I am in love with an addict: Why do I stay?

Are you in a relationship with an addict? Explore patterns with someone who’s been there – and learn how to ask the big questions so that you can start to get help.

minute read

How many times have you asked yourself why you continue to stay in a co-addictive relationship with an addict? When you are in a relationship with someone where a substance comes first it is likely you have tried; ultimatums, interventions, rehab, AA, NA, therapy, family therapy, ignoring, begging, pleading, and crying to no avail. If sobriety IS attained, it is usually followed by relapse and broken promises. Ultimately things go back to the way they were—being last on the list of your loved ones priorities while drugs and alcohol is first.

So how can you become ready to address your own codependence and co-addiction? Tips from someone who’s been there here.  And a section at the end for your questions or comments or experiences.

The Beginning Phase: Attraction and love

In the beginning of a relationship with an addict things are usually amazing. Stories of courtship are often described as an incredible experience. This honeymoon period is seen by the sober mate as a remarkable love story. This time is usually described as a period of charm, fascination, and attraction.

The new relationship is so intense that the addict is usually able to hide their demons. In order for an addict to function they must become very good at manipulation, lies and creating drama to deflect their substance abuse. Their behaviors may be so aloof, appealing and beguiling that the sober partner is intrigued by the mystery and thrill of the addict’s actions. Even if the sober partner feels that something may not be right, they ignore their instincts. The addict is able to make light of their substance abuse and convince their partner that they just like to party once in a while.

The person who is sober is so clouded by their desire to be with the addict they do not ask any questions.When the sober mate can no longer keep up with partying or accept the inconsistencies in an addict’s storiesthey may start to ask questions. At this point, it is typically too late. They are already in love.

The Middle Phase: Committment and concern

Loving an addict can bring up many mixed emotions. I started to notice that my boyfriend’s car was home when it was supposed to be at work. When I confronted him, he told me I was seeing things. Then I would drive by his work and notice his car was not there. I wanted to believe I was seeing things more than I wanted to face the fact that my gut was probably right. He called me one weekend and spoke to me in the strangest tone making some outrageous statements. He had disappeared for a couple of days and said he was with friends.

After my worry got the best of me, I went to his apartment. I found him sitting up on his couch, asphyxiating from a drug overdose. Because my feelings for him were so strong, I allowed him to let me believe that this was not a problem and things just got out of control. He swore it would never happen again. I was desperately afraid of this behavior but I loved him so much I felt it would hurt more to be without him.

The middle, or the “discovery period” of a relationship with an addict can be baffling. This is a time where the love is so strong and both parties have made commitments to one another but there is a clear realization that something is wrong. The discrepancies and contradictions in stories and unpredictable behaviors of the addict become more apparent. The addict is feeling more comfortable with the relationship and secure their loved one is not going to just up and leave.But it becomes more difficult for an addict to hide their addiction because they are spending more time with their partner.

Deep down, the sober party knows there is something inherently wrong. They will start to ask questions, dig deeper, and possibly confront the addict about their addictive tendencies. This discovery period can last weeks, months, or years, depending on if the addict is more functional or dysfunctional in their addiction. The sober partner may be questioning their own eyes, sanity, and reality just to try and believe an addict’s lies. Over time,the strange, unexplained behavior can no longer be chalked up to nothing.

It is at this time that the sober partner may become “hooked” or addicted to the addict. Their love becomes more desperate and they feel that it is their responsibility to help the addict see there is something wrong and fix it. The addict will use this love to manipulate their partner into staying.

When will this addiction end?

When it becomes clear that there is a problem things will start to deteriorate in the relationship. The decline can happen very fast. You see the addict as a different person from the one you fell in love. This new person is revealing themselves more and more of the time. The addict is no longer hiding their addiction but instead making excuses for it. Wanting to believe them, you entertain promises of sobriety and proposed behavior changes. These are typically empty promises.

The sober mate knows the addict’s life is at risk. The worry, fear, and obsession over their partner may become chronic. Nights are spent wondering if the addict will come home,and hours or sometimes days are spent waiting for a phone call. This becomes the norm. When they do show up, you watch your spacey-eyed partner make excuses as to why they were not available.The sober mate will make desperate attempts to plead for the addict to change because they hope there is still a viable future for their relationship.

Co-addiction begins

There is a turning point that occurs sometimes without notice. This is when the sober partner becomes a co-addict. A co-addict is a person who puts the addict’s addiction over their own needs. A co-addict will enable and cover up for the addict in an attempt to help them. A co-addict will spend countless hours trying convince them that they need help.

A co-addict is torn. They want to leave but they cannot. They want to believe the addict will change and think their support and love will save them. They want to be there when the addict recovers. Actions speak louder than words and usually the addict’s actions are not consistent with their words and promises. The two will go back and forth with one another making and breaking promises. A co-addict’s life will be turned upside down and inside out dealing with the addict.

Holding out longer than you should

Even though a co-addict loves a person with a serious disease and knows deep down they should leave, it is not always easy to walk away. While we cognitively understand that zero tolerance for drug use and abuse is required, some will marry, have children with, move in with, become financially dependent on and/or financially support the addict over the course of the relationship despite the addiction. Most feel they are abandoning the addict if they leave. Regardless of the scenario, most co-addicts will wonder when this will end and the person they fell in love with will return. That person may only show themselves now in glimpses. These short episodes keep us holding on longer than we should.

The reasons co-addicts stay no longer matter. The situation becomes so convoluted even the co-addict does not understand why they continue to the relationship. They only know what they feel and how much they still love the addict but abhor the situation.

How do you leave?

How do you leave someone you love so much even though they hurt you when they have a serious problem? That is a very good question. If you find yourself in this situation, you are not alone. There is help, but the help is not for the addict, it is for you.

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.


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  1. I was supposed to marry my best friend two weeks ago. Instead, I found out 6 days before the wedding that he had relapsed weeks beforehand after years of being completely clean, and he couldn’t stop. I’ve known he has had a rocky past, but I wasn’t prepared for this. The drug he relapsed on is harder than anything he had ever tried and he is struggling bad. He is seeking outpatient help, daily accountability partners, and attending counseling sessions regularly but refuses inpatient help because he is convinced he can overcome without it. My heart hurts more than I have words for. I love him so much. We have been together for years, and he is such a sweet, gentle, kind, and strong man, and amazing leader. We have been through good times and bad, but he would never speak a harsh word to me, and has always been very mature. But now I’ve seen a side of him I never expected to see- outright lying to my face, broken promises, cruel words and actions.. Who is this person and where did the love of my life go?? I still want to marry him, but the trust I had for him is completely gone and though he is working on building it back I am told I need to leave the relationship… Is leaving him really the only way? What if it looks like there is progress? Am I being foolish by still wanting to marry him? He is helping himself and getting better, and I’m certain he isn’t doing it for me. He hates this too and doesn’t want this, and is trying to get this to end. I don’t know what to do. My life is upside down and my dreams for the future are shattered. I have never dealt this this before and never expected to… I am so torn.

    1. Do NOT stay. My boyfriend relaplsed, went to detox, got it and used, I left him. He went to rehab and checked himself out and had a horrific overdose and is in icu and it’s extremely bad. This all happened within the last three weeks he was found unresposive and not breathing Monday and now he’s in kidney failure amongst a plethora of other issues. I’m trying to identify if I was or am being codependent since I am still in love with him but I will never get back together with him if he survives this. I’ve been at the hospital daily but when they take him out of sedation I will most likely not be there anymore I don’t want him to have false hope.

  2. I am in love with a cocaine addict. Who will not admit he has a problem at all. These things I just read above are my exact life and I think it’s time to leave.. the last straw for me was Mother’s Day when he tricked to bring him to buy his drugs . When I asked if he had cocaine on him he looked me straight in the eyes and lied . Even after I told him that being in my vehicle could ruin my career. What hurts the most for me is the potential this man has to be great in every way!! I’m having a hard time cutting the cord but I believe I did all I can and I see it just getting worse and worse! Let me be clear he finances his own habit .. I don’t give him a dime. But he lost his license to a dui and I do take him to work and for errands . I would never agree to take him to buy drugs knowingly! I need advice.. I’m going crazy over here .. he is just coming off of it and he is super mean!!! And cannot be spoken to.

    1. Jacquelyn,
      You basically told me you know it’s going to get worse and knowing that is one thing but doing something about it is another. You really need to make the commitment to let him go and move on with your life. Leaving him is about self-respect, self-love and self preservation because I know from experience how miserable it is to be with an addict. Please read Hope Street, it is my story and it will give you some great insight as I too was married to someone initially addicted to cocaine and that eventually lead to other things.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHCwww.hopestreetmemoir.com

  3. The addict in my life is my 35 year old daughter. This makes it hard. She wants to live with me so that she can pay off a huge debt. She is not in recovery and continues to lie, disappear, lives with heroin addict boyfriend, uses when he uses, etc. I moved to another state. She wants me to move back to her home state. I am tempted, but know I should not do so. How do I detach with love. I do not want to talk to her. We have an unhealthy relationship, and I am tired of hanging in there. Is it ok not to take her calls or try to find out if she is using?

    1. Bev,
      This is the hardest relationship to detach from. A child is something you can never truly stop caring for but if you look at it like this–what I don’t do might actually help her get sober, maybe it will be a little easier to swallow. If you enable in any way, you are helping her use. What I suggest is telling her you will be there on the other side when she is really ready to get sober. You will support her but you cannot be in her life while she is actively using.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street, http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

  4. I broke up with him, and it was the best thing I ever did. My advice to other people run as fast as you can if your with a drug addict. I have no regrets and I’m so happy that he’s gone. Ladies, take back you life, you will be glad that you did.

    Thanks, Liliana

  5. Thank you for writing this article, there aren’t enough like it. My girlfriend of several months has a history of meth and alcohol abuse. Her addiction is so bad that she resorts to drinking rubbing alcohol and hand sanitizer when she runs out of liquor. When we met, she told me she had been in recovery for about a year, but I later learned she had only been clean for about 7 months–and that relapsing was an annual pattern for her. She disappeared for about a week during the first relapse, leaving her family and I wondering if she had been kidnapped or murdered. She finally called us, crying and asking for us to come help her. We found her in nothing but her coat, covered in bruises in a house full of men she had been selling herself to for free coke, meth, heroin, and alcohol. When we got her home, she told me she loves me forever and was so, so sorry for being so selfish and made all kinds of plans to recover and never relapse again. Within a week, however, she disappeared again, going back to the same house to relapse and missing my 30th birthday without so much as a text message. She was hospitalized at some point during this relapse because she became extremely violent and was a danger to others, but as soon as she was let out she went right back to using. For some reason I can’t bring myself to leave her–so I started going to Codependents Anonymous and reading Codependent No More in hopes of overcoming my own issues and finding the strength. She’s the most attractive, talented, intelligent, and creative person I’ve ever met and I worry that I’ll never attract someone as otherwise amazing as her again.

    1. I too love a charismatic addict. We have been together for 2 years. I found out he was addicted to meth and alcohol 4 months after we met. We went through a honeymoon period where he did not use at all because he was on probation and in treatment for several Dui’s. That lasted almost a year. Now he is back using again. I am also taking care of his 10 year old son. He was supposed to come home tonight around 7 and he is more than 3 hours late. He is not answering my phone calls. I know the signs by now. He is drunk or high and does not want to face me, his son or reality
      I love him so much and this is torture. When do I leave? How much more of this do I take?

    2. Alex,
      It doesn’t sound like her life is very attractive, or desirable. It sounds like she is dragging you down with her and that she needs serious mental help. It doesn’t sound like you are together, as she is sleeping with a multitude of other people. It is time to change your view so you can really see what is going on here. I have been there. Please pick up my book, Hope Street, you need to understand what you are really dealing with at this point. This is not the person you once knew and she may never be again so it might be time to take care of yourself.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street, http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

  6. I hate my life. I’ve tried and tried to leave but I am exactly the thing that is killing me. I am an addict of an addict. I love him. I dont want to fight over our baby
    I just want to be a normal family. My husband is part narcissist part addict. I feel like i’m going crazy. I’m to blame for everything. His famous line is well if you would have just…. …I hate it but dont know how to escape it

    1. Lostcause,
      Only you can change this. Only you can make the decision to stop the cycle. He won’t, he never will. You have to take responsibility for your part in your own misery. As co-addicts we all have to do this.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street, http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

      1. Amanda, you know there are a small number of addicts that do end up getting help and changing for the better being happily married for the rest of their lives don’t you? Why are you telling everyone that their partners will never get better? I am an addict and a disabled veteran. Everyone told my wife to leave me and she didn’t listen to them, nothing broke us up, nobody ever could touch us. Guess what? We proved them wrong and are happily married with a beautiful 7 year old son. Some of them are happy for us and the others who are not we removed from our lives. There is nobody that will ever break us up. To death do us part.

  7. Ok so I have been with a man for 12 years on and off. I love him with all my heart and he is my ride or die. He has been in and out of jail and just got out of prison. I cant tell anymore whether he loves me or if im just being used for what he wants or needs. The other day he went back to jail and now after a few weeks of not talking to me hes blowing up my phone from jail. Its a hard realization that he really doesnt love me. And that I was only being used. I only see his sensitive loving side when hes sober. I miss him and love him and cant be the one to bury him. Do I try to stay or do I find my soulmate?

    1. Julie,
      What do you think? What is in your gut? Do you think that you are ever going to have what you want with this person? If so, by all means keep at it but I have the feeling you are reading this article because deep down you know that this is never going to work. It is time for you to make a change.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street, http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

  8. I don’t know what to do . I can’t live without him and he can’t live without his crack. I keep rescuing him and bringing him back home when he’s on a bender in the bad part of town. When he’s not using he’s an angel
    and we are so in love, nothing else matters. But then he disappears without a trace and it’s like he becomes someone else. I gave him my dog for emotional support and the dog is dead. My children are barely speaking to me. I left a good job and alienated people who care about me for him. No one understands and everyone thinks I’m crazy . He says I’m the love of his life, his angel, I make him whole… But he’s killing me. It’s hell every time he goes away. I never know if he’s going to come back or end up dead in a ditch. He’s not young anymore. Last week he was assaulted. Told me he doesn’t care about the bad things when he’s high. I go looking for him in the bad side of town. I talk to people on the street until I find him. Some of them know me now. I pulled a pipe out of his hand and pryed rocks out of his mouth . He behaves like the rat in the cage who chooses the crack over food or water until he dies. I pray for him and for myself everyday . It hurts sooo bad. Why won’t God just let me save him. I want to die but , I won’t kill myself. I have ‘ protective factors’. I wish I were dead. I want him to love me and be good to me. Part of me is hoping for a miracle, the other part knows it will all end in tradgedy

    1. Katia,
      Have you read Hope Street? if not please do. It will help you understand that this is not about him, it is about you.
      This is about your need to save someone and deflect from your own life because you are filling a void. The addict fills the
      void with drugs and you fill your void with the addict.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street, http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

  9. I am exactly in that situation right now
    My fiancé disappeared in the middleof the night ,
    Returned 30 hours later.

    He did it twice in December and I don’t think I can’t do this anymore but he Ian the best person I ever met when he is sober. He took appointment to see the doctor but if he is willing to leave at 2-3 am sober to get high with ppl … I guess he doesn’t want to help himself yet

  10. My wife is currently on a meth run right now and I don’t know what to do. I have my 6 and 8 year old in the house, but they seem oblivious to her mood swings, being that she is not aggressive towards them. However, she is extremely aggressive and angered with me, for some reason. She tried to hit me and said “you love seeing me all fucked up huh”. I don’t know if I should just leave my kids here and get out, or wait for her to calm down and see what happens. I know if I try to take my kids she will go into a full rage, and tryin to avoid that. Just feeling helpless.

    1. Rob,
      I hope things have gotten better but I have the feeling not much as changed and I really want you to understand that you are helpless if you are trying to help the addict. You are NOT helpless if you are helping yourself and your children.
      I wouldn’t leave my children with an active addict. I think you might want to consider making her leave.
      Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
      author, Hope Street, http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

  11. I just filed for divorce The hardest thing I ever had to do. My addicts behavior gout of of control when spending night with her ex husband who is an addict. I payed the bills and became her enabler an a codependent. I have been married almost 3 years. Her habits but me into chapter 13. My credit score before her was 780. She trades drugs with her so called friends also users. I lost who I was. When she’s sober she’s amazing. But I cannot continue on this way I have lost over 40 lbs in three weeks not a bad thing. But my advice is get out early. I still love her with all my heart. It will take a long time to heal. But you only get one life.

  12. This really discribes my last relationship. It was completely heartbreaking and devastating dropping off all his belongings and leaving my boyfriend to live in a garage. Even now i wonder, is he alive ? Is he ok? I don’t know what to do.

    We had been dating for a few months, I’ve known him for years so I trusted him. I let him stay at my house, cause he had to leave his, so he just moved in ,( I didn’t want that, I was so confused what was happening) then it came out he had a problem.
    I tried to fight the demon, One day I saw needle marks in the femoral vein in the grain area, completely symmetrical on both sides, I asked him about it but I’m pretty sure he lied, I showed him a baggie and said “ what is this? be honest with me, cut the b.s. “. He said it was coke, he said he knows he needs to quite butwhen I asked if he would go to treatment he made an excuse…”I’ll go to meetings “ …
    ..one day I was snooping in his drugs because I was trying to figure out what it was, that was a mistake ….it felt awesome and I wanted more….so I took more…high as kite….that was not coke…. it was meth……I saw everyone I’d ever flash before my eyes including my dead mother….the worst 3 day comedown insued , neck pain, nausea, exhaustion, paranoia. I felt like something violent was awoken between us, idk I got paranoid, I was afraid of him even though he has always been kind, this energy was bad. And I didn’t trust myself to not do it again if it was there . I never had a serious addiction, but I am impulsive and I was misserable so the conditions were perfect. so that was it . I didn’t feel I had any other choice but to let him go and save myself. I was trying to fight fight his demon but It fought back. It tried to take control of me but I am too powerful for that . I’m sad for him . I hope he will get clean.

  13. Just got out of five months with an addict. I will always carry him in my heart but it’s now time to go back think about myself.

    He just went back to the shitty life he was living before meeting me. Looks like he was looking forward to that.

    Hanging out with people he calls “friends” that I never met, who just care about partying and getting fucked.

    I am so sorry I left him like that (with a text) but I couldn’t go on with a relationship where if I wanted to spend a weekend apart I knew he was gonna spend the next week sniffing coke and disappearing completely.

    Then he was always coming back and make promises, while I was crying like a baby begging him to quit the drug use.

    I should have escaped from this from the first time, but I loved him, so I regret nothing.

    Hope he’ll get some proper help.

  14. I have spent theee years a an addict , it destroys your life. You will never have a happy life, they will use you hurt you deceive you.. go if you can

  15. I just found out the truth about my girlfriend smoking dope. We are 8 months into the relationship and I love her so much. She is my life. I noticed a lot of things like her eyes sometimes after she gets off work, she gets these freaky puples and her actions towards things change, it’s always different. She will be really mad and mostly it is towards our puppy. I confronted her telling her how much she means to me before I told her how I found out, I used proof through a recently taken picture and she shut down for a second then tried to tell me that she didn’t want to tell me because I would look down on her. Her family does it with her. I snapped and told her “you let me believe I was the one being crazy, i knew that’s what’s been going on in the back of my head” she said “that’s why I didn’t tell you, I knew you would be like this” I told her” I told you the only way you can screw up is by lying to me, no matter how bad it is, we can work through it if you always tell me the truth” she tried justifying it and I screamed “you’re a fucking liar! You’re a crack head” she said “I dont need this! I knew you would look down on me!” She then grabbed her stuff and left the vehicle and started crying after saying FUQ YOU! Then flipped me off. She walked out and I asked her “can we work through this?” She ignored me walking away and cried. I texted her “I deserve all this” after she went in to work at her job and I left the car walking in the rain back to our place. I have no idea what to do.

    1. I personally have a friend that struggles with dope and pills. She hides it well from people who dont know of her drug use, but to those of us that are aware of it we have a constant battle of picking her up, trying to get through to her, fighting her when she becomes dangerous… I’ve even kicked her out of my house because shes become dangerous to herself and others. She faces mental disorder that DOES NOT HELP, and honestly I’m surprised that she can face me after telling me some of the things shes done and seen, except that I think she knows that her drug use is the poison here and that I do truly care for her, not judge her, through my concern. 2 years after meeting her I see a true change in her because for the 1st time she is trying to quit for herself and not other people. Idk how functional your gf is but my friend is on a huge learning curve, trying to catch up medically, academically, financially, emotionally… I’m so proud but shes got so much work to do!
      ONE HUGE THING I SAW IN YOUR POST. Your gf like my friend did not go off and find drugs, it’s in her lifestyle because it started at home. This doesnt make her family evil, or make her incurable, but she has to be wanting of a different lifestyle, almost as desperately as a person who gravitates to religion in adulthood. Dont make it about wanting her to change to fit your life, but remind her that shes started life with you and you deserve to be healthy and on the same page. If she wants something different from how shes been raised then it might be very hard for her to function normally in society, even if she does truly commit to sobriety. You could be her guide, showing her that she is loved and that dope doesnt make her at all. You might not be able to touch the subject and you’ll have to face reality of a drug being more valued than normalcy. I’m sorry that this is your girlfriend and not just a friend, but dont be afraid to take a step back, maybe just becoming supportive through friendship so that you dont feel so weighed down by something you cant control.
      If she relapses dont take it personally. If she wont quit dont take it personally. Be there for her if she will let you, but do not push yourself or keep yourself closer than what you can handle or you may both become sick.
      And it might seem hard but stand by your morals. Dont let her do it in your home or around you… she might be mad at first but just let her run somewhere and blow it off. If she has a period of sobriety, having a refuge in you instead of a pushover might actually be the best. but again again again THINK OF YOURSELF 1ST. DRUGS HAVE NO FEELINGS AND THAT IS HER LOVE. There comes a point where it’s just facts and you gotta do what you have to. Dont blame yourself for her behavior. Good luck!!

    2. I am going through the same exact thing and I am definitely not doing this anymore I have children and they don’t need to suffer and I am not putting them through this

    3. I read your post and dealing with an addict as well.. The only difference is I married one and I now have two children with him. But past that point, in your statement you wrote that it was your fault and you deserved it? Well I’m sorry to say this to you but your wrong. You deserve someone who is honest with you. You didn’t deserve to be lied to or mistreated just because she’s an addict. I feel like that’s no excuse to lie to someone just because your on drugs. People say oh poor them just because they are addicted and have an illness but what about the families who suffer emotionally, physically and financially.. by watching them destroy their own lives as well as ours?

    4. I feel your pain! 7 years later and I love her so much but she uses me for money despite what she says and thinks! If I mention any of this is WW III I hate felling this way but after all the lies and games I’m over it! Or so I’ve told myself this and it won’t change! What do I do? We have 5 year old daughter who was born premature due to her meth addiction and now it’s pills! I just don’t know what to do and love is killing me so I stay and I’m ready to move on but I’m scared I’m just going to let her down like every one else did!

      1. Mike Z.
        For your daughter you need to leave her. You cannot make her change and it is not your fault. Her addiction is not for you to cure or save. She has to want it.
        Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP
        author, Hope Street, http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

  16. Hi my name is Lauren. I’m 25 years old but bf is 35.
    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1 year. He is a bad alcoholic and used meth when he drinks. He has periods of sobriety then falls. Chronic relapser and I knew this 🙁 ugh. We have had so many ups and downs the past year. He did some messed up things and so did I. Also I was pregnant and had an ectopic in July and now I’m pregnant again. 8 weeks and viable yay! But he is slipping. He leaves when we get into arguments and stays in hotels etc. I’m stressing and I know I don’t want to live this way. I have tried over and over to help him and he continues to shit on me. I’m just terrified to be a single mom but It’s so hard to push him out of my life.

    1. Excuse me if I’m being blunt but it’s not about you. You’re young and have had 2 pregnancies by the same guy who obviously isnt suitable for fatherhood. I dont know what type of mother you plan to be but a mother should put her children’s needs first and from the way you speak of him I couldnt imagine why you would let his behavior towards you become your child’s future daddy issues. Life is a blessing, and I hope for a healthy pregnancy for you! But after birth your child life is in your hands. Put that man on child support and find something healthy. You’ll be happier as well!!

  17. My husband relapsed and I just want things back to the way they used to be. He won’t admit he relapsed but he did I feel like I’m losing my mind living him what should I do?

  18. Elaine, Justine and Devon,
    What I see here and what I have experienced myself when I was married to an addict is that the sober partner is the one doing the worrying, praying, supporting, caring and just about everything else while the addict does whatever they want. I hope you can read my book, Hope Street, and also glance at one another’s posts because you will start to see a pattern. It just goes around and around in circles. They behave badly, use and abuse, we threaten, they cower for a moment, we forgive and hold all of the anger we have in & then they use again. You have to jump out of the cycle and do something different if you want things to be different. If you truly want to help, detach with love and let the person know they need help and you are leaving if they are not in a serious recovery program. You can’t force it but by staying you certainly are sending the wrong message.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  19. Hello, i have a different problem but i guess its the same isnt it. My boyfriend and father of my children (who ive been with for 10 years) was addicted to pain killers really any kind he could get, When i got pregnant with our youngest daughter who is now 1 1/2 he promised me he would kick his habit for the baby. i watched him detox right in front of me … but i just found out it was a big lie! what he had done was switch his addiction from pain meds to suboxone. When i finally discovered he just switched his addiction i of course asked him to stop. I wish i was lying when i tell you he looked me in my eyes and said he was proud of himself an he is doing good.i just couldnt believe these words. I gave him the choice the drugs or his family more then once and he just stares at me mouth agape. Witch i take as he would rather be alone then give up his beloved drugs. Maybe im lacking compassion, but i am not new to this addiction thing. I dont know what to do anymore, he wont stop because in his mind he doesnt have a problem anymore and is happy to take a sub everyday for the rest of his life. So basically my question is how do you leave a person you love that wont choose you over there drugs? and what about the guilt? does any other addicts partner get the guilt when they try to leave, maybe he just guilts me because it has worked for him time and time again.

    1. If you cant do it for yourself do it for your kids. It hurts but tell yourself the truth: he values drugs over family life… you did not put that into him so do not feel bad. It might be enough for you to struggle with him and his addiction but dont make your kids do it. Also you leaving should be the wakeup call or really nothing will be at the moment. Love yourself more, sounds like you deserve to be a little selfish.

  20. Hi Everyone

    I am from the UK but reading the posts I needed to write as I am going thought the same thing.

    Sorry this may be along post as its the first time posting and I have just found this site as I need some help for me, but I will water it down as much as I can.

    I am 40 and my husband is 42, we have been together 12 years married 2.5. We have no children.

    Dec 2017 I found out my husband has been taking cocaine heavily for at lest 2 years, I found out through his itemised phone bill and then I looked through his phone (ashamedly) and it was all there in black and white, he had literally spent thousands. I then checked the bank and he had been into shops and getting cashback so I didn’t notice! He was also using a credit card I didn’t know about so taking cash out for essentials petrol etc or so I thought but the essentials were on his card.
    He told me what had been happeing and said he needed help, but never bothered getting it, he just said he could stop it, me not knowing anyting about drugs just carried on, he had been doing it in my house upstairs and set next to me so thats how much i know i didnt have a clue. (Looking back it makes sense now, the tirps to the toilet, popping the shop, taking the dog out for late night walks, the phone on silent, up all night saying he was feeling sick and sleeping all day)

    Anyway things got worse and he left in January, he came back in Feb and asked for another chance and as i loved him i said yes, for 3 days he seemed ok then he didnt come back! It was a cold night and i took the dog for a walk and his car was parked in the side street, i looked in and he was on the back seat and would not wake up, on the front seat was an empty can of coke, sewing needels and loads of ash, i went to get my dad so we could wake him up and but when we returned he was gone, we found him in the garden laying in dog dirt looking for imaginary police, i was so scared i have not seen anyting like it before, he had been smoking crack in the car.He had to leave at this point.

    At this time I was so confused and was ringing, txting, crying, begging as I still at that point just thought he didn’t want to be with me didn’t understand he was an addict, he was blaming me for it all, how I treated him over the years etc etc (all lies) I lost 2 stone and my hair was falling out – I have a good job and I am educated so me writing this is so confusing as if you asked me 3 years ago what would I do in this situation I would have so , as it I would run a mile but I didn’t and I had no control over it I just wanted him back.

    He was gone for 3 months and spent roughly 8K on drugs, lost his job and had nowhere to stay so yes you guessed it he came back and i let him!

    He went the GP and they gave him info for places for meetings etc, as far as i knew he was goign to then but then he got a job working away for 3 days a week (I should have know that was a bad mistake) He was getting cash for the job so i didnt know what he was getting paid but he honestly seemed better was going the gym but all the weight back on etc.

    He told me the house we lived in was an issue as it was a trigger and to be honest i hated the house so we sold it and moved to rented while we took our time to buy. we made 60k profit.

    So fast forward to Oct, he has a new job as a manger in the profession he has always been in, we go to California for my 40th, all good!

    When we get back i find a strange phone upstairs, a pay as you go with all the same old numbers in! i confronted him and he never stopped, how stupid am I, I even knew what to look for this time and i still missed it.

    He left then again blaming me for being like big brother and makig him paranoid, goign through his things, so he went to his sisters.

    The first week he spent £1500, second £2000 i deleted his sign on as i didnt want to see anymore but as it was half his he has 30K in his bank god only knows what he has left but he threated to go to the police if i moved it and legally it was his. I got my name off the joint account so i cant access it and also so he couldnt get an overdraft in my name.

    So for a month again i lost weight, no sleeping, failing in work thinking about him 24/7.

    First week of december he came around for a chat, he had missed 4 days of work in his new job. He ended up staying in the spare room for a week as he was unwell (coming down) he admtted he is doing 200-300 a day and is in a bad way, he has a hole in his nose and bits of skin are coming out and he is paranoid, i got him an appotment in the drug help facility near us and he went and after it went srtaight to get some coke, that was the final straw i asked him to leave.

    i spent xmas day on my own yesterday and not going to lie i didnt think i would get through it but i did and i am on here so i have some hope.

    Again i have been sat here feeling sorry for myself, wanting him to realise he has made a mistake etc but why would i want him here, its alwful when he is here but i still miss him.

    I think he has become my drug and i cant get him out of my mind, i drive past his sisters to see if his car is there, i dont know why because if it isnt my mind goes into overdrive, i look a social media to see if he is out enjoying himself, i know he is not as he takes drugs on his own in a room peeping out of the window, that is not enjoying yourself.

    He said the last time we spke he needs help but cannot do it with me and needs to be divorced, instead of me being happy he finally wants to get help i feel resentment after all i have done that he ups and leaves and wasnts to do it alone, if feel so evil for feeling that way.

    I need to focus on myself but at the moment i cant. its like i need him to need but and now he doesnt i am lost, hopefully that makes sense, it doent to me logically. I have tried to fix it but after extensive reading i know this is impossible.

    i am so sorry for the long post.

  21. Liliana has the right idea and I hate to be trite but this is not going to stop Kristy, Jessy, Sharona, Lady C & Kaitlyn unless you do something to stop it. YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE CYLE BUT I CANNOT MAKE YOU DO THAT, you have to be ready and be sick and tired of living this way. When you finally come to that point, it will be difficult but there will be so much peace & sanity on the other side of this and in the long run.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  22. I just went through all this, and my advice to others in the same boat, don’t waste anymore time because it will never get better, run as fast as you can. 🙂


  24. Hi, i’m 18, currently work everyday, mostly all day, while also raising my 4 month old daughter. my boyfriend, also the father of my child, whenever i fall asleep, takes off to go do meth with his parents. this has been happening since before my daughter was born. i would fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night, and he’s be gone, coming home either in the middle of the night, or the next morning. when i confront him, he freaks out on me, calling me names, lying right to my face, etc. this happened just now. i woke up and saw my door was unlocked and my daughter was sleeping in her chair instead of her bed. he came home at 3 am saying he wasn’t at his parents, he “went for a walk” and refused to let me see any messages. how do i leave someone like this? my daughter loves her daddy more than anything, and i need his help with transportation, child care, and honestly just an adult friend. he refuses to go to any type of treatment. i’m also a recovering meth addict, which is how we met and fell in love, but i can’t deal with it anymore. this is the third time this week alone that this has happened.

  25. I read what you wrote and couldn’t stop crying. Also seeing so many people like me and like my husband breaks my heart.
    My story is that I didn’t know my husband is addicted to opioids when we started dating. I have know knowledge on drugs or history with drug in my close cycle. A month after we got married I started noticing that something is off, after a lot of confrontations he admitted that he’s a drug addict. He told me it’s not a serious problem, and even gave me Suboxone so I can give it to him every morning so he won’t crave the opiates anymore . he fold me for two months, thinking he is off of drugs and taking Suboxone on a daily basis, little did I know that he started using crack instead because Suboxone doesn’t cover that . His addiction got bad really fast, if the opiates addiction was more controlled, the crack addiction was completely insane! He won’t answer the phone he would disappear he would get out of the house in the middle of the night to get another his addiction got bad really fast, if the opiates addiction was more controlled, the crack addiction was completely insane! He won’t answer the phone he would disappear he would get out of the house in the middle of the night to get another does dose . After I threaten him with divorce he finally excepted and agreed to go to rehab which he was there for 30 days! After rehab he did fine for like a month but he started working with the guy from rehab and both of them had a relapse together to opiates! I didn’t want to give up on him since I love him so much, needless to say, I believe that each one of us on the side basically feels the same towards their loved ones, We went to a doctor and we were finally prescribed for Suboxone in order to stop the opiate addiction, we’ve managed to control that for three more months and then when pressure at work start we went to a doctor and we were finally prescribed for Suboxone in order to start the opiate addiction, with manage to controlled it for three more months and then when pressure at work started or financial stress started he started abusing the Suboxone too. It was around the holidays times and the doctor had no more appointments for Suboxone so we’ve made an appointment instead for a vivitrol shot which he is on as we speak . He had to stay clean from opiates, cocaine, and Suboxone for a week which was a nightmare because the withdrawal symptoms were so bad, but we’ve managed to overcome that week and get to the appointment a week clean and he finally got the shot!Sadly, I found out that his friend who knew he has a drug addiction stupidly gave him a couple of Adderall pills which are highly Addictive and the vivitrol shot can’t block . I keep track of his texts through a different phone without him knowing, and I can see that he’s purchasing Adderall from his friends who have prescription to it, he smoking weed once in a while but not too much, but lately his alcohol abuse is going up and he’s always looking for Adderall at all kinds of places. I keep track of his texts through a different phone without him knowing, and I can see that he’s purchasing Adderall from his friends who have prescription to it, he smoking weed once in a while but not too much, but lately his alcohol abuse is going up and he’s always looking for Adderall and I’ll kinds of places . He claims he has an ADD problem which I don’t really believe, since he’s not even swallowing the Adderall but he’s doing it the addictive way which is snorting, I can hear it when he sleeps! He always comes clean at some point, first he denies because he thinks I don’t know, but then he realizes that I know so he comes clean and tells me that he’s going to try not to do it anymore. He claims he has an EDD problem which I don’t really believe, since he’s not even swallowing the Adderall but his doing it the addictive way which is snoring, I can hear it when he sleeps! He always comes clean at some point, first he denies because he thinks I don’t know, but then he realizes that I know so he comes clean and tells me that he’s going to try not to do it anymore we just came back from an out-of-state to vacation for two weeks which he didn’t use any of it, but five days after we came back and the pressure from work and the finance kicked in again he was buying Adderall again! As for now, he’s not leaving the house with any money on him, his credit cards are in my possession, I keep tracking his phone, Facebook messages, text in order to see if he’s buying or asking people to get them! I feel like a cop, this thing is so consuming that sometimes I feel like 99% of the day I’m thinking about him and whether he’s looking to get something else, luckily he doesn’t do cocaine or crack anymore because he hates it and also if you will he couldn’t do the vivitrol shot anymore, but when it comes to marijuana and Adderall even if they detect the stuff in his urine he can still get the shot because they don’t recognize Mauana as hard drugs, and there’s a lot of drug addicts that also suffer from an EDD problem and need that medicine . I really don’t know what to do, were thinking about having kids, but how can I bring a child to a life just to see his dad struggling with drugs, I don’t want my child to go through what I’m going through or feel as worried as I am sometimes, I want him to come to a loving family! Sometimes I feel like maybe I should just leave even though it’s hard and I love him but I feel like I deserve more and I deserve a peaceful life, but just thinking of leaving terrifies me because I know that once I’m gone he’s probably gonna go back to heavy drugs and he might even over does like a lot of his friends did. Everything you wrote was so accurate that it broke my heart, he was so perfect at the beginning the honeymoon sui everything you wrote was so accurate that it broke my heart, he was so perfect at the beginning the honeymoon faze that just blew up in my face when I found out about this addiction, ever sense I get glimpses of him when he’s clean, but there is a lot of times he is very angry and irritated because of the Adderall . He agreed to go to a psychiatrist in order to talk about stuff, because his drug abuse comes out of lack of ability to face feelings and stress in life so I am hoping that this treatment and therapy is going to help him cope with life! Could you give me any advice? I feel like you’ve went through what I’m going through. What did you do? Did you leave your loved one or did you manage to stay there and overcome this drug addiction? I know it’s a lifetime disease, even after 10 years of been clean he can have a relapse, I always told him that I am willing to take this chance but I want him to actually want to get clean! He knows that I’m not gonna take it for too long anymore and that I’m reaching the end of my patience, Still he tried to buy more Adderall today behind my back even though he has no money on him fortunately Nobody had it! Please give me an advice because sometimes it feels like I’m losing my mind

  26. Reading all of these stories makes me so sad and see through a different lense . I am living these stories . My fiancé of 4 years I could go on and on how much I love him and would do anything for him . My fiancé is addicted to suboxone . He will break it down and snort it several times a day . He thinks suboxone is clean but is it really? What’s even worse is he makes such good money and will always be broke in 1-3 days later after getting paid . I’m left to pick up the bills , buy food . So all of his friends he works with does this drug . The people he has been around his whole life does this drug . I told his mom and dad about his abuse to suboxone and to find out they started helping him find it and even ask him to find it for them . I can’t even have a relationship with his family because what is going on . I even found pieces of a pill crushed up on my counter top and my bathroom . I have a child who is not his and her dad passed away 2 years ago . I guess I’m giving my own answer on what I should do . I didn’t wanan be alone and I thought suboxone might not be to bad since it helps people get off of stuff . The problem is he never was on anything to begin with . Can you please give me some advice . I’m 23 years old I’m trying so hard to have a family and live a good life . I know who he has became was from the drug . The withdraw to suboxone is worse than herion . But he always tells me it’s under control and he’ll stop when the time is right . He tells me he can’t get High off it anymore . …. just please

  27. I moved in with my boyfriend not knowing he had a crack cocaine addiction over the time I have been here I have gone through hell , I lost my job when I was just starting to make a decision on moving , now it’s getting harder and harder to save money because his bills need to be paid , I need help to get out of this relationship and don’t know who to turn to can you help me find someone to help me get out I am a single mother of three

  28. Christal, Sophia, sad & confused, & Christina,
    If you haven’t already read Hope Street, please do. Go with your gut feeling, usually an addict will try to convince you of the opposite of what you are seeing right in front of your face. You have to go with that little feeling that makes you think something is not quite right because it isn’t or you would not have that feeling, I PROMISE YOU. I want you to understand that addicts lie about everything so when you feel crazy, guilty, like you might be wrong, you aren’t, that is just the addict manipulating you and you love them enough to let the truth go right over your head because it seems hard to leave. But the truth is, that in the long run, it is much harder to stay.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  29. Hopeful and Stephanie,
    please read Hope Street, I think it would really help both of you tremendously. Stephanie, I don’t you can “get someone sober” and it sounds like he is not sober anyway. An addict can use “NOTHING” ever.
    Hopeful, your feelings are because you were center stage of the addiction in the roller coaster ride and now you cannot control his recovery. This is about you and your own addiction to the addict and I know you hope he will recover but what about you; how will you move forward with your life if you cannot support him sober or addicted? how would that make you feel?
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  30. My love has been gone for going on three days now. When we first got together, I didn’t know he was a user until he told me. He just didn’t seem like that kind of person. A few months into our relationship, he stopped using. He slipped up after 6 months of being clean and messed up a few more times after that. Just after the first time, we found out we were pregnant. From October 2017 to August 2018, he was clean. Everything was going so great. We had our beautiful baby boy in March, he was so excited to be a Father. He has been a wonderful Father and great partner. Towards the end of August, he got high. I knew instantly when he came home from work that day. I couldn’t believe it happened again. I was upset, but I figured it was just another slip up like the other few times. But it wasn’t.. it’s been almost 3 months now and he’s full on using. It has caused problems for us. Constantly bickering and fighting. I don’t want that around my son. It can’t be. Now here we are. For the first time, he actually left. He blocked my family and I on everything so we can’t get a hold of him. His friends are egging him on “Just do you, bro” I don’t know what to do. I want him to come home, but he can’t keep this up. He needs to get help. I know he wants to stop, but the addiction has such a hold on him. It won’t let him stop. He loses himself. I’m hoping and praying that things will turn out okay and we can get back to the life we were building together. He was so proud of that. I miss HIM.

  31. Well I am so lost I am on the internet obsessing again because I do not know what to do. long story short, I am 23 my ex is 25. Last year around this time he went to detox behind my back for everything including heroin. I was lost its like my whole entire world was destroyed, he didn’t even tell me he was leaving his family had to call me. we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and it was a huge blow for me. We first started dating in high school when I was 16 or 17 and he was 18. I love him more than anything, definitely more than myself most of the time. I hadn’t talked to him for about 7 months and one thing leads to another and im back in this situation. He can’t hold a job, he steals and honestly If his mouth is open and moving he is lying. He told me he was going to meetings so I thought “oh great finally something!” Then all the signs started showing so I told him to randomly meet me and gave him a drug test. He refused to take it.. so I blocked him and it lasted for a month . I flipped out on him this weekend because of his drug usage. he went to the hospital and FINALLY admitted to using again. His phone died and next thing I knew his sister was texting me telling me he was on the brink of an overdose and she just dropped him off at rehab.

    He has never been to an actual rehab so I guess I just don’t even know what to do at this point. I have never touched drugs and he is terrified of me so he will hide it from me. I don’t know if he will ever kick this but, you always hold out hope. I pretty much have to make a choice of what to do. He blames me for leaving when he’s down. Ive pleaded with him begged everything under the sun. he’s in rehab and I just sit here and wonder if he sticks it out, if things will actually change or im enabling him emotionally. I have an accounting degree and have planned to go back to nursing school next august and really do not want to be in nursing school and something like this happen again.Im taking my pre requisites for nursing school along with working as an accountant 40 hours a week while dealing with his issues and now all of this. I am emotionally drained and so stressed. I have everything in the world going for me and idk if hell even be able to stay sober or every hold a job. His family pushed me into the decision to end it with him last time and things got ugly. I feel like I went back because I didn’t want it to end I just ended it because everyone told me to.

    He’s such an amazing person has the biggest heart and I see so much good in him but I don’t know if things will ever change and I should wait it out or not. SOME ONE PLEASE HELP ME IM SO HEART BROKEN AND LOST :((((

  32. I want to thank you Amanda for sharing your story in your book. It opened my eyes to the trauma to your mental clarity an addict can cause. I couldn’t stay with my addict boyfriend once I had proof that he was using. Being the proof was after finding crack pipes four separate times in his clothes and one time a crystal meth rock in his shorts. He continues to deny doing drugs though.

  33. Hello, I am in the same situation as all of these posts. I’m married to an addict, or I’m not sure if he’s really an addict I can’t even tell what’s real and what’s not real anymore. My husband and I have been together for 5 years married for 1. I knew he used to have a problem with pain pills, but thought he had gotten clean long before me. After about 2 years of dating, and having suspicions we had to move to another state away from friends and family due to his job. Once we were in another state he then came clean to me that he’d be doing pills again and was now withdrawing. I felt so betrayed he moved me away from my family and friends and THEN told me he was using. In the 3 year since then there have been countless fights everytime I suspect he’s done a pill. He denies it and gets mad, and then I end up looking through his phone or computer to affirm my suspicion that he’s contacted his “friend” and drove 2 hours for pills. He went on suboxone for a few months, but even after that and the horrible 2 month withdraw he went back to doing pills “recreationally” as he likes to call it. Last weekend while I was on vacation he overdosed. He said he thought he bought Percocet, but it turned out to be fentanoyl. He is alive, and home, but not in rehab. This is where I’m confused. Is he an addict? If he only does it on weekends, and not even every weekend? If he only does it 2 weekends a month does that make him an addict? Am I completely blind?? Please help!

  34. I need guidance and help.
    My boyfriend and I have almost been together for 5 years. I’m 21 and he’s 23 the first 2.5 years of our relationship were great he had a great job took me out to nice dinners brought me flowers etc. Then when he lost his job he reverted to his old using days snorting and smoking heroine he received help and was even hospitalized. He recovered then relapsed then recovered then relapsed and on and on then he turned to alcohol and now he is on probation for a DUI. While being on probation he has relapsed twice on DXM (b.c doesn’t show up on drug tests). I’M TIRED. I’m tired of his sex organs not working, I’m tired of wondering if he’s using, I’m tired of being his mother more than his girlfriend. For the longest time I saw myself marrying this handsome young man, now I don’t know. How much longer do I hold on for? He’s doing “better” being back in school for computer science and doing A-M-A-Z-I-N-G with all A’s but still had the two DXM relapses. Even if he’s trying better I feel like I can’t do this anymore…. BUT HES THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. He was my first real boyfriend, the first person I was intimate with I feel SO LOST. Advice?

  35. Hi..I so appreciate this blog …I started to go to al anon weeks ago because over a month ago I found crack pipes and one time a walnut sized quartze looking rock in a small baggy with a used crack pipe in my boyfriends shorts. He claimed he didn’t know how it got there and that someone was setting him up.. I reluctantly believed him.Then I prayed that God would show me what I needed to do. A few days later, I found another crack pipe in his favorite jacket . I confronted him again and he blew it off and said we would talk about it later. Well later never came that night. I prayed again. Super late that night he took my car and was out until early that morning, I had to call him cause I had to go to work and needed it back. I met him outside our gate, he got out of my car and at his feet was a crack pipe . He said it was an oil burner . But each pipe I found had a white powder looking substance in the tube. I was so mad , if I had gotten pulled over by the cops or had an accident and they found a crack pipe in my possession, my whole career would have been over. Let alone me going to jail. Ever since his grandmother passed away a year ago he has been a different person. Smoking and snorting marijuana excessively. He has beenhigh most of the day everyday for at least the past three months. And has been out all hours of the night. Only sleeps but a few hours during the day. And has numerous manic episodes on and off .Also numerous different people coming and going from his office he has on our property. I have realized I’ve been enabling his addiction because I’ve been the only one holding a stable job and paying all the bills for the past 8 months. I want to be so mad at him, he is totally become a different person. Not the person I fell in love with. We’ve been together for 4 years now as a couple. I have so many different emotions. I still love him, but I had to leave and haven’t been at our house that we currently own together for over a week. I’ve told him that I would help him get help if he wanted it. He just laughs and blows it off . All he says is ” do I look like a drug addict,”. And I say to him that he sure does act like one. So I then find out from his older two daughters that he used to do hard drugs and sell them and was in jail for dealing. There is so much more to all this, I could go on for a long time. I have so many mixed emotions , I begin to doubt myself a lot and be very insecure about my decision to leave him. I want to be there to help him into recovery but realize I’m just supporting his addiction. He denies he is doing anything illegal, but my gut says different. I end up going around and around in my head what actions I should take and just end up depressed and confused. Thank you for reading and any feedback would be appreciated.

  36. Hey I’m Stephanie, I don’t usuallly comment on these sort of things but here goes nothing.. I’ve been with a man for almost a year. My first serious relationship, I’m 21 and I never dated in high school or college. He came to me and I felt a connection I cannot even out into words. I truly love him sometimes more than myself. We’ve been through so much regarding his drive abuse. I finally got him clean from meth, which I was unaware of until 4 months into the relationship, he was very good at hiding his addictions and lied to cover them up. He would stay gone three days at a time and call me when he ran out (I’m assuming) to come get him because he had ran out of gas. Mind you this has happened several times. I got him clean when I found out I was pregnant. He quit everything besides marijuana. Now he is sober 4 months from meth but still continues to abuse hydrocodones and marijuana. Me myself I use no drugs and drink on occasion. He has told me he will never be sober and he would stay high everyday if he could. I have no clue how to handle his behavior or opinions on drugs. I don’t understand who would want to live that way, and I’ve came to the end of my road with him. Do I stay and hope he changes to a completely sober life or do I leave him to do whatever he wants.

  37. Hi Amanda. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. We have 4 beautiful children. He struggles with Addiction. First was alcohol, which turned to cocaine and progressed to meth. I have been in the back and forth stay or leave battle for so long. His needs have become more important than my own and even my kids at times. Recently I had him removed from our home because he was making it an uncomfortable unsafe place for our kids. However I still felt the responsibility and desire to be his support and try to help him. He was staying with his mother, and I have remained actively involved in trying to get him help. He would agree and refuse help all in the same week. The rollercoaster we have been on for a long time. But still I am not ready to let go. I believe addiction is not a choice. And addicts need love and support. Without the enabling. My husband is currently admitted into a rehab in Mexico where he mom put him. I am home in Utah and have no control or ability to be there to help him for the first time in our relationship! I have been his main supporter and by his side and hurt through it all. While most of the people in his family was blind to it, I have been living it. I have been in it. It has been my life with him. And now I am just in the shadows. While I know it is my co-addiction that is killing me to not be there for him right now. But I feel very stuck and like the right was taken from me. I am hoping to get to a place to use this time to heal my own wounds and habits from this life we have lived. And hope that when he comes home we can work together to rebuild our lives. I still have faith in the man I know and love. The man I still see in there drowning by his addiction begging to be pulled out.

  38. Well said. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a better or more accurate description. It’s strange how countless people in a completely different time and place have almost the exact experience.

  39. What kind of support groups do I look for to attend for myself
    I have read a lot of everyone’s comments
    I just don’t know where to turn

  40. Arrione R,
    Walk away because you should know firsthand that an addict is not going to worry about your feelings when they are under the influence. He is going to worry about getting drugs if he is using again and not about being a better partner to you. For the sake of your own sobriety, walk away and find new people to support you through this. As you said, you know the game. You do not need to go back there.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  41. Hopelessly in love with a meth addict,he has spent everything I have and my own husbands money. Sold everything I own ( yes even my home!!!) And now? He still wants more,lie after lie as to slowing down!! Girls and guys drop em!! I am .. I have to.

  42. My boyfriend of 7 years started using again and finally admitted it to me. We have both been clean for 7 months and he relapsed. I am so sick over this I can hardly see straight. I feel like our relationship is over. Everything we have talked about in our sobriety is over. He is only snorting now but I know how things go. He will be back to shooting up soon. I hate to be negative but I know the game. He gets mad at me when I try to talk about this with him. And I know its because he dosent want to hear it I know he feels bad but how can he get mad at me. Does he think about how I might be feeling? I know all the answers but I need to hear it from others. Can someone help me on what to do? I dont want to walk away but I feel so let down I thought we were 8i n this fight together. And I feel he gave up on us and in just a mess. And what about my sobriety? I’ve lost my support . I feel like I lost everything and he doesn’t even care.

  43. My ex left me for a drug addict and wants to come home but he cofuded how to do it. My ex and I do not touch drugs. How do I get my ex back

  44. To all of the posts I have not had a chance to answer,
    I appreciate you being here.
    thank you for sharing with us. I want to address all of you by addressing your co-addictive behavior with the addict. In life there are no guarantees. We cannot control anyone or the decisions they make but we can take back the power over our own lives. We can decide to make a change and do it regardless of what the addict is doing. You are co-addicted but just because the addict is stuck, you can decide you don’t want to be anymore. It is not something that happens overnight but as you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will eventually start to gravitate towards the “what ifs” like What if I leave and have peace in my home, life and with my family? or What if I could be happy again and enjoy the things I used to love or meet a new person who could really share a life with me? Those are the “what ifs” that start the journey of recovery for a co-addict. the fear of leaving is crippling and eventually that becomes replaced by the fear of what will happen if you don’t leave. You have to make a commitment to let go and focus on yourself and that happens for everyone differently and at a different point but it will happen and what makes me understand that is you are here, asking questions, searching for answers. It took me 12 long years and I wanted to share my joy with the world of what life was actually like WITHOUT THE ADDICT and that is why I wrote HOPE STREET and I hope you have a chance to read it. I wanted to help all of you with the experience that I had and let you know that the FEAR OF LEAVING MY ADDICTED HUSBAND, although it felt real, was what kept me in the relationship too long and then when I had to get out for my own sanity and safety, it was the absolute best thing that every happened to me. You are stronger than you realize, remember that and if you think leaving is hard, you have no idea how hard your life is now dealing with the addict and how much easier it will be to let go.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  45. To all of the posts I have not had a chance to answer in the last 2 months,
    thank you for sharing with us. I want to address all of you by addressing your co-addictive behavior with the addict. In life there are no guarantees. We cannot control anyone or the decisions they make but we can take back the power over our own lives. We can decide to make a change and do it regardless of what the addict is doing. You are co-addicted but just because the addict is stuck, you can decide you don’t want to be anymore. It is not something that happens overnight but as you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will eventually start to gravitate towards the “what ifs” like What if I leave and have peace in my home, life and with my family? or What if I could be happy again and enjoy the things I used to love or meet a new person who could really share a life with me? Those are the “what ifs” that start the journey of recovery for a co-addict. the fear of leaving is crippling and eventually that becomes replaced by the fear of what will happen if you don’t leave. You have to make a commitment to let go and focus on yourself and that happens for everyone differently and at a different point but it will happen and what makes me understand that is you are here, asking questions, searching for answers. It took me 12 long years and I wanted to share my joy with the world of what life was actually like WITHOUT THE ADDICT and that is why I wrote HOPE STREET and I hope you have a chance to read it. I wanted to help all of you with the experience that I had and let you know that the FEAR OF LEAVING MY ADDICTED HUSBAND, although it felt real, was what kept me in the relationship too long and then when I had to get out for my own sanity and safety, it was the absolute best thing that every happened to me. You are stronger than you realize, remember that and if you think leaving is hard, you have no idea how hard your life is now dealing with the addict and how much easier it will be to let go.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  46. I have been in a relationship for going on 4 years with a herion addict. High functioning but debilitating. I have lost all hope on what to do. We have a beautiful son and i sm pregnant again but i just cant keep doing this over and over. He turns into somebody i dont even know….ive left. Given him ultimatumas but he always chooses the drugs. Now i come to find out that his friend from work who knew how important his soberity is/was hooked him up with a dealer. So here we go yet again. Its suffocating me. I want better for myself and my son but im terrified that if i leave he will lose every or die or go back to jail. I also put myself through school so now im too financially dependent. Im so lost

  47. Hi, I’m 25 and my boyfriend who is almost 27 have been together for a little bit over four years. On our first date he warmed me that he use to do perks and that he stopped doing it, I ignored it because I was naive and we soon fell in love. After having many signs throughout the year that he was still using, it didn’t come to light until a work trip he just had that I tagged along to. His coworkers told me all the lies and situations that he had been in. I was so happy and so sad all at the same time. It was what I was waiting for and I didn’t feel like I was crazy any more. I knew something was wrong and it was finally becoming a fact. Since we got back from the trip it had all been fine and he is doing an outpatient treatment right now. I thought everything was back to normal until he kept going with the lies and I found out. We broke up for a day but I’m just not ready to give up on him. If it weren’t for the lies I can deal with everything else, I just can’t with the lies! Right now we are just taking it day by day. I love him so much. He is a great guy, never has ca,led me one bad word and never has been abusive. He wants the help which is great. If he didn’t want help I would t be with him. But it is still such a hard situation and I feel like I have become bipolar. All my friends say run away and all my family have told me to fight for the love we have. It’s just such a difficult situation… it’s nice to know I’m not the only one dealing with something like this.

  48. Hello, I’m also in love with a serious addict . Before meeting my now boyfriend I was in a very bad relationship for 4 years getting extremely physically and mentally abused everyday I had given up completely until my now boyfriend came into my life and saved me and showed me how I deserved to be treated and showed me my worth again. He had been honest from the start telling me about he’s drug addiction but promised to quit from the start … not knowing much about drug addiction never have touching drugs myself I believed him and to be honest I was very preoccupied dealing with my ptsd from my past relationship to really see what was going on around me . Anyways we ended up getting a place together after 8 months of dating I had no idea my friend had gotten him into crack.. ( no longer friends with her ) until he finally admitted to me that for the past 8 months he was lying about doing crack . We have now been together for a year and half and I know it doesn’t seem like much time but I’m 28 and I’m starting to think about wanting To settle down and get married and have children eventually . My boyfriend is the most lovely caring human I have ever met I’d love to spend the rest of my life with him . But the drugs have taken over everything in our lives and he keeps making empty promises and I keep sticking around and keep hope trying to help him as much as I can but I’m not equipped for this and he refuses to get help says he can stop on he’s own . I’m at a lost as much as we have good jobs and make good money Iwe can’t financially afford it , I can’t keep seeing him doing this to himself and he’s health and see him throw he’s life away . He’s my angle he saved my life and now I want to save he’s life . But I’m losing all hope 🙁

  49. The article explains my whole situation with the young lady I’ve been dealing with now for 2 years. But after reading your article I still don’t know what I should do! She just started an out patient program where they put her on 30mg and she telling me that’s not enough and shes going keep shooting until she gets the right amount. It seems like excuse after excuse and know I’m at the point where i really think she don’t want to quick! Just get high! HELP!!!!

  50. I have been in a relationship for two and a half years, I found out three months ago my boyfriend had been using cocaine when with his friends. I said throughout our relationship I wouldn’t mix with people who would do that. I found out in May he used it and he said that was the only time, we spoke 2 weeks later and tried to sort things out, he then admitted he had been using it without me knowing our entire relationship. I said I would stand by him as we both said we think he has a problem. We went the doctors which referred him to a centre for addicts. I went with him to his first appointment and shortly after we went on holiday which we thought would be a brand new start for Us. The holiday was amazing and we’ve been back a week and out of the blue he has ended things, saying he’s doing it because he loves me and he knows I deserve better but it seems too sudden for him to be thinking all this. I am absolutely heartbroken as I wantes to spend my future with him and still do. We were best friends and shared some amazing memories and I feel like I won’t find that with anyone else and I don’t want to but I know I deserve better than lies and someone who puts drugs first as I am starting uni in september. I love him more than anything and still wwnt to help him get sorted but my friends and family have said it’s not my problem anymore and to just focus on me and getting my degree, which I will do but I don’t feel like I can turn my back on him and leave knowing what he’s going to do. He has a very good job which he’s worked hard for and he is still progressing, I don’t want that getting thrown away for drugs. He has completely changed since I met him and he admitted that himself. Will I be stupid for telling him I still wwnt to help him as a friend even if we aren’t together? I don’t know what to do

  51. Devorah,
    Wow, look at what you wrote. It sounds like you are as addicted to him as he is to the drugs. I know I have been there. You just need to see him, smell him, make sure he is okay even more important than your own health or sanity. It sounds like his crisis is now yours. It doesn’t have to be. When you take on someone else’s addiction as your own, that means that you are the one who also needs the healing and the support. I hope you understand one day that a co-addict can be just as diseased as the addict. I know you love him but you have to be able to let go with love and love from a distance while taking care of yourself. It takes time but eventually we all come to that conclusion. Reading these articles is a good start.
    I am just so overwhelmed and happy that all of you have been reaching out here. I usually write back instantly but the posts have been sometimes too many for me to respond to daily. That does not mean I have not read every one and that I am not listening.
    I understand and I am here to help.
    But I cannot enable you the way we enable the addict. I could give advice to the specifics of each situation but the truth is that if it is not getting better (meaning the addict is not choosing recovery and at some point taking sobriety seriously) and getting the right
    kind of help there is not much you can do.
    It is a cycle and if you read back to yourself your own story and all of the stories here you will see the PATTERN, I PROMISE YOU WILL.
    It is like one day (and it wasn’t just one day but a series of days) I just woke up and said “I AM SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS.” that is when I realized that I loved myself and my child and
    wanted and deserved to live a wonderful life. If I was going to be happy and try to love life and my husband (addict) was not going to follow my lead then I had to LEAVE.
    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY, READ HOPE STREET. I wrote it for you to really be an eye opener. Sometimes when you are in the situation it is difficult to see
    the forest for the trees and seeing it through the eyes of another (an unbiased party) is the best way to get the message.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  52. Jacqueline,
    You have to stop enabling her. If she is going to lie to you then that is not a relationship you want to be in. What I mean is that you have to tell her that you won’t judge her and she needs to be honest but that you won’t be a party to this anymore because she also needs some help. Suggest al-anon & cognitive behavioral therapy and support her in that process. She is stuck in his addiction just as bad as he is and she cannot let go. I did this for 12 years and my parents did not know either about drugs so it was only when I decided that enough was enough was I able to get help and heal and not repeat those patterns. Have you suggested Hope Street to her. I wrote it about my time with my addicted husband. It is an eye opener for young women especially because it debunks all of the hopes we have that we can save another person, really it is that we need to save ourselves.
    I am just so overwhelmed and happy that all of you have been reaching out here. I usually write back instantly but the posts have been sometimes too many for me to respond to daily. That does not mean I have not read every one and that I am not listening.
    I understand and I am here to help.
    But I cannot enable you the way we enable the addict. I could give advice to the specifics of each situation but the truth is that if it is not getting better (meaning the addict is not choosing recovery and at some point taking sobriety seriously) and getting the right
    kind of help there is not much you can do.
    It is a cycle and if you read back to yourself your own story and all of the stories here you will see the PATTERN, I PROMISE YOU WILL.
    It is like one day (and it wasn’t just one day but a series of days) I just woke up and said “I AM SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS.” that is when I realized that I loved myself and my child and
    wanted and deserved to live a wonderful life. If I was going to be happy and try to love life and my husband (addict) was not going to follow my lead then I had to LEAVE.
    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY, READ HOPE STREET. I wrote it for you to really be an eye opener. Sometimes when you are in the situation it is difficult to see
    the forest for the trees and seeing it through the eyes of another (an unbiased party) is the best way to get the message.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  53. I am this person….I love him so much…three weeks ago he came to my house to care for me since id just had foot surgery and i was alone..I told him he could use my car to go to work the next day…when he came over he was drunk and blaming me for something i never did he kept bullying me abo u t it to the point of my breaking down in tears…then in the next breath he asks me for my car…i told him there’s no. way he can treat me like that then expect to ask me that favor i told him he didn’t nred to stay id be o k alone he had a second of remorse again i finally told him to just go as hr said he didn’t eant to be around this…i have not heard from him since then .he sold his phone to the drug dealer for drugs he has an Obama phone ..I’ve called and texted but only ghim my texts and in a drunken stupor he told her I didn’t love him or care about him and I’m not his friend…the next day she saw him high he did not remember the night before or even seeing her…when she repeated the texts to him the next day she saw him high. ..she said he didn’t say anything just listened. I still have not heard anything from him…I miss him so much I’m sick to my stomach…he’s not even talking with his sisters or so they tell me…that’s hard to believe ..my heart says to go look for him when i get out of this cast…what do I do…I’m desperate…I’m just not ready to give up yet ….please please help me.

  54. I am a parent of a co-addict. My daughter who is 29 has spend the last 8 years and best years of her life with an addict. I feel that we as her parents were uneducated in drug abuse and thought we were helping her along the way but as we have become more educated see that we have only enable her and her heroine using live in boyfriend. He finally committed to rehab and all was going well for 2 months. He is now drinking and popping pills and possibly doing heroine again. He’s been sleeping around with other women and while he does have a job is financially irresponsible. He doesn’t pay any of his bills and spends his paychecks within a week of receiving it. She assures us she is no longer paying his bills anymore and it just amazes me that she forgives all of this and continues to see him. Right now she has not let me move back in but he does stay the night with her occasionally and they speak regularly. She hides the fact that she is seeing him from us and her close friends because she knows what she’s doing is wrong and unacceptable to all that love her. It breaks my heart to see her make these bad decisions and not move on with her life. Her father and I are so frustrated and at a loss of what to do. We’ve suggested that she go to counseling which she says she’s looking into but I’m not sure if she truly is. Any guidance or suggestions for us would be appreciated. I look forward to reading your book.

  55. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months going on 6. He first told me he was an addict like 2 weeks into the relationship and of course assured me that he would change and he wouldn’t be an addict forever. He snorts heroin with sleeping pills (cheese) which is very popular where I’m from. The longest he’s stayed sober was one month and then he relapsed not even 2 weeks after moving in with me. Recently, he tried to commit suicide after relapsing because I was leaving him and he said he didn’t care about anything anymore. The day he relapsed, his dad kicked him off the job (he has a stable job and his own truck he pays for) because he smelled like weed. So he took advantage of that and went to go get tar. The whole time I thought he was at work until he calls me to go pick him up from his moms, by then I already knew what was going on. When I got to his moms I told him I was leaving him because I wasn’t going to continue with this cycle and I told him that I was going to talk to his mom to let her know what was going on and why he would be moving back in of course he was high so he didn’t care. As I was waiting for his mom to come home, I found a bag of heroin and some Xanax so I picked it up and he got up and we were fighting for the bags, his dad and sister had to step in and help me but he was able to get the Xanax bag and swallow the pills including the whole bag (in an attempt to od). That was successful and we had to take him to the hospital. He was at the hospital for a week and at a crisis center for 3 days. He relapsed again the second day back and is now saying he’s going to rehab in 2 days. I love him so much and I want nothing more than to be with him and for him to change but I honestly feel hopeless. Any advice?

  56. Kayla,
    Please, please and pretty please pick up my book, Hope Street!!!
    You sound just like me and I wrote this book for people like me at that time, people like you.
    YOu need to understand what you are getting into. An addict lies, lies and lies some more about everything and I wrote Hope Street so that you can get a glimpse into your future if you stay like I did for 12 hard years.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  57. I am in love with an addict. When we first met, he was in a relationship and I was in one myself. We ended up working together and there was always a chemistry there. For years we couldn’t seem to just admit that we had feelings for each other. We finally did. And I was just so happy that I was finally with the person that I had wanted to be with for all those years. I have never been as open with someone as I have been with him. I’ve never been as comfortable and been able to truly be myself and be accepted. We’ve been dating for two years. I discovered a five months in that he had done drugs, and had even sold for a while. He told me that he had put that behind him. We went through some bumps in our relationship where he was still around people who were bad influences. He ceased all of it and seemed to be doing well. We even got through his alcohol abuse together. Our only problem was that he lived about an hour away and I was living at home with my parents finishing a college degree. He moved in with some “friends” who made poor decisions often, drug related. I didn’t like him being in that environment. He ended up quitting his job, taking a lesser paying from-home job to get experience towards networking certifications and moved back in at home. He hated the job and didn’t like it, he kept wanting to quit. He went through a moment where he bought fentanyl from the dark web and would use it like nasal spray because he had serious neck and back pain from scoliosis. I knew he always suffered from the neck pain mainly and it would sometimes cause him to have insomnia and suffer from lack of sleep. He ended up going through fentanyl withdrawal and stopping when I asked him to because I didn’t like where it was headed. He started using more sprays at a time. He ended up dropping fentanyl. Or maybe so I thought. My family moved to a different state, and I ended up moving in with his grandmother because he hasn’t been able to financially catch up to afford an apartment. He has never been a consistent user, I guess he has moments where he is extremely overwhelmed with the stress of being financially in debt and any time something gets difficult he seems to find drugs to escape. He would get drugs for a neighbor too who was also supposedly a really good friend. He has even counterfeited money before. It’s difficult to really keep a consistent timeline, but basically a week ago everything came to a serious head. Long story short, over the weekend he eventually admitted to taking China White, and after coming down Saturday, he found more drugs when his parents came back from vacation Sunday and things got difficult. He has a suspended license after getting DUI charges in January. They were dropped, but since it was under the influence of xanax, his license was suspended. So Sunday he basically had a freak out and was driving around, his parents called 911 after he left their house in an aggravated state, a Crisis officer responded and said that he had to go to crisis detox or he’d let the sheriffs get him for driving on a suspended license. His urine test from the first night’s assessment came back positive for cocaine, heroin, meth, so many opiates it’s amazing he isn’t dead. It’s been a lot of ups and downs while he’s been in detox, because he didn’t want to think he has a problem. He also can be manipulative and kept lying and lying because it’s like he’s ashamed and didn’t want to admit that he was doing hard drugs. I stopped talking to him for two days because it seemed like he wouldn’t make a choice as long as I still seemed to stay unwavering. He ended up finding a rehab and seeming genuinely excited to go, whereas earlier in the week he was saying he was just going to go because he didn’t want to be homeless. (His parents aren’t going to let him move back in to the house because of the serious drug use and how close he lives to someone who has him order large amounts of serious drugs.) I am extremely conflicted. He will be going for 90 days, and our visitations are extremely limited so I feel like that’s a good thing. I want to see how things turn out through time, and he says he wants to become a better person for himself, and so that he could properly love me again. I want to be with him, I wish I could be with him, sober and clean. I want to wait and see that happen. But I don’t know if I should. People keep telling me to do what is best for me and focus on me, which I understand. I just keep thinking about the man I love and how I want to see if he comes back to me from this. I know he’s lied and he’s manipulated, but I know that he is not that kind of person sober. I know he’s a loving, sensitive, insanely caring person. Could I get that back? I don’t want to give up. I’m scared. I love him, I don’t want to give up, but I wish I could know if he would truly make it through this and we could make it.

  58. Brandi,
    take that energy that you normally use to find him and fix him and turn it around on yourself. find you and fix you. seek a therapist to help you start the process. It will work and you will learn how to help yourself and in being healthy you will attract a healthy partner and healthier relationships.
    Keri, It is time for you to tell him that if he uses then you will no longer allow him in your home or your life. You love him but will no longer support or be a part of this life with him. It is okay to stick up for yourself and it is okay to set boundaries. You can love someone from a distance and not allow them to tear you apart from the inside out. It is time for you to break free from this life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

  59. I found this more helpful than anything I’ve read so far. My boyfriend of 4 years is out there now as I type this. I went looking for him. Again. He kept hidden . As I Google what to do how to fix and find the answers I seek I came upon this. It made me see things a lot clearer. We have friends that are sober and married that have kids and normal lives. I kill myself asking why not us? Don’t we deserve that life as well? Four years now and I’m to end of my rope. No net to catch me. Fixing me is fucking scary. Where do I even begin?

  60. B.S.W.
    It is hard I know but it sounds like she is completely entrenched in addict behavior if she is or isn’t using. Her behavior is not the norm for a person in recovery. You have to love her from a distance and support her if she is serious about getting better and being better. As for her child, I really pray for the baby.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  61. Jackie,
    It can happen after 10 years or 30. There are no guarantees but you do know when an addict is really serious about recovery. they will not waiver, lie or be secretive. If you stay you have to prepare yourself for a life of this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  62. Jessah,
    Please pick up my book Hope Street if you can. I really believe you need to read this right now.
    You cannot stop or be the reason an addict does not use. This is not on you and you cannot
    be the only reason (in your presence) that he does not use.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  63. This post really hit home for me. Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We met through a mutual friend and we lived 2 hours apart, so we quickly moved in together, after only 3 months of talking, with a few week long visits. He told me he was an addict but was in recovery. I thought he was clean for about 9 months, but I just didn’t know the signs well enough. When I got pregnant it really went downhill. I can’t believe all the shit I’ve put up with. When I was 6 months pregnant he never came home from work. I called him so many times, texted, left voicemails, called hospitals. Finally he calls me from jail and says he needs money to get bailed out. He was found in his car passed out with syringes and heroin. I said no, I didn’t have the money and I left and went to my friends house for the weekend. When I came back he said if I would have been there when he got home from jail he would have been done, but since he was depressed that I left he bought more heroin. And convinced me that he needed to keep using until he got on suboxone or he’d be sick and couldn’t work. So I went along with that (I know. Stupid.) he got on suboxone and was clean for awhile. Our daughter is 6 months old. I just found out he was abusing his suboxone and ran out so got some heroin to “hold him over” so he wouldn’t get sick. And he was also on vicodin. The only way I found out is I found the cap to a syringe laying on our living room floor. Every time I catch him he begs me to stay, tells me how much he loves and needs me and that he couldn’t live without me. This last time o yelled at him and told him I won’t let him put our daughter in harms way and I’m done living like this. But I still gave him one last chance. I don’t want to take her away from her dad but a part of me knows that he will never change. He’s 40 years old, has multiple drug related felonies and can’t hold a job longer than a year. So much has happened and I’m so resentful that I don’t even think I love him anymore. I don’t know how to leave though. Sorry this was long I’m just really depressed and I feel so stuck. I need to know it’s okay to leave.

  64. Hello. I know this post was done so many years ago, but I guess the topic never gets old… I hope someone can give me some advice.
    I had a boyfriend for almost five months, although that sounds like a very short time, we lived together all those months so it feels like we were together for ages. We are also classmates. We practically used to spend 20/7 hours together all the time. Now, he is addicted to weed, which is rare I’ve heard, but he is. I started dating him Knowing he was very dependant on it (I didnt know to which extent but I knew anyway), so did everyone else. I love him, very much. I love him to no end. Now, the problem here is that I don’t really know how to let go, how not to feel guilty, and if I should have hope and wait for him or what. I’m just feeling very helpless and lost.
    He is the one that broke up with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore, which I think is already a good thing since he can actually see the damage, he can see it in himself too, and he doesn’t like it. This is why I’m very conflicted, he accepts the problem, has tried to fix it, I guess, but always comes back. He wants to leave it but he also doesn’t, and I really don’t know what to do. I feel so powerless and I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like I have abandoned him when I promised I would stay through everything. Now, I know it’s better that we left, but I’m afraid he will think it’s because he is unlovable, which he already does, he has very severe depression, which he is somehow treating it already, but still.There’s a rehab program that his psychiatrist recommended him, but since it’s, well, like interning him, I hope that’s well written I’m sorry, english isn’t my first language, it would be after this semester is over… Should I wait for him? Will he be recovered or what ? What if he doesn’t go at all? What if he is still addicted I’m so scared someone help. I’m afraid he won’t ever change… I don’t know if I should wait for him or if should stop and leave it all behind. If the second case is best I am also very conflicted, since we share a career and a classroom, I see him everyday and it’s so hard for me, I have had to leave several classes because I can’t help but cry. I think I need to take a break to the mountains or something but I can’t just leave college midway… I know it might sound dumb, I mean, we are over, I should be grateful or something right? But I just care so much about him I feel like i have failed him. It’s so hard.
    Should I have faith in him? Should I wait for him? If I should, how do I cope in the meantime? And if I shouldn’t, how should I cope still??

  65. Amanda,

    Thanks for your advice!

    UPDATE: Its a sad case, but my twin sister ended up leaving approximately a wk after I posted onto this webpage. She was suppose to bring the baby and leave, but she never left. So when I told her that she could stay, but her addict bf could not…
    OMG I could not believe….
    She started kicking and breaking everything belonging to my 2 yr old in our home. At that point, I told her she had to leave. I gave her $200 (incase she needed money to pay to live or needed money for the baby), ordered an uber to wherever she needed to go…. and she stole my phone (and managed to order additional uber rides totaling $65 with my uber account)?. I told her she could still leave the baby, but she felt she had a point to prove, so she took the baby with her, then bad mouthed me to the entire family telling them I put her and her baby out. Idk. Confusing enough, instead of disconnecting the phone (like my fiance wanted), I pleaded with him to just take the phone off of our family plan. I figured if the phone was more important then our relationship (us being twins), she could just keep the phone and I just wont talk to her again, or for a long time.

    She was only here for a wk, now I am in debt almost $1000 (not including the things she broke that needs to be replaced). It really hurt my feelings, that I felt like I gave everything I could in order for her to get to where she needed, or so the baby can have the things he needed and it still wasnt enough. ? I am trying my best not to completely break off our relationship, but it will def be a while before she hears from me again.

  66. I don’t know what to do. My fiance told me a week ago that he ended up getting addicted to heroin. He was on workers comp he lied about the extra pills he had. I understand I can’t control his actions. He left me with basically nothing. I’m at my parents house they are helping with my debt that I accumulated unrelated to my fiance. He never was a drinker he always liked his drugs. He asked for my help a little over a week ago. He is in a four month treatment program coincidently 3 hours away from my at my parents. We lives in New York and both ended up in south Carolina. I know addicted with haunt him the rest of his life but I am not ready to give up on him. He asked me for help and he doesn’t want to live his life like this. He still has one more surgery to complete his workers comp and Idk if he will get addicted again. I know he is newly in treatment. I am working on not being codependent. I’ve always found myself in relationships with addicts. I just don’t know what to do I want to stay by his side but I’m afraid of what could happen in 5 years.

  67. Hello, my boyfriend is 30, and I’m 21. He’s been in to cocaine since he was 11. He’s been clean for a little bit now. We both have children. But currently not living together. He has his cravings, and really the only time he doesn’t crave is when we are next to each other (his words) he hasn’t acted upon his cravings. But like I stated we don’t live together, is there any ways that I can continue to help him while I’m not right next to him??

  68. Tina,
    You have literally avoided years of pain so I applaud you that you had the courage to walk away. You really made the right move. You cannot change him and starting a life with someone when they are addicted is not something that usually ends well.

    I would not take anyone seriously who is actively using drugs. I would not start a family with a man that uses meth, even if it seems he has things together. Why not let him get help on his own and wait to see if his sobriety is something he can really do. Give it time, a year of sobriety before you even consider a future together.

    if you allow your sister and her boyfriend in, you are enabling them. Your fiancé is right. If your sister wants to leave her newborn so that she can live with her boyfriend who is actively using that is not a good sign. For the baby’s sake I would care for him/her but I would not allow them in my home if they cannot contribute and if either one of them are using.
    It is sad, I was a co-addict (addicted not to drugs but the addict) but I would never abandon my child and in fact when I saw what it was doing to our daughter I walked away. It sounds like your sister is not ready to do that. Just make sure you don’t enable her.

    You just tell that person you love them but that their addiction is affecting you and you can’t live with it anymore. You tell that person that you would support them only in their sobriety but cannot continue to enable their addiction. And then you let go, with love and move on with your life. You deserve to be happy.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  69. My friends doesnt hannging out with me anymore because i am addicted to someone else like my friends at school or doing parour thats why i cannot stop doing things in my life i cannot move forward because i was elven years old i always do parour with my friends outside my house they just looked at me they thought i am pretty wired i was pretty upset about that my life wasnt working out the away should be i want all my friends back..

  70. My live in boyfriend is addict to crack. He work,pay he car and insurance and that it. He has been living here for two month’s now I feel bad and sorry for him
    I myself have be delivered from crack for 27 years,and I know this is not going to be a happy ending for me or him. How do you tell the person you care about they have to go.

  71. My twin sister was addicted to heroin about being with her bf. She told me that he had being doing for it for a few yrs, so she only did it to understand him. Soon, my twin sister began to lie to me about cleaning herself up, but it didnt matter to me, I wabted her to know that she had my support for as long as she needed. Soon after that, she got pregnant. After she gave birth to her baby boy, he was taking by dcfs for a few days. (Since she was already enrolled and attending a live in rehab facility, they applauded her for beginning the process). Soon after, she got discharged from the live in rehab (and went to a homeless shelter) with her newborn. There were a lot of homeless, sick people there, so I bought my twin sister tickets to bring the baby to my home (out of state) until she cleans herself up. The crazy part about this is… my twin sister is a co-addict. She has not done drugs, since the beginning of her pregnancy… but she is bringing her baby to me, so she can go back to a shelter to be with her addict bf (that is living with a relative). She doesnt want to stay with me, because her bf isnt allowed. Sometimes i feel bad about her bf not being able to come… but i am a stay at home mom, with a 2yr old girl, and my fiance woeks and pays bills. He says that since he works and pay for his family, it is unfair to him, to have another man here that cant provide for his family. Is that wrong? What should I do? The ideal situation would be for my sister to move in… but she works (she is a CNA), but she gives all of her money to her bf, and does not pay bills. How can I be there for her, without her problems.. spreading to my household as well? (I know it sounds bad.) But my bf and I, are just now adjusting to be parents, and we are barely keeping our heads afloat after bills…. how can i make sure that her being a co-addict, does not change that?

  72. I’ve recently started dating a new guy, he’s great. But he has an addiction to ice. I’ve never ever expierenced anything like this before in my life. Now I am prepared, I worked in a rehab, I picked up the signs quickly that he was on something quite fast, but he was still so functional. Nothing like I’d had seen at the rehab. Nothing like the stigma of a meth user. Very put together hard working man. I developed feelings for him quite fast, we’ve only been dating a little less than a year. But hes been talking a lot about kicking the habit lately without me nagging him, because he’s ready to have a family, but I told him I wouldn’t start trying until he kicks the habit. What should I do? He’s talking future plans, and I care for him emensely, but bit is it worth talking future plans with?

  73. Iv been dating a guy on and off for just over a year.
    He came out hard chasing me. He was fun, light hearted, a joy to be around..we fell in love.
    Its been a rollercoaster…
    In the beginning he did tell me he had struggled with addiction issues. Both drugs and alcohol.
    Looking back i had no idea what that actually meant. My parents never drank..
    I come from a sober backround…
    As time went on we began to talk seriously about moving in together. This was it..i thought. Iv found the guy of my dreams.
    This is when he admitted to me hed been smoking meth atleast twice a month every month. I was shattered!!!
    I was confused shocked. This was massive, and well beyond his alchohol dependancy.
    I broke up with him. Totally heart broken..after two weeks all i could think of was him, our future. All the dreams we wanted to build.. so i went back.
    That was the first of nany fights btw us regarding his love of the drug.
    There were soooo many empty promises, he was endlessly broke. Always quite secretive and would begin to not pick up my calls..
    My mind raced..i felt that i was losing the love of my life and i took it upon myself to save him.
    Thing is he began to resent me. My attempts at trying to help him..were regurgetated as ‘why cant you just love me’ and ‘why are you trying to change me? Arent i gud enough for you’???
    I was constantly told i was being over dramatic. That i was far too sensitive..
    One saturday night we gad planned to spend it together. I was on my bus journey wich was an hour trip..i text him to say i was almost there..he text back simply saying ‘not tonight..ill be in bed early’..i was furious!!!
    I called him and he picked up, i could hear music n people in the background, and him just saying ‘not now ..dont be mad’…
    I begged him not to do this to me but he just hung up on me.
    This was the beginning of the end, it almost hurts to think of the amount of things like that that were done by him..and just flipped off as a change of plans. Or that he was a spontaneous guy..that i was dramatic??? No, iv since learned thats the nature of addiction. Youll walk over rhe people you love to get what you need, then youll justify it as nothing…
    Its cruel..i often think if he werent an addict, we could have had all those dreams.
    Hws since told me he hates me, that im narrow minded and nieve for not getting high w him..
    He has a group of friends he does that with, and two are women.. how should i feel about that? He defends them to the death..
    I will never try that junk. I love neing healthy andnaturally happy.
    It taught me about addiction to people..and even co dependancy. Its been the toughest year of my life!! I love him so much..but i releived and so happy to be out away from that mess xx
    Please feel free to comment..this is all very new to me!

  74. Jess,
    Please readHope Street. You need to see a glimpse into your future if you stay and you need to understand what is really going on. This is part of drug addiction and what you are doing is classic co-addiction.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  75. Cerrena,
    Don’t throw your life away please. Get help there is no reason to do this alone. You need support, detox would be a start but after that a program is essential. You need to relearn coping skills becausedrugs are not the answer and meth is just a band-aid for your emotional problems. Unfortunately it will destroy you and only compound your problems but you know that already.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  76. Hi I’m Jess. I’m 25 and my boyfriend of 5 years has just said he can’t be with me anymore that he needs to work on himself. He has been using the whole time we have been together he was in a really bad spot in our first year of being together involved with the wrong people and he said he wanted to leave me then but I knew it was just his surroundings so I managed to get him out of it and he was clean for a year or so and then slowly started to slip back into it but kept promising me he would be fine that it’s okay, not like last time he has control. He was using a lot for the last 6 months and got onto other things like Valium. He would go out all night and come home and abuse me for no reason calling me disrespectful and yelling at me for no reason. I didn’t know if I was going I get the happy him or the angry him. He continually promised me he didn’t want to be this person anymore and I kept holding onto that and trying to help him. In the last month he told me he wasn’t sure who he was anymore or if he wanted a future with me. I got very upset and he told me he was sorry he didn’t want me to get upset that he loved me and we were going to work on the together and he was going to get professional help, he then bought me flowers and started acting really nice and loving I thought he was sorting himself out, then he used again and told me I had to leave the house, he needed space, then he told me I he didn’t want to be with me anymore that this was the first decision in five years that he is looking after himself and that I was the issue. I’m so hurt and lost and I miss him so much. I was convinced it was me that did something wrong. I feel like I’ve failed him and I’m so so worried about what will happen to him now that I’m not there to help him. My heart is so hurt from all the I don’t want you, I do, now I don’t. All my friends and family have told me that I should leave and not look back but I can’t help worry about him and love him. I don’t know how to move on because I’m still in love with the person I know he can be.

  77. Hello, I’m 22 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and have been living with his loving family for 6 months. His family doesn’t know but I’m the one in the relationship that is struggling with a drug problem. I’ve been addicted to meth and recently relapsed after 3 months of being sober. My boyfriend caught me by reading a message between me and my friend for me to pick up drugs. He’s says he still trusts me and wants to keep suppprting me to stay clean and I don’t want to lie to him anymore. I feel so terrible watching him lose himself trying to save me because he cares for me so much. I can’t involve his family because they would be so hurt and have never dealt with someone with a drug problem. My family can’t really help either because my father has been addicted to meth since I was a little girl. I’ve seen what it does and how it affects all the people around him. I just need to talk to someone. Before I relapsed I finally got everything in my life together. I go to work, I go to school, I work out, and I volunteer at a local animal shelter. I’m already starting to see the affects of what drugs are doing to me physically and mentally. This article really opened my eyes and I don’t want to put drugs before the person that loves me deeply and wants nothing but the best for me. I hope someone can help me because I’ve been doing this on my own without going to detox or meetings. I just really need someone to talk to because I’m not gonna end up an addict that threw away everything and everyone because of this disease.

  78. Bowie,
    I know the truth is hard to hear but it is time for you to move on and I know that you won’t until you are done. When that will be is up to you because only you will know when enough is enough. It took me 12 years, marriage and one child before I was ready to move on. I refused to give up and I wanted to believe there was still good in him but the drugs won.
    I think you need to read Hope Street, I think it will sincerely help you. Keep searching for answers for yourself, get a lot of support and realize there is happiness beyond this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  79. Hello everyone,
    I broke up with my now ex about 7 months ago because he didn’t want to give up drugs and drinking. We dated for almost 5 years. We were madly in love with each other, got along great, shared the same interests. I met him when I was 15 years old so you can imagine how impactful this relationship was on my youth. I am now almost 21 years old & I find myself heartbroken over the man that I was planning on getting engaged to this next year. We had dreams and goals for our relationship. Everyone considered us a “special” couple because we worked so well together. After about 2 years into our relationship I felt that his love for drugs was too much. I had previously dealt with a heroine-addict brother since I was 14 years old and my brother’s battle with addiction lasted almost 6 years. It was a horrific experience to watch as my brother was in and out of jail, lying, stealing, almost dying. My boyfriend Rob watched it all go down. He saw how hurt I was, he saw how devastated my family was, and the saw the consequences of using heroin or any drug like it. Well I broke up with Rob around June of 2017 and started hearing rumors that he was getting into meth and heroin. At first I thought that sounds crazy, but sadly it was true. I told his parents because I couldn’t do anything about it. He was heartbroken from our break up, but wasn’t showing any signs of getting better. I wanted to be with him so bad, but I had put up with all of his BS for so long. Towards the end of the relationship he called me controlling, said I brainwashed him into thinking he had a problem, and that I was manipulating him. I just saw how addictive his personality was when it came to drugs. I was only trying to help him. I wanted and still want only the best for him. So he supposedly got sober for a little bit and I thought hey maybe I will give us a try again, but something had changed in him. He liked being single and being able to do anything he wanted even after months of begging for me back. In reality, he just wanted to be able to keep doing drugs but it was clear to him that I would get in his way. He then slept with the girl across the street that I had never liked because of her trashy appeal and shady demeanor. He had been doing drugs, had sex with her, threw it in my face, and is now continuing a “friendship” with her and I am not allowed to be in his picture anymore. He is mean, a stranger, a monster. The old Rob wouldn’t ever treat me the way he is now. He would never let a girl like the whor* across the street get in between our relationship. The reason why I have so much hatred for this girl is because she knows what she is doing. She is purposely tearing us apart with everything that she does and she’s getting away with it because they are both addicts. She is using drugs as a way to manipulate Rob into a relationship with her, its so sad to watch. At one point in his life though, I was his everything and he was mine. But now I am nothing and that girl is his everything. I feel like the only reason why he wants her is because they can do drugs together, but its hard for me to except that and feel better about the situation. I know they use together, but he denies it all of the time. So basically these last few months of us trying to figure stuff out, I have been getting two-timed. I believed him when he said they were just friends, but they aren’t. He tells me he loves me, still wants to marry me, and have my kids. But is also talking to and hanging out everyday with the girl across the street. I know how manipulative addicts are. I know they are great at lying, but I believed him when he told me I am who he wants to be with the rest of my life and not her. I want to blame his actions entirely on the drugs but I am so hurt. I am so pissed off and sad. Worst of all I feel so helpless, alone, and worthless. I already suffer from depression and anxiety. I’ve already thought about taking my own life (which I won’t, I promise). This is just making things so much harder for me to work and focus on myself. How do I just let go of somebody that I love with everything inside of me, especially when I know he’s using. Not only do I have to worry about his addiction, I also have to endure the heart break of another girl being more important in his life that he is willing to cut me out. I’m the one that finds myself not running to drugs or another guy to help make me feel better. I feel so alone. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have been getting through the days, but lately I just want it all to be over. Im tired of being sad, stressed out, and not feeling good enough. I know I should let go and move on, but it’s so much easier said than done. I don’t give up easily, I never have. I don’t want to give up on Rob and let go of him. I know what heroin can do to the brain and how it can change a person. I feel like he is dead, but he’s not. He’s alive and using drugs with this horrible human being. I just want my old Rob back… Any advice helps. I have been attending Al-Anon meetings, but I am trying to gather more support during these difficult times. I’m lost..

  80. Vicky, Kyra, Veronica, Anne Marie, Trish,
    I am sure you have heard the old adage “the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” This actually is the situation all of us are in as co-addicts. If we don’t completely change ourselves, the way we react and extract ourselves from this situation then how do we expect it to change. IT WON”T! You are trapped in this behavior and emotional state and like an addict you have to hit rock bottom before you decide to end it and get help to change.
    I would love to tell you exactly what to do but you will want to just kill the messenger or avoid my advice until you are ready to hear it. When you are ready, the tools are in these articles and especially in my book, Hope Street. I wrote from experience and I advise from it as well but I also know until you are ready, you won’t take it.
    You can get out, you can change, you can be happy, I am living, breathing proof.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  81. I live with my boyfriend who is an army veteran,,, I knew him and was in love with him before he joined the military and than there after became an addictzz by the time we got together years had passed and I had no clue he had a problem. Now I realize this isn’t gonna change and I have zero courage to leave

  82. This article is the last 23 years of my life. Met each other at 20yrs old, and collided into a firestorm of intense attraction. We were both struggling with personal family issues and diffferent forms of childhood verbal and physical abuse coupled with sexual assault and rape from non family which of course creates extreme , low self worth, anxiety and depression that we were both medicating with large amounts of alcohol even before we met.
    But when I became pregnant with our first son 2 yrs later I put on the breaks, ready to settle down and create a healthy happy home for my son. But my husbands addictions, which at this point was becoming a dangerous mix ( unbeknownst to me at time ) of pills, cocaine and alcohol were just getting started. After a DUI and mandatory drug treatment he “tried “ to get sober, we moved far away from family to start over but as I know you know addiction follows you everywhere, you can’t hide from it. Relapsing from alcohol after only 6mths clean, he spiraled back into heavy drug use eventually leading to heroin.

    At this point we were in what you termed the “middle phase” I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what, I didn’t use hard drugs ever in my life so I didn’t know how to recognize the signs. When I found burnt spoons under the guest bathroom sink I was confused and asked him what it was and whatever answer he gave me I readily accepted. I quickly spiraled into feeling insane when he would act paranoid pacing at 2am telling me there were people outside hiding waiting to jump him. I walked outside with him to look in the bushes SOBER that’s the kind of mind control he had over me. More things than I can list but fast forward to my early thirties he was knocking on deaths door. After losing yet another job he would disappear all night and sleep all day while I took care of kids and made excuses for him thinking I was protecting them.

    Until finally, I found hard evidence and could not stay in denial and left. I was done , I was ready to start my life over, I even went back to community college. Meanwhile he checked into inpatient for two months and when he came out he was a totally different man I couldn’t believe my eyes. Healthy , clear eyed, emotionally stable (so it seemed) it made me resentful that i did not receive such intensive care for myself. Instead while he was getting treatment I was left picking up the pieces, raising our kids, working and going to school. But damnit I loved him, and I slowly allowed him to convince me he was totally recovered and I believed him. So guess what we did 5 mths after he got out of rehab? Yep, we moved, again, to another state, no family around for support, trying to start over, again.

    Well, let’s just fast forward through last 10 yrs of back and forth between sober and not sober…multiple DUIs, ultimatums, counselors, AA, NA, etc. to today…..

    After almost a year of watching his behavior get crazy again, him lose extreme weight, serious health decline, money dissapearing , outbursts of rage and random dissapearances in middle of the night I confronted him. And LAST NIGHT he “came clean” and told me he is has been doing crack, but “ only a handful of times”…WTF I just sat emotionless in silence. Let me just add I was in a major car accident 10 mths ago and I am still recovering from a traumatic brain injury. I feel dependent on him, I was let go from my job because of injury, I have a hard time just doing day to day normal things. He says he will get help…we are in our 40’s now. He says he can do it without inpatient…I know this story, I’ve lived it for over 20 years now. I am so empty, and I feel hopeless. And my GOD I still love him. I know that sounds crazy , but I do. And it’s not that I think I couldn’t find another partner, I don’t want one. Or that I couldn’t live life without him, I just don’t want to. If he was to leave I would never get into a relationship again, seriously. He is my one and only, he is my soulmate, but the body his soul is in is badly damaged and sick. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what my next step should be, I’m still not ready to give up on him. Please tell me what to do.

  83. My boyfriend is on and off addict he doesn’t work and it doesn’t help either his mom is in rehab getting clean. He told me hes and addict today he’s admitted it a few times now. It was first coke and abusive amounts of Marijuana but now he’s tried the next thing… he talks about a future with me and I’ve stayed with him through it all. But he surrounds himself with that lifestyle and won’t leave and go somewhere better when he knows it’s good for him.. his come downs are always taken out on me with insults and break ups than instantly forgetting he dumped me and telling me he loves me. I wanna help but when I approach him with getting everything on track cleaning himself up he turns it into to fight. It’s been on and off of dealing with nasty fights for a year now. And i don’t know what to do because I see how he can get his way with people and he talks about wanting help and wanting rehab but never actually makes steps for getting better. I want a life with him but I’m going crazy I feel like I can never go home or work because I need to make sure he’s okay and up to no good. All my money I work for and can barely afford goes to taking care of him and I can’t help it. Im always worried and I’m loosing myself loving him but I cant seem to let him go.

  84. I wrote a post on here last year because I was completely at a loss. I met a guy that was addicted to heroin and crack cocaine and had been for 20 years to which I had no idea. He wouldn’t come home for weeks on end. He was injecting in his neck and groin because he had depleted all other resources and didn’t have the money to smoke it. He was doing speedballs in the end crack and heroin in the same needle. He was unrecognizable. I went to trap houses – drug dens and dragged him out. He robbed off me and I always took him back and tried to understand and be there for him because I love him so much. In the end after 18 months I quit and walked away. I couldn’t take anymore. I had to be realistic and see that this was my life and what he wasn’t doing wasn’t my responsibility even though I felt he was my life. He went to prison again done 3 months and promised to be different. He had been in before so I wasn’t convinced. So I stuck with it. He is now 1 year clean of all drugs and is working with an agency until we get a car so he can go self employed. People can recover but not all. Be strong be you and realise it isn’t on you to change these people you love it’s on them.

  85. Hi, sorry for the long paragraph! I don’t usually do this sort of thing. But I am really struggling. I met my now ex boyfriend, 14 months ago. Totally unexpected. We were both working and he seemed infatuated by me. He would do the most thoughtful things and made me feel special. I had never been made to feel like that before. He came to see me every day after work and would spend as much time with me as he could! Even falling asleep in his car as we spoke for hours..We spoke about a lot of things and I had mentioned I hate drugs but he didn’t really reply to that other than he is glad I don’t take them. He seemed normal, intelligent, caring and wanted me. I liked him a lot. It seemed like I had finally met my match.. After a 6 year relationship previously with my child’s father, this felt like nothing i have had before. It was as if we was the same person as me, We never got bored of each other. He was a very good communicator and very emotional. I started to notice he had some resentment towards his mother and didnt really speak or see any of his family, apart from where he was living at the time (his uncles) which made me feel abit coutious.. when I finally met his mother,she seemed lovely and very family orientated. Which confused me as she seemed to love him so much! He seemed insecure to me and constantly needed reassurance. This didnt bother me too much as I’m a very loving person.
    Eventually just over 4 months of close relationship with my ex he disappeared for 3 days. No contact. This really confused me and had me so worried and upset. So out of character.. when he came back he told me he had been on a bender and that was it.. He didn’t really go into it and apologised. He returned to work and that was it.. but after only a week he dissapeared again.. only for a FULL week this time. He didn’t turn up for work. This time I had to confide in his mother (by this point we had thankfully been comfortable to talk to one another). She was of course very upset and worried. We tried to contact him everyday. We had no clue what was happening or where he was. He text me after a week saying he was so sorry. I asked him to come to my house. From there we spoke and he admitted he had been on cocaine. I decided to look after him for that following week as he was on a come down. This was emotionally draining for me and I put him before myself. Shortly after he disappeared again for 10 days after promising he won’t ever go again. And then another 10 days after that. By this point I was so fed up. I booked a holiday and then he came back shortly before I was due to go. As hard as it was i still went on the holiday and left him to sort his head out. He rang me everyday crying. When i returned, he seemed back to himself mostly , just signs of jealousy. He admitted he had been taking cocaine for a few years, since he lived in Greece working as a bar tender. He admitted he took cocaine on our first date!!! After that I didnt notice any signs and no disappearing. I found out he had a 5 thousand pound overdraft, which in this time he worked all the hours and nearly paid it off, which he seemed proud about. Everything was going back to normal! 4 months later I found myself pregnant. He was so excited and happy. He kept telling me. He bragged about it and seen his family more. I developed hyperremasis, which is a severe sickness from pregnancy. This caused stress but he seemed to be great support to me and my daughter. Shortly after our first scan, we recieved devastating news our baby was very ill.. After weeks of tests and scans, we was so upset and stressed, he then went missing the odd night which started to raise alarm bells. He hadnt been in work and told them it was because of the baby. I asked him to ring local drug councelling which he did after i pushed it and he went to the induction and shown me proof he had been. He had been on a Christmas works do shortly after and told me he will be having cocaine but will control himself. We had so many arguments about it, I felt so helpless and angry. He of course went missing again. I thought how can he leave me when im so ill and pregnant? He admitted he had been taking cocaine and couldnt stop. By this point he wasn’t himself and had become a stranger to me once again. It caused so many emotions especially with being pregnant.
    We eventually had to make the awful decision to terminate the pregnancy at 4 months. This was so devastating for us both. We could hardly concentrate. He disappeared AGAIN. I just couldn’t understand how someone could leave me like this. I chose to officially end the relationship for the first time. He was a bit hesitant to go but actually accepted in the end and left. He was very selfish by this point. I was so so heartbroken I couldn’t cope. I made that hard decision not to accept his behaviour yet I’m still suffering I thought.. over Christmas we had minimum contact, he asked if i wanted to see him but refused to discuss anything.. so I refused to see him. I asked him to come to the termination 2 days later. He messaged me on the morning of the first day of termination but was being strangely calm and talking as if nothing’s happened. Like he wasnt in reality. I decided to tell him I was going with a friend instead. The 2nd day was where I would deliver the baby. I text him asking him to come but I never got a reply. From there we had no contact after I told him how I felt. I was unbelievably depressed and anxious. It was the worst time of my life. I sent him the photos of the baby in which he didnt show much emotion to. Just that he felt all upset all of a sudden. He asked a few questions that was it. I didnt see him for 5 weeks, the longest we had ever gone. His family had told me he lost his job and has no money. And barely replies to their messages.. I decided to message him to offload my feelings about him, as i had dropped all anger for my own sanity. He appoligised and said how much he loves me and how much he wants to see me and wish he was at my house etc..He came for a talk, it started well. He admitted he has a problem and will get help. He got very emotional when I mentioned my daughter asks for him. He also admitted he had been gambling. But in the end he got irritated with the questions and said what if I need to take it and took it here instead of somewhere else?
    From this I knew he was not ready to stop. I was so upset i started to cry. He couldnt handle the emotion and obviously didnt trust himself to stay away from cocaine. He walked out and said he can’t do this but will talk again. I have had minimum contact yet again. Hes been apparntly staying at his sisters who seems to be making things worse in my eyes. Recently I found out his father had put £1500 into his bank to help him out. Since then he has had no contact again and not been online for days. He has been asking people for money which is just not like him. He is so desperate it makes me sad. I have not took this situation personal but I have gone through so much. I love him beyond words could explain. He needs help. He’s admitted that. But cannot seem to stay away. Hes lost so much. He is in such a bad mind state it has totally consumed my life too. I dont know what to do anymore. Its only been around 2 months since all this started up again. I feel so trapped. I dont want to let him go. I cant. Hes such an amazing person and its ruining his life! Sorry again for the long post. I would appriciate any feedback. Thank you.

  86. Crystal, Winter Storm, Mitch & Barbie H,
    are you happy?? do you feel like the person you are with is in this relationship with you or are you a side note to their drug addiction? we stay in relationships that are unhealthy because we are scared of a lot of things. I would not base any decision to stay out of fear, it should come from pure love. You have to, however, care for yourself, your sanity, happiness and when you are co-addicted it is impossible to do.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  87. Cassandra,
    It is likely that this will continue but to say for certain if an addict will stop is not really a question I can answer. Statistically the odds are stacked against you but if you decide to do this anyway then you need to understand that this can continue forever and that you may have to deal with this at some point even if the addict has years of sobriety. It is your choice if you think it is worth the risk. I would educate myself on addiction and I do believe that when an addict is sincere about sobriety you will know it deep down. If you have any question or feeling in your gut that you are being told what you want to hear or that the addict is doing this for you, then you can bet it is not going to be for real.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  88. I finally reconnected with a man that I have loved all of my life and to find out he is addicted to crack cocaine. He took a dismiss for 3 days and I have been all to pieces. Finally a relative informed me of the point the addiction has gotten and it was unbelievable. I love him so much and I will stick by him if he gets help. Ladies am I a fool for loving him??

  89. As the addict, you are scarily spot on. It’s like we are being watched. We have been together for over 10 years, married for 8, and have a beautiful 4 year old boy. I know I’m luckier than most, and most would not put up with what my husband has for as long as he has. I don’t know why he loves me so much. I do all of the things You have mentioned. Every single thing you’ve said is exact. And in order. I only hope I change this time. Completely. I don’t want to hurt him. You never want to. You want to believe that your life in the shadows is separate and that the two do not touch. It’s painful. For years I must have ignored how much it hurt him. I’ve finally over the last couple months, been able to force myself to experience and care about it and notice it.

    He asks “how can you keep doing this to us when you know it hurts us”

    I’ve told him this. And I believe jtd true: I’ve spent years closing my eyes and crossing my fingers every time I stole money or picked up drugs. And I’ve researched and learned that the brain will leap frog the part that weighs your decisions. They are completely by passed or only exist as a whisper. You’ve done it for so long, telling Jommimy Cricket to get fucked, tbat it’s sexond nature and you don’t even have to think about not thinking about them. Explaining it makes us sound like total psychos.

    I pray to God that this year, at 35, that I can do it. I don’t want to lose either of them. I still have so much left to do and to give

  90. I’m 25 I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend who in which an addict for about 7 months she’s 31 her drug of choice is crack Cocaine she had been doing really good she had been clean for four months going to na meetings and drug treatment classes but two weeks ago she relapsed she says it’s because when me and her aren’t getting along or having problems in our relationship it’s hard for her to remain sober we are from North Carolina right outside of Greensboro she says she really wants to stay clean for herself I try to help her as much as I can even tho everyone thinks I’m crazy or wasting my time it’s like I feel stuck in a way it’s like I’m addicted to helping her but I’m losing sight of myself or my own life before I met her I was a happy person always smiling but now it’s like I’m not even the same person always worrying or feeling like I’m on edge.. but after her relapsed she went on a binge for a week but we ended up talking and she wanted to continue her recovery so I took her to a detox center in chapel hill for a week she came home last Sunday now we are getting everything set up for her to go into a treatment home for three months I can say she’s honestly trying but at the same time I keep wondering am I wasting my time how many relaspses will it take before we get to normal I often wonder how wound it be to be back with someone who isn’t a addict do I stand by her or run .????

  91. Hello to all. I have been in a relationship with an addict both drugs and alcohol for three years. When we meant I was unaware of his issue for the first year, nor did he bother to tell me the extent of his issue. It wasnt until later, after I had fallen into love with him, that I learned about his addictive behavior. Im now trying to find the strength to walk away. Im good for his life. He is clearly not good for mine. I long for a relationship that is beneficial, loving, kind and supportive. Unfortunately, all I keep getting is trash, cheaters, liars, con artist and God only knows whatelse. I feel like this addict runs circles around me and I stay because I hate to start over and learn somebodyelse, I dont want to feel lonely, I still have feelings for this individual. I believe he cheats on me and just is doing alot of things I dont know about. Im a good hearted person. I pray that God will grant me the strength to walk away and put me first. Good luck to everyone on this forum. God Bless You!

  92. I love the way you used to be with me and I thought you were sending me a new phone number and it was the same as Skype for me and my son now is the best I can get a good girlfriend and I will have many more to come to me and my dad is going to be working graveyard in the future as well and I will be there for everyone else in my life when she comes back from the clinic and drop Ashley off at school or daycare that’s fine too if you want to talk about this shit or if you want to talk about anything I can help you with this process as I have no idea why you would want to be a better version of your current session with your client or your actual kids or your friends or family members and not have to worry about it for a while it’s not like you are so different from your other side but I am sure you will be able to set up a time to meet with you and I’ll NEVER hide anything from you and I wish you would be able to talk to me about it but I have to go to the Dr for the next morning my makeup was all over my face like a raccoon and then you can imagine how much I love you so very much and I am so glad you made it to the wedding party on Saturday night so you could let me know if you want to come over any time Monday night or Friday evening or Saturday night or Sunday evening or Friday afternoon if you are free to chat about this Wednesday night or Friday evening and we can discuss this further if you are interested in meeting up with me and my son back in the morning when you’re available for a quick visit to see the place for a little bit more and get a good girlfriend and will be a great addition to your family and to do that worrying about you is not a good idea for a new phone number or other way to make money online or even one of your own online business cards and other important information about your business and your company and the x of the business is the best I can offer you to help you achieve success with your business goals in life but I would be more than willing to help you out with any of the above mentioned opportunities you may have in mind as I work in the industry and would be a great asset to your company in the helping me out of the way Tuesday so I can wash my hands and get a good girlfriend and will have a good time with you and I’ll be sure to let you know when I get caught up which I will repay but I am not sure if you think I’m dumb or what I am saying is that I am always a good friend and I want to be a better friend than I have ever been to you and I wish you a good life with my family and friends and I hope you are doing well and I am very excited about the new year things will change over time staying in the same place for a while now and I am not having a hard time finding a good place to work and do our best to make things happen for our future lives in the future as well as the future in our life that we can talk about it more and then we can meet there for a bit and I’ll either meet you at your work tonight or tomorrow and pay for the abortion if you want me to call you incase you need me this weekend please don’t hesitate to ask me if you need anything else from me or if you need me and I can get a good deal on your phone or camera and I can try to get you a quote for the best price on the couch and put it on the phone today again and didn’t think ahead about previous obligations to the other one I had no idea what happened with the money who’s challenging him and the x that you will never be able to talk to me about it and you don’t want to talk to me about it anymore because you are so different after rehab and you are not going to be able to set up a minute or two later with a passion that you can take whatever you want from your own personal life and your life is a mess and you are not the only one who can make you feel better today like you are the first person to write about the girl you love and you will be able to talk to your friends about your own personal life and their lives and their dreams and your dreams are the most important thing to remember when you are ready to talk about your life and how you can make your life better and easier for you and your family to make sure you got my email last night and we went to the hsp and emt treated me like shit you were going to leave me alone calling me names and everything else you do you

  93. My girlfriend who i am engaged to is addicted to myth i am the only one who works and everything is in my name she cant keep a job and has people come to my home when im at work i feel like i cant get out or leave her its hard i have told her to leave but she just says im sorry ill stop blah blah and a few weeks later it starts again i cant get ahead for the life of me the stress is killing me and i dont know what to do to get away or get her to go. Please help me

  94. Since I have typed this 3 times and it has refreshed on me and erased everything.. Im going to go right into it because I’m desperate for some answers or guidance that is from people that can actually relate and may be able to help me..
    I am 22 years old. He is 29 we’ve been on this merry go round for 3 Years now dealing with his heroin addiction. First it was I don’t have a problem, I won’t touch it again. then it was I just like to get high, then it was maybe there is a problem I’m scared.. each time of him getting clean he went to jail. This last time we got it to wear he didn’t want to use he relapsed and he didn’t wanna stay on it.. we were weaning him down so the withdrawal wouldn’t be so bad (he’d fall out and have seizures) he got a job and was giving me his money, I’d monitor how much he used and he would just do enough to not be sick. He wouldn’t be “nodding out” but then he got picked up on a warrant and did a couple months in jail.. I couldn’t handle it.. I was having a very hard time and made the choice to leave him.. I have a child and even though he is completely sheltered of it.. I’m exhausted and broken for explaining why he is not around.. I want the best life for my kid.. and I know if he could just stay clean he would be the best thing. He is a great person, amazing in every way works hard treats us better than I’ve ever experienced before. Even in his worst times he has tried to provide for us, won’t come around while under the influence but will make it home everyday (until this last round) while dealing with jail and court He made it a part of his probation to go to rehab and we have talked for the past 2/3 months now (while he’s in rehab) and he sounds really good.. like he’s thinking clearly.. he isn’t trying to sell me a dream like before.. he says he just wants to show me that he’s serious about getting clean.. He’s building a relationship with god. This time has been rough for me and ironically enough I formed my own addiction trying to numb my self from this pain.. nothing half as serious as heroin. But never the less, I did use medications to help with my head.. and this pain..it’s different than anything I’ve experienced especially when you can feel and see that the person you love wants and cares for you the way you do them.. they’re just a prisoner to this demon.. but he has actually helped me.. tremendously. I’m clean again, I’m getting back my mental stability a little at a time “no more quick fix answers” as he says
    and I guess my huge question is.. is can addicts of this drug change? Is there’s hope? Or am I slowly committing suicide because that is how it has felt at times.. I’ve been abandoned by my family for loving him.. and I’m constantly told I’m a fool.. but I believe people can change if they want to.. and I believe that if they have god with them.. it’s possible…
    please if you could help.. give me some guidance..

  95. If you did not receive a personal reply it does not mean I didn’t read and hear your story because I read each one. I wish there was enough time to volunteer to address each one of you individually but that is why I write these articles; to reach each and every one of you with the truth. The truth is that each and every one of you loves an addict and you have to ask yourself if you are happy or if this will end. If you are on this merry-go-round of a lifestyle with an addict I can tell all of you one thing; YOU HAVE TO GET OFF BECAUSE IF YOU EXPECT THE ADDICT TO MAKE THE CHANGE YOU MIGHT BE WAITING AROUND FOREVER. You cannot get anyone to change unless they want to, hit rock bottom and realize it on their own and get the right help. You need to make the change in your life and with your behavior.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  96. Help im 33 and have been a co-addict for 7 1/2 years,6 kids, 100k in debt,loss of self,ect.ect. I have been trying to leave fir 6 years but my heart wont let me. We’ve been thru everything under the sun n im still holding on. Why? As im reading i feel more hopeless then all ive seen. I have turnt away so much “good” away to stay in this relationship I know is not gonna work. Im told on a regular im not loved(i dont kniw a man alive that would take that). Im starting to become physical and i hate that (ive never struck her with my hands/feet) part about me. I know i cant blame her but i feel she wants me to put my hands on her (when i grab her n shake n scream at her i feel as tho things are better) but i know we are/have been over this relationship but neither of us will actually leave cause of children. I feel trapped. How can i go on a self finding journey before I end up dead or in jail. Please help i want my life back I dont know who I am anymore please call me 609 383 5010 Rob

  97. Hi, I’m at a crossroads. My boyfriend is a meth,coke addict. He has been off and on for years now. We have been together for ever and I always leave him for a few weeks because of his using. But I can never really leave him. We have 4 year old twin girls and he thinks he can stop on his own. We don’t live together because he is so up and down and not reliable. Our lives seem like we are normal for only 3 months max then he goes out on a binge . I always stay and imagine he will get sober for us and now our daughters. It never works out that way. He blames me for everything and about month ago he told me he is walking away from my daughters and I. And I haven’t heard from him and he changed his number so I can’t contact him. I don’t want to go back to someone who can walk away from our daughters so easy. It’s hurting them. I need to really stay away and leave him for good this time. Help

  98. No I don’t drink at all have you been through what everyone as on ear some time people just need to get things of there chest if we put all addict in the same box then people would not be telling there story’s of ear and asking for advice that would just get rid of them end of story and just live there lives but for someone to put up with someone for 18 years must prove thay have loved and tryed to help them this site is not for people to judge its to no that they are not alone so no one can disagree with anybody story.

  99. Completely don’t agree with the artikle. One shoe does not fit all. you cant put all addicts into one box and insinuate that all addicts are the same?

    what drug was your husband on?
    how did you react to him when you first found out?
    how do you react to things around him?
    do you drink wine everyday?
    i know of many woman who drink one or two glasses of wine everyday after work.
    does that make them addicts?
    are they able to stop drinking wine everyday?
    or issit okay for them to drink wine everyday?
    now tell me, do you think you bf or ex might have adult ADD? the repetiveness of the episodes sounds more like ADD.
    lastly. has a pshychiatrist pshysically diagnosed your bf of being and addict?
    this is a important one. how much time a day do you spend on the internet? and how does it affect him?

    please excuse my bad grammar as english is my 3rd language

  100. I’ve been with my husband for 18 years and all that time he’s been on drugs and thay as been a lot of heartache but he has sine grow up and realises it’s wrong and dose not wont to do it any more so did a home detox he was of for 4 weeks but got really ill with is breathing and nobody would help even though he went to doctors and hospitals so now he is back on it till he gets is methadone back I really don’t no what to do I don’t want it in my life anymore but we both have no family friends or any body to help what do I do.

  101. I am a 33 year old female who is in love with a addict. I am not one. I love this man with all my heart. We have been together for 2 years. He is addicted to meth and was straight up to me about his addiction when we got together and how he doesn’t want his bad habits spilling over on me. Despite him being a addict he is very good to me. It’s just been very lonely being with him. Loneliness has put me in a depression. I worry about him daily. It’s just so hard loving someone who lives a totally separate life than me.

  102. after 6years of hurt,lies. conning me I have had enough but I love him so much when he is nice he is lovely and what I what I want but at the end of the day he only comes to my home to sleep for days he does nothing in my home but promises to help me when he is recovered he goes off again and lies to me to keep me sweet I am crying all the time finding out he had lied and had no intention of keeping his word I am sad but I know I have to go I need your support I have been only kind caring and trued to him and never let him down it would hurt me to do treat him the way he treated me I can see now with his actions he has no love or thought of how he treats me I am not angry but sad but I know now he never wanted me at all,because I love him I wanted to believe his lies that he wanted me but within days he would make me cry and think nothing of it and walk away from me because I love him he knew he could just come back when he wanted I do need help and support at this time I have very caring friends and family I went against there advice hoping he would change b ecause he told me he wanted me and that made me stay but it always ended up me hurt and sad and crying doing what he did all the tim e to me I have only seen it now clearly today witgh is actions and how selfish he is he will say anything and does not mean one word of it I can see now what a fool I have been and it does hurt all the love and caring and kindness I gave him was wasted and to him I was nothing if I said something ab out the way he treated me he would walk off and leave me I can see today I have not been his girlfriend at all and was fooled into thinking I was he is out for himself and although he would tell me he will not hurt me again course he will its hearing what he has done to me he does not want to know and can be very cruel and say to me I am not coming to be with you I don’t want to hbear that all night so I cannot say anything because I wanted him to c ome I can see now its very clear I kidded myself and wanted so much and wanted him to be kind and caring and loving and honest and true to me I know today that will never happen with the way he has treated me today in drugs he is very heartless and blinkered in my company Ito him I am not there I have seen this today I don’t know why today but I have seen him for who he really his and his selfish cruel way he care only ab out himself and annoyed if interrupted if its something he does not want to hear its all about him and I am sad but glad I have seen it I have had another day of what he does to me and today it lasted all day it will soon be over today and I can see that I really have asked for what I got by staying he knew I could not leave him so not only todays hurt but all the other cruel and hurtful things he has done to me I am at fault by letting him he knew I loved him so much he could do whatever he wanted to me and he did I took all he did to me to be with him why today I have woke up and can clearly see with his actions and words I have been a fool and kidded myself I know now he will never treat me the way I have treated him I have never been treated nice by him that lasted longer than a week and I had always got to be careful what I said to him if I mention a lie or something he had done to me would threaten to leave me that evening or not come at all he would say he was coming many a time but never come I would be looking forward so much to be with him I would watch the clock and be so exited he was coming then to find out he had not left home by him ringing me the disappointment and sadness was hurtful but again with what has happened today and I have been able to see him in a different light I have seen the cold heartless person he really is the person I thought was nice I can see now was the same person I see today and being nice to me he knew he would be doing it only because he knew I loved him and its what I wanted him to be so I would give him and show him my love for him and look after him it worked everytime now awake I can see when he had had enough of that he would go back to be who and what he really was and I was nothing and I had to tow the line and not spoil his pleasure I used to be threated with I think we should call it aday that he knew would hurt me and I would beg him to not go I left myself wide open my heart was true and on my sleeve he was my world and the love of my life and my future I was a fool I told him this I left myself wide open for him to do as he pleased with me he could do whatever he wanted and old faithful would be here for him always and I was,he could do as he pleased an d he did he could swear at me talk down to me let me down I was number 2 he would make that clear to me now and again by telling me he was going to be with his children then he would come and see me I had him my number 1 and did all I could to make him happy I let him do whatever to me all the time by staying with him I don’t know why today but I have seen what I should of seen when I met him but I was blinded with love for him and on getting to know him and what he told me I couldent help falling in love with him I sadly know now more so he is the opposite of who I met I know looking at him today and hearing again all then excuses why I was hurt all day I need to love myself and care about myself looking at him he will be more than ok without me he will just bed who he is today I was nothing and will not even be given a thought he will just carry on the way he does now its all about him he will be more than ok, I have a long road to go down and mend my heart because unlike him I am genuine and my heart was true,it is with sadness for me not him I have to heal and be strong I do have amazing friends I know will support me but I do need the help also of this site I need to see I am not alone goin g through this and there is hope thankyou

  103. I’ve have and currently am in a similar relationship.
    I’ve been with him for 5 years. 5 very intense years.
    At first I wast aware of course then over time he would slip up. I have children and currently lost my job, still today relapse is used more as an excuse and he doesn’t seem to care about the pain he causes and thinks he isn’t hurting me or my kids by doing this. He will tell me to not put him on blast. Meaning I’m not allowed to tell nobody. Which sometimes is beneficial but so hard and hurtful, it eats me up daily what I know. How can a man be ok with putting that on a woman he loves? What kind of man is ok paying and helping with the bills then out of the blue act entitled to shooting coke up in my home? I’m torn and so hurt and so stuck and don’t have any idea what to do. I just cry all day and all night. I can’t get the images and words out of my head, I feel shut out and dismissed. There has got to be a better way! This isn’t my choice and so sick of barely surviving do to his control and addiction,
    He has multiple mental disorders too so slit of things make it impossible for him to get it
    I’m at the point where I would do anything for him to feel the pain he causes and the stress and anxiety he caused too. Sometimes I wish that one day he won’t wake up then I cry my eyes out for having those thoughts st all, please where do I turn to that I. Can open up safely without more problems caused for me AMD my children? I’m so helpless and lost right now

  104. My girlfriend is very depressed because of lot of worst things happened in her life ……
    she feels disappointment, guilt , and many things…. she try to hide her pain but sometime she can’t. she is not an addict but she some times can not bear the pain inside her and go for the drugs etc. she thinks that these are the only things that can help her compressing or help her bearing that pain within her self. i’ve tried to make her happy , tried many things to distract her mind from her that pain which she is holding inside of her and make her forget about it. so that she will never go back for the drugs. i really feel bad , sometimes it looks likes that she is getting better… but then suddenly she shows that dark side of hers, which makes me really worry about her. what am i suppose to do. sometimes it feel like im wasting my time.. but i love her and i can’t leave her in such a situation other wise she’ll do it more often than before.

  105. Im not an addict but I’m in love with one. ? we’ve been together for 6 years n he was a girls dream! All that is gone now it’s all at the bottom of the needle. I’ve had to give him CPR and administer narcan so many times I’ve lost count. I hate the addiction so much! I know this sounds bad but sometimes I hope for that final call so it’d b all over with. Sometimes I just want to end my life so I didn’t have to hurt so much. I don’t know what else to do anymore. I’m trying to walk away but I don’t know how. How do I stop loving him!?

  106. Hi im married to a meth addict i dont know what to do because when hes home hes good to me he treats me right and takes care of his kids but with the blink of an eye hes gone and i dont hear from him for days sometimes even weeks at a time it hurts because were married and i feel like a single mother at most times im on a rollercoaster with him what do i do

  107. My husband and I are recently separated as I finally filed for divorce. Eight years of marriage, three children, yearly cycle of drug use, temporarily out of the house, and then returning upon being clean for a period of time. The latest cycle was last August he was using Adderall and crack, spending over twelve thousand dollars on stripper, hotels, and drugs. Every other day off come home from work after picking up or children from school to get to the house with him in it high. We started so many nights in a hotel. Finally his family, boys and I said enough and August 2016 he go to rehab. He was gone for two months. He started clean about a month. By the end of January it was full blown using again. He said we’re not right for each other, he wants a life that is more free because he only lived once, he wants to be with other people, etc. He is irritable with the children. So after speaking with his doctor, I took time from my job to help him with his. Too on half of his work to relieve some stress. Everything was great again and the person I feel in love with was back. Then he stop wanting me to ride with him and spent many nights hanging at his friends house instead of time with the family. I decided to return to work. After two weeks I came home again to him high at our house (august2017). Two more weeks and he just wouldn’t stop so I kicked him out and his parents came to get him. He continued for another month, telling me he just didn’t want the lifestyle of family but preferred the party freedom lifestyle. He was again spending money we didn’t have, not staying at his parents, not working, and one morning he made it clear he just didn’t want to be with me anymore. His parents had kicked him out and what I didn’t know was that he was staying at a crack house. In that time he had to take our children to school, realizing now he was high or coming off when he did it. They weren’t given breakfast, were late due to him not wanting to drive them because he was still messed up. I was done. I filed for divorce. The next day he went home to his parents house and stopped. Now the court date is right around the corner and he has almost four weeks clean. He is acting like the man I feel in love with, that is a great father and husband. I’m not sure how often he was clean in the eight years of marriage. Of course now he says he doesn’t even remember saying all those things to me. But I am so hurt from it and am torn in what to do. Know I probably need to at least go through the temporary hearing but afraid that will set us into a way to never reconcile. I’m not over the pain and am trying to do what needs to be to protect the kids and myself but when I see him I just want him home because of how he’s now. Reading some of these parts let’s me know I’m not alone but many of them seem to be still active in the using. My husband is how being drug tested every week at work attending meetings for days per week, but working on himself and it seems as though it’s selfish because our children are so sad and don’t understand what is really going on.

  108. Im 27 first kid whos turning 2 in 15 days his mother used and she shot up roxys..when we found out she was preg we were happy..i knew she was in rehab well sober living when i met her i never done drugs tried weed twice so it was new to me..she stole..sold..lied..cheated..abused me physically cause for the want of wanting drugs and or not getting i been thru it 4 years about and since then i got full custody of my son she went ro jail for drug posession of a needle and oxy…shes in a homeless faith based shelter..i love her and idk what to do..i need a friend..i think of marrying her but idk how to wait around for a change ahe said jail changed her but its only been 2 weeks..should i move on..i tried before but she found me and got raped..idk if she truly wants me or not help please.

  109. I have been married to my younger wife now for 8 years. She didn’t do much of anything when we got married. Now she is shooting 100 milligrams of morfenine everyday. We fight we fuss I think she is sleeping for drugs.I don’t know what to do. She leaves me with her 2 year old daughter that I have raised as mine.please help me what do I do

  110. Thank you so much for the article im going through the same situation with a mate i feel guilty for leaving but im happy again i worry about him if he’s eating, etc in the beginning i didn’t know about his herion use it got worst over the years and he would tell me he’s not an addict but he spend each hour of the day looking gor dope and i just had to say enough was enough and i finally put him out

  111. I’m so glad I found this page and I appreciate many of you sharing your experiences. I met the man I fell in love with 30 years ago. We were teenagers and went on an innocent date to the movies. He was such a sweetheart and a gentleman. We lost contact shortly after our date and he eventually ended doing time. Fast forward 30 years later and we reconnected earlier this year on FB. It’s like we picked up right where we left off all those years ago. In one of our earlier conversations, he revealed that he liked to drink alcohol, smoke marijuana and occasionally get high on crack. I was floored! I couldn’t believe (or rather didn’t want to believe) this wonderful man was telling me he used drugs! We talked about it and he said he’d stop for me. I told him I wouldn’t want him to do that. If he was going to stop using, it needed to be for himself. I also let him know that excessive drinking and hard drug use were deal breakers for me. Growing up with a father who was horrible alcoholic and all the things that came with that life were just not something I could deal with. He said he was working on it and I promised to support and encourage him in his endeavors to get clean. We continued to spend time together and I started to fall in love. He’s an attentive, loving, caring, affectionate man who seemed to give me exactly what I needed and just the right time. He seemed to be doing well until one night, we were at my place about to have dinner. He was sitting on my front porch smoking a cigarette, then disappeared for about 3 hours. I thought maybe he went to one of my neighbor’s homes to ‘talk shop’ with one of their husbands. When he returned, he was a bit ‘wired up’ and I was half asleep. He kept coming in the bedroom trying to see if I was completely asleep and at some point, I was. However, I was awakened by the smell of something burning. I got up and noticed he wasn’t in the bed. I checked the living area, the front porch and back porch – he was nowhere to be found. I looked upstairs and noticed a faint light coming through the bathroom door. I went up the steps and could hear him in there smoking. I called his name and asked if he was OK. He said ‘yes’. I asked what was that smell and he said it was a cigarette but he had the window open. I knew he was lying and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. There was no need to argue with him because I knew he’d simply continue to lie. He came downstairs, went to the front porch and made a phone call to another woman. He instructed her to come and get him, he missed her, he had money and beer and they’d have a good time together. The pain of hearing him on the phone with another woman in addition to finding out he was still using – in my own house nonetheless…cut me deep. He eventually left and I haven’t seen him since. He called a couple of days later and apologized saying I deserved better. I didn’t want to hear it and hung up the phone. Once I went upstairs to the bathroom, I found a straightened out bobby pin with what looked like crack residue on the tip. He tried to hide it under the bathroom rug. It’s been a week and I’m experiencing a lot of the same feelings expressed here. I miss him and although I’m terribly hurt and upset, I still love him. He text me saying he’s in detox, but I don’t believe him. Actually, I don’t believe anything he’s told me other than the fact that he’s an addict. At this point, I don’t know what to do with myself and I’m really bothered by the fact that I may not ever see or hear from him again. What the heck is wrong with me? I feel used and even worse I feel like the biggest fool ever. I don’t know how to get my strength back so I can move on.

  112. I just stumbled upon this and agree 100% with what you wrote. I wrote a book about my own journey and published it recently(called ‘So You Are in Love with an Addict’). It is only in sharing our stories with others that we can help each other make the right decisions for ourselves and find the strength to follow through with our choices, no matter how difficult they are. Don’t be afraid to share your struggles everyone! Leaving someone you love is not easy, no matter how bad their addiction is. Hang in there everyone and follow your heart! Sending hugs to everyone who loves an addict, for all their struggles and suffering. Thank you for writing this and for this website.

  113. my boyfriend is addicted to Khat, otherwize known as Cat (powder form he snorts it) We have been together for 3 months now. Baby steps i know.. But here is the back story. The first month it didnt bother me as i was leading in depression. The second month (the entire month) He lied to me about being clean, (Which i caught him out) and now in our thrid month he was clean (i tested him with a 6 panel drug test every 5 days). On the celebration date of his first month being clean he relapsed. He has the tendency to accuse me of cheating whenever he used too much. So now he told me in a very subtle way that he uses the drug for work, a working drug.. And that he doesnt know when he will leave it again. (Hes been using for the past 5 years and we live together) This is the guy i want to marry, whom i want to have kids with, but how do i deal with this? He is as smitten as i am about each other, so it feels like if i dont set an ultimatum he wont take me seriously. (i really need advice)

  114. Oh my gosh! I believe this is the story written about my life. He came into my life swooped me off my feet, it was like romeo and Juliette. The 1st 3 months were so amazing I cant even explain, then things slowly changed. It all played out exactly as you said, only he gets so angry and its always my fault when he is high. I pray everyday that the “old” him will come back.

  115. This blog was amazingly on point. I just want to say thank you so much for being so accurate and honest.
    I am in the same situation as Tina. Except we have a newborn. I finally caught him using after 7 yrs and since then kicked him out.
    My problem now is moving on with my life. He has been my first for everything. My first real boyfriend , my first love, the first to ask my hand in marriage, having my first child. We’ve spent almost every single day together since we’ve met for 7 yrs!!
    He has also been my first for many horrible and shameful moments in my life. Hurting me more than anyone has hurt me in my life time. So many false promises, physical and mental abuse that I feel like I have lost myself.
    I just feel so lost. When I’m not thinking about my son, I’m thinking about him and how he’s doing. I will never put him before my son, but how do I get out of this? How do I move on with my life? How do I stop hoping?
    I’m afraid I’ve become addicted to him. And my future without him seems so dim.
    I’ve become severely depressed and I’m worried abt how this will rub off on my son.
    All I want is for him to be happy and healthy with or without me. But heroin will never let that be. It is the most disgusting vile thing in this world. And does nothing but leave the user and their loved ones in shambles.
    I just need some direction. If anyone has some advice PLEASE HELP ME!! I’m acknowledging that I have a problem and that I need help.

  116. Apparently Al-Anon is not another name for alcoholics anonymous. Al-anon are meetings for the family members of the addict who need support. Don’t know what “al-anon” stands for, but that just those meetings are called. Go to a meeting to get help. Find one here: http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting

  117. Hi , im 18 years old and my boyfriend is 17 about to be 18 …we met in highschool and we would always drink or pop pills He introduced me to a few friends and they did dope i always saw them do it but i thought it was coke this was when we first met then i droped out of hs and left for 6 months to get my GED at a boot camp called LINCOLNS CHALLENGE when i came back he was still using heroin but It had gotten worser now he cant function without it he recently got kicked out of his parents house and i let him live with me till he Robbed me, he sold my iphone 6s for 25$ for a bag im so upset i want to help him but i dont believe anything that comes out of his mouth 🙁 His dumb friends got him hooked they are like 30 years old they can be his dad theyre bunch of clucks my bf is so manipulating and good at lying he always swears on god and his mom and his nephews that he isnt off heroin ive seen him nodd-off all the time , he does this zombie face that scares me , he always wants to kill himself or says how much he hates himself when i tell him he looks ugly and discusting .. and he also injects but mostly sniffs He does crack when its around but not as much. im fed up with the lying i feel like im his mom babysitting , i dont trust him going to the bathroom because i know he will do heroin, he has beat me and talked down on me ,i cant have 10$ or any cash on me because he will take it from me and buy heroin i always make him feel bad hoping that he realizes he is ruining his life and he looks like a cluck but im also hurting him emotionally because i say really mean things to him while he is off it . i just get so mad but i really do love him and i just cant stay away from him we have 2 years together and right now im hopeless ive tryed everything …. he has been in mental hostpital’s and rehab many times and nothing works 🙁 i just broke up with him 2 days ago and my heart aches ,im so worried about him and i miss him but i know he is not good for me … my family hates me because i keep running back to him , everytime i leave he makes me feel so drained and says he loves me and its so unfair i left him because he has a drug problem he cant control … im so fed up he has tried getting me pregnant so i wont leave him he is so toxic i cant do what i want to do we always do things his way im lost and depressed i just needed someone to hear me out ..

  118. Hello, My name is Selene i have a sister that is in a relationship with a addict. This has been going on for years now. She is 31 yrs old and has 2 girls with this man. She has been in a whirl wind of problems with this man all caused by him. I have become afraid of what he would do to my sister and ber girls. Be becomes aggressive. I want to be supportive but i have ran out of ideas please help me.

  119. I was in a relationship where I thought I had found my soul mate, everything went great for about 1 year and a half, that is until I found out I was expecting my 3rd child. (I have 2 girls from a previous toxic relationship.) like I mentioned before, I was head over heels, and he was too. We never argued and if there was a disagreement we would talk it over. Well, it all came crashing down once we found we were expecting, my girls looked up to and still do as their father, he was great to them. But once finding out we were expecting he made a complete 360 in life. He lost his job, his apartment his car, he became homeless, all because of his addiction slowly progressing. We have been through so much, and I felt I needed to stay to help him, we never lived together so it was easy for me to leave when I felt like it and I had the liberty to do so. There’s no way I could help him because I have 3 children to care for. I did all I could do to help him but was unsuccessful. Now, I’m in a ok place. I feel worried at times, as I don’t know where he is, and at times I feel like I can’t move on with my life because I feel I have to remain loyal… is that normal?

  120. Nobody has ever totally accepted me. Not judgement. Just acceptance. Until him.

    I am an educated, experienced person. I have worked with drug users before. I have studied addiction – I know the facts.

    I too do not judge… I try very hard to take people and their narrative for what it is – in that moment.

    I knew that I should not fall in love. ‘It is just really good sex’. That is what I told him as I was setting the boundaries.

    And I set very clear boundaries. The trouble was following up on violations. I just kept saying, ‘that’s ok just don’t do it again’.

    The truth is that we are both totally in love with each other. We have never had any body treat us like we treat each other. Our love is so easy. So gentle. So all encompassing.

    But nobody has my back.I am always making excuses. Letting society believe that I am the woman that finally tamed him. But we know that is a lie. Sure maybe he doesn’t use as much as he did. but when push comes to shove, they drugs ALWAYS come first.

    I understand alll the psychobabble about lack of attachment and emotional regulation and ADHD and Trauma and PTSD – when it all boils down to it, he is a user and always will be.

    I can nit even begin to put an actual figure on it. I am so ashamed and so afraid that some one might find out. The money I have spend is not all mine – and so therefore in a sense I am an accomplice in theft.

    I think that it is the shame that is keeping me with him. Of course I don;t want him to end up on the street or suicide (which is a distinct possibility). I am his only form of support. But I can not go down with the sinking ship.

    I am so ashamed.

    I have warned my daughters and even help one of them out of a dysfunctional and violent relationship and yet I stand here in my own quagmire.

    The thing is, intellectually I know this can not continue but I just love him so much. I will not love again and face a future alone.


  121. It’s sad honestly. I feel like the drugs are another human being who just simply replaced me in her life. A year ago it was so magical. The late nights, the dates, cuddling, and just always being next to one another. I admit I knew about one drug but it wasn’t as serious. Then as the year progressed the usage became worse. I love this women in ways I’ve never loved anyone else. Like its breaking my heart that our relationship has fallen apart. I continue to stay because I don’t wanna leave her. I don’t wanna walk away from the one I love. She’s so honest with me about everything and I still find the beauty within her. I just want her to be healthy again and to do more with her life. But I feel like I’ve completely lost her. She tells me she loves me and wants to be with me but give time she’ll be telling me she isn’t right for me and or shes just and addict and always will be one. I dont see the drug usage when I look at her I see her. But time spent has become sweet memories and past tense. I just wish i I knew what to do at this point because I really don’t want her to leave me.

  122. I was in a relationship with an addict for four years. I stayed much longer than I ever should have and I saw that once I was out. Nobody in my life knew what was going on at the time. My greatest fear was him dying and it came to pass..he passed away in his sleep. His heart couldn’t take it anymore just as I told him. I sometimes blame myself. What could I have done, what didn’t I do… I should have tried harder. Its been 3 years and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I wish it were just a bad dream I could wake up from. I wish that he was still alive.

  123. I am living as a co addict and it’s breaking my heart I need to leave but just can’t do it
    My boyfriend is an alcoholic and cocaine user

  124. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years now. He has meth, Vicodin, and Xanax problems that he has been trying to shake off. I found out about his addiction 4 years into the relationship and we went through a lot of the scenarios described in this panel. He would lie about his whereabouts and I would worry. Lost his job. Gotten arrested for possession once. His mood swings landed him an assault charge on our neighbor. Car accidents, albeit minor, was attributed to his altered mental status.

    He tried to quit several times. The first 2 times he remained sober on his own for several months. When that didn’t work we got an outpatient rehab program that got him clean for a little over a year. I even got him a psychologist that he talks to just to reinforce the program. Then I noticed signs of relapse. Still a very sneaky person he is. Yesterday he was found overdosed in the back seat of his car and was unconscious for a day. I didn’t find out until his best friend dropped him back home. He made excuses saying he only took Vicodin.

    I am giving up on trying to help him sober up. I actually found someone else. I’ve been seeing him for 2 years now and it was also him that tried to get my addict boyfriend professional help. He’s been the shoulder I cry on and my best friend. He also wants me to move in with him. He’s a very sweet guy and I do love him. The problem is I still love my addict boyfriend and I do care a lot about his future. I’ve become his financial crutch. It is HARD to let go after all these years of good and bad times. I haven’t conjured up the courage to leave and I commend those that made the decision. I am still clinging on even after all that’s happened… Even with the prospect of another man waiting for me on the other side. Part of me wants to grow old with him because he is family. Then there are times when I’m waiting for him to leave me since I am too cowardly to leave him. Basically I don’t know what I want. I hate that I’m unfaithful to my current boyfriend, but if I do leave him, he will be homeless. I keep thinking of the good things that he does for me. There are periods of love and care from him that I can’t ignore. For now it seems to be enough to hold on to.

  125. Ugh seems I am in the same boat that many people here are. I m not an addict but have been dating someone that I thought has been in recovery for 2 years. Recently I have learned that she has been abusing gabapentin for quite some time. t doesn’t show on a ring screen but because of some very telling situations that have occurred I put 2 and 2 together. The first time I asked her about it she just flat out lied. But after I was able to find more evidence pointing to a problem she finally confessed. She is promising to make changes, etc but I feel in my heart that I now where this is going. I just feel like I don’t have the balls to take action now, so I am giving her the chance to hold true to her words to get help, or fail. If there is one more situation I am out. She is very keen on us getting engaged and gets upset when I tell her that I am not making that investment while she is living like she is. I just feel stressed, lost, and not sure which way to go. I am calling today to get some counseling for myself.

  126. im currently in a relationship with an addict he just recently got arrested i bailed him out ive been with him for nine months after him being arrested i decided to leave its so hard cuase i miss him bearing in mind i know being with him is gonna get me no where i think i am still indenial that he hasnt got a problem but he does an i know it but seem to feel that its okay thats how mucjh i just want us to work i gave him an ultimatum that he needs to get help if he still wants to be with me it breaks me that he said hell let me know an decide an hasnt cuase how can he be that person that would choose drugs over sanity at the end of the day its not for me its for him his become such a liar guess he was hiding his true colours well im saying all this but yet i love he has at first asked me for money but now doesnt anymore he hardly expects things from me but when we go out i pay when he comes to me if wehave drinks i pay im making all this exscuses for him just for me to think his not that bad but i dont know i feel like im suffering of depression ive become so insecure so emotional

  127. I have been dating a crack addict for 10 months. I asked him to move in after rehab and he did. I thought things would be great and they were for a while. I have never been involved with addiction of any kind and believed in him and his want to stay clean. At Christmas he began to use again and he has not stopped there have been periods of binging and when he is at work away for weeks he has been clean but goes back. Can you give me advose

  128. Thank you & bless you.
    My name is Courtney, & I have now felt & succumbed to the truth. I am in love with a heroin addict. My tears fell quietly to night for as your experiences state, my love & mentality is on par with a lying, manipulative. Disappearing , diluted eyes and cold hearted responses heroin addict. This is the first website ive typed & read. I will seek as much help for this I’d the case of a woman who found herself in a position where love is not enough but heriib
    I am in love with heroin addict let his lies loose himself for to learn hardship. Heart break & heroine is a hard journey. Thank you. A moment in my life where as have been loyalty and I honest. Bless him & know js lives working within z great tean sorry for novel. Kindest regeardd Css

  129. My name is Lisa. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I am 35 and he is 45. In the beginning things were amazing. He swept me off my feet and said I was the best thing ever. He was honest with me in the beginning of our relationship about his drug use. He lives by a very strict rule ” no drugs Sunday thru Wednesday” but the weekends are a free for all. I am pretty opened minded about the whole thing and didn’t see any problems with it in the beginning. I am sober and don’t do recreational drugs, but He does a lot of cocaine over the weekends. Drinks a lot and gets really high. I have always been there for him over his ups and downs. The weekdays are very hard because he has the worst mood swings. I have let him isolate me from friends because he doesn’t trust many people and unless they are drug doers they can’t come over to the house. We only fight when he’s been on a major bender. Usually it’s just him yelling at me about something stupid I’ve done and he’ll break up with me. I beg for him back and we go back to “normal” life. This past weekend I went out on my own and he showed up at the bar I was at. I was drunk and he was so mad. Blaming me for things that I know didn’t happen. Early the next morning we got in a huge fight. He was still so messed up. He was yelling and calling me names through the bedroom door. I opened the bedroom door and he shoved me really hard. He then told me to get out of the house that he never wants to see me again and I havent really talk to him since. He says that he can’t trust me and all he wants is for me to have his back. He acts like Im never there and I am the bad one. I have never once asked him to stop. All I ask is for alone time with him and he can’t seem to give me that. Now he is giving me the silent treatment. He agreed to meet me to talk about things. I don’t know what to do. I have been staying with my mom this week to give him space. I have never loved anyone like I love him. I don’t want to live my life without him. But he is draining my sole. Everyone around me tells me to drop him like a bad habit but I can’t. I can’t sleep or eat. I have lost 5 lbs this week since he’s broken it off. Please help! Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense to Me right now and don’t really know how to write this all down.

  130. I’m so glad I found this article. I fell in love with an addict. We were together a few months and on top of that it was a same sex relationship. Telling my grown children their mom was seeing a woman was hard enough but I can’t bring myself to tell them I was in a relationship that I would have told them to run from. Everything hits home. After I came clean with the affair to my husband I had to choose and I choose her. I told her I couldn’t have drugs in my future so she told me she would work on quitting. I was still living at home with him but seeing her. I wish I’d ran across this article before I became romanticly involved with her. I loved her I believed love could counquer all. How foolish was that? Things were good at the very beginnig but short lived. She lived at home with her mom and they faught alot and that caused stress but she didnt want to leave cause she had obligated herself to help out with her 2 sisters and brother. As time went on she lost her job and stress got even worse. I knew she was doing meth she never llied to me but I had no idea even though she warned
    Me how this stuff is to come off of. Her mood swings were bad her temper was bad. Her nose started bleeding and i mentioned maybe that was why and she got ill about it. She was very defensive when it came to me pointing out things.
    To make a long story short we argued alot. It drove a wedge in between us.. That and jealosy. Her phone went off alot and now I know it was probably drug deals. She had deep scars from her childhood. I do too but nothing like her. Towards the end she had stopped texting as much and never called. She sold her vehocle got some cash and the rest in drugs and took off to make some money. She told me we would take it day by day but I know know she isnt coming back . I do believe she loves me but from this article drugs trump everything. My heart is broke and my husband would like to work things out but I’m still in love with her and I’ve told him as much. She keft me broken hearted.

  131. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and I helped him get a job and an apartment and I helped him get his life together. We’ve been so happy up until 2 weeks ago. He lost his job and he told me that he got offered another job in the small town that his mom lives in. I was worried for him to live a couple hours away but it was good paying so I told him to take it. After a week he lost the job. I guess this sent him over the edge because he texted me and told me that hes been doing coke for 6 months. He lost both jobs from being high while on the site, and he moved in with his mom because he spent all of his savings on coke and didn’t pay his rent so he got evicted from his apartment. He’s been lying to me and hiding it for 6 months. Now he’s going to rehab for 2 months and even though he hurt me so bad, I can’t stop caring about him no matter how hard I try. I love him but I’m so scared of what can happen. He swears that he’s gonna make it through this but I can’t trust a single thing he says anymore and I honestly feel like I need help as much as he does.

  132. Hi. I’m Eli. I’m 22. I’m crying out for help because I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been with my bf for only a few months. He was a gentleman when I first know him. yes he does party and I let him. He enjoy drinking alcohol alot. I was not a drinker myself but I started to drink with him because I want to make him happy. He has a successful career and also education. I respected him alot. But last month, he has a thing to celebrate and he told me he wants to use drugs for fun just for one time because he wants to celebrate his success. I should have stopped him but I had no words for it. He persuaded me about the drugs like it’s not hard to cut off blah blah. He promised it’s just for one time. I did not like it at all but I have no choice but to watch him. After a few days still everything was fine. But his behaviour changes sometimes. I know something is wrong. I did not have the guts to ask him. I never annoyed him or be inquisitive about his job or family or anything at all. From the start of April, the time we meet becomes less and less and he seems not happy at all he gaze at some things for a long time like his soul is drifting away he doesn’t speak alot anymore. One day he punched his friend for no big reason and so he lost his group of friends that he usually hangs out. Everytime we go out after that he seems not happy at all. I try to do everything for hin. Drink with him, talk with him, be like his friends but he still seems not ok. So i asked him and he said he is in depression because of some financial problems and because he lost his friends. After that, he even rarely speaks to me at all. So I can’t stand anymore and one day I ask him straight what is wrong with him and if he wants to break up because of another girl. He finally came to the point of admitting that he is still using them and he is depressed because he has some financial problems and he can’t afford to buy them anymore. So I told him I’m disappointed. Hours later, he called me up said he is waiting for me in front of my home. I said I don’t wanna meet him. He waited for like one hour so I don’t have any choice. So I met him and he persuaded me to pay for his drugs. I had no choice. I wanna say No but he seems like he is really needing it and I never know anything about those drugs and their side affects. I had to pay him not a huge amount but still big amount of money and I was in debt. Since that day he cut contacts with me n blacklist my phone social media and everything. I was in pain. I was worried. 3days later he called me up saying he is with another girl right now and she is giving him everything he needs but he wants me. Actually he wants me to do things for him, give him money, prepare everything, buy him drugs. I don’t know how to resist him. I’m in pain that he is with somebody but if I do what he asks it’d be like I’m putting himself into danger and my finance is at crisis right now because of him. I still hope he would turn back normal. He kept promising this is the last time. I don’t know what to do anymore. He is using me just to get money and I don’t know how to say No , how to stop him, how to stop my pain. Pls help somebody. Give me some advice if I still have hope on him or not. I can’t talk about this to anyone because I’m ashamed tht my bf turns out to be a drug addicted and throwing away his career and asking me for money.

  133. I am crying out for help! For five years I have been on an emotional roller-coaster. I met a girl I felt in-line with. She is addicted to prescription pain medication. In the past, she was on meth and cocain. I have been through 4 episodes of promising to stop and begging not to leave. Now, she tried to take up with the guy for a second time that caused her final two addictions. I tried to bre as know it off and she twice begged to get help and I took her back. I took her to her therapy and she openly cut ties in front of me with the guy that supplied her drugs. This was the final episode. Her has been involved with drugs through prostitution brought on by this need for drugs. In the final episode I confronted her supplier and told gave them the opportunity to be together so because I gave up. My chances and emotional strings were not willing to believe in her. I walked back to the apartment to gather my things. She begged me to take her back. I was so scared of everything. I love her and said I want you to get help. I won’t do anything to us if you finally stop. My life these past five years have been a living hell. Drugs and addiction are tearing my love for her to pieces. I have no more room in my heart for any more chances. I am ready to continue my life if this won’t stop. Someone tell me what to do. I have lost my objectivity and myself. I feel like an addict myself. I wish I had never met this beautiful girl. She is so kind-hearted. Yet behind the vail is lies and deceit for drugs. I thought my good life would change her for good. I feel like a safety blanket and chump for my love. Someone help me! I am a good person.

  134. I have finally left a toxic drug abusive relationship that has lasted for 3yrs. I was hooked on drugs heavily in the course of our relationship also. My life had be torn apart and my reputation has been destroyed. I loved a man who is very sick. I’ve been pushing him away little by little and I feel terrible for leaving him because I worry he will never get better. I am a single mom raising my child on my own, I have not been able to work or make new friendships because I’ve focusing on healing myself from within. I’ve been sober since June 2016. I was doing big so well and ive encourage him to stay clean but he had refused to listen to me. February 4th 2017 was a day I will not forget, he insisted on stopping by to see me and I thought we could both be mature and have a drink no problem. I quickly realized he was never the guy I thought, he pressured me into using and I did for the sake of getting him off my back and mainly to escape the emotional mess within me. I relapsed and that was the moment I realized he and I could not be in a relationship ever. I tried being his friend and he just minipulated me into being his friend with benifits. I had feel so in love with him and I still care for him. But I now realize my own health and amity comes first. At times I he made me feel ask if I should question my own sanity. Thankfully I have been strong enough to open my eyes and walk away. The only problem I have is I still think of him everyday. I worry so much about him. I feel like I could have done better or maybe I should still be kind whenever her calls or shows up. I recently told him he needed to go to church. I have remained sober since he’s been out of my life. I feel really good about my future because I am doing everything in my power to live a healthy lifestyle for me and my daughter. I just feel so ashamed that my life has been a emotional roller costed due to the fact that this man who I feel in love with used me sexually an minipluated our friendship. I couldn’t make sense of my feelings for him because he was so good at lying to me. I made a mistake by thinking I could trust this guy I now know he is not to be trusted under any circumstances. I currently am living alone with my child. I am unemployed and have been without a job since I have in a relationship have been holding on to that relationship. I am out of the relationship but I am not sure for how long. He’s been a friend of the family for a very long time. We’ve grown up together and I he was the reason for my separation from my child’s father. I use to have a crush on this man as a child and I think maybe the only reason I let this get out of hand was due to the fact that I have known him for so long. We explored the feelings we had for eachother and discovered we are bad for eachother. I do not like the person I am when he’s around and the complicated part is I still love him and feel concerned about him. I know now that it’s best I stay away from him. I cannot waste my life waiting for the person I fell in love with to come back and be serious with me. He made made empty promises and made me feel like I should be the one to blame for me being upset. I even tried dating other guys and he’s come between every relationship I had in the past. I decided to work on myself and not involve anyone in my life because I need to heal and stay clean for another year. I’m worried for him and also afraid for myself. I’m having a hard time believing what I’m seeing or feelings when he comes around. It’s only been a month since I’ve last talk to him. I feel as if Nows my only chance to save myself while he’s hooking up with someone else. What do I do, and how do I do it? I cannot keep stressing over him and live a life worried if he’ll come back to pressure me again. Or if he’ll lie to me again and still my joy. I need answers on how to move forward. Please help me I am desperate and also worried his drug use is out of control. He needs help and I tell myself why am I so worried about him? I should be worried about why I am so worried about him. Could it be I’m worried I cannot stop him from his drug use and I’m worried that I won’t know what to do when he decides to pretend he cares about me and use that as an excuse to see how I’m doing. He plays the most confusing mind games and I know now it’s because of the drugs. I had to get close to him in that way to see what he was up to. I cannot handle his drug use it’s more than just partying. It’s like he is living a secret life and he’s so good and keeping everyone fooled. He’s made me feel crazy and at times I wonder why I care about him so much. I am a caring person and I have been very honesty and took all the blame for his actions. I believed I caused the problems between us due to my drug use. He made me feel as if he truly loved me and I hurt him, now I feel like I hurt him by pushing him away and maybe he will hate me for that. I am doing best to create a better life for me and my daughter and I simply cannot deal with his in inconsistency anymore. It’s effected my mental emotional and physical well being over the years. I am proud to say I am much healthier my child is doing just fine. We are so blessed. My only worry is how to improve my mental health? I worry everyday and I cannot seem to understand am I worried about me or him??

  135. It’s just nice to read what everyone has written I myself am in love with an addict and it’s is destroying me just yea it was nice to read it all
    I have just recently found out that when she stays nights at her Mom’s she would tell me she ate sleeping pill and is going to bed well I just found out that she stays up all nigh doing drugs most people go to their family to visit my woman goes their to get high should I help her or just give up on her I m very hurt and confused I m not able to handle much more and it’s as if she is unfazed by it all

  136. Hi im 19 years old my boyfriend is 20 we both have struggled with meth use but luckly i been strong enough to walk awayfrom it my boyfriend is homeless he works with people but they are all dope dealears. He makes me very happy when im with him he understands me he loves & completesme but when im not with him its like we rarley talk i spend all day not knowing what hes doing or who he is with. When he is sober hes so nice & sweet but when hes on it idk i dont really like how his attitude is. He has lied to me before we started dating but ive always seemed to care too much to let him go it breaks my heart to give up on him like everyone else did. He does try at times but then hes at it again i dont want to loose myself for trying to help him. What can be the best for me to do i have set goals but i also promised him i wouldnt give up i just feel like hes giving up on us & as if he doesnt care i know if i hold on it will only be harder for me to achieve my goals but i also dont want to guve up just yet i have faith he can change

  137. I wish I had read this article a year ago. When his addiction came out with a vengeance I went through all of the ” we can fix it’s”. The charm the man used to hook me was unbelievable and I didn’t even realize how fake it was until he moved to his next victim. I was dirt under his feet when I refused to enable and the new girl… Well she was potentially his new soul mate. How many soul mates do you find in one lifetime? Answer: as many as it takes to continue the enabling. I linked this article on my blog stepawayfromthepipe.wordpress.com and I appreciate the help!

  138. Jodi, Kathy, Heather and Brittney,

    I wrote back to all of you but I don’t see my responses here so I want to address all of you to let you know I am listening and that I am here. I know what position you are in and the only, most effective way to get out of this situation is to focus on you and your children if that applies because all that energy waisted trying to help the addict is just helping them be able to use. Using is an addicts number one love and there is NO room for anyone else so they just use people to suit their own needs -drugs. You need to let them go in order to heal and get help so that you can understand how you got there and how to get out.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  139. So I wrote in here a while back…..not really that long ago but long enough for me. I made him leave. I have an addictive personality and trying to love an addict is impossible for me. I realized he was bad for me and especially for my boys. I walked away from him, I walked away from the use, I walked away WITH my children and my life in tact. When dealing with addiction it is hard because in a relationship you think with your heart when you need to think with your head BUT if your head is focused on one thing and your heart another….its a slippery slope. My head needless to say was shoved up my own a$$ but it took for me to kick him out to realize this. I made him go stay with his parents because my oldest son didnt feel comfortable around him. Shouldve been my first clue right?? I am to the point now that I am working on growing my own business while working full time, single mom and working on my Bachelors. I DONT HAVE TIME TO NOT LOVE MYSELF! Without me, where would my boys be?? I have to love myself before I can ever love anyone else. I had to get away from the haze I was in. I had to learn to love myself more than H. I had to learn to love my boys more than anything or anyone in this world. “Ray” was not worth it. I thought he was a good man with an addiction but it was an addiction that snagged a bad man. He didnt love me. He loved H and I was a place to sleep. My own addiction is a daily battle but I have to tame the beast before I can even consider helping anyone else.

  140. I so agree with everything you are saying here . I have managed to walk away and it isn’t easy yet it left me in the beginning being a defeatist along with if you love someone you would do all you could to help them. Wrong ! Its me that needed the help and the warning signs didn’t show until he admitted sleeping with men on crack … I was blown away in my mind and thought ” Help ” I have to get out of this” I am an open minded person and from word go made it very clear that I wanted a committed relationship , spoke very open about all my needs and his reply was ” Its not in my DNA to hurt you ” Ummm Hello !! that is exactly what he did do over and over again. I went in for rescue , worst thing I could do , even supporting his move for rehab, that didn’t happen. Crack takes them places that they would not ordinarily go even in desperation being raped themselves for the drug, yet they dont see it that way. They becomes the slaves to others who know they get what they want on a sadistically side, and the victim now becomes the abuser. Its goes in round abouts more as they enjoy the abuse and more so on crack. For any one that knows their partners are on crack , seek help as you become the victim without even knowing what they have done to you. its an EVIL drug and turns the most nicest person into a DARK DEMON . You cannot trust a word they say and please dont believe you do… Its part of there DNA to make sure they deceive you , it almost terns them in to sociopath and in some cases dangerously manipulating you into believe your mad… Dont fall for it … Get out , get help as if they are not ready to help themselves, even in Love , then your the one that needs help …

  141. All these stories make me feel sad and yet, hopeful. Sharing our stories is a way to give us the support and encouragement we need! I finally divorced my addict after years of trying to help him and recently published a book about my journey- ‘So You’re in Love with an Addict’. Amanda, I will have to look your book up too. I wish I had known about it when I was struggling through my journey a few years ago. There are sadly so many of us who suffer in silence. Stay strong ladies and support each other!! 🙂

  142. Thank you for your comment. I do have an understanding of addiction. Owned & managed my own halfway house for years now here I find myself in this position with my own husband. I know he has to hit his bottom before he comes up. My husband now has been missing for 12 days, I have called in a missing persons report as his situation is exasperated by true u treated depression. The fear of not knowing if he is dead or alive, strung out somewhere, cold or hungry is sickening to me. I have no clue where he is have contacted people & looked where I knew to look, it is like he has just vanished. I have surgery in a few days to deal with my finality of breast cancer & he is no where to be found. I know I cannot continue on like this & have to set defined boundaries. I’m torn as my Christian faith believes in the sanctity of my vows. It seems like an impossible situation with little answers that make sense, being the one to love an addict is the most painful experience ever.

  143. Jodi,
    Drug and alcohol rehab statistics show that the percentage of people who will relapse after a period recovery ranges from 50% to 90%. This is a frightening statistic and it is often used as justification for those who wish to carry on with their addiction. But sobriety can be accomplished, however you have to be more concerned with your health and not have it depend on another’s addiction.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  144. Jodi,

    It sounds like you are not going to give up on him but I wish it were that simple. If you have no experience with addiction, then you will take this personally and think you can do something to change him. You can’t, an addict has to want sobriety and seek help. Probably doing it on his own was why he never really learned coping skills. If I were you and I was at one time, I would let him know that he has to seek help asap or that he has to leave the home. Either way, it will hurt you because times when you force someone into sobriety and it is not necessarily somethinhg they think they need, it doesn’t always stick. I can promise you if you don’t make a change with how you deal with him, things will stay the same or get worse.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  145. Hello , I’m 45 & a mother of three. I am married to a beautiful man of 6 years, 9 together, a first marriage for both of us. My husband when I met him had 10 years sobriety, I never knew him addicted until now. We were successful business owners makin 6 figures a year. In 2016 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. , I had 3 unsuccessful lumpectomies which resulted in a bilateral mastectomy I’m may 2016. In October prior I noticed behavior changes which resulted in a confession of meth use socially. After diagnosis & surgery it has gotten worse.4 months after diagnosis we lost our business. Progression of use, lies, theft, fraud, days & weeks of disappearing making myself sick waiting for a call he was ok maybe had been arrested or was hurt. June 2016 he rolled our truck on a major interstate 13 times, fell asleep at the wheel & by the grace of God walked away with minor injuries & no citations. The last several months have been hell, him saying he wants sobriety but unwilling to get help. He is severely depressed and has episodes of rage and destructiveness. He has never hit me but caused damage to our home etc. we are down to one vehicle I hesitate to let him use it out of fear he will become MIA, he had been doing better minimal use. We traveled 150 miles so I could attend medical appointments, we have been here with family for two days, 36 hours ago he went to pick up medication for me that was never picked up and he has yet to return. He got rid of his cell phone to remain unavailable to those that may tempt him, I have looked in all the places I know to look, called people,nothing. I don’t know if he is dead, hurt or just out seeking and using. Ike 150 miles away from our home and no way to get back there. My mother in law suggested I call in a missing persons report, however if I do so and he gets pulled over with dope he will go to prison. He has been in DOC twice before I met him never for drugs but for fraud that led to him being able to obtain drugs. I love this man more then life, everything is my fault, he sees everything I do as an attempt to control him. He is loving one moment and destroying our property the next. He is not working and I am trying to work part time as I’m still dealing with medical issues and upcoming surgeries for breast reconstruction. I am so sad & lonely I miss him desperately, even when he is present he is not available. My kids miss there Daddy & I hide it all from the world as people are so judgemental of addiction. I know I initially it was his way of not dealing with my disease and now he is so caught up he doesn’t know what to do with himself. The shame & worthlessness he feels is overwhelming to him and so sad to me. He doesn’t believe in treatment or meetings as before I knew him and he got sober he did it on his own. It is all to much, my heart breaks, I’m lonely, sick inside and feel totally helpless.

  146. Erica,
    None of this will make any sense, it is part of addiction. Addicts are not capable of being honest and upfront and so things that should be simple or make sense won’t. I hope you get to read it and the other articles here. It is important for you to understand the person you are dealing with and how to get out of this situation you are in. YOu can, you just have to be willing.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  147. Thanks Amanda. No I have not read your book. I believe because I took out a restraining order on him he got so upset with me and filed for divorce. But before I found him doing drugs we had been arguing a lot because I wanted him to get a full time job since he hasn’t worked in 8 years and I had mentioned I wanted to separate for a couple of weeks because of all the fighting and because I wanted him to get his act together. He said if that’s the case we’re getting a divorce. It doesn’t make any sense to me.

  148. Erica,
    Yes, many times the addict makes rash decisions and is frustrated with the person they love trying to help them because they know they are not doing what they should be. Instead they make that person the bad guy. Have you read Hope Street? If not, I think it will genuinely help you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  149. Hi Amanda,

    I appreciate your response back. Do you think his illness is the reason why he jumped to filing for divorce and making me feel as though I’m the bad guy and deserve to be served instead of the other way around?

  150. Michael & Erica,
    Your situations may be different but addiction behavior is the same. Your loved one is ill and if you enable them in any way or they see an opening to manipulate you they will do just that. When addiction takes hold an addict has no conscience and rarely considers anyone else’s feelings or situation when doing exactly what they need to do to keep using. That usually entails making everybody else look bad so they can look better. It usually entails blaming everybody else for their own situation. I think you have learned by now that reaching out for help is something that the addict needs to do on their own terms and all you can do is tell them that when they are really ready you will be there to support them in their recovery.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  151. Hi Amanda,

    I really would love to read your book but I can’t afford to buy it. I just recently caught my husband doing drugs and I immediately kicked him out and told him to get his act together then call me. I’m 7 months pregnant with our first child. Not even a half hour after I told him to leave did he withdrew all of our money in the our joint accounts leaving me with nothing to my name. I’m not working because he told me to quit my job and he’d take care of me. I had to get a restraining order on him and just the other day he had to come get all of his belongings out of the house and he kept mentioning probate court. I’m trying to tell myself that I’m better off without him and I made the right decision for my baby and I because I will not have my baby be exposed to this kind of behavior. He’s turned all of this on me and lied to people about why I kicked him out. He will never tell anyone about his drug use and dealing. He is very good at manipulating and has been lying and sneaking around for the past few months. I just don’t understand why he feels as though to make me look like a bad guy. I feel as though by seeing him treat me with no respect the other day that it isn’t bothering him that he is losing his wife and child. Sometimes think he has already moved on.

  152. I’ve read many of these posts and they all seem to be the same thing with the same answers how to love an addict. Mine is the same I reconnected with her after more than 30 years of not seeing each other in the beginning it was great it was wonderful but slowly I started realizing and seeing things that didn’t add up it climaxed when she was actually using crack in front of me until I couldn’t take it anymore.  Now it has slowly deteriorated to where she says she’s clean she insists she’s clean but all the signs point to something different.  I barely see her anymore she’s always asking for money for one thing or another I see her car strange houses with strange people and she always makes an excuse as to why he’s there ridiculous excuses I even suspect one of them is an older male that she’s either using for money or drugs or even worse cheating on me for drugs.  Since I stopped giving her money for all the different things she said she needed money for including having to pay back drug dealers for past bills that in the beginning I believed but now I don’t our relationship has deteriorated to practically nothing.  We’re supposed to get married in January which I know it’s not going to happen while she is an addict. She still calls me honey and she still says she loves me and that I’m different than any other man she’s ever met so on and so on I know the real person is in there somewhere but the drugs are just the number one priority in her life right now. I know how she feels I’ve been clean 13 years and I would do anything to get my drugs when I was in addiction.  What makes it even worse is my addiction was only for marijuana hers is much worse crack cocaine I try to understand but relies I cannot still I never used crack. I cannot understand the pull that has on someone.  My only question is how often at least a ballpark figure or will you in a while guess this someone in her position once clean finally came to realized what she had and actually is able to have a real relationship and this case a real relationship with me is that possible and if so how possible?

    I wrote this letter that I was thinking about giving because I would not be able to tell her face to face because I would not be able to complete the words before she got mad. The second question would it matter or should I do what others have told me to do and just leave with no communication. Any suggestions of what to leave in or out would be welcome.

    You know how I feel about you and that’s never ever going to change. Your past doesn’t matter to me only your future matters to me. I believe in you and unlike the other people thru out your life I will never give up on you, but I can’t help you until you’re ready to help yourself so when you’re ready I’ll be waiting for you and I’ll move Heaven and Earth to ensure your future. Please just tell me what you would like me to do. Do you want me to go away or do you have to work some things out and need me to go away for just a while? Do you want me to stick around and continue to do what I can than just say so I promise you its ok. Just remember I love your smile, I love your laugh. I love your heart, I love your soul and I love you.

  153. Brittany,
    What concerns me more than your love for an addict is your dismissal of your own addiction and how that impacts you and your children. Have you thought about how withdrawal and your battle of addiction will be for your children? Not only are you addicted to drugs, you are addicted to an addict. You want me to tell you how this is going to end? I can’t do that, I can only give you my informed opinion from my extensive experience with addicts and addiction. You need to place your boys in a safe place while you deal with you and re-prioritize; then understand that as an addict yourself, no one can make you stop using but you. Those rules apply to him too.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  154. Shannon,
    You have to be ready and receptive to make a change in your life because what you are doing is not working right? after taking that first step, you need to commit to letting go. Staying with and enabling him will not benefit him or you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  155. I was in nursing school when it all started. I have severe anxiety and was taking medications accordingly. Pills got the best of me and I trusted too many people with my heart and my life. I was a single mom of a wonderful little boy. I was living with a friend whos boyfriend was a drug dealer and got mad and set the apartment on fire. I showed up and tried to help but ended up going to prison for burglary and arson because I couldnt prove that I actually lived there. Of course my addiction was on hold while I was in prison not only because I couldnt get anything but because I was pregnant. I gave birth in prison, luckily my mother had my son and then was able to care for my new adorable boy.
    I came home to a toddler and a young man. My boys are my world and I would give anything for them.
    I immediately graduated college with my AAS degree, bought a car, got an apartment and set sail on my amazing journey of life. I got an awesome job and have been here ever since.
    I thought it was time to start dating so I made the attempt. Went on a few dates and was distracted.
    It all changed when I got that message. It all changed when I saw his face….I was hooked.
    He was persistant, wanted to see me, was lonely, just got out of prison and who was I to judge?? I just got out too!! So everything was magical..as we all know it was. He was super sweet, kind, caring, loving and passionate. He loved my boys and eventually moved it. Thats when things went south. He admitted that he was using and wanted to get clean. I helped him along his way and he did it!! He got clean!
    Fast forward a couple months….he bought some and convinced me to try it. I am an addict….I thought I could handle it and walk away because thats the way our minds work…I liked it….alot.
    Now the fighting begins because were both trying to get our fix.
    Last night, he was sick so his mom and I thought it would be a good idea for her to get something to help and me take it home to him. Well that was the worst mistake of my life! She bought it, I took it home and he went off on me calling me a liar and calling his mom a thief and a liar. He said he was done and was tired of being lied to. All of this because I told him I was spending time with his mom and got home late. He then proceeded to ignore my son (who completely adores him and loves him) and so I proceeded to carry him to the sitter whos accross the street and he goes off saying Im being childish and he took off walking to work. Now here I am an emotional mess, sitting at work while my boss is telling me not to let my personal life interfere with work because she loves having me around. my coworkers told me a while back to leave him but I just couldnt because I am head over heels in love. I wouldnt be addicted to this horrible stuff if it wasnt for him. I wouldnt be late on bills if it wasnt for him. I would be fine in my apartment, making it with my boys. Now I am torn because I love him so deeply yet I love myself and my boys more. I will go through withdraw and I will survive but can I go through withdraw from HIM?

  156. I have been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He has been on and drugs since I’ve known him. I went against my family and friends and have stuck up for him. I finally thought he’d stopped drugs and this evening he was drunk and I found drugs in his pocket. What should I do because I love him?? Please help

  157. brit,
    what are your beliefs? do you believe you should live life this way? do you feel like his addiction is going to jeapordize your sobriety? This is a very risky relationship for you and the two children who need you. They have one unstable parent and I can tell you from experience raising more than one child while dealing with an addict is a lot harder than with one child. You need stability and sanity for your sobriety and for your ability to be a good parent. I know you are married but you are allowed to not have to fall apart with your husband. You can and should create boundaries and hold to them if they are not met. You know most of this I am sure so I think you just need some support in coming to this decision. No woman 8 months pregnant with a small child should have to be going through this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  158. Brooke, keep reading, click on my name near my picture and 45+ articles I have written on this exact subject and support will come up. Pick up Hope Street. I am glad you have been able to come to the decision to let him go. This is not a life for you or for anyone and I can almost guarantee if you stay, this will become the norm. I need you to understand that you can’t change him but that you can change YOU. You can break free and work on yourself. Keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  159. so this is kind of long, but here goes. i met my husband 3 years go. we were both addicted to meth. since day one i felt so in love i would do anything for him. i moved away to get clean shortly after, we stayed in a relationship but he continued to use, hide it, lie, cheat. i moved back a moonth later i used again for about a week and realized thats not what i wanted. i was clean for the next 11 months dealing with a miscarriage in between. countless nights of wondering why he couldnt be there when i needed him most , he didnt care about me when it came to drugs. i finally couldnt take it after 11 months of fighting hard i gave in, i wanted to make him talk to me the only way he would, my relapse was short it lasted about 3 months. he promised he would get clean with me and stay clean and the only way he could was to move away. we went 1200 miles away and lived with a brother. things were great! i started feeling that love again and i got pregnant shortlyafter! we were so happy to start a family. and about 4 months into the pregnancy he again started lying about small things, leaving for hours,money started dissapearing. and then the worst of it happened. he started leaving bruises. i showed up at work a coule times with a black eye, tinnitus from being slapped so hard. bruises on my arms. he would steal my car for days on end. i was lucky if i saw him a day a week. i looked foward to it because i wanted to know he cared but at the same time i slowly became more terrified. he was lost deep about 7 months into the pregnancy i was wrestled to the floor for my car keys. i was too afraid to call the cops. i soon found out his girlfriend lived 3 houses away and had just got her 4 kids taken away by cps i was under somuch stress i had severe insomnia id go days without sleep. a few weeks later i finally had enough. i was terrified he was leaving town for work and i took my chance. 8 months pregnant i hadnt slep for 2 days at the fear he would walk in while i was sleeping, i packed everything i could into my 4 door. and i drove. i was finally able to sleep after being 100 miles out of town. i started my way back home. it was nov. 1st and i had 1200 miles to go. i drove scared the whole way back, having only left with 200$ i really had to concerve and hope to make it back. i made it home safley and gave birth to a healthy baby boy at 6lb 4 oz . 3 weeks after his birth his dad swore to be clean and sober and that he was coming home. things went great for months. we were so deeply in love with a a happy family, we even got married. i couldnt imagine my life without him. up until recently. right now i am 9 weeks away from having a baby girl. about a month ago i found out he started using again. hes gone for hours without a word. and no explanation as to where he is. hes left over 24 hours ago said he had errands to run and ive heard from him once. his using is tearing me apart. i want to fight this and overcome it but i know its not healthy. i cant allow that behavior anywhere near our baby and the one coming. but i feel i love him and its so hard to leave. were married? do we fight this battle. im terriefied things will go back to the way they were when he was completely lost.. i need help. im starting to lose faith in myself and what i believe

  160. Thank you for writing this, you have practically saved my life. I’ve even stopped crying reading this because now I know it is not my fault. My boyfriend, sorry ex boyfriend as of last night, is a full blown ketamine addict. We have been together less than a year and he has literally broken me in two. Every single thing I just read in that article is exactly what I have gone through!!! I can’t believe how right it is. Even to the point where it’s now 4am and I’m laid in bed crying myself to sleep because he’s not come home, this is the second time he has done this. I’m sure if I carried on this relationship I would be here many more times.

    I kept blaming myself and thinking what’s wrong with me? Why can’t he quit for me? He blames me now me says I drive him to do it! I know now what my gut has been telling me since day one… Get rid of him…. As it says in this blog you stay be use you feel like you should help. Not no more, he’s a sinking ship and he’s dragging me down as well. I’ve even had to start taking antidepressants because it’s messed me up so bad. The amount of emotions I go through with this guy in a day you would not believe! I’m 31 years of age and luckily I have been wise enough to realise before a full year has passed. I wish I had realised a lot sooner and listened to my gut.

    Thank you so so much. I will keep reading this whilst dealing with my breakup to keep me strong. You have saved me from ending up at rock bottom xx

  161. AKA Bubbles,

    It is no wonder you are tolerating a relationship with an addict, especially if your parents struggle with addiction or did in the past. Sometimes we try and save another person in order to recreate the situation we grew up in. Sometimes it is not even about the person but more the situation that recreates what we are used to and what we already know. That fear of abandoning him comes from the fear of losing someone you love to addiction or not having a connection with your parents because of their behaviors so if you can make this work, maybe you can correct your childhood pain. This, I can assure you is not the way to do it. We have to break free and find our own path. I know, I did the same thing. I was with an addict and we had a child for over 12 years and it was always a struggle. If that is not the life you want then you have to find the life you want and go out and get it. You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to, I promise you that. I am living proof of that. Please read the other articles I have written here, just click on my name next to my picture and please pick up my book, Hope Street. I need you to understand the dynamics of this relationship.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  162. Hi, My real name is not bubbles but for this sake it is. I’m 21 and I’m head over heels for a heroin addict.

    It started when I met him at my ex boyfriends house. He said he did pain killers back then but I suppose I never paid attention. When we started talking , he never brought it up that he did any sort of pills. We both smoke marijuana (which I would never have a problem with) I suppose for his sake I should. Anyways. We had the perfect relationship at first. I mean completely unbelievable . It was like a movie almost . I’ll never forget all the good times we had. He I suppose was depressed before we started talking. His parents said they had never seen him so happy after I came into his life.

    I suffer from bad anxiety and I must admit he came into my life when I had no control over it. After my first break down , that’s where it started going down hill. I feel like I broke him down and back into his depression. But we were already so hooked on each other and I had taken his virginity we never left each other.
    He stayed with me break down after break down and eventually I could see the once burning flame fade out.

    Meanwhile , I was dreading in my pool of regret and apologies for how I acted , he was doing pills to kill the pain. Mind you he did do them before and he quit when I Made him happy . I don’t want to blame myself but it seems like if I would have kept the spark going maybe he wouldn’t of started pills again.

    Everyone around me has said he’s always had this problem with pain killers.

    (I’m so sorry if I’m babbling on. This is the first time I’ve reached out for help)

    After while I started to realize I was just like my mom and I did everything I could to change myself . He stayed right beside me the whole time. (We have been dating for four years) every time I’d have a meltdown he always took me back and continued to do whatever he could to help. Luckily , I was able to over come and control my anxiety without any use of medicine.

    Once do realized I am emotionally stable I started realizing he was acting different . He’s a very shy doesn’t say too much kinda guy. Very sweet and brilliant at that. But he started to get really annoyed of me. Like he hated me. And I thought it was bc of all the crazy meltdowns I used to have . It was a bit confusing bc when we were happy he would tell me how great I had been doing over the past year and how much progress I made.

    His parents helped me too. Both of them are like my parents. I’m so close to both of them more than I am my own. I’ve taken drug tests for them and everything . His mom was the first person I called when I found needles in his apartment . I remember the day that I did , I slung everything off his dresser (paint, cups, food plates. You can only imagine how dirty he was. Never cleaned and never took his dog out) he got so pissed and pushed me . This was the first time he had ever done anything like that. My head hit the corner of the bed and it made me bleed . He freaked out and cried and told me it would never happen again. A few days later I searched his apartment and found a huge bag of needles. I showed his mom once again. She then started listening to me. Still both of them are so oblivious till this day. They believe everything he’s saying .
    Both of my parents were addicts at one pint so I don’t take any shit . I’m not stupid and I refuse to let his lies convince me he’s telling the truth . Anyway, he ended up going to rehab and eventually he got out early for doing such a great job. He bullshitted his way through the whole program and refused to go to a halfway house after . I stayed with him through the months he was gone and stayed loyal. When he came back him and his best friend .. we will call him Joe became friends again. Well they both are a greatly bad influence on each other when it comes to these drugs . He became abusive again and pushed me multiple times . I fell on a glass cup and cracked my tail bone.

    (Why the hell I didn’t leave I have no idea . I never thought I’d be that girl)

    I was so shocked and confused and hurt . But for some reason I still wanted to help him. His parents were so oblivious to his lies I was the only one who knew the truth so I felt like I needed to stay. Months had gone by and I notice his track marks are popping up again. He lies and says they’re old but who is he kidding ?

    There’s literally nothing I can do until I catch him in the act so I guess I just stayed. I tried not to many times. I tried to ignore him or even get him to notice I would leave him. He knows I won’t . When I stop talking to him he has no problem not talking to me which makes me hate myself . Why aren’t I good enough ? Why isn’t he threatened ? I’ve been here for him through his whole drug problem and he still doesn’t care . He’s lazy. He won’t get a job. His apartment and room is always dirty . He lives downstairs at his parents house now bc I decided to get my own place . I never leave bc he never left me through my worst times. Now that I want to leave it’s like the vision of us working out and having an amazing future with him pops up in my head .

    His mom and I used to talk about me having her grand kids and just stuff that meant so much to me.

    I want to leave but that means leaving his parents. I don’t have good parents of my own and his parents have really formed me into a lady. (My moms trashy)

    They’ve done so much and Idk it’s hard to leave all that behind . But I’m not happy . I bought a dog bc I’m lonely . She helps me so much. I don’t want to be with him anymore if his addiction is a problem. I’m beautiful and I’m told that everyday by different people. I know I deserve better and I’m with a loser . I want better I want someone who deserves me . His mom wouldn’t ever let me cut her off . And I feel like that’s the only way I’ll be able to get over him. I can’t look at her face everyday bc all I see is him. It’s hard and idk what to do. His family , I’ve met everyone and they all play such a huge part in my life. They are so oblivious tho. And have no idea what I go through . They still see him as the sweet guy he lets everyone thinks he is.

    Which don’t get me wrong when hes not being accused of doing drugs he’s so good to me. But I want someone who will be good to me all the time .

    I don’t actually even want another relationship for a long time. I don’t want sex with anyone else . I just want to be alone without the pain of missing him.

    I’m sorry I babbled so much I’m crying as I write this. I just need some sort of answer . How do I get rid of someone who is really goood to me

    (Mind you he’s only been pushy with me 3 times in the past 4 years , which I know is too much)

  163. Kyra,
    If he is nodding out, he is using heroine. Does it matter if it is crack or heroine anyway? This is not healthy for you or your daughter’s. This man is deeply damaged and you feel so sorry for him that you are enabling his addiction. That is the truth. I know, I did the same thing for 12 years and ended up alone. Please get help, for you. Keep reading my articles here, click on my name by my picture and 40+ articles will come up.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  164. Melussa,
    Please pick up my book Hope Street. You can be the smartes person in the world but when you are addicted, you trade your soul for the drugs. You need to understand the dynamics of addiction so you can stop driving yourself crazy and second guessing your gut instincts. They are right and you need to realy understand that.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  165. Etta,
    I understand why this is so painful for you because you invested your life in this man. I did the same thing years ago but what I can tell you is that as long as you stay with him is as long as you will suffer. Most people write here so that I can help them figure out how to get the addict clean. That is an impossible task because all I can do is help you, help yourself. Please pick up my book, Hope Street, I wrote it for this very reason. You need to get yourself out of this situation and away from him because you need to see clearly again. This is consuming you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  166. Hey, I am 40 years old. I am a carer a mum of 6 and have a 17 and 13 year old still at home. I got together with my partner 8 months ago. He has a heroin and crack cocaine addiction.. I fell in love with him very quickly he is all I ever wished for and more. He would say he would be round at 5 and turn up at 9-10pm. Go to the shop 5 minutes away but would take an hour. I had never been around this kind of drug before but knew something wasn’t right. I asked him and he always had excuses, “he had bumped into someone” was his favorite. He was working at the time. He lost his room he was renting in someone’s house. Said they had fell out 3 half months in. I said he could stay till he got something sorted. Soon I know but everything was going so well and it wasn’t going to be permanent.. He was waiting on a tax rebate of £1400 but told me it was going to his old address so he was meeting his friend who also rented a room there to see if he could get it. He came back said he hadn’t gotten it. Woke up the next day to meet a friend who owed him £20. He didn’t come back for a week. I was frantic, found his old phone. Rang people and found out he had these addictions. He came back he had lost so much weight. He also lost his job. Was still in the same clothes he left in. He stunk and was so upset. I agreed to help him. Went to a place called tads he had to wait 3 weeks for subutex so he was buying methadone off the street.. got the subutex. I haven’t given him money and he has never stolen from me. He told me he has been on and off heroin since he was 12 his mum had a trap house – drug house and she also had a smack addiction and has now passed away. After 3 months he got a job and all was going okay. I controlled the money he didn’t trust himself with any. He started getting home later and later from work and then yet again didn’t come home. I was ready to throw in the towel. I had enough of the lies and deceit. He got arrested for missing probation and received two weeks. He came out on the 2nd of October. More determined and stronger than I have ever seen him. He got a new job and a car. We booked a holiday last week. We were so happy he put on a stoke in weight. Then this Thursday just gone he had the day off work and so did I. He was so distant. Was asking questions about ex boyfriends and being nasty. Friday he didn’t come home from work. Don’t even know if he went. I called him at 18:00 he said he was in the chemist picking up God script and would call me back. I called back at 10 past and his phone was off all night as it always is when he goes off. He came back in the morning ragging because I said I can’t do it anymore and he wanted the money in my account that was his and I wouldn’t give it to him bc I was to scared to. He took his son out sat called to say we should talk while he was with his son. I waited and waited and he didn’t show up. He was gone all night – I woke this morning and he was in my car park asleep in his car. I left it till 13:30 to go out there bc I didn’t know what to expect. I thought what if he is dead in there – awful thoughts so I had to check. He moved when I banged on the window so I walked off he got out begging me not to leave him that he has know one that he needs me and needs my help. That he is on the verge and I will push him over the edge. I was adamant to begin with that I wouldn’t. He was crying so I brought him in for a cuppa. He has injection marks on both arms. Said he couldn’t do it he kept trying but his veins kept collapsing. But he did smoke crack. He can be such a lovely guy. I don’t want to give up on him I love him but I’m scared he will never stop. He said today he doesn’t need the subutex it’s a pravado. He can do it without. I told him he needs to go back on it. We went out for some food. He was hallucinating and nodding off. Said he promises he hasn’t done heroin that he is just tired he has had 1 hours sleep in 4 days. I don’t know what to believe anymore and he gets annoyed if I don’t believe him. So I nod when I shouldn’t. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.

  167. Hi Amanda,
    I broke up with my bf of almost 4 years a few months ago because of his cocaine use… i still love him but I just couldn’t continue with the lies and broken promises…I knew he did cocaine once in a while and at first I didn’t mind it … but then I noticed it was starting to affect our relationship…..the mood swings and lies…and the fact that he was always short in cash…. but somehow had enough to buy cocaine .. a year ago i asked to please stop using it that i was no longer okay with it even if it was just once in a while… but a few months ago I caught him using and I just had to leave … i was never too sure that he was an addict I thought people could do the drug once in a while but not actually be addicted … but when I found out that he did cocaine when we were taking my godson to An arcade center i noticed that he must be addicted … he’s such a smart guy and he just doesn’t seem like an addict … i feel like I was fooled for so long … what’s sad is that even after the break up I know he is still using …

  168. I moved to Ohio 9yrs ago.I started a new life,I was married for 15 yrs.but got separated.I met this guy ,we fell in luv real fast.I met him where I worked at and after 3 months he got fired.so we started dating and he had a 3 yr old daughter.I started spending more time with them and then he kept on calling me names and trying to controlling my life .I thought it was me.and then he started to leave me with his daughter for days at a time,I didn’t know where he was.I was new at all of this.I didn’t know anyone but him and his daughter.he had numbers on his frig so I kept calling them to find out if anyone seen him,so no one has.so I started calling hospitals the cops and even jails .then I came to one number I haven’t called yet,she answers and says he does this all the time ,he will be back so she came and picked up his daughter and said she’s the one who takes care of her and her sister.so I just go on and still stays because I feel sorry for his daughter.then it gets worse I did everything to make it work between us ,he kept loosing his jobs and is places where he lived.then he gave up his daughter to his brothers gfs aunt and blames that on me.he started stealing from me and lying to me so I found out what he was doing so I confronted him he was doing crack cocaine no it isn’t it is a new kind of weed,I wasn’t falling for that .I saw a bag it was white I’m not stupid.I Started to Google it to find out what it is.I didn’t no nothing about crack and drugs until I met him.I thought I could help him ,I couldn’t but I still couldn’t leave ,he can be a gd person but then it got real bad he kept stealing my money ,my stuff and treating me like shit.I couldn’t go out with friends ,he would calll me names.I have 5 kids with my ex husband my youngest was 11.he wanted me all to himself ,he started to break my phones and rip up my expensive clothes so I couldn’t take it anymore so I started to do it back to him.he made me become this evil person that I don’t want to be.then he Started to cheat on me with girls from his work.everytime I would catch him.I kept telling myself he’s no gd for me but I kept staying .I’ve been with him for 9 yrs.now I keep thinking he will change .he tells me he luvs me and he don’t want no one but me and that’s all he needs.God I could right a book about this.my head is so messed up from him I can’t take it anymore.he would get me in trouble with my work ,like I said I did it back to him.he cheated on me 5 times that I know of.I give him everything and he never does anything for me but use me.so back in February of 2016 he started living in a motel so I would stay there with him but then I felt gross so April comes I’ve working alot to support my family so they could have a roof over there head.he was on fb and found a girl from school started hanging out with her I didn’t even know thenothing I found her number in his phone so I called her all she did was lie.so I went to his work and I saw him with a girl when she left I follower ed her and we talked she’s been seeing him too.how nasty is that.so he decided to leave me at the end of may and moved in with her and then I decided to get help and detox myself from him ,I was doing so gd,he started calling me he said he messed up and that she’s not attractive to her so he wanted to come back to me .this girl put me though hell.I told him he has to cut ties with her so we can move on .so he moved in with me he didn’t like it here because my 2 kids so he moved in with her again then 3 weeks later he got into a fight with her so he moved back with me he’s been with me sense he moved out of her house in July so know where in October 2016 know he decided he wants to go to detox so he told me Tuesday that he wanted to get fcked up before he goes we been fighting because I told him I’m done giving u all my money all the time so we where supposed to be spending time before he goes ,he decided to fight with me and leave .I knew he was talking to her the whole time I kept telling myself I was stupid and that’s why I wouldn’t get to close to him because I knew in my gut he would hurt me again.so I haven’t heard from him yet.he told me 5 days ago he has to get away from me and that I’m in enabling him to do this .trust me I’ve been waiting for this day for 9 yrs.I don’t want to enable him it’s hard when hes constantly nagging u for money ,so I give in .know I’m hurt all over again now I have to detox myself all over again.I luv him so much it hurts.what did I do so wrong for him to do this to me.I waisted 9yrs of my life for this.and know she gets all the credit for helping him.when Ive been though it all.they only knew each other for 6 months.don’t know what to do it sucks.
    I’m dating a crackhead,I need answers what do I do.

  169. Emily,
    You are asking why. The answer is you can love someone but they and the relationship may not be good for you or healthy. It sounds like your happiness depends on her situation. This is common for co-addicts. Have you read Hope Street? I would highly recommend you do. Sometimes we need to see the things we are doing through another’s eyes.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  170. Hi, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 1 year and a half in the beginning everything was great she had a Xanax problem but that was easily over looked one night after her birthday she decided to hang out with her friend caley and wanted me to come she was hanging out with a bunch of people doing heroin at t ha point before I knew she did it I told her “I don’t want to date a dope feen” and she lied to me and said she wasn’t on it, so I go months of her hitting on other people and talking to other females to help fuel her addiction and she keeps telling me I’m a whore, slut etc. When I didn’t do anything and she was talking to all these people she made me feel so down but she finally decided to come off of it and those whole three days she treated me like I was nothing out relationship finally got back on track but she slipped away again and started treating me like I was non existent which made me make the ultimate betrayal because I wanted to feel wanted her best friend came over and she left her and I so she could go get high and this girl told me things about myself i haven’t heard in a long time I really began to feel like myself again so I made out with her I didn’t have sex with her or anything but still I cheated but I thought my girlfriend deserves it because of how she treated me she found out and got worse with her addiction brought more girls in our life then finally overdosed twice in one day I saved her life with cpr till the ambulance came with narcan to reverse the effects and she quit for a long time we got married and were so happy then she started to ignore me alot starting three weeks ago and she admitted to using them this weekend she did some more and is finally going through withdrawal but the question is I’ve been through this six times now when does it stop? When do I stop feeling the betrayal of her stealing from me and ruining her life again after I tried to save it? Why am I falling out of love with her when I still love her? Just a bunch of why?

  171. Fhatuwani and Lisa,
    If I tell you that you both need to let go, I sound cold and insensitive. If you understan how I have come to this conclusion, you will both understand that I am neither, I just have the experience and have heard many stories that all point to letting go as your best outcome. Read Hope Street and find some support. Seek an experienced therapist in addiction, join a local support group to reach out to others affected by addiction and try some restorative and meditative practices to help you deal with the stress and anxiety. You need to try something different if how you are feeling is only growing more intense.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  172. Kristin,
    I need you to understand one thing and only one thing; you are not dealing with your boyfriend or a person with any sense of truth and lie, you are dealing with an addict. He is under the spell of his addiction and as I learned after 12 years of doing it the hard way; asking for honesty, being understanding, fighting, giving ultimatums…I learned that there must be something wrong with me to expect honesty from a drug abuser. Honesty and drug abuse are two words that do not belong in the same sentence. If you understand that, you will be less devastated by his lies.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  173. The Co-Addict,
    I am not here to judge you or your choices. Actually the way I look at it, you are taking the more difficult road. Living with and trying to have a relationship with an active addict is much more difficult then leaving. Leaving is only painful for a time period, weeks, months, a year but eventually you get help and move on. Staying will affect your every day life for as long as the addict is in it. A meth addict also has the very real chance of losing his life to the drug or declining very quickly. You will also see a lot of things not many people have the displeasure of experiencing, like binges, rage, fits of withdrawal, cheating, stealing, lying and manipulation to a degree that is not sustainable for someone who is sober. You are actually making the more difficult choice.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  174. March 2016 I fell in love with an addict, aftr meeting him he was determined to change for my sake n our future then in July 2016 he went to have an implant inserted to kill the cravings of drugs. Then a month after being clean his family gave him a car, after 3 weeks of owning the car it was stolen, 2 weeks later he went missing. Today as am writing his nowhere to be found. Am hurting very deep

  175. My boyfriend is in the process of getting off the needle. I knew pressure and ultimatums would only make him hide it so I told him as long as he was making an effort..I wouldn’t get on him for it. He could quit at his own pace… which actually seemed to work. Last week he gave me a little spoon and asked me to get rid of it and told me he was done with it for good. And he seemed pretty happy about it… but just now…I noticed a spoon handle sticking out of his pocket… and I REALLY don’t know if I should say something or not.. Because hell either deny it or lie (he’s also VERY narcissistic so admitting any fault or wrong ain’t happening).. And that will cause a fight and give him justification in his mind to go use more… but i DO NOT do well with being lied to… Especially when I thought we had an understanding.. Why the hell is he hiding it?.. So if I don’t confront him now.. It WILL surface at a bad time … some small fight when it’s not even the issue… I really just need some advice on whether I should confront him or not…

  176. My Story as of today… May not be typed perfect but I hope you guys can understand.
    Is it really worth the heart ache? One man and one child… Both of them are my world and brighten my day. I can spend every waking moment with the two of them. Our laughs and goofy moments burn into my memory and I will never let them go. I care for them every day with happiness. My two boys love me completely and I love them to the moon and back.
    But one of these boys has the power to break me down completely. He breaks me down to the point where I can’t breathe. When it gets like this I’m unable to find happiness and it’s all the goes through my mind. You would think that I would learn and take that power away from him, leave him, but I’m still here. I can tell myself that he’ll get better, he’ll stop. Or I can say that if I leave he’ll only get worse. I’m constantly worried about how my actions are going to affect him and his habit. Who’s worrying about me?
    When we first met him I’d had seen him before and a funeral. The next time was a year later out a bar. He was tall and handsome with a smile that could make a girl fall in love. I did my normal thing… Got him to notice me, he drank all night with me, and then we came home with me. We didn’t have sex thought, he held me all night. Rare for a man… I had seen him the next day but didn’t want much to do with him. I did have my eye on another man who had pissed me off the night before. That’s the reason why I was so infatuated with him that night. I was keeping my mind off the other guy. A couple weeks past and I continued to talk to the man I was interested in, but he kept texting. I would reply to him with sort answers insuring him that I wasn’t really interested. Then the night of the fights arrived, him and I talk about buying the fight at my place that night of drinking with him at the bar. He had popped in my head and things were dulling with the guy I was interested in. So I text him, “You watching the fight with me tonight?” and that started it all.
    We were quick to do everything together. Eat, sleep, drink, do laundry, and drugs. We wouldn’t do anything crazy, maybe some coke and one time ecstasy but thats getting ahead of our story. Needless to say our lust for each other took over and we fell in love. I became close with his friends and took them into my heart as if we’ve been friends for years. That you’ll soon learn was a mistake. We did so many things together, all four of us. All our great memoires I try to cherish. The trips and partying kept up for a couple of months. Then it just wasn’t fun for me anymore. Him and his best friend always in the garage and his lady and I in the house…
    I knew he had a past with his habit but I didn’t know I would haunt our future. I began to suspect that his habit was back. I questioned him as he began to slim down and lose his muscles that once made me instantly wet. He was clean, or at least he was convincing at it. I would find things that made me continue to question him but still I was convinced he was telling me the truth. Completely blinded by my love for him you think, you’re right. I found myself checking the cameras more and more. Fighting the urge to look through his phone was getting harder and harder to do. Do I want to find anything in my searches? No but it hurts that I always do. I was almost at my breaking point that morning I found it, his pipe. I laughed in relief thinking to myself thank god I’m not crazy. Shortly after realizing that finding my sanity was the least of my worries. He was confronted and he did feel bad. I don’t know if he felt worse that he lied, hurt me, or got caught. Everything got a little better each day he was clean. I was proud of him that he realized he needed to quit. Then the fighting started, we couldn’t go a day without one. I would joke around and tell him he’s high. Truly hoping that he wasn’t that he was clean, he finally admitted that he had a couple of slip ups but it wasn’t an everyday thing. The fighting let up a little after that. I soon started changing my view and told myself if he’s going to get high I’ll be ok with that so long as he’s honest about it. As much as I would have loved for that to work, it couldn’t. It’s then I realized he had two habits. I don’t know what one I hate more… The lies or the meth. Throughout the next couple of months it became a normal of us to fight. It was an everyday thing for him to lie to me about smoking meth. These habits are taking him from me and I’m scared that I’ll evenly lose my fight to keep him. I’m almost there, giving up that is.
    One blow up after another I stay with him. No matter how hard I try I can’t leave him and I’m now hurting myself in this process. All the tears and the yelling are all for nothing. I try and tell myself not to get mad, not to fight but it’s so hard not to. I don’t understand why he won’t stop. If he doesn’t want to quit then why doesn’t he just leave me. He would be able to get high without hurting me in the process if he left me. I’m at my breaking point…
    Months of going back and forth with the lies and smoking meth and nothing has changed. All the lies make me wonder what else he could be lying to me about. Has he cheater on me? Is he cheating on me? Looking through his phone and I see him talking to more and more females. Why wouldn’t he? It would be perfect for him to be with a girl that gets high. Is that what he’s doing? We fight about that and he convinces me that he would never cheat on me. At this point though I’m tired and I’m done so I kick him out. He says hes going to quit Friday but I can’t wait any longer I told him he can come home when he’s sober… Three days pass… The worst three days of my life. Hurting that I can’t have him with me because he feels like he needs to get high to make it though the work week. Hurting because he’s picking meth over our relationships happiness. Over my happiness. I tried to ignore him and deal with that fact that I need to really leave him this time. I was able to do that for about three day then I snapped. Finding him at a dope house and following him about town like a crazy person. He’s still doesn’t quit. Finally the next day I come to him wait on the porch with pizza ready. It was the first time in months I could see him. He was really that about able to feel. I was finally about to breath after months of dying inside. A couple weeks went by and he was staying clean. I was an amazing two weeks. I cherished ever moment of getting to know the real him.
    It’s crazy how much this drug changes a person. Makes them feel inadequate without it and it makes them do or hurt anyone to get high. I was a fool to think he was going to stay clean. It’s one slip no big deal. I was tired baby I needed it to get through this new job. I just got one bowl then threw it out. All reason to make himself feel better about getting high. I wish it would make me feel better… So I have to except that this is my relationship. This is the man I want to marry, a meth addict and a liar. Today is that first day of me really excepting this. Iv’e said in the past that I will but now iv’e truly given up. It is what it is and I can’t leave him. I will never truly have a normal life with him. I’ll always be waiting for the next high or the next lie. I know we will have happy times in between. I just worry that I will always have this piece of me that’s broken because I chose to except him like this. I truly don’t want someone who lies and smokes meth but I love him and can’t leave. I used to pray that he’d just leave me. I know it would hurt but eventually I’d be ok. He’s selfish though and won’t. He won’t stop lying and he won’t stop getting high either. He gets what he wants and I compromise. To be continued…

  177. R Johnson, AK & Lindsey,
    Thank you for sharing here. We all search fearlessly for the person we fell in love with but we live in fear everyday with the person we are presented with today; the addict. Recovery is difficult and it takes 100% committment and honesty and you will know the very minute something is not right. You have to start believing in yourself and trust your own instincts because as co-addicts we tend to ignore the signs and hope for the best. I wish this was the answer but it isn’t. We have to take a fearless inventory of ourselves and come to terms with the situation for what it really is and the likelihood that it may never change unless we change.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  178. I have been a co addict for 6 long years. Everything in this article is spot on.
    I am currently sitting outside of a donut shop crying waiting for him to show up because a crack whore text phone 4 days again and I kicked him out but cannot for the life of me walk all the way away.
    Six months ago we moved from Pennsylvania to Florida help him get/stay clean and he was PERFECT for about 3 months. I couldn’t ask more BUT the last 3 months have been miserable. He may be going back to PA soon and I’m torn. I want the relationship to end but I really don’t. I just want the man he was when we first got here back.

  179. There’s a guy that I was friends with in high school, but he ended up doing online schooling a year after. We met after 3 years, and I fell for him. I had no idea that he was addicted to drugs while we were dating. He lied and hid many things from me to keep me in his life, and now he’s in jail after dating 12 days. I still have a strong feelings for him, but I don’t really know what I should do. I told him over the phone and said that I’d wait for him till he recovers and turns back into the old person. I don’t know if he really wants the same thing as what I desire.

  180. It is helpful to understand the reasons behind why sober people do commit themselves to staying with an addicted loved one. Especially in the case of the high-functioning addict, it can be extremely difficult to loosen the ties to the relationship.

  181. Mary,
    I am sorry for your pain and the loss you feel. We have all been through it here. There is no easy answer on how to get through it, we each have our own journey. When you commit to letting go an only then will you seek out the things you need to help you heal. Being a part of the community here is a good start. If you click on my name near my picture in this article, Amanda Andruzzi, all of my articles will appear and I wrote them to help you move on. The steps are all spelled out but you have to be ready to take them. You need to care for yourself or you are no good for anyone.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  182. I’ve been in love with a man whom I thought would be the last I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve been hearing a lot of feedbacks from other people that he has been using even before I came into his life. When we were living in, I was pregnant at 5 months of his child after I went through a very delicate crucial operation, i stayed in his house . A week later after I was discharged from a hospital we had a big fight for leaving me always alone in the home when I need him at my side. Until he walked away and send me home back to my parents. One month after, he apologized for what he did to me especially I was carrying his child. He kept on begging me to live back with him so that we can live a happy family. he promised me to change and he promised me everything. I gave him a second chance by being ” us” again but I never lived back to his house because my parents opposed. They despised him for what he did to me. So I just loved him from a safe distance. I still love him but the fear is living in me.

    When we were living together I noticed several unusual behaviors from him like being hooked in pornography. He is fond of seing pornography , I feel it very weird to look into love making movies when I was there available for him. Sometimes, during our intimate moments , it’s hard for him to cum. I really wonder why. There were also times when he cannot sleep until morning and usually doing a repetitive tasks like repairing cellphones or downloading of apps or rearranging some icons in the phone. Sometimes wash his car at 12 midnight until 2 am. That sounds so weird right? There were also times when I suddenly wake up at 1:00 am he was not at my side. And when I would text him where he is at the moment, he told me he bought a cigarette. He went back in our house around 3 am. There were a lot of excuses like he cannot be home early because of some business transactions until 3 am. He always look for money.
    When he is sober, he is very and very sweet. But , when I suspect he is using his behaviour becomes a monster. He keep on denying that he is not into “meth”. We just broke up recently. He told me , he still love me. What should i to?

    Even if he kept on denying that he is not using meth but all of those manifestations of an addict can be clearly seen in him. The lies, excuses, cheat, manipulating, unexplained where money goes. Though i did not caught it in the act , but people were telling me that he is using his house like a drug house where a lot of his friends who are also known addicts are getting inside his room for a session. Sometimes, prostitutes came in. Those prostitutes he bring along with him in the house. I hate him. I really really hate him. I am hurt for our family especially for our child. I think I made the biggest mistake of loving a person who is not capable of giving back the love you deserve. What should I do to move on?

    8:25 pm April 30th, 2016

    I can really relate with you. Almost same story with you.

  183. S,
    There is no right answer and I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you this. Is this woman worth your own sobriety? The temptation, the stress and a direct route into a life of drugs is not the best environment for someone who might struggle with their own addictions. From the outside everyone will tell you to move on and that is this no good for you and from my own experience with an addict I would tell you the same thing but I also know that ache in your chest for her and that voice that keeps telling you there is hope for her. You have to go with your gut instincts here and see if you can ever trust her again because amongst all the lies and lines she will feed you, you know when she is using or lying.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  184. Richie,
    You are a good friend to try and help her but much like an addict using drugs, she is a co-addict, addicted to the drug addict. She really has to go this journey the way she wants or she will always think of the “what ifs.” You can only tell her what you see, your experience and offer your support but you will not be able to stop her because right now she is hearing only what she wants to hear so that she can justify staying with her boyfriend.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  185. I am 31 years old, and I’m deeply in love with an absolutely beautiful 29 year old heroin addict! We have known each other for about 15 years, “together” a little over a year. I had my share of issues (mostly cocaine and alcohol) I have been clean, and sober for just over 9 years (thankfully haven’t even had the urge in years)! When we decided to give a relationship a shot I had not seen her in several years, and she promised that she was clean for 2 1/2 years at that point, that I have come to find was a lie (I know shocking). I have a very good job much better than I could have hoped for through the first years of my sobriety. I have been “helping” her with some legal issues (from 3+ years ago). Her car was impounded by the police for nonpayment of fines, so to save time and money I put the car in my name, less than a month later she was involved in a accident (thank god no injuries to her or anyone else) she was arrested for dui, leaving the scene of an accident, and possession of a needle! She told me she was arrested (warrant) and they impounded the car. I went to the police station to get the vehicle back, and was blind sided by the police asking about what kind of damage the car had they then explained that there was an accident, what she was actually arrested for, and that she had told them that her boyfriend had broken the windshield the previous day with a baseball bat (the officers were about to arrest me on domestic violence charges what kept me out of jail was my complete shock and literal speechlessness when they allowed me to see the car)! When I returned home she tearfully confessed to almost everything, she told me that the needle was not her’s and she was not high (she was having trouble sleeping and took “a pill ” ) . That was about 6 months ago since then the trust I had in her is gone. The past 2-3 months have been a complete nightmare she’s been arrested 5 times ( including twice in one day) mostly shoplifting, and 2 for possession. She has pawned her cell phone (a Christmas gift I gave her nearly $1,000). I honestly don’t know if she has told me the truth in the entire time, she is currently in a rehab facility nearly 3,000 miles away (hopefully the distance will help) she’s been there a few weeks into what the therapists are figuring will be a 3-5 month session, I really don’t know what to do anymore, I have offered the world to her told her as far as I’m concerned she never has to work again I will handle the money… But she has to stay clean, not just for me, not even her son (I somewhat planned to leave him out of this he is too young and unfortunately has seen way too much), but she has to get and stay clean for herself! She asked for the treatment center so I’m hopeful that maybe this time she’s ready? I have completely fallen for this gorgeous woman, the problem is I also fell for the line of crap she was giving me! I really love her (the old version) I truly don’t know what to do, I have a sister that has stopped talking to me a couple months ago because she thinks I’m going to be lead back to my old life (I’m not going to lie as I write this a bottle of whiskey is starting to sound pretty good) I can’t believe I “missed” what was happening right under my nose, but I did. Now I’m just trying to decide whether I’ll be here waiting for her to complete the program, or if I should/could bailout of everything I ever wanted?

  186. I need help!!!

    I was the sober co-addictive man who loved his wife and tried many times to get her to be clean and sober. I spent an additional 5 years of a failed marriage to help her, but to no avail. I had to get her parents involved, which to this day my ex-wife has not forgiven me.

    But this story is NOT about me.

    I just found out 2 days ago that my friend (26), who is studying to become a doctor (her dream) is dropping out of school and wants to peruse an easier degree so she can find a job. I thought this statement was odd because she was always been passionate to become a doctor. Later that night, I was having drinks with our friends (she was not present) and based on random pieces of information, I concluded that her boyfriend is an addict and she a co-addictive girlfriend.

    I texted her late that same night and she confirmed my suspicions and she strongly believes that she can help him to be sober. After our texts, all I can think about is how I “wasted” 5 years, the lies I told to my ex-wife’s family to protect her and to her job, and constantly having to pay off her huge drug use debts, else she or one of her family member will be harmed.

    The following morning I confronted my friend and try to encourage her NOT to quit medical school for her boyfriend; all I got were lies and her trying to validate that he is getting better. I explained to her that she only has a few critical years for medical school because as she gets older, it will be more difficult. I asked her what sacrifices has he done to support her dream; she could not answer. I begged her to just go for one more semester, which she will begin in September.

    I HAVE TO GET HER HELP … I HAD NO ONE AND I WASTED A PROMISING ENGINEERING CAREER AND I DON’T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO HER. All our friends call her drama queen and don’t really care; to be honest, most of them don’t know the whole story and some who do and they tell me that she has to experience it and she is beyond help. I suspect that her parents does not know of the drug addiction portion of her boyfriend’s life or that she wants to quit medical school; all they see is the boy friend’s charm and the fun their daughter is having.

    I’ve determined that she is at the middle of phase one with her relationship. I NEED ADVICE!!!

  187. Sophie,
    This has to do more with you and what you want than him. Why are you in love with a person who cannot reciprocate? What does all of this mean for you and your sense of self-worth? There is something this type of relationship is re-creating or fulfilling for you that you have to figure out. It is in unhealthy relationships that we sometimes learn what our own issues are.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  188. Hello I’m 19 nearly 20I can relate to this post but need a little advise I was with a guy for 3 years who was an alcoholic (whom suffered depression ) met him when I was 15 I knew he had a problem and I accepted to help the doctor said if he continues to drink his liver will pack in we had a rough year and a half it was hell lies bust ups arguments heart. Brake and even. Violence but we made it after just over 2 years alog of re hab medication therapy and hard work he did it we did it we were happy for a while after got engaged on my 18th birthday month later I just was t feeling it I think I had had enough we split I moved back home (300 miles ) there was no going back started a new job back home and if there is such thing as love at first sight he was it I felt bad not ready after the relationship I just left but I just couldn’t help myself we got serious fast he is a lot older with a child with another woman and I knew he did coke I was smitten and Shaf. I idea till the following year how bad his cocane ha but came out when the mother of his son co rafter me telling me he had been sleeping with there as well as me then it all came out he had been horrible to me telling me I was a stupid little girl no one would want me and I would never find anyone as good as him etc he is quite bad and I was that I love I let him away with it all and had. No idea he was addicted we are still together nearly a year since I met him and he’s really struggling in debut no car no house back with his mum and dad he wants me to help him but do I love him enough I don’t k ow what to do to go from an alcoholic to a coke addict I’m struggling at such a young age

  189. Nicole,
    We have all been there, that is why I created this site, wrote my book, Hope Street and blog about the subject. We are all or once were co-addicts, that is why we are here. However, if you don’t take what we have learned and apply it to your own life then it is all useless or only cathartic. Your story and all of our stories are the same. We loved or love an addict and then we become addicted to the addict and his problems. That makes us sick too. After a healthy attempt at helping the addict is gone, why do we obsessively keep trying. We are trying to go after that first feeling or high that the seemingly sober addict gave us. We see it in glimpses and so we hope it will return for good. That is the vicious cycle we are on and the only way to stop it is to get off. Learn from all of us here who did this for years or decades and never changed ourselves but only waited and hoped the addict would change. Imagine if we all cared about our own well-being as much as we were concerned about the addict’s, if that were the case this would be a very different kind of blog.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  190. First time falling in love. My partner is sweet, caring, loving, funny, charismatic…until he smokes a bowl of meth…then he’s distant, quiet, seems like he’s mad but says he’s not…he’s like a completely different person.. My mind knew before my heart did that being with him was a bad idea
    Now I’m attached to him, I worry when he’s gone for long periods of time, I lose sleep waiting for him to come home, I barely eat because I’m so anxious for his prescence I’m a co-addict and I don’t want to let him go

  191. Cath,
    Have you read Hope Street? I highly suggest you read it to get a glimpse into your future if you decide to stay. All of us here wish we would have been able to leave early on but we believed we could help the addict change. This is not your battle, you cannot save him.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  192. Jen,
    I usually don’t push my book on people but in this case and in some I really need you to read it so that you can see what is really going on. Hope Street will help you feel like you are not alone and that you are not crazy or insane for what you are feeling. It will also lead you to hope and help you find a way for yourself through this and then out of this. I really want you to understand that you have nothing to do with his behavior, he is an addict and must have drugs and will do and say anything to keep using and have you too. This is part of addiction as well as his moods. He is using and you know that he can’t just stop and start so everything he tells you is suspect. You become a detective even though it is the last thing you want to be but there is zero trust and you hang on the idea that the person you love will come out. He is an addict, that is a big part of who he is. You need to come to terms with that first before doing anything.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  193. Hi!
    I have a boyfriend. We’ve been together for a month. During the courting stage, he never told me that he has drug addiction problem. His family concealed it from me as well. However, just recently, he had a relapse and suddenly becomes unavailable. I cannot contact him and he even changed his number. Since I’ve been so inquisitive from his family as to his whereabouts, his family then confessed that he actually had a relapse and deactivated all his social media accounts and closed all his devices hence unreachable. After hearing this for the first time, I was in awe and I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to leave him since I feel obligated to stay with him and help him to overcome this. However, I also feel scared that this is a big risk of somehow, I might prejudice my future if I stay with him. Can someone help me what to do? I haven’t told my family yet on his condition since I know they will not let me be near him if they knew that his an addict. I don’t want to leave him yet, I wanted to give him a chance to change himself for us. Do you think its possible? Thank you so much!

  194. This is exactly what I am dealing with.The rollercoaster ride.Here for week gone for two. He comes back apologizing for what he has done , his wonderful of a girlfriend Iam and that he is so lucky that I am there for him ,tells me he wants help but then does nothing to help himself.He asks me to find programs ,I’ve offered to even go with him but I don’t want to look up programs or do for him anymore, I feel bad because I love him dearly but I fear for myself waiting for the ball to drop crashing on my emotions and heart. This last time he left blaming me for everything saying the most horrible insults I truly was done until I found my self texting him to see how he is ,big issue is close friend of friend just died last week from OD. I can’t keep allowing my emotions to be played ,we get back together and everything is like a honeymoon stage, he comes over ,I hear the same” I miss you ,love you, can’t be without you, your my best friend ” and all those things and qualities that I know and he knows I am ,but let him sniff the demon and then I’m complete opposite.Each time he relapses then tries to stop his moods get worse. He told me this time he had a long discussion with his brother who has also noticed he is using again this time missing me and how hehas hurt me .I have actually this last time thought “I’m going to date other people and was letting go but its not that easy because the man I want I feel at times I don’t know who he is” or do I .It is a mixture of the two.I can’t stand when he wants to fight out of withdrawals then the blame starts ,the you just want me to live in a bubble with you ,you don’t want me to have a life” you don’t say those things to the girlfriend you say you love and want to marry, I am not a quitter but this is a challenge I never wanted.He has a lot of great qualities ,smart ,we have fun anywhere,so many things in common, when he is not lying or under the influence, he functions we’ll as an addict to the outside world but to me I know and see the real more than his own family,and when he leaves and tells me that its me thathurts me the most. He came back two days ago as I let him and I made dinner,dessert, we had a nice night then the next day its snotty snide remarks and he asks me what my prob then starts to tell me this is why I get like I do “are you kidding me,moods get worse and faster everytime now I asked him when the last time he used he said three days ago ,he denies any moods at all ” I m fine is the typical,I m in a great mood” He doesn’t see it ,then he does ,then he doesnt, my friends told me of alanon but in meantime I m sick of fighting or not being able to ask questions or have conversation without him treating me as if I’m doing something wrong . Please some insight ,thankyou!!

  195. Margaret,
    Please listen to my advice and just consider it, even though, I was you at 19 and I know that nobody could have stopped me from what I did, it may have been different coming from a person who has already been there. Please pick up my book Hope Street so that you can have a real glimpse into your future. If someone sleeps around on you and convinces you to use heroine, even if you love them, you nee to leave them because they are very ill and toxic. You may feel like your feelings won’t allow you to and when we are young we act first on our emotions and think later and have to pay for our mistakes. You are going to make them, but now you can make an educated decision and possibly save yourself from something that will be potentially extremely awful. How can he love you if he sleeps with other woman, he doesn’t respect you and with love comes respect? You need to figure out why you still love someone that treats you this way, and I know from experience it has more to do with something that is missing in you or some issues you have, you just have to figure out what those are and work on them. Please, if nothing else, click on my name in this article and all of my articles will appear, read them and Hope Street and then tell me how you feel.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  196. Hi everyone. I’m so desperate for help right now. I’m 17 and my boyfriend is a heroin addict and he’s been in rehab for the past month. He comes home on Monday. While he was away, I learned the entire time we were dating (4 months) he was still using. He told me that he wasn’t and that he had stopped. He was couch surfing a lot, and ended up living with this girl that he told me was an old soccer friends sister. Well, that was also a lie because I found out he met her on Tinder and asked to move in with her when he got kicked out of his old house. Then, he proceeded to bring many girls there and fuck them all without my knowledge. He’s manipulated, lied, and convinced me to do heroin with him. I don’t do that anymore, because I am in IOP myself, and it was only 1 or 2 times. I don’t know what to do. I love my boyfriend very much, and I know he loves me. I know his heart and I know he’s a good person when he’s not using. What do I do? Stay or go? I’ve never had someone in my life like this before, and I’m just so stuck. I’m very close with his mom and his entire family, and I don’t want to lose that closeness with them either. PLEASE give me the absolute honest truth, I’m tired of trying to do this by myself.

  197. Jane,
    I apologize this post slipped past me but I hope you are still out there. The secret is to go through the emotions of loss and allow yourself to grieve. It is a process and it may take longer for some than others but time, distance, distractions, therapy, learning coping skills and support groups are a great system to help you. Do not suffer alone and be around people who can help you and bring you up instead of the addict who was bringing you down for so long.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  198. Hi,I have just this weekend finished my relationship with my cocaine addict boyfriend.i am absolutely heartbroken. Reading your article was like reading our relationship from start to finish and as much as I know there is no longer anything I can do to make the relationship work,I am finding it so hard to let go. He is like a lost soul who needed to be saved and made me feel only I could do it.but only he can.if you have any advice on how I can stay strong it would be much appreciated…I’m really going through it at the moment.

  199. Kimberly,
    I wish I could tell you that there are a ton of success stories because I am sure there are but it is a gamble you take with your own life and happiness and your future. You never really know if an addict will start drinking again but you can use your gut instincts to know it an attempt at sobriety is really genuine. I cannot guarantee that he will never use again and if you can live with a life that is uncertain that is a decision you will have to make on your own.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  200. Jessica,
    Please read the other articles I have written here, click on my name and all of them will come up. You need to start understand that the answers are within you and that you can change your life but that you cannot change his or help him any longer. This is his battle, not yours. You have risen above addiction and unfortunatley he hasn’t. Also pick up Hope Street, my memoir if possible because I too was in a highly co-addictive relationship with an addict who was my first love. We had a child and leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did but he was destroying my life. You need to understand that you can rise even further and have a happy life on your own and maybe someday with someone else. You need to understand the nature of addiction and that it is not personal towards you but it can destroy you just as much as it is destroying him.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  201. Destiny,
    I am so sorry for your parents and how they have lived their lives. You might want to seek therapy to understand why you chose to stay in a relationship with an addict. Sometimes we repeat patterns because they are all we know and subconciously try to do something to change the outcome. For example, maybe you are trying to save him because you could not save your parents. Perhaps you are with him because you are used to the drama and the cycle that addiciton brings and it is familiar to you. I hope you find the answers you are looking for but I do not think you are going to be able to help him stop. Hitting rock bottom on his own may be his only way to walk into the doors of recovery. You will have to make a choice to work on you and understand why you cannot let go of a relationship that is so toxic.
    Keep searching for the answers within yourself.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  202. Are there any positive outcomes out there? My bf stopped drinking for 2 yrs and the first 6 months were amazing, he was going to meetings weekly and truly recovering. His family didn’t like him going to mtgs and tarnishing the family name, and he thought he had it under control so he stopped. Little by little he was less at peace, more irritable, it came in waves. I would retreat into silence instead of sharing my feelings-so afraid that he was going to drink again. He fell twice, we took breaks because i let him know i would not be in this if he was in active addiction. But the third time I ended it. He came back from a week vacation and came to see me said he realized he can’t drink with control. Is this a real realization or just a ploy to try this game again. If I were to try again what would be different? If his family would ever accept me i think that would help as that seems to be major in the tension that leads him to drink, but I don’t see that happening. He never missed work and always took care of all responsibilities before drinking started, quite a responsible alcoholic. The chores are done, the lawn is mowed, many women would be fine with his behavior but I am not, because I’m pretty sure it’s gonna get worse. Any chance of me making this work? I know he would stop for another two years if I would take him back but I don’t know if he would do the hard work in therapy to clear out the wounds that lead him back to drink. I know there are plenty of success stories out there though.

  203. Hello I am 25 years old I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years he has been my first and only love since I was 15 years old we were so attached to each other that we could not stand being apart. My boyfriend and I both knew how it felt to be taking away from our drug addict mother and never even had a father in our life and from being able to relate to each other we bonded very fast. We promised each other that once we got married and have kids that they were going to have a better life then we did. I moved out of my aunts house at 23 and had my own job and I started back up at college and taking online classes. I let my boyfriend move in with me and we both split the rent and life was going good until a couple months later I found stacks of white small plastic wrappers with rubber bands tied around them I opened them and there it was it was a white powder substance and I knew it was heroin. Because my mom was on it all her life and she still is on it this day.. and all I wanted to do is cry and ask why? Why is this drug taking everyone that I love.. I confronted my boyfriend about the drug and of course he lied but finally admitted that him and his mom have both been getting high together. I knew my boyfriend was going through depression and his mom had her own issues and got prescribed pills and she would give them to her own son and when there wasn’t anymore meds to get high on he would go through withdrawals and that leaded him to heroin.. I got him into a rehab program he agreed to go but then refused to be kept on methadone because he didn’t want to be on it his whole life so after a couple weeks he got into a argument with another patient twice and they kicked him out..he is still working but all of his money is going towards the drugs. which leaves me with the bills stress and depression and a bad anxiety and he tells me he is going to weigh him self down and take less and less of heroin until the point where he will not need it anymore and one day he told me he was done with the drug that he doesn’t do it anymore but day by day I would find a empty wrapper stashed some where or he will be in the bathroom every 10mins or he is gone and lies to me about where he is going and when I confronted him about the empty wrappers he would say they were old and he just never threw them away..I’m just so torn I cry every night and I tell myself I’m leaving him everyday but I never do it because I always think that he is going to change and I’m going to get my boyfriend back and everything will go back to normal I struggle with this in the back of my mind everyday. Even when he is here by me it does not feel like he is there because I can’t talk to him there is no communication I do get a I love you everyday by him but that’s it. He is such a different person now it makes me so upset that I am always angry all the time all I want is for him to get better. How do I leave him when he has no other place to go? What if he overdose and die? He is my best friend and I am loosing him and it’s just not fair that I can’t fix this I love him so much . We have been through so much together and had so many plans for our future I don’t hate him at all I hate the drug I hate it so much

  204. Hi. I met this guy when I was 16 years old and we fell inlove with each other. I found out after I had fallen in love with him that he used to have a crack addiction. He was clean when I met him and was clean for a year into dating him when he relapsed. I lost my mom to a drug overdose and my dad to liver failure because he was an alcoholic. I am clean and when he relapsed he just stopped speaking to me unless it was for money. When he came off the drugs he was clean for a while then he broke up with me cause he relapsed again. Then we moved away because I thought it would help. He was clean for a few months when we moved away but things didn’t work out and we had to move back. We were living together and he was working until one night he just didn’t come home. He was gone for 3 days and I knew right away he was using again so I moved out. When he came home I went back to him and said I understand because I knew he was depressed and needed support. He said he was gonna get help but he stopped speaking to me and kept using. He contacts me sometimes now for money. His addiction is getting worse and worse. I know that he really does love me though and he is an incredible person with a bad problem. I hate to see him go down this path but he doesn’t get help. It has gotten to the point where he is now on the streets and I have tried to stop talking to him because I am thinking hitting rock bottom is the only way. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don’t know if he will ever get clean again and stay clean

  205. Sam T.,

    If you are going deeper into a dark place then you need to seek help. His addiction, like most, affects the people around them and addiction is a selfish disease. You need to create boundaries and then follow through with them, but more importantly, seeking help here is the first step but you need to not stop here. Drug addiction can not be “cut back” or it is not likely to be effective if a person “does it on their own.” An addict needs psychiatric care, self-care, medical care, lifestyle change, therapy, group counseling, tools and skills and sometimes medication before their chances of sobriety increase. If he tells you he is cutting back, it may last a little while but odds are things will swing back and forth until he is ready to change. It does not sound like that is the case and I hope you get to read Hope Street because I was you not long ago. My ex-husband supported me in a very nice lifestyle with our daughter but that didn’t change the fact that he was an addict and everything will always fall apart at some point when addiction takes over.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  206. Hello,I’m 23 years old, my boyfriend of two years is addicted to prescription drugs. He told me it was only recreational use and I believed him. Mainly because I wanted that to be the truth as I look back on it now. It wasn’t until we moved in together did I know how bad it was. He can take up to thirty a day and still not have it be enough. I’ve gotten countless excuses as to why he won’t or can’t go into a treatment program. I recently tried breaking up with him to put further emphasis on how much I wanted him to get help. To him, as long as he’s helping pay our bills and any other help financially…I have no reason to resent the addiction or leave him for it. He says he’s cutting back. I guess that counts as trying? I dont want to leave him and send him deeper into that dark place, but ive found myself in a dark place as well. What should I do???? Please help me

  207. Thank you Amanda. I think every day I am getting to the point of leaving. Nothing about this relationship is good. It’s poison and I will look for support to help me. You are right. I shouldn’t have to suffer because of him. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time out and responding to me. I’m just in a very dark time at the moment and your words helped me.

  208. Shelly,
    Just because you are a doctor does not mean that you have to have it all together and you have be what people see. We all have our weaknesses and you are human. You love him and are a co-addict so none of this will be easy but you need to start focusing on blending the person you present and the person you want to be instead of living two lives. It doesn’t sound like a future with this man is in your plan or will give you the happiness and future you want and deserve. I am concerned about you, smoking dope, even just recreationally and dating an addict is a slippery slope. If you tell him not to and do it yourself then what message are you sending and as a doctor how can you recommend people be healthy? You should take a deep look at this and make some important decisions about your life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  209. Asma,
    You should be asking yourself what about this relationship do you actually love. This person has taken advantage of you and doesn’t treat you well so I am not sure what you’re holding onto. You should really be looking within yourself to understand why you are in this relationship and what it represents for you and why you’re having trouble letting go. I think the issue with you is more about leaving and not knowing if you’ll ever find someone makes you feel good and also you are having trouble with abandon abandoning him. I promise you, you are not abandoning him, by staying you are abandoning yourself.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  210. Hello, I’m 23yrs old, Doctor. My boyfriend is 25yrs old, he was a senior in college when I met him. He was addicted to dope and alcohol. He occasionally took mushrooms also. I used to smoke dope during college days not like an addict but just during parties and stuff so when we started dating his addictions really didn’t bother me. I used to smoke with him and he used to tell me to smoke less before I go out driving. He is still caring and loving but its been more than a year and I don’t see him giving up anytime. He was my senior in college but still didn’t complete his studies. I was a junior but now I finished before him and working. I’m madly in love with him, being a doctor I know how dangerous it is for him. Recently he told me that he wants to try different thing like drug abuse,cocaine etc. I was shocked, he himself is a medical student and he knows all the harmful effects that’s gonna happen to his body. I told him that if he continue to do all this he won’t outlive 40yrs but he seems okay with that. I don’t know what to do. All day at work I advice my patients to eat healthy and coming home I’m dealing with an addict. He wants to be high 24*7. I scared to continue the relationship but I can’t even imagine being without him or being with someone else. I feel so stupid, as a doctor I can clearly see whats happening to his body but I’m helpless. He won’t listen to me, last night I asked him this question “what will I do if u die? You don’t care about my feelings? Are you expecting me to live my entire life alone and missing u?” all I got was “I don’t wanna argue. You knew about this when you started dating me, my love for you is unconditional but I can’t stop all this” ?? Its killing me everyday to watch him destroy his body. I have lost my happiness. Every time I watch him sleep I wish he wakes up to the guy I fell in love with.

  211. I am glade that I found this blog. I have been married for 2 years now, last year I found out that my husband is a heroine addict. Before his addiction our relationships was ups and downs too much problems. what is weird for me he become more romantic after his addiction but I can understand why coz he is taking money from me. But he generally doesn’t care about my feeling since day one of our marriage. My mum is insisting on leaving him. For me now one day I feel I can’t live anymore with him and other day I feel how come I can leave someone in his weaken point in his life. But I have to be honest also, I don’t feel secure at all in my life right now and I don’t know which feeling is more true to me . He doesn’t spend any money on me even before his addiction start. I really need to your opinion. Thanks!

  212. Erica and Bonnie,
    You are going to go through a period of loss and of “what if’?” and that is totally normal. This point can make us break and go back…again and again and again or we can push through it and move on. That is really your own choice. A life with him will be either more of the same, constant distrust, even if there is sobriety and/or never knowing when it will happen again.
    We become co-addicted or codependent and we are ruled by the emotions of the addict. When they are okay, we feel okay, when they are a mess, we are an absolute mess because we don’t have drugs to avoid the feelings. You have every right to go back but if you go to therapy and look deep down inside you will start to see the pattern and that the relationship issues and why you stay are more about your own insecurities and lack of self-love and self-esteem. It took me 12 years and many years after to understand why I chose to stay with an addict and have a child with him and why his addiction covered up my own issues with depresssion and self-esteem, because I thought if I could just get him better, i would be okay too. He wasn’t and I only suffered more. Think long and hard about you and your future before you make any decisions to trust what they say to get you back.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  213. Amanda,
    It seemed like the anger would never end.Now it seems like the sadness and tears will never end.My husband has a severe crack addition. Now since he is out you said now he can go full blown in the addiction.Well now he has no choice but to work and he claims that he barely has used and works all of the time. Now because he found out I have been talking to a guy, he wants to start saying things that he know I want to hear. I really don’t know how much of this is just to talk me into taking him back verses is this genuine. I personally think he is still out there using and he doesn’t have a steady place to live. I do love and care for him, but I can’t live in hell with him anymore.This is a very hard step for me. I was so ready to get him out of here and so angry at him, but now that anger has turned to sadness. Is this normal? I figured Im grieving over the loss. It really does feel like a death took place. I have tried to make this work for 11 years and it seems every other year we are separating. He claims he is really hurt and I never wanted to hurt him. Now I feel well like shit that I’m hurting, he’s hurting, now other guy is angry at me. I told husband I have been trying to fight his battle for him and I can’t win cause it is not my fight. I tried to save him from it.I can’t do that either. I thinking seriously of therapy, cause I’m at the end of my rope on this. There has been a lot of damage done and Im not sure it can be fixed, this makes me sad as well. I’m also scared as hell to stay and I’m scared as hell to move on and leave him behind. I really don’t know what to to. I ask if things are normal, because I really don’t know what normal is. I felt so strong getting him out of here and now I feel in pieces and I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks for being here, listening, and sharing.

  214. Hi Amanda, I’m so grateful for this article and the time you take responding to all these comments. I met my bf when I was 15 at a party he was 19 and I just thought he was amazing, I was head over heels but I never saw him again…fast-forward 7 years and I got a message on a dating site turned out to be the same guy. Things moved fast and I knew within a few weeks he had an issue with drinking..
    He didn’t know when to stop, at the time I was 22 and partying was a part of my life but deep down I knew his lifestyle was more then just partying. He was charming and I desperately wanted to help him because I loved him regardless of the substance abuse. He suffered a brain aneurysm a year later and got clean for almost 2 years until I found out i was pregnant. He started drinking again not coming home after work. A year ago he came home completely blacked out and threw me down the stairs infront of our kid. I called the police and he was charged with assault I left and we went into counselling he stopped drinking and after 8 months we moved back in. I noticed he lost alot of weight and his mood was up and down but I just thought it was from the brain surgery as that is common…anyways last week I noticed money missing and immediately suspected something was going on. Without any hesitation I packed up and moved out. I called him and he admitted to using cocaine aggressively once he had to quit drinking. He’s on probation from the other incident so now he is breaching. My heart breaks for my daughter but for some reason I just knew I was done and thankfully from our counselling together I knew if he kept it up and I stayed I’d just be enabling him and I’d be a part of the problem. It’s been a week and I miss him like crazy but I know in the end it was the right thing to do. I hope he gets the help he needs and sticks to a sober life for our daughters sake. Thanks again for the article it helps to know I am not alone in this.

  215. Briana,
    The first step in leaving is being ready. You may want to leave but unless you are prepared to do it and mourn your relationship, you will continue to go back. You are in a vulnerable state and maybe it was not the best choice to become pregnant but what’s done is done. You can only move forward and try to provide a stable home. He, the way he is, is not part of that equation.
    When you are ready and you feel that you will not take him back, that is when you can start your road to recovery. You need to heal and figure out why you cannot leave a highly toxic relationship. Therapy, al-anon, support groups and asking family and friends for support to leave (even if they are not talking to you) will help you through this. Your children will help you through this because every time he steals from you, he is stealing from the mouth of your children. He is not stable, in recovery, or ready to get clean but that does not mean you need to suffer along with him. You can do this, on your own and by enlisting the help of anyone who can support you through it. You will know when enough is enough, but I write these articles and my book, Hope Street, to help you through my experience so that you may come to that point a lot sooner than I did.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  216. His Girl,
    He has never really gone into recovery, so this is his lifestyle, his pattern and unfortunately this was not going to change just because you are in a relationship with him. You have seen it firsthand as his friend and now as his girlfriend. His recovery has to be something he lives every single day for the rest of his life or he will be fooling himself. 100% abstinece from drugs is really the only way, so the relapses are just his pattern and in between he may be doing another drug or have the will power for a period of time but he is not in recovery. You need to make a decision, do you want to live this way? You cannot change him, only offer him support and create boundaries and make sure you keep those boundaries if he breaks his promise. But eventually this will get tiring and if he does not get serious or want to be in recovery, there is nothing you can do. I played this game for 12 years with my ex-husband. That is what Hope Street is all about.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  217. Samantha,
    You have a very big decision to make for yourself and your children. Smoking crack is something you need address. You should try an intervention with an unbiased interventionist and your entire family (not kids) and be prepared to make good on your boundaries. If you keep going back on what you expect from him and enabling, things will stay the same or get worse. Please read the other articles I have here, especially on how to deal with addiction in families. You have to do what is right and safe for you and your children.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  218. Cat,
    This may sound strange or cruel but he is doing you a favor. This behavior is purely from addiction and he is not in recovery. Drinking is just another addiction he replaced with the old one and another will pop up unless he goes for serious intensive help of HIS OWN WILL. Mourn him, give yourself time to heal and try to sort through the reasons you are not able to let go so that you can move on to a healthier you and a healthier life and hopefully a healthy relationship with someone else.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  219. Stacie,
    I write back to everyone here and rarely ever get a response back. It is slightly disheartening but being a co-addict myself, I understand that you have to be ready to hear the information and most people are not, they are just venting and trying to find a way to help their partner. I tell them how they should help themselves. Those who are ready contact me, those who are not, never respond to my comments. Unfortunately, a lot more never respond but I keep on writing hoping one day they will muster up the strength to care for themselves and do what they need to do to move on. You are in the beginning stages of your journey and things usually get worse from here so I won’t tell you what you don’t want to hear but I will suggest a few things; read the posts in this blog, read the other 35 articles I have written here and pick up my book, Hope Street, so that you can understand what may lie ahead. Your boyfriend is using again, sounds like crack, cocaine and possibly some opiates. Do not doubt yourself or allow him to tell you that you are crazy or not seeing things you are actually seeing. Addicts lie about everything! You have a choice right now to get on the merry-go-round of co-addiction or get off. Be informed before you make any decisions and learn from my experience, that is the sole reason I wrote Hope Street.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  220. Hi, I don’t know if you still will respond to this. The dates are pretty long ago. I want to give it a shot, I have no other choice. I have been with my fiance for a year and a half. We started dating when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was in a vulnerable state at that time. He just came back from a detox and had implants to block opiates. He convinced me he’s drug addiction was his past and I looked at him with great strength because I thought he conquered his demons. I was terribly wrong. He relapsed 6 months into the relationship. I gave him the ultimatum, to lose me forever or I will help you get clean. He didn’t want me to leave. I stood. It was a battle and we broke up for a short period because he addiction was worse than ever. He called me when he went to a detox and he sounded like the man I fell in love with. He was at that point homeless. I took him in. We decided to get pregnant. Now He got comfortable, which meant I was missing money all the time and my car was always gone for hours. I kicked him out. He went to rehabs. He never stayed, he told me he didn’t want to leave me alone pregnant. The stealing and lying continued. Only was it today, I found that he up his addiction to smoking crack. I cry every night. I want to leave but I’m stuck. I lost my family because I decided to be with him. I need your help. How do I leave ? I do i move on? Please help me.

  221. I have known this guy for going on 10 years. We have been the best of friends. In those 10 years I have watched him go in and out of rehabs in and out of jails until he finally thought he found the girl of his dreams. They married and few short months later get divorced all because he had a relapse. Now me and him have decided to try and be together and I know all about his past and how he can relapse. I have watched him go from being the best thing that ever happened to me into some complete stranger that I barely know. His whole family and all his friends have disowned him so I feel like im all the hope he has left. I just wished I could understand why when things get going bad he always goes back to using. And how do I help him without me getting hurt or me hurting him? I don’t know if rehab will help this time.

  222. Hi guys just wandering if you can offer any advice anything will help just feel really stuck at the moment. I have been with my partner for 9 years he is my first and only love and we have had 2 beautiful children together. Hes always smoked alot of weed and i got with him knowing this (stupid i know) but the past year hes got onto harder stuff crack cocaine and i just dont no what i can do he sells our stuff to buy hes stolen my wages off me and rent money everything you name it and still i continue to belive him when hes sorry and wont do it again! I dont no what it is! Everytime i tell my self get out and go but the next day i listen to him! Hes a brilliant dad and when hes not on it hes everything i want hes my partner and best friend rolled into one and i guess the reason i dont leave him is because i dont want to loose my bestfriend please any advice will be helpfull! 🙂 thanks x

  223. Hello I am I’ve been dating a man off & on for 3 yrs .. Every time we get close he moves in .. But always running from another relationship.. Anyways this time around when he moved in .. He became honest with me .. He admitted to being addicted to pills .. The last time we dated .. But now he’s on 100mi of methdome .. I tried to date him for a week .. But then told him me or your drugs .. He went cold turkey off methadome 30 days ago .. We got in a fight about him lying & cheating on me .. Anyways two days later he has now moved out & won’t return my calls & texts.. I have gotten mad ..But most of all blame myself for telling him I’m there for him but I feel like I have failed him .. I got angry let him move out & he’s now gone .. Feeling so alone .. Feeling all his feelings for me where lies .. He never stopped drinking the whole time he was cold turkey off methdome .. Told me he needed a crutch to help him threw his days .. I’ve been sober for over two years so it’s hard for me to understand alcohol.. Help me !! I need some support .. Thanks for listening

  224. I am not sure how or where to begin. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and we have an amazing relationship. We moved in together and are planning to get married in a couple of years. I guess I need to add that I am the reason we are waiting so long. I am scared of marriage. Anyway, when we started dating, my boyfriend was very upfront about his issues with drugs in the past. He told me everything and answered all of my questions. I was satisfied with his honestly and with his answers to my questions. Recently, however, I have been feeling like something was off. There were strange little things that I dismissed as being odd but not something to really worry about. Well, on Friday I started questioning things a little more and noticing more. On Friday night, my boyfriend started sneezing uncontrollably and his nose was running a lot more than normal. Ok, still not that odd, until I looked at his nose that night. I saw what I thought was cocaine on his nose. I wouldn’t have thought anything but that was his drug of choice in the past. Since Friday, his behavior has changed. On Monday, he called off work, something he would never do. I still didn’t think it was a huge deal, I was off and he wanted to spend the day with me. Monday night, his tooth hurt him so bad he almost cried and didn’t get very much sleep that night. He complained about it to me most of the day through texts while he was at work yesterday. However, he came home last night and was pain free and in an amazing almost euphoric mood. He was hyperactive, very talkative, fidgety (especially with his hands), and overly happy…singing and laughing at things he wouldn’t normally find funny. It was very strange. This morning was even more so. We get up every morning on the weekdays at 5:10am. He is a creature of habit. He hops up when the alarm goes off, yells at it, turns it off, and then runs around the house getting ready like a chicken with it’s head cut off. He then proceeds downstairs, grabs what he needs, and flies out the door. I wait for him outside in his car and we talk for a few minutes, he kissed me goodbye, says “I love you”, and leaves. Today it didn’t happen like that. when the alarm went off he didn’t move at all. I had to tell him to get up and turn off the alarm. I went downstairs and waited for him to come down. He finally made it downstairs with his pants unbuttoned and zipper down. I asked him about it and he told me that the pants didn’t fit anymore but oh well. This, in itself, is strange because he is very into his appearance. Then, as he was standing in the kitchen, he looked at me funny and said something I have never heard him say. He looked at me with the strangest look and said “What do I do next?” This scared me. I told him that he needed to grab his pens and his coat. That kick started him a bit and I went and got into the car, like normal. When he came out and asked me why I didn’t bring out his lunch I just told him that I was tired. That was a lie. I was so worried that I had forgotten. When he came out and sat in the car, he was almost lethargic. He couldn’t keep his eyes open and he was moving slowly. I asked him about it and told him that I was worried. I made him promise to call me when he got to work. He did just that, thank goodness. When he left for work I decided to go up and look in his closet where he has his laptop bag and briefcase. I am not sure why I did this or what I was looking for but I was horrified when I found what I found. I found cocaine paraphernalia (pipes, a plastic tube sort of thing with cocaine residue in it, etc) ok, this could be explained as things he had a long time ago but I found a butter knife that came in a set of butter knives that we got from my son when we moved into together. Now I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go from here, and I have no one I can confide in. I have never been in this situation before. Please help me. Thank you

  225. My heart can’t take anymore! Your addiction becomes my cross to bare. My tears are never known my voice is never heard and my heart is broken. I’m living with a ghost. He used to be alive. He could feel, give and receiving love. Oh I wish he were here to see his children grow but I’ll raise them and see what his dead eyes can’t.

  226. Angel,
    You are not stupid, if you are then all of us here are too. You are caught in a vicious cycle, the ups and downs, the drama, and the hope that the great guy you once loved can come back. We all wanted to get the person we fell in love with back, so that it not stupid at all! There will be a time though, where you will want to move on, not because you don’t love him or care but because you find that you are no longer the person you used to be and your life has become unmanageable dealing with this. This is where I can help. It is scary, sad, lonely, and heart wrentching to think about moving on but it can be done and there is a great life waiting for you, you just have to get through this part–the leaving. Please don’t give up, keep reading about this here and sharing.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  227. Hello,
    I enjoyed your article. I am deeply in love with my husband of 23 years. We are separated now because he overdosed and went to a treatment place but he recently checked out. He won’t talk to me, he’s not wanting to come home but we battle back and forth over he phone. It’s a game. I try to move on, but I continue to worry about him, I cry at night being alone and wish things were better. I miss him even though he treated me so horrible because of his addictions and I would get so angry. It’s just a mess. I’ve tried everything. I love him so much but I hate him too. I just can’t seem to let him go. Even though he hates me now I’d still be there when he calls but it’s like getting a snake bit. I pick up the snake and he bites me everytime leaving me crying. I’m getting to old for this and I keep thinking once he grows older he’ll calm down and want to stop but he hasn’t so far. Everyone of our friend and family can’t understand why I love him and keep taking him back and helping him. I’m so stupid because when I do he hurts me worse. HELP!!

  228. Sid,
    I am glad that these articles have been of help to you. I would really like you to focus on getting you back. I know what it feels like to want to die every day and help somebody that you love so deeply to see that they are destroying their life. Unfortunately you can only change yourself and hope to inspire the people around you. You have to be OK no matter what state he is in. There is hope, I have written my memoir, Hope Street, to help others learn from the experience that I had. Being a co – addict is something that we have to come to terms with.

    Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  229. Thank you Amanda for all of your articles they were great.when I’m going through your articles most of the time My life reflected to myself.im in relation with an addict for more than 6 years.every time he promises me something I totally trusted him with all my heart but all he does is break those promises nd it’s killing me deep inside I feel like I’m bleeding.he would blame me all time for the consequences he has to face.its too much of blame for me take.ive loved him in every possible way but all I get is the pain that I’m dying every second.please help me to get him back.hope to hear from you soon.thank you.

  230. KKL,
    You are not crazy, I have been through it all, 12 years of living with an addict, 6 married and one child. I could sit here and write back a diatribe to let you know I understand and that there is hope but I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, to help others. Please pick it up if you can the link to the book trailer is below. You will see you are not alone.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  231. Wow! Reading this article is insanely familiar. My boyfriend and I met at 20 and 22 and have been together for almost seven years now. We have almost two year old twin girls and I have a seven year old from a previous relationship. My son only knows my boyfriend as his father. Almost to a T our relationship is just like this article. I have been through so much. Tried everything, enabled, put my foot down, been in denial, hopeful, over it, done with him, lost our home, been put in very bad situations. He’s been an addict since I met him which of course just like in this article I didn’t know of first. My love for him played out just as which you’ve described here. He has been to jail about three times (one time for a year) and to rehab about 6 times for no longer than 3-4 months. Currently, over the summer he went to rehab again and left after 3 months and almost
    Immediately started doing dope again. It’s been 3 months now of him using and tonight he went back to detox and then to a two year rehab that he’s been to twice already. He is NOT a functioning addict! I know him like the back of my hand. I’m not naive to it anymore. I know when he’s lying, when he’s loaded, can tell by the way he breathes over the phone. I know he’s a master manipulator and just full of lies!!! He asked me tonight on his way to detox why do I want to still be with him? After all these years and all the pain and horrible things he’s done to me. At first like most times he has asked me this question, I was stumped and couldn’t even answer it in my head. But I quickly found the answer and my reply was Bc I love you like I’ve never loved anyone, I’m still hopeful, you’re the father of my kids and you’re the only person I want to be with, but I need you sober and to get help. I have told myself and him the last two times he’s gone to rehab that this is the last time doing this! That if he doesn’t get it right I have to move on. I notice each time I get stronger and put up with less when he relapses, but when will enough be enough? It is such a chance to take either way. I know ppl do recover from addiction, but the unknown of if he chooses sobriety and fully committs is so hard!!! I really don’t want to be with anyone else but him! He is my best friend. I just can’t give myself clarity of if sticking around a little longer is just completely insane!! I know to outsiders it definitely is, but I don’t listen to them bc of that reason! They have no clue!! I am living back at my moms with my three kids, back in college, can’t work to afford daycare for two plus my bills and am barely making it with no financial help from anyone but student loans! A huge part of why I’m afraid to finally let it go is the what if I leave and he does finally get clean and actually stays clean and meets and starts a family with someone else. I think that would KILL me after everything I’ve been through with him and stuck by his side through it ALL! It hurts not just for my heart but for my kids. i would completely feel used, unloved and not special to him and that hurts me so bad! I already feel used and unloved to a degree bc of the way his addiction sometimes makes him treat me. He can be verbally abusive and just mean when he doesn’t get his way! Worse than my 7 year old. Idk what to do anymore! I keep telling myself if he leaves rehab and starts up again j know I need to walk away, but by the time I get to the point of walking away he’s back trying to get sober and leaves me with some sort of hope. And right now with my being back in school and my hands so full with three kids I don’t even have time to fully move on or get out and do new things. It’s like I think well he’ll be in rehab and I’ll just be doing what I need to do but I won’t let myself really move on. Do I sound completely crazy???

  232. Hello, my husband is 13 years younger than me ,we been together 18 years. First 7 or 8 years were Google but now terrible.,was afew drinks then a few pils. Now I no he is big time drug and acholic. He has even told me I was so easy to manipulate that it was hard not to,, I be lived every thing he told me and now realize what a fool I been., I guest I was stupid but was fooled for a long time. Now my problem, I we’d home before met no prenuptial can’t live like this but he want leave says this his home tell me what to do please thank you

  233. Danielle,
    Do you think you should spend your life babysitting someone? The decline on meth can be very rapid so I would not wan to expose myself or my family to it and it is not your journey to take, it is his. Cutting ties is the only way because allowing him back home is like saying his meth use is okay. He has proven he is not ready to go into recovery and you need to make the committment that you are not ready to give up your entire life to watch him decline. It is scary but you will be okay if you can let him go. Letting him go means that your life is no longer dictated by his state of being. It is a difficult task but it is possible. That is why we are all here, that is why I wrote Hope Street and write articles on this blog.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  234. Hello I am 46 years old and have just kicked out my husband of 18 years for the third time due to addiction. Last year he revealed a 3 year norco addiction in June. I stool by his side held his hand through it all for him to then reveal a affair 2.5 years of the addiction and she was the big supplier. We separated and in October last year he begged to come home claiming he was clean and wanted his family back. I let him. By dec 30 of last year the same lies missing for long periods of time began to occur again, I asked him to leave. I then found out another girl came into the picture but worse than the first. We went out on disability and he progressively got worse. I had to obtain a restraining order. In February this year on my bday he took my truck completely destroyed it brought it home to me and pulled a knife on me. The cops came it took 4 cops to take him down with tazers. Immediately he started calling from jail apologizing crying and admitting all the wrong he did. He begged for rehab and help. I stood by his side but needless to say he walked away with a felony and a strike and lost an awesome job of 10 yrs making 27 an hour. In April he was released to a court ordered program for 6 months after 60 days they asked him to leave. I then entered him into the va hospital outpt program in July this year we spent hours at court and spent a large sum on fines and lawyers. Needless to say he with periodically have set backs was difficult to deal with in the program and then began providing tampered urine tests. All along he has been paranoid and believes there was a conspiracy againist him and that he was framed. He states the drugs were provided to him by local police departments and that the second girl was a set up in his life to defame his character. I put up for this for 4 months. Last weekend I could take no more and called the cops making him a 5150. He had not slept in days was extremely irritated and I just couldn’t stand by and fear his unpredictable behavior. While in the hospital I got many phones calls ranging from he dead to me, to he just wants to come home, how he doesn’t want to loose me, to how he’s ready to change. He was released Saturday I took his car and belongs to him he proceeded to tell me for the past four months he has done meth everyday and wanted to point out the good times we had I asked what his point was he stated see it’s all under control. He now is living with my stepson 26 and his mother in law from a previous marriage. My stepson will not stop helping him even though he is so upset with his father. The rest of the family has cut ties. I struggle daily because I miss the man I once was married to. Iam not happy when he’s here but I miss him so much when he’s gone. He has betrayed me in every way possible. It’s so hard to let go the man I knew years ago would have never done the things then that he’s done now. I find myself daily worrying or waiting for that one phone call to say he’s no longer alive. Iam frustrated all the effort and time I have invested for him to go right back to what screwed his life up last year. Iam tired worn out and crushed he continues to pick meth over his family. Sometimes I find myself reasoning with my self that maybe him being here is better so that at least someone’s babysitting him. Any advise? Iam so broken and hurt

  235. Katie, Leslie & Charlottes,

    I understand all of your feelings in fact I’ve had all of your feelings and then some. I met my ex-husband when I was 19 years old and we were together for 12 years, married for six and had a daughter together. I know how hard it is to walk away but if you are in a relationship where you know something is seriously wrong then you should go with your gut and stop trying to look at things the way you want them to be and instead look at them as they really are. If someone has a drug problem you cannot have a healthy relationship with them and trying will only cause you pain. When you try to have a relationship with someone who is an addict it says a lot about your state of health. I loved my ex-husband but his life and sobriety became more important than my own life and that is where I realized this was more about me and my issues than his issues. I became addicted to him and trying to help him so I could have the man back that I saw only in glimpses. The truth is he is and always was an addict and that was really who he was. I hope you get a chance to read my book, Hope Street, and the other articles I have written in this blog because I think it will really help you feel less alone and to be able to look at it from an outside perspective.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  236. I am stuck in a rut in my relationship and hope for change every day, problems…you name it, we’ve got it. I guess if I start from the beginning you can understand more and let me know if it’s me that’s the problem or do I need to walk away…
    So my boyfriend was with his ex for 2 years and she had a child with somebody previous to him but my boyfriend basically bought this child up with her for 2 years and took her on as his own (they don’t have any of there own children together) he is covered in tattoos of his exs name and date they got together and even her daughters name is on his chest bare in mind they split up 2 years ago so I don’t know why they haven’t been covered up by now, he was quite controlling when we first got together and I liked it because I liked that somebody cared about me that much to get jealous and want to spend all there time with me so I done everything he suggested was for the best, distanced myself from friends, devoted myself to him, got my implant out my arm (I’m 20 and he’s 27) I’ve been willing to give my entire life up for this man. I lost a baby 2 months ago and I’m now pregnant again and he’s just not following through with the promises he made, he doesn’t cheat or hit me but he doesn’t take me anywhere he doesn’t compliment me, he’s horrible to me, he never wants to spend time with me, he has no loyalty to me I don’t feel like he has my back at all, we argue every day, and he has now told me he’s got a drug problem, I’m having this persons child I feel like I’m trapped because I don’t want to be on my own with a baby and an abortion is not an option because I’m in love with this baby already, I feel like I’ve give my life up and have so much love respect and loyalty for him and not only is it not appreciated, it’s not returned, I don’t know what to do, will he change once the babies born? Or have I let him get away with too much? He goes out every other night with friends and takes drugs and is nasty to me and doesn’t have the time of day for me, and when I moan or nag he tells me to go out and get a life or see my own friends knowing I can’t do that because I have no friends because of him, I’m comparing myself to his ex and how he took her child on that wasn’t even his but I’m carrying his first baby and he tells me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him yet his actions say otherwise

  237. You just perfectly described the last 2 years of my life. He dumped me yesterday, and though I am shattered, that may be the only thing that saved me.

  238. HI HEARTBROKEN…your story is so similar to mine…as you will read from above..I too met a man a couple of months ago…talk about pure romance…It was everything I dreamt of and wanted….I knew that in the past he had been a cocaine addict but was off it…having no experience of drugs I assumed he was “cured” though the craving might be there I stupidly thought ah he’s got me know…We went for walks every weekend….did lovely romantic stuff..when he went home on a Monday he would phone and text me maybe 50 times a day telling me how much he loved me…how much he loved this lifestyle with me and how good I was for him…I had a wall up to protect me as I’d been hurt before….but I let the wall down and fell in love with him…then bam..about 6 weeks ago he start using again and boy did I see a difference..He became moody…paranoid..highly critical of everything. ..when he was with me at the weekends he wasn’t using and the loving man was there. ..but once he went home omg he changed..like you…He wouldn’t answer calls or texts though he was active on Facebook. .when I would get him he would be cold…then the weekend would come and he’d be back in my house…hugging me…loving me….We went out for a few drinks as you’ll see from my previous post and though he didn’t use he got hurtful and nasty….I argued back…next morning he was loving as usual….went home and again he ignored me for days…I apologised for my part in the row but he never did…..the next weekend we had my sisters wedding I told him not to come if it was over between us as it would be too hard for me…but he came so I assumed he wanted to make a go of it….We had a lovely morning before the wedding and lovely day….He left the wedding early..said he was going to my house as he wasn’t well…so I stayed for another 2 hours then headed home…He wasn’t there he had gone to another bar in the town…One where coke is freely sold….I don’t know if he got some but I suspect he did…when he got home he said some hurtful things to me…He fell asleep but in his sleep he held my hand and started saying he loved me..then cried in his sleep that he just wanted to go home…next morning he had no recollection..He told me again he loved me and wanted to be with me and needed to sort his head out..anyway we had a laugh…i hugged him told him lots of time i loved him he hugged me back said he loved me…left my house said hed see me next weeked.told my 18yr old daughter hed see her next weekend….then bam nothing no contact..ignored my calls and texts..finally got him on Wednesday and he told me we are finished now and he says he loves me but it’s for the best that I should walk away…I begged him not to finish with me…I tried everything….pathetic..told him how much I loved him..how I would support and help him blah blah….He got nasty again and told me to stop and walk away…..I cried for days….didn’t eat for days but guess what…..YES I LOVED HIM…YES I MISS HIM…. but I need to take the rose tinted glasses off now and see I miss the companionship…I miss the hugs and the daily declarations of love. ..but at the back of it..even when he wasn’t using he could turn moody and paranoid within minutes then back to the man I loved…when he start using hell the roller coaster was out of control….give yourself time to grieve and get strength to walk away….I am finding it hard…I’m stalking his Facebook page every half hour looking at Al the photos he has up of our amazing time together and clinging on to the hope that the man I loved will look at his photos and want me back….I need to get realistic and see that’s not going to happen. ..I wish you all the best and hope we both find strength to walk away….We both know it’s the right thing to do for ourselves we just need to take the rose tinted glasses off xxxxxxxxx

  239. I am so grateful to have found this blog .. I don’t feel alone . Quick version of my situation.. I started dating a man a few months ago who swept me off my feet. He made me feel like a princess . I thought it was too good to be true . Always wining and dining me . As time went on I had my suspicions of possible cocaine use but thought Looked the other way . I haven’t been around drug users in many many years . My trust in him started to decline . He would disappear . Stated off for hours and sometimes lead to a day or two. I saw a text message that referred to it ” snowing ” so my suspicions were becoming valid. A few days later I brought up in a conversation how I was against drugs and he flipped on me .. Made me feel like how dare you imply something so stupid .. He disappeared for 2 days .. I kept reaching out to him even apologizing . I questioned my own sanity . Our relationship was like a roller coaster .. When we were together it as good but when we weren’t physically together it was different . He was always not available . Needless to say his behavior was changing and I think he thought I was figuring things out . Let me explain that I don’t thing he uses Coke as recreation. I believe he used it almost Ina daily basis . I can see a difference in his behavior . We spoke Monday night last week after he was shady all weekend.. He got upset about something minuscule and I never heard form him again. My birthday was 2 days later and I did not hear from him . He completely vanished . I know he’s not dead or in jail because I see him online an Facebook . I have texted him repeatedly and he continues to just ignore me . It’s like jeckle and Hyde .. Nothing makes sense to me and the fact that he just disappeared on the woman he claimed he loved just breaks my heart . Is this normal textbook behavior of an addict ? Will I ever here from him again ? I know he loves me . Unjust feel that he couldn’t keep up this other persona of who he wasn’t . I even said on my messages that o know what’s going on and I still here for you .. But nothing

  240. Katie,
    These events and his behavior are serious warning signs. This man is an addict and he is not ready to be in a relationship. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an active addict. There is a difference between being in recovery and just abstaining from drugs. Unless an addict has complete awareness that staying sober is a complete lifestyle change, they are not in recovery. I too, thought it was okay to have drinks with my boyfriend, even though he stopped using cocaine but this sent me down a long path of living my life according to the addict. Please keep reading my other articles here and pick up my book, Hope Street, about my journey with an addict. You need to understand what lies ahead.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    view the video trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  241. Hi there my first marriage broke up 8 years ago….7 months ago I met a lovely guy…We spent every weekend together doing stuff like going for walks, going bowling, fishing….total romance…He loved coming down to my place every weekend (we live about 60k away from each other) He told me from the beginning that he was (in the past) a cocaine addict but the life he was having with me was all he wanted….He wasn’t using during those months and everything was wonderful. He would tell me hundreds of times throughout the day how he loved me and how happy he was with me. Then about 6 weeks ago something changed…We fought constantly. ..I now know he was back on coke…He dumped me telling me I was too good for him, he’d only hurt and let me down…He still loved me. He has told me the time with me was the best of his life and he was never happier. …He doesn’t want the coke life and needs to sort out his demons….I have told him I love him so much and will support him…He has come down to me the past two weeks and during the day the lovely man I met is there but on both weekends we went out for a few drinks…The first weekend he got paranoid at the end of a lovely night and told me to go on back to my ex..We had an amazing row and I was particularly nasty to him about his ex..His friends and his past…next morning he was fine with me…loving….when he went back to his home that evening and all last week he was horrendously distant (I know he wasn’t using)…I gave him every opportunity not to come to my sisters wedding last weekend but despite the fact that he says it’s over between us he wanted to come…The morning of the wedding was lovely…again like the beginning. ..but that evening he turned nasty again….telling me I made him sick…He couldn’t have sex with me blah blah…next morning again he was all apologetic…told me again he loves me…If he had a hammer he would hit himself in the head to knock some sense into himself. …says he needs time to sort his head out…..someone please help me…I love this man

  242. Rachel,
    I have been exactly where you are so no judgements here. But you also need to hear the truth and what life could have in Store for you if you stay. Addiction is strong and if you are not prepared you will keep going back for more. Please pick up my book, Hope Street, you will really feel understood.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  243. Hello,
    I’m 18. My senior year of highschool I met a boy, and we fell madly in love. He was open with me before hand about his past experience with drug addiction, but made it seem like he had his situation under control. I’m very familiar with the disease, as I am a Psychology major and have written research papers regarding this particular topic. He was clean for a while, and the beginning of our relationship was great, he hit a rough patch in life and started using again without anyone knowing, I suspected but never said a word to him. Before we went away to west virgina for a music festival, he told me he was using again, he told me because he wanted to stop and needed my help. I love him with all of my heart and we have been together for over a year now. I never thought such a beautiful human being could walk into my life. He has the most kind soul and caring heart, but this devil and disease is beginning to make frequent visits in our life. I watched him go through withdraw, it was the worst thing anyone can witness the person they love go through besides a terminal illness. He was clean for months, recently he has lost his job, attempted to find a new one and could not. He felt hopeless and unwanted, I guess that’s what lead him to again confide in heroin as a retreat from life. Again I suspected and asked questions, but this time out of shame he started lying and even stole a very small sum of money from me. I told him that I don’t think I can be with a person who cannot hold their own life together, as I have mine to look forward to. This was a week ago, a few days later we went to a concert together with my family, and the next day went to his house. He told me he needed to talk to me. He was hiding his drug abuse from his family and me (though I knew) and had told me that he decided that he wanted to get clean. He checked himself into rehab yesterday, and we don’t know how long he will be gone for. My parents suspected his drug use also, but I never gave them a direct answer, I haven’t told anyone that he is going to be away for a while, and do not want to. He’s very close with my family and treats me the way any woman would want to be treated. He is so smart, so kind, and so beautiful a soul. He’s been on and off drugs since he was 16, again he informed me before we started dating. I have so much compassion for him and I pray that he is able to over come this disease. I may be naïve for getting myself involved with someone with such a rocky history, but minus his drug abuse he is the most amazing person I have ever met. All of my friends adore him, and my parents loved him before he started falling back into it again.
    Minus the fact that he took not even $40 from me before, he has never done anything to harm me.
    He wants to get better, both times he asked for help he did so on his own accord, and now he has checked himself into rehab. His mother told me she forced him to go two different times and that he has finally started to take responsibility for his problem. He never wanted to get better before, and she believes that it is because of his love for me and the fact that he does want a future with me, one that isn’t consumed with addiction.
    The town he lives him is far from the happy-side, many of his former friends are addicts, a few have come and gone in his life since I’ve been here. Most of the time to ask him for help. When he is high it isn’t my boyfriend anymore, it’s a hollow shell of what he first was.
    I’m well aware that addiction often go hand-in-hand, his family history is riddled with addiction, and his father suffers from severe depression. Before he left he sat down with his mom and deleted any contact he had to heroin, and that gives me some type of hope.
    I feel that his journey to recovery has just begun, and that he is very well aware that this will not be an easy road to flow upon, but I have faith. I may be naïve, stupid even, but I’ve seen his true self, I know who he is, and he is not an addict at heart. He wants to be clean, but his environment around him sets so many obstacles in place. We leave about a half-hour from one another, but see each other more often than you’d suppose.
    He goes through binge stages, and most of the time resorts to use as a coping mechanism, I want to help him be the person he wants to, but I don’t know how to help.
    Please, if there is anyone whose situation is as similar as mine, I am begging you to give me some type of insight. I love this man more than any words can say.

    I feel that the only way I can help him is to up and leave the state, go somewhere beautiful and restart our lives. Again, I’m well aware this is naïve, and that I do not have the resources to do so, but I am not ready to give up hope.

  244. Ashley,
    I think you know you need this to end. Sometimes what we try holding onto the most is the exact thing we need to let go. Letting go is not easy though I know. I went back for more for 12 years. I know the cycle. However, this really is more about you then him. He does something for you or creates some type of drama that you need and the truth is that you have to figure that out for yourself. You won’t be able to be a mother or a person again until you cut all ties but you have to really be ready. You can do it if you set your mind to. You need to stop all contact first and no exceptions and then find a therapist to help you through this and get you out of your depression. You have to do the work but in the end you will be whole again and reunited with your children and be the mother they need.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  245. I am so lost, I got out of a relationship with one drug addict and got into one with another why is this happening to me, I am not an addict, I do not drink or smoke? Why am I falling in love with addicts? I have known this man a long time, I am 30 and he is 47! He was amazing, I fell hard, I never thought I would fall for him but we were friends for years and then it happened. I had been out of a relationship over a year, I was fixing my house had a good job was becoming a better mom everyday because i felt like a horrible mother from the previous man, i allowed him to take my time up and was not able to focus on my kids. So i start seeing this new guy, people at my job tell me i am different he is changing me, that hes controlling me, i dont see it….. i eventually loose my job, i am pregnant with his baby and i am scared because i am having to trust him to take care of us and he already has proven he does not want to take us on fully. He did not let me know about a drug addiction by the way, at this point ive got no clue whats going on, he gets mad, like i see an evil person in him and i am scared thinking he is going to kill me. but as you say this good man that i started out seeing comes into action every so often that i can not walk away. my baby is a year and a half and i still battle this with him, he lives near me but not in the same house, he uses me and makes me feel awful he has robbed me of all life and personality and stolen my childrens mother, they ask me all the time why arent you happy why wont you go do things with us, I can not explain it, i just have nothing in me, i have let my kids stay with my mother because i am not able to take care of them i am mentally unstable at this point and can not figure out how to get back on my feet, everytime i am moving forward and good things are happening here he comes to destroy them but why do i crave him soo much i never was like this with anyone i know i am fully able to make it on my own i enjoyed being single i was pretty and took care of my self and worked had my own money paid my bills, by the way i have lost my car and license because of him, and i still can not let him go but he wont let me go either, i am not sure why, because i have nothing left to offer him. help me to see what i need to see to get away or move forward i can not figure it out

  246. Sarah, J, Rebecca and Khloe,
    Please first understand that an addict will lie and manipulate you with not recourse. They do whatever they need to in order to keep you and keep using. Once you realize that you will know that words mean nothing. Khloe, if your boyfriend is living with an addict and your gut believes he is probably using, he is. The addict will play on your emotions in order to get you to believe that you are crazy and not him. This is a merry-go-round and you have to get off so you can look at things through a different lens. Has anything really changed all of this time or do you feel like things just go back and forth and you find yourself all the way back where you started. An addict will keep on doing this to you for as long as you allow it, make false promises, feeble attempts at sobriety and this is something that only you can STOP. You have to be the one to make the changes. There is hope. Please keep reading the other articles I have written here and pick up Hope Street.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict.
    View the video trailer https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg

  247. Hello, I’m 20 years old .. I’m not sure exactly what to say I just want some advice I guess its hard to talk to any of my family because they are kinda judgy but they just want what’s best for me. The guy I’m so in love with we started dating when I was 17 and he was 19 . Come this Saturday it will be our 3 year anniversary. We also have a beautiful 14 month old son that’s my world. When I firsted started dating him I need I noticed that he drank a lot and he done pills and smoked pot. I didn’t think much about it, just that he was having fun. Eventually we rented our first house together with one of his friends it was horriable he changed so much starting smoking crack and doing pills just getting into trouble. I literally gave up a good life to be with him I dropped out of high school my parents took my new car back cause I left with him so we moved in with my sister and he ended up going to jail and I sold all my expensive stuff to bail him out .. We eventually got a 1 bedroom apartment which was even more horriable our neighbors partied a lot so we did to we starting doing coke together and pills and drinking. Then he started doing illegal stuff … And we go off and smoke crack the 2nd place I moved to was when I realized that he was smoking that and .. He ended up cheating on me .. And I stayed cause I loved him.. Then we got evicted from our apartment and moved in with a friend which was also horrible we both just skipped from place to place … The day I changed was when I found out I was pregnant I quit drugs I’m still clean. My boyfriend that I love with all my heart has walked out on me left me crying, sick, and worried. I knew he was addicted to alchol and pills when we moved into our 2nd apartment while I was 7 months pregnant the first day we moved in his friend came over and I begged him and cried for him not to go out he walked out and left I stayed up all night so worried then the next morning I get a call that he is in jail under a $45,000 bond long story short.. He has been arrested many times since we’ve been together. He ended up get fired from 2 jobs, sold our car and blew the money we got evicted from our apartment we lost everything to his addiction. He won’t go to rehab. But now that we live separate but we are still together he swears up and down that he doesn’t do any pills or nothing .. But its so hard too believe because he lives with a guy that does drugs. My question is should I just stop worrying and believe him???? I don’t want to be fooled again

  248. This article hit home. It is as if you are talking about my life. I went through each of it and continue to allow it. Why? Because I am in love with the man behind the drug. I want him back. Just like you mention in this article, I catch glimpses of that man. I put up with the bull shit (relapse, lies and drama) just to be around for the glimpses. They are powerful! I have been through many relationships and this man is by far the one who gets me “the real me”. He is my best friend. My partner in crime. My best lover, my best love. I can not bring myself to leave….”For better or for worst”. He is currently in a rehabilitation program. Not his first time around and it might not be his last. Sounds crazy, i know. In case you all are wondering. I am not a drug user.

  249. I am 24 years old and a college student. My bf is 24 years old, and a heroin addict. We have been together for 2.5 years but we have been very close friends since we were 16 years old. It wasn’t until January of this year that I came to terms with my bfs addiction. We have lived together for the past 2 years and it was obvious something was going on but I didn’t want to accept it. He would stay out late every night, nod out once he came home, he never put money into the house and we were ultimately evicted. He went into rehab for the first time February of this year and he completed a 30 day program. during his time away, I had secured a second home for us. He relapsed soon after discharge. He submitted himself for detox 2 weeks ago after totaling my car. He said he noticed and accepted that his life was unmanageable while using H. I had never heard him talk the way in which he did this time around so I felt this was it! fast forward to 2 weeks post discharge, its his pay day, he comes home high. He insists he hasn’t used all night long but I know he has. I found the paraphernalia which ofcourse he denied denied denied. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to believe. He is so manipulating. I felt we had made a breakthrough this time around. Do you think we have? Do you think this was just a hiccup? if so, why didn’t he just admit it so we could get past it and work on the actual problem? Do you think he needs inpatient treatment? He’s supposed to be doing IOP and counseling since discharge from detox but he hasn’t started neither. Also, I feel that marijuana use this past week led to him using. He insisted that smoking marijuana would have no effect on his sobriety from H however as soon as he began using marijuana, 3 days later he uses H. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave but im really feeling hopeless. I deserve so much better.

  250. I’ve been with my boyfriend just over 6 years. Through the last 6 years I’ve seen him high, coming down, withdrawls, attempt rehab, methadone clinics and more. It always seems as one evil goes away there is another coming in, for him ad the drugs leave the alcohol comes. He has defiantly come aong way over the last year. He is in a clinic he goes tondaily, has his licence back, and a full time job. However, he has started drinking…my family has taken notice to the behavior and personality changes. My mom pretty much yelled at me telling me I need to leave him, sell my home and move back home with her. My dad keeps telling me I can do better. I know deep down I was raised better than this, but why is it so hard to overcome? I love him very much, but he loves me, only me and does not want anything to do with my friends or family. Everyone seems to hate him. But it is so hard for me to battle with myself, why can’t he just get on his feet like he was when we met and be the person he used to be? I keep trying to bring him back but doesn’t seem to work. Breaks my heart the thought of leaving but I don’t know what to do my friends and family are my rock.

  251. Tammy,
    Please seek help and support. This is not a good situation for your health. At 18 you should be having very different issues and what you are facing is not your addiction. He needs to deal with himself and you cannot fix him. Please pick up my book, Hope Street. I was 19 when I met my 23 year old addict boyfriend. This is my memoir of 12 years living with addiction. It will help you.
    We tried to outsource an instructor and we could not find one, however, we had this issue last year and I asked we take surf out and only do SUP. Please refund them or if they decide to do SUP we can accommodate them.

    Amanda Andruzzi, Hope Street

  252. Hi. I’ve been dealing with my boyfriends addiction for about 2 years now. It started out great. Then I slowly learned he was a heroin addict. Im only 18 years old and he is 22. Hes been very open (too open) with his drugs. I think he thought that if he was open abput the drugs then it would make it okay. I’ve seen everything about it. The drug deals. The needles. The nodding out. My friend and family tried to pull me out of it but I thought I could help him. They’ve stopped trying and I’ve lost them because I keep going back. He is very controlling and manipulative. I left him for a couple weeks then decided to come back. He has been telling me that he’s been clean since I left. But what I’ve found is trusting him is even harder than dealing with it. He tells me he’s going to the store and I think he’s going to use. I’ve caught him in lies still since he says he’s been sober. Im going crazy not knowing what to believe. Hes still borrowing money from people but telling me its for other things. I just dont know what to do or how to “give him a break”.

  253. Amanda,
    There is hope. You have a beautiful life ahead of you. I was exactly where you are and I decided to make a change. See, you can’t fix him or wait for him to change, you have to make changes. PLease pick up my book, Hope Street, it is my memoir of my 12 year struggle married to an addict with our child. I want you to feel you are not alone and see firsthand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict.
    View the video trailer https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg

  254. Tiffany,
    That is his journey and you must take your journey. You cannot be with an addict and have a fulfilling relationship. You should focus on you and try to get yourself in a good place. Being positive and learning about why this is happening to you is work you need to do. Start by getting some support, church, al-anon, therapy and friends and family.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  255. Jill,
    You are amazing and keep going in the direction you are headed. You are doing the work and this is not easy but it won’t get done if you don’t take responsibility for you. You are in a much better place and I want you to run with it. Negative thoughts may always come up to try to pull you back in but now is the time to be happy and positive and move on. Thank you so much for your comments. Please keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  256. I am in love with a cocaine addict. I left him last year in July but i know that I’m still in love with him. I cry some times and i still look for the hand of God tho deliver him believing that he will be my husband

  257. I have recently left a 4 year relationship with a functioning addict. I knew he had addictions in his past when I met him, but I instantly fell head over heals in love, I had never felt anything like that up to that point in my life. He was handsome, charistmatic, romantic, sweet…everything I ever wanted. All of the stages in the above blog, I totally went through. But slowly over the next few years as his addiction continued to rear it’s ugly head, life slowly became a nightmare. I am a co-addict, I am most definatley addicted to my addict…but I didn’t realize this fact until I actually left, did research, started Al-Anon. I had to step outside of my situation and look in and I didn’t like what I saw. It was heartbreaking to actually move out, I felt like dieing, I would lie in bed for hours, crying in my new little apt that I absolutely hated while he continued to do drugs in what used to be our home. It was the worst experience of grief I have ever gone through..the grief at times so intense I literally felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest. but I suffered it out with the help of friends, family, support groups such as Al-Anon and Amanda’s book! It’s now been 2 months since i left and my addict is still in my life, but only as I choose him to be, I am still working on letting him go and I know that will come in time, I feel stronger every day. I too am trying to overcome an addiction, that addiction being him…it’s not easy to say the least. I imagine all the time what my life will be like with someone who isn’t addicted although it’s hard to imagine my future without my addicit, but I have to because it’s what keeps me going…hope for the future and to be happy I have realized during this journey that coming from a dysfunctional childhood, I am comfortable with this drama and dysfunction, it’s “normal” to me. Also because of the fact that as a child I had no control, no security, no love, I am constantly trying to create that with the men in my life…being with an addict is perfect as you are always trying to “control” the situation, always trying to take care of them and fix them, it’s what we know. but I came to realize that i cannot control or fix this and by trying to control this I am destroying myself. But I do feel like if i had never been down this dark road with my addict, maybe I would never have learned these things about my self finally, and work on fixing them. Again I loved your book Amanda, it gave me hope as I was going through my darkest times. It was sometimes a tough read as I felt like I was reading my own story, but somehow it helped me through that really difficult period of loss, I would recommend anyone with an addict in their lives read this book. Thank You 🙂

  258. hopelessly addicted,
    this man is the least of your problems. you have an addiction and a drug problem that you need to address first and foremost. Being away from him will not kill you but shooting crack and heroine will. Please try not to take the focus off of you and put it on him. Right now, you need to worry about getting into a real recovery program, getting clean and then getting help for your mind and your body so that you do not feel compelled to use again. You may have serious underlying issues, like you mentioned in the beginning of your writing and you must address this so that you are not using drugs to deal with things. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  259. Hello. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. Im 28 and he is 30, When we were younger we both usesd to do drugs but as soon as i graduated I stopped and thought he did too. We have 2 beautiful girls, he has a great job and we have a beautiful home. Just a few months ago I learned that he was been a drug addict this whole time. I started noticing sores on his face and arms, he wasnt eating or sleeping ever. Everytime i talk about it he gets very angry then tells me he was a addictive personality and he can not help doing drugs. His work environment is the reason why he does it so much, he cant say no. I been fighting depression and Im very short tempered with my kids and that is not fair to them. Im scared if I leave him he will get worse, lose his job, or even overdose. I dont know what to do! I love him so much and dont want to be without him but I dont know if i can continue to live the way I am. He is usually not mean unless he is coming off it and gets aggravated. He misses one day a week at work because he crashes cause hes been up for 3 days. So i am afraid he will lose his job because of it which he says it doesnt affect any part of his life. How can drugs not affect your life. I am torn and hurting please help me

  260. Hi. I am in a rough spot right now and I don’t think I ever have felt more alone than I do at this moment. I’m 28 and have battled a mood disorder, eating disorder and substance abuse my whole life. A few years ago a good friend of mine died in a car accident and I went into a drug abuse outpatient program and started going to meetings as well as individual therapy. Things were ok and I had been sober for 6 months although it was only from drinking I was still using cocaine and other substances here and there. A man I have known since kindergarten asked me to hangout after seeing me on match.com so I ended up messaging him back and asking him to go fishing one day. Well on that first date I drank almost a bottle of Jameson and we talked about how we both liked to party and got some dope. I had blown it before a few times and we split a bag and I ended up nodding out while driving and he had to pick me up and get in the drivers side and take us home. I had been warned about him by a friend who told me she thought we would be trouble for eachother. Whether she knew he was a serious heroin addict at the time or not it wasn’t long before we blew through 7 grand I had saved that summer to move and I also had developed a full blown iv heroin problem. We had no money. We looked awful and I was constantly sick. Not only were we doing dope all the time we also were shooting crack, coke, speed and ketamine though we only did that once. We started dating in June and got engaged in september. By October we were both in a detox program which we stayed in for two weeks. Within a week of being home we were shooting it everyday again. I wish I could say it was terrible but honestly we had a lot of fun. We would stay up and talk all night and lay under the stars and he knew everything about me and he would open up to me as well. He told me things noone knew about him and I understood why he did drugs there was so much pain in his past. I don’t know if I thought I could fix him or that our mutual dysfunction could somehow change us into this amazing power couple. Regardless of what I imagined would turn into this fantasy life for the two of us thats not what happened. We ended up moving in together and most of the time I was the only one working. Not to say he didn’t try to work but with no license and his reputation it was hard for him to find good work. One job he did have he left because I convinced him it wasn’t a good idea to be around people still partying all the time. In January 2015 we got into a methadone clinic and that’s when we started shooting crack like crazy. I would do it in my neck and I can’t tell you how many misses we had where my face went numb and I laid in bed thinking I was going to die. I started to question how someone could love me if they introduced me to the needle like that. He would often tell me he was sorry for ruining my life but I always believed him when he told me he loved me. I thought he was my soulmate and together our love would overcome everything together. Well things didn’t work out that way. I started taking his ring off all the time and eventually moved out and got my own place. We didn’t really talk for a month or so then the other night we were shooting coke and he was stealing it from me when I’d leave the room. I ended up calling him out and he punched me in the jaw and starting trying to choke me so I left. He called me every nasty name he could think of that night. Some of his stuff was in my car that he needed so he told me if I didn’t return it he’d post pictures of me he had taken so everyone knows how big of a whore I am. So now I have left a man who did nothing but use and manipulate me and yet I blindly stood by him, enabled him and defended him. I stopped talking to friends and family for a man who dropped me as soon as I stopped buying drugs. We can’t hangout without fighting and now he works as a commercial fisherman and has access to loads of drugs and money. As awful as he was to me I still worry and cry over him all the time. I know somewhere in there is a good man I’ve seen it but he doesn’t and I am addicted to him the way he is to drugs. So now I can’t hold food down I’m throwing up blood and I’m so stressed I can’t function. I just don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I should hate him for getting me hooked on this stuff and the fact that I’m now in a methadone clinic devastates me so I try not to dwell on it. I came across this blog and thought at least someone may understand so that’s my story thank you for letting me vent and share my experience. Maybe you or someone else on here have some words of wisdom or can relate. Maybe this will help you walk away from someone when it seems like doing so will kill you. Regardless it sucks to feel alone and taken advantage of and I would like to believe he didn’t choose drugs over me and he didn’t have a choice but somehow that doesn’t fill the gaping hole he left in my heart and life.

  261. Confused,
    You are in a tough position. I know, I have been there. Sometimes things get rough but that does not mean that you give up on the person you love. However, you have to create some boundaries and decide when enough is enough. He needs to be aware of what you need from him and if he does not do those things then you need to stick to what you said and not back down. Unfortunately, I think it is not in his or your best interest for him to do this alone. Addicts need a lot more than will power and usually can stop for periods of time (their will is strong) but end up back where they started if they do not get the right help and if they do not stop because they decided they needed to. I hope you read the other articles here, click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of the other articles will come up. I lived with and married an addict, we had one child and were together for 12 years. You are not alone in your feelings.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  262. Wow where so I begin. I’ve been in live with my husband for eleven years. We will be married five years in two weeks and we have two beautiful children together. We’ve been through a lot together and drugs was something I never thought we would have to deal with. Five days ago I got a call from a man telling me my husband had an affair with his girlfriend. When I first asked him about it he denied and then the truth all started to come out. My husband had been addicted to drugs for at least a year and I had no clue. During his addiction he became paranoid working out of town thinking I was cheating on him so started an emotional affair. He woke up one day with the woman in his bed and didn’t know what had happened so he took more drugs. Everyone he felt guilt he took more drugs and as he took more drugs he continued the affair. He had an affair with her for three months before he realized soon he would be home and it couldn’t continue. He knew what he was doing was wrong so he ended it but he took more drugs. I was completely oblivious to everything he was taking mdma and cocaine on a regular basis. A month ago I had a miscarriage and his addiction spiraled out of control he was doing 2 grams of cocaine a day and I still didn’t know. I found out he had a three month affair that ended five months ago and he’s addicted to drugs and I still love him unconditionally. He hasn’t had drugs in four days now as he wants to get clean. He made me order at home urine kits and is planning on taking one every three days in front of me to prove he’s not using. I can forgive him and will stay with him if he can stay clean. I will have a hard time trusting him again but I love home more than anyone could imagine. Am I being dilusional thinking he could actually stay clean for himself, our kids, and me. Can he be faithful for the rest of our lives even though I’ve forgiven him for this transgression or am I letting him know I’ll love him no matter what. He’s baffled by my support and we’ve had endless conversations over the past four days and he has been brutally honest about his addiction and affair. He’s told me things I wouldn’t want to know but need to. I’m scared because if I hadn’t gotten the call about the affair I wouldn’t know about the addiction and I don’t want him to let it take over his life again.

  263. Confused,
    Do not give up your life or your job. You cannot watch an addict clean. You cannot fix or help cure and addict and by watching him you are only going to end up hurting yourself. There is hope and that is why I write these articles and spend a great deal of time helping others with what I have learned being married to an addict. If you can pick up Hope Street, it is my memoir of my life married to an addict. Perhaps you will not only feel understood but you will also gain a valuable glimpse of your life in the future if things don’t change.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  264. Kristen,
    You have every right to be frustrated and devastated. I would recommend getting some help for you. I have been right where you are, with an addict for 12 years, married for 6 and we had a child. I write these articles and blog to help other women and to let them know there is hope. Hope Street is my memoir of my experience with an addict. I would recommend reading the other articles I have written here, click on my name at the top and they will all come up. I hope you find the answers you are looking for but understand that addicts lie and this is part of the addictive cycle. You need to know more so you do not continue the cycle or enable his addiction. Keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  265. Nettie,
    Try a local support group at a community center, google support online and also al-anon is a great resource. If you need to take the focus off of him and want to focus on you, then I would also look into finding a therapist that specializes in helping the families of addiction. Start here, check out the rest of the articles I have written here.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  266. hello, my fiancé is a drug (cocaine to be exact) addict. he’s been a drug addict for about 4 years and it just gets worst. He does it by himself, at home. everytime he would get so paranoid and hallucinate, see things, imagine weird things. looking at him scares me. It came to the point where he would do it whenever he can, when I am not around (usually during the day when i’m at work – then when i come home i can see that he’s high). I am debating if I Should quit my full time job to watch him 24/7? He really wants to quit and he does try, but it doesn’t seem to work for some reason – he would always go back after few days rest. I think with someone watching him and encouraging him and do activities with him, he won’t feel the urge.. he is self employed so he doesn’t have to work and he said he does it because he’s ‘bored’… I love my job, it is my life, but he is more important. If I quit my job, I am still able to live, we have enough saved. It is just temporary until he recovers. But I am debating not because of money, but because, what if he doesn’t recover? what if he’s just the same? then I quit for nothing? i risk my future for nothing?

    My other option is to leave him forever. Although it hurts, I cannot see him like this, it’s been 4 years and I am exhausted. I am sick of all the lies he tells me, all the promises, all the apologies. I can see it through him everytime he lies. it hurts becasue trust is hard to build and he is not making it easy for me. i tried to let it go and try to trust him again every time, but he He made promises to me that he will quit. HE even swore on our relationship if he ever touches again, we will break up forever. I feel like I don’t mean anything to him. Our relationship doesn’t mean anything to him. I feel like if I stayed, he won’t be better. We have separated several times because of this… but I feel like I need to break the pattern in order for him to recover, by leaving him forever…

    I don’t know what to do. i love him so much and i would do anything for him to be sober and live a healthy and happy life.. i am looking at him everyday and seeing that he is slowly killing himself and it’s a ticking timebomb.. im scared. i dont want to lose him but at the same time i can’t do anything to help. we are getting married next year and i know for a fact i don’t want to marry an addict.. if he doesnt get sober then we have to break up (he knew about this).. i know an addict’s mind are different and the things they do they can’t control. i know he loves me alot, but he can’t help himself either.

  267. I’m 31 years old and have a successful career in the federal government. I was engaged to the love of my life when he got caught by an undercover cop selling ridalin. They arrested him but since it was a first time offense they cut him a deal and told him that in exchange for jail time he could serve as a confidential informant. He cooperated and helped get a few guys arrested and the cops eventually just disappeared and left him alone. When this happened I immediately broke off the engagement. I couldn’t risk my own safety while he was working undercover. Almost a whole year later we are now back together and everything has been amazing until today. He was in an appointment and I was waiting for him in his car,. I found a new empty needle case between the console and my seat.. I was devastated and terrified, my head is still spinning. I asked him about it and after an hour of ridiculous stories (it wasn’t his, it was his, it was used for a vitamin deficiency, and steroid use) he finally came clean and told me he had cooked oxy and injected it yesterday. He was very defensive and tried to say that I shouldn’t have been snooping around in his car and that he never wanted me to find out about it bc he was going to try and get help on his own terms. He has been seeing an addiction Specialist and called her tonight to let her know he relapsed. I asked him to take a drug test just bc I wanted to confirm for real that it was oxy. He took it and complied without any issues. I told him that we should go to couples counseling bc I just am really hurt by his lying. But I feel like one time out of eight months really isn’t too awful and the fact that he’s been so quick to see his doctor (on the phone with her now) and been willing to get help makes me believe that perhaps together he can turn the corner. He’s on suboxone now but has had issues over using it. Not so good either. I really really love him. We’ve been together for five years and after leaving him once for this I just don’t feel like leaving him is the right thing to do. I don’t know what to do other than hope that this doctor he sees will help him. Am I doing the right thing here? I don’t want to be an enabler but I also want to see him get better. Please help. I’ve spent all day devastated.

  268. I briefly dated a guy that told me he was on oxycodone and while I liked him, I knew that dealing with a drug addiction was WAYYY beyond what I wanted and what I could deal with. I told him that he needed to get help first and get clean and then we could start talking again. I don’t care how much I love that person, I will NOT be with someone who uses drugs! What happens if one day we have a family and he ODs and leaves me a single mother who has to provide for the kids? i couldn’t deal with it. I walk if I know a man smokes cigarettes or does drugs. If he’s a heavy drinker I also walk. Just not willing to put up with that.

  269. Where do I need to go for help…I know that the situation is bad…I’m so afraid that one day I will get bad news that he’s dead…I really want to leave, however my heart aches for him to get better.

  270. Erika,
    It sounds like there is more than meets the eye here. It is extremely difficult to inject heroin, stop and be just fine. An addict will lie and not tell you the whole truth so I would be weary of the fact that these are just short episodes. With that being said, you should understand that this can be a lifelong struggle for you and you should know that going in. You will never trust him, unless he is really in recovery and doing the right thing and you know it, and even then it is hard to trust.
    I was in love and married to an addict for 12 years and we had a child. There is hope and that is what this site is about, that is what my book is about. Hope Street is my memoir of living with and loving and addict.
    My general advice would be to learn more about addiction, about addicts, and about co-addiction, so you can at least make some educated decisions.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  271. Hi Amanda,
    I started dating this amazing guy approximately 3 years ago. We had discussed that one time in his past (many years ago) he had become addicted to Oxy. From what I was told, he was crushing and snorting them and he eventually kicked the habit himself. I didn’t really think much of it. I was curious but I was confident he was above it now and I wasn’t worried.
    This November, I found out he had started to inject opiates. He told me it was cheaper to buy the pills to inject than snort. I was obviously devastated. I decided to take a break form him but over the course of the break we had several talks. I was trying to understand it all and he told me he loved me and would quit for me. I believed him. I came home from the holidays and trusted him. So we started hanging out again and I was starting to see the shady behaviour and getting suspicous. One day in Feb I caught him injecting in the kitchen. We both had breakdowns and he again promised he would get help and quit. And he did. He started going to meetings and I started to see the man I met come back to life. He started hobbies like gardening and jogging and we were talking about moving in together and our future. We’re both 32 so settling down is important to me.
    Well, this past weekend I found a syringe in his bag and confronted him. To which he told me he slipped up 2 weeks ago. He said it was just once. I don’t know what to believe. My trust in him is next to none. But I still absolutely love him with all my heart and when he is sober, he is great.
    I know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I can’t be suspicous if he spends too long in the bathroom or asking if hes going to his meetings or not.
    I’m trying to understand it and since he can quit for a few months, then how bothered should I be by one relapse? How does someone just suddenly get addicted to injecting when they’ve never done it? Hes a normal guy. Has a roommate. Has a great family. Great friends. great girl. Why does he do this to himself? Doesn’t he know he is ruining everything?
    I don’t know what to do. I told him I can’t go on like this but it was very emotional. I love him with all my heart and he loves me too.
    I’ve never been in this situation and I have no one to talk to. I’m scared everyone will judge him and tell me to not be with him. At the same time, i have certain desires I want in my life for me and I feel like I deserve better.
    I guess, one – if he is slipping up every so often, is he a true addict? He seems to think he doesn’t need suboxone or any kind of treatment. He doesn’t get withdrawls and can kick i himself?
    I guess I just need some general advice. I’m heartbroken.
    thank you

  272. Mari P,
    I really want to tell you it will all be okay. I wa t to tell you that you can help him but you cannot. I was married to an addict for 12 years and we had a child. It does not get much better than this and you cannot be the reason he gets help because it won’t stick. I wrote my book, Hope Street, and this blog to help others who are in love with an addict to help you feel u see stood and to give you hope. There is hope. I suggest understanding more about addiction so you do not take his lies personally and understand the manipulation. You also need to understand co-addiction and your part in this. Cohen confronted an addict will retreat, lie, and make empty promises. I would click on my name here and read the other article that can help you. Keep educating yourself and get help for you. I have written so much for you to have the resources you need to get help, use them.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com/video

  273. So he finally admitted it yesterday. And he sat in front of me saying maybe we shouldn’t be together. I got quiet and didn’t say a word..somehow him admitting that he used meth made me feel better. I don’t know still. He said yeah I was working a lot, and in order to finish things he used meth to help him. I don’t think I can have verymuch of a future knowing that the one I love uses meth to complete tasks when he feels overwhelmed.
    He didn’t admit to needing help which is a worry. How could he think I would want to marry him now? How come I want to stay? I don’t know what to do. Please reply soon….

  274. My be and I have been together for almost 5 years. I found out last year hed been on meth and hiding it.Of course I found evidence and asked constantly in the beginning, but he said that habit was all in the past. Last year I found a pipe in his truck and confronted him. He promised to get clean and not do it. Well here I am about a year later, I foi evidence in his truck last week. He also had been acting different. I asked him again but he did not admitting anything, I even expressed my promise to help him in need.
    And now I’m fed up and planning to leave. It’s very hard, but this article describes everything I am going through at this moment.

  275. I have been in a three year relationship with an addict and it’s killing me to walk away.. I know I should but the words are so easy to say however my actions does not reflect leaving…I really thought I was helping but I realize it’s really time to let go

  276. Sheena,
    You are starting to learn a very valuable lesson, this is something he needs to do on his own. He has to want the help and since you have tried to help and this has gotten you nowhere, you are starting to realize that you need to focus on yourself. You need to take care of yourself and your child. These are all of the the things that people who love addicts do not do. We focus our love, time and attention on trying to help the addict and when they fail, like you said, we are back to square one emotionally. We invest our love and our emotions and just when we think things might be safe or on the right road, an addict can take that all away in a heartbeat.
    This is why it is so important for you to focus on you and he on him so that if there is a way for him to stay sober, it will be something his actions prove. I would keep reading about addiction and co-addiction. Click on my name Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles on the subject will come up, read “8 signs you are a co-addict”, “Co-addictive relationships. Get Angry!”, “How to move on from a drug addict” and many more. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of my 12 year relationship with an addict, through marriage and one child. It will also be a great read for you to start understanding more about this addictive cycle, your emotions, and to find hope.
    Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    view the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  277. I have been in a off again, on again relationship for the past 10yrs. All are problems are due to his drug addiction and all the things that come along with it. He just recently admitted to his problem and went for help. 2 months in rehab. He has been home for 4 months and has used twice that I know of. We have been going to family counseling but I’m not sure if that is even working. He has been more open about his childhood and past mistakes that he regrets. Even more involved with our son. Yet we keep going back to square one. It’s like we will make progress, I will see change and then I’m blindsided by a relapse. I feel so lost. I have been focusing on myself alot more. So I’m wondering if I should even continue with family counseling or if that’s something he should do on his own if he wants help??

  278. Andrea D.,
    Thank you for sharing with us again. Let me clarify, I am not, nor ever have been an addict. I do not use any drugs and never have. I was married to an addict though, for 12 years, so I use the term co-addict to explain that although I did not use drugs, I was codependent on an addict. I have seen him detox from benzo’s, opiates, cocaine, etc. so I do know firsthand what this looks like. However, there is no excuse for not getting help, you do not need money to get help. If your boyfriend has nothing and his veins are in disrepair, he can check himself into a hospital and they will detox him and give him emergency medicaid and if he has no home, they will keep him until they find him a rehab which emergency medicaid will pay for. If he does accrue some bills, which he should not, he can pay them later, after he is better. I think he needs care immediately and should get help. I think you have so many issues that you have to deal with and I was not recommending you even try to get your kids back until you are in a good place but pulling the weight of an addict cannot be something that is lightening your load. You have a lot on your plate but if you feel like things are getting better, then this is a good thing. I would recommend therapy and do not give up on school until you are finished. You will get there.
    Good luck.
    Amanda Andruzzi, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of a co-addict
    view the video trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/