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Zero tolerance for drug abuse: Lessons for families

Zero tolerance: Families and drug addiction

What position should your family take when it comes to drug use, abuse, and addiction? Here, we review why and how a zero tolerance for drug abuse can help you and your family. Then, we offer eight (8) crucial points for creating a safe environment when an addict is living at home. Your questions and comments about helping families of addicts are welcome at the end.

A drug user will use

We all have the same urges for pleasure. But even an addict knows innately that continued drug use hurts others. However, most addicts will not stop using unless they have no other choice. Most addicts will use until they can no longer get away with it. A drug addict will not only use drugs, but also use every person around them to meet their own selfish needs. A drug addict will manipulate and try to control those around them so they can continue using.

A co-addict will be used

Most co-addicts would agree that it would be easier sometimes to use drugs themselves and escape their situation, but they do not. In turn, they writhe in pain while they are being exploited by their loved one. For as long as a co-addict continues to feel bad for, empathize with, take care of, and have compassion for an addict, is just as long as an addict will continue to use drugs and take advantage.

Trying to distinguish the truth from the lies of an addict is pointless. When an addict is actively using, nothing makes sense because they will say whatever they have to, to get what they want. But still, a co-addict must understand that drugs are a WANT NOT A NEED. If we all lived our lives grabbing everything we wanted, when we wanted it, good or bad, there would be chaos. Why should the bar be set lower for those who are addicted?

Quitting is not easy but it can be done

To say that an addict can quit anywhere and at any time would be a bold statement. Drug abuse chemically alters the brain. Depending on the substance, there are an array of chemical reactions that take place while using drugs that cause a dependency and addiction. There is no denying that abstaining from drugs or alcohol would or should be effortless. Statistics on substance abuse show us that quitting and recovery are not easy and relapse is common.

But because something is not easy, does it mean it is not worth doing?

Recovery for addiction is possible. One way to get there is to create an environment and atmosphere that makes it impossible and uncomfortable for the addict to use. It is unlikely an addict will just wake up one day and stop using. It is the help, tolerance and enabling from family and friends that helps empower an addict to keep using drugs. So how can you do this?

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Crucial Points in Zero Tolerance

There are things you CAN DO to change your relationship patterns with an addict. But first, do not try and reason with a person who is actively high. Wait until the addict has slept it off for a while before trying to speak with them. If you keep trying to reason and rationalize with a person who is under the influence of a mind altering substance, you will be running in circles. An addict needs to see what their lives have become and how much they are hurting others. Drugs keep them from doing that. When you address an addict:

1. Explain your worries and concerns.

2. Discuss how drugs and/or alcohol is affecting the addict’s life and other’s lives.

3. Tell the addict you will no longer put up with their behavior.

4. Give the addict an ultimatum, and what you will do if they do not comply (they must leave the house, you will not speak to them, help them, give them money, bail them out, etc.).

5. Have a prepared plan of action that is non-negotiable (a rehabilitation center set up, inpatient program,

recovery plan, meetings, etc.).

6. Give the addict some time in which they can think about their options (a day, week, end of the month).

7. Give a specific date and time that they must address you about their decision.

8. MOST IMPORTANTLY do not go back on your word. If you make a threat, ultimatum or promise, you must follow through with it or you risk going back into the same cycle.

Zero tolerance sets limits

An addict will use as long as you allow them to, and in most cases they will not stop unless they realize they have no choice. Utilizing a zero tolerance attitude may be one way to speed up that process. There are no guarantees in addiction and recovery; you will not know how hard an addict will fall, how long it will take, or if it will ever take. Although it is not a guarantee for recovery, having zero tolerance for addiction can have great value for family members. It can allow loved ones to heal and stop being used and abused by an addict.

Know when to let go

After multiple attempts and failures at recovery, to let go of an addict and stop them from destroying your life does not mean you are abandoning them. Distance may allow you to help yourself and live your life again while giving the addict one less person to enable their drug use. The more family members you have on board with you, the more difficult it will be for the addict to be able to manipulate and continue to abuse drugs.

Get out of co-addiction!

Since addiction is a preventable disease, you should realize, at some point, to start using was a conscious choice for the addict. A family member of an addict must also make a conscious choice to change the path in which they are headed. Anyone who has been in a relationship with an addict can tell you about the hundreds of times the addict has promised to quit, denied they have a problem, and lied.

To continue to blame the disease and make excuses for an addict will help keep everyone involved in a cycle of addiction. It takes great change, courage, stopping unhealthy patterns, being firm, and serious about your demands to break the cycle. But you can do it!

Photo credit: Wiki Media Commons

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8 Responses to “Zero tolerance for drug abuse: Lessons for families
Amor
9:41 pm May 11th, 2015

This is good advice for maintaining a zero tolerance policy for drug abuse in a home with existing addicts. For homes where drug use issues come up for the first time, I think discussion is important. Lying or deflecting to kids about drugs is not a good idea. It can leave children wondering and experimenting because they’ve been misled their whole lives and can only trust their own experiences

Amanda Andruzzi
4:31 pm May 14th, 2015

Amor,
Thank you for your comment. I agree, shielding children to some degree may be necessary to not interfere with their innocence, but they know more than you think.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Frank C
9:11 am August 5th, 2015

Amanda…. I cannot believe how progressive this disease is…both for the addict and the co-addict. My wife was legally forced out of the house because of her long history of drug use(opiates and meth) we have four kids and they have witnessed and been around the craziness for over seven years. We are now going thru the court for visitation which includes random drug testing and weekly NA meetings. She refuses it all and thus cannot see the kids. She has now been kicked out of her moms house. She’s living couch to couch…and no one knows where’s she’s at. During this drama we have been discussing restoration and rebuilding our family which is impossible with the untreated addiction still going on. I know you understand the overwhelming pain I’m going thru. I love her but just don’t feel comfortable around her…a constant pain in my gut when I’m around her…as if my higher power is warning me….something ain’t right. She tells me tough love doesn’t work for everyone. I just know I can’t do this anymore. I say that but can’t imagine life without her…we’ve been thru so much together. I also am extremely fearful of her being with another man which she vehemently denies ever doing during her addiction…says that’s one thing she just can’t do. With all the lies and manipulation I don’t ever know what to believe. Thank God for al-anon… It’s had saved my life. I’ve got to figure out what I can live with and start to focus on me and raising my kids. I fear being lane but reality is I’ve been alone for a very long time even when she was home. You’re experience strength and hope are appreciated.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:29 am August 31st, 2015

Frank C,
I do know exactly your experience and I empathize with your situation, especially when children are involved. Please stick with Al-anon, perhaps even a family counselor and local support groups for you and your children might really keep your family in a good place despite what the addict is doing.
I know you love your wife but her keeping clean is not something you can force her to do. You can try an intervention but if that does not work then you must, for your sake and the sake of your children, start moving on to a life without her. I know that sounds cruel but you and your family deserve to be happy. You really do, even if you don’t see it now.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

RebeccA
5:06 am September 16th, 2015

my son is 16 and getting high frequently. My husband warned him he would no longer be allowed in our home if he continued. Today he is sleeping outside our home for the first time but in our yard. I am sick about it but agree that something must be done. I am also worried that e may try to hurt himself even though he has never shown any signs of this. My husband thinks he is too selfish to do such a thing. We have been struggling with anxiety and trying to get his medication increased but maybe the whole problem stems from the weed use. I am so confused if this is addiction is it a secondary problem and if so do we stay firm with our consequences if he really has an anxiety problem?

5:31 pm September 17th, 2015

Hi Rebecca. Have you looked into family counseling? If your husband and son are going into a direct power struggle, there could be more than just anxiety as an issue. While anxiety can trigger marijuana use, underlying mental health disorders can make the symptoms of withdrawal that much more difficult.

I’d suggest talking to a family therapist, your family doctor, and an adolescent addiction treatment center in your area to learn more about marijuana dependence, family of origin problems, and their resolution. Best of luck to you!

Aleida
11:17 pm March 5th, 2016

It’s been two months that my husband left the house without saying good bye . The last time I saw him he was looking under the bed looking for my mistress.. His hallucinations and parinoid is really bad. For the last two years it’s just getting worse.. This time he has not bothered us ( me or my two kids) he wiped out my bank account . I know he is dealing as well.. He has admitted to me that he needs help and promised that he will do it on his own. This time he hasn’t tried coming back. I haven’t tried looking for him because I’m just so tired of that life but yet I love him and would love for him to seek help. I’ve tried calling probation officer but I guess he comes out clean. Cuz he is still out and about.. I don’t know what to do!!!

Amanda Andruzzi
3:06 pm March 7th, 2016

Aleida,
You may not see it this way now but by leaving you and your children, he is doing you a favor. You are free to move on physically, we just have to get you to catch up emotionally. This takes time but you have to do the work. Any person who wipes out your bank account while you are caring for two children, is not someone you would urge a friend or your own child to be with right? Well you need to start caring for yourself the same way and realizing that you do not deserve this. You deserve much more. The work you need to do is for you and not him. At this point, you cannot help him and he does not want your help so you are left with one person to focus on and that is you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

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About Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.

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