Dealing with drug addiction in prison
Drug addict trapped within myself
I’ll start by letting whoever reads this know that I am not part of any religion, sect or group. I am an addict. I used to attend A.A. very regularly. For awhile, I believed it was the answer for me, and I still believe it is the answer for many. I wholeheartedly believe in much of what A.A. taught me as a way to achieve sobriety and stay sober. And, much of what I have learned in A.A. and in 12-step rehabs has been extremely useful to me in looking at my own addictions. However, up until my incarceration, I chose to ignore most of those lessons and I lived a life of addiction, and now I sit in prison because of my selfishness.
My life prior to my arrest was more of a hell on earth than a life. I used everyone and everything for my personal pleasure. My existence was centered around satisfying my own needs. My methods included stealing money from my family, selling drugs when I could, and even stealing from stores, to fill the “orders” for people who supplied drugs and needed items.
Heroin and meth, along with Xanax and alcohol, were the way I went about soothing my greed.
Stop drug addiction, stop the consequences
Yes, to sum it up, addiction to me is more about being selfish and lazy than anything else. I was not, and am not, happy with my life. So, instead of working hard to fix it, I just chose to take the easy way out by using drugs to forget about what I was feeling. That is why, in all honesty, I can’t say I didn’t enjoy my many, many drug and alcohol fueled days that I lived through in a comfortable, fuzzy cloud. They made me feel good! Was that the right way to deal with loneliness or isolation? Probably not. Did it work for me temporarily? You bet.
What I hated was the after effects, everything from the moral hangover, wrecked vehicles and overdrawn accounts to the rehab facilities and psych hospitals, and now – even incarceration. I let down myself down, I let my family down, and I let down the people who chose to believe in me during my half-hearted attempts at “recovery”.
My selfishness, which I chose to express through my addiction, has taken me everywhere but death. And, make no mistake I have come close to death many times. I have had seizures from OD’ing on cocaine, lying on a couch with nobody giving a care while I silently convulsed my way through it. I have had seizures from quitting a Xanax habit suddenly, resulting in paramedics rushing me to ER and a stay in the hospital. I almost bled to death from slicing through the arteries, tendons and nerves on my wrist, almost losing my hand in the process of my drug-seeking behavior. What was I doing? I was trying to get to a rig to shoot up. Nice, huh?
The importance of relapse prevention
In the end, I blame nobody but myself for the way things have turned out for me. Sometimes I sit here behind bars, in my bunk, and I consider myself to be better off in here than I was out there. As of now, I don’t really want to leave prison. It’s easier for me to stay clean in here. That is the god’s honest truth. But, I have to realize, that is my lazy and selfish side talking. Because, no matter how much I doubt myself and my chances of staying clean and never shooting up again, I know it IS possible. It will take hard work, determination, and a little spirituality. The problem is, none of those have been my strong point up until now. I have let myself down so many times before, it is easy to doubt myself now.
This is what I try to tell myself, and the message that I hope goes out to those who have relapsed and have that awful feeling in the pit of their gut that you just will never stop – The future is never certain. Every day and even every hour can bring a new beginning. Just remember, today you don’t have to use drugs.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets
In the end, I certainly don’t condone drugs or over indulging in any substance. But to be truthful, if I could use alcohol and yes, marijuana, in such a way that I could enjoy their effects and it didn’t negatively affect me or my loved ones, I would be more than happy to indulge. I don’t have any belief that marijuana or alcohol can’t be enjoyed by certain people without repercussions. I just am not one of those people.
These outlets are no longer a possibility for me. So, I will continue to sit in prison, and work on myself, because in the end, only I can break down the bars I have set in front of my heart, mind and soul, and free myself from my own worst enemy, myself.