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Dealing with drug addiction in prison

Drug addict trapped within myself

I’ll start by letting whoever reads this know that I am not part of any religion, sect or group. I am an addict. I used to attend A.A. very regularly. For awhile, I believed it was the answer for me, and I still believe it is the answer for many.  I wholeheartedly believe in much of what A.A. taught me as a way to achieve sobriety and stay sober. And, much of what I have learned in A.A. and in 12-step rehabs has been extremely useful to me in looking at my own addictions. However, up until my incarceration, I chose to ignore most of those lessons and I lived a life of addiction, and now I sit in prison because of my selfishness.

My life prior to my arrest was more of a hell on earth than a life. I used everyone and everything for my personal pleasure. My existence was centered around satisfying my own needs. My methods included stealing money from my family, selling drugs when I could, and even stealing from stores, to fill the “orders” for people who supplied drugs and needed items.

Heroin and meth, along with Xanax and alcohol, were the way I went about soothing my greed.

Stop drug addiction, stop the consequences

Yes, to sum it up, addiction to me is more about being selfish and lazy than anything else. I was not, and am not, happy with my life. So, instead of working hard to fix it, I just chose to take the easy way out by using drugs to forget about what I was feeling. That is why, in all honesty, I can’t say I didn’t enjoy my many, many drug and alcohol fueled days that I lived through in a comfortable, fuzzy cloud. They made me feel good! Was that the right way to deal with loneliness or isolation? Probably not. Did it work for me temporarily? You bet.

What I hated was the after effects, everything from the moral hangover, wrecked vehicles and overdrawn accounts to the rehab facilities and psych hospitals, and now – even incarceration. I let down myself down, I let my family down, and I let down the people who chose to believe in me during my half-hearted attempts at “recovery”.

My selfishness, which I chose to express through my addiction, has taken me everywhere but death. And, make no mistake I have come close to death many times. I have had seizures from OD’ing on cocaine, lying on a couch with nobody giving a care while I silently convulsed my way through it. I have had seizures from quitting a Xanax habit suddenly, resulting in paramedics rushing me to ER and a stay in the hospital. I almost bled to death from slicing through the arteries, tendons and nerves on my wrist, almost losing my hand in the process of my drug-seeking behavior. What was I doing? I was trying to get to a rig to shoot up. Nice, huh?

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The importance of relapse prevention

In the end, I blame nobody but myself for the way things have turned out for me. Sometimes I sit here behind bars, in my bunk, and I consider myself to be better off in here than I was out there. As of now, I don’t really want to leave prison. It’s easier for me to stay clean in here. That is the god’s honest truth. But, I have to realize, that is my lazy and selfish side talking. Because, no matter how much I doubt myself and my chances of staying clean and never shooting up again, I know it IS possible. It will take hard work, determination, and a little spirituality. The problem is, none of those have been my strong point up until now. I have let myself down so many times before, it is easy to doubt myself now.

This is what I try to tell myself, and the message that I hope goes out to those who have relapsed and have that awful feeling in the pit of their gut that you just will never stop – The future is never certain. Every day and even every hour can bring a new beginning. Just remember, today you don’t have to use drugs.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets

In the end, I certainly don’t condone drugs or over indulging in any substance. But to be truthful, if I could use alcohol and yes, marijuana, in such a way that I could enjoy their effects and it didn’t negatively affect me or my loved ones, I would be more than happy to indulge. I don’t have any belief that marijuana or alcohol can’t be enjoyed by certain people without repercussions. I just am not one of those people.

These outlets are no longer a possibility for me. So, I will continue to sit in prison, and work on myself, because in the end, only I can break down the bars I have set in front of my heart, mind and soul, and free myself from my own worst enemy, myself.

Leave a Reply

2 Responses to “Dealing with drug addiction in prison
jane moore
7:26 am December 9th, 2010

Wow, this reminds me so much of my son who is also in prison right now for possession. He is almost 23 and this is his third time in! Reading this is so heartbreaking. While prison is not the answer for addicts, I understand your sense of security knowing you will not succumb to the needle while inside. Keep writing, keep seeking. Sometimes when we are passionate about something we write, answers come through our pen. Thanks you for sharing.

frpmd
1:58 pm July 14th, 2012

I understand completely what Texas Magnum is talking about because I have sat at the same exact spot that he currently finds himself. However, while I admit that Addiction takes no holidays, even while in prison, it certainly does wind-down considerably during an Addict’s stay in prison. Yes, drugs are available behind the wall, but they are so expensive and limited in supply (most of the time), that maintaining a habit is hardly feasible.

I agree with T.M. that Addiction embraces both greed and laziness. Anyone who thinks otherwise is either not an Addict, or is being dishonest with themselves. Addiction is a sneaky little bastard; it utilizes any and all platforms from which it gains influence over your psyche and overwhelms your willpower to resist its’ seduction. It’s also quite insidious in the manner it dupes the Addict into the belief that he’s defective; ill-equipped to succeed without the chemical support which has guided him so fluently in the past.

Most Addicts are faced with the additional problem of how to support themselves following their release from prison. Many offenders feel that the system itself is stacked against them; regrettably, this dilemma is well-founded, and for the most part is altogether true. For those who, like myself, became Addicts at a young age, they may feel that the vast majority of opportunities lay beyond their reach. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have just recently opened a blog, dirtywhiteboy-frpmd.blogspot.com, that supports the belief that most every Addict can accomplish anything he/she puts their mind to. My heart goes out to Texas Magnum, for I have been exactly in the situation he currently finds himself. He is, however, young enough to turn himself around, and completely re-vamp his lifestyle. I look forward to his next post.

About Texas Magnum

My crime is I am an addict. I am a 22 year old man currently incarcerated for possession of a controlled substance (heroin) and for breaking the conditions of my probation for my first arrest at 19 (possession of meth). The truth is I feel amazingly free in here in my incarceration. I have no needle in my arm. I am beginning to love myself for who I am. Read more about me and my journey through recovery here: In a Texas Prison Blog

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