is true. i have five children who live at home with me and I refuse to live that lifestyle. I also dont want to be a Christian who “sits on the fence” either. I love our church and all our blessings. I also will not choose a man over my children. I am not sure what to do at this point. I’m at a spiritual empasse here.

EMPTY
1:50 pm August 23rd, 2014

My husband has an addiction to pills, lortab, phenteramine, strattera…. Anything he can get his hands on. He is a compulsive liar and is stealing the pills. He has taken pills from friends, family, neighbors, he goes into their homes when they are not there and gets them. He has became more desperate and went into a neighbors house when they were there and got caught. Charges were filed, but he was never arrested. He went to treatment a year and a half ago at a Christian based facility, was sober for maybe 6 months. At this current time he is in treatment again. I filed for divorce, signed the papers and then freaked and told my lawyer to hold off. We have two kids and I still love him. I’m going to try and go to the facility he is at and do counseling with him and other family members. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust him again. But the thought of divorcing seems right one day and wrong the next. I’m so confused!! Help!

sara
6:10 pm August 27th, 2014

I do agree. I have tried so hard from my husband to stop taking drugs. I have even made sure that he has no money even for cigarettes. If he wants them i buy them but now hes lying to his father to get money and he takes money out of my purse. Hes arrested so many times. He lies so much. I have health issues and i may have something wrong with my heart. Instead of going with me to the doctor’s and to work he went and bought drugs with the money he took from me. I have no one to talk to about this. Im so alone in all this. And it does hurt physically,psychologically and mentally. I dont know what to do. I dont believe in divorce but i cant live like this. It will be 2 years next month. Any advice?

leone
11:15 pm September 1st, 2014

Thank you for your thoughts. I have been searching for answers on this topic. My husband of 12 years is a drug addict and i feel trapped. We have 3 children and one on the way but he denies it his. Hes promised so many times he will get help and change but it never lasts. Its emotionally exhausting and i just dont know what to do anymore.

Mara
2:09 am September 9th, 2014

What factors come in to play when the alcoholic is also a believer? He will pray one day and go to church and later that day, the “itch” over comes him and he has the first drink and doesn’t stop until he can’t walk anymore.

Sue
11:50 am September 11th, 2014

This blog has become an entity onto itself. The cost we will pay to stay with our spouses in the midst of such utter mayhem and self-destruction playing out in front of our children is mind boggling. As we watch the abuse of an NFL star against his wife, we are aghast and can’t stand it, pointing fingers, laying blame, Yet, we stay in the same scenario. This kind of behavior is nothing short of abuse, abuse to us wives, and husbands, abuse to the children and the family, abuse to the community, the schools and on and on. We must get strong. Detach with love and let go of the abuser. We may not choose to leave our homes, as I stay in mine, but I chose to communicate with the children as to why I left the bedroom and stay joyful and happy. If you only understand that you are being abused, maybe you will leave. I am telling you this is abuse, mental, emotional and physical. It will make you sick and you may go crazy dealing with the addict. His or her insanity will bring on your own, if you do not detach and let go. You must not be in denial and you must on be co dependent toward your abuser. You must take and keep safe all that is sacred for yours and your children’s well-being. If you are financial able to handle your own affairs and he is not contributing, then he must be asked to leave. If you are putting your children in the middle of this nightmare, they will pay the price, trust me. My seventeen year old writes about her fear and the pain of living with an alcoholic father. Thanks to his irresponsibility, she now lives with the memories of having him dragged out of here on a stretcher and put into rehab. She was so sad and her memories are vivid. I curse him for this, but he doesn’t care about the scars he has left on me or the kids. This is one of the or is the most selfish disease there is. Addiction is a living, breathing, satanic, nightmare, and I doubt God thinks we deserve to stay.

Shelby
4:03 pm September 14th, 2014

I finally left him. I post to this blog almost a year ago. Since then anything that could have happen did. After all this time, I could not do it anymore. I left in January. We were only married 2 short years and I was separated from him most of the 2nd year. I knew I could not live like this. I tried to get him help, I tried counseling, rehab, church. He would be good for a month or so and then the same thing again. He like several other spouses in this blog liked the pills. I read these post and just want you all to know you are not alone. As you can tell from everyone who has posted on here we all have a choice to make. Is Drug abuse grounds for a Christian divorce? I believe yes. Once the trust is gone its time to move on. God does not want you unhappy. He blesses us everyday with life. I fought with the decision for awhile and decided that I was going to be happy. My husband does not love me enough to stop. You may say he has an addiction and can’t help himself. Well I say BULL. You tell me one person who does not find the strength when they need it. When it really matters they find the strength. My husband never did. He even told me his pills were more important to him then I would ever be. Please find the strength. You will be so much happier. If he or she does not want to change then you must change for them and leave. If I can do it I know anyone else can. I let my husband control me. I found my inner strength with the help of family and friends. I can not tell you how HAPPY I am now. I feel so free. Its a good feeling. I will pray for you all to make the decision that will in the long run make you happy. Bless you all.

Natalie
4:00 pm September 25th, 2014

I filed for divorce yesterday. I have been praying on this matter since 5-3-2014, the day I discovered my husband was a meth addict and also that he was sleeping with his dealer. He came clean about the drugs but not about his sexual activity. This is truly the devil’s drug as they say. I can’t even begin to tell you how heartbreaking this has been for me and my children. My husband truly is the only man I have ever truly loved. I still love him today, but I’ve realized I have to do what’s best for my children and I, and it’s taken me awhile to build up the confidence and self esteem to make this decision. I love the Lord and know that all of this is part of his plan and that he will do what’s necessary for my family so that he may be glorified in the end. Thank you Lord for the pain and suffering I’ve experienced so that I may become closer to you. Please God be with my husband always Lord he is a good man, just so lost and confused. Reveal yourself to him Lord I beg you. I rebuke Satan and his lies to all of us and my husband, I know he can be restored cause you made us in your likeness Lord. Please hear my cry and my pain. Thank you for all you have done in our lives to keep us safe during this process Lord. Please help me Lord find the right job so that I may serve you. I pray for all of you on this page that there may be healing and restoration in your lives.

Hurtingyoungwoman
1:34 pm October 7th, 2014

Hi everyone long time,I commented on this last year january ..Things are still the same ,my husband drinks Alcohol every single day ,smokes weed and does not even have a job ,we have a 1 year ols son and I am the provider ..I am tired ,I am sick and i want to call it quits ..I am tired of hoping for the better ..I cant anymore. i am still young,I am only 26 but the stress and oppression i have went through is unbearable..

Praying for Recovery
6:42 am November 1st, 2014

Recently I have restored my faith in God because of my husband’s quest to find him. This past Palm Sunday 2014 my husband wanted to go to church to give him strength to stay sober he wanted me and our daughter to participate in this quest to learn more about God’s word and Jesus’s example for us. Therefore I do not have a lot of experience with the Bible but I am learning. (We were Catholic born and raised and went to parochial school)

So here is our backstory we have been married for 17 years and have a 14 year old daughter throughout our marriage my husband has had two DUI’s, several close calls where one night I had to pack up our at the time young daughter take her out on a cold winter snowy night to try to find him. He was in a ditch in which the local farmer was able to call me to come and get him in fact saving him from being in trouble with the law and most importantly not dying from freezing to death! (Farmer=Angel on earth) That time he promised to quit drinking, it last a few months. For the next several years he was on and off the wagon. Finally after loosing our home to foreclosure and bankruptcy we are currently living with a friend that promoted the party lifestyle once again.

Now in the present he went to church and I love our new church as well as our daughter and what seem to be the ticket to recovery with our daily prayers and devotionals for some reason my husband is now off the wagon and drinking several times a week and driving while intoxicated. Now I am facing the dilemma of being a new Christian and trying to apply the word into my decision on how to handle this situation. I am truly in turmoil over what is right. I LOVE my husband for he is truly a good provider and loves his family the best way he knows how but at a crossroads when it comes to my obligation to protect my self from the consequences of his actions.

When I say consequences I am worried about legal and criminal consequences of the worst case scenario when it comes to drinking and driving, killing of an innocent person. I could be held accountable and in the long run could affect my daughter’s future! Would God want me to put my daughter in this situation?

In a few short weeks I have been praying for answers to these questions and in the mean time I have done research and have an up coming consult for legal advice on how I can protect myself without divorce perhaps a legal separation to keep my marriage. Will be seeking advice from our pastor but I have not ruled out the divorce option but I will do all I can to try to save it!

In conclusion what posts I’ve read have been all about what scripture and God’s word wants but no one has ever mention the impact on the public and the legal and moral obligation to protect the innocent from the actions of addicts. As a wife of an alcoholic I can no longer enable him to do this anymore without feeling guilty of putting others in harms way. However I believe God will speak to my heart and guide me through the Holy Spirit. Any thoughts about this perspective or suggestions.

Mike
6:08 am November 7th, 2014

My current wife (first wife just didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I was a jerk to her, she says) is an alcoholic. I knew it and believed it was behind her. I’ve never known an alcoholic so why would I not believe her. Ten days after our marriage, she was wasted and I had to take her to the ER.
After two rehabs and promises and many successes, she’s back at it. I regret this marriage and the lies and secrets it has. I can’t figure out this one Lord. What do I do? I wish I had not married her but I know your will is first.

WHANTOBEHOPEFUL
1:41 pm November 12th, 2014

Just wanted to know if anyone has a positive story to tell of overcoming the situation and if the person who abuses the drugs/alcohol ever recovers and lives a healthy life with a happy marriage?

Sue
4:25 pm November 17th, 2014

Keith Urban is a success story, read his. He is married to Nicole Kidman and would have died had she not loved him through the worst and darkest part of his life. He is grateful for his new lease and his wonderful wife. I heard yesterday, that we must love these addicts and alcoholics as they are right were they are supposed to be. We each travel a different path of enlightenment and we cannot change the course of anyone’s life but our own. We can choose to allow our mates to right their own wrongs, and choose their own course, staying true to ourselves and not enabling their addictions by feeding them with our own futile anger, resentment and frustration. After 19 years, I have chosen to stay married to my recovering alcoholic, but steady user of pot, 24/7, almost. And though I am not thrilled and his behavior is less then stellar, my daughters love him unconditionally, knowing he has a disease and is powerless over it. They know he loves them because he provides for us and keeps our house in tip-top shape. He is not drinking, and sometimes he behaves like a dry-drunk, and our love life has suffered the consequences, I am not so turned on, but I chose obedience, not to him, but to myself, my children and God. I chose a path of less resistance, by allowing him to be the resistor. An addict’s path is the path they are on, they themselves, and though we may get the bumpy part of their ride, we can still have our own life and do our own thing and be a part of a healthy world, by keeping healthy friends and alliances around us, educating ourselves and learning that life doesn’t happen to us, it happens for us. Meaning we grow and evolve through every relationship, trial and tribulation. Positive stories are the stories where we don’t give up hope, we stay faithful and we know we are responsible for our own attitude and our own choices in life. Choose the righteous path!

michae
4:10 am November 18th, 2014

drug addication can happen for many causes,taking prescription drugs for pain. under year for pain plus s. s uffering with deep pression ‘ with no physical abuse,legal’.separation, not .divorce . divorce takes away needed medical support, legal separation can include,y, visitation right,s
time re grow a for the pain go.

WHANTOBEHOPEFUL
9:56 am November 18th, 2014

Dear Sue, thank you so much for your info. I think I am going through a life changing episode at this moment. My husband is such a good man very gentle cannot hurt a fly, very loving and caring and yet he has a drug problem that seems to take control at this moment. He now admitted that we are at a crisis and that he needs to change his behavior. It is just so hard to let myself trust his because every time when I think we are at a happy place the drug temptation kicks in. I don’t want to give up on him. I have now reach a stage where my body is doing one thing and my mind is doing the opposite. I decided to concentrate on myself and the kids and let things unfold as they should and let God take control. He even told me that he is trying to do the right thing but the dealers nowadays even sends sms’ saying that he can get it for free and he needs to put some steps in place to fight against these temptations. I really hope and trust that we can have a good testimony to tell one of these days. God bless

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About Dr. Steve Jackson, DCC

Dr. Jackson received his Doctorate in Christian Counseling from Omega Bible Institute and Seminary in 2009. He developed the Christian recovery treatment programs for Calvary Rehab Center and the Genesis Center for Recovery. He has trained and practiced Christian Counseling in all areas of drug/alcohol/gambling/sex and relationship addictions. He currently has his own web based online program called 12 Day Rehab Systems, designed for those who can work on recovery while maintaining career and family obligations. Dr. Jackson has been clean and sober since 1984. Learn more about Recovery with Dr. Steve.