Wednesday July 23rd 2014

My son is on drugs – What do I do?

#1 – Good for you for asking

As a former heroin addict, writer, and filmmaker, I’ve traveled around the country speaking about addiction. I have to admit, I’d be pressed to come up with a question a parent has not asked me about addiction. But this one is tough. As a warning: my advice may not be for everybody. Some health professional may think I’m too harsh. That’s fine. I’m not looking for friends or approval. My advice is free, I lived it. Here it is, take or leave it.

So why is it tough to know what to do when your son is on drugs?

I’d bet that about 90% of parents look the other way when they ask, “Is my kid on drugs?” and then learn of their son’s drug use. The majority of parents don’t want to believe that drug addiction can happen to their son. Why? Because they smoked marijuana and experimented with drugs as a teenager themselves. There are some parents that think it’s a natural part of growing up and commonly say, “My son will grow out of it.” Bottom-line, don’t be an idiot.

#2 – It’s not your fault

Why do people become addicted to drugs?  Even scientists don’t know.  But first things first. You must understand and believe it’s not your fault that your son is a drug addict. But it is your fault if you don’t do anything about it.

#3 – Be a good parent to your son

Your only job right now is to be a parent to your son. A parent should always be there to teach you, to be a mentor, to help him with decisions, and to be stern when needed. So the next part is easy. Be realistic! Go to your son as a parent who wants only the best for him. Don’t be emotional and ask stupid questions. In fact, never ever ask your son a question that will make it easy for him to lie to you. Because guess what, he will lie and that will hurt you even more.

Forget all the bull-crap, ego based questions dancing wildly inside your brains. Ones like, “How could this have happened to you?” Or, “Why could you do this to me! I gave you everything,” I hate to tell you, but both the questions to you son and the answers he gives are irrelevant at the moment. Here’s what you CAN do to be a good parent.

  • Find out what’s happening in your son’s life.
  • Work at convincing him you really want to help him.
  • Apologize for not seeing it earlier.
  • Act like you truly give a shit.
  • Truly, truly, love you son right now!

#4 – Expect either acceptance or denial

Now a couple things may happen when you confront your son about drug use. First, he could be truthful and tell you everything. That would be wonderful. Together, you’ll have a common starting point for help. The second reaction, denial, has a tougher response, but still a very winnable playing field. So let’s look at each reaction possible in further depth.

Acceptance is possible

Naturally, the easiest route is open communication. He’s truthful, accepts it, and together you find a therapist and a peer-driven self-help groups that allows everybody to contribute to a game plan, or a manageable way to confront the problem. Now even if he fails a few times, which he may, it doesn’t matter. You stay with the game plan, you continue to be supportive with love, and take it one day at a time, exactly as your son will have to beat this addiction, one day at a time.

Denial is more likely

Okay, so what do I do if he denies everything? Easy answer! Be stern. If your son is under the legal age of adulthood, go to your local drug store, buy a drug testing kit and force him to comply with your wishes. If not, take him for a physical exam and let a doctor do a drug test. Most times, your son will admit it before you have to act on either of the above choices. Why, because he’s smart and knows the test will not lie.

But what if he doesn’t? What if he tells you to go to hell? Easy answer! Be stern. Most states allow you to go to court and ask the judge for an order to place him in the joint custody of the court. After granted, your son will be forced to take a drug test and the result will have must bigger legal ramifications. Again, most kids fold quickly when they realize this is now the real-deal. Most kids don’t want a judge taking over their life. (By the way, I was too frightened to do this with my daughter. I thought the ramifications would destroy her chances for becoming a normal, well-rounded adult with anything like this on her record. Boy was I wrong. I almost lost her. If I had to do it over again, knowing what I know now, it would be court. She lost two of her friends to addiction. She got lucky and survived.)

Finally, what if your son is 18? What if he is legal in most states, and he refuses to do anything you ask? Easy answer! Be stern! If he refuses your love, refuses your help, refuses your restriction for continuing to live under your roof in a safe environment, kick his ass out.

Now some parents balk at my suggestion to boot their son out of their home. They tell me, “He has no place to go.” Or better yet, “No, I can’t kick him out, he’ll only get worse.” All of the above comments and any other excuses you can drum up are an exercise in being a full blown moron. Kicking his ass to the street will save his life. One thing I know for certain, allowing him to live in your house and continue using drugs, bring you one step closer to attending his funeral.

#5 – Ask more questions

Teenage drug and alcohol abuse requires that you be a parent! Save your son’s life! And leave us your questions here. We’ll be happy to answer them personally and as promptly as we can.

Photo credit: jamelah

Leave a Reply

212 Responses to “My son is on drugs – What do I do?
Jenn Smith
9:13 pm February 1st, 2012

AMEN! Very well said. Thank you for sharing this from a recovering addicts point of view. I’m the mom of an addict and sometimes I’m not always sure that someone who is addicted would agree with or appreciate the stern advice, much like your own, that I offer parents. It was great to hear someone else say many of the same things. Either it means I’m not crazy or we both are! :)

Sam Y.
12:53 am February 3rd, 2012

Thank you for this article. I’ve recently become an addict to spice for a month, smoking everyday but I realized how much stress this would have put on my parents. I’m set on quitting and kicking the habit.

Jenn Smith
4:29 pm February 3rd, 2012

Sam, as the mother of a teen addict I applaud you for realizing that you need to stop using spice. Please consider telling your parents that you need help and going to NA. You’ll need support to deal with your addiction. Good luck!

Chris C.
8:20 pm February 7th, 2012

This article is awesome! I think you said it very well. I especially like the part about finding out what’s going on in your sons life. A lot of parents have no idea what is going on in their child’s life, which is the root of the problem. Most parents immediately ask, “How could this have happened to you?” or How could you be so stupid?

Keep up the great post!

Nicole
9:43 pm February 13th, 2012

Thank you for this post. As a mom who found out in July of last year that my 19 year old son had a drug problem, I can tell you that the reason I found out was because I knew something wasn’t sitting right in my gut. A mom always knows, I confronted my son with a drug test and he confessed everything, more than I ever wanted to know and certainly more than I could possibly digest so quickly. He asked for help and agreed to do whatever it took. We quickly got him into an outpatient program 12 hours a week, we watched his every move, took the car, the phone, I even thought that I should sleep on his bedroom floor to ensure he wouldn’t sneak out at night. After 60 days clean my son relapsed, at that time I gave him an option…one was to pack his bags and leave or 2 to go to an inpatient program, under duress he chose the inpatient program. Begrudgingly though, which should have been my first clue that he wasn’t ready to do what it would take to work on his recovery. I now will tell any parent who asks my opinion, do not work harder at your child’s recovery than they do. It will never work unless they want it. After rehab, my son decided that he could drink again and quickly relapsed. I again offered to send him to a long term treatment program, he declined. At that moment I realized that I would no longer enable him by keeping him comfortable in his addiction and asked him to leave. He had one rule to live in my home, be sober. He didn’t see that as an option, so he kissed me goodbye and told me that he understood and walked out the door, that was three months ago. I am devastated and worried all of the time, but I love him enough to let go, get out of the way and allow him to find his pain, hopefully long enough to find his recovery. I pray each day for him, I keep in touch through email and text messaging. I hope he finds his way back to us, and to himself.

Laura R
12:16 am February 14th, 2012

My son was in and out of rehab 5 times. The last time he relapsed he was half way across the country, kicked out of his sober living home. We told him he was on his own, that he could go to the local Salvation Army or be on the streets. He was 21. He stayed at the Salvation Army for a month and then got into another sober home that he paid for with a part time job. He has been sober for 2 years now and will be graduating from a college, with a sober living program, this spring. Honestly, it was the hardest decision my husband and I had to make. It was the right decision at the right time.

Jill
1:11 pm February 14th, 2012

I have a son whose drug of choice is marijuana. Everyone thinks this is a soft drug. My son, however, is madly in LOVE with this drug. Everything he does and says revolves around this drug. It is his complete identity. All of his friendships revolve around this drug. He works to smoke. He is 19. He lives at home. He has spent every penny he has made and more on this drug (about 26K in 2 years.) He has a history of mental health issues (depression mostly) and disturbing thoughts. He also struggled through school. He can and does hold a job. Without his drug he says he can’t sleep, his disturbing thoughts come back, he gets extremely agitated and punches walls, cutting his hands, etc. He is choosing pot over any doctor prescribed medications. He has tried to sell pot, he has tried to sell medications that the doc has prescribed to him (for A.d.d. and sleep, etc.) We are without a plan of action, once again. Our relationship is about as good as it could possibly be given the circumstances. He does care about us and his younger brother and his other relatives. He thinks AA is a joke. He doesn’t want to hear anyone else’s sob story. He quit a treatment program because “it didn’t do any good.” He posts things about how great weed is on his facebook. We are worried sick and don’t know what to do.

Jenn Smith
1:47 pm February 14th, 2012

1) Put him and his addiction out of your house. He is over 18. If he can work to pay for pot he can work to pay rent to live some place other than in your home.

2) If you chose to allow him to continue to live in your home – if you find pot, any other illegal drug or drug paraphernalia in your home or any car of yours that he may drive – CALL THE POLICE. They will come to your home, take the evidence, and charge him.

If you chose to allow him to continue to live in your home and smoke pot you are condoning his behavior and allowing his addiction to run your life and the life of the rest of your family.

I found illegal drugs in the room of my 14 year old daughter. I called the police. They came and took the drugs. They charged her with possession of a controlled substance. She was sentenced to 9-12 months in a juvenile placement. This was not her first offense and I was no longer going to allow addiction to rule my home.

If it can be done with a 14 year old it certainly can be done with someone who is 19.

Good luck.

Richard Farrell
2:57 pm February 14th, 2012

Love, that is the only thing that will save your son or daughter. It takes intense love to toss your child out on the streets to fend for themselves. But in the end, most find their way back home! I’m not sure about other psychiatric issues, so I can’t really suggest anything there. But I know, I was depressed, I had crazy thoughts, and they were all do to my drug addiction. But you just can’t let him or her stay in your home as an addict. That is a prescription for death. Please believe me, it can happen to you. In the program, they talk about YETs… oR YOUR ELIGIBLE TOO!

Cornelia DeDona
6:15 pm February 15th, 2012

I agree! We did it-it took 14 rs. but it finally worked–our son is alive and healthy!

Catherine
3:11 pm July 4th, 2012

My daughter is 39. She has a 14 year old son. Almost all his life i looked after him and his mother on and off. She is addicted to smoking heroin. 10 years ago she was in a rehab for alcohol abuse amnd learned there about heroin from other addicts. She was in a severe motor accident 6 years ago whilst under the influence of heroin. i had to nurse her back to walking again after she came out of a coma. When her child’s father cheated on her after they tried to work on their relationship she started taking heroin again. i have helped her again the last 6 years but told her now to move out. She spends all her money on heroin she has left after just putting in enough petrol to keep a job. i am truly sick and tired of it all. In the last 2 years i got divorced as my husband got sexually involved with her. He gave her pills and she gave him a favour. In the time i was also poisoned with arsnic and almost died. i don’t care whether she has food or a bed anymore. She also can’t go to a rehab as she has no finances for it. She applied via the government and is still waiting for acceptance. i feel more worried for her son but decided that i can’t help her at all anymore. She has not stolen from me yet but she has stolen from her work and ex boyfriend. But i am doing this for my own survival and i realy had enough!

5:20 pm July 9th, 2012

Hello Catherine. I would agree with you that it is time to set boundaries and take a step back and distance yourself from your daughter. Drug addiction can compel some really nasty behaviors, and it sounds like you’ve been on the receiving end for too long. Have you heard about or tried Al-Anon? Also, what about counseling for yourself?

Catherine
5:40 pm July 9th, 2012

Thank youu for the feedback. Yes i have and she started going and stopped and startes seeing a psychologist from FAMSA again.

i have been for counselling wrt my husbands actions. But i have never realy had help with wrt drug addiction. i have been so busy helping her child and trying to survive that i have not been for councilling on that.
thanks for the advise and i will follow up on that. Yes just to know how to handle her will help so much.
Kind Regards.

Mary
8:13 pm July 22nd, 2012

My college-age daughter’s ex-boyfriend is abusing marijuana and doing other drugs such as mushrooms. Her ex was clean-cut and had outstanding Christian values when he started college 2 years ago. He was a very nice guy, but was a little gullible at times. He joined a fraternity and they made the pledges smoke marijuana as a hazing ritual. Until 2 weeks ago, I had no idea there were any drugs in their lives. I thought they were still that nice, amazing couple.

Everything blew up during a short summer session in college. He was exposed to and befriended an extra wild group of people. His 2 classes were easy and he was able to party almost 24/7 with these people and caused fights with my daughter. He was rarely sober and wanted to be with them rather than her and treated her so badly. Incidentally, these people did not expose him to new drugs – they just reinforced his drug and alcohol use.

Well my daughter was patient and thought he was just having a fun summer and things would get back to “normal” after the session ended. She was devasted when he broke up with her. She is a beautiful girl with a 4.0 average and many other honors. My typically self-confident daughter is close to a break down right now. Through long talks (and secretly reading her many undeleted text messages), I’ve slowly gotten a good picture of their chaotic sophomore year. She has smoked a little marijuana herself and I’ll be watching her closely.

Her ex’s mother is just like that article described. She even thinks his new friends are these great, fun people and feels my daughter is jealous and should lighten up. Although we’ve been great friends, I know she wouldn’t believe me, period. If I or my daughter showed her the texts, it would cause unbearable ugliness between my daughter and her ex. Although my daughter agrees with my husband and I that she must not communicate with or see her ex, she still loves him and doesn’t want to risk upsetting him.

My husband reached out to him by text hoping to talk to him. He used the excuse that he wants to explain why we won’t allow them to see each other (as friends). We don’t expect to hear back from him. It’s so sad – he used to be so respectful to adults and so dependable.

How long should we sit by and just hope he will get help? I really do care about him and I’m so worried.

4:50 pm July 23rd, 2012

Hi Mary. Thanks for your message. Ultimately, it’s up to this young man to want and seek help. So, he may be in this for a while. Once addicts or compulsive drinkers and drug users end their bingeing phase, or stop using altogether…regret and remorse usually hit strongly. If an addict goes through a 12 step program, “making amends” is a practice that helps bring humility and healing to relationships. When this may happen? Who knows?

You can express your concern to his mother, and communicate what you know (although you may not want to betray your daughter’s privacy) … but this is really where your responsibility ends. Additionally, it may not be realistic to “forbid” your daughter from contact with her ex boyfriend. It is, after all, her life. However, if you are supporting her financially, you may choose to withhold money should she start using drugs or alcohol during university. This could always backfire, ending in rift and resentment.

Your daughter might also benefit from joining Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery, 12 step programs that can support her in her pain but help her distance herself from her ex. I hope this helps. Can we support you in any other way?

Mary
7:52 pm July 23rd, 2012

Thank you so much for your advice and I am still considering the best way to communicate everything with his mother.

My daughter is currently spending much of her time with her closest friends and they are really helping. The Celebrate Recovery idea sounds like a wonderful idea. I will certainly make an effort to find a local group.

She does not want any communication at all with him because I convinced her that he would have no motivation to change the direction he’s headed if he knew she was going to be there waiting for him anyway. I hope I am right about that.

Furthermore, he was manipulating her and yanking her chains because he had the upper hand ( since he broke up with her). He wanted to stil be “really close friends” with her because he till loves her and he doesn’t want to lose her. I don’t know if another girl is involved or if he was just tired of fighting with her (his irresponsible behavior causing most of the fights). Anyway, I couldn’t allow him to keep hurting her like that.

She made it clear that we care a lot for him and they can be friend’s again when things are right with him.

Was I wrong about this choice?

Mary
7:56 pm July 23rd, 2012

Oh and I don’t even know whether he actually knows that WE know about the drugs. My daughter said she would tell him, but I am not so sure she did.

8:43 pm July 23rd, 2012

Hi Mary. How do we ever really know that we make the right choices? Our inner voice, the conscious contact with a Higher Power lets us know this. Search your heart and know that if you have peace and love for this young man, you’ve done your best. And please let us know if we can support you further!

Lyndsey
11:31 pm July 23rd, 2012

I have a 17 Year old son who after two rehabs sending to his fathers to live is back in my home dealing and doing drugs. He needs to be out but I have another 12 months til he is 18. I am tired and broke and have two other children that deserve a better childhood. He knows he has a problem but no desire to quit, he faces a felony charge for theft and just blows it off. I’m a single mom with no real support I can’t baby sit this almost adult. Therapy, rehab, intervention been there done that. What now???

11:45 pm July 23rd, 2012

Hello Lyndsey. I think that Richie (the author of this article) would agree with me – kick your son out! If he’s dealing and using, he is not attuned to the family values that you are setting up for your other children. Let him continue to make these decisions involving drugs away from you. Love him using tough love. And move on with the help of Al-Anon.

Catherine
1:55 pm July 24th, 2012

Hi, my daughter wentt ti a rehab centre on Sunday after waiting months for acceptance, through a government facility. Apparently it is 5 weeks. When she comes out she will hve no money or place. I already wonder ‘what then’??
Should I take her in is my question as I know she has nothing. Her jib where she earns about R1500 PM might be waiting as the lady said she may take her if she is clean and positive. But even rental here is around R3000 PM.
It seems almost impossible but I never give up hope!

3:45 pm July 24th, 2012

Hi Catherine. Yes, you can take her in as long as she is willing to submit regular (and random) drug tests. Plus, make psychological counseling a requirement, as well as attendance in support groups. Treat your home like a halfway house, with conditions for growth, and you may see positive results. For many parents, this is too difficult, so they just outsource it to a halfway house.

Catherine
6:54 am July 25th, 2012

Thank you for your feedback. I will jave to try this as she has at this staje nowhere else to go after the rehab.
Kind Regards
Catherine.

Wessel
12:10 pm August 6th, 2012

Please I need help!! My cousin Male 36 years old Married with 2 wonderful boys are on drugs: He’s been on drugs for more than 5 year but things are now getting out of hand, we send him to a Rehab centre for 21 days, not even 2 weeks after Rehab he used again. It’s now so bad he lost his job told his wife if she does not give him money for drugs he will sell her stuff for money! What do we do? His poor children…..

5:44 pm August 6th, 2012

Hi Wessel. I don’t know if it’s possible, or not, but you should probably take distance from your cousin at this time. He’s been exposed to recovery, been in a rehab, and rejected the teachings there. “Helping” him by providing him with money will simply enable him to buy more drugs. So, his wife, children and your family might consider a separation now so that he can experience the real-life consequences of drug abuse – NO MORE FAMILY SUPPORT. Of course, if he’s willing to make changes you can slowly give your trust back. But if he’s in active addiction, there is no power of reasoning possible.

debbie
8:45 pm August 6th, 2012

Hi my name is debra I have a friend who has a 15 year old son who smokes weed and has smoked magic? He wont go to school and his mother has had to pay £100 to dealers who have turned up on her doorstep because they say if he doesnt pay they will kill him. My friend doesnt know what to do. Should she throw him out?

debbie
8:45 pm August 6th, 2012

I have recently sent a message about my friends son. I forgot to mention I am in the uk.

1:46 am August 8th, 2012

Hi Debbie. Yes. It’s my opinion that if your friend’s son cannot respect the rules of her house, he should no longer have the privilege of living there. What do you think?

debbie
10:20 pm August 9th, 2012

Thank you for responding. My friend worries that if she throws him out she will worry about him constantly and she thinks more harm will come to him. She thinks that she will end up hurting more than him. She thinks if she throws him out that the druggies will get to him.

1:24 pm August 13th, 2012

Hi again, Debbie. The thing is – the dealers and druggies are already getting to him, arent’ they? It’s just that your friend’s son has a place to stay, and food to eat, and an easier time at getting the drugs that he wants. Harm is certainly possible if a young man lives away from his family and possible on the streets. But this man is making decisions and choices that are unhealthy, and is he is to learn anything, it is to take responsibility for his decisions. No school? Well, pay money for rent. Drugs? Find another place to live.

Has your friend sought advice and help from a social services agency yet?

Cornelia DeDona
5:58 pm August 13th, 2012

You can’t protect them forever! Sooner or later they will have to suffer the consequences of their actions. The thing is: YOU ARE NOT GOD
Do you remember what they tell you on the plane? First put the oxygen mask on yourself and then put it on your child. If your life is all about the addict–you are not following these directions. Get Help!

Cornelia DeDona
3:51 pm August 15th, 2012

I had to publicly unfriend my son on FaceBook. I also had to block him. He is 34 yrs old. His last girlfriend financed a trip to Arizona so he could get cleaned up, he stayed there for two days and is now in New York with his sister, who I’m sure thinks she can help him too. He is using them.My book Letters to a Prisoner by Connie D. addresses some of the feelings a parent experiences. It is not a cure all but it may bring you back to some kind of sanity. It is required reading at Habilitat-the place of change, a drug rehab in Kaneohe Hawaii where I lead a poetry group. Our latest You tube video is Chicken Scratch-bridging the Gap–Google me!

Frank
9:35 pm August 19th, 2012

It was a blessing to find this site for I am aware that someone else’s experience can give me wisdom on handling my 19 year old drug addict son. He is presently in the process of being kicked out of the military (after serving only a few months) for making unhealthy choices that were attributed to spice in which he is addicted. Believe it or not, it can be found in your local store. I am aware upon him being released; he will need a place to live. Now my way of thinking is this – either he stops using, enrolls in a rehab program or consider finding somewhere else to live. I have another son at home that I don’t want to be possibly influenced by my eldest son’s behavior. In addition, I want to protect the sanity of my wife and I. My question is – am I being too tough or are these healthy boundaries?

12:15 pm August 20th, 2012

Hi Frank. Yes, that sounds healthy to me. But you don’t need to make these decisions on your own…you can seek help and advocacy from a family psychotherapist who specializes in treating teen drug addiction. Or call the drug treatment center you’d like your son to attend and schedule a meeting to discuss his case, and an intervention. While I think you’re on the right track in terms of direction, you may need more assistance in planning and executing your boundaries.

Lily
9:04 am September 7th, 2012

My son is 18 he was in probation and rehab on and of for 2 years . He doesn’t want to get a job or help around the house. I kick him out of the house but he came back few days later . Last night he got a ticket for underage drinking and sintherhics . I’m just frustrated,how can I keep him from coming back home because obviously he doesn’t want to quit drinking . He enrolled for Collegue but he missed classes I kick his friends out but he goes to heir homes and get drunk . Tonight he left the house after hours. Came back at 3 in the morning I’m so mad at him for being so unconsiderate and irresponsible . His actions affect my mood and is being hard to be a good boss at work hard to be a mother and to be nice with others and is hard to concentrate at school . I never used drugs and I drink a couple times a year I feel so ignorant

12:27 pm September 9th, 2012

Hi Lily. The only reason your son came home is because you allowed him to. I’d suggest that you seek help with a family addictions counselor to talk about possible enabling behaviors and how you can “toughen up” while still loving your son. You need to set limits for what you allow in your house and then be able to enforce them if you want to see your son face the consequences of his actions. But you also need support! You can check online for a directory of psychologists in your area here: http://locator.apa.org/

Cornelia DeDona
7:15 pm September 9th, 2012

After you’ve exhausted all of your options and in order to regain respect you have to take back control. Are you married? Does your husband support you? Can you rely on him to help you enforce these rules? You can also choose to call the police and file a formal complaint. Sit your son down and explain what your boundaries and house rules are but if he doesn’t listen you have no choice. You may be saving his life. Give your son a warning first, but then you will need to follow through. No negotiating with the addict.

Lily
5:02 am September 12th, 2012

Thanks I will seek professional help I completely agree that I need to be tough and also not to negotiate. I’m single mother and he lived with grandma until 12 . Even if I’m strong and dependent person I can’t be that way with my son but I will seek help and hopefully my son will grow on a good citizen . Is there any books that you recommend so I can Learn to be tough with my kid ?

8:02 pm September 12th, 2012

Hi Lily. Check out theantidrug[dot]com. They have GREAT resources and reading material (for free) about parenting a drug addict.

Kelly Chapa
7:22 pm September 25th, 2012

It took me three years to finally get around to kicking out my son for his habitual marijuana use. He is now 21 and since he graduated high school (barely), he has been fired from every job or just walks away. He then promised to join the military which never happened. This past summer he was hospitalized involuntarily for drug induced psychosis. It’s the same patter over and over again…only getting worse. I’ve kicked him out two times but have always let him back in because he promised to change and stop. Finally he started getting angry and damaging our house. I called the police and he was arrested for criminal property damage. I then went and filed an order of protection so that he can’t contact me or come back home. I am hoping that being out on the street will finally do it. We’ll see as this only happened yesterday.

Jenny
5:21 am September 28th, 2012

I have two sons Christopher 26 , and Joshua whos 22. They are addicted to heroin and Crystal Meth. Their Dad whos a recovering addict from meth is now the enabler and myself have been down this rollor Coaster before with their dad. But, now he see what has become of his own sons now addicted to the same drugs he was on. This is what cleaned up my husband. Now he wants to help his sons. But, they have lied to both of us,stoled things from our home, The boys play against each other and One will tell me his brother is worse then him. Or they will convince me that when I would see needles laying around that they were dads stuff. But, in all it was their manipulating con games.We were at battle all the time. I’ve kicked out the boys for using drugs just as I kicked out my husband when he was still using. So, I’ve gotton lots of practice with bootin mefamily members to the curb. I will not tolorate drug using in my home. and I have learned through recovery you have to use tough Love. Love from a distance. I love them so much I dont want them to die. They know I have the upper hand. I have heard through their dad, they both say we just dont want to deal with mom.Shes nothing nice when shes mad.Well, I’m fed up. I pray every day that Jesus will get them in recovery. I’m also a recovering alcoholic of about 18 years clean. I went through in treatment and stayed for a year and 3 months I surrendered my will over to the care of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. After giving my will to him he took the addiction out of my life.For all you mothers out there Get in prayer. and pray for your children on these evil drugs.Prayers are powerful. God loves you and your kids. Believe with faith and comittment.

Cornelia DeDona
5:40 pm September 30th, 2012

I believe in a higher power too. I took my son to church did the whole faith trip, but you have to believe it. GOD will only take you so far and then you have to do the rest. Call the cops if you have to, just do it. You may be saving their lives. GOD put us here for a reason, a purpose. Your purpose may be to pray, mine was to write a book about it. Letters to a Prisoner by Connie D. is available as an e-book on Amazon and Blurb for Apple download. Letting other parents know that they are not alone. If you recognize yourself then you are an enabler. GOD bless you and your family.

Blaine
4:38 pm October 2nd, 2012

This has all been helpful to me. I am struggling with a 20 year old son who has an oxy addiction. He got treatment and suboxen for a few weeks but now has stopped going to help. He says he is cured. He did seem to be doing well. I think he is slipping back. He stays in the RV, not the home with me. He pays rent. He has a job, he works for me (not directly, but for a company I own). If I give him a home drug test and he fails, I will no doubt kick him out.

My question is, we have a zero tolerance drug policy at work. If he fails a home test should I fire him from work since in this special circumstance he knows that I will be allowing him to be employeed yet on drugs. Or do let the randoms at work eventually do it keeping home and work seperate?

1:18 pm October 3rd, 2012

Hi Blaine. It sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Whatever you decide (and it will be your ultimate decision), just be sure to inform your son up front about the consequences. And have you considered also testing him for Spice, the synthetic blend cannabinoids that acts like THC on the brain?

marcie turner
5:47 pm October 4th, 2012

This message really helped answer one of my biggist questions about what to do with my 19 year old who lives at home and does all types of drugs. I feel like if I kick him out then I am throwing a helpless child out on the road and if something happened to him I would feel like it is my fault, but at the same time for him to live under my roof and continue doing drugs, I feel like I am helping him kill himself. I like the statement about getting one step closer to his funeral, because that is what I am soo worried might happen if something doesnt change.
I am almost 40 years old and 6 months pregnant with baby #5 and losing a lot of sleep worry about my 19 year old son. (he has a 16 year old brother, 3 year old brother,22 month old sister, and a sibling on the way all here in the house) I feel like he may be addicted to smoking pain pills. He lived with his dad for the last 2 years who is an alcholic and my son had alot of responsibilities that were not his problems. He moved in with me 2 months ago. When I picked him up from his fathers house because they were being evicted, he was abusing cocaine. I felt if I didnt go get him he would of continued or ended up dead! He doesnt do cocaine anymore, but he has tried mushrooms, smoked pain killers, is a daily marijuana smoker and just recently almost OD on a fentanyl patch. I thought he had the flu but he came and told me to come lay with him before bed and then told me what he did. He does come out and tell me about some things, (which makes me feel like it is a cry for help) I have busted him smoking pain pills, and is also secretive about other behaviors. I have called rehab centers to ask questions about getting him help and also spoke with his dr. I am told there is nothing I can do because he is 19 years old and it needs to be his decision to get help. Now I have been thinking the only thing to do now is give him a choice to go to rehab or move out. But now he wants to move out of state, (because his dad moved out of state after being evicted) to go back and live with his dad, who is living out of a hotel and isnt even astablished himself. And his Grandma (his dads mother) is offering to pay for him to go to college where his dad is. His dad is offering him his girlfriends car and a job at her restraunt.
My son is suppose to pay me 30% of his checks for rent and then when he moves out I would give him back the $ as a saving account. The idea is to help him get the hang of paying for his bills (and not the whole chunk from one check) plus to get ready for the real world. He makes about $900-$1000. He pays $140 every 2 weeks to rent(his savings) and a cell phone bill at $82 a month. He always gets his phone shut off so he has to pay fees and late charges to get it back on, so he uses this excuse for not paying me the full amount of rent he suppose to pay. He is a smoker and spends about $112 a month in cigarettes. Altogether he averages at total of $490 in monthly bills which leaves him with $400+ spening money a month, but is ALWAYS broke and doesnt ever give me the full amount due for his rent so actually has way more for spending money. I worry he is spending majority of his money in drugs. Even though he comes and tells me some things, I still find empty pens cut in half or tin foil squares in his room. I know something needs to change and he needs to get away from all his druggie friends. As a mother I need to know what the right thing is to do to help my son without doing anything to harm him? Do I kick him out now, try an intervention with the family(my side and his fathers side), or just let him go live with his dad and allow everyone in the family to help him? I just wish that if I kick him out the the rest of the family would back me up and not give him money when he asked or the things he needs. I feel like the only way he is going to come to understand that he truely needs help is when the consequences are so severe, which brings me to tears!! What do I do? My mother feels to keep conviencing him to go to a rehab, but he thinks he can clean himself up and doesnt need help. But he is still using! He tells me his dad is his best friend and needs to go live with him. I know it is because dad allows him to drink and party in his house, buys his cigarettes and gives him money when he needs it. I do not blame his dad for doing what he feels is right because he too needs to get help for his drinking so he has a disease himself and is doing for his son what he thinks is right even though I feel it causes our son more harm than good. My son says that life was way better when he lived with his dad because he was allowed to have friends over, fun times, and sex. I have too many rules in my house and it wasn’y until he moved into my depressing place when he started doing more depressing drugs! Please help me help my son! What do I do now? I want to help him, not let go!

1:21 pm October 5th, 2012

Hi Marcie. Have you considered drug testing your son, as well. You need to draw a line about what you will accept…and let you son face the consequences of his own actions rather than “save him” time and time again. 19 years old is old enough to know what is right from what is wrong. And have you considered looking into possible issue of codependency for yourself? Do you have any help in the form of a therapist to guide you through this time?

marcie turner
6:18 pm October 5th, 2012

I have been in a parents group at church and counsling. That definetly helps me with managing and dealing with the stress but does not help me to know exactly what to do with my son. I get alot of feedback to kick him out or do and intervention with family. I feel like even if I kick him out then he will just turn to other family members that will help him, like his dad and grandma. I do not feel if I kick him out that he will have to suffer any consequences but he will just feel the rest of the family loves him and I do not! I really need everybody in our families to back me up on this so we are not getting one step closer to his funeral. Kicking him out is like jumping from one frying pan to the other. So then what? He will never learn if everybody just keeps him comfortable in his addiction! I am so scared to just let go and let reality teach him. I feel like he will still end up dead either way :(

marcie turner
11:15 pm October 5th, 2012

By the way, with the drug testing, I have asked the dr to drug test, but unless he agrees to a drug test, they will not do it for me. And my son says I already know he would fail if he took one because he smokes marijuana. I think I am going to try to do an intervention with the whole family and if that doesnt work then I have no other choice but to kick him out! His dad doesnt feel it is necessary but to just have him get out of this city away from his friends and move in with him in another state, even though he is living out of a hotel himself. Is there anyway to stop that from happening or just let whatever happenes happen if I have to ask him to leave? Thanks for allowing me to vent. This is just something, being pregnant, I am not dealing with very well!

dmbaker
10:24 pm October 6th, 2012

Hello,

The situation with my son is way over the top! Not only is he a drug addict and does all the things that come with it, he is also bipolar and severely depressed. In fact, he’s had mental problems since he was a small child. This summer alone, he’s had three stays at a mental hospital for threatening suicide. He always had a feminine personality so everybody always thought he was gay, including family and most importantly, his dad. His dad is also a drug addict and has basically disowned him. Before that he said some pretty mean things to him. The kind of things that you never forget.

I’ve almost lost him in two major car accidents, he went to jail for about 6 weeks, but still, he tells me that he doesn’t want to be alive and hopes the drugs do kill him. I’ve had him committed but he lies to the doctors…AND THEY BELIEVE HIIM!!! Today I learned that he’s driving around in the truck he just got high on Xanax, heroin, and smoking meth. I gave him a formal eviction notice that still has about a week before the cops will step in and make him leave. These same cops patrol my subdivision and if anything, in my opinion they made things worse by not arresting him four years ago when they caught him red handed. They all know what these kids are doing in here but are not helpful at. There have been two teenage deaths from drug overdose in my subdivision alone in the last year. They always act like its such an interruption when I call. In fact, I just called them to tell them what I learned today and all he said was “well, we’ll have to catch him in the act” but why not try to spot his vehicle since now they know the condition he’s in while he’s driving? One of his friends told me that she’s been seeing him out and he’s so wasted she doesn’t know how he could drive there or how he would make it home. I asked them if they could at least do something when we know he’s out somewhere about to drive and he just said to let them know but even then they might not catch him.

So, I honestly do not know what to do from here! What I do know is that he’ll be safer in jail, sadly.

Cornelia DeDona
12:32 am October 29th, 2012

I sometimes want to roll up and die myself. My son says he can’t stand me. I stopped enabling him a while ago and nothing has changed. I still don’t have a son. He first started using Meth when he was 20 yrs old, he is now 34, almost 35. This is hard stuff. I’m focusing on the present, staying in the moment and taking it slow. Life has dealt its hand and I am making the best of it–still, it isn’t easy!

Momma P
8:47 am November 4th, 2012

Thank you. These blogs have been very helpful to me. My husband and I have given our 18 year old son the choice to stop his drug use or move out. We gave him a time limit to tell us his decision and it seems as though he got 10x worse within a couple days. So now we will be telling him to leave sooner since he’s made his choice. It kills us to watch his behavior. It’ so sad. We caught him in the past while he was in high school and he followed our rules (counseling, MA, random drug testing, taking his car away, and projects around the house to fill his time) and stopped smoking. His addiction has been marijuana. Who knows he could be doing other things now. But now that he’s graduated HS, works full time and goes to a vocational school, he’s started up again. We tell him everything else he does is so amazing. Good manners, respectful…although doing drugs in our home is NOT respectful, people love him, he’s bright…I just don’t get it. We’ve always been a drug free and alcohol free home. He has 3 older siblings who love him dearly and none of us get it.
You made the comment be in your kid’s life..always have been. He is very open sometimes too much.
I feel everyone’s pain in this blog. We pray everyday and have many friend’s praying. I know God will prevail. But it is sooo hard. We love our son so much.
This blog has helped me confirm he must leave asap. I have the same fears of him getting worse and doing unimagineable things. It makes me sick to my stomach. I like the advice of the person who said put your oxygen mask on first. I keep telling myself that.
I pray for every parent writing. I pray our lost children will be found by Jesus and live the vibrant life that God has planned for them.

Cornelia DeDona
4:19 pm November 4th, 2012

I pray for that too. My son and all the other children and adults caught inside the false world of addiction. It makes me think of the old Superman/ Legionnaire comics and Bizzaro World, where everything is backwards. We have to survive and be a shining beacon for the lost ones. We have to be strong so that they can one day rejoin us. I used to smoke cigarettes, while I was smoking I didn’t know or care what I smelled like or what I was doing to my lungs. I had a strong person in my life, my husband, who wouldn’t give up on me. It wasn’t until I finally stopped that I realized how destructive and disgusting my habit was. I stopped 21 years ago. The addicts don’t even realize what they are doing to themselves, they need US to tell them and to do everything in our power to convince them that they can not only survive but THRIVE without drugs, that their lives can be so much more. I’m never giving up! For whatever reason GOD gave me this mission, who am I to whine and say NO? Still we’re human, so I go to the experts and to forums like this for pep talks and give myself a break when it becomes too overwhelming and then I get back on the saddle again.

Ben
10:07 pm November 7th, 2012

Definitely depends on what he is using in my opinion. If he is smoking weed then honestly don’t even freak out about it. Just sit him down and talk to him about how drugs like marijuana are pretty much all fun and don’t pose real risks, but drugs like cocaine and heroin are not something to even try once, it just is not worth it. If he is on hard stuff already, talk to him about it, tell him you care about him and love him he has to stop or he is really going to get hurt, and really hurt those around him. Give him a little time, give him some chances and all the help he needs whether it be just talking, rides from bad situations, anything. If he doesn’t try or your efforts clearly are not working, then it is straight to rehab, cannot let him think you are f***ing around and just let it continue for too long like so many parents do.

Martha
1:59 am November 8th, 2012

My 18 year old is addicted to fake weed and I just found out a few days ago. His friends knew but they never told me until he left the house to live in his truck from parking lot to parking lot. I have seen him exhibiting unusual behaviors since last April 2012 but I explained it all away to “teenage” years and hormonal changes. Some of these behaviors have included verbal abuse, punching holes in walls, vomiting after coming home in the early morning hours, physical violence and fist fights, breaking dishes just because I asked him where he was, telling me that I am stupid, making fun of me in front of his “friends”, denying using any drugs, hallucinating, and paranoia, among others. He has no motivation to look for a job (he has a Welding certificate as well as a GED diploma) Before he started using spice, he was a fun and loving son talking about a bright future at a vocation that he realy loved, about counting the days to become 18 and to legally be able to work, etc…Now he does not talk to me, he never returns my calls, and he ignores all his old friends. He treats his dad, my ex husband, the same way. We are at a loss….this is happening right now and it feels like I’m talking about someone else’s kid—not my own! HELP!

1:29 pm November 13th, 2012

Hi Martha, It might be time to talk with a family addictions counselor about what’s going on in your life and how you can help your son address problems with Spice. Otherwise, you can call 1-800-662-HELP and ask for referrals to three (3) social services which help parents address teen drug use. I say three to keep it simple and to make it easy for you to follow up and ask for help.

Martha
5:17 pm November 13th, 2012

thank you so much…I already feel better to know that there are other parents dealing with similar issues as mine. Thank You for your BLOG!

Jill
12:27 pm November 15th, 2012

Ben, when you say that marijuana doesn’t really pose any “real risks” I completely disagree. What if you spend all of your money on it? What if you love it so much that your free time is spent watching Weeds, and other shows that are all about marijuana, the marijuana industry, and the like? What if you only have weed smoking friends? What if you never take any positive steps in your life because you are completely devoted to your weed habit? One of the biggest problems that I see in drug ed and in the popular mind set is that weed doesn’t pose any “real risks!” That’s simply not true. I have a 20 year old son who is LOST to weed. I want this party-line that marijuana doesn’t pose any “real risks” to be exposed for the truth, that for some people it absolutely DOES pose real risks.

I just spoke to a woman whom I haven’t seen in 35 years – since high school. She quit smoking pot 8 years ago at the age of 46. She was smoking 3 joints a day since she was a young teen. That is a sickness! It ate her entire life until she quit!

I wish people would WAKE UP and realize that it IS harmful on so many levels, not the least of which is taking SMOKE into your lungs every day! Hello!!! That is NOT good for you.

I pray every day that son glimmer of light gets into my son’s being and that he follows that light – that he builds on it. My prayers have gone unanswered and it is extraordinarily painful to me that not only have my prayers gone unanswered but that because of this my faith is crumbling. There is no Divine Intervention even on the tiniest level. To me that is cruel that God wouldn’t reach out and touch this precious one as he self-destructs. OK – free will and all that. I get it! But I am asking for a glimmering seed to be planted. An attractive seed so he can see it and move toward it. No such thing is happening.

I will shout it from the roof tops – Marijuana has REAL RISKS.

Momma P
1:56 am November 16th, 2012

Jill,
I totally agree with you! My son is 18 and is exactly where your son is. Weed is his life. He says what’s the point in life if you can’t do what you want. And it makes me very sad because there was a day when he was full of life and purpose without drugs. He’s so deceived right now. I must continue to have hope. It may be many years from now, but hope is the only thing that keeps me going.
You sound like you know The Word pretty well, as do I. We cannot lose our faith! God IS faithful! If your son was ever a Christian, God will not let him go. God leaves the 99 to search for the 1. Keep praying and when you can’t for a while, that’s ok. Let your friends pick up and pray. Take care.

Jill
1:26 pm November 19th, 2012

Thank-you, Mommy P. I need to hear this. Each day is a challenge. I try to just keep holding him in love as I do love him so but hope flags. That is when I/we need the help and hope of others.

Jody
5:34 pm November 23rd, 2012

Richard,

My son is 21 and addicted to opiates & snorting heroin. Four years ago he was running at the state level for long distance, had a very bright future and college’s looking at him. Today I look at him and it’s like some evil being has sucked the spirit right out of him. No mother should ever have to see their child on heroin. It’s absolutely horrifying!
He admits & knows he has a problem. He did go and sign up for some out patient classes, as he has no insurance. But he still is going and hanging around w/ the same group of people and he was “high” as a kite yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner with extended family, which I’m sure is going to raise some questions. We also have a 10 yr old who is knows his brother has a “problem”, and is starting to ask a lot of questions.

gwendolyn
6:16 pm November 23rd, 2012

My daughter just turned 19 a couple weeks ago. She is very intelligent and got a partial scholarship to college this fall. Last spring however she met some very bad people, one whom was her “boyfriend,” however as soon as she wrecked her car and totaled it in a ditch at the beginning of summer they ditched her like a bad penny. Well, we shared a car for the first few weeks of college and then I helped her buy a car from her uncle, after one week of having a car the horrible friends were back. I wake up at 4:30am to see her in her car with the ex-boyfriend and some other digenerate sitting in my driveway. Now everything is all about these friends who smoke pot, + who knows what else. They don’t have jobs, don’t go to school, are the dregs of society. She talks like a hoodlem now and talks about drugs and inappropriate things in front of my two boys. In the spring when she hung around with these people. One of my sons Ipad was stolen & another had playstation games and accessories stolen. Recently she has stolen $40 I had sitting out to put in birthday cards,she has asked if she can give plasma, & wants to sell some of her things. I payed for her college books, which were stolen out of her car along with her purse, because she hangs out at such nice places. I pay for her phone and car insurance. She apprecaites nothing!! I asked for the phone back one day. She wouldn’t give it to me. I had to physically take it. She then hit me, scratched me, and bit me. She will not follow any rules in my home. I had to kick her out. She came back so I asked my aunt to take her. She says I deserve an award for being worst mother ever. I had no choice. What else can I do to help her hit bottom sooner. The only thing she cares about is worthless friend and getting high. She used to be such a good girl.

Momma P
2:12 am November 27th, 2012

gwendolyn.
You did what you had to do. I’m so sorry. It’s really hard to go through this with a child you love. We put our son’s car in his name as well as his phone. So he is responsible for car insurance and his own phone bills. We didn’t want any association with the things he would use to call people about drugs or drive around or with them. My daughter has a friend who is on probation because her exboyfriend robbed a store and he had a phone with her name on it. She had already been broken up with him for awhile.
Before my husband and I say or do something in regards to our son, we ask ourselves will this help and/or heal. Your daughter has chosen to move out because she did not follow your rules. This move to your aunt’s may bring her to rock bottom and I hope it does quickly. I don’t take anything personal that my son says to me out of anger and while he’s on drugs. Hang in there.

DereksMom
1:03 pm November 27th, 2012

My daughter is no longer living in my home. I thought I would give her a chance not too long ago, and allow her to stay here again. Once I found 3 bags of syringes hidden in her room, and a bent spoon that had burn marks on the bottom, inside her pillow case (I was removing her sheets to wash them). So I kicked her out again.

Recently, I made the mistake of contacting her to see if she was OK, since I hadn’t heard from her in a while. Now, she is telling me she will be in danger if I don’t pay her cell phone bill to keep her phone active. Should I pay it? She tells me she’s not on drugs anymore (I refuse to believe that), but two girls came to my home last week looking for her; they said she stole $250.00 and a methadone-based prescription drug from her. I asked her if she called the police to report this, but she didn’t; they looked like they themselves, just got out of prison.

his mom
2:58 pm December 3rd, 2012

My 45 yr old son who has been clean for many yrs.has a beautiful life/wife, and now works helping others to seek a way out of the madness he once was in, has just (4 mos.ago) informed me ,(his 70 yr old mom) that he was an abused child….. and that abuser was ME .
Oh my God, i’m so tortured and so completely devastated by this , that I can’t go even one day without getting severe anxiety/panic attacks. I cry almost daily, and sadly. this is affecting my other two sons.
He says that he was deathly afraid of me while growing up.
(although he never showed one iota of fear all the time he was growing up.)
He excelled in so many things, and all of us were always dancing to his tune. His brothers never complained when we had to drag them from event to event for their brother….EVER !

His fear of me, is based on the “true fact ” that I always yelled, threw food out when I got so frustrated ( that happened approx. 8 times) and put Tabasco sauce on his fingertips (ONLY ONE TIME) so he wouldn’t chew his fingers .

He also said that his therapist is convinced that I was the sole reason for his taking drugs,and him turning out the way he did. He has told my son that he was an abused child >>>BY ME..

I had to do every single thing for my sons without the help of their father, whom , I might add, is the sweetest man I know.

But his Father felt that his job was to work two jobs….pay the bills….. and all the rearing of our sons was soley my responsibility.(HENCE,MY YELLING, way too much at THE BOYS)
I was at a loss, and so frustrated, and felt that I was all alone
To this day, his Father will do anything to avoid a confrontation.

>> My two other adult sons are constantly trying to convince me that their brother is wrong in his accusations. But I still cry.

NOW, He told his Father that he will become a GRANDPA for the first time this coming Spring, but, he has never told me the same good news.
My heart is broken…… I don’t know how I will live with this.

PS: I might also like you to know that he was ashamed of us because we didn’t have the fancy up to date cars /homes/ money that the friends he associated with had.
We never told him how obvious he was in those feelings to us . It certainly did hurt out feelings.
Thank You for any advice sent my way.

Thomas
2:53 am December 6th, 2012

Hi,
My wife’s nephew is from Bullhead City, AZ where he lived with his grandma. He has been using drugs for yrs. After Thanksgiving he came back to Ca with his mom. Witch also uses drugs. Last Saturday he told his mom to take him back to Bullhead City where he was planning on getting more pills and get high. Me and my wife told him to come live with us in CA for a while to help him. Now he wants to go back to Bullhead to live with his grandma were he used for yrs. We keep telling him you are not cured and you have a long way to recovery. But his grandma is not being supportive with us. And thinks she can help him. So now he wants to go back. I can’t keep him because he’s 19 yrs old. But I’m hoping to get some feedback so I can show his grandma she is making the wrong decision letting him come back.
I’m also a recovering from drugs. I’ve been clean for 25 yrs. If you can reply to this ASAP would be great. We want to help this kid but not getting any support from grandma.

Thank You,
Thomas

hart broken dad
1:57 am December 8th, 2012

i just put my 19 year old son out of the house due to spice, i am sitting here crying like a baby GOD i hope i did the right thing and it will help him turn his life around

Jill
7:14 pm December 8th, 2012

So sorry that you are hurting so much over your son. There is no real way for us to know what is the right thing. Just keep doing the best you can from day to day and reevaluate things if new insight or evidence presents itself. Best of luck to you and your son. I know how much it hurts.

hart broken dad
9:20 pm December 9th, 2012

still no word from him this sucks

Sheri
7:36 am December 11th, 2012

I too recently (in week 4) Kicked out my drug addicted verbally abusive son. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do, but it does hurt a lot. I have only heard from him twice and both times he blamed me for all his problems. There comes a time when they have to learn the hard way if they are not learning by our example. Hart broken, I feel for you a lot.. I know what you are going through. Just please be firm.. YOU may have just saved your son’s life. I will pray for you and your son.

richie farrell
7:07 pm December 11th, 2012

dear heart broken dad:
i wish i had more time in my life to answer all and every question. But Sheri comment, “YOU may have just saved your son’s life,” is 100% correct. Stand firm! Your son must come to the conclusion that he is responsible for where he is right now. He made the decision to take drugs. Therefore, ultimately he made the decision to leave the house. I’m a heroin addict with over 25 years in recovery. Read my memoir, I had to stop the madness. It may hurt, but you can do this! Stand firm.

Cornelia DeDona
7:17 pm December 11th, 2012

This is a hard time to keep boundaries, when everyone else you know is celebrating the holidays. One fantasy I have in the back of mind that keeps cropping up is, come Christmas Day, some magic will happen and he (the addict) will come through that door HEALED and we will all be magically HEALED and we will live HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!
Unfortunately, life is not a fairy tale and sometime it SUCKS big time. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing Repeat after Me–YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!! REALLY!

Fearful mom
6:09 pm December 14th, 2012

We have a 30 year old son who, after living on his own for 6 years, came back home to live two years ago. A few months ago, I found a clear capsule containing remnants of white powder in my car in the cup holder on the passenger’s side. I was suspicious as to what the substance was since it was in a clear, unmarked capsule. I’ve never experimented with illegal drugs, so I’m unfamiliar with them. After researching it on the Internet, I came to the conclusion that it was cocaine. Since my son had borrowed my car for a few days while his car was in the shop, I determined it was his. I confronted him and he told me it wasn’t his. He said he had given a co-worker a ride home from work and it must be his. I told him I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but if I ever found evidence of drug usage again, he would have to leave the house and I would give the evidence to his stepbrother, who is a police officer. He is a waiter at a very exclusive restaurant. He works 4 evenings during the week and weekends. My husband and I work days, making communication with him difficult. Recently, on several occasions, my son was awake and throwing up when I was getting ready for work in the morning. When I questioned him about it, he blamed it on an upset stomach from something he ate the night before. Last month, I discovered a small baggie containing remnants of a white powdery substance under his bed. We confronted my son again. He once again denied it was his and offered to take a drug test. We gave him a deadline as to when the test had to be taken. My husband, my son’s stepfather, is in business for himself. As a requirement for employment, he makes candidates take a drug test, so he has a contract with a company that does this. He gave my son the document he needed to get the test taken. The day my son took the test, the nurse told my son that she could not accept the sample because it was cold, which indicated he brought it with him. She asked him to give her a “fresh” sample and he said he was unable to do so because he didn’t have the time. She notified my husband. My husband told my son that he has until today to take the test. He told my son that if he chooses not to do so, he will have to leave the house and find another place to live. My husband and I have been reading the advice given on the Internet about how to handle this situation, but feel very inept. We have stayed very calm dealing with this situation. We haven’t reported this to the police and we are not sure whether or not we should. Please advise us as to who we should talk with to help us, help him?

hart broken dad
11:13 pm December 16th, 2012

Sheri: i will take all the prayers you have to give I believe what he is on is spice and he is still out there somewhere GOD i hope he straightens his life up

Lisa
8:41 pm December 31st, 2012

I have a 19 year old son that was recently kicked out of the military for failing a drug test. He had served less than a year. Prior to joining the military he had no goals and was constantly on the border of getting into big trouble. We just knew the military was what he needed. Boy were we wrong!! He came home in October and in Nov we allowed him to start living with us. After a month of still smoking marijuana,no job, complete disrespect for us and his younger siblings. Every other word out of his mouth is a curse word and his response is its a free country. The day after Christmas I kicked hjm out. I had had enough of him. Everything else we had tried which included Doing everything in our power to help him and motivate him were not working and I am desperate to help him before things get worse and I know they can get much worse. His only Desire is to smoke weed and mooch off everyone and I refuse to be a enabler, and I can admit I am pretty sure that had been my role up until that night. He has still been invited to our house for family things but is told if he acts disrespectful in any way he will be asked to leave. We have told him he is welcome to come home If he wants to follow our rules and become a productive, law abiding citizen but I’m guessing right not the marijuana is more important.

Kicking him out was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done but I know if we don’t make some drastic changes there is no telling how bad he will get and everything we had tried doing before obviously wasn’t working.

We will continue to pray for him and if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions I am open for anything.

Jill
12:55 pm January 2nd, 2013

Addiction creates liars. My 20 year old son came home last night smelling of alcohol and red-eyed at 1:30 in the morning. He stood in the kitchen and completely denied being anything but sober and claimed to have abstained all night. I said, then someone must have poured alcohol on you. He says, “It happens” as if that was a plausible explanation. They lie in the face of all evidence to the contrary. I feel your pain. It is so hard to be lied to, to know that your son or daughter is doing things that could be harmful to self and others. I, too, am struggling with this situation. I cannot put him out on the street. He has a history of depression and other mental health issues. I don’t think I could sleep if I thought he was out there driving around or getting even more deeply into drugs. I’m at a loss but something has to change. Wish I could be more helpful to others, that’s for sure, but I’m right there in the thick of it with you.

Sheri
1:32 am January 3rd, 2013

Lisa, It is so hard, I am right there with you. Have seen my son only twice in 2 months after kicking him out (20 years old). I have joined al-anon and it has been a lifesaver for me. There is a series of books called “Getting them Sober” by Toby Rice Drews. The books and alanon have really helped me out a lot… Best of luck. I understand your pain.

Shannon
12:32 pm January 6th, 2013

I have an eighteen year old daughter,who has had a drug problem since 2011 when my husband,,her daddy was killed,,in march of 2012,she was still 17,i had her arrested and put in detention for trying to make drugs,,she got out on her 18th birthday,,she was attending councelling on probation she was working and everything seemed to be going ok,,how nieve could i have been! tonight i was going to bed and i heard her walk out the door,,and she left her door open and i went in,,,on her desk was a needle and a packet of something i took to be drugs the corner of baggies,caps,,,,,i took it all and got rid of it and called her back in the house,,and told her what i did,,,and asked her if she wanted help,,i told her how much i loved her,and would do anything to help her,,,she didnt want to hear me,,”i threw 150.00 worth of her dope away”i asked her were she got the money and she was to happy to tell me she had sold the gifts i got her for christmas,,, she then packed her things and left my house,,,i pray GOD watch over her,,i am truly broken my sons the oldest 22 the youngest 16 both told me i did the right thing,,I PRAY GOD brings her back alive!

Justin
11:38 pm January 11th, 2013

Let me start by saying I’m a teenager with a lot of experience with the battle between drugs and parents. Personally, I see it as a simple choice that shouldn’t be made into a big deal. But parents don’t always know how to handle it…here are some mistakes I’ve seen happen:

DO NOT SIGN HIM/HER UNDER JOINT CUSTODY OF COURT! I cannot emphasize enough the harm that this will do. When he/she fails the drug test, she will be required to take another one….and it can only get worse from there. I’ve seen parents lose their kid because he didn’t care what the drug tests said. Yes, YOU CAN LOSE CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD all because they wanted to have a little fun.

DO NOT REBEL AGAINST IT, they will rebel right back but even harder.

DO NOT CALL THE POLICE. EVER. You can threaten it…but do not ever call the police or you will ruin the bright future your child has.

Now what you should do:

UNDERSTAND why your child is doing it. Is it a social thing? Is he/she depressed and looking for an out?

DO NOT START SAYING YOU CAN HELP. This is not a good idea….because most likely he/she doesn’t want “help” and will be deeply offended the moment you say that.

THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO is to accept the fact that it is something your child does. It does not mean your child has no future. It does not mean anything besides that he/she wants to get high for some reason. If your child respects you, which he/she will if you’ve always shown respect back, they will not do it under your roof and they will have boundaries. Be thankful that they’re not in jail or involved in court. Look at the positives in their lives. Chances are, drugs won’t interfere with their life plans.

richie farrell
12:33 pm January 12th, 2013

What? That is insane! Justin, first I totally respect your teenage response, however I feel an obligation to respond. I’ve buried far too many friends, attended far too many young teenagers’ funerals, and visited far too many prison to let your teenage advice stand. It’s simple, readers, if you or your loved ones are suffering from the insidious hold of drug addiction – seek professional help. If my mother did not kick me out of the house and call the police 26 years ago I would not be writing a script for an A-list director today. Please, my advice to everybody, read, read as many book as you can from people who have survived and thrived! And, seek help from professionals in your community. Again, Justin, no disrespect, keep writing your opinions, I sincerely love the fact you took the time to express yourself, however, as a former real, bad-guy junkie- the advice you’ve just given hundreds of hurting people is not correct and will not help their suffering. Peace and love everybody!

k
8:24 pm January 12th, 2013

I don’t know what to do. I’m waiting for my 47 year old meth addict brother and his 51 year old alcoholic gf to please die already so we can be in peace. My greatest fear is that my mom who has been kicked out of her own house because of these two may also die one day because of the constant stress. Whenever there is a disturbance in the house, my enabler mother rushes to the house, calls the police on the gf, whom she cannot kick out of her own house anyway because the police says the issue is between the son & his gf. I feel so helpless, this has been going on for over 10 years. It has driven everyone out of the house including my dad, myself and other siblings. We’ve given up on my mom. I’ve given up hope, but everytime I hear about another incident at my moms house, my heart goes out to her, but I just cannot do anything because she is the decision maker and she herself needs an intervention because she has been in denial all this time about my brother….

kim
5:40 am January 13th, 2013

i Have a 21 year old daughter who has had diabetes since the age of ten,
diagnosed with bi=polar at 13. and has been a drug addict since about 18 and also an alcoholic. I have had her in rehabs three times. My other children are telling me that I am an enabler and I probably am, but i do not how to handle the diabetes if i put her on the streets. I have done that before and failed due to her diabetes. She has no job and no way to buy insulin and will die without it. She has stolen over 25,000 from me last year in cash , jewelry, forged checks etc. I have let her go to jail before for 71 days but the jail did not take care of her diabetes, they dont care about it. if i put her completely on the streets and she goes into a comma and dies I could never get over it.
Ideas anyone.

Carrie
11:36 pm January 16th, 2013

My Brother in law is heavily addicted to heroin, crack, whatever he can get his hands on. He was sober for 5 years… He was out of the country, and called us saying that he was in a bad place, and wanted to die. My husband and I drove 16 hours to get him. Got stopped by the Border patrol, went through hell and high waters for him. He got into a detox by some miracle, and left after 2 days. Say’s he is good, and wants some money to get back to the Country where it all went wrong. He says he has a support system there…??? We have all told him, he is on his own now. No money, no place to stay. Everyone in the family is telling him no. Unless he wants a ride to a rehab he is cut off. But it feels so wrong. Is a total cut off the way to help him?

K Miller
4:22 am January 20th, 2013

My husband and I are waiting for our 21 yr old son to come home so we can take our house key and tell him he can not come to our home again. He has been smoking marijuana since he was 17. We have had hell stopping him. At 19 we kicked him out. He was so strung out on marijuana, spice and possibly meth….that he finally came and asked for help. We got him in a rehab. He lasted 2 weeks. He came home with us. Promised to work, and would no longer do drugs. We agreed on rules to live by and the payments he needed to make to us to repay us for the rehab he didn’t finish. He got his first paycheck and has been high ever since. He’s smoking spice. It has this lingering effect on him. He’s so STUPID!!! It’s like his brain has just desintegrated! He lost that job but just found another one. Found out tonight that he sold some of his brothers things. I hate having him in my home. I have to sleep with my purse in my room. I swore I would not tolerate him stealing…and now he’s done it and now I have to kick him out. I am miserable! I had a brother who was an addict….is in prison for life as a habitual criminal because of drug use and stealing. I can not believe I have a son who has chosen this life! It is almost impossible to function right now. My husband and other son look to me for guidance….I don’t know what to do. I’ve always been the tough one, the one to do the hard stuff, but always fixed everything. I can’t fix him and it’s making me crazy. My heart is broken and I can hardly function. This has brought me to my knees. I’m lost and scared. Emotions I am not familiar with at all. I can not even begin to imagine a lifetime of a drug addict son. Not sure I can do this.

VICTORIA
10:12 am January 20th, 2013

THIS IS VERY GOOD AND VERY HELP FULE

Momma P
9:49 pm January 21st, 2013

K Miller,
Your comment “this has brought me to my knees” is the answer. We cannot change a person’s belief or decision to do any certain behavior. But we do have a God who created each one of us…the addicts on drugs and those who are not. God loves each of us equally. Those of us who know the truth about drugs must continue to love and gently teach to those who don’t know the truth. That certainly does not mean loved ones on drugs are to be allowed to take advantage of us and abuse our emotions. My husband and I told my son and all our children…This is a drug free home. If you CHOOSE to do drugs then YOU are CHOOSING to not live here. The truth is that you did not kick your child out..HE CHOSE to not live there. Does this help our pain…..No! But hopefully it will help us to focus on the truth.

I promise each parent, mother, and anyone else writing on this blog…that I will be on my knees for my son and your family member. God hears our cries and He is able to change the hearts of our loved ones.

Kate
4:19 pm January 24th, 2013

Thank you for your great advice! I think my son is close to addiction, shows all the signs, but denies it strongly. I will do the test as you suggested. I would like to contact the school too, or what is your advice? Thanks!

VICTORIA
11:08 am January 28th, 2013

i think this post is really brilliant and helpfull x v

Fiona bain
6:14 am February 5th, 2013

My son is 21 and was living with me addicted to pot! He has every answer under the sun as to why he should smoke it! Recently I found out he was dealing acid trips! Which obviously means he’s doing other drugs! I experimented with drugs when I was younger, and had/ have friends that still do recreational drugs. I choose not to anymore! He has now moved out with his girlfriend and I have no idea what to do! I have alwys listened to him but have never told him not to do drugs or what he is doing is wrong! I feel like a hypocrite if I do, but now he is dealing I am very afraid of what is going to happen to him! And worst of all knowing I know what he is doing and not doing anything about it!
Please I would love to hear your comments good or bad!

David
8:57 am February 5th, 2013

My stepson (17 years old) recently moved in with us (his mom and myself) from living with his dad in WI. I noticed today my stepson was not acting himself. Slurred speech and losing his balance while walking around. I was very suspicious since he does have a history of smoking marijuana and has taken pills before while living with his dad. I asked him if he had been drinking or taken any pills. He denied it and went off to bed. Later my wife and I went in to his room and tried to wake him which took a while to do, because we were worried about him. He finally got up, ate something, and I noticed he was bumping into the walls. I finally told him I will be on your ass until you tell me what’s up. He admitted he took my hydrocodone (5 pills), 3 Clonazepam, and 12 Gabapentin. He told us he did all this earlier this morning, and has been high all day. I wasn’t sure if I should be taking him to the hospital or what. This happened over 12 hours ago, and he was breathing okay and was coherent. Only symptoms at this point were slurred speech and some stumbling here and there. He sat down with us and admitted he has an addiction. He admitted he was taking any pills he could get his hands on as well as smoking marijuana. He said he would make different kinds of cocktails (taking a mixture of pills). He admitted he does anything to get his high and is addicted to the high, not necessarily to a certain drug, but just wants the high any way he can get it. He broke down and is willing to get help. We will be finding someone he can talk to first thing tomorrow. You always think teenagers will be teenagers; boys will be boys; but I didn’t see this one coming. Never would have dreamed he was addicted and the things he has done to get his “fix” as well as the types of drugs he has been taking. Take notice to how your kids act and take action immediately when you have that “gut feeling”.

pam
10:59 am February 5th, 2013

not sure if 28 year old son is taking any kind of drugs but please inform me as to types of drug tests and how to do the test…thanks so much

San
6:16 pm February 6th, 2013

Ugh! Where do I start? I have so much to say/ask. :( My heart is so crushed..Our son is an adult. He is addicted to anything he can get. He was such a brilliant and loving child. We thought he would be our over acheiver in everything throughout his life. He is still intelligent and caring, when he is sober. When he is not sober, it is downright scary. The way he looks, the way he acts is undescribably heart breaking. He has continously stolen from family members, even obtaining access to financial institutions of family to make withdrawls and obtain credit. I have no idea how he gets through all the security features each time. He has sold personal belongings of family members..even that of the innocent toddler nieces and nephews. Its just so fruustrating. He is constantly asking for money, convincing us to believe his stories as to why he urgently needs the money. (illness, transportation, food, probation, pleading, tears….you name it). He gets us so flustered with continous calls and pleas that most of the time we give in just to put the daylong stress of calls to stop. It engulfs our entire day. But we have been stronger with him and saying no. His calls to me have dwindled to almost a standtill since I have been saying no and sticking with it since his last stint which I found out to be another untrue reason for the need of the handout.
More than a few times have researched and set up conversations/appointments with shelters, programs, churches..etc. But have yet to find him using any resources we suggest. He will have one excuse or another to excuse him from using any assistance. Leaving us thinking he is lying on some park bench in the cold with no food..again, heartbreaking.
He has been in 2 rehab (?I think that is what it is called) programs, after $$$$$ thousands collected through our own and loving,concerned relatives each time.. he has checked himself out early ( 2 weeks into the programs ) with no refund of the monies.
He lives with his father on and off until his father just says enough. But always ends up back. His father has been told he can not deny his living there unless he gives a notice of eviction or something like that.. I don’t know, that is their deal..He can not live with me..500 miles away and circumstances that make it so that it is not possible for him to live with me.. besides him being well over the age of living with parents..~His father and I have been seperated since he was 18. When he would come for visits he would insist he is clean but will claim he has a cold and will over medicate on cold medicines to the point of barely being able to keep his eyes open, swaying and breathing/coughing funny. One time he would keep going into my bathroom for over an hour at a time, vomiting, coughing and moaning.. I kept kocking and asking if he was okay… when he came out he was drenched and looked horrible, fidgety, scratching his face,head, arms and body and saying he is sick. All the while, acting concerned but not letting on that I suspected anything..But inside being stressed as heck. Later I found one of my spoons (burnt on the bottom) and a bag full of medication hidden under my sink. I took it and hid it from him and he snapped saying it was medicine for his latest illness.. I just felt helpless and defeated. Unfortunately, I gave the medication back to him and drove him straight to his father who was in town visiting also. I felt so ashamed of myself for not knowing what to do nor the ability to handle the situation. I failed my son.
Note: There are no other family members suffering from an addiction or unhealthy lifestyle.
There have been many, many more incidences involving this drug but it would take me days to recall and write.. :(
Our son is now awaiting a jail sentence. Seems everytime he gets taken in by the police, he gets released for some reason or another..thinking that just being exposed to what it is like in jail ..how could he not be intelligent enough to stop using, turn his life around and want to be a honest, healthy, clean law abiding and successful person? This is his first Drug related charge, the others have been for theft. The sentencing is pending :(
All this has made his father so miserable towards everyone. He is so negative and depressing towards our other children to the point that they are starting to avoid him also. They feel short changed for being the good children. So sad. They miss their “old brother” and their caring and easy to talk to dad.
Can’t an intelligent person think intelligently about how to ward off temptations?
We love our son unconditionally but we do not love his demons.
I don’t even know what to ask..? For advice of what we should do?Advice on how to do it? Advice on how to deal with this? Advice on what lies ahead? Just so lost.

Angela Chase
11:07 pm February 6th, 2013

My grown son has been on drugs for at least 6 yrs. he is 24. he dropped out of college in his last semester! He is getting married next month. His girlfriend hates me, because I won’t to help him. She will do anything to keep a hold of him. she is even a school teacher in HS teaching English! the two of them have people thinking I am the psycho!!His dad won’t help or don’t care. I am afraid if I say too much I will never see him again or he might get in a rage when he is on drugs and has an assault weapon,Marijuana is his drug of choice. he does it all day and night seven days a week. What can I do by myself?

mom
5:25 am February 7th, 2013

I am frightened for my child…..hes 18 and i dont know whhat to do…im bein told hes on pills and msybe worse….how can i help him…i want to believe him but from a reliable source..im bein told its coming from his new job……we have been told stuff in the past and have talked to him……..i love him but i dont know how to stop it….ive been praying to god for answers but i m lost…….how do i help…..

Terese
5:37 pm February 7th, 2013

My husband and I have confronted our 15-yr-old son about his drug use – mainly weed – and he admits he does it (and has failed drugs tests several times) but he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it so he doesn’t want to stop. He says it’s fun and it’s not harmful so what’s the big deal? So what do we do in this case? We grounded him and told him it was until he tested clean, but he just sneaks out of the house or does what he wants when we’re not around, which we can’t be every minute. He seems to have Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but has never actually been tested for any disorder. But he is quite defiant towards us and our authority. Please advise us. Thank you.

Momma Gil
8:54 pm February 7th, 2013

Momma P
I hope your son kind find the reason in his heart to quit. I have been living with an addict for almost 15 years. He goes from pot to pills to meth back to pills always smoking the pot. Most of the time, except for the financial aspect, I have been able to endure his highs.
Now we have 3 children at home and I feel he has lost his mind. He has started smoking that “pope” – spice. That is all he thinks of. We can not afford it.. I think he has taken money from my purse, my children’s banks, pawned stuff. He doesn’t eat right, doesn’t sleep good. His employment has been affected and he has absolutly no joy, no hope.
This K2 is too much. No one knows the long term effects and I think it is “legally’ killing our loved ones.
I have had to leave this in God’s hands and I see slowly answers to my prayers coming. I will pray for your son. Good luck.

Momma Gil
8:56 pm February 7th, 2013

Sorry my last post was to K miller.

Momma Gil
9:28 pm February 7th, 2013

Kim, it is very hard not to take care of the ones you love so naturally it is easy to enable her.
You have to be strong. Pray.

Zack
9:58 pm February 7th, 2013

so sorry for what he and you two are enduring but I guess that now that you know you will do what is right as you mention here–have him see someone before it is too late; death is just one bad OD and it is all over. Sure, over for the addicted but not for those left behind. I want to congradulate you for taking action–”take notice to how your kids act and take action immediately when you have that “gut feeling”, as this is essential to everyone. I do hope he can overcome this addiction (with treatment, he well could) so that he can have a better life and not become a number..

Furthermore, I hope I am mistaken, but sadly, his dad might be his enabler (typical in most divorces–one parent is the ‘good’ guy while the other is the ‘bad’ one—the one that sets the rules. So see if his dad knows about his addiction and see what insurance he has for him to get him some help.

My best to you for being a caring person.

Angela T, Chase
6:33 pm February 8th, 2013

Thank you so much for getting up with me. I liked your comments. the only thing is my son is 24 and getting married next month to SCHOOL TEACHER WHO IS SMOKING WITH HIM TO KEEP HIM. SHE WILL LIE FOR HIM TOO. hER MOM THINKS i AM THE PSYCHO ONE!! mY SON HAS A REAL BAD TEMPER WHILE ON WEED.aT TIMES HE DOES ANYWAY. hE HAS BUSTED INTO MY HOUSE BEFORE WHEN i WAS TRYING TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS, AND i WAS SCARED TO DEATH. hIS GIRLFRIEND NOW AND HER MOM CAME UP RIGHT WHEN THEY SAW HIM SCREAMING AT ME AND THROWING THE CHAIR AROUND. tHE MOTHER GOT MAD WITH ME, AND TOLD ME NEVER TO GO BACK TO HER HOUSE. THAT SHE WAS KEEPING MY SON FOR THAT NIGHT AND NO ONE WAS GOING TO HAVE HIM THAT NIGHT BUT HER.!!! tHEY ARE ALL ENABLING HIM. i THOUGHT THE SCHOOLS CHECKED THEIR TEACHERS FOR DRUGS. i QUESS THEY DONT. hE HAS AN OUZZIE OR ONE OF THOSE LIKE MACHINE GUNS, AND i AM AFRAID TO SAY TO MUCH. hIS DAD WON’T HELP AT ALL BUT HELPS TO ENABLE HIM ALSO!! wHAT DO i DO? i AM SO LOST!!

pam
6:42 pm February 8th, 2013

Once again can anyone give information on drug tests I can do in our home…and how to do them……thank you

wade
2:11 am February 9th, 2013

im very worried my 15 year old grand daughter is smoking pot and who knows what else she went fr a A student to barely attending class at all my daughter is so worried she has tried taking things away grounding ect. she seems lost in apot world she ran out of the house tonight mow we are all scared at what might happen should we call the police we found pipes and drug crap in her room we are just lost please help

Frank
2:13 am February 9th, 2013

I am an addict myself,,, Once an addict always an addict, I am 24years of age and live in Atlanta ( the drug capitalf the U.S.A) I got to the point where I was tired of waking up every freaking morning feeling dope sick and having to drive 20miles to get what I wanted.. Money was and never has been an issue so, I went to NA meetings, it didn’t help ONE BIT, for me just wanted to use while listening.. I suggest, only if your willing to. “Tough love” meaning no money, no gifts, take a trip back down memory lane when they were younger.. What did they like to do for hobbies ( sports, music, movies..) Anything to take thier mind off drugs.. Just remember no matter what clinical evaluater tells you.. They (the addict) have to quit on thier terms. We are people also no animals, whatever you do, don’t get into arguements.. That will just create anxiety and will prompt them to want to use. The rest will come to you, but this is a start.. Also, if they are younger than 18 years of age. DO NOT force them into a halfway house or any type of inpatient facility.. Like i said were humans, not animals. Treat them like how you would want to be treated if you were in thier shoes.. No forcing, let them decide when to quit, In the meantime when they are beggin for money just simply say no.. If they get physical call the police Tough Love.. PERIOD. You have to be 110% committed to this, no giving in. Kids these days are starting drugs and havinf sex at very young ages.. Just FYI to those with kids 11+ Hope everything works out for the best,

Frank
2:19 am February 9th, 2013

DAVE, that kid is lucky he didnt have to get his stomach pumped.. Your lucky you waked him, yal probably would have had an ODn your hands.. Hope all is well, with the fam.

Terese
8:16 pm February 10th, 2013

Pam, go to DrugTestYourTeen[dot]com for home drug tests. They’re super easy to use – they come with complete instructions and are very accurate tests.

Bre
3:13 am February 11th, 2013

To all dealing with addicted loved ones,
I am a sibling who has dealt with all the issues related to a addicted brother. He is 7 years older than me and has done everything listed on this page and then some. He is even listed on Megans Law, that’s right he has also become a registered sex offender. I can say with 100% certainty that all of you MUST cut off your addicted family members completely. No money, no food, no nothing! You are considered codependent if you provide anything. NOT EVEN A WARM BLANKET… NOTHING! I guarantee you, if you give them anything it will go towards drugs. Even a warm blanket is worth a couple bucks, but most likely it will be going into a garbage can down the street. Addicts only care about 1 thing and that is the next high. Yes, they love their family members, but not while addicted. You must understand, when you provide them anything, it is for the purpose of getting high. Your next gift may be their last if they OD.

Bre
3:20 am February 11th, 2013

SAN….
Stop kidding yourself. Your son is a heroin addict. You are literally loving him to death. But you can STOP.

PAM…
you can buy drug tests at large chain drug stores. They cost about $50.

To all…change your phone numbers and put alarms on your homes. spare yourself the grief of an addicted loved one. They must want better for themselves. STOP LOVING THEM TO DEATH.

maria
10:02 pm February 11th, 2013

hi i nearly lost my son through gbl and ketamine he was put on a life support machine i cant cope any longer as he is still takling drugs he denys this and also says that coke is worse than ketamine i am at my wits end he is 32 what do i do i am so worried thankyou

Sheri
2:57 am February 12th, 2013

I have a 21 year old son who is a heroine addict. He has been in and out of treatment, including residential and wilderness and outpatient for the past couple of years. As I write this he is at a 2 week detox. Obviously, he has slipped again. In 2012, after an intense 90 day Wilderness experience, he stayed clean for 6 months. He is an extremely talented songwriter and performer and was signed by a major producer last fall. He has been living in LA and working, only to slip back in to heroine use. Even his “dream” coming true of getting a break into the music business hasn’t prevented his return to heroine. I now understand the extent to which this evil drug has a hold on my beautiful son. This time, he is worse than ever. To date, he has not used needles, but rather smokes. I know it’s just a matter of time, even though he has been terrified of needles all his life. But I have seen this drug make him do things I’d never thought he would. So I don’t doubt it’s power. One of his close friends died of an overdose last summer; but still my son uses. I’m honestly losing hope….and I feel horrible saying this. I want to help….but know I can’t do this without his active role in his longterm recovery. He is very burnt out, he says, and turned off by the 12-step programs and the recovery community. I guess this is a bad sign?…what’s it going to take to save my son. He says he wants to take part in an outpatient program where he can still live independent and work…I think he is still in denial that he can control this. He doesn’t live at home; I have not been his financial support since he signed his music contract. But I have always paid for all treatment. He is now risking losing his contract, so I will potentially be faced with supporting him again. I desperately need some advice.

9:50 am February 12th, 2013

Hi Sheri. If your son isn’t into 12 step programs, have him check out SMART Recovery or Rational Recovery. Also, get him into individual counseling once or twice a week. 12 steps are a place to start, but they aren’t the only way to stay clean!

Sheri
8:36 pm February 12th, 2013

Thanks….I am not familiar with those programs.
Right now he is calling me very angry that I will not fly him back before his 2 weeks are up at this detox facility. He says he has finished the medical detox and doesn’t have any interest in the 12-step program this place promotes. He says “making” him stay is just making things worse.
Should I keep him there to fulfill the two weeks….or is it a waste of time anyway? He says he went there to get supervised detox…period…..and he’s done. I’m confused about what the right thing is to do at this point.

UMBER
1:57 pm February 14th, 2013

HELLO every1, hmmmm i just wanted to say how america looks at marijuana ,well to me its the MOST DANGEROUS drug (out of all illicit drugs).. Most or every drug related problem starts with this shit and most people are addicted to this shit ,i mean without marijuana there is no life for them and with marijuana there is still no life-stoners ….i mean whats the point of lying there half-dead like a zombie…Today relaxing in america is all about taking drugs….personally i believe in the consumption of alcohol and alcohol only.Others drugs make the user so restless ,lazy and somehow induces pain in there body or they get so lost in there thoughts ,and without the drugs their are unable to think… This is how my eldest son describes marijuana ,being a marijuana addict himself for 3 years ,and now he is completely clean .. from this experience & his counselling ,he taught my youngers son who are 22 and 19 to not to do drugs ..as they are not worth it …i believe if a parent counsell their children about drugs,it will surely help in the future.parents shud put more emphasis on marijuana than any other drug ,but parents today just turn a blind eye towards marijuana & somehow undermine its killing effects. To understand the effects and harms of a drug 1 shudnt have a drug addict in there house .proper counselling about the peer pressure in schools and the pressure by the media can prevent some1 frm doing drugs .The thing that helps the most with drug addict children ,is to be very open with them(rule out the drug experiences tht u had in ur time).After the drug related incidents , both my youngers sons want to join the DEA ,they say they want to eradicate marijuana from society ,schools ,colleges ..everywhere . for the support i will thank the almighty..for giving me support when i used to cry the whole night ..and for building my younger sons will so strong in there approach towards drugs…

susan
6:33 am February 19th, 2013

thank you for this article, my daughter has been on drug for 9 years now and has been in and out of re-hab before she turned 19. Now she is 25 and she is hooked on herion and is living on the streets.
I try to help and she says she wants it but turns around and runs when the time comes. I dont know what to do at this point, the guy that gives it to her knows that he is her only source for the drug. I have tryed getting him in jail and a few other things. She now has pnemonia and its 10 below out. She does not sound good, how do I have here put in re-hab against her will or should I. I have done everything else possible and I have tryed the things you have sugested. She does tell me when she has last used, and i will take here to feed her but thats about all I can do for her now, I am afraid for what she is doing to her body, any help on this.

Marsha
6:27 pm February 20th, 2013

I have a 18 1/2 yr old grandson that is taking drugs. His mother gave him a test that showed positive for some type of amphetimines. He has been hanging out with a friend that we believe has been doing drugs for some time. My daughter told him he could not have this friend at the house, took his car keys and told him if he didn’t sign up for college or take a second job (currently works parts time) he had to move out. So he moved out and moved in with the “friend”. He has always been a shy sweet kid but that has changed. He has little contact with his family. We have always been really close but I have not had any contact and no reply to my text. What can I expect now??

Carolyn Freitas
5:51 pm February 21st, 2013

I totally agree with everthing you have said. My friend is going through this with her son. I have given her this advice as I have worked with Children in care in the UK. I know its hard but as a parent you are enableing them to continue to abuse drugs. She is so stressed and worried and the rest of the family are suffering regarding his addiction.

Carol
12:03 pm February 22nd, 2013

I have a 21 year old son who is addicted to drugs he sells anything and buys on IOU i have 2 small kids ages 13 and 8 and another son of 19 who helps me keep the peac. My oldest son has his drugs delivered to our house early hours of the morning he has to many cop friends so reporting him wont help as he will get off some cops are even in it with him. My husband and I are in a situation we dont know which way to turn and it affecting my entire family. how can I get him out of my house and put into a rehab centre I cant afford one but surely the government must have. He has become clever when a drug test is done it doesnt show how is this possible. I have found used packets and full ones hidden all over his room he sleeps during the day awake for two days doesnt eat then cant stop eating his skin is bad i am really desperate now, on the 21st he was addmitted to natalspruit hospital for an OD but booked himself out. Please can someone help me.

Ann
6:25 am February 25th, 2013

Thank you so much for this article, i threw my son out of our home 5 weeks ago after finding him smoking bongs for the third time at home. It was our bottom line, and the hardest thing ive ever done. I was at a real loss as to how to handle the next conversation with him, but you have given me some no nonsense questions to ask that really help. I cant thank you enough, i was hoping you could also write an article on how to deal with someone when they fail rehab – or do you just keep repeating the same process? Just keeping myself prepared coz i live in hope my boy will want help

victoria rose
9:38 pm February 26th, 2013

my son has lived with us after splitting with hes pqartner hes been with us about 8 years now and has been on and off of coccain he has never got any money at the end off the mounth as he owes it all to hes dealers he says every mounth im not giong to do it no morebut each time same old same old im at my wts end trying to help him we also have my 2 grand sons every outher weekend and i am also disabled with artharitas i love my son to bits but dont know how to help him as he says the same thing every mounth what do i do for the best hes 38 this april and so stressfule now any halp i would be gratfule to your reply x v

Nessie
10:30 pm April 1st, 2013

Hi our son is 18 and taking meow constantly, this makes him angry , aggressive and extremely depressed. Due to his difficult behaviour at home we have kicked him out, but we have threats of suicide and this is very difficult thus we take him back.

This is having a toll on us as he treats us like dirt and can be violent in voice and manner. We are at our wits end!

Kat
3:23 am April 2nd, 2013

My daughter is 20. She us using drugs.She has a parole officer for different reasons and she failed her latest drug test. Her PO offered her 30 days in a facility to rehab. She refused. She wants to stay with me to detox for a week. She is also the mother of my beautiful grandson who spends 99% of his time with my oldest daughter. I feel as though she should go to rehab but she refuses and says she just wants her mom. How do I handle this? I’m so scared and afraid for her. Please, I need help and advice.

shawna
1:41 pm April 3rd, 2013

My 17 year old son is using drugs, Smoking pot, I know about (I found his stuff). He has told me some things, but I am sure only what he had to.
He has no regrets and in fact told me he is going to continue and their is nothing I can do about it.

I have taken away his phone and make him come with me everywhere. I can not control his relationships at school.
Overall he does not get in any trouble, but his circle of friends have no ambition.
When I ask about his future he tells me he does not think about it.
Any advice you can give me will be helpful- I am desperate.

My brother died at 38 (10 years ago) from alcohol and oxycotin addiction. and his fathers best friend died from complications of heroin abuse four years ago.
I am so confused right now.
Thank you

Frank
11:24 pm April 3rd, 2013

In regards to Jenn Smith’s comment.
“It was great to hear someone else say many of the same things. Either it means I’m not crazy or we both are!” Of course when you talk to fellow victims of addiction and hear their stories. Nine times out of ten their story will sound almost identical to your own or the person whom you love. For example, an heroin addict isn’t any different from a person struggling from a gambling addiction. They both correlate to one major topic in recovery, the word is Denial and how you cope with Denial is the one giant factor in ones addiction. In dealing, with my recovery the main issue that has and still is the biggest struggle for me, is the word denial. At 24 years of age, I know what’s done is done and I can only look forward, also I know that I will always be an addict. I am extremely proud to say I’ve been drug free for three years and four months. If your a sponsor for an addict or you are an addict, it’s IMPERATIVE that you all know your powerless over the addiction. For some people, like myself I didn’t need to attend an inpatient program, I was/am blessed to have a loving family and a girl in my life (who isn’t afraid to put me in my place which I need from time to time..) and sober friends!
The fact is people, whomever you are and if your struggling with any type of addiction, A.) You can’t force the addict to quit, they must want it from THEMSELVES (it is very important to avoid at all costs pushing the addict to quit, just because that’s what you want doesn’t always mean that’s what they want. The last thing you want to do if your dealing with a addict is to push them away or aggravate them, that can lead to cravings and also depending on the addict physicality which nobody wants.. ) Now, in saying this it doesn’t mean you have to condone or enable to ones addiction problem. Let the addict know that your there for him/her and also that you love them and don’t want to see them throw away their life. In general, this simply means that you’re not a superhero and therefore cannot snap your fingers or wave a wand and expect for all problems in your family’s life to abruptly disappear. For the addict, and even a sponsor it takes 1) Faith in yourself that YOU WILL SUCCEED, 2) Patience in knowing that the addicts recovery can take time (were all different), but to re assure yourself every second of every day in your recovery that YOU ARE WORTH IT, and your a CHAMPION and can take anything on HEAD STRONG! See, when you really want something done in life you MUST have a trigger, that will to fight. Something to motivate you, such as a life coach or a parent, girlfriend/boyfriend in a recovery helps in so many ways. The key in all of this is to keep yourself busy, don’t give your brain a chance to think about your addiction. Some of you are probably saying that’s easy for you to say or its impossible. For one, that was the formula for my recovery.. Stay Active, meet new sober friends ( Ex: Church or school/work.) I saw “friends” come and go in my almost five years of using, relationships crumble because of my selfishness and love for drugs, not the person.. In being the only child I’ve always had a close bond with my mom and dad all the way back to tee ball and pee wee football I’ll never forget what I put my parents through on a day in day out basis during my using. I told myself and family members over a thousand times while using. “Oh I’m only 17 years of age, i’m still young.” In this day in era a young kid can be watching television and suddenly an ad for alcohol shows up, BOOM trigger, playing a video game that contains crime and drugs.. BOOM trigger. Or the most widely abused is when a kid sees a family member/friend display their addiction in front of a kid who’s more than likely interested in taking part. I’m not trying to come off as like a Dr. Phil. But honestly, most of this I’ve suggested is common sense.
Looking back now at the age of 24, how selfish and stupid was I for acting the way I did and two, (pardon my French) how fucked up for not giving a shit about anyone accept myself. From breaking windows and walls to stealing from my parents wallets or to pawning my great grandmas ring that she had given my mother before she passed. That’s just a scratch to a dent, I put my family through. Wittiness first hand my parents for the first time kind of shrug their shoulders as if “I don’t know what else to do, looking helpless and drained/depressed all due to my not giving a damn. That’s why I suggest let the addict figure out what’s important in their life and once it registers they will come to you for help. That’s what worked for me, and I hope and pray that it works for you and those you know who struggle from their addiction

Frank
12:20 am April 4th, 2013

Shawna, first off I’d like to express my condolences for the loss of your brother. You had mentioned your son being only 17 years of age? Hell he is still a juvenile once he turns 18 and finds out what it takes to be a man and figures out how insurance works, maybe he’ll get a glimpse of reality and how important a good education is. I’d Just have him watch CNN or FOX news and let it sink in, after hes done witnessing the conditions of a 17 year old’s life in a third world country. One would think he would start to get a glimpse of the big picture and that is his life/future.
I am only suggesting these options because you asked for help. Number one, You cannot keep treating him like a child, taking his phone away and joining hips, it will not do you or him any good. Avoid arguing at all costs for it will be an easy scapegoat for him to think, “I am pissed and need to get high and chill out.” Here’s what I would do if possible your husband along with yourself and son go find a soup kitchen to help feed the homeless. Let him see what his life will be like is he keeps on insisting to not care about his future. Second, and when you attempt this DO NOT make him feel like hes cornered. I would just talk about something other than drugs, wait for him to express his problems with addiction. That would mean he has taken his first step into recovery which is admitting your powerless over drugs or alcohol etc.. Denial is also considered a drug, I was constantly blurring out “I’m only 17 leave me alone..” blah blah blah. That was 6 years ago and not a day goes by when I wish I could go back in time and kick my own ass for being such a follower. At 17 years of age and especially in today’s day in age when kids are having unprotected sex and using drugs at ages as early of 13/14 it doesn’t surprise me your son is experiencing marijuana, but just know Marijuana is a gateway drug for most, I should know its what I started off with one thing led to another and before I knew it I was hooked on Heroin/cocaine. In most cities/states drugs are easy to obtain, just have faith that your boy will wise up and listen to those who love him, rather some loser friend he will never see or talk to after high school.. Stay strong, I pray for each and everyone (including my family) who is going through tough times or who have been through tough times. God Bless.

henry
11:48 am April 18th, 2013

thanks for the insight. my son has been to rehab in the past for using opium. recovered only for us to seen signs of defiance and deep signs of drugs use. Non of us cannot talk to him for he is rude arrogant. he has told us we are not his parents and am seeing deep signs of hallucinations. I am have decided to take him back to rehab. is this the right the right decision? please help

Jane
3:54 am April 20th, 2013

My son is 18. He is addicted to pot, admits use of xanax months ago, claims his drug of choice is cocaine yet never had a positive drug test in 2 years for this drug and no physical signs of this type of use. Has never tested positive for xanax either. Counselors cannot explain the admission of cocaine use and constantly negative test. He also admitted to drug dealing to help pay for pot from the time he was 15. He has stolen jewlery and coins from us and we did report the theft and he did well enough on house arrest to be on informal probation, but now facing hearing due to positive drug test in January. He was 16 when his father and I knew for certain he was smoking pot. We confronted him, took what was left of the pot he had and his pipe which I promptly smashed with a hammer and that night took him immediately to local rehabilitation hospital. Bags packed pepared to admit him. We knew he was severely addicted, but they would only put him in intensive outpatient treatment program because he had never been in rehabilitation program and only tested postive for pot. He did go reluctantly and we attended with him. Soon after he requested to be removed from his high school claiming he hated it and he was not functioning well there anyway because he fell so far behind and everyone knew about his addiction. He was accepting of being enrolled in a charter high school dedicated to helping addicted teens. Used several times throughout his 1.5 years there. Last year another IOP program followed quickly by being placed in partial hospital program this February after constant pot use from Christmas break forward. Insurance denied full hospitalization. He was then only allowed to finish his schooling on line. Only has 3 classes and he is doing well with them. He did slip and take several hits of pot again last week and admitted use in his current IOP group which he is in to transition from the PHP program. I say all that to say this, he is willing to go through these programs and seems to get a little better in some areas only to relapse and recently slight slip then get back to being straight again. Admist our current issues is that he is manipulating kids he is friends with in his treatment group to stay at their homes instead of coming home which led to his ability to slip and basically he is a complete ass at home. We are trying to pick our battles. He is willing to stay in group but seems to not to be willing to accept that his life has become unmanageable. Because he is not willing to work on his respect for us as his parents and not come home as requested along with this being a key to his getting back with his some of his old buddies. We feel this shows a lack of seriousness to get and stay sober. Is it time to kick him out? Hard because he has part of himself in treatment and other parts engaging in risky behaviors. It is definitely not clear in our minds what to do. He also has a hearing in a few weeks regarding the positive drug test while on informal probation which throws him back to facing the theft charges so the court may decide for us. Just would like some advice.

Phyllis
11:52 am May 22nd, 2013

My son is 35 years old and has been in and out of jail sence he was 18. He was clean for over a year and living with me during that time. On my birthday, May 20th 2013, he failed a drug test and went back to jail for 2 days. I gave him a car and I’ve been paying the insurance on it for him. He has his own insurance (court ordered) and I really thought he was doing better. His girlfriend whom is 8 years older than him confessed to me that they both used meth last week. I took the plates off of the car and plan on turning them in. I don’t know if I should give him another chance or not. Please let me know what I should do. I can’t even eat at this point due to my nerves. I’m so lost.

Walt
2:14 pm June 10th, 2013

My son is 19. He readily admits that he is using pot. It has now extended to using mushrooms and stealing pain meds from his mother’s medicine cabinet. He is now offering his younger brothers drugs. He is also stealing things from both his mother’s and my home (most likely to pay for his habit). We have him seeing a therapist, but he refuses to go to a treatment facility. We are going to the courthouse to get a commitment, so he will be taken to one. But, what happens after those 3 days of forced treatment? What if he doesn’t buy into a program? And how do we protect our other 2 sons?

daniel ocran
12:30 pm June 26th, 2013

Drug addiction and other social vices es are a global problem and all remedies and rehabilitation schemes are only scientifically based, but our life as humans is not only physical there is a spiritual interplay on us, it is time we all endeavour to accept that, we all are prone to be used by these unseen bodies who make their victims captive to drugs and the rest. i hope you allow me prove my point one day, based on my own fathers experience, i am 15yrs old, it was hell, at last i an my siblings have protection with our grand parents, i want to write my story for other peers to know , Drug abuse, addiction etc is more spiritual than scientific and medically assumed.

Mrfisch
6:15 pm June 30th, 2013

My 22 year old son has been an addict for a couple of years. I’ve been a single father with him and my daughter for 8 years. Although my daughter told me over and over again he was smoking smack, I didn’t believe her until my son finally admitted it to me.

Over many years, long before he became a junkie (he doesn’t like to be called that), I turned a blind eye to all he was doing–stealing, lying, using, manipluating, cheating . . . everything. Every promise he made, all the confessions and contrition–I accepted them all–and he violated them all. And I compensated for his behavior with significant changes in how I lived–I never left my wallet unwatched (and when I did he got into it), I always took my car keys to bed, I bought a safe for my perscriptions and–after he began forging my signature–my checkbooks. In other words, I put myself in a prison so that he could go on sleeping all day and getting stoned all night.

My relationships with others was disintegrating. I’m 61–my girlfriend of seven years would no longer come to my house–no way was she going to even think about living together with a junkie in the picture. My daughter thought I was a fool, and my girlfriend agreed and was reaching the end of her rope with me.

Three or so weeks ago–while I was packing the house to move–one evening, my son wanted to “borrow” 5 bucks for a pack of cigarettes and to use my car to get them. This was one of his favorite tricks–the quick ride to the corner store which turned into half an hour and was a 5 instead of 1 mile trip–to score. I had let this happen time and time again. This time I said no. When he whined and cajoled I stayed firm. This pissed him off and he packed a backpack and left.

To what must have been his surprise, I didn’t reach out to him. Three days later I got a video via text where he talked about how he had been on the streets for three days, and how sorry he was, and how he knew he needed help, how he’d been clean since he left, and so on. I didn’t respond. (I also found out later he had been at his buddy’s the whole time.)

The next day–the day the movers were there–he showed up. He was sorry and sad. He also said he was sick and wanted $20 to score suboxone. Why not? The last four times he used that on me it worked. This time I said no. He was stunned. He told me that he really was getting subs, that he knew all the other times he had been lying and using the money for a sack, but this time he really meant it. What kind of father was I that I would let him just be sick when a simple sub would make him feel better and he could help move.!!!

(Help move? The movers were there!)

(Oh yes, and if he had been clean all those days on the street, why the subs?)

I actually stuck to my guns and said no, and he went into a full day of sulking and trantrums. He then asked my daughter to drop him off on his favorite street corner.

Next day–a text from him. Lost and lonely and needing help. I told him I would get him, but only to take him to the Treatement Center the next day. He said he was ready. He knew he was lost. He wanted help.

Funny what Daddy’s cooking and a fluffy bed can do. The next day–refreshed and relaxed–the need to get help had passed. He would do it himself. He didn’t want to waste my money since it wouldn’t do any good. Now that we’ve moved (a staggering ten miles from the previous house) he was cut off from his homies and suppliers so everything was fine.

That was finally it for me. I told him to pack and I would take him to treatment or drop him off somwhere. He chose the latter and I put him on the same intersection my daughter had dropped him on.

Next day. Text msg. Lost. Lonely. Hungry. Wants help. I told him to find his way to the treatment center and I would make arrangements to pay so he would be instantly admitted.

He did it.

The plan was for one week of detox and 3 weeks of residential. By day 2 he was looking great. By day 4 he didn’t want to do 3 weeks of treatment. The night before his detox ended he walked out and went with his smack buddy and his buddy’s methfreak girlfriend for four days in Vegas.

A week later. The call. Back. Nowhere to go. No idea what to do. No money. Only the clothes he had at detox. Will I come and get him?

And I told him he couldn’t come back home to me. Against my better judgement I said if he went to treatment and I could afford it I’d help him finish and help him through the first months of a sober house (what I had always said I’d do). But he wasn’t coming home with me.

I didn’t present it as “best thing for you son.” I presented it as “the best thing for me.”

That was two days ago. Every second of it heartbreaking.

I hope he’s OK. I hope he figures things out. And I hope he stays away until he does.

Lynn
9:28 pm June 30th, 2013

My 19 year old son is currently in his second inpatient rehab in the last 6 months. When I found out about his heroin addiction I told him either rehab or the street. He was living with me. After rehab he went to a sober living house, but left after 2 months and relapsed. I went to have lunch with him and saw how bad he looked and offered to take him back to rehab/pay the copay. I believe this was the best thing to do at the time, but now I am faced with the question of how much financial support of his sober living house should I undertake? He lost his job when he went into this recent rehab- I want to support his recovery, but don’t want to keep tis cycle of paying for rehab and sober living repeatedly. He had started paying his own way after 2 months out of rehab- and then used all his money on drugs(after rent paid) after moving in with other addicts. I don’t want to encourage repeated relapse, but also don’t want to pull all support after the 28 day inpatient-seems like it would be a waste to not help him work towards a longer term recovery plan. Confused about helping vs enabling. Any thoughts?

Carmen
1:41 am July 2nd, 2013

My son is 18 and living with newly found drug friends because we won’t let him live at home on drugs. He is so skinny and dirty. He calls asking for small jobs at our house to buy food but he seems to always have drugs available. This was a quick 6 week spiral downhill. I don’t know if I should help him or if it is just feeding the problem. Any advice would greatly be appreciated.

Ann
7:36 pm July 19th, 2013

My son is in jail for possession and intent and his wife is currently in rehab (about 70days in a 90 day program) from an overdose that happened after his arrest at her friends with her 4 year old daughter present. Thankfully, the friend called me to come and pick up the child. We immediately contacted a lawyer for temporary custody as both of the parents have had problems before but not to this extent.

We were immediately granted the temporary custody and the final hearing is next week (this has moved along very quickly). We love our granddaughter with all our hearts and she has easily fit right into our home and lifestyle, in fact, she is flourishing. She knows that Mom & Dad are not well and cannot take care of her.

Personally, I feel awful to take a child from their parents, however after reading many blogs and sites and talking with a few counselor it still seems to be the best for the child.

Has anyone else been in this situation? When and if the parents get clean, then how do we proceed? I love my son, but I have cut the communication on this last arrest. We do speak with my DIL and allow her some phone time while in rehab with her daughter.

I feel like I am in a whirlwind – Help!

Gayle G.
6:32 am August 2nd, 2013

I know my son is on drugs he is 19 now been doing this for about 3 years now..when i confront him he says i’m crazy he’s not on them..that it is all in my head..no it’s not all in my head…i read stuff that he wrote and his eyes tell me everything.. He drives way to fast, keeps a nasty room, cusses me terrible, tells me he wants me dead..he tells me i brought him up wrong..ha no i did not teach him to do drugs..then he started drinking…vodka,we don;t drink and i do not allow it in my home..he gets so upset with me about everything..he always says we do nothing for him.. he lies terrible he calls me a f**king a** .. i think he has mental issues he says he doesn’t need help that i do….i’m at my wits end with him..his dad told him he had to go if he continues to cuss me like i’m a nobody…

Heather
11:30 am August 2nd, 2013

What a great article – I do appreciate your honesty.
We are at the VERY beginning of this ordeal….my 22 yr old has dropped out of school, only working part time, gaming ALL OF THE TIME and just recently came home high….I’m pretty sure for the first time…… I’m sure all of you are wishing that you could go back to the beginning and do something different – or maybe not – but I’m so scared. I know I should give him an ultimatum, but I’m scared……..what if he takes it and moves out – and lives with his friend and his Dad who enables his son….and will ultimately enable MY son. I’m scared. I love my son to pieces – he’s a good kid – but all of your children are good kids – and these stories scare the hell out of me. You say to kick his ass out…….but that would be relying on my parenting up to this point – just hoping and praying that all that I have taught him up to now will come back to him in waves…..and he will come home afterwards and shape up……but what if he doesn’t. I’m scared…..I just want my little boy back

Betina
1:27 pm August 9th, 2013

Hi our son just turned 16 last week have been using, drugs for about 8 months, we did send him away, to a cattle station in the outback of Queensland, for 4 months, that seams to have worked, he got counselling when he was there, and the they suggested that he was ok to come back to us, here in Kalgoorlie WA,
After return, it only took 2 weeks and he was straight back into drugs, missing school, and dont want to do anything, he runs away, he get very aggressive, and pushed me over, so I ended up on crutches for a couple of days, with a bruised , knee, he took his clothes and ran away for about 10 days, in that 10 days he didn’t go to school at all, apparently stayed at friends places, then after the 10 days he called med and wanted to come home, we allowed him to come, and he asked for help, but that lasted only 1 day, the next day, he ran away again, because he left his Facebook page open and I could see all the conversations, where he was getting his drugs from etc. I asked him about it, and said to him that we do love you but you need help, and we will help you get back on track.
But he packed his bag again, and left, we don’t know where he is.

We his father and I went to the police, and I asked them what we could do, and they suggested that I laid charges agains ,my son for the attach on me, so hopeful that would be a wake up call for him,, but they said that they would find him,
I told them that our son spend all his time at the local Skatepark, where they smoke pot and take ecstasy, the whole day my son have been at the local skatepark, and I called the police and told them, but still nothing have been done.

We are out of our worries about our son, He doesn’t listen to me or his Dad, we can ground him etc. but he just walk all over us, so we are helpless in helping him, in any way because he doesn’t want our help.

My question is can we go straight to the court, ask them to help us or do we have to wait for the police to find him?
Hope you can help ???? kind regards a very worried mum who loves her son Betina Jensen,

cheryl
2:39 pm August 23rd, 2013

Hello,
my son is 19 soon to be 20. he has moved out of our home and is now living with a new set of drug friends. he has a severe heart condition which is pending open heart surgery. he met many of his drug friends in 10th-11th grades and he no longer desires to follow his thoughts of pediatric nursing or anything besides smoking weed, ciggs, doing addies and ketamine. i know he is dealing as well. we have wonderful state insurance and i have forcefully dragged him to counceling but it has been to no avail. i have stopped helping him with his rent and i no longer pay for his cell phone, no cash what so ever, only groceries. i recently learned he is driving his vehicle without car insurance. he is not in school nor working. i feel deperate and i know he senses that. several people have told me to detatch and let him come to me when he’s ready. i don’t feel as i can do that. how can i do that??? any advise would be greatly appreciated. cheryl

John B.
8:59 am September 7th, 2013

It may sound stupid but make sure your son is ACTUALLY on drugs before you do anything. Parents love to suspect the worse before making sure.

Ruth
5:25 am September 13th, 2013

Thank you! I am new to this I just found out my 19 yr old is addicted to cocaine. The way I found out is that she was currently living with her dad and all of a sudden we lost communication from her. Her dad received a letter from the jail she had been in along with bail posted by someone who knows who. Anyhow she has not communicated with me and refuses to. I don’t know if I am wrong to let her continue dealing with her issue on her own or if I should hire a Private investigator to find her. She did call my sister to comment to her that she had been in jail 2 days for petty theft and is being sent to voluntary rehab for 6 months along with 2 years probation for controlled substance possession. I have no clue how that works but I am besides myself to find out that this beautiful girl has taken that route after all the years of repeating the same thing over the dangers of drugs. Anyhow I feel guilty at times because at the moment I am not trying to locate her even though I know I could if I really put effort. So question is do I let her be and let her be the one to call me? Or do I go look for her and help her with her rehab steps. I have seen that she still talks to I guess a friend who likes to get stoned as they say. This friend has no hold back writing it on twitter. I follow her and my daughter on there just to give me some peace of mind that she is alive. But often wonder if she really following her orders. So sad I pray it helps her in the end and that my bright silly girl comes back out of that disease Alive and well.

Karen gloster
6:54 pm October 2nd, 2013

My 19 year old nephew is a heroine addict my brother has paid for rehab 3 times even got him the vitriol shot and he waits till day 25 and then put needles in himself when the shot is less effective . Is there any legal way to have him committed as a danger to himself. My brother thew his son out and he lived in his car and then some drug house where things got even worse please help I’m afraid I’ll loose not only my nephew but my brother looks 20 years older in the last 2. He doesn’t sleep well and blames himself.

Cforguson
1:04 pm October 20th, 2013

I just want to thank Mr. Farrell for his point blank honesty. My husband and I are trying to save our son from himself and every day is a new battle it seems. I don’t know why he does not love himself … But he obviously does not. He is not a heroin addict but a pill addict. And any pill he am get his hands on too. But anyway thank you for saying the truth and not sugar coating it.

kimberlee
3:49 am October 29th, 2013

well said, wish my mother thought like you do. My parents are in denial to the extreme. After my sisters addiction grew stronger and stronger i soon became an addict myself. After two years of abusing drugs i came clean for MYSELF and am now in out patient 3 months clean in just a couple of days. i wish my sister would want the same thing for herself , 7 years now she has been an active user. Its hard, watching them not take action to save her … i try to talk to my parents but it just gets pushed over everytime . But i am very happy to hear your daughter is okay , loved this article !!

Betina
3:08 pm October 31st, 2013

First I want to say to Kimberlee well done , fantadtic to hear that you are on the right track to a better life without drugs, keep strong .
Second my son came back for 17 days ago and he have been drug free for rhe 17 dsys he is getting counceling through a drug centre, but he have decided that drugs is not the way to go, so I am a very proud mum. I write this because there is hope never give up on your child, you keep talking and help them, and suddenly one little word is enough forvthem tobturn around and get help. My son was on drugs for 2 years and he is only 16 years old now. We are taking one dsy at the time, but as he says he can see a future now. Betina australia

Emila
10:59 pm November 5th, 2013

My 18 yr old son is hooked on that fake weed. As a recovering herion addict I’m very worried. What can I do to help him? He doesn’t admit to having a problem so he says he don’t need help. As a mother it scares me to see him messed up.

C. Olson
9:38 pm November 22nd, 2013

I just found out yesterday that my 18 (soon to be 19) daughter has been using drugs for several months. I too have felt that something just wasn’t right for awhile now. I am horrified, but not totally surprised, actually a bit relieved since I no longer have to be wondering. This article was very informative about what steps I should take. My concern is I can’t kick her out (although we have cut off giving her money) because she is moving in with her boyfriend who is the one who got her started with all this. He is cutting her off from her family and friends. Do I wait until she hits rock bottom? I am so confused and so scared.

Michael Westbrook
3:38 am November 27th, 2013

My 15 year old son came home today after school and was acting a little wierd. He was slurring his words and seemed to have to really focus on what he was trying to say before he spoke. My wife ask him if he was on anything and of course replied no. She is convinced he was on something or had drank something but didn’t smell of alcohol. Should I get a over the counter drug test and make him take it to confirm he is or isn’t taking something? Of course if it was alcohol this wouldn’t show up but drugs are my biggest concern.

8:42 pm November 27th, 2013

Hi Michael. Follow your instinct. But also be very clear on a plan. While ordering a drug test can confirm your suspicions, it can also result in a break down in communication. I’d suggest that you and your wife immediately look for a family counselor who can advise you on a direction. Often, teenage drug use is a symptom of a larger family dynamic or requires immediate and decisive action. Ask around for a referral to a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in adolescent substance abuse in your area. This is a good place to start. Best to you.

judy
9:47 am December 20th, 2013

Son has long history of use; in and out of jail; now warrants are out and bail forfeited (on me for 1/4 mil$ I don’t have) and bounty hunter has till May 2014. He is 500+ miles away, 35, changing his cell phone often. Hasn’t talked to me directly in weeks. His friends text me he is ok (i.e., still alive). I don’t know where he lives nor can find out. Last v/mail he left was this morning at 5:30 knowing I’d be asleep. Yes, I was foolish to post his bond last May…. and he is gone from bad to worse. I’ve left comments on forums before…. that have not been answered. I hope this filmmaker and ex-user will reply. Thank you.

judy
9:51 am December 20th, 2013

Is this Richard Farrell’s blog? I just read more about him…. and with his success I doubt he has time anymore to read this, let alone answer…. but an answer is what I’m seeking, and not just posting this to add juicy content to his blog. This is personal. Not easy to even write this, and more difficult to think it won’t be answered but just displayed. Just sayin.

3:55 am December 23rd, 2013

Hi Judy. I’ll pass this on to Richie and ask that he respond to you as soon as he can.

judy
4:48 am December 23rd, 2013

Thank you kindly.

richie farrell
2:24 pm December 23rd, 2013

Judy… sorry I just got back from a speaking engagement in Corpus Christi, Texas. Send me an email at richardafarrell AT comcast.net. Certainly, your son needs help but first he needs to surrender. I may be able to help.I’ll try. I do not want to put other personal info on this wall. Email me when you can and we’ll discuss some options…. Best, Richie Farrell

Jodie Jones
6:24 pm December 23rd, 2013

I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, heart attack, or stroke. I am very serious. I am lost, so very very lost. Our (now) 18 year old son (his birthday was two days ago), has a beautiful heart. He loves me and I know it. We have a very loving relationship and I would just die of heartbreak if anything ever happened to him. Despite this, he has been a challenge for several years now, and we have given into the fact that he is a pot smoker. He parties with his friends every weekend, and I thought it was just some beer, pot, nothing more. He never drives – always has a designated driver. He has called me before. We have tried relentlessly to get him some help, however he will not go to any counseling. We cannot enforce any rules in the house, as he just breaks them anyways. Yet with all this said, he says he loves me and hugs me every single day. We have a very unique relationship. Anyways, last night my husband snooped on his cell phone and what we discovered actually made me throw up around 2 in the morning. I have been sick ever since. He is a drug dealer. Not just a little weed to a friend here or there, but a bonified dealer of massive amounts of pot. Mushrooms. Acid. Ecstasy. He cannot refute this. It is in black and white on his phone. We were up until after 2am reading all the messages. My son is the “go to” guy. I am devastated, heartbroken and scared to death. For him, but also I imagine our home life could be somewhat in danger now. My husband wants to kick him to the curb. I see his point, but I love that kid so damn much that this breaks my heart. I at least want to wait until after Christmas, but he does not. There has been too much lying and disrespect, total disregard for house rules, etc., over the years. My husband is DONE. I am too, but how do I kick my baby out, this young man who used to wrap his little arms around my neck and say “I wuv woo mommy?” How the HELL do I do this? How did this happen???? Our daughter, (she’s 19 now), is the opposite. Never had ONE problem with her. We were good parents! I don’t understand. What if he’s out on the street in the winter, how will he stay warm? Will he be safe? What if he needs to increase his income to pay rent? He will likely turn to more drug selling. How can I do this? Oh God, Oh God, please someone help me….I am so desperate

Stephen Popken
6:05 am December 25th, 2013

You said that keeping your drug abusing son at home would bring him closer to a funeral. Well suppose kicking your 17 year old out of the house is what brought on the funeral instead. At least when he is home, you can work on his rehab. So which road is the better one?

Diana
10:14 pm January 25th, 2014

I’ve got a dilemma. My son is 16 and is definitely smoking marijuana. He sees nothing wrong with it, and thinks I shouldn’t get so upset over it. He was involved in a sport for many years, and quit a couple of years ago, and hangs out with a group and they all smoke weed. Just today in the basement, I found a homemade bong made out of a 2 litre pop bottle. It’s causing a lot of problems between he and I – I know a lot of parents are okay with all this, but I’m not. I don’t do it and don’t want him doing it. I want him to get a job, he says he will, but he doesn’t. It’s only pot he’s smoking – but I don’t see him quitting, and I don’t see myself accepting this. He also lies about it – I smelled it around the house last night. I really fear for him, as it’s not legal in our state at all. His father is no help, and to be honest can’t be bothered. We are married. His only answer is “kids suck.” and just thinks I shouldn’t be upset over it. I feel I’m fighting this all by myself. I don’t like finding stuff down in the basement, and smelling it in the house – also, we rent, and I don’t want to get kicked out. I guess counseling is the next step? I need help. Am I overreacting here?

collette
2:39 am February 17th, 2014

So u say kick him out. He will end up going to his smoker friends house. And all he will do is smoke smoke smoke because the mom there just let’s them smoke btw he is 20 yrs old

Nessie
7:45 am February 19th, 2014

I think the last time I wrote on here was about a year ago, since that time we have been to hell and back. I believe I’m actually losing my mind, or is it just extreme stress, anxiety that’s affecting my well being. When your beloved son becames this obsessed almost zoombie character, blank expressions, violent, abusive beyond belief, it makes you go mad. Is this for real? Can your flesh and blood hurt you so deep to the soul? Yes he can. It’s so hard to believe, I now have become the zoombie but just a walking passive one, numb to life. He was clean for 10 weeks, he came back to us. What a difference, he was kind loving, good company, no abuse, no violence. He stayed in for this time kept away from the ‘druggie friends’ It couldn’t last and he is back with them, the nightmare is beginning again. I just don’t how I can go on with this life, I feel I’m dying inside. When I confront him that this is making me Ill, his comment was “you think it’s all about you, you have no idea what I have been through” For two years, I do see what he has done to himself but it is self inflicted – I don’t threaten him with violence, distroy his space, distroy the family, I don’t lie to him, I’m not absuive to him. It is so difficult being a mum in this situation – if it wasn’t for love then it would be easier to shut him out of my life. It is only a matter of time before he is prison, then I will have some peace.

Worried
12:56 am February 27th, 2014

Recently my live-in boyfriend told me that his heroin addicted nephew would like to live with us. He currently live with both his parents in a different state than where we live. Last week Tuesday, he overdosed and was hospitalized. His parents immediately calls my boyfriend to ask if he could live with us. I am not comfortable with this arrangement and feel that i will be looked at as unhelpful if i do not help. What do I do? i feel that my relationship will be at risk since my boyfriend is convince that he can help. I don’t think that he understand the seriousness of this addiction. He has done no research and simple thinks a change of scenery is all his nephew needs. In addition, his nephew was sent to rehab facility but refuses to stay.

Lilly
4:29 am March 28th, 2014

My son just told me he is addicted to pills. Pills I have never even heard of. He says he doesn’t care about him self any more and that he plans on trying other things too. I know how bad depression can get and I know what addiction can do and the two together is lethal. I need help, I can not let him destroy his life like this. He is under the horible misconception that he can control it and swears he won’t over use. Won’t over use??? Using at all is over using!!! Please help me. I can’t lose this boy and his dad would literally die if something were to happen to him and I would lose them both. I told him I love him and will fight for him no matter what! I meant every word of it. I did not give birth to this boy but he is MY son! His mother is an addict and I will not watch him go down the same path! As far as he has told me this is still new but has been going on long enough for him to have with draws. I feel his telling is a cry for help even though he doesn’t realize it but right now I feel so helpless. Please, please help me help him before he gets any deeper in this. I have watched helplessly as other loved ones wear sucked into this black hole and seen there lives destroyed, I have held their head up and feed them when they could do neither on their own, I have spent the night in a pool fully dressed holding them above water while they tried to drown themself, I have cradled drug babies when they were inconsolable while the mother sat to high to realize anything was wrong, I have felt and watched the pain as a new born was laid to rest because everyone was to high to care for the baby and she suffercated in the bed with the mother, I have seen children taken from their parents with no hope to be returned and adopted out, I have seen other wise good kids turn into extremely abusive violent thugs and thieves who would still from their one mothers and grandmothers. I have seen so much and I will not let my son go through any of this, I can’t !

richie farrell
7:21 pm April 7th, 2014

After many of years of wanting to enter into the arena of addiction guidance, I’ve finally made a commitment to establish myself as a source and a voice of recovery and hope. As of May 1, 2014, I will be kicking off a campaign called What’s Left of Us Nation with a mission to help those find recovery and healing. For more info., http://www.whatsleftofusnation.com/

laura
2:50 am April 9th, 2014

Ok.I see all these posts here. Now what? I just posted about my 32 yr old son who is an addict. Thank God he’s never stolen from us but always chose to detox(when he ran outta cash), locked in his room for days.His room is FILTHY & I have to go and clean what I an (im disabled) My husband works, but he SHOULD be on disability! This kid contributes nothing but MAYBE shoveling snow or MAYBE. cutting lawn.He actually believes that the extra water(for showers & laundry)&electricity(for t.v.& laundry & some cooking)-dont mean ANYTHING! All I CAN say is THANK GOD he’s never stolen from is! He DOES work sporadically.He was an “ATHLETIC STAR” in high school. Some trampy slut of a girl lied to all of us & we learned that “YOU R NOT THE FATHER”! LONG SAD STORY.He’s been in jail for things he DIDNT do cus of her&also for things he DID do(not relating to her) He did rehab once & it worked for a bit. He needs help SO BADLY! Should I go on Dr.Phil so he can exploit us for ratings?(even tho we WOULD get the proper help) I’m at wits end! His brothers are very successful & I’m su re it makes him feel awful.(not for them-he loves them).Can I get some type of court orderd rehab for him? He”s a WONDERFUL young man(when he’s straight) But presenrly, the only time he treats us decently is when he comes home high-othwrwise he treats us like total crap.Please tell me that we can get court ordered rehab for him.It’s SUCH A WASTE! He’s AMAZING when he’s sober! I don’t want to leave this earth without knowing he will be okay.

Christopher Eric Malone
9:02 pm April 20th, 2014

My son has been using cocaine for a decade. Everthing mentioned has happened, violence, stealing, police, jail time, etc.
He has been in 5 clinics but due to problems inherited from his drug usage not his desire to stop.
He did stop for a few months of and on during this time, but basically remained house bound.
I am currently working in South America, the assistance you have in the states is not available here.
I have stood by him for the past decade and Im’ mentally exhausted, have had a heart attack and ulcers. Some have said to me, throw him on the street, I can’t bring myself to do that, I am well aware he would die, I am the last link to his very survival.
Maby later I will get back on this site.
Thank you.

john proud
6:26 pm April 22nd, 2014

I was addicted to heroin for 15 years, ive been clean now for 3 and a half years but im now 41 and now realize , I lost my youth. my 15 year old nephew ,who I love very much, is using marijuana on a daily basis and although I know just about every trick in the book I don’t know how to stop/help him. while I was an addict my parents and everyone in my family molly coddled me , they would blame everyone else for my actions,they would give me money , a warm bed and food buy clothes when I sold the ones off my back etc which did me no good what so ever, I basically had my cake and ate it. it was only when they came to the end of their tether after 14 or so years that they threw me out and made me wake up that I sorted myself out but now they are repeating the pattern all over again with my nephew and its breaking my heart because I know where its all going to end. I cant get it through to them that they are enabling him and are killing him with kindness. me and him have always been so close but I feel like I have lost him , I know I could help him but like ive tried to explain to my parents I cant fight them, my sister and his addiction so I have had to take a step back for my own well being and it is killing me to see this bright kid that I love so much throw his life away. if there is 1 piece of advice I could give to people as an ex addict; DO NOT BE AN ENABLER. always let the user/addict know that you love them , and that you will be there for them when they want help but you will not support addiction in anyway shape or form. I realize its easier said than done when you love someone but make them face up to their addiction you may just save their life and yourself a lot of heartache

helen
8:32 am April 23rd, 2014

I’m a divorce mom and unemployed and my Son who is married with 2 kids is deeply into drugs stealing and sell all his stuff in the house I’m urgently looking for help please help

John
5:54 am April 24th, 2014

My head is all messed up as I gave up weed 6weeks ago because I just realised I’m 39. Still living at home. About to lose my job and I have a few friends but now I can’t even communicate with people

sherry
10:13 pm May 18th, 2014

I kicked my son out and he died anyways so is that the answer

roxanne
6:58 pm May 24th, 2014

My 17 year old is on drugs, I know it. I am scared to kick him out because he will destroy my home on the way out. he will not admit he doing hard drugs. so do I just lock him out when he leaves. and take the chance of him breaking in destroying my home, No win situation. HELP ME.

lily
10:23 pm May 31st, 2014

Can u legally admit ur child to the hospital or a drug care facility if hes over 18…and why do they direct there anger at one or two people and thats it…for some reason he hates me and his sister….i love him ..and im not sure what hes on…hes losing weight puking, wired then crashes after a while…looks pale…..mood swings…i anger him…..hes very emotional….i don’t want to bury my child…

joanne
2:44 pm June 1st, 2014

I have a son that keeps running away from home he left last October and went to a friends house and since have discovered that this friends parent buys them marijuana and alcohol and does it with them. I have not enough proof apparently to lay charges on the parent but have enough to believe that that type of behaviour is going on. my son has criminal charges against him and continues to stay there and continues to brake the law. the police just keep letting him go and sometimes makes me wonder where else and who else is he staying with I’m exhausted and drained and saddened by what my son is choosing to do and who his choosing to hang around with. its disgusting that a parent would actually supply ther own children drugs as a form of control and bribery. im sick to my stomach all I can do is pray every day and night that I don’t get that phone call telling me my sons dead . what can I do this is absurd and criminal.

richie farrell
2:01 pm June 2nd, 2014

Sherry, 1st and foremost I want to say how deeply saddened I am about your son’s death. There are no good answers to this battle against addiction. Recently, I was in an executives office at Screen Gems and he asked me why did Philip Seymour Hoffman pick after so many years. Unfortunately, the answer is simple – the beast never leaves you. He is always there and he wants you to die. My mother tossed me out 27 years ago and I had the good fortune of surviving one day at a time. My closet friend’s mother opted to not throw out her son and found him dead of an overdose in her basement. Again, my deepest regret to you and your family.

joanne
9:38 am June 3rd, 2014

im at a loss thanks for replying but uts really hard to deal with knowing that your son has run away from home to an adults house with teenagers of their own and that this adult provides the money and buys my sons drugs and their own children its criminal.

richie farrell
1:22 pm June 3rd, 2014

joanne, how old is your son? if he is a minor you can go to the court, explain the situation to the judge and they will pick him up and bring him before the judge. in most states, juvenile courts act quickly,basically giving him strict orders, i.e., drug test, curfews, ect. now, if in fact he is 18 or over, you can go to the court and request him to be “pink slipped” for his safety. that will keep him locked up for a certain period of time and might shock the hell out of him.

richie farrell
1:26 pm June 3rd, 2014

hey lily… i cut and pasted part of my reply to joanne. it all depends what state you live in. call the courthouse or a local drug addiction center to find out exact anwers,,,,
if in fact he is 18 or over, you can go to the court and request him to be “pink slipped” for his safety. that will keep him locked up for a certain period of time and might shock the hell out of him. most people are like, “say what?” lock up my son or daughter, are you whacked. my answer, “well, how’s it been going the way you’ve approached the problem so far?” it’s a very tough, tough form of love that most do not have to capacity to reach. i thank god my mom did 27 years ago, have you read my memoir? i receive emails every month from parents who said after reading they felt hope. http://www.whatsleftofusnation.com

richie farrell
1:31 pm June 3rd, 2014

hey roxanne! i’ve pasted an answer to your question from my reply to lily and joanne. all are similar and it really depends on the state you are in. i’d call the courthouse, i know most states have CHINS or child protection orders and they go pick up you son, put him in a police car, and bring him or her in front of the judge….tough to do but highly recommended….
if he is a minor you can go to the court, explain the situation to the judge and they will pick him up and bring him before the judge. in most states, juvenile courts act quickly,basically giving him strict orders, i.e., drug test, curfews, ect. if in fact he is 18 or over, you can go to the court and request him to be “pink slipped” for his safety. that will keep him locked up for a certain period of time and might shock the hell out of him. most people are like, “say what?” lock up my son or daughter, are you whacked. my answer, “well, how’s it been going the way you’ve approached the problem so far?” it’s a very tough, tough form of love that most do not have to capacity to reach.

SHIRLEY SHEPARD
6:50 am June 10th, 2014

My son is 45 and has been unemployed going on 3 years. He has lived with me the entire time. He is involved in some kind of drugs (marijuana? something else?} He is now seeing a girl, who is 10 years younger than him and has had her children taken away from her. She spends the nights here or they go somewhere else, But always come back here. I know she smokes marijuana (I am not even sure if I am spelling it right) and have told her my son is an addict and can not do any drugs.(He was addicted to pain killers, which I helped pay for rehab to get him off of them). He is running around with unemployed, people who are known to do drugs, and just not responsible and productive to society. I am 69 years old and am afraid to tell him to get him and his woman out of my home. He has a violent temper. He has gone to court ordered anger management but needed to go a lot longer than he did. How can I get him help and still get him to move out of my home? I don’t believe in doing drugs (I never did anything) and not working. I am still working and plan to as long as I can. I really need help and don’t know who to ask for help. I love him and want him to get his life in order and become the man I know he is. Thanks for listening.

richie farrell
2:46 pm June 10th, 2014

Shirley, this is a sensitive situation. Whenever violence is factored in with drug addiction you must be very strategic. Call legal aid in your community and explain the situation, especially the anger issues. They should be able to point you in the right direction. It is time for your son to grow up or at the very least be on his own. That is the only, I’ll say it again, the only way your son will have a chance of being the man you want him to be. He will never grow up or change living in your home. God Speed!

Judy
8:03 am June 11th, 2014

Just want to say to all you moms and dads out there writing in to this forum…. Richie helped me last December when I wrote in about my 35 year old son, who was on drugs, pills, lots of things and headed down a (literally) dead-end path. Richie gave me his full support when I drove 500 miles to see my son…. going from this house to that, this deal to that…. Richie emailed me frequently while I visited my son that week, and I tried to at least do a mild intervention with him and a couple of his close friends. He did break down and cry but then kept on, burying himself in his drug-induced fog. It was all I could do to keep my mind focused and my heart open and see just how bad off he was. His drug problem was clearly way too much for me to handle so I got calm (with Richie’s strength and focus) and centered and remained seeing my son with all the love I could bring. My story is happy. One hour after I drove out of town, saying goodbye to him for perhaps the last time, he was arrested. Higher benevolent powers must have been looking down for now he is safe, off drugs, locked up and awaiting sentencing ~ but alive. That collect call from jail I got 8 hours later after just arriving home was the sweetest call I’ve ever had. Please parents, do not hesitate to call the police, see the judge, utilize this wealth of knowledge and experience Richie freely shares in this forum with you. THank you Richie~!~

Lindsay
3:08 pm June 11th, 2014

Richie, I am terrified that my brother is 18 and is on the path to becoming addicted to drugs. He is already Into college where he is going to play baseball. However, he smokes weed every day. But I suspect he does more drugs with higher frequency than he admits. He is very skinny. He passes out early and hard. He has become angry towards anyone who stands in his way. My parents forced him to get drug tested during his last semester of highschool. He failed one of his classes and has to do summer school. He is blaming my parents for this because they “made him not want to do any work by drug testing him and getting in his way.” He found out two days ago that he has to do summer school and now he’s saying he is going to quit baseball, not go to college, get a job, and move out. I know that he wants to go to college and play baseball. He is scared that he blew his chance. I’m scared for two things: 1) that he will become addicted to more than just weed 2) if he moves out, that he will move in with friends who will enable and participate in a life of drugs and other criminal activity. We are from a secure upper middle class family. He has every option in the world if he wants to do the right thing. How do I help him see the right path? What are my options if it gets bad and he is over 18 and living on his own? Should I confront him and ask him if he is on drugs other than weed?

Terese
3:42 pm June 11th, 2014

I do believe that “tough love” is the only thing that works for some children who have drug addictions, but it IS hard. My 17-yr-old son is smoking marijuana for sure and maybe using other drugs. He also has an anger issue, and the last time he got angry and punched a hole in his bedroom door and didn’t listen to my calm voice telling him to calm down, I called the police. I’m surprised they didn’t take him in, but it did shake him up. I calmly told him I will not tolerate that behavior and that the next time (if there’s a next time) I have to call the police, they will arrest him. Now to get tough about his smoking habits. My husband thinks that our son will grow out of it – after all, he did. And so did I. BUT, it did rob me of many years, it did cause me to make some really stupid choices, it did mess me up, and it did take until I was in my mid to late 20′s to want to stop. Fortunately, I was able to stop without rehab, etc. but not everyone can say, “I’ve had enough, this is not the kind of life I want to live” and then just quit. And I don’t think our son will “grow out of it”; I think it will kill him at a pretty young age or else he will land in jail. He doesn’t think he has a problem of course, and he thinks smoking weed is a fun thing to do and is okay. But it IS illegal, it IS changing him into someone he is not, it IS causing him to lie and steal, and it IS robbing him of precious brain cells and of activities/interests he used to enjoy. So, I hope, for my son’s sake, that my husband and I can agree to help our son in a way that will actually help him and not enable him, which is what we are doing right now. Thanks Richie for your article. It’s really time to wake up.

richie farrell
4:06 pm June 13th, 2014

Lindsay: It is so great of you to reach out for your brother’s sake. My gut tells me to use that same love on him. Love is the key. I didn’t love myself. If I did I would not have self-medicated to feel euphoric. I would not have stuck a needle in my are 4 times a day. So first, go to your brother, look him in the eye and tell him how much you love him. How it hurts so bad watching him spiral out of control. How giving up his dreams for drugs is difficult for you to watch. Confide in him. Let him know he can confide in you. One of two things can happen: he’ll tell you he’s got this and thanks but no thanks; or he’ll ask for help. But in the end, this beast is stronger than all of us, if he decides to quit school and baseball that is nothing compared to being swallowed by the beast. So if he chooses that path, your parents should say, “God speed.” Don’t give him a dime of support. Force him to get a job, to pay rent, to pay insurance, to raise the bottom instead of waiting until he hits the bottom. And of course, buy him a copy of my memoir and let him see where he could wind up! Peace and love… Richie

Jackie
10:42 pm June 15th, 2014

My step daughter is addicted to heroin. She has admitted her addiction. She is coming to live with us next weekend. To her, here is a safe house. I’ve done my research online as to different things to do for certain symptoms but she likes to turn to anxiety pills, and suboxen (sp?). I am no doctor of any sort but I feel this stems from alot of the bad that has happened in her life. She of course, won’t go to talk to someone professional and that is fine. Getting her away from the life she has lived and the friends she used to be with will be the key point in this turn around. We live in Massachusetts and I was hoping to find some sort of non profit or government run programs for her to get involved with that would help her get on the road of turnaround as something positive she’d be involved in. I know they have or did have not even sure if it’s still in business Year Up and that was wonderful for kids since they were all in some sort of way going thru the same thing.

richie farrell
3:12 pm June 16th, 2014

jackie… I would contact my good friend Joanne who runs LEARN TO COPE… http://www.learn2cope.org/ it is a mass non-profit and she is perhaps one of the most beautiful woman i know in this business. she is no bullshit and into saving lives. her 1st hand experience is what save her! you can tell her richie farrell sent you her way… but also… have your stepdaughter read my memoir about my heroin addiction… http://www.whatsleftofusnation.com/

mel
3:23 am June 19th, 2014

17 yr old is on drugs. Wont go to school. What should I do? Rehab? Some people say forced rehab doesn’t work.

louise
8:57 am June 19th, 2014

My son is 14 and has been experimenting in all kinds of drugs except crack and heroine he’s open about it he’s also been arrested for possession of casinos we’ve spoke he’s working with n.e.s.t but he won’t stop as he enjoys doing it refuses to go school not been in months his moods are terrible to a point that if I try and make him get out of bed he has a nasty temper im at my wits end social services and youth offender worker can’t help me really need to know if there’s anything else I can do as ive had him sneak out in tge night and sometimes not come home I’m scared for his safety and also worried he’s dealing for someone

richie farrell
3:15 pm June 19th, 2014

mel and loiuse… you both have a wonderful opportunity to save your children. They are both underage. Go to juvenile court and tell the judge what is going on. The judge will issue and order to have the police pick up the child and bring him to court. at that time, the judge will issue a safety order. he will tell your child that if he continues to take drugs and not go to school then he’ll be place in a juvenile detention center. now most parents can’t do this because they think it is too harsh. most regret it after the child is 18 and when they no longer have this opportunity to save their boy. do it ASAP… nothing is guaranteed but the chances of seeing your son a healthy adult increase greatly.

Terre
9:54 am June 21st, 2014

I agree with kicking him out however I have a unique situation. A few years back his father passed leaving me checks from ssi. I use them for rent etc. When he turned 18 they come in his name. He gets to collect for about 6 months since he is still in school. Here lies the problem. He is only to glad to take his checks and go. I need the checks for rent. I’m a heart patient and my checks are not enough to cover the rent. He has his buddies out on the porch getting high and I don’t want to go to jail for this. I try to talk to him but he uses the power of the money. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. What do I do?

Dawn Koss
10:01 pm June 22nd, 2014

My son is 19, living at home during the summer. He is a procrastinator and lazy. We tell him to be home by 11pm..what is there to do in a small town after 11pm? His first year in college he got a 2.33 pt average. We are not happy paying for a university with these poor grades. He was smoking marijuana during high school and we required him to take drug tests randomly to have any privileges and to live at home. He cleaned up that senior year. I fear he is involved in smoking pot again….. What do you suggest?

jessy k
4:08 am June 23rd, 2014

My son is 19 is on probation for a felony of drug posession.if I kick him out his po will send him to jail. If I tell on him he will go to jail also. He’s very handsome so in jail he would probably become someone’s girlfriend against his will. Hes smoking spice so he can pass his tests but only started about 2 months ago. He still has 4 months of probation. Don’t know what to do.I have yelled at him and I have been good with him nothing is working. HELP

richie f.
2:34 pm June 23rd, 2014

well, jessy… it looks like he has you in handcuffs. and the odds certainly high that when the 4mths are over… he’ll be off and running. okay, so this beast people like your son, millions of others, and I face everyday is not a ‘IF – THEN’ THING. If I kick him out, then he goes to jail. If i tell on him, then he goes to jail. If he goes to jail then he’ll become someone’s girlfriend. This beat is DEAD THING. Like end of the world never see someone again THING. So my advice is simple. IF you can’t kick him out and let him face the consequences of his decision,THEN tell him to pack his bag on the day his probation ends. The day he wraps up say goodbye, tell him how much you love him and not to come back until he’s ready to clean up. Tell him you will help him, to the end of the earth to get clean, but you refuse to help him die. I know it’s tough Jessy but life is so beautiful on this side of the fence!

richie farrell
2:41 pm June 23rd, 2014

Dawn: Give him the same ultimatum, I gave my daughter. Simple. You have 1 more semester to prove yourself in college. If your GPA is not 3.0, I will no longer pay for your education. If you want to party and not study, you can fund that yourself. If you can not fund it yourself, you’ll have to leave school get a job to not only fund your party needs but also to pay for your new apartment… because you’re not coming home here. Period! I told her how much I loved her and how I wanted to help her become a nurse practitioner. Always, always, always make it about love!

Mel
9:01 pm June 23rd, 2014

Please tell me I’ve done the right thing by asking my child to move out! We’ve battled hard for two years to get my son to stop smoking marijauna. He’s 18 and supposed to go to college this year but I’m afraid he won’t make it if he keeps using. We live in Washington state where it is legal unfortunately so it’s hard to get him to see why it’s wrong. We’ve tried every tough love move we could but he doesn’t care to quit. He’s lost his license after we turned him in, gone through court ordered counseling and nothing reaches him. We believe he’s been battling smoking off and on for four years now. I’m just so sad that his family and his future are not as important as getting high. I believe he suffers from depression and I fear he may take his own life if he feels desperate. His uncle took his own life after battling drugs for many years. I need help, as I am so desperate to reach him.

SYLVIA
6:16 pm June 24th, 2014

MY SON IS 23YRS OLD, USING DRUGS, HE MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE I WAS STRICT ON HIM AND CAUGHT HIM SMOKING DRUGS. HE IS GONE WORSE NOW ON DRUGS, TELLS TOO MUCH LIES AND ALWAYS HAS EXCUSES NOT TO GO TO WORK. I TRIED TALKING TO HIM BUT DOES NOT LISTEN TO ME! I AM GETTING SICK NOW ALL BECAUSE I STRESS A LOT ABOUT HIM. WHAT SHOULD I DO AS HE DENIES USING DRUGS?

Michelle T.
6:40 pm June 24th, 2014

Myself and other family members have conducted two previous Interventions with my sister Julie and she went to St. Joseph’s both times, she likes that place because they let her go home after she detoxes. Julie is living with my Dad at age 45, has not worked in years, (but did help care for our dying Mother, that we lost in December, she would disappear for days at a time!) got a DUI, has a suspended license, is making our Father provide and take her everywhere! She is telling my Dad to take her to bars, she tells Dad she is going there for a job interview; in the evening? And supposedly she’s sober, working in a bar? …to meet up with men who pay her for whatever the sick twisted stuff she lets them do to her; And she was fighting for custody of her teenage Daughter; My Dad says he’s given her an ultimatum that she has to stay clean or she’s out. She has random drug tests at her Court ordered classes, and for some reason she tells us she passed. What can I do? iIs there someone I can call? She really needs a 90 program and sober living!

richie farrell
3:09 pm June 25th, 2014

Mel, it is a tough thing, very tough to watch your child self-destruct. Quick questions, what was he doing illegal that you turned him in? Is he selling weed? Why did they take his license? This gets even tougher in states that have legalized pot. I need a few more facts before I can properly try to lend my opinion.

Susan
3:36 pm June 25th, 2014

My son is 20, and I have tried the above. I have picked him up 4 times, when I told him he was to be home so I could take him to court. He doesn’t drive yet-is fault I have paid and tried to get him to do a retake just the test, not drive test. Anyway, he moved out, and stays at this place I am trying to have shut down – a single family home that drug users live and don’t work except for this idiot that owns the home. The do work the guy uses VA to get food and they have a place to stay just so they get no where in life and have it made as far as not hitting bottom. The police do a drive by the home they think its a drug house. It’s not really, as I have stepped in the door once, and have a kid my son’s age tell me things. This owner lost his job, is not a smart person at all, the home is a dump, and I have called his mortgage co. as I tried to find out using online and county help. So, I called the mortgage and told them this guy has 15 people staying in his home, for a single family home, and they do drugs. I can’t find out who the insurance carrier is, which if the mortgage co. doesn’t step in this could ruin my plans. I have gone to the place and explained things to them, now I have the planning for land involved as they can do something based on how many people are in that home so they and the police are working on a plan. I told them of my calling the mortgage. Anyway, finally figuring out treatment for my son, and trying to get him to understand how hard I have been trying to get him out of the court system and get him into treatment, and he needs to do 8 hours of community service so I lined that up, but told him he needs to be home because I will not and can not go looking for him to get him to appointments. Then he didn’t come home and it was midnight when he said, he would. So, I made a drive to the house he stays at, and was mad. I TOLD the home owner as he answered the door, which he had put up a big sign on his front door that said, NO I FORGET BUT TO LET ANYONE KNOW THEY WILL BE PROSECUTED IS THEY TRESSPASS, I thought it was rather stupid. And, with my son at that home I have tried so many times to get him home. He would tell us yes, but then not do it. Anyway, I also gave him a letter and told him it was his decision to get this behind him and be done with the courts, and we wished the best for him and wanted him to have a good life. I had written that Dennis is not helping them at all to everyone in that house he is only helping them to continue doing what they are doing. They need to hit bottom and not just keep doing what they are doing. HE is absolutely not good for anyone. People can’t change being comfortable. I tried to get him to see that, as one of the guys in that home now see’s exactly what I am saying and hates going to that house he says you are right, I never thought of it that way. Anyway, since my son didn’t come home even when I offered to pick him up if he needed a ride, at midnight I did go to that house and the owner answered the door, I asked if my son was their, he told me I think he went home (my house), but he hadn’t so I layed into this guy and told him YOUR GOING TO LOSE YOUR HOUSE, AND YOU HAVE A SINGLE FAMILY HOME AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING ANYONE – he spoke up and said, I give them food and let them stay here. I told him YOU ARE DOING NOTHING FOR THEM – ARE YOU TREATING THEM! he was texting on his phone immediately I JUST WALKED TO MY CAR AND TOLD HIM CALL THE POLICE AND MORTGAGE KNOW EVERYTHING AND YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE YOUR HOME. YOU ARE NOT HELPING ANYONE. I DROVE OFF. This guy is using his VA benefits most likely for food and when I had called his mortgage a couple weeks prior he had gotten a letter or something from the mortgage and the guy I talk to told me Dennis is going to loose his home. So, this was a good sign to me, but I didn’t tell the guy I called them. Then during this time right before I spoke up to the owner I did everything I could to have this home looked at, even when the police did a drive by I caught up to the police and talked to him regarding this home, as they think its a drug house, so I filled them in on everything I was doing. I told him how I am trying to get my son out of there and get this guy in trouble. And, how this guy punched a wall out for a get away for the young kids in the house most all are under 21. And some are zombies according to a guy I have talked with in that house part time. Anyway, I haven’t called my son, we have turned his phone off here and there and now turned it off and told him to have a good life and he is welcome here if he wants our help. What else can I do, in my one letter to our son, I told him all we want is to help him and be done with the court and how he needs to get started with the treatment and I found 8 hours he can do now. He already didn’t do this in the 2 month mandatory court timeframe, and he could do it now before his court date and be in less trouble, but he needs to be home as I am not going to go looking for him anymore which I have told him ALL Along, and now I AM NOT. I made it very clear, and told him please do and get this behind you. I know he worries as things are building up, so I was trying to get him to see how much better he will feel getting this done now. HE was always a really good kid when he graduated from high school then he went down hill from doing drugs. I even told him how much I learned from doing them and how it makes him feel. Trying to educate him so he can try to understand, not blaming him. And all we want to do is help him, but I told him you have to want help. Hitting bottom would of helped, as he would of come home and took the time to know he needed help. So, I tried to let him know how Dennis isn’t helping anyone at all. There brain can’t feel it or get it unless they hit bottom. Can you tell me if I am doing the right thing. I don’t want to lose him, but he will be wanted and put in jail for not doing what the court ordered. I am leaving it up to him now, I know he worries and hoping the place he is staying is seriously going to be in trouble, as the planning and police are now working together. I told them that dennis has had twice this week A dealer in his home. I know a lot because I always tried to find out as much as I could and was able to talk to certain people and get information because I didn’t act like a treat at all, and was just trying to get my son to court dates. My husband and I both were there because of me taking our son to court, and not causing any disturbance or speaking up to the owner until now.

Mel
4:43 pm June 25th, 2014

Hi thanks for responding.
After repeaded threats of turning him in upon discovery we followed through after discovering weed and pipes in our car on school grounds. We contacted the school and he was detained and taken to juvenile detention. We opted into the diversion program hoping to get him serious help. He was17 at the time so they revoked license and until he performed the mandatory classes etc he couldn’t get it back. After almost a full year of clean Uas and counseling even joining swim team at school and excelling he’s back at it. Now a year later he’s 18 and still lieing regardless of our ultimatums. This is day two of him being out and I know he really has no where to go. I’m already wanting to cave and second guessing my strict parenting. People say well his grades are decent, he holds down his job, it’s only pot… I’m just so afraid because after clear warnings of what he stands to lose he still chooses to use.

Wendy
9:06 pm June 26th, 2014

my teen age daughter has in the past 4 months been drugged by teen boys and men who have used my 17 year old as a drug mule. They have her addicted to pot, acid, molly, xanax she’s been smoking and snorting xanax and Xannie bars.

I’ve talked to the police when she went missing, she’s jumped out of a moving car. She doesn’t care to live sober and doesn’t care about herself. I’m not sure what else these boys did to her. The local police can’t do much because they are minors. Her boyfriend he was kicked out his old school and met my daughter in the new school.. He used her, slept with her and is now in jail, his brother and the friend clamped on to her, they use her to drop off and deliver drugs so if she gets arrested it’s her first offense she will get off easy and they won’t get in trouble. They know how to work the system, they’ve all been in and out of juvie.

They basically picked her out at school because she is a sweet girl, no brothers or sisters, has a single mom who works all the time, suffers from low self esteem and she’s a beautiful girl. She was lonely when we moved here and she was depressed about leaving friends. Although I would have stayed in Vegas if she was doing good I felt moving back to California to be close to family would be a good choice and she agreed it would be a fresh start for her. If she hadn’t agreed I would have stayed until she finished her senior year. She did not get into any trouble there, the occasional bouts with school because she was distracted by her boyfriend. Another boy who they lied about his age and manipulated her.

She had a sober moment when she came home for 2 days last week and decided to go to see her friends in Las Vegas, she’s staying with a family friend. They noticed right away something was off with her. She’s been detoxing over there. I felt god had his hand on this my girlfriend called me that morning saying she was coming up for lunch when my daughter decided to go to Las Vegas my friend said let’s get her out of here. It was during her stay in Vegas they did a mini intervention she admitted what was going on and that she doesn’t care about herself or has any desire to live sober. I’m picking her up this Monday and I fear if I bring her back here she will disappear with this group, or worse OD. Her friends at school have told me they are all staying away from her because of these boys they are trouble anyone who hangs with them either goes missing or ends up in jail.

After she went missing on Mother day, I sent her to family in Long beach to get away from the environment. When she came back she had her 17 birthday, since then she never came home and she’s basically a runaway. I know she wants to come back home now from Las Vegas and says she’s going to change. It’s a lie she wants to come back to drugs and freedom. She thinks I’ve put her in a box all of her life and now that she’s tasted freedom she doesn’t care about anything school, her life getting a job nothing. I feel a change of state is the best answer in a good clean living environment. I know there are drugs everywhere, unfortunately.

I want to just take her on a road trip to see my sister in Indiana, she has cousins there her age. I know this is difficult because she will be a senior in the fall. She didn’t go to school for the last 4 months of her junior year, she was leaving to go party and sell drugs with these boys and other men. I know in my heart she wants to come back home to do drugs and god knows what else with them.

I feel this is my only hope to save her as she can’t come back here. This is a place that will trigger bad behavior and we live in a community of very wealthy people who throw money at their kids. I have to sell my home and get out of here. I feel I have limited time to save my daughter and this is breaking my heart.

I know it’s systemic unless she gets help she will continue the behaviors I know in my heart if I bring her back here and she promises to go to therapy etc she lies to me all of the time she will be lost to these boys they will never let her come back home. They have their hooks in her deep.

I have quit my job. I have some savings and help from family to go. I’m at a loss when she came back from Long Beach she promised to do better and came back she was pretty much a runaway. The local police are trying to arrest the brother they are putting a search warrant together. They say it’s a process. Police have knocked on their door but unless they answer without the search warrant there’s nothing they can do. They say as soon as they see them they are going to arrest them. Cops say these guys are like cancer and unfortunately my daughter is caught right in the middle. They have broken in to my home twice but cops say because they are helping her get into the house they can’t do anything. I fear because she has lost her keys they have keys to my home and know how to get in through my dog door. I don’t feel safe here.

I’ve looked at sending her to a residential group therapy homes I can’t afford them the cheapest was $30K for most they want anywhere from $60K to at $145K this is more than I can afford. I know taking her out of state is a band-aid until I can get her to see clearly to get her some type of therapy in Indiana.

Help I’m lost I don’t want to make another mistake and damage her further..

Lucy
1:00 am June 27th, 2014

I just found out my 13 year old son has recently tried marijuana and shrooms. I need clear, step-by-step instructions. I am in a state of shock and anguish right now.

Kathy
7:43 pm June 27th, 2014

I am so heartbroken when I read all these posts and it’s good to know that others are sharing the same pain. My son showed so many classic symptoms of drug abuse that I finally confronted him in the Fall of 2013. He came clean (verbally) but what is interesting is that rationally explains his use of pot and truly believes that there is nothing wrong with marijuana. Hey, even President Obama said that “alcohol is worse than pot” (shame, shame, shame) I have told my son that he must go to drug counseling but he says he doesn’t need any help and that pot is helping him with all the stresses of being a teenager. He doesn’t see what I see and how he has changed. He has now turned to alcohol and I’m pretty sure he is sleeping off a bottle of wine that I had hidden in the garage. I’m not much of a drinker so I removed the wine in my house (all gifts) and hid it in the garage to give to a family friend so now it will have to be dumped. My son is only 16 and a gifted and talented athlete who has great potential for college scholarships but he is smoking it all away. What do you do when there is full disclosure but absolute refusal of any help? We have had so many calm discussions until he realizes that I will not back down from my rules and that he must not smoke or drink and he may not bring it in the house. When I stand firm he finally blows, slams and breaks doors, has thrown food across the room and vileness comes out of his mouth. I am a single mother that must work but have had very clear rules and boundaries since my kids father left. Just yesterday I saw that little boy again, kind, communicative and respectful but I know the monster is still there. I am ready to let him go and if he won’t go to counseling then I don’t have any other plan other than to let the police come and take him away. Any thoughts?

Lisa
11:23 pm June 30th, 2014

My son’s 18 and graduated HS. Goes out every night, may or may not come home. Been smoking pot for a year. We took his truck away and told him he had to pass a drug test , so he tells us he read on the internet to drink bleach!!!!!! He thinks no matter what it takes just as long as he passes the test we will be ok with that. NOT!!!!!! He is ADHD and twists everything you tell him to be his benefit! Found out he was freezing beer to be able to drink straight Alcohol out the bottom of the can!!!! I told him if he can’t live here if he can’t love the way he was raised! Every time I talk to him he tells me all sorts of positive things he’s got planned… but, nothing changes!!! Please help

Veronica Kegel-Giglio
1:41 am July 2nd, 2014

I know my son is using drugs and I told him I was not helping him with his rent anymore because I found out he was using—I don’t know where my money is going–NOW HE SAYS HE WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. I stopped sending him money because he refuses to take a drug test. How often should I try to make contact with him—He has not spoken to me in over 2 monthes. Please advise

richie
9:06 pm July 2nd, 2014

Let him know that you love him and will go to any extremes to help him if he is clean. However, make sure he understands that you will not be held hostage by threats. It is difficult to not have contact with somebody you love but doing drugs never ends well.

tammy
4:44 am July 3rd, 2014

My son is 19 and we kicked him out of the house today. He is smoking pot, taking any piill he can get his hands on. me and my Husband have threatened to kick him out repeatedly, if he didn’t stop or get counseling, and he always promises to stop, but after a week or so goes by he’s back to coming in the house stumbling around falling down, can’t even talk and make any since. He lies so much that his lies will change like 4 times in a hour. He refuses to admit he has a problem still! ! He will not go to counseling because he says he doesn’t need help. Kicking him out is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life!! so I really just need to know we did the right thing???

richie farrell
1:02 pm July 3rd, 2014

Tammy, you did. Yes, it’s the toughest you’ll ever do. But let me tell you, if my mom didn’t do it to me I wouldn’t be writing for major Hollywood studios today! Just don’t forget to tell him often how much you love him and how you will go to any extreme to help him have a quality life. But you will not give him 5 minutes towards his destruction. And buy him a copy of my book and give it to him. It may sink in. http://www.whatsleftofusnation.com

Brianna
10:00 pm July 4th, 2014

My sister is 19 years old and has had problems on and off with drug abuse for the last couple of years. Ever since she was little she has been stubborn, manipulative and selfish. My mother raised us as a single parent and tried very hard to discipline her, but nothing ever worked. So, eventually she gave in and let my sister do whatever she wanted as she was impossible to control. I feel she’s always had a need for attention whether it be positive or negative, and going to drastic measures to get. Growing up she went through different phases, starving herself, self mutilating, and now drugs. She started with pot, then tried ecstasy, and now for the past 4 months has been doing cocaine. My mother and I are lost on what to do. We’ve tried counseling but she won’t go. She refuses to do anything she doesn’t want to do. She just lost her job and now that she’s 19 and legal drinking age it’s been getting worse. My mom doesn’t want to kick her out because she knows she’ll go elsewhere and continue to use.. she doesn’t pay for them herself (different boys she meets online buy them) so money isn’t an issue.. What should we do? I’m her big sister and I feel like I need to protect her, and I don’t know how.

cindy
6:22 am July 6th, 2014

Having to kick my son out of the house, he is addicted to I believe meth. I found a pipe, a syringe, wire, and foil in his room. Been going through this roller-coaster ride with him for about three years. He gets violent, I had to call the police on him and press charges. He is in jail right now and is calling me begging me to let him come home. The DA put a restraining order on him against me. I’m feeling so scared and worried what he’s going to do, and how he’s going to make it on the streets. I want him to go to rehab but am afraid he wont go, he also has deep anger issues, I’m so scared and worried he’ll never get the help he desperately needs. Hoping I’m doing the right thing but can’t take his violence anymore and I know if he comes home he’ll never change…

Becca
3:22 pm July 8th, 2014

My daughter is 31 she started drugs before graduating. Trust me there is nothing you can do to help. Kick them out and don’t destroy your life and others around you. I’ve done everything to help. It’s just gotten worse and worse. We are fighting a plague that has no cure.

Christopher Eric Malone
4:11 pm July 9th, 2014

Hi folks.
Appreciate the hard line and agree. My problem is I am working in South America, the laws are not on a par with the USA. My son has been in 4 clinics, he has been jailed etc. I supported him in the belief he would recuperate. HOPE.
I have approached every avenue of the justice system, there is no piratical legal solution.
Basically, they can do nothing.
I have thrown him out of the home, he then climbed two stores and entered his room through the roof. Go figure, we’re stuck, and quite frankly his drugging has effected the entire family.
Manipulation becomes a tool for addicts, knowing exactly how to avoid and maneuver family by pulling on the heartstrings of those who love him- to violence, theft, etc.
After years of struggling with this, heart attack, ulcers etc I have come to the realization only he can make a decision to stop, No clinics, family, friends, churches etc can penetrate his addiction unless he is the one to make the decision.
What truly bothers me, he is incapable of feeling the damage he has done to his family.
C. Malone

Becca
3:37 pm July 10th, 2014

I can’t believe I kicked my daughter (31 years old) out, but I will have to trust this opens her eyes. I have a son in federal prison from drugs to stealing. Now my daughter is out and roughing it. I feel so full of emptiness. Someone tell me it will get better. I blame myself…where did I go wrong?? Will this heartache ever end?

richie
11:35 am July 13th, 2014

Brianna… I certainly wish that I had a good answer for you. Addiction is a horrible illness that destroys everything in its path. However, bottom line… tough love is the only thing that can help. Your mom has to set some guidelines. What I call, “if” – “then”… If your sister does this, then your sister will be able to live in the home. If your sister does this, then your sister cannot live in the home. Unfortunately, it’s that simple. However, it is probably the toughest thing your mom will ever do.

Sarah
8:09 pm July 14th, 2014

My 14year old daughter ran away. The police brought her home yesterday evening. I nearly died from seeing not only her physical appearance but to see her mental state. I am taking her in to see her primary care doctor at 2:30 pm tdy. I’m also going to ask her doctor to give me a referral to a psychiatrist specialized in teens. Our family therapist will be here at my house tomorrow. Can you please advise as to what else I can do. She is strung out on meth. She smokes and snorts it. I have fed her well and having her take a warm shower in a bit. I’m scared to lose her but I’m so grateful to have her home. She keeps on talking about this boyfriend she has with whom evidently she was living with fir 1 month and his mother was ok with it. This is such a disgrace and I refuse in wanting to accept her having any affiliation with her so called boyfriend and any of the people she calls friends.

Bernie
3:46 pm July 21st, 2014

My son is on drugs where can I take him or who can I call besides the police or how can I commit him. I live in milwaukee wisconsin

Valerie
4:55 pm July 21st, 2014

My daughter I’ve been told has been smoking weed, drinking and has taken “Molly”. She moved out last night leaving a note. She has a friend to stay with and says she wAnts to live independently even though she has small part-time job at McDonalds. She goes to culinary school in Boston but I’m afraid she will throw all that away. She is 18, how can I help her?

Wendy
12:10 am July 22nd, 2014

Hi everyone checking in..I was not able to take my daughter to Indiana. I could not force her to go. She was back for a week doing great cleaned out, then right back in with these teens and other adult males who are providing drugs and a place to hang out. She lied about going to the beach with 2 girlfriends, ended up in Las Vegas with a minor boy 15 and 2 – 30 year old men. The only reason I know this is because LAPD brought her home in handcuffs at 4am. I have pressed charges with on-going investigation on how these men could take 2 teens across state lines without parental permission. Going to the local media if I can’t get results.. I wish I could kick her out of my house, legally I can’t. She won’t go to school, work and has admitted to stealing food, clothes and toiletries since we won’t give her money. I told her she can always come home there’s always food at our house she say hates me and can’t stand it at my home. I said you can get a job to pay for these things. She lies and has excuses for everything. Whenever there is a bright light when she admits she has a problem, needs help, is depressed, hates herself, cries it always turns back into negative.. This situation has gone from bad to worse. I have emailed Dr. Phil and other local groups to get help! HELP!!

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About Richard Farrell

Richard Farrell is an author, screenwriter, and filmmaker. He directed the documentary High on Crack Street for HBO and received Alfred I. DuPont Award from Columbia University. The Fighter, a feature film based on High on Crack Street, staring Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, and Farrell playing himself, was released December 10, 2010. His new memoir, What's Left of Us, is being made into a feature film starring Channing Tatum (Dear John).