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I am in love with an addict: Why do I stay?

How many times have you asked yourself why you continue to stay in a co-addictive relationship with an addict? When you are in a relationship with someone where a substance comes first it is likely you have tried; ultimatums, interventions, rehab, AA, NA, therapy, family therapy, ignoring, begging, pleading, and crying to no avail. If sobriety IS attained, it is usually followed by relapse and broken promises. Ultimately things go back to the way they were—being last on the list of your loved ones priorities while drugs and alcohol is first.

So how can you become ready to address your own codependence and co-addiction? Tips from someone who’s been there here.  And a section at the end for your questions or comments or experiences.

The Beginning Phase: Attraction and love

In the beginning of a relationship with an addict things are usually amazing. Stories of courtship are often described as an incredible experience. This honeymoon period is seen by the sober mate as a remarkable love story. This time is usually described as a period of charm, fascination, and attraction.

The new relationship is so intense that the addict is usually able to hide their demons. In order for an addict to function they must become very good at manipulation, lies and creating drama to deflect their substance abuse. Their behaviors may be so aloof, appealing and beguiling that the sober partner is intrigued by the mystery and thrill of the addict’s actions. Even if the sober partner feels that something may not be right, they ignore their instincts. The addict is able to make light of their substance abuse and convince their partner that they just like to party once in a while.

The person who is sober is so clouded by their desire to be with the addict they do not ask any questions.When the sober mate can no longer keep up with partying or accept the inconsistencies in an addict’s storiesthey may start to ask questions. At this point, it is typically too late. They are already in love.

The Middle Phase: Committment and concern

Loving an addict can bring up many mixed emotions. I started to notice that my boyfriend’s car was home when it was supposed to be at work. When I confronted him, he told me I was seeing things. Then I would drive by his work and notice his car was not there. I wanted to believe I was seeing things more than I wanted to face the fact that my gut was probably right. He called me one weekend and spoke to me in the strangest tone making some outrageous statements. He had disappeared for a couple of days and said he was with friends.

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After my worry got the best of me, I went to his apartment. I found him sitting up on his couch, asphyxiating from a drug overdose. Because my feelings for him were so strong, I allowed him to let me believe that this was not a problem and things just got out of control. He swore it would never happen again. I was desperately afraid of this behavior but I loved him so much I felt it would hurt more to be without him.

The middle, or the “discovery period” of a relationship with an addict can be baffling. This is a time where the love is so strong and both parties have made commitments to one another but there is a clear realization that something is wrong. The discrepancies and contradictions in stories and unpredictable behaviors of the addict become more apparent. The addict is feeling more comfortable with the relationship and secure their loved one is not going to just up and leave.But it becomes more difficult for an addict to hide their addiction because they are spending more time with their partner.

Deep down, the sober party knows there is something inherently wrong. They will start to ask questions, dig deeper, and possibly confront the addict about their addictive tendencies. This discovery period can last weeks, months, or years, depending on if the addict is more functional or dysfunctional in their addiction. The sober partner may be questioning their own eyes, sanity, and reality just to try and believe an addict’s lies. Over time,the strange, unexplained behavior can no longer be chalked up to nothing.

It is at this time that the sober partner may become “hooked” or addicted to the addict. Their love becomes more desperate and they feel that it is their responsibility to help the addict see there is something wrong and fix it. The addict will use this love to manipulate their partner into staying.

When will this addiction end?

When it becomes clear that there is a problem things will start to deteriorate in the relationship. The decline can happen very fast. You see the addict as a different person from the one you fell in love. This new person is revealing themselves more and more of the time. The addict is no longer hiding their addiction but instead making excuses for it. Wanting to believe them, you entertain promises of sobriety and proposed behavior changes. These are typically empty promises.

The sober mate knows the addict’s life is at risk. The worry, fear, and obsession over their partner may become chronic. Nights are spent wondering if the addict will come home,and hours or sometimes days are spent waiting for a phone call. This becomes the norm. When they do show up, you watch your spacey-eyed partner make excuses as to why they were not available.The sober mate will make desperate attempts to plead for the addict to change because they hope there is still a viable future for their relationship.

Co-addiction begins

There is a turning point that occurs sometimes without notice. This is when the sober partner becomes a co-addict. A co-addict is a person who puts the addict’s addiction over their own needs. A co-addict will enable and cover up for the addict in an attempt to help them. A co-addict will spend countless hours trying convince them that they need help.

A co-addict is torn. They want to leave but they cannot. They want to believe the addict will change and think their support and love will save them. They want to be there when the addict recovers. Actions speak louder than words and usually the addict’s actions are not consistent with their words and promises. The two will go back and forth with one another making and breaking promises. A co-addict’s life will be turned upside down and inside out dealing with the addict.

Holding out longer than you should

Even though a co-addict loves a person with a serious disease and knows deep down they should leave, it is not always easy to walk away. While we cognitively understand that zero tolerance for drug use and abuse is required, some will marry, have children with, move in with, become financially dependent on and/or financially support the addict over the course of the relationship despite the addiction. Most feel they are abandoning the addict if they leave. Regardless of the scenario, most co-addicts will wonder when this will end and the person they fell in love with will return. That person may only show themselves now in glimpses. These short episodes keep us holding on longer than we should.

The reasons co-addicts stay no longer matter. The situation becomes so convoluted even the co-addict does not understand why they continue to the relationship. They only know what they feel and how much they still love the addict but abhor the situation.

How do you leave?

How do you leave someone you love so much even though they hurt you when they have a serious problem? That is a very good question. If you find yourself in this situation, you are not alone. There is help, but the help is not for the addict, it is for you.

Photo credit: @Doug88888

Leave a Reply

122 Responses to “I am in love with an addict: Why do I stay?
Jennifer A
7:51 pm September 15th, 2014

Hello,
I am 31, own my own business and lead a very successful career as well. My now boyfriend is 33 with a great job, is educated and always put together, until he uses… I’ve broken up with my boyfriend who is addicted to cocaine. He actually ended things with me overnight. He is just coming off of a binge and is suffering from intense headaches triggering mood swings. I called him out on the behavior and he was distant for the entire week. My mistake was telling him I didn’t care if he got high but if he treated me badly he would hear about it. I think he panicked once he knew I saw the “real” him. I then woke up to a message saying he wasn’t happy and wanted to figure it out alone. He won’t meet me to speak face to face, he now will only contact me through text message. I am completely heart broken, I love this man more then I ever thought I could love someone and his addiction has completely taken him away from me. I’ve let him know time and time again that I love him and he admits to loving me to but wants to save me heartache. I understand he can only get help when he wants it but I feel as if I am abandoning him if I do nothing about it. None of his close friends know the extent of his use, he hides it from everyone. We were so close that I would get glimpses of truth in the middle of the night when he would wake me up to talk. I would hold him as he cried, I don’t believe this makes him a bad person, he is just so lost that he actually believes he is unlovable because of it.
I know I have to let go but I can’t. How do you watch someone you love through their live away? Its been driving me crazy, its as if I am addicted to him, I haven’t hardly slept or eaten since seeing him last, I can not imagine my life not being able to hold or love him. How will I ever trust someone or anything again. The love we have is magical from the second we spoke everything fit, then it all came crashing down like a landslide. My friends and family keep telling me I just need to let go and move on but how do you move on from the greatest love you’ve ever known? If there was ever a point in my life that I thought I was losing it, its now. I can not seem to focus on anything other then the pain.

3:59 pm September 16th, 2014

Hello Jennifer. My first advise would be to let him find a way to deal with it, but make a clear statement that you will offer help and support during recovey. You wouldn’t want to get involved in a relationship of enabling and co-dependence. So, point out that he needs to get help, and be there for him, but not to suffer his pain along with him. Be strong for the both of you and for your love.

Tina
8:21 am November 24th, 2014

Jennifer i have read your story and i gotta say iam in a similar situation. Difference is i am married with two children. I know how torn you feel i made the mistake of putting my own needs and even my kids second to my husbands addiction. My husband has despite every effort on my part gotten into haroine now. I even suffered physical abuse people have asked me why do you stay the answer is this i can’t put my head down at night if i don’t make every effort to try and save his life! so this being said even though i won’t give up on him i kicked him out, he has supervised visits with our kids and im working on me now! Im still here to listen go to meetings whatever with him but im not allowing my codependency to continue any longer. The best way to deal with this is reasearch lots of research and therapy rocks give it a try it does get better.

Jennifer A
6:54 pm November 24th, 2014

Hi Tina,
Thank you for your response. Since my last post, I have seen my ex and made the mistake of sleeping with him. It has been a constant roller coaster, one minute he is telling me how much he loves me and wants to work on things then the next he will not respond at all. I know this behavior is unhealthy but I don’t know how to let go of our love. I am trying but its been 3 months and I cry every day, there isn’t a moment I don’t think about him. I’m so disappointed in myself b/c I know I deserve better . I started therapy but I don’t see much of a change in myself. I am constantly on the internet reading, blogs posts of women in similar situations, addiction behaviors, everything points to him being a text book addict, but yet I still want him. Actually what I want back is the man I knew, when he uses he is a stranger. I just don’t know how to look past the heart I know he has. Even now writing this I have teats streaming down my face because I feel like such a fool. I have to move on but even just the thought of anyone else makes me sick.

Riley
4:41 am January 6th, 2015

My boyfriend is addicted to dope. We fight almost daily over his massive drug use. He continues to lie to me and choose to continue to use dope regardless of my feelings. And the worst part is I am madly in love with him. Regardless of him cheating, and lying I have stayed because the idea of me leaving him is just as painful and the relationship I’m in now. And idk what to do anymore

Amanda Andruzzi
6:24 pm January 9th, 2015

Jennifer A,
You are not a fool. You love an addict and this cycle is par for the course, so to speak. But you are right in that this should stop and you need help more than anything. Stay in therapy, change does not happen overnight. It takes time, it took me 12 years, 1 child, and marriage before I was able to leave. But once I really was done I started to change myself and never looked back. Keep reading, go to support groups and do not give up. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir on being in love with an addict. Every experience is different but inherently the same. I hope my articles here and my book help to empower you, that is the sole purpose I write. Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Robert
10:44 pm March 30th, 2015

Hello,
I’m 23 years old and I quickly fell head over heels for a beautiful young woman who has confided in me that she is battling an addiction to meth. I am very clean, I have never smoked a cigarette let alone anything else, but I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a drug deal for a father so this situation is not entirely foreign to me. The difference now is that this person is someone who I not only chose to be with, but I in fact long to be with. She is only 21 years old and I have so much hope for her. She has been clean while at school here in Boston but soon she is returning home to Los Angeles and has been very honest and open about her fear of returning to using once she gets home. I have tried to be a support system throughout our time together, but I am deeply afraid of losing her to addiction and I am unsure of what to say or do? I have tried to let her know that no matter what I will be there as someone to talk to because even if we cannot make the relationship work I do not want her to poison and harm herself anymore. I guess I’m having a problem because I cannot relay to her the beauty and dignity of human life that I feel everyone possesses, but hers in particular is especially beautiful and meaningful to me…. Any advice?

Amanda Andruzzi
1:55 am April 16th, 2015

Robert,
I apologize for not responding sooner as sometimes I do not receive alerts to posts. You sound like an amazing young man who has had many challenges in life and must have been through a rough time growing up with the instability that addiction brings. I want to tell you that you can help her and that you can make her feel good enough about herself not to abuse drugs but unfortunately that is not the way this works. Addiction is stronger than anything you can imagine and it sounds like you know that firsthand growing up with an addicted parent.
The only advice I can give you is to let the relationship go until such time she is really in recovery. You may be enabling the addict because if she feels she cannot be clean at home, then she may only be staying clean for you or around you and that usually does not last forever. It is like a ticking time bomb and it is hard to trust someone or be in a relationship with someone who could use at any minute.
Do you think part of the reason you may be attracted to this person might be because you understand addiction and it is familiar to you? Sometimes we recreate our relationships with our parents and try to fix them through our partners. Sometimes we choose what is familiar to us without really realizing it. I am sure she is a beautiful person but she really needs to get help and be in a place of recovery before you should move on with her. That does not mean that you cannot be there for her as a sounding board, a friend and a support. I would just make sure you don’t cross the line from friend to enabler, it is a fine line.
You sound like a responsible person who has fallen for a woman who really needs you but you must really look at this and realize if this is good for you, especially for your future. I hope this helps. I would recommend reading my other articles here, there is a lot of information for you that may help you understand addiction and co-addiction. Feel free to keep posting, I will be happy to listen.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Andrea D
12:23 pm May 9th, 2015

My boyfriend is a heroin user (he injects it). We’ve been together for a year and 3 months. I’m 27 and he’s 33. Before him and met, I lost my two boys to my abusive ex because I had depression (that’s a long different story) with the help of my godmother. My ex is from Peru and the boys live with him in his country. He filed for divorce but He never served me. I became homeless and went to live in a shelter. My boyfriend sounded like he lived a good life before His addiction took over. He grew up in a tight knit Christian family. He he was the star player on his high school’s varsity baseball team, he played all throughout high school and college (he went to Old Dominion University), and even married his high school sweetheart (they had a daughter when he was a senior in high school). Two semesters away from graduating college, he took a job with Charles Schwab as a series 3 stock broker and made a lot of money doing it. Him and his wife and daughter moved to Orlando in an expensive condo. But one day He got into an accident on his motorcycle, he was rear ended and got thrown 80 ft from his bike severing is T3 & T4 vertebrate. He was in a wheelchair for a year and his doctor put him on Oxycotin. He took them as prescribed but He then learn what his pills were worth on the street and began doctor shopping to sell his Rxs. He got caught with some guys were the Feds were watching and got charged with 3 felonies and was sentenced to 74 months in federal prison. This is where He got introduced to powder heroin and where he learned how to inject. His wife left him and took their daughter back to NY. She refuses to allow contact between him and his daughter even today. When he got out he moved in with his parents, went through many programs and relapsed every time. His brother sent him to a rehab in Cali where we are now but left the program. He gets services through a mental health program for depression & anxiety. He became homeless and went to the shelter where I was at. We first met at a park through mutual friends. He was clean at the time. The sparks that flew between us was incredible. He didn’t look, talk, act or smell homeless or like an addict. I was really impressed. He was smart, intellectual, articulate, funny, witty, and very handsome (and still is). I was very naive and never had addiction issues or been in trouble with the law. He liked that about me. And he did everything to keep my innocence but also taught me about a part of the world that I never knew. It was to keep me safe and alive in a dangerous place. We started dating and we became inseparable. When I went to live with my godmother (who did her part in getting my kids taken earlier) He would come over on weekends. But when he got kicked out of the shelter (for something he didn’t do) he was sleeping in a tent in a field by the train tracks. That was when he relapsed. He was even honest about it. My godmother eventually kicked me out bc she didn’t like him so I went to stay with him in the tent. I could have went back to the shelter but my boyfriend was banned for life over there and I couldn’t just leave him alone. I couldn’t get a job bc my godmother threw away my ID that was sent to her house from the dmv. We had to hustle money to live and to keep up his heroin habit. He had an application for temporary and permanent housing that he got through the mental health program. They paid for us to stay in a motel until permanent housing went through. We were there for a month and a half. But we got denied housing so his case worker re-did the application. We could have gotten jobs then but we had our hope high on getting housing and we just pissed that time away. We went bouncing place to place. I started school and got a job at McDonald’s but got fired bc I didn’t get a food handlers card bc all of our money went to dope. We currently rent out a room that we’ve lived in for 6months. We got approved for permanent housing but are waiting for details from housing. But our landlord recently told us that he wants us out bc we haven’t been paying rent (guess why…) and now we might be living on the street again in a couple of weeks. His dope use has gone down a lot. He was going to a methadone clinic but stopped going 2 weeks ago and keeps putting it off to call to see when he can come back. He’s cranky and moody all the time. He’s unaffectionate. We haven’t had sex in 5 months (most of It is bc he’s trying to change his life and thinks now that sex before marriage is a sin…I wish he saw that everything he’s doing is a sin). He sleeps all day every day except to shoot dope, eat a little (he’s extremely underweight), pee, to go get more dope and smoke a cigarette (I don’t use or drink. He won’t let me nor do I want to. Cigarettes are my only vice). He hasn’t looked for a job in months. When he does get a job, he goes to work but then quits the next day (as a no call no show). This is just 6 months that we’ve pissed away again. He’s made me skip school a couple of times bc “he doesn’t feel like driving anywhere ” (I can’t drive the car bc it’s a stick and it takes 3 hours on public transportation to get to my school). I sometimes feel like he’s holding me back from doing what I need to do (going to school, getting my nursing degree, getting a job, getting my kids back, getting our own place). But we’ve been through so much together, he’s so funny and sweet sometimes. He always knows how to make me laugh when him sad. He gives me his shoulder to cry on when I’m missing my boys. He tells me to never give up on getting them back. He always takes my side rather I’m right or wrong. He doesn’t hit me, belittle me, lie or cheat. He won’t even look at another women much less talk to them (even if it’s a friend from high school). I know he hasn’t cheated because we’ve spent every waking moment together since day one. He’s asked me to marry him when my divorce is final. He wants to have kids with me. And a half of me believes that he’ll change. But the other side isn’t sure. He makes things seem like it’s both our fault. But he insists on being head of the household and I’m really worried about what’s going to happen when we get housing. We’ll be give a 1bd apt. rent free for 6 months but after that we have to pay for it. His case worker told him that the program will send him to rehab when he’s ready, and he wants to go. But I already know what’s going to happen. We’re going to waste away another 6 months and he’s never going to hit up his case worker about rehab. I know that if I leave him, I can take care of myself and do what I need to do to better my life. But at the same time if I leave him, I’m scared what he might do to himself or worse he’ll be just fine without me and find someone new. And I just can’t imagine him with anyone else but me. He’s told me before if I want to leave then to just leave. But my love for him always holds me back. I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I know He does too. I’m so confused.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:17 pm May 13th, 2015

Andrea,
Thank you for sharing your story. This is a very deep story with a lot of twists and turns, but what I can take out of this is that you are a person trying to get your life back together and regardless of how much you love your partner, he is and addict. There is nothing to be confused about and there is nothing I can tell you that will help you, help him. He HAS to help himself and by being with him, you are enabling his addiction.
Now, I was with an addict for 12 years so I know exactly how you feel and what you are struggling with internally. If you leave you lose him (what is left of him anyway) and if you leave he may get clean and move on and be happy.
You cannot worry about those things because, like me you could spend the next 12 years with him using if you don’t leave and never get your children back. Addiction is not personal, what he is doing is all part of addiction and unfortunately he will not stop for you, he will stop when it is his time, when he is ready. But staying with him will only hinder your growth and your ability to move on with your life, be happy and reconnect with your children. I know it is hard to accept that he is not the person you think he is but he is not, he is an addict and his drug comes first, before you, before his child and before your dreams and aspirations. If you have not had relations in six months and all he does is sleep and use, what do you think the future will be for you both. He has to be serious about stopping and getting help because he has to understand why he cannot stop and get to the bottom of the path that led him here.
Please keep reading other articles here that will help you understand your feelings and try and work through them. If you want more, you have to change because you cannot sit around and wait for him to change and by staying with him, in his state, you are enabling him and telling him that it is okay to use with you. This is all hard to hear, I know, people told me to move on for years, told me never to marry my ex-husband, but I loved him so much I wouldn’t leave. My book Hope Street, is my memoir about the last year of our marriage. For myself, but mostly for my child, I had no choice but to leave. I hope you find strength and know that you can make it out there on your own and find happiness with yourself. This is not the life you want and you deserve so much more.
Keep me posted. I am here to help.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

katy
3:44 pm May 13th, 2015

my boyfriend & i have been together for years. when we first started dating things moved so quickly, i felt like he was my saving grace. He was amazing & loving & treated me like gold. He was injured at work & got perscribed pills. I thought nothing of it. It started to come to my realization that it turned to abusing the drugs, then he was buying them off dealers & after 2 years of that he switched to heroin. Before he started using h i got pregnant & he swore thongs would change. I was pregnant & scared & wanted so badly to believe him i now have a beautiful daughter who is over a year old. He has just gotten worse & worse with drugs. Its ruining both of our lives im mentally & emotionally drained, but i still cant bring myself to leave. I just am looking for some kind of advice, i feel like as i watch him ruin his life im choosing to let my own life be ruined.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:41 pm May 14th, 2015

Katy,
Thank you for sharing your story. If you feel like watching him destroy his life is ruining yours, then that is what is happening. It is almost impossible to watch someone abuse drugs and practically perish as a person and not ourselves live in agony beside them.
I have been exactly where you are and that is why I now write this blog and wrote my memoir, Hope Street. I wanted to help other woman and partners of addicts to get strong and be able to move on with their lives despite what the addict is doing. The pain you are going through is indescribable, I know, but we have to face the fact that there is nothing more we can do to help the addict, it is not our job or our responsibility to change another person or heal them. If he has not stopped for you or for your daughter, then what will make him stop? If you stay, it is like saying it is okay for him to use, you will be with him regardless, but if you leave you can do a few things; show him his addiction is not acceptable to you or for your child, allow him to deal with himself and not be distracted or enabled and most importantly, allow you to move on with your life and have a chance to find peace and be happy. I was a mother of a small daughter when I had no choice but to leave. It was scary and painful but watching my daughter have to see her father through his addiction was not something I wanted for her. In fact it was not something I wanted for me either. You have to make a choice, make a plan and then do it, step-by-step, and that is where I can help you and that is why all of my articles are here in this blog. Please click on my name next to my picture at the top and all of my articles will appear. Read them, they will help you figure out what is going on and help you work through your fears and feelings. Hope Street is a great resource as well, it is a very real and raw journal of my feelings and my own troubles of living with an addict as they were spiraling out of control.
Do not give up on you, you are a mother and you need to be strong for your daughter. I dedicated my book to my daughter, because it was through her eyes, I was able to see that I had no choice but to let my husband alone and move on with our lives. Keep me posted, I am here to help.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Hopelessly Devoted.
7:08 am May 27th, 2015

Reading this broke my heart because I see myself in every position and in every scenario. I just moved in with my partner, already knowing she had an addiction. She was sober for a few months and things were looking great until a month ago. She’s been on a binge since then and I feel ashamed and hopeless. I’m tired of feeling that I need to compete for attention with her addiction. The biggest burden is that I feel suspicious, knowing she has lied to me and her family and has hurt/acted erratic toward people who love her while high.
I miss the woman I fell in love with, but I’m realizing that I didn’t actually fall in love with her. I fell in love with the mask she put on and now I feel pathetically trapped.
I don’t know what to do anymore.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:37 pm May 27th, 2015

Hopelessly Devoted,

Thank you for sharing with us here. You cannot compete for the affections of a drug. The drug will always win. This is not a situation where you can have a relationship with this person. A person addicted to drugs can not be a partner. I was in a relationship with an addict for 12 years and we had a child. No amount of love, begging, crying, negotiating, or support would make him stop using and stop the lying. There is hope for you. I would keep reading about addiction and what addicts do and deal with as well as co-addiction so you can understand what you are dealing with. Knowing more will help you make some decisions. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of my time with an addict. It may be helpful for you to understand you are not alone. Support from a community group or your local al-anon may also help you now. Keep reading my other articles here, there are many more that will help you learn your part in this. Click on my name at the top of the article and all of them will come up. I hope this helps. Write anytime!
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
view the video trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Andrea D
9:21 pm May 27th, 2015

Amanda, I appreciate your advice very much and it is not my intention to sound ungrateful, but I think I might need to be a little more specific. It’s not that he doesn’t WANT TO stop, it’s because he CAN’T stop, not cold turkey at least. You said that you were an addict as well, and if you were addicted to opiates, then I’m sure you know that opiate withdrawals are by far the worst and most deadly kind aside from alcohol withdrawals. But if opiates was not your drug of choice back then, what I can tell you about opiate withdrawals, from what I have witnessed is, imagine the worst flu you have ever had and multiply it by 10 and the only thing that will get rid of the sick is the drug that got you there in the 1st place. His tolerance is so high right now that he doesn’t even get high off of it anymore, he just uses so he doesn’t get sick and so he can get out of bed when we got stuff to do. He’s lost darn near every visible vein in his body so now to take shot is an every day struggle. We only have Medi-Cal and they don’t pay for rehab and we don’t have 4K laying around anywhere to send him to rehab or else he’d be ready and willing to go right this very second. He is thoroughly disgusted with this and does want to stop. I can see it in his eyes every time he pushes a shot. The only thing that’s holding him back is money. He has been trying to make it easier on him for when he does eventually go to rehab. Over the past month or so, he’s been making his shots lighter in color and smaller and has been taking it less frequently. Before, he used to draw up 60 unit shots that were so dark that you couldn’t even tell if there was blood in the needle (IV users call that registering) and he would do it between 6-10 times a day. Nowadays, his shots are no more than 30 units, sometimes 20. The color is still kinda dark but you can still see through the needle. And now he’s only doing it about 5-8 times a day. He is actively looking for a low-cost rehab program. He found one that was free (Cedar House…I think) but they guy told him that he has to be detoxed before joining the program but they do have one center that’s strictly for detox that cost $1,000. He can hardly wait to go but we just need to figure out how we’re going to come up on a grand in a very short amount of time because he wants to go to rehab with in the next 30 days if not less. My fiance is not your average heroin addict. I’ve met some heroin addicts who have opportunities to get clean, and they just piss it away. Those kind make him sick because if someone was willing to pay for his rehab, he would take that offer in a heartbeat. I think the reason why I choose to stay with him is because I see the slightest glimmer of hope for him and I know that I am the only support system he has. He could never do this alone nor would he want to. As far as getting my boys back, it’s going to take a minimum of 5 years before I can even begin my custody battle due to the sheer fact that my case crosses international waters. Right now I’m just in school, we don’t have our own place (we rent a room), I’m not working, and I have some issues that I need to work out that goes as far back as childhood. I was abused as a child, my 1st husband (the father of my boys) was abusive which is why I left him, and I lost both of my boys just 3 months apart from each other. And when that happened, I think I just lost it. I’ve had friends AND FAMILY who betrayed me (this was before my fiance and I met) and I’ve been a very angry person for a very long time which has hindered my ability to take care of my children, so I need to get into therapy right away to work out my problems before I can even think about going after my boys. And my fiance has assured me that I have every ounce of his support. He doesn’t believe in depression or therapy or whatever. He believes that depression is situational. But he says that if I think that I need to see a therapist, then I have his support 100%. I know that no judge in his or her right mind is going to give me my kids back if I don’t have my shit together. I have an idea of what will be asked, they’re going to ask me: Do you have a stable job? Do you have your own place to live? Will the boys have their own bedroom? Do you have enough food in the house to last you for at least a month? Do you have money in your bank account? Are you caught up with your bills? What are you doing about your mental health issues? Are you in therapy? Are you taking your meds? And is your home a safe environment for the boys? Right now my answer to all of those questions is “No”. As far as my fiance, by the time I have my nursing degree, I have a stable job as an RN, I have at least a 2 bedroom apartment, and I’ve worked out my depression issues with a licensed professional, my fiance will be clean and sober. If I were to stand before a judge right now, begging for my kids back, he or she will laugh in my face and call for the next case. As much as an abusive piece of my husband is and as much as I want bury him alive for what he has done to me, he has never laid a hand on my boys and I am able to sleep at night knowing that their basic needs are being taken care of in ways that I cannot at least right now. They will never have to wonder when their next meal is coming, when they’ll be able to take a shower, or where they’re going to sleep tonight, something that I’ve asked myself so many times when I was homeless sleeping in a tent by the train tracks. I would like to think that I am doing something semi-decent for my boys by not dragging them along with me in my struggle to survive. It would not be fair to those boys and I think that it would be selfish of me to try and get them back now when I can barely take care of myself. Even if my fiance was no longer in the picture, I still wouldn’t be able to take care of myself much less caring for 2 babies who are 150% dependent on me. But upside to all of this, things are starting to fan out the way that they’re supposed to. My fiance is trying to help himself and is super enthusiastic about finally getting clean, he looks so happy and hopeful whenever he talks about how great it’s going to be when he gets clean. I’m in school and I’m not doing too bad, I just finished my first semester and did pretty well on my finals. Next week I’m going into therapy. I’m still actively looking for work and so is he. My fiance goes to this mental health clinic for depression and anxiety. They have lots of resources there that helps people with mental health issues or are physically disabled and are homeless. They help them get health coverage, food stamps, emergency housing (motel vouchers) and permanent housing. They offer therapy and free meds if it’s needed and they also help you find programs for alcohol or substance abuse. His worker is helping us get an apartment through their housing program. They pay for everything for 6 months, sometimes a year depending on circumstances. But after that time period we’re on our own. And by that time we should be stable enough as to where we can afford to stay there and who knows, maybe even get a 2 bedroom apartment. Right now things are starting to look up for a change and we can both see that little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Him and I have both hit rock bottom, and they say once you’ve hit bottom the only way you can go is up. I pray for my fiance every day and he prays for himself every day too. He really does want to shake off this demon and he’s going to need all of the love and support that he can get. He has no friends or family that he can turn to, so I’m actually all he’s got left. 15 months ago, him and I met each other when we were both at our lowest point in our lives. He had just been let out of prison, struggling with an addiction, lost his wife, daughter, and a 6 figure a year job and his family turn their backs on him and was now homeless with nothing to his name. I had just lost both of my boys, my youngest was just 6 weeks old when he was ripped from my arms and my oldest was only 3 years old (I was 7 months pregnant with my youngest) when I had to leave him with their father in a foreign country because his dad found a way to stop me from taking him back home where he belonged. I was psychologically abused and betrayed by people who I thought I could trust with my life. I lost all of my belongings and my identification so I couldn’t find a job. And I was homeless and all I wanted to do at that point in my life was to eat a bullet and end all of my pain. Because I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. And the day I met my fiance, I felt somewhat comforted that I wasn’t the only one who had lost everything. From that day forward, we’ve been slowly, little by little, every day, rebuilding our lives together, doing whatever means necessary to survive the streets, and we’ve come along way together. And no matter how crazy we sometimes drive each other, at the end of the day we know that we love each other and will always have each other’s back. We have a very strange and unlikely relationship with lots of bumps, hurdles, and turns, but one thing we know is that it’s for real. We both see something in each other that others fail to see. And I guess that’s what keeps our hope and love alive. With all of the things that have transpired over the past month, the future is looking a little bit brighter. I just don’t think that I should give up just yet.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:59 pm May 28th, 2015

Andrea D.,
Thank you for sharing with us again. Let me clarify, I am not, nor ever have been an addict. I do not use any drugs and never have. I was married to an addict though, for 12 years, so I use the term co-addict to explain that although I did not use drugs, I was codependent on an addict. I have seen him detox from benzo’s, opiates, cocaine, etc. so I do know firsthand what this looks like. However, there is no excuse for not getting help, you do not need money to get help. If your boyfriend has nothing and his veins are in disrepair, he can check himself into a hospital and they will detox him and give him emergency medicaid and if he has no home, they will keep him until they find him a rehab which emergency medicaid will pay for. If he does accrue some bills, which he should not, he can pay them later, after he is better. I think he needs care immediately and should get help. I think you have so many issues that you have to deal with and I was not recommending you even try to get your kids back until you are in a good place but pulling the weight of an addict cannot be something that is lightening your load. You have a lot on your plate but if you feel like things are getting better, then this is a good thing. I would recommend therapy and do not give up on school until you are finished. You will get there.
Good luck.
Amanda Andruzzi, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of a co-addict
view the video trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

sheena
5:25 pm June 2nd, 2015

I have been in a off again, on again relationship for the past 10yrs. All are problems are due to his drug addiction and all the things that come along with it. He just recently admitted to his problem and went for help. 2 months in rehab. He has been home for 4 months and has used twice that I know of. We have been going to family counseling but I’m not sure if that is even working. He has been more open about his childhood and past mistakes that he regrets. Even more involved with our son. Yet we keep going back to square one. It’s like we will make progress, I will see change and then I’m blindsided by a relapse. I feel so lost. I have been focusing on myself alot more. So I’m wondering if I should even continue with family counseling or if that’s something he should do on his own if he wants help??

Amanda Andruzzi
12:50 pm June 3rd, 2015

Sheena,
You are starting to learn a very valuable lesson, this is something he needs to do on his own. He has to want the help and since you have tried to help and this has gotten you nowhere, you are starting to realize that you need to focus on yourself. You need to take care of yourself and your child. These are all of the the things that people who love addicts do not do. We focus our love, time and attention on trying to help the addict and when they fail, like you said, we are back to square one emotionally. We invest our love and our emotions and just when we think things might be safe or on the right road, an addict can take that all away in a heartbeat.
This is why it is so important for you to focus on you and he on him so that if there is a way for him to stay sober, it will be something his actions prove. I would keep reading about addiction and co-addiction. Click on my name Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles on the subject will come up, read “8 signs you are a co-addict”, “Co-addictive relationships. Get Angry!”, “How to move on from a drug addict” and many more. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of my 12 year relationship with an addict, through marriage and one child. It will also be a great read for you to start understanding more about this addictive cycle, your emotions, and to find hope.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
view the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

nettie
9:55 am June 14th, 2015

I have been in a three year relationship with an addict and it’s killing me to walk away.. I know I should but the words are so easy to say however my actions does not reflect leaving…I really thought I was helping but I realize it’s really time to let go

Mari P
1:31 am June 23rd, 2015

My be and I have been together for almost 5 years. I found out last year hed been on meth and hiding it.Of course I found evidence and asked constantly in the beginning, but he said that habit was all in the past. Last year I found a pipe in his truck and confronted him. He promised to get clean and not do it. Well here I am about a year later, I foi evidence in his truck last week. He also had been acting different. I asked him again but he did not admitting anything, I even expressed my promise to help him in need.
And now I’m fed up and planning to leave. It’s very hard, but this article describes everything I am going through at this moment.

Mari P
10:50 pm June 24th, 2015

So he finally admitted it yesterday. And he sat in front of me saying maybe we shouldn’t be together. I got quiet and didn’t say a word..somehow him admitting that he used meth made me feel better. I don’t know still. He said yeah I was working a lot, and in order to finish things he used meth to help him. I don’t think I can have verymuch of a future knowing that the one I love uses meth to complete tasks when he feels overwhelmed.
He didn’t admit to needing help which is a worry. How could he think I would want to marry him now? How come I want to stay? I don’t know what to do. Please reply soon….

Amanda Andruzzi
5:24 pm June 26th, 2015

Mari P,
I really want to tell you it will all be okay. I wa t to tell you that you can help him but you cannot. I was married to an addict for 12 years and we had a child. It does not get much better than this and you cannot be the reason he gets help because it won’t stick. I wrote my book, Hope Street, and this blog to help others who are in love with an addict to help you feel u see stood and to give you hope. There is hope. I suggest understanding more about addiction so you do not take his lies personally and understand the manipulation. You also need to understand co-addiction and your part in this. Cohen confronted an addict will retreat, lie, and make empty promises. I would click on my name here and read the other article that can help you. Keep educating yourself and get help for you. I have written so much for you to have the resources you need to get help, use them.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com/video

Erika
4:54 am July 1st, 2015

Hi Amanda,
I started dating this amazing guy approximately 3 years ago. We had discussed that one time in his past (many years ago) he had become addicted to Oxy. From what I was told, he was crushing and snorting them and he eventually kicked the habit himself. I didn’t really think much of it. I was curious but I was confident he was above it now and I wasn’t worried.
This November, I found out he had started to inject opiates. He told me it was cheaper to buy the pills to inject than snort. I was obviously devastated. I decided to take a break form him but over the course of the break we had several talks. I was trying to understand it all and he told me he loved me and would quit for me. I believed him. I came home from the holidays and trusted him. So we started hanging out again and I was starting to see the shady behaviour and getting suspicous. One day in Feb I caught him injecting in the kitchen. We both had breakdowns and he again promised he would get help and quit. And he did. He started going to meetings and I started to see the man I met come back to life. He started hobbies like gardening and jogging and we were talking about moving in together and our future. We’re both 32 so settling down is important to me.
Well, this past weekend I found a syringe in his bag and confronted him. To which he told me he slipped up 2 weeks ago. He said it was just once. I don’t know what to believe. My trust in him is next to none. But I still absolutely love him with all my heart and when he is sober, he is great.
I know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I can’t be suspicous if he spends too long in the bathroom or asking if hes going to his meetings or not.
I’m trying to understand it and since he can quit for a few months, then how bothered should I be by one relapse? How does someone just suddenly get addicted to injecting when they’ve never done it? Hes a normal guy. Has a roommate. Has a great family. Great friends. great girl. Why does he do this to himself? Doesn’t he know he is ruining everything?
I don’t know what to do. I told him I can’t go on like this but it was very emotional. I love him with all my heart and he loves me too.
I’ve never been in this situation and I have no one to talk to. I’m scared everyone will judge him and tell me to not be with him. At the same time, i have certain desires I want in my life for me and I feel like I deserve better.
I guess, one – if he is slipping up every so often, is he a true addict? He seems to think he doesn’t need suboxone or any kind of treatment. He doesn’t get withdrawls and can kick i himself?
I guess I just need some general advice. I’m heartbroken.
thank you

Amanda Andruzzi
1:33 pm July 1st, 2015

Erika,
It sounds like there is more than meets the eye here. It is extremely difficult to inject heroin, stop and be just fine. An addict will lie and not tell you the whole truth so I would be weary of the fact that these are just short episodes. With that being said, you should understand that this can be a lifelong struggle for you and you should know that going in. You will never trust him, unless he is really in recovery and doing the right thing and you know it, and even then it is hard to trust.
I was in love and married to an addict for 12 years and we had a child. There is hope and that is what this site is about, that is what my book is about. Hope Street is my memoir of living with and loving and addict.
My general advice would be to learn more about addiction, about addicts, and about co-addiction, so you can at least make some educated decisions.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

nettie
8:16 am July 5th, 2015

Where do I need to go for help…I know that the situation is bad…I’m so afraid that one day I will get bad news that he’s dead…I really want to leave, however my heart aches for him to get better.

Holly Cooper
1:00 am July 6th, 2015

I briefly dated a guy that told me he was on oxycodone and while I liked him, I knew that dealing with a drug addiction was WAYYY beyond what I wanted and what I could deal with. I told him that he needed to get help first and get clean and then we could start talking again. I don’t care how much I love that person, I will NOT be with someone who uses drugs! What happens if one day we have a family and he ODs and leaves me a single mother who has to provide for the kids? i couldn’t deal with it. I walk if I know a man smokes cigarettes or does drugs. If he’s a heavy drinker I also walk. Just not willing to put up with that.

Kristin
3:43 am July 6th, 2015

I’m 31 years old and have a successful career in the federal government. I was engaged to the love of my life when he got caught by an undercover cop selling ridalin. They arrested him but since it was a first time offense they cut him a deal and told him that in exchange for jail time he could serve as a confidential informant. He cooperated and helped get a few guys arrested and the cops eventually just disappeared and left him alone. When this happened I immediately broke off the engagement. I couldn’t risk my own safety while he was working undercover. Almost a whole year later we are now back together and everything has been amazing until today. He was in an appointment and I was waiting for him in his car,. I found a new empty needle case between the console and my seat.. I was devastated and terrified, my head is still spinning. I asked him about it and after an hour of ridiculous stories (it wasn’t his, it was his, it was used for a vitamin deficiency, and steroid use) he finally came clean and told me he had cooked oxy and injected it yesterday. He was very defensive and tried to say that I shouldn’t have been snooping around in his car and that he never wanted me to find out about it bc he was going to try and get help on his own terms. He has been seeing an addiction Specialist and called her tonight to let her know he relapsed. I asked him to take a drug test just bc I wanted to confirm for real that it was oxy. He took it and complied without any issues. I told him that we should go to couples counseling bc I just am really hurt by his lying. But I feel like one time out of eight months really isn’t too awful and the fact that he’s been so quick to see his doctor (on the phone with her now) and been willing to get help makes me believe that perhaps together he can turn the corner. He’s on suboxone now but has had issues over using it. Not so good either. I really really love him. We’ve been together for five years and after leaving him once for this I just don’t feel like leaving him is the right thing to do. I don’t know what to do other than hope that this doctor he sees will help him. Am I doing the right thing here? I don’t want to be an enabler but I also want to see him get better. Please help. I’ve spent all day devastated.

confused
6:53 pm July 7th, 2015

hello, my fiancé is a drug (cocaine to be exact) addict. he’s been a drug addict for about 4 years and it just gets worst. He does it by himself, at home. everytime he would get so paranoid and hallucinate, see things, imagine weird things. looking at him scares me. It came to the point where he would do it whenever he can, when I am not around (usually during the day when i’m at work – then when i come home i can see that he’s high). I am debating if I Should quit my full time job to watch him 24/7? He really wants to quit and he does try, but it doesn’t seem to work for some reason – he would always go back after few days rest. I think with someone watching him and encouraging him and do activities with him, he won’t feel the urge.. he is self employed so he doesn’t have to work and he said he does it because he’s ‘bored’… I love my job, it is my life, but he is more important. If I quit my job, I am still able to live, we have enough saved. It is just temporary until he recovers. But I am debating not because of money, but because, what if he doesn’t recover? what if he’s just the same? then I quit for nothing? i risk my future for nothing?

My other option is to leave him forever. Although it hurts, I cannot see him like this, it’s been 4 years and I am exhausted. I am sick of all the lies he tells me, all the promises, all the apologies. I can see it through him everytime he lies. it hurts becasue trust is hard to build and he is not making it easy for me. i tried to let it go and try to trust him again every time, but he He made promises to me that he will quit. HE even swore on our relationship if he ever touches again, we will break up forever. I feel like I don’t mean anything to him. Our relationship doesn’t mean anything to him. I feel like if I stayed, he won’t be better. We have separated several times because of this… but I feel like I need to break the pattern in order for him to recover, by leaving him forever…

I don’t know what to do. i love him so much and i would do anything for him to be sober and live a healthy and happy life.. i am looking at him everyday and seeing that he is slowly killing himself and it’s a ticking timebomb.. im scared. i dont want to lose him but at the same time i can’t do anything to help. we are getting married next year and i know for a fact i don’t want to marry an addict.. if he doesnt get sober then we have to break up (he knew about this).. i know an addict’s mind are different and the things they do they can’t control. i know he loves me alot, but he can’t help himself either.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:36 am July 17th, 2015

Nettie,
Try a local support group at a community center, google support online and also al-anon is a great resource. If you need to take the focus off of him and want to focus on you, then I would also look into finding a therapist that specializes in helping the families of addiction. Start here, check out the rest of the articles I have written here.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:38 am July 17th, 2015

Holly,
You have a great attitude about this and I hope more people think before they get involved. Thanks for sharing.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:42 am July 17th, 2015

Kristen,
You have every right to be frustrated and devastated. I would recommend getting some help for you. I have been right where you are, with an addict for 12 years, married for 6 and we had a child. I write these articles and blog to help other women and to let them know there is hope. Hope Street is my memoir of my experience with an addict. I would recommend reading the other articles I have written here, click on my name at the top and they will all come up. I hope you find the answers you are looking for but understand that addicts lie and this is part of the addictive cycle. You need to know more so you do not continue the cycle or enable his addiction. Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:48 am July 17th, 2015

Confused,
Do not give up your life or your job. You cannot watch an addict clean. You cannot fix or help cure and addict and by watching him you are only going to end up hurting yourself. There is hope and that is why I write these articles and spend a great deal of time helping others with what I have learned being married to an addict. If you can pick up Hope Street, it is my memoir of my life married to an addict. Perhaps you will not only feel understood but you will also gain a valuable glimpse of your life in the future if things don’t change.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

confused
9:08 am July 27th, 2015

Wow where so I begin. I’ve been in live with my husband for eleven years. We will be married five years in two weeks and we have two beautiful children together. We’ve been through a lot together and drugs was something I never thought we would have to deal with. Five days ago I got a call from a man telling me my husband had an affair with his girlfriend. When I first asked him about it he denied and then the truth all started to come out. My husband had been addicted to drugs for at least a year and I had no clue. During his addiction he became paranoid working out of town thinking I was cheating on him so started an emotional affair. He woke up one day with the woman in his bed and didn’t know what had happened so he took more drugs. Everyone he felt guilt he took more drugs and as he took more drugs he continued the affair. He had an affair with her for three months before he realized soon he would be home and it couldn’t continue. He knew what he was doing was wrong so he ended it but he took more drugs. I was completely oblivious to everything he was taking mdma and cocaine on a regular basis. A month ago I had a miscarriage and his addiction spiraled out of control he was doing 2 grams of cocaine a day and I still didn’t know. I found out he had a three month affair that ended five months ago and he’s addicted to drugs and I still love him unconditionally. He hasn’t had drugs in four days now as he wants to get clean. He made me order at home urine kits and is planning on taking one every three days in front of me to prove he’s not using. I can forgive him and will stay with him if he can stay clean. I will have a hard time trusting him again but I love home more than anyone could imagine. Am I being dilusional thinking he could actually stay clean for himself, our kids, and me. Can he be faithful for the rest of our lives even though I’ve forgiven him for this transgression or am I letting him know I’ll love him no matter what. He’s baffled by my support and we’ve had endless conversations over the past four days and he has been brutally honest about his addiction and affair. He’s told me things I wouldn’t want to know but need to. I’m scared because if I hadn’t gotten the call about the affair I wouldn’t know about the addiction and I don’t want him to let it take over his life again.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:44 am July 31st, 2015

Confused,
You are in a tough position. I know, I have been there. Sometimes things get rough but that does not mean that you give up on the person you love. However, you have to create some boundaries and decide when enough is enough. He needs to be aware of what you need from him and if he does not do those things then you need to stick to what you said and not back down. Unfortunately, I think it is not in his or your best interest for him to do this alone. Addicts need a lot more than will power and usually can stop for periods of time (their will is strong) but end up back where they started if they do not get the right help and if they do not stop because they decided they needed to. I hope you read the other articles here, click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of the other articles will come up. I lived with and married an addict, we had one child and were together for 12 years. You are not alone in your feelings.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

hopelessly addicted
11:37 pm August 6th, 2015

Hi. I am in a rough spot right now and I don’t think I ever have felt more alone than I do at this moment. I’m 28 and have battled a mood disorder, eating disorder and substance abuse my whole life. A few years ago a good friend of mine died in a car accident and I went into a drug abuse outpatient program and started going to meetings as well as individual therapy. Things were ok and I had been sober for 6 months although it was only from drinking I was still using cocaine and other substances here and there. A man I have known since kindergarten asked me to hangout after seeing me on match.com so I ended up messaging him back and asking him to go fishing one day. Well on that first date I drank almost a bottle of Jameson and we talked about how we both liked to party and got some dope. I had blown it before a few times and we split a bag and I ended up nodding out while driving and he had to pick me up and get in the drivers side and take us home. I had been warned about him by a friend who told me she thought we would be trouble for eachother. Whether she knew he was a serious heroin addict at the time or not it wasn’t long before we blew through 7 grand I had saved that summer to move and I also had developed a full blown iv heroin problem. We had no money. We looked awful and I was constantly sick. Not only were we doing dope all the time we also were shooting crack, coke, speed and ketamine though we only did that once. We started dating in June and got engaged in september. By October we were both in a detox program which we stayed in for two weeks. Within a week of being home we were shooting it everyday again. I wish I could say it was terrible but honestly we had a lot of fun. We would stay up and talk all night and lay under the stars and he knew everything about me and he would open up to me as well. He told me things noone knew about him and I understood why he did drugs there was so much pain in his past. I don’t know if I thought I could fix him or that our mutual dysfunction could somehow change us into this amazing power couple. Regardless of what I imagined would turn into this fantasy life for the two of us thats not what happened. We ended up moving in together and most of the time I was the only one working. Not to say he didn’t try to work but with no license and his reputation it was hard for him to find good work. One job he did have he left because I convinced him it wasn’t a good idea to be around people still partying all the time. In January 2015 we got into a methadone clinic and that’s when we started shooting crack like crazy. I would do it in my neck and I can’t tell you how many misses we had where my face went numb and I laid in bed thinking I was going to die. I started to question how someone could love me if they introduced me to the needle like that. He would often tell me he was sorry for ruining my life but I always believed him when he told me he loved me. I thought he was my soulmate and together our love would overcome everything together. Well things didn’t work out that way. I started taking his ring off all the time and eventually moved out and got my own place. We didn’t really talk for a month or so then the other night we were shooting coke and he was stealing it from me when I’d leave the room. I ended up calling him out and he punched me in the jaw and starting trying to choke me so I left. He called me every nasty name he could think of that night. Some of his stuff was in my car that he needed so he told me if I didn’t return it he’d post pictures of me he had taken so everyone knows how big of a whore I am. So now I have left a man who did nothing but use and manipulate me and yet I blindly stood by him, enabled him and defended him. I stopped talking to friends and family for a man who dropped me as soon as I stopped buying drugs. We can’t hangout without fighting and now he works as a commercial fisherman and has access to loads of drugs and money. As awful as he was to me I still worry and cry over him all the time. I know somewhere in there is a good man I’ve seen it but he doesn’t and I am addicted to him the way he is to drugs. So now I can’t hold food down I’m throwing up blood and I’m so stressed I can’t function. I just don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I should hate him for getting me hooked on this stuff and the fact that I’m now in a methadone clinic devastates me so I try not to dwell on it. I came across this blog and thought at least someone may understand so that’s my story thank you for letting me vent and share my experience. Maybe you or someone else on here have some words of wisdom or can relate. Maybe this will help you walk away from someone when it seems like doing so will kill you. Regardless it sucks to feel alone and taken advantage of and I would like to believe he didn’t choose drugs over me and he didn’t have a choice but somehow that doesn’t fill the gaping hole he left in my heart and life.

amanda
4:59 pm August 7th, 2015

Hello. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. Im 28 and he is 30, When we were younger we both usesd to do drugs but as soon as i graduated I stopped and thought he did too. We have 2 beautiful girls, he has a great job and we have a beautiful home. Just a few months ago I learned that he was been a drug addict this whole time. I started noticing sores on his face and arms, he wasnt eating or sleeping ever. Everytime i talk about it he gets very angry then tells me he was a addictive personality and he can not help doing drugs. His work environment is the reason why he does it so much, he cant say no. I been fighting depression and Im very short tempered with my kids and that is not fair to them. Im scared if I leave him he will get worse, lose his job, or even overdose. I dont know what to do! I love him so much and dont want to be without him but I dont know if i can continue to live the way I am. He is usually not mean unless he is coming off it and gets aggravated. He misses one day a week at work because he crashes cause hes been up for 3 days. So i am afraid he will lose his job because of it which he says it doesnt affect any part of his life. How can drugs not affect your life. I am torn and hurting please help me

Amanda Andruzzi
2:19 am August 10th, 2015

hopelessly addicted,
this man is the least of your problems. you have an addiction and a drug problem that you need to address first and foremost. Being away from him will not kill you but shooting crack and heroine will. Please try not to take the focus off of you and put it on him. Right now, you need to worry about getting into a real recovery program, getting clean and then getting help for your mind and your body so that you do not feel compelled to use again. You may have serious underlying issues, like you mentioned in the beginning of your writing and you must address this so that you are not using drugs to deal with things. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Amanda

Jill
8:23 pm August 14th, 2015

I have recently left a 4 year relationship with a functioning addict. I knew he had addictions in his past when I met him, but I instantly fell head over heals in love, I had never felt anything like that up to that point in my life. He was handsome, charistmatic, romantic, sweet…everything I ever wanted. All of the stages in the above blog, I totally went through. But slowly over the next few years as his addiction continued to rear it’s ugly head, life slowly became a nightmare. I am a co-addict, I am most definatley addicted to my addict…but I didn’t realize this fact until I actually left, did research, started Al-Anon. I had to step outside of my situation and look in and I didn’t like what I saw. It was heartbreaking to actually move out, I felt like dieing, I would lie in bed for hours, crying in my new little apt that I absolutely hated while he continued to do drugs in what used to be our home. It was the worst experience of grief I have ever gone through..the grief at times so intense I literally felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest. but I suffered it out with the help of friends, family, support groups such as Al-Anon and Amanda’s book! It’s now been 2 months since i left and my addict is still in my life, but only as I choose him to be, I am still working on letting him go and I know that will come in time, I feel stronger every day. I too am trying to overcome an addiction, that addiction being him…it’s not easy to say the least. I imagine all the time what my life will be like with someone who isn’t addicted although it’s hard to imagine my future without my addicit, but I have to because it’s what keeps me going…hope for the future and to be happy I have realized during this journey that coming from a dysfunctional childhood, I am comfortable with this drama and dysfunction, it’s “normal” to me. Also because of the fact that as a child I had no control, no security, no love, I am constantly trying to create that with the men in my life…being with an addict is perfect as you are always trying to “control” the situation, always trying to take care of them and fix them, it’s what we know. but I came to realize that i cannot control or fix this and by trying to control this I am destroying myself. But I do feel like if i had never been down this dark road with my addict, maybe I would never have learned these things about my self finally, and work on fixing them. Again I loved your book Amanda, it gave me hope as I was going through my darkest times. It was sometimes a tough read as I felt like I was reading my own story, but somehow it helped me through that really difficult period of loss, I would recommend anyone with an addict in their lives read this book. Thank You :)

Tiffany
6:20 am August 18th, 2015

I am in love with a cocaine addict. I left him last year in July but i know that I’m still in love with him. I cry some times and i still look for the hand of God tho deliver him believing that he will be my husband

Amanda Andruzzi
4:21 pm August 18th, 2015

Jill,
You are amazing and keep going in the direction you are headed. You are doing the work and this is not easy but it won’t get done if you don’t take responsibility for you. You are in a much better place and I want you to run with it. Negative thoughts may always come up to try to pull you back in but now is the time to be happy and positive and move on. Thank you so much for your comments. Please keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi
4:28 pm August 18th, 2015

Tiffany,
That is his journey and you must take your journey. You cannot be with an addict and have a fulfilling relationship. You should focus on you and try to get yourself in a good place. Being positive and learning about why this is happening to you is work you need to do. Start by getting some support, church, al-anon, therapy and friends and family.
Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi
8:14 pm August 18th, 2015

Amanda,
There is hope. You have a beautiful life ahead of you. I was exactly where you are and I decided to make a change. See, you can’t fix him or wait for him to change, you have to make changes. PLease pick up my book, Hope Street, it is my memoir of my 12 year struggle married to an addict with our child. I want you to feel you are not alone and see firsthand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict.
View the video trailer https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg

Tammy
7:57 am August 20th, 2015

Hi. I’ve been dealing with my boyfriends addiction for about 2 years now. It started out great. Then I slowly learned he was a heroin addict. Im only 18 years old and he is 22. Hes been very open (too open) with his drugs. I think he thought that if he was open abput the drugs then it would make it okay. I’ve seen everything about it. The drug deals. The needles. The nodding out. My friend and family tried to pull me out of it but I thought I could help him. They’ve stopped trying and I’ve lost them because I keep going back. He is very controlling and manipulative. I left him for a couple weeks then decided to come back. He has been telling me that he’s been clean since I left. But what I’ve found is trusting him is even harder than dealing with it. He tells me he’s going to the store and I think he’s going to use. I’ve caught him in lies still since he says he’s been sober. Im going crazy not knowing what to believe. Hes still borrowing money from people but telling me its for other things. I just dont know what to do or how to “give him a break”.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:00 pm August 20th, 2015

Tammy,
Please seek help and support. This is not a good situation for your health. At 18 you should be having very different issues and what you are facing is not your addiction. He needs to deal with himself and you cannot fix him. Please pick up my book, Hope Street. I was 19 when I met my 23 year old addict boyfriend. This is my memoir of 12 years living with addiction. It will help you.
We tried to outsource an instructor and we could not find one, however, we had this issue last year and I asked we take surf out and only do SUP. Please refund them or if they decide to do SUP we can accommodate them.

Amanda Andruzzi, Hope Street
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

sarah
5:56 am October 6th, 2015

I’ve been with my boyfriend just over 6 years. Through the last 6 years I’ve seen him high, coming down, withdrawls, attempt rehab, methadone clinics and more. It always seems as one evil goes away there is another coming in, for him ad the drugs leave the alcohol comes. He has defiantly come aong way over the last year. He is in a clinic he goes tondaily, has his licence back, and a full time job. However, he has started drinking…my family has taken notice to the behavior and personality changes. My mom pretty much yelled at me telling me I need to leave him, sell my home and move back home with her. My dad keeps telling me I can do better. I know deep down I was raised better than this, but why is it so hard to overcome? I love him very much, but he loves me, only me and does not want anything to do with my friends or family. Everyone seems to hate him. But it is so hard for me to battle with myself, why can’t he just get on his feet like he was when we met and be the person he used to be? I keep trying to bring him back but doesn’t seem to work. Breaks my heart the thought of leaving but I don’t know what to do my friends and family are my rock.

J
7:28 pm October 9th, 2015

I am 24 years old and a college student. My bf is 24 years old, and a heroin addict. We have been together for 2.5 years but we have been very close friends since we were 16 years old. It wasn’t until January of this year that I came to terms with my bfs addiction. We have lived together for the past 2 years and it was obvious something was going on but I didn’t want to accept it. He would stay out late every night, nod out once he came home, he never put money into the house and we were ultimately evicted. He went into rehab for the first time February of this year and he completed a 30 day program. during his time away, I had secured a second home for us. He relapsed soon after discharge. He submitted himself for detox 2 weeks ago after totaling my car. He said he noticed and accepted that his life was unmanageable while using H. I had never heard him talk the way in which he did this time around so I felt this was it! fast forward to 2 weeks post discharge, its his pay day, he comes home high. He insists he hasn’t used all night long but I know he has. I found the paraphernalia which ofcourse he denied denied denied. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to believe. He is so manipulating. I felt we had made a breakthrough this time around. Do you think we have? Do you think this was just a hiccup? if so, why didn’t he just admit it so we could get past it and work on the actual problem? Do you think he needs inpatient treatment? He’s supposed to be doing IOP and counseling since discharge from detox but he hasn’t started neither. Also, I feel that marijuana use this past week led to him using. He insisted that smoking marijuana would have no effect on his sobriety from H however as soon as he began using marijuana, 3 days later he uses H. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave but im really feeling hopeless. I deserve so much better.

Rebecca
3:16 pm October 10th, 2015

This article hit home. It is as if you are talking about my life. I went through each of it and continue to allow it. Why? Because I am in love with the man behind the drug. I want him back. Just like you mention in this article, I catch glimpses of that man. I put up with the bull shit (relapse, lies and drama) just to be around for the glimpses. They are powerful! I have been through many relationships and this man is by far the one who gets me “the real me”. He is my best friend. My partner in crime. My best lover, my best love. I can not bring myself to leave….”For better or for worst”. He is currently in a rehabilitation program. Not his first time around and it might not be his last. Sounds crazy, i know. In case you all are wondering. I am not a drug user.

Khloe
4:20 am October 15th, 2015

Hello, I’m 20 years old .. I’m not sure exactly what to say I just want some advice I guess its hard to talk to any of my family because they are kinda judgy but they just want what’s best for me. The guy I’m so in love with we started dating when I was 17 and he was 19 . Come this Saturday it will be our 3 year anniversary. We also have a beautiful 14 month old son that’s my world. When I firsted started dating him I need I noticed that he drank a lot and he done pills and smoked pot. I didn’t think much about it, just that he was having fun. Eventually we rented our first house together with one of his friends it was horriable he changed so much starting smoking crack and doing pills just getting into trouble. I literally gave up a good life to be with him I dropped out of high school my parents took my new car back cause I left with him so we moved in with my sister and he ended up going to jail and I sold all my expensive stuff to bail him out .. We eventually got a 1 bedroom apartment which was even more horriable our neighbors partied a lot so we did to we starting doing coke together and pills and drinking. Then he started doing illegal stuff … And we go off and smoke crack the 2nd place I moved to was when I realized that he was smoking that and .. He ended up cheating on me .. And I stayed cause I loved him.. Then we got evicted from our apartment and moved in with a friend which was also horrible we both just skipped from place to place … The day I changed was when I found out I was pregnant I quit drugs I’m still clean. My boyfriend that I love with all my heart has walked out on me left me crying, sick, and worried. I knew he was addicted to alchol and pills when we moved into our 2nd apartment while I was 7 months pregnant the first day we moved in his friend came over and I begged him and cried for him not to go out he walked out and left I stayed up all night so worried then the next morning I get a call that he is in jail under a $45,000 bond long story short.. He has been arrested many times since we’ve been together. He ended up get fired from 2 jobs, sold our car and blew the money we got evicted from our apartment we lost everything to his addiction. He won’t go to rehab. But now that we live separate but we are still together he swears up and down that he doesn’t do any pills or nothing .. But its so hard too believe because he lives with a guy that does drugs. My question is should I just stop worrying and believe him???? I don’t want to be fooled again

Amanda Andruzzi
8:41 pm October 19th, 2015

Sarah, J, Rebecca and Khloe,
Please first understand that an addict will lie and manipulate you with not recourse. They do whatever they need to in order to keep you and keep using. Once you realize that you will know that words mean nothing. Khloe, if your boyfriend is living with an addict and your gut believes he is probably using, he is. The addict will play on your emotions in order to get you to believe that you are crazy and not him. This is a merry-go-round and you have to get off so you can look at things through a different lens. Has anything really changed all of this time or do you feel like things just go back and forth and you find yourself all the way back where you started. An addict will keep on doing this to you for as long as you allow it, make false promises, feeble attempts at sobriety and this is something that only you can STOP. You have to be the one to make the changes. There is hope. Please keep reading the other articles I have written here and pick up Hope Street.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict.
View the video trailer https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg

ashley
12:55 am November 4th, 2015

I am so lost, I got out of a relationship with one drug addict and got into one with another why is this happening to me, I am not an addict, I do not drink or smoke? Why am I falling in love with addicts? I have known this man a long time, I am 30 and he is 47! He was amazing, I fell hard, I never thought I would fall for him but we were friends for years and then it happened. I had been out of a relationship over a year, I was fixing my house had a good job was becoming a better mom everyday because i felt like a horrible mother from the previous man, i allowed him to take my time up and was not able to focus on my kids. So i start seeing this new guy, people at my job tell me i am different he is changing me, that hes controlling me, i dont see it….. i eventually loose my job, i am pregnant with his baby and i am scared because i am having to trust him to take care of us and he already has proven he does not want to take us on fully. He did not let me know about a drug addiction by the way, at this point ive got no clue whats going on, he gets mad, like i see an evil person in him and i am scared thinking he is going to kill me. but as you say this good man that i started out seeing comes into action every so often that i can not walk away. my baby is a year and a half and i still battle this with him, he lives near me but not in the same house, he uses me and makes me feel awful he has robbed me of all life and personality and stolen my childrens mother, they ask me all the time why arent you happy why wont you go do things with us, I can not explain it, i just have nothing in me, i have let my kids stay with my mother because i am not able to take care of them i am mentally unstable at this point and can not figure out how to get back on my feet, everytime i am moving forward and good things are happening here he comes to destroy them but why do i crave him soo much i never was like this with anyone i know i am fully able to make it on my own i enjoyed being single i was pretty and took care of my self and worked had my own money paid my bills, by the way i have lost my car and license because of him, and i still can not let him go but he wont let me go either, i am not sure why, because i have nothing left to offer him. help me to see what i need to see to get away or move forward i can not figure it out

Amanda Andruzzi
3:16 am November 8th, 2015

Ashley,
I think you know you need this to end. Sometimes what we try holding onto the most is the exact thing we need to let go. Letting go is not easy though I know. I went back for more for 12 years. I know the cycle. However, this really is more about you then him. He does something for you or creates some type of drama that you need and the truth is that you have to figure that out for yourself. You won’t be able to be a mother or a person again until you cut all ties but you have to really be ready. You can do it if you set your mind to. You need to stop all contact first and no exceptions and then find a therapist to help you through this and get you out of your depression. You have to do the work but in the end you will be whole again and reunited with your children and be the mother they need.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Rachel
1:50 am November 10th, 2015

Hello,
I’m 18. My senior year of highschool I met a boy, and we fell madly in love. He was open with me before hand about his past experience with drug addiction, but made it seem like he had his situation under control. I’m very familiar with the disease, as I am a Psychology major and have written research papers regarding this particular topic. He was clean for a while, and the beginning of our relationship was great, he hit a rough patch in life and started using again without anyone knowing, I suspected but never said a word to him. Before we went away to west virgina for a music festival, he told me he was using again, he told me because he wanted to stop and needed my help. I love him with all of my heart and we have been together for over a year now. I never thought such a beautiful human being could walk into my life. He has the most kind soul and caring heart, but this devil and disease is beginning to make frequent visits in our life. I watched him go through withdraw, it was the worst thing anyone can witness the person they love go through besides a terminal illness. He was clean for months, recently he has lost his job, attempted to find a new one and could not. He felt hopeless and unwanted, I guess that’s what lead him to again confide in heroin as a retreat from life. Again I suspected and asked questions, but this time out of shame he started lying and even stole a very small sum of money from me. I told him that I don’t think I can be with a person who cannot hold their own life together, as I have mine to look forward to. This was a week ago, a few days later we went to a concert together with my family, and the next day went to his house. He told me he needed to talk to me. He was hiding his drug abuse from his family and me (though I knew) and had told me that he decided that he wanted to get clean. He checked himself into rehab yesterday, and we don’t know how long he will be gone for. My parents suspected his drug use also, but I never gave them a direct answer, I haven’t told anyone that he is going to be away for a while, and do not want to. He’s very close with my family and treats me the way any woman would want to be treated. He is so smart, so kind, and so beautiful a soul. He’s been on and off drugs since he was 16, again he informed me before we started dating. I have so much compassion for him and I pray that he is able to over come this disease. I may be naïve for getting myself involved with someone with such a rocky history, but minus his drug abuse he is the most amazing person I have ever met. All of my friends adore him, and my parents loved him before he started falling back into it again.
Minus the fact that he took not even $40 from me before, he has never done anything to harm me.
He wants to get better, both times he asked for help he did so on his own accord, and now he has checked himself into rehab. His mother told me she forced him to go two different times and that he has finally started to take responsibility for his problem. He never wanted to get better before, and she believes that it is because of his love for me and the fact that he does want a future with me, one that isn’t consumed with addiction.
The town he lives him is far from the happy-side, many of his former friends are addicts, a few have come and gone in his life since I’ve been here. Most of the time to ask him for help. When he is high it isn’t my boyfriend anymore, it’s a hollow shell of what he first was.
I’m well aware that addiction often go hand-in-hand, his family history is riddled with addiction, and his father suffers from severe depression. Before he left he sat down with his mom and deleted any contact he had to heroin, and that gives me some type of hope.
I feel that his journey to recovery has just begun, and that he is very well aware that this will not be an easy road to flow upon, but I have faith. I may be naïve, stupid even, but I’ve seen his true self, I know who he is, and he is not an addict at heart. He wants to be clean, but his environment around him sets so many obstacles in place. We leave about a half-hour from one another, but see each other more often than you’d suppose.
He goes through binge stages, and most of the time resorts to use as a coping mechanism, I want to help him be the person he wants to, but I don’t know how to help.
Please, if there is anyone whose situation is as similar as mine, I am begging you to give me some type of insight. I love this man more than any words can say.

I feel that the only way I can help him is to up and leave the state, go somewhere beautiful and restart our lives. Again, I’m well aware this is naïve, and that I do not have the resources to do so, but I am not ready to give up hope.

Amanda Andruzzi
12:38 am November 14th, 2015

Rachel,
I have been exactly where you are so no judgements here. But you also need to hear the truth and what life could have in Store for you if you stay. Addiction is strong and if you are not prepared you will keep going back for more. Please pick up my book, Hope Street, you will really feel understood.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

katie
3:04 pm November 29th, 2015

Hi there my first marriage broke up 8 years ago….7 months ago I met a lovely guy…We spent every weekend together doing stuff like going for walks, going bowling, fishing….total romance…He loved coming down to my place every weekend (we live about 60k away from each other) He told me from the beginning that he was (in the past) a cocaine addict but the life he was having with me was all he wanted….He wasn’t using during those months and everything was wonderful. He would tell me hundreds of times throughout the day how he loved me and how happy he was with me. Then about 6 weeks ago something changed…We fought constantly. ..I now know he was back on coke…He dumped me telling me I was too good for him, he’d only hurt and let me down…He still loved me. He has told me the time with me was the best of his life and he was never happier. …He doesn’t want the coke life and needs to sort out his demons….I have told him I love him so much and will support him…He has come down to me the past two weeks and during the day the lovely man I met is there but on both weekends we went out for a few drinks…The first weekend he got paranoid at the end of a lovely night and told me to go on back to my ex..We had an amazing row and I was particularly nasty to him about his ex..His friends and his past…next morning he was fine with me…loving….when he went back to his home that evening and all last week he was horrendously distant (I know he wasn’t using)…I gave him every opportunity not to come to my sisters wedding last weekend but despite the fact that he says it’s over between us he wanted to come…The morning of the wedding was lovely…again like the beginning. ..but that evening he turned nasty again….telling me I made him sick…He couldn’t have sex with me blah blah…next morning again he was all apologetic…told me again he loves me…If he had a hammer he would hit himself in the head to knock some sense into himself. …says he needs time to sort his head out…..someone please help me…I love this man

Amanda Andruzzi
2:29 pm November 30th, 2015

Katie,
These events and his behavior are serious warning signs. This man is an addict and he is not ready to be in a relationship. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an active addict. There is a difference between being in recovery and just abstaining from drugs. Unless an addict has complete awareness that staying sober is a complete lifestyle change, they are not in recovery. I too, thought it was okay to have drinks with my boyfriend, even though he stopped using cocaine but this sent me down a long path of living my life according to the addict. Please keep reading my other articles here and pick up my book, Hope Street, about my journey with an addict. You need to understand what lies ahead.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
view the video trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Heartbroken
6:54 am December 1st, 2015

I am so grateful to have found this blog .. I don’t feel alone . Quick version of my situation.. I started dating a man a few months ago who swept me off my feet. He made me feel like a princess . I thought it was too good to be true . Always wining and dining me . As time went on I had my suspicions of possible cocaine use but thought Looked the other way . I haven’t been around drug users in many many years . My trust in him started to decline . He would disappear . Stated off for hours and sometimes lead to a day or two. I saw a text message that referred to it ” snowing ” so my suspicions were becoming valid. A few days later I brought up in a conversation how I was against drugs and he flipped on me .. Made me feel like how dare you imply something so stupid .. He disappeared for 2 days .. I kept reaching out to him even apologizing . I questioned my own sanity . Our relationship was like a roller coaster .. When we were together it as good but when we weren’t physically together it was different . He was always not available . Needless to say his behavior was changing and I think he thought I was figuring things out . Let me explain that I don’t thing he uses Coke as recreation. I believe he used it almost Ina daily basis . I can see a difference in his behavior . We spoke Monday night last week after he was shady all weekend.. He got upset about something minuscule and I never heard form him again. My birthday was 2 days later and I did not hear from him . He completely vanished . I know he’s not dead or in jail because I see him online an Facebook . I have texted him repeatedly and he continues to just ignore me . It’s like jeckle and Hyde .. Nothing makes sense to me and the fact that he just disappeared on the woman he claimed he loved just breaks my heart . Is this normal textbook behavior of an addict ? Will I ever here from him again ? I know he loves me . Unjust feel that he couldn’t keep up this other persona of who he wasn’t . I even said on my messages that o know what’s going on and I still here for you .. But nothing

katie
1:56 pm December 5th, 2015

HI HEARTBROKEN…your story is so similar to mine…as you will read from above..I too met a man a couple of months ago…talk about pure romance…It was everything I dreamt of and wanted….I knew that in the past he had been a cocaine addict but was off it…having no experience of drugs I assumed he was “cured” though the craving might be there I stupidly thought ah he’s got me know…We went for walks every weekend….did lovely romantic stuff..when he went home on a Monday he would phone and text me maybe 50 times a day telling me how much he loved me…how much he loved this lifestyle with me and how good I was for him…I had a wall up to protect me as I’d been hurt before….but I let the wall down and fell in love with him…then bam..about 6 weeks ago he start using again and boy did I see a difference..He became moody…paranoid..highly critical of everything. ..when he was with me at the weekends he wasn’t using and the loving man was there. ..but once he went home omg he changed..like you…He wouldn’t answer calls or texts though he was active on Facebook. .when I would get him he would be cold…then the weekend would come and he’d be back in my house…hugging me…loving me….We went out for a few drinks as you’ll see from my previous post and though he didn’t use he got hurtful and nasty….I argued back…next morning he was loving as usual….went home and again he ignored me for days…I apologised for my part in the row but he never did…..the next weekend we had my sisters wedding I told him not to come if it was over between us as it would be too hard for me…but he came so I assumed he wanted to make a go of it….We had a lovely morning before the wedding and lovely day….He left the wedding early..said he was going to my house as he wasn’t well…so I stayed for another 2 hours then headed home…He wasn’t there he had gone to another bar in the town…One where coke is freely sold….I don’t know if he got some but I suspect he did…when he got home he said some hurtful things to me…He fell asleep but in his sleep he held my hand and started saying he loved me..then cried in his sleep that he just wanted to go home…next morning he had no recollection..He told me again he loved me and wanted to be with me and needed to sort his head out..anyway we had a laugh…i hugged him told him lots of time i loved him he hugged me back said he loved me…left my house said hed see me next weeked.told my 18yr old daughter hed see her next weekend….then bam nothing no contact..ignored my calls and texts..finally got him on Wednesday and he told me we are finished now and he says he loves me but it’s for the best that I should walk away…I begged him not to finish with me…I tried everything….pathetic..told him how much I loved him..how I would support and help him blah blah….He got nasty again and told me to stop and walk away…..I cried for days….didn’t eat for days but guess what…..YES I LOVED HIM…YES I MISS HIM…. but I need to take the rose tinted glasses off now and see I miss the companionship…I miss the hugs and the daily declarations of love. ..but at the back of it..even when he wasn’t using he could turn moody and paranoid within minutes then back to the man I loved…when he start using hell the roller coaster was out of control….give yourself time to grieve and get strength to walk away….I am finding it hard…I’m stalking his Facebook page every half hour looking at Al the photos he has up of our amazing time together and clinging on to the hope that the man I loved will look at his photos and want me back….I need to get realistic and see that’s not going to happen. ..I wish you all the best and hope we both find strength to walk away….We both know it’s the right thing to do for ourselves we just need to take the rose tinted glasses off xxxxxxxxx

Leslie
2:47 am December 7th, 2015

You just perfectly described the last 2 years of my life. He dumped me yesterday, and though I am shattered, that may be the only thing that saved me.

Charlottes
3:24 am December 8th, 2015

I am stuck in a rut in my relationship and hope for change every day, problems…you name it, we’ve got it. I guess if I start from the beginning you can understand more and let me know if it’s me that’s the problem or do I need to walk away…
So my boyfriend was with his ex for 2 years and she had a child with somebody previous to him but my boyfriend basically bought this child up with her for 2 years and took her on as his own (they don’t have any of there own children together) he is covered in tattoos of his exs name and date they got together and even her daughters name is on his chest bare in mind they split up 2 years ago so I don’t know why they haven’t been covered up by now, he was quite controlling when we first got together and I liked it because I liked that somebody cared about me that much to get jealous and want to spend all there time with me so I done everything he suggested was for the best, distanced myself from friends, devoted myself to him, got my implant out my arm (I’m 20 and he’s 27) I’ve been willing to give my entire life up for this man. I lost a baby 2 months ago and I’m now pregnant again and he’s just not following through with the promises he made, he doesn’t cheat or hit me but he doesn’t take me anywhere he doesn’t compliment me, he’s horrible to me, he never wants to spend time with me, he has no loyalty to me I don’t feel like he has my back at all, we argue every day, and he has now told me he’s got a drug problem, I’m having this persons child I feel like I’m trapped because I don’t want to be on my own with a baby and an abortion is not an option because I’m in love with this baby already, I feel like I’ve give my life up and have so much love respect and loyalty for him and not only is it not appreciated, it’s not returned, I don’t know what to do, will he change once the babies born? Or have I let him get away with too much? He goes out every other night with friends and takes drugs and is nasty to me and doesn’t have the time of day for me, and when I moan or nag he tells me to go out and get a life or see my own friends knowing I can’t do that because I have no friends because of him, I’m comparing myself to his ex and how he took her child on that wasn’t even his but I’m carrying his first baby and he tells me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him yet his actions say otherwise

Amanda Andruzzi
5:50 pm December 8th, 2015

Katie, Leslie & Charlottes,

I understand all of your feelings in fact I’ve had all of your feelings and then some. I met my ex-husband when I was 19 years old and we were together for 12 years, married for six and had a daughter together. I know how hard it is to walk away but if you are in a relationship where you know something is seriously wrong then you should go with your gut and stop trying to look at things the way you want them to be and instead look at them as they really are. If someone has a drug problem you cannot have a healthy relationship with them and trying will only cause you pain. When you try to have a relationship with someone who is an addict it says a lot about your state of health. I loved my ex-husband but his life and sobriety became more important than my own life and that is where I realized this was more about me and my issues than his issues. I became addicted to him and trying to help him so I could have the man back that I saw only in glimpses. The truth is he is and always was an addict and that was really who he was. I hope you get a chance to read my book, Hope Street, and the other articles I have written in this blog because I think it will really help you feel less alone and to be able to look at it from an outside perspective.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Tracey
6:02 pm December 20th, 2015

I’m in love with an addict and need help myself.

Danielle
8:19 pm December 21st, 2015

Hello I am 46 years old and have just kicked out my husband of 18 years for the third time due to addiction. Last year he revealed a 3 year norco addiction in June. I stool by his side held his hand through it all for him to then reveal a affair 2.5 years of the addiction and she was the big supplier. We separated and in October last year he begged to come home claiming he was clean and wanted his family back. I let him. By dec 30 of last year the same lies missing for long periods of time began to occur again, I asked him to leave. I then found out another girl came into the picture but worse than the first. We went out on disability and he progressively got worse. I had to obtain a restraining order. In February this year on my bday he took my truck completely destroyed it brought it home to me and pulled a knife on me. The cops came it took 4 cops to take him down with tazers. Immediately he started calling from jail apologizing crying and admitting all the wrong he did. He begged for rehab and help. I stood by his side but needless to say he walked away with a felony and a strike and lost an awesome job of 10 yrs making 27 an hour. In April he was released to a court ordered program for 6 months after 60 days they asked him to leave. I then entered him into the va hospital outpt program in July this year we spent hours at court and spent a large sum on fines and lawyers. Needless to say he with periodically have set backs was difficult to deal with in the program and then began providing tampered urine tests. All along he has been paranoid and believes there was a conspiracy againist him and that he was framed. He states the drugs were provided to him by local police departments and that the second girl was a set up in his life to defame his character. I put up for this for 4 months. Last weekend I could take no more and called the cops making him a 5150. He had not slept in days was extremely irritated and I just couldn’t stand by and fear his unpredictable behavior. While in the hospital I got many phones calls ranging from he dead to me, to he just wants to come home, how he doesn’t want to loose me, to how he’s ready to change. He was released Saturday I took his car and belongs to him he proceeded to tell me for the past four months he has done meth everyday and wanted to point out the good times we had I asked what his point was he stated see it’s all under control. He now is living with my stepson 26 and his mother in law from a previous marriage. My stepson will not stop helping him even though he is so upset with his father. The rest of the family has cut ties. I struggle daily because I miss the man I once was married to. Iam not happy when he’s here but I miss him so much when he’s gone. He has betrayed me in every way possible. It’s so hard to let go the man I knew years ago would have never done the things then that he’s done now. I find myself daily worrying or waiting for that one phone call to say he’s no longer alive. Iam frustrated all the effort and time I have invested for him to go right back to what screwed his life up last year. Iam tired worn out and crushed he continues to pick meth over his family. Sometimes I find myself reasoning with my self that maybe him being here is better so that at least someone’s babysitting him. Any advise? Iam so broken and hurt

Amanda Andruzzi
11:02 pm December 21st, 2015

Danielle,
Do you think you should spend your life babysitting someone? The decline on meth can be very rapid so I would not wan to expose myself or my family to it and it is not your journey to take, it is his. Cutting ties is the only way because allowing him back home is like saying his meth use is okay. He has proven he is not ready to go into recovery and you need to make the committment that you are not ready to give up your entire life to watch him decline. It is scary but you will be okay if you can let him go. Letting him go means that your life is no longer dictated by his state of being. It is a difficult task but it is possible. That is why we are all here, that is why I wrote Hope Street and write articles on this blog.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

tanner
9:31 am January 2nd, 2016

Hello, my husband is 13 years younger than me ,we been together 18 years. First 7 or 8 years were Google but now terrible.,was afew drinks then a few pils. Now I no he is big time drug and acholic. He has even told me I was so easy to manipulate that it was hard not to,, I be lived every thing he told me and now realize what a fool I been., I guest I was stupid but was fooled for a long time. Now my problem, I we’d home before met no prenuptial can’t live like this but he want leave says this his home tell me what to do please thank you

@tanner
11:35 am January 4th, 2016

Im seriously trying to comprehend what you just tried saying ..?

KKL
7:56 am January 6th, 2016

Wow! Reading this article is insanely familiar. My boyfriend and I met at 20 and 22 and have been together for almost seven years now. We have almost two year old twin girls and I have a seven year old from a previous relationship. My son only knows my boyfriend as his father. Almost to a T our relationship is just like this article. I have been through so much. Tried everything, enabled, put my foot down, been in denial, hopeful, over it, done with him, lost our home, been put in very bad situations. He’s been an addict since I met him which of course just like in this article I didn’t know of first. My love for him played out just as which you’ve described here. He has been to jail about three times (one time for a year) and to rehab about 6 times for no longer than 3-4 months. Currently, over the summer he went to rehab again and left after 3 months and almost
Immediately started doing dope again. It’s been 3 months now of him using and tonight he went back to detox and then to a two year rehab that he’s been to twice already. He is NOT a functioning addict! I know him like the back of my hand. I’m not naive to it anymore. I know when he’s lying, when he’s loaded, can tell by the way he breathes over the phone. I know he’s a master manipulator and just full of lies!!! He asked me tonight on his way to detox why do I want to still be with him? After all these years and all the pain and horrible things he’s done to me. At first like most times he has asked me this question, I was stumped and couldn’t even answer it in my head. But I quickly found the answer and my reply was Bc I love you like I’ve never loved anyone, I’m still hopeful, you’re the father of my kids and you’re the only person I want to be with, but I need you sober and to get help. I have told myself and him the last two times he’s gone to rehab that this is the last time doing this! That if he doesn’t get it right I have to move on. I notice each time I get stronger and put up with less when he relapses, but when will enough be enough? It is such a chance to take either way. I know ppl do recover from addiction, but the unknown of if he chooses sobriety and fully committs is so hard!!! I really don’t want to be with anyone else but him! He is my best friend. I just can’t give myself clarity of if sticking around a little longer is just completely insane!! I know to outsiders it definitely is, but I don’t listen to them bc of that reason! They have no clue!! I am living back at my moms with my three kids, back in college, can’t work to afford daycare for two plus my bills and am barely making it with no financial help from anyone but student loans! A huge part of why I’m afraid to finally let it go is the what if I leave and he does finally get clean and actually stays clean and meets and starts a family with someone else. I think that would KILL me after everything I’ve been through with him and stuck by his side through it ALL! It hurts not just for my heart but for my kids. i would completely feel used, unloved and not special to him and that hurts me so bad! I already feel used and unloved to a degree bc of the way his addiction sometimes makes him treat me. He can be verbally abusive and just mean when he doesn’t get his way! Worse than my 7 year old. Idk what to do anymore! I keep telling myself if he leaves rehab and starts up again j know I need to walk away, but by the time I get to the point of walking away he’s back trying to get sober and leaves me with some sort of hope. And right now with my being back in school and my hands so full with three kids I don’t even have time to fully move on or get out and do new things. It’s like I think well he’ll be in rehab and I’ll just be doing what I need to do but I won’t let myself really move on. Do I sound completely crazy???

Amanda Andruzzi
5:28 pm January 6th, 2016

KKL,
You are not crazy, I have been through it all, 12 years of living with an addict, 6 married and one child. I could sit here and write back a diatribe to let you know I understand and that there is hope but I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, to help others. Please pick it up if you can the link to the book trailer is below. You will see you are not alone.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sid
5:07 pm January 7th, 2016

Thank you Amanda for all of your articles they were great.when I’m going through your articles most of the time My life reflected to myself.im in relation with an addict for more than 6 years.every time he promises me something I totally trusted him with all my heart but all he does is break those promises nd it’s killing me deep inside I feel like I’m bleeding.he would blame me all time for the consequences he has to face.its too much of blame for me take.ive loved him in every possible way but all I get is the pain that I’m dying every second.please help me to get him back.hope to hear from you soon.thank you.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:02 pm January 7th, 2016

Sid,
I am glad that these articles have been of help to you. I would really like you to focus on getting you back. I know what it feels like to want to die every day and help somebody that you love so deeply to see that they are destroying their life. Unfortunately you can only change yourself and hope to inspire the people around you. You have to be OK no matter what state he is in. There is hope, I have written my memoir, Hope Street, to help others learn from the experience that I had. Being a co – addict is something that we have to come to terms with.

Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Angel
4:32 pm January 16th, 2016

Hello,
I enjoyed your article. I am deeply in love with my husband of 23 years. We are separated now because he overdosed and went to a treatment place but he recently checked out. He won’t talk to me, he’s not wanting to come home but we battle back and forth over he phone. It’s a game. I try to move on, but I continue to worry about him, I cry at night being alone and wish things were better. I miss him even though he treated me so horrible because of his addictions and I would get so angry. It’s just a mess. I’ve tried everything. I love him so much but I hate him too. I just can’t seem to let him go. Even though he hates me now I’d still be there when he calls but it’s like getting a snake bit. I pick up the snake and he bites me everytime leaving me crying. I’m getting to old for this and I keep thinking once he grows older he’ll calm down and want to stop but he hasn’t so far. Everyone of our friend and family can’t understand why I love him and keep taking him back and helping him. I’m so stupid because when I do he hurts me worse. HELP!!

Amanda Andruzzi
9:40 pm January 17th, 2016

Angel,
You are not stupid, if you are then all of us here are too. You are caught in a vicious cycle, the ups and downs, the drama, and the hope that the great guy you once loved can come back. We all wanted to get the person we fell in love with back, so that it not stupid at all! There will be a time though, where you will want to move on, not because you don’t love him or care but because you find that you are no longer the person you used to be and your life has become unmanageable dealing with this. This is where I can help. It is scary, sad, lonely, and heart wrentching to think about moving on but it can be done and there is a great life waiting for you, you just have to get through this part–the leaving. Please don’t give up, keep reading about this here and sharing.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Anna
6:04 am January 20th, 2016

My heart can’t take anymore! Your addiction becomes my cross to bare. My tears are never known my voice is never heard and my heart is broken. I’m living with a ghost. He used to be alive. He could feel, give and receiving love. Oh I wish he were here to see his children grow but I’ll raise them and see what his dead eyes can’t.

Stacie
7:13 pm January 20th, 2016

I am not sure how or where to begin. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and we have an amazing relationship. We moved in together and are planning to get married in a couple of years. I guess I need to add that I am the reason we are waiting so long. I am scared of marriage. Anyway, when we started dating, my boyfriend was very upfront about his issues with drugs in the past. He told me everything and answered all of my questions. I was satisfied with his honestly and with his answers to my questions. Recently, however, I have been feeling like something was off. There were strange little things that I dismissed as being odd but not something to really worry about. Well, on Friday I started questioning things a little more and noticing more. On Friday night, my boyfriend started sneezing uncontrollably and his nose was running a lot more than normal. Ok, still not that odd, until I looked at his nose that night. I saw what I thought was cocaine on his nose. I wouldn’t have thought anything but that was his drug of choice in the past. Since Friday, his behavior has changed. On Monday, he called off work, something he would never do. I still didn’t think it was a huge deal, I was off and he wanted to spend the day with me. Monday night, his tooth hurt him so bad he almost cried and didn’t get very much sleep that night. He complained about it to me most of the day through texts while he was at work yesterday. However, he came home last night and was pain free and in an amazing almost euphoric mood. He was hyperactive, very talkative, fidgety (especially with his hands), and overly happy…singing and laughing at things he wouldn’t normally find funny. It was very strange. This morning was even more so. We get up every morning on the weekdays at 5:10am. He is a creature of habit. He hops up when the alarm goes off, yells at it, turns it off, and then runs around the house getting ready like a chicken with it’s head cut off. He then proceeds downstairs, grabs what he needs, and flies out the door. I wait for him outside in his car and we talk for a few minutes, he kissed me goodbye, says “I love you”, and leaves. Today it didn’t happen like that. when the alarm went off he didn’t move at all. I had to tell him to get up and turn off the alarm. I went downstairs and waited for him to come down. He finally made it downstairs with his pants unbuttoned and zipper down. I asked him about it and he told me that the pants didn’t fit anymore but oh well. This, in itself, is strange because he is very into his appearance. Then, as he was standing in the kitchen, he looked at me funny and said something I have never heard him say. He looked at me with the strangest look and said “What do I do next?” This scared me. I told him that he needed to grab his pens and his coat. That kick started him a bit and I went and got into the car, like normal. When he came out and asked me why I didn’t bring out his lunch I just told him that I was tired. That was a lie. I was so worried that I had forgotten. When he came out and sat in the car, he was almost lethargic. He couldn’t keep his eyes open and he was moving slowly. I asked him about it and told him that I was worried. I made him promise to call me when he got to work. He did just that, thank goodness. When he left for work I decided to go up and look in his closet where he has his laptop bag and briefcase. I am not sure why I did this or what I was looking for but I was horrified when I found what I found. I found cocaine paraphernalia (pipes, a plastic tube sort of thing with cocaine residue in it, etc) ok, this could be explained as things he had a long time ago but I found a butter knife that came in a set of butter knives that we got from my son when we moved into together. Now I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go from here, and I have no one I can confide in. I have never been in this situation before. Please help me. Thank you

Cat
2:25 am January 22nd, 2016

Hello I am I’ve been dating a man off & on for 3 yrs .. Every time we get close he moves in .. But always running from another relationship.. Anyways this time around when he moved in .. He became honest with me .. He admitted to being addicted to pills .. The last time we dated .. But now he’s on 100mi of methdome .. I tried to date him for a week .. But then told him me or your drugs .. He went cold turkey off methadome 30 days ago .. We got in a fight about him lying & cheating on me .. Anyways two days later he has now moved out & won’t return my calls & texts.. I have gotten mad ..But most of all blame myself for telling him I’m there for him but I feel like I have failed him .. I got angry let him move out & he’s now gone .. Feeling so alone .. Feeling all his feelings for me where lies .. He never stopped drinking the whole time he was cold turkey off methdome .. Told me he needed a crutch to help him threw his days .. I’ve been sober for over two years so it’s hard for me to understand alcohol.. Help me !! I need some support .. Thanks for listening

samantha
12:12 am January 27th, 2016

Hi guys just wandering if you can offer any advice anything will help just feel really stuck at the moment. I have been with my partner for 9 years he is my first and only love and we have had 2 beautiful children together. Hes always smoked alot of weed and i got with him knowing this (stupid i know) but the past year hes got onto harder stuff crack cocaine and i just dont no what i can do he sells our stuff to buy hes stolen my wages off me and rent money everything you name it and still i continue to belive him when hes sorry and wont do it again! I dont no what it is! Everytime i tell my self get out and go but the next day i listen to him! Hes a brilliant dad and when hes not on it hes everything i want hes my partner and best friend rolled into one and i guess the reason i dont leave him is because i dont want to loose my bestfriend please any advice will be helpfull! :) thanks x

his girl
1:58 am January 29th, 2016

I have known this guy for going on 10 years. We have been the best of friends. In those 10 years I have watched him go in and out of rehabs in and out of jails until he finally thought he found the girl of his dreams. They married and few short months later get divorced all because he had a relapse. Now me and him have decided to try and be together and I know all about his past and how he can relapse. I have watched him go from being the best thing that ever happened to me into some complete stranger that I barely know. His whole family and all his friends have disowned him so I feel like im all the hope he has left. I just wished I could understand why when things get going bad he always goes back to using. And how do I help him without me getting hurt or me hurting him? I don’t know if rehab will help this time.

Briana
6:10 am February 4th, 2016

Hi, I don’t know if you still will respond to this. The dates are pretty long ago. I want to give it a shot, I have no other choice. I have been with my fiance for a year and a half. We started dating when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was in a vulnerable state at that time. He just came back from a detox and had implants to block opiates. He convinced me he’s drug addiction was his past and I looked at him with great strength because I thought he conquered his demons. I was terribly wrong. He relapsed 6 months into the relationship. I gave him the ultimatum, to lose me forever or I will help you get clean. He didn’t want me to leave. I stood. It was a battle and we broke up for a short period because he addiction was worse than ever. He called me when he went to a detox and he sounded like the man I fell in love with. He was at that point homeless. I took him in. We decided to get pregnant. Now He got comfortable, which meant I was missing money all the time and my car was always gone for hours. I kicked him out. He went to rehabs. He never stayed, he told me he didn’t want to leave me alone pregnant. The stealing and lying continued. Only was it today, I found that he up his addiction to smoking crack. I cry every night. I want to leave but I’m stuck. I lost my family because I decided to be with him. I need your help. How do I leave ? I do i move on? Please help me.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:37 pm February 5th, 2016

Stacie,
I write back to everyone here and rarely ever get a response back. It is slightly disheartening but being a co-addict myself, I understand that you have to be ready to hear the information and most people are not, they are just venting and trying to find a way to help their partner. I tell them how they should help themselves. Those who are ready contact me, those who are not, never respond to my comments. Unfortunately, a lot more never respond but I keep on writing hoping one day they will muster up the strength to care for themselves and do what they need to do to move on. You are in the beginning stages of your journey and things usually get worse from here so I won’t tell you what you don’t want to hear but I will suggest a few things; read the posts in this blog, read the other 35 articles I have written here and pick up my book, Hope Street, so that you can understand what may lie ahead. Your boyfriend is using again, sounds like crack, cocaine and possibly some opiates. Do not doubt yourself or allow him to tell you that you are crazy or not seeing things you are actually seeing. Addicts lie about everything! You have a choice right now to get on the merry-go-round of co-addiction or get off. Be informed before you make any decisions and learn from my experience, that is the sole reason I wrote Hope Street.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
5:48 pm February 5th, 2016

Cat,
This may sound strange or cruel but he is doing you a favor. This behavior is purely from addiction and he is not in recovery. Drinking is just another addiction he replaced with the old one and another will pop up unless he goes for serious intensive help of HIS OWN WILL. Mourn him, give yourself time to heal and try to sort through the reasons you are not able to let go so that you can move on to a healthier you and a healthier life and hopefully a healthy relationship with someone else.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
6:16 pm February 5th, 2016

Samantha,
You have a very big decision to make for yourself and your children. Smoking crack is something you need address. You should try an intervention with an unbiased interventionist and your entire family (not kids) and be prepared to make good on your boundaries. If you keep going back on what you expect from him and enabling, things will stay the same or get worse. Please read the other articles I have here, especially on how to deal with addiction in families. You have to do what is right and safe for you and your children.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
6:20 pm February 5th, 2016

His Girl,
He has never really gone into recovery, so this is his lifestyle, his pattern and unfortunately this was not going to change just because you are in a relationship with him. You have seen it firsthand as his friend and now as his girlfriend. His recovery has to be something he lives every single day for the rest of his life or he will be fooling himself. 100% abstinece from drugs is really the only way, so the relapses are just his pattern and in between he may be doing another drug or have the will power for a period of time but he is not in recovery. You need to make a decision, do you want to live this way? You cannot change him, only offer him support and create boundaries and make sure you keep those boundaries if he breaks his promise. But eventually this will get tiring and if he does not get serious or want to be in recovery, there is nothing you can do. I played this game for 12 years with my ex-husband. That is what Hope Street is all about.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
6:25 pm February 5th, 2016

Briana,
The first step in leaving is being ready. You may want to leave but unless you are prepared to do it and mourn your relationship, you will continue to go back. You are in a vulnerable state and maybe it was not the best choice to become pregnant but what’s done is done. You can only move forward and try to provide a stable home. He, the way he is, is not part of that equation.
When you are ready and you feel that you will not take him back, that is when you can start your road to recovery. You need to heal and figure out why you cannot leave a highly toxic relationship. Therapy, al-anon, support groups and asking family and friends for support to leave (even if they are not talking to you) will help you through this. Your children will help you through this because every time he steals from you, he is stealing from the mouth of your children. He is not stable, in recovery, or ready to get clean but that does not mean you need to suffer along with him. You can do this, on your own and by enlisting the help of anyone who can support you through it. You will know when enough is enough, but I write these articles and my book, Hope Street, to help you through my experience so that you may come to that point a lot sooner than I did.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Erica
6:03 am February 6th, 2016

Hi Amanda, I’m so grateful for this article and the time you take responding to all these comments. I met my bf when I was 15 at a party he was 19 and I just thought he was amazing, I was head over heels but I never saw him again…fast-forward 7 years and I got a message on a dating site turned out to be the same guy. Things moved fast and I knew within a few weeks he had an issue with drinking..
He didn’t know when to stop, at the time I was 22 and partying was a part of my life but deep down I knew his lifestyle was more then just partying. He was charming and I desperately wanted to help him because I loved him regardless of the substance abuse. He suffered a brain aneurysm a year later and got clean for almost 2 years until I found out i was pregnant. He started drinking again not coming home after work. A year ago he came home completely blacked out and threw me down the stairs infront of our kid. I called the police and he was charged with assault I left and we went into counselling he stopped drinking and after 8 months we moved back in. I noticed he lost alot of weight and his mood was up and down but I just thought it was from the brain surgery as that is common…anyways last week I noticed money missing and immediately suspected something was going on. Without any hesitation I packed up and moved out. I called him and he admitted to using cocaine aggressively once he had to quit drinking. He’s on probation from the other incident so now he is breaching. My heart breaks for my daughter but for some reason I just knew I was done and thankfully from our counselling together I knew if he kept it up and I stayed I’d just be enabling him and I’d be a part of the problem. It’s been a week and I miss him like crazy but I know in the end it was the right thing to do. I hope he gets the help he needs and sticks to a sober life for our daughters sake. Thanks again for the article it helps to know I am not alone in this.

Bonnie
4:19 pm February 15th, 2016

Amanda,
It seemed like the anger would never end.Now it seems like the sadness and tears will never end.My husband has a severe crack addition. Now since he is out you said now he can go full blown in the addiction.Well now he has no choice but to work and he claims that he barely has used and works all of the time. Now because he found out I have been talking to a guy, he wants to start saying things that he know I want to hear. I really don’t know how much of this is just to talk me into taking him back verses is this genuine. I personally think he is still out there using and he doesn’t have a steady place to live. I do love and care for him, but I can’t live in hell with him anymore.This is a very hard step for me. I was so ready to get him out of here and so angry at him, but now that anger has turned to sadness. Is this normal? I figured Im grieving over the loss. It really does feel like a death took place. I have tried to make this work for 11 years and it seems every other year we are separating. He claims he is really hurt and I never wanted to hurt him. Now I feel well like shit that I’m hurting, he’s hurting, now other guy is angry at me. I told husband I have been trying to fight his battle for him and I can’t win cause it is not my fight. I tried to save him from it.I can’t do that either. I thinking seriously of therapy, cause I’m at the end of my rope on this. There has been a lot of damage done and Im not sure it can be fixed, this makes me sad as well. I’m also scared as hell to stay and I’m scared as hell to move on and leave him behind. I really don’t know what to to. I ask if things are normal, because I really don’t know what normal is. I felt so strong getting him out of here and now I feel in pieces and I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks for being here, listening, and sharing.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:48 pm February 15th, 2016

Erica and Bonnie,
You are going to go through a period of loss and of “what if’?” and that is totally normal. This point can make us break and go back…again and again and again or we can push through it and move on. That is really your own choice. A life with him will be either more of the same, constant distrust, even if there is sobriety and/or never knowing when it will happen again.
We become co-addicted or codependent and we are ruled by the emotions of the addict. When they are okay, we feel okay, when they are a mess, we are an absolute mess because we don’t have drugs to avoid the feelings. You have every right to go back but if you go to therapy and look deep down inside you will start to see the pattern and that the relationship issues and why you stay are more about your own insecurities and lack of self-love and self-esteem. It took me 12 years and many years after to understand why I chose to stay with an addict and have a child with him and why his addiction covered up my own issues with depresssion and self-esteem, because I thought if I could just get him better, i would be okay too. He wasn’t and I only suffered more. Think long and hard about you and your future before you make any decisions to trust what they say to get you back.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Asma
8:24 pm February 18th, 2016

I am glade that I found this blog. I have been married for 2 years now, last year I found out that my husband is a heroine addict. Before his addiction our relationships was ups and downs too much problems. what is weird for me he become more romantic after his addiction but I can understand why coz he is taking money from me. But he generally doesn’t care about my feeling since day one of our marriage. My mum is insisting on leaving him. For me now one day I feel I can’t live anymore with him and other day I feel how come I can leave someone in his weaken point in his life. But I have to be honest also, I don’t feel secure at all in my life right now and I don’t know which feeling is more true to me . He doesn’t spend any money on me even before his addiction start. I really need to your opinion. Thanks!

Shelly
9:53 pm February 18th, 2016

Hello, I’m 23yrs old, Doctor. My boyfriend is 25yrs old, he was a senior in college when I met him. He was addicted to dope and alcohol. He occasionally took mushrooms also. I used to smoke dope during college days not like an addict but just during parties and stuff so when we started dating his addictions really didn’t bother me. I used to smoke with him and he used to tell me to smoke less before I go out driving. He is still caring and loving but its been more than a year and I don’t see him giving up anytime. He was my senior in college but still didn’t complete his studies. I was a junior but now I finished before him and working. I’m madly in love with him, being a doctor I know how dangerous it is for him. Recently he told me that he wants to try different thing like drug abuse,cocaine etc. I was shocked, he himself is a medical student and he knows all the harmful effects that’s gonna happen to his body. I told him that if he continue to do all this he won’t outlive 40yrs but he seems okay with that. I don’t know what to do. All day at work I advice my patients to eat healthy and coming home I’m dealing with an addict. He wants to be high 24*7. I scared to continue the relationship but I can’t even imagine being without him or being with someone else. I feel so stupid, as a doctor I can clearly see whats happening to his body but I’m helpless. He won’t listen to me, last night I asked him this question “what will I do if u die? You don’t care about my feelings? Are you expecting me to live my entire life alone and missing u?” all I got was “I don’t wanna argue. You knew about this when you started dating me, my love for you is unconditional but I can’t stop all this” ?? Its killing me everyday to watch him destroy his body. I have lost my happiness. Every time I watch him sleep I wish he wakes up to the guy I fell in love with.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:05 pm February 19th, 2016

Asma,
You should be asking yourself what about this relationship do you actually love. This person has taken advantage of you and doesn’t treat you well so I am not sure what you’re holding onto. You should really be looking within yourself to understand why you are in this relationship and what it represents for you and why you’re having trouble letting go. I think the issue with you is more about leaving and not knowing if you’ll ever find someone makes you feel good and also you are having trouble with abandon abandoning him. I promise you, you are not abandoning him, by staying you are abandoning yourself.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:35 pm February 19th, 2016

Shelly,
Just because you are a doctor does not mean that you have to have it all together and you have be what people see. We all have our weaknesses and you are human. You love him and are a co-addict so none of this will be easy but you need to start focusing on blending the person you present and the person you want to be instead of living two lives. It doesn’t sound like a future with this man is in your plan or will give you the happiness and future you want and deserve. I am concerned about you, smoking dope, even just recreationally and dating an addict is a slippery slope. If you tell him not to and do it yourself then what message are you sending and as a doctor how can you recommend people be healthy? You should take a deep look at this and make some important decisions about your life.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Brianagaraventa
5:39 am February 26th, 2016

Thank you Amanda. I think every day I am getting to the point of leaving. Nothing about this relationship is good. It’s poison and I will look for support to help me. You are right. I shouldn’t have to suffer because of him. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time out and responding to me. I’m just in a very dark time at the moment and your words helped me.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:30 pm February 26th, 2016

Briana,
Keep reaching out, you are not alone. The more you do, the more you will see you have support and that things will be okay. Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

sam t.
9:05 pm March 4th, 2016

Hello,I’m 23 years old, my boyfriend of two years is addicted to prescription drugs. He told me it was only recreational use and I believed him. Mainly because I wanted that to be the truth as I look back on it now. It wasn’t until we moved in together did I know how bad it was. He can take up to thirty a day and still not have it be enough. I’ve gotten countless excuses as to why he won’t or can’t go into a treatment program. I recently tried breaking up with him to put further emphasis on how much I wanted him to get help. To him, as long as he’s helping pay our bills and any other help financially…I have no reason to resent the addiction or leave him for it. He says he’s cutting back. I guess that counts as trying? I dont want to leave him and send him deeper into that dark place, but ive found myself in a dark place as well. What should I do???? Please help me

Amanda Andruzzi
3:13 pm March 7th, 2016

Sam T.,

If you are going deeper into a dark place then you need to seek help. His addiction, like most, affects the people around them and addiction is a selfish disease. You need to create boundaries and then follow through with them, but more importantly, seeking help here is the first step but you need to not stop here. Drug addiction can not be “cut back” or it is not likely to be effective if a person “does it on their own.” An addict needs psychiatric care, self-care, medical care, lifestyle change, therapy, group counseling, tools and skills and sometimes medication before their chances of sobriety increase. If he tells you he is cutting back, it may last a little while but odds are things will swing back and forth until he is ready to change. It does not sound like that is the case and I hope you get to read Hope Street because I was you not long ago. My ex-husband supported me in a very nice lifestyle with our daughter but that didn’t change the fact that he was an addict and everything will always fall apart at some point when addiction takes over.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Destiny
9:48 pm March 19th, 2016

Hi. I met this guy when I was 16 years old and we fell inlove with each other. I found out after I had fallen in love with him that he used to have a crack addiction. He was clean when I met him and was clean for a year into dating him when he relapsed. I lost my mom to a drug overdose and my dad to liver failure because he was an alcoholic. I am clean and when he relapsed he just stopped speaking to me unless it was for money. When he came off the drugs he was clean for a while then he broke up with me cause he relapsed again. Then we moved away because I thought it would help. He was clean for a few months when we moved away but things didn’t work out and we had to move back. We were living together and he was working until one night he just didn’t come home. He was gone for 3 days and I knew right away he was using again so I moved out. When he came home I went back to him and said I understand because I knew he was depressed and needed support. He said he was gonna get help but he stopped speaking to me and kept using. He contacts me sometimes now for money. His addiction is getting worse and worse. I know that he really does love me though and he is an incredible person with a bad problem. I hate to see him go down this path but he doesn’t get help. It has gotten to the point where he is now on the streets and I have tried to stop talking to him because I am thinking hitting rock bottom is the only way. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don’t know if he will ever get clean again and stay clean

Jessica
4:05 am March 23rd, 2016

Hello I am 25 years old I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years he has been my first and only love since I was 15 years old we were so attached to each other that we could not stand being apart. My boyfriend and I both knew how it felt to be taking away from our drug addict mother and never even had a father in our life and from being able to relate to each other we bonded very fast. We promised each other that once we got married and have kids that they were going to have a better life then we did. I moved out of my aunts house at 23 and had my own job and I started back up at college and taking online classes. I let my boyfriend move in with me and we both split the rent and life was going good until a couple months later I found stacks of white small plastic wrappers with rubber bands tied around them I opened them and there it was it was a white powder substance and I knew it was heroin. Because my mom was on it all her life and she still is on it this day.. and all I wanted to do is cry and ask why? Why is this drug taking everyone that I love.. I confronted my boyfriend about the drug and of course he lied but finally admitted that him and his mom have both been getting high together. I knew my boyfriend was going through depression and his mom had her own issues and got prescribed pills and she would give them to her own son and when there wasn’t anymore meds to get high on he would go through withdrawals and that leaded him to heroin.. I got him into a rehab program he agreed to go but then refused to be kept on methadone because he didn’t want to be on it his whole life so after a couple weeks he got into a argument with another patient twice and they kicked him out..he is still working but all of his money is going towards the drugs. which leaves me with the bills stress and depression and a bad anxiety and he tells me he is going to weigh him self down and take less and less of heroin until the point where he will not need it anymore and one day he told me he was done with the drug that he doesn’t do it anymore but day by day I would find a empty wrapper stashed some where or he will be in the bathroom every 10mins or he is gone and lies to me about where he is going and when I confronted him about the empty wrappers he would say they were old and he just never threw them away..I’m just so torn I cry every night and I tell myself I’m leaving him everyday but I never do it because I always think that he is going to change and I’m going to get my boyfriend back and everything will go back to normal I struggle with this in the back of my mind everyday. Even when he is here by me it does not feel like he is there because I can’t talk to him there is no communication I do get a I love you everyday by him but that’s it. He is such a different person now it makes me so upset that I am always angry all the time all I want is for him to get better. How do I leave him when he has no other place to go? What if he overdose and die? He is my best friend and I am loosing him and it’s just not fair that I can’t fix this I love him so much . We have been through so much together and had so many plans for our future I don’t hate him at all I hate the drug I hate it so much

kimberely
12:44 pm March 24th, 2016

Are there any positive outcomes out there? My bf stopped drinking for 2 yrs and the first 6 months were amazing, he was going to meetings weekly and truly recovering. His family didn’t like him going to mtgs and tarnishing the family name, and he thought he had it under control so he stopped. Little by little he was less at peace, more irritable, it came in waves. I would retreat into silence instead of sharing my feelings-so afraid that he was going to drink again. He fell twice, we took breaks because i let him know i would not be in this if he was in active addiction. But the third time I ended it. He came back from a week vacation and came to see me said he realized he can’t drink with control. Is this a real realization or just a ploy to try this game again. If I were to try again what would be different? If his family would ever accept me i think that would help as that seems to be major in the tension that leads him to drink, but I don’t see that happening. He never missed work and always took care of all responsibilities before drinking started, quite a responsible alcoholic. The chores are done, the lawn is mowed, many women would be fine with his behavior but I am not, because I’m pretty sure it’s gonna get worse. Any chance of me making this work? I know he would stop for another two years if I would take him back but I don’t know if he would do the hard work in therapy to clear out the wounds that lead him back to drink. I know there are plenty of success stories out there though.

Amanda Andruzzi
4:40 pm March 25th, 2016

Destiny,
I am so sorry for your parents and how they have lived their lives. You might want to seek therapy to understand why you chose to stay in a relationship with an addict. Sometimes we repeat patterns because they are all we know and subconciously try to do something to change the outcome. For example, maybe you are trying to save him because you could not save your parents. Perhaps you are with him because you are used to the drama and the cycle that addiciton brings and it is familiar to you. I hope you find the answers you are looking for but I do not think you are going to be able to help him stop. Hitting rock bottom on his own may be his only way to walk into the doors of recovery. You will have to make a choice to work on you and understand why you cannot let go of a relationship that is so toxic.
Keep searching for the answers within yourself.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
4:47 pm March 25th, 2016

Jessica,
Please read the other articles I have written here, click on my name and all of them will come up. You need to start understand that the answers are within you and that you can change your life but that you cannot change his or help him any longer. This is his battle, not yours. You have risen above addiction and unfortunatley he hasn’t. Also pick up Hope Street, my memoir if possible because I too was in a highly co-addictive relationship with an addict who was my first love. We had a child and leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did but he was destroying my life. You need to understand that you can rise even further and have a happy life on your own and maybe someday with someone else. You need to understand the nature of addiction and that it is not personal towards you but it can destroy you just as much as it is destroying him.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
4:50 pm March 25th, 2016

Kimberly,
I wish I could tell you that there are a ton of success stories because I am sure there are but it is a gamble you take with your own life and happiness and your future. You never really know if an addict will start drinking again but you can use your gut instincts to know it an attempt at sobriety is really genuine. I cannot guarantee that he will never use again and if you can live with a life that is uncertain that is a decision you will have to make on your own.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Jane
11:48 am April 2nd, 2016

Hi,I have just this weekend finished my relationship with my cocaine addict boyfriend.i am absolutely heartbroken. Reading your article was like reading our relationship from start to finish and as much as I know there is no longer anything I can do to make the relationship work,I am finding it so hard to let go. He is like a lost soul who needed to be saved and made me feel only I could do it.but only he can.if you have any advice on how I can stay strong it would be much appreciated…I’m really going through it at the moment.

Amanda Andruzzi
7:46 pm April 15th, 2016

Jane,
I apologize this post slipped past me but I hope you are still out there. The secret is to go through the emotions of loss and allow yourself to grieve. It is a process and it may take longer for some than others but time, distance, distractions, therapy, learning coping skills and support groups are a great system to help you. Do not suffer alone and be around people who can help you and bring you up instead of the addict who was bringing you down for so long.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Margaret
1:14 pm April 23rd, 2016

Hi everyone. I’m so desperate for help right now. I’m 17 and my boyfriend is a heroin addict and he’s been in rehab for the past month. He comes home on Monday. While he was away, I learned the entire time we were dating (4 months) he was still using. He told me that he wasn’t and that he had stopped. He was couch surfing a lot, and ended up living with this girl that he told me was an old soccer friends sister. Well, that was also a lie because I found out he met her on Tinder and asked to move in with her when he got kicked out of his old house. Then, he proceeded to bring many girls there and fuck them all without my knowledge. He’s manipulated, lied, and convinced me to do heroin with him. I don’t do that anymore, because I am in IOP myself, and it was only 1 or 2 times. I don’t know what to do. I love my boyfriend very much, and I know he loves me. I know his heart and I know he’s a good person when he’s not using. What do I do? Stay or go? I’ve never had someone in my life like this before, and I’m just so stuck. I’m very close with his mom and his entire family, and I don’t want to lose that closeness with them either. PLEASE give me the absolute honest truth, I’m tired of trying to do this by myself.

Amanda Andruzzi
9:02 pm April 28th, 2016

Margaret,
Please listen to my advice and just consider it, even though, I was you at 19 and I know that nobody could have stopped me from what I did, it may have been different coming from a person who has already been there. Please pick up my book Hope Street so that you can have a real glimpse into your future. If someone sleeps around on you and convinces you to use heroine, even if you love them, you nee to leave them because they are very ill and toxic. You may feel like your feelings won’t allow you to and when we are young we act first on our emotions and think later and have to pay for our mistakes. You are going to make them, but now you can make an educated decision and possibly save yourself from something that will be potentially extremely awful. How can he love you if he sleeps with other woman, he doesn’t respect you and with love comes respect? You need to figure out why you still love someone that treats you this way, and I know from experience it has more to do with something that is missing in you or some issues you have, you just have to figure out what those are and work on them. Please, if nothing else, click on my name in this article and all of my articles will appear, read them and Hope Street and then tell me how you feel.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Jen
8:25 pm April 30th, 2016

This is exactly what I am dealing with.The rollercoaster ride.Here for week gone for two. He comes back apologizing for what he has done , his wonderful of a girlfriend Iam and that he is so lucky that I am there for him ,tells me he wants help but then does nothing to help himself.He asks me to find programs ,I’ve offered to even go with him but I don’t want to look up programs or do for him anymore, I feel bad because I love him dearly but I fear for myself waiting for the ball to drop crashing on my emotions and heart. This last time he left blaming me for everything saying the most horrible insults I truly was done until I found my self texting him to see how he is ,big issue is close friend of friend just died last week from OD. I can’t keep allowing my emotions to be played ,we get back together and everything is like a honeymoon stage, he comes over ,I hear the same” I miss you ,love you, can’t be without you, your my best friend ” and all those things and qualities that I know and he knows I am ,but let him sniff the demon and then I’m complete opposite.Each time he relapses then tries to stop his moods get worse. He told me this time he had a long discussion with his brother who has also noticed he is using again this time missing me and how hehas hurt me .I have actually this last time thought “I’m going to date other people and was letting go but its not that easy because the man I want I feel at times I don’t know who he is” or do I .It is a mixture of the two.I can’t stand when he wants to fight out of withdrawals then the blame starts ,the you just want me to live in a bubble with you ,you don’t want me to have a life” you don’t say those things to the girlfriend you say you love and want to marry, I am not a quitter but this is a challenge I never wanted.He has a lot of great qualities ,smart ,we have fun anywhere,so many things in common, when he is not lying or under the influence, he functions we’ll as an addict to the outside world but to me I know and see the real more than his own family,and when he leaves and tells me that its me thathurts me the most. He came back two days ago as I let him and I made dinner,dessert, we had a nice night then the next day its snotty snide remarks and he asks me what my prob then starts to tell me this is why I get like I do “are you kidding me,moods get worse and faster everytime now I asked him when the last time he used he said three days ago ,he denies any moods at all ” I m fine is the typical,I m in a great mood” He doesn’t see it ,then he does ,then he doesnt, my friends told me of alanon but in meantime I m sick of fighting or not being able to ask questions or have conversation without him treating me as if I’m doing something wrong . Please some insight ,thankyou!!

Cath
11:37 am May 2nd, 2016

Hi!
I have a boyfriend. We’ve been together for a month. During the courting stage, he never told me that he has drug addiction problem. His family concealed it from me as well. However, just recently, he had a relapse and suddenly becomes unavailable. I cannot contact him and he even changed his number. Since I’ve been so inquisitive from his family as to his whereabouts, his family then confessed that he actually had a relapse and deactivated all his social media accounts and closed all his devices hence unreachable. After hearing this for the first time, I was in awe and I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to leave him since I feel obligated to stay with him and help him to overcome this. However, I also feel scared that this is a big risk of somehow, I might prejudice my future if I stay with him. Can someone help me what to do? I haven’t told my family yet on his condition since I know they will not let me be near him if they knew that his an addict. I don’t want to leave him yet, I wanted to give him a chance to change himself for us. Do you think its possible? Thank you so much!

Amanda Andruzzi
2:24 pm May 5th, 2016

Jen,
I usually don’t push my book on people but in this case and in some I really need you to read it so that you can see what is really going on. Hope Street will help you feel like you are not alone and that you are not crazy or insane for what you are feeling. It will also lead you to hope and help you find a way for yourself through this and then out of this. I really want you to understand that you have nothing to do with his behavior, he is an addict and must have drugs and will do and say anything to keep using and have you too. This is part of addiction as well as his moods. He is using and you know that he can’t just stop and start so everything he tells you is suspect. You become a detective even though it is the last thing you want to be but there is zero trust and you hang on the idea that the person you love will come out. He is an addict, that is a big part of who he is. You need to come to terms with that first before doing anything.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:18 pm May 16th, 2016

Cath,
Have you read Hope Street? I highly suggest you read it to get a glimpse into your future if you decide to stay. All of us here wish we would have been able to leave early on but we believed we could help the addict change. This is not your battle, you cannot save him.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Nicole
3:41 pm May 26th, 2016

First time falling in love. My partner is sweet, caring, loving, funny, charismatic…until he smokes a bowl of meth…then he’s distant, quiet, seems like he’s mad but says he’s not…he’s like a completely different person.. My mind knew before my heart did that being with him was a bad idea
Now I’m attached to him, I worry when he’s gone for long periods of time, I lose sleep waiting for him to come home, I barely eat because I’m so anxious for his prescence I’m a co-addict and I don’t want to let him go

Amanda Andruzzi
3:42 pm May 29th, 2016

Nicole,
We have all been there, that is why I created this site, wrote my book, Hope Street and blog about the subject. We are all or once were co-addicts, that is why we are here. However, if you don’t take what we have learned and apply it to your own life then it is all useless or only cathartic. Your story and all of our stories are the same. We loved or love an addict and then we become addicted to the addict and his problems. That makes us sick too. After a healthy attempt at helping the addict is gone, why do we obsessively keep trying. We are trying to go after that first feeling or high that the seemingly sober addict gave us. We see it in glimpses and so we hope it will return for good. That is the vicious cycle we are on and the only way to stop it is to get off. Learn from all of us here who did this for years or decades and never changed ourselves but only waited and hoped the addict would change. Imagine if we all cared about our own well-being as much as we were concerned about the addict’s, if that were the case this would be a very different kind of blog.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sophie
1:22 am July 3rd, 2016

Hello I’m 19 nearly 20I can relate to this post but need a little advise I was with a guy for 3 years who was an alcoholic (whom suffered depression ) met him when I was 15 I knew he had a problem and I accepted to help the doctor said if he continues to drink his liver will pack in we had a rough year and a half it was hell lies bust ups arguments heart. Brake and even. Violence but we made it after just over 2 years alog of re hab medication therapy and hard work he did it we did it we were happy for a while after got engaged on my 18th birthday month later I just was t feeling it I think I had had enough we split I moved back home (300 miles ) there was no going back started a new job back home and if there is such thing as love at first sight he was it I felt bad not ready after the relationship I just left but I just couldn’t help myself we got serious fast he is a lot older with a child with another woman and I knew he did coke I was smitten and Shaf. I idea till the following year how bad his cocane ha but came out when the mother of his son co rafter me telling me he had been sleeping with there as well as me then it all came out he had been horrible to me telling me I was a stupid little girl no one would want me and I would never find anyone as good as him etc he is quite bad and I was that I love I let him away with it all and had. No idea he was addicted we are still together nearly a year since I met him and he’s really struggling in debut no car no house back with his mum and dad he wants me to help him but do I love him enough I don’t k ow what to do to go from an alcoholic to a coke addict I’m struggling at such a young age

Amanda Andruzzi
3:31 pm July 14th, 2016

Sophie,
This has to do more with you and what you want than him. Why are you in love with a person who cannot reciprocate? What does all of this mean for you and your sense of self-worth? There is something this type of relationship is re-creating or fulfilling for you that you have to figure out. It is in unhealthy relationships that we sometimes learn what our own issues are.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Richie
8:07 am July 17th, 2016

I need help!!!

I was the sober co-addictive man who loved his wife and tried many times to get her to be clean and sober. I spent an additional 5 years of a failed marriage to help her, but to no avail. I had to get her parents involved, which to this day my ex-wife has not forgiven me.

But this story is NOT about me.

I just found out 2 days ago that my friend (26), who is studying to become a doctor (her dream) is dropping out of school and wants to peruse an easier degree so she can find a job. I thought this statement was odd because she was always been passionate to become a doctor. Later that night, I was having drinks with our friends (she was not present) and based on random pieces of information, I concluded that her boyfriend is an addict and she a co-addictive girlfriend.

I texted her late that same night and she confirmed my suspicions and she strongly believes that she can help him to be sober. After our texts, all I can think about is how I “wasted” 5 years, the lies I told to my ex-wife’s family to protect her and to her job, and constantly having to pay off her huge drug use debts, else she or one of her family member will be harmed.

The following morning I confronted my friend and try to encourage her NOT to quit medical school for her boyfriend; all I got were lies and her trying to validate that he is getting better. I explained to her that she only has a few critical years for medical school because as she gets older, it will be more difficult. I asked her what sacrifices has he done to support her dream; she could not answer. I begged her to just go for one more semester, which she will begin in September.

I HAVE TO GET HER HELP … I HAD NO ONE AND I WASTED A PROMISING ENGINEERING CAREER AND I DON’T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO HER. All our friends call her drama queen and don’t really care; to be honest, most of them don’t know the whole story and some who do and they tell me that she has to experience it and she is beyond help. I suspect that her parents does not know of the drug addiction portion of her boyfriend’s life or that she wants to quit medical school; all they see is the boy friend’s charm and the fun their daughter is having.

I’ve determined that she is at the middle of phase one with her relationship. I NEED ADVICE!!!

S
6:55 pm July 24th, 2016

I am 31 years old, and I’m deeply in love with an absolutely beautiful 29 year old heroin addict! We have known each other for about 15 years, “together” a little over a year. I had my share of issues (mostly cocaine and alcohol) I have been clean, and sober for just over 9 years (thankfully haven’t even had the urge in years)! When we decided to give a relationship a shot I had not seen her in several years, and she promised that she was clean for 2 1/2 years at that point, that I have come to find was a lie (I know shocking). I have a very good job much better than I could have hoped for through the first years of my sobriety. I have been “helping” her with some legal issues (from 3+ years ago). Her car was impounded by the police for nonpayment of fines, so to save time and money I put the car in my name, less than a month later she was involved in a accident (thank god no injuries to her or anyone else) she was arrested for dui, leaving the scene of an accident, and possession of a needle! She told me she was arrested (warrant) and they impounded the car. I went to the police station to get the vehicle back, and was blind sided by the police asking about what kind of damage the car had they then explained that there was an accident, what she was actually arrested for, and that she had told them that her boyfriend had broken the windshield the previous day with a baseball bat (the officers were about to arrest me on domestic violence charges what kept me out of jail was my complete shock and literal speechlessness when they allowed me to see the car)! When I returned home she tearfully confessed to almost everything, she told me that the needle was not her’s and she was not high (she was having trouble sleeping and took “a pill ” ) . That was about 6 months ago since then the trust I had in her is gone. The past 2-3 months have been a complete nightmare she’s been arrested 5 times ( including twice in one day) mostly shoplifting, and 2 for possession. She has pawned her cell phone (a Christmas gift I gave her nearly $1,000). I honestly don’t know if she has told me the truth in the entire time, she is currently in a rehab facility nearly 3,000 miles away (hopefully the distance will help) she’s been there a few weeks into what the therapists are figuring will be a 3-5 month session, I really don’t know what to do anymore, I have offered the world to her told her as far as I’m concerned she never has to work again I will handle the money… But she has to stay clean, not just for me, not even her son (I somewhat planned to leave him out of this he is too young and unfortunately has seen way too much), but she has to get and stay clean for herself! She asked for the treatment center so I’m hopeful that maybe this time she’s ready? I have completely fallen for this gorgeous woman, the problem is I also fell for the line of crap she was giving me! I really love her (the old version) I truly don’t know what to do, I have a sister that has stopped talking to me a couple months ago because she thinks I’m going to be lead back to my old life (I’m not going to lie as I write this a bottle of whiskey is starting to sound pretty good) I can’t believe I “missed” what was happening right under my nose, but I did. Now I’m just trying to decide whether I’ll be here waiting for her to complete the program, or if I should/could bailout of everything I ever wanted?

Amanda Andruzzi
1:54 am August 1st, 2016

Richie,
You are a good friend to try and help her but much like an addict using drugs, she is a co-addict, addicted to the drug addict. She really has to go this journey the way she wants or she will always think of the “what ifs.” You can only tell her what you see, your experience and offer your support but you will not be able to stop her because right now she is hearing only what she wants to hear so that she can justify staying with her boyfriend.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:03 am August 1st, 2016

S,
There is no right answer and I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you this. Is this woman worth your own sobriety? The temptation, the stress and a direct route into a life of drugs is not the best environment for someone who might struggle with their own addictions. From the outside everyone will tell you to move on and that is this no good for you and from my own experience with an addict I would tell you the same thing but I also know that ache in your chest for her and that voice that keeps telling you there is hope for her. You have to go with your gut instincts here and see if you can ever trust her again because amongst all the lies and lines she will feed you, you know when she is using or lying.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Mary
6:51 am August 1st, 2016

I’ve been in love with a man whom I thought would be the last I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve been hearing a lot of feedbacks from other people that he has been using even before I came into his life. When we were living in, I was pregnant at 5 months of his child after I went through a very delicate crucial operation, i stayed in his house . A week later after I was discharged from a hospital we had a big fight for leaving me always alone in the home when I need him at my side. Until he walked away and send me home back to my parents. One month after, he apologized for what he did to me especially I was carrying his child. He kept on begging me to live back with him so that we can live a happy family. he promised me to change and he promised me everything. I gave him a second chance by being ” us” again but I never lived back to his house because my parents opposed. They despised him for what he did to me. So I just loved him from a safe distance. I still love him but the fear is living in me.

When we were living together I noticed several unusual behaviors from him like being hooked in pornography. He is fond of seing pornography , I feel it very weird to look into love making movies when I was there available for him. Sometimes, during our intimate moments , it’s hard for him to cum. I really wonder why. There were also times when he cannot sleep until morning and usually doing a repetitive tasks like repairing cellphones or downloading of apps or rearranging some icons in the phone. Sometimes wash his car at 12 midnight until 2 am. That sounds so weird right? There were also times when I suddenly wake up at 1:00 am he was not at my side. And when I would text him where he is at the moment, he told me he bought a cigarette. He went back in our house around 3 am. There were a lot of excuses like he cannot be home early because of some business transactions until 3 am. He always look for money.
When he is sober, he is very and very sweet. But , when I suspect he is using his behaviour becomes a monster. He keep on denying that he is not into “meth”. We just broke up recently. He told me , he still love me. What should i to?

Even if he kept on denying that he is not using meth but all of those manifestations of an addict can be clearly seen in him. The lies, excuses, cheat, manipulating, unexplained where money goes. Though i did not caught it in the act , but people were telling me that he is using his house like a drug house where a lot of his friends who are also known addicts are getting inside his room for a session. Sometimes, prostitutes came in. Those prostitutes he bring along with him in the house. I hate him. I really really hate him. I am hurt for our family especially for our child. I think I made the biggest mistake of loving a person who is not capable of giving back the love you deserve. What should I do to move on?

Jen
8:25 pm April 30th, 2016

I can really relate with you. Almost same story with you.

Amanda Andruzzi
4:07 pm August 8th, 2016

Mary,
I am sorry for your pain and the loss you feel. We have all been through it here. There is no easy answer on how to get through it, we each have our own journey. When you commit to letting go an only then will you seek out the things you need to help you heal. Being a part of the community here is a good start. If you click on my name near my picture in this article, Amanda Andruzzi, all of my articles will appear and I wrote them to help you move on. The steps are all spelled out but you have to be ready to take them. You need to care for yourself or you are no good for anyone.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

R Johnson
8:11 pm August 23rd, 2016

It is helpful to understand the reasons behind why sober people do commit themselves to staying with an addicted loved one. Especially in the case of the high-functioning addict, it can be extremely difficult to loosen the ties to the relationship.

AK
4:13 am August 30th, 2016

There’s a guy that I was friends with in high school, but he ended up doing online schooling a year after. We met after 3 years, and I fell for him. I had no idea that he was addicted to drugs while we were dating. He lied and hid many things from me to keep me in his life, and now he’s in jail after dating 12 days. I still have a strong feelings for him, but I don’t really know what I should do. I told him over the phone and said that I’d wait for him till he recovers and turns back into the old person. I don’t know if he really wants the same thing as what I desire.

Lindsey
9:37 pm September 11th, 2016

I have been a co addict for 6 long years. Everything in this article is spot on.
I am currently sitting outside of a donut shop crying waiting for him to show up because a crack whore text phone 4 days again and I kicked him out but cannot for the life of me walk all the way away.
Six months ago we moved from Pennsylvania to Florida help him get/stay clean and he was PERFECT for about 3 months. I couldn’t ask more BUT the last 3 months have been miserable. He may be going back to PA soon and I’m torn. I want the relationship to end but I really don’t. I just want the man he was when we first got here back.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:42 am September 13th, 2016

R Johnson, AK & Lindsey,
Thank you for sharing here. We all search fearlessly for the person we fell in love with but we live in fear everyday with the person we are presented with today; the addict. Recovery is difficult and it takes 100% committment and honesty and you will know the very minute something is not right. You have to start believing in yourself and trust your own instincts because as co-addicts we tend to ignore the signs and hope for the best. I wish this was the answer but it isn’t. We have to take a fearless inventory of ourselves and come to terms with the situation for what it really is and the likelihood that it may never change unless we change.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

The Co addict
12:39 am September 15th, 2016

My Story as of today… May not be typed perfect but I hope you guys can understand.
Is it really worth the heart ache? One man and one child… Both of them are my world and brighten my day. I can spend every waking moment with the two of them. Our laughs and goofy moments burn into my memory and I will never let them go. I care for them every day with happiness. My two boys love me completely and I love them to the moon and back.
But one of these boys has the power to break me down completely. He breaks me down to the point where I can’t breathe. When it gets like this I’m unable to find happiness and it’s all the goes through my mind. You would think that I would learn and take that power away from him, leave him, but I’m still here. I can tell myself that he’ll get better, he’ll stop. Or I can say that if I leave he’ll only get worse. I’m constantly worried about how my actions are going to affect him and his habit. Who’s worrying about me?
When we first met him I’d had seen him before and a funeral. The next time was a year later out a bar. He was tall and handsome with a smile that could make a girl fall in love. I did my normal thing… Got him to notice me, he drank all night with me, and then we came home with me. We didn’t have sex thought, he held me all night. Rare for a man… I had seen him the next day but didn’t want much to do with him. I did have my eye on another man who had pissed me off the night before. That’s the reason why I was so infatuated with him that night. I was keeping my mind off the other guy. A couple weeks past and I continued to talk to the man I was interested in, but he kept texting. I would reply to him with sort answers insuring him that I wasn’t really interested. Then the night of the fights arrived, him and I talk about buying the fight at my place that night of drinking with him at the bar. He had popped in my head and things were dulling with the guy I was interested in. So I text him, “You watching the fight with me tonight?” and that started it all.
We were quick to do everything together. Eat, sleep, drink, do laundry, and drugs. We wouldn’t do anything crazy, maybe some coke and one time ecstasy but thats getting ahead of our story. Needless to say our lust for each other took over and we fell in love. I became close with his friends and took them into my heart as if we’ve been friends for years. That you’ll soon learn was a mistake. We did so many things together, all four of us. All our great memoires I try to cherish. The trips and partying kept up for a couple of months. Then it just wasn’t fun for me anymore. Him and his best friend always in the garage and his lady and I in the house…
I knew he had a past with his habit but I didn’t know I would haunt our future. I began to suspect that his habit was back. I questioned him as he began to slim down and lose his muscles that once made me instantly wet. He was clean, or at least he was convincing at it. I would find things that made me continue to question him but still I was convinced he was telling me the truth. Completely blinded by my love for him you think, you’re right. I found myself checking the cameras more and more. Fighting the urge to look through his phone was getting harder and harder to do. Do I want to find anything in my searches? No but it hurts that I always do. I was almost at my breaking point that morning I found it, his pipe. I laughed in relief thinking to myself thank god I’m not crazy. Shortly after realizing that finding my sanity was the least of my worries. He was confronted and he did feel bad. I don’t know if he felt worse that he lied, hurt me, or got caught. Everything got a little better each day he was clean. I was proud of him that he realized he needed to quit. Then the fighting started, we couldn’t go a day without one. I would joke around and tell him he’s high. Truly hoping that he wasn’t that he was clean, he finally admitted that he had a couple of slip ups but it wasn’t an everyday thing. The fighting let up a little after that. I soon started changing my view and told myself if he’s going to get high I’ll be ok with that so long as he’s honest about it. As much as I would have loved for that to work, it couldn’t. It’s then I realized he had two habits. I don’t know what one I hate more… The lies or the meth. Throughout the next couple of months it became a normal of us to fight. It was an everyday thing for him to lie to me about smoking meth. These habits are taking him from me and I’m scared that I’ll evenly lose my fight to keep him. I’m almost there, giving up that is.
One blow up after another I stay with him. No matter how hard I try I can’t leave him and I’m now hurting myself in this process. All the tears and the yelling are all for nothing. I try and tell myself not to get mad, not to fight but it’s so hard not to. I don’t understand why he won’t stop. If he doesn’t want to quit then why doesn’t he just leave me. He would be able to get high without hurting me in the process if he left me. I’m at my breaking point…
Months of going back and forth with the lies and smoking meth and nothing has changed. All the lies make me wonder what else he could be lying to me about. Has he cheater on me? Is he cheating on me? Looking through his phone and I see him talking to more and more females. Why wouldn’t he? It would be perfect for him to be with a girl that gets high. Is that what he’s doing? We fight about that and he convinces me that he would never cheat on me. At this point though I’m tired and I’m done so I kick him out. He says hes going to quit Friday but I can’t wait any longer I told him he can come home when he’s sober… Three days pass… The worst three days of my life. Hurting that I can’t have him with me because he feels like he needs to get high to make it though the work week. Hurting because he’s picking meth over our relationships happiness. Over my happiness. I tried to ignore him and deal with that fact that I need to really leave him this time. I was able to do that for about three day then I snapped. Finding him at a dope house and following him about town like a crazy person. He’s still doesn’t quit. Finally the next day I come to him wait on the porch with pizza ready. It was the first time in months I could see him. He was really that about able to feel. I was finally about to breath after months of dying inside. A couple weeks went by and he was staying clean. I was an amazing two weeks. I cherished ever moment of getting to know the real him.
It’s crazy how much this drug changes a person. Makes them feel inadequate without it and it makes them do or hurt anyone to get high. I was a fool to think he was going to stay clean. It’s one slip no big deal. I was tired baby I needed it to get through this new job. I just got one bowl then threw it out. All reason to make himself feel better about getting high. I wish it would make me feel better… So I have to except that this is my relationship. This is the man I want to marry, a meth addict and a liar. Today is that first day of me really excepting this. Iv’e said in the past that I will but now iv’e truly given up. It is what it is and I can’t leave him. I will never truly have a normal life with him. I’ll always be waiting for the next high or the next lie. I know we will have happy times in between. I just worry that I will always have this piece of me that’s broken because I chose to except him like this. I truly don’t want someone who lies and smokes meth but I love him and can’t leave. I used to pray that he’d just leave me. I know it would hurt but eventually I’d be ok. He’s selfish though and won’t. He won’t stop lying and he won’t stop getting high either. He gets what he wants and I compromise. To be continued…

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About Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.

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