How to help a drug addicted spouse

How can you help a drug addicted spouse? Thoughts on the Law of Attraction and generating positive intention here.

minute read

Are you married to an addict or alcoholic? You probably feel exhausted, confused, and not just a little bit angry.  We’re here to let you know that you’re not alone. But that you need to make changes.

Helping an addicted spouse may or may not end in their road to recovery. The merry-go-round you are on keeps spinning and you want to make it stop. You want to keep your marriage. But you can no longer decipher the lies from the truths.

Here, we will discuss points on how to navigate through some common issues so you can start making better decisions. Then, we invite your questions, experience(s), and comments at the end.

How to Help a Drug Addict: The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction implies positive attracts positive. If you are acting in a negative way and expressing feelings of sadness and negativity, then it is likely your spouse will feed off of that and/or use this against you. If you behave in a positive way and live your life positively, despite your spouse’s addiction, it may generate positive results.

If you perpetuate anger, disappointment, and sadness, you may generate similar results in the exchange you have with your spouse. You may not be able to change someone else, but you can either inspire them to change or inspire yourself to move on.  So, what does this look like in practical, real life terms when living in a codependent marriage. How can you live with or love an active drug addict?

You Want the Lies to Stop

WHAT HAPPENS: The lies and manipulation can hurt the most. Some of us would rather our bank account be emptied for a weekend bender than have a spouse look you in the eye and tell you they are sober, when they clearly are not.

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: If you can understand that lies are part of the addiction, the lies may not hurt as much.  If part of the disease is to hide the truth to maintain the addiction, then take a step back and expect to be lied to. You know very well, the truth from a lie, deep down inside. If you want the lies to stop, then try to trust your instincts. If something does not sound right or feel right to you, then that is the truth.

You Want Him to Get Into a Program

WHAT HAPPENS: He may have failed at rehabilitation programs, tried to kick the addiction on his own, or refused that he needs help. You are fully aware he has a problem and you know he will need help.

Rehab or detox does not always work, especially not the first time. You do not have to give up simply because your spouse has failed at recovery. You can however change your strategy. If an addict is forced to get help, it probably means they did not want to. How many times have you done something you did not want to do and kept doing it? The person who is addicted should want to get help, not feel like they are doing it for someone else.

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: You cannot control someone into getting help, but you can make it less likely their addiction will run smoothly. Decide to stop enabling a drug addicted or alcohol husband. Shed some light on what is going on to the people around you both who do not know what is really going on. If you have open and honest conversations with people you love and trust they may be able to help and stop enabling the addict. When an addict has nowhere and no one to turn to, sometimes they will have no choice but to see just how unmanageable their life has become.

You Want Him to Stop Hanging Out With Other Drug Users

WHAT HAPPENS: You want to show him how the “friends” he is using with are not a good influence on him. You block or track his calls, you throw his phone out, hide his keys, or confront his friends but he still goes out with them. These are not his friends; these are his dealers, his drug buddies, and people who are in the same point in their life as he is. You cannot compete with anyone that he gets high with. If you try, he will just lie.

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: So try a different approach. Stop caring about who he hangs out with and let him do what he wants to do. Stop fighting him. He knows you want him to stop. You have made the things you want him to change clear. Why play the game?

Stop playing into his addiction and let him realize that you are moving on with your life, and he is welcome to do the same. He only detests you when you try to stop him from using, so perhaps letting him know you are not happy with his addiction, that you are going to live your own life, will send a clear message; he will lose you.

Should you leave an addicted or alcoholic spouse? It’s going to be your decision. But once you decide, get help and support to follow through.  This time though, you will be showing him, not just telling him.

Can you get your husband into recovery?

  • “I will stop using as soon as I get through this stressful month at work.”
  • “I need you to help me; I cannot live without you.”
  • “I will stop drinking for a month, I can control it.”

You pray that each time you hear words of remorse or shame from your addicted spouse that this will really be the last time. You have read every book on recovery for families and how to help an addict and…no luck. You hang your hopes on the few stories you have heard, like urban legends, of wives who have helped their husbands into recovery. You are skeptical of anyone who tells you that you cannot fix your husband.

The truth is that YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE. This is a harsh reality. We know this. So, if you need to share and know that you are not alone, please leave us a comment here. We’ll try to get back with you ASAP.

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.


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  1. I’ve been married to my husband for one and a half year and he’s a cocaine addict that he was using almost an year before our marriage and he continued till year after and during that time he lost his job and got into a huge amount of debt and was diagnosed early satge of squamous cell carcinoma and fully recovered but he kept saying that he wont go to a rehab and will quit by his own willpower and one day he really did. and then he started a new job and was sober for five months and then one day he went to clear his debt to his drug dealer and he started again and now its been a week and i dont know what to do with this. the last year of his addiction was a hell i couldnt speak a word about it to anyone because i didnt want to tarnish his image i love him so and he’s very kind to me but the first year of our marriage was filled with the memories of his taking drugs and not sleeping and eating for 3 to 4 days continuously and then he’d sleep for whole 2 days and on 3rd day he’d start again and he gets very romantic when high but then i knw than its not him its because of cocaine and and during his hangover he wouldnt talk to anyone he would just sleep. and there was also this financial problem we didnt have any money left and he wouldnt go out and meet anyone and i live in a joint family system and it was difficult to explain and cover his addiction and my family members used to ask me why he’s always at home and i’d always cover for him. his father and brother knew and they were helpful but others were not and they used to blame me for his situation that somehow i was a bad influence over him and dont motivate and encourage him enough and i had to bear all this but still i stayed positive and believed in him and when he quitted i was so jubilant and thought it was our luck and big achievement but now when he.s started again im completely shattered and i kind of lost hope and i dont know what to do i dread those horrible days with his addiction but im clueless and very sad and frustrated i dont know what would be best whether he should go to a rehab or i should tell my parents about his addiction and ask them for advice and help

  2. Jess,
    I think you know exactly what you have to do but it is the hardest thing to do in the short term–however, much much better for you and the kids in the long term. If you tolerate the drug abuse from him and in your home, he will not stop, EVER! If you make him go at least you and your kids have a shot at peace and happiness in your home. This is his demon and you can only offer your help and support if he is willing to go into recovery, for real, not promises and half attempts. YOu know the difference by now.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  3. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. We have 4 children. I was completely unaware that my husband was addicted to weed and pain pills when we got married. It dawned on me that he had a problem when my prescriptions would end up missing when I had surgeries. He would lie to my face and say he didn’t know what happened to them only to finally come clean much later. He has never had anything to do with our children. I feel like I have raised our children completely by myself. He got ahold of my credit card and maxed it out a few months ago. He had nothing to show for all the charges and couldn’t explain himself. I told him we needed some time apart. He moved out for a week but called the house everyday and made me and the kids cry. I let him come home because he swore things would be different. Everything seemed fine until a few days ago. He broke weed up in the next room while the kids and I watched a movie. I told him that was very irresponsible and I don’t want it in the house. The next morning I found his stash of weed, pipes, and straws he uses to snort pills (I’m assuming). I told him to get that out of the house as well. He said he wouldn’t and he didn’t understand what the big deal was. He has killed us financially and he is putting his “needs” before his children. I don’t know what to do at this point. I only know that my kids deserve a daddy who won’t hurt them.

  4. Myris, Leazal & Kelly,
    I would take the time to seriously consider why you are still in these relationships because they are not healthy in any way and although you don’t have to leave this instant, you can take the time and the steps you need to do so. sometimes just knowing you are leaving can give you some solace. But the truth is that as long as the person is using and actively addicted, nothing will change, the change has to come from you if you want things to be different.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  5. I live with an addict to drugs, you name it, he’s done it. he has kicked some of the worst, but remains faithful to his Crack. I have been with him for 13 years. Loyal and faithful through them all. I even went so far as to leave him aND fly across the country to get away. I am fully aware before I left, we were in a co-dependent relationship. I moved in with my brother who is controlling and has a bad temper. in the mean time, my husband flew back and went straight to detox. well aware and very vocal that he himself is an addict. he wanted to get better. unable to go straight into a rehab program, he came and stayed with me at my brothers where his sobriety was almost instantaneously sabotaged by my brother. he then moved in with his mother and things went from bad to way worse! He began dealing and stealing and doing whatever he could to get “high”. During all of this, my brother and I had it out, forcing myself and my 2 children into a shelter for abused women. I lived there for 2 months. I was so scared and had all intention of moving my children and I on our own. My husbands mother came to me with a proposal. She knew the children and I needed stability, feedom and a roof over our heads. She proposed that we take over her home. Paying a small amount of rent to cover the bills and to get ourselves on our feet. The house will become my children’s home when my youngest turns 18. Thinking that it all sounded amazing I agreed, except there was one kicker, I had to move in with my husband and take care of him. Although, it sounds like a really hard favor to ask, I couldn’t say no. I was homeless, jobless, and very broken. I have lived here for 2 months since she gave us the home and all the promises for change never happened. I feel like we just went back into old patterns. I am trying to live a separate life from him, with no affect upon him. I do not leave him alone with my children. Giving him freedom to do whatever he wants. I work full time and he does nothing. I do not want to lose my children, which is why I do not give him the responsibility of them. I don’t give him any responsibility. When I try, I get severely disappointed. When I try to arrange a date night which is rare, it always ends with us going our separate ways. he has no interest in me sexually, and Im not ugly! I just have drawn all the hard lines and he just walks over them as though they are nothing. Living a separate life is hard too. I want him there for the parties and fun times but I’m embarrassed at the same time. He never stays or if he does, he spends more time in the car or outside getting high. It’s a very lonely life for me. I have thought several times about leaving, but I want to see my kids have their own home and see them go far in life. I just don’t know how much longer I can take care of my husband. He has given me nothing to look forward to anymore. I don’t know what to do. I feel just stuck.

  6. Wow wow how i needed to rrad this as i am laying her in bed my husband had been gone for 4 days cellphone switched of and gone with the car. This is so so true i now realise how i have been enabeling him. When he gets home from a drug binge i try to get my family together but it is not working cause he will be fine about 2 weeks and dissappear again. Thank you for this.

  7. I don’t know how to help him, I tired of his lies and tired of realizing there’s no money on the account cus he used it all not thinking about needs or bills.i really will love to leave him cus I don’t think he will ever be the one I met when he was sober. I tried ultimatums I’ve tried everything from a nice conversation, begging, crying out my heart etc… All I get is tomorrow will be better. And guess what… Tomorrow never comes!!! I have 2 kids living with me and I don’t think they deserve that. I don’t think I don’t deserve that either. I give all I have n live in fear of eviction loosing the car loosing my life. I love him but I need to love myself more. I tried this n nothing works and he don’t get better or wants to get better. I’m not his priority and we not longer work for a future together….he gave me the nuceat engagement ring… He pawned it for 300 dollars it cost 4000. He took every lil gift he gave me…been selling his tools a TV etc. I love the one I met I dislike the one he became

  8. To all of the posts I have not had a chance to answer,

    thank you for sharing with us. I want to address all of you by addressing your co-addictive behavior with the addict. In life there are no guarantees. We cannot control anyone or the decisions they make but we can take back the power over our own lives. We can decide to make a change and do it regardless of what the addict is doing. You are co-addicted but just because the addict is stuck, you can decide you don’t want to be anymore. It is not something that happens overnight but as you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will eventually start to gravitate towards the “what ifs” like What if I leave and have peace in my home, life and with my family? or What if I could be happy again and enjoy the things I used to love or meet a new person who could really share a life with me? Those are the “what ifs” that start the journey of recovery for a co-addict. the fear of leaving is crippling and eventually that becomes replaced by the fear of what will happen if you don’t leave. You have to make a commitment to let go and focus on yourself and that happens for everyone differently and at a different point but it will happen and what makes me understand that is you are here, asking questions, searching for answers. It took me 12 long years and I wanted to share my joy with the world of what life was actually like WITHOUT THE ADDICT and that is why I wrote HOPE STREET and I hope you have a chance to read it. I wanted to help all of you with the experience that I had and let you know that the FEAR OF LEAVING MY ADDICTED HUSBAND, although it felt real, was what kept me in the relationship too long and then when I had to get out for my own sanity and safety, it was the absolute best thing that every happened to me. You are stronger than you realize, remember that and if you think leaving is hard, you have no idea how hard your life is now dealing with the addict and how much easier it will be to let go.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  9. To all of the posts I have not had a chance to answer in the last 2 months,
    thank you for sharing with us. I want to address all of you by addressing your co-addictive behavior with the addict. In life there are no guarantees. We cannot control anyone or the decisions they make but we can take back the power over our own lives. We can decide to make a change and do it regardless of what the addict is doing. You are co-addicted but just because the addict is stuck, you can decide you don’t want to be anymore. It is not something that happens overnight but as you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will eventually start to gravitate towards the “what ifs” like What if I leave and have peace in my home, life and with my family? or What if I could be happy again and enjoy the things I used to love or meet a new person who could really share a life with me? Those are the “what ifs” that start the journey of recovery for a co-addict. the fear of leaving is crippling and eventually that becomes replaced by the fear of what will happen if you don’t leave. You have to make a commitment to let go and focus on yourself and that happens for everyone differently and at a different point but it will happen and what makes me understand that is you are here, asking questions, searching for answers. It took me 12 long years and I wanted to share my joy with the world of what life was actually like WITHOUT THE ADDICT and that is why I wrote HOPE STREET and I hope you have a chance to read it. I wanted to help all of you with the experience that I had and let you know that the FEAR OF LEAVING MY ADDICTED HUSBAND, although it felt real, was what kept me in the relationship too long and then when I had to get out for my own sanity and safety, it was the absolute best thing that every happened to me. You are stronger than you realize, remember that and if you think leaving is hard, you have no idea how hard your life is now dealing with the addict and how much easier it will be to let go.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  10. My husbund was a drug addict, and went 7 times to rehab. He keeps falling back. His a true codeine and anything over the counter pills that he will buy to get so high. He crashes it burns it, smoke, and snork it.his using marijuana now too.yes he keeps lieing to me keeps thinking im an idioot. I keep staring in his eyes when I get back from work and see how high he is. He admits his got a problem, but no way that I can get him back into a rehab. No money. True but sad.
    I left him befor and it stopped, and now his back on it.
    I do love him. I do want to help, but I just dont know how.

  11. My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs. For 9 yrs we have fought so much over money. He is addicted to hydrocodones. He takes them like candy. He get a script every month for 12 yrs and runs out in a week. So he gets them from the street. He will spend about $300 to $500 every single week. They always come first. When we get paid he runs and gets those first and when I get paid… He gets my check and goes gets those. If I even dare to say something about the money… He gets so mad. It breaks my heart cause I have put 9 yrs into this marriage. I have tried everything you can think of. I’ve tried leaving… Then I have to hear how I don’t love him. Cause if you love someone… you don’t just give up. And he will kill himself. I work 3 jobs so I can try to stay ahead.. that don’t work either. Its like it gives him more permission to just sit there and eat a pill every 30 minutes. I have kids who are teenagers. They don’t know but however it’s hard to just break a family. Now he’s taking our kids money too! I’m lost and I’m hurt. I don’t want to lose him but I can’t take this life style any more. I find myself day dreaming about me living on my own… But then when I realize he’s not in the picture I start crying. I’ve talked to him about rehab… that don’t go far. I’ve brought his parents to light. As a matter of fact… He told them himself. But nothing changed. Just things he said would happen just never did. I walk around mad and hurt and lost and depressed. I just don’t know any more! Now other people are talking about it. Cause you can’t hide it all the time! Please help

  12. I discovered in April that my husband of less than a year was doing meth. He began showing all the signs weight loss, insomnia, quick to snap, distant etc. I found his hiding spot in the garage and confronted him. It was really difficult for him to open up and admit what was going on. Since then it’s been a roller coaster of emotions. He lied and promised he stopped. I found out last night that he never stopped and had a huge blow up. I’m trying to be strong but I’m struggling to handle this situation. I’m the only one who knows that he is doing meth. I feel angry, alone, and don’t know what my next move is. Should I tell his family? I don’t want to send him on a bender but i feel like i need the support and that it would greatly help him. I feel like he doesn’t take it serious when i try to talk to him about it. I’m looking into counseling for the both of us. I don’t want to give up on him but I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this situation alone.

  13. I have a wife that was a former opiate addict that quit by using something called Krayton. After being with her for a year she started having seizures and after talking to doctor friend of mine he told me it was the Krayton causing this and if she didn’t stop the seizures would stay with her all her life. I explained to my wife how much she was hurting her self and would be happy to take her to a doctor to get her on suboxon. She said she would just quit. The withdrawals where like someone coming off mad amounts of heroine. But we got through it. A few months later I thought she was acting strange so against my better judgement went through her stuff when she was at work and found more of the Krayton. I don’t think she ever really quit just lied to me straight to my face without a blink of an eye. Few months later started having seizure after seizure. I confided in her that she had to choose the drugs or me as I wasn’t sit here and watch her die literally in my arms. She acted again like she quit. I just recently put a large amount of money in her account the day after she was higher than a kite so I confronted her again she blew up left the house said she wanted a divorce and I was the butt head. I think she went out with her friends and cheated on me. She was gone for three days with no communication staying at “friends” houses when in reality she was two nights at a hotel and one night probably with the guy she has been seeing behaving my back for weeks. I finally got to talk with her today. She admitted to being on drugs and knew that is where the fight came from but that I needed to stop trying to “change” her. I agreed but when she didn’t want to come back home and continue to stay in the hotel and her not knowing I checked her phone while in the restroom saw tons of texts from this guy about getting together tonight. I need help and advice. I love her and believe marriage is forever so divorce is off the subject. I am going to ala on tomorrow. I am really at a loss for words and/or understandment and any help at this point would be amazing.

  14. My husband is an alcoholic and Rx drug abuser. I thought he was messed up but wasn’t sure i kept our appointment with the AA counselor, just so she could see what i see. It was to be our first meeting together. She took one look at him and told him he was on something. He tried to lie. She wasn’t having it. We have another meeting next week. And she told him not to be high. She talked to me and said what everyone else has said HELP YOURSELF! Today’s my birthday. I may go off and enjoy myself today ALONE.

  15. Angel,
    May I ask why you continue to have children when your husband is struggling? Now you have to depend on him financially. I think you need to let the chips fall where they may and get your husband help. I would tell him that he gets help or you are leaving because this is no way to live.
    Keri, It is time for you to tell him that if he uses then you will no longer allow him in your home or your life. You love him but will no longer support or be a part of this life with him. It is okay to stick up for yourself and it is okay to set boundaries. You can love someone from a distance and not allow them to tear you apart from the inside out. It is time for you to break free from this life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

  16. Keri, It is time for you to tell him that if he uses then you will no longer allow him in your home or your life. You love him but will no longer support or be a part of this life with him. It is okay to stick up for yourself and it is okay to set boundaries. You can love someone from a distance and not allow them to tear you apart from the inside out. It is time for you to break free from this life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  17. My husbands addicted to heroin. It has been since October 2017. He spends all our money. He does t want to go to a clinic and get help because he is scared to lose his job. I stay at home. We have 2 kids and one on the way. Our oldest has special needs which keeps me from working. We depend on my husband and I don’t know what we would do either of he loses his job. Our savings is now gone. I feel so helpless. I just want to leave, he said he needs me to help him and I’ve been trying to for months. I’m so sick from being pregnant and dealing with his stuff is pushing me over the edge.

  18. My husband is addicted to meth. He used to work on a fishing boat but stopped maybe because he’s too comfortable staying home doing drugs. Before he became an addict, we were happy, he would do what I want, spend time with me, go places on weekends and watch Netflix at night. We spent a lot of time together It was pretty great until some changes happened with him not doing what I tell him to do but wants me to do what he wants. And if I don’t he throws a big fit. What he says goes. He’d locked himself in the garage for days all day all night til AM. He doesn’t sleep he doesn’t finish his meals he doesn’t want to listen to me, He doesn’t want to spend time with me but he would rather hang out with his friends all week and weekends too and stay on his phone. He would sneak out late night when I fall asleep. He would stay in the garage and wait til I fall asleep bc i go to bed super early. I leave the house at 6am and get home 530pm and he’s never home when I get home. There’s dishes in the sink, trash hasn’t been taken out he does nothing around the house anymore. He started pawning stuff in the house for money. He pawned his wedding ring and just yesterday I cried like a big baby when I found out he pawned my wedding ring. His family is all so surprised how I am still with him because he’s been like this for 5 months now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just pray and I pray more for him then for myself. I pray for patience, strength and knowledge while going thru this. He says it’s not a big deal but I keep telling him how much it hurts me to see him continue doing it when he promised he’ll stop but nothing. And it is a big deal. This is not the life I want with him. I’m having to stay up at night when I wake up to use the restroom and his not home so I stay up wondering where he’s at who he’s with, than I don’t sleep and go to work so tired and behind with work bc all I think about is why what and where he’s been.

  19. Hello again I just want to know don’t give if they slip and slip again maybe one day it will stick. It is hard because you got change everything about yourself even the people hang with. I even could not watch the news if a drug bust. Be willing to accept there going lie. I just nature of drugs. That will stop if want blame someone it’s OK. They know it was them that really did it to themselves. They have been kicked enough don’t kick them harder. Don’t keep talking it if they it’s OK birding you start it. Understand they are in hell in there heads.

  20. I told you my problems in above comments. I am in late stages of heart failure. I went to the doctor the other day he told me that I would be very lucky to see June I am only 43. So yes it something you should talk about is Heath too. Thank you for reading. I

  21. S, Louise and Beth,
    “around and around we go.” that is a good statement when it comes to living with and loving an addict. I want to say the ride stops someday but the truth is that the only way it really stops is if you get off. If you feel alone and scared and want things to change then you have to be the one to make that change. You have to set boundaries and stick to them (no drugs in the house means no drugs in the house), leave, move on with your life and leave the addict alone, anything you can do to restore your sanity.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  22. My husband and I have been married 8 years. He’s an alcoholic. So many times I wanted to leave, but I think of our kids and what if he tries to keep them. For the last couple months now, almost a year money is always missing from account. Pulling out a 100 here another 100 here and we work full time with good jobs. But we live paycheck to paycheck sometimes not even making it to payday. I confront him all the time and he says it’s for gas or money for the week. He finally confessed that he has been buying pain pills for 20$ a peice and he will buy 10 at a time. I knew something was going on. I don’t know what to do, think or even be upset. I feel numb around him , he’s apologized up and down and promised he’s done but I don’t believe him especially since he still drinks heavy. I feel so alone and scared.

  23. I Just locked my husband out the house (we have kids) because I knew he had just got some cocaine and was going to do it in the kitchen kids are alseep upstairs. He does this about once a month by himself stays up all night doing lines. I think its digesting. So I just let him in while typeing this! I felt bad because he had no keys he told me he didnt have any drugs on him but i think he’s lieing. Around and around we go.

  24. my husband is using cocaine for 1 and a half year and he has refused to get into rehab insisting that he wants to quit himself using his own willpower and he needs some time but he’s not quitting and he uses the drug almost every single day and he’s stopped working, dosent eat much his sleeping pattern is disturbed and dosent go out and he says that it has made a positive impact on him before using cocaine he used to get angry and he was short tempered but now he’s very calm and relaxed about everything i dont know what to do or how can i help?

  25. Philip,
    This is not easy and so there are no easy answers but there are some clear cut things you can apply to this situation that will help.
    Please read my other articles especially the one called “Zero tolerance for drug addiction: help for families.” You need to set boundaries and let her know that you love her but that you cannot go on this way any longer. You can love someone for better or worse but there is a point where you start to enable someone’s addiction by allowing them to live with you and disrupt and destroy everyone’s life including their own. You have every right to let her know it is the family or the drugs, have an intervention with the help of a specialist or therapist and if she refuses then you can have her removed from your home. The key is saying something and then sticking with it. If she knows it is a revolving door then she will continue to do more of the same. I recommend al-anon for you and alateen for the children, perhaps a counselor for the family and taking this head on, at least for the sake of the children. You have to act because empty threats are just that, empty.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer:

  26. Hello Amanda, my wife is addicted to oxy. She started a couple of years ago after her dad died. It has gotten to the point where she does them everyday. She lies about taking them and we fight constantly. We have two kids and it is affecting them in a bad way. I got a new job a year ago and i am making a lot more money and i am very happy. She works a lot but never has money because she spends it all on pills. I have tried to kick her out several times but she won’t leave. I do not feel i should leave because i am paying all of the bills. She drinks a lot also but i like to drink myself. I cannot take it anymore and i cannot just up and leave for financial reasons. I have suggested help but she says i am part of the problem. I am not husband of the year by any means but i stay angry at her for her addiction and it makes things worse. I’m stuck and i know she has to help herself but i do not like the person she has become. She has nowhere to go and i kind of feel sorry for her. I am so confused, any suggestions?

  27. Beau, I think you need to save yourself. No one, even a loved one can force you to become a meth addict, that was a pretty insecure decision on your part and I think you need to extricate yourself from this situation so that you can get and remain clean. It sounds like your girlfriend does not want to stop but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Get help, get is now!

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  28. I know everybody has there breaking points.i have fault with it my whole life. I do know this much I know it be hard do but stop kicking the ones already down. Raise up. If I told you the week I had I’m not sure I believe it. I been real lucky to keep a roof over my head this long. Well Monday is iti will be homeless not because of dope. I’m sick can’t work. I don’t know what to say or than this. Love them try to trust them.i have been clean while now and my family has money they know I’m dieing but nobody is coming that is the reason we running back but it is just excuse. Thankd for listening

  29. My gf has been on meth for 13 years then influencing me I have been on it for a little over a year now. I want her to stop with me but she refuses there’s a problem, even when its screwed up her thinking and ruins our relationship. What’s up?

  30. Jae, RSD, Cax, James, Adam, Deborah, MJ,
    thank you so much for sharing your stories. I can tell you this much, an addict will always try to escape blame for their drug use. You are not responsible for anyone’s addiction or their sobriety. they have that cross to bare, not you. but if they are using they will manipulate you into thinking that you could be doing something differently to help them. The only action you can take is to stop enabling and focus on YOU. that is the only way and if that means leaving them, then so be it. You all deserve happiness.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  31. I can’t leave her I want to help her I been sober for four years now I know I can help my wife so tell me what I can do please

  32. Hello look I was a addict for many years. My wife still is using. In June I went to the hospital cause I could not breath I was clean for a while a week probably two but I found out that I have had several heart attacks. I did not know and allot of damage. I’m in heart faiure now 10 percent of my heart I’m 43 can’t on transplant because got clean five years. Doctors gave 3 months to a year to live. I always worked and now nothing about homeless or dead. My wife she loves and tried quit. It takes time to disabled when your this age. The truth who cares if you hurt there feelings. They need to know. Look it’s all about excuses. Make them listen

  33. My husband is addicted to pain pills. He started taking them after an injury at work that has left him with permanent disabilities and constant pain. He is prescribed 5 pills a day to help with the pain but he has sold almost everything we own to buy more when his is gone. His truck has been repossessed, the house is in foreclosure and I work 2 jobs to try and pay the bills. He has even pawned my mothers wedding rings to get money for pills. He blames me for everything. Fights with me every chance he gets. He says he wants help but he has no health insurance. How does he get help?

  34. My spouse and I have been together 14yrs, we have been separated more times then I can count and even divorced but got back together. We both were young when we met which was in the “party” scene in our early 20’s and quickly fell in love, married and started a family. It has been on ongoing battle pretty much the whole relationship with him going out, disappearing, turning his phone off, leaving me, etc. basically because he wants to party all the time. We love each other so much but I just cannot take this any longer, I have no idea what to do. I feel like he just uses me, abuses me and feeds his addiction. He also does not believe he has an addiction he says the reason he goes out is because I’m crazy and he is not a 12yr old and deserves to go out and do as he pleases. I truly am at a loss for what to do next!!

  35. I am in a relationship with a serious heroin and crack cocaine addict. I have spent many hours googling to find someone in a similar situation but there seems very few, if none. I knew my partner was thoroughly in the grips of addiction and has been for many years when I got with him but our friendship developed. He deals to feed his addiction, from his property so we have a strictly “night time only relationship”. Our relationship is different because he actually NEEDS me for nothing. He never asks me for anything, he would never steal from me or ask me to do anything for him.
    Don’t get me wrong he is a nightmare with time keeping, he tends to turn up at 11pm but the love we have for each other is intense. I have a good job, have never been interested in drugs and never will be. He has been to 2 detoxes and quit both within a few days. He talks a lot about getting clean but I am educated enough in drugs to know talk is cheap. He claims to have stopped injecting as is riddled in blood clots and abscesses but I think he is smoking and injecting now. He quit phet which was his drug of choice since 14 years old as I pointed out what am extreme reaction he was having on it as could bust out some serious shapes on it and was frankly an embarrassment. He then replaced this with a raging crack habit. For the first time in years he is now in a mess financially, in debt with rent, and has lost 3 stone so looks unmistakably like an addict.
    I am writing this because all you read us how the addict is out to manipulate and take. Sometimes it’s more complicated than that. Oh i know he probably will never be clean, I know he will probably die as a result of his drug use, but he genuinely does adore me. In a year he has never disrespected me, never behaved inappropriately. It’s a bizarre relationship. One where we both dream Of The days that will probably never come, but we do love each other. I don’t leave because we love each other intensely. I get to see the man beyond the drugs. We have a deep respect for each other. Heroin just keeps him from Being sick now, he gets zero buzz off it. The crack gets him high with excessive body jerks. I only see him in these states if I go and see him during the day. By the time I see him at night he is stabilising.
    It’s horrible lying next to him hearing him hold his breath for horrendous amounts of time during his sleep, horrible wishing he would stop killing himself, horrible watching him wake up burping, sniffling and sneezing until he locks himself in the bathroom for his first fix, hearing him curse how he hates mornings and hates waking up like that, then he has his fix, gets bk in bed and talks the talk we both dream of, he has had enough, he wants out of it all. But I am not gullible, I know talk is easy. I know he will probably die to his addiction. So why do I stay? I am fiercely independent. I have my own house, car, friends etc. I need him for nothing. I just love him. He is my best friend, he would die for me. I am telling my story because it is never as black and white as no many of these stories suggest.
    It’s a strange situation. He admits he hates every single punter that comes to his door to score. He listens to their bull and knows it’s all drug talk but he needs them as much as they need him. He is a realist. He sees the drug scene for what it is. We both do. But he isn’t ready to go through what it would take to get clean. I don’t know if he could. He never sits and watches TV, or does anything “normal”. He gets up and gets his “drugs to deal”, spends all day dealing from his place and rarely rakes a day off.
    I know how this ends, I know it’s death for him by a fatal blood clot or crack lung or whatever. But how do u walk away from your best friend, a truly loving man who adores you, even if drugs do come first for him? I know being with him denies me a normal life, I know if I leave him, he would descend into chaos even further and I know i would destroy him. I guess I am his little bit of normality he clings to. Over the last few months he has reconnected with his family through me who love him no matter what he is but he withdrew due to embarrassment of his lifestyle.
    Where do we go from here? He has recently applied to go on suboxone as he has always (with good reason as methadone is horrendous to detox from) refused methadone. I had no input in this and was surprised he took this step. I don’t believe he will maintain a substance free lifestyle, he is too embroiled in it all, but we shall see. I am moving soon and he talks about stopping dealing, says he knows he will get prison. Do I believe it will happen? I will believe it when I see it!

  36. Dear Amanda
    My husband and I have been married for 27 yrs
    Over the yrs he has been addicted to 1 thing or another . But know since he has been addicted to these painkillers I can no longer handle him
    I also am suffering from s disease called RSD
    which I also have to take painkillers when I
    cannot handle the pain any longer. I am getting worse but need help for my husband. He has
    become very mentally abusive to me.
    I don’t have to many years left but would like to help my husband and live happily with him for the time I have left. Can you help me?

  37. My wife had me at the end of my rope, just before we found out we were going to have a child. We both did everything we could do, got a new home, made better income and tried to move forward. However, I was later injured, off work, depressed and spiteful of what she had put me through. As she began to rise, I fell apart. After an ankle and back surgery, quite a bit of time and several ups and downs, I was working, but failing as a person. She left, took my son, but also began using. I had no idea and did everything I could to get my family back. Fast forward, we 3 are renting 1 bedroom and some garage space, I feel as though my back is going to break again, but I feel as though it is worth it, because it isn’t about me, its about what I want for my boy. Currently, I am dealing with her heroine habbit again, even though she can’t lie to me, she tries, I finally get the truth and shortly after, I get bitten again. I recently found out that she has picked up heroine, more than once, from some old lady, with my son along for the ride(last Saturday). She had an appointment with a treatment center today (Monday), but lied, when she let it slip that she stated “would be able to detox on her own.” That’s how I found out she had lied, yet again(about Saturday).

    I have no idea where to go next. I just want my family to get back to being a family.


  38. Naïve and struggling,
    I understand your situation and why you don’t want to leave but you can’t stay naïve forever. You might have to walk away taking his children with you. To sustain this type of abuse for this long will wear on you and you have to come that point before you can make a change.

    Misty, I would caution being sober, especially newly sober and living with an active addict. I don’t think your children either should come home to this, it sounds like you have both put them through way too much. You have to walk away if he does not get help for the sake of your own sobriety and for your children.

    Lori, you are at the point where you have to give him an ultimatum, he has to seek treatment and you can make a complaint against the doctor but then it is out of your hands. You need to offer your help and if he does not take it then you have to let go. You cannot be the one to make him change, he has to really want it.

    Mona, stick to your guns, if you asked him to leave if he doesn’t get help then don’t back down, make him leave. You only enable an addict when you continue to tell them something and don’t follow through.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  39. Lately I noticed a bad odor in my house my husband smokes marijuana but this smell was like a chemical smell I confronted him about it he denies it but I know he’s smoking marijuana laced with crack I gave him a choice either he stops or we are going are separate ways he hasn’t been paying bills either like he used to please help me

  40. My husband is addicted to opiates…he went through several doctors until he finally found one he could control and get what he wants. His doctor is prescribing morphine, somas and percocets. My husband takes all of those and then turns to the streets. He even got his doctor which is also my doctor to prescribe me somas for him. He lies all the time, and has put us financially into credtor land because all his money goes to drugs instead of bills. Not to mention the money which has disappeared from my purse. I talked to his doctor and told him that I counted 400 pills that I knew of that my husband has taken. He still continues to give my husband drugs. He even told my husband I went to him about it. My husband has gone through some serious with draws for a few week waiting for his scripts to be refilled, then starts all over again. He decided he wanted to stop so he went to his doctor to ask him to detox him, but he said his doctor said no, he would need to have surgery first for his back and then probably have to take percocets from then on. I cant imagine a doctor doing these things. I feel like turning him in, but not even sure what to do or if its even true…I feel angry, sad, lonely and angry again. Help..

  41. I have been sober for 34 days from meth and I have completely changed my way of life, all about being sober and positive everything. My mind my attitude ect. All I have been is supportive and positive for my husband who is still using, he is blaming everyone else for why our kids just got taken, my husband and I were physically and verbally abusing each other and our boys started talking about it and they are now with cps and I am doing community service, looking for a job ,and going a hour trip to UA 3 Times a week. How do I help my husband? We go to court for our kids Tuesday and I know they will want us to do counseling and drug tests, I’m all for it. It will only help and make us better for ourselves n our boyz, my husband is stuck and just lost doesn’t come out of the bedroom except to eat and use the restroom. He won’t talk to me at all.

  42. When I met my husband I had never been around people who use anything. In the beginning he was absolutely amazing, he had told me this amazing story of his past. How he had used drugs and had been motivated by his children to get clean. And now had full custody of his children. I never having dealt with drug addiction before believed every word he told me. Things where for the most part good our first year. We moved in together, he was so full of life and happiness. I did see some small warning signs looking back now but due to my lack of experience in this area I didn’t connect the dots. So we got married a little after our one year anniversary. My mother suddenly died around that time causing my family to randomly scatter and probably adding to my need to make my life with my husband and his family work. Literally the day after we got married his whole disposition towards me changed. I was in shock and disbelief. I couldn’t understand what was happening, then about a month after we were married the wife of one of his friends contacted me and informed me after 8 years of being off meth my husband had started using again. Things started to take perspective. But he made me feel some how I had caused the relapse. So I’ve stayed and dealt with the financial, emotional and sometimes physical roller coaster his relapse has caused. Feeling some how responsible. The other factor is I’m raising his children as my own, since I’ve came into his life I’ve been a huge help in stabilizing and helping his children. Now his family is mine and those children are mine. As much as I would like to disconnect myself from him I can’t leave behind the children I love or the people I now call family. As any addict would over time he’s picked up on this weakness and learned how to use it. He’s using more frequently as time goes by and each time he uses he is personality wise worse and worse. This last time he started yelling at his mother, something ive never seen him do. He thinks everything is someone else’s fault and is starting to get a odd superiority complex. I’ve went to his family on several occasions. We’ve even planned interventions but his mom always backs out at last moment. She’s also enabling him due to her fear of losing her grandchildren in the process. She just gives us pep talks about how to get him through this time. While giving him money any time he blows his. I have my own children to worry about too but I’ve put myself in a difficult position. Due to his wreckless behavior and my enabling him to make the monster go away financially I can’t leave and honestly even if I could I would probably make another excuse to stay. Not because of him at this point but because of the family that is now all I have. I’ve always had the strong need to be part of a family and until my mom died my family had been my world but oddly enough when she passed we all drifted apart like she was our glue. So I’m terrified to leave for fear of being completely alone and on my own for the first time in my life. So, I’ve came to a point where I know something has to change before he kills himself. His physical look is so pale and sickly compared to the husband I had even just 6 months ago. I feel stuck at a crossroads, knowing I have to start making changes but not knowing how or even which ones are the best ones to make first.

  43. Lahwren & Janet,

    The minute you say you’re helpless, you’re helpless. If you have given up then nothing will work. I am going to give you the most simple advice but the only advice that will actually work. You are never stuck and if you want something to happen then you have to make the change and stop waiting for everyone else to help you. And when you start helping yourself you will find that others will start to offer their support because they see you trying. If what you’re doing isn’t working then you need to try something else. I am not to spewing advice, I have been in your position a single parent with no income and it wasn’t until I stopped waiting for others to help me and help myself get things started to change for the better in my life. The minute you tell yourself that you can’t then you won’t.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  44. Hi, my husband has had a relapse on drugs after he got kidney stones. He decided to go to detox for 4 days after two weeks of being home he went back to the same thing we only being married for two months and is killing me inside. I feel broken. He says he going to get off him but I don’t trust him. He lies to me and blames everything on me. Please help me.

  45. My parents are very unhelpful and awful. They still yell at me and I’m a 30 year old woman with two kids. They know all about my situation and my dad is even a cop of 30 years and they still won’t help me buy a car or put me up in a place to live. I was actually living with them for 3 months and my dad I think suffers from PTSD from being a cop and had a mental breakdown and made us move in with my husbands parents! It’s kinda sad so you can see how I’m helpless!

  46. Lahwren,

    You are in a very dangerous situation that you need to get out of for you and for your kids. Can your parents buy you a plane ticket or a train ticket or pick you up in the middle of the night? You do need to go to court and testify that he is beating you numerous times. You can obtain a restraining order, but whatever you do you must get out of the situation. once you are out of the situation and in a safe place and then we can work on you healing and getting your life back but right now getting out of there is imminent. You have to muster up all of your strength right now and not worry about his reactions and go and testify against him or just get out of there. You will never know how strong you are until you were tested and right now you need to do that for your children.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  47. My husband is addicted to pain killers. He was in a motorcycle accident years ago and because of that he gets the strongest Percocet out there. He double dips and gets them from a doctor in CA and AZ. The systems are connected so he’s able to get his pills filled in two states in one month. He lost his job a year ago because he was high at a work conference in front of the CEO and fell asleep in a meeting. Since then he’s tried applying but fails drug tests. He now sells his pills monthly and we live off of the drug money (roughly 1600 a month) and now have lived with his parents for the passed year with no hope of him getting a job. He’s beaten me up several times and because I refused to go to court to testify against him I now have a bench warrant for my arrest and I’m terrified to get it taken care of of fear of going to jail so I can’t even get a job. We have two kids together and he will never stop using. I devolved anxiety and depression and he now steals my Xanax if I don’t hide them. I just got my Xanax filled 3 days ago and he took 60 of my 90 month supply. He’s been physical with me and our car was repossessed because he was spending 3grans a month on pills I had no idea about because he doesn’t let me see our checking account statements so I don’t even have a car. I want to leave him but he threatens he’ll call the cops on me, say I kidnapped my children and he also stole my ID so i can’t even apply for jobs places who don’t do background checks. I’m scared I have no where to live or run to. My parents just recently moved to Utah from California where I’m from and I don’t even have a car to leave in the middle of the night with my kids. As a favor a friend of mine offered him a job to help him out with construction and he starts tomorrow and he is so fucked up right now falling asleep standing up and pulling everything out of our closet to “reorganize it” and he has to be at work at 6am. He won’t sleep all night and I’m so stressed tomorrow he’ll go in and look cracked out and still be high and he’s doing electrical work so I’m scared he’s going to fall asleep the first day on the job and get fired right away. Our kids need clothes and shoes and instead he’s choosing to stay high and he won’t go to sleep. I finally had to go sleep in my daughters bed so I can get some sleep. I’m scared of him and don’t know what to do. His parents aren’t supportive and would just get mad at me and blame me for his pills. He’s beaten me up in their home and I’ve shown the welts hes left on me and his dad said o did that it to myself even though they walked in on him laying on top of me choking me. I need help and I don’t know how i’ll support myself and I’m scared of what he’ll do to me. He even takes sleeping pills all throughout the day. He just got his ambien filled and he took all 30 pills in one day. I’m scared he’s going to OD but part of me wishes he would so I can have my life back.

  48. I met my partner at a low point in my own life. He promised me the world, while high, and I believed him. I was dragged down the path of the addict along with him, and BC he had hid it better, or better controlled it at that point, everyone pointed their fingers at me. It took me one time in an outpatient program and I have never went back. Since then he continued in his addictions and only has gotten worse. He has broken every promise he’s ever made me. Recently he bought me an engagement ring. It only took 6 rocky years and two children… I asked him to move out when I was recovering and he couldn’t stop drinking and using opiates, and he did. Lately he’s been using heroin, and he’s lying about it constantly. I want to be there for him, I want him to get help and stop, like I did. I want our family together, but mostly because I don’t want to be legally obligated to send my children to spend weekends there if he can manage a clean urine test or two. He’s quit and relapsed so many times, I just don’t trust him to stay clean, even of he gets clean. His mother is a hard ass and works for a lawyer, so I fear the worst when it comes to that. She’s not as aware of how addiction works, and it takes more for her to realize she’s been duped and he’s using again. I don’t really want to have her raising my children in place of him either, as neither of them really respect me or my parenting methods. I have simple requests like a bedtime that is enforced, not giving too many sweets, and eating vegetables with dinner. They don’t do what I ask, and they don’t have the patience, open mindedness and loving ways that I do. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to leave him, but part of me thinks I should sacrifice myself for the greater good of my children and not allow them to go visit unsupervised, with their father and his family, which will only happen if I stay in this relationship with him, where I constantly disappointed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  49. Deb,
    I have scoliosis and my lower spine is fused to my pelvic bone. I have had bulging discs and sometimes I can’t sit or move because of my back pain. I have never taken a pain pill for the pain. When the pain is severe, I see a chiropractor and take ibuprofen and do the proper stretching and icing. To prevent back pain, I do yoga, stretch daily, exercise, and eat right.
    Do you see where I am going with this? If you want to use drugs you will find an excuse, if you are a healthy person, you will find a healthy alternative. Those are simply the excuses addicts use to manipulate us and make us feel badly for them. He will continue to make you feel bad for him for as long as you allow it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  50. I need help to set boundaries as well as encouragement to leave him without the guilty feelings of causing him to feel rejected or to feel like I am abandoning him. I struggle between the idea of hanging in there and unconditionally loving him, and telling him I will only be with him when he is ready to stop using pain pills and get help for his back issue that is healthy. He has a legit back condition that causes him pain, but he has given up trying to get help for it because in the past, there were no good options.

  51. Mariam,
    You can do very little to stop someone from something they intend to do. when you do, you can expect lies and deceit. However, you do have the right to let your husband know you do not want to be in a marriage with someone who uses drugs ever! You need to be clear and when you make a choice that you will not be with him if he starts using drugs and hanging around with friends that use, you have to stick to that. If he does start to use habitually, you are in line for many years of what I help women here try to avoid. Once he gets a taste of that feeling and likes it, it is a slippery slope from there. Addiction, especially for those seeking out drugs, happens quickly.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  52. Hey Amenda. I need your help.
    I’m in a long distance relationship with my husband,he’s loving,caring,responsible etc (all positive traits) but recently he have started hanging around with drug addicts whom he calls his friends.
    Last night they made him dope something for which my man was guilty but one time he said ,”That drug gave him extreme peace.” These words have scared me,how should I stop him to have that daily and be an addict.
    Need Help!!

  53. SALAMUT,
    Why don’t you have any access to treatment? Even if you don’t have insurance or money, you can certainly check yourself into a hospital who cannot refuse you help to detox. You can try it on your own but treatment is a process that not only helps you stop using drugs but sets you up to never use again with therapy, treatments for mental illnesses, coping skills, tools, support. What you are trying to do is quit cold turkey and will power only lasts so long. I do not know what drugs you are on and I would not give medical advice but I can tell you this, you can only help yourself if you want to get better, your wife will have to want to get better, you cannot save her. That rarely ever works., that’s what this site is about, people who tried to save an addict but ended up destroying their own lives and the addict never stopped. If your wife is a prostitute and you stop, how are you going to feel watching her sleep with other men for money sober? I don’t think anything about this situation is healthy and you need to find help, any help you can get.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  54. Hi. First I’m a drugger too I’ve reduced my consumption to two doses a day one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I want to stop completely. What can I do on my own? I’m not on any treatment and don’t have access to treatment. Is there any medicines without doctors prescription that can help me from pain, distress, “Bayer” and sleep well?
    Secondly and the most important my wife too is a drugger. I want first to motivate her to stop drugging and prostitution. Please note that we don’t have access to treatment. What are things that I can tell her to stop? What should her do? How can I help her to stop? When she reduce consumption, she became sick and can die. What medicines can I give her (without doctor prescription). We really want to live our lifes together as good couple with children. PLEASE HELP ME.

  55. Paula,
    Has any of your attempts helped him gain sobriety? How much longer will this go on unless you make some changes? First and foremost, his job cannot fire him for seeking treatment, that is illegal, they have to allow him paid time off to deal with an addiction. That is just an excuse he is making. He is past the point where he can make choices, if he drinks every day to the point of oblivion then he can no longer make good choices, but you can. You can stage an intervention and let him know that things have to change once and for all. Please read Hope Street and other articles under my name for more information on how to do that. The key is to mean what you say and if he does not comply then you have to follow through with your consequences. If you have the ability to be on your own, then the only thing holding you back are your own issues and insecurities. Keep reading here, I cover all of them! Click on my name Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles will appear. You need to understand the reasons that you are putting up with this and keeping his secret. This is not healthy for you or your children. You have to find strength and do something. I know, it took me marriage, one child and 12 years to find that strength but my life has never been better since.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  56. Janice,
    There are no guarantees he was sober in prison. Obtaining drugs in prison is extremely common. When it comes to an addict, you cannot trust their words, he may have never stopped using but it does not matter, he is using now and not in recovery and you know deep down this is not a one time relapse. The next step is up to you. Ask yourself what you want to do. Do you want to continue on like this or make a change? What would that change be, because you have to understand you cannot change him but only yourself and your own situation?
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  57. My husband is a severe alcoholic but a functional alcoholic. He has a very responsible position and has for years and I wonder how he can make it all day at work. The minute he walks through the door he starts to drink. I have come to despise myself for staying, he has been this way for 20 years and I have let our girls see it all. I pray someday they will forgive me. I have no excuse for staying. I am also a professional and can make my own living. It has taken its toll on me. He never apologizes. He honestly is not sorry for the things that he says to me the names he calls me when he is drunk. He says he does not remember but I don’t know if I believe him. We have kept it a secret from his family and friends but mine know. He passes out drunk and leaves me alone weekends. Holidays. Vacations. He embarrasses us if we have company so we just stopped inviting people over. My life sucks and we need help he says that he will lose his job if he goes to rehab

  58. My husband went to prison (5 years) because of things he did during his drug addiction. He’s been home a year now and I noticed patterns that I missed 6 years prior has returned! I woke up this morning (2:53am) to the sound of him snorting! I couldn’t believe that he was actually sitting on the side of the bed snorting heroine while I lay there asleep! I confronted him, at first he denied but I noticed he was holding something in his left hand and he ran to the bathroom and flushed it!
    I waited FIVE YEARS, praying that he would not resort back to that lifestyle! Only to find out that he wasn’t home a year when began using again!
    I need help in understanding an Addicts mindset! I guess going to prison forced him to become sober!!!!
    At the moment he’s still trying to be normal, as far as paying bills, but I know this will not last!
    Crying for Help

  59. Greg,
    You have likely caused your family so much pain but I am glad to hear that you have opened your eyes to what your addiction has done to you and to them. There are no judgements here and this blog was created to help people so if you are willing to ask for help then I am here to assist to the best of my ability. I am writing my second book, the biography of an addict. The addict is a family member (not my ex-husband) who used more drugs than I want to write about from the age of 11 until he was 37. He managed to raise two little girls, live with his fiance and run his own businesses. I never thought that he would stop using drugs and as he was a part of my family I only prayed to God that something would open his eyes. He went through a good year of hell, in and out of hospitals and the psyche ward before stabilizing himself. Five years later, he is one of the most inspirational people I know. His life is dedicated to helping others break free from addiction. Not many addicts can make this transition but if you are willing to try, I think that is a start. Right now you need to check yourself into any hospital and go through detox. When they are ready to discharge you, you let them know, you have nowhere to go, no insurance and no money and you need long term treatment as you have been battling this addiction for 20 years and you feel like you will not be able to stay clean without treatment. Insurance or no insurance, you will be placed somewhere and although it may not be your dream rehab center, you utilize all of the tools they give you. You likely have an underlying mental health issue and may have been self medicating or the long term drug use may cause a mental health issue so make sure you deal with that in your recovery with the help of doctors or when you leave, you will be back to square one, finding a quick fix to help you cope. You have a long road ahead of you and a lot of pain to go through dealing with the emotions you have been avoiding for 20 years. You will likely be given methadone and I know that this is another road that addicts go down where they never get off or they go off and on while using again. If you choose this road, tread lightly and get off of it as soon as you can because this is just another band-aid to help you gradually get off, but for some it becomes a lifestyle. Get down to the root of the cause; which may be depression, bipolar disorder, or other issues and seek treatment for them. You may need short term or long term medication that will help you because if you don’t stabalize, you will not be able to truly learn the coping skills you need and be in the right state to make your recovery last. Right now you need help, don’t wait, don’t make excuses for tomorrow, go right now and check yourself into a hospital, you are sick and you need to be treated; after that, don’t give up until you can be admitted to long term care and from there, it will be up to you.
    Keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  60. dear Amanda, I am the husband that is the addict, I am a good husband I did work love my family and try to be the best person and father I could but now I have hit rock bottom. I was in an car accident that cause me to lose my job. I had insurance and was going to a treatment center but all that stop when I lost my job. I have been fighting my addiction for 20 years but don’t think I was putting my heart in it so being a good husband, father, and person was all a lie. Now that I have no job and nothing to fall back on I really have put myself in a position of losing my family forget everything else they are the most important thing in my life. They have always been there for me but I can’t figure out why I keep missing up. I don’t want to lose them and when I try to detox myself I can’t get through the first day. Heroin is the worst when have no med.s to help you in the first few days also not sleeping the first few days makes it worst. I need help bad and don’t know where to turn. I know it is all my fault and I have know one to blame but myself and it is sad that it came down to me hitting rock bottom for me to wake up. I don’t want pity I just to know what I can do to help myself. I don’t have insurance or no money coming in so what can I do. I will do what ever it takes to make myself better I don’t want to let my family down any more. I tired of hurting them they deserve better. Please if you have an answer my ears are wide open.

  61. Kyra,
    I know what you are feeling and going through. Trust your gut, not your husband’s words or his doctors. I ignored my gut and made excuses for 12 years with my ex-husband and ended up right where it began. You do not deserve this and the flip side is, wouldn’t your children be happier if they had one stable and happy parent as opposed to a father who is angry and a mother who is sad, scared, lonely and probably exhausted? That was a decision it took me 12 years to come to terms with, I loved him and did not want to give up but Kyra, this is not your fight, it is his. They are sooooo charming and can fool anyone and make you look crazy and that is why I wrote my memoir Hope Street, so that people on the other side of it don’t feel crazy and know they are not alone. Hope Street is my account of living with an addict, keeping secrets, feeling like I was going to go insance and I couldn’t find any book or site out there to help me feel like I was not alone. You are not alone, this site thrives for a reason and I hope you get to read Hope Street because I think it will help you see there is Hope for you and your children without him.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  62. Torn Wife,
    I know you are torn but when you have the strength, you must make the decision to make a change because he will be the one to do it. You are going through all of this, sober and I am sure taking on so much more with your children. For some of us, love, finances, fear of our loved one dying or finding someone else hold us back from making the best choices. You have to be at a place where you are ready to make good on your word, until such time, I wouldn’t make threats that you know you will not keep, this only makes an addict know these are empty threats and they can continue to do what they want. But when you are ready, arm yourself with support, strength and a plan to either have him go into a place for recovery or walk out of the door.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  63. I found out my husband was addicted to opiates 2.5 years ago. He is currently in “treatment” and goes to 12 step meetings 5 days per week. All the signs suggest he is still using, my guess is 4 days per week. He has managed a pattern of cleaning up to pass a drug test once a week. He is prescribed Suboxone by a psychiatrist and sees a therapist once a week. To be honest, he has the treatment staff totally fooled with his charm and charisma. He has folks believing that I’m simply being controlling. Therefore his treatment providers not only offer me no assistance, they make the situation worse. It’s true that I have no “proof” that he is using. I can very clearly see the consistent patterns of his use however. His moods are so awful the days he’s not using, it has become unbearable. He even manages every single week to come up with something for which he can be angry with me, therefore (only a presumption) “explaining” his bad mood and lack of engagement with our family. It has been a crazy roller coaster ride for the past four years as he has plummeted into addiction…got truly clean for 7 months…and now has spent the past almost two years on a roller coaster of relapses. I don’t enable daily behaviors but I do keep his secret. My justification to myself is that at least he is going through the motions of “treatment” which seems better than nothing. My confrontations are met with anger, resentment and blame. But, I stay through paychological abuse because my kids have no idea that their dad has an issue and they would be totally devastated if their life changed. They don’t deserve that. They didn’t choose this. Is he the man, husband, father that he used to be? No. Does he go through motions of life everyday…and stay home every night? Yes. I literally don’t know what to do anymore. I love him and want to be strong for him. I’m just not sure how long I can be on the receiving end of his anger and hatred.

  64. I have been Married for 13 years. My husband has always drank but now drinks and uses cocaine. It breaks my heart I live him so much and when i try to talk to him he always turns it into my fault we have 3 kids 15yo, 12, and a 9 yo. It breaks my heart for them to have to see him drunk they do not notice he is high but i do. Worst part his “good friend” whom also happens to be his manager at work is the same way they will go out on fridays or Saturdays after work and not come until the next day. I am at the point where i just want to leave him but at the same time i want to help him hut when he gets mad and starts insulting me it breaks my heart i am not a saint i have defects as well he just doesn’t want to understand that this hurts us all not just him. I do not know what to do.

  65. Jesica H,

    I know the situation you are in because I have been there. There are ways to cope, even when living with him but it requires you to take a step back, create boundaries, and focus on you and your children. If you can emotionally detach and try to separate yourself from the situation as much as you can it does get easier. There will come a time when you may want to leave and you can prepare yourself to do that, it doesn’t have to happen overnight. This sounds easy and I know it’s not but it can be done and you can do it. I was able to do it and that’s why I have this blog and my book, to help show other people that there is hope. Keep reading the other articles here, click on my name next to my picture and 35+ articles will come up. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction, going to Al-Anon, Or any other support group.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  66. Jackie,

    Please don’t give up hope on yourself. You deserve a happy life and YOU will come to a point where thou have to move on. Addicts are notorious for doing way he is doing and this could be the way it goes or it cold end. You never know and Otis a chance you take. I can add this, remember how imortant you are and that you deserve to be happy. Sometimes happiness can end up being something you didn’t expect it to be so keep an open mind. Let me know how the book resonate with you. It was writer not give you hope.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  67. Finding your blog has been helpful tonight as I’ve found myself in what appears to be hell. My husband of 5 1/2 years has developed an addiction to Pills. Last August I began to have hope when he reached out to me, his brother and dad to acknowledge that he needed help. We didn’t think about rehab as he just thought he could fight this on his own. Why I didn’t challenge that is beyond me. He was sober for 3 months before he bought pills on the Internet and went on what can only be described as a binder. I called his father to come and get him out of the house. We found his pills and got rid of them. After the Pills were out of his system he was able to again admit that he had a problem. He agreed to rehab then lost his job a week later. So he needed to interview and rehab for pushed to the side. We went to a new psychiatrist together who has diagnosed him with bipolar two. He started working out again and began to she a therapist. I allowed hope to shine through. Then 4 days ago I found out he ordered pills again on the Internet. And here we are again. He acknowledges a problem but I feel like I fight harder than he does. Not having a job is ruining his mental state. We have a 2 year old and another on the way. I feel trapped. If it weren’t for my daughter I would be gone. My dad was an alcoholic and quite frankly I don’t know is I can do this again. Sorry for the long message but there truly is nobody I can talk to about this. I feel so alone.

  68. Amanda,
    Thank you for this very helpful advice – particularly about dealing in actions and not just words, which can be so hard to actually do. When I see my husband struggling, all I want to do is comfort him and support him. He lies (a lot) to cover up his presciption drug abuse and it’s incredibly painful to be on the receiving end of what seems like very cold, detached lies. Once I use my sharp detective skills to sift through the lies (addicts do teach you to become incredibly perceptive!) and he realizes he has no where left to hide, he will give up fighting with me, he will apologize and promise to try harder, he will ask me to forgive him, he will swear that things for us will get better, and he will tell me that he is willing to do whatever it takes to get better. And I always give him another chance. I’m not naive, I just don’t want to give up because I try to believe he will change this time. We got married a few months ago, right around the one year anniversary of his sobriety. He went to rehab last year for prescription pill abuse and did so wonderfully in his recovery. After seeing him fall down for so many years, I was truly encouraged that rehab had finally “healed” him. But he recently relapsed. I was completely blindsided. I think our financial difficulties and stress from his work, on top of his general lack of confidence and weak personality (he’s always been handed everything in life), drove him to try to find a “quick fix” to make life easier when it got a little tough. I’ve been trying to help him, encourage him, discipline him, threaten him, pray with him… Nothing works. And I don’t want to live my life like this. I’m constantly suspicious and worried. We are newlyweds but we live like two strangers. I love my husband to the ends of the earth, but I don’t want to go through this every year. When he is using drugs, he is a different person and it can be extremely lonely. I want to start a family, buy a house, live a full and happy life. I can’t wait to buy your book and find comfort in your story. I know it’s different for everyone, but when do you think enough is enough? Do you live with a drug addict who you love, who you know has a good heart, or do you go before you waste to much time trying?
    Thank you,

  69. Marilyn,
    What can you do? What choice has he given you but to move on? He has moved on and as hard as all of this is, I think you need to do the same. Being in a relationship with an addict is isolation, because you isolate yourself with worries and concern for them. You lose yourself and it sounds like this is what has happened. It may be the hardest thing you ever do but if you could see there is another way to live and hope for you to have a happy and healthy life, you would find hope. I have been through many long years with an addict through children and marriage, my book, Hope Street, is an account of that time and I hope you can read it. I think you need to feel understood right now and find inspiration to help yourself. This is about you and you need to make new choices that get you to a better place. Do not give up…on YOU.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  70. Examy,
    It is never too late for anything but you cannot save him. You can only change yourself. Let the chips fall where they may for him because if he gets away with something or gets help because you asked him to, then he was not ready to do it and is just doing in under duress.
    published author,
    Amanda Andruzzi Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  71. My spouse and I were married as teens. We have 2 children together. He was my highschool sweetheart. Being a gentleman comes natural with him and I love him for that. I tolerated years of neglect and abandonment. When we were teens we never heard of crack or heroine. I ran from him because he was physically abusive. During that separation he met up with a bad crowd and never been the same since. We are in our 50s now and now he found a buddy female to share his life with.

    He now never returns my calls like he use to. I feel hurt it seems like this time is final out of all those years and I am in pain. I try to call him and either no one answers or the calls are ignored. I miss holding his hands and seeing him.

    For the past 2 1/2 years i could not tell him where i live. during our relationship he would call her and i will get angry and now she finally got him and i am hurt. He wont come home and at times he would tell me to stay in the car to wait and he does not return.

    What should i do

  72. i want to help my husband but it seems, from what i’ve read in your blog, depends upon the addict, when to submit himself for help…what if the authorities is already is looking for him?..and he doesn’t want to quit or accept my help?
    Is it correct to say that I will just wait…untill he ask me for my help? is it possible? Isn’t it not too late or Am I already late to seek help myself?

  73. Marie,
    I know that pain you experience and the fear of leaving. What is familiar seems like an old friend and we are afraid to let it go. Keep exercising, you should do things that are good for your soul and your body despite what he thinks about it. He might be angry because he sees you moving on and that is threatening to him. Letting go is hard but it is the the thing we hold on to the most that we really need to let go of. He is all you know and you need to find the you inside that needs to come out and find a life of peace and balance. He cannot give that to you, after 24 years you have every right to move on and let go.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  74. My situation sounds exactly like the young lady whis boyfriend smokes weed everyday. Except mine smokes crack. Good person but he smokes and has been for probably more than the 24 years we have been together. I am to the point like her where I just dont want to be with someone who smokes crack and right in our house like its no big deal. He doesnt think he has a problem because he has been able to maintain a particular lifestyle. He said his friends ask why I seem upset all the time and I am to the point where I dont care how much material stuff we have, i wanted the person I first met 24 years ago but the reality that I didnt know was he was using back then. It just wasnt as obvious. Now the comfort level is if you dont like it then leave. I left once before and he said what i needed to hear to get me back plus even went to one counseling session. Talked about our daughter and how she was the cause of our marital problems. I was seeing the counselor before he did and thought this is a good start. Thing is the counselor quickly picked up on how overbearing he is and asked that i continue to come but not my husband. My husband got high the same week i came back home and hasnt stopped. He thinks as long as he contributes he should be able to do what he wants. I have been exercising like article said and trying to live my life and he hates it. I think it has actually made him more upset. He thinks i have a boyfriend which is furthest from the truth. I am tired and the boundary that i finally decided to do is leave. I enacted a plan and everytime i think about leaving i get sick to my stomach. I dont know if part of it is the familiarity of being with him all these years and it was just easy to stay. But I am truly tired of the roller coaster ride. This is the only thing that will get him to see I am serious. I have an advantage being that everything we have is in my name. Even the business we have. It is his business because of other issues he couldnt put it in his. I am willing to walk away from it all including the house. I have a job that i have been at for almost 26 years and yes if we divorce he will get half of my pension but i dont care at this point. He will lose just as much if not more than me in this situation. I have tried everything including having my family member talk to him about getting physical with me. He was furious. My family member is a therapist by profession and he said my husband has a lot of pain. I know this because i have been with him all this time but can’t deal with the crack anymore. So i truly understand where the young lady is coming from about not wanting to deal with it even though he isa decent person. I have even been accused stealing money from him. We lost a son 17 years ago and I have not been the same. It wasnt his son biologically but he had been there. I am just tired.

  75. lily181926,
    Breath. Take a deep breath. I know exactly what you are going through. I did not know about drugs either when I met and then married an addict and had a child. It took me 12 years to understand what addiction really is. He is not sane, literally insane. He is on drugs and so he is not rational, honest, or clear-headed, and is not capable of using his mind the way you and I can. That is what you are experiencing. Your dreams of moving on are good dreams and now you must find out how to make that a reality and not worry about him anymore. Unfortunately you cannot make him stop, you can only save yourself and your children.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  76. Monica,
    Thank you for sharing. You need some support for you. You are being a single parent basically to three small children. Can you find a therapist, specializing in addiction to speak with? A local support group, al-anon? You need to realize your part in this and admitting you may be an enabler is key. It is hard not to be, believe me, I know. Please read the other articles here, click on Amanda Andruzzi, on this page and all of the articles will come up and I think you will relate to them all and find them useful.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  77. My husband just let me know that he likes to party every full moon. I thought all these years it was just weed. Which I have always demanded he stop. He embarrassly told me last night that he had done harder drugs such as crack. He won’t tell me what drug kept him out last night. He said he has to stop smoking and drinking all of it. Of course he is drinking today. We have 3 children 5 and under. I do Beleive I’m co dependent and enabler.

  78. Hi, I have what most of the people would say a big problem, I’ve been married for five years almost six, we have to kids, I love them to death, when I met my husband he was clean and everything was fine until one day he didnt come home for 48hrs I was very worried and since I didnt have any experience with drugs I tought it was another woman, after 1 month he went to jail for drug abuse and possession I was devastaded but in love, for five years he has been in and out of jail, selling and using, now that we have the two kids he just came back from one of his jouneys to jail like a month ago.
    A week ago I saw something weir on him, after all I know this men and I know when something is odd, I confronted him and of couse he denied it, lies lies lies, but I knew it and he said “I know what I’m doing I know how to stop”, NOT, like 3 days ago he went crazy again over some stupid question I asked, he went ballistic because I dare to ask something not even related to drugs some family thing, he treated me like if I was worst than the roaches from the drain, I imagine my life totally different, my own place with my kids and watch movies and have a peaceful family time but with him has never been like that, I’m very confused but I really want to move on, he has this talent to put me down and claims that I just think about myself when all I do is for them, I love him but I dont want this for my kids and me, I deserve better but I’m afraid he would hurt himself or he would OD this is hell and I dont know what to do, I really need help, please!!!

  79. Marie,
    Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you do not want to give up and so the only advice I can give you is that you should have boundaries and stick to them. Deal in actions, not words. He must prove he is clean and wants to be, not just words. And if your gut tells you he is using or lying, I would believe your gut feeling. I hope you find some help for you so that you can take care of yourself. Good luck.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  80. My husband has been on drugs off and on since he was 12 years old. His biological father only wanted him around if he was in the mix of drugs so he followed his father for approval and to have time with him. His mother slept around and partied a lot causing a boyfriend that she did not know well to be around my husband a lot. He hit him a lot and started to molest him for 2 years. The women that his mother would have around would pressure him and show their naked bodies to him at a very early age. His life was a train wreck growing up and in the past few years he lost his grandmother that was always there for him know matter what. He called her mom and his biological mother by her name. My hubby has learned to deal with his problems by self medicating off and on for years and recently he went deep into drugs and came to me in a horrible shape and told me he was dine with that life. Right now he is in the local hospital with a blood infection from using needles. He said he used only clean needles and has been tested for HIV and is negative but does have hep B and hep C. An awesome Dr. Is helping him with withdrawals with a medicine called serax. It helps the withdrawls not be so violent. His mood is a roller coaster ride and he also has been diagnosed with bi polar disorder. Praying for a miracle. He seems very serious about wanting help. He chose to be honest with the Dr and asked him for help. We have been together 15 yes. He has raised “our dauhter” that I had in a previous relationship and we have a 13 yr. Old son together. I plan to stay by his side through it all because my live is real for him and I really care about his health. Some days are very trying but I have never used and come from a strong family. I am also a nurse and a big family person. I’m hoping my positiveness and drive helps him see that life is great without drugs.

  81. Corrina,
    Thank you for commenting and I am always here to help. I know how this is, I am now a mother of 3 and it is the most difficult thing to hold everything together as it is, never mind live with an addict. I am so glad the book helped you feel like you are not alone. You are not alone and I know every ounce of what you are going through and what a toll it takes on you and your children. Please just take a deep breath and take a step back. The best thing you can do is to make a plan and do everything you can to work towards that plan. Perhaps, renting out a part of your house for extra income, getting a part-time job, or anything you can think of to ease the burden. Enlist support from friends and loved ones and try to figure out how to make it all work without him or with whatever support you can obtain for your children through your husband. You CAN DO THIS! You will be very surprised at what you can do when you don’t have a choice. There is hope and there is life after this. Little steps. You will be surprised how moving in the right direction will also lift your spirits and start to make you feel free from all of this. keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  82. Hi Amanda, I just finished reading the last page of your book with a tear in my eye and that same knot in my stomach not knowing what I should do to move forward, So much of my life is exactly what you’ve gone through and wrote about,the one thing that really stuck out to me was what you said about noticing how your daughter didn’t have the same bond that you saw other children had with there dads. That’s so true and that hurts the most. Although I’m in 20 years and 4 beautiful children later. Now that he lost his electrician job 6 months ago due to his out of control crack addiction hotels and locking himself in our garage for days . LIVING like that was a traumatic experience to say the least while I’m at home taking care of our 4 children. We are living on his unemployment and cashing out RRSP from his work. He is finally getting some help at a bible based in treatment facility 40 days now. The drama still continues though calling to meet him so I can pay for things he needs because has has no bank card but threatens to go get one if I question anything. I really can’t stand him for what he’s done to our family. Me being a stay at home for the past 13 years and him providing for us has left me in this paralyzed state of not knowing what I should do. Get a job ?Sell the house? But really where would I go with 4 kids , this is our home and is affordable to leave I would be paying so much more. I have had peace this last month him being there and not watching the account draining or fear he’s not alive. Sanity. I think I will read your memoir over again just to give me strength and hope and to remind me there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thankyou,

  83. West London Life,
    Break the cycle! Only you have the power to do that. Sometimes strength comes from deep inside us and we don’t even know we have it until we have to use it. You need to focus on you, healing and getting support so that you can find happiness on your own. It would be a good idea to learn more about enabling and CO- addiction. Read the other articles in my blog, click on my name at the top and other articles will appear that will really help you understandwhat you are dealing with. You have to learn how to let go and it may be the hardest thing you ever do but it is worth it.keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  84. Thanks for your blog Amanda , it resonates with me especially bring an enabler. I knew I was but coming across this Enabler article in particular reinforces and is so far helping me to make a change for myself. Husband I’ve been with nearly a decade, I married knowing he was a user. I was younger at the time, dad had died suddenly, his dad a year before. Thought I may not meet someone else I felt strongly for, decided to go with my for better for worse love for him . On the whole a ‘happy’ life but apart from him managing a great 3 years clean apart from weed, the cochineal has always been there. He owes me thousands, had stolen money, moving job to job, always someone else’s fault. I developed anxiety and lost any intimacy but he thinks it’s just my anxiety issues. Deep down I know it’s all interrelated. Wanted a child for so long but something holding me back I know it’s the addiction. I smoke some weed when he has it but mire habit not real desire. I have heard each time the sorry, the excuses, the promises after the pay day splurges. Sadest of all he was working with alcoholics supporting them to move forwards yet behind the scenes he was doing the same but maintaining normality going to work gym etc. Mainly coke occasionally crack. I leave go to my mums. Eventually go back as it’s my home same old pattern. This time I want to see it through and not go back. Not lend money til next pay day. Not forget it and hope it won’t happen again. I don’t deserve it. I have been an enabler. A good girl good qualifications good job his family were wondering why I would put up with someone opposite to me. When not on it a good laugh, fun, works hard domesticated determined but it’s the demon which returns once a month. I know I must do this for me, I can’t keep making excuses just because he is a good man with good heart does not make it ok or minimise it. Looking as an outsider I’d tell a friend the same but I need strength to see it through. Did it couple of times before left for good but always fell for the old promises eventually. Support services not great in London so feel alone. Smoking weed everyday I’m sure has made him more short tempered and much more easily angered, promises to give it up have not materialised.

  85. Angie,
    Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so glad you were able to connect with the book and that the site has helped you feel less alone. The number one reason I do all of this is to help other women and men and give them inspiration. I hope you are finding your way, on your own. It can be done and it is possible to move on to something better. Thank you again for commenting and feel free to keep me posted. I know this is a painful journey but there is so much joy and light at the end of it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  86. I have a situation I found out my husband is smoking weed again. We have 5 years of marriage in our 1 year I found out he was smoking weed we took and he gave his word he will stop and not do it again. Last weekend I found out he is smoking again. He was acting so different that I knew something was wrong I thought first he was cheating on me I started following him, looking on his things, asking questions. He was getting more aggressive and upset. I found it in his garage hidden. I confront him and he said to me it is my fault because Im constantly checking on him and it is the way to deal with my jelousy behavior. It was terrible I felt the word felt over me. I’m so upset about this situation and with him it is not fair he wants to blame me for his addiction and hurt me of this way. I don’t know what to do I think he denies his addiction. When he isn’t with weed he is very caring, honest and good man. I can’t cope with this situation what can I do ?

  87. My fiance over dosed on herion with our 1 year old in the back seat just a few days ago. We were to get married in august…I’m torn. He jeaprodized my daughter’s life and took his own for a few mins. I love him and hate him so much right now. I’m not sure if u should stop all contact for a few months while he enters a long term program, end it all together or be there over the phone for him. He is not allowed near my daughter or the home we were staying in, by child services.

  88. my wife is addicted to pain pills and alcohol. I have to work, and I cant watch her 24/7
    she needs in-patient treatment where can she go. we have very little money and no health insurance any help out there?

    1. Hi Mike. You can call the helpline number displayed on our page to get in touch with our trusted treatment providers and get informed about the treatment possibilities that fit your wife’s needs and your economical state. I hope she gets the treatment she needs and wish you good luck.

  89. Hi Amanda , ive Been reading this blog for some time , so many stories (heartbreaking ) I thought I was the only one going through the same thing.
    My partner and I have split through his cocaine addiction it’s been awaful . I really love him he’s recently just finished a detox program in Manchester too . I do hope he can stay off it now , it’s ruined everything luckily it’s my own house where I live with my 17 year old son . I have bought and read your book and you actually sound like myself !! I feel like ive had a life like yours but without the big money frauds !!! O m g !! You should be so proud of yourself you know !! Your an inspiration to us ladies out there battling through this .
    Thanks Amanda .
    Angie . X

  90. Amanda, I am not sure how to email you, so could you email me please, its about your book, I’d really like a copy and can’t afford it.

  91. Coventry Girl,
    Thank you for sharing. Your situation is something I see a lot. Marijuana is a substance that can be abused while still maintaining a normal lifestyle. If he is completely reliable and responsible and a good partner despite the daily use of marijuana, then it is not likely he will ever give it up. There are two things you need to look at here, does he have an underlying issue that he is self-medicating for, perhaps anxiety, depression, or another condition that this drug helps him deal with, and if regardless of whether you both disagree if he is an addict or not, do you not want to have a relationship with someone who smokes weed everyday????
    If he is an addict or not, there is just something that bothers you about loving a person who is dependent on a drug every day, I get that, but if he has no intention on stopping and his life is not being destroyed by it then I doubt he will give it up.
    What you can do is let him know this bothers you and that if he is willing, maybe he can seek therapy and try to figure out why he needs it and perhaps try other, healthier ways of dealing with whatever it is that makes him use. Perhaps he has severe anxiety and the pot just helps him relax and unwind, for example, maybe he can try cognitive therapy with a mix of some natural supplements, breathing techniques, and exercise to help combat the issue. If he can learn the skills he needs to cope with whatever he is trying to avoid he can accomplish the same thing without using a drug.
    However, since marijuana is becoming increasingly legal in the United States, you may have a harder time convincing him he has a problem, especially if he does not do any other drugs. The question really remains with you, do you want to be with a person who uses pot every day? If not, then you really need to make a decision to move on. I hope this helps, keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  92. I have a situation where my partner functions perfectly normally but he smokes weed daily. He literally feels the need to smoke it every single night without fail. We have rowed countless times and it’s often turned into me constantly nagging him and emotionally blackmailing him with suggesting a break up. We have reached a point where he thinks it’s perfectly fine to smoke daily and it doesn’t affect him and compares this to people drinking daily in a pub but deep down this hurts me I can see he is reliant on weed. We have had around 8 weekends in a row whereby we are arguing and never reach a solid conclusion besides me threatening to leave him. Apart from him smoking weed he is very caring honest trustworthy and understanding. He does any required chores and goes to work and always goes above and beyond for me and his family. But as his partner I cannot cope with his addiction. What can I do to resolve this as when I see him I feel great disappointment and have started to dream about coworkers as my mind is in conflict to leave him. What can I do?

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