Is drug abuse grounds for a Christian divorce?

Is drug abuse grounds for a Christian divorce? There are many scriptural references that support a wide variety of answers to this question. Click here to learn how to consider each scenario separately and – through prayer – best evaluate the divorce question.

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Is Drug Abuse Grounds for a Christian Divorce?

I decided to follow my heart, experience, and understanding concerning this very difficult topic. There are many scriptures that support a wide variety of answers to this question, but as Christians, I suggest we must consider each scenario separately and spend much time in prayer to best evaluate the divorce question.

The short answer is: it depends.

God’s Intention for Marriage

Since God first instituted marriage in the Garden of Eden over six thousand years ago, I have to believe it is His intention that husband and wife live together until death.  Since God created marriage to be enjoyed by husband and wife, and it is His intention marriage be forever, this provides a sound basis to make every reasonable effort to achieve restoration and forgiveness in marriage before taking steps to dissolve a marriage through divorce.  However, the Bible does say that Moses allowed two reasons acceptable as conditions of divorce.

1. Sexual immorality (adultery)

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2. Abandonment (physically leaving)

1. Sexual Immorality

Adultery Defiles and Corrupts

Jesus taught that adultery defiles and corrupts the one flesh union (Matthew 19). It becomes very difficult to ever trust a spouse once the deception and corruption of the marriage has occurred.

Physical, Mental, Sexual Abuse

I believe God never intended physical, mental, or sexual abuse inside the marriage relationship. I’m sure He is saddened by the sin nature of all man, and His preference is that no man or woman mistreat another. However, to think that God intended a spouse to endure such abuse is not understanding the love of God. God’s judgment will be harsh on any of those who mistreat others.

Drug Abuse Can Defile and Corrupt

Drug abuse and physical and mental abuse in many cases appear to have very similar consequence as adultery. Many times the family and marriage is in such chaotic disarray from these abuses that restoration is impossible (Having said that, I have seen some marriages restored after adultery, drug abuse, and physical and mental abuse. So it is possible to restore the marriage, but not often).

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Hardness of Heart

Jesus told the Pharisees the reason Moses agreed to divorce for his people was because of hardness of heart. Marriage is a union of two becoming one and should take on the likeness of Christ and the Church. If one partner is abusive toward the other, or to the children, steps must be taken for the protection of all involved. Certainly, the abusive partner is not fulfilling their purpose of reflecting the image of Christ.

2. Abandonment

Free Will and God’s Will

God give us ‘free will’ and many people exercise their will against God’s directions and desires for their life. If a person chooses to leave and follow their addiction or mistreat their spouse and family, how can one be expected to expose themselves and family to the chaos that addiction and/or abuse brings.

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Jesus Prohibited Divorce, but…

Jesus addressed the issue of divorce with the Pharisees in that he said he prohibits divorce for the many trivial reasons (other than sexual immorality) that were used so frequently in the first century, leading to widespread injustice, especially for women whose husbands suddenly divorced them and married another. Divorced women had to fend for themselves, which made it very hard for them to survive.

Sometimes you just have to move on

Being married to a wife who was previously married to a raging alcoholic, I have to say, “There is life after divorce.” My wife has served the Lord faithfully for many years and was able to rediscover the accepting love of Christ and move on with her life outside the chaos of her first husband’s addiction and abuse. She stayed trapped in an abusive marriage thinking God would judge her forever. She exposed her daughter and self to physical and mental abuse for years because of a well intended person from her church who told her she must endure the abuse, because it was God’s will that she stay married. Now, 28 years later, the abuse seems like a faint memory from a long ago past.

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One last thought

I have counseled thousands of children and wives who have stayed in abusive addictive relationships. Many are still struggling from the devastation caused by abusive fathers and husband. Anxiety and fear have ruled their lives and only after many sessions have they been healed from the abuse of the past.

I conclude that drug abuse may be sufficient grounds for a Christian Divorce.

What do you think? I would love your feedback and opinions.

About the author
Dr. Jackson received his Doctorate in Christian Counseling from Omega Bible Institute and Seminary in 2009. He developed the Christian recovery treatment programs for Calvary Rehab Center and the Genesis Center for Recovery. He has trained and practiced Christian Counseling in all areas of drug/alcohol/gambling/sex and relationship addictions. He currently has his own web based online program called 12 Day Rehab Systems, designed for those who can work on recovery while maintaining career and family obligations. Dr. Jackson has been clean and sober since 1984. Learn more about Recovery with Dr. Steve.


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  1. I think your wrong. Addiction is a disease. I know I have fought it. It’s horrible and it cost me my marrriage. I was there thru cancer, but a mental illness and they can just go. That’s BS. She was wrong then and she is wrong now

  2. Each generation has different temptations to endure. Someone from Moses’ time faces temptation differently than someone today. If anything defiles a marriage to where it is not profitable in the sight of God, and is doing more harm than good, I would think a certificate of divorce is sufficient. Jesus taught that having thoughts of lust after someone who is not your spouse, you commit adultry in your heart. The bottom line is, Jesus fulfilled the law. We are in the last days. Anyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. Love not the world nor the things in it. What profit a man, if he gains the whole world and loses his soul. Those who walk in Christ have the light. Those who dont have Christ walk in darkness, so they are blind. People reject the truth. They desire pleasure over the love of God. Without the armor of God in the valley of the shadow of death(earth) , Do not fear evil. The Lord is with you. Everyone has free will. A union can be spoiled if part of that union is not edifying the word of God. Sure, you can tell someone they are doing wrong and it causes harm on a relationship, but unless they listen and repent, they are lost. If you have a member that sins, pluck it out. For it is better to enter heaven injured than to cast the whole body into hell.

  3. I do not think God would want us to stay in a abusive marriage of any kind. Would God want us to put our children into danger? If you staye with your partner who does drugs you could lose your children to child endangerment.

  4. Addiction is not a reason for divorce – especially for Christians. Even though drug abuse injures others, so do many other forms of abuse within a marriage. I have been teaching for over 27 years and I have found that kids are just as affected by parental neglect, neglect of workaholics, mental abandonment, pride, selfishness, and anger. I recently attended a funeral for a man that neglected to take care of his heart and died of heart disease leaving a spouse and four children behind. It was devastating to his children. They will need therapy, yet no one I know would say that it is OK to leave their spouse because they do not take care of their heart. My father was an alcoholic and was the most loving father I know. I am so glad that my mom was there for him in his last days on this earth. That is what real love looks like. The bible says over and over again that real love endures forever. It keeps NO record of wrongs. It endures every kind of trial and tribulation. I have witnessed partners in a marriage be completely healed by the unconditional love of their spouse as they carried each others burdens. We have to stop twisting scripture to give a way out of marriage because of the disease of addiction. We have to stop changing the definition of abandonment to include defects that Christ never meant for us to include. Abandonment within the context of divorce was never meant to include mental abandonment as defined by Jesus. If it were then it would include all mental illnesses and all forms of neglect. Most drug addicts I know do not struggle with this disease because they are out to hurt their spouse or their kids. It is a self inflicted calamity and they suffer just as much as those who are effected by it. Probably more!

    1. Apparently you have never lived with an addict. It’s like having a demon in your house and it will take everyone down with it. Financially he was taking us down and emotionally he was breaking me. I can deal with him now in a loving manner since his behavior is no longer able to be destructive in my life. I prayed, fasted, and begged God to not let this happen. He made it very clear to me it had to happen. I don’t know what the future holds between us but I knew it was God’s plan. Perhaps you need to read the part of the bible that says don’t judge …. it’s not your job. I grew up with an addict Dad and my mother stayed way past my formative years. Guess what …. I was comfortable with it and married it. GET KIDS AWAY FROM ADDICTS AT ALL COSTS!

    2. Brady,
      For the love, please stop teaching others when your experience with your loving alcoholic father was so great. You are lucky and naive. The man that died of a heart problem was the most idotic attempt at comparison and shows you’re waaaaay out of your depth. You’re out there arguing to others to stay together based on your experience not theirs-bravo. 🙄

    3. Okay , I have a personal relationship with Christ. I have been married for 8 years and we have known one another for over 40 years. We attended the same Church and Christian school. I really feel that my husband is not saved , due to he has never been consistent with his walk with Christ. So, how can I take action , that there needs to be drastic changes in his behavior, sin, walk with the Lord? He has literally sucked the life out of me. There are so many issues with him and has been way before we married. Omg! Help.

  5. I have lived with an addict off an on for over 12 years. He has gone to a Christian rehab facility where he spent 6 months, came out life was good, then he started using again. I stayed for a while because we were both active in church believing that he would allow God to deal with him and get clean again. Needless to say he did not get clean. I left and we got divorced. I became bitter, I was filled with disappointment, the spirit of rejection and felling abandoned. I was in total disbelief that he would fall back and use again. After 2 years of being separated it appeared that he was getting his life back on tack, we started talking again, and eventually got remarried. My dream was that we would get involved in ministry helping couples that were dealing with the same issues. However I started seeing the signs again, and this time God also started showing me things I did not look for anything things started coming my way like, condoms, crack pipes, I was done, all I can do now is pray for him. He got caught in a traffic trap where they we looking for drunk drivers, he got arrested, and had to go to court. God showed mercy on him he was at risk of loosing his cdl license, he drives for a living. After God got him out of that situation, he started using again, with the risk of loosing his license again, and doing real time for the DUI – he got a shorter sentence because it was his first offense. I have no desire to divorce him, because that does not change the pain of dealing with an addict. My prayer now is to move away from the nonsense and turmoil. An addict only gets clean when they have become sick and tired. Twelve years is a long time to pray and seek God for someones recovery. I love him with the love of Christ I know that God can do anything, and will never give up hope that his heart can be really clean, and that he will allow God to minister to the hurt, pain and all of the other emotions that they hide. As much as you want a person or addict to change, you cannot help them they need to truly fall in love with Jesus. Did I mention that because of the DUI he has to go in for random drug tests and that he is currently seeing therapist, I added that so you can see that the addiction overrides commonsense and knowledge.

    1. Yeshua, please bring dilerverance and surrendarance. Protect all involved and being peace to this hurting and exhausted wife. Put a new spirit in his heart Lord and soften his hard cold stone heart. Allow this lady to know she is not alone and to trust you as you walk her through this.we thank you Jesus. We praise Jesus name amen

  6. Why do you make it about the men im in the same situation but its my wife that is addicted to drugs and is very abusive to me and my children that are actually young adults should i get a divorce i ve prayed my heart out that she would change but the devil drugs have tooken her over so bad i dont know what to do can you help me or give me some advice its gotton so bad i had to call the police and she was arrested for assault but felt bad for her and let her back home it didnt work she has not changed a bit please help me or lead me in the right direction thank you

  7. This is a very old post. I stumbled upon as I was googling this topic. I’m googling the topic as I sit in my room listening to the sounds of my ex-husband (as of 2 mos) pack his things to finally move from the home I owned before marriage 6 years ago. For 6 years I have been through such turmoil and upheaval that it has affected my spiritual, mental and physical health. I am a born again believer. Served God wholeheartedly for 25 years. Blessed to have many to Christ, mentored, mothered many many women. I could go and on. My point…until you are living this, opinions, though respected are just. This is the hardest thing I have lived through in 61 years. There is s reason the Lord hates divorce. I had a choice, live as a victim of someone else’s dangerous, selfish indulgences while the spirit in me slowly faded and my service to God completely frozen to a stop OR let him make a choice; decide you want to change and we get help or go with me to sign papers. We signed papers. I have one life to offer my King and I will not waste it in misery in essence serving my enemy. I pray non stop for him. I love the real person. The Lord very real promises concerning him but the revelation came that those promises irk at any address. I will not enable this one more day. I have been clean and sober for 25 years after 20+ years as an addict. It’s a choice. I choose Jesus and I choose life. Blessings❤️

  8. Its rough being married to someone whos an alcoholic. For three years I have spent many sleepless nights with a drunk wife yelling at me and cussing throwing things even mildly slapping me here and there. She dont remember the next day. She destroys the house completely. For years Ive been holding on with longsuffering and patience remembering who the real enemy is driving to Bear only the Fruit of the Spirit. The Breakthrough comes and can last anywhere from a week to a couple months and she goes right back to the drink and I have to go through it all over again.Tonight she was making an excuse to go buy a candy bar. i told her again i no longer want alcohol in our house or in our marriage. She blew up even in her sober state. Now she’s sitting in her car in 50 degree weather drinking and she won’t come inside I’ve asked her nicely. I was addicted to alcohol my whole entire life and I had been single. It wasn’t until I give my life to the Lord that I met her and found she was in the same boat as me we were sober together going to church growing in the things of God for the first year and then all the sudden the drinking started and it started to get more and more worse and now it’s full-blown. She’s a a student in college studying to be a search Tech honor rolls perfect attendance. But just last week she stayed home two days in a row and drank. I don’t know what to do I said she needs to decide on our marriage or alcohol. She told me she guesses it’s over then and that’s when she went in her car to go get more alcohol.

  9. What on earth is a Christian divorce, seriously. A divorce has NOTHING to do with religion or spirituality. If someone is emotionally or physically abusive, if the addict shows no attempts to get sober, makes no amends for their behavior, and you stay that means you are sicker than the addict. Don’t use religion and God to support staying. HARSH words but true. You were’t made to be used or abused and no religion would support having your spirit destroyed. Your children don’t deserve to grow up and use your pathological relationship as a compass for what they need to look for in a partner. Why on earth would you want to stay with someone you can not trust, does not have your back, and does not make your life a better place. Please don’t use religion as an excuse to stay.

  10. Man there are a lot of tortured souls residing in this comment section if only they could realize; trying to treat addiction with god is akin to hammering a nail with an imaginary hammer. Drug addiction is a human condition, gods or spirits have nothing to do with it and to apply these arcane ways of thinking to a suffering addict and their support networks is nothing short of criminal abuse.

  11. I have lived in this stressful situation for over fourteen years, my husband constantly lies and continues to smoke marijuana. He is also addicted to opoids. It’s as though he leaves these little signs so he can have the thrill of conflict. I will say this, I have grown closer to God through this, but I can’t do this anymore. I have realized that he doesn’t want to change. I told him if he decided to lie to me again, I am done. So he lied, he had been smoking again and looked me in the eyes and lied, it’s an endless cycle unless I stop allowing it. He made his choice so now he can indulge. He is my source of stress. We are both in our fifties and I would just like to have some peace of mind for a change.

  12. Out of all the books of the Bible that I have read I have never come across anythingeven close to given someone the option to divorce because of addiction. When you said your Vals it is for better or for worse in sickness and in health. This does not mean you can’t step away while they get help but I really wouldn’t recommend that because if you love somebody you always be there for them no matter what. Now if there is abuse then yes that is grounds for divorce as the Bible outlines adultery and abuse and it clearly states God would rather you work that out then get a divorce. Out of 66 books I have read 60 books of the Bible and that is where I stand. Leaving someone because they are an addict is just going to put it further in their addiction and probably give them reason to commit suicide

    1. What if they dont want to get help and you have children? The CPS can literally ‘take’ your children from you and put them in foster care for staying with a drug addict and exposing them and putting them at risk. So would that be ‘for worse’ and you should just deal? Being in a broken marriage because your spouse is an addict can ruin your life but I can see the argument ‘you said for better or for worse’ and that’s why I’ve delt with it and stayed! But what about when there are children involved, your job is to protect those babies! God commands you to protect children, orphans, widows, elderly, those who can’t take care of themselves. If you have never been in that position how can you understand!!!

  13. I wrote on here 7 years ago. Update…things got better…for a while. I’ve now been married for 15 years to an addict. After being married for 11 years, we moved to a new state and worked hard to get him clean (It was very hard, he was addicted to opiates primarily, sometimes Meth). Things got somewhat better for a couple of years, he got steady work for the first time and helped contribute to our income, he started socializing and doing more with the family. Unfortunately, he began to replace his drug addiction with alcohol and alcoholism quickly crept into our lives. His rage and emotional abuse came back with a vengeance. We separated again nearly a year ago. He spiraled so badly back into drugs/alcohol/rage/psychosis. I’m in therapy and learning about my own codependency issues, I’m so happy to have found Al-anon to support family members of alcoholics/addicts. I’m so happy that we are living with peace again. We still talk and he’s doing better again. Although I have let go of my hurt and feelings of loss, I understand that I need help too, not just him. I’m starting to understand that forgiving doesn’t mean returning to a dangerous and toxic situation. Also that God loves both of us the same.

  14. I am a Christian woman married to an alcoholic and marijuana abuser. It’s difficult. We’re living in two different worlds. Intimacy is out the window, it’s sad because we were so close when we first got married. I don’t know what else to do, He KNOWS the word, he was saved at one time before we were married. But now, it’s all about his alcohol and drugs. The smell of it makes me nauceous. I keep praying, thank God for His strength.

  15. Some Additional Thoughts:

    A goal of staying together, is so that you can help your spouse to overcome his addictions. But, we need to make sure that our “help” is real help, and not enabling. Otherwise, it is counterproductive. I am still learning how best to do this.

    I agree with the concept that we need to take care of ourselves, first, so that we can help others. But, that is not to say that we are to live for ourselves. I find no satisfaction in living for myself. It’s a purpose-less life. I have found great purpose in spending my life on behalf of others, so that they can live. The Christian life is all about living for Jesus, and for His Kingdom. And that involves serving others. My husband and I understood, years ago, and made a point of doing what we could to stay in good shape, physically, and to stay in good health, so that we would have the strength and youthfulness, to serve God’s purposes, here on the mission field He placed us in, to the fullest, and for the long-haul. We can’t do so much when we’re sick and tired all the time. Keeping a proper balance is, admittedly, a constant struggle. And, we did make the mistake of trying to do too much, and not taking care of ourselves enough. And, in our weakness, we fell under the attack of our enemy. Proper balance and motives is important! It is also imperative that we keep up our spiritual health. For even physical battles, are spiritual, at the root. And, we are not able to fight and win these battles, in our own physical strength. It is only by the power of God’s Holy Spirit, living inside of us, that we have the victory.

    I hear many of you saying, and I often feel it myself, “I can’t handle it! I’m dying on the inside. I can’t take it anymore!” And, that’s the truth! The battle is too big for us, and we can’t handle it. But … God can!!! We can’t forget about the God factor, when we make our decisions. He is our answer, in every situation. Escaping, quitting, or giving up are not the answers God has for us. His plan is to enable us to persevere, through the battle, and to win!

  16. (Continued from Part I) Each relapse seems to get harder and harder to deal with. I learn his tricks, and he learns mine. After an intervention, one time, he went to another Christian rehab program. But, he didn’t stay long. Because, now, he had a lot of health issues, including Hep C and insomnia, to deal with; and it was hard to keep to their schedule, and go without all of his natural health supplements. And now, he’s a seasoned pastor and minister. It was like going back to kindergarten for him. But, with the help of a group of men, and a doctor who gave him a good medicinal alternative for his insomnia, he was able to pull out. Each time he pulls out, he’s back to his normal self again – the excellent husband, father, pastor, and ministry director that I’ve come to know and love. And I feel that the sacrifice, and hanging in there for him, is so worth it!

    But, each time other people have to get involved, to help my husband pull out of his addiction, our relationship with them tends to get ruined. And, I can’t count on them to help us, again, in the future. They get too worn out from the battle, and my husband doesn’t feel like he can trust them anymore. It takes a huge toll on our marriage as well. But, because we’re committed to each other, our marriage endures. Our grown kids have had to get involved, more and more, recently. And, it takes a toll on those relationships as well. But they also know who their father is, not under the influence. And they are able to find it, in their hearts, to help him, and forgive him, and go on. But … it does leave some scars, and it does wear one down.

    He was doing well for a while. And then, a couple of years ago, he relapsed again (he did something to his back, and had a lot of pain), while we were in the States (he was getting treated for Hep C). Thanks to the Obamacare requirements, we had medical insurance, for the first time since being on the mission field. I was able to convince him to go into what I thought was a Christian rehab program, that our insurance would pay for. But … it really wasn’t Christian at all. And he had a really hard time dealing with it, as he disagreed with so much of what they taught there, and the lifestyles of some of the staff. He ended up leaving (early), after I had already returned to the mission field. So, a group of men intervened, and helped get him into a hospital detox, and then to another 3-month Christian program, that taught the 12-step principles. He had a hard time dealing with what they taught as well. And he actually left, at one point. But, he called me, as he was driving away. And, I convinced him to return. I gave him an ultimatum – either he returns and finishes the program, or I will file for a legal separation. I was very firm, and he understood that. So, he returned. The program was not without its flaws. But, God used his time there, to help get him back on track again, in a good way.

    Now, this whole 12-step thing, and setting boundaries, was a new concept to me. And, I had a friend I was conversing with, who was helping me to set boundaries and recognize manipulation. And it came, just in time, for me to be ready to make such a statement to my husband, as I never would have considered previously. The thought of divorce was just never considered as an option. I was set on being there for my husband through thick and thin. So, I never even considered the idea of a separation, either. But, just before learning about all this 12-step stuff and boundary setting; the Lord had woken me up, one morning, with instructions on what kind of boundaries I needed to set and communicate with my husband. So, although I, myself, have some problems with the 12-step principles, in light of the scriptures; I do believe that setting some appropriate boundaries is a good and necessary thing. And, the Lord was beginning to reveal that to me, before I talked with anyone or read any books on the subject.

    Regarding the question of Christians divorcing … this is such a hotly debated subject. There are Christian professionals and ministers that will argue both sides – if it’s okay, or not, by Biblical standards, to choose to divorce your addicted spouse. I won’t try to go into all the details of the arguments for and against, and in what various situations. We know, for sure, that it is acceptable, under grounds of unfaithfulness. With that said, I’ve had the “right” to divorce my husband, since very early on, in our marriage. But, I had no desire to. I was committed. I did not feel, in any way, that that was what God would want for us. I loved my husband very much. And he loved me. We were always open and honest with each other, admitting our faults, and readily forgiving one another. Yes, there is hurt! But, God can heal that, in time. During periods of relapse, my husband is like a totally different person. He is not open and honest – the total opposite. He can even speak profanities – shocking! And it was during such times as these when the unfaithfulness would occur, briefly. But, once he was clean, he was “my husband” again – open and honest, trustworthy, kind and gentle, loving, dedicated, wise, and a real man of God and of prayer!

    So, if you are in a situation where you are contemplating divorce, my heart goes out to you. Everyone’s situation is different. I would encourage you to pray and ask God to give you guidance. But, because your situation seems more than you can bear, unfair, costly, chaotic, detrimental, and taking a toll on your health; it is not necessarily a reason to get divorced. There are many other possible solutions than divorce. Please prayerfully consider all your options. Love, for example, is powerful! You can love your spouse back to health. Perhaps you or your spouse have not really given your lives over to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. When you submit to His will, and give Him full charge of your lives, He can work amazing transformations! Perhaps you or your spouse need to be more full of the Holy Spirit and His power in your lives. Maybe you need to pray more, or pray more faith-filled prayers; or ask the elders of your church to lay hands on you and pray for you; or rally the prayer support of some friends and prayer teams. Are you reading and meditating on God’s Word daily? Remember, it is our daily spiritual bread. Without it, we starve spiritually. And isn’t it a spiritual battle that we’re in? We need strength and direction for the fight! Maybe you need to have more fellowship with other Christians who can encourage you, support you, give counsel, bring some loving corrections, take you or your spouse “by the hand” and walk with you through these trials. You can seek help from your pastor or a Christian counselor, or a Christian rehab program. Maybe there are other changes that God will direct you and/or your spouse in making – things that will minister to root problems and issues in your lives that need to be dealt with. Sometimes, a separation may be necessary, until certain issues can be resolved. Whatever you do … don’t give up! Seek the Lord, and His will, in your particular situation. And, do whatever He tells you to do, each day. Know His Word, and stand on it! And, let His peace umpire your decisions.

    If you do get, or have gotten, a divorce, and you feel it was a mistake; God is ready and willing to forgive! Sin is sin – whether it be divorce, or substance abuse, lying or stealing, unforgiveness, overeating, or uncontrolled anything. We are saved, through Christ, by faith, in his atonement for our sins. It’s not because of our own goodness or anything that we’ve done. It is all by His grace. And then, we start the forming process of becoming more and more like Christ. We make progress, in time. But, none of us are perfect, yet. So, we confess our faults (sins), making a decision to turn away from those things, ask forgiveness, and continue on in our walk with Christ. He forgives us, and washes our hearts clean, and redeems us (as if we had never sinned or made such mistakes). We can learn from our mistakes, and try to make better choices, in the future. But, we continue on, without guilt or shame. We are able to experience and receive God’s blessings in our lives, again. And He is able to make up for what the enemy stole from us, during our down time (our mistakes and sins)!

    Back to my story … since that last rehab program, my husband was doing great! But … we have an enemy (the devil and all the other demons in cohorts with him). And He really doesn’t like the work that we are doing for God’s Kingdom. So, He has not stopped trying to wear us down, and to attack us, in our weakest moments! My husband starting having tremendous back pain. And had a couple of failed operations, in this foreign country we live in. And, he contracted a potentially deadly infection from them. He had to fly to the States for further medical treatment and operations, where a lot of his spine, that had been destroyed by the infection, had to be removed and fused. He had no choice, but to receive some very strong pain medications. Upon his return to the foreign country, he was not able to obtain any of these strong pain medications, and had to stop “cold turkey”, with the help of alcohol (which he had also become addicted to, over time, through mixing it with the benzos and opiates that he would take). What a whirlwind that set in motion! Neither of us had any idea what kind of horrendous withdrawals from such medication would pursue!

    The physical withdrawals were bad enough. But, then the mental withdrawals lasted for months – extreme negative emotions of all kinds – from thoughts of killing people, to killing himself, to extreme depression, anxiety, uncontrolled anger, etc. Our family and ministry staff all rallied together, taking turns being with him, praying with him, trying different medications, IV cleanses, etc. We also found something like a wellness center, that helped with detoxing and cleansing. It’s been a long battle, for several months, with lots of ups and downs – very wearing on us all. But, there has been a lot of progress made, and he is pulling out of it. He still has some unresolved sleep issues to deal with. And sadly, a lot of neighbors and townspeople have taken notice of his drinking, during this time; without the understanding as to how it all transpired. But, we saw God’s hand go before us, in, and through, and in spite of, all the turmoil and wrongs that we felt we were suffering; from the time he flew to the States, and onward. So, we can be confident that He will work out this whole “mess”, and put it all aright. And even where some havoc was wrought as a result of our sins and mistakes, He is faithful to forgive and to heal. And, his undeserved grace and mercy abound toward us!

    We are a lot older now. We are having more health issues to deal with (although my husband’s Hep C was cured. Praise God!) And we are very battle weary and worn. But, God has promised to never leave us or forsake us. Sometimes, I must admit, I really do feel like giving up. But, I don’t! I haven’t yet. And I am continuing to put my trust and confidence in the Lord. I know that He IS able to keep us. And He will finish the work that He has begun in us. By ourselves, in our own strength, we can’t do it. We won’t make it. But, with His help, we can, and we will! And I have this confidence, going forward: I don’t know what the future may hold for us, but I know Who holds my hand!

    May God’s grace and peace abound to you, as you seek His will and direction for your own lives. He is able to help you, and bring you through EVERY situation. Run to Him!

  17. Dear ones, I have read just about all of your entries, here. And, my heart aches for each one of you! I can relate, in so many ways, with you all. And, I empathize with you! We’ve been married for 32 years, so I have a lot to share. But, I’ll try to briefly touch on the key points, in hopes that something I share may minister to you. It’s a little long, but well worth reading!

    Around the time his parents divorced, due to his father’s alcoholism; my husband became addicted to heroin. While in jail, for drug-related charges, someone witnessed the Gospel message to him. And He gave his life to Jesus Christ. But, his wife, of 2-years, was not so comfortable with that. And, while he was in the hospital, from an auto accident; she notified him that she was filing for a divorce. He had tried everything he could to keep his marriage together, but couldn’t. He was devastated! He fell back into his habit, and ended up in prison. And, that’s where we met.

    Being raised, in a Christian home, I was saved since I was 3 years old. While attending a Christian college, I got involved in prison ministry. And, that’s where I met my husband. Now, normally, I would never allow myself to fall for someone, in prison, with a background such as his. But … this man was different! He loved Jesus! He had a passion for Him like I didn’t see in any other eligible young men – in hardly anyone at all! Soon, he was transferred to another State. And we started writing, as Christian friends, encouraging one another spiritually. A year later, he asked me to marry him (while still in prison).

    Well, I was aware of the risks involved in such a relationship. So, I knew I needed to hear clearly from the Lord – if this was His will or not. So, first, I asked my parents their thoughts. My Dad said, “If God has forgiven him, then we do to.” He said he lost a son (my brother drowned when he was 17). And, he felt like the Lord was giving him back, another son, in my husband. But, I knew my Mom had been concerned about me dating a guy in prison, and had warned me to be careful. So, I asked her if she was not concerned. She said, “I thought I would be. But, I’m not. So, it must be the Lord.” Wow! Then, I asked my brother, my sister, and my brother-in-law. They were all in agreement. Then, I asked my grandmother. She said, she was not against it. But, she counseled me to wait to get engaged, until after he was out of prison. And, so I did! I wanted to do this right, with God’s full blessing.

    My husband and I continued to pray for God’s confirmations, so there would be absolutely no question that we were in the center of God’s will in this. In fact, we had been praying for God’s direction, since the very beginning of our relationship – seeking his will, and walking in it, each step of the way (with a willingness to let each other go, if that’s what God wanted). And, God did provide many more confirmations, to which I won’t get into detail about now. But, when we got married, there was no doubt in either of our minds, that this was God’s will. So, we had confidence, in our decision to get married. This is a very important point! Because when the storms began to arise (as they do in every marriage), we had assurance that we didn’t make a mistake in marrying each other. It was a God thing! So, we knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that what God brought together, He could keep together – that we could weather whatever storm came our way, and get through it victoriously, through the help and power of the Holy Spirit, living in our lives.

    While we were dating, we made a point of telling each other everything about ourselves – the good and the bad. We tried to be totally open and transparent, so we wouldn’t have any surprises to deal with down the road. We didn’t want our relationship built on false expectations, but on reality. And although I knew all of my husband’s past; I still loved him, and accepted him as the new creation, in Christ, that he was. In approaching marriage, I knew that the possibility existed that he could slip back into his old habits again. So, although I hoped for the best, I prepared myself for the worst. I was determined to love him unconditionally; to willingly and gladly submit to his leadership, out of my love for him; and to do all I could to treat him like a king – as someone very special. And, I thought, if my purpose in life is solely to keep in out of prison, and to make sure he is still saved, at the end of his life, then so be it. I will give myself to that end.

    Well, our marriage started off with a bang! Before our wedding day, he talked me into sharing a bottle of wine with him, in celebration. Well, I had never drunk any alcohol, in my life, to speak of. In fact, I had never smoked, did drugs, had sex, or anything of that kind of lifestyle. I trusted God, that He knew what was best for me, and that He didn’t want any of that for me. And, I was unwilling to risk messing up my life, experimenting with such things, just to feel included in a group of peers that I knew would not be my true friends. And although I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with drinking a glass of wine, in itself; drinking too much is. And, I just chose to stay away from it all.

    I was naive, at the time. I didn’t realize what kind of disaster drinking a little wine could spark, in my husband. On our honeymoon, he wanted to drink more. He tried to coax me into drinking it with him, but I refused. I had no interest in it. And, I began to feel uncomfortable with him continuing to drink wine, at evening meals. He quickly became restless, and wanted to cut our honeymoon short. As soon as we returned home, he made a beeline for heroin. My parents noticed what was happening, about the same time I realized what was going on; and we confronted him together. He withdrew in my parents’ home, where we were living, at the time. And we continued on, and left that little “bump in the road” behind us. Life was good … we had a great marriage!

    About a year later, he relapsed, due to some feelings of insecurity, while away at a conference, for his job. But, we (I, with the help of my parents) were able to get him into a 1-year Christian rehab program. He stayed the course, and returned to me, as the wonderful husband I knew and loved. We started getting involved in various ministries, with our church; and mentored some young men, in our home. But, a year or so later, he was offered some wine for a toast, on his job. That triggered something, and he relapsed again. This time, he went back into another Christian rehab program, for their 4-month re-entry program. After that, we sold our home, and moved there, and continued working with them, on staff, for 4 years. We felt drawn to ministry, wanted to help others, and do something purposeful with our lives. And, during our time there, the Lord taught us the secrets of a deeper prayer life.

    From there, the Lord launched us out to a foreign land, as full-time missionaries. We abandoned all, for this call on our lives – ready to go where God wanted us to go, and do whatever He wanted us to do, for the rest of our foreseen lives. We felt like Abraham, being called out of his home land, not knowing where he was going, or how he was going to get there – depending on the Lord to lead him each step of the way, and to be there by his side. We felt like the red carpet was being laid out before us, as we departed for the mission field, with the “laying on of hands”, and all the prayers of the saints!

    But, once we arrived, on the mission field, the red carpet was rolled up, and we were alone. But … the Lord was with us! It was a place of deep oppression and darkness. We could feel the spiritual battle heating up around us! For the first time, to speak of, we started having some heated arguments, in our marriage (we were under more stress than we had been used to previously). We received disapproval from others. We lost our privacy. Everyone’s eyes seemed to be focused on us! We had to cling steadfastly to the Lord for strength and direction. We suffered through many hot battles, experienced some seemingly major losses, and our characters were formed and tried in the fire. But, through it all, we experienced great successes and advancements, for the Kingdom of God! We saw God’s favor and blessings on the work of our hands. But, it was difficult! The harvest was great, but the laborers were few. It was just he and I. And we had our hands full … too full! Our bodies got worn down, and we were exhausted! And, as we began to take trips to and from the States, we started to have jet lag to deal with as well.

    After 10 or 12 years of great success, on the mission field, someone suggested taking Ambien for jet lag. We had no idea what kind of roller coaster ride that would set in motion! My husband has been battling with insomnia, ever since that time. And, in our moment of weakness, my husband got ensnared with prescription drugs. I helped him to get stopped, by myself. A few years later, he got ensnared again; and I got him stopped again. (Once he got stopped, he would come to his senses again, and the Holy Spirit would take over.) This roller coaster ride continued, and the ups and downs became more and more frequent. And, it got harder to get him stopped (praying for him, taking away his money, phone, locking him up in a room, going with him everywhere, etc.). Others started seeing our problems, and sometimes some would get involved in trying to help him get straightened out. But mostly, it just caused a lot of relational problems. And that complicated things a lot. He felt like his reputation was being destroyed, and had a lot of insecurity issues to deal with.

    I felt trapped – trying to protect his reputation, and feeling like I had no where to go, and no one to talk to – alone, in a foreign land. Eventually, things would get so out of control, that I would start reaching out to people for help. But, my husband always got very upset at this, and would argue that I was making bad decisions, and saying too much to too many people, or to the wrong people. I would try to use wisdom in who I said what to. But, I must admit, when the going gets really tough, I can break and begin to just spill my guts. And, I can say too much to the wrong people. I felt so confused and alone – dealing with all his mind games, lies and deceptions, blame shifting, manipulation, etc. all by myself. Plus, having to carry the responsibility of our family, ministry, and finances all on myself. I would fear for them all … what was going to happen with them … not knowing if this bout would end in a few days, or a few months. I just knew that I needed to do everything I could to get him stopped ASAP, before any more damage is done. Because, the more damage that’s done, the harder it will be for him and I both to recuperate from it. Although each relapse was very difficult, and I had fear issues to deal with, I still trusted God that He would bring us through it, sooner or later. I’ve never believed that He was through with my husband. He would help him to stand again! And that helped me to not give up. And, I clung to the hope that once we’re through this, I will have my “real” husband back again. And he’s worth fighting for!

    My husband began to view me, more and more, as controlling, mothering him, or policing him. I kept telling him that I really didn’t want the job. I hated it! But, I was committed to doing the best I could, to help him, and to save his reputation, and to protect our family, finances, and ministry. (I really didn’t know how best to deal with the situation, but I was doing the best I knew how. And, really, he understood that – just didn’t agree with my methods.) During these relapses, it seemed like “hell on earth”. (Now, I know it is really nothing like what hell will really be like. But, that’s how I felt.) And, I could feel the demonic spirits present, and at work. I didn’t know how I could ever make it through another battle like this. I would pray, “Lord, please don’t let him relapse again! I don’t know how I can handle another one.” Yet, in my heart of hearts, really, I know that God’s grace is sufficient for me. And, if He allows me to go through another battle like that again, He will give me the power, by His Holy Spirit, to endure once again, victoriously. And, He has been faithful to do that! (Part I)

  18. I have been married 24 years and my husband still does hard drugs.We have 3 adults children together and 6 grandkids and he doesn’t have a relationship with none of them because of his drugs usage.I often tell pray and tell myself he gonna get better.It hasn’t happen yet.Now I’m to the point I Love him but I’m not in Love with him.He want change for his sickly mom so he’s definitely not gonna change for me.Him and his Brother does drugs in his mom house while she in the hospital now.They don’t care.Im personally tired and ready to leave him.He takes off his job 2 or 3 days don’t come home but when he does He tells me I mess up and go about his business as tho nothing happen.On top of that he carries an attitude as tho we did something wrong.So tired of that. I’m in the process of getting me a apartment and leaving him.I have had enough God did not put me here to take this type of abuse.I want take nomore.I want Peace in my life.Am I wrong to think and be this way?

    1. Hi Vickie. If you think leaving him is the best thing for you and your family, maybe you are right.
      I suggest you consult with a therapist because addiction affects the whole family and has a huge impact on you.
      Moreover, our contributor Amanda Andruzzi, speaks from a personal experience as an ex-wife of an addict. Feel free to leave a comment on some of her articles, she will respond personally and promptly:

  19. My husband physically and emotionally abuses me for now 8 years. He blames me for the abuse. He also claims to be a Christian. He went to christian school all his life and christian college. When he was 23 he began to take drugs but earlier tha. That he smoked pot. I wasn’t saved till much later in my marriage but after many years of praying and going back to him hw showed no changed. Hes all talk but no action. He knows the bible from the back of his hand but hes the most abusive person you will meet im leaving him i cant do it anymore. Hes threatening to kill me.

  20. Thank you for writing this! I have lived in alcohol and abuse for almost 37 yrs…. 18 of those years with my spouse. I grew up with a alcoholic Father that was abusive towards my mom. In high school I started having severe panic attacks and depression. My home life almost destroyed me! It has taken years of therapy, prayer, and deliverance. I unknowingly married and addcit and alcoholic. Now for almost 18years I have lived in this nightmare of abuse, verbal abuse, and affairs. Now my 14yr old daughter is having grave issues from living in this homelife. She voicefully says she hates her dad and will not come home until I leave him or he leaves. She has moved out with my mom. My husband refuses to leave and so I have had to find us a house we can move into in a few weeks. You are SO right in what you are saying and these people saying be long suffering and God would want you to stay obviously has NO idea the effects this has on the people living with this person. They have no idea how it destroys your soul little by little. My advice to anyone living in this is to leave until they can get help. I’m not saying you have to divorce but if you want to keep your sanity and your children’s then set clear bounderies and don’t let them come back and subject you to more abuse until they have changed….. and that will take time. They will lie or even believe themselves when they say they have changed but only after treatment and time, will you be able to trust that. I’m not even sure what life looks like outside of living in a alcoholic home. All I want is peace for me and my children. My heart is literally broken because I love my spouse with all of my heart but I have got to let him go and let God do the work in him because no matter how hard I try…. I cannot change him or fix him, only God can. Again, thank you for giving me hope and assurance that I am doing what’s best for my family.

  21. I need advice regarding staying in a marriage whi is an alcoholic, verbally and emotionally abusive. I’ve been called every name you can think of. My son at one time said we all have ptsd from living with him. My son hears a cupboard door slam and he’ll ask his wife what’s wrong. I believe in the covenant of marriage but I was not a Christian when I got married. I have been saved by the grace of God and I’m so confused about staying in marriage. I try and show him love, patience, ,kindness but it’s always me making the effort. I know deep down he’s sad and miserable but that doesn’t stop him from drinking.
    I have been married 32 years as of yesterday. My husband is an alcoholic, mentally and emotionally abusive. I believe I marriage. I have been separated from him for 6 months. He lives in our 3 bedroom home, my daughter and I are in an apartment because he would not leave. It’s so unfair. I try to show him love, even though it’s hard, I try to show compassion as Christians would do but it’s always me making the effort. I’m so confused, I want my marriage to work but he continues to drink, smoke and always thinks of himself. He hardlt6 sees our kids because once he’s home from work he doesn’t do anything but sit at home and have his beers. I pray for a miracle and God has been so faithful thru everything but I get tired of always being the one to make the effort. I would love some advice. I’m weary of having to try and be there for him and he never is for me. Always disappointed. I have a hard time when I go to see him because he’s in my home of 22 years and I’m in an apartment and just seems like all he cares about is himself. Alcoholism is such a selfish disease

  22. I agree with what was said. I was, and still am in some way, in total chaos because of my husband’s addiction problem. How can one, especially with a young child, expose both herself and her child to this total insanity?! Insanity is the true definition of what I lived for 6 years and am still living. I am still married, but I have decided to leave, because I REFUSE to expose my daughter to his issue. Until the person can get their act together… need to stay away. I’ve tried everything, but there comes a point where you have nothing left and need to take care of your child and yourself. God created man to lead the household, but how can he lead when he cannot even fend for himself?

  23. Wow, I just read a comment I wrote on here 7 years ago. Since that time, we moved, went through the tough year of getting him off drugs and he got full time work for a couple of years. Things seemed much better, I had the man everyone said he was before drugs, the man I didn’t really know but was hoping for. He turned to alcohol which made him more relaxed, funny, affectionate. For me this started out as a relief, but it turned into another ugly addiction. Drinking round the clock, addictive behavior. Tough family circumstances seemed (based on his behavior) to bend him back to drugs possibly as well. Unfortunately, things spiraled again to where I became generally afraid of his unpredictable rage and my constant stress levels seemed to lead to nearly daily IBS-D. We’ve been separated for 6 months and my IBS (which I suffered from for a couple of years) went away within weeks. Still trying to figure out the best way to deal with our situation. Attending al-anon has been a great support and help with my personal healing.

  24. long suffering? mental abuse is a terrible thing to endure long. If the person with the drug addictions, alcoholism that mentally abusing you or your children for years then you need to leave. A child’s mental health is critical! Not to mention your own. If a person doesn’t accept nor want help than no you do not stay and endure it just because they want to live their lives reckless.

  25. VIvian, I was in same situation for 20 years. Abusive AH started fights with sons and was abusive towards me. He worked sporadically so I had to work and carry all loads. Finally, enough was enough (too many examples to list) and I saw no future for my family while we lived with AH. AH refused to leave so me & 3 kids (young adults) left. AH tried rehad / relapsed / but violent, abusive, impulsive behaviors are still there. AH sees himself as a victim of our abandonment and takes no responsibility. He is only capable of thinking about himself. Sad man. He said he is incapable of working on marriage while apart and demanded that I come home. I refused. After long discussions with my priest, I realized that there is nothing more for me to do. AH is now ex_AH. I love the peace and so do the kids. There was no marriage – he vacated a long time ago. YOu can forgive, but it is foolish to put yourself back in the same situation when nothing has changed and you know that it would only get worse. I am child of God and I am worth not being abused. My kids are worth not being abused.

  26. My Daughter has been married to an abusive alcoholic for 15 yrs he’s getting worse everyday he looses jobs can’t keep a home for his family and is violent he even starts physical fights with his small 16 yr old son my daughter is confused I’m a Christian Woman and don’t believe in divorces but I think in this circumstance God would be very Forgiven for this kind of Action Please let me know what you think about this

  27. I have read many Christian blogs, scripture, and Gods word to help me through, but this conversation right here no where have I found something so profound as to what we all are experiencing. divorce, separation or, not, it’s comforting that we are not alone. 6 years I’ve been married I was the addict initially then we both went to Christian rehabilitation programs for 7 months, my husbands for mental, emotional childhood abuse mine was all out drug addiction you name it I did it felonies and all. I though somewhere along the road to recovery I received a miracle from God, what the devil had taken from me God restored so unbelievably breathtaking Miracle after miracle, why me, why did I get the miracle and others including my husband are still overtaken by the devils screams, only God knows answers. We have a 5 year old, and children on both sides from previous marriages. I fully take care of our son, as what was once emotional childhood trauma issues with my husband is now full blown addiction, his is anything, lsd, alcohol, and the most self destructive drug Mr. Meth Darkman. what am I going to do everyone wants to know, but I’ve found if you just do Jesus he will come alive and speak life in the darkest places, “we” Jesus and I together have grown me, set serious boundaries, I did some, God forced some on us, but all have been for my own walk with the Lord, God wants us to seperate our physical self from abuse with also acting in the image of Christ, remove the I, I, I, Me, Me, Me, and discover, unconditional love, unselfish love, before you go from black and white take a walk with God in the middle where there is no, all by yourself, or with someone else, but there is just you and a vow, God has said I can divorce and I can remain married and both are my choice as we have free will and grace that will bestow forgiveness, however here is the kicker, God asked me to remain in the situation I was in when I was called to Christ, and I was married. Will I get a divorce I don’t know, but while I wait on God, I study Gods word everyday, watch pastors, attend service, raise our son to know Jesus, have hobbies, wrote a Christian book, give to the poor, my husband may be an addict but in that it pushes me closer to God, so the real question to ask our self, can I get closer to God in this marriage does it push me to the Lord or away from, realize the person “addict” is not there the true person is asleep, all that they do is being ordained by darkness they do not even know what they are doing, forgive them father for they know not what they do. And shall I also highly recommend prayer and fasting as somethings can not be broken with out prayer and fasting. We shall be great full if this is the only trial in our life, as my Neighor just found out he has cancer all over and less than a year to live and his little boy who is 6 plays with my son everyday and it’s absolutely devastating to know this little boy is about to exspirience death for his first time and who’s mom is a drug addict and not in his life and he will now go and be raised by other people than his own parents, and because I’m not fixating my self on my husbands behavior I can open myself to this little boy who needs me, and who calls me mom, for whatever spiritual reason he likes calling me mom. Amen my hope and prayer this helps someone and many. Jesus we love you.

  28. I have read a lot of these comments and it seems like it is mostly husbands who are the addicts. My story is a little different. I am the wife and I am the one who is the addict. I have not been able to quit smoking crack. We haven’t been married a year and over and over again I have disappointed my husband because I went out and smoked crack. It seems like from the very beginning he has threatened me with divorce. In the beginning I wasn’t doing drugs but he was threatening divorce in arguments. I have always felt unstable in this marriage. He can decide at any moment that he wants a divorce. I went out last night and he said to not come home and that we are done. I just can’t stop smoking crack. I’ll stay away from it for a couple weeks to a month at a time but I always end up going back to it. I really think that I am done but out of nowhere the cravings hit me. A few days ago I told my husband that this Monday I was going to the local treatment center and signing up. I have gone on a massive binge I guess because I knew I was going to get help and I obsessively smoked every day because I knew I had to get those last ones in before I got help. He found out that I went out tonight and he says that’s it. I feel so bad but I just don’t know how to stop. I’ve been to prison twice and have been in treatment a few times. I don’t really feel confident that this time will even work. I feel bad that you all have to deal with addicts. It’s awful, I know. Addicts will betray their loved ones just to get a fix. I hate being like this and people who don’t use drugs just cannot begin to understand how powerful it is. I know my husband doesn’t understand. He is way past the point of having any compassion for me. I don’t blame him and I totally understand why he wants to leave but I also think that he is so quick to say “divorce, divorce” because his mom has been married four times. I think that ruined the sacredness of marriage for him. If you don’t wanna deal with someone’s problems, just leave them. I thought that we vowed to be there in sickness and in health. I am sick. I know that I hurt him but he vowed to be there for me. I know one day that God will help me kick this addiction but it’s probably too late now for my husband to ever witness that. Pray for us.

  29. This article is 7 years old now, but reading the comments has brought me so much comfort. My husband of 6 years is a full blown heroin addict. I knew he was when we married. He looks high in the wedding photos. Somehow, I thought things would get better. Each year they get worse. The sensitive, loving man I married no longer has any kind words for me. He swears at me, and screams at me almost hourly. The abuse is has started to become physical sometimes. Like many of the wives who commented, I work 2 jobs to support the home/his addiction. I keep a secret savings account he’d empty if he knew about. He is rarely employed. Right now, I want to stay with him, but I am so scared for the future. I’m praying for all the wives who have commented in similar situations. To any women considering marrying an addict, please, make them show you they can maintain at least a few months sobriety first.

  30. Hi I am 50 my mother has been addicted to pills since she was 19 she is now 74. I have recently walked away and so has she walked away from me.I feel bad but I can’t help someone who loves her addiction more than her daughters. I’m so scared I will go to he’ll not loving her unconditionally. But she has financially drained me and emotional. I dont know how to be set free from her.I was saved when I was 23 but everyone that knows me knows my internal struggle but yet she is some how expecting me to give.I’m afraid to say if I was bleeding to death because of her she would have no need of Godly council to make sure God is honored

  31. Its beem years since I joined this group of information. I married a man on Facebook who confessed Jesus but later found out after marriages he was a drug addict and Physic Patient. It was very hard for me to divorce him because of my up bringing in the church. Not only did I experience anxiety and fear, later it turned into abuse. After we got marriage it turned into manipulation and using my money to sale drugs. I continue to follow you Dr. Stevie for wisdom and spiritual clues. Until the Lord approved of the divorce, he informed me only if I married in the Lord. Later, March 2013 he tried to smother me to dead, God freed me.

  32. This book really gives good insight from a biblical perspective. “Divorce: God’s Will?” By Stephen Gola

    I too believed love was “long suffering” I thought “I will show him I believe” I got divorced 2 years ago… you know what happened after I left? He kept using and even made headlines on the news for selling 19 grams of meth. He didn’t want to stop… when I divorced he was in jail for over a year he got out and in 2 months was back in.

    It was so sad he had a kind heart but his love for drugs was greater I NEVER THOUGHT he’d cheat! I mean he was home with me every night…. later I found out he cheated on me some type of way over 10 times.

    I was risking myself. I already tried to protect myself from getting some kind of STD but that is not a marriage. That is not an environment to flourish. You become consumed by he other’s behavior.

    I’m with someone else now, they are the same age and it’s night and day. He is responsible, self-controlled, goood at managing money, he’s truely a partner. Is it perfect, no, but it’s healthier.

    Before, though my ex was not physically abusive he was emotionally and spiritually. I have not anger towards him. I do feel sadness. I pray one day he does choose to serve God first.

    I don’t encourage divorce. It’s telaly something you must pray about. I stayed and for over a year I prayed if I should stay? I felt I was causing more harm in his life than good. I was enabling him. You must really ask God to guide you and what you should do. You must be tendered hearted to what he is calling you to do. I was sad… No one ever gets married thinking “I’m going to get divorced one day…” it’s very sad. It took me time to really start healing and it took me years of counseling.

  33. Good evening. Great info posted however I do have something that is on my mind in regards to the divorce aspect. (1st post by the author of this site). You did mention that your wife was previously married and had been through alpt so she divorced her husband. In the Bible it states Mark 10: 11. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” – So are you saying that somebody can divorce and remarry? Yet the word of God opposes your action. Please elaborate on this. God bless

  34. Back in 2010, my husband had reached his bottom, at only 32 years old, I had to call an ambulance, unbeknownst to me, he was using five different prescription drugs and cocaine, along with alcohol and pot, he had twisted himself into a tight, unrecognizable knot. Our three adorable and amazing children were young when they witnessed their dad’s downward spiral. I have replied to this blog in the past; it’s been awhile since I have updated my/our story. Our kids are now 20, 21 and 26; they are remarkable, honors students at college and socially and actively engaged and very creative. They do no smoke, do drugs or drink. They did not follow in their father’s footsteps, though their grandfather was no help to their dad, as he suffered his own quiet demons and alcoholism, relapsing after 25 years. I was scared to death back when my husband was drinking. It was bad and terribly abusive, mostly emotional and mental abuse, peppered in with rage and lashing out, once in awhile a push, shove or something thrown across the room. But I hung on, because, believe it or not, our kids loved their father and knew he was worth saving. My husband gave up alcohol and all other drugs, except pot. He was okay, as long as he could keep his anxiety at a minimum. He finally gave up the marijuana too, but was deeply depressed and agitated all the time. He needs medical marijuana. HIs anxiety, voices, minimal, but existing, and general unease, make it difficult for him. I love him, and have suffered my own stress disorder due to all this insanity. But I knew that God brought us together for a reason. I think God knew that I was the right wife for Jeff, a noble, and honest, hard working man, so I kept it together for all and now our family is back together in one piece and we are enjoying all the joys that go along with an active and happy life. The kids are stable and so resilient and I am recovering from an affliction which rendered me sensitive to wireless technology, brought on my the installation of a “smart meter”, which is a two way transmitting device, installed to track energy usage, but it emits a very high frequency. I got very sick from this pulsed radiation in my home and now focus on my own healing. My husband has now had to become my savior, and along with God, he has been a huge support for me while I recover. He is 8 years sober and only smokes weed occasionally and I have been told that CBD oil is very beneficial, no THC, for my own healing, as it helps to relax the nervous system and heals internal organs from the exposure to free radicals and toxins. Life has a way of circling back. I would have left had the abuse been severe, physically, but I chose to detach with love and stay prayerful. God and Faith and writing about my experiences for the past 15 years has given me clarity. God has given me the strength and courage and healing hands and eastern therapies have healed my body. I discovered, thru prayer, that western medicine does not have all the answers. That God is waiting to show us the way. God has given us everything we need to make the right decisions, but we must be willing participants in our own lives and follow His rules. Today sickness and dis-ease are ravaging our bodies. We are sicker then we have ever been and we are not taking care of the ONE vessel God gave us. The churches do not push healing through nutrition and have become caught up “Worldly Ways”. This was not God’s intention for his children. He would like us close to Him, close to His Earth and close to all that is provided in Nature. We are missing the mark. Buying into philosophies, buying the food, filled with chemicals and toxins, eating tainted foods and filling our souls with garbage. This is why we are in a state of chaos today. I hope everyone gets a copy of “Getting Well God’s Way”, recently self published book about healing thru good nutrition. The soul of the planet is in pain.God knows how we can get back to loving each other again, by loving the plan He Himself laid out for His children. The author is Kathy Bates, a warrior for our time and a new friend of mine. Today, give up refined sugar and drink a glass of water with Himalayan Pink Sea Salt, it will do you wonders and revive your body and brain. Peace out. Praying for Peace. Alcoholism is brought on by many factors, but I suggest a poor diet increases the likelihood and the cravings to numb.

  35. I commented on this post so long ago I can’t even find it. Both of my ex husbands were using iv drugs behind my back. I had to to get HIV and Hep C tests done. It was so embarassing. I have a 10 yo child. Both husbands endangered my health by having sex with me….. And endangered the custody of my minor child because the were doing the drugs in secret in our home in the bathroom. I am lucky I didn’t catch any life threading sicknesses or the cops didn’t bust these guys…. (when I was living there with my child) Thank God I got away healthy with my child. This is not Gods design. I have no guilt for being a divorced Christian. When you live with a drug addict it’s constant emotional and mental abuse because the person you are interacting with is not in there right mind. It’s always one thing after another….

  36. I divorced my alcolhokic abusive husband after 12 years of marriage. Neither of us were Christians coming into the marriage and it wasn’t until I was going through my divorce that I became a Christian. He didn’t change his ways. I received godly counsel in whether I could leave. I was told I could. Can I remarry?

  37. I think one has a moral obligation to children you choose to bring into this world to protect them from abuse and the instability an addictive spouse brings into the home. My husband is a functioning alcoholic (so well functioning I had no idea of his addiction until after we were married), and he has never demonstrated drunkeness in front of the children. He knows the day he does – the kids and I are gone, I refuse to put them through the nightmare my husband experienced with his drunk Father who abused and drank in the home without consequences or boundaries by his mother. I don’t think being a Christian spouse means you have to be a doormat, and forgiveness does not mean you can’t detach with love, as they say in Al-anon. Our lives are ours, we cannot control others, but we can pray for Gods will, and if His will for health and restoration is rejected by an addict – I don’t think a married Christian should feel like they have failed the course in their marriage when they say “enough is enough”. To quote the July 1st reading from Al- anons “One day at a Time”: The person I married cannot be the source of my happiness or sorrow. The gift of life is personally mine – as his life belongs to him – to enjoy or destroy, as each of us wishes. “I see him angry. Must I be? He is hostile. Must I be? Am I being faithless to my marriage vows when I achieve a bit of self-confedence while he continues to suffer the pains of self-doubt? I am not his guide, master or keeper. We are individuals and must each find our lonly way to our goals. My sources of comfort and strength he refuses to share with me; I have leaned through bitter experience that is is fruitless to offer them”.
    Al-Anon has a great tool kit to offer spouses of Alcoholics no matter what you choose to do.

  38. SPOT ON. I did same – stayed way to long and exposed my children to absolute chaos for the same reason – I’m a Christian. I prayed for relief for years. During this time, one child left home and has no contact with me because of the situation. Even when the AAA imploded, I still tried to make things work. Thank GOD, AAA walked away because I not sure that I ever would have.

  39. I think God has mercy,my husband got on opiates 3 years ago,we have no children together,however I have never been a enabler and I feel as if I am getting mentally abused inside my mind and body,.we have been seperated for 3 years been together off and on but he always relapse.the struggle it does on me,I feel like I am loosing my mind,I have no energy,severely depressed,I feel no happiness and it is just over burdening me,I am tired all around.I am a Christian but. An only take so much
    ,unless you have lived with an addict you have no idea how it is.the lieing,the sneaking,he is loosing his job and is self employed and well educated,he gets mean,then nice,is always sorry,broken promises,partying and doing what he wants well I work and spend my days off alone not knowing what he is doing,where he is or if I might get a phone call that he has passed away……he loves me I do believe but the chaios is just to much to handle,his family doesn’t help me.i tried asking them to do a intervention with me but they don’t want involve,imagine that.while he is not cheating on me,he is however cheating on me with drugs,he does take the blame,admits I am a good wife and that he has the problem.but when it comes down to it it’s my problem to and I can’t go on like this anymore,I pray for him,attend church,confide in my pastor,we did Christian marriage counseling in the beginning,it’s jus a dead in street and lots of burdens for me.i think God wants us happy and not to bail out ASAP when we get problems in the marriage but I also thinks that he knows our hearts and doesn’t expect us to take any kind of abuse no matter what kind….🙏🙏🙏

  40. I too have dealt with the struggle of addiction in my marriage with my spouse I have now learned which I wish I knew before is to get on my knees and pray and rely on the Lord he is a mighty mighty holy God and he is a god of restoration we have gone through it all we are learning forgiveness and the power of prayer and Gods mercy

  41. For better or for worse. Not for better only. There is a special place in hell for a spouse that abandons a disabled spouse to make life easier on themselves. The devil is running loose in the world. Pray for everyone involved.

  42. My husband and I met when were both lost. We had a child and lived in sin for 6 years. Then I made Jesus the Lord of my life. We got married, since we were already married in God’s eyes. Here we are, 5 years later, and my husband is still lost. And within the past year, he has started using drugs. He had brought some bad people and bad substances around our home, so I asked him to leave. We do not want a divorce, but he does not want to stop using drugs. In fact, he won’t even admit to using them in the first place. I have made it clear that he cannot come home until he is clean. It has been 3 months since he left. I am looking for a way to better my life and my son’s life. I don’t know if God would approve of a divorce, but it seems like the only way out

  43. Well here is one from the addicted spouse.I read these comments and truly I don’t do any of these things and my wife left me.I am a Christian and yes a sinner as well but I treat my wife with the utmost respect.I show her Love and Kindness and I have taken care of her for seven years .I raised 5 children and they are all adults and were before we got married and they are all doing very well.I am honest and she is the only one in our family that has a problem with my use. No one can tell if I am using or not. I stopped fo a year because she made it miserable for me. She told me if I did then things would be better between us..They were for about 3 weeks .I told myself I would give it a year and I did.It was still the same so I started again she is the one who is hateful she is the one who is unforgiving and I can go on.I see no evidence of Christ in her only the sound of Christian music blasting from her car..I believe our vows said “In sickness and in health” and that means nothing to her. I know that Jesus said above all Love.. And I do The drugs only make it a little harder it seems but I just try harder and I cant see where it has done anything but benefit my family.Its more like self medication to me.

  44. I am 29 i have been married to my husband for 11 years we have six children im so confused on what god would want me to do . my husband is a good person a good father he has never been physically nor mentally abusive to any of us he has addiction to crystal meth we have been seperated for a year because i told him to leave the drugs alone or i was leaving he chose not to so i left but i still love my husband an everyone is telling me i need to get a devorice he will never change me an my kids deserve better im so lost i have no clue what to do in my mind i think who am i to judge him i my self am a sinner when i married him i made a vow till death do us part do i devorice him just because he has a drug problem an advice most apprceated

  45. Divorce is a serious thing. So serious that scripture makes it very clear what the grounds for divorce are. Drug abuse is not one of them if you take literal view of scripture. If you conclude that drug abuse is a biblical ground for divorce based on an interpretation then you can just as easily make the case that workaholism is also a biblical ground for divorce. The problem with your methodology in deciding what constitutes a ground for divorce is that it can be used to justify divorce subjectively. A spouse who reads your conclusion can easily justify divorcing their husband just because their mate is an alcoholic. The Bible did not leave this up for debate. If drug addiction is a reason then how much drug abuse is allowed? One time? 30 times? What about a drug addict who relapses? How many relapses are allowed using your methodology. What about a drug addict who struggles yet is repentant? What about a drug addict who is doing everything they can to stop but have not been freed of this bondage yet? I know of so many stories of spouses who have stayed with a drug addict for years without any changes but are now free from this burden on their marriage. Every believer’s struggle are redeemable and that is why Scripture makes it very clear what the grounds are for divorce. If a spouse goes by your methodology and leaves the husband or wife because of drug abuse then you have set them up for a life lived in sin if either of them remarries. Some commands appear to be somewhat subjective based on the context but divorce is not one of them because God hates divorce and because all men and women are redeemable.And I have read through many of these posts. They are truly sad sad stories and I can feel the pain that many of these spouses feel being married to an addict. It is heartbreaking. But what many victims seem to forget is that the addict is in just as much pain if they want to stop and can’t. However what is almost completely absent in these posts is scripture. The scriptural justification for divorce is desertion (leaving the marriage) and adultery. That’s it! Satan will do everything he can in order to end the marriage. We also have to remember that in God’s eyes we are all sinners. Accept for Mike (see his post above). But we are all redeemable. And someone can be a drug addict and still be a born again believer. We all have our habits, hurts, and hang ups. All of us do! We all fall short every single day. To put yourself above the addict is a sin of pride. Can I divorce my spouse if they habitually struggle with pride. No! I can’t! Can I divorce my spouse if they do not show grace to the addict? No, I can not! When we see an addict or a victim of an addict our response is very clear in scripture. We should show grace and remember that “love endureth ALL things”! Is separation an option? Yes, but not divorce. Nothing could be clearer in scripture. “There but for the grace of God go I”

  46. Thank you for this article. I left an alcoholic husband after 28 years, the emotional abuse has left me scared, however God is slowly repairing my aching heart. I am struggling with self esteem as his family system never gave compliments. My family decided to cut me off except for 1 sister. And my church scorned me. My heart aches daily.

  47. Help!
    I’ve been married to a Suboxone addict for 5 years!!
    He got on this medication when we got together to help him with his opioid addiction, we’ve been together technically for 6 years. He promised he’d get clean with this medication but it’s just as bad!! It’s extremely expensive at the pharmacy even with insurance and he spends our last dime on to get it out ,also pays his doctor hundreds of dollars a year to stay on it. He has a job and everything but he ca uses some serious ruckus if he does not have his medication, ie, constant fights, tears up the house. He doesn’t hit me but he does everything else to me ie, manipulation, lie, break stuff, yell,calls me a bitch, all because I try and keep him from spending our last dime but he scares me ,so I give in because he will threaten not to go to work if he doesn’t get it and we have a child so I can’t allow things to not get paid. I’m thinking about getting allow job allowed leaving him. I’m so tired of fighting him till I can’t blue in the face..Suboxone is more addictive then other drugs I can’t believe and incredibly expensive. I feel I have fallen out of love for him, he s lost all my respect for him and my trust. I am a godly woman who constantly prays and he is opposite, he believes in aliens and doesn’t exactly believe in god . What do I do?!?! I’ve given him 6 years of forgiveness and mercy !!

  48. I have been with my wife going on 12 years now we have an 11 month old daughter i found out when my daughter was 3 months old she used drugs . Now i found out my wife is a full blown drug addict i knew her 12 years and didn’t know….. i no longer trust her respect her or love her like i once did. She says she is a Christian i used to see it now i can’t tell she curses all the time the drug use lies. I’ve been praying for almost 6 months for Jesus to open her heart and save her to no avail. … im thinking of taking my daughter and leaving until i get custody threw a divorce.

  49. I’m not sure where to begin. I’m married to a man who uses marijuana daily. Hourly in fact. We have been married 6 years. Together for almost 10. He does not become lazy or anything, but I think he does it too much. Here’s the tricky part: He had legal trouble. 2 DUI’s/probation/lost license for over 2 years. I know he’s capable of quitting, but refuses. I’ve asked him literally 50 times over 5 years to quit because it hurts me and I feel abandoned because he’s outside getting high all the time. On top of that, he’s the only one who works, because I had to become a stay at home Mom. When our son was born a few years ago, my husband started mentally abusing me. He had a tiny miscommunication w/ my parents and he blew it up to an enormous problem. They tried everything to apologize for the little misunderstanding but he kept making it worse. As a result, he forced me to shut them out. He threatened divorce and he had a neighbor watching the house. He called me horrible names over the years, and to this day still plays mind games with me. I’ve been praying all the time for answers, guidance, etc. Fast forward to this current day, he is fine with my parents and I having a relationship. And the neighbor does not keep tabs (that ended probably a year ago). But I’m tired of him lying all the time. He’s lied constantly about quitting weed and lied he wasn’t doing it. He has zero respect for me obviously. He gives me a hard time about going to church and gives me a hard time for other things. I know we are meant to suffer in life to an extent, but my gosh! How long do I need to suffer? I am afraid to take my son from his dad. A very tiny part of me loves my husband, but only as my son’s father. I’m too kind and patient sometimes. Should I leave him and try to find happiness? Leave and see if he will ever change? Stay and be broken and depressed for the rest of my life? Please someone give me advice. Thank you.


  51. I’ve been dealing with my husbands addiction for over 10 years now he stops and starts recently I found out he was at it again we don’t have a sex life and haven’t for years I’m so tired I just want out but am afraid God will not be happy with me

  52. My husband uses pills,drinks and sometimes slips and uses even meth. He is mean and very big mood swings. He controls the money he makes and yells at my handycap daughter he has moved us away from all of my family and support 1200 miles away. I am a Christian he well? I have stayed together out of love. Now I am so over the abuse and drug use I just want free from the sin and yelling and cussing. should I do.

  53. Hi my name is Mike, I just read this post or whatever this thing is called I’m not too internet-savvy. At the bottom of the post there is a sentence that says that drug abuse maybe sufficient grounds for divorce, I think you need to take the post down there is not enough to go off of your giving the people the wrong information. My name is Mike Silver’s I’m a father of four I’m a husband who is struggling with an addiction but not too bad of an addiction it just started and my wife hopefully stands by me as I would for her for. You’re not promoting marriage you’re promoting divorce I grew up without a father also it was just my mom my parents got divorced before I was born and you know what it made me who I am today and I’m trying to break the cycle but I have an Impulse disorder that I’ve been working on since I was 17. I’ve been doing methamphetamines for 7 months that’s sufficient grounds for divorce. If you were a True Believer in Jesus Christ there is never sufficient grounds divorce doesn’t even exist you have to accept that moment that thing whatever it is and you need to make it right with yourself before you make it right with your significant other or whomever it may be love is one of the strongest things in the world it’s not as pure as it was I remember even when I was growing up and I’m 35 I was born in 1982. I waited to get married 7 years I’ve been with my wife now for 11 why because I’ve been through relationships I didn’t know how to be a husband or a father I took the chance and it may not be good right now but God and I are going to make it better and I will fight for my family in my wife please take that down off of your website here on your sight. Or maybe years of drug abuse would be sufficient ,something more elaborate. I hope you take these words into consideration, when I read that at the bottom it stands out it’s all by itself there was no detailed description or advice or what the testimony says of a person lacking knowledge. You know what forget that it’s all too easy it’s too easy to give up and just throw the towel in. What is wrong with you people in the world today like I said I’m 35 I was born in 1982 how do I get it. There’s no excuse for any of it everybody has it in their body just a matter of they want to use it. I just think it’s crazy for you to put sufficient grounds for divorce for drug use. You’re telling my wife if she’s looked at this how do I know but you’re telling her to throw the towel it’s sufficient grounds because your husband has been doing drugs for 7 months. We’re all human beings bro there is not one thing on this planet that’s perfect. ASK THE LORD NOT TO HELP ME QUIT ASK THE LORD TO GIVE YOU STRENGTH TO QUIT YOU HAVE ALL THE TOOLS YOU NEED YOU JUST HAVE TO APPLY THEM. EVERYBODY’S BORN WITH THESE TOOLS ,UNFORTUNATELY THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT JUST DON’T FIND IT WITHIN THEMSELVES TO USE THESE TOOLS

  54. God really hates divorce. I say that After experiencing what I did. God Set Me Free October 2010, he did not set my wife free. She knew of God and I tried real hard to get her to surrender, but she would not. For the first two years I cried out with misery for God to set her free, when He told me I could set her free just like I said you free. I knew exactly what he meant, So I gave up. After doing so I finally got the peace back in my heart, but she was a mess! This was a rollercoaster ride and has been for six and a half years. Every time I tried to take back control I would lose my peace. July 2016 I cried out to God again begging him to show me what to do, He led me to a verse that said if an unbelieving spouse wanted to stay put than I was to stay put. I accepted that for at least 2 or 3 more weeks until the going got tough again, then I asked others in the church what I should do, their advice was for me to separate with the intentions of reconciliation, and this is what I chose to do. The day I packed my bag and put them in my work truck I was involved in a bad accident. I broke 3 ribs and cracked my hip socket and tore my rotator cuff,. I was in the hospital in intensive care for four days then went home to my wife where I was at her mercy because I could not fend for myself, 3 months into my healing it was brought to my attention. The accident was a disciplinary action for my disobedience. At first I was so angry, but after I got over the anger I realized the importance of obedience.God doesn’t always take us out of our situation sometimes he comes in and shows us his power through the situation. We have to be careful about giving advice to others, not knowing their situation, we can do more harm to them than good. Man-made philosophy has an appearance of wisdom and in the end it leads to death

  55. I’ve been married 7 years, I did know my husband was an addict when we got married, smoking OxyContin, I “put my foot down” which lead him to a methadone program. Once he started that which blocks the opiate receptors he started smoking meth. I would find paraphanelia constantly, pornography addiction was also at play the entire time. I’ve always been controlling (you don’t pick an addict to marry because your healthy!!) and the constant lying manipulation excuses lead to bigger and bigger fights, deeper and deeper resentment a total lack of respect on both sides and demands to get our needs met which of course the other refused or couldn’t do. My husband started viciously attacking my sexual past (I didn’t come to the Lord till I was 29) and writing and drawing pornographic material with me as the main character and leaving these around the house. He is currently on a fast methadone reduction schedule in order to go into his first inpatient program. I lost it after 3 years of this weird sexual abuse and told him he gets off everything or we are done. The hard part is with all this crap deep down he is the kindest person you could ever meet, he loves animals and children (we don’t have any thank God!!!!) he is helpful and thoughtful. But all this crap has overshadowed all these amazing qualities, plus I feel I have a boat load of issues myself! I certainly came with my fair share of baggage…this is my struggle, I know it’s not all him, in regards to the fighting (the addiction is all him and the variations of it) but I am not in a place to give any grace or compassion and am only counting the days till he is out of this house….Ugh It is horrendous, lonely, confusing and the most difficult thing in my life, to include my childhood. I’m doing my best to Lean on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I’m looking forward to this chapter being over.

  56. I am finally divorced from a man who has been addicted to alcohol, then crystal meth. He turned into a monster, couldn’t keep a job and lived a life separate from me and the kids. It was hell. I prayed for my marriage, but God showed me his answer was for me to leave. My husband was also sleeping with other drug addicted women. I now found a man who doesnt drink smoke, or any of that, he is loyal and a God fearing man. I only wish we had met much sooner, but God knew what he was doing. I hope I can help other women break free from husbands who abuse them mentally and physically

  57. My husband is an alcoholic he’s been drinking your systems 12 and I married him I did not know he was a can I saw him drink beer but I didn’t know it was so excessive since 2015 he’s been suffering with liver damage and he has bleeding issues and I just found out he has hepatitis these things he came in a marriage with and I did not know I’m very upset that I’m still married to him and have to endure all this take him back and forth to the hospital clean up his blood when he has bloody mess is vomiting or the mere fact that he doesn’t work doesn’t contribute to the household everything falls on me he knows the Lord but he chooses to do if he does because of his addiction I feel lost

  58. Hi, I have a question… for many years I have had the doubt of what to do, and whether I can divorse my husband and marry again… so to make my story short, I got marry when i was 17, my husband was an ex addict, never thought after 5 years clean, he would’ve go back to drugs… i came to this country with him to meet his family and ge brainwashed me by saying his family wanted us to take care of their businesses, save money and gi back to RD…. offered to get marry to avoid the additional expenses of leaving the country every 3 months since I only had a visa… I agreed to marry him because I didn’t want to leave his side… not even a year after he was back on drugs… heroin, cocaine… stealing, selling to support his own addiction… sold my computer, the only tool I had to communicate with my family…i had many arguments and physical fights with him due to this matter… he used to hit me like if I was another guy… I was young and at times I was hitting him right back, but I was afraid and broken inside… 1 day I told him if he didn’t put himself on a rehab center the next day I was going to leave… so the next day after my doctor’s appointment he was supposed to leave to rehab but instead he left with a group of friends… I didn’t know where he was until like 3 am… he called from a friend’s phone apologizing and saying this was the last thing he was doing… I stoked my money, left me broke..i told him to come back home, he said he was too far and I even offered paying a cab but he refused and hung up on me… my last words were I hope you get locked up… and he did that night… I rather see him in jail than dead. he was making a big robbery.
    After 3 days of not knowing anything about him I received a call from the FBI telling me that he was captured and that he was in the hospital after falling from a 3rd floor trying to escape.. my world came down… I wasn’t a believer then.. many thing happened while he was in jail obviously.. but I was still there, writing everyday, working my butt off just to pay his phone calls… I didn’t have any food at home, thank God I worked at burger king and that was all I ate.. for drink I used to have a king size fruit punch without ice from bk so it can last longer.. I used to work 3 jobs, and travel 2 hours 3x week to go see him all the time.. until I heard that even from jail he was using drugs… I didnt trust him, I was afraid of my future.. i met the father of my child who by the way has 4 children with different woman and 2 step kids.. but never touched a drug or alcohol and was 100% there for all his children.. I been with him ever since… 15 years now.. I became a Christian about 4 years ago.. I truly repent the lifestyle I once had but I struggle with what I’m supposed to do.. I obviously don’t want to leave my boyfriend and would love to marry him if is what I’m supposed to do and is acceptable by God but I need to first get divorse and don’t know if I’m allowed… either way I’m sinning.. what should I do to make things right in the eyes of the Lord? Please help…

  59. I think people should do what they feel is right for them. There is no biblical references where divorce is acceptable except the old testament. But you don’t have to live with that person and his/her abuse. Divorce is one thing, putting up with abuse is another. Find me the scripture that says okay. Jesus never said you have to live with that person did he? Most likely if the person is abusive or physically abuse you leave and give them a choice. Shape up or ship out. Call the cops on them. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Most drug abusers are cowards and end up in jail, dead or rehab anyway. Pray for them, fast for them you could save their lives.

  60. I love Jesus with all of my heart and he has been very good to me and my family. I am struggling because I know my husband is lying about his drug and alcohol problem. I just recently quick a high paying job and am barely working. I did this because I am currently working on my Master’s in Special Ed, and I needed experience. I am a teachers aide, that pays very little and the hours are three hours a week. The good thing about working short hours is I spend more time taking care of my family. I am not in an abusive relationship and me and the kids are safe, but I know my husband is abusing drugs and alcohol. I plan to leave him as soon as my career as a teacher begins, but I feel I need to do something now. I am stuck and I do not know how to leave. Divorce is not something that I need. I am fine just having Jesus be my husband. He is really good at that. But I do feel like I am not doing me or my husband any good by just sticking around. I am just asking for prayer, I am very much alone, and i just need prayer. Jesus will guide you in what to pray for I know he will.

  61. The emotionally destructive marriage by Leslie Vernick it gave me the Christian tools in order to stay and stay well or leave and leave well. I decided to leave after 16 years of marriage and 2 teens we separated 3 years ago and divorced 4 months ago, Did he change his ways? Nop, he is going to rehab again (5th time now)’so sad for him he knows the Lord best t I could not be in an emotional abusive place, can’t trust him, why this happened? Because we did not made a wise decision from the beginning , Still We have 2 wonderful kids. Peace is again in our home , please buy this book women out there. Trust me it will be your second bible. God bless and hoping you will free yourselves from this horrible bondage.

  62. Here is what I know. Every man seems to come across this temptation, whether the devil is taking men by storm or it comes down to simply not having a true relationship with Christ. In my last ditch effort to save hopes for love with a true man of God, I’ve set a new amazingly high standard. It’s simple. I by the grace of God would and do solemnly try to swear (knowing I should not more like a promise) will never subject myself to dating, courting, or marrying, having any relations of any kind with a “man” born in America. Face it. Sin is sin, woman fall in love with God more deeply for some reason. But as far as the American society we must understand we have all gone astray, like sheep without a shepard, the wickedness doesn’t end with this lifestyle. Im praying to love my family to Israel. There maybe I can stand a decent chance better than 5% of finding an honest man who loves God. Either way it’s time to stop putting our husbands before our King. Love the Lord your God with al your heart soul and mind, then love your neighbor. Dont let anything come between you and your relationship with God. Marriage is definitely the devils playground. People change people are sinful. Just remember God forgave us, and he loves all of us, no one is perfect but the “want” is where we go wrong. God never commanded us to want a perfect marriage but he did command us to love the Lord with All our heart, we can’t do that if we are sacrificing our spirituality to please anothers demons. Rebuke Satan and plea the blood of Jesus. Nothing is impossible with Christ but not everything is probably. Be wise not in your own eyes. Seek peace and pursue. Resist the devil and he will…… Flee. 🙂 God is holding your hand right now, while you hurt it’s always to bring you closer to him rejoice and be grateful he is doing marvelous things we cannot see or understand.

  63. My husband abandoned his step sons and I last Jeanette 7th, . Since then it’s been a spiral of filing divorce papers, him getting two DUI, and wanting to stay married. Then recently he was dual diagnosed,l as a Bipolar addict. Although he attends AA, was on medication (he stopped taking it a few days ago), and had a counselor and psychiatrist he still cycles back and forth from loving me, wanting a future together and wanting to deal with his addiction and bipolar alone and getting a divorce. He is still living in another state. I am a mess, the roller coaster of all this has seen me attempt suicide (June 8th) and my health has been deeply affected by the anxiety and depression. My body is literally attacking itself with several joints in late stages of osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. I’m currently recovering from a finger fusion and joint reconstruction. Them BAM!, two days ago he’s back to wanting a divorce. I’ve tried finding a counselor with no luck in one experienced in addiction type marriages. We have discussed over the phone counseling with his counselor or looking for someone who can counsel us via a Skype type video. However, every time we get close to finding someone he flips the switch that he can’t handle working on our marriag, managing his meds and his AA steps together and decides to go it alone and divorce. I am a loss as to what to do or what God expects of me. I hate divorce and am heartbroken at the prospect that it may be the only solution

  64. I have been married 3 times 1st husband drank, n did drugs n bit me so I divorced him 2nd good me he was a Christian n he wasn’t he verbally n phiscally abused me n told me he looked men n stop having sex w me divorced him 3rd we r Still married 17 yrs from day one has abused drugs n beer, flirts w other women n sm family members right in front of my face! I’m so tired of trying to make this marriage work I have left the Lord several times cuz of da way he is! I’m back serving da Lord n his getting worse please HELP ME? CAN I LEAVE HIM! I NEVER EACH TO BE MARRIED AGAIN

  65. My story goes back 30 years, to a wife once beautiful and a home once much loved. In 1981 I married my college love, year later, small daughter. At the same time she was dealing with a multiple drug addiction suite – methadone, marijuana, cocacine, valium and alchohol (she drank thunderbird). Our marriage crumbled after 3 years into wreckage and I learned much about addictive behavior. No one really recovered from it but we are still alive and my daughter, married, does well and has her own daughter. My ex-wife is alive and living a reduced life in a major city. I am re-married and living in Georgia.

  66. I have read a lot of your post and my life story is similar to a lot of yours.I met my husband in Jr high school and I should’ve ran.My husband has been using cocaine and drinking alcohol for over 30 years,he’s been to prison twice because of it.The part I’m so having trouble with is just moving on,our children are all grown and he still uses n drink almost everyday, the smell is such a turn off, he’s tried AA to no avail he will con anybody, he’s stolen from me over the years,he’s cheated some I knew names n some just a woman intuition, he never wanna talk about it,just always say he went to the casino knowing he lying.I been trying my best to help this man after all these years and its also embarrassing to take him around family because you know he gonna get drunk and soon as you get home he will start an argument to as they say get away for some hours n then come back as if everything is fine.It was one particular time I wouldn’t dare have sex with him because of all the late nights he would stay out,sometimes pawning our vehicle out to smoke crack,he even caught a disease from a woman n had to go to the health office to get healed not once but twice, were about to celebrate 26 years of marriage n a few days n it doesn’t even excite me, I have given him all of me he’s my 1st n only if I left now it would be hard to start over again,nor would I ever wanna marry again,I’m shout to truly divorce him,I see no change,if anything he’s getting worse,I do love him but I can only continue to pray for him n his deliverance of all his demons.I have prayed for years about this n I’m still praying but now I think I must let go n let God,I’m tired of the pain

  67. Hello. I have been married to an alcoholic for almost 4 years. (long story short) didn’t know he had this problem when we first got married. I found out soon after that he likes to drink. The last 6 months he’s been drinking 12 – 18 beers a day) He is not mean or abusive. He does not like when I mention that he needs to “quit” or cut back. He went to AA November 2016 after admitting he had a problem. After the 7 days of no drinking and the AA meetings, he came to the conclusion that he wasn’t as bad as everyone else and he didn’t really have a problem. We separated 2 days after Christmas because he was also driving while intoxicated. After long sleepless nights I came to the conclusion that he probably realized that he really does have a problem and is using every excuse to continue down this road. He also takes 4 unisom and 1 ambien every night after drinking all day. I’m afraid this will take his life. I’ve asked him to come back home and lets work on this together. He refuses and says he can’t come back because he doesn’t want the judgement (my sunday school class knows and so does my family) I felt I needed a godly support system so I shared our issue. He is very upset about that. He has told me that we can sell our home that I’m living in now and move with him to our beach house. I’m hesitant because that won’t “fix” the issue. I’m afraid I’ll become an enabler. Any advice would be appreciated. I love this man. He tells me he loves me. We talk every day…..not long conversations. Later at night he doesn’t make alot of sense. Please advise.

  68. I have endured 5 years with an addict husband. I have been in a chronic state of limbo of whether divorce was an option or not for me. I have exhausted every single resource to get him help and he continuously chooses drugs. The emotional terror and abuse that I have been put through is almost unbearable. He may not physically hurt me, but the emotional stress has taken a toll on me that I could never imagine. After so many sleepless nights on making a decision, I have concluded this: I would not wish this on my greatest enemy. I would fight hard for any friend or loved one of mine to leave this kind of relationship. And yet, here I am? Allowing myself to continue to endure this abuse thinking that I must suffer because of a bad choice in marrying him. God is a God of love. As much as marriage is important, His love and mercy is too. I believe that God would not want his child to endure such abuse. So many opinions of people have put me in a tug of war. At the end of the day, it’s what God puts on your heart. What would you want for your daughter? Change is coming and I will trust God.
    I appreciate these articles that address some of the real issues in marriage.

  69. My message is to all the hurting people dying here for some answers. I am still where all of you are and let me say something to Adam first off. Have you ever been punched in the mouth when you pregnant with your first child BC your husband was off of marijuana. Have you been where I am Adam? Twenty years of abuse a drug use from my husband. It is so easy to judge when your the one doing the drugs and not the one who is putting up with the one doing so. And we set there and we take it we let them put us in harm’s way. We are NOT ViCtims here ladies in gentlemen we are participates. We say here you can abuse me BC His said so or you can do drugs BC God said so. Where in the Bible does it say to do this. It says in the Bible to flea all forms and faces of evil. To run from fools and angry people not run to them. You want to talk about staying, I’ve stayed for twenty years, bay twenty long years if hell. My children are lonely, my so is sixteen and has suffered he can’t even read he wants to spend all his time on games to hide from the hell around gim. He has suffered the most. Apologizing for his dad cussing ne out in front of him, acting out in abusive ways to his sister’s, he is screwed up in the head. And do you know why BC for sixteen years of his life he has seen his dad cussing Mon out, punch her, and do basically whatever he wants to do to her, and I let him. Don’t tell me God did this, don’t you swallow the lies ladies that God wants you to suffer for this man, you may think it’s your cross to bear, but what about your children, do they have to bear your cross? What about your choices affecting them. You stayed and your children paid. what about the mental instability and fear you have instilled in them for your cross? This irrational irresponsible angry man forcing his decisions and rules down your throat while he expects you not to angry, to put a smile on your face and take his crap. If you question him you can be prepared for the humiliation and torture of a lifetime. If he’s on crack get ready to be tortured when he’s off BC really in the back of his mind he’s not really thinking about you, he’s thinking about crack. How your in the way of his crack, or his business, or him watching TV when you would like to be asleep. But you set there and take it, and it’s BC you think God would have it so? No Christ already suffered and died for our sins, we didn’t have to get crucified, BC he did it for us. The Bible says Christa yoke is light and cast your cares upon him. If he wanted you to do it he would have just let you die and go to hell. I think abusers in particularly are very good at misinterpreting their Bible when it fits their agendas. But we ViCtims of our own abuse are just as good about twisting what the Bible says to talk ourselves into blaming our abuse on our abuse, his his drug addiction. This is bs you want to know why you got slugged in the mouth, it’s BC you set there and let him slug you in the mouth, and didn’t leave. Don’t tell me about my hardened heart, I have softened my heart a million times in my marriage and forgiven my husband. Only to have him turn around d in smack me I. The face or throw food in my hair, or humiliate me for taking up for myself in the least little way. Who’s fault is it, it’s mind I let him torture me. I taught him by doing nothing that it’s OK to punch me BC God will forgive him. Jesus suffered and died for me so , my husband is allowed to hurt me anytime he feels like it. Do you ever wonder why your man has been on drugs for you as long as you can remember, it’s BC he has no consequences or responsibility for his actions whatsoever. God’s army also raised up in the Bible and killed the evil Philistines. David killed Goliath. Abigail’s husband in the Bible , God killed BC he was a fool and didn’t help David’s army. So God killed him and gave Abigail to David instead. Samson killed 3000 Philistines and God allowed him to do it for vengeance sake. Are we allowed g ourselves to keep company with foolish angry men hell bent on their own satanic destruction. Are we to be good little submissive wife’s and let them take us and our children with his foolishness? No sir, no sir, run like like hell, if your worried bout God’s wrath and hardened heart then just separate him till the day you die and never marry another one sister. BC your mind is on backwards if ever want to marry a son of Adam again after all the hell the one your married to put you through. Use your continued, no divorce, separated status, to keep all the men away. It’s a great excuse for the next abuser who comes your way, sorry not interested buddy, I’m already married to the likes of you and once I am out I promise you I will never try go back ever again. And there’s nothing wrong, my heart is not hardened, it is broken, brokered, and my new husband will be Jesus until my old husband kills himself with his crack addiction or I die first. My heart isn’t hardened it has been stabbed, kicked, bruised, ran through the med, is has so many scars on it, but it’s not hardened just ran through the gauntlet. How many times must we crucify Christ, I thought only once. But don’t set there and judge me bud. Like I said I let this happen to me, he did it, but I could have stopped it at anytime, and save my son, at least even if I didn’t want to save myself. Damn me for not saving my son. I’d rather go to hell for him any day over my husband, but damn me I was to much of a bloody coward. So I put up with it for twenty years. My Bible gave me way out, he even cheated one before, so many times I should have left and I stayed. I am truly to blame. I let this monster grab me by the hair of the head and cast me to where I am
    This crack, angry, perverse evil demonic possession who has been allowed to run free with hungry power and manipulation, lies, and sadistically and cruelly abusing me for twenty years, and I allowed it to happen. You say shame on him, I say shame on me for saying
    We are not to live in fear and the Bible says we can separate from our unbeliever so as to live in peace, and I didn’t take my Jsua up on the offer, so who’s fault is that. Who’s fault I didn’t take care if me or my beautiful children, mine, mine, don’t tell me I had to stay with a monster BC God or Jesus never once said I have to. Flea from evil, run from it, don’t enable it to continue. Go, suffer for doing what’s right, but not for doing what is wrong
    And all these twenty years I was suffering for wrong, niw I finally realiE that and understand it Adam, don’t tell me otherwise BC I know better now. No more lies, only the truth of God can set me free to where I can be free in deed. No more bandage. Oh God help me it was not my enemy who hurt, me if had been anyone else i could have suffered it, but no it was you my friend, my Conrad, we had sweet time together, but now I have been violated and humiliated by you. Oh Lord help me be my vengeance against my enemies, help me have peace surpassing all understanding. And suffer in silence no longer my rock and my shield my new husband my healer Jehovah.

  70. Thank You!! So much for putting a such needed perspective on Divorcing an Addict. I have prayed and studied the bible for months. I have 5 small children and my husband of 15 years has started abusing RX pills then Heroin. He has left me and the kids twice now leaving me to take care of the family by myself. I have struggled with guilt of what God would hold me accountable for if I filed for Divorce. After months of prayer I would agree Abandonment is grounds for Divorce! I have also realized that while I am faithful and spiritual always trying to keep a peacful Home for my family, it was always caotic and difficult when my husband was using in the Home! His drugs brought such Evil and uneasy feeling in the Home. I feel the Lord couldn’t be fully present in the Home when that stuff was around (Even though I wasn’t using or have a clue when he was using)I of coarse wouldn’t know when he was using but I always had that bad feeling when I leave and come home from work that something was terrable wrong. It may be a disease however Drugs I personally feel will corrupt those who use and those who are even around the person using! I have filed and since he has been out of the Home, I can definitely feel the peace and spirit in my Home.

  71. Thanks , I really needed to hear that God does not want me in a abusive relationship, my partner for 20 years did not wanted to marry me and chose the drugs, saying he would never stop, he also blame me for his addiction, and use God saying he wants us together. I stayed for the children, thinking that he didn’t hit me physically , but the reality, he was absent, he had abandoned us long ago, and now one of my children is using drugs, and all he did was blaming me and judge our daughter. I left him two months ago, to save my children from that example, maybe too late, but he sneaked his way in the new house again, complaining of been homeless and that I had to help him. Now I feel stronger , completely sure of my decision, I do not having intimacy, which he has tried, but feel pretty hopeless that he would ever leave my house . Please pray for me and my family, thanks

  72. Thank you for your words. I have been separated from my husband for 6 weeks. He has been doing drugs for 22 years. I did not know; but my family has endured the temper fits, abandonment, lack of responsibility and violent mood swings this entire
    time. My daughter found the drug stash and this has turned everything upside down. I desire to serve God with my entire being, along with my children. That is my life goal. I want only to make godly decisions in this situation. It is just so difficult. Thank you again.


  74. At this point I honestly don’t know what to think , all I can do is jus stay PRAYFUL , wow I love my husband so much and I strongly believe in til death do us part, but by my husband useing drugs ( all kinds ) I’m so hurt this is not the first time if this with our marriage and somehow I always seem to forgive him and try to make it work, it has been almost one week since I”ve seen my husband and it is really tearing me up , I continue to pray but I jus still feel hurt , I can’t understand how could he stay gone away from me this long not even being in jail, oh Heavenly Father , I NEED deliverance I need to get better, I need to learn how to love myself more, I know at some point while he’s out there he has to ( even if it’s for a min ) know that I’m hurting , why won’t he come to see about me? I’m hurting so bad PLEASE pray for me

  75. 3 things. 1. Thank you for showing God’s word regarding this. 2. I was married to an addict for 4 years. We went to church together but spent more than half the time seperated due to either rehab or jail/prison. 3. I did not believe in divorced and stayed over hoping for the best but realized how insecure I had become, emotionally ill due to constant stress and my pastor one day spoke of covenants and how even God has Israel a certificate of divorce due to their continued disobedience Jeremiah 3:8 I could not believe it I began to research it only to come across this book called “Divorce: God’s Will?” By Stephen Gola.

    Reading this along with God’s word/biblical truth opened my eyes! I began to cry and the words penetrated my spirit. I realized that this was not God’s will for my life. I spoke to my husband and for years gave him opportunity to turn around but he got worse each time he was constantly unfaithful though I won’t never know until later because he always came home and treated me the same he had his sweet moment but would run questionable “errands” I loved him very much and still pray that he changes and chooses sobriety by realized he was God’s and not mine. I could not save him or help him if he didn’t want to turn from his ways. It was so sad and broke my heart to have to give him to God and walk away.

  76. Great advice. Sometimes moving on is simply necessary. I’m currently going through separating from a pornography addict and it has been so difficult. To me, it is adultery. It’s become incredibly clear that I’m not enough for him and without his porn he is miserable. I can’t take it and I need out. I’ve been trying to file for uncontested divorce – but I’m just not sure if he will cooperate when it comes time to negotiate the details. Here’s to hope! Say a prayer for me please. Alice

  77. I believe your conclusion is based on your conscious trying to settle a debt it can not pay. While you appropriately did not separate drug abuse from physical abuse, this was no accident. I can tell by your experience and book smarts you seem to understand, you clearly do not. As a matter of fact, you don’t get it at all and I certainly hope you don’t spread this rubbish. Drug abuse is an addiction. Other addictions that are as damaging and cause financial and relationship failures just as effectively are; shopping, sex, vacationing away from spouse, television, food etc. If I am to believe your conclusion, then a woman who was 135lbs when we were married 6 years ago, weighs 340lbs now and eats all day, can’t play with the kids or work or clean house is now divorce approved. Your crazy. Or a husband who can’t seem to beat a sex addition, and masturbates all the time, he’s gone also, divorced. And what about a wife who takes the kids on vacation 3 or four times a year, against her husband wishes. Sometimes vacationing for 3 months at a time ! When the husband expresses dissatisfaction, she gets wicked and tells him he is emotionally unstable. Divorce, that will fix it. Your conclusion is not biblically based, and is wrong in every sense. Next time you encourage people, maybe it should be to encourage them to resist divorce. My wife divorced me because of your lacks view on what’s acceptable reasons to divorce. This article gave her enough sense of the feeling of; This guy says it’s ok to divorce for other reasons, says GOD. I am still in love with this woman as much as the day we were married about 24 years ago. She was the one God told me I was to spend my life with. Then God changed his mind. The very first big trial we faced and without ever even mentioning divorce, I was served papers. Because she received counsel from several people, all from Church, that Divorce is not so bad and their are many new interpretations that God may have suggested he was more acceptable of divorce, if we all just put a slight twist on his word. A bunch of parasitic Christians trying to line their pockets by lightning to the mainstream. The Church and its leadership are Lost.

  78. I really thank you for posting this. Currently I am separated from my husband and we have a daughter together. We separated due to his drug abuse and domestic violence issues. Things were looking up for at least a year and then he feel back into his same old habits. I am still waiting and praying for a turn around. I do think there comes a time when I need to pray to the Lord to let me know if I need to get a divorce if the cycle keeps continuing. It is almost impossible to arrange visits because of the issues that come along with drug abuse and I do not think God is happy when the husband mistreats their wife to the point that they do not safe that is just not what he wants. Of course I believe mariage is for life but when the person is subjected to abuse and cannot even serve the Lord because their life is chaos then I don’t see how the marriage can last.

  79. I have a question I am saved and baptized as adult. However, was a previous drug addict. About 3 years ago stopped all of them but am taking 46 milligrams of methadone daily. On bipolar meds, medical meds and smoke cig.. I repent my sins,read my Bible, go to church love Jesus soooo very much. I feel I won’t go to heaven. I want to see the lord so bad I love him so much. I just cry thinking how he suffered will I get forgotten for this a and go to he’ll….. plz no tell me what u think

  80. I have been in a relationship in which my husband has been using drugs for the pas 12 years. I have been married to him 17 years. He promises to change but doesn’t . We have lost everything to this addiction. I have built a small cupcake store in order to make sure my children don’t suffer economically. But have not been able to take it to the next level, to fully provide for them. It is awkward to be in the same room with him. And we are constantly arguing. At the beginning I thought it was my fault but then I figured out it wasn’t . I have tried to help him get out but he doesn’t .
    I would like to divorce him but I am afraid he will not let me have peace. My 15 year old daughter started using it and I am so done with him. A few days ago my son kicked him in anger (so I was told) and I found him grabbing my sons shirt. I am dumbfounded.

    I am dying to move out but rent is so high that I don’t know what to do.
    I have survived with my buss. But have never been able to save to move out. My business is almost at the five year point and business is know steady but not great enough to keep up with everything.
    I have found help for my daughter and believe she is know stronger. We pray every morning and I keep God in their lives each day.
    But I really need to leave. How can I do this

  81. I have been married for ten years now. I didnt find out that my husband was an alcoholic until after we were married for awhile. I prayed about it for years and was able to get him to go to a 30 day rehab facility. He refused to go to AA though. Four months after getting out of rehab for alcohol he started using a variety of synthetic drugs. Again, I prayed for almost 2 years and he slowly stopped. Now its perscrition drugs he abuses and will still occasionally drink. I am worse off now than I was ten years ago. He is vry.controlling, verbally and.mentally abusive. He talks to me with such disrespect as thoigh I am no more than dirt. Though he talks to everyon else nice but not me. Again, I continue to pray about it and hand it over to the Lord. I keep hoping and.praying he will quit but I dont believe he ever will. He will always have an addiction of something, thats his personality. I keep hanging in but I dont know anymore.

  82. I am speaking not as a spouse, but as an adult child of an alcoholic parent. I often hear how one parent doesn’t want to leave the alcoholic because they have children and they don’t want to put their kids through a divorce. The kids are already aware that their family is in big trouble. They are already victims in the situation. The only difference is that they can do nothing about it. I don’t care if the alcoholic is functional or not. Functional only means that they have built up enough tolerance that they don’t fall down drunk like the average person would do if they had the same amount. That’s not something to be grateful for.

    I would have been much happier in a home where we were dirt poor and peaceful than the mess I grew up in. I’m a Christian too so I don’t take God’s word lightly. I have heard the phrase “God hates divorce” to support the notion that no matter how abusive, drug and alcohol laden, or just plain detrimental someone is, the spouse should put on a happy face and and win them with their cheerful response in every situation. Can I just say this doesn’t every work. Most often, the alcoholic will believe, because of their alcoholic cloudy minds, that this only helps them justify their own behavior. Yes, God hates divorce, as well as alcohol abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, and a lot of other things. I see lists of things that are detestable to the Lord. I’m pretty sure God hates child endangerment as well. Staying with alcoholics is a form of child endangerment and I guarantee that the children are being changed because of the choices of the adults involved.

  83. I’m so lost and have been for a very long time.. My husband and I have been together for 16 years.. For years I’ve been dealing with this. We have three children, two teenagers and one adolescent… They love him, but my oldest has lost all respect for him. He apparently is very good at hiding it, because for a few years I didn’t even know… And when I did, I wanted to believe he would stop. I wanted my kids to have both parents and still do… But over the years everything has gotten so much worse! After 16 years together, and all this time there was, and still is, lying, theiving.. From the kids and I as well as others.. Disappearing, anger outbursts, exct, we still haven’t managed to own a home or car, or anything else that hasn’t been taken. I’ve had to call some of his bosses, to verify the amount he was (is) being paid, calculate down to the dollar the money spent, I honestly don’t trust anything at all he says or does, I keep finding porn stuff in the history on his (and others that he uses) electronics.. Its just been a nightmare! I went to the counselor at the church my kids and I go to, and was told that God wants me to try to save my marriage at all costs. I have continued trying, and have lost friends over this… Buts what’s worse is the conflicted feelings of my kids. My oldest sees all we have been through as my fault because I won’t leave his dad, and my middle child goes back and forth with it, but when dad threatens to leave, she freaks out and begs him to stay, and my youngest wants mom and dad to stay together… He has used my kids emotional outbursts to his advantage many times… He says he is sorry and will get help and go to counseling with us, whatever it takes to keep his family, every single time..
    But never does. Out patient care didn’t help him, and he uses the fact that he financially supports the family as his reason to avoid in patient treatment. I have been put on meds for severe depression and anxiety… But I’m still depressed and anxious all the time, and when he is around, its worse. His anger outbursts usually land on our oldest, and he says its because our kid is being mouthy and disrespectful… But he never cuts any slack and jumps at the smallest of triggers where this child is concerned… I love my husband, but I’m not sure if I’m in love any longer… And I’m afraid of the outcome either way… I pray he will get it together, but I guess the kids and I can’t compare to the drug…

  84. If you have not lived with an addict, been emotionally destroyed by an addict, being falsely accused by an addict, gone through the whole process of years being verbally abused to justify their addiction, and then all the time praying and carrieng the consequences of their actions. Trying and trying to stand with them rehab after rehab, carrying the family load as a single mother with the added stress of a person that just is not changing their ways. Does not care that there is no more finances and the effect things have on your kids. Im ultimately responsible for keeping my children safe. Your children are always in danger of abuse, the mental abuse on me and my children is horrendous. God knows the plans He has for me, and no human being on earth deserves the torture of living with an addict. This is now 11 years. And had i come to this realisation sooner, i would not be this sick and litterally tired. We have tried everything, he knows the Lord, he has been to ChristiAn rehabs. God does not want this for me and my kids, adultery would be better than living this nightmare.

  85. My husband of almost 27 years smoked pot when I met him. He knew from day one that I detested it and did not want any part of it. He claimed to quit. Time after time I busted him with it. I know ALL the hiding places. Every time he said he would quit. He also has smoked cigarettes heavily since day one. Fast forward to 2 kids later, my Triple Negative Breast Cancer diagnosis, treatments and surgeries…he is still smoking BOTH. I discovered pot in his favorite hiding place in his truck tonight and am absolutely LIVID beyond belief. Both our boys are now in Seminary to further God’s calling on their lives. My husband also teaches Sunday School and is a deacon at our church! I am really in a tough position. My decision to remedy this issue may be detrimental to my boys’ ministries. Help.

  86. Mike, your right. We’re supposed to be saved from our sins, not in our sins. A person addicted to drugs and or alcohol cannot reason well under the influence, nor can they speak with Christ while intoxicated or drugged. Going to church, these people are flaunting their sins. It’s no different than adultery. For forgiveness the person has to be willing to change, to give their life over to Christ for his cleansing. The fact that they go to church muddies the issues quite a bit. I don’t believe that a person benefits by staying in a household with addicted people or drunkenness. Those with children should be seriously thinking about protecting their children. By staying with this troubled people they are enabled to continue in their lunacy. They never have to change, because there is no reason to.

  87. My christian husband has been going on binges for a year now it seems he goes on one every 3 months. He uses cocaine when he drinks. I always take him back because of the guilt, I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I lost all my self respect. I keep saying if it happens again than that’s it but I never stick to my guns. I need the Lord to give me guidence and strength. We have 3 kids and alot of debt.

  88. I just do not see how a Christian can be a drug addict or an alcoholic? Did not Christ free us from that slavery? It is my belief that anyone who professes Christ and is an addict, does not really believe and is a liar. Scared people promise anything it takes to not be exposed.

  89. “Need Advice,” we all say we want to be a certain way and promise to change. When we don’t it’s because we really don’t want to. You were lied to. Your husband never wanted to change. He wants you and wants to stay as he is. That is why he says what you want to hear. The bible says we can leave the unbeliever but also says that our marriage is legitimate. My question is, is he a Christian man by acting as he dose and just just giving lip service? When the addict hears you want to leave, they panic and the promises start and there is a beginning of an attempt to change. Once the threat is gone, they forget everything they promised and start back up. That is called a liar. The time is to ask if your husband is a believer. Talk is cheap. If he really isn’t, hr can leave. 1 Corinthians 7.

  90. Thank you for your comments. I felt like I married the love of my life. We are still married and have two kids. I have been Christian all my life and my husband told me he was saved. After we got married I saw that he was a smoker, then a drinker, and the started taking pills. He goes on two day drug and alcohol binges where he is gone for days and it has affected my work. He will be sober for weeks but the it happens again. My children see their father and I argue because of the drinking and now the kids cry if I cry. When my husband is sober he trys to follow God and study the word and often times he fasts for days and praises God, but then a few weeks or months later he relapses. It’s like I’m married to two different people. I think I should leave him because he has cause me so much pain. Please pray for me. When is it okay to say enough is enough.. He is in denial and will get no help.

  91. I have been struggling with a lot lately with this topic and this post is exactly what I needed to read. Can you explain the drug abuse a little more to me? What is drug abuse and is it wrong to divorce over drug abuse?

  92. I’m very thankful for this article and the stories of the readers shared. Sounds so familiar. My story is that my husband and I have been married for over 11 years. We have two children- a girl 10 years old and a boy 5 years old. I guess I would say I was unaware of my husband’s addiction before we were married. I say “I guess” because there was one situation where I came home early and found him asleep on the couch, the house smelling like weed, and the weed on a desk. (Before this I didn’t even know what it smelled like). He made excuses and I believed it wasn’t a normal thing. In my mind I believed him because isn’t weed just a “dumb drug” that high school kids do and once your out you grow up and leave those dumb things behind?! (My logic) Anyway after 2 years of dating, we married and I swear right after we married the man I fell in love with completely changed! He didn’t treat me the same, was very jealous, and the drug addiction became more evident. We became pregnant with our daughter right away and 5 years ago we had our son. I think for me that’s when the situation became more real to me. After our marriage is when I found out about his dad’s addiction to weed and alcohol since Vietnam and basically that’s why my husband thinks it’s okay. That’s what he grew up with. Having that male child (not that my daughter’s immune) I knew I didn’t want this to be my kids “normal”. Long, loud arguments are regular in our home. The kids don’t know that the underlying issue is the drug use. Like some others said Dad is just dad and really no one would think this handsome, incredibly charming guy was an addict who’s emotionally and mentally abusive to his wife. He’s also gone for over 4 years not providing for our family and telling me I’m the reason why – why should he take care of me? And of course what I’ve heard our entire “why should i give it up for you”? I struggle with the idea of divorce because I don’t want to hurt my children and most importantly I don’t want to hurt God. I always think – like now reading this article- am I just convincing myself to do what I want and just convincing myself that it’s what God wants me to do. I don’t want to hurt my children anyway. They adore him (but sadly they don’t trust him either and some of the things my son thinks are what the “man of the house” does is just heartbreaking and sad). Since they don’t even realize it’s an issue, how do you explain why mom is divorcing dad?? Do I tell them? When we separated once my daughter literally got sick with like acid reflux and indegestion. When we got back together she was fine. I struggle with if I should “hurt them” now to protect their future. I wonder if my worry about their future is not trusting God. God has moved in my life so many times but this is the only situation I’m not seeing that move of God. Is it my fault? I wasn’t following God as I should have been when I met my husband. Do I just have to deal with the consequences of that for the rest of my life? Obviously I’m so back and forth with how to handle this.


  94. My husband abandoned us with no word, I have tried futilly to reconcil but when I think things are looking up, he shows up all messed up on drugs and starts the mental abuse all over again. We agreed to try but he’s not willing to come home, he continues on the same path. Just last night I spoke with him and said I thought we were going to try. His remark was I am trying, I said how are you trying, he said I’m trying not to cheat on you. This morning he says he doesn’t remember. I cred all night and prayed all night. I have forgiven him repeatedly. He chooses not to help support our family and children, so I haven’t asked. Please give me insight into what is going on and if we can fix this. He chooses his friends constantly over us and will not accept responsibility for any of this. This is not the loving man I married. What can I do? I love him and don’t want a divorce. He says he doesn’t either, but he keeps me hanging on hoping.

  95. I’m unsure if I should leave. If I do, I would hope it’s temporary. I live with an addicted husband. He takes prescription pain medication, he says for his back. He suffered a permanent back injury a few months ago. Before which he had overcome an addiction to heroin. I thought it was all over, but his injury made his addiction all to real again. He has even begun lying to me about his spending habits and his whereabouts. He places blame on others. He has cleaned me out financially to help support his habit, and as the role of the head of the house, I felt he made it as if I didn’t have a choice. I am a full time mom of three wonderful precious babies, and he works from 7:30am to 10pm. He doesn’t ever see his children awake. He works 5-6 days a week. I don’t know whether or not to leave, but this is a struggle I face daily, as he has chosen this as his way of dealing with his pain. How can I better pray for him? This is not the same man I married, even though he says he is the same. How do I leave? I receive $675 a month for my SSDI check, I have disabilities which keep me from working, at least at any job that I am capable of doing. He takes the rest after rent is paid and says it’s “our money” – if I left I would have no place to go, with 3 children. Battered women’s shelters might do me in, with my disabilities… He had a period of abuse accompanying his heroin addiction, but none so far during this one.. This is a prescription pain medication addiction, and although it takes most of our resources, it hasn’t had the physical abuse.. Some would say it’s a verbal/mental/emotional abusive relationship at this level, but it hasn’t gone past that, yet………. I feel 100% alone… I can’t imagine how to go on, and I don’t want to leave him… At this point I feel it’s important to leave before permanent damage has been done to our children… I just feel lost and alone and that God has stopped hearing my cry… I need an answer, something concrete to focus on, something to do… I need a plan, and although this is the most difficult thing I have ever been through, I need my husband… For who he used to be, for who I know he still is.. somewhere..

  96. Im unsure what to do with my marriage of six months stay with a husband who smokes and sell marijuana or separate from him.



  99. I just wanted to put a thought out for consideration: What is the real difference between someone who has abandoned a spouse physically and a person who has abandoned their spouse by abandoning the covenant through abuse, giving themselves over to their addictions/sins and refusing to repent or change or go to counseling? In these later cases the abuser may be simply living with the innocent spouse for his/her personal financial or other convenience or may even enjoy tormenting or making the innocent spouse miserable.

  100. Mike, yes that’s exactly how I feel. Weve been separated for 3 months now, and I know I can make it without him, but I don’t want to. I NEED him to be the man he said he was! The man that God says he is, the man he promised me he would be. I don’t know where to turn except to trust God that He will deliver him from the mess he is in and turn his life around FOR GOOD.
    I am thankful for my parents because I don’t know what I would do without them.

  101. I regret the day I ever met my wife. That is how I feel right now. I wish God would take me back to the day I could have ended my relationship with her so that I would not marry her. I hate life most of the time since getting married. My ice feels like some self-inflcicyed injury. I never could have thought it was so bad, this addiction condition. It isn’t just that, it comes with tons of mental damage. Addicts aren’t just addicts to the drinking, they are mentally damaged.

  102. Need Advice, I am almost in tears for you. I feel your pain. You feel tricked and trapped because God hates divorce, don’t you? You feel the promise you made before God is now a ball and chain of misery to you, don’t you? I do too. I am struggling with regretting my marriage. I feel I was tricked into the marriage by my wife for hiding things she knew I would not expect. The reality is, we both saw the signs to stay away from anyone in addiction. Any relationship with any addict is a 100% horror story. You feel hurt because you en tint this with an honest heart and he tricked you and now the covenant you made is nothing but a fraud of a contract. Like Jacob and Essau. That God holds us to fraudulent contracts. I feel that too.
    It feels as if is too late doesn’t it? I feel that too. I feel bad for feeling like that and I am sure you do to.

  103. My husband and I have been together almost 2 years, married a year and 3 months.
    I never had a issues with drinking and never tries drugs. When we met he was in a Christian men’s rehab facility that I went with my church to minister to. At first I didn’t want anything to do with him, but then God opened my heart and told me that He was my husband after we talked etc… He knew that the drinking and drugs were not going to be a part of my life and wouldn’t accept that from him either. When he finished the program he moved in my parents guest house. When we got married things were ok. He would occasionally have a beer, then I caught him smoking pot a few times. Well, I told him that I wasn’t okay with it but he still did it behind my back even though I knew he was doing it. We moved into our own home almost a year ago and he got a new job… ever since this job things have been so horrible. He started not coming home right away after work. Then I would find him drinking/smoking pot at his friends house from work. Well, then he started bringing the friends to our home to drink and smoke pot. He wouldn’t even come inside, just sit outside with them doing there thing and I had supper ready on the table for him, clothes ready for him to shower, house clean- etc. Well, have a conversation was like pulling teeth, not to mention the love that he once shown me, kisses hugs, date nights, holding my hand, snuggling, watching tv together, going to church, and our love life became non existent. hed finally come in but barely say anything to me…. after hours of him not coming in of course I would be upset, and after awhile very hurt from how our life changed so quickly. We would argue because I just wanted his time at first, then it got to the point where he became verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. One night I waited for him to come home, 5 hours after he was supposed to be there I went and found him at the friends house drinking/high. Well, I told hi to come home with me- well, he didn’t want to then when I didn’t leave, he got in the car- well when we got home he wanted to take my car somewhere and I told him no because of his condition, so he left walking. Well I left and seen him at the store buying beer, I tried talking to him but he was having no part of it- he walked off. Well I went home and around 11 he still wasn’t back, so I decided to go to my parents, well I seen him walking down the road with a woman who is a known “hoochie” and drug user, I was so upset- I pulled up and he was so shocked, anyway- come to find out, he done meth with her and other people at the drug house they were by. Well, he came to my moms and we were there a few hours, I decided to go home and take him so I knew he was ok, well all night I was scared and didn’t go to sleep- well he was up all night acting weird, etc. I just kept praying for him etc. Well, the next day he became very violent, yelling and throwing things, etc. well I left and he left walking. I told him that I was going to my moms and when he was ready to talk he knew where I was. I was at my moms a week that time. The final straw was the last time, he went back to the same old stuff, but this time it was worse than ever, I caught him huffing my hairspray, he would smoke pot in front of me, drank until he passed out on the couch etc. I had gotten him up for work and he started yelling etc. at me over letting the dog out. and next thing I knew, he grabbed me pushed me down, when I got back up he grabbed me by my throat then I got away and turned around and he slapped me in the face. At that moment I Knew I was done. He told me to leave etc. and I did. I packed my clothes and a few necessities and I left. Ive been gone 3 months and still hes not changing. I have gotten him a few times and he stayed the weekened/holidays with me at my parents but he says hes not going to quit until I come home, but I don’t feel safe to come home until he stops. If I go there to visit him (maybe everyother week) the house id filthy, beer cans all over, smells like pot etc. dirty dishes everywhere. I just don’t know what to do—
    When we first “dated” he called me every chance he got, he wrote me letters etc. Now Im lucky if he calls once or twice a week. The longest time since I been gone was 19 days, he never called or anything. Not to mention that I have literally been struggling to take care of bills/myself/dog because he says if im not there im not his responsibility. (Ive never asked him he told me that) I know that he hasn’t been paying the bills at our house ( gambles/drinks/drugs the paycheck away….(he still works)and I know that he will be kicked out/have no power or water etc. and I will loose everything that is there, furniture, washer/dryer. etc/ other personal items Ive had for years.
    Ive asked him to go back to the treatment facility but he don’t feel he needs help or is an addict.

    My question is how long do I wait? Will I ever be able to trust him again?
    Does he even love me anymore? What have I done wrong for him to choose his friends/beer/drugs over me and our commitment to one another and to God?
    Any advice would be grateful.

  104. Dee, how have you abandoned him? He is the one pushing everything away. There needs to be some heavy discussion on abusive spouses with relation to the bible.

  105. I feel for you all. My view change recently. I contemplate leaving my wife as from day one, there was no truth in our marriage. I feel like when Jacob deceived Isaac pretending he was Essau. After the fact, it is too late. After the marriage, it was too late. I have a wife who’s habits are crazy. Contact with men that are excused all the time. “Oh, just a work friend.” One day I caught her planning a trip too Vegas with her girlfriend and two men from AA. Yes, Alcoholics Anonymous. That was the secret thing I didn’t know about because we never lived together, so it was hidden from me. Now my wife is suffering with mental illness. Had I know the true facts, I never would have married her. There were signs all over the place, but Christians don’t judge, right? If I see dates with men, I am leaving to divorce and will not marry again. Jesus did all the suffering for me, so why do I need to suffer any more? Picking up my cross is not to suffer in a marriage where it is not treasured and treated like it is. I think Christians love to crucify themselves onto their own cross. Carrying a cross and crucifying yourself to one are different things. Those are my thoughts from a very damaged heart.

  106. I am so confused.. Battling myself.. I’m trying to figure out if my relationship is a test of my faith or an answer to the question ..”should I stay or should I go?” I have been with this man for 3 years, and I love him so. He is great with the children, loves deeply, you can feel it through his touch and hear it in his words. He makes us laugh and feel warm inside.. (When he is sober!) Every 4-5-6 days or so he finds himself getting high off PCP.. And he ends up in the hospital, or just acting a fool home or wherever he ends up! He has never been abusive while under the influence.. But he becomes increasingly odd and questionable. Keeping him calm and collective while he is under the influence becomes key or he disappears and then I’m stuck worrying if he is ok or not.. Waiting on him to sober up and return home. Then comes the “I hate this drug”.. “Its a struggle!” “I am trying!” “I don’t want to lose my family..I rather die!” Etc..etc.. I am personally FED UP WITH IT! 3 years.. 2 rehabs and a 6 month jail stint later and I’m STILL dealing with it.. Even though it’s occasionally.. Its still TOO MUCH! not to mention his drug of choice is a very dangerous drug! I want to just leave..and be done with it.. But then I say to myself.. Doesn’t the Lord want me to stand by people in need? Doesn’t HE want me to help him through it? To be his voice of the word even when he isn’t hearing it @ the moment.. Is this a test of my faith? Should I pray harder for my relationship? Or is it an answer.. Leia.. He cannot control his issue .. Let go and let God! Idk what to do.. And I’m conflicted in myself.. My next step.. And it’s driving me a little bit of crazy!! is there something else I should be saying in prayer to get my confirmation as did Gideon?! Idk .. Just confused

  107. Hello my name is Mrs. Johnnie
    I am married to a man that uses drugs. We have been together for 11 yrs. When we got together I did not know that he was a drug user. Right now I am living with my son because we have no home. I am disabled but I have to do odd jobs to keep money in my pockets to eat and get through the day. Many times I have thought about divorcing my husband but I have not because of the part in the bible that says till death does us part. I love my husband very much and I have been trying to be here for him but it is slowly consuming me and stressing me. I have watched him waiste thousands of dollars and right now at this moment is still waisting money on drugs. He has an inheritance that he is spending that is slowly fading away. He says that I don’t have any right to any of the money because it is money that his aunt left jim and his brothers when she passed. But I continue to struggle day after day to keep money in my pockets. I need some advice because right now I feel like there is no reason to go on.
    My response on this matter is the bible says till death do us part and how can we stray away from what is in the bible. To me that says whatever u are going through give it to god and he will take care of it. We go through trials that the Lord put in our path and we have to stay prayed up because we all was born in sin and noone is perfect. We have to forgive those who do wrong. I don’t know any other way.

  108. Well Steve, so you left of where I started, 1984, well after several relapses umpteen overdoses numerous rehabs, my life is still in the Karzie, and all your posts spout about GOD..JESUS…
    Do you not publish posts by people of other religious persuasions???
    Got to go, as Morpheous is calling. Al

  109. I would divorce him, if he is as you state. I divorced and remarried. In all honesty, I should have stayed single. I struggled immensely with divorce and remarriage. So called experts giving advice about what God’s Word wants, but the issue is, there was no english back then. Everything is a translation. Pray and seek God’s guidance in your life. Many will say that Moses gave permission with a certificate then others will say no, how Jews only could divorce during the betrothed period (engagement), as per Jewish custom, yet Jewish custom let divorce as per Moses.
    So many opinions and so many Scriptures to “prove” they’re all right.
    Not to justify things, but Jesus forgives all sin, only the blasphemy of the Holy Sprit is unforgivable.
    Speak with your pastor and this you test who know the bible. You don’t think God knows your heart?
    It is a tough decision.
    Just a note to all those who suffer. Jesus was put on the cross for us. He suffered for our sins. So many of us feel the need to put ourselves on the cross… All of you women who describe the cruelty and brutality of your husbands. Are these men Christian?
    What Christian man abuses his wife? Cheat son his wife? No way.
    “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.”
    This is where I take comfort, in the little I have.

  110. Hi my name is sally. I was born into a Christian family although appearences were important cuz my mother was abused physically and emotionally by my father she stayed in the marriage 20 years. Untill one day he decided to divorce her. Yes remarried now and so is she. Well u could imagine the hurt and pain we went thru as children of an abusive marriage and now I’m also in an abusive marriage. My husband is physically and emotionally abusive to me not only that he is a drug addict too. I couldn’t take the abuse anymore and I left and although I love my husband I don’t think that I should be with him unless he lets God change him and even if he does change and accept God again I don’t know if he would change his controlling ways u see he is also extremely jealous. Do you think I should divorce him. And is it ok with God

  111. Hi my name is sally. I was born into a Christian family although appearences were important cuz my mother was abused physically and emotionally by my father she stayed in the marriage 20 years. Untill one day he decided to divorce her. Yes remarried now and so is she. Well u could imagine the hurt and pain we went thru as children of an abusive marriage and now I’m also in an abusive marriage. My husband is physically and emotionally abusive to me not only that he is a drug addict too. I couldn’t take the abuse anymore and I left and although I love my husband I don’t think that I should be with him unless he lets God change him and even if he does change and accept God again I don’t know if he would change his controlling ways u see he is also extremely jealous. Do you think I should divorce him. And is it ok with God

  112. I would really love to speak with your wife. I am in this situation with a heroin addict and have been seeking for God’s wisdom on my decision. I want to be right before God more than comfortable.

  113. I have supported and put up with alot. I have been lied to stolen from and been used. The lastest is I found out that during a 4 month unemployment time he had lied and said he didn’t recieve any unemployment money. i opened a auddit showing he had recieved bennifits for 4 months at 245.00 week. We have 2 children and have struggled. He also recieved 2 months of these benefits while employeed that is the only way I have found this out. Who does this? We r seperated because he drove our 12 year old across town and passed out in a resturant. Tell me I am not right to divorce a man like this.

  114. My husband and I married in May 2013. Honestly, I knew he did drugs but then again so did I. I was a functional cocaine addict for about 20 years (raised a wonderful child as a single mom, help a management position for a large company making over $100,000/year and hanging around other functional addicts. When I met “Hank”, there were red flags. I just finished radiation treatment for 2 different cancers and felt like I was finally ready to change my life around. “Hank” must have been sent to me from God, I thought. I didn’t want to be alone any more. I didn’t change my life around and I felt in my heart it was wrong. But, I married “Hank”, I sniffed cocaine and I watched him smoke crack. I figured if I can function, so can he. I invested a lot of $$ in getting him his own company, etc. I could no longer work so we were getting him set up to take on the financial responsibility he agreed to do. That didn’t happen. He lost the business, even sold cars I purchased and all the money was gone! I started seeing my ways had to change and backed away from the people I associated with and stuck by my husband. I started do drugs less and less and was saved eventually. I continued to stay with my husband, encourage him to get help. The same routine occurred for 2 years. He has an epiphany, decides he is in love with me, wants the marriage to work and will get a job. He avoids rehab or getting help with the root causes of his addiction (his alcoholic mother who smokes crack with him). He eventually left and stayed with his mother. I hung in there and talked to him, brought them food, etc. I was so happy when he checked in rehab in Dec 2014. He then checked himself out 20 days later. He didn’t ask to come home. We both agreed he needed to get more help. He moved in with his cousin. She was a recovered addict so she “sponsored” him. For about a month, he was dedicated then back to the routine of disappearing, pawning the wedding ring, not returning my calls for days and days. Then he committed again to staying clean, started the new and I told him to just come home. It was March 2015 now. He left to go get this things. He never returned. He was now back at his mother’s. We talked and the same things happened over and over. I was finally in recovery and saved. I tried and tried to help. I went 6 months without a phone call from him. I finally reached out to him last week. He claimed he was clean for 30+ days. I suggested professional rehab but he said I was just trying to control him. He said he loved me and had another epiphany and wanted to work on a solution. I agreed to meet with him the following Saturday. We talked non stop from Saturday to Wednesday. Then the calls stopped, he is not answering calls. I can only assume once again he is getting high. My better judgement is telling me to continue with divorce. He wont get help. He’s been smoking mega amounts of crack for years. I am seeing a therapist to deal with anxiety and this grief. I feel like I was just coming to terms with life without Hank until Saturday. Then the pain and anxiety all came back as we spoke. I didn’t say anything. I listened and was supportive of a solution. But he’s nowhere to be found. I cant take this anymore. I know deep inside I must move on and be at peace with myself and my 20 year old daughter. I feel bad like I’m abandoning him but how can I feel that way when he was the one to walk away and stay away. I’m confused but get ill thinking about going through anymore of this. Please….any advice is appreciated.

  115. I am confuse husband sells drugs and i am a Christian and the pastor says he will provide help for us. And he advise me to go bck to him.

  116. What if your husband has an addiction to heroin and out of our 10 years of marriage has only lived in our home for 2 years if that.. We have 3 children and he is in jail even now!! I dont know how much longer i can live like this , i feel like I’ve been a single parent our entire marriage..He said he has been clean for 2 years and wants to come home.. We just ca n t deal with anymore disappointments.

  117. I can’t even begin to thank you today for helping me shed some guilt over walking out of a marriage that was nothing but abandonment and physical and emotional cruelty. He threatened my life and he is on his 2nd restraining order for battery. I moved out of the state, 1200 miles away, to ensure my safety and am just waiting on the court system. I pray nightly it will go smoothly. I am still terriffied of him.

  118. Thank you for all of these responses. It has helped me realize I am not alone in my situation. I have a husband who is a high-functioning alcoholic. He drinks every night, and the amount he is able to drink has increased over time. We have two little girls, and I am afraid to have him pick them up when I have to work late. I continually worry that if something happens while I’m away and he is too drunk to do anything, I will never forgive myself. We had an intervention with a Christian counselor, work colleagues, and his mom about 7 months ago. He agreed to stop drinking and go to counseling. He went to 2 sessions and stopped drinking for 2 months. He now is drinking as much as he was before and despite my pleas for him to stop, the drinking has continued. I am so angry at him that I feel my heart hardening towards him. I would rather spend time by myself and count down the days until he leaves to go on his next hunting, fishing, or NFL road trip. I hate myself for being what I feel most people see as a pushover and for not setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. I do believe it is time for me to set a boundary and stick to it. I’m not sure what that looks like, but I truly admire everyone who has posted and the courage and faith it takes to make these decisions.

  119. After being a a woman happy then got married, my life changed, i had to give in to make husband happy , has his 3 children, he stays out all night after me ill at home after 1st childbirth, abused, punched ( i went out fir sisters birthday) home at 12 , he knocked me out, abused me, also him constanly ignoring me got to have his porn obsession, now i chamged to please him and thats still not enough!!
    So i turned to drugs shame on me for having that addiction anything to kill my pain and u say its ok for divorce for dtug addict !!!
    hey just think how we got here!!!
    My loving husband dident care after all the pain!!
    Is that fair!!!!!!!!!!

  120. I left my husband back in April, when he turned off my family’s water and threatened to turn off our electricity. He did this because he knew I was wanting to leave. He is an addict, and we were married for 14 years and have one child together and one from my previous marriage. He was a good provider and hard worker but I was never enough. I always felt like I had all these expectations to live up to and the man claimed to be a Christian but didn’t really live like one. It wasn’t until years later of being put down all the time I recognized emotional mental abuse. He would have drug binges every now and then but got increasingly worse and I was always to blame for his drug abuse. He would spend all our money and do drugs in a hotel room. I would never know when this would take place. Our family life was chaotic. Since I’ve left I’ve had such a peace. I hate what this has done to our family. I love him and wish he would hit bottom and really get help. I hate it for our daughters sake, but I can see how things are better this way. if you are in a emotionally abusive situation I would say get out for your own sanity. As for me, I know this isn’t Gods plan for my life. I would like to go to counseling with my husband although he’s gone but he goes right back, the root hasn’t been dealt with yet.

  121. I myself am married to an alcoholic and separated. My husband and I have three children. Two of the children have told me at different times that my husbands behavior scares them. We have not been physically abused, but when you live with an alcoholic and you see their behavior get worse and worse over the years you can not rule out the fact that physical abuse may come. I can not let my children be in harms way. I would like to believe our God sees the circumstances and understands, because he has a great love for all of us, I believe especially for children. I don’t believe that if your spouse has been addicted for years, never seeked help of any kind, and truly seems to show signs of long term damage of alcoholism that our God wouldn’t understand if the husband and wife separate.

  122. Where do I begin…

    My son (who is now 40) and his family were spending the weekend with my first husband (they were very close). My husband Craig (2nd husband) sent Jason (my son) a lot of really nasty texts during the first day of their visit. Pretty much ruining the day for my son. They had a blow-out via the texts and the texts got pretty nasty. Craig said a lot of really nasty things to my son. He said that I (jasons mom) would never say anything, but it upsets her (me) that you don’t work more and take care of your family. My son has a back injury and is unable to work full time. He sees doctors about it, but it is ongoing. Jason gets very depressed that he isn’t able to work more, but does take care of his family in a lot of other ways. So, when my husband attacked his manhood, that was the last straw. Not to mention I never said those things, and do not feel that way. He used me to convey his own feelings. My husband has been disrespectful to my son for many years now. fMy husband tried to hide this whole thing from me, and still doesn’t know that I know.

    My husband is a drug addict plain and simple. He is addicted to prescription drugs. He has had three back surgeries and just recently had surgery on his knee. The pain he feels is real and I’ve tried to be compassionate, but the pills make him a different person. Very mean.

    We were married several years ago and had the same issues. I left him and he was arrested for crimes that were related to his drug use. He went to prison for 6 years. During that time, we reconciled with the understanding there would not be any more drug use. Well, 7 years and a couple of surgeries later, we are back to that dark place again. In addition to the drug use, he is doing things that are not legal.

    My son says Craig (mu husband) is no longer allowed anywhere near him or his kids (we have two young grandkids whom Craig loves dearly). Now what??! My husband doesn’t even know any of this yet. My son asked me not to say anything because he is afraid Craig and I will get in a big fight and Craig is completely irrational right now because of the drugs.

    I have been trying to hang in there because Craig said he would quit doing drugs after this surgery. So, that was the light at the end of my tunnel. But when Craig ‘quits doing drugs’, that typically really means that he just gets sneakier about it. Even though he may stop taking the pain pills, he still smokes pot and takes a variety of other things. I’m not saying he medical issues aren’t real, because they are. But his behavior is soooo out of line. Jason (my son) hasn’t been letting my grandkids come over as often for the past several months because he doesn’t want them to spend as much time around Craig. I told Craig before he came back into our lives that I would never let him come between me and my family. Although I can see the kids whenever I want (as long as I go to their house), this is going to be a HUGH problem once my husband finds out he’s been banned from my sons family. My husband and son work together, and I think my husband will cause my son a lot of problems at work as a ‘pay back’. This exact same thing happened the first time we were married.

    I’ve prayed a lot about it, I released it to god and have trust in him. But, I’m a weak human and want to just curl up and cry all the time. My husband has been really nice to me, but it is so hard to smile at him when I am so angry at what he has done. My son is devastated. He is so hurt. I don’t think he will ever be able to get past this.

    I DO NOT know what to do. Do I leave my husband, and bring harmony back to my family? There is so much more. Craig is disrespectful and obnoxious anywhere we go. It’s embarrassing and my family takes pause when it comes to inviting us to gatherings. We have always been a close family. Craigs family has disowned him and will not respond to letters or phone calls, other than to tell Craig to stay away from them and they don’t want him trying to contact them.

    I am so…….I don’t even know if there are words for how I’m feeling…….ruined…

  123. I am so relieved to read your opinion on addiction and marriage. I recently found out my husband has been using for five years. The insanity and volatility in our lives has been so confusing. I thought it was mental illness. I thought I should stay no matter what. It has been a horrible time with him having no job, being emotionally manipulative, blaming and abusive. My oldest child is deeply affected as I am sure the other two are except they want to rescue dad.
    Thank you for your expertise because I feel as though somehow I have failed, but my trust has been destroyed, my heart has been broken, and I believe it is my job to protect my children. My spouse is seeking rehab now, but it feels like too little, too late. How can I ever trust again?

  124. Searching for Answers,
    You are certainly able to divorce your husband..where some of the issues may not be so clear…because he is having an affair he has broken the marriage vows and you are “permitted” to divorce without any condemnation. It is still difficult to do. You can not get on with your future until you let go of your past.

  125. I have been married to a drug addict for almost 26 years (anniversary around the corner). My situation is different than most – otherwise I do not know that I would still be married. My husband has never been abusive to me and he has always been a good father. We have grown children who all have a close relationship with their dad. He is a great provider although during the worst part of his addiction he has lost his job for a time. I work hard to respond to each situation with a right attitude…I usually don’t. I have been hard on my husband and have said hurtful things to him when he relapses (the lies that accompany the relapse are the worst). When he is clean-sometimes for a year or longer- everything is great..He has fewer relapses now and further between…but we have weathered some very difficult storms. I have learned to lean on the Lord more. I have learned that I can be OK – I can STAY on higher ground. I can have peace in the storm. I have learned to love him in his weakness and understand that what he is doing in not TOO ME ( I have to remind myself of this often). Again…it is easier for me than others I am sure because my husband treats me like a queen…he hides the truth of who he is because of fear of rejection. Yes I desire a honest open relationship…I want him to let me inside his struggles- to turn to me instead of pills….but that is not the marriage I have..I have a husband who struggles with being honest with himself…who falls but keeps getting back up and trying…really trying again and again…SO I will be here with him…not enabling him,,,just loving him anyway.

  126. I have been with my husband for 3 years and we have been married for 9 months. We have 5 boys all together but only my two youngest live in our home regularly . He is a recovering cocaine addict of 25 years . he’s been clean from cocaine for five years up until recently I found out he was using cocaine. and now he is using crack cocaine along with a lot of alcohol. he leaves the house and doesn’t tell me where is going or who he’s with.
    He comes back different times during the night and sometimes the next day. I feel like I’m married to a complete stranger who is in denial that he’s an addict again. He says he’s not an addict because he doesn’t use everyday. He’s been hateful, vengeful, spiteful he has become a monster. I can’t trust him and I’m not sure if there is sex involved when he’s high. I’m so afraid to have him touch me. And so he thinks I have someone else. I tried to explain to him how I feel, but he’s not himself and clearly isn’t thinking normal. I talk to GOD everyday for provisions and answers.

  127. Was married for 12 years, two of those years were separated, been divorced 7 months now. My husband wouldn’t come home for days, was verbally and emotionally abusive. Raised his hand to hit me a few times, but never followed through cause I ran to the car. I would find needles in his car and he would deny everything. He got arrested for distribution delivery and manufacturing, a felony charge. Cops found meth and other drugs, he had been smoking and shooting up for years. He drugged me twice while we were married trying to get me hooked, we have 2 small kids. He was running hookers and my attorney has the credit card receipts to prove all the hotel bills and atm withdrawls. he was also addicted to alcohol and cocaine as well as shooting up meth. He was stealing and the house was filled with stolen merchandise, which I believe put myself and our kids at risk. Drug dealers said they knew where he lived as well and I was left home alone. His therapist says he’s a narcissist and a pathological liar. I am happy to be free of the drama, but there are people in my life that tell me that they are praying for God to restore our marriage. Seriously? Do people really believe this would be a healthy situation? I felt like I was more than justified to get a divorce and life is calm without him. He was forced into rehab and says he’s been sober almost 2 years, but in order to see the kids he has to be tested and he came up positive for illegal steroids. I just don’t believe he has fully changed nor do I trust him.

  128. What about the alcoholic spouse who lied about their addiction in order to get married?
    Then after marriage you find there is constant lying to cover the drinking?
    I wish I would have lived together before getting married, then I would ave discovered the mess.
    Instead, I trusted and found the lies after the wedding.
    Do you divorce a lying spouse, when the lie is what made the marriage?

  129. Married for 19 years to a drug addict and alcoholic, I am a christian he is not I have fallen from grace many times following him and not seeking God first, this has been a horrible marriage and I am ready to leave that is the reason I have contacted this site, I dont believe God can bless my marriage because it is a union that is unholy. I should have left many years ago I have lost the respect of all my family my children wont talk to me my friends think I’m crazy and they never come around anymore I have lost over 15 cars, a house and many possessions it is not worth staying I have stayed too long.

  130. I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 2 out of the 11. My husband when sober is a very good man with a huge heart, he was raised in Church and knows Gods Law. He would always say that he talks to God and God will forgive him because he is not fake and tells God the truth about himself all the time. So he believe that by doing this he will be OK and everything else will be OK. My husband has been an alcoholic and a drug abuser for all of the 11 years- 5 months, he has been in and out of jail many many times and prison once. During the first 5 years he was physically abusive until I became pregnant with our child. For the first 9 years Anything and Everything that I have tried to buy for our home was taken and sold. We were never able to have a nice home, when we had a home. I have worked and been the bread winner for the entire 11 years. My husband will find a job and work a luttle while then lose his job due to the drugs and alcohol everytime. I am the one that has always paid the rent/bills no matter what. I have a total of 4 children all living under the same roof. One of the last times he was in jail for 7 months he was released on probation, his fear of going to prison kept him clean and completely sober for exactly 5 months. It was during this 5 months that he Promised to never go back, he was able to keep his job during this time. Also during this 5 months that my husband had Promised to Never go back to the drinking and drug use, leaving the house only to not return until he felt like it. He Promised me that he would Never Cheat on me again and Asked me to Marry him. After 9 years of living with the drinking, drug abuse, cheating, not coming home, stealing, not working; I had finally been living with the man that I Loved so very much so when he proposed during this time Of Coarse I said Yes!! We have been married now for 2 years and in this 2 years he has already been to prison. My husband began drinking again 3 months after we were married and it seems to have only made him worse than before, I believe because now he is no longer afraid of prison. My husband now began to leave the house for 3-4 days at a time, he does not pay any attention to our 7 year old that we have together. He honestly believes he is doing no wrong and is not as huge hearted as he once was. I have been struggling with the “D” issue, I keep trying to find answers. I have prayed and prayed day and night I go to Church every Sunday and have tried to get him to go with me, he says he has Jesus in his heart. When we argue he says “and you go to Church” Please Help me, I am A VERY Tired Wife, and Mother. I have for so long submitted to my husband and We keep ending up right back where we started. We are going in circles just not getting anywhere and I don’t see us getting anywhere. The decisions my husband makes only makes me mad and hate and very weak. Our relationship is so Unhealthy, we are not showing each other love. It is hard for me as a wife to show him love, no matter how much I love him, I’m just too tired. We have been separated now for 2 weeks and since the first week of separation my husband has been living with another woman. Would it be ok for me to file for a divorce. I know what the Bible says and It frightens me to even think about getting a divorce, but I cannot live in my husband’s world anymore even though I still love him very much.

  131. I’m in a abusive marriage and when my husband gets drunk he verbally abuse me, my faith and physical appearance on top of that he’s on drugs as well. I find it hard to think that God loves me so much to want me to stay in this mess. I struggle with Divorce because some small voice says that God wants be to be an example of a patient wife, while continually being belittled and disrespected, he stays out and doesn’t come home for days at a time. Now I’m convinced that God does make away of escape and he is a loving and forgiving God who wants only the best for me and I can’t continue letting the enemy still my joy, with that being said Divorce is O.k in this situation.

  132. I’d addiction is truly a disease, if it is, than there is no weigh in hell that it’s morally just to divorce………none. And I’m really suspicious of ” mental and emotional abuse”….these are so open to greed and manipulation……

  133. I prayed for 3 years about what to do about my husbands addiction. He was addicted to Ambien and had a history of alcoholism years ago before we even met. He hid his Ambien addiction even though I confronted him many times because he was so sedated. I have been on chemo on and off for 6 years for advanced cancer. However, I worked most of the time and cared for the family especially our young daughter who was caught in the middle of the situation. After he wrecked his car in 2012, he started outpatient rehab on my insistence. He would be clean for a while then I would notice the sedation again, confront him. and he would lie about it. Due to my illness and picking up the slack at home, often times I would just ignore it. It was a nightmare and just too much. His family including his older children from his 1st marriage did not believe me because he was clean when he was around them. It created a fractured family when we had worked so hard to blend our families and overcome lots of trials involved with that as well as our own marriage issues.
    At the end of the road for me concerning his addiction, I basically just ignored him for several months., I couldn’t even stand to talk to him knowing he was lying. He ended up going to inpatient rehab after he blacked out and had a stranger drive him home while I was on vacation. This stranger called me and said he took him home. His car was not in the garage and it was wide open at 2 am.
    after that, his family began to see there might be an issue so they encouraged rehab. He still didn’t want to go but did it. After he was released, he was the man I married. Until 3 months later. I had chemo earlier in the week and on the weekend he was supposed to watch our daughter. I noticed on Thursday he seemed drowsy but prayed he wasn’t. After several confrontations over the weekend, I became angry with him and he left the home……came home drunk and high….vomited all over his car and left a suicide note in his car. I was done at this point. My daughter was not home when all this happened thank God. I called an ambulance to come take him to the hospital due to the suicide note. I was really scared. I filed for divorce 2 weeks later. It was so hard but our home life was out of control due to his addiction.
    9 months later our property settlement has been completed and we have to seek a beach property. Our finances are a mess and his addiction has not only fractured our whole family but he has no relationship with our 12 yr old. He wants one he says but she doesn’t trust him. I am angry he walked out on me during my chemo regimen. He said horrible things in the divorce papers about my mood swings and emotional abuse. Yes, I didn’t really speak to him for months because he kept lying to me. Rather tham argue, I just avoided him entirely.
    During that period, I caught him on several dating sites. He denied that too but I took screen shots of the history.
    This man that I loved so much is forever gone.
    I asked God to make it very clear to me if I should divorce. On that day when he came home high and drunk while I was on chemo and bald, I knew I couldn’t live like that. I needed his support and he checked out on drugs.
    Its a tough call and we have to individually address it with God. I miss him every day but that man that I married is forever gone……drugs have changed him. Even if he is clean, he is changed.
    He never asked to come back home and I have no idea if he is using or not.
    God bless any spouse who has to make a decision to divorce or not based on addiction. He was absent from the marriage when he was on drugs. To me, that is abandonment. So I believe its the right choice for me and believe God understands my heart and my process in my decision.

  134. I’ve been in my marriage and I think about Gods feeling my husband is an addict I can’t do it it has affected me in ways I can’t talk about he’s on a binge right now.I know I’m to suffer long because love of Christ insured all things just pray for me thanks.

  135. I am having many of the issue I have read today. Three years ago I found out my husband was a meth addict. we had been married 25 years and he told me he had been using on and off for 13 years-( which explains the mood swings). He went to outpatient rehab and after treatment relapsed. I kicked him out because he broke my boundary of using drugs. Well this January he got caught having an affair. After I kicked him out he was high and drunk and had sex with a woman whose house he was doing a side job for work. He had this relationship for 1.5 years-said he only had sex with her the one time- most likely a lie. She is an alcoholic/pill popper and forced him into the relationship or threatened she would tell me about the sex. He left us after I found out, he got a hold of a dealer and has been using since. I am at my wits end. While he was having an affair I took us to two Christian marriage conferences to work on our relationship-wow was I fooled. He wants his family and me back but he’s so far into himself and drugs he constantly does damage to the relationship. I pray constantly for discernment. My pastor said divorce him, the marriage counselor said if he uses divorce him, my kids say divorce him, his brother and sister say divorce him, my family say divorce him. But I want to know what God wants. He is lost. I hear the parable of the lost sheep and I know that’s him, or at least I think it is. My heart tells me to not give up yet. But then he says horrible things and does destructive things and I become filled with anger because of the hurt. Daily I have to let go and Let God, sometimes multiple times a day even. I have since told him he needs impatient rehab, if he does not go I will divorce him. I know God is giving me this trial and I’m trying to be strong but it’s so painful. I hear all of your pain and am there with you. God bless us all.

  136. Ive been Dealing with pain pill addiction for a good 10 years now, and before that, it was alcohol. My husband continues to lie to me, I have no more trust for him. I feel like I’ve been cheating on a thousand times over. He is having an emotional,mental, and physical affair with pain pills, his mistresses name is Vicodin. I’ve drawn near to Christ, and I am torn on getting a divorce. It’s gotten to the point now, that I’m either angry and bitter, or sad and depressed. Believing in my vows through sickness and in health, I have stayed, looking like a chump, sitting a bad example for my 3 children. Last year he took xanax, and crashed my car, causing us to be 10,000 dollars in debt. I’ve given this man 16 years of my life, trying to help him….so you want to talk about long suffering. …hard for me to believe this is God’s will for me or my life. YOU MUST REMEMBER PEOPLE, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, WE AREN’T TALKING ABOUT CANCER…THESE PEOPLE INTENTIONALLY INFLICT THE SICKNESS UPON THEMSELVES EVERYDAY, THEY MAKE A DECISION TO BE SICK. I AM A RECOVERING ADDICT, I MADE A CHOICE TO BE A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR MY KIDS. WHERE I’M TORN, IS GOD TELLING ME LET NO MAN SEPARATE WHAT HE HAS JOINED TOGETHER….MAYBE GOD DIDN’T JOIN US TOGETHER? I MUST BE CERTAIN WHAT GOD’S WILL IS BEFORE I MAKE A DECISION TO SEPARATE. GOOD GOD I HARDLY WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. NOT SUICIDAL, BUT THIS HAS ME PRETTY DARN DEPRESSED. I ALMOST WANT TO TURN FROM GOD, SO IT COULD MAKE MY DECISION EASIER….BUT I’M SURE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THE DEVIL WANTS. Then he could have us both.

  137. I have been pondering this. I know the Bible and therefore my church says that divorce is only allowed in cases where adultery is involved but I divorced my drug abusing husband. Who knows what he did on his binges. He was also crazy and would fly off the handle and get fairly violent at the drop of a hat. I would not have left my child alone with him. I have often thought that if a wife feels her ex can be trusted with the children, why the heck are they even divorced.
    My church does not allow people who are not “Biblically divorced” to hold any sort of leadership position in the church. I understand their reasoning, but I also find it rather hurtful and discriminatory. My offspring turned out better than many of the sanctified leaders’ kids who have been overly influenced by our decadent culture.
    No matter what my church may say, I know I was right to take the path to safety and sanity that I chose and I believe Jesus guided me.


  139. My husband is addicted to meth and porn. wev been married for three years. Honestly while we were dating I had no idea he was an addict. because at that time he had re dedicated his life to Christ and was goin to church regularly. and I fell in love with him because of Christ in his life, like me! But soon after we married I started to notice things in him changing. Stopped goin to church regularly, hanging out with certain people who he has things in common with, like drugs. trying to b the good wife that I am I just try really hard to walk in Christ’s love towards him and encourage him to do the right thing, the right thing according to God’s word, being a God pleaser and not a people pleaser. I am a devoted rooted and grounded Christian woman. I love my husband and I desire for my marriage to be healthy and to work! Ive never ever done drugs or viewed porn of any kind! I think porn can damage a persons soul! as well as other things. He claims to still be a Christian, He claims that because he loves his friends and he doesn’t want to see them go to hell hes not going to give up on them, So when hes with them even when hes getting high with them hes preaching at them about God, and who Christ is. When hes with his friends he can be gone for hours or sometimes all through the night. when ive had to deal with my own insecurities about what hes doing and I confront him about it he says to me everything is ok, babe, I know what im doin im a big boy I can handle myself. I would never lie to you, and no matter what I will never cheat on you. well honestly, I have no other reason not to believe him. And iv noticed that everytime his friends start calling him he goes running towards them. And when hes not with them and hes home he will lock himself either in the garage or in a bathroom to view porn and masterbate for hours. And when I have tried to say something to him about this he acts like its no big deal. But it is a big deal!!! Although there are times when he is in recovery mode every other week/weekend. and hes reading God’s word before he goes to work. And just when I think hes finally goin to do it this time then BAM!!! something will happen and he goes right back to doin it again. So hes in a very destructive cycle. He claims he wants to have a sober mind set, and he doesn’t want to do these things. But he just cant seem to get a grip on his soul(mind, will, and emotions.) Ive been praying for him daily according to God’s word. But the reality is that we all have a free will. And sometimes I think I can pray for him all day long until im blue in the face but its until he makes the decision to want to change then it will happen. Because I love him I want to do only what God’s will is that I do concerning my marriage. So I feel torn at times because I do want my marriage to be healthy and prosperous and to work! Any suggestions would b helpful!! THankyou! God Bless!!

  140. I have been married to my husband for 27 years, all of which he says that he’s been using marijuana. I did not realize the seriousness of this addiction until about 10 years into the marriage. His first addiction was to alcohol. Once he overcame that, the marijuana stayed the same, hidden. Early in our marriage, I have been faced with the question of divorce because he couldn’t hold down a job and I was discovering many lies. We were having children and I was very concerned about their stability. He professes to be a Christian but doesn’t behave like one. He can charm others into accepting it but I stand there and hold back my accusatory glances. I’m trying to be the good wife and not tarnish his reputation but I feel like the fool doing so. I have been counseled to separate from him but I have nowhere to go, no job skills and no money. He doesn’t either, we are living off of his disability which isn’t much. I believe in being a stay-at-home mother and would be heartbroken if I had to suddenly work a job out of the home and provide childcare for my children when I believe it is my job to raise them, not another person. I am at a loss as to what to do. Every angle I look at for a solution makes me feel hopeless. I have prayed to God for years over this. The question of whether or not to leave him comes and goes. Things get a little better then they go back to the old way. I want to believe that God is concerned about my happiness but also believe He has no problem with my long suffering. When my husband lies to me I feel worthless, like I wasn’t good enough for the truth. When I find out the truth of what he has been doing, I feel like a fool for believing in him again. If love is “believing all things” then I don’t like love.

  141. Hi, I have been reading a lot of what you all have shared. I admit I have seen so much of myself in all of you. The first night I began to read I cried so much. I have been with my husband for 20 years. We have been married for almost 6 years. We have been separated most of our marriage. Drugs and alcohol has been in our relationship the entire time. When he is intoxicated and high, he is mean. He is the sweetest man when he is sober and clean. I struggle with the idea of getting a divorce as well. I have begged, cried, and pleaded with my husband to get some help, but he refuses. He seems to think he can do it himself. I have seen how Satan uses him when he is under the influence. I have become fearful, angry, resentful, bitter, I don’t trust him, and now it’s getting to the point that I don’t want him around. He tells me things are going to get better, but they haven’t. He’s been telling me that for 6 years. I am still sitting here waiting, and being faithful to him, while he is living his life. He tells me he loves me, and our children but as far as I am concerned; it’s all a lie. He blames me for everything. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife to him. I raise our children alone, and he doesn’t help me much at all. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. Sometimes I wish I had never met him. I had left him before we got married. He begged me to give him his family back. He said he would change, he would go to rehab. He said he would do whatever it took. Now here I am 6 years later. I know that the Lord can do all things, but He meaning God allows us to have our own free will. That’s what I look at when I look at my husband. We were going to church, he gave his life to the Lord, and then Boom he quit. It was like he got what he wanted so he could stop pretending now. I don’t think that’s how it is, but that’s how it feels to me. Most of the time I feel like he is just putting on a show. Nothing he say is true.

  142. having been married to a drug addict for about 40 years my heart goes out to all the women in your family I too struggled with the issue of to divorce or not is it right is it wrong what does God think it took me until I was 53 years old to finally leave and that was after many many things have happened there was never a doubt that my husband loves me or loves his family he did believe in God also and for a short time was involved in our churchthe drug addiction but all the chaos that everybody talks about the mistrust to hurt crying out to God staying with him for the sake of the children and wanted to do the right thing praying and asking God to fix it it we have one sentence rehab that was so hopeful after we had an intervention that I was sure that God had come down and fix the situation it took me all those years you finally realize I could do nothing to help him other than pray and I’ll continue to pray for him even though we’re separated and I am planning to get a divorce and move on with my life and free him up to move on with this this life may just be staying single the rest of my life I don’t know as I am much older now and the thought of starting over is daunting many struggles came with the separation a lot of grief and its been almost 5 years now since I left I will always love him and care about him but there came a time where I had to set boundaries all along through all those years and the kids are growing up I never felt that God gave me the go ahead to leave but this time 2 years back I never got any kind of anything from God that I was to stay there was nothing stopping me God made a way to the housethere were there was many financial struggleswhy did not know how I was going to make it but I always did with God’s graceI look back and think sometimes a waste of my life but my life is not what I know now I am not writing person now they went down and I have to look at it like I prayed all those years god had me there for a reason I don’t know what it is right now I live by myself with my dogand sometimes though I am lonely for that companionship of a husband and southI no longer live in that chaos I no longer live with the inconsistency so are the lights going to be on all night will be he he be coming and going doing all kinds of weird things will he come home from work will he gamble away his entire paycheck will I be able to pay the rent and the list goes on and on and on my husband was never abusive to me physically at least not regularly there were times where we there was a lot of screaming and yelling and throwing things so that was definitely abusive the biggest thing I can say to any of you women because I want to help all of you and save you from what I went through is the biggest thing you need to realize is the man is married to the drug the drug is his wife the drug is his first and final love it doesn’t mean some of these guys will not be helped through rehab let’s do you have to set boundaries and realize the drug is his wife once somebody told me that it all made sense what is a personal decision for each one of the few between you and God and you will have to come to your own conclusions I didn’t leave easy I stayed for many many yearsI have seen my husband on occasion and after almost 40 years of drug addiction on his part I can see such a difference in the smart capable man I used to know the drugs have definitely impact of his brain along with his out with physical appearance he now lives in a shed in the back of someone’s yard

  143. Hi, I am a pastor who is four and a half months off Xanax. I had become an unintentional dependent for what I now realize for several years. Fifteen years I had been on benzos, the first ten or so on about one mg or less. The last five I increased the dose, using as much as four mg daily. I had terrible gastrointestinal, jaw, anxiety, depression, ect for about a decade, finally realizing I have been addicted, reaching tolerance several times throughout. I went from doctor to doctor trying to figure out the physical digression I experienced, ending up in the mental hospital. It was there I found out what was wrong, I am hocked! Then I made a decision to get off this stuff. Unfortunately I did not know any better and went cold turkey. I was thrust into major terror, anxiety, depression, you name it, I had it! Now, as I said, it has been four and a half months, doing some better, but still having problems, still in bed, all a big nightmare. I am getting counseling as I work through, but how is the best way to deal with this problem?

    1. Hello Stan. Xanax is a benzodiazepine drug, which is a category of medications that are easy to get dependent to and cause horrible withdrawal symptoms when you try to quit after using them regularly for a while. Actually, the recommended prescription period for Xanax and other benzos is 2 weeks to 1 month, but doctors are ignorant and keep prescribing. If you are going to counseling all you have left is to wait. It does take a long time for your brain and body to fully recover and get back to normal, but if you only persist for a little while more you will be feeling more and more better.

  144. Ann, your husband has failed you in every way. We all saw this and still chose them. That is our mistake. We saw the early signs and still chose them, but we never knew the extent, because they lied about everything. You cannot base a relationship on lies. That is how they trap us, by lying. That’s like saying they aren’t married and then we find they are married to someone one else. Lying to marry someone is not based on faith. It is fraud. After all I have experienced, I would divorce. Something I would not have said before.
    I caught my wife texting other men who wanted her. She denied it. The next text I find and I will be texting her from the layers office.

  145. Here’s my lesson that I learned the hard way: Never marry into addiction. It will never go away no matter what the addict says. It is their default; their choice. Denial is the great crutch they use. It isn’t a disease. It is a choice. They don’t want to stop no matter what they say. AA is a head game where they try convince themselves to stop when they don’t really want to. Just like men don’t cheat from some disease. They feat because if feels good. Same with addicts. They want the feeling without the guilt. Drinking takes planning. Planning isn’t a disease. If you haven’t gotten the message already, then take your chances. My wife’s drinking has taken me to the beginning stages of divorce thinking. Drinkers live in lie and falsehood. Don;t like being lied to? Then make your choice.
    My wife lives in lie. Everything. Her default is to lie. I see it so plainly. She will slip and be with another man, because addiction is selfishness. When I have proof, I am out of here.

  146. We are each evolving on some kind of path, journey or enlightened life. We each get to make the choice at each step to chose our reality. I chose to stay, and now we will celebrate 20 years of marriage. My life was also upside down with drugs and alcohol and a very anxious husband. But I did stick it out and I did manage the household finances and I did keep my kids on track, making sure they were mostly sheltered from the ugliness of it all. And kept them free from being mired in the muck and mire, letting them know constantly that this had nothing to do with them. And now at 18, 19 and 24, they are all in college, one a master’s program. They all work, are diligent, passionate and compassionate young people. They have forgiven their father, though they hold him accountable for his actions, they are removed and are all in healthy relationships, striving to do well and become contributing members of society. They knew that they had to work hard in school to earn scholarships for college, and they did just that. I thought, at one point, that I should leave, but digging in and praying, brought mindfulness, serenity for myself and resolution. I understood that I was responsible for how I went through the darkest times, but choosing a reaction, that either helped me or would hurt me. And now he is sober for five years, switched jobs, works outdoors, sleeps better and is thriving once again. I just left the bedroom and he understood, that meant I was gone from the game playing, the co dependency and the denial. I showed him the way, and he followed me back. I thought at one point I would not make it, but I did, and the kids are fine and God and prayer and the Holy Spirit thru scripture, words of comfort, God’s word, my family and close friends, have helped me to chart a course and keep me on track. I don’t have any addictions, but am surrounded by family members who are active. It has been hard, yes, but I have learned much about myself and the journey is joyful, but I have made it about me, casting aside my husband and focusing on the kids and myself and all the goodness God has given us on this bountiful earth. Had my husband stayed the course, however, and not made the effort to sober up, I would have had him long gone, long ago. I put up with it for ten years, and no one should stay in a broken hearted place that is inflicted by someone else for more then God has given you the strength to endure. God gives us what we can handle and when we can’t handle it a second more. You are free to do as you please. God will never ever judge you for anything you do, good, bad or otherwise. God observes, he does not judge. (when I say “He”, I mean “Being”, whether “he, she, it or the Universe” The “I am” of All that is <3

  147. I think you are absolutely correct. I am currently married to drug addict. I have been through two rehab stints with him and one overdose that landed him in the hospital. He’s still recovering physically from it. He has cost us all of our money or credit he burned through her children’s college funds. Our children witnessed him almost die and watched me give him cpr for 5 min while we waited on the ambulance. The emotional pain and turmoil and confusion and depression in our house right now is almost unbearable. I cannot trust him. You said in your article above that addiction has the same effects as adultery. I think to some extent that’s true but I also think its worse because he has now fragged our children into it. He has lied to them stolen money from them and watching him almost die on our living room floor has scarred them in ways I cannot even fully describe. Our youngest child who is only in third grade said to me the other night that life sucks. You’re so much more I want to say about this. But I don’t know how to articulate it. Thank you for your article though. I have been feeling very alone in this surrounded by my Christian friends. They tend to think the way most mainstream Christianity thanks. That this addiction that we are dealing with should not be grounds for divorce. But they haven’t experienced it first hand. It’s devastating. He has brought us to the verge of homelessness. My children have no hope of college. I am the only source of income and stability. There is so much hate and resentment and stress… and pain.

  148. I don’t know where to start. I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years (2nd marriage for both), and things have been bad since the beginning. He worked as a salesman and was very good at it. However, he never kept receipts, was unorganized and never got reimbursed for his expenses. He won awards for his sales skills, but he would eventually spiral down and get fired from every job. The last job he attempted was his dream job. He was sent out of state for training and disappeared after only 2 days. His employer filed a missing person report. He left his clothes and laptop in the hotel. He eventually called me from the airport a week later asking for money to get home. I got him home and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly thereafter. Although his medication didn’t help enough to allow him to work, it definitely helped. But, it made his sluggish, and he hated it. He would quit taking it and go into a manic high. Come to find out, he was using drugs during this time. He has told me that he has tried everything I could imagine. This man I married was classy. He dressed well, and he was confident. He has quit taking his medication and got on suboxone for his drug addiction; however, he has been selling the suboxone for his drug of choice, whatever that may be. He has admitted to using meth and marijuana on a regular basis. It used to be cocaine when he was working but I guess he downgraded when the money was no longer there. He has also been addicted to Percocet, but I think meth or possibly heroine has replaced it. I have proof that he has cheated on me as I got an STD, and he then admitted it. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and infections have caused me to be septic on 3 occasions. I just can’t get over that he would bring home something like that. The stress is causing me to physically and mentally deteriorate. My 2 girls aren’t his, but they call him Dad, and they are devastated by his actions (both of them are grown and married). He uses his facebook account to instant message the druggies, and he has now deleted the girls from his facebook “because I don’t want to hear their opinions.” But yet, he has “friends” that are young girls (younger than our girls) and drug addicts with pictures of them with marijuana pipes etc. I unfriended him several months ago as I didn’t want anyone to know I’m married to him. I’ve suffered public humiliation, threats, etc. I know the infidelity is enough to get a divorce, but I still question if I should divorce him. I hate it that I now have two failed marriages. He will never survive on his own, and he has threatened to make the police shoot him if he’s every caught. He says he’ll never go to jail. I still love him, and I want to protect him. Just hold him and make it all better, but he won’t let me. I’m now stuck at home. My car needs some type of repair (he took the money for the parts and never got them). So, although I’m paying 2 car payments, I’m stuck at home without a car. I have the house payment and household expenses, and I just received word that my retirement check will be significantly cut this month until I qualify for Social Security disability. I worked for 25 years, the last 14 with rheumatoid arthritis. But, due to his drug problem, I borrowed from my retirement, took out a loan on one of the cars after it was paid off and have used all of my savings. Today is his payday, and he’s gone. He won’t return until he has spent it all, and I’ll have to figure out how to pay the bills. Please everyone, pray for me.

  149. I”ve read much of this email chain with great interest. The variety of life situations is amazing. God didnt promise us eternal happiness, God promised us eternal life. I’ve enjoyed and endured a marriage of 27 years, and finally when my youngest daughter graduated from high school i punted. Countless bouts with alcoholism, stubbornness, refusal to amend, redirection of blame, unwillingness to accept any responsibility, never apologizing, innumerable social embarrassments to my daughters and me, endless detox weekends, multiple interventions and long term rehabs, and it still continues. Traffic accidents, DUI’s, blah blah blah. So….could I endure with the woman i started dating as a teenager? yes. Could i suck it up for the rest of my life? yes. We all have faults, but in the end, you have to find peace in your heart. Life is not a dress rehearsal my friends. I’ve grown up as a devote Christian from age 5. God is merciful but with expectations that we give it our best. However, its a two way street. For those of you have walked this walk, you know. For those of you have not, don’t judge. Its a living hell at times. I’ve finally decide to move on. countless christian counselors, pastors, biblical study, etc. in the end, find peace in your heart with your decision, and go with it. I will forever have enormous sympathy for her, love her, wish she would change, be willing to reconsider, endure pain for the pain she causes to our children, and endure pain for the fact that a loving , caring wonderful person has essentially lost those emotions to the affair with Kendall Jackson. I’m at peace with my decision, but my gut will burn forever that the combination of a personality trait and a disease inflicted on my spouse has compromised what otherwise was a truly incredible life opportunity.

  150. What about a compulsive spending addiction? We have been married 17yrs with 2 kids. He has a great career and I did too but gave up to relocate many times for him as I submitted. But he never wanted to provide for us he only wanted to chase his dreams with or without … if we didnt like it we could leave he said. My spouse left us a year ago after cheating once intimately and another time emotionally. He decided he would be happier single after those experiences.. He made me sell our modest home as he caused us much debt with his love of spending so I couldn’t afford to keep it. He took his portion to invest in more luxury items to launch his dream business. He said only through this separation could he finally fulfill his dream. He says he believes in God but needs to live for his own happiness firstly. I truly started my walk with God when I learned about his unfaithfulness. I do not want to divorce my spouse but do I wait for years and maybe forever? He says he will not return, he enjoys dating and doesn’t want to ever stop spending money as he pleases. He says he doesn’t want to hear me complain about us being in debt anymore and he cant stop spending. I want to stay committed to my marriage but I don’t really have a marriage to commit to? Please pray and guide me through this using the the bibles word

  151. I have been struggling with the decision to divorce my husband since I left him a couple months ago. Today is the day that I am divorcing the person I love. I am grieving desperately, but NO one not even my Christian counselor has told me to stay. For the past two years, my husband had become paranoid that I had some sexual addiction and he started leaving work to follow me, secretly video and recording me. He tried to commit suicide at one point. I have taken drug test when he thought I was on drugs, I even took a polygraph to prove I wasn’t doing the awful things he was accusing me of. I finally couldn’t take it any longer, and left my home. We have talked since and have seen each other and I wasn’t sure what to do. Do I go back and try to work it out. He promises he’s changed. Well, he calls last night and is begging for me not to divorce him. The problem now, is that he just admitted that he had been doing Cocaine for the past two years! Is this the reason for all his paranoia? I don’t know if I should believe him. I don’t want a divorce but I feel that I am being a fool if I go back at this time. Any help would be appreciated.
    Thanks, Shawn

    1. Hi Shawn. What I’m about to say may sound a bit philosophical, but I believe it may help you. Any relationship is like a piece of thread. Relationships, just like threads can be cut in half, but they can also be tied back together. You tie a little knot and you have a whole piece of thread again, BUT the knot stays forever. The question is how many knots can you live with? And, is it still a thread after so many knots? Anyway, I believe your partner needs to prove that he has changed. Until then you have no reason to believe him. You may give him a chance to prove how he’s changed, but people rarely do.

  152. I have been with my husband for almost 4 years. He has left me in rages and fits under the influence of Alcohol and Suboxone. I had no idea that he had a drinking problem. He told me he was on suboxone for an injury he sustained years ago playing sports. I asked well how long have you been on the meds? 7 years to date. He is past 50 years old! Really? Rewinding, I fall in love with this man. I stayed single for almost 10 years just dating, traveling and working. I have a loving family and they have been living with me before I met him. I knew this guy when we were teens. I thought he wanted the same things as I. 3 months after we married he left for six weeks. I let him back. He never stayed longer than 5 or 6 months in a row. I had 2 back surgeries within 6 months apart. I couldn’t walk and was bedridden for 4 months until my first surgery. 5 days before my surgery he told me I made him sick and left. But before he did that, I had went to the back doctor and had 2 shots in my spine. The doctor prescribed me daludid 5mg-120 pills. I was taking them every 4 hours and watched the clock as I laid in bed with the hopes that Jesus would just come and take me. I log everything. Especially medicine. I kept it in a safe. One evening I had my daughter get it out for me. I started counting it??? I had 80 pills missing. I was devastated. I knew in my heart he had stolen them. I was sick to my stomach so I prayed him gone. Sure enough that very next day he came home doped up, smelling like beer and said I made him sick laying there everyday, not working! I was in tears. I have my job 20 years now. I work with special needs, a blessed job. I love Jesus. I invited this man in to my happiness. I was already happy. So I get the surgery. I refuse the medicine a week after I was home from the hospital. I was not getting better. Ut Oh! I’m disc on disc. My daughter was caring for me and doing everything from lifting me from the tub to carrying me to the car and in to the doctors. The doctor was upset to tell me that I had failed surgery and was only given an hour and a half in the operating room. So I found another doctor and schedule surgery 6 months later. Guess who came back? Yes I forgave and let him back. This time he stayed for 8 months. Well the last month he decided he would stay at his moms once week. I said this is not normal. A week never went by that I didn’t smell beer. He tried to cover it with coffee. He woke up seven days a week and left the house every morning. We have never had a get away. The drugs and alcohol come first. This time I told him to stay at his moms? He never fully moved in here anyway. I pay for just about everything and I have him covered on my health insurance. He cries and wants back. Well I decided to get some knowledge on this suboxone and from what I have learned for most there is no getting off of it. Its for opiate abusers and your not suppose to drink. I could understand if someone needs meds to really help them, but I am 50 years old and this is for the birds. I have a bucket list, I’m not a drinker, I work everyday. I have decided to learn about essential oils and deal with my health in a whole new perspective. I want a normal happy life. My husband has left 6 times in a belligerent state while I put up with all of his mental torment and cursing on a daily basis. It was I who asked him the 7th to stay at his moms. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. I was willing along time ago to help and be supportive with a treatment plan. I made it very clear we have insurance. But no he would deny a problem. How many times does one go round and round? He made it very clear he never saw us on and island or even a plane to travel anywhere. He totally shot down my bucket list. I’m sick to my stomach and feel like a fool. Unless someone wants help or change you can pray all you want. I cant force anyone to do anything they don’t want and praying for certain things to change about a person is wrong. But praying one finds the Good Lord Jesus is everything because when you have a personal relationship you become new in Christ and your old ways are no longer. Hebrews 8:9

  153. Hi, I’ve been married to my husband for 16yrs, we have 3 girl’s together.I my self was married before him to a drug addict and alcohol. I had 2 children by him I stayed in the relationship until he was killed in a car wreck on drugs of course.I remarried to my husband now he and I was drinking when we meet I started a downward spiral of drinking on the weekend only a few mixed drinks and I met my husband in a bar .When it got serious I told him I can’t live with an alcoholic like I did 11yrs with my first.He put it down for 16yrs we were great together .He got sick uncontrollable diabetes going thru pain and doctor prescribed oxygen cotton, well that lead to abuse of pills so he started going to methadone clinic was doing great.something happened and he started doing speed cause he could get out of I’ve been told he is on meth.He stays out all hours of the night into the morning sometime not coming home.I accused him of the meth and sleeping around on the phone.he came in at 3 am and started hitting me on my arm pulling my hair.I can’t sleep at all worried if he will over dose or come home to kids are seeing this behavior .He doesn’t remember hitting me at all but bruises don’t lie.Ive never had a job I’m 42 yrs old and he is spending all our bill money on drugs .we will be on the street before long.I need some advice.

  154. So its done. Divorced an abusive drug and alcohol addicted wife of more than 20 years. She left me for dead, disabled and nearly alone. Said abusive things, lied at the hearing and stole from me and the kids. She has destroyed our family. She won’t admit she has a problem because she would have to do something about it. She demanded this. Now my life is over. There is no saving us, her or me.

  155. Hello everyone.
    First I want to day that I am soooo sad. Thank you soo much for reading this help me know I am not alone. I am married for only 5 months. My husband drinks everyday. I go to bed and then he stays up drinking and then finally comes to bed 2 to 3 hours later. He says he doesn’t have a problem. But he drink hard liquor (rum) during the week… a lot of it too. I am soo sad about this. I am also wandering what should I do. we don’t have kids and we are not planing until the end of the year 2015. But how could I think in extending my family with a man who I believe is a beginner alcohololic? I am 33 and I am afraid. I want a God to be the strong bond of our marriage. I want for me and him to zealously Glorify God as a family. He likes going out with his friends and getting drunk. I am really sad. Today, I went to bed early, but I couldn’t sleep. Was able to fall a sleep almost 1:00AM. Then almost 3:00AM he comes to sleep after sipping on rum all night in the couch watching forensic files. I woke up then and haven’t been able to sleep since. Time is now 5:20. Please pray for, pray for him. Please let’s that the God touches their heart and help them. I am really hurting and I know that all of you here are too. God bless all of you… I will be praying for all of you affected by alcohol, first hand and second hand.

  156. Kathleen, omg! Thank you for all that wisdom knowledge and understanding. Yes I have been praying all this time, fasting, and just talking to the Lord on a regular basis. Yes he has answered and it seemed like a long time coming but he’s right on time. My husband still never made it back home to his family so I filed for a divorce. Still going thru the process but goin thru with sooooo much ease. I don’t feel condemn, I’m not angry, I prays for my husband inspite of because yet its still a soul that needs to be saved. You asked if my husband was saved? Yes he is but left God, running back to his 1st live which is cocaine! After awhile my husband has been out there for soooo long his hope and faith became shorter and shorter in God. He goes long and I mean long periods of time without contacting. Last time we seen or heard from him was oct. 2014. I prays for him but I still want to move on with my life. God would have to send a miracle if we was to ever get back together. I do desire companionship and husband but a God fearing one. One that will love God the way God loves the church. I prays for a God fearing husband often but I also desire to wait on God. I havnt had any relations outside my marriage and yet I’m still faithful to my hsband because I’m faithful to God and yes he is a keeper. Lol inspite of the rules and laws of my church only God has called me, onl God will elevate and ordian me and only God has the final say so with that being said I put my trust and all my hope in God. I still love my husband dearly and wish it nerver turned out this way but everything happens for a reason I’m who I am because of this marriage I believe. I found God because I went thru what I went thru in this marriage. I regret nothing and moving forward I learned and lived and I live move and have my being because if God so TO GOD BE THE GLORY. THANK YOU FOR HEARING AND READING MY STORY AND I PRAY MY TESTIMONY WILL HELP SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE. God Bless you 🙂

  157. Wow, “Hopeful”, I felt like I was reading my story. Everything about your husband is my husband. And what you must trust is your instinct, your intuition is God’s voice. People don’t seem to understand God speaks to us through us and that is what we must be open to. The voice of God is a whisper, it is the being of all beings, the knowing of all, that deep seated gut feeling within, that is the Holy Spirit telling us what to do. Last Sunday, Richard Rohr, a Franciscan Monk said this: God is not a being, God is All Being. God Being All, does not want suffering for us. We have the free will to choose joy, happiness, compassion, kindness, peace, and when we choose to stay in a place that does not align with Gods divinity, we choose to go against God. For me, I chose the couch, and abstinence as a way of being true to myself. Which means I didn’t abandon him or me, and the kids get both of us. My husband has to answer for his behavior and they confront him with the stink and the irresponsibility of it all, but they let him deal with his own actions and consequences. They amaze me and teach me. And by departing from the bed, I gave myself back choice and self-dignity. It is a conscious decision we make to free ourselves from that which we cannot align or that which brings us pain. When we choose to stay in, they we are seeking the pay-off of pain, self-pity and suffering. Clear the path, separate yourself from him, entirely, do not ask questions and demand that he smoke in a place where you do not have to smell it. OR, call the cops and have him arrested, in most states, it is illegal to smoke dope, and it is definitely illegal to smoke dope and drive. Good luck!

  158. I’ve been searching my heart, praying and trying to hear God’s direction for my marriage. I was divorced for 17 years when I ran into a former high school classmate. We knew each other but not that week in school, we came from different sides of the tracks. I was straight laced and a Christian, he was into drugs and alcohol. When we met, he had quit about 10 years prior and rarely drank a beer. He brought up a former classmate that had invited some friends over usually had pot available. I let him know that if he was going to get back into smoking, we needed to end our relationship then because it wasn’t something I wanted to be a part of my life. Long story short, he said he didn’t need it, we married and a couple years down the road he started smoking marijuana with some younger ‘friends’. I confronted him and he said he was glad I found out that he didn’t want to get started again. Well, he hasn’t been able to keep his promise still yet. Last summer he lied to my face about having a joint (I had discovered it) then he became angry because I found it. I asked him to leave if he couldn’t give it up. I wasn’t ready to divorce and he wasn’t ready to give it up. He says he will give it up the end of this month but I’m doubting he can. He says he has prayed for a sign if God wants him to give it up and it’s not enough that I pray for guidance and think he should. He claims he doesn’t get high, just takes the edge off but I see a personality difference that I don’t like. He’s more aggressive when we talk about it, he lacks motivation or even involvement and his memory is even worse when he’s smoked. I hate it and I have been devastated. I joined a Celebrate Recovery group and that is helping with my codependency but I have the same concerns of some of the others here. How do I know I’m hearing God’s voice? What boundaries do I set as a Christian? I asked to never smoke in the house and never when I’m off. He says he doesn’t but I came home today and could smell it in the house and sometimes when he knows I’m just stepping out for a few minutes, he slips out to smoke. I’m frustrated with him, feel he’s betrayed our trust, and not putting me before his addiction. I’ve told him it’s dishonorable and disrespectful to me but he doesn’t see it that way. It’s like he has blinders on and can only see his point of view, which is it doesn’t affect me so why do I not want him to do something that brings him so much pleasure. I just want to scream when he says that because he just doesn’t get how it affects me. We’re in our 50’s and I’m trusting God has a good plan for me, us if my husband wants to save our marriage, but I can’t do it alone. I also don’t want to live another year with this but like the others, I want to be a loving wife. I’ve been able to forgive him but sometimes I’m very turned off knowing he’s sitting there high. What do you say to your spouse to get them to recognize the seriousness and seek help?

  159. I am sure there are plenty, but they don’t happen often. Take is from me, at 55 and 20 years into a marriage with a man I thought I knew, drug addiction has seized him. Now that my kids are all either out of college or in, it is time for me to think about me. I put all my energy into raising conscientious, compassionate children, successfully, but all along, my husband gave me the most trouble and to this day, he continues to disrespect me, over-indulge, and be a very selfish person. If it were not for my resolute and very strong personality, I am not sure if I would have been able to maintain my sanity up until now, and there are days, were his behavior makes me question just why the hell I stayed. But the children do not judge and he has never hurt them, not in anyway that caused them to hate their father. He has been a good provider despite alcohol and drug addiction, but that was because he was young, he is 15 years younger then I and now that he is older, the drugs (no more drinking) are really starting to play a part in his health. His drug of choice is pot, 24/7, 7 days a week. And he is constantly sick, head and chest colds, tired all the time, depressed and anxious, non-committal and non-emotional. His presence sometimes makes me sick, a weird anxiousness and physically sick. I love him and I hate him all at the same time. I hate that he stole 20 years and put drugs and alcohol ahead of his family. And I hate that I am so social and he is so estranged from society, hates public venues and strangers. I would suggest that you do yourself a favor, while you are so young and hit the skids, kid <3

  160. So I found this blog site as I was doing research on what the bible implies about being married to a drug addict. This site stood out and ladies and gents, I read almost all of your stories. I keep seeing “we’ve been married 10 years”, or “17 years”, or “30 years” and I mean, that is a long time to put up with someone who is a drug addict. I have only put up with one for 2 years and I am already contemplating divorce so that I can finish out my 20’s without being dragged down every day and worrying my ass off about this other human being 24/7. We got married in 2013 and I was unaware of his PTSD, ADHD, and depression. Although, I was aware of his drug abuse because a couple weeks before we got married, he took pills from someone and they ratted him out. He sought help on his own and his counselor was really good, so I thought everything was kosher. I was willing to accept he had problems, as we all do, and I went ahead and married him.
    One month later, drugs took their hold on him again. He was no longer the man I married no matter how much he pretended to be, or tried to hide it from me. I worked three petty jobs just to pay rent and keep food on the table. I was also in school because it was important to me not to quit. He made up every excuse in the universe as to why he hadn’t found a job yet. He wasn’t even looking. The pressure and the stress were insurmountable, so after a year of this I kicked him out and I moved in with my grandma because I still had no money and I couldn’t take care of him anymore, or deal with the emotional abuse from him. After 6 months, I told him he could move back in with me in an apartment I had rented as long as he attended NA meetings, continued seeing a therapist, and got a job. It went well at first. He came to church with me, got a good job, went to all his meetings proudly, and we went out on dates and he seemed to enjoy life. Well of course it all happened again. He stole pills from a member of the church and was found out. I was embarrassed and couldn’t go back to that church or to the family’s house he stole from, even though they still welcomed us with open arms. The man he stole from even came over and forgave him in person. Wow! I forgave my husband too and made him promise me he would tell his sponsor at NA.
    Weeks went by and he didn’t attend any NA meetings and he didn’t see his therapist. He claimed that work was making him too physically tired to do anything. He was becoming more and more emotionally abusive and one weekend he literally slept 72 hours straight and he woke up angry, throwing things, refused to eat, and threatened to leave me. I ignored these signs and blamed his work because he hadn’t worked that hard in so long so I thought his stamina was low. Well, guys, it was Adderall. He was prescribed Adderall for his ADHD and the poor guy warned me it was addictive a long time ago but was convinced he needed it to function as a human being. I should’ve guessed it on my own. I should’ve known he would become addicted to it. He was popping extra pills to cope with every situation! He ran out of his prescription and couldn’t get more so he conned me into giving him $20 for “food and gas”. Of course the next day he convinced me he needed more money. I caught on right then and there. He denied that he bought a drug, but then came clean all in the same minute. He said he couldn’t do it anymore and he wanted to get some serious help. He didn’t go to work that night and a week later he checked himself in to drug rehab.
    I visited him today and he was his normal self, the same man I fell in love with a few years ago. Thinking about divorce makes me feel guilty because he went and got this inpatient help all on his own and he believes he is a man of God. He refuses Teen Challenge or any other biblical help though, which makes no sense. God is the only way to true healing. He claims to know that, but he said that he wants to get there on his own terms, not on mine. He’s right, you know? He can only come to know the healing power of Jesus Christ by opening his own heart on his own free will. I know he might not be at that consensus when he comes home from rehab, but how long am I supposed to wait? What if this all goes down a third time? I don’t want to keep going in circles like this. I know that he isn’t half as bad as some of the drug addicts out there, but his stuff is more psychological and those other problems mixed with the drug addiction cause him to be very messed up and he will need years and years of therapy. It’s more frustrating that he has such a hard time getting jobs, and so I feel obligated to buy his gas, his food, and pay his bills. Then I lose money for things I’m saving for like a class trip across country. Like I’m going to miss all of this stuff and I’m going to eventually turn 30 and say, “wow I spent all of my 20’s taking care of a drug addict”. I’m so spiritually immature and torn. I feel like I should get out now but what in the world was the point then? Was this a consequence for marrying him even though I knew God wasn’t for the marriage in the first place? We had premarital sex and I knew he was into drugs, two reasons why we shouldn’t have gotten married. I’m 23 years old and I shouldn’t have married him two years ago. Are there any success stories out there?

  161. Wow has this helped me, Well im a wife and a mother of 8 children. Ive been married for 8 years but my husband and I been together for 10 years and out of 8 children he brought 1 and I brought 2 and we made five little one s together. my husband is so sweet and kind and that is his spirit, I know that it will only make it worse, and so I stay, my husband go out and smoke crack 3 times a month, and it use to be way worser, but since I have completely changed my life for the Lord, I have changed, I stopped so much worries of if he gonna change, and though I may cry or worry , give it 5 min when he goes, I soon turn around and give God some Praise and thank God for whats here and whats to come. This can be hard until u get use to it, I truly have notice a shift in my life since I put LESS STRESS IN HIS ADDICTION, God is freeing me, day by day, and I do believe and know that when my husband smokes that is not what god intened so Ill, continue to Walk by faith and not what I see, yes it, tough, yes it get hard, but being a mother of 7 children at home ages, 16,14,9,7,6,4,2, and working my own company and running our car business, while going to biblical college and getting my business degree, and still being the best wife at the same time. I choose to Follow Christ all the way and I know his plan is working out for my good, even whe n the enemy tell me its not.
    I pray this can encourage someone, because my husband has left again took my phone and probably sold it, but I WILL REJOICE ANYWAY, GLORY TO GOD, THANKS U JESUS

  162. i recognize the places you are referring to in the bible, but would have loved to see the actual references. I married 7 yrs ago to a man who i thought to be in early recovery.. I am clean and sober 21 yrs, 13 at the time. year n a half ago i was to discover he had been using (and all the other things that go with using) for about 5 years… i had been struggling to help him ‘work a program’ get him diagnosed and treated for mental health issues only to find out i had been decieved. he says he is clean now for 19 months.. i have no reason to believe fruit. he is not abusive, but my trust is gone..we are in counseling… but….alanon has taught me that my mere presence may be enabling him not to have to change and grow…this is not what i said ‘I do’ to.. we agreed on 3 foundational concepts for our marriage.. salvation, sobriety and healthy living.. i dont see fruit in any of these areas in his life, and it has stolen some of them from me. where would God have me to be?

  163. Sue, thank you for your reply. Since that Friday, my husband has been the nicest servant once could be, trying to meet every need he thinks I may have. I know this is nothing more than his guilt and an attempt to say that he is sorry w/o actually saying it.
    I had a talk with my youngest son last night to relieve him of thinking he needed to shelter me from knowing his dad was drinking again when he saw a bottle of crown in the back floorboard. He didn’t want to be the cause of me leaving his dad and doesn’t want me to leave. I tried to create a scenario that he would understand and I think it worked for him. I told him there is nothing he can do to change his dad and that at some point the only thing I may be able to do is leave. Told him one day he will marry and have children and his wife won’t want to bring her family to see drunk grandpa, or let her children stay where drunk grandpa stays. This affects me and my future too.
    I feel so stuck. The scariest thing in my mind is leaving because of the financial risk to myself since I’ve never worked outside our home. I have to completely reinvent myself.

  164. Kate, you have many, many sisters. Your story is my story. And if we stay in these toxic relationships long enough, not only are you not helping him, but you are hurting yourself and can even make yourself sick, very sick. I would know. Your children are also in harms way. And I know for a fact, children grow up wanting answers as to: “Why did you allow us to stay in such a harmful and destructive situation?” Kids have rights to, they have the right to live in peace, in a stable home, in a home where love is the motivator and not alcohol. Not fighting, not running, not hiding, not making demands, not anger, resentment, distrust and all the rest. Our kids deserve better and we must be the leaders in the home when the father disappears into a nightly stupor. Leave the bedroom and tell him “NO”. Addicts needs to hear “NO”. It may not stop their addiction, but it frees you up, not to have to climb into bed every night with the monster, who is no longer the man or men we once knew and married. You need to keep yourself strong and sane. Keep your kids happy and healthy and leave your husband to his own sad demise, which is what this is, a slow, horrible death, that we get to witness. But turn away, and turn to love and stay joyful and busy, doing what you love to do. Start yoga and meditation immediately, start reading and learn something new, go out and put your feet on the ground and go out into nature, change your diet, start taking supplements and making whey protein shakes. Love yourself and he will either stay stupid or smarten up. We are all together and we must support one another in words, if nothing else. Stay joyful!

  165. I realize this is an old thread, but I hope it is read nonetheless. I have been married for 22 years and have 2 biological and 2 adopted sons with my husband. Out of the 22 years he has had a serious drinking problem for at least 10 years, perhaps a little longer. This time last year I came out of my denial after I saw him mixing his alcohol with xanax. I don’t know how he could even drive home — I know, a terribly scary thought at the danger he placed others in on the roadways. From that moment on I didn’t allow my children to ride in the same car with him; it took him a few months to figure out that I wasn’t allowing him to pick them up or drive them anywhere at anytime, which my son’s were sadly grateful for. Unbeknownst to me, he had scared them many times before while driving them places. It has been so hard to tell when he has been drinking until he is behind the wheel. Things came to a head on Valentines day of 2014; I told him he was to either clean up or we were over. I’m not sure it dawned on him until that moment that he had a serious problem even though things had escalated to daily drunkenness. Crazy. Over the past few months he as been clean, trust has been re-established, but unfortunately, I began seeing some flags — flags I had hoped were my imagination. Then, last Friday he walked in the door from work drunk and tried to play it off that he was fine. He wobbled, he talked about weird things that didn’t make sense, my sons gave me “that look”, he tripped going to the bathroom…it’s embarrassing and very hurtful filling the entire family with shame. When my sons left to see a movie I asked him if he had been drinking and he responded by cursing me out with the ‘F’ word; that I must be “effing God”. I didn’t say another word for fear it would escalate.
    All of this to say, I’m torn. Valentines Day I told him I would leave if he didn’t clean up and here I am still here after he broke trust. My youngest son informed me that 2 months ago he saw a bottle of liquor in the back seat of his dads car; this corresponds with when I started seeing red flags.
    I’m at a loss for what to do. I’ve been a stay at home, home schooling mother for years. I do not have a college degree or work experience outside the home. I’m not a member of a church because we home church. I am a strong believer and know that divorce is NOT the unforgivable sin; as a matter of fact, God divorced Israel in the OT for her unfaithfulness and will not remarry her again until Christ returns. In my mind, my husband is unfaithful and his mistress is Crown Royal because he has placed her above his family and his God. My husband has a greater love than us.
    I don’t know what to do. I have been to Alanon but I honestly don’t get much from it. Just the reading of books in a circle and a hug here an there doesn’t help me solve the trouble I find myself in.
    Sorry for the length; any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

  166. Dear Sue, thank you so much for your info. I think I am going through a life changing episode at this moment. My husband is such a good man very gentle cannot hurt a fly, very loving and caring and yet he has a drug problem that seems to take control at this moment. He now admitted that we are at a crisis and that he needs to change his behavior. It is just so hard to let myself trust his because every time when I think we are at a happy place the drug temptation kicks in. I don’t want to give up on him. I have now reach a stage where my body is doing one thing and my mind is doing the opposite. I decided to concentrate on myself and the kids and let things unfold as they should and let God take control. He even told me that he is trying to do the right thing but the dealers nowadays even sends sms’ saying that he can get it for free and he needs to put some steps in place to fight against these temptations. I really hope and trust that we can have a good testimony to tell one of these days. God bless

  167. drug addication can happen for many causes,taking prescription drugs for pain. under year for pain plus s. s uffering with deep pression ‘ with no physical abuse,legal’.separation, not .divorce . divorce takes away needed medical support, legal separation can include,y, visitation right,s
    time re grow a for the pain go.

  168. Keith Urban is a success story, read his. He is married to Nicole Kidman and would have died had she not loved him through the worst and darkest part of his life. He is grateful for his new lease and his wonderful wife. I heard yesterday, that we must love these addicts and alcoholics as they are right were they are supposed to be. We each travel a different path of enlightenment and we cannot change the course of anyone’s life but our own. We can choose to allow our mates to right their own wrongs, and choose their own course, staying true to ourselves and not enabling their addictions by feeding them with our own futile anger, resentment and frustration. After 19 years, I have chosen to stay married to my recovering alcoholic, but steady user of pot, 24/7, almost. And though I am not thrilled and his behavior is less then stellar, my daughters love him unconditionally, knowing he has a disease and is powerless over it. They know he loves them because he provides for us and keeps our house in tip-top shape. He is not drinking, and sometimes he behaves like a dry-drunk, and our love life has suffered the consequences, I am not so turned on, but I chose obedience, not to him, but to myself, my children and God. I chose a path of less resistance, by allowing him to be the resistor. An addict’s path is the path they are on, they themselves, and though we may get the bumpy part of their ride, we can still have our own life and do our own thing and be a part of a healthy world, by keeping healthy friends and alliances around us, educating ourselves and learning that life doesn’t happen to us, it happens for us. Meaning we grow and evolve through every relationship, trial and tribulation. Positive stories are the stories where we don’t give up hope, we stay faithful and we know we are responsible for our own attitude and our own choices in life. Choose the righteous path!

  169. Just wanted to know if anyone has a positive story to tell of overcoming the situation and if the person who abuses the drugs/alcohol ever recovers and lives a healthy life with a happy marriage?

  170. My current wife (first wife just didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I was a jerk to her, she says) is an alcoholic. I knew it and believed it was behind her. I’ve never known an alcoholic so why would I not believe her. Ten days after our marriage, she was wasted and I had to take her to the ER.
    After two rehabs and promises and many successes, she’s back at it. I regret this marriage and the lies and secrets it has. I can’t figure out this one Lord. What do I do? I wish I had not married her but I know your will is first.

  171. Recently I have restored my faith in God because of my husband’s quest to find him. This past Palm Sunday 2014 my husband wanted to go to church to give him strength to stay sober he wanted me and our daughter to participate in this quest to learn more about God’s word and Jesus’s example for us. Therefore I do not have a lot of experience with the Bible but I am learning. (We were Catholic born and raised and went to parochial school)

    So here is our backstory we have been married for 17 years and have a 14 year old daughter throughout our marriage my husband has had two DUI’s, several close calls where one night I had to pack up our at the time young daughter take her out on a cold winter snowy night to try to find him. He was in a ditch in which the local farmer was able to call me to come and get him in fact saving him from being in trouble with the law and most importantly not dying from freezing to death! (Farmer=Angel on earth) That time he promised to quit drinking, it last a few months. For the next several years he was on and off the wagon. Finally after loosing our home to foreclosure and bankruptcy we are currently living with a friend that promoted the party lifestyle once again.

    Now in the present he went to church and I love our new church as well as our daughter and what seem to be the ticket to recovery with our daily prayers and devotionals for some reason my husband is now off the wagon and drinking several times a week and driving while intoxicated. Now I am facing the dilemma of being a new Christian and trying to apply the word into my decision on how to handle this situation. I am truly in turmoil over what is right. I LOVE my husband for he is truly a good provider and loves his family the best way he knows how but at a crossroads when it comes to my obligation to protect my self from the consequences of his actions.

    When I say consequences I am worried about legal and criminal consequences of the worst case scenario when it comes to drinking and driving, killing of an innocent person. I could be held accountable and in the long run could affect my daughter’s future! Would God want me to put my daughter in this situation?

    In a few short weeks I have been praying for answers to these questions and in the mean time I have done research and have an up coming consult for legal advice on how I can protect myself without divorce perhaps a legal separation to keep my marriage. Will be seeking advice from our pastor but I have not ruled out the divorce option but I will do all I can to try to save it!

    In conclusion what posts I’ve read have been all about what scripture and God’s word wants but no one has ever mention the impact on the public and the legal and moral obligation to protect the innocent from the actions of addicts. As a wife of an alcoholic I can no longer enable him to do this anymore without feeling guilty of putting others in harms way. However I believe God will speak to my heart and guide me through the Holy Spirit. Any thoughts about this perspective or suggestions.

  172. Hi everyone long time,I commented on this last year january ..Things are still the same ,my husband drinks Alcohol every single day ,smokes weed and does not even have a job ,we have a 1 year ols son and I am the provider ..I am tired ,I am sick and i want to call it quits ..I am tired of hoping for the better ..I cant anymore. i am still young,I am only 26 but the stress and oppression i have went through is unbearable..

  173. I filed for divorce yesterday. I have been praying on this matter since 5-3-2014, the day I discovered my husband was a meth addict and also that he was sleeping with his dealer. He came clean about the drugs but not about his sexual activity. This is truly the devil’s drug as they say. I can’t even begin to tell you how heartbreaking this has been for me and my children. My husband truly is the only man I have ever truly loved. I still love him today, but I’ve realized I have to do what’s best for my children and I, and it’s taken me awhile to build up the confidence and self esteem to make this decision. I love the Lord and know that all of this is part of his plan and that he will do what’s necessary for my family so that he may be glorified in the end. Thank you Lord for the pain and suffering I’ve experienced so that I may become closer to you. Please God be with my husband always Lord he is a good man, just so lost and confused. Reveal yourself to him Lord I beg you. I rebuke Satan and his lies to all of us and my husband, I know he can be restored cause you made us in your likeness Lord. Please hear my cry and my pain. Thank you for all you have done in our lives to keep us safe during this process Lord. Please help me Lord find the right job so that I may serve you. I pray for all of you on this page that there may be healing and restoration in your lives.

  174. I finally left him. I post to this blog almost a year ago. Since then anything that could have happen did. After all this time, I could not do it anymore. I left in January. We were only married 2 short years and I was separated from him most of the 2nd year. I knew I could not live like this. I tried to get him help, I tried counseling, rehab, church. He would be good for a month or so and then the same thing again. He like several other spouses in this blog liked the pills. I read these post and just want you all to know you are not alone. As you can tell from everyone who has posted on here we all have a choice to make. Is Drug abuse grounds for a Christian divorce? I believe yes. Once the trust is gone its time to move on. God does not want you unhappy. He blesses us everyday with life. I fought with the decision for awhile and decided that I was going to be happy. My husband does not love me enough to stop. You may say he has an addiction and can’t help himself. Well I say BULL. You tell me one person who does not find the strength when they need it. When it really matters they find the strength. My husband never did. He even told me his pills were more important to him then I would ever be. Please find the strength. You will be so much happier. If he or she does not want to change then you must change for them and leave. If I can do it I know anyone else can. I let my husband control me. I found my inner strength with the help of family and friends. I can not tell you how HAPPY I am now. I feel so free. Its a good feeling. I will pray for you all to make the decision that will in the long run make you happy. Bless you all.

  175. This blog has become an entity onto itself. The cost we will pay to stay with our spouses in the midst of such utter mayhem and self-destruction playing out in front of our children is mind boggling. As we watch the abuse of an NFL star against his wife, we are aghast and can’t stand it, pointing fingers, laying blame, Yet, we stay in the same scenario. This kind of behavior is nothing short of abuse, abuse to us wives, and husbands, abuse to the children and the family, abuse to the community, the schools and on and on. We must get strong. Detach with love and let go of the abuser. We may not choose to leave our homes, as I stay in mine, but I chose to communicate with the children as to why I left the bedroom and stay joyful and happy. If you only understand that you are being abused, maybe you will leave. I am telling you this is abuse, mental, emotional and physical. It will make you sick and you may go crazy dealing with the addict. His or her insanity will bring on your own, if you do not detach and let go. You must not be in denial and you must on be co dependent toward your abuser. You must take and keep safe all that is sacred for yours and your children’s well-being. If you are financial able to handle your own affairs and he is not contributing, then he must be asked to leave. If you are putting your children in the middle of this nightmare, they will pay the price, trust me. My seventeen year old writes about her fear and the pain of living with an alcoholic father. Thanks to his irresponsibility, she now lives with the memories of having him dragged out of here on a stretcher and put into rehab. She was so sad and her memories are vivid. I curse him for this, but he doesn’t care about the scars he has left on me or the kids. This is one of the or is the most selfish disease there is. Addiction is a living, breathing, satanic, nightmare, and I doubt God thinks we deserve to stay.

  176. What factors come in to play when the alcoholic is also a believer? He will pray one day and go to church and later that day, the “itch” over comes him and he has the first drink and doesn’t stop until he can’t walk anymore.

  177. Thank you for your thoughts. I have been searching for answers on this topic. My husband of 12 years is a drug addict and i feel trapped. We have 3 children and one on the way but he denies it his. Hes promised so many times he will get help and change but it never lasts. Its emotionally exhausting and i just dont know what to do anymore.

  178. I do agree. I have tried so hard from my husband to stop taking drugs. I have even made sure that he has no money even for cigarettes. If he wants them i buy them but now hes lying to his father to get money and he takes money out of my purse. Hes arrested so many times. He lies so much. I have health issues and i may have something wrong with my heart. Instead of going with me to the doctor’s and to work he went and bought drugs with the money he took from me. I have no one to talk to about this. Im so alone in all this. And it does hurt physically,psychologically and mentally. I dont know what to do. I dont believe in divorce but i cant live like this. It will be 2 years next month. Any advice?

  179. My husband has an addiction to pills, lortab, phenteramine, strattera…. Anything he can get his hands on. He is a compulsive liar and is stealing the pills. He has taken pills from friends, family, neighbors, he goes into their homes when they are not there and gets them. He has became more desperate and went into a neighbors house when they were there and got caught. Charges were filed, but he was never arrested. He went to treatment a year and a half ago at a Christian based facility, was sober for maybe 6 months. At this current time he is in treatment again. I filed for divorce, signed the papers and then freaked and told my lawyer to hold off. We have two kids and I still love him. I’m going to try and go to the facility he is at and do counseling with him and other family members. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust him again. But the thought of divorcing seems right one day and wrong the next. I’m so confused!! Help!

  180. My husband and i are new christians and both have been married previously. I discovered yesterday that he is under investigation for drug trafficking and I have reason to suspect this is true. i have five children who live at home with me and I refuse to live that lifestyle. I also dont want to be a Christian who “sits on the fence” either. I love our church and all our blessings. I also will not choose a man over my children. I am not sure what to do at this point. I’m at a spiritual empasse here.

  181. I have read most of the comments and can relate fully to most of the unjust unrighteousness ungodly treatment that most of the victims have been subjected to. I need the Scripture ref in the Bible for limiting togetherness for the sake of binding evil PLEASE!!!! This will free me and help me move forward towards my destiny in Christ. The greatest LlE of the enemy fr my children’s father ( he has never been a husband) is that I am allowing the enemy to have his way when I sleep in s separate room let alone leave the home ( which is on my name and paid for by me). This scripture will be a key to unlock more than thirty years of torture and imprisonment. Thank you and may every victim begin to enjoy the John 10:10 life and become VICTORS in Jesus name.

  182. Hi. Ok, I’m just going to put this out there, mainly because I’m hurting soooo bad, do not know who I can talk to anymore (except my little ones) and their ears will never hear this stuff from me.
    First and for most, yes I want to admit I have dealt with addiction to pills off and on for years. I know, I sound like I’m worthless like my husband feels, and he feels like giving up. I am a born again believer in Jeiua Christ, I DO have a relationship with HIM! I have done the rehabs, 12 step prgrama. Meetings. And very activitiy it our church .my husband is a good man, for the most part he is a “baby Christian. I by no means am I putting him down! I want our marriage to LAST! I’m torn! Even when I’m not having to take medicine he is degrading me about the house not being spotless and SOOO many things I don’t do right But to top it off he had a motorcycle acidwnt MANY years ago, bf I knew him. This caused him to have to have a hip fusion and will be in tremendous pain, seems as on know for life. Because the doctors say they can’t fix the problem. anyway, my pint is he is on STRONG medicine, I feel it affects how he treats so many others. Especially verbally. Plus he will not admit he has anger SEVERE anger issues! Sorry to vent. Just need some advice. My babies are my life. Thank tou for listening

  183. Addicts use our good will against us and their best interests. Enabling because of a codependency we have is not the answer. Until they feel the weight of their addition they cannot stop ever. My wife left us when I needed her most. She is an addict. I adore her and miss her every second of everyday. But I can’t let her destroy herself and our kids. Giving her things. Helping her. All makes what she is doing easier to do. So I am damned to hell every second of every day instead of being with my love.

    It breaks my heart.

  184. My name is Melissa Pints from USA My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship.

  185. I believe it is good to try and stay in step with the Holy Spirit in your bad situation. I tried to remain in prayer and obedience to Christ through the duration of my marriage to drug addict. I would often hear the Lord ask me to stay and be patient. I was hoping my lifestyle would draw him to Christ. Well after years of dishonesty, no real regard for me, and all the emotional torment the Lord finally showed me a vision of me in a prision cell and I was crippled I saw the door open and I heard him say I RELEASE YOU. I know he released me into a season of separation, healing and freedom. I also know before I went to court for my divorce I could hear him telling me he could restore my marriage and by that point I wasn’t interested and had a hard heart toward him. God forgives us of our many mistakes on this earth… when I think back and want to feel guilty over my decision…. He tells me thing like… I lay it not to your charge…don’t look back… keep moving….he is in my care now… and many more assurances of His Mercy.

  186. I will love to share my testimony to you all the people in world. I got married to my husband about 2 years ago we start having problems at home like we stop sleeping on the same bed, fighting about little things. He always comes home late at night, drinking too much and sleeping with other women outside. I have never loved any man in my life except him. He is the father of my child and I don’t want to loose him because we have worked so hard together to become what we are and have today.

  187. I believe adultery is grounds for divorce and you should get out if you or your children are in physical danger. But when we get married we promise to stay to together in sickness and in health and for better or worse. Isn’t the whole premise of Christianity about unconditional love and forgiveness? I am married to an alcoholic and when he’s drunk he acts like a child and he is sometimes mean but he’s impaired and how can I say I love him if I leave hime like that. The Bible says our husbands can be won over by our gentle spirit. I get told all of the time my husband has free will and I understand that but God can cause all sorts of things to happen to break people and change them. He tells me if I believe what I pray I will receive it and He tells me nothing is impossible for Him. Yes, my life stinks sometimes but I believe God delivers and He will set me free in His time. He will finish the good work He started in my husband and He can soften a hardened heart .So with so much of the Bible telling that at anytime things can shift in my favor I am not ready to give up yet.

  188. My husband and I have been married for 21 years……ugh, sort of. We were divorced for four years, and reconciled four years ago but never actually remarried. Ever since we reconciled here been telling me that he stopped smoking weed, but I always catch him in a lie. I am getting weary and had a little emotion towards him. He also drinks and hides the bottles, but he thinks I’m crazy for thinking that he drinks too much. We have two boys one in high school and one in middle school….. just compound things he doesn’t provide for our family. He constantly works and business opportunities that are not fruitful, well I struggle to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. So frustrated and worn out…..

  189. Dear Bubbles,
    FIrst and foremost, So very happy that you have accepted the Lord as your Savior! You are free from the condemnation of the world, your are forgiven for your sins, past present and future. You are loved with a supernatural love by a Father who is indescribably magnificent! He Loves You! He’s Crazy about you! and He is here every moment of every day for you. I’ve read your post a couple of times and feel led to write to you. I’m sorry that your husband has not honored you in your marriage. Is he a Christian? Your husband has abandon your marriage, and he has committed adultery resulting in another child who apart from the Grace of God will be affected by his unhealthy lifestyle and behaviors. Both children will grow up with a distorted view of the Scriptural picture of a Godly Husband and Father and Man of God. I’m sorry, Sister that your church forbids divorce. That is NOT scriptural. If you need, I would be happy to explain more about what God says about divorce and why, as well as what Jesus says about marriage and divorce. Your husband is to treat you like Christ treats the Bride of Christ which is the Church (the Church refers to us. the Believers, the Children of Christ. The Body of CHrist.)
    Yes, Scripture says God Hates Divorce, it also says there are seven things that He DETESTS:
    Bear with me here, God’s Word is very clear :
    The book of Proverbs is all about wisdom versus foolishness. Proverbs 26:25 says, speaking of the foolish person who rejects wisdom, “When he speaks graciously, do not believe him, For there are seven abominations in his heart.” A person who does not fear God does not have understanding, does not walk in righteousness, and has no regard for the truth. He may be pleasant, well-mannered, polite, gracious, and an interesting communicator, but the fool is full of deceit, holding seven abominations in his heart. Proverbs 6:16-19 explains what these abominations are, these seven things that God hates:

    “There are six things which the LORD hates, Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, And hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that run rapidly to evil, A false witness who utters lies, And one who spreads strife among brothers.”

    First of all, God hates haughty eyes. Haughty implies lifting or exalting oneself up, pride, arrogance, and being consumed with self. Haughtiness is driven by a disdain for others, an attitude of superiority, and a confidence in self corresponding to a lack of trust in God. Haughty is like Nebuchadnezzer looking over the kingdom which he claims he had built all by himself only to be given the mind of a beast so God could humble him (Daniel 4:28-37). Humility is the antithesis of haughtiness, for when we are humble, we care about others, we thank God for His provisions, we refuse to exalt ourselves, and we acknowledge God in all things (Proverbs 3:5-6). God hates haughty eyes that look down on others and refuse to look up to God.

    Second, God hates a lying tongue. Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44), so it makes sense that God hates lying. Lying may seem like a trivial sin as compared to murder or adultery, but God does not view lying as trivial. He hates it. Lying makes love impossible, truth difficult to find, and relationships awfully hard to sustain. Lying breaches trust and creates an island out of a person. Lying to gain an advantage or to avoid harm only harms others. Those who are given to lying are likely also given to some other pattern of sin that they must lie to conceal. Liars use people; they don’t love them. Lying will lead us downward faster than we can imagine. The truth, on the other hand, will instantaneously set us free (John 8:31-32).

    Third, God hates hands that shed innocent blood. God hates unjust wars, He hates murder, and **He hates it when we don’t do what we can to intervene and protect the innocent life. God hates laws that don’t protect the innocent and those who cannot defend themselves. God hates those who corrupt themselves so severely that the consequences of their own actions lead to untold suffering for others**. God wants people, churches, and nations who live with integrity and who can be beacons of hope for others, standing on behalf of the innocent. The fool cares not for the innocent life, but he will do whatever it takes for his own convenience and selfish gain.

    Fourth, God hates a heart that devises wicked plans. It is one thing to engage in doing evil things, but God hates it when we even think about doing evil. He wants our thought lives to be honoring to Him, seeking His will and His kingdom, rather than plotting a way to do something wrong. We can avoid doing a lot of wrong things if we can avoid thinking about wrong things to begin with.

    Fifth, God hates feet that run rapidly to evil. As believers, we have the capacity in Christ to choose the way of escape that He provides so that we need not give in to sin’s lure (1 Corinthians 10:13). We need to be those who fight the devil and resist Him by faith (Ephesians 6:10-13). The fool runs to evil at each and every opportunity given to him. He does not think about the consequences or about God’s will. We need to be like God, hating evil, rather than running fast to do it.

    Sixth, God hates a false witness who utters lies. God already said that He hates lying and a lifestyle that spurns the truth and is totally untrustworthy. Here, He says that He hates those who say false things about other people. We need to be those who testify to what is true about God, His Word, and about others. False witnesses who wrongly defame the reputation of others are a great evil in God’s sight. We need to be careful of who we endorse lest we, thinking we are witnessing for the truth, are witnessing for what is false.

    Seventh, God hates one who spreads strife among brothers. Hatred and division can develop in both families and in the family of God when just one person makes life miserable for others. We can spread strife by picking fights, by lying, by tempting, by teasing, and by just being difficult and having a bad attitude. Some people prefer contention and combat rather than peace and harmony. God’s will for His body, the church, is peace as much as depends upon us (Romans 12:18). The fool could care less about peace, creating interference and interruption for the work of God. God hates this type of attitude and action because of how massively destructive and distracting it can be.

    From you story, my sister, your husband fits into all the criteria above. In addition, he has abandon you marriage to his addictions and adultress behavior.

    Our merciful Lord, our Abba Father does not intend for you to remain in a marriage where continued abuse, abandonment and adultery live.
    I’m sorry that you are part of a congregation that does not teach the grace and mercy of God.
    God will not hate or punish you if you need to leave your marriage.Your situation is not ‘frivolous’ difference or change of heart. It sounds like you have been faithful to your vows and Scripture and your husband is refusing to get help. This is devastating to the children as well.
    I am so thankful you have come to Christ. It is in Him you can stand firm. I lovingly suggest you find another congregation to grow in the Love, Grace, Truth and Mercy of our Heavenly Father. Your church may be telling you that you cannot get a divorce. But that’s not what God is saying. Your church may have their own rules punishing or penalizing those of divorce, but that is NOT what our Abba Father says. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am NOT PRO DIVORCE. I believe in the Holy Scriptures and I don’t believe in picking and choosing out of it for convenience. But the bottom line is it is God you have to talk to. It is He who will give you HIS peace about your decision. As difficult as it is, do not be influenced by other’s judgments and condemnation.
    God will instruct you without WITHOUT condemnation. He is a God of compassion and understanding, of mercy and grace and unconditional love of you, of your husband, of your children. His love never changes. For ANY OF US. You are not choosing to consider divorce out of rebellion and disobedience.
    Bubble, I’m so very thankful you came to Christ. I know this is not easy ( I do know, by experience) I was blessed to have Godly counsel and Pastors to help me with my thoughts of guilt and disappointment. But, that is not God’s nature. He loves you my dear Sister.
    Spend time in the Psalms, read Psalms 92 over and over. Find joy in our Lord, talk with him constantly. Ask him for His Will to be revealed very clearly to you. HE will provide an answer for you Bubbles and you will feel NO CONDEMNATION or GUILT. You will feel compassion for your husband, you will pray for his healing while you wait to hear from Father God, you will pray for him while you are make your decision based on God’s word to you. Be still. Stand firm. Sing praises to Him. Thank Him that he hears your prayers. Then wait. God is faithful. He WILL show you what to do. I have often prayed, “Lord, I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on you” 2 Chronicles 20:12 He IS faithful.
    But while you commune with our Lord, it is important that you protect you and your child from the abuse and abandonment. Seeking legal separation is Scriptural and I would encourage you to at least consider takng that step. It doesn’t have to lead to divorce, and in fact, it may be a wake up call to your husband. But you must make solid, firm, unwavering, healthy boundaries for both you and your child for both of your emotional health. I’m so sorry to hear about the condemnation from your church. Remember, Remember, Remember, 1Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.…Romans 8:1-2
    I will keep you in my prayers Bubbles and your child and husband as well.
    I will also be praying that our Lord brings faithful people to you who will not pass judgement but will pray with you during this trial.
    I hope to hear from you again. God Bless you and your marriage Bubbles.
    Love in Christ,

  190. I want to say that I have been married 31 years, and have been dealing with my husbands addiction to one substance right after another our entire marriage. I have struggled tremendously because there is among believers to some degree this silent expectation that one stay married because God hates divorce. I agree with God, I hate it too. I hate that the person I committed my life to doesn’t have the same committment level as I do and has lied, even recently admitted to me that he had an affair while he was in another state for his job, and while that was 20 years ago, my heart is crushed. My house has been raided by drug task force in 2005, my husband took an unintentional overdose on xanax to keep from being arrested after he was pulled over by the police in our town for reckless driving in 2009. As recently as two weeks ago i went out to his car just to see if we needed to put gas in it and found a bottle of vicodin not prescribed to him. As I have been packing winter clothes away and getting summer stuff out I have found numerous emply pill bottles, some of which have a label with the name crossed out or scraped off. My husband admitted to getting some pills “from a woman he and his mother play cards with” and has no idea why I kicked him out! In addition to all of this the cardiologist tells me i have to reduce my stress!!! I absolutely love my job and the people i work for, I have only one stressor, my husband and years of living with his unwillingness to make any lasting changes. The drug addicts lifestyle is horrifically selftish, self centered and filled with lies and manipulation. His years of addiction are beginning to adversely affect my health mainly because it has been unresolved for so long! i finally made the decision to file for a divorce, I refuse to continue in this another day! This decision has been heartwrenching, however, I must move forward!!!

  191. I’ve been married for two years. I knew she drank and had problems. I never experienced alcoholism in my life, so what could I look for? How long does this last? I drank and stopped in one day, because I chose to stop 16 years ago . Never been back. We married and ten days later she was in a rehab for a month, then the true facts came out. Back and forth, lying , excuses. More drinking, more therapies. AA meetings and inappropriate contacts with men at these clinics. No sex (I think) just friendships that crossed the line. Men inviting her for “sober weekend getaways” and her denial or ignorance of what was going on. Protecting them and making excuse for them, rather than telling me the truth. Now she is taking my old pain pills. I live on edge and fear every day. My marriage is sexless and is simply an existence. I saw the signs and ignored them, thinking they would all miraculously be gone one day. I pray and see a few things go well them I find a new deception, a new occasion that was kept from me. There is no trust and no happiness. I know God hates divorce. I stay because God tells me to. That is my human selfishness talking. I try to see His reason for this. I wish I could go back and never be married, but life does not work like that. To live in distrust and fear of your own spouse is awful. It’s not the bad that I hate, it’s the lying and the deception. A trust less marriage is torment.

  192. Trust is the foundation that marriage and relationship rests upon, but when that bond is broken, it often remains that way.A spouse can forgive, but that painful experience will lurk in the offended spouse’s mind not wanting to let down its guards for fear that it could happen again,It’s never easy when a marriage or significant relationship ends, Whatever the reason for the split and whether you wanted it or not the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are plenty of things you can do to avert such difficult time and make the family reunion stronger again so to as to avert divorce and a broken relation,You can even learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

  193. The counsel I received from a pastor was similar he said to persevere. My husband continues to be irresponsible and reckless around my teenage grandchildren and younger grandchildren. I never know when I come home with them if the house will smell like marijuana. I have cried, begged and even compromised with him and nothing works. I continue to pray daily, hourly about this issue. I just feel myself become more and more distant from him. In addition to the marijuana he is taking a few pain medications daily for his back. Clearly he has a view addictions going here. I find myself fighting being so sad all the time unless I am serving at the church. He has lied to me so many times and my trust for him now is almost zero. We tried marriage counseling but the counselor asked that we put the drug issue on the back burner and work on communication first. He stopped going after second visit because he felt the counselor must not have had a problem with the marijuana otherwise she would not have tabled it. We have been married 24 years and he is 71 years old. We are both retired and no money worries. How sad is this at this time in our life? I pray for direction and clarity on this matter.

  194. I am a youth minister and got married @ 27yrs. Ld my husband was only 22yrs. Old. He lied goin into r marriage. Was kind, sweet, compassionate and everything u could think of in a man but all along he was dibbing in drugs and I never new it. After 6mo. Into r marriage he became this lying decieving monster. I then eventually came to christ about 5yrs ago. Now I minister for the gospel of Jesus Christ. Me and my husband has been seperated for 56rs now he says he doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t try to make it work for r marriage either. He plays games still, says he loves toget high on drugs, doesn’t tae respnsiblities for nothing or r child,had another child outside of r marriage and I still was tryin to work it out all becuz the church doesn’t believe in divorce, they also won’t elevate you in title if you divorce I won’t become a higher minister due to tilteship if I get a divorce which I as it makes you feel discusting or in the wrong for getting one. I think there is grounds for a divorce when you have faought for your marriage with fasting anf praying, stayin faithful doin what the bible says and yet no action from the spouse with improvement. I desire to b a wife and perform my wifely duties as a wife to a husband. I’m in this all alone and I desire companionship and have been for almost 6yrs now and nothing in return I’m getting older and so is my children and I don’t wana be married any longer to a man that won’t turn from his wicked ways and yet still having the love of drugs and adultery. Help has been all around him and yet he refuses to receive it so I jus don’t theink its fair to be any longer in this marriage I want out unless God performs a miracle.

  195. My last comment was a page written from my heart, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit to purge my emotions. I am speaking to all the young men and women stuck in relationships of either addiction, alcoholism or abuse, GET OUT. Very few addicts change, even after sobriety. They just become dry addicts, still abusive, always craving, and always ranting and raving. Their brains are wired differently and the chemical changes that occur from long-term abuse are permanent for the most part. After almost 20 years, and putting every effort into raising three great kids, I am coming to the point where it would be best to fend for myself and put this relationship behind me. It is now making me physically sick, and for the past five years, my health is deteriorating from the stress and emotional upheaval. Last month my husband was arrested for pushing me into our back door. And once again, I pleaded for the DA to let him go. There is no sanity in living with insanity and the manipulation and unrest of addiction. Thank God, I have been strong and reliant on the Lord to guide me and with his Grace and eternal Love, I have the courage, the wisdom and the strength to face each day with new hope and renewed Faith. And I owe it all to Him. I may not divorce, but I may separate myself from the evil trappings of addiction. Please, if you are young and have the chance make the right to decision for yourself and your children, get help, get hope and get out. But first seek Him, He has the answers. If I had followed my intuition and what I knew I did not want to be married to, an addict, I would never have married in the first place. Single is safer and saner than marriage to someone who will never love you wholly and completely, cause the drink and the drug will always take a front seat, always.

  196. Addiction to pain kill for about 6yrs has been a nightmare just when I think I’ve broken the hold I started again. I am seeing counsel for this, from abandonment as a child to abuse my life has been in torment. It has lead to me being insecure and clingy and trying to mask the hurt with pain killers my wife has been there but is very tiers God bless her,I LOVE HER very much I am on the right road now I just pray she holds on a little longer. I know I’ll be worth it, I’ve started ready my bible( which have had for a couple yrs but never really read) from my heart. With God by my side I will make this happen and make my marriage what god intended total commitment.

  197. Well as a child of god I have some faults my wife puts up with many things and I her. From back injure addiction to pain killers from me to adultery from her. I have forgiven her several times I love her better or worse. For me and my addiction I’m am continually

  198. After being divorced from an alcoholic for six years, I was pleased to find some Christ-centered insight. I still struggle daily with my divorce. I have two children, ages 11 (boy) and 8 (girl). My kids were very young when my alcoholic (ex) husband started verbally/emotionally abusing me, and in some instances, physically abusing me.
    I could not get any help with the abuse while I remained married or even living with my (ex) husband. I had been calling a local domestic violence shelter and I attended classes on domestic violence. I thought if I could, as a new mom, learn more parenting skills, I’d be better able to handle raising two young kids within an alcoholic/abusive home. The parenting class leader is the person who helped me realize I was in fact not living in “normal” conditions and she pointed me to all the red flags in my marriage.
    As a new mother with no emotional support and no money, I delayed leaving my spouse, even after I stayed at a shelter for two weeks in 2007. Legal aid did step in and help me because my then husband served me with divorce papers when I was in the shelter. We tried to work on reconciliation for almost two years. I only wanted my husband to quit drinking, I told him I could deal with anything else. I could not handle the verbal/mental abuse, I could not handle finding him passed out every evening, I could not handle him urinating on the bed and couch daily. It was hard to be a confident new mom with all this going on, he did not reassure me, I could not help him either.
    God gave me and my children patience, for we dealt with the drinking and abuse for many years. My divorce was final in 2008 and I’ve worked full-time for almost 5 years and own a home. Ex paid support steadily until the past few months, so it is a little harder to make ends meet but I never had to live a sinful life to support my kids. My point is, if you stay, God will be with you and your kids, though your husband may not support you or keep bills paid. If you leave, God is also with you, you husband may pay support, but God will be with you also to enable you to live right and take care of your kids. You may be better off mentally without the abuse. Be brave, do not make decisions based solely on comfort, for in abusive homes, there is always discomfort. Discomfort in the abuse if you stay, discomfort if you become a single parent because it is also much work.

  199. Hello everyone, I have not commented on this post since June, so things have happened since that time. I allowed my spouse to come back home in July, and I thought he was going to follow through with sobriety after accepting Christ. He started out going to church, taking the antabuse, being real nice and it was almost hopeful, and once again, the floor fell through. He was not attending any AA meetings, started isolating in the basement again, old attitudes and behaviors towards us. Then one day I noticed he smelled of alcohol. I started “searching” old behavior for me, and low and behold, found his bottle. Then he made excuses..will never happen again..etc. His drinking started coming back from what I thought was some recovery. Then I looked at his checking statements and he never quit drinking while we were separated, it was all a lie. He had stops at liquor stores, bars, etc listed on the statements. When I confronted him about it, he got angry, packed his bags and left. So, here I am again alone and contemplating divorce this time as I still suffer from depression and anxiety and what happened with him this time around only put me back at square one with my mental issues and the kids are heart-broken again. I still take care of my elderly mother and she is upset about what my spouse is doing to us and has been doing. Now I am at the fork in the road. Since my spouse has left, he has not talked to me much and when he does it is usually because he wants something. I am so tired of it all as I have to pick up the pieces…again….and clean up the messes he has made every time he does this to us.

  200. Dear Veronica,
    I am sorry to hear of your situation.
    One year ago this month I found my husband of 8 months was having and affair, supporting the other person, hiding his finances, she was in complete control of all his finances. Doing meth and drinking, and lying.
    Because I had heard ‘rumors’ of his drug use previous to this, I asked him point blank and he lied to me. I believed my husband. I was later told by someone who truly knew the truth after he witnessed my distress over some of my husband’s behaviors. He still denied it. When I found out about the affair (while I was leaving for church that morning) In disbelief, I offered him the choice of calling her in front of me and calmly advising they have had an inappropriate relationship and it has ended. (she was also HIS bookkeeper) If he chose not to do that he had to leave our home. He chose to leave. 3 days later he asked if he could come back. As hard as it was I learned a lot in those three days. God revealed to me the truth of what has been going on in our marriage and his life. The story is too long to type out here, but it is now a year later, I still will not let him come home. After a year of more lies regarding getting clean of EVERYTHING harmful to our marriage I gave him one and only one condition. Check into a rehab and when / if he completes it successfully, only then will I consider counseling for reconciliation. He argued he didn’t need that. I kept my one and only boundary and told my Pastor and his that was my one and only condition. He can choose to go and try to redeem himself or he can choose not to go and therefore end our marriage. I told him I have nothing but time and it is his decision. He will have to be responsible for his action. A month later, the day my father passed away, after he came to my father’s house to say good-bye to him and promise to take care of me, he went on a binge of alcohol and meth and ended up on the side of the road at 4am pinned in his truck in a one car wreck. It was a very difficult situation for me not to just walk away from our marriage. I decided I would stay by original one condition and added that he may not contact me at all until from inside a treatment center. The courts charged him to go to an outpatient treatment center so he HAS to do that. He is in the middle of that program right now. I am also getting councell for all the trauma of the past year. I have stayed close to God because everybody else in this wolrd has their own opinion. But God knows the truth. I know that God is for marriage. I believe that He and He alone will let me know if it is wise to return to my marriage. Cut yourself off from your husband. Give him a choice and make him responsible for his own decisions. It is hard, but it is worth it. You must emotionally detach from him and he must feel that detachment. Continue to pray for him. Do not check in with him. God does NOT want you in THAT marriage. He did not intend this for you. Call the police if he comes over. Make sure he knows he’s not to contact you or come near you until he is inside a treatment center. Stand firm and watch the deliverance of your Lord. Be patient. Have Faith in our God.
    P>S. this is not my first marriage either. It will be a long road, it has been and will continue to be for me as well, when and if he completes his class, there will be many many issues we will need to work through. If you are up to that and believe that God is for you and him maybe you should pray about it. Pls let me know if you have any questions or I can help sister. I love you! in Christ’s powerful name.

  201. Im 34 yrs old i was divorced from my 1st marriage because of infidelity and physical and mental abuse we shared two kids. Then 10 yrs later re married and had 2 kids ages 1 and 2 yrs my husband is addicted to meth and refuses to believe it he is mentally emotionally and occasionally physically abusive im not a practicing christian anymore but still strongly believe in the bible and Jesus christ ive been so confused because some family members say no divorce i agree with that but only because i dont want that i love him so much but i know hes hurting me and my kids with his addiction more so because hes in such denial. Weve lost our home car money i live with my sister now he comes and goes good for 2 wks gone for 4 days getting high. For the last 6 mo its been like this. So u conclusion i agree with divorce but only if you truly want it but then again that could be my flesh speaking . If u can offer your advice feel free

  202. I have not been on here for awhile, life seems to be getting in the way with three kids and a full time job, but I was catching up on reading and felt compelled to post an update. My husband is back in treatment again at a facility about an hour from here that deals with dual diagnosis patients, which is what the Christian facility did not have he was at last year. They will be testing him tomorrow to get an accurate DX and hopefully be put on some medication. My DX? PTSD and maybe bi polar but we will see what they say. He is 12 days clean now and we are separated, have been since Nov. 2012. I am supporting his recovery that he is chosen again and I am realistic that it can take multiple times at treatment before an addict can “get it”. Yes, God can heal anyone in an instant, if He so chooses. However, the simple fact is that most people are not healed this way and they need to make a commitment to a different way of life. We all know God does not want our loved ones to live this way, we also know He gives all of us free will to choose whether we want to listen to Him or not. The longer a person uses, the more disconnected they are with God and others. I know my husband has a long road ahead of him in his recovery and I have not decided if I will allow him to return home after treatment or not, but I know that God is watching over all of us and that He will guide me. There is a reason why we are NOT divorced at this point and that when my husband had the chance to request this he did not show up to court. Continue to seek the Lord, continue to love the person that is addicted but still set boundaries for the behaviors that you will and will not be able to accept.

  203. Hi all. I am not sure if I have updatd about where I am with life. So I am now a registered Nurse and work for a very big hospital. I still live with my mom and sisters and daughters, which is really getting tiresome. I have been sleeping on my mothers couch for 3 yrs. I have a King size bed in a storage unit. Yikes. I know. I filed for a divorce from the addict I married back in may, after my kids told me a story about their father taking them to a really bad neighborhood. He said he needed to pick up a set of keys. But I know it was to buy his beloved CRACK.. I literally filed for divorce the next day. I was separated for almost 3 years. I really wanted to give him a chance and I did. He chose his drug over and over and over and over again. He is now living in downtown detroit with a relative. I have told him some very raw stuff, mostly boiling down to your gonna end up dead. He is still chasing the drug. I give up. Today would have been my 11 year aniversary. I get to sit and sulk and deal with the pain. I cant express it to anyone here, or they will just judge me and say that I am pathetic. So I share with you all. ALLOW ME TO SAY THAT I REALLY THOUGHT THIS MAN WOULD CLEAN UP AND BE WELL. THAT HE DESIRED A NORMAL HAPPY LOVING FAMILY AS MUCH AS I DID. I WAS SO WRONG, AND I STILL CANT BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED. DR. STEVE TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON MOVING FWD, WHAT TO SAY TO MY DAUGHTERS WHILE THEY ARE DEALING WITH THEIR FATHER NORMAL ONE MINUTE AND NUTS THE NEXT. THEY KNOW HE IS SICK, BUT THEY DONT KNOW FROM WHAT. I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE DADDY ISSUES WHEN THEY GET OLDER, BUT i DONT THINK IT CAN BE AVOIDED. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

  204. Dr. Jackson,

    Thank you for your very candid article on this matter. I am a family law attorney and some of the most confused and misguided clients I have are Christians who have been advised by people with good intentions to remain in bad marriages. It is easy to quote the obvious scriptures that prohibit divorce but I cannot believe our loving God would want His children to stay in unhappy, unhealthy situations.


    W. Michael Thornton, Esq.
    Tampa, FL

  205. I need help and advice. I was a single mom 30 years and raised four sons. I found Jesus 20 years ago. I remarried a Christian man? From our local church 8 months ago. I never knew he was a drug addict. I can relate to all these woman and what they have gone through. I am leaving him and I want a divorce. I don’t believe his vows before God were anything other than sincere, and so were mine. I am struggling spiritually emotionally and my health is failing too. He has been in and out of rehab over the course of his life 5 times, has made and broken all the promises. I have run the gamet of emotions.
    My son only knows half the abuse and financial disaster. He says he will only support me in a separation until my husband is right before God. My relationship with the Lord is distant, although I know he knows my heart and my sin, and my desires for a glorifying marriage.
    Do I stay in this marriage like some have? I am worried I will end up being responsible for debt and more destruction, because of his behavior. Would you woman who who have stayed years do it over again if you had to do it over again ? In my church some say stay, others say run for your life. Yes, what does God say? I think he hates divorce but still loves the divorcee.

  206. Lord Please hear this prayer. Please in the name of Jesus Deliver myself and the women who have expressed quidance and victory in this situation. Father we pray for our children that you protect them from this evil that they have joy and peace and that the sins of their father or mother does not hinder them or cause them to stumble. Father we asked for wisdom and guidance you know all things lord if we need to leave or move father open doors and make a way . Father forgive us if we have sinned against you in any way by staying and trying to do it in the way we thinks best and trying to love unconditionally. Let us do your will and die to ourselves reveal you plan to us dear lord. Protect us from evil and let you will be done . In Jesus name I pray Amen

  207. I have been married for just over two years and am currently pregnant with our first. I knew of my husband’s addiction before we were married, even breaking our engagement for a time. But I believed then, as I still believe, that God wanted us together. And when my husband had been sober for 11 months before we got married, I thought things would be OK. Unfortunately, they were not. In December 2011, I separated from him for about a month and lived with our pastor’s family. I went back home because we believed it would be easier for my husband to continue using without me around for accountability. Not that having me around in the past kept him from using, but he wouldn’t be able to hide it easily. Since he rarely has broken from a certain pattern of behavior while using, I can know fairly quickly what’s up. We had some boundaries set up that seemed to be working until there were times I wasn’t around. I went on a shopping trip with ladies from my church yesterday, and my husband went out and used. At least I believe that is the case since his pattern of behavior is the same as in past times of using. He’s not around and won’t respond to my calls or texts. When he comes home I will need to discuss new boundaries that I have in mind. Now I need to also be concerned about how this will affect our child, not just me. Divorce is still not an option I want to consider, but separation certainly is. I believe that my husband wants to stop using, but there is one thing in the way, and that is his pride. I believe deep down he knows this, but he’s not willing to accept it. I know I have struggled in the past with enabling and am still learning how to not do so while still loving my husband. I appreciate your prayers and all the stories you’ve shared. Many of you have gone through things a lot rougher than I have. I commend you for desiring to seek God’s wisdom in the midst of chaos and sometimes physical harm. Blessings to you all!

  208. @ Cris thank you so much for taking your time to reply on my comment..i hope to hear from you soon.God bless you.

  209. @ Hurting young woman I too have been very weak with enabling my husband to use. Recently though I have set forth a plan that he get addictions counselling or my daughter and I move back to our home town. I moved for my husband to a different city where I don’t know anyone. It seemed as though moving changed him. Almost as if he knew there would be no friends to talk with when he behaved badly. I feel for you and the position in which you are in but hold your head up! I know it’s hard and easier said then done,right!? I don’t know you or anyone else on here but if you need someone to talk to I’m here. Just ask and my email will tell me if you post something. I will be a person for you to lean on. As fellow Christians we need to help each other as God intended. Remember although things seem tough at times God is always listening. I have one final thought for everyone. That is God may have intended marriage to be forever but there are always exceptions. I’m not here to tell people to leave their marriage but do seek help from a pastor if you attend church. He or she can help guide you in the right direction. Good luck and God bless you and everyone here who struggle everyday with your loved ones who are addicted.

  210. Hi Everyone

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with the world ,It really takes courage ,I am a 25 years old and me and my husband got married last year(2012) 3 months after we got married ,he started using Marijuana and drinking alcohol,we are both born again Christians ,when i found out about the drug abuse ,I was so heartbroken and destroyed ,I kept praying that he will stop and things will get back to normal but It getting worse ,His smokes the marijuana everyday and drinks alcohol everyday.He lost his job and i have to wake up everyday and travel 1hour 30 minutes to go to work just so we can have money ,I am now pregnant and worry a lot about my unborn precious child ,I am the one who pays for everything ,we are now staying with his parents ,I am soo depressed and scared ,I feel like i have failed big time ,I don’t see him changing anytime soon ,he is such an emotional blackmailer and a manipulator ,I am scared of telling him when i am not happy or feel that i should tell him how i feel because i don’t know how he will react .I cant afford to take care of myself like i used to before we got married because my finances are very limited ,I cant pay my clothing installments anymore ..Is this the plan of God for marriage ?? he has been using for 7 months now and he is just so irresponsible ..I am very weak and i cannot pretend anymore I am just about to pack my things and go back home…

  211. Hi Susan,
    Thanks for taking the time to write me. I’m sorry you are going through your situation as well. His adultery, private life, drugs and alcohol are a part of his life….is what I’ve found out. He kept it from me for the first two years of our dating and 6 months into our marriage. I t is all abusive. Non of the actions are acceptable. I’ve learned that I don’t know who my husband is, due to his false portrayal all this time. God has been very faithful to me in revealing everything. I believe that was to keep me from additional potential danger. My husband will need to heal and come to terms with his addictions, and that can only be done when he has fallen on his face to God in full submission. I will not allow him in the house and into my life with out that. I also need to work on my relationship with the Lord in terms of healing from the dishonesty and broken vows, it has effected me and I can see the effect in other areas of my life. So I will also need to work on seeking God’s face constantly and faithfully, healing. Only then will my husband and I be able to attempt to move forward together under God. Until then, I will love him as God loves him. But it will not be under this roof, and it will not be in an unhealthy, biblical way.

    I ‘m so encouraged to know another woman of faith that is seeking God for the next steps and for daily strength and wisdom. I will be praying for your also Susan and for the healing of our husbands and marriages.
    Bless you!

  212. Kathleen,
    I know that you were expecting a response from Steve, but I needed to let you know that I was and am still in the same place. My spouse has recently accepted Christ in his life and we have been separated for the second time due to his drinking. He is going to meetings, taking Antabuse and making and attempt to stay sober, although he knows I forgive him, he knows that I do not trust him and this is something that he needs to earn back. Now I know there is and always will be a temptation for my spouse to return to drinking, I also know that I am called to forgive him as Christ has asked us to do. However, I also know that at some point if me and my spouse reconcile and he drinks again, he will have to leave again. I guess it all depends on how serious your spouses problem is, did he commit adultery while using, and is he abusive. Seeking God is the best thing to do for answers on the next step. I know that I did a lot of praying and God has been showing me what I needed to do. I have not divorced my spouse, and I was not willing to give up on the marriage, but I also knew that if he wanted to have this marriage back, he would need to make some changes. My hope and prayer is that God will lead and guide you in this difficult time.

  213. I am so thankful for finding this blog. I find our marriage in almost every one of these stories. But when I read ‘Adam’s’ comments, I finally identify with what the conflict in my heart has been. Christian friends advising divorce and warning me of the minimal chance of rehab and deliverance of my husbands, lieing, adulterous, drug and alcohol issues. But deep inside, as i keep praying for the Lord’s direction, my heart brings to me everthing Adam is saying about God’s plan for marriage and our Marriage Vows and how God never throws anyone away, never gives up on them. While i want to commit to that belief, i also believe in the need for boundaries and follow through. I know Adam mentioned not setting ridgid boundaries and not following through, however, i believe the consequence of the behavior chosen by the offender (my husband) will be of his choice and free will. My boundary is that everything is on the line unless he gets and commits to true Chrisitan help. He is already making the decision to do as little as he can get away with (in court) and using the fact that the court evaluation is what he is following, however, he is an expert at lying. Regardless if he goes through a 30 or 60 day program (which he has done before- years ago before we met) Apart from God, there will be no healing. He must heal himself before we can begin our restoration. I am here to love him (in my heart) through it and I know it will be a very long road if he chooses to really get clean, and honestly, i’ll be praying for my heart as well so it does not get hardened. But he does need to know that it is his decision on wether or not our marriage continues or not. Adam, I would really like your thoughts on this….Also, I really would like to know if you did enter into Teen Challenge, I have heard that is a great program, unfortunately, my husband does not think he needs that. Do you have any encouraging news on your end? thank you and God Bless

    Dr. Steve, I have also agreed with your comments on maintaining clear and healthy boundaries. My husband is addicted to me. He plays on my vulnerability. He misuses my heart for God and my beliefe in forgiveness and ‘the greatest of these is Love”. After the last incident, I had his Pastor convey to him that i will no longer accept or be willing to engage in any communication with him unless he is within a treatment center. Two days later i received a test from him ” i know i’m not supposed to contact you but i want to anyway. I love you and miss you.: While his Pastor explained that he understood my husband’s need to connect with me, I replied with the result of that text showed me selfishness, putting his needs above mine and clear disrespect…which is at the core of addiction. I have blocked my number and my email, but yesterday, i received a voice mail from him from another number that i didn’t recognize…barely audible….calling me honey and saying he loves me and misses me…I am committed to my boundary. To him and his family and friends, who are all alcoholics (and i love them all dearly and pray for them) it looks like i’m being unkind or over reacting. Even as i have told them everything that has been transpiring. I have pleaded with them to stop enabling him, but they cannot stop the toxic rescue and victim behavior, i believe, because it would convict them too much. He is living with them in that environment, even though his Pastor urged him to find a non-toxic atomosphere. But he will not. He will not follow any advice that is contrarty to what he wants to do. His past is marred with the like behavior only they remained married and drugged and toxic for 17 years…i only realized that his sad story i was given at the beggining of the relationship was only half true. God has been faithful in revealing the truth to me and guiding my mind and heart during this journey. I struggle to hear his voice over the advice of others…but until i read this blog I couldn’t put into words so eloquently and spot on as Adam has. I would so appreciate hearing from you Dr. Steve as well. Bless you both, please keep me in your prayers, and our marriage and God’s strenght and wisdom and guidance.

  214. I currently seek a way out of a drug and alcoholic relationship. I’ve been married to the same man for 22 years. I learned he was a drug and alcoholic after the first year of our marriage. I have tried and tried to remain supportive, but the reality is that I have practically raised both of our children by myself with my husband right here in the home. I have been save and filled with the spirit since I was 19yrs old and now I’m 41 years old. I’m at the point of just taking a chance and voiding the whole thing. In the course of endurance, my husband has been involved with 2 women that I know of , while maintaining a substance abuse life style. I have also put my foot down and left a few times. He has left a few times also but we still keep trying. He has on and of been sober but he still goes back. Our relationship has been destroyed to the point of just existing. This last time I took him back he promised to not ever go to that lifestyle again. He started becoming more faithful in church. He has gone as far as teaching bible study in the church. I became very concerned about this. When I address the issue and told our pastor that it wasn’t the right thing and that I thought he needed more time to get himself together. The pastor stated let him come to me and I will address it if there is a problem. I was crushed! So recently he has started drinking and as we speak it is almost 430 am and he hasn’t made it home yet. This is someone that is teaching the word of God! I made a promise to myself if he went back into lifestyle no more for me! So my plans are to first notify the pastor/elder and let them know he can know longer do the bible study. And to ensure that all of his stuff is out of the house by the end of the day. I’d rather live without him than to suffer any more anguish behind such a terrible life !!!!!!

  215. Dear Cat, thank you for the support. Wow, 7 years, that’s a long time to be without your spouse. I am feeling like a widow, I am thinking you can relate to that. I talked with my spouse and he is trying to convince me that he has been seeing a therapist, taking antabuse and staying sober and how sorry he is. I heard all of this before and told him that I will continue to pray for him, but the trust is gone. I am only waiting on God to heal this marriage and deliver my spouse from his drinking. I will also pray for you and your spouse Cat. It is so hard, but it is so nice to know we Christian women can support each other.

  216. I am in the same boat. I feel so much for you, Susan, I have been separated from my husband for 7 years now and moved away. In the last 2 years I have tried to give it all I have (we are having a grand baby) but he just keeps going back! The lies the betrayal the hurt, If only they could feel it…

  217. This is at Been There, I related to her story about her alcoholic spouse and how she is handling this. I too entered into a marriage where I did not know he was a practicing alcoholic until after we were married, and I work in the field for heaven’s sake. This discovery about his drinking occurred after his son died in 2005. He continued drinking, making promises to quit, caught him lying and watching his behavior affect my two children. I am a Christian and made a decision to separate and move away. He went to treatment, stayed sober for about 2 months, then started drinking again. At this point I am not only taking care of a 80 year old mother, taking care of two teenage kids, but having to be a support to my sister who was terminally ill with cancer. As a result, I had a mental breakdown as I have history of anxiety/panic and depression. Finally after putting up with more lies, promises and chaos, he entered a relapse program, drank while going through program and kept feeding us with promises and breaking them. Then this past year, in Feb. I told him to pack up and leave. I am now separated again, having to once again pick up the pieces, feeling betrayed, angry, hurt and abandoned. He has made no effort to contact me other than if he needs something thats his, about his own personal concerns etc. I am not seeking a divorce, but I have to honestly say I am not sure I can ever trust him again. BTW, his sister is now dying of alcoholism, just like his mother did. This is all sad and all I have been able to do is attend alanon, keep going to church, pray and read my bible. What more can a person do?

  218. I just ready many of the posts on this blog. Even though I am very hurt to know that so many Christians are in the same situation that I am in, I am also comforted that I am not alone. I wanted to reply to every single post and give you all a group (((HUG)))
    I have been married for 17 years this time around. I attract addicts unfortunately. My first husband was an addict and I left him. I ended up with another addict I knew it full well before I ever even married him but I just wanted to “help” him and his children. I have two boys, one from he first sand one from the 2nd. my husband is actually a drug addict. He does everything. He smokes cigarrettes too. I abstain from everything. I cannot stand drugs or alcohol and despise what it does to people even the second hand effects. Even though I am still married to my husband, We have not lived together for 7 years now. This being our latest separation. I have remained alone and have not dated or even looked at another man. Part of the reason because it is my second marriage and I knwo what the bible has to say about Marriage divorce and remarriage, second because I am afraid of falling in to it again, third because of my children. They are grown now. My first is married and I am going to be a grandmother m second is 15 and he is a God honoring God fearing young man. I have ignored my husbands problem all these years. I have seen him through the years he spends time with the kids when he is not in rehab or in jail. He lives with his parents. He cannot live alone he is like a small child who cannot handle life, never has been able too. Just recently 2 summers ago he asked me to come stay with us to be with his son. He asked me to give him another chance, I did he stayed here 9 months and I insisted that we kept it platonic and work on our issues and work through all the past pain and hurt. It was hard at first. It got easier, just when I was ready to open up intimatley and become vulnerable again he messed up and I found out he had been using in little amounts for weeks. Of course it is not simple as that nothing is, it is much more complicated but I had him leave. Just recently about a year after the last incident I decided to give him another try. He had worked through some of his legal issues and bought a vehicle for the first time in over 5 years with a mandatory breathalizer installed in it. I thought that weould help him stay sober but he was not working any kind of recovery plan. My support has always been the church. That is where my children and I get all of our support from. Well we tried him coming on weekends for about 4 months and I pushed myself to be intimate despite the fact I was not ready for that but I thought maybe just maybe that will do the trick. It did not…2 weekends ago he was over for the weekend said he felt sick and without telling anyone a word he left got a motel and started binging. I have said all that to say this…No matter what you do it does not get easier. I have left him so many times…In 18 years of marriage we have been living together a total of about 8 years and they have been broken up 3 years here 2 years there and another year over there. Nothing phases him…No matter what I do or how Id o it and I have doen everything, the intervention, the counseling, the alanon, the separation, giving him intimacy I cannot do anything only he can. I just hang on to God, I thank him every day that my children are in his ways, I stay sane and healthy for them and my grandchildren coming. I r fuse to live in a house with a person that chooses drugs and alcohol over the family. It is not easy, it is hard to be a single mom to two boys, it is hard to be angry and bitter sometimes, it is hard to be lonely but God will be there for you no matter what you do but remember always, You cannot change the person or do anything to make them change, the person does not drink because of you! it is not your fault, do not take responsibilities for their actions. IT is their actions. I know you are one…that is what hurts the most. When you got married you became one, everything they do hurts you…That is our cross…the thorn on our side…give it to God daily, stay in his word stay in fellowship and pray for your spouse when you can…Try to do it as often as possible…dont be ashamed to talk to others about your issues…it will help you to talk to people you confide in but do not talk about it too much…it will drain you and rob you of your time. focus on God you and your family and you will get through this. your spouse will have to shift the focus to God to get through this too. Pray for that.

  219. I have started a blog on this very subject.

    My husband has had various addictions through the years, and thus far, I have remained in the marriage. However; we have never had to deal with physical or verbal abuse of any kind. My blog discusses how we have gotten to where we are now (husband is in recovery) and what I did to cope while he was actively using. I pray that it is a blessing to anyone who reads it…if nothing else than to realize you are not alone.

  220. “The king will mourn, the prince will be clothed with despair, and the hands of the people of the land will tremble. I will deal with them according to their conduct, and by their own standards I will judge them. Then they will know that I am the Lord.”—Ezekiel 7:27

    Holding on for dear life, as I have come to realize, is all this really is. Struggling to grasp and keep every inch of my sanity is what I have been trying to do. The enormity, the sheer and utter distraction is alarming, I feel like I am in a vacuum, the suction of all that is good slowly and surreptitiously draining from my body, heart and soul. The likes of which this woman has never felt or known before and does not like at all. I am not me. But I did not guess that I would be so aware of the moment that me would leave and the anxiousness would once again rear its ugly head and rob or replace the person I once knew myself to be. The agony and defeat, the emotionless, empty and lonely pit of despair is so great that my entire body writhes in anguish and pain.
    I have been feeling this sensation throughout, trying to decipher how sadness can
    locate itself in one’s muscles. But that is just the case. My calf muscles are twanged and spasm-like contractions occur randomly but frequently, by neck is stiff, my back aches and sometimes the pain is so crazy, I can hardly stand up straight anymore. I don’t take a pill, a drink or a joint. Maybe an Advil, but I suffer the pain, and work through it. I need to be alert and focus. I need to feel this pain to know that I am still here. And I know I will be okay, I will get through this, I will feel better, because I have faith. Because I have love and I know I will never be alone. My God will never forsake me, my all-knowing, all-loving, keeper of peace. A God of love, life, joy, compassion, kindness, self-control, gentleness, patience; all of the fruit of the spirit, I am desperately trying to adhere to, but am failing miserably. These fruit of the spirit, I have to remind myself, are the most treasured traits, so respectable, and so, it seems, unattainable for me, at least for now.

    I am so distraught, and feel everything I have worked so hard in life to accomplish has been hijacked right out from under me. Addiction has robbed me of living a life full of happiness, when you are saddled up with an alcoholic or substance abuser of any kind, you essentially, lose your own life to it, as I have and I want so bad to be free from all this, get back to loving myself and another, fully, honorably and completely. I am faced with a decision, one I can barely bring myself to comprehend, let along make. But the time is nearing and my words are falling on deaf ears. (excerpt from a book I am writing)

  221. I will have to say, that had I stayed in the relationship I was in, I would have NEVER been able to experience the relationship I have with God. The drug abuse was bad, and was getting worse. I was so degraded that I asked God to take me home on more than one occasion. I wrestled with the idea of divorce because I was afraid. It was not what was taught to me. (This coming from someone who was pregnant before marriage and remained in the marriage for 22 years). God opened my eyes to see what I hadn’t been seeing and made it possible for me to get away from a relationship where blasphamy was spoken all of the time. I tolerated a lot, but when my ex started saying horrible things about God, that right there was not something I could live with. My relationship with God has been wonderful over the past year, and even though I have days that are hard and had to make some difficult choices, I have God and I am happy.

  222. I am surprised to see that so many women are going through the same problems. I have been married several times to addicts and have left the marriages for the same reasons. I just figured that there was something wrong with me for picking the same kind of man. I don’t have the answers. I really don’t know at this point. Women have the hearts of God Almighty and we love and give until it hurts. I am praying for us all. God Bless.

  223. Praise the Lord. I so needed to read this. I have been in a marriage for 23 years and dealing with my husbands drug addiction and the devasting effects of it. He is currently incarcerated. During the 23 years of marriage he spent nearly half of it in rehabs or incarcerated. I warned him the last time he was incarcerated that should he choose to violate his state parole and end up in incarcerated once again, I was leaving the marriage. Needless to say, this is exactly what happened. He has been incarcerated now for two years during this time I have been tormented about filing for divorce. I was so confused about my responsibility as a Christian. I felt if I chose to end this madness and move on with my life and remarry that I would be living in sin. Reading this has confirmed what I felt in my heart…that the Lord would not expect me to continue in this marriage. I know He knows every wrong doing. He has seen our tears, heard our cries. He knows the brokenness of our hearts. Thank you for helping me to feel released and free to trust God with my future and not carry guilt or shame for wanting to do so.

  224. It has been a journey for me married to an ex-drug addict, that’s right he informs me that he do not smoke drugs anymore. But the drug do not stop hunting him. It seems to me that in some cases we have to trust God. Some marriages I came to realize that God have nothing to do with it, we sometimes chose our own path in life. We marry without getting the okay with him. We cause our own grief, pain, and misery; now it is up to us to say “No More.”
    Today I am saying, “No More.” My husband woke me up this morning saying that I tried to sacrifice him. This is bad. He paid for my phone bill and wanted his money back. When I told him that I didn’t have money, he believed that I was trying to get over on him. So I gave him $30 and drop him off at the store because he was cursing at me, screaming, and threating me. Because I gave him the $20 dollars he say I was trying to sacrifice him to make him us crack again. I am Done.

  225. I realized that I didn’t finish one of my sentences it should say; “I know that it is all the pills he is taking that is causing him not to sleep”.

  226. This is to add to my previous comment because I have left out a lot of information. Although I say a divorce is imminent I am very sad. Mostly for our daughter and the fact she will face yet another break up,we’ve had many. I really am tired of the constant arguing and can relate to quite a few of you. I have thrown pill bottles at my husband when I see that they are empty yet again. I know it’s wrong but I am so very frustrated. I forgot to add that my husband is a compulsive liar and in one breath he will say he is going to stop then go do the exact same non sense! When I complain he makes like as if I’m at fault for what is happening. He will tell me that I’m repeating myself and he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. Lets be honest though. If he didn’t repeat all the wrongs there wouldn’t be anything for me to keep on him about,right? Well explaining that to him is like speaking to a wall. I have tried hiding his pills and giving him a set dose to help him get down from the high doses he is taking. I’ve tried pretty much everything but all has failed. I will no longer enable him to kill himself. Along with all of this he is Bipolar,borderline personality disorder and has ADHD. Tylenol#1 is not all he takes either. He is prescribed benzos and percocet. He is all out of the percocet so he takes a bunch of tylenol to compensate and I really don’t know how he is still alive. The amount of pills he swallows is astounding. He cannot sleep at night and takes sleeping pills and he will pop those all night. I don’t sleep either because I’m so upset all of the time. He will also be out of all of his meds by the 2nd week of getting his prescriptions if he is lucky only because I stop him. I know that it is all the pills he is taking that is causing him This is such a burden on me as I suffer from severe depression.. I’ve stayed with him mostly because I thought he is sick and the bible says in sickness and in health. I know that God doesn’t want this for me and my daughter but what to do??

  227. My husband and I used drugs together at one point in our lives but now he has continued on his own . I cannot stand it anymore as he takes tylenol #1 in which costs us $10.00 everyday. Just last night less than24 hours ago he took 94 of the bottle of 100 tylenol #1. I don’t want to be married anymore he doesn’t think it is a abuse on me but it is abuse on our whole family. I am getting a divorce it has been going on for at least 13 years and I want more in life and we will never own anything with his addiction. I totally think drug abuse is grounds for divorce when the person will not stop!

  228. While I agree with the majority of your points above, I respectfully disagree with your conclusion.

    I preface this by saying, I did not have the time to read the 146 previous responses, nor am I an expert. I have an educational background in Addictions Counseling, a passion for studying theology, and I’m married to a $ex addict who is not in recovery. I’m actually in the process of writing a book about this very subject.

    I would never suggest anyone stay in an unsafe or abusive situation. In what I term “mainstream Christianity” meaning the watered down version of Christianity that general society considers acceptable, there seems to be two options. 1) Stay married, live as married, and endure it. or 2) Get a divorce.

    In the case of addiction there is a third plausible option that seems to be overlooked quite often. 3) Stay married but separate

    I know how intolerable this can sound. You should always remove yourself from an unsafe situation. And unfortunately sometimes that becomes permanent. The thing that is often missed in this conversation is the fact that a marriage is between three people. You, your spouse, and god. While your spouses free will may be to turn his/her back on God’s will, that doesn’t change the fact that you made a promise to god to be faithful to this person to love them through better and worse.

    You can love them and remain faithful with out living under the same roof, or enduring physical or mental abuse. Given the extent of the abuse or the behavior of the other party you may be asked to remain loving and faithful even though you never see them again.

    Now, I would argue its very rare for an addict to be able to enter into a true Christian marriage in the first place. making the divorce simply a legal formality. But that’s a whole other conversation. My commentary above assumes the existence of a true Christian Marriage

  229. I agree, I have been there and done that! For 33 years I felt as though I was sleeping with a drug and not a person, with a loaded gun(literally) and not someone who was supposed to love me….I left several years ago, am now remarried and my husband and I deal with more “normal” marriage issues. Things are not perfect and won’t be this side of Heaven, but at least we communicate without physical violence or turning to an illegal drug for ‘his’ comfort while I am left out in a state of confusion and the “doormat” syndrome! I, like your wife, can attest to how my past containing all the horrible abuse to myself and my children with my ex husband now seems like a distant memory. I would not know any longer what my reaction would be if someone were to raise a hand, OR A GUN to my head or even raise their voice to me….Jesus took action against the abuse of His Father’s House and their was also lots of action taken in many places in the Bible where abuse occurred. His death on the cross is pure evidence that the abuse in this world no longer holds us captive, only if we allow it! I believe God breaks the generational sin of these types of abuses by prompting the victim to act in a way that leads to safety. This speaks to our children that this type of activity does not have to be tolerated and it shows them a clearer picture of how to choose a spouse who will truly love them. I came from an abusive background as a child and just kept it going, and I clearly see some of that has rubbed off on my now adult children….I STAYED TOO LONG….but my oldest daughter is beginning to understand what living in that type of environment as she grew up can do to a person. Kids learn stuff like, “if God is love, why does daddy beat up mommy? Isn’t God a man? Does He expect me to go through life like this too?” and the list goes on and on unless someone steps out of the hamster wheel and starts to bravely make changes! I am not saying that if a spouse uses drugs, admits they need help and then agrees to adhere to getting that help, then I agree divorce is probably not the right answer, same holds true for a violent spouse. But, when there is no desire on the part of the abuser to get help, but to only control and manipulate, lie, steal, cheat and do whatever they can to continue in their life style, well, Jesus did talk about shaking the dust from your sandals and move on(paraphrased.) It’s hard when a person cannot be reasoned with, even though the effort has been made a million times over….sometimes you have to turn them over and let them deal with the real world without you in the picture.

  230. Hi I am so glad I found this blog. I have asked God for an answer for my situation and I found 141 stories on this blog that are all in common with my struggle. I have been married to my husband for 11 yrs and he has had many addictions, we were kids at 20ys old so even though he was getting out of his 2or3rd rehab at that time I felt he would change and married him at the young age of 20. Today I”m 32 and he is still an addict. His addiction has progressed from weed to pills to cocaine now shooting Heroin for the past 4 years. So many things I have lost along the way, I can’t tell you what it felt like to see your husband walking up the road home without your car, or driving down the road and seeing someone else driving your brand new car that your husband loaned out for money, he has not worked more than 6 months at a job ever, he has never bout me a Christmas gift or birthday gift or anniversary gift in 11years, I still don’t have a wedding ring! If I wanted one I had to buy it myself. He has Hepatitic C , he has cheated on me with other girls that have used with him, he ran a dope house, and currently we have not been intimate in more than 6 months because the lies are so bad that I fear I may be at risk for some kind of disease from him sharing needles. I have been with this man for 19years in total since I was 14. I got started using drugs myself from being with him and have been sober now for many years. I have endured so many horrible things and have left countless times, each time I took him back out of love and somehow when I never thought it possible, it got worse. Through all these years I do have a success story. I stopped living for my husband years ago, got a personal relationship with god. Even though it was weak for many years it was still my lifeline. I had always kept a job, I finished nursing school as an LPN , and just this year I finished RN school. Last week for New Year’s Day my husband and I spent the night at my brothers to celebrate. In the morning I went to breakfast with my dad and my husband was supposed to pick me up after our meal, long story short. I didn’t see him until the next night so I had to break in my own house, and go on with no car no purse no money because he had grabbed them all for 2 days! I was literally stranded. That was the las straw for me! When he did come home I dropped him and his clothes off at a local hospital with a psychiatric floor that would have state funding for a rehab for him. I changed my number and have contacted the social service department of the hospital and told them I want no communication. It broke my heart because I love this man dearly. I would not wish addiction on my worst enemy it is awful. It destroys everything it touches like a fire. I have so much guilt from deciding to go on with my life and for him to find his help on his own but I know nothing else has worked and I have peace right now. I struggle with the thought of divorce because I am the type of person who always has hope that someone will change. Basically I had to come to terms with myself my heat my mind and god to decide one of two things: either I stay and I possible endure more of this and avoid a divorce so that I can keep being with my husband or separate and go through with a divorce. I have decided that I cannot live like this not one more day and I plan to file divorce so that I ensure that I will not go through this again. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I will always love my husband and I will probably always want to be with him but I cannot live like this anymore! God did not intend for me to live a life of misery and varying his burden. I hope that others on this blog find their way. I start counseling for myself in a week to take care of my mind and to work through the codependency. God bless

  231. Hello everyone. Reading all of your posts, it is comforting yet sad to know I am not alone. Married 17 years, 2 children (15 and 11 yrs old) and to a normal-looking, hard working, little league-coaching OPIATE addict. In the last 5 years we have separated twice, gone to our pastor, to counseling, NA meetings twice, outpatient rehab a few times….. lots of broken promises. He lost his job, we’ve been in foreclosure twice, he has stolen and pawned our gold, cleaned out our savings and retirements accounts – including my 15 year old daughter’s college fund – and for awhile had to live on someone else’s couch after saying goodbye to his kids every night with tears in everyone’s eyes, all due to drugs. I prayed continuously, always looking for God to guide me. I took him back for ONE LAST TIME in December (for the 6th time in 5 years), after he said he had hit rock bottom. He is using again, just a few weeks after he promised and promised and begged and promised. I always think about Jesus saying to forgive 7 times 70, but there is a difference between forgiving and ACCEPTING abuse. At this point, I feel like believing his lies is equal to enabling him. I am going to file for divorce and try to get an attorney to make him move out. I still love him but don’t love my life and don’t want to teach my children that this is acceptable or normal in any way. Any feedback is welcome. I am no longer struggling with my decisions but am very sad and disappointed once again.

    1. Jennie-
      You are doing the right thing. I realized that if I really did love my husband then I need to realize that I am enabling him to use if I turn my head and do nothing. I love him enough to not do that for him anymore. You honestly could be saving his life. He may never understand that but it is a selfless gift of love that you are doing for him not enabling him. Just being with an addict has consequences. I think you are doing the right thing and I encourage you to continue to seek God throughout your difficult situation

  232. Lynn,
    I feel for you so much right now. I know exactly what you mean by saying you snapped. I have been there too many times but I have been fortunate in that my husband doesn’t want the attention of the police because he often has warrants or some other unfinished business. I have learned to walk away and distance myself from him whenever it gets to that point and whenever it is possible. But that’s not to say that I don’t think it could ever happen again because I know that he could get me to that point again. I think my husband is back on spice again because I see a definite change in his personality again, a lazy and negative attitude, a distance from his family and dropping all responsibilities in favor of acting like a fool. That and frequent trips to the bathroom to hack and cough. My children were sadly the first to notice that he smelled of spice. I initially hushed them and brushed it off but as the days go on, I’m seeing they were right. We are weeks away from closing on our house and though I am doing it pretty much on my own (everything is in my name, etc) he could easily sabotage us by spending our closing costs that we have saved so I am treading lightly just trying to get through this and get into the new house. The police have shown up at the house looking for him. I know it’s only a matter of time. I hate what he’s doing to our family. Recently he and his brother drove drunk in a snow storm over the mountain to go to a bar. He spent the last of our money that wasn’t already allocated to bills, lied to me, drove his truck drunk and ran into a curb and messed up his wheel and then asked me to come get him from the bar. At first I said no but then I caved and loaded me and the kids up in my tiny car and drove over the mountain in the snow to get him late at night. When we got there, he refused to come with us. I snapped but I used my words and said I hated him and I wish he was dead. I prayed to God to forgive me for that but also, I do wish he was dead. Not my husband, but the person he becomes when he acts this way. I do wish that man was dead so I could have my husband back. I do hate that man. I am sorry if that is wrong. But what isn’t wrong about all of this?

  233. An interesting part of today’s sermon (see my previous post) talked about loving and forgiving, but the pastor also pointed out that while you need love and forgiveness, you don’t have to allow someone to drag you down with them. God does not call us to do that, he calls us to love and forgive, but protecting ourselves is NOT sinful, when a man chooses drugs and destruction that means that he is rebelling against God and is neglecting and abusing his marriage, we are not called to allow him to bring us down as well. We cannot save them, we can love them, but we cannot save them that is God’s power alone and some people will never allow God to heal them and some will, but sometimes it is necessary to step out of the way and allow God to deal with them directly and protect ourselves through separation, we may be unwittingly enabling them and it’s very very easy to fall into codepedency with an addict. I plan on checking out Al-Anon, which is for people whose lives have been affected by the drug and alcohol abuse of their loved ones. Please protect yourselves and keep praying that God will reveal to you the way that you should go, and when he tells you to act, do it! I didn’t step out of the way when God told me to and a month later I snapped and got arrested.

  234. It’s interesting, I have been on this feed for a few months and I’m amazed at the way that our marriages are under attack; just know that you are not alone. My advice to you all is to find a church that has a drug program/support service, it’s a great source of support. I myself reached the point last month where I had had it with my husband and his addiction and laziness (we didn’t even have rent money for December and he was spending his days high as a kite and not trying to help raise the money for rent) and I finally snapped, I took a swing at him during an argument and he called the police on me and under CA state law I was arrested! Thank God there was no mark left on him, he had jumped back and the blow glanced off of him, but I’ve been charged with domestic violence: battery, it’s a nightmare! I just finished grad school and I need to find a job and this is hanging over my head and I’m broke and desperately looking for work. My husband left me that night, and he has said that he wants a divorce. During this time I have had a lot of time to think and pray, I have remembered how wonderful our relationship once was, but it has been warped and torn apart by addiction, depression, and lies on his part, and codependence, anger, and critical bitterness on my part which eventually led to me actually making it physical and getting arrested. I have had to learn to accept the fact that while my husband has behaved horribly, I am no passive victim, I have contributed to the situation as well; though while he blames me for his addiction and depression right now, I know that that is not true, while I didn’t know how to handle the situation and accidentally added fuel to the fire, I didn’t start the fire, that’s on him, I’ve got my own things that I must face but I’m not taking the blame for his problems. I pray that we can work our problems out via separation instead of divorce, but I have to accept that I cannot change him, that must be God’s doing and he must allow God in (he’s not a Christian), but I have come across some things that have been helpful to my own heart that I thought I’d share with you all.

    Here’s a good sermon for you as well (click on the Dec. 30th sermon)

    Another thing you may want to look up is “passive aggressive behavior”, not all addicts exhibit this behavior, but my husband has fallen into it, so learning how to deal with it may help you to learn how to counteract it before you snap and end up in a situation such as mine. God Bless You All!

    Another good Biblical passage is Psalm 23, it has been a great help to me lately. Sometimes separation is necessary, in my case had we separated earlier we may have been able to work things out before we reached the breaking point like we have now. Please pray for me and my husband, the situation seems hopeless (he won’t even speak to me right now) but God is with us and sees our suffering.

  235. It’s a long story really but in short: My husband is an alcoholic. He has been for years (I suspected) but I started to confront him with proof in the past 3-4 years. We have been married for 18 years and were childhood friends. He hates being confronted. He lies all the time about how much he drinks. I find receipts, etc showing that he drinks all day everyday (starting in the morning). He can do this because he works for himself. I have a great job and I stay super busy. The girls are involved in sports and I run with them to practices, games, etc.all the time. I used to travel with my job (and I loved it) but I took another job so I wouldn’t have to go because my girls hated it when I would leave them with him. He is abusive mentally to me calling me terrible names like cunt, bitch, etc. He has become physical with me at times. I can make it on my own. I know it but I would have to give up a lot (the new house, etc.) I beg and plead with God daily to heal him. Two of our girls our teens and they are starting to hate him. I am sick of living like this. He doesn’t always contribute to the family finances. I often wonder if God even hears me?

  236. I am praying for you all and your families!
    thank you for sharing your life with me! Just know you are not alone! I will continue to pray for you!

  237. 1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV
    New International Version

    “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in PEACE.”

    You are not bound to these people, you may want to do everything you can to help them, but if they choose not to get clean, that’s on them, not you

  238. I haven’t been on here in awhile and just read all of the posts that have been done since I have. I am saddened to see so many people going through similar situations to what I have. Since I last posted my husband chose to leave the treatment center he was in (in Aug.) going to a sober living facility in the same town. Then in Sept. he came home from there, which I had a hand in and am now thinking was a mistake on my part..even though him being there really was not benefiting anyone but him so he didn’t have to deal w/the responsibility of having a wife & children to care for. Anyways, he came home in Sept. and decided about 3 weeks ago that he just doesn’t want to be married anymore. I am struggling. I stood by this man’s side for his addiction, abuse (which at times has gone both ways). Since becoming a Christian about 2 years ago I have tried so hard to make things work, to do what the Lord would want me to do. I am confused as to why now? Why when he had a few months of good recovery did he decide he doesn’t want to be with the one person who stood by his side through it all. I know his thinking is one of an adolescent. I know that I cannot change his mind. I have decided that I will not file for divorce. He chose to leave, there is nothing I can do to change his mind and I won’t even try. I pray for him every day, multiple times a day. He has now started drinking again since he moved out. (Again, don’t get how being with his family and sober was the wrong choice…being alone & drinking is better?). His heart seems to be hardened to me. He will ask me to pray for him and he has spoken to our pastor and knows this is not what the Lord wants for him, he told our pastor basically he was wasting his breath and that even though he knows the Lord does not want us to divorce he is doing it anyways. I cannot do anything but pray for him. I did all I could. I Have repented to him and the Lord for the mistakes I have made. I try to be supportive even now, telling him I am praying for him and that I still love him. I get ignored. I don’t know how to love him any different than I am now. I don’t know what will happen. I just know I will stand by my marriage vows and not forsake my husband as long as we are married. There is more peace in my home and I am relying more on the Lord to help me through. Maybe this was His plan all along. I am trusting Him…that He will comfort & provide for me & my kids. That He will send men to show my boys what a Christian man should be. God bless all of you! 2 Corinthians 2:19.

  239. For those ladies who are experiencing abuse of any kind contact your local domestic violence shelter they have a lot of resources to tap into without you having to necessarily needing to go into the shelter and another great option is speaking to the victims advocate in your county which your local shelter can put you in touch with them.

    My local shelter put me in touch with the victims advocate for the shelter who helped me do the paperwork for my protection order but also her co-worker does free counselling and if you can’t get to her as long as the abuser is not in the house she will come to your house. They can help you refer you to legal help and all sorts of ministries/churches that have assistance with bills ect. in your county. Every state has been given grants to help people pay there rent/lights but churches are also helping with that sort of thing, food banks, clothes ect…..

    Your not stuck you have options and there are people that are willing and able to help you through this….abuse is separate from the addiction they just like to blame there abuse on the addiction and you are in the most danger when you try to leave even if he has never laid a hand on you so I would suggest putting together a safety plan for leaving.

    Keep your eyes on the Lord and let Him lead you, He promises to show you which path to take if you are following Him and to never leave you are forsake you. That is most important above anything else.

  240. The day before Thanksgiving I called the police on my husband and his friend. The spending had gotten so out of control that I literally had no food to feed my children and bills like rent were not getting paid even though he told me they were. He was getting more and more money from his job but we were seeing none of it.

    They (him and his friend) had also started smoking that synthetic marijuana in the house around my children. My oldest who is 4 was so angry all the time and my 3 yo was scared of him the only one not impacted as badly was my 1 yo.

    I had to put up with being groped in private, in front of our children and in front of other people but the worst was when he did it in public with no remorse saying I was his wife and he could do what he wanted. He was verbally, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive to me and especially verbally abusive to out 3 yo because of a careless comment by his brother when he was born ? whose baby it was even though I had never been unfaithful.

    The night before he stone cold sober told me he could put this kitchen knife in me and get away with it, I had been sitting at the kitchen table reading a book when he said this to me, than when I got up to get a drink out of the refrigerator and refused to kiss me while telling him to get his hands off of me, he picked up the same knife and laughingly said he would cut my lips off so he could have them to kiss whenever he wanted. I was terrified but could not show it or let him know. It wasn’t until the next night when he took the money I had for groceries for my kids and had verbally barraged my 3yo in the worst way possible that I said enough is enough.

    He got arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia and criminal domestic violence. They could have chosen to fine him also for the paraphernalia the fines were upwards $30,000 later on I found out he had lied to me and gotten money from his brother after spending the money I had that was meant for groceries and bought drugs with that also.

    I prayed so long and hard for my marriage and for things to change but eventually for the Lord to deliver me out of this marriage. If you could see my children now in the few short weeks he has been in jail you wouldn’t even believe the change in them. He got a slap on the wrist because he pled guilty to both charges and they chose not to pursue unlawful conduct towards a child charges because if they did they may have had to charge me for not removing them from the room before calling….if they had he would be in a lot longer….

    I am a disabled vet who gets a small disability check every month and am limited in the type of work that I am able to do. Since having him arrested I have gotten an eviction notice and am now being forced to sell everything we own pretty much just to be able to start over. I am going to be able to get assistance with my lights and rent from a veterans organization but my landlord decided the neighbors being upset and the police being around didn’t look very good so even if I pay the rent she still wants me to leave.

    All of that said I would do it again in a heartbeat. Something I said to him that never sunk in, the Lord gave you this family and he can’t take it away. Pray that it won’t be taking us permanently. The Lord knew this is now how I wanted my children raised and I never wanted them to think this was normal for families. They are young enough it will be a distant memory one day but for me it is going to take me a long time to get over the abuse.

    What made it worse was his boss was a pastor and he was telling my husband what a horrible wife I was and what I needed to be doing. So he would than come home and try to use what the pastor had told him to manipulate me/guilt me into things. I had talked to the pastors wife and told her what was going on with the addiction and abuse and she said she was going to talk to him but I don’t believe it was ever addressed as when he found out I had my husband arrested he basically sat there and acted like I was lying about everything. He has still offered no help or support even though he worked with him for almost a year. My non-christian friends have done more to help me than this man and my christian neighbor…..

    Every ones situation is unique and the Lord leads people depending on there situation. I truly believe that but nobody should have to stay with an abuser or an addict. If he doesn’t kill you the abuse will not to mention what it maybe doing to your children. I have seen that first hand.

  241. Everything seemed to be going fairly well. My divorce fell through, I got a letter from the court stating I didn’t serve him with an important paper and they would take no further action. Getting him served was next to impossible the first time so I took this as a sign that the divorce was not meant to be, at least not right now. That and the fact that he promised to get his crap together and quit smoking marijuana and well, you all know the script. He seemed to be doing decent. He cut way back on smoking weed but never really quit. He buckled down at work and we put some money in savings and started the process of buying a house (much needed since we have our pre-teen son and daughter sharing a room right now in our small apartment). We are half way to closing and today everything fell apart. He got drunk and high and forced his way into the neighbor’s house, was making sexual advances at her when her son walked in with a gun and made him leave. He left and came back, banging on her doors and windows (like he does when I lock him out) and trying to tear off her screens and yelling at her and her son, threatening them so she called the police. I came home at lunch and saw the cops in the driveway and called him and he swore he didn’t do anything and got angry with me when I didn’t believe him. They don’t send five cop cars to get someone who hasn’t done anything. I didn’t know what had happened yet. He began screaming at me not to come in the house and blaming me for the cops being there, telling me he wants all the money out of savings and will not buy a house with me and that he hates me and that I hurt him by not trusting him. After several voicemails repeating this over and over and calling me every name in the book, he went silent. Haven’t been able to reach him all afternoon, and I am stuck at work trying to put on a smile and pretend my life is not in crisis. The neighbor called me at work to explain and what am I supposed to say? I know I am his wife and I am supposed to stand by him but how can I stand by him when he’s doing this? She said it’s not the first time he has tried to do this and she is scared for her and her son and honestly I get that because I’ve been scared of him too. And what was going through his head when he was trying to get into her house and rubbing himself against her? We weren’t fighting at all, I have been on medication to keep myself calm and to be able to cope so I haven’t been losing my temper with him, just trying to keep my eye on the prize which is owning my first home and giving my children a decent place to live. I have so many emotions running through me right now and I am scared what is going to happen tonight when I get off work and have to go home with my kids.

  242. I am a man and have a wife of 28 years who has been an addict for about 28 years. All of our children are grown now and I am fortunate that they all are OK. I feel that I have failed them and that I am weak.
    We have struggled for many years and about 13 years ago I thought that finally she had got better after she was released from prison for writing thousands of dollars worth of hot checks. I thought that I could keep my own credit and bank accounts and could get by this way. She got back into pills (opiates). She attempted to get off of the pills by getting methadone treatments. After one of the treatments the clinic let her leave without checking to see if someone else was driving. She fell asleep driving on the way home and crashed into a bank of a creek head on at about 60 MPH. She was then air lifted to the hospital in critical condition. After multiple surgeries over the last few years she is constantly in pain and takes more pills that ever. She is now considered to be disabled. I found out that she is not only taking pills from her doctor but is going to multiple pain clinics (pill mills) and spending thousands of dollars on them. I think that she is probably dealing to get more. I have also found out that she took out atleast $50K in student loans and somehow forged my name as a co-signer on them. They all have defaulted and I have been told that the only way that I will not be held responsible is to file a police report. I am in my 50’s and this could brake me. It has destroyed my credit to the point that I cannot even take out a home equity loan for a house that is > 85% paid off. I have lived in fear and hurt for 28 years now and I struggle with the question of what God would want me to do.This is something that tears at me all of the time. I hurt and have always been able to adapt but now I’m finding myself edging toward clinical depression.

  243. Hi all. I wanted to take the time to wish all of you addiction bloggers a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are all with the ones that you love and are at peace this holiday. Very best wishes to all of you in the cyber world. Deb

  244. Hi all. I wanted to take the time to wish all of you addiction bloggers a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are all with the ones that you love and are at peace this holiday.

  245. Update:

    I finally got up the courage and separated from my husband today until I can get a divorce. took him off lease and gave him all his belongings. It is time to take back charge of my life and heal emotionally and mentally. No more feeling sorry for him. It’s time to give my all to God and my children. I will be blocking all calls and any pop up visits I know he will attempt to do. Good Bless you all and I wish you the best.

  246. Wow..I am overwhelmed with the posts that I have read today….
    I married my husband 15 years ago, after dating him for 8…(we were 12 when we got together.) We have practically grew up together and did everything TOGETHER….
    Just like so many others, my story is so similar and yet different. We worked in the ministry together. We helped start a new church and traveled in ministry for almost 10 years. In 2005, he was at work (HVAC) and the ladder broke. He fell onto a concrete floor from the attic…
    He became addicted to his pain pills. Since then, we have been through 4 detoxes together. (Him not me-just wanted to clarify)
    We have 3 wonderful children…
    In 2010, the weight was so heavy I could no longer stay…I left with the kids. Of course, it was after many years of emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse… When I left, our water and power had been cut off, we had our vehicles repossessed, and he had just spent over $2,000 on drugs the week before.
    I am not an advocate of divorce…I hate it. I don’t even like the separation. But I can say that I truly did everything GOD commanded me to do as his wife, until my life and the life of my children were in jeapordy…I had already forbid him to drive with them, I wasn’t even leaving them alone at home with him.
    I now know, he had been snorting cocaine, along with many other pills and doing meth. (Weed and alcohol was leisurely experienced.)
    I think when you are in this kind of situation, you DO have to still show them the love of GOD. Even when you are hurting and MAD. I upset many family members by still honoring him as my husband even though we were separated. My goal is and was for him to look back, whether we reconcile or not, and be able to honestly say, I honored the LORD in every action and step I took, and therefore honored him. It wasn’t because he deserved it and it wasn’t because ne required it, but because as a child of GOD I want to always honor GOD even in this….I want HIM to find me faithful to HIS WORD.
    I covered *M* even in his failure. I still do…I will not speak ill of him. I love him very much.
    He went to a rehab clinic in 2011 and stayed 8 weeks. It was a long 8 weeks for every one. And although he has stated he would never go through this again, he still chooses to use….

    I believe that with GOD, *M* can be a wonderful man. His heart is full of LIFE and love when he is not using. And I have encouraged him to take the time while we are separated to find out what makes him happy. TO pursue the gifts and talents that GOD has placed within him and RUN for GOD! I have told him that regardless of whether we work this out, I want him happy and healthy, and HOLY….And I want that for his goodness and well being.
    I think we forget as spouses, that because we are in the situation, and hurt, why we were in love to begin with. I spoke to my dad, (a pastor) and asked him for guidance in this. His response to me was this: “Do you believe that GOD ordained this marriage? Meaning, when you married *M*, do you believe it was meant to be? That GOD had placed you here for each other?” And without hesitation, I said, “YES.” So his next question was this, “Do you think GOD changed HIS Mind?”
    I still believe GOD ordained us…as a couple. And I am still living separated from him… I think when we are asking if it’s okay to separate, its not always permission to divorce. But permission to take the time to step away and PRAY and intercede for how GOD would like us to proceed. I hope that makes sense.
    I just wanted to encourage those ladies who are asking GOD what to do, to continue to ask, seek and pray. It is not always THUS saith, but you will know and have peace with the decision GOD leads you with…
    I want you to know that GOD is a faithful GOD. Even to redeem and restore your loved one (spouse) to HIS fulness as a GODly believer. And HE just might use you to plant a seed to do it…
    My dad passed away in Sept of this year. Suddenly and unexpected. A devastating blow for us all, including my husband. And since his passing, *M* has been working to improve his life. And I believe the addict needs to do this for HIS own good.
    And I agree with Adam, there is a time of proving. A time of showing the fruit that is growing within and we find that in the scripture. In Psalms 26:2, the Bible says, Examine me, O Lord, and prove me.
    Colossians 1:10 says, That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;

    As a child of GOD, I believe we have to be the example we want to see in others. I cannot ask of my husband to live or be something I am not first willing to do myself. (Just in case you are wondering, I am not an addict. I have never used drugs. Not saying that to exhort myself but just wanted you to know.)
    I want to live so that I can show JESUS to my children, my husband and those who live in “my world.”
    Let us strive to HONOR GOD in every action and word we do…
    I pray you will receive this in love. For it is meant in love.

  247. My husband is 58 days sober today and he is staying in a christian based rehab center out in Flint MI called Life Challenge. I am happy for him and will always care for him, but I know with out a doubt that I cannot be married to this man. WAY to much has happened. So I hope that helps some of you. PEACE and LOVE

  248. Christal, If you have done all you can do and there is still no change I think its best to separate or divorce. I have done all I can in my marriage also so I will be filing for divorce very soon. It may take for us to leave them for them to take us serious.

  249. Sarah, Wow I am going through the exact same thing. Depression from the whole situation being prescribed meds, This is so very disturbing and yes confusing. I haven’t gotten a reply back from Dr. Steve so I’ll keep waiting for his reply. Thanks for sharing your story, I can really relate to all you have said. I’ll pray for us all!

  250. so, do I continue to believe God for my husband’s deliverance, and stay here? Or leave and see what happens? I’ve believed. He goes to church. Heck, he’s been to church high numerous times. He keeps saying “something happened, i’m changed, i know what i have to do…” And still it’s the same thing over and over. He gets his drugs mostly from his kids and parents (and more of his family). I’ve told him he’s going to have to stay away from them, but he don’t. I’m seeking wise council.

  251. I don’t know what to do….. The man I fell in love with and married has turned into an addict, which comes with lies, deciet, and so much more. It hurts too bad. I’ve done all I can do.

  252. Summer, I would be happy to email you but I don’t want to post my email address. Maybe Dr. Steve can help us out with that. It does sound like we are in very similar situations and anyone who hasn’t been there just does not understand why it’s so hard to just walk away and not look back or why it’s so hard to say no to them when they beg and plead and make promises. I am currently still not divorced and my husband is back to trying to talk me out of the divorce again. I am so lost and confused. I went to a counselor and he told me I needed medication for depression but that opens a whole new world of problems because #1- you can’t have meds in a house with an addict- they would take cyanide pills if they thought it would get them high. #2- I am the devil for trying to get help for myself, for having mental issues resulting from years of struggling with him and feeling like I am not important enough, and taking meds but he can self medicate every day of his life and that’s ok because he sees nothing wrong with what he does. He’s not the one with the problem. Recently he spent days telling me how concerned he supposedly was for me because I am obviously incapable of happiness if I can’t be happy with a man who loves me as much as he does and that I am some kind of sick person for making him responsible for my happiness. I am not making him responsible for my happiness but when you feel that someone disrespects you and plays with your heart then it definitely affects your ability to be happy. He’s happy, of course, because he gets to do whatever he wants, damn the consequences. Forget about responsibility or common courtesy. He says sometimes you have to step on people’s toes to make yourself happy even if it’s someone who loves you and who you supposedly can’t live without. What a selfish way to go through life!

  253. My husband has been addicted to perscription pain meds for 6 years. It consumed our marriage. He only spoke to me when he was begging for more. He would find his meds, take 20+ 10mg tabs per day and then scream at me when I confronted him. I hate pain pills and almost never drink.

    We have the most beautifull 3 year old son. We had so much to live for. Beautiful home, 3 cars, great jobs . . . and everything has crumbled. I found him supplementing with street drugs and found him consistently drinking while driving with our son in the car . . . I had no choice but to leave him.

    After I left he went downhill, no longer maintaining a functioning life at all. He started heavily drinking and eventually collapsed at his mothers house. He was taken to the hospital by the paramedics and placed in detox the next day.

    Within 2 hours of getting out of the hospital I found him drinking. He is making his choices and they do not include me or my son.

    He is in a program now and I believe that he might be sober. I am struggling with the destruction that he has left behind in our lives. I am seeking God as He is the reconciler of all things, but my husband does not seek Him.

    My husband only talks about how this disease is what has caused all of this and how he was predispositioned to it. He lacks any form of accountability.

    I want to move on with my life my heart is hard and I absolutely acknowledge that this is not of the Lord. How long am I supposed to wait for Him to become the man that Christ would have him to be?

  254. Wow, I see my own story reflected time and time again in these posts. I married my husband three years ago, but found out afterwards he was smoking pot. He told me he hid it from me because he knew I wouldn’t marry him if I had known. Great start.
    Anyway, we have other issues but I’ll start with a bit about me.
    I was brought up in a very controlling church (i.e. cult). As bad as they were, it has been my family which have so mercilessly controlled and manipulated my life to cause me to act and submit the way they deem fit. I walked out of that church at age 25, but only more recently started to understand the cult dynamics in my family (I’m now 30).
    This matters because a) I easily succum to manipulation, and b) my family took a dislike to my husband and have tried to manipulate him into submission to their expectations. This was very painful to watch, and has caused me to do everything I can to protect him from them, whilst still having a relationship with them.
    Problem is, I think I have been so busy defending him, that I never stopped to see what they saw, a man well versed in manipulation!
    So, the Lord has been taking me through a process for a long time now, gratually establishing my self esteem, and opening my eyes to see what is going on around me.
    Back to my husband, not long after we got married, he quit his job and lived off my income for about 18 months. I tried so hard to motivate him to find work but he told me it was his long service leave and that he deserved it. He blamed me for a whole heap of stuff around the wedding, but I now undersand that he was just manipulating me. He needs to start being accountable for his own mistakes and actions.
    Well, it’s all started to spiral in the last few months. He’s not only refusing to hide his pot use, but he is actually doing it in front of me and blatantly telling me it’s okay, he is a good boy, and don’t worry about it. After reading all the posts above, I see he is trying to erode my morales to accept this rotten behaviour.
    He refuses to accept he has a problem, let alone get help.
    The effect on me, particularly given my background, is crushing. I can’t rely on him, I can’t trust him, he does nothing around the house except make a mess he jokingly tells me to clean up (except it’s not a joke because he won’t do it).
    I’ve had enough. I want out. I believe God would understand my stance as he’s somewhat actively destroying our marriage. I believe his cheating (not with other people, problem is it is never with me) is grounds, however the manipulation and abuse he brings to the table defiles the marriage and erodes the trust and value of me to a similar level.
    So, what on earth do I tell my parents? They are the only safe place I could go, but I see them as much of a danger as what my husband is. Truth is, he is the lesser evil so I’m stuck.
    I’m seeking God because unless He does something, I’m stuck for good. The only blessing I see in it all is that I decided not to have kids because I didn’t trust that he would raise them the way I wanted while I was at work. That and the fact that I don’t believe I’m in a mental or emotional state that I could give a child what a child deserves.
    God has taken me a long way since my cult days, I know He won’t forsake me now. I just don’t know if He wants to stand by me in my marriage, or in my seperation.

  255. Rae – I am a male and went through the SAME thing. You gotta give him some time., sorry to tell you that, but it’s the truth. It took me about 1 year to finally get back to reality on things. The body is rewiring itself ‘back to normal’ mode and takes a while. I was just like him, I look back on it and SO-SO dang happy my wife stayed with me. I know it’s hard for you to be there day after day and not knowing what to expect next, but BELIEVE me, it will get better. I thought after I quit that is who I was, angry, explosive and on the edge with everything. About 8 months after I quit, things starting changing with me in a good way. About 12 months out, I was clam and laid back with stuff. Overall, just give him some time to let his body sort things out. He may not know it, but there is a lot of damage substances can do to our body, but we go on our merry ole way. Hang in there and God Bless. I 101% promise you it will get better. Ted

  256. I would have to agree with Rae, flattery is a way for my husband to “win” me over to his sick schemes. I too have a sickness, my need to be loved and needed from a man. My only true source of love is from Christ. And until I become healed in Him, I will allow myself to be manipulated, but at the time I don’t see it. I am blinded by my own desire of love. So I am best without allowing myself to have contact of ANY with my husband. I need time to get renewed by the Holy Spirit and let my mind have a new “normal” God has use this to reveal to me my weaknesses and grow me.

    Rae seek the Bible for wisdom, look up in the back of bible for the word “divorce” and look them up.
    God does use all things to grow and strengthens us, if we choose to obey HIS WAYS. We can still have peace that passes understanding and joy even through the the hard times. He knows what we need in our life to grow us and mold us.
    Hang in there sister!! It bites.
    A restraining order may be needed if you and/or your kids are in danger. You are responsable for their safety.

  257. My husband has been sober from drugs and alcohol for 6 months, praise God, but the battle of a peaceful home still continues. Nothing has changed except for that he is not using. Meaning he still has explosive anger. He name calls, gets in my face, he will grab my arms to turn me away if I am near him. We have two children. 2 and 4 months. This is a vulnerable time for the children being that the 2 year old is now picking up on behaviors and imitating. The environment at home is hostile and unpredictable. Sometimes things are great and our lives are looking up and then it blows up in my face. Literally. All I have is God to stand on. I understand that my husband is completely raw and has no coping skills because of his years of drug abuse. We have been in counseling for almost a year and a half. He is still angry and abusive…name calls, pulls children from my arms, yells. I am no longer attracted to him because of his behavior. I try to speak to him from my heart in honesty and it all gets thrown in my face…he believes I am attacking him and manipulating the situation. I feel my faith in God growing stronger and feel my marriage slowly slip away. I’m exhausted of his nit picking, nagging, anger, I’m never good enough attitude towards me. I’m beyond ready to turn a new leaf but my husband seems addicted to the drama and gets caught up in a psychotic cycle. I can’t do this anymore. I’m burnt out and feel as though if his explosive anger doesn’t stop it could greatly impact our children and possibly get him arrested (due to me calling the police on his abuse). To Katie above, I’m sorry, I have no advice for you. Addicts are exhausting. I feel your pain and will be praying for you and your family.

  258. I have been married to my Husband since 2006. We have been together since 2004. We have two toddler children together. He is into selling weed, growing weed, and smoking it. I have tried to leave him so many times without success. Every time I try and leave, he emotionally manipulates me in staying or change only until he knows he won me back. I am so tired of this viscous cycle. I want out,

    I can’t keep living like this. I fear for my children, I don’t want them growing up thinking this is the way to live. I also don’t want to risk them because of his lifestyle. One of the reasons why i have stayed is because of fear I am breaking my vows to God. I am so anxious to leave but don’t know where to start. I am also afraid that he will try to persuade me back and I give in to him. I have been handling our bills, clothes, and house supplies for the past 9 years.

    He doesn’t help and when i do have extra money he asks for it. He hasn’t worked since 2006. When we had our first child he caused me to lose our place by getting us raided and I still took him back. I’m tired of being naive and risking everything for him, I just don’t want to cause sin by divorcing. We have tried counseling, therapy etc. no success. The other day I told him how I feel, told him when the lease was up that I would be seeking divorce again. He agreed that he needs to change but the next day he talks excitedly about wanting to grow plants, him doing that really made me decide to leave as planned in a few months. So I told him again how I felt and he tried to butter me out go out and by a card, candy and balloon like that will make me stay.

    every time I take charge of my life and get up the courage to leave he tries to keep me with flattery. Other times its so bad that he will act like nothing is wrong, pretend that we never discussed these issues like everything is fine between us. . In the past his family was involved, they would treat me like I am the problem, like he could do know wrong and they know the things he is doing. When my family steps in to get him to stay away its like they are so wrong and need to mind their business. This is so unfair, not just to me but mostly to my children.

    Feb 2012, I filed for divorce but let him talk me out of it. Too many broken promises. I feel like the only way he can’t easily knock on my door or try to come back in my life is if I move out of state or get restraining order if I was to make him leave now. The different times I did put him out, he would break through my window to get back in. I am starting to wonder if it is just weed that he is on. What kind of life is this to continue in? Please help, any advice is greatly appreciated. I will update in a few months.

  259. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 yrs. He had used before I meet him and was clean for several years. We went through all the pre-marrige mentoring through the church and had many of our friends, elders, pastors and fam. praying for us. If God’s will for us to be married. This was both of our 2nd marriage. I have 3 children from former marriage.
    He had an drinking insident 2 weeks into our marriage. Not coming home for 1/2 a day. He was open and said he had began drinking 4 months prier to our wedding in March. He contined this cycle about every 2 weeks. Then started using crack/cocaine.
    He went to a Christian rehab, and relasped 2 wks into it. He is a Chrstian who is seeking to change, but keeps going back. In Sept. of 2011 he went out of control, tried to drown himself in river, a Pastor of our church found him and took him to Salvation Army rehab center. After 10 wks in a 9 month program he left. I told him I wasn’t ready for him to come home, but he did anyway.
    He has been in and out of work, stolen, pawned, lied, decived. We have been seperated for 9 months. I have been seeking counsel from pastor and christian friends, but my hard is growing hard towards him.
    What are the steps that need to be taken. I don’t like the behavoir and the uncertainty and anxiety that being married to an addict brings! My whole family wants me divorce him. My pastors are believing God will bring His will about in His timing and seeing the fruit of my husbands actions, which i agree. **** In the mean time how can you tell if someone is really committed to change when they have done the…repeant, I am sorry deal, then a wk later you find he has fourged your name on a check, or stolen your credit card, or pwaned your kids computer or family jewles. I agree wit some of these posts,, it has been more peaceful with him gone these last 9 months. I don’t want to live in fear of, what now? how am I going to pay these bills!!! I home school my children, I didn’t think I was getting a 4th child when I got married. I know I have sin that Christ forgives and I have contiuned to show forgiveness and grace and love my husband.
    Living out 1 peter 3 was a main thing I focused on for at least the last 2 years.

  260. First, my last post I stated that I am going to look at him in a different way but he continues to surprise me. The beginning of the month he disappeared again when his check arrived and smoked all the money. My daughter had to help me cover his bills. Let me remind you he do not want her living with us because her living with me stops the abuse. I have come to a decision his drugs, alcohol, and habits is his first love. I have tried to love him but he continues to verbal abuse me and my daughter, also continues to make threats. I am praying because this is really affected my life. I had to go on a 90 day leave of absence from school to get my life back on track – I have one more year for my bachelors now I have to put that on hold. I am running out of options. He do not help me, clean but eat, watch television all day, and continues to say he is retired. He only make 700 dollars a month from SS, and when he get medication from his doctor, he sells to his friends for more income. I live a different life. I just do not want the Lord to be mad at me with the decision I am going to make.

  261. I know divorce is never easy but it is so confusing when you can not In Imagine your life with out somebody, but you also can not Imagine living this way for the rest of your life. He is being really and says he understand why i am wanting to leave but still doesn’t his addiction he just thinks he is doomed to be like this forever. I have tried to support him for years and have gotten no where. It makes me feel like i am not important enough.

  262. My husband can no longer acquire spice where we live. At first he would just drink heavily. A few weeks ago he flung mustard all over our living room and kitchen when he was drunk and wanted to fight. Walls, ceilings, windows, furniture, appliances, everything. Then he bought a $100 bag of weed from a neighbor. I want to call the police and turn them in but I know it will all come down on my head in the end. My husband has a very good job right now making very good money and so I tried to get him to see what he was risking. He asked me to pee in a cup for him so he can carry it in his jockey shorts all day at work in case something happens and they ask him to pee. He works a dangerous job in a dangerous industry. I said I would not pee for him because I can no longer enable him. He said I was a piece of garbage and a horrible wife, that a REAL wife would try to protect her family and have her husband’s back. He fought with me on this for almost an entire day when he was supposed to be sleeping and going to work that night. I finally had to leave. Over and over he would ask and accuse me of not caring if he lost his job and not trying to help keep a roof over our heads. I feel like he should have thought about that before he bought the pot but he doesnt’ see it that way of course. He refuses to take responsibility for it. I feel like I am doing the right thing but he started to wear me down so I told him I would pee for him if he threw away the rest of his bag and that was out of the question of course. At the end I had to wonder if I really was a bad person even though deep down I don’t feel that I am. We are in the process of divorce at this time and though I often feel like this is not really what I want, times like that I feel like it is the right thing for me and the kids to get away from him, for him to finally hit rock bottom and see what he has lost. That night he didn’t wake up in time for work. He had been drinking and smoking pot all day and didn’t go to bed until a couple hours before he had to get up for work. I tried and tried to wake him but he would open his eyes and stare at me with this stupid blank stare, looking right through me and speak gibberish. He missed work and almost lost his job but he spent the next day smoking pot all day again. After so many years I know he will never learn. His family is all enablers, and addicts themselves and it seems like everyone he knows is like him so he doesn’t understand why I am so uptight. Especially since when we were young I would do many of those things with him and now I’m just an old fuddy duddy to him. He is fighting the divorce with everything he has at home but hasn’t lifted a finger for the courts so I will be divorced by default which is his way of saying this is all on me and he never wanted a divorce and he keeps telling me I am screwing up because I have a man who loves me and treats me better than anyone else. He may love me in his own way but of course he does not treat me better than anyone else. And I love him but I have to do this for all of us. The children and I will not be able to go forward in our lives as long as he does these things in our home.

  263. For me, and this is just me. I will never tell you have to get out or you have to stay because I believe everyone has a differant journey and path even if we have a hundred things in common. Bottom line is you are your own person and your marriage is unique to you, your husband, and your children. But I stopped listening to me about 8 years ago for the most part. I take in the advice of others but God is my final authority in every aspect of life. As much as I have wanted to leave off and on for years, God wants me to stay. It’s about not letting the enemy achieve his ultimate goal. He attacks families and mainly marriage. He attacks marriages thru temptations and strongholds. Marriage is suppose to be a representation of the bond of God to Christ and Christ to God and both being joined as one showing love for us thru God’s gift of His Son and the gift of Christ on the cross to save us from our sin. Our marriage as a union becoming one should represent that. But the enemy comes in and one or both of us peeks in that door even if just a small little temptation. And eventually that door is wide open with a free for all for the enemy. And he starts with one then it hits the marriage, the children, extended family, and friends. And thru one union being broken hundreds of lives are generationally destroyed. I’m not promoting any marriages of violence of physical or serious emotional abuse because that’s not God. But if God ever told me to leave I would leave but I’m not gonna leave because I feel tired or angry. God loves me and my children and if He wanted me out I would know it because He loves me too much. I have to listen to His voice over my own and others.

  264. I had another experience with him leaving the home not returning. He got his check on the first and came back home with nothing. I didn’t have all my rent money because I am unemployed, but in college. My daughter help me with the rent, so I owe her money. I finally got my check to pay my college classes, but the bank took my money from unpaid depts. I am so tired of this, now I have to go on a leave from school to get back on track. His drugs and drinking habits is detroying me and my daughter. He sits around the house eating, sleeping, drinking, and raging saying he is retired. I just need help. I am thinking of leaving him.

  265. Me and my husband met when i was 13 i was pregnant by 14. My husband and i have now been together for 15 years and have 4 beautiful kids. My husband and i smoked pot when we met when i got pregnant at 14 i never have touched any drugs since that time my life had revolved around my kids. 5 years into our relationship we got married 2 months later he told me he was a meth addict and had Bern since the start. I was devastated everything that i thought was true had just been shattered. For the next 10 years i have been trying to save him. He has been to rehab 3 times multiple counseling church groups. He has never completed them, he has did finish a30 day stay in rehab but did not complete you patient. He had continued to use drugs for 15 years sometimes meth or pills or alcohol.when he is using ether pain i feel is unexplainable i try to trust him and do the Christian thing and support him. I am to the point that there is nothing left of me. I struggle with leaving because of the guilt and my kids. And when my husband is clean he is amazing. How do you know you are leaving for unselfish reasons?

  266. I have read several of your post but far from all of them. I have been with my husband for 20 years, married 15. We have 4 children together. When we first met we both drank heavily together. Then I became pregnant and that all stopped for me. He continued to use off and on, more on than off. But I did not go into this relationship blindly, I knew what I was getting myself into. My husband always provided for his family, that was never an issue back then. But he worked at a bar and after work would stay out all night and his drug of choice back then was coke and drinking. I spent many a nights crying and alone. Always on edge whether his was alive or in jail, worrying about the vehicle getting impounded, all that stuff. I use to try to block the door and hide his keys. I’ve always been the, trying find out who’s numbers he called, where he was at, checked his pockets and hiding spots. Then his mother became ill and eventually died of cancer. This changed him for 2 years. He went to meetings, let me get his paychecks, and did really well. Well then he injured his back at work and started taking opiates. There went our life once again. He started taking things and selling them, leaving again, got really defensive and emotionally abusive, and eventually I found out he was in jail for robbery after he had been missing for 3 days. My vehicle had to be recovered and he was in jail. His step brother put up the money to bail him out right after Thanksgiving so he’d be home for Christmas. While he was out he got clean, went to marriage classes through a church organization along with me and starting attending church. In May he was sentenced to 2 years. Those 2 years were as hard at times as dealing with the addiction. Being alone, raising 3 kids at the time by myself, and dealing with my oldest behavioral issues was so hard. But during those 2 years God supplied all of my needs above and beyond. But emotionally it was hard. When my husband got out he immediately knew it was a struggle to stay clean, they have access to drugs in prison just not as much, but he decided to go to a methodone clinic. He got a job with a friend at church and did really well ( not relapse free from cocaine but few relapses). Then before his 35th birthday he was at work and couldnt remember how to do his job, he started to lose sight in one eye and his arm wouldnt function. I thought “oh great he’s messed up and he’s taken a bad batch of something”. We took him to the hospital and they drug tested him because I think they thought he was high. NO DRUGS other than methodone. He had a stroke. They found two holes in his heart. Drugs had nothing to do with it. After the stroke it was like his addiction went into full effect. Hardily any days of sobriety. He was hooked on crack. He still struggles now. When I was younger it was all about him like I was obscessed and addicted to the addict, then I submitted unto God, then when he went to jail I put up a wall of you wont hurt me, now I am verbally abusive and I belittle him. He has been through a lot in life, emotional abuse, abandonement, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, and he is so broken inside. I say all this to make this statement: When we are with someone who has an addiction, especially drugs because they add a lot of elements, it is so hard to seperate the addict from the person. We can sometimes hate the wrong person. My husband will do anything for anyone, he’s caring, a hardworker, and loves his family but when he’s using he’s a liar, munipulator, and a thief. But God keeps telling me to fight for my marriage. I’m not saying this is the answer for everybody but I’m saying hear the wisdom of others but listen to the voice of God for your situation. Don’t compare yourself to others because you, your spouse, your marriage are all unique and never perfectly matched to anyone else. Seek and pray to God for direction and don’t let fear, frustration, or anger decide for you because emotions can confuse the truth. Be blessed, Dianne

  267. I am learning that marriage is like the lottery. Very few win, but almost everyone plays the game. I have been married to an addict for four years. He has been an addict for 3 of those four. Our first year he was clean. He went away last May to a discipleship program to help him out. It was awesome! He was there until December of 2011. We experienced love and reconciliation and our marriage grew strong during that time. Now, not even a year out and he’s back at it! Drama, rage, helplessness, drugs, drinking, depression, etc. I have been praying and talking with other ladies who lift me up, but I am just plain sick of it. Ready to get out. Scared to stay, scared to leave. Feeling oppressed, depressed and above all- STUCK.

  268. Well my husband has hit another bottom. 10 days ago he went on a drug binge in hopes of killing himself. He has been in an intensive care since he was admitted. I still plan to divorce him. I just got through my boards and got my RN license. I am happy about this, but again my husbands sickness has put a damper on this happy time. I am planning to divorce him. Im not sure if this is the right time, but is there ever really a right time?????? I have come to find out that he has been using drugs since he was 15, he is now 35. I wasnt to have a healthy relationship with him at some point if it is possible. Im thinking that my plans to divorce him need to be shelved until he is somewhat mentally and physically well. I know this is what I will do, but I have absolutely no desire to be married to this man. He is very sick and he made me very sick until I was able to get out. He has been in and out of rehab for 2yrs but it doesn’t seem to have helped. His mind is not right. We are thinking of comminting him when he gets out of the ICU. I believe that he needs an impatient psych facility that can meet some of his mental illness needs including addiction. Dr. Steve does such a facility exist. If I have him commitied then wouldn’t that just be for a short stay? I believe that he needs a long term care facility. Do you have a any suggestions? I would really appreciate anything the readers have to offer as well. As his wife I still have power over his care. I want to do the best thing for him.

  269. I was saved in 2010 and have been trying to live a good Christian life with my husband of 7 months. What I mean by trying is I feel I am not being the best Christian I can be. I am constantly dealing with the struggles of my husband’s pain pill abuse, financial constraint being the only one with a job, and having to endure emotional/stress/heart ache on a daily basis. I have tried the ultimatum (change or I’m gone) with my husband but he called my bluff each time. He will be “clean” long enough for me to start feeling like this time he really has changed and this might work. He will go to Church with me, but I feel it is more for show than he wants to be there. When he relapses he does not go at all and gets angry if I go without him. Many of the stories above are my situation with my husband to almost a T. My husband was just arrested for the 2nd in less than a few months. I am sure this last charge is going to have him doing some time in jail. I thought loving him would be enough and if he loved me this would change. I believe the trouble he continues to find himself in, is God’s way of showing him he is off track. It only appears this works only for a limited time and he back to his old ways. I continue to support him financially and emotionally. Even though it is breaking me in all aspects. I just don’t know if I have anymore left in me to Trust that this time he will change. Divorce is an option I am looking heavily into. I want to be the best Christian and person I can be. But my husband’s dependency is controlling me and my life. And I feel like this is holding me back from God’s plan. Or is this God’s plan for me? Is divorce just the easy answer?

  270. It is so disheartening to hear of how many women are going through the same thing, and a common thing seems to be that most of us did not know that our husbands were using before we married them. I am so disturbed by the lack of commitment to these relationships and marriages from the very beginning, how they can just enter into a marriage being completely deceptive…

    I have decided to take my focus off of my husband and start going to al-anon meeting for myself. I need the support and need to be able to talk and listen to people who understand exactly where I am coming from. My daughters need me and need me to be healthy and I can not do that when I am constantly focused on him. For my daughters sake I hope my husband gets his stuff together, but if he chooses not to, then that is the decision he has made FOR HIMSELF, but not for me and my daughters. Stay strong ladies and seek support!!

  271. Drug facilities or rehab does work. I have been in and out of facilities for 2 1/2 years with my husband. At first he did not have any support system, but since he met me I have been by his side. True he stop smoking crack cocaine after 40 years, but he still struggle with acohol and cigarettes. I am really trying to look beyond his faults and see his needs after my last post. I am trustin in the Lord that his will be done. I still get tired, but to respond to his behaviors means I have not defeated this demon. Don’t get me wrong, he makes my stomach sick also. But I am trying to see him in a different way.

  272. I haven’t posted for a few months, but I have been reading the posts others have been leaving. My husband decided to enter treatment at the Christian based facility a friend found and told me about and he has been there since July 10th. He seems to be doing well, since they are Christian based he even had to quit smoking cigarettes and that is the only thing he has struggled with an used a few times since he has been there. He has a job now and I think that helps him feel more like a “man” since the first 4 weeks he could not leave the house he is at. This past weekend we had to stop at the house he was staying at while he was gone in June to get a few shirts he left there, this was his dealer’s house. I was SICK in my stomach as I waited for him to come out and he was only in there 6 minutes. He told me it was difficult which is why he didn’t stay to talk to the guy very long and did not do anything while he was in there, even smoke a cigarette. He is struggling to forgive himself for things he has done in the past (had a car accident where a passenger died) but he realizes that God loves him and forgives him. He is working on himself and his commitment to the Lord is stronger than it has ever been. He has a long road ahead of him and I know we do as a married couple as well…but I can see that the Lord can do miracles IF people allow Him too.

  273. SeekingGodswill,

    My experience tells me that you need to educate yourself about Codependency and setting boundaries.

    Yes, you love him and are committed to staying with him, but setting and maintaining boundaries is the only way he will change his behavior toward you and the family. He must believe that you will leave if he doesn’t get help and that everything is on the line if he continues with his current behavior.

    Also realize, he may choose his drug over you and the family.It’s hard to believe, but that choice is made everyday by addicts who refuse to get help.

    Understanding Codependency is learning that we give love to receive love. We need healing in ourselves to be free of Codependency.
    Dr Townsend and Dr Cloud are experts in Codependency and material related. Check them out.

  274. My husband & I have been married almost two years, we have 3 kids..his & mine. We have been dealing with his crack addiction for a year. I didn’t know about it when we married..he has been addicted for 13 years off & on. Our marriage sounds like a few of the other ladies, when he’s home he works, goes to church, reads & prays..then he may take a lot of money & dissapear for 3 days to weeks. I am trying to stay & be the supportive wife because I know the man I married is still there if he could/would only try to beat the addiction. I feel like I make excuses for him, but I know he has a lot of pain & regrets that fuel the addiction..I am currently trying to get him into counseling. I know most people will say I should walk away & get a divorce but I can’t. I have resolved that if I have to I will move out & raise my children but I will not divorce. It’s hard because I still love him with all my being & when I look at him I don’t see the addict..I see the man I know he can be, the man he is when he’s not on the drugs. I just don’t know what to do anymore because I’m tired of the pain, but I can’t give up on him. Any advice would be helpful..

  275. I have been married now for 6 months, and it have not been a pretty good marriage. I thought when I got married his addiction would change, but secretly it got worse. Do not get me wrong, I do love him, but he continues to abuse me in different areas. He gets drunk and then began to verbally, economic, emotionally, and blaming abuse. He has been using crack cocaine for many years, selling drugs, alcohol, and a disorder. I have prayed, stand faithful to him, even helped him overcome his demons. I am a minister, author, in college, and seeking to start my own business.

    He receives a disability check every month, and he feels like he retired. The only thing he feels that is close to a job is ‘pill shopping.’ I am so tired. I have no strength to deal with him. I am now seeing a psychologist. I am at the end of the road. But the good thing about it I have peace about my daily circumstances. I just hate that he get drunk to put me down. He wants to live off of me, but do not seek to better himself. I really need advice from others because my next visit is in divorce court.

  276. Honi,
    You know what to do and you are selling yourself and your daughters out by believing these lies. Actions speak louder than words. Addicts have a fear, something so deeply rooted within themselves and do not want to face this fear. A lot of times they don’t even know what it is that they are afraid of, maybe the pain of the past, maybe resentment within…idk, but you have to be true to you and your daughters. No matter what you can not fix this within him, you only have control of yourself and have to make the decisions of what is true within your heart. If your man truely loved himself he would stay straight for himself and for your family. Please consider the larger scope of what your life together will be like in 1, 5, 10 years. Best case would be he cleans up, faces his fears and begs for your forgiveness and for you to return and live happy together. If you stay the bitterness is only going to grow and will break YOU and affect your daughters…Peace and may God guide you…

  277. My husband has been a drug addict for many many years. We recently just passed our 11 yr anniversary and it has been the worst 11 years of my life. My husband has been addicted to crack, marijuana, k2, alcohol, and other drugs I am not even aware of. I am at a point in my life where I feel like if that’s who he wants to be then fine, but get out of mine and my daughters lives. My children have been so devastatingly affected by all of this I feel like I am just as much to blame as he is because I have stayed. He has been to jail and rehab numerous times and every time he is a “new man” and very shortly after he is the same man. I am sick to my stomach at of stupid he thinks I am, the ridiculous excuses he comes up with that he thinks I believe but in reality I am just sick of hearing. I have grown so bitter and cold towards caring about what he does anymore except for the way it affects me and my children. I don’t know what to do anymore, it just seems there is no way out.

  278. Ruth,
    I’m sorry but I find it very hard to believe you have ever been in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic if you are suggesting a book that pushes a family dynamic from the dark ages. A book that has been said to actually ADVOCATE a co-dependent relationship? Submissive? Wouldn’t that be great ladies? To be able to depend on your husband to take care of you and to submit to him? Wouldn’t it be awesome to not have to take care of every little thing in your life because your husband is too high or drunk all the time to do anything for himself, much less for you or your children? I can no longer blame myself for his drug and alcohol use. No matter how sweet and submissive I have been, or how hard hearted, he still finds an excuse to blow off responsibilities to go get hammered. And then calls me every name in the book when I won’t drag myself and my children out of bed at 1 in the morning to go pick him and his brother up from the bar- when I am the one who has to work in the morning. I guess I should have just submitted and went to get hi